Fourteen Meercies

A Decade Later

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Sun, 15 Apr 2018 02:25:00 +0000

Today I will have lived without Meredith for a decade. It’s been ten years since I have held that fair skinned, pretty in pink, happy girl. I’ve spent the day in bed watching videos of her. She was a delight--happy, smiley, and developing normally. Those were glorious moments watching her grow and change. I had so many hopes for her future- dreams that every mom has for her child.

Remembering Mer hurts, but I know I must take this time to walk through the memories and give myself time to grieve. The thought of forgetting her is unbearable. Remembering the past leads to heartache-- thinking about all the pain, all the questions, all the tough decisions that had to be made. Sometimes, I just want to forget it all because I cannot remember Meredith without also feeling pain and despair. My heart is as broken as it was all those years ago. You NEVER get over losing a child- EVER.

As this day has been approaching, I’ve been begging God for a word. I do this each year on Mer’s birthday and deathiversary. “God, give me something that brings clarity and focus to my life. Help me to not be floating along forgetting what is most important. Give me a vision for how to merge my past and my present!” Some themes have been emerging from my quiet times with the Lord...

Gratefulness-

I believe God wants me to remember the past so that I can be more grateful for His present gifts. While thinking of Meredith grieves me it also generates gratefulness- most of all, that I had her in the first place. And now, a decade later God has given me so much... not in place of Mer but adding to the gift of Mer. What a joy it has been to see God bless me with so much more than I could imagine- a gentle, patient and loving husband; two teenage stepsons, a ten year old passionate and risk taking Tyler and a fun loving, imaginative and sweet five year old, Sadie Grace. Not to mention, the most loving, committed and faithful immediate family. As I look at this broken world, I am reminded of the gift of my family. In these past ten years, I have much to be grateful for. Not only has God reminded me of the gift of my family, but of my friends. At every twist and turn, I have felt unconditionally loved and continuously cared for by my friends. I cannot believe the faithfulness of each of them. Good grief, what a gift I have in having this amazing inner and outer circle of friends. “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another” (1 John 4:11). Let me never forget the power of community.

Courage-

Courage can be more infectious than fear. Do I live this way? Not really. I am often paralyzed by fear and anxiety, which manifests in me trying to prevent crisis by attempting to control my circumstances. I’ve been like this forever and even talk about this in my book! I have fallen into my old ways of trying to fix things or fretting about the future. How can it be that I have so little faith in God for I have seen the works and power of God in my life? During Mer’s life and death, I experienced God’s strength and power every second. I saw His faithfulness in meeting my every physical and spiritual need in the midst of a chaotic storm. I heard His voice as He promised me Meredith would be free of suffering on this very day ten years ago. Yet, I question Him on such basic levels these days. So, a decade after Mer’s death, God is saying, remember to be courageous-just as you were in the past. Joshua 1:19 says, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” There’s so much strength and courage in surrender.

Unanswered Prayer-

After losing Mer, the “why?” haunted me. I knew God had answered my prayers that Meredith be healed, but He did not use the method that I had hoped and prayed for. 1 Corinthians 13:12 says, “Now you see only a poor reflection as in a mirror, but then you will see face to Face.” This verse has been helpful to me because I have contemplated the why of Meredith’s death for many years. I came up with some really good stuff, like, she saved my life or many people came to faith because of her story or she died so that I would be able to help others through hard times. But, as I ponder these “explanations” none of them fill the void I feel without Mer by my side. My conclusion to the “why” after a decade, is even if the answer was written in the pages of scripture, it would still not satisfy my heart’s cry. Which leads me back to 1 Corinthians 13:12. Some things that happen on this earth I will never understand or comprehend. Some pain we have to just endure and live with until our dying day. It’s okay to ask why, even to be disappointed or angry at God. These feelings often cause me to lean in closer to God which gives me peace in the end.

I know that carrying Meredith’s memory with me and sharing it with others has been my life’s mission. There have been times when life has carried me away from her memory, but my heart always draws back to Mer. My heart will forever yearn to keep her memory alive. When I am speaking, writing or thinking on Meredith I feel truly alive. It doesn’t mean that all other things I do don’t have value, it just means that God gave me the gift and the calling to share her with the world until I get to see her again. One day when I reunite with my precious babe, the two of us will stand face to face and I will finally understand. Oh, what a celebration that will be!

Death to Life

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Fri, 14 Apr 2017 22:32:00 +0000

One can never consent to crawl when one feels the impulse to soar ~Helen Keller

Nine years ago, this quote would have not resonated with me in any shape or form. At that point crawling was my only option. April 14 is a day I dread and I pray goes quickly. The events of that day nine years ago are seared into my mind. Mer took her last breathe in my arms. Then, I held her until I had to give her over. Next, I walked out of Duke with my Mom and sister without my baby forever.

Today my life is completely different. It is filled with so many joyful things. I no longer crawl through life. For the first time, I feel peace in all areas. At the same time, I feel God is asking me to look ahead. I believe what He has for me will use every gift He gave me and every experience I have walked through to the fullest. This year God has given me the impulse to soar rather than crawl.

I suppose a lot of us wonder what our lives would be like if a certain thing had not happened. I think of this often. I wonder what my life would look like if Mer hadn’t gotten sick and died. I know that I would have loved being Mer and Ty’s mom. I think I would have been a pretty good mom to them. But, I know I wouldn't have been the mom that I am today. I know for sure I wouldn’t have been the friend, sister, daughter and advocate for women that I am today. I strongly believe I would be going in a totally different direction professionally and personally if Mer had lived. Everything that I do today would not have been possible without my loss.

Meredith’s life and death redefined my life. For many years, it defined me completely. It was all I thought about and all I wrote about. I remember being in the Dollar Tree with Tyler when he was a baby and a lady asked me if he was my only child. I said, “No, I had a daughter who was one year older than him and she just died.” Wow, that poor woman! I bet she never asked that question to a stranger again. But, I think back on how I lived for so long- and it was in the shadow of Mer's death. It defined me. Today, I can meet you and until you get to really know me- you would never know about Meredith. As I write this, I feel guilt because I want her to still be known and I am not trying to hide her from anyone. But, it is because God has given me other defining people and activities that I am known for now. Today I am Tyler and Sadie Grace’s mom, Silas and Severin’s step-mom, Bryan’s wife, Providence’s Local Outreach Director, Summerfield North's Hospitality Team Leader, SNNA’s Swim Team Coordinator, friend, sister, daughter and Tucker’s Alpha. I’m laughing when I read this- I am on strict orders from Bryan not to join another “team” or become any group's Leader without his consent! These are the things that I do, where I spend my time, where I feel that God has really stretched and grown me. For years He grew me in my grief, but now the flourishing is taking place in these roles.

Nine years without Mer have not been easy. Like most bereaved parents, I grieve all that I am missing- watching Mer grow into a pre-teen, talking to her about friendships, teaching her to be a godly woman, watching her perform in school plays, cheering for her as she swims or tumbles or dances, painting her nails, brushing her tangly hair, shopping for clothes, the list is endless. I miss these things. But, when God took Mer He didn’t leave me with nothing. He gave me two more precious children to love. He gave me the chance to watch them grow and to feel the joy of their accomplishments. So, at my saddest moments like today, even as I write this entry, my sweet Sadie Grace comes in periodically to chat, to show me what she has created and to just connect with me. Which is a reminder that I am no longer supposed to simply grow in my grief, but I am required to flourish in the midst of life!

Thank you for your prayers all these years. I am so grateful to be loved by you. As Mer’s Anniversary falls on Palm Sunday, I am reminded of how Christ suffered for my sins. How He suffered far more than I could ever comprehend and He did it all for us so that we could truly live. I pray you feel His mighty power and peace today as we meditate on the price he paid for our sins and anticipate His resurrection!

