Free-Ass. Press

Flee-Ass. Pless Hacked!

2009-07-10T04:00:00.006-04:00

Posted: After being rerouted through the State Department, Treasury, White House and Pentagon Web sites

ATLARMEL, Georgiana -- Flee-Ass. Pless, the puppet mouthpiece Web site of the imperialist pig American aggressor, was hacked yesterday using a brilliant denial of service attack perpetrated by foreign-based software engineers who used their superior intellect and juche -- the flawless Korean philosophy of self-reliance -- to successfully make a mockery of the Western paper tiger that finds itself flailing limply in its final, putrid days.

The beautiful, highly choreographed attack occurred over the American "Independence Day" holiday weekend when fat Americans eat hot dogs and light each other on fire to celebrate their "freedom."

"We were foolhardy in our attempt to contemplate what would have been a futile and unsuccessful military attack on the beautiful and culturally rich Democratic People's Republic of Korea," President Obama said in a statement e-mailed to the Flee-Ass. Pless on the same night as the hacking.

"Kim Jong-Il is very tall and handsome and didn't have a stroke," he added.

Michael Jackson Funeral Recap

2009-07-08T06:00:00.002-04:00

Posted: From the Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon and Billy Mays memorial ceremony down the street at the slightly smaller Wiltern Theatre. Opening act: Tito.

HOLLYWEIRD -- Fans, friends and family alike gathered for Michael Jackson's funeral yesterday at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Although FAP was not able to obtain tickets to the event, as a service to our readers, we have put together the following recap of the event from what we heard happened from a guy on the bus who was near the Staples Center and from the sh*tty feed on tmz.com while we were supposed to be working.

Seen at the ceremony:

* A star-studded turnout with Michael Jackson's closest friends and A-listers -- like some chubby kid from "Britain's Got Talent," Usher "Here's Your Papers, Baby, Now Get the Hell Out!" Raymond and John "I Make Gross Sex Faces When I Solo" Mayer. Also in attendance was the Rev. Al Sharpton who stopped in to speak before running off to find more TV cameras to stand in front of. He was later caught grinding with a tripod.

* A 10-minute pill retrospective narrated by the boyishly good-looking Dr. Sanjay Gupta

* Multiple shots of the family whispering about why the event wasn't organized by the family and what the f**k was going on, and what are all these Nation of Islam guys doing here?

* L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa constantly refreshing the screen on the city's PayPal account to see if there was enough money to continue with the ceremony.

Overheard at the ceremony:

* Sharpton to Jackson's kids: "There was nothing strange about your father. There was only strange he had to deal with. That strange he had to deal with was that our society just HAS to insist that grown men not ply tweens with wine in a Coke can and VHS copies of 'Fantasia.'"

*Kobe Bryant said that before a big game, he "beats it" to Michael's sister Janet's 2004 Super Bowl halftime show wardrobe malfunction.

*Michael Jackson's "This Is It" concert organizer said that he wants people to celebrate Jackson's life. "People should celebrate it by buying a pre-sale copy of our 100 hours of documentary footage from the 'This Is It' concert now available exclusively at Wal-Mart and iTunes. We have a lot of bills to pay people. A lot of bills. Seems we misplaced that $90 million we made from ticket presales."

* A "closing argument" by Jackson attorney Tom Mesereau, who argued that Jackson is not a pedophile because he is technically not living and/or touching someone.

Source: Powerful Sedative Found in Sarah Palin's Resignation Speech

2009-07-06T06:00:00.005-04:00

Posted: In the unstable aisle, right above the crazy

WE'LLSUEYA, Alaska -- The Free-Ass. Press has learned that investigators reviewing transcripts of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's July 3 resignation speech say it contained a powerful sedative laced with crazy that quickly put her political career into cardiac arrest. It died three minutes later.

A former high-level staffer for the McCain-Palin presidential campaign tells FAP that Palin called her the night before she resigned, frantically begging her to administer help injecting Palin's speech with better language.

"She told me she was staring at a blank Word document. All she had was a headline: 'This Is It.' She begged me to come over and help her write a lucid, calm explanation for her erratic and politically immature decision to resign," the staffer said. "I refused."

Alaska's Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell released a never-before-seen video of Gov. Palin just two days before her career died. In the video, she is shown making logical arguments and doing the business of governing while wearing black slacks, white socks and a sequined glove on her left hand.

In an equally crazy statement, Palin, through her attorney, Thomas Van Flunterschluffenhausenberger, warned the Internet that she will sue it if the stories questioning her "slutty flight attendant" clothing choices continue.

"This is America, and we have freedom from speech here," Palin said. "You can't just go around reporting things that I've said and done and not expect legal consequences."

