Four Winds

Sleep, Cough, Guilt

2013-02-27T14:52:00.000-07:00

It has been such a long time since I have posted. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and now use a CPAP machine. I have loved it. It helps me sleep a great deal. I have noticed that when I am sick I am still able to breath and sleep. That is until recently. The problem that has occurred is when I have an itchy throat. The forced air from the CPAP machine creates an extra tickle that is unbearable. Coughing with a CPAP machine on is extremely unpleasant. I am right in the middle of an itchy throat/cold. I have spent the last few nights taking cough medicine, sleeping without my cpap and coughing all night. This has made for an extremely person during the day. I also have felt overly guilty about about waking the family during night. So guilt, exhaustion, illness and more exhaustion. I am hoping it will pass soon...at least the cough.

Privacy Policy

2013-02-27T12:52:00.001-07:00

If you require any more information or have any questions about our privacy policy, please feel free to contact us by email at skd173@gmail.com.

At www.fourwindsblog.blogspot.com, the privacy of our visitors is of extreme importance to us. This privacy policy document outlines the types of personal information is received and collected by www.fourwindsblog.blogspot.com and how it is used.

Log Files
Like many other Web sites, www.fourwindsblog.blogspot.com makes use of log files. The information inside the log files includes internet protocol ( IP ) addresses, type of browser, Internet Service Provider ( ISP ), date/time stamp, referring/exit pages, and number of clicks to analyze trends, administer the site, track users movement around the site, and gather demographic information. IP addresses, and other such information are not linked to any information that is personally identifiable.

Cookies and Web Beacons
www.fourwindsblog.blogspot.com does use cookies to store information about visitors preferences, record user-specific information on which pages the user access or visit, customize Web page content based on visitors browser type or other information that the visitor sends via their browser.

DoubleClick DART Cookie

.:: Google, as a third party vendor, uses cookies to serve ads on www.fourwindsblog.blogspot.com.
.:: Google's use of the DART cookie enables it to serve ads to your users based on their visit to www.fourwindsblog.blogspot.com and other sites on the Internet.
.:: Users may opt out of the use of the DART cookie by visiting the Google ad and content network privacy policy at the following URL - http://www.google.com/privacy_ads.html

Some of our advertising partners may use cookies and web beacons on our site. Our advertising partners include .......
Google Adsense

These third-party ad servers or ad networks use technology to the advertisements and links that appear on www.fourwindsblog.blogspot.com send directly to your browsers. They automatically receive your IP address when this occurs. Other technologies ( such as cookies, JavaScript, or Web Beacons ) may also be used by the third-party ad networks to measure the effectiveness of their advertisements and / or to personalize the advertising content that you see.

www.fourwindsblog.blogspot.com has no access to or control over these cookies that are used by third-party advertisers.

You should consult the respective privacy policies of these third-party ad servers for more detailed information on their practices as well as for instructions about how to opt-out of certain practices. www.fourwindsblog.blogspot.com's privacy policy does not apply to, and we cannot control the activities of, such other advertisers or web sites.

If you wish to disable cookies, you may do so through your individual browser options. More detailed information about cookie management with specific web browsers can be found at the browsers' respective websites.

Sleeping...or Not

2012-07-19T10:51:00.000-06:00

It has been a very long time since I have posted. A lot has happened in my life. Some things I've purposefully not disclosed but I was thinking of talking about something happening or not happening....Sleep.

As you can tell already I'm not making much sense. That is because I'm exhausted. Being tired isn't something new to me. Ít's been happening since I had my first child at age 21. I gained some weight. Had another kid. Gained more weight. Had another kid. As I've gotten older I've noticed that it was more than being tired.

I've been on antidepressants for years, they help my gloomy mood but don't take it away. I was also diagnosed with high blood pressure and have had to have my medication increased a few times over the last year as my exhaustion has continued to get worse.

