F*#K! I had the choice of saving Sam and Anya (RT), or just laying down cover fire from above (LT)… guess which I picked? I just spent a couple days on Gears of War 3 Act 3: Chapter 2: Rescue in Insane mode! A couple of f*#king days!!!!! That was f*#king hard, and I have some tips for all you stupid mutha f*#kaz that pressed RT instead of LT!

Step 1
So you will first go on a ride (in the back of a truck) and gun down the enemy while you are getting to where Sam and Anya are pinned down (piece of cake). The vehicle will crash, leaving you in the sh*t! Now I suggest that you take cover and try kill the Digger and other Locust pests (and grab that digger gun, it can be helpful). Now after you take care of the Locust and the Lambent rascals in that area things will calm down until you approach the fort, so take that time (before you walk towards the fort) to grab some incendiary grenades, weapons and ammo before you move on (you’ll f*#kin’ need it).

Step 2
When you approach the fort you’ll hear some blabber about bringing the Hammer of Dawn online, even though the targeting system is f*#ked up. This means game on! A couple of Lament Stalks will pop out of the ground, and all hell will break loose. The closer stalk will drop one Lambent Druge (which will not morph), so take cover (I like burnt out truck furthest back), aim and take the bastard out. Make an effort to get the Perfect Active Reload bonus by tapping the reload button when the progress bar on the meter below your bullet count hits the middle line. Now the second stalk will drop a Lambent Drudge (that will morph) and several Lambent Drones (plus there will be Locust shooting at you from the walls of the fort). I would stay behind that truck if I were you. The Drudge will morph into that long armed fireball launching thing that looks like the inflated do-hicky that you see outside the car dealership. Take cover, and kill the bastard!

Step 3
Once again there will be a reprise (a break in the action for those with limited vocabulary). Take the time to refill your ammo. Now when you walk to a certain point, another Lambent Stalk will drop a Lambent Berserker… YOU’RE F*#KED!
Now if you’ve played the game before, you know that the Berserker is one of the toughest creatures to kill (unless you have the Hammer of Dawn handy). Rule of thumb is what I call the “Charging Bull Technique”. You let the b*tch charge at you and you jump out of the way before she flattens you. And as an added bonus (if dodging the Berserker is not enough) you need to take cover from the Lambent that will be firing at your ass!
In insane more the Berserker will charge at you almost every time. So make sure you keep your eyes on where that f*#ker is at all times. You can try and take out the Lambent shooting at you while dodging the Berserker, but I think it’s a waste of time (The Hammer of Dawn will take care of them). Essentially you’re trying to stay alive until the Hammer of Dawn fires.
Now, when the Hammer fires, you want to run like hell towards it, but to the right (almost hugging the outer walls of the fort). Try to avoid the Hammer, because it will kill you. Now there will be an opening to the fort that you need to run into immediately (you’ll eventually see it as you’re running along the wall). So think of it as one mad dash to the forts opening as soon as the Hammer fires (you need to complete this mad dash before the Hammer fires for a third time… or you’re dead). Once you enter the fort it will either put you into the next cut scene, or tell you “MISSION FAILED”.

The sh*tty thing about this whole deal is:
1) It’s way f*#king harder than I can ever describe
2) If you die at any time, it starts you back when the truck crashes (almost the f*#king beginning). Even if you die while entering the fort (about 20 minutes of game play).
3) It’s way f*#king harder than I can ever describe
4) You will have finish off the Lambent Berserker off in the next section… and it WILL suck!

Good luck sucker… this ones not gonna happen on the first try Poindexter!

Here’s a walkthrough I found on IGN… But it’s in Hardcore Mode (I think).

Here’s an idea of what you’re looking at. It’s 11 f*#king minutes long, but this guy’s f*$king awesome!

