Funny Jokes & Amusing Stories

Q&A: Facts from a Doctor

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 01:37:00 +0000

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Most Embarrassing Moments

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 12:44:00 +0000

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now",
she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee last night!'

"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of
laughter."

Amy Richardson-- Stafford,Virginia

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"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after
making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my
girlfriend that I give a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't
want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got
to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole
crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!'. My entire family - aunts, uncles,
Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My
girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for
what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has
planned a surprise party again."

Tim Cahill--Poughkeepsie, New York

Anatomy Class

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 12:38:00 +0000

Students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted."

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.

"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people."

How Indians are Named

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 00:17:00 +0000

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

Hot Day in Texas

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 03:16:00 +0000

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

Bowels not Move

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 03:08:00 +0000

Once there was this Indian chief named Chief Bowels. The neighboring town wanted to build a golf course on his land, and this made the chief very angry, so he sends a messenger to the council office, which was in the same building as a doctor's office.

The messenger goes in the wrong door, goes to the doctor and says, "Bowels not move". So the doctor gives him a pill. The messenger takes the pill back to the chief.

The next day, the messenger is back, and says , "Bowels still not move". So the doctor gives him a stronger pill.

The next day, same thing, the messenger comes back "Bowels STILL no move" So the doctor gives him the strongest pills he has.

The next day, the messenger comes back, and says "Bowels HAD to move. Tepee full of shit"

Everything's Big

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 02:10:00 +0000

There was this cowboy from Texas who decided to do a little traveling and when he got as far north as Kansas City he was feeling pretty horny so decided to stay a while.

That evening he hailed a cab and asked the cabbie about houses of ill repute, so the cabbie took him to one that he knew well.

After choosing a suitable looking gal they went upstairs and on the way the girl commented on how tall the man was. The cowboy said everything from Texas was big. After getting undressed and the girl had taken a good look she said I can see what you mean about everything from Texas being big.

"Yes ma'am" said the cowboy, " I mean everything."

After they had finished their business and were getting dressed the cowboy asked, "By the way ma'am, what part of Texas are you from?"

Child Joke: Cavity

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 15:07:00 +0000

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Futh furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste.

"What do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed.

"Don't try to stop me!" Futh warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's.

Blonde Joke: Soda Machine

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 12:06:00 +0000

One day a blonde goes up to a soda machine. She puts in some money and a soda comes out.

She gets really excited and started to put more money into the machine. The more and more she did it, the more the sodas came out.

Someone walked up to her and asked her if they could get a soda.

The blonde said, 'Get out of my face, I'm winning!

Blonde Joke: Big Fan

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:04:00 +0000

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

Blonde in 1st Class

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 15:01:00 +0000

A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket. The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket.
The blonde says, "I'm a cute looking blonde and I'm flying first class."
The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta....
The blonde then retorts, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class".
Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening....
The blonde tells him, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class....
The captain whispers in her ear...and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin...
The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast..
He replied, "I told her that 1st class is not going to Atlanta."

Be Strong Honey

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 16:54:00 +0000

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, the guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.... .do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey I love you!

" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

Woman's Revenge

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 14:10:00 +0000

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could
do to him legally."

Woman's Perfect Breakfast

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 13:58:00 +0000

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet
coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Brain Pills

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 05:53:00 +0000

A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at three small brown pellets in his hand. The bartender asked what they were, and the drunk replied "They are brain pills...they make you smart."

The bartender says excitedly, "Give me one." He snatches one from the drunks hand, and gulps it quickly down with water. In a few minutes he comes back over to the drunk and says he doesn't feel any smarter.

"You probably didn't take enough." So the bartender quickly gulps down another one.

Half an hour later the bartender asks for a third pill. This one he looks at with more care. He sniffs it, and tastes it slowly. "Why, this is nothing but sheep manure!"

"See," says the drunk, "you're getting smarter already."

Batman

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 18:30:00 +0000

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk... I mean really really really DRUNK. When the bar closed he got up to go home, and as he stumbled out of the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. Soooo he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well, the nun was really surprised...but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said......

"Not very fuckin' strong tonight, ARE YOU BATMAN?!"

Bar-room Football

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 01:47:00 +0000

A man named Larry goes into a bar and orders a bottle of beer. Larry sits down and hears a bunch of noise in the background. Larry asks the bartender about the noise.. The bartender tells him that they're playing bar room football. So Larry decides to go and check it out.

He walks in and asks how to play and if he can play. A man named Joe tells him that in order to score a touchdown, you have to drink a can of beer within 10 seconds and to go for the extra point, you gotta pull down your pants and fart.

So they play for a while and Larry goes for the touchdown and drinks the beer in 8 seconds. So Larry pulls down his pants to go for the extra point.

All of a sudden, a man comes up from behind and sticks his dick up Larry's ass.

Larry jumps and says, "What the hell did you do that for?"

The man answers, "I was trying to block the extra point!!!"

Bar Challenge

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 03:16:00 +0000

A man walks into a bar and notices a huge pot filled with money sitting in the corner. He asks the bartender about it and the bartender tells him it's the prize for a contest.

"You pay 5 bucks for a chance to win the pot, and to win it you have to do three things" says the bartender. "First, you have to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Second, there's a pit bull out back who has an abscessed tooth. You have to pull the bad tooth from his mouth. Last, you have to go upstairs to the bedroom. Up there is the owner's mother. She's 90 years old, and hasn't had an orgasm in 30 years If you can make her come, the money's yours."

The guy decides to try it and tosses his five bucks in the pot. He walks up to the bouncer and decks the monster with a single punch. Then he goes out back. Soon everyone in the bar hears growling, barking, and yelling, followed by whimpering sounds.

The fellow strolls back into the bar with his clothes ripped up, covered with scratches and bites. "That's two down!" he says. "Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"

Ballerina

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 00:45:00 +0000

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a drink, when the bartender calls who ordered a drink, she raises her arm.

A man across the road saw all this hair under her arm and came over. He goes, I'll buy that ballerina a drink.

The bartender asks how do you know she's a ballerina? The man replies only a ballerina can lift her leg up that high...

ATM Card

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 10:43:00 +0000

One day, three friends and I went to this "Gentlemans' Club."

One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.

Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.

Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute.....then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

Alligator Show

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 17:42:00 +0000

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.".

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

A Thief walks into the Bar

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 22:41:00 +0000

Two guys walk into a bar. One is a huge monster of a man, and the other a slight, small man. They walk up to the bar and order drinks.

About that time, a thief walks into the bar brandishing a gun. He walks up to the big guy, points the gun at his head, and says, "you've got fifteen minutes to live, what do you want to do with the rest of your life?"

The big guy says, " I want to fuck everything that moves!"

The thief points the gun at the little guy and asks, "you've got fifteen minutes to live, what do YOU want to do?"

The little guy says, "Stand real still!"

A Texan at Pub in Ireland

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 22:39:00 +0000

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to- back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

A Pastor in a Neighborhood Pub

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 22:38:00 +0000

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the toilet. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use the toilet!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the toilet.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the toilet, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, a bell behind the bar rings five times. Now, how about a drink?"

New Office Policy

noreply@blogger.com (kabalweg) — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 17:28:00 +0000

NOTE: EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work .

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin boa rd under the 'Chronic Offenders'category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

P.S. Pass this on to all who are still employed!