I finally decided to make myself an appointment with a sleep clinic to see if they could see what was happening. Luckily my insurance made it all very easy. I went in for a consultation. Took some forms they had mailed me and realized people with sleep problems often times have depression and high blood pressure.

At the consultation they made an appointment for an overnigh sleep study. I showed up in my PJ's read a book and waited to get all hooked up. The man than helped me was super nice and made it a good experience. The only problem is that it's hard to sleep in new place hooked up to an amazing number of cords and things hooked to your face, head, chest and legs.

Apparently I did fall asleep eventually and they were able to see that I do have sleep apnea. They send you home and you await a second study. So I had a month in between studies knowing I had sleep apnea and there was nothing but waiting. That's pretty hard but knowing there was something we could try made it bearable.

Finally my second study came and this one where they set you up with the mask and machine and try to find what pressure you need to help you not have waking issues. The problem is that they hook you back up to all the wires and gadgets and you have a hard time sleeping.

The mask didn't bother me, but things stuck all over my head did. Apparently I was eventually able to sleep so they could determine a pressure but I woke up exhausted. Even though I slept enough to get a pressure, it wasn't enough to feel rested.

The I had to wait for the home health company to contact me about my cpap machine. Luckily that didn't take long and I picked it up yesterday. I was so excited. I got all hooked up and figure in my own bed and without all the hook ups, just the machine I should be good to go.

Little did I know that it's extremely hard to get comfortable when you are worried that the thing is coming loose or moving around or where your pillow is...especially the fact that you fall asleep lying on your stomach, which is pretty near impossible with a big mask on your face.

I woke up today....exhausted but determined to find my way in this. I've decided to give up caffine and start exercising. I've usually downed a good 44 oz of caffinated soda a day, taken naps at lunch time in my car and been too tired to exercise. That all ends today. If I am going to commit to a new life and go through all of this trouble to sleep; I am going to make it worth it.

I'm walking on breaks and lunch today and no caffine. I know I'll get the headache from withdrawal but hell, I've already got one from being so damn tired. Why not get it all over with at once? Tonight I am going to try to fluff my way through the night with new pillow combinations. Wish me luck...I'm gonna need it.

Sadness

2011-07-20T13:37:00.001-06:00

Yesterday evening, I happened to notice flashing lights through my front window blinds. I walked toward the front door and peeked outside. I had never seen that many police on my quiet neighborhood street. Four police cars, a fire truck and an ambulance. No sound...just lights.

I told the family and we sat on the porch. I was wondering which one of my neighbors was experiencing this and that is when I saw a paramedic run from my next door neighbors house to his truck and back again. At that point I knew something tragic was happening. I wanted to make sure it was safe, but didn't want my neighbor to suffer alone.

Soon I saw my neighbor step outside with her daughter in law. Her daughter in law was experiencing the type of grief I hope to never see again. I won't go into details since it is already all over news. I hugged my neighbor tightly as the ambulance drove away.

My heart breaks for them today...

Living life and letting go.

2011-04-18T14:19:00.000-06:00

I know in previous posts I've talked about my estrangement from my family. It's a big part of who I am now and shapes alot of things about who I am. I've always wanted to have friends around me and I've never known how to go about finding them. In the past few years I've opened myself up to new friendships and I've learned alot about myself in the process.

My first real, close female friend came to me by chance. Our lives connected through our husbands but she has become one of my closest friends. We connect on a basic level of being women, mothers, wives, and in the work force. I love her and her family. I miss her when we don't speak or see each other for a while.

This opened me up to a whole world of friendships that I never thought I could be a part of. I was invited by an aquaintance to join a neighborhood Wine Wednesday group. This is a group of mother's in our neighborhood that get together every Wednesday to drink wine and just be women together. It's a safe place to talk and open up. It's nice to feel the connection of a sisterhood. This is a group of women who connect on a level based soley on the fact that want to connect. Some women are married, most have children, some work, some are divorced, ages vary, beliefs vary but the connection remains.