F*#k! That one took me a while. Got a quick tip for all those stuck on Act I: Helping Hand (Gears of War 3). Here’s whatcha need to do. A dude will open the door into hostile territory, and you need to run like OJ Simpson to the other side of the yard, and flank these mother f*#kers. Hold down the A button and run on the right side towards the stack of sea containers that divides the yards in half. Keep running through the opening and stay to the right… run right through the open sea container on the right and at the end there will be a Boom Shot that you will need to kill the Lambent Drudges and Gunker (the f*#king worst of all). So grab the Boom Shot and hopefully you have a fully loaded Lancer also… it helps hugely
Be very careful with the Gunker. It will blow you to bits with it’s emulsion fireball if you don’t find cover after every shot. Use the Boom shot on the Gunker, then run back to the open sea container and take cover and counter attack after each fireball. When you run out of boom shot ammo, toss grenades…. bottom line, kill that mother f*@ker. He’s a pain in the ass! Now work on the Drudges then the regular grunts. Basically you are flanking from the far side of the battlefield, and taking out the enemy from the back, while the rest of the platoon work from the front back… Capisce? OK. Now go clean up that lambent!

Here’s some Insane Clown Posse to kill to!… Speaking of insane!

I’m going through Gears of War 3 in Hardcore mode, and I’m on Act V: Blackout. After getting through a bloodbath in a train station you take an elevator (or lift for those Brits out there in cyberspace) up which stalls out on the way up to the top floor. The lights go out, and out pours an endless herd of Wretches. The first couple of times I tried to use a Boom Shot or the Lancer… but to no avail, I was dismembered by the herd. Then I said to my self… f*#k it! Go Texas Chainsaw on their asses and see how that works. At least if you die, you can go down in a blaze of glory!… Right?… So I tried it… and it f*#kin worked! Yup just get into the middle of them with Lancer in hand then hit the B button to start sawing away one after the other. You too can own this amazing tool…
It slices!
it dices!
it Juliennes!
It’s the Chainsaw Melee!
Your gonna be eating Wretches for weeks! Ha ha ha ha haaaa! This game’s makin’ me f*#kin’ crazy!

Just finished Gears of War 3, and it was f*#king awesome! It turned out to be around 12 hours of game play to get through standard mode. So my next move is go to Hardcore mode… then Insane mode… then check out Versus and all the other online modes. I just booted up Hardcore mode and I’m ready for action!
*** SPOILER ALERT***

So basically Marcus Fenix finds out his Father Dr. Adam Jonathon Fenix (Who was killed in the first Gears) is alive, and holds the key to destroying all the Imulsion on the planet… Thus destroying the Lambent and the Locust. Essentially this is the final chapter of the Gears of War story.

I really dug the story (although it was quite predictable that Dr. Fenix was going to martyr himself in the end), and the game play. They introduced more weapons, like the Silverback, ( A robotic exoskeleton suit equipped with a Gatling Gun… pretty bad ass), the Gorgon SMG (a fully automatic hand machine gun), The Digger (you’ll have to see it to believe it) and the Retro Lancer (an updated more accurate version of the original Lancer) to name a few (not to mention several new grenades). Also the graphics and the cut scenes were f*#king sick!

Well… that’s enough bull sh*tting with you geeks. It’s time to kill some critters in Hardcore mode!!!

Speaking of Hardcore… Here’s some Anthrax

My body was overflowing with the electric like sensation of pure petulant impatience to get back to my lair and shoot this f*#king drug into my vein! OK! OK! Maybe a little too dramatic.

So yes I have been excited about this game since marveling at the 50 foot high poster of Marcus Fenix at E-3.

Now I was expecting a lot… and for f*#k sake Epic Games has delivered (so far). As soon as I booted up it was like getting into the next issue of your favorite comic. Once again Marcus Fenix is in Jail, and the human race faces extinction. Time to save the human race! The game has even better graphics, more new creatures to kill, and of course more toys (weapons)… not to mention an arcade mode and several versus modes online! I’ve put in about seven hours so far and I’m booted up now… ready to hit the start button and quell my addiction. I’ll get back to you when I come up for air.