"God was merciful! We were dead because of our sins, but God loved us so much that he made us alive with Christ, and God’s wonderful kindness is what saves you. God raised us from death to life with Christ Jesus, and he has given us a place beside Christ in heaven. God did this so that in the future world he could show how truly good and kind he is to us because of what Christ Jesus has done (Ephesians 2:4-7)."

Fear & Hope

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 01:53:00 +0000

The last few weeks have been extremely difficult. The numbness, stress and sadness that accompanies the weeks leading up to April 14th hit me like a freight train every single year. I walk through the past. I remember the goodness of God and the pain of disappointment. Something that always sets in during this time is fear. I begin to hyper focus on little things. Lately, Sadie Grace has been running and all the sudden she turns her right foot in a bit. She has done it several times at random. The first time I saw it, I panicked. Could she have some kind of neurological problem I have not caught? Am I am missing something? I quickly go down the road of thinking about how I will not survive another catastrophic event. I’ll need to go straight to the mental institute because I just cannot take another tragedy. Last time Sadie Grace turned her foot in, Bryan saw it and the fear in my eyes. He assured me she was doing it on purpose. I was ready to get an MRI. I know it sounds extreme. I know it sounds irrational. But it is real fear. So, I have been pondering how to overcome this instead of focusing on it. I was reminded of this quote from President Snow from the Hunger Games movie,

“Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous.”

This quote comes to me often because I struggle with fear. The fear of losing someone. The fear of not doing what I am supposed to be doing. The fear of what is happening to my kids when I am not with them. The fear of forgetting Meredith as time goes on. Much of my fear is surrounded around my children because I have experienced a parent’s greatest fear- losing one.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I rarely learn anything new or life changing in movies, but I have to say that President Snow’s quote is not only true but inspiring. God promises me hope even in the midst of my grief. He promises He is with me and that He will not leave me until He has fulfilled His promises. As I look back over the last 8 years I am grateful for the hope that He has given me along the way and promises to me in the future.

In remembrance of Meredith’s 8th death anniversary, I have decided to donate my wedding dress to Angel Gowns. This non-profit makes beautiful dresses to give to bereaved parents. Seamstresses all around the nation create gowns that children can be buried in. I cannot wait to see my dress recreated into such an amazing gift. I will never forget a complete stranger buying and delivering the most gorgeous gown for my daughter. At the end of Mer’s life, her body was so bruised and she hardly looked like my baby anymore. I almost had a closed casket for her. But, then I saw her in the most amazing, white, delicate dress with a bonnet to cover her wounds and it was like she was back to being the baby I knew again. She was the most beautiful child I had ever seen. Peaceful and perfect. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate Mer this year than by giving another mom the most perfect dress for her little angel and maybe even a little bit of hope.

Beth

Happy Birthday, Mer!

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Tue, 16 Feb 2016 20:15:00 +0000

Eight years ago, I was handing over my newborn son to my sister and brother-in-law at Wake Medical. Kim got in the hospital bed, cuddled with Ty, ate my roast beef and enjoyed all the moments of being a new mom without birthing a child. She said it was the easiest birth ever!

On February 16, 2008, I slid into a wheelchair and was off to Duke Hospital. It was Meredith’s first birthday. She had a big surgery on Ty’s birthday and she was barely holding on. I could not wait to get back to her. I’ll never forget that day. She laid there in the PICU with tubes and machines connected to her while we sang Happy Birthday. I had no idea at that moment that this would be the only birthday I would ever have with her. I remember thanking God that I could hold her again that day. I had been so pregnant throughout her sickness and it was so hard to hold her. My back would hurt and I was so afraid I would mess up the machines or tubes. But, that day, I sat with her in my arms for four hours straight. She also opened her eyes that after 3 long days. It was just like the old days when we just cuddled on the couch and napped together. On Mer’s birthday, I held her, and loved on her. It was a joyous day indeed!

Today Meredith would be 9 years old. A friend asked me, “doesn’t it get easier as time goes on?” I don’t think easier is how I would describe it. Each year I remember my loss and her gain. On this day, I grieve and laugh. I wrestle with God and His plan. I wonder what she would be like--what we would all be like if she were alive.

All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:3-5 (ESV)

Having Ty the day before Mer’s birthday was the brightest light God could have ever given me. I think about the moment that I looked in his precious little eyes and I knew I had to make it no matter what. He was going to need me to be strong and be whole. The day he was born was a physical reminder that God was good.

When I tell people my story now, they always say, “you are so strong! I could have never lived through that. I’m not like you. I can’t do it!” None of these statements are true. I am not strong and I am nothing special. Every obstacle I have overcome and every impactful step I have made has come from Jesus, the light in me. John 1:3-5 is a powerful reminder that in the midst of darkness there is still light. Every day of Meredith’s sickness and on this day every year I feel the tug of darkness. It comes on strong, but no amount of darkness can ever devour the light within me.

Today, I celebrate the goodness of God, the mercy He showed me and the strength He has given me. I celebrate the restoration and refinement that has taken place in my life. But, more than anything, I celebrate the life of a little girl who was a light to so many.

Happy 9th Birthday my sweet Mer Mer. Someday I won’t shed a tear because I will be holding you in my arms again.

Auf Wiedersehen, English Oaks

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Thu, 04 Feb 2016 18:41:00 +0000

In 2001, I bought my first home in Raleigh. After 14 years, I sold it. This might seem like no big deal, but as I stood in there putting on finishing touches, I cried. I remember I was a teacher when I bought English Oaks. It was my first place and I loved painting, decorating, and living in it. It was such a safe place to live. I loved the neighbors, the feel of community and having my very own space.

I lived at English Oaks for 4 years before I got married. I tried to sell it in 2004 and it turned out that I would need to spend a large sum of money to get it ready to sell. We decided to rent it. This was my first rental property and let me just tell you, being a landlord was not my forte. Our first tenants, wore stilettos on the hardwoods, were always late on rent and got drunk on the front lawn. What started off as an adventure quickly began to be a huge burden.

In 2008, after Mer and Ty, I was once again handed the keys to this house, not as a landlord but a resident. I didn’t want it, I had lived in a much bigger and better house. I didn’t want to go back there. It felt like if I moved there, I was going backward. So, I tried to sell it and it wouldn’t sell. I kept it on the market and looked at buying a new big house with a yard for Ty. I wanted to start fresh. But, God had different plans.

In October of 2008, after living with my sister for 9 months, I moved back into English Oaks. This was our new place- Ty and me. Immediately, it felt like home. It was perfect for the two of us- warm, cozy and safe. I grieved, wrote and recovered in this home. Most of the time, it was full of friends and family, all making sure we were okay. Ty rode his bike on the tennis courts, we swam in the summers and I began to slowly rebuild my life. At night, once Ty was in bed, I wept and wrote. God gave us a new start once again.

In 2011, I moved out of English Oaks for the final time. This time was to move in with my husband and his two boys. Ty and I went from a family of 2 to 5 in the blink of an eye. Once again, I tried to sell it and there was no interest. So, I got back into the landlord business. But, English Oaks became a kind of ministry house, where I let women stay who were struggling emotionally or financially. English Oaks continued to be a safe haven and a place of refuge for those who were hurting. I loved being able to provide for others what God had given me in the most difficult time of my life-a refuge.

But, as most landlords know, a property cannot sustain being a ministry house long-term and when we had Sadie Grace life became a lot more challenging logistically. English Oaks became a burden to me once more. So, we decided to sell.

It seems kind of silly to write about a house. After all, it is just a thing. But, I am always intrigued to look back and see how God leads and how His timing is perfect. He knew that I would need my house in 2008, and then he allowed me to use it to help others for years. Overall, it has been a real blessing. But, it is time to part ways my dear home.

