Free-Ass. Press

Maine: "I'm Not Gay, I Totally Digs Chicks, So F**k Off!"

2009-11-05T06:00:00.006-05:00

Posted: After one step forward

MAINE, Maine -- In a surprising twist of election events, the state of Maine voted to repeal a law that legalized gay marriage in the state. Maine Governor John Baldacci announced the results yesterday in a press conference held outside a Hooters restaurant in Augusta.

"On behalf of the state of Maine, I declare that we don't think there's anything wrong with being gay," said Baldacci. "But we're not gay, OK? So stop asking. Take that s**t to Vermont."

Balducci then stood on top of a table and gave out a giant "Yee-haw!"

"Now one of these wicked hot waitresses needs to bring me some wicked hot wings," he continued. "I'm going to publicly slap her on the ass to overcompensate for how not gay I am."

Maine voters approved gay marriage in May 2009 only to unapprove it last month, which is totally gay. So what changed?

"I have some gay friends on Facebook and didn't want to offend them," Baldacci said. "But then a friend suggested I join the group "Being Gay Is SOOOOO Gay!" and I just couldn't resist. We're all meeting in person soon at an out-of-the-way motel off the interstate next week to talk about it."

Many of Baldacci's friends immediately unfriended him when they saw his Wall.

"I was playing FarmVille when I came to the realization that the institution of marriage had been destroyed," he said. "That's why I'm starting a new online Facebook game called 'Marriage Wars.' Friend me if you want in."

The state government plans to hold counseling sessions for all heterosexual married couples in the state to repair any damage done during the offending six months.

Is Obama Too Skinny? Experts Blame Media Portrayal of Past Presidents

2009-11-03T06:00:00.002-05:00

The Obama family having a picnic on the White House lawn.

Posted: On the cover of Potus Beat magazine

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama set off a firestorm of tabloid coverage over the weekend as he exited a gym after a long workout looking thinner than ever. Experts have begun to attribute the president's emaciated figure to the constant unattainable, unrealistic and idealized images of the presidential body portrayed in weekly newsmagazines and history books.

Obama's portly Press Secretary Robert Gibbs blamed the president's excessive weight loss on a rigorous schedule. Others have blamed Obama's futile quest to be compared favorably to the svelte 16th president, Abraham Lincoln.

"Look, I love Lincoln; he's my idol, but the pressure to be awesome can weigh you down -- literally," Obama said. "When you look in the mirror and realize that you will never look anything like the man who ended slavery, it's easy to get caught up in the model's diet of cigarettes and Diet Coke."

Although Lincoln never smoked, he did write the Emancipation Proclamation over an RC-100. According to presidential historian Michael Beschloss, the ratio of thin presidents to fat ones is 1:11.

"For every William Howard Taft, there are a bunch of skinny wusses like Woodrow Wilson," he said.

However, Obama is not giving up hope. He recently signed a modeling contract with Dove soap that will feature fat, old presidents and call them beautiful and natural.

Republicans Dress Up As Public Option For Halloween

2009-10-29T06:00:00.019-04:00

Posted: Back when Jason masks were REALLY scary

HALLOWASHINGTEEN, D.C. -- In a surprise public relations push against health care reform, some Senate Republicans have come together to show a unified front by dressing up as the big, bad, scary "public option" for Halloween to demonstrate how big, bad and scary it is.

"I had to go to four different Party City locations before I found anything even close," said Sen. Olympia Snowe (kinda R-Maine). "I thought putting my head through the Constitution, wearing a doctor's coat and maxing out my credit card would do the trick. In the end, it just wasn't scary enough. I'm going to have to consult with (Ohio Rep.) John Boehner on this one. He's great at scaring people."

Not to be outdone, Senate Democrats patronized their Republican colleagues by screaming like little children every time they passed a public option-clad Republican in the hallway.

Other Republican costumes included Rep. Joe Wilson (really R-S.C.), who dressed as a lying Obama-Hitler-Joker-commie-Muslim-vampire; Sen. Arlen Specter, who dressed as a Republican dressed as a Democrat; and Sen. John McCain (M-Ariz.), who dressed as Sen. John McCain.

"That's right. I'm suspending my candy-giving this year, and I'm turning my porch light off. And if any of these little jerks come on to my property asking for candy, I'll stick Cheney on them," McCain said.

"How about them razor-filled apples?" he added.

Free-Ass. In-Depth: 5 Hot Jobs Available Right Now

2009-10-27T06:00:00.006-04:00

Posted: Like a new leaf on the green shoots of the economy.

As a public service to its gentle readers, the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored periodically compiles lists designed to help people navigate this absolute bitch of an economy. Today's list comprises in-demand jobs with companies that are forging ahead and finding success in this difficult economy. They have work for you to do. What is the work, and who will make the cut? Read on to find out.