"Especially when they're true and embarrassing," she added.

Palin's career will be buried in an unmarked grave, soon to be forgotten but honored each year with a spot on "America's Funniest Home Videos" right after the montage of guys getting whacked in the balls.

Al Franken Sworn In; Dems Declare Independence From GOP

2009-07-03T06:00:00.001-04:00

Members of the GOP gather to discuss the most recent episode of "Jon & Kate Plus Eight"

Posted: On Newt Gingrich's lapel

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an overly zealous, self-lefteous display of pompousness, Al Franken was sworn in as the 60th vote in the Democratic Senate caucus. To commemorate the event, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi unveiled an all-new Declaration of Independence from Republicans, who are now officially irrelevant.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident," Pelosi said through her brow-lifted permasmile. "That Democrats have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of filibuster-proof majorities."

"Did I just say 'right to life?'" she asked. "I meant the right to choose a safe, legal and available option for terminating my liberal, San Francisco pregnancy, should I suddenly reverse my menopause and find a male willing to actually do it with me."

Also included in today's announcement was a declaration of independence from "Jon & Kate Plus Eight," South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford's forbidden, tragic love affairs and any more celebrity deaths.

Happy 4th of July everybody!!!

Norm Coleman Announces 'This Is It' Tour

2009-07-01T04:00:00.002-04:00

Posted: On the door of Al Franken's Senate office

BOY RIVER, Minn. -- Former Minnesota Republican Senator Norm Coleman graciously conceded his Senate race to Al Franken today just eight months, two recounts, a lawsuit, three appeals and three losses later. However, his concession was merely a prelude to his big announcement.

He stood in front of a podium with a sign hanging on it that simply read, "KING OF GOP; NORM COLEMAN; THIS IS IT." Coleman plans to fill the hole of shows in London left by the untimely death of Michael Jackson.

"This is it. This is the final curtain call," Coleman said. "Unless the U.S. Supreme Court decides to hear my case, which may take a while because I'm waiting for this Sotomayor thing to work itself out."

The 50-show run will feature an all-star Republican cast with heavyweights like John McCain singing "The Doggone Pinko Won," or South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford singing, "Maria Belen Chapur (Is Not My Lover)," and all-time crowd favorite, "N.Y.T."

Former Rep. Mark Foley and former Sen. Larry Craig will sing the Jackson-Paul McCartney classic duet, "Gay Gay Gay."

After the press conference, Coleman showed his loving support for his party by covering Dick Cheney with a towel and dangling him over a balcony.

Billy Mays Lobbies Obama for Secretary of State

2009-06-29T06:00:00.003-04:00

Editor's Note: Wow, it sure seems trendy to die this week. If that's the case, we've got our fingers crossed for Paris Hilton next week. In any event, the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored was moved by the passing of several extremely talented people.

We were also sad to learn Ed McMahon died.

Among the most shocking of this week's four celebrity deaths was that of Billy Mays. If a person could look like a city, he looked like Pittsburgh -- or a grizzly bear gay porn actor. Either way, Billy was interesting. Here is a story we ran last Nov. 10, just after the election. RIP, Billy.

Posted: Every two minutes, on every channel, for every product imaginable

DUNEDIN, Fla. -- TV pitchman Billy Mays, known just as much for his obviously dyed hair and beard as for his voice that has irritated millions into buying his useless products, has begun lobbying President-Elect Barack Obama for a position in his cabinet -- and for a position for his wireless LED light underneath the cabinet in the White House kitchen.

Mays, a pitch man for everything from home cleaning products to health insurance -- yes, health insurance! -- says he is the perfect man to pitch Obama's agenda to the rest of the world, including Americans here at home.

"Hi, Billy Mays here for Billy Mays, the incredible potential Secretary of State in a new Democratic administration!" he screamed in a YouTube video e-mailed to the Illinois senator's transition team. "Get troops out of Iraq with just a dab of leadership!" Mays shouted. "And if you call now, we'll send extra troops to Afghanistan!"

Obama phoned Mays at 1-800-221-8000 and thanked him for the generous offer of service, but gently reminded him that the era of loud, one-way negotiation, forcing things on people that they don't want, is finally over. Obama then bought 12 LED lights.

MJ Death Headlines You'll Read Here First

2009-06-25T23:26:00.002-04:00

Posted: On the bottom of Bubbles' cage

CREEPY CARNIVAL-LIKE BACKYARD COMPOUND -- As a public service to our readers, the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored -- which has found this story to be so important that it has convened an in-person meeting of its Atlanta and Indianapolis bureaus -- has decided to publish every possible headline that hack journalists/"entertainment" reporters/"Free-Ass. Press wannabes" might come up with to "creatively" announce pop superstar Michael Jackson's death.