Wow! What an overwhelming event! I have never been to E3 before and it was everything I expected and more. This is the f*#king Burning Man of the gaming world… well maybe not that crazy, but still very impressive. The one thing I gotta say about this event is that I’m sad that I wasn’t able to go all three days (or at least 2). I was there for close to four hours so I just concentrated on some of the bigger releases, and of course the games I was interested in. So let’s quit jerkin’ off and get straight into it.

When I got into the West Hall, all my senses were completely overwhelmed with an orchestra of sounds, crazy lights, mega exhibits and people (whether sheik geek or true geek or even dressed in costume hired geeks and hired super hot anime chicks). The place was amazing from the start, but I knew time was short and I had to get right into it. I went over with a buddy who had been there for a couple of hours what I needed to see and we plotted out our course of action. First stop, the South Hall where we could see 2K, Microsoft, EA and Ubisoft.
When we got to the 2K exhibit first, and I spotted a line going in to a demo of The Darkness 2… F*#k Yeah! I dragged my buddies into the line and waited for about 30 minutes to get in. about 20 people were crowded into this makeshift theater with black lights and and cool artwork on the wall. Some of the key players in the design of the game were in there narrating a walkthrough of a couple levels. I really dug the first edition of this game. For those who need a refresher course click here. The story picks up after Jackie Estacato take over the crime family (by killing everybody), and a new nasty faction of supernaturals have come to get the Darkness from him. They have changed the game a bit (in a good way) so you can be equipped to battle this new more powerful enemy. You now can buy power upgrades and weapons to suit your needs during the game. It kinda made it more like BioShock in that sense. The bottom line with this game is that the artwork is even better that the first game (even more comic book looking), the kill moves are even more f*#king brutal that the first game (especially one called the wishbone… you can imagine that one), and the bosses are tougher. I am really looking forward to this one, which will be out in early October.

My second stop was over at the Microsoft exhibit to see Gears of War 3. The line was f*#king out of control, so instead of torturing my buddies I just watched people playing. The game looked just as cool as all the others in the past… more new creatures, and more new weapons too (very cool). I’m also looking forward to this one, which has a release in late September (it’s gonna be a hell of a fall).

The next stop was the Activision compound, where they premiered the trailer for Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. There was a f*#king 360 degree screen… people were packed into that area like sardines. Hence why my pics are from the outside. The trailer was f*#kin awesome loud and raucous… lots of action, lots of explosions. I am not a huge fan of the COD franchise (mostly because it’s more of a co-op game and all my friends have real lives and don’t have time to play silly video games), but this one looks like a winner. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 comes out November of 2011.

“Next stop… UBISOFT”. You guys who read my blog know I’m a fan of the Assassins Creed franchise as well as Ubisoft Montreal too (not to suck their dicks too much). Like I said before, I didn’t have a lot of time, and of course there was a huge f*#king line to play this game. So once again I peeked over the shoulder of people playing. This latest version looks like it will make the bigger picture more clear in the saga. So far you have played as your ancestors Altier and Ezio… completing assassinations that will ultimately destroy your enemy (the Knights of the Templar), freeing the world from an ignorant enslavement. Revelations will have you revisiting all these ancestors (cool!) for more missions. This game is slated for release in November 2011.

Next stop was the EA complex. When we walked in, there was s f*#king sick trailer for Star Wars The Old Republic. This game is a MMORPG so I’m not down with it, but the cut scenes looked incredible. I checked out FIFA 2012 first. EA definitely keeps improving all their sports franchises, but I think the main reason for wanting this game is the updated roster. I can’t f*#king wait ’till you can just buy the updated roster online… it would save me a whole hell of a lot of money. FIFA 12 comes out in late September 2011. Next I checked out the new Need for Speed “The Run”. I am sooooo glad NFS pulled themselves out of the funk. They put out sh*t for a while, then finally went back to their roots. This next edition of NFS is a story based game like “Most Wanted”… But!. Your character will get out of the car Grand Theft Auto style for certain parts of the game. This is exactly what the franchise needed. Your character Jack has gotten in some trouble with the mob and is forced to join a race from LA to New York that he has to win. So not only is there sick racing, but there is fighting, gun play and running away from your enemies. This one is a must get, and releases in mid November 2011.