5. Swine Flu Vaccination Customer Service Representative: This job is forecasted to be in demand at least through mid-2010 after the virus -- and everyone infected with it -- dies out for the season.

4. Residential Interior Design: Though this sector slowed considerably with the real estate bust of 2007 and 2008, there are still clients to be found for imaginative designers who have experience with corrugated materials.

3. Rug manufacturer: The federal government is currently accepting bids for skilled carpet weavers and/or installers. The room to be carpeted is roughly the size of Afghanistan.

2. Broom salesman: Will work closely with the person who lands Job No. 3 above. Job duties include sub-tapestry sweeping demonstrations for military personnel.

1. Obama Conspiracy Theory Creator: Qualified applicants must not be in touch with their latent racism and must respect the maxim that if something is written on the Internet or forwarded through e-mail at least twice, then it must be true. Must learn a glossary of terms and how to reference them without actually knowing their meaning. These include, but are not limited to: socialism, fascism, community organizer, closet Muslim, Manchurian candidate, constitutionally ineligible and Medicare. Knowledge of Photoshop and Hitler-style mustaches a plus.

Mass. Terrorist Arrested For Making "Peanut Butter and Jelly at Culinary School"

2009-10-22T06:00:00.010-04:00

Posted: Nowhere near Harvard for once -- sorry, Henry Louis Gates and mouse lab technician guy

BAHSTON -- A Massachusetts man and his friends have been arrested for allegedly plotting a terrorist attack on mall shoppers, peanut butter and a cooking school.

"We simply cannot allow terrorists to target the heart of America -- rich, creamy peanut butter," said Bahston police chief Rahbaht Chowdah.

The alleged terrorists were overheard in a mall food court talking about "blowing up bombs to kill hundreds of capitalists and then drinking the blood of unbelieving decadent American infidels." After a lengthy, totally above-board, non-torturing interrogation that included cookies, milk and naptime, investigators determined that the overheard phrase was actually terrorist code for destroying all of the peanut butter and jelly in the United States.

The same two men, one of whom was a graduate of a phahmacy school here in Bahston, were also overheard talking about "driving a big huge truck full of explosives from Iran including a nuclear bomb if they can get it ready in time." The interrogators later determined that this phrase was code for enrolling in the pastry program at the Cordon Bleu School of Culinary Arts, which coincidentally is conveniently located next to the mall.

Rahn Coopah, defense attorney for the alleged terrorists, released a statement saying that his client is innocent, which is code for, "He's guilty."

Obama's Health Plan Flies Away In Balloon; Snowe Found Hiding in Office Attic

2009-10-20T06:00:00.001-04:00

Posted: On every freaking channel in the universe; if only health care could get this kind of in-depth coverage!

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a surprising twist of events in the fight for health care reform, President Barack Obama asked his Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel to "send up a balloon" on health care reform among Senate Republicans.

Emanuel took Obama literally and fashioned a balloon out of fabric, duct tape and a 100-pound hunk of lead. Attached to the lead, Emanuel used a rubber band to affix a draft of Obama's plan and let it fly off the White House lawn.

Because no one warned the military of the low UFO flyover, the U.S. Air Force scrambled F-15 fighter jets to chase down the balloon in hopes that health care reform would not get away.

"Butterfingers," Emanuel shouted with a clenched fist raised upward as the balloon took flight.

A few hours later, the balloon landed in the Potomac River. To everyone's surprise, health care reform was no longer on board. Instead, the reform bill was found in the Hart Senate Office Building attic where Maine Sen. Olympia Snowe was huddled in a corner, doodling hearts all over it and writing the phrase, "I (heart) reform."

NASA To Bomb The F**k Out Of Iran to See If Soil Contains Water

2009-10-15T06:00:00.004-04:00

Iranian area hypothesized to have water.

Posted: in T-minus 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. -- In a surprise announcement today, NASA's chief administrator and George W. Bush lookalike Sean O'Keefe revealed that the space agency plans to fly missile-like probes and crash them into Iran to determine if its rugged terrain contains water.

"This is an unprecedented study -- if you don't count our bombing the moon last week," O'Keefe said. "We know that there are three immense bodies of water in areas surrounding Iran, but the evidence is inconclusive whether there is actually water in Iran -- heavy or otherwise -- within their mountains and beneath hundreds and hundreds of feet of hardened, steel-reinforced concrete tunnels."

The United States plans to send these multiple long-range strategic interballistic probes tipped with "scienceheads," likely by next week.

In a press conference this morning, U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, "This strategic partnership between our missile-like probes and Iran's soil -- which, coincidentally, happens to reside in the exact same places where the Revolutionary Guards process nuclear fuel -- will provide one giant leap forward for finding out just how much water the Islamic Republic has over a quick three-day blitz of research."