We hereby declare the following list of headlines officially off limits. We're looking in your direction, TMZ. Read the time stamp, bitches.

MJ Attends Thriller Zombie Reunion
Islam to MJ: No Thanks
MJ Sidewalk Goes Dark
MJ, Burnt Hair Reunited
MJ Beats It
MJ: The Doggone Guy is Dead
MJ Puts on Heart-Stopping Performance
MJ Cardiac Arrested
MJ Charged With Angel Molestation
MJ Meets the Man in the Mirror
Michael, Bubbles Reunite
Elephant Man Estate Buys MJ Bones
Jackson 4 to Hold Auditions
Jackson Dies; White Glove Lonely
MJ From Hell: Gary, Indiana Still Worse
MJ Buried Holding Crotch
Linguistics Scholars Devastated: ’Mama Say Mama Saw Ma Mafusah’ Never to be Defined
MJ Goes To Never-Neverland Ranch in Sky
Jackson Gotta Be Finishin’ Somethin’
Elephant Man Punches MJ In The Face
"Weird" Al Pretends to Have a Heart Attack
Demerol Is Not My Lover
Tito to Assume 'King of Pop' Duties Until Replacement Can Be Found
Sequin Futures Take Huge Hit In Market
FCC Fines Jackson for Heart Malfunction
MJ Won’t Be There
Bubbles Vindicated
We Are Not the World
MJ Joins Macauley Culkin’s Career
OJ Simpson Cleared of Suspicion in MJ Death; Was Killing Someone Else at the Time
Fuhrman Planted Bloody, Sequined White Glove at MJ Death Scene
Everyone Named Mike Jackson Breathes a Huge Sigh of Relief
Farrah Fawcett: 'What Am I, Chopped Liver?'
Steve Jobs: 'No, I Am'

Steve Jobs Announces Release Of iLiver

2009-06-24T08:57:00.001-04:00

Posted: On Billy Rubin's locker

SILICONE VALLEY -- In a surprise appearance today from his driveway, Steve Jobs announced the release of the brand new 80-gigabyte solid-state iLiver.

"I am the test patient," Jobs said as he rocked out to a 6,000-song playlist mix of '80s music that simultaneously secretes bile. "It requires no headphones, the click-wheel has been replaced by my belly button and to charge it, all you need to do is take heavy, heavy doses of corticosteroids -- or stick your finger in an electrical socket."

Reviews of the new technology have been mixed as many of the technophile reviewers prefer their own liver to one Steve Jobs sells them.

"I don't think he has all the bugs worked out yet," said Mike Chang, an avid Apple early adopter who lives in Seattle. "We all know how the iPancreas went over." Still, Jobs has faith.

"Don't get me wrong: The pain is f**king unbearable, but for 80 gigs of memory? I can store my entire catalog of Rush, Yes and Kiss albums. That's pretty amazing," he said.

"And lame," Chang added.

Underground Miner Charged in Bike-Pump Murder Spree

2009-06-22T06:00:00.001-04:00

Posted: Just below the top soil

ALADDIN'S CASTLE -- In a tragic public works mystery, 16 underground citizens were killed Thursday by a high-powered bicycle pump. The only remains found were two hollow eyes floating in space and exploded flesh strewn amongst a bed of flowers.

Among the 16 dead included 12 brothers Marky, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Mikey, Davey, Timmy, Tommy, Joey, Robby, Johnny, and Brad Pooka of South Boston. Their younger brother Will Pooka escaped death because he was out of town "seeing about a girl," said one witness, a bearded friend who declined to give his name. Also dead were three fire-breathing Fygars who were independent contractors for the department of sewage and waste removal.

Charged in the killings was 27-year-old haz-mat specialist Dignan Duggar, known as "Dig Dug" to his friends and co-workers.

"These charges are wildly inflated," said Q. Bert Zaxxon, Esq., Dug's defense attorney. "If you give me another quarter, we'll have a chance to continue our argument on the top score screen, where we'll make our arguments three letters at a time."

"NOT. GLT," Zaxxon said.

"BRA. FUK," he added.

Despite Bankruptcy, Six Flags Unveils New 'Ride'

2009-06-19T06:00:00.003-04:00

Posted: In the light-up tunnel on The Demon

GURNEE, Ill. -- In yet another sign of the continuing economic downturn, Six Flags has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection and changed its name to simply "Flag."

Teenage boys across the country were horrified to learn that they may not have the opportunity to make out with their girlfriend in a three-hour line to ride the latest incarnation of whatever Batman movie ride is currently being offered.