Since walking away from the family I knew, the connections I had. I've come to realize that who you are is based entirely on who you choose to be. I want to reconnect my life to the people who make me happy, who understand and accept me. In order to do that I need to be happy, understanding and accepting.

Maceo

2011-03-18T13:30:00.001-06:00

Eight years ago, my youngest child, Maceo was born. Maceo is an amazing person with a wicked sense of humor.

When his dad and I met, I had two kids from my previous marriage. I thought having another child would make my husband realize that he loved my other kids but not in the same way he loved his biological child. But welcoming Maceo into our family bonded us all in a way that I never expected.

Maceo is a kid with strong personality and a strong will. I love him very much. Thanks for being such a great person.

Parties

2010-11-15T22:08:00.001-07:00

With the holidays fast approaching, I already find myself wishing I had more time. More time for fun, more time for friends and more time with the family. I was actually contemplating having a holiday party of some sort but I'm not even sure I have enough friends to invite. Kind of sad in a way, but I spend so much time at work and with the hubby and kids it doesn't leave a lot of time. Plus I pretty much work alone, don't attend a religous service so there really isn't anywhere that I know to meet people.

The friends I do have, I absolutely adore, but they have extended families that up much of their time this time of year. It makes me a bit sad and a bit jealous. But I love what I do have so I'll take it. Maybe I'll have a party anyway even if no one shows up....we will see....I'm still thinking abou it.

Happy Birthday

2010-09-13T22:21:00.002-06:00

Today is my mother's 70th birthday. I have not talked to her in 7 years. She lives less than 5 miles from my house in the house I grew up in. I haven't set foot in that in house in 7 years, since the day my father asked me to return my key. Days like today are hard because it signals time is passing quickly and 70 years old isn't as young as 63 was.

Walking away from family is difficult. Living with that is even harder. But choosing to live with what was happening back then, wasn't an option that I had. If you would have asked me how I felt about it 7, 5 or even 3 years ago, I would have told you I was angry, mad or hurt. In the last year that has changed dramatically. It's hard to mourn a family that isn't dead. There is no sympathy for a family lost to estrangement, especially by choice. But it isn't any less painful. There are still birthdays, holidays, births, and deaths that have to be dealt with.

Since the anger has passed, there was a time that I was sad. Thinking of what could have been if things hadn't been done or said. The problem with that is that they were said and done. Moving on is like anything in life. Dwelling on the past isn't healthy. I can forgive, I can forget, but I can't undo the past nor would I want to.

I'm happy here. Happy with the choices I've made. Happy with the life I've chosen. Happy with myself.

I doubt she will ever read this. I don't plan on going back to that life at all but today, for the first time in 7 years, I can say I wish my mother well. Happy Birthday and I hope you are happy with the life you've chosen too.

If you really knew me...

2010-09-08T23:14:00.000-06:00

MTV has this show that revolves around Challenge Day at high schools. I like the general concept of taking down walls and showing that all kids have problems but I'm not thrilled with putting these vulnerable high school kids and their serious issue on TV for entertainment.

It did get me to thinking about my life. There are so many things in my life that I'm not sure anyone knows about me. At least my friends or coworkers. I wish I could have meaningful conversations with people without the worry of what will they think of me or will their spouses not want to hang out anymore.

There are people who put out there that their lives are great. They have the best families, best husbands or wives, a good job, kids who study hard and like school. I'm not saying that everyone's life should suck, but it gets to the point where if we do have a real problem it's hard to reach out because we feel like we are the only one dealing with life's crap while everyone is dealing in roses.

If you really knew me you'd know that I deal with depression. I take medication that has helped but if I have an off day or I have a valid problem and someone says "did you take your medication" it makes me angry.

If you really knew me you'd know that I am estranged from my family. I miss them like crazy some days and not at all on others. It makes everything hard. Holidays, birthday's, seasons, memories. I can't go back, I wouldn't even if I could, but I just wish I had someone to talk to who would understand my pain.