George W. Bush Wins Nobel War Prize

2009-10-13T06:00:00.030-04:00

Iraqi civilians become overwhelmed with emotion upon hearing that former Pres. Bush
beat out Saddam Hussein for this year's Nobel War Prize.

Posted: Pre-emptively

STOCKHOLM, Sweden -- Last Friday, the Nobel Prize Committee announced the latest winners of the coveted Nobel Peace Prize. President Barack Obama's much-deserved win -- after a monumental 10 eight-hour days of hard, hard work before his nomination was submitted -- took all the media attention. In the news coverage maelstrom that followed, several other significant Nobel awards were overlooked.

The Free-Ass. Editorial Bored would like to take time to acknowledge these other winners who were overshadowed by Obama's lifetime of groundbreaking work that led to his week-and-a-half of Nobel Peace Prize-deserving work in the White House. Examples of that White House work, according to Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, include learning where the White House break room is, finding out who to talk to when he needs a fresh hand towel, and figuring out which book to pull to get the Map Room bookshelf to flip around to reveal his futuristic high-tech War Room.

Former President George W. Bush was awarded the Nobel War Prize for his "unwavering efforts at starting wars, continuing wars, belaboring wars, sending in thousands more troops years after America wanted to stop the wars and conceiving of the unprecedented war concepts like 'war within a war' and 'bigger fake war next to the real neglected war' and Ph.D.-level war profiteering."

Bush, who was awoken at 9:30 p.m. with the news at his Crawford, Texas, ranch, said in a statement edited by someone who speaks Bush: "I have tried my best to live up to this award, and I am ever-so-slightly humbled to have received it. Actually, I haven't gotten it yet. Is this another one of Turd Blossom's pranks?" he asked his Secret Service detail, referring to former aide and awful, awful human being Karl Rove.

Also on the list of Nobel recipients was "Late Show" funnyman David Letterman, who was awarded the Nobel Piece Prize for his "outstanding body of work scoring some hot employee tail while making jokes on TV and getting obscenely rich in the process."

Upon receiving the news, Letterman read a Top Ten list of the excuses he gave to his wife for sleeping around.

"Number three: I've changed my oil five times this week because I thought the Jiffy Lube sticker said every 3,000 feet," he said as he flipped the card behind him into the set's fake cityscape as the audience nervously offered a smattering of courtesy laughter.

"Hee heeeeeeeee," Letterman added.

Pentagon Intern Pissed; Must "Find/Replace" Iraq with Afghanistan

2009-10-09T06:00:00.004-04:00

Posted: Under file: properties: word count:

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a monumental bureaucratic shift, the Pentagon is putting in place all of its systems and documents to fight a new war: the war in Afghanistan. No Pentagon employee is more pissed than Defense Department administrative assistant Dave Olay.

"There are at least 867,000 documents that require me to find/replace 'Iraq' with 'Afghanistan,'" Olay said. "And that's just on the M: drive."

"Christ," he added.

Olay, a new temp from Kelly Services, was recruited to work at the Pentagon after he achieved a near-perfect score on the Microsoft Word skills test. The only question he got wrong was in accepting a deletion from the Bill of Rights using Word's "Track Changes" feature.

"Do you have any idea how many Pentagon employees have no f**king clue how to spell Iraq?," Olay said as he angrily wrote in his journal and ate a cup of Instant Noodles in the Pentagon break room. "I have to cross-check using 'Irak,' 'Iraque,' 'I Rack,' 'Barack' and 'Eye Rock' -- someone even used 'Iraq-tastic' once. What the f**k is that all about?"

When asked about the "new war" in Afghanistan that is now entering its ninth year, President Obama said that the United States is now pursuing a different strategy.

"We want to target the greatest number of correct spellings and try the 'find/replace all' function. We're hoping for 30,000, but we'll take 15."

Letterman Apologizes to Wife On Air, Reviews Grocery List

2009-10-07T06:00:00.003-04:00

Posted: From the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska

BED SULLIVAN THEATER, N.Y. -- After publicly apologizing to his wife for his string of affairs with staffers, "Late Show" host David Letterman has begun using his broadcast to communicate other information with his wife, who has been ignoring him at home.

"Harry's school lets out early on Friday; I know I said I would pick him up, but something came up -- no, not that," Letterman said, smirking to the camera as Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra punctuated his joke with a rim shot and bass-guitar growl. "Bear with me, folks. This is the only one-on-one time I get with my wife where she isn't hurling canned hams at me. So, Regina, if you can pick him up, I'll go ahead and take care of the shopping this weekend."

"Uh, you guys got any of them mashed potato flakes?" he added in that deep, dumb-guy voice.