So, I am thankful for you English Oaks and what you have taught me but now is the time to part ways, Auf Wiedersehen. (German for Goodbye-- from one of my favorite shows, Project Runway)

Beth

Band-aids Don’t Fix Bullet Holes

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Wed, 02 Sep 2015 17:58:00 +0000

I hardly ever listen to pop radio. As I have gotten closer to 40 years of age, I find myself gravitating toward talk radio. I am so becoming my mother- ahhh! However, the other day, it had cooled down a bit so I put down the windows and Sadie Grace and I jammed out to some hip songs that the young kids dig. I was completely shocked while totally inspired when I heard the line “Band-aids don’t fix bullet holes” from Taylor Swift’s song, Bad Blood. I am usually inspired by a scripture when it comes to writing, but this line goes perfectly with a Biblical truth and command I have been pondering over the last couple of weeks-- forgiveness.

I was recently prompted to write a blog on forgiveness. Primarily because this person thought that I struggle with it. Of course, when someone calls me out on something I immediately go on the defense and think, “I am not bitter” and “I totally forgive!” But, after the walls come down, I did start to ponder, “Have I truly forgiven this person? Do I struggle with unforgiveness?” The answer is ... YES, I have forgiven and ... YES, I struggle with forgiveness.

What I have realized about forgiveness is it is a process. I can honestly say that for years I have had to work through forgiving the people that have put bullet holes in me. And like Taylor Swift states in her song, I have put Band-aids on those holes but it doesn’t fix them. Every time another shot is made, that Band-aid is ripped off, and that wound is exposed. I feel the intense pain of the initial injury, then apply the Band-aid again. I'm not sure all wounds completely heal because in some situations shots continue to come. But, I will say that the time it takes to put the Band-aid is way faster for me these days. I used to hold on to my hurt and let it fester, but now I get mad, vent ask God to help me and move on. I am by no means a pro at the whole forgiveness thing but I am trying and it is hard.

I know without a doubt that forgiving is freeing. I’ll never forget the summer of 2014 I experienced an amazing moment of forgiveness. I will never forget it. When Meredith was on her death bed, an individual that was very close to me was angry and said the most horrific thing anyone can ever say to a mother whose child is dying. In so many words, she said it was my fault. I’m still shocked to this day that it was said to me. It took me a long time to recover from those words. Not that I ever believed that Meredith getting cancer and dying was my fault. But, when someone says that to you, it sticks. It was the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me, ever. Over the years, I have had to see this person. At first, I was repulsed by her--absolutely disgusted. I could not stand the sight of her. She was like a poison in my blood. I hated her. I was bitter. She haunted me. But, over time God began healing me, and I started to not feel repulsed or hatred-- just pity. Then, last year came, when the individual that wounded me so deeply was wounded herself, she cried on my shoulder. I stood there and felt nothing but compassion for her.

“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.” ~ Corrie Ten Boom

It was at that moment that my bullet hole was healed up. In a million years, I could not have ever believed that I could forgive this person. But, I had, not by my own accord but through Christ who lives in me.

If there is one thing that I know for a fact, is I will be hurt again. Maybe not as badly as before, but there are still people who are shooting things at me and just because I have forgiven before, doesn’t mean it is an immediate or easy response. As Corrie Ten Boom states above, sometimes I have to will myself to forgive by praying for God to “HELP ME” while other times it comes more easily. By no means does forgiveness mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing an offense. The process of forgiving can be slow and tedious, but it is worth it because with forgiveness comes a great reward--FREEDOM.

Remembering You Today

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Mon, 13 Jul 2015 20:11:00 +0000

April 14, 2015 (Just now posting this...)

7 years ago, I said goodbye to my first born. Meredith Elisabeth was given to me 14 months earlier but taken to Heaven this very day. She would be 8 years old. I always visit her grave on the day of her death. I gaze at the spot where she is buried for hours. I sit and stare at the gravestone in disbelief. It feels like forever since I touched her skin, kissed her cheek and held her tight. What would she look like today? What would she be like? Would she be like me or wild and wonky like Ty? I miss her.

Every birthday and anniversary, God is so gracious to give me some kind of word or verse to encourage me as I remember Meredith. Today was the first time I realized that Meredith is buried on Locust Avenue. As soon as I saw it, I was reminded of a verse in the Bible that speaks about the locust, “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten…” (Joel 2:25 ESV). This is not the first time God has reminded me of this verse. If I looked back through my blog, I know I would see it in one of my writings. This verse has a promise of restoration and I have experienced this ten fold.

Prior to Mer’s anniversary, I was telling Bryan that I am the happiest, most content and most thankful I have ever been. My life is going so well and I have the most amazing and loving two children that are happy and healthy. I also have Bryan and his boys who just add so much more excitement and joy to my life too. Add in doing ministry for a living and things are just golden! I am so blessed. The only thing that is missing is Meredith. She is the missing puzzle piece of my life and soul.

Although Meredith’s death anniversary is extremely sad, God gave me such an encouraging verse to meditate on. Restoration is here and will continue and one day I will understand all that has taken place. My questions will be answered and the puzzle will be complete.

The Lord hath sent strength for thee:

To go on…He gives us power to tread the dead level, to walk the long lane that seems never to have a turning.

To go up… He is to me the power by which I can climb the hill of “difficulty” and not be afraid.

To go down...He is with us in the sultry spheres when our heart grows faint.

To sit still...He is with us even when we can’t hear.

Psalm 68:28

What If?

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Mon, 13 Apr 2015 01:47:00 +0000

The start of April always brings intense and overwhelming feelings. I’ve been really focused on Mer this month and last Saturday I felt such heaviness I was like a zombie walking around. Every year I know April 14th is coming. Every year I feel unprepared to handle the day I lost my first baby to cancer. Every day I take another breath and push through not knowing when the pain will bare down on me so hard that I feel I cannot take another step. I always make it through. But, it is not without great heartache.

I’ve told the story of Meredith a lot this month. Not because I brought it up but because someone asked or a question led me into my story. So, i’ve been going over the details of Mer’s life and death quite a bit. But, I think the one question that hit me hardest was from my eight year old nephew, Jack. Just out of the blue last Saturday he asked,

“Auntie Beth, What if Mer Mer came back to life?”

I answered quickly, “It would be the happiest day of my life!” I love that Jack was thinking of Mer. We hadn’t talked about her at all since we had been together and he was just 1 year old when Mer died. So, the fact that this little boy is thinking of her warms my heart. But, my heart quickly began to break as I pondered this question over and over.

What if Mer stood before me on this Earth today?

-She would be 8 years old

-She would be in second grade

-She would have been in the family Easter picture

-She would be asking me to play my phone or tablet and driving me crazy about it

-She would have been all dressed up for Easter with a pink dress on and bow in her hair

-She would have fought me on wearing a pink dress and bow in her hair

-She would have stick-straight, tangly hair

-She would have her ears pierced

-She would have an Irish twin, named Tyler who drove her crazy

-She would be reading to me at night before bed

-She would be learning to subtract and add double digits

-She would be joyful, sensitive and serious

-She would love to laugh and play

-She would get hurt on the trampoline because Tyler double bounced her

-She would be playing with the neighbors, riding her bike and scootering

-She would kiss me goodnight and tell me she loves me

-She would be my little girl who is growing up too fast

-She would be in my arms wrapped tightly

-She would be loved and cherished beyond comprehension

The reality is, Mer is not here and she is not coming back. It has been 7 years since she took her last breath. It has been seven years of pain, perseverance and healing. It has not been an easy road. But, one day I will see her again and just as imagined that day with Jack, it will indeed be the happiest day of my life.

Seven years ago this month my niece, Meredith Edwards passed away from brain cancer at the age of one. We planted this pink dogwood in her memory. Each year at this time, without fail, it blooms reminding us of of His presence and glory! We are thankful for the many memories we shared with Meredith! We serve an awesome God! Mike & Kim Williams

Flashbacks

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Mon, 16 Feb 2015 00:38:00 +0000

Last night, I was sitting in the floor reading a book to Sadie Grace. This book is full of pictures of real life things and people. One page is about the human body, another is just objects around the house, and so on. We get to her favorite page--the animal page. Even though she is still petrified of most animals, especially dogs, she wants to spend most of her time looking at that particular page. So, she pointed to the pictures and said “waz sis?” (interpretation: what’s this?) and I would name it and then she would copy me. It is so cute. I mean super cute to read with Sadie Grace. I love it.