If you really knew me...maybe I would really know myself.

Dreadlocks

2010-03-23T09:09:00.003-06:00

My husband may think I've lost my mind. But I'm beginning a process of finding myself. I will admit to having some mental instability in my family but I don't think that is what this is about. But if I am crazy, how would I know anyway, right?

I've decided to start dreadlocking my hair. I understand it's a long process, maybe that is what I'm looking for. Progression with no clear end... I'm not sure. I'm living a life that I love. I have a great husband, three amazing kids who are interesting individuals. My job gives me a certain freedom and the monetary means to spend time with my family. We have made some great friends that we adore spending time with. Life is good.

I'm not a religous person, but I would consider myself spiritually reflective. I'm also impatient, so I'm going to try to help the process get started. I've decided to do a bit of backcombing but not use product (such as wax) to help hold them at first. This will be an adventure for me but I'm very excited...

7 years ago this month....

2010-03-05T19:40:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's March already. This month my youngest son, Maceo, turn 7 years old. He is such a great kid. He was such a surprise and such a blessing to us.

When I met his dad, I was a single mom with two little kids. Jake was 6 and Maddy was 4. We had been dating for about 5 months when we celebrated Maddy's 5th birthday. It was the first big even that we had done together as a "family". It was nice and fun to be able to do that. 16 1/2 days later I was laying in bed feeling terrified. I had an inkling that I might be pregnant but hadn't said anything. I had bought a pregnancy test and was waiting until I was offically late. That night we went to bed early. The kids were away and William was going to run a race very early in the morning on Pioneer Day.

I snuck out of bed to take the test. My reasoning was that it would be negative and I'd be relieved and then be able to sleep...no problem...right?

Wrong. The test, of course, came back positive. It was now the middle of the night and my crazy OCD set in. At that moment, I had a crazy thought. We had talked about children at first. I didn't want anymore. I already had a boy & a girl and was happy with the way things were. He always wanted a child but then he met mine. They were crazy and fun but he thought maybe another one would jeopardize what we had. By then I had decided maybe one together would be fine, but he seemed past it.

So here I sat, unsure of how he felt and I was lying there wondering what I had gotten myself into. I'd been married and divorced. I had to deal with children having two homes, two families and the problems that come with that. For a moment I considered leaving, never tell him I was pregnant and running off to raise all three children as a single mom.

But as I lay there, staring at this awesome man, sleeping...he woke up. He looked at me and asked me what was going on. As I told him, just an hour or two from when he'd have to wake up to run this race...the fear that I had fell away. He was so excited and so happy. I made him promise not to tell his parents, who we were meeting on the way to the race. It was way too soon in both the pregnancy and the relationship to do that.

As soon as we saw his mom, he said "you'll never believe this" and she said, "she's pregnant!" Now she claims she knew, but I think she was joking. They were just as excited as he was and I knew from that moment that everything would be perfect.

The First Time

2010-02-26T15:56:00.000-07:00

My husband & I celebrated the anniversary of our first blind date in early February. We met in a slightly unconventional way. We met online, but not through a dating website or anything. Back in the olden days AOL was the main way people went online. When I left Pocatello, Idaho to come back to Utah after my first marriage fell apart. I moved in with my mother. Not the ideal situation, but one I thought I could deal with for 6 months or so while I got a job, saved up some money and got on my feet. We basically left with nothing but some clothes, toys & a car. I had been a stay at home mom for five years so I didn't have any income coming in.

On the weekends that my kids were gone, I didn't have anything to do, so I went online and chatted with people. I didn't like the chat rooms because they were awkward and random individuals. AOL had a search you could do to find people closer to home. One night I sent him a note because he lived in the same city I was. He didn't want to meet because I wasn't divorced yet, just separated. We chatted off and on for a year and a half. We never met, never exchanged phone number, never exchanged pictures, or even knew each other's last names. We did chat about a lot of personal things, deep feeling and silly things. It's easy to talk to someone when you think you'll never actually meet them. There were times we didn't talk for a few months, but then one of us would contact the other one.

