Free-Ass. Press

Toyota Recalls Indianapolis Colts; Cites Faulty Hand Controls on Baskett Model

2010-02-09T06:00:00.001-05:00

Posted: As a fan of the team that is apparently pro-hurricane

SOUTH FLORIDA -- In yet another troublesome recall for the world's No. 1 automaker, Toyota announced today it plans to recall the entire Indianapolis Colts football team for a series of faulty mechanisms that normally work perfectly but fall apart unexpectedly and without any good explanation.

"We want to be clear that we are not recalling the entire team," said Toyota USA spokesperson Donna Nicaragua. "We are only recalling the special teams, who have faulty hand controls, especially when driving short distances, notably 10 yards or less."

"F**king f**k," she added.

As a temporary fix, Toyota will send an entirely new set of kick returners to Colts head coach Jim Caldwell in hopes of rectifying the problem. They have also requested that the team only continue to play Super Bowls with caution until the new teams have been properly installed.

"That shouldn't be a problem," Caldwell said very, very calmly. "We'll also try to play a team where the narrative doesn't make us the people who want to steal five years of rebuilding a broken town's spirit.

"We thought we had that trumped with the Garcon Haiti card we played, but it just didn't work out," Caldwell said. "The people of Haiti don't like us now either, because they are all wearing T-shirts that say, 'Indianapolis Colts Super Bowl XLIV Champions.' We literally can't win."

CBS Shelves Plans to Air Super Bowl XLIV

2010-02-04T06:29:00.004-05:00

Posted: On the bulletin board at Charlie Sheen's wife's not-rehab rehab in North Carolina

SOUTH FLORIDA (THE PLACE REGULAR PEOPLE CALL "MIAMI") -- In a surprise announcement today, the CBS television network revealed its plan to switch up their Super Bowl Sunday programming to appeal to an older, hipless (oops, that should read "less hip" -- Ed.), more geriatrically inclined demographic.

"The bottom line is that we've already seen 43 Super Bowls and need something fresh," said CBS President and CEO Les Moonves. "However, CBS does not plan to abandon its sports demographic and remains dedicated to providing quality sports programming. That's why we'll be airing a 'Two and a Half Men' marathon -- 26.2 minutes of laughs!"

Moonves said the move came as a result of some interesting data produced by CBS's research department.

"Our market research suggests that our audience wants more Preparation H and Flomax ads and fewer Bud Light and Godaddy.com ads featuring monkeys and boobs," he said.

"We'll keep The Who performance, though," he added.

Other sports programs CBS plans to showcase include "The Amazing Race Race" and a "CSI:Miami" episode that shows the Super Bowl stadium in a background shot behind David Caruso's literally and figuratively enormous orange be-sunglass-spectacled head and a 30-minute episode of "60 Minutes."

This Day In Free-Ass. History

2010-02-02T06:00:00.000-05:00

The Free-Ass. Editorial Bored is on it's way to cover the Super Bowl. Please enjoy this previously-owned, certified story from our sordid past. Sorry if the gas pedal sticks.

MICHAEL PHELPS SMOKES SUPER BOWL

Posted: During the munchies.

TAMPA BAY -- In another display of Olympic-sized stupidity, Michael Phelps was discovered smoking pot -- again. Only this time, he smoked the Super Bowl.

Phelps was found sucking moist, fragrant, pot-filled smoke through a tube connected to an outside wall of the Raymond James Stadium in Tampa Bay Sunday night.

When asked for comment, Phelps said, "I haven't been this high since I smoked the warm down pool in Beijing. Woa."

Apple Unveils "iPad;" The World's First Electronic Panty Liner

2010-01-27T17:24:00.004-05:00

Posted: By the bright people at MENSES ...

SAN FRANCISCO -- In a stunning new announcement, Apple Inc. CEO Steve Jobs has unveiled the latest device that is expected to revolutionize the personal electronics and hygiene markets.

"Women all over the world have been writing to us for years requesting one," said Jobs who wore his Wednesday jeans and black turtleneck that accentuated both his thinness and that of the device. "I have yet to find a woman who uses a panty liner and doesn't wish she could also check her e-mail on it."

In addition to e-mail, photos, video, music, odor protection, chat features and a whopping 126-gigabyte flash drive, "the iPad actually uses its ample RAM to store fluids and can accommodate a woman on even her heaviest-flow days of the month." Jobs proceeded to pour an entire gallon of blue windshield washer fluid on the device which soaked it up immediately, then sprouted wings and flew into the sunset.

"Apple.com also offers free applications that can analyze the fluid, tell you how many days are left in your period, whether or not you are pregnant and if you should be drinking more water," Jobs said. "We also offer a no-frills version called the iPause for our friends who no longer see the need for an iPad and only use a computer for checking their e-mail and the weather."

Although the iPad weighs in at a panty-busting 1.5 lbs., Apple will also offer protective accessories such as their iUndies sleeve made of a thin Kevlar and lace.

Headphones sold separately. Asiago cheese bread not available in all areas.