So, she gets to the picture of a snake (i’ve seen this snake picture hundreds of times). But, I began to have a flashback that was so real it nearly took my breathe away. I remember in May of 2012, walking into my office from a meeting and seeing that my phone had blown up with calls from Precious Little Lambs. Then, I made the call to find out Tyler had been bit by “something” and the ambulance was on its way. Those next moments of running down the hall in high heels, jumping down 5 flights of stairs and driving 90 miles per hour to his preschool were so vivid in my mind. But, the moment that lead to tears was remembering running into the ambulance and seeing my little guy on the stretcher crying. Oh, I was so frightened, but I had been there before. Different child, different circumstances, same feelings...panic, fear and faith. That flashback brought back another flashback-the night that everything changed in an instant for me. I heard the word, “cancer” and all my hopes and dreams I had for myself and for Mer came to a screeching halt. I was on the way to Duke. I was alone sitting beside my little gal bumping along in an ambulance. Isn’t it amazing how one picture from a book can trigger so many memories of the past?

Today Tyler turns 7 years old. His birthday is always a huge celebration for me,but it is also full of flashbacks-good and bad. I had Ty in the midst of unbearable pain and suffering. At the time, his birth seemed like the worst timing EVER. But, as I look back, I see it differently. Ty was a sign of hope. He was the first of so many blessings that were to come. He was the start of something NEW.

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert” (Isaiah 43:19, ESV).

This verse in Isaiah could not be more true for me. I’ve learned that even the most traumatic flashbacks we have can teach us something. To this day, I don’t really understand the purpose of Tyler’s snack bite and the trauma is caused at the time. But, I will say, with all the swirling events that have happened in these 7 years, God has made me stronger, more courageous and more faithful to Him. I hope that this is what Tyler learns from me as he grows older.

To this day, Ty and I often reminisce about his snack bite.It usually comes up when he gets hurt. He’ll bust his knee up and cry. But, when he calms down, he always says, “that was nothing compared to my snake bite!” Oh yes, I am so glad we can keep things in perspective, even at 7 years old!

Happy Birthday to my sweet, wild and willy Tyler. May your life be filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)

Beth

Mull's Merry Christmas Letter

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 02:52:00 +0000

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6, NIV)

Merry Christmas, Friends and Family! This year I had good success in getting out our Christmas cards, but failed to include the letter. This is indicative of how life is right now. I seem to come up short in many areas these days. That's okay, we make it work and get the really important things done! Our family has had a great year full of good health, loving family and most of all hopefullness.

There have been many surprises this year. Bryan changed jobs twice! He left his job as a manager at Carquest to become a database developer at the beginning of this year. He enjoyed that job a lot. It allowed him to grow professionally in the field he loves, and he worked with some great people. It was a leap of faith for us as we left behind a permanent position for a contract one, but it was well worth the risk. At the end of his contract, he was recruited by another company, and was elated to take the job of his dreams. We are indeed grateful each day that God opened the door to such a positive and family friendly work environment for Bryan.

As for me, I have been continuing my work with Providence and love every day of it! I run programs that reach out to the community. One of my favorites is Jobs for Life. This program reaches out to those who are unemployed or underemployed. Many of our students have great obstacles to overcome--being a single parent, lack of transportation, no network, a record, etc... Our main goal is to help our students see that God has gifted us with special skills and talents that He wants us to share with the world. He created us to work! I get to watch complete transformation happen in our student’s lives. I tell everyone, if you want to see a miracle happen before your very eyes, volunteer for Jobs for Life. You will see God take a broken and hopeless situation and turn it into glorious results. Can you tell I love what I do?

Now to our kids- we love them so much. Silas is a TEENAGER! He started high school this year. Raising a teenager these days is no easy task. We are working at it though and learning a ton as we go. Silas is still into sports, which is good since he is taller than Bryan, strong and lean. He ran Cross Country this year and is now playing on the WCBA high school team. Severin is 12 and in the seventh grade. He still enjoys math, but mainly focuses on basketball and friends. He is bright, caring and responsible. Sev also is a fantastic big brother to Tyler and Sadie Grace. He loves beating up Ty and playing with his little sis.

Tyler is in first grade and he is learning so much. I cannot believe how all the sudden one day school clicked. He is a good reader and gets 100% in math consistently (that’s not from his mother’s gene pool). He stays really busy with sports. Ty is involved in Fall baseball, Winter basketball, Spring baseball and Summer swimming. You might think that is a little crazy, but I am telling you, this kid has the most energy I have ever witnessed in my life. It must be unleashed via sports or he will literally bounce through the house like a pinball. Tyler still waits with great anticipation to see his step-brothers each week and loves Sadie Grace. All the boys have adapted well to our sweet girl.

Speaking of our little miracle, Sadie Grace, she is almost 19 months old. Every day is a complete joy with her. She’s learning so much these days. She’s all over the place--never playing with toys, always climbing on chairs, stairs and all over us. Over Thanksgiving she put two words together--”get away.” Well, if you had 3 older brothers picking you up all the time, teaching you to wrestle and showing you all kinds of wild behaviors, that might be your first word combination too! I’ve pretty much accepted that Sadie Grace will not be prissy or dainty. She’s exactly what I dreamed of though-- sweet and spunky. Bryan and I look at her sometimes and cannot even believe God granted us another precious gift. We are so grateful.

Bryan has been reading me John Piper’s Advent devotional which by the way is for real smartie pants--that is why he is reading it to me, then explaining it. There was one in particular devotion that struck me deeply:

Thus says the Lord: the meaning of Christmas is that what is good and precious in your life need never be lost, and what is evil and undesirable in your life can be changed. The fears that the few good things that make you happy are slipping through your fingers, and the frustrations that the bad things you hate about yourself or your situation can’t be changed—these fears and these frustrations are what Christmas came to destroy.(The Dawning of Indestructible Joy, John Piper)

Sunday night, I joined over 100 parents at the Wake County Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting Ceremony. Every December, bereaved parents get together to remember their child(ren). I go every year even though it is hard and reminds me of the greatest loss of my life. Beside me sat a couple who lost their teenage son 55 days ago. The pain is raw and almost debilitating. Christmas time is a time of intense agony for bereaved parents, especially the newly bereaved. There is so much hurt, confusion and frustration in that room. As I sat there looking at my child’s picture among the others,I found myself thinking of this very quote: “What is good and precious in your life need never be lost.” No, Mer is not lost. I might not be able to hold, kiss and touch her this Christmas, but she is secured deep into my mind and soul and will be with me always. Also, all the things that I used to hate about my situation have been transformed from beauty from ashes. For me, Piper’s thoughts are spot on. Without Christmas, my life transformation would not have been possible.

I am so encouraged and excited about the future. I feel that 2015 is going to be a great year. God meets each of us right where we are every year. He has given us so many gifts--unconditional love, guidance and hope. His greatest gift of all was Jesus Christ! I pray you know Him as your Savior and can experience all His mercies this Christmas!

Blessings,

Beth & Family

Joy and Sorrow

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Wed, 27 Aug 2014 01:58:00 +0000

“...sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.” (2 Corinthians 6:4, 10)

Ever since I read the devotion “Joined Together” from Streams in the Desert, I've been pondering this concept of joy and sorrow joining together. The idea of these two emotions existing in one’s heart at the very same time seems impossible. But, I can honestly say that it can happen.

Today I celebrated my 38th birthday. There was a time in my life that I couldn't imagine celebrating anything. When I lost Mer, I literally thought I would never feel one ounce of joy again. I thought I would remain wounded and sorrowful to the day I died. But, over the years God has given me more than I could have ever dreamed of.