About a month after I moved in with my mom, I realized it wouldn't work so I moved into the cheapest apartment I could find, got a job, and started my life with my kids. My divorce became final and I started dating here and there. I continued to chat online with William and occasionally I'd ask if he'd like to meet, but it became kind of our joke. One day, 11 months after my divorce was final, I asked him to meet. This time he startled me by saying yes. He said you name the where and when and I'll be there.

Keep in mind we still didn't know what each other looked like, last name, where each other lived or even what car to look out for... I decided to meet at Sweet Tomatoes for lunch. I remember pulling up right behind a guy in a white Pontiac Firebird. He parked, I parked. He didn't say anything and neither did I. He walked toward the entrance and so did I. He sat down on the bench right inside as I approached. He said, Sandra. The entire lunch, all two hours was easy conversation, he was funny, charming, and had an amazing personality. He was cute. When we left, I hugged him and told him he smelled good. I didn't want to leave him.

To commemorate that fateful day, we go to Sweet Tomatoes every year. We always take the kids, some times his mom comes, and we’ve even had occasions where extended family has attended the event. I love that tradition. It always reminds me that trying too hard to make something happen isn't always the best way. Sometime it’s just a matter of being ready….

Craving the Personal

2010-02-08T16:38:00.000-07:00

The internet is such a great thing! It gives you so much information at your fingertips. Helping my kids with homework is a totally different thing than it used to be when I was a kid. The internet also gets you the opportunity to connect and reconnect with people that you normally wouldn't get to contact.

I have found that the internet also gives people the opportunity to hide behind the impersonal. There are so many times that I receive a message online, email, or text and I wish that I could just talk to that person by phone or in person. I am craving the personal in an impersonal world.

Because of that I've decided to take a break from online social networking sites. I have decided to continue the blog because no one reads it...and it feels more like a journal to myself than a form of online communication. When I get the urge to contact someone, I'm going to make a phone call and see if I can start the chain of personal contact that I crave and see if it will come back to me...

Rediscovering

2010-02-02T13:56:00.000-07:00

I wrote the last post a day or so ago, but didn't have the pictures to post until now. I loved the title of the post but realized that I had so much more to say about uncovering the past. There is so much from my past that I've wanted to deal with over the years. Most of the issues I have with my family I think about on a daily basis but I am very happy with the life I have now and I'm not sure I want to revisit that part of who I am other than on a daily reflection.

Part of uncovering the past is realizing that some things are better left alone, as disturbing things won't bring happiness. I'm finally in a place where I feel confident in myself as a mother, as a wife, even as an employee. I'm not as confident in myself as an individual.

Taking down the walls of who I am is easy when you see that I am a mother, a wife, a worker but underneath all of that who am I as an individual? I've been someone's mother for 15 years, someone's wife for 12 years and I've been someone's employee for 16 years.

Obviously who I was as a mother has changed over the years. I've grown more confident as time has gone by, having more children, and realizing that expectations change as they grow into individuals. When it comes right down to it I don't want my children to have the best grades, the best clothes, the most friends. I simply want them to be happy with the lives they lead and the choices they make. Learning to make good choices leads to a good life. But since not everyone makes good choices all the time it's coming to terms with that and making the best choices you can.

Who I am as a wife has changed as well. When I got married the first time, I was young and naive. I don't blame much on the young part...more the naive part. I made a lot of bad choices and allowed myself to be in a position I didn't want to be in. When the time came that I finally grew up enough to make a change and make a choice, I did. That brought me to the life I have now with my current (and last) husband. I'm not a perfect wife, maybe not even a good wife, but my husband loves me in spite of all my crazy imperfections. That's good, because there are a lot of those to go around.

The person I am at work was always someone I felt like I was pretending to be. I used to look at professional people and think that I was not as qualified as them. I always felt like someone let me into the corporate world, not realizing that I didn't belong here. I think that all adults feel that way at some point but they all pretend... Fake it till you make it. That is something they should teach in high school.