Meanwhile, Letterman's former assistant and object of his on-the-side affection, Stephanie Birkitt, is reportedly dating the very chubby and slightly greasy sportscaster Greg Gumbel.

After dating Letterman and then "48 Hours Mystery" producer Robert Halderman, Birkitt has decided to embark on her next conquest.

"Well, I've already torn through the network's news division and late night -- CBS Sports was the next logical choice."

"After that, I'm coming after you, Harry Smith," she said.

Biden Will Try to Out-Folksy Palin at Debate

2009-10-05T06:00:00.000-04:00

Above: Joe Biden's debate prep consultants.

Dear Readers: As the Free-Ass Press editorial bored is sidelined with swine flu, it's always fun to look back at what happened a year ago. Enjoy this reprint from last year.

Posted: Up yonder in McIntar Holler

WILMINGTON, Del. -- In a nonsexist attempt to soundly defeat Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin at this Thursday's debate, Democratic VP pick Joe Biden has a new strategy: Rather than express his thorough understanding of public policy as a multidecade member of the U.S. Senate and chair of the prestigious Senate Foreign Relations Committee, Biden intends to out-folksy Palin.

Palin, who is known for her hockey-mom wisdom and a completely incoherent grasp of foreign and domestic policy punctuated by fancy words she heard on C-Span, has energized Republican voters who also have a completely incoherent grasp of foreign and domestic policy punctuated by fancy words they heard from Sarah Palin. According to Biden, that momentum is about to shift his way.

"If moderator Gwen Ifill asks me how I would deal with Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin," Biden said, "my answer will be 'Kill the sum'bitch, I reckon.'"

Regarding the economic crisis, Biden intends to comment much like Palin trying to comment much like C-Span, "Weeeeelll sheeeeeeeeit! Ain't nobody ever axed my opinion on that. Palin takes a liken to job creation. I take a liken to job intelligent design. "

In lieu of a business suit, Biden intends to wear overalls with no shirt and to hang a 24-inch piece of straw out of his mouth.

"Yup. You betcha," he added.

IOC Selects 2016 Olympic Site

2009-10-01T21:00:00.002-04:00

Posted: One second ago. Silver medal.

COPENHAGEN, Denmark -- The International Olympic Committee has reached its decision in selecting the site for the 2016 Olympics. After extensive lobbying by heads of state, including Michelle Obama's husband, the IOC has voted to make the site of the 2016 Olympics: www.olympics2016.com.

"We thought about doing something a little more traditional like olympics.com," said IOC president Jacques Roggggggggggggge. "But this one is special. We wanted to spice up the site for 2016. We may even include some Flash graphics on the home page, maybe even a YouTube."

Most tech geeks around the world were thrilled to hear the news, but a few techies were deeply saddened. Jessica Kipling, founder and CEO of www.2016olympics.com, released a statement that said in part, "We did everything we could by going to godaddy.com and buying every conceivable URL revolving around the 2016 Olympics. I guess this one was just a little too obvious. We totally missed the boat on that one. It makes more sense to put numbers first, in my opinion, but whatever."

Although it is not known yet which geographic location will host the Olympics, chances are most people reading this will already have spit coffee all over their flat-screen monitors in a blind rage that render their monitors completely useless to find out who actually won. It's either Tokyo (Japan), River of Janeiro (Brazil), Madrid (Spain) or Chicago (Chicago). You're welcome.

Man Happy, Knows It; Refuses to Clap Hands

2009-09-30T06:00:00.003-04:00

Posted: On our face, which surely shows it

CHICAGO -- In a surprising display of civil disobedience, Randy Stine, a North Side bartender, had a great day until the Chicago Police Department arrested him while he was walking down the street when he was headed home after a long night serving douchebags Red Bull and vodka at Hi-Tops.

"My client was arrested for being aware of his elation and not expressing it through hand-on-hand sonorisms," said Travis Bertz, Stine's attorney, at an afternoon press conference. "How could these police officers ignore the fact that he was on the 'stamp your feet' part of the song -- or the fact that this is America? More like Barack Hussein Obama's America."

Chicago, hometown of the 44th president, has an unusual city ordinance that stipulates that any citizen who has above-average feelings and self-awareness must clap their hands loudly. Citizens who do not clap their hands are subject to fines, jail time and/or community service being a seat-filler at an awards banquet.

"We are currently working on a plea bargain to reduce the charge to melancholy with a suspended sentence for time clapped," Bertz added.

U.S. Intelligence Believes NBC Has the F-Bomb

2009-09-28T06:00:00.006-04:00

Posted: In Ahmadinejad's bathroom

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates announced in a rushed press conference this morning that NBC not only has the capability but has actually developed a fully functional F-bomb and test-fired it on a very, very small portion of the American public on last night's season premiere of "Saturday Night Live's" 35th season.