State of the Union Pre-Ass. View

2010-01-26T06:00:00.012-05:00

Text from one of George W. Bush's final speeches before leaving office last year

Posted: On a teleprompter which the fine folks at Fox News never, ever use because they're really smart

WASHINGTON -- Tomorrow night marks President Obama's second State of the Union address since his term began on Jan. 20, 2009. The Free-Ass. Press has obtained a working draft of the script that will be loaded on to a teleprompter to give Glenn Beck groupies and historical revisionists more fodder for making the case that Obama (magna cum laude, Harvard Law '91) is somehow an idiot for not having memorized a 6,000-word nationally televised speech. So what is he hiding? President Bush didn't need a teleprompter because he ~~couldn't read~~ was "authentic."

Excerpts follow.
===

My fellow ~~Muslims~~ Americans: I stand before you tonight amid one raging war and one that is winding down; in an economy that is ~~ever so slowly~~ recovering ~~so let's go ahead and just forget about that cliff's edge we were all standing at just one short year ago and just say that it's not recovering because Americans have short memories~~; stubbornly high unemployment ~~that would be even higher and more stubborn without the absolutely necessary stimulus, you idiots,~~ and a dead health care bill that would have passed if those stupid, do-nothing, foot- and knuckle-dragging motherf**kers in Congress who squandered probably the only supermajority in the U.S. Senate we'll see in our collective lifetimes had gotten off their asses and taken a risk for once in their lives. Despite all of this, I am proud to stand here tonight ~~speaking in code to my terrorist buddies like Bill Ayers in Chicago~~ to be able to tell you that the State of the Union is strong ~~because I'm awesome~~.

[PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE AND/OR FOR A GOP CONGRESSMAN TO YELL, "YOU LIE!"]

The ~~pointless~~ Iraq War is in its final stages. The brave Marines handed their mission over to the Army last week as they left the dry, sandy ~~orgy of oil that is the~~ desert of Iraq for the dry, sandy mountainous desert of Afghanistan to go fight the bad guys who are also the good guys depending on what week it is; how much money the CIA is handing out and to whom; and the mood of the various warlords in any of the thousands of warring factions in that Allah-forsaken country that no one in a thousand years will ever be able to figure out the people who planned the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

~~My best friend~~ Osama bin Laden still remains at large. There are ~~radical former classmates and associates of mine who are~~ bad people who still want to do great harm to this country ~~that I hate and am not a citizen of~~. As long as I'm ~~able to convince you idiot "birthers" that I have the constitutional authority to be~~ president, you have my word that I won't ~~not~~ allow another terrorist attack to happen.

We must come together ~~riiiiiiight now ... over me~~ and lift this nation from the depths of this ~~awesome~~ crisis ~~that I intentionally brought upon us to single-handedly destroy this country that I hate from the inside out~~. We must put those 30 million Americans who are unemployed back to work at their jobs ~~that now reside in China, thanks to George W. Bush's laissez faire approach to trade policy (but go ahead and blame me for this problem I inherited just 12 months ago, you jackasses)~~ and restart the ~~more reliable Japanese~~ engine of our prosperity; if we confront without fear ~~or a ridiculously oversized assault rifle at a town hall meeting~~ the challenges of our time and summon that enduring spirit of an America that does not quit coming up with ridiculous and hollow arguments for why I'm an awful communist slash Nazi slash socialist slash Joker slash Hitler while not giving me the time or space that is actually needed to enact the agenda I was elected by a majority to put in place, then someday years from now our children can tell their children ~~who have been horribly disfigured by an end-of-days nuclear holocaust brought about by my being the Anti-Christ~~ that this was the time when we performed, in the words that are carved into this very chamber, "something worthy to be remembered." Thank you, God Bless you, ~~guy in the third row who just sneezed~~, and may God Bless the United States of America.

Obama: First Year in Review

2010-01-21T06:00:00.006-05:00

Posted: In the same vault where the State of Hawaii is hiding Obama's "long-form" birth certificate, whatever the hell that is

WASHINGTON -- This week marks the one-year anniversary of President Obama's inauguration. As a public service to its readers, the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored has compiled a list of his administration's top 10 accomplishments from its first year in office.

1. Changed political affiliations several times in response to stinging criticism of his spending priorities that included a $787 billion stimulus package and a $1 trillion health care reform bill. In one year's time, he became a socialist, a fascist, a Nazi and then the Joker. His opponents have even started calling him far worse: a Democrat.

2. Bought a dog and played with it.

3. Invented the wildly popular drinking game known as "A Whole Host of ..."

4. As is tradition for every first-year president, he stopped dying his hair to bring about a gravitas-conveying salt-and-pepper look.

5. Proved conclusively that he's a Muslim Manchurian candidate by intentionally botching his swearing in so that it didn't really count.

6. Closed down Guantanamo Bay. Oops, that is from our future column, "Obama: Fourth Year in Review." We regret the error.

7. Repealing George W. Bush's "don't ask/don't tell" policy regarding progress reports from the generals in Iraq.

8. Vowing to enroll the U.S. treasury in a credit counseling program to pay off its debt and get back on the track to financial freedom.

9. Drank beer with a cop, a professor and a vice president at a Washington, D.C.-area Houlihan's to finally end racism once and for all; realized the only person who "acted stupidly" in the situation was Vice President Biden, who took a leak in the Rose Garden after "climbing to the top of the beer summit."