"Like every other corporate bankruptcy, you won't see any changes at all at the company or at the theme parks," said Six Flags CEO Dancing Old Guy In A Bowtie. "We will still maintain our everyday policy of closing all the cool rides for maintenance, charging $7 for Dippin' Dots and featuring a terrible puppet show in a theater that no one has entered since 1983."

Each year, Six Flags opens a new ride to attract visitors to its parks. CEO Bowtie announced this year's new ride on an investor's conference call.

"It's called 'Hot Dog Cart,'" he explained to the only journalist present, Matt Bissegger, a reporter for "The Central Times," Naperville Central High School's student newspaper. "We have emptied out the scalding, creamy hot dog water and inserted a seat in its place. Once you strap in, the ride operator mumbles indiscernibly into his cupped hand and then pushes you down the ride's 'track,' which in this case is the asphalt path that runs throughout the park."

Upon exiting the ride -- wherever in the park that might happen to be -- riders will have the opportunity to buy a $25 airbrushed T-shirt that reads, "I survived the Hot Dog Cart." Those who don't survive will not have that opportunity.

N. Korea Threatens To Unleash Lakers Fans On S. Korea

2009-06-17T08:09:00.004-04:00

Several members of the elite North Korean corps that will deploy to South Korea next week practice their maneuvers.

Posted: By the security guard at the Del Taco on Santa Monica and Highland

PYONGYANG -- In yet another attempt to threaten South Korea -- because nuclear tests and ballistic missile launches have not worked -- North Korea now promises to inflict billions of dollars of damage on South Korea by sending 15 Los Angeles Lakers fans south of the border to "f**k sh*t up."

"Each Lakers fan will be equipped with a video iPod loaded with footage from the Lakers' 16 championship title games," said Half Jong-il, the younger half brother and real successor to North Korea's "Dear Leader" Kim Jong-Il. "Seeing these videos on repeat will create a constant and horrifying state of destructive euphoria unmatched by any military regiment in history."

Just yesterday, President Obama stated that North Korea posed a "grave threat." After this hawkish, full-of-action-but-not-sh*t statement, Obama returned to the Oval Office where he promptly went online and ordered the tiny North Korean leader a "Peace & Hugs Summer Hugs Bear" from Build-A-Bear Workshop with a card that read, "Miss you, Kimmy. Let's six-party soon. -- B.O."

Although South Korea has not offered any official response, FAP has confirmed that South Korea has amassed approximately 40,000 United Manchester soccer hooligans on its northern border, each equipped with a video iPod and footage of any goal M.U. ever scored.

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL," they added, before punching each other in the face repeatedly and then toasting pints of Carling Black Label.

Gitmo Detainees to Work as Wal-Mart Greeters

2009-06-15T06:00:00.002-04:00

Posted: As part of our George W. Bush Rollback!

ROLLA, Mo. -- In a perfect storm of all the things Americans are afraid of, hundreds of terrorist detainees from Guantanamo Bay are being brought to the United States as part of a new federal warfare-to-work program that will employ them as Wal-Mart greeters.

The new federal job program, dubbed "Gitmo to Greet Mo'," will serve a valuable purpose, according to our Muslim socialist president at a White House press conference announcing the program.

"This program puts people to work doing jobs that no one else will do," Obama said. "Except old ladies."

The "Gitmo to Greet Mo'" program bypasses maximum-security federal penitentiaries located all over the United States and instead pays for jihadists' food and housing and provides them work. The thinking is that terrorists will not want to blow up America if they get to experience first-hand how nice and welcoming Americans are. However, this scenario will create a whole new set of terrorists: old ladies who lost their jobs to terrorists.

"Now it makes sense to take away old ladies' nail clippers at the airport," Obama said. "This was part of a larger strategy that we are just now seeing positive results from.

So far, 27 detainees have been placed as Wal-Mart greeters. Just 26 have committed suicide -- a success, according to the Obama administration. Several of them aired their martyrdom videos over the Wal-Mart Network, the in-house television programming at Wal-Mart stores nationwide.

The remaining terrorist couldn't believe the deals available at Wal-Mart and has begun studying for the midday checker exam.

"From there, who knows? Maybe flight school," he said. "The sky's the limit."

Free-Ass. Extra!

2009-06-12T12:00:00.002-04:00

Don't forget! Today is June 12. Click here to order your Free-Ass. Converter Box so that you can continue reading our stories in high-definition text.

N. Korea Ratchets Up Rhetoric, "Tupacs" South Korea

2009-06-12T06:00:00.001-04:00

Posted: By Bjorn Borg in a Pyongyang Lyong Jyohn Silver's

PYONGYANG -- In a surprise escalation of rhetoric on the Korea peninsula, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il held a close-quarters press conference today where he presented a diplomatic message to South Korea.