"This is the greatest threat yet to America," said comedy and nuclear proliferation expert Rod Torkelson of the Columbus, Ohio, based improv comedy group The IntelliGents. "When HBO got the F-bomb, they caused untold destruction to network TV and its shitty, shitty shows. NBC likely feels threatened and believes the only way to deter cable networks who have more hit shows with less rules is to develop a defensive F-bomb deterrence strategy."

After the unusual joint press conference last Thursday with President Obama, French President Nicolas Sarkozy and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown denouncing Iran's secret nuclear facility, the trio learned of NBC's capabilities. They have since released a joint statement with one word: "Nevermind."

NBC has been test-firing components of the F-bomb for months now airing promos touting SNL's new season with super-hot and super-crazy "actress" Megan Fox as host. The promos used a shorter-range "Frig" or the medium-range "Frickin'."

"That's what tipped us off that they were close to having a fully functional F-bomb," Gates said. "Luckily, the season premiere sucked and no one was watching. We got lucky -- this time."

Corrections for the Weak of Sept. 24th

2009-09-25T06:00:00.005-04:00

How to use a leather-trimmed bedpan.

Posted: You lie!

In our story, "Nation Marks 5th Anniversary of 3rd Anniversary of Sept. 15," we recounted the events of Sept. 15, including quotes from events that were held. However, we published the story on Sept. 14. This was not an error. We're psychic mother f**kers. We apologize that some of our readers do not share the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored's sixth sense, and we pray for your salvation.

In our story, "Obama to Announce 'Health Care For Clunkers,'" we quoted President Obama as saying, "You have the right to heated, leather-trimmed bedpans with an intermittent wiper." This was a grievous error. Many readers wrote to us expressing their sincere need for a constant, not intermittent, wiper on heavy load days that come after eating multiple chili dogs at the ballpark. We regret if our story was seen as an endorsement of bedpans with intermittent wipers. It is the view of this editorial bored that bedpans with constant wiping capability are needed to fix health care in this country, regardless of their cost. And there should, of course, be a public bathroom option.

In our story, "Study: 78% of People Who Write "LOL" Are Not Laughing," we said that a new study revealed that the acronym "GFY" stood for "Go f**k yourself." In reality, it stands for, "Good for you," said in the same tone and manner as Christian Bale in his famous rant on the set of "Terminator: Salvation," where he showed the world what an a**hole looks like in human form. We absolutely apologize. We're sorry, we did not mean anything by it. We're nice guys but that don't f**king cut it when we're f**king around like this on a story.

In the story, "Former Pres. Clinton Secures Release of Two Smokin' Hot Reporters," we incorrectly wrote the dateline as "Poontang, North Korea." The actual dateline was "Poontang, Democratic People's Republic of Korea." "North Korea" is an American imperialist pig aggressor name that does not accurately reflect the vibrant, self-reliant spirit inherent in the Korean people who live north of the 38th parallel. From now on, we will refer to them as "Koreans, but not the South ones." FAP regrets the errors.

Al Qaeda Seeking Video Editor, Best Boy

2009-09-23T06:00:00.005-04:00

George Clooney, attached to star in "Dark Tunnel Returns II"

Posted: On the canary pages. Please disregard the salmon changes from yesterday.

TORA BORA, CAVE -- In a surprising video release, Al Qaeda has marked the anniversary of 9/22 with a new 106-minute video message called, "The West ... and the Dark Tunnel."

The straight-to-video release follows the continuing story of 300 million people in the United States and their journey toward a large non-descript hole. Assistant Director, lead actor and Line Producer Ayman Al-Zawahiri also included DVD extras like a director's commentary, hilarious out-takes, and two job announcements.

"Well, the film was a bit long and the story was hard to follow with so many million main characters," said al-Zawahiri in his commentary. "My lighting was kinda flat too. And don't even get me started on our location scout. That guy is out of here on our next James Cameron-length effort."

Al-Qaeda is seeking a video editor and best boy to help with their blockbuster sequel, "The West ... and the Dark Tunnel Returns II." Prior experience a plus. No satellite phone calls please.

When asked why the film was not released on 9/11 as originally intended, al-Zawahiri commented, "Our development execs wanted one more punch-up and a happier ending. Assholes. It was perfect the way it was. F**king perfect, praise Allah."

"That's the last time I do a film without final cut," he added.

Study: 78% Of People Who Write "LOL" Are Not Laughing

2009-09-21T06:00:00.001-04:00

Posted: In 1997

IUPUIUPUIUUPPI -- According to a new study released today by the Center for Popular Hypocrisy (CPH) at Indiana University, Illinormal campus, people are not as honest as they may seem online.