10. Nominated Roseanne Barr to the Supreme Court.

Top Republican: Mass. Senate Race Is Referendum on Tiger Woods

2010-01-19T06:00:00.002-05:00

Posted: On a fire hydrant and then a tree.

BAHSTON -- All eyes are on the Bay State where the hotly contested race for the late Edward Kennedy's Massachusetts U.S. Senate seat between baby-killing Democratic Attorney General Martha Coakley and Republican family values candidate and former nude male model Scott Brown is reaching a fever pitch. As voters make their way to the polls, the Senate's top Republican today announced that today's race puts more than just a Senate seat at stake: It's a referendum on Tiger Woods.

"The Republican party stands for family values and always has," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.). "A vote for Martha Coakley is a vote endorsing Tiger Woods's dishonest and disgraceful behavior."

"Curling iron rape," he added. Brown has also pleaded with voters to make their voice heard in the special election.

"This is not some cynical attempt to gain votes at the last minute," he said. "It's important that people use their voice to speak out and publicly rebuke Tiger Woods. And if they're not comfortable making that statement with their vote, I would tell them this: This race is also a referendum on the accomplishments of our gay, Muslim, crack-smoking non-U.S. citizen president."

"He kills babies too... and puppies," he added.

Next for NBC: Reality Show Creators Compete to Create New Reality Shows in Hopes of Winning Their Own Reality Show

2010-01-14T06:00:00.003-05:00

Posted: Just before I got voted off

HOLLYWEIRD -- In a bold and unique display of creative programming, NBC has announced that the time slot formerly occupied by wildly funny, totally original and groundbreaking "The Jay Leno Show" will now be home to the ultimate reality show.

"It's called 'Who Wants to Be an Extreme American Loser Housewi-vivor-idol Eye for the Reality Producer Guy BFF Plus Eight Matchmaker Academy of New York City 911," said Hayden Patrick, head of NBC's reality TV department. "This is the mother of all reality shows."

The show's cast will feature a host of whiny 20-something reality-show producers who will compete against each other in creating and pitching reality TV show concepts in hopes of winning a $1 million reality TV show contract that will be canceled seven months after it debuts.

Conan O'Brien has agreed to host the show. Originally, O'Brien had expressed disgust at the idea of continuing to work with NBC in any capacity. After lengthy negotiations, however, O'Brien said NBC executives reassured him that it would be to his benefit to stick with NBC in hopes of someday earning his own reality show called, "I'm A Tonight Show Host, Get Me Out Of Here!"

"Eeee-yeah yeah, uh, that thoundth pretty good," O'Brien said in a mock Jay Leno voice as he adjusted his tie and shook his head.

"Back in the year Two-Thou-ZUND!" he added.

NBC Offers Conan Nightly News; Brian Williams to Host MTV's "The Hills After Show"

2010-01-12T06:00:00.001-05:00

Posted: Sometime between 11:35 p.m. and 1:05 a.m. or earlier ... or later

30 COCK -- In a last-ditch, half-hearted attempt to keep ginger funnyman Conan O'Brien at the peacock network, NBC executives have made overtures to O'Brien's representatives that they are willing to consider him for the anchor spot on "NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams" or as host of "What's Going On?" -- the 4:45 a.m. local interview show on WGEM, NBC's Quincy, Ill., affiliate that fulfills the station's public affairs requirement with the FCC.

A source at the network speaking on condition of anonymity, ironically, because the media isn't authorized to talk to the media, said that though the newscast's name will remain "NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams," O'Brien will be able to pick out his own tie and even come up with his own sign-off phrase.

Sign-off phrases purportedly under consideration for O'Brien are:

"I'm Conan O'Brien. Stay tuned at 11:30 tonight if you like getting ass-raped by an enormous chin."
"I'm Brian Williams. Conan is dead."
"It's late night in England."
"This is still less embarassing than that whole Chevy Chase talk show nightmare back in '93."
"I'm Conan O'Brien and why can't the Olympics last all year?"
"Sorry I was so edgy and funny and innovative all those years. I don't know what I was thinking. Now stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon, whose job is, amazingly, safe."

Now the odd man out at NBC, Williams said he is exploring all options, including hosting MTV's "The Hills Aftershow" as well as ringside announcing on WWE's "Monday Night RAW" wrestling program.

"F**k! Can I say that on the nightly news?" O'Brien added.

N. Korea Refuses To Celebrate New Year; Expels Calendar Inspectors

2010-01-07T06:00:00.004-05:00

Posted: Last year, I think

PYONGYANG -- In yet another blatant display of its defiance toward the international community, North Korea has declared that it will continue to live in 2009, despite overwhelming evidence that countries across the globe had already deployed a new year.

"2009 has a January that has only been used once," said Half Jong-il, the younger brother and successor to North Korea's "Dear Leader" Kim Jong-Il. "There is no need for a new one at this time, and we will not be bullied into accepting one."

To further complicate matters, the North Korean government expelled all international calendar inspectors from the IJCA (International Julian Calendar Association) at the stroke of midnight on Dec. 31 by dropping them from a rooftop onto a pitch-black Pyongyang Square wearing nothing but sequined black top hats and light-up glasses with the numbers "2010" on them.

In response, the Obama administration released an ambiguous statement denouncing North Korea's use of January 2009 a second time as "out of step with developed nations and Yahoo! Calendar."