"Wassup? You wanna go?" he said, shifting his weight back and forth on his heel lifts as he stood mere inches from the camera lenses. "That's right, trick-ass Southie! You heard me. Whatchoo gonna do?"

"Yongbyon," he added.

North Korea's most recent escalation tactic was launching several missiles into the ocean, a tactic that struck fear in the hearts of many South Koreans and some fish. However, when the missile launches failed to gain the attention of American officials more important than mid-level diplomats, the hermit-sized Dear Leader of the Hermit Kingdom decided to launch a verbal attack.

At the same press conference, Kim Jong-il threw 100 North Korean Won bills at the cameras, brandished a sideways-held .45 magnum and took a swig of Hennessy while wearing a full-length (for him) fur coat and hat.

"Want me to drop a bomb on your ass?" he asked.

"Far East Side, yo," he added.

Sotomayor Breaks Racist Ankle

2009-06-10T06:00:00.002-04:00

The cast of the new sitcom, "I'm The Judge" on CBS.

Posted: On a banana peel at La Guardia Airport

NEW YORK CITY -- In a surprising twist of events and ankles, U.S. Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor was late for a trip to Washington, D.C., when she broke her racist ankle.

"The truth has finally been revealed," said Dr. John Powers, head of the trauma unit at New York's La Guardia Airport and sergeant-at-arms for the New York Minutemen. "The X-rays showed that her broken bones are white and not Puerto Rican as she previously led everyone to believe."

"That's a deal -- and ankle -- breaker," he added.

Powers, after conducting a series of tests with a weird instrument where he repeatedly asked her if it felt "prickly" -- to the point where the word started sounding weird -- said Sotomayor is expected to make a full recovery.

"She will recover fully from her injuries but not from her racism," said Dr. Powers. "Some say she doesn't have a racist bone in her body. I say, 'Did you attend the presitigious Academy of Body Demonry and Medical Witchery like me? No? Then you need to check again. It's called her ankle.'"

Although Powers and Sotomayor disagree on their political beliefs, Powers still found time to sign her cast, writing, "We don't need no stinkin' activist judges! LOL! BFF! Racist. j/k. Dr. P. -- not Pepper, Powers."

U.S. to Switch to Metric Time Next Week (or Next Week If You Do the Conversion)

2009-06-08T06:00:00.000-04:00

Posted: In the inside pocket of your blue Trapper Keeper folder

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Following up on a promise the Carter Administration made 30 years ago, President Obama is vowing to bring the United States into the 21st century by switching to the more scientific metric method of timekeeping already employed in Europe and everywhere else on Earth.

"No longer will our children be confused about why there are the seemingly random 364 and one-quarter days in a year," said Obama in a press conference held at .75/100 o'clock on Day 4.0 of the week. "The year will now be 100 days long."

"Starting right now," he added, looking at his watch, a brand-new Casio built for the conversion.

The new metric time system breaks down like this:

100 seconds in a minute.
100 minutes in an hour.
100 hours in a day.
10 days a week.
100 weeks in a year.

To calculate the conversion, simply take the original number (n) multiply it by 100, divide by 24, then add 100 to it. Garnish with cilantro. Serves eight.

Due to an unexplainable mathematical phenomenon, there will now be 8.4 years in a decade yet President Obama's four-year term won't end until the latter part of 2134, according to MIT mathematician Dr. W. Hunting.

Obama also argued that the move will stimulate the economy, specifically the professional services industry.

"We can now lie to a whole new set of businesses selling our 'U2M' conversion services," said Ron Donaldson, managing partner of Deebag, Schwartz & Cocklyn, a technology consulting firm based everywhere and nowhere.

"Our motto is: a sucker is born every 100 seconds," he added.

Corrections That We Sincerely Regret

2009-06-05T08:33:00.003-04:00

Posted: On page 12A, after the Sotomayor, Air France, Obama in the Middle East, General Motors and North Korea stories but before the Word Jumble and the full-page furniture liquidation ads that no one reads.

In our story, "Illness Study: That Thing Going Around Started With You," we suggested that people, "Stay the f**k home! They're called sick days. Use them. Nobody wants to use the copier after you just blew hot sick all over it. We know you're still gonna show up because you have a 'can-do attitude.' If you can't stay the f**k home, just stay the f**k away from me. And please don't wear that purple fuzzy outfit that you think looks professional but is really just pajamas with stirrups." We failed to mention that you should also wash your hands with warm, soapy water. We apologize for the error.