"We found a correlation that most people who write 'LOL' are not in fact laughing at all," said CPH director Ryan McChristophers. "This is only preliminary data, though, and we will continue our research if I am not currently lying. Just kidding. LOL!"

The study also examined "ROFL," "LMFAO" and "PSML" and found that a whopping 99 percent of people who write these phrases are neither rolling on the floor, laughing an ass off or pissing themselves.

"LOL was the only phrase that we found has some occasional truth to it," commented McChristophers. "We recommend that people begin using phrases like 'IDC' and 'GFY' in online discussions to convey the truth of how they are feeling.

IDC is an acronym for "I don't care" and GFY stands for "Go f**k yourself." LOL!

Bombshell: Hank Williams Jr. Admits He's "Not Quite Ready For Some Football"

2009-09-18T06:00:00.003-04:00

Posted: It was Monday night but now it's Sunday night.

NASHVILLE, Tenn. -- In a stunning blow to NBC and the new NFL season, Hank Williams Jr. held a somber press conference today in his hometown of Nashville, Tennessee.

"I am simply not ready for some football," said a misty-eyed Jr., who wiped snot from his glistening, dyed beard. "I tried to get pumped up. I played 'Madden' for like two weeks, but I am truly more interested in 'Jon & Kate Plus Eight' right now. If any NFL teams had someone as ferocious as Kate Gosselin on the offensive line or a coach as douchey as Jon Gosselin, I just might be ready for some football. That is not likely to happen, unfortunately."

Williams' band has been prepared for weeks to record this year's NFL theme song. However, the recording session has been indefinitely postponed with the band citing a lack of inspiration.

"After 15 years, I just couldn't continue living the lie," he announced. "So as of today, I have turned over all of my lame NFL theme song responsibilities to Faith Hill. She has repeatedly proven her ability to sing about things she doesn't believe in. And you've all seen her sing that NBC 'Sunday Night Football' song that is an incredibly lame twist on a great Joan Jett song. She's truly got what it takes."

Kanye Interrupts Swayze Funeral; Lauds Sidney Poitier

2009-09-16T06:00:00.004-04:00

Posted: On the little MTV flag on Taylor Swift's Moon Man

NEW YORK CITY -- Americans across this great nation are mourning the loss of actor and dancer Patrick Swayze who died this week at the age of 59. He was 62.

Funeral services were held at the Forest Lawn Cemetery in Hollywood where thousands of mourners and fans came out to hear Swayze's closest friends and relatives eulogize him and think they were clever by putting their own twist on the "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" quote. Just when Jennifer Gray stepped up to give her speech to the crowd, a stupidly drunk Kanye West, who always manages to embarrass himself in front of large crowds, took the microphone from her.

"Yo, Jennifer. I'm really sad for you. I'ma let you finish, but Sidney Poitier had one of the best movies of all time. It was called 'Guess Who's Coming To Dinner.'"

Although Swayze's publicist said that the actor had no comment and would never have a comment on this or any other Hollywood gossip, FAP sources from beyond say that it is likely Swayze will send Vincent Schiavelli's ghost to punch West in the face.

"I might stop by Rep. Joe Wilson's office while I'm at it," Schiavelli added.

Nation Marks 5th Anniversary of 3rd Anniversary of Sept. 15

2009-09-14T06:00:00.006-04:00

Posted: On Sept. 15 Eve

WALLA WALLA, Wash. -- It is a date etched into America's collective psyche; a date that spurs an intense, visceral reaction in every red-blooded, flag-waving American: Sept. 15.

No further explanation is necessary for those who were alive on that day, a mere three years prior to this fifth anniversary of that anniversary. President Obama today gave a speech commemorating this joyous yet bittersweet date. It was shown everywhere except in schools, where teaching about government is forbidden.

"Look. Things are bad now," Obama said to a packed stadium of Americans young and old. "But as we look back and remember three years before five years ago, it gives me hope that tomorrow will be a new day: September 16th, if you will."

Even Republicans such as Rep. Joe Wilson (R-S.C.), said this isn't about being partisan.

"I look back with great fondness to the days before I undertook a suicide mission to destroy my political career," he said. "The days before September 15th."

The Free-Ass. Editorial Bored would like to extend our sincere and heartfelt thoughts and prayers to those for whom Sept. 15 is forever memorable down to its most minute detail. We stand with you united as we celebrate and mourn with unambiguous resolve and determination that Sept. 15 will be remembered as Sept. 15 every day now and forever.

As a show of support and remembrance, Congress has declared Sept. 15 "September 15th day; September 15th, 2009."

"9/15," former President Bush added.

9-11 Special Feature: Bush Disappointed in Lack of Shopping to Fight Terrorists

2009-09-11T06:00:00.007-04:00

The Free-Ass. Editorial Bored is taking another weekend off to recover from laboring so much on Labor Day. Enjoy this vintage, pre-owned reprint from last year.