The United Nations' newly appointed 2010 New Year's ambassador, Ryan Seacrest, was slated to be sent to the Hermit Kingdom as a special envoy in the coming weeks, however, Expedia and Travelocity do not allow customers to book tickets for a past date. Given the country's plentiful supply of plutonium, however, officials were able to work out a deal with rogue scientist Dr. Emmett Brown and bring Seacrest back to January 2009 as many times as necessary to get talks moving and/or rescue his career.

Experts: It's Cold Out Today, So Global Warming Is Obviously a Hoax

2010-01-05T06:00:00.004-05:00

Al Gore Responds to James Inhofe.

Posted: Just after Y2K but before the Earth melted

DEAD HORSE, Alaska -- Climatologists and other scientists the world over proclaimed today that the long-standing global warming debate has been definitively settled, thanks to a week of really cold temperatures and snowstorms across much of the country.

The scientifically rigorous study was released not by e-mail -- because e-mails can leak and reveal more hoaxes. It was sponsored by the Bob Jones University School of Mixing Politics with Science and was conducted over the past seven days by recording data from local newscasts and their very sophisticated StormTeam X-Vision weather satellites, which can predict temperatures at least seven days into the future (10 days on Channel 7). Data collectors started noticing a trend when your eight-day back-to-school forecast predicted temperatures dipping below the freezing mark for several days in a row, a real oddity for the month of January.

Scientists cited this week's plunging temperatures across much of the United States, including other unusual January occurrences, such as 18-degree weather in Atlanta, Vermont's record-setting snowstorm, Iowa's 30-degrees-below-normal temperatures and Beijing's coldest winter in 40 years, as proof that global warming is a bunch of stupid bullshit.

Sen. James Inhofe (R-Okla.), a longtime vocal anti-global-warming critic, reacted with glee to the news.

"See?" he said.

"In the world of statistics, trends are defined as one or two isolated data points from which you can extrapolate out in any direction to prove whatever opinion you happen to currently hold," said Brad Higginbotham, executive director at Dot Plot Enterprises, a statistical analysis firm based in Bell Curve, Minn. "It's a handy tool, especially if you're in politics and on the wrong side of an argument that has clear scientific veracity."

"F**k Al Gore," Inhofe added.

Free-Ass. Decade In Review

2010-01-01T00:00:00.003-05:00

Posted: One second ago

CHRISTMAS ISLAND (Ironically) -- As a service to our readers, the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored has decided to forgo reviewing the decade of events from 2000-2009. That would take way too long to review. Been there, done that. It took 10 years last time. We don't have that kind of time and neither do you. Instead, we have decided to provide a much more valuable service to our readers and preview the decade from 2010-2019. Since the decade is only one second old, we thought this would be a more achievable task.

Midnight, Jan. 1, 2010: World War III Erupted!

At the stroke of midnight, countries around the world test-fired and exploded thousands of rockets in the air. Some people referred to them as "fireworks." The Free-Ass. Press is a bit more cautious and does not believe these missiles were celebratory. We will refer to them as "flying death machines." The next 10 years will determine who was right. We can already say, however, that the Chinese celebratory flying death machines were by far the prettiest, what with their sparkly pinwheels, occasionally upright smiley faces and multi-colored blooming mushroom-cloud effects.

Feb. 1, 2012: Sci-Fi Geeks Rejoice!
Nerdy Rush fans will come as close as they ever will to being alive in a year that sort of looks like 2112 -- but isn't. They will celebrate with (21) 12-sided die, a Middle Ages battle re-enactment and/or not getting laid.

Jan. 1, 2010: Many People Went to Sleep Early
By the millions, inhabitants of many countries wussed out and went to sleep before midnight. Although this happened last decade, the behavior of these slovenly people continued into the new decade. Most of them will likely wake up, but at the time of printing, they were still asleep. Wusses.

2019: Tiger Woods' Wife Forgives Him, But Not His Money
To continue paying his extravagant divorce costs, Woods gets an idea to host the "Marriage Open." Although a totally inappropriate golf tournament, Woods found the idea funny and chuckled before he returned to crying into his dirty martini. He then regretted that he didn't think of starting the "Open Marriage" tournament back in 2004 instead. Much less expensive. It is also important to note that at midnight every year in this decade, Woods will kiss his lawyer as he continues to kiss his money goodbye.

2010 Y2KX: PCs Crash Again

In the continuing saga of horrible problems with PCs, most all of the PCs in the world crashed at the stroke of midnight because of a Y2KX bug that was not fixed during the Y2K scare 10 years ago. PCs have been crashing every year at midnight and just about every day in between. The only PCs that did not crash were owned by the nerdy Rush fans who have fixed their computer bugs through 2112.

God Follows Through on Promise to Kill Oral Roberts

2009-12-17T06:00:00.006-05:00

Posted: Under the clever guise of "natural causes" -- no one ever questions it

Tulsa, HELL -- Christian elevangelist Oral Roberts, who caused controversy in the mid-1980s by announcing that God would "call him home" unless he raised $8 million to fund missionaries from the medical center he founded, has died at the age of 91.