This morning, I felt extreme joy as I took care of Sadie Grace. She is full of life, full of smiles and such a ray of sunshine. She is 16 months and busy, happy, wild and bold. I stopped for a moment to look at her and gratitude filled my heart. I felt so much joy tears came to my eyes, and immediately they turned into sorrow over the daughter that I cannot share this day with. This kind of thing happens all the time. When Sadie Grace wakes in the middle of the night and I rock her just as I rocked Mer--the same chair, the same closeness, the same depth of love. When Sadie Grace surpassed Mer’s life, there was joyous relief yet deep sorrow that yet another child lived beyond Mer’s short time on earth. It’s in those times when I remember what I have been given and what I have lost, and it hurts deeply all while joy and gratitude continues to bubble to the surface.

I have often felt like I am not grateful enough for the gift of Sadie Grace. As if I am supposed to be over the tragedy of losing Mer because God blessed me with this precious new daughter. But, I believe this verse identifies and clarifies those thoughts. It is simply joy and sorrow joined together. I agree, it seems humanly impossible and it is. But, it is possible through Jesus.

“Should Sorrow lay her hand upon thy shoulder,

And walk with thee in silence on life’s way,

While Joy, thy bright companion once, grown colder,

Becomes to thee more distant day by day?

Shrink not from the companionship of Sorrow,

She is the messenger of God to thee;

And thou wilt thank Him in His great tomorrow

For what thou knowest not now, thou then shalt see;

She is God’s angel, clad in weeds of night,

With ’whom we walk by faith and not by sight.’”

http://www.youdevotion.com/streams/august/19

Box of Blessings

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Mon, 18 Aug 2014 01:21:00 +0000

As I mentioned in my last post, I gave up all TV and Facebook for a week. At first, it was simply liberating! I was taking care of so much unfinished business. I read like crazy and finished a book in 2 days (Orphan Train is awesome if you need a good read). I also spent way more time with the Lord and had a vision for my next project at work. It was invigorating! But, by day 5, I was yearning to get lost in some drama show or mindless scrolling on Facebook. It was much harder than I expected. I find that I really lean on these distractions when my sweet Ty is away. The weekends are usually more low key when we have just the baby. It’s hard to shift gears and say good bye to Ty and our routine with the older boys. Even after almost 2 years of sending him off to his dads, we both grieve when we say goodbye. So, when my boy is gone, I just want to sit in front of the TV and be numb. I don’t want to think about missing him. I don’t want to think about how much it hurts to have to say goodbye. I just want to feel nothing.

The absence of media meant the influx of feelings. I felt everything I have been avoiding over the last few months. I had a lot of time to think, ponder, and pray. It was difficult but the tears that came were a relief in a way.

One of the tasks I wanted to accomplish during my media fast was cleaning out our master closet. I began shifting things around and purging when I stumbled upon old pictures of me from 2004. Man, I looked young and full of life! I feel like I have aged significantly since then. Oh, I have been through so many ups and downs in 10 years. I am a totally different person, but a better one.

Then, I opened a box I have had since 2008 where I kept every single card I was sent when Meredith was sick and when she died. I opened it and began reading. There are probably close to 300 cards in that box. As I picked each one up, I wept. Many of them were from acquaintances while others were from dear friends or family members. Some were from complete strangers. All of them were a precious gift as they reminded me of the love and encouragement I received during such a difficult time. I was in the deepest pain imaginable, but each day came cards of hope. People poured their hearts out to me. They were on their knees in prayer. In the 20 cards I got through, I noticed that many of them were from the people that I see every Sunday at Providence.

As I glanced around my Sunday school class I wanted to say, “Do you remember writing me a note when my daughter was sick? Thank you, it meant so much that you prayed for us even though you hardly knew me.” Instead I was paralyzed and on the verge of bursting into tears. I am so thankful to be known by so many amazing and generous people. All these years later, our paths have crossed again and now I have the privilege to pray for the very people who cared so deeply for me. It is an honor.

As closed this special box, I was struck by the commonalities in the cards I was sent-- each person expressed how Mer’s story had a huge impact on their lives. I was reminded that her story is not over. That she lives within me still and our journey together will never end.

Don’t think of her as gone away-

Her journey’s just begun,

Life holds so many facets-

The earth is only one.

Just think of her as resting

From the sorrows and the tears

In a place of warmth of comfort

Where there are no days and years.

Think how she must be wishing

That we could know today

How nothing but our sadness

Can really pass away.

And think of her as living

In the hearts of those she touched…

For nothing loved is ever lost-

And she was loved so much.

E. Brenneman

Eye Openers

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Mon, 04 Aug 2014 01:03:00 +0000

I’m participating in a Bible Study with some moms from Tyler’s school and it has been challenging us all to give up certain items each week. We started off with food. I chose to just buy for the week instead of stocking up. This was a breeze considering nothing stays in our pantry more than 5 minutes with the amount of kids we have. Then, we moved on to clothing. This I loved because I enjoy purging and am constantly looking for things to give away. I try to my best ability to not hold on to things if they aren't absolutely needed. It also helps to have a husband who cares nothing about material things. He’d be fine with one shirt and one pair of jeans, a chair and a lamp—that’s all.

The last experiment, give up MEDIA. I was excited about this one, but it has been hard. I decided to give up TV and Facebook because these are the things I do when I feel tired or unmotivated. You know what I realized? I waste so much time watching mindless shows and looking at Facebook. Don’t get me wrong, both of those things are good in moderation. But, I was using them as a numbing tool and to avoid what I need to do. I have done so many amazing things since I started fasting: tons of laundry, organizing and reorganizing, reading, devotions and journaling. I have done puzzles, gone on walks, cooked—it’s amazing! I haven’t cleaned though, that will come when I am desperate for something to do! I was hoping that this time would be used as a writing reboot. So, many things go through my mind and I often don’t get them typed up or written down because of distractions. It’s been good to be free from these activities and my passion for writing has definitely been reignited.

I haven’t blogged since February, BUT so many things have happened. The last couple of months have been full of eye openers. For the most part, my life has been drama free. Yes, this is quite different from the past where I was either in throws of drama myself or engaged in someone else’s drama. I noticed that God has pretty much moved out the people in my life that filled it with drama. Initially, I freaked out, not knowing my purpose. I have been in crisis or handling other people’s crisis for years. What now?

The cool thing is God has been teaching me is who I am and how to best use my gifts. One of my gifts is to be like a “triage” for hurting people. In a crisis, I can encourage and strengthen them. I can problem solve and direct. Then, I turn them over to long termers—the people who God has gifted with time and perseverance to hang in for the long journey ahead.

I’ve also learned that the pain of the past is no longer my story! If you’re one of my followers, you know that I dread the month of April. The thought of walking through Mer’s death anniversary is overwhelming. My mind and heart are always twisted in knots as I prepare for the 14^th. This time of the year is always difficult. As I was approaching Mer’s 6th death anniversary, I was asked to speak at a women’s event. I struggled so much with my talk, I could not find a focus and I couldn’t get the right flow. When I presented my story, I felt rusty and I knew something wasn’t quite right. It wasn’t until afterwards that I realized my story is no longer just about the pain of the past. My story has been transformed to how God heals and blesses. It is a journey of redemption and resilience because of God’s grace and mercy. My eyes were opened that day as a new direction was given to me. This song began to play right after my revelation:

“You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things
Out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us”

(Beautiful Things, First Light Worship)

Yes, there has been so much dust over the years clouding my view of God and myself. I have gone through times of freedom and been through periods of pain and disappointment. But, through those obstacles, God has been refining me and the blessings have indeed been beautiful.

Mysterious

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Thu, 06 Feb 2014 21:22:00 +0000

My New Year’s resolution was to get back to journaling. Oh, it is hard these days to spend time with the Lord and then reflect. Life seems so chaotic and I can barely keep up. Bryan and I both reminisce about those weekends long ago that we had time to rest and extended quiet times. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change having our baby for anything. She is an absolute joy and every day I am thankful for her sweet smile. But, we are tired!