Underneath all of that is this girl. She's still trying to discover who she is...

Uncovering The Past

2010-02-02T13:22:00.001-07:00

Life is funny. Everything old is new again at some point. The world goes round and round. We decided to pull up the carpet in one of our rooms to see what the original hardwood floors looked like underneath. It was a test to see if we could do it throughout the main part of the house. This room is our office/Red Sox room. It had an awesome shag carpet but it is also the room where our cat food dishes are, which resulted in lots of cat food in the shag carpet that was IMPOSSIBLE to get out of the shag easily.

The result of pulling up the carpet was an awesome experience. I can't imagine what goes through someone's head when they decide that shag carpet is better than hardwood. But then I realized it's the same thing that made people wear parachute pants, hairsprayed bangs, and flower child clothing. It was a trend, it was the fashion and with all fashions some are timeless and some are fleeting.

I'm happy to say we love the look of the hardwood and are going to use this room as a test on how we can get it looking the way we want. Then we will do the rest of the house.

The floor isn't perfect and I'm sure it won't be when it's done. Imperfections and flaws are what give it character. It's all part of it's beauty and I love it too.

Jake

2010-01-19T09:01:00.000-07:00

My oldest child turned 15 yesterday. This has been the weirdest birthday for me so far. 15 is on the brink of adulthood. He stands a good 4-5 inches taller than me already but he still enjoys a night time tuck in. He's an amazing person but it's hard to get to know him since he's so engrossed in his own teenage life, video games, and schooling.

My favorite times with Jake are when there are glimmers of who he will be when he is an adult. He has an amazing sense of humor and a hilarious laugh that always makes me smile. Jake is the person in my life who has taught me who I am, he's had to endure parenting mistakes because he's the oldest. In a way we have grown up together. We lived through a marriage, divorce, another marriage, two siblings, elementary school and middle school. He's known me as a struggling single mom living in an apartment and the woman I am now and at the end of the day, he makes me proud to be his mother.

A New Year

2010-01-04T22:50:00.001-07:00

It's 2010. It's time for change to happen. It's up to me to do it. This last year has opened my eyes up to a world of possiblities. Things don't have to be perfect for them to be amazing. That's something that I've always appreciated. It's true of people, work, education, love, and home. It's often the little imperfections that make things worth more, makes them unique and makes them appreciated.

I've decided that 2010 is my year to embrace my imperfections, try to improve myself but not get so caught up in what could be, should be or isn't that I don't enjoy the here and now. I've always had a hard time doing that but realizing that the only thing holding me back is myself and my inability to make that choice was a revelation.

I'm a work in progress, even if it is an imperfect work.

Change is Scary

2009-12-29T15:25:00.001-07:00

Now that Christmas is over and the New Year is upon us, I'm still struggling with my weight issues. It's not that I'm struggling with my weight. I'm struggling with motivation more than anything. I really believe that I'm caught in a vicious cycle and I'm lazy.

Okay, there, I've said it. I have weight to lose, but I'm always tired. I'm probably tired because I'm overweight, so I don't work out because I'm tired! My exercise or lack thereof stems from a heart condition I was diagnosed with as a teenager.

When I was younger I was very active but everything put strain on me. Before I was diagnosed, I realized that every time I'd exert myself, I'd get out of breath easily, tired, and sometime even pass out. Back then I thought maybe I had asthma. My mom thought I was out of shape and pushed me even harder.