"I guess we just didn't raise enough money," his son, Richard, said in a statement. "Those missionaries must have taken a vow of wealth, because they bled us dry. Even though the center ended up closing after we bought the missionaries solid gold robes, we tried to please God -- we even raised $1.1 million more than he asked for -- but we just couldn't keep up with the vig."

"Those apostles are the muscle of the outfit and they don't f**k around," he added.

The Free-Ass. Press tracked down God at his winter cabin in Big Sky. When asked why he would wait nearly 25 years to make good on his promise to kill the pastor, he simply said, "Behold! I work in mysterious ways."

Roberts' greatest accomplishment was founding Oral Roberts University, although many questioned why he wouldn't go for a more traditional college name, like JCU.

"I asked myself, 'What would Jesus do?'" he said at the time. "And the answer came to me: He would probably name it after himself, which is what I ended up doing. If you think about it, it's a very Christian thing to do."

"Also, when you have 'Oral' in your school's name, it tends to attract a greater percentage of incoming freshmen that might have otherwise chosen a different school," he added.

According to a press release from the Oral Roberts Evangelical Association (OREA): " ... [Roberts] was the only man of his generation to build a worldwide ministry, an accredited university and a medical school."

"That is correct. He's got me beat on the medical school part," said Bob Jones, another guy who started a university.

Roberts was preceded in death by his wife, Evelyn; a daughter and son-in-law, Rebecca Ann and Marshall Nash; a son, Ronald David Roberts; a grandchild, Richard Oral Roberts; his mother and father; two sisters, Velma Roberts and Jewel Faust; and two brothers, Elmer and Vaden Roberts.

In lieu of flowers, Roberts' two remaining family members request that donations be made to the Oral Roberts Ministry Healing Missions Fund in the hopes that God will stop his killing spree on the Roberts family.

22 Million White House E-Mails Found; Bush Remembers Password

2009-12-15T06:00:00.004-05:00

Posted: Click here to reset your password

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a surprise announcement today, IT staffers at the White House found 22 million e-mails from the Bush administration requested in a Freedom of Information Act lawsuit.

"My bad," said Dick Startover, assistant associate IT manager for e-mailogical executive branch computing. "I renamed it Halo 3 ODST. Total accident. It's all back now."

Although the e-mails have been found, the contents of the 22 million messages will not be officially released to the public before 2014 at the earliest because every e-mail must be reviewed for national security interests.

Luckily, the Free-Ass. Press editorial bored has close contacts with Orbital Drop Shock Troopers in the city of New Mombasa and was able to analyze the contents of all 22 million e-mails. Here is a summary of their contents:

- 175,376 fart jokes sent from Bush to Cheney.

- 2,437,883 "Is it Friday yet?" messages from Bush to Condoleezza Rice.

- 847 questionnaires for White House staff to fill out and send to 10 other people or else they'll have bad luck -- the people who didn't forward were all Iraq war planners.

- 6,722,167 discount Viagra ads.

- 4,621,332 notices from the Prince of Cameroon looking for a bank account to deposit $24 million. Most all of the messages received replies.

- 5,250,907 messages from Bush to first lady Laura Bush of YouTube links with cats falling off couches.

- One message from Bush to Ben Bernanke in late 2007 that said, "Ben, WTF? We're all good, right? This economy's doin' a heckuva job."

GOP Calls "As The World Turns" Cancellation Another Climate Hoax

2009-12-10T06:00:00.003-05:00

Posted: I stopped counting after 13,661

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Procter & Gamble Co. and CBS announced today that their soap opera, "As The World Turns," which has been on the air for more than 50 years, will be canceled next year.

"It is regretful that after more than 13,600 episodes, we have finally reached a point where we have run out of ideas and would have to repeat a storyline, and that's not what we're about -- we're a soap opera," said Brian Cahill, senior vice president of P&G's crappy diaper and television divisions. "We want to thank all those dowdy, insecure women who watched our commercials for so many years. Without them, we would have found other people to advertise to. I mean, we're P&G. C'mon."

Congressional Republicans in Washington not only took the cancellation personally; some went so far as to called it another example of the left-wing plot to push the climate change agenda.

"The last time I checked, the world has not stopped turning -- not in my district, at least -- and it is irresponsible to make my constituents think that the end of days will come next spring," said Rep. John Boehner (R-Crazytown, Ohio). "Come to think of it, that might actually spur some of these jackasses to get off the couch and do something productive with their time."

"That's off the record," he added.

Republicans argue that climate change is a hoax because when God created the world through intelligent design 6,000 years ago, God would never have designed man to be able to destroy the planet and/or the stock market in the name of personal gain.

"That's just not intelligent," said Sen. Joe Liberman (I-Conn.), who believes he has just slightly less power than God because of his ability to tease both sides of the aisle with his potential swing vote on health care reform.

"In fact, to spite the P&G folks and their liberal agenda, I plan to filibuster any climate change that God can muster wearing Pampers Extra Protection diapers so I won't have to leave to use the bathroom and can filibuster forever," he said.

Richard Gere Declares Zhu Zhu Pets Safe, Pleasing

2009-12-08T06:00:00.003-05:00

Posted: After mistakenly viewing "Nights in Rodanthe," thinking it was rodent porn

ASS -- In a hastily arranged press conference held today in Tarzana, Calif., Hollywood sorta-superstar Richard Gere spoke out in support of toy safety for children, singling out Zhu Zhu Pets, the wildly popular toy rodents.

