1. There will frequently be incorrect grammar used that is not pointed out to me by squiggly green lines or in the case of the age of my computer a helpful paperclip with big eyebrows. Take everything you read as you would from a homeless guys cardboard sign. It doesn’t have to be perfect it just has to be funny enough to giggle at and worth a couple nickels and pocket lint. Plus I like to misspell words because I hope to become bttr @ txting & twtn. Not being a proficient texter these days can make or break the deal when you go stag to as many high school proms as I do.

2. References to self termination will be taken light heartedly. I think it is an utterly untapped comedic resource and I plan to tap away. If you can’t talk about painting the walls on your own website where are you supposed to? They keep erasing all of my stuff at the Aiken Brewing Company bathroom.

3. I like to write about pretty much anything that gets spun around in my twisted mind. There is usually a waiting period when I write stage jokes. It is not a long waiting period. Come on. I am a gun owner from SC and I have never had to deal with any long waiting periods before. Why start now? What I am driving at is that some of this probably sucks and I should work through it some more, but I have a website and some ideas that don’t seem right for the stage so here goes.

So I started writing today and realized that in no way is anything put forth here in this rant/rave/delusional incoherent rambling am I going to come up with anything more interesting than Mark McGwire’s admission of steroid use. That should have not even been a story today. It does not have the elements of a top headline that sweeps the papers, websites, and tv news spots of the day. Top stories should have elements of some surprise and relevant nature. Let us look at the facts. Mark McGwire has obviously done a shit ton (second usage of shit ton in this blog) of steroids. This steroid use did not happen in an era that photography was a new technology with magnesium infused flashes and video equipment had a crank on the side to turn the exposure for the video reel. We have pictures of this guy when he was a fully grown man in the late 80’s. He had stopped having to get a new pair of shoes every five months because he was still having growth spurts. He was a skinny, inshape, running, fielding, hitting machine. He would stand next to his friends and teammates and it did not look like something from a Godzilla picture. People would see him in a store and not ask him if he was allergic to something and then still run to get the man Benadryl. He would take pictures with children and the children would not be balanced on the end of his fingers. (second usage of fingertip) He looked normal. Fast forward to the mid nineties. The man’s arms look like Popeyes. They are not just big but the man has incredible beatum muscles. His head, not ego, has inflated to epic proportions. He now is like iron. The bat looks like a baton in his hulk like hands. The veins on his arms remain at the constant level of an infuriated high school basketball coaches forehead vein during a heated game. Now tell me this, with that evidence would it be safe to say that we knew Mark had been juicing up. With the release of Mark McGuire “news” I can only assume that it is safe to say I will be reading on the front page about how President Obama is in fact partially black. Entertainment section…oh…look Jewish people control Hollywood. What do we have in Finance….well slap me and call me your first girlfriends name….nobody has any money. This is just another example of the way society/news has decided what is relevant information that should be discussed and bumped out other news, albeit sports news, for a story that the verdict was decided 5+ years ago.
Hmm. I don’t know how funny any of that is, but it did include surprise and relevance. I think that is enough of a start for the first blog, but then again I don’t read blogs, and I don’t know how long they should be. My word count is now over 1000 and I remember when teachers required a certain word count in elementary school 300 seemed to suck a lot so I think this is a good stopping point. I thought about plagiarizing a blog like I used to do in high school, but once again I don’t know a good supplier, and you can’t just trust and blog dealer these days. I am not going to reread this because blogs bore me so hope I didn’t forget to delete any racial slurs or references to real life people (Mark McGwire doesn’t count because the real Mark McGwire died by smothering in that King Kong suit years ago). Stay tuned for some more stuff and if the lack of profanity, religion denouncement, or awkward sexual stories and scenerios, I promise they will soon be here.