Next stop was Nintendo F*#king City! Yup… there’s a new Wii (Wii 2) coming out with an interesting new peripheral. Looks like the Wii-mote had a baby with an iPad. Your controller will now have it’s own screen integrated. You ask why? Well I couldn’t get that much out of the lady pictured above, and standing in line for an hour to play it, didn’t fit into the schedule. What I could gather was that the small screen on the controller will work in tandem with the TV screen. For instance, there was a game people were playing that on the TV screen you saw a bird soaring in the air… on the screen on your controller you were seeing through the eyes of the bird. The lady above explained that you will be able to see your environment 360 degrees through your controller, which sounds cool. This will bring the Wii to a whole new dimension. Also it looks like they vastly improved the resolution of the graphics. Much smother…looks like 1080i. There was no indication of when this will be out or more importantly… how much?

Another interesting product I saw was Rocksmith (Ubisoft). This takes Guitar Hero to the next level (even though that franchise is dead). I waited for close to a f*#king hour to try this one out. Basically you can plug your own guitar into your Xbox 360… but that’s not all. You have a sansamp (meaning you can get a wide variety of different virtual guitar sounds) that you can mess around with, so you can match the guitar sound on the track. You can also just f*#k around and play guitar if you want. The game mode is a lot like Guitar Hero, which I am not a fan of. Being a musician, I have a hard time with the visual, which forces you to play off the beat… not good. The technology is impressive, but I wish it was more musical. I still think it’s coming out at the wrong time… this genre is dying, and I think the public is over it. But, I think there’s room for it in the educational realm.

Here’s the things I missed (sadly)

Halo 4 (couldn’t find it… plus didn’t have time to look)

BioShock Infinite – Caught a glimpse of it, but I’ve seen the long and very impressive trailer, and I know it will rock.

The Lord of the Rings: War in the North (Didn’t have time)

Pheiw! That was like giving birth. Looks like this fall will be chocked full of awesome game releases. Hopefully I will have the means to check them all out for you and blog about it.

Baptize me into the full fledged world of Geekdom!!! Yup… tomorrow I’m leaving my parents basement (lol) and finally attending the 2011 E3 Expo! F*#k Yea!!!! I am soooo f*#king stoked you don’t even f*#king know! My mission is to plot out which game’s I’ll be buying and blogging about for the rest of the year. I’m looking forward to seeing Halo 4 (Microsoft), Gears of War 3(Microsoft), BioShock Infinite (K2) and The Darkness F*#king 2 (K2)! F*#K YEAH! But who know what other cool games I’ll find… Tune in tomorrow to find out. Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa! Suckas!

Dats what I’m tawkin’ ’bout!

This is a post written by one of my many loyal fans. Looks like Madden 2012 has found a new poster boy!

It looks like the Cleveland Browns are going to need to draft a running back. Why? Browns running back Peyton Hillis just beat out Michael Vick to be featured on the cover of Madden 2012. Sucks to be a Browns fan.

For those unaware of the game’s history, many of the players that have been featured on the Madden cover since 1999 have ended up having crappy seasons or getting hurt. It is known as the “Madden Curse.” Marshall Faulk was on the 2003 cover and by 2005, he was out of the game. It seems that gracing the cover of Madden is like playing roulette with your career.

Another stat that doesn’t bode well for the Browns is that every player from the AFC North that has been featured on the Madden cover has been injured. Granted, Hillis is only the third player to be featured from the division, but so far things don’t look well.