I cannot believe Sadie Grace is 9 months old. Everyone is enjoying her so much these days. The older boys always bring up those first few months, “Remember when she used to cry all the time? Remember when it used to take an hour to feed her?” Now they say, “she’s so happy and cute!” Whew, I don’t miss those first few months. They were intense. I have to say SG is easy as pie these days. She is just like Bryan, easy going, smiley and just plain sweet. I’m a lucky woman!

2014 has really started with a bang. Each of our schedules has busied quite a bit. Our jobs have become intense, school and basketball season is in full swing, Tyler is learning to read in Kindergarten and baby girl has started to crawl and is about to pulling up. SLOW DOWN LIFE!

In the midst of all these busy activities, I still cannot help but to miss my sweet Mer. There have been times when she feels so distant. It’s been almost 6 years since I saw her. But, whenever I panic about forgetting her, God always brings her back to me. Sometimes is a subtle memory, like when I put Sadie Grace in one of Mer’s hats and I have a vivid memory of her. Other times, it comes in the form of communicating with a bereaved parent who desperately needs some encouragement to keep living. As you can imagine, these flashbacks hurt sometimes while other times they give me bursts of joy.

I just read my post from January 2013 and I was intrigued that God has given me the same concept to ponder one year later.

Colossians 2:2-3 says, That their hearts might be comforted, being knit together in love, and unto all riches of the full assurance of understanding, to the acknowledgement of the mystery of God, and of the Father, and of Christ; In whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.”

I think we all try to understand what God does or doesn’t do in our lives. It’s often times very hard to accept disappointments. But, this verse reminds me that there will always be some mystery to God’s plan. Some things our minds will just never fully comprehend. However, when we go through these events that just don’t make sense, there is comfort and love available to us. And, I truly believe that over time He does reveal treasures of wisdom and knowledge that can bring peace to our souls.

Just some cute pics of the kiddos:

Blessed Birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Wed, 04 Sep 2013 01:48:00 +0000

“…There shall be showers of blessings.” Ezekial 34:26 KJV

Well, it has been four months since I have been able to think straight. Now that I am coming out of the fog of new parenthood, I am grateful to be able to see things clearly again. Having such a precious baby come into our lives has been absolutely dreamy (minus the first month). Sweet Sadie Grace is an absolute angel. The last few weeks, she has been tussled around with all the boys starting school, me going back to work and being with a new babysitter. But, throughout it all she has stayed happy and healthy. We are so blessed.

This summer was absolutely crazy. It certainly wasn’t easy to wrap our minds around all the different needs of the children, especially now that Bryan and I are totally outnumbered. Our boy’s schedules have been insane—they come and go like we’re a hotel sometimes. I cannot even believe that Bryan and I can keep up with it. This summer, I began to resent that we are not a “normal” family. There are so many emotions that go with sending your child away. It’s not easy on anyone.

My discontentment turned into anger and frustration, and I’ve felt edgy and discontent. Then, it hit me—I am a nitpicky Christian. God has showered me with so many blessings which include a brand new baby girl, and all I could do is complain about the things that have not turned out quit right in my eyes. What a disservice I’m doing to my family and myself! There is so much to celebrate. In 2008, everything crumbled and I’ve been grieving since then. I haven’t been in full fledged grief, but it’s like there has been a black cloud that followed me all these years. It finally occurred to me on my 37^th birthday, that I was the one carrying that cloud around. I decided to give the cloud up. I still have sadness and cry when I think of my losses, but the painful grief is gone. I am free.

Last year in my devotion on my birthday I wrote, “I just want closure.” I can honestly say that I have it. My life is how it should be. It is a good life full of amazing people, opportunities to help those who are hurting, joy as I watch my children smile and laugh. I have been showered with blessings from above. It’s like a small taste of what is to come when I meet my first born again.

Hope: Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Sat, 13 Jul 2013 02:24:00 +0000

Ahh, I am sitting in the car while Tyler is cat napping, the older boys are roller skating and Sadie Grace is at home with Bryan. Finding the time to write these days is nearly impossible. So, I am thankful for these quiet moments. I’ve got so many things running through my head these days. But, today I am meditating on the concept of “hope.” As I was sitting in church Sunday, everything that was said pointed to having hope. I immediately thought of the hope God has given me in my life even through the toughest trials. I think about those days with Mer a lot now because of Sadie Grace. She has these beautiful blue eyes that stare up at me. When we lock eyes, tears fill mine because it reminds me of those countless hours I spent holding Mer. If you’ve kept up with my story, you know that Meredith never took a nap without me holding her. My arms ached and I got nothing accomplished those days, but as I look back I am so grateful for all those special moments. Sadie Grace is way better about napping on her own, but the times that she is fighting it I am taken back to those old memories. I’m so thankful that my sweet little Sadie reminds me so much of mothering Mer.

In my days of despair, I remember feeling hopeless. My pain left me feeling depressed and paralyzed. I recall sharing with my Aunt Joyce Lynne that I would:

· Never feel happy again

· Never remarry again

· Never recover

I’ll never forget what she said to me, “Beth, I will hope for you.” That’s what happened too. She and all my family hoped for me until I could do so on my own. What an amazing gift that was to me.

Today, that kind of hopelessness is a distant memory as God has taken me on a magnificent journey of healing and restoration. But, I’ll never forget the way others carried me through so much pain and suffering. And now I am honored to be able to hope for others.

Sadie Grace!

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 00:40:00 +0000

I cannot believe how long it has taken me to be able to get to a computer and journal. Life has been non-stop. A little over a month ago, Sadie Grace came into this world and let me just say she has rocked it ever since. Time has passed so quickly that I can hardly comprehend the reality that I am a mom again. Bryan and I totally agree that we forgot the aches and pains of having another baby. We are definitely rusty!

Sadie Grace's birth was similar to Tyler's-- fast and furious. On the 24th, I had early labor and thought for sure she was coming. I called my parents and they drove down that night from VA and as soon as they arrived, everything came to a screeching hault. My dad kept saying, "this baby is coming till the 5th of May, I am telling you, she isn't coming tonight." Bryan agreed that I was pushing it and I needed to be patient. Ugh, I couldn't imagine my parents staying till the 5th (even though I love them both dearly) and could not bare the thought of them leaving and missing the big day. So, we all went to bed and decided to make a decision on the future later.

April 25th, I woke up at 7:30am and was feeling fine. I decided that I would take Tyler to school and take it easy at home. 8:30 rolled around and I had a few mild contractions. At 9:00, Dad started driving Tyler and I to his school and my labor picked up aggressively. As I walked Tyler into school, I doubled over in pain and I knew I was in active labor. Hiding it from Ty, I quickly limped back to the car and immediately called hotline. The nurse instructed me to go to the office to get checked. I found this odd as I was in extreme pain and in freak-out mode. But, I obeyed and well it turned out that I was 5-6 cm and I needed to get to Wake Med pronto. By that time, Bryan was waiting in the car downstairs with mom. I got in the car and we were off. It was 9:55 am. I knew this baby was going to come quickly since I labored and delivered in 3 hours with Tyler. I began to freak out a bit in the car. Bryan was completely calm and focused. I was all over the place--screaming to drive faster, instructing him to run lights on New Bern Ave, accusing him of driving slow. He was unaffected and continued to drive safely and within the limits of the law. Mom was in the back telling me to breathe. She was timing my contractions and trying to calm me down. The pain was excrushiating. I knew that my hopes of an epidural and pain free child birth was quickly disappating. Oh, how I dreamed of that kind of birth.

When we arrived, I began telling every Wake Med staff person I wanted drugs. I knew my window of opportunity was narrowing. I believe I told the janitor I wanted drugs. I didn't care who gave it to me--I just wanted them. I made it to the delivery room by 10:22 and Dr. Harden arrived. What a relief, he delivered Meredith and Tyler. I knew I was in good hands. Unfortunately, he could care less that I wanted an epidural as he immediately broke my water. 24 minutes later, Sadie Grace entered the world. I think Dr. Harden summed up the experience the next morning when he asked, "Do you have PTSD after that birth?"