In our story, "Air Force One Buzzes Lower Manhattan Over Goose's Objections," we reported that Obama called this Mitchell guy and said, "You screw up again, and you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong." This was inaccurate. The United States does not import rubber dog shit from Hong Kong, but rather exports steamy, stinky real dog shit from Hollywood, including the 1986 film "Top Gun," the "Porky's" trilogy and "Turner & Hooch." We regret the producers' errors.

In the story, "Obama To Replace David Souter With Bruce Sutter," we repeatedly wrote the Supreme Court nominee's name using the less-offensive, more politically correct Americanized spelling (Bruce Sutter) rather than the traditional Puerto Rican spelling (Sonia Sotomayor). Both spellings are accurate as both are names of people who were brought in as relievers. We don't regret anything. We just wanted to take advantage of an opportunity to rub it in your face that we were right ... again.

In our headline, "Corrections That We Sincerely Regret" that just ran right now, we mistakenly implied that one should regret making a correction. In fact, one would regret making an error, not a correction. We regret the correction.

In the correction, "In our headline, 'Corrections That We Sincerely Regret' that just ran right now ...," we said that we regret the correction. We would like to now correct the regret. We regret the error of regretting a correction.

Sotomayor Questioned About Facebook Status Updates

2009-06-03T06:00:00.002-04:00

Posted: Less than a second ago

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor was on Capitol Hill yesterday meeting with Senate leaders, answering their questions about her judicial record. One of the most heated meetings was with Sen. Mark Pryor (D-Ark.), the youngest member of the Senate. According to transcripts from the closed-door meeting, Pryor grilled Sotomayor on her record of Facebook status updates and other activities.

Apparently, Sen. Pryor has a friend-of-a-friend who is a Facebook friend of Sotomayor, which allows Pryor to get Sotomayor's status updates and to see her groups and affiliations. Highlights from their meeting include:

"I see you are a fan of soup. What would you do if there was a Supreme Court case involving soup?"
"How often do you zombie hug your friends?"
"You took a quiz last week that said if you were a superhero you would be Green Lantern. Don't you think that's a bit racist? Also, since the upcoming 'Green Lantern' movie will star Seth Rogen, isn't it fair to say you're a pro-marijuana legalization zealot who will stop at nothing to decriminalize those sticky, sticky, sweet-smelling nugs?"
"You are not currently a fan of the group called 'Black People.' Why not?"
"Last week, you ignored a friend request from Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.). What's up with that?"

Sotomayor had no comment after her meeting with Pryor other than to say that she has not Super Poked anyone since her divorce.

North Korea Declares War on East Korea

2009-06-01T06:00:00.003-04:00

Posted: On the light pole on the corner of Western and San Marino in Los Angeles

PYONGYANG -- In yet another provocative act of defiance against the international community, North Korea test-fired a short-range missile today into the ocean off its east coast.

"We have been under attack by the ocean people of East Korea for many Ban Ki-moons," said Half Jong-Il, the younger half brother and successor to Kim Jong-Il, the current leader of North Korea. "We are simply defending our country from daily provocations of waves sent splashing on our sovereign shores."

It is rumored that the ocean people of East Korea strongly protested the launch, however none could be found for comment. Although North Korea might have mistaken "East Korea" for a guy in a boat, U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton promised a swift and decisive response.

"North Korea has chosen to alienate itself from the international community with its highly provocative acts that are even more egregious than my husband's ongoing marital belligerence," she said. "The United States is therefore implementing a permanent Kimchi embargo. We will also continue to keep all options on the table."

"Except Kimchi," she added.

End of Story. Period.

2009-05-29T06:00:00.000-04:00

by Colt (J.R.) Cassidy

The Free-Ass. Press Editorial Bored is proud to present the commentary of Colt (J.R.) Cassidy, a conservative columnist, card-carrying member of the NRA and possibly your high school algebra teacher.

Graduation Address to Naperville Central High School
May 24, 2009

All right, stop applauding. You bombed the final, and I haven't decided if I'm grading on a curve yet, so a little clapping won't do jack for your grade situation.

It's a pleasure to speak here today because it means we've reached the point in the year where I don't have to teach you anymore. However, I wouldn't miss the opportunity to give you one more piece of inspirational, life-affirming advice before you go to college, get strung out smoking drugs, drop out and end up in the g*ddamn ditch like the economy has thanks to President Barack Hussein Obama.

Don't smoke drugs, kids. And don't drop out of college. Actually, go ahead and do those things, because it doesn't matter. You will still end up in the g*ddamn ditch. Look at me. I wanted to be a high school principal. I taught algebra for 27 years, and I'm not even head of the math department yet. Who is? That dick, Stromberg, who is half my age and has some fancy degree from Southwest Missouri State. What's so inspirational about that? I just saved you 27 years of going after your dreams. It won't happen. Trust me. You should be excited about that. Your future is a blank slate. And so is my pension.