Of course, it could have been worse for Eagles fans. Michael Vick was the other front runner for the cover of Madden 2012. Can you imagine if Vick made the cover and then was injured? He has already been bitten once by the Madden curse. He was on the 2004 cover, and then proceeded to break his leg. Oh, and that whole dog fighting thing happened.

To me, it seems that if NFL players want to gamble, they should go play online casino games and decline to be considered for Madden. Granted, many of you probably think that the curse is silly and only a f#@king dolt would turn down the opportunity of a lifetime to be featured on the game. All I know is that 11 players have been bitten by the curse so far. Will Hillis be next?

Madden 2012 is scheduled to be released from EA Sports on August 30th.

Holy SH*T! Wait ’till you get to the last race on Need for Speed “Hot Pursuit”. It’s called Seacrest Tour and it will push you to the limits of your abilities… and if it doesn’t, you must be under the age of 18 and you’re definitely a virgin! I spent over a week just finishing this race… and I only came in f*#king 2nd place! For all you mortals who are having trouble with this race… come join me for:

Speedypete’s “Tips for Gaming Mortals… and normal dudes who just want to finish the f*#king game!”

All you obsessed fanboy bastards can just scroll to the bottom and enjoy some Metal!

So here’s the deal fellow mere mortals. The last race on NFS Hot Pursuit is a monster 45 mile, 16 minute, “Oh Sh*t” filled, test of your hand eye coordination. The race is called Seacrest Tour, and it pretty much takes all the tracks you raced on throughout the game, and strings them all together. It’s a good test of your stamina and concentration. I for one am ADD (self proclaimed) so it was extra difficult to pay attention for such a long time… but… I finally pulled it off… and here’s how I did it.

Tip #1:
Pick the Koenigsegg CCXR. I know … The Bugatti Veyron has the edge because of it’s slightly higher top speed. But! The CCXR handles much better overall and is lighter (over 1300lbs lighter), which gives it the edge when it comes to getting to top speed.

Tip #2
Don’t f*#ing crash! You have 4 chances to crash, then it’s over. Once you exceed 4, you will get the critical damage warning. Then all it takes is one of the other racers to tap you… then boom! Game over… wah wah waaah : (

Tip #3
You need to take the CCXR to top speed as much as you can- Dude… there is no f*#king around here! You need to finish this race either 1st, 2nd or 3rd so put the peddle to the f*#king metal. There are a lot of straightaways on this track, and you’ll need some major stretches of time at top speed.

Tip #4
Look ahead motherf*#ker! When you’re over 200mph your reactions need to be based on what is way ahead of you…like break lights or head lights far off in the distance. Make your lane changes far in advance! You’re basically floating and all your moves need to be anticipated, fluid and calculated… as much as you can. Quick moves will make you lose control… then … Boom! I sometimes watch the racers ahead of me and copy their moves. Remember… they are avoiding traffic also, so it may help you.

Tip #5
Use your turbo wisely… Young Jedi! The tips on the game suggest that you use turbo on uphill parts of the track. They’re right, you pick up the most ground on the uphill… so save your turbo!

Tip #6
Don’t over-steer you jack ass! You know what I mean. When you’re drifting you just need to tap that brake and watch the curve ahead. Too much steering and correcting will slow you down.

Tip #7
Get to know the track- This race is a f*#king long one! I know you have raced on all these tracks, but you can’t afford to look at the map too much… it will f*#K you up. Especially when you’re doin’ 250mph. You need to anticipate the track.

Tip #8
F*#k the shortcuts! Unless you have them totally dialed in it’s a waste of your time. Remember, this track will take over 15 minuted to complete, so stick to what you know! I had 2 shortcut in particular that I could pull off well… and yes it did help.

Well… good luck sucka! This is a f*#king frustrating race…especially when you’ve put over 10 minutes in and BOOM!

Ha ha ha ha!

Lemmy!… Show these wankers how it’s done!