Free Joke To You - Pictures, Joke, Video & Many More

Sex Change ?

2012-01-22T15:40:00.000-08:00

There was a successful doctor who had an office in a small midwestern town.He decided that he wasn't happy with his life and needed a change, so he went and got himself a sex change operation.

A couple of weeks later he returned to his practice. His secretary wondered why it took him so long to return. 'Well, it hurt alot more than I thought it would.'

Then she asked him, 'What part hurt the most? Was it when they cut off your penis or when they pumped you full of air to make your breasts that big?'

He said 'Well, that hurt, but not bad enough to keep me at home for so long. What hurt the most was when theydrilled a hole in my head and pumped out half of my brains!'

Funny Names to Call People

2012-01-10T08:58:00.000-08:00

Here are some samples of funny names for you. If you're really starved of creativity then you can just go ahead and use one of these to get your kicks, but the objective here is to enable you to apply your own mind and come up with that one flabbergasting word that no one has ever heard before.

Douche bag
Retard
Dodo head
Dip stick
Sloppy nuts
Numb nuts
Scrotum lover
Butt janitor
Gay lord
Turd
Fart licker
Ass goblin
Herpes harvester
McStink
Shitshack

The act of coming up with really funny names to call people simply requires you to pick a funny sounding prefix or suffix and it to a fairly innocent sounding word. The results are bound to be highly amusing for you and everyone, as long as the person being called the name doesn't take it too seriously and get offended. These nicknames for friends are another way of going about things.

Funny Names to Call People with Glasses and Braces

People with glasses or braces have always been easy pickings for most, and there is a lot of scope here to come up with some really funny nicknames and words. Try some of these examples and see the outcome for yourself.

Window face
Mr. doesn't use contacts because he doesn't like the sensation of touching own eyeballs
Goggs
Clark Kent
Glass clown
Harry Potter
Metal mouth
Ironman

Here are some tips for you to come up with funny names for people, and if you keep these in mind it will serve you well.

Try and pick something touchy about the persons physical appearance. This is the best way to really get under someone's skin and annoy them.
If you add a really disgusting sounding word before their name (or even the name of a disease) it will be highly amusing.
Obscenities are unnecessary, as mentioned earlier, but sometimes they too can add a great deal of humor to a seemingly innocuous sounding name.
Be prepared for a verbal onslaught with the other person though, because they will retaliate. Arm yourself with an arsenal of insults and comebacks, put-downs and slams.

Funny Names to Call Lovers

Now, when you are thinking of funny names to call your girlfriend or boyfriend, you have to be a little more tactful. It would be utterly useless if you went and called your girlfriend a fart licker, so what you need to do is change your train of thoughts completely. Think along the lines of mushy and cute nicknames, and you will not regret it. Here are some samples for you.

Peaches
Buttercup
Pumpkin
Snookums
Cupcake face
Cutsie wootsie
Dodo
Maddy

The amusing part of these names comes to the fore when someone else hears you saying these names to each other. They may sound sweet and romantic to your ears, but when you hear someone else saying these names, you will realize how funny it really is.

If you happen to know a foreign language, you can come up with a lot of funny sounding names as well. The choices are endless for you. You can come up with some funny names to call people in Spanish, French, Japanese or Portuguese and they will not even understand what you're saying. It will be even more amusing if there is someone around who also understands what you are really saying. Source : Funny Names to Call People

Christmas Clean Jokes

2011-12-23T08:29:00.000-08:00

Q. What kind of bird can write?
A. A pen-guin

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective ?
A. Santa Clues!

Q. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A. It's Christmas, Eve.

Q. Why does Santa Claus like to work in the garden?
A. Because he like to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q. What happened when the snowwoman got angry at the snowman?
A. She gave him the cold shoulder.

Q. What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A. Ice caps.

Q. How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?
A. Fleece Navidad!

Q. What is a snowman's favorite lunch?
A. An Iceberger!

Q. What do vampires put on their Christmas turkey?
A. Grave-y.

Q. What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?
A. I'll have a boo Christmas without you.

Q. What do you call a snowman party?
A. A Snowball!

Q. What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A. A cookie sheet!

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark?
A. Frost bite!

Q. What do you call an Eskimo cow?
A. An Eskimoo.

Q. How is the Christmas alphabet different from the ordinary alphabet?
A. The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

Q. What do the elves sing to Santa Claus on his birthday?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow . . .

Q. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
A. Sandy Claws!

Q. Why are Christmas trees such bad knitters?
A. They are always dropping their needles.

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
A. Thanks, I'll never part with it!

Q. Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A. Because he had the drum sticks.

Q. What do you when if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A. A pineapple.

Q. What did the big candle say to the little candle?
A. I'm going out tonight.

Q. Why wasn't the turkey hungry at Christmas time?
A. He was stuffed!

Q. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A. Because it soots him.

Q. What kind of ball doesn't bounce?
A. A snowball!

Q. What's the best thing to put into Christmas pie?
A. Your teeth!

Q. What do you get when you eat the Christmas decorations?
A. Tinsel-itus.

Q. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A. Because every buck is dear to him.

Q. If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A. Missletoe!

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.