"If used properly, I declare these pets safe and extremely pleasing," Gere said. "Good ass hygiene is always important, but even more so when inserting a Zhu Zhu in your poo poo. You don't want to have to explain that one to the ER resident at 3 a.m. Just trust me on this one."

GoodGuide.com, a San Francisco consumer group, recently announced that it tested Zhu Zhu pets and found the cancer-causing chemical called antimony on the toys. The study was led by Sven K. Turwidener, professor emeritus at the Center for Applied Sphincter Science at the University of Assachusetts - Cramherst.

"We were able to reach these conclusions based on sound scientific methods using the latest in spectral rectometer technology at our state-of-the-art research facility and rave," Turwidener said.

Zhu Zhu Pets are currently available at Toys R Us, Adam & Eve and other fine ass-pounding retailers.

"My favorite is Mr. Squiggles," Gere added. "The name says it all."

GM Recalls Cadillac Escalades for Sudden Unexplained Rear Window Breakage

2009-12-03T06:00:00.003-05:00

Woods after purchasing the United States government.

Posted: at 2:26 a.m.

DETROIT -- In a last-minute surprise press conference today, General Motors interim CEO, Edward Whitacre Jr., announced that 5 million Cadillac Escalades are now part of a nationwide safety recall.

"It has come to our attention that there is a production issue with our popular Cadillac Escalade model that may create a potentially dangerous situation for drivers who play golf, pathologically cheat on their wives and go driving in the middle of the night while on painkillers following an extremely awkward Thanksgiving," remarked Whitacre.

The 5 million black Escalades, located primarily in a 10-square-mile radius around soccer fields and night clubs, have been found to have back windows that "at extremely low speeds may shatter unexpectedly when hit with a 7 iron causing a totally sober and completely unimpaired driver to careen into a next-door neighbor's yard, then a tree, then a fire hydrant."

When asked if the recall had anything to do with the fact that GM has had a years-long relationship with golfer Tiger Woods, Whitacre denied having a relationship with Woods.

"At no time has GM had any sort of inappropriate relationship with Tiger Woods," he said. "Nor have we ever texted with him. He is an acquaintance whom we may have met several times at various golf functions where many members of the public were present. We are troubled, however, by the fact that Mr. Woods has made it known over the years that he is exclusive to Buick but was caught driving a Cadillac in the middle of the night. Buick feels quite hurt, frankly. It leads them to wonder what other GM nameplates he's been driving."

Woods has actually been under strict contract with an extremely attractive Saab since 2004. It wasn't until yesterday that Woods finally admitted to driving many different sleek models loaded with fantastic features.

Obama Afghanistan Speech Leaked

2009-12-01T06:00:00.002-05:00

Posted: Two wars ago

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As President Obama prepares for what will arguably be the most important speech of his young presidency, the world watches with bated breath. In yet another scoop over its fake news competitors, the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored has obtained an advance copy of the text, which we have printed here, unedited, in its entirety:

Good evening. I know many of you have been waiting to hear from my administration on what needs to be done to bring the extended disagreement in Afghanistan to a conclusion. Tonight, you are going to hear me speak forcefully and with conviction, outlining exactly what I plan to do to bring this to an end. When I complete this speech, you'll know exactly where my administration stands.

Terrorists attacked this country on Sept. 11, 2001, killing themselves along with 3,000 of your fellow citizens -- I mean our fellow citizens. I'm an American. I was born in Hawaii to parents. If it were not for parents, none of us would be here today.

[PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE]

On Oct. 7, 2001, we took the fight to Afghanistan. Today, almost nine years later, that is where we are fighting a war today. There is also a war in Iraq. Afghanistan is not Iraq. It's completely different. In spelling and geography. Iraq has a 'q.' Afghanistan does not. Iraq could never be Afghanistan -- because Afghanistan already occupies the land called Afghanistan. Iraq is in Iraq. These distinctions are important.

[PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE]

Make no mistake. The United States Armed Forces stand near the people of Afghanistan. That is not just because we are standing in Iraq. We stand sort of near them so they understand we are talking to them but not too close so that they think we are creepy. We will travel through villages and towns asking if anyone has seen Osama bin Laden and when those people answer no, our brave men and women in uniform will say thank you and move on. That's what we do. That's why I have ordered an additional 30,000 thank-you sayers to the region. This will let the world know that we are serious about finishing wars that we start, forget about, kinda pay attention to during election season and then drop completely when the economy goes in the toilet.

[PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE]

You might be wondering what the way forward will be. What is our exit strategy? When will our troops leave? Who is the enemy? Is this a war worth fighting? These are all questions.

Thank you and God bless the United States of America.

End of Story. Period.

2009-11-26T06:00:00.013-05:00

The Free-Ass. Press Editorial Bored is proud to present the commentary of Colt (J.R.) Cassidy, a conservative columnist, card-carrying member of the NRA and possibly your high school algebra teacher.

What are you thankful for and/or lookin' at?

By Colt (J.R.) Cassidy

Let's get one thing clear: It's Thanksgiving. During this season of goodness and plenty (ha!), I'm only thankful for two things. First, watching you and your lazy good-for-nothing friends leave my classroom when the bell rings. Second, I'm thankful that Lou Dobbs is considering running for president.