Posted: By time machine to American voters in early November 2000

NEW YORK CITY -- Responding to the scathing report from the bipartisan Partnership for a Secure America saying that America is still unprepared for terrorist threats, President Bush marked this seventh anniversary of the 9/11 attacks by reminding the American people that they could be doing a lot more in the fight against extremist Islamic and non-Islamic terrorism.

"I thought I told you to go shopping," he said in a ceremony at ground zero, site of the former World Trade Center that was destroyed in the attacks.

"Battles such as this take courage, resolve, Visa, Mastercard and Discover," he continued. "In these dangerous times, that means bypassing a cheap pair of sneakers at Target and buying the $110 Puma Ferrari Levitation GT red suede shoes with the non-marking rubber sole. I don't know if anyone has Diner's Club any more, but give that one a try too."

Senators John McCain and Barack Obama were also in attendance. In a show of unity, the two politicians walked down the street to Macy's and bought purple lipstick together.

"This day reminds us that there isn't red lipstick or blue lipstick," said Obama. "There's only American lipstick, and we picked an eggplant color that will go well with any pantsuit that an Alaskan female moose-shooting scandal-ridden lying radical individual might choose to wear." McCain also voiced his support.

"My friends, any American would be proud to take this lipstick to war -- I mean, wear. I said 'wear,'" he stammered. "If you're a woman and you're not so easy on the eyes, this is something you can wear that will put your country first. That's not sexist, that's just straight talk."

Although Democrats and Republicans alike feigned outrage at each others' comments, lipstick sales at Macy's have increased 14 percent, and many pit bulls and pigs have been seen wearing the eggplant purple color.

"I told you it would work," said Bush as he concluded the ceremony. "Now watch me lay this wreath."

Obama To Announce "Health Care For Clunkers"

2009-09-09T06:00:00.005-04:00

Posted: Not in my kid's classroom, by gum it! Only a Yale-failing, "My Pet Goat"-reading president can speak to my kids about the importance of getting an education.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Free-Ass. Press, working its White House sources like a $2 whore, has managed to obtain an advance copy of President Obama's address on health care to a joint session of Congress tonight.

After a brutal 40-day congressional recess featuring angry people screaming ridiculous things through bad microphones at town hall meetings, congressmen comparing the Obama-is-Hitler crowd to a dining room table and a man carrying a comically large assault rifle outside an event the president was attending, Obama vowed to retake the debate and go back on the offensive.

His first salvo: "Health Care for Clunkers," a new compromise bill that takes the best elements of the wildly successful albeit horribly mismanaged "Cash for Clunkers" program and applies it to the health care reform effort.

According to the text of tonight's speech, Obama has inserted pauses to accommodate an estimated 87 standing ovations following his delivery of lines that pander to the liberal left and three standing ovations prompted by lines that pander specifically to Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-Maine), the one Republican who might actually vote for health care reform.

Obama will also invoke the name of recently deceased Sen. Ted Kennedy six times in order to get reluctant Republicans to stand at least once so they don't seem like heartless, elitist, do-nothing pricks standing in the way of getting anything done.

Other select quotes fom the prepared text include:

"Look, we're not going to unplug Grandma. We're just going to trade her in."

"You have the right to heated, leather-trimmed bedpans with an intermittent wiper."

"Every heart monitor, from the poorest inner-city hospital to the Mayo Clinic, should have a rich, polished mahogany finish and a free three-month trial of the "Best of Sirius | XM" package.

"We dedicate this reform effort to Ted Kennedy, who for 41 years drunkenly slept through joint sessions of Congress just like this one. Right, Sen. Grassley? Hey, CHUCK! Wake up! You been drinking that subsidized corn ethanol again? No wonder you sound like such an idiot when you talk."

"It's true. I am the anti-Christ, but that shouldn't prevent us from passing meaningful health care reform this year, before the end of days, which will begin sometime during Q2 of fiscal 2010. Then these massive deficits I'm creating and the 47 million still-uninsured Americans will be the least of our worries."

"They say charity isn't in the Constitution. Well, you know what? Neither are cars, but we got that done!"

Palin Endorses Death Panels For Pro-Choice Fetuses, Liberals

2009-09-07T06:00:00.002-04:00

Dear Gentle Readers,

The Free-Ass. Editorial Bored is taking a Long-Ass. Weekend, so we'll be running two of our favorite stories from recent weeks today and Monday. Enjoy the holiday, and we'll see you next week! This story originally ran on Aug. 14. Peace out.

Posted: Higher and deeper

WASILLY, Alaska -- In yet another confirmation of Sarah Palin's special brand of crazy, she held a press conference yesterday to comment further about what she has dubbed "President Obama's Death Panel."