But, it was worth it when I saw her sweet little face. She had a full head of dark brown hair and cute little lips. She looks so different from Mer and Ty. They both had blond hair and fair skin, Sadie looks like a mini Bryan. It does look like she will have blue eyes like Ty and I though. We like to say that she's like us in that way. She acts like me too-- high maintenance and stubborn. I was hoping she would be more like her daddy, but I can see her spunk already.

I've had some time to really think about Sadie's arrival and the gift that she is to me lately. Ephesians 1:11 stood out to me in one of my quiet times. It says, 11-12 It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone." (MSG)

It's been hard over the years to make sense of God's plan for my life and especially my children's. But, I love this reminder that God has designed a glorious plan for all of us. Even though there has been intense pain over extreme loss, it feels good to have intense joy over what I have gained. Sadie Grace does not replace my dear daughter in Heaven, but what she does do is bring back my happy memories of Meredith. Seeing her in some of Mer's clothes makes me smile. Listening to her scream in her crib for 15 minutes and then becoming silent and falling asleep in my arms after 1 minute makes me remember Meredith. Hearing people describe her as a "doll" reminds me of Meredith. All the memories Sadie evokes in me remind me of the good times with Mer. The bad times have fallen away in the distance while the good ones continue to bubble to the surface. What a precious gift this it to her mommy. I'm looking forward to making new memories with Sadie Grace too. I know God had his eye on all of us when he gave her to our family.

Mer's Memorial

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 19:13:00 +0000

Just in case you aren't in Raleigh, here is Mer's precious memorial. Thank you to Rene who always remembers to recognize my sweet girl!

God is Love

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 17:50:00 +0000

God is Love (1 John 4:8, NIV)

I am just in awe over how much love I feel right now. The last few days, your letters, e-mails and calls have catapulted me out of such sadness. I can honestly say that this is the fastest I have ever bounced back from an anniversary.

Sunday was hard. I felt so overwhelmed with sadness and it was a long day. I was fortunate to be surrounded by my family. My parents and Aunt Joyce came down to be with me, which was special. My Aunt and mom were in the room when Meredith went into Eternity. Joyce helped us through the stages and changes in Meredith’s last hours. I was so blessed to have nurse, friend, Aunt and strong believer to guide me through those moments. She’s also been through my side for everything else too. It meant so much to have her with me. In addition, I got so many lovely notes from my dearest friends. I am so lucky to have so many people remember my baby girl’s life. One of a bereaved parent’s biggest fears is that their child will be forgotten. But, Mer lives on in the heart of so many. What a special little girl.

I was talking to my grandma, Mama 2, yesterday on her birthday and she was telling me how loved she felt at 90. She kept talking about how her family and friends have shown her so much love and care through the years and her overwhelming feeling on her 90th birthday was love. It made me really think about my own life as well. I’ve gone through times when I did not feel like God heard me or loved me, but those feelings were always short lived. Why? Because He has put so much love around me that I could never fully convince myself that He didn’t care. There are so many people I love and that love me too.

After my talk with Mama 2, I gave a presentation at work about all the ministries I run. Once again, my report was all about how people’s lives were being transformed because someone stopped and loved them. So, my day was consumed with reminders of God’s love that were intertwined with everything I am doing in my life.

What a simple message and one that I don’t often focus on—that God is love. I’m thankful that even though this reminder came through feeling pain and disappointment, that it overpowered those feelings quickly.

Well, word from the doctor this morning is to be ready for baby girl #2. She is in position, and doing her thing to make an entrance into the world. I gotta get home and pack my bag, Bryan’s bag and Baby Mull’s bag. More love is coming my way…

Vision

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 19:17:00 +0000

As Meredith’s 5 year anniversary approaches, I cannot help but wonder where the time has gone. I cannot believe she has been gone this long. I haven’t even been able to focus on her anniversary. My mind is on overload with preparing for the baby. I have so much to do! But, I know that if I busy myself too much, the grief will completely slam me on Sunday. So, I asked God last night, to help me focus on Mer. Each year, I want to know what I should have learned from this tragedy or who I should be transforming into.

This is the first year that I have felt that I have not used Mer’s story to minister to anyone. I haven’t been pursuing speaking engagements, writing my next book, blogging consistently or ministering to hurting women. I've been so distracted. I've been so tired, sick and uncomfortable. This pregnancy has zapped me of my strength and focus.

I was remembering back to the years right after all the tragedy. I spent hours writing, crying and healing. I was so close to the Lord. I was helping people like crazy and giving my testimony to all these groups of women. I kept Mer alive in a way by talking about her and sharing her with everyone. It was true ministry.

This year, I feel panicked that I am not doing enough. Am I forgetting her? What am I doing to continue her legacy? Is she fading out because of this new baby girl? Am I bad mom because my life has moved on in so many different directions and I cannot focus on her? My heart is torn.

This morning Oswald’s reflection on Mark 16:12 helped me revisit the past and reflect,

You should always recognize the difference between what you see Jesus to be and what He has done for you. If you see only what He has done for you, your God is not big enough. But if you have had a vision, seeing Jesus as He really is, experiences can come and go, yet you will endure.”

Am I the only one who gets totally caught up in what God has or has not done for me? Yikes, this was convicting. I go back in time a lot and get frustrated by results or lack of results. I know that I was never closer and more in tune with who Jesus was than when Mer with sick and the year after her death. I wasn't focused on what God was going to do for me but I was always pondering and digging deeper into the truth of who God was and is.

While focusing on Him He steadily rebuilt my life—filling it with great people and good things to replace what was taken. I see His mighty hand, His faithfulness and His character in every part of the last 5 years.

So, as I prepare for my sweet girl’s death anniversary, and my new girl’s entry, I will remember Jesus. Because over these past years, I have seen a vision of God, and I will never be the same.

Love you sweet Baby Mer!

Torn Shackles

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 18:57:00 +0000

It is hard to believe that I am 33 weeks pregnant! I am starting to nest and I am like a mad woman trying to get everything done. Even worse, my poor hubs has been working himself to the bone helping me. Gosh, I’m so thankful to have him. He shows me grace like you would not believe.

This journey through pregnancy has been a long one. I am as big as I was full-term with Meredith and I have 7 weeks to go. I am not used to this big baby thing at all. Meredith was tiny weighing 5lbs 13oz and Tyler was only 6.5 lbs. I have a feeling with the way this baby is growing; I will be unable to walk soon! She is in the 75% for growth. I almost passed out when I heard this. I think I will definitely opt for an epidural this time!

There have been so many happy times over these 7 months, but a month ago, I celebrated Meredith’s birthday with tears and TV. I was so sad and it hit me like a ton of bricks! The days leading up to the 16th were great. But, grief came on strong this year and I wasn’t ready for it. I cried and watched Lifetime and LMN to numb the pain. What is about those channels that make women feel better? I know I am not the only one…

After I tried to numb the pain through meaningless TV, I decided to pull out my old home videos and watch Mer’s whole life. She was so cute and perfect. The memories of the joy she brought to my life made me smile, but also reminded me to live with hope. Then, my devotion on the 16th said,

“Although I have afflicted you…I will afflict you no more. Now I will break their yoke from your neck and tear your shackles away” (Nahem 1:12-13)

I love these verses because sometimes I feel that losing Mer and the grief that comes with it is similar to living like a prisoner. My joy and hope can be easily dashed when I think about all the hard times I have had. But, there have been many prisoners throughout history who have been set free from their past and who have been given amazing futures.

I find myself very nervous about what my life is going to be like when Baby Mull arrives. I like to have everything planned and fixed up just right. But, God has really taught me to be patient and not try to over plan. He is slowly tearing away my shackles of worry and control and replacing them with peace and joy.

