How trustworthy are you? Use this handy little chart to see if you’re in the clear. If you classify as dangerous, threatening, or god-forbid “disastrous”, do us all a favor and break out that rusty razor and go to town. We can’t have you creepin’ around giving us the willies. Let’s get some of those disagreeable facial man pubes out of our direct line of sight and set us all at ease. M’kay?

Lyrics:
Damn, who’s that girl I see across the room?
You’re the prettiest thang in this whole Whole Foods
Slip fair trade coffee in yo’ cup, getcha in the mood
So come with me in my drop-top Prius, baby
My love is like global warming, you can’t deny it
It’s an inconvenient truth, but I cannot hide it
So turn off the lights cuz it’s eco friendly
You know you like the size of my carbon footprint

Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
You got me crazy, mixing up my papers and my plastics
Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
Don’t need no condoms
’cause rubber ain’t biodegradable

Earth Day Sex
Ain’t no better day for loving
Earth Day Sex

Girl by now, my intention you oughta know,
Wanna get into the hole in your ozone,
Our love’s not about sustainability
Only need 1 night to melt your ice-caps, baby
You tree-huggin’ all day, so could
you spend all night protecting my Redwood?
Now I gotta know if I can
come and develop your wetlands?

Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
Just don’t panic, I’m 100 percent free-range organic
Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
You got junk in yo’ trunk
and I’d like to compact it, yeah

Earth Day Sex
Ain’t no better day for loving
Earth Day Sex

Let’s recycle tonight baby…

1. Teaching Math In 1950’s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960’s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970’s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980’s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990’s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s okay.)

6. Teaching Math In 2008
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho el hachero?

160 Years Ago

California became a state
The people had no electricity
The state had no money
Almost everyone spoke Spanish
There were gunfights in the streets
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn’t hold hands!

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that’s the way the system is set up. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)
In the rain. (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
It’s her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner.. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it’s not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar. (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2) It’s called ‘Death Cop.’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter; you have one too.” (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

Spray tan = loser in a can. And for the love of God, somebody please let me know exactly when the ‘Astro-boy’ look became popular? ‘Spiky hair’ is
supposed to be a generalization, isn’t it?
P.S. - I got 50 bucks that says at least one of these guys is named Carlos.
P.S.S. - Thank god pink shirt dude in the back decided to raise his arms, so we can all get a glimpse of just how gay that shirt really is.

I wonder if they have competitions to see who can get their hair the spikiest? I guess this shot was taken on spiky hair and striped shirt day. Somebody needs to tell spiky at bottom right to ‘pop his collar’. He ain’t fitting in. Notice the lack of available/interested girls. ‘Nuff said.

(more…)

It’s all a matter of perception sometimes.

Here’s the reply the teacher received the following day from the child’s Mom:

Dear Mrs. Jones,

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

This little guy probably doesn’t know what life is like without his artificial legs. Look at that smile! He probably doesn’t have very many bad days and enjoys a slew of activities. If you feel that life has handed you lemons and your situation feels miserable, remember this kid. He triumphantly smiles through his adversity. Let’s stop complaining and start being thankful for what we have, especially our own two legs to walk on.

This poor little chick leads a miserable life because his stupid older brother is always squawking and chirping to get attention. Getting stepped on by his mom and pecked at by his siblings is getting really old. He’s thinking about flying away from the nest and auditioning for that social media mascot part he saw on that Twitter flyer yesterday. Tweeting he could do. Squawking and pecking…not so much. Now just to get some food to strengthen his young feeble wings.

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel.

Bedtime Snack: Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half a tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday’s sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”.

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request?”

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse, alone this time.”

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, “Listen very carefully! For the last time I said…Bring Posse!”

Genius! This guy’s my hero! I consume a banana every morning. It’s my favorite fruit and a staple of my complete breakfast along with granola cereal and milk warmed up in the microwave. I’m astounded I’ve never thought of opening a banana this way. All it takes is some dude wearing monkey pajama pants to try a friend’s suggestion and then share it with the world. The joy of peeling bananas will never be the same. This video has changed my life… Banana Lovers Unite!