Q. What does Santa like to eat?
A. A jolly roll.

Q. How does Santa take pictures?
A. With his North Pole-aroid.

Funny Pictures : Potato Shirt

2011-12-01T15:35:00.000-08:00

Secret Box

2011-11-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.

He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."

The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"

The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid.

It contained $10,000 and three eggs.

"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked. "Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box.

Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.

"And what about that $10,000?"" he asked.

"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I . . . ummm . . . sold them . . . and put a dollar in the box."

The bride tells her husband

2011-10-28T17:13:00.000-07:00

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Japanese Stair-Climbing Game Show

2011-10-12T12:51:00.000-07:00

Oh Shits !!!

Check it This Cat !

2011-09-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man “I can’t believe what I m seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!!” The man replied “Nah lady this cats not clever at all I m beating it 6 games to 1″

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

A Girl Driving in Highway

2011-08-14T03:23:00.000-07:00

A girl is driving along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses."

When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead.

"Hello," the mechanic answers.

"Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks.

The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."

"Oh, is that a record?" she says.

"No," he says, "but it's better than average."

Adult Joke : Cheating Wife

2011-07-22T16:24:00.000-07:00

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.

While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Cheating Wife - For more funny movies, click here

Girls Confession

2011-07-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession. "So me andmy cousin were alone in the house," she continued, "and went up to mybedroom..."

"Go on, my child," said the priest gently. "I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his handon my....on my..." "Go on." "On my XXX ," stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen."And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself."

"Yes, go on," the priest directed. "I pulled down his pants and his XXX popped out, stiff and tall,"the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, "and he began toshove it in me so hard..." "Yes, yes... Go on," he urged, breathing hard. "And then we heard the front door slam--"

   "Oh, SHIT!!!!

Funny Stories : Dr. Philbilly

2011-06-12T01:08:00.000-07:00

When I was about 14 I lived in Louisianna. I haven’t been there in a long time but at the time it was a pretty rough place. Fights, strange happenings, unexpected and unexplained deaths. Where we went to school they would even check you for weapons. If you didn’t have one they would loan you one till school was out. Even that reporter “Geraldo” came and done a special for 20/20 about satanic rituals that had been reported to be happening in the area. Anyway, I said all that to set up the setting for the following story. You have to appreciate the environment to appreciate the story.

One Friday night I was staying over at a friends house and his parents brought us to the show and we all saw a good spook movie. One of the scenes was this lady getting in the shower, turning it on and blood coming out of it. Once we got home my friends mother said she was going to take a shower and go to bed. She was still kinda spooked and freaked out by the movie so my friend and I was trying to figure out what we could do to get her good.

We found a pack of red Kool-Aid in the kitchen and the light bulb went off. We rushed to the bathroom, unscrewed the end of the shower nozzle and poured in the Kool-Aid. We sat on the couch and waited for the scream. His mom finally goes into the bathroom and we wait, but no scream. All of a sudden we hear a loud boom, the door of the bathroom had flown clean off the hinges and here comes his mom running down the hall wrapped in the shower curtain screaming bloody murder.

She runs right past us and out the front door. Now the curtain rod was hung up on the curtain and dragging behind her, but when she went out the front door it got side ways and stuck on the door jam. We ran to the front door, looked down and there sat the rod and curtain lying on the porch. Craaaaap! My poor friend, that had to be traumatic for him to see his momma’s naked butt running across the yard, screaming with her hands waiving in the air. Good times. I’m just sayin’. afunnystuff

Hidden Camera In Female Toilet

2011-05-27T17:25:00.000-07:00

These three men won a contest. The prize was a wish from the wizard. The three men all wanted toilets.

The first man wanted a wooden toilet. So he got his wish. The second man wanted a metal toilet. So he got his wish. The third man wanted a talking toilet. So he got his wish.

The next day they all wanted to return their toilets. The first one said "My toilet rotted through." So the wizard took his toilet back.

The second one said" My toilet rusted," So the wizard took his toilet back.

The third man said "Every time I try to sit on it to use it it starts to sing "I see your hinny, all white and shiny, if you don't hide it I'm gonna bite it. CleanJoke

Parenting Joke : Changes with Each Baby

2011-05-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

Parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Thanks Jokesandhumor

Funny Pictures For Today

2011-04-15T20:53:00.000-07:00

Big Girls Fly?

2011-03-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

This is what happen, when they like to break record !!

Sexy - Hot Leg !!!

2011-02-12T10:45:00.000-08:00

Funniest Real Ads

2011-01-19T20:56:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.
Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."
Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"
1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

Sexy Girl With Monster Burps !

2010-12-26T15:55:00.000-08:00

Women's Perfect Breakfast

2010-12-06T16:27:00.000-08:00

Women's Perfect Breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Before And After Marriage

2010-10-25T17:30:00.000-07:00

Dancing Walrus

2010-10-25T17:25:00.000-07:00

Japanese Dinner Argument

2010-10-10T08:15:00.000-07:00

P/s : Very Funny and creative

Honeymoon Joke

2010-09-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough, she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "yeah, but the problem is, she gave me $20 change!"

Greeting Cards

2010-09-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

1. My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry

2. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

3. You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

4. Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me

5. Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive
Don't you regret installing
Windows 95?

6. You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?