Hope

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 19:34:00 +0000

What a wonderful week this has been! Tuesday was such a joyous day! Since I have had so many issues with my past pregnancies, I get to have an ultrasound every month and the tech is so sweet! She always shows us baby girl in 3D. Last month, I could not believe how clear I could see her being that she was only a little over a pound. Now her picture is even clearer and she is 2lbs 14 oz! Bryan and I got to see her suck her thumb, open her eyes and squirm all around. I cannot believe it, but she definitely has my nose and mouth. Bryan confirmed this. I’m sure he is not all that thrilled about the mouth thing since I have a big one, HA! It really has been amazing to watch her grow. I still get all choked up looking at the pictures. She is already so beautiful and perfect. I am so grateful.

Today, my baby boy is 5! I still cannot believe how big he has gotten. I am such a blessed mommy. Wow, he and I have been on a major roller coaster this year. We’ve been through so many changes. This morning after presents, looking through his baby book and baking brownies, I had him sit in my lap so I could pray over him. I began to remember the timing of his birth. It was such a difficult time for me. Actually, when my water broke, I was hysterically laughing as it seemed like the worst time in the world to have a baby. But, God knew the exact day Tyler was to be born. He was such a bright light in the middle of a hurricane of darkness and pain. He continues to shine even to this day. When I think of him, I always remember that God blesses us in the midst of pain and that God brings new life through His blessings. Our circumstances are never hopeless—they might be hard but they are NOT hopeless.

Of course, I cried thankful tears all over Tyler during my prayer. He looked at me like I was a wacko, emotional wreck—boy, he knows me well. Happy Birthday to my sweet boy!

The Key

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 03:21:00 +0000

Memories of my past have been present on my heart and soul lately. Some of my quiet times have brought me back to the verses, songs and writings that accompanied me in my darkest days. It has been interesting how these passages and songs have a different effect on me today. I remember feeling Psalm 6:6 to my core. I recall listening to Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns and being overwhelmed with sadness. I’ll never forget reading portions of Job and believing that the only thing left that could happen to me was to get boils like him. Then, I got a blown vein after a failed IV and sure enough, I looked like I had a boil. Life was really difficult back then. Life is better now.

I also recall laying on Mer’s grave in the cold, crying till the tears ran dry. Now, when I return to her grave, I am sad, I cry, but the pain is less severe. For the first time, I was able to go to her grave and not feel my heart breaking. I know it is weird, but I wanted to tell her that I was having a girl. I know she can’t hear me. But, I wanted her to know that God gave me another special gift. I think if she could see me, she would be happy for me.

Living a joyful life without my firstborn is still so difficult. But, time does heal wounds especially when it's used to help others learn to depend on God no matter what. I stumbled over this poem a couple of days ago and it really sums up this sometimes mysterious, but always faithful God:

“Is there some problem in your life to solve,
Some passage seeming full of mystery?
God knows, who brings the hidden things to light.
He keeps the key.
Is there some door closed by the Father’s hand
Which widely opened you had hoped to see?
Trust God and wait—for when He shuts the door
He keeps the key.
Is there some earnest prayer unanswered yet,
Or answered NOT as you have thought t’would be?
God will make clear His purpose by and by.
He keeps the key.
Have patience with your God, your patient God,
All wise, all knowing, no long lingerer He,
And the door of all your future life
He keeps the key.
Unfailing comfort, sweet and blessed rest,
To know of EVERY door He keeps the key.
That He at last when just HE sees is best,
Will give it THEE.”

Anonymous

What powerful words of wisdom. I look at my life now almost 5 years down the road a bereaved parent, broken woman, an outcast and I can honestly say that God has rebuilt a life that I thought would never be put back together again. I doubted God’s ability to restore such a mess. Today, I can remember the pain and it pushes me forward. I’m still waiting for the key but I know that there will be a day where I will get the key, when I see Jesus face to face.

Baby Girl

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 17:54:00 +0000

“Do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel.”

Corrie ten Boom, The Hiding Place

I cry every time I read this quote from Corrie ten Boom. Right after Bryan and I found out we were having a baby GIRL, I saw this quote and it sums up exactly what I feel in my heart. When Bryan and I talked about having a baby this summer, I quickly said, “I cannot do this again unless it is a girl.” He quickly reminded me that I did not have control over that, which I knew, but I really wanted a girl!

When I found out I was pregnant, I had mixed emotions-- waves of concern, excitement and thoughts that Bryan and I were just plane crazy! Our schedules between all of our boys, work, family and friends is absolutely packed. But, we left it to the Lord and trusted Him that He blessed us with a baby and He would show us the way.

The whole pregnancy I have only been thinking about girl names, but on the way back from Disney, I decided it was time to peruse the boy name list. So, Bryan, Tyler, Severin and Jackson (my nephew) and I went through 250 boy names. It was hysterical listening to the names they liked and didn’t like. Of course, there was no consensus besides naming the baby, poop—which is Tyler’s favorite word. Bryan and I came to a decision we liked and the little ones agreed so I thought to myself…get ready Beth this might be a boy.

Monday morning I woke up early with thoughts racing through my mind. If this baby was a boy, I could handle it, but I still held out hope that maybe God would give me a second chance at being a girly mom. So we headed off to the ultrasound. Since I am considered a “mature age mother,” which I do not appreciate I might add, we got a very thorough ultrasound. We saw every part of the baby’s heart, brain, etc… It was very exciting BUT we wanted to know what the baby was!!! Our doctor was so sweet and said, “we will know shortly.” So, we waited a good 20 minutes and looked at things we could not make out, and then all the sudden the doctor writes GIRL on the screen. I leaned up and said, “Are you serious?” and then burst into tears. I mean, overwhelming, uncontrollable sobbing took place. Then, Bryan started to cry and he was followed by our ultrasound doctor. Everyone in that room knew what this meant to me. The opportunity to have another girl is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. Later on when I sat in the room alone, I wept again and I haven’t stopped since Monday.

I love Corrie’s quote because having another girl has never been about replacing my love for Meredith with love for another child. I wasn’t trying to fill a void with my desire to have another girl. But, I have so much love for Mer that I cannot get to her because I am unable to touch, raise and speak to her. In many ways my love does feel blocked. I’ve also had to work so hard to keep my heart soft and open. It has been a struggle. Bitterness and pain try to creep in and there have been times that I thought I would just give up on really living life to the fullest. However, God always gave me enough strength and perseverance to keep my heart open. He has blessed me with a second chance at love with a wonderful husband and another route for my love to travel with the gift of this baby girl. Praise Him!

Mom brought us a blue and pink box to open depending on the gender. Of course, she started shopping long ago. So glad to see a pink dress, bonnett and shoes. Cannot wait!

Possibilities!

noreply@blogger.com (Fourteen Meercies) — Sat, 24 Nov 2012 18:57:00 +0000

This Thanksgiving has been a time of reflection and refocus. Bryan, myself and the boys went to Emerald Isle for Thanksgiving. It was great to be on the beach. I always feel like I hear something from the Lord when I gaze into the sky and look at the waves. I spent a lot of time at the beach after Mer died and I find great comfort there, especially in Emerald Isle. It’s such a blessing that I married someone from there—I get to go anytime I want!

I’ve struggled a bit with being thankful this holiday. I can get really distracted and discouraged by hardship. But, God gave me such a wonderful reminder on my walk on the beach—God delights in impossibilities.

I have looked at my life and many of my trials and remember thinking:

· Living without Meredith—impossible

· Feeling joy again—impossible

· Loving again—impossible

· Remarriage—impossible

· Writing a book—impossible

· Another baby—impossible

· Moving on from the past—impossible

I was right, none of things were possible through my own plans and efforts. All these things had to be given to the Lord so He could make them all possible. Mark 10:27 says, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” So when I think about what I am thankful for in 2012, it is that walking with God is always an adventure because nothing is too difficult for Him.

16 weeks pregnant!