"In the interest of bipartisanship, I fully support President Obama's marauding death squad, but let me clarify: I am only in support of them making end-of-life decisions about fetuses that are pro-choice and/or liberals." Palin spoke against a backdrop of Esikmos clubbing baby seals for sport.

"Those fetuses that are pro-life should get tax breaks and health care from the time they are blastocyst-people forward," she said.

Palin did not clarify that the language in the bill related to what she called "The Psycho Serial-Killing Legion of Doom" are actually voluntary counseling sessions endorsed by the American Medical Association as well as aromatherapy, a fully funded senior citizens' day at the Color Me Mine pottery studio and an end-of-lifetime supply of Werther's Original Old-Fashioned caramel candies.

"They will slit your throat with broken dishes and then dump you in a mass grave next to your unborn oocyte who just wanted to keep the coverage it had," Palin said. "Under our plan -- wait, we don't have a plan. Nevermind."

Free-Ass. Police Blotter

2009-09-04T06:00:00.004-04:00

Dear Gentle Readers,

The Free-Ass. Editorial Bored is taking a Free-Ass. Long Weekend, so we'll be running two of our favorite stories from recent weeks today and Monday. Enjoy the holiday, and we'll see you next week! This story originally ran on July 22. Peace out.

ATLARMEL, Georgiana -- As a service to our readers, the Free-Ass. Press will now begin publishing select reports of recent police calls that will help feed your paranoia that "those people" are out to get you. What did we mean by "those people"? What did YOU mean by asking what we meant? Uh, racist much?

Racist Harvard Professor Arrested By Racist Officers In Racist Door-Repairing Incident
Location: Racist, Mmaassaacchhuusseettss
Summary: Henry Louis Gates Jr., Harvard professor and director of the W.E.B. DuBois Institute for African and American Research, was found attempting to fix the jammed front door at his own home. Officers on the scene immediately arrested Gates per City of Cambridge ordinance 10-27-3661, which states, "Any person whose skin is darker than your Dunkin' Donuts Iced Mocha Dunkachino shall be immediately incarcerated on suspicion of being wicked suspicious, especially if said person is attempting to gain entry into a home he clearly cannot afford on a janitor's salary." Cambridge police, upon discovering that Gates was a wealthy, nationally known figure, dropped all charges and released the following statement: "Our bad, yo."

Man Trespasses on Moon
Location: Sea of Tranquility
Summary: Forty years on, the identity of the three men in white suits, big boots and mirrored face shades who were discovered trespassing on interplanetary soil remains a mystery. These criminals, who filmed themselves hopping around, kicking up dust and illegally parking their vehicle in a "No parking between the beginning of time and 3 a.m. zone" are still at large. Based on the description of the white suit and ridiculously large shades, the top suspect remains Kanye West.

Anti-Liver Activist Assaulted By Transplant
Location: Crazytownenshire-upon-Stratfordsex, UK
Summary: The National Health Service, an organ of the UK government, successfully prevented a trespasser from entering the body of a 22-year-old East London man, but the man died in the ensuing struggle. The last time a liver entered the man's body, he assaulted it for 12 years with heavy alcohol ingestion, killing it. This time, the liver won. The best-of-three fight resulted in sudden death. A tiebreaker will not be scheduled.

Schwarzeneggar Arrested For Insurance Fraud; Ahson

2009-09-02T06:00:00.001-04:00

Posted: It's a hot time in the old town tonight.

SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- In a surprise twist of events while trying to identify the source of the California wildfire, LAPD officers arrested Gov. Arnold Schwarzeneggar today, charging him with insurance fraud and arson.

"We apprehended Mr. Schwarzenegger trying to light a palm tree on fire outside Trader Vic's in Beverly Hills," said L.A. police chief Bill Bratton. "He is suspected of trying to collect insurance money to pay off California's debt -- God bless him for trying." Trying to disguise his voice, Schwarzenegger tried to phone in a claim to State Farm's 1-800 customer service number.

"My house is ahn fayah," he said to the operator, who asked him for his address and name.

"My address is Caleefoneyah," he said. "And my name is Arnie Schwartzecolored" -- which immediately tipped off the operator, who tipped off his supervisor, who alerted authorities.

"I did not commit ahson," the Republican governor said as he was handcuffed and shoved into an undercover Ferrari F599 Beverly Hills police cruiser. Schwarzenegger was released on $12 bond, which the state then used to pay the judge for his time to sign the release order. The presiding judge, Ryan J. Lawrenceberg, remarked as he signed the order, "How far can a buff bankrupt governor go in a hydrogen-powered Hummer without being spotted? This is a low flight risk."

"May I have my $12 back in quarters?" he added. "My room at the Y doesn't have laundry facilities."