As you know, I've been rather critical of our government and their love of driving this country into the g*ddamn ditch. Well, I'm actually thankful for the g*ddamn ditch too. For once in my life, the rest of the country knows what it's like to live like an algebra teacher who hasn't had a pay raise since the Nixon administration. Remember the Nixon administration when the g*ddamn ditch was somebody breaking into a hotel? Good times. Now we have a crack-smoking, baby-killing, non-American African-American (kinda) president who wants to tax us back to the Magna Carta so Joe the Plumber can see a chiropractor for his sciatica with a fifty cent co-pay. Why do you people -- meaning commies, pinkos, gays, school newspaper editors, gay school newspaper editors and pretty much anyone else not from my hometown -- always gotta have high-quality, affordable and efficient health care? Relax. You got your civil rights. Buy yourself something nice before the government seizes it in a raid.

Back to my story. So, to all those people struggling in underpaying jobs that they don't like, I want to pass along some words of wisdom that my father passed along to me: Tough shit.

We all live in the g*ddamn ditch now. Be thankful you haven't been in the ditch for the last 27 years like me. That's where Lou Dobbs comes in. He's finally gonna get rid of our no-birth-certificate-having president who wants to bow down to Osama bin Laden when he invites him to the White House to negotiate directly. Lou's also going to finally get rid of all of those hard-working, dependable illegals hanging outside Home Depot who help guys like me turn a profit because we pay them next to nothing in under-the-table cash and then don't pay taxes on it to boot. Take your pick. That's Lou Dobbs. Mr. Independent. The man with too much truth for CNN -- and The Home Depot.

So, I guess I'm thankful for lots of things, like my freedom to not be thankful for things like this God-forsaken class full of imbeciles. You numbskulls should be especially thankful that I'm your teacher. You're lazy, whiny, spoiled brats, and you inexplicably get rewarded for it by getting admitted to accredited four-year universities. I'll never understand that.

Anyway, you gotta hear it from somebody. It might as well be me. You're welcome. Class dismissed.

Obama Deploys Military to Ft. Hood

2009-11-24T06:00:00.004-05:00

Posted: On the back of an anti-aircraft tricycle with special thanks to FAP embedded correspondent Mike Hunter.

FORT HOOD, Texas -- In a surprise appearance during a press conference today, President Obama announced that he has deployed U.S. military forces to the Fort Hood Army base in Texas.

"Given the tragic tragedy at Fort Hood and after speaking with my advisors, I have decided to deploy military forces to Fort Hood to protect the military from violent aggression -- the bad kind," Obama stated.

Fort Hood is the largest Army base in the United States. As such, many of the forces deployed there will actually come directly from Fort Hood.

"I wanted the best and most experienced military possible to protect us from ourselves. Who better than the Fort Hood soldiers know Fort Hood and the military and how to protect it?" Obama said.

When asked who the military plans to target in protecting itself, Obama said, "They will target anyone in a military uniform carrying a gun, specifically Army."

"Genius, boss. Pure genius," said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.

Obama Flubs; Calls Chinese Premier "Ching Chong Ding Dong"

2009-11-19T06:00:00.003-05:00

Posted: In the empty Bird's Nest

BEIJING -- In a major diplomatic faux pas, President Barack Obama mistakenly called Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao by another name.

"He simply mispronounced his name," Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said during a news conference. "He knew it was pronounced either 'Jiabao' or 'Ching Chong Ding Dong.' He picked the wrong one. It could have happened to anyone."

Obama is wrapping up a eight-day diplomatic trip to Asia in hopes of keeping U.S.-Asian economic ties and bilateral cooperation strong. However, in an uncharacteristically tone-deaf attempt to ease the tension with his hosts while discussing human rights abuses, Obama told a joke: "How do Chinese people name their children? They throw silverware down the stairs and listen." After hearing crickets -- there was a nearby street food vendor getting ready to make a fresh batch -- Obama went for it.

He followed up with, "What did five Chinese men say when they came out of a janitor's closet? SUPPLIES!"

Obama's jokes were met with sustained silence and an occasional cough. The only people laughing were Obama, Secretary of State Hilary Clinton and a low-level Chinese official who was shot on sight.

Although embarrassing, Obama's mistake won him many fans in the United States, especially among so-called "Birthers" who questioned whether Obama was born in America.

"Only a real, homegrown American would have the marbles to say something like that," said Birther Emma Jean Pickins of North Carolina. "Sh*t, I think I said it myself just the other day!"

Free-Ass. Preview: The Sarah Palin Memoir

2009-11-17T06:00:00.005-05:00

Posted: Next to Levi Johnston's penis pancake makeup

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, Booktourlandistan -- As a public service to its readers, the editors at Free-Ass. Press have compiled a few of the more interesting items in former Alaska governor and 2008 Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin's new 413-page memoir, "Going Rogue: An American Life," which will hit bookstore shelves today -- and bookstore discount bins Friday.

The book reveals details of tension on the campaign trail, including Palin's bombshell that candidate McCain at one point announced that he would no longer refer to his running mate as "my friend."

"My friends, she is no longer my friend," she writes overhearing McCain say to his inner circle.