That's also why you shouldn't plan for the future. You put your life savings in stocks and real estate, and what happens? The school board invests it in Bernie Madoff and poof: The g*ddamn ditch.

Hey! If I see that beach ball fly one more time, you'll all get Saturday detention. I'll turn the lunchroom into the biggest detention hall you've ever seen if I have to. I'm serious as a heart attack, mister.

And for the parents, sorry the news isn't so good. You know I'm right. At least this was a good excuse to eat some ambrosia salad and see Grandma. Before you know it, she'll be dead, you'll be broke from paying her funeral expenses and your kids' out-of-state binge drinking and pretty soon everyone will be wondering how you wound up in the g*ddamn ditch.

So, congratulations everyone. In case I don't see you in summer school, I told you so.

Senior class dismissed -- figuratively and literally.

California General Assembly Leaks Draft of "Proposition 9"

2009-05-27T06:00:00.001-04:00

The Obama-McCain marriage before Prop 8.

Posted: In a California voting booth in both English and Spanish

SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- In the wake of the California Supreme Court ruling that upheld Proposition 8 banning gay marriage, the Free-Ass. Press has received from an anonymous source with a thick Austrian accent the language of the California General Assembly's response, a resolution called Proposition 9. Below is Prop 9 in its full, unedited form.

Whereas, you live in California and you are a closed-minded f**k;

Whereas, your need to needle in the lives of others borders on the maniacal;

Whereas, gay marriage isn't ruining your marriage, that would be you;

Whereas, your children won't get confused and they already think you are lame;

Whereas, gay people won't stop being gay just like you won't stop eating Lean Cuisine and driving an SUV because you 'have two big dogs that love the dog park;'

Whereas, rainbow flags are not on display because people like rainbows;

Whereas, visiting someone in the hospital or making a will seems OK even if someone is gay;

Whereas, separate but equal is not equal;

Whereas, you love gay people on TV, especially Ellen DeGeneres and that Jack guy from "Will & Grace" and most of the guys on "American Idol," including Adam Lam-bear;

Whereas, you think slavery is wrong, women voting is cool and you voted for the first black president;

Whereas, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Maine, Iowa and Vermont allow gay marriage;

Whereas, you saw the movie, "Milk" with Sean Penn because you still love "Fast Times at Ridgemont High;"

Whereas, I've never understood this whole 'whereas' thing in declarations like this.

Whereas, Larry and Craig deserve to be together.

Therefore, we think it's totally gay that the California Supreme Court upheld Proposition 8.

Indy 500 Drivers Upset: Gas Prices Rose 3 Times During Race

2009-05-22T08:30:00.006-04:00

Editor's note: We're taking a Free-Ass. Four-Day Weekend to recharge our funny. In the meantime, enjoy this story from last year that went viral faster than you can say "swine flu."

Enjoy the holiday!

===

The numbers on the pole at Indianapolis Motor Speedway represent the price per gallon of gasoline at each driver's pit.

Posted: at 219.0873652 mph

INDIANAPOLIS -- The 33 drivers participating in last Sunday's 92nd running of the Indianapolis 500 were distracted by sky-high gas prices, which rose three times during the race, causing several crashes and an exceedingly high number of caution flags.

After Ryan Briscoe clipped Danica Patrick's car in pit row on Lap 171, Patrick exited her car in a fit of rage. Instead of confronting Briscoe, she made an aggressive beeline toward her refueling crew to give them a piece of her mind.

Track sources say that earlier in the race, Patrick's Citgo card had been declined for being over the limit during a routine pit stop. Patrick nearly ran out of gas before her crew was able to cobble together the $584 required to fill her IndyCar's 35-gallon tank for another 28 laps of racing.

"I'm just the fuel guy; I don't set the prices!" said Gianni Cutri, the head of Patrick's three-member refueling team as he ran to hide in an opposing team's garage.

"That's what they all say," Patrick replied. "I don't buy it from the local gas station, and I don't buy it from you." She then shoved him before security intervened and walked her back to her garage, where she began throwing things after seeing her most recent Citgo statement lying on a workbench.

Later, three accidents occurred on pit row when local radio station Q95 held a "We'll Buy Your Gas" promotion between laps 110 and 112. Some drivers were still in line at Lap 158. Local radio hosts "Bob and Tom" were heard giggling the entire time even though nothing funny was happening.

Scott Dixon, winner of this year's race, had a bittersweet ending in Brick Row when he was asked to pay for the milk he drank as part of the traditional celebration.

"That shit ain't free," said Indy Racing League CEO Tony George. "Have you seen the price of milk lately? It's worse than gas!"