I was on the dance team at school and my mom signed me up for a race. The final straw came when I was chasing my older sister up a huge hill by our house, and I passed out. I told my mom I just couldn't take another minute of it and that my upcoming school year of gym was going to kill me. She finally took me to the doctor in August before my 16th birthday. We walked into the doctor’s office and he listened to my heart and knew there was a serious problem right away. He sent me to a cardiologist that day and my mom left in tears. I remember her not wanting to take the elevator so people wouldn't see her cry. We took the back stairs together, crying in silence. The cardiologist scheduled my surgery for that weekend. After the surgery, I was told my heart valves had been working at 20% capacity but that it was now up to 80%. I felt better immediately but to me 80% wasn't 100% and the fear of exertion set it. I never really exercised much after that. I was young, thin and felt better. But as I had children and my metabolism changed my lack of exercise and love of food left me obese.

I'm hoping that the fear of not changing will become more motivating than the fear of changing. I know it's my choice. I'm just scared.

Christmas

2009-12-22T10:56:00.002-07:00

Christmas is just around the corner. Christmas is a magical time but once Christmas fades we are looking squarely in the face of the New Year. New Year's is a time of new beginnings, putting the past to rest, re-evaluating life and looking forward to future goals.

I've never been a fan of New Year's resolutions. It's a time that many people are faced with sadness and hope all at once. Resolutions are goals, but without making the choice and continuing to make the choice on an ongoing basis, it just becomes failure. Making life changes is a hard thing. But it starts with making the simple choice of moving forward.

Traditions

2009-12-22T00:29:00.001-07:00

I'm in a place in my life where I love what's going on around me. I do wish that I had more time at home with my children, but a part of me realizes that as my children get older, they begin to rely on time with me less and less. The thing that is important is what I've taught them and that they know they can count on me when then have questions.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not throwing them to the wolves. It's an evolution I didn't think would happen and I didn't think I'd come to grips with it so easily. Being divorced from my older two children's father made holidays stressful and anxiety ridden for me. In the past we had always agreed that he would have them for Thanksgiving and I would have them for Christmas. Part of it was my need to have them with me for Christmas, my reasoning was they had a younger half sibling and Christmas to the youngest was important. In truth Christmas to me was important. I was lucky that my ex-husband gave that to me.

This year is different, he got a job out of state and is going through a divorce himself this year. He will be in town for Christmas. He has let me have them for Christmas this year too, but I had them for Thanksgiving because of his family situation. With him being so far away in the future I realized that they need the time with him and it's selfish of me to pressure them one way or another. Soon enough they will be grown and going off into the world to start families and traditions of their own.

My wish for them is independence, happiness, and the ability to do what makes them happy. It's a hard thing to learn when they are young, but again I hope they don't forget me and will still know they can count on me if they need help or need to talk.

Keeping Busy

2009-12-15T16:01:00.002-07:00

I have been keeping busy at home working on our kitchen. After we painted the walls we decided to change the flooring. It was a first for us but we came across this awesome click wood flooring. It was fairly easy to do, took us twelve hours in one day to complete. We still need to do the edges but I am in love with this floor. I took before and after pictures to show the change.

Working on the house has kept me busy while at home which makes thing much easier for my crazy nervous personality. However, this is the slow season at work. I've volunteered to help others in the office but they are in similar situations. I've taken to crocheting when I am desperate to keep my fingers busy with something productive and I've found I made a cute scarf/neck warmer. It's really cute and I love it. I'm currently making one for my daughter as well.

Driving

2009-12-08T08:57:00.000-07:00

I had a longer than usual commute to work this morning because of a snow storm. I love to drive because it represents freedom, adulthood, choices, and yes...escape. Who hasn't wanted to escape at one time or another? Knowing that you car is parked outside with a tank full of gas and in a matter of hours you could be gone.

Not that I'd ever leave my family, but it's handy to have that kind of access if you are at a bad party, at a job you'd like to leave or a meeting that's headed south.

Driving to work is one of the only places I'm alone. I actually work alone, but I am subject to a ringing phone, constant emails and faxes. In the car, it's just me alone with my thoughts. That can be good or that can be bad depending on the thoughts involved. Driving is my meditation.