The climax of the book comes when Palin finds out that her teenage daughter, Bristol, recently experienced a climax of her own.

She writes: "Oh, you betcha I nearly gagged on my toothbrush when I found out Bristol was pregnant." She was stunned when discovering that a statement went out in her and husband Todd's name that said the couple were proud of their daughter's decision to keep the baby.

"In no way did I want to send the message that teenage pregnancy was something to endorse, much less glamorize," she continued. "Such an irresponsible anti-life message that I didn't even approve was unthinkable. It took a weekend of shooting moose from a helicopter using a high-powered rifle to even get back to a semblance of normalcy in our lives again."

In a later chapter, Palin mentions that the McCain campaign billed her for expenses related to her vetting process -- nearly $50,000 in total.

"I found it insulting that they asked me to go to a veterinarian for my campaign physical and then charged me $50,000 for it to boot!" Palin writes. "That's when I knew that healthcare reform -- not government-run Obamacare -- would continue to be a top priority for people like me living in the real America."

In the end, ironically, Palin's vet gave her a clean bill of health after giving her a Parvo vaccine.

Republicans Amend Health Care Bill; Being Muslim Now Pre-Existing Condition

2009-11-12T06:00:00.001-05:00

Posted: Better late than never.

WASHINGTON D.C. -- In their never-ending spirit of bipartisanship, republican senate leader Mitch McConnell (R - Ky) unveiled today the republican health care amendments known as "Republicare."

"We are happy to announce our plan and reach across the aisle today," said McConnell. "And by aisle, we mean Olympia Snowe."

The 1776-page bill, back-dated to July 4th and delivered inside large tea bags to senate members, is the largest passive-aggressive amendment introduced to the senate since the south said, "just kidding" after the Civil War.

The most controversial amendment names many pre-existing conditions that would not be covered by health insurance companies, including being Muslim and/or a Muslim communist president of the United States without a birth certificate. Other pre-existing conditions include having the last name Hernandez, Lopez, Ortega, Garcia, Rodriguez, Romero, Rivera, Gonzalez, Jimenez, Ramos, Chavez, Rios or Mendez.

On the positive side, included in the bill, is a perk for former republicans turned democrats who get a free no co-pay office visit with the death panel.

"I can't wait," said Sen. Arlen Specter (R - D - R - D - Penn).

Maclaren Recalls 1 Million Strollers; Parents Scramble to Find Overpriced Alternative

2009-11-10T06:00:00.012-05:00

Posted: On 1 million too many registries

BABYLAND, USA -- Parents who enjoy unnecessarily paying too much for items that can be had for one-third of the price were scrambling yesterday to find a suitably overpriced alternative when Maclaren USA recalled more than a million of its single and double strollers sold since 1999.

The recall came following 12 different incidents of children losing a finger from a poorly designed hinge mechanism on Maclaren's umbrella-style strollers. In a written statement, the U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission said that the strollers' hinge mechanism "should be f***ing perfect considering the amount of money they charge for these ridiculous status symbols that are useful for maybe a year -- if that."

The affected models are: Celeb Mimicker 2000, Pretend-Chuss XT, Strollertini, Overcompensator, Misplaced Selfworth XLR and the Look-at-Me P-People XT.

Maclaren USA, which is based in Connecticut, of course, released a statement through its spokesman, Reginald Cheshire IV, Esq., its vice president of pretentious relations, that read, in part, "We have always geared our products toward consumers who have more money than common sense.

"We hope that despite all evidence to the contrary," he continued, "that parents will ignore this recall and continue to buy our products in order to better fit in and let other parents know that a person's parenting abilities should be judged based solely on a name written on the side of a contraption that has been marked up 4,000 percent."

Maine: "I'm Not Gay, I Totally Digs Chicks, So F**k Off!"

2009-11-05T06:00:00.006-05:00

Posted: After one step forward

MAINE, Maine -- In a surprising twist of election events, the state of Maine voted to repeal a law that legalized gay marriage in the state. Maine Governor John Baldacci announced the results yesterday in a press conference held outside a Hooters restaurant in Augusta.

"On behalf of the state of Maine, I declare that we don't think there's anything wrong with being gay," said Baldacci. "But we're not gay, OK? So stop asking. Take that s**t to Vermont."

Balducci then stood on top of a table and gave out a giant "Yee-haw!"

"Now one of these wicked hot waitresses needs to bring me some wicked hot wings," he continued. "I'm going to publicly slap her on the ass to overcompensate for how not gay I am."

Maine voters approved gay marriage in May 2009 only to unapprove it last month, which is totally gay. So what changed?

"I have some gay friends on Facebook and didn't want to offend them," Baldacci said. "But then a friend suggested I join the group "Being Gay Is SOOOOO Gay!" and I just couldn't resist. We're all meeting in person soon at an out-of-the-way motel off the interstate next week to talk about it."

Many of Baldacci's friends immediately unfriended him when they saw his Wall.

"I was playing FarmVille when I came to the realization that the institution of marriage had been destroyed," he said. "That's why I'm starting a new online Facebook game called 'Marriage Wars.' Friend me if you want in."

The state government plans to hold counseling sessions for all heterosexual married couples in the state to repair any damage done during the offending six months.