Next year, the Indy 500 will be retitled the Indy 290, and most drivers are pledging to drive a Toyota Prius in the race, according to George.

"I don't know what I was thinking driving such a gas-guzzling racecar all of these years," famed driver Helio Castroneves said. "I'm definitely in the market now for something more practical and with more seats, so [Penske Racing teammate Ryan] Briscoe and I can carpool."

What is the world saying about this Free-Ass. Story? Check it out ...

OhMyGov!

TGDaily

Pelosi Waterboards CIA Director for Location of Torture Memos, Sexual Gratification

2009-05-20T06:00:00.002-04:00

Nancy Pelosi's bedroom.

Posted: Next to the bed of nails

LANGLEY, Va. -- Stunning documents leaked to the Free-Ass. Press reveal that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi waterboarded CIA Director Leon Panetta no less than 26 times last week in her quest to get him to tell her the location of the notes on when she was briefed on the use of waterboarding, and because she wanted to be the "crusty bun on a hot, wet Panetta sandwich."

Pelosi has come under fire this week for denying that she was briefed in 2002 on the "enhanced interrogation techniques" used by the Bush administration in the wake of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

Panetta, considered a high-value target in Pelosi's office because of his sensitive position and sweet ass, was waterboarded nearly 30 times last week in an effort to get him to talk dirty, according to memos given to FAP by a Congressional source who has provided valuable and mostly credible information in the past.

"Where did you hear that?" Pelosi asked this reporter. "What's his name? I want it."

"I want it bad," she added.

Pelosi then threatened to waterboard this reporter if he did not reveal the source of the leaked memo that outlined her waterboarding of Panetta, who Pelosi thought had information about previous waterboardings. Waterboarding.

"I was not briefed on waterboarding at any time," she said. "I learned how to do it on my own, late-at-night on the Internet with HD video for $7.99 a minute. The fact that I may have waterboarded others possibly many wonderfully exhilirating consensual times is not something I'm going to apologize for."

GM Unloads Pontiac; Americans Not Sure What To Put On Blocks In Front Yard

2009-05-18T06:00:00.002-04:00

Posted: Next to the light at the end of the economic tunnel

WOODSTOCK, Ga. -- In yet another sign of the continuing economic crisis, GM has stepped up its efforts to avoid Chapter 11 bankruptcy and dropped the Pontiac badge from its line of cars. Thousands of Americans who made a really stupid choice are now at a loss as to what brand of car they should put on blocks in their front yards.

"In 1992, I bought a '79 Trans Am with that gold bird-thang on the hood," said Zeke Hawkins, a proud Pontiac owner. "I couldn't wait to get it up on blocks. That was back when Pontiacs made your double-wide look classy."

However, the economic outlook is not as bad as some economists say, and we should listen to them, because as the last two years has taught us, economists are always right. Always.

The wheel-less, in-need-of-repair Pontiac market is a lagging economic indicator, and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said he expects Pontiacs will continue to be up on blocks in poorly mown front lawns for a good 30 years to come.

"The pipeline for sh*tty cars continues to show strength, especially in the American car market," Bernanke said. "Nothing says economic recovery like a faded red Fiero or a white convertible '88 Sunbird with a dented hood and a duct-taped headlight."

To show his solidarity with Detroit and to extend an olive branch to the white Americans who would never vote for him in a million years, President Obama has promised to put a red 2001 Grand Prix with the driver's door mirror and the right-side ground effects missing up on blocks in the White House Rose Garden.

Despite its impending demise, Pontiac plans to roll out a new marketing campaign this summer with the slogan, "We used to build excitement. We probably should have focused on building quality cars. Sorry about that."

Peter Orszag Is The Love Child Of Bert and Ernie

2009-05-15T06:00:00.003-04:00

Posted: Between the B and E headboards

SESAME STREET -- In a surprising announcement today, Peter Orszag, director of the Office of Management and Budget, admitted that he is the love child of Sesame Street regulars Bert and Ernie. The secret was discovered on a casual friday when Orszag went to a budget meeting wearing a yellow, orange and blue striped v-neck sweater with a white turtleneck.

"I forgot I had that sweater," Orszag said. "I couldn't hide it anymore. Dad-E agreed it was time to tell people. Then Dad-E played his drums every time Dad-B tried to talk. I love my family."

As a result of this announcement, Bert and Ernie have traded their two single beds for a queen-sized bed with "Orszag" written on the headboard. They also signed a book deal with Penguin books and plan to purchase a condo with more than one room.

When asked for comment, Bert and Ernie's longtime neighbor, the Count said, "Two! Two gay puppets! Ah! Ah! Ah!"