Weekends

2009-12-04T15:25:00.000-07:00

I love weekends! Not only because I need time off from work, but I also get to spend 48 hours with my husband and children. I love my husband but he is also my best friend. Weekends make me dream of a time when we can retire and spend all of our time together. I know all too often people make those kinds of plans, only to have their partner or themselves fall ill, or worse pass away.

I am trying hard to make the most of our time together now so that anything we get to have in the future is bonus time. When I think about this issue, I think about my mother & father in law. He passed away almost 6 1/2 years ago. I miss him all the time. He was an amazing man who loved his family dearly. Family is complicated. He understood that and he liked me.

Dealing with Your Demons

2009-12-02T15:22:00.002-07:00

There are things in life that are hard to talk about; things that are not socially acceptable. I've always had a slightly obsessive personality; nothing that would keep me from living my life on a daily basis but one that has affected me.

When I was younger I used to bite my fingernails. I understand that many people do this, but mine was more than being bored. I couldn't stand the thought of nails being uneven so I would keep biting until there was nothing left. I knew the actions were unreasonable but I did it anyway.

When I hit 6th grade, I remember sitting in Mr. McGee's class and being thoroughly disgusted with myself and vowing never to bite my nails again and I never did. The problem that followed was that I didn't deal with the underlying feelings of WHY I bit my nails so the obsession just changed from one to another.

Shortly after the nail biting, I discovered picking. I remember sitting in my room and running my hand over the heel of my foot. There was a slightly dry piece of skin, so I picked it off. My obsession kicked in right away and the skin felt uneven so I kept picking. The thing about the bottoms of feet is; they don't scar much, heel pretty fast plus you can cover them up most of the time. The biggest problem with it is they bleed and you walk on them: which if they are bleeding hurts like crazy.

I struggled with this obsession for a very long time. When I was pregnant with my first born at 21, I made a conscious decision to stop because the doctor would see my feet in labor and think I was "crazy". By the time my feet heeled, I gave birth and no one was the wiser. Unfortunately, the obsession took another turn.

I still had this obsession. It's fueled by uncertainty, boredom, fear, and stress; among other things. I started looking at my beautiful nails and realized that I had a bit of skin hanging off the side of my finger. This new obsession was different. It was slightly more socially acceptable. Who hasn't pulled a bit of skin off their finger, but my urges became uncontrollable. My fingers were bloodied. The thing about fingers is, you can't stick them in a sock all day. It's out there for the whole world to see but no one ever said anything unless I'd bring it up to them, which I rarely did. My husband was my biggest supporter, but reminders not to pick often brought stress which brings more picking. So the cycle continued. There were times I would retire the finger picking only to be replaced with the feet again but fingers were the new top choice. They healed quickly and didn't scar much, but you don't have to walk on your fingers.

I'm in a new phase of my life now. I'm trying to deal with my demons even though it's difficult. I bought some tape to wear on all of my fingers that was waterproof and very flexible. I left it on all day long until the fingers healed. Scabs are the hardest thing to get past at first so taking them out of the equation helped a bit. Now my fingers are healed and it's only been about a month but it's the first time in my ENTIRE life that I've not had an obsession to fall back on. It's not easy. I think about it all day long, much like I imagine an alcoholic does. I have been trying to heal myself from the inside out. I have been trying to forgive myself for past feelings of guilt, embarrassment, hurt and pain and trying to learn new ways to cope with those feelings.

It's a process and I'm learning that we all have demons to deal with.

Change is Good

2009-12-01T23:27:00.001-07:00

My husband and I spent the Thanksgiving holiday not only celebrating the season, but painting our kitchen.

When we bought this house right after we married, we had fallen in love with it for it's charm and the potential we both saw in it. Luckily we both have the same attitude about our home. We aren't trying to keep up with the Jones, just taking our time to make this lived in house...ours. It's a slow and gentle process that becomes more about the process than the end product.

I love the time I get to spend with my husband and children. The paint job isn't professional looking, but it is done with love. My husband and I are one of those couples that really love being together. If we could both quit our jobs and spend every moment together, we would never run out of things to talk about.