Free Yourself

Approach Anxiety

noreply@blogger.com (Confidant) — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 23:01:00 +0000

I too have struggled with ways to conquer approach anxiety once and for all...

I've found that approach anxiety is a symptom of something much deeper that's pervasive throughout every aspect of our lives; fear.

We're afraid to raise our hands in class or make a suggestion to our boss at work or tell our friend or relative that they're being a dumbass.

So to expand a bit on the topic at hand - we've spent most of our lives building up a habit of AVOIDANCE. Avoid 'uncomfortable' situations. Avoid 'mistakes'.

Instead, we need to be APPROACHING uncomfortable situations. We need to be APPROACHING learning opportunities.

In order to put ourselves out there like this on a CONSISTENT basis across EVERY domain of our lives, we need to first have a solid sense of self so that we don't have to continually engage in self-doubt like the rest of the avoidant world. However, we must also be open to GROW and LEARN from our experiences.

The reason AA always comes back is because we step out of the club and back into school and work and our apartments and we go right back to avoiding.

I've found that whenever I go a day completely without inhibitions - completely without avoidance, then approaching girls with the same gusto is just an afterthought.

Pointers on Flying Solo

noreply@blogger.com (Confidant) — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 01:44:00 +0000

If you're going out alone, here are some pointers

[*] Arrive EARLY, bullshit with the security, get to know them briefly, talk about the club and good club nights and the city and being security and the weather, the girls, etc.

[*] Get to know the bartender. Tip them $5 or $10 and tell them you're going to be coming to them for water all night but you want it to look like a drink so you can act drunk and be taken advantage of by the ladies. (meaning add garnish/straws)

[*] Meet the promoters, same talk as security. Tell them you're a regular clubber and you scope out clubs for you and your friends to come to and you'd love to be on the list - get their phone number.

[*] Here's a ZINGER: many times the HGVs will be there early because they are very good friends with the promoters. MEET THEM. They are the super-hotties. Go introduce yourself, cheers them with your water, compliment their outfits and roll off and talk to another security guard about how cute those chicks are.

[*] The club will start filling up - game on. You already know everyone there is to know in the venue. You're the man, this is your party. BRING THE PARTY to everyone. Give value. Work the room doing short-set method (cheers, high fives, 'Hey!/smile', etc: open high energy/eject)

[*] Now go back around re-open making brief statements and having brief interactions. The club is yours, you are lording, you have your choice of the ladies of the realm. Enjoy.

As you go back week after week you will meet other regular clubbers like yourself. They will be your new 'social circle' in the club - just a group of ppl u regularly bullshit with when you go out. After one week you will no longer be 'flying solo' because the staff/security are your friends - goof off with them, have fun. After a couple weeks the regulars in the club are your friends too.

Congratulations, you've learned the art of lording a nightclub.

"ATTRACTION... Finally Nailed It"

noreply@blogger.com (Confidant) — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 04:30:00 +0000

This is a post made by someone else, I think this captures the essence of Attraction very concisely. Enjoy

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Attraction...

I've been trying to write about attraction for a while and I've been having a hard time.

There are a MILLION things that go into what makes up attraction. a MILLION.

Speaking of a million, let me tell you a funny story.

I'm in the club, and somehow I manage to be HAMMERED drunk. Like seriously, I forgot half the night. I HATE when I get like that. Sure, sometimes I drink and I like to party but I ALWAYS want to remember what happened. Apparently I left my panties at home that night and wore some dungarees because I was balls-to-the-wall SAVAGE. Here's what I've pieced together, and I remember about 2/3rds of this.

I see a girl talking to some dude. Apparently they are together, as in boyfriend/girlfriend. Yeah.

I walk up, I gently yet firmly turn the girl around to face me, I have a half-smile on my face and I extend my arm to encompass her into my bubble and bring her under my wing. I walk away a few steps with her, smiling the whole way, holding strong eye contact. She sees my nimbus and she can't look away. She literally CAN NOT look away. She's in my world now, nothing else exists.

We start to talk, we're vibing. She smiles, we laugh, it's ON. It's ALWAYS on.

Suddenly, some dude is there on her other side trying to pull her away. I still have a smile on my face as I give him a look like he's retarded and pull her back towards me. Without warning that dude magically splits into a total of 4 dudes + one short midget-like guy who seems to be their leader. I let go of the girl and look at him with a self-amused smile. The midget-leader goes:

"BET you won't do that again."
I think to myself: Betting! I love to gamble. My smile grows from a half smile to a 3/4 smile.
"Bet a million!" I say
"Huh? Bet..."
"Bet a MILLION!"
"BET you won't do that again."
"I'll do it again for a MILLION!"
I have my hand partially held out to shake for a bet, but below my waist, confident and nonthreatening, and non-THREATENED. I'm holding eye contact, ready to play. He had to think I was crazy. He backs up a couple steps towards his friends while keeping his eyes on me

I understand they're looking for a fight.

I look at them, my chest is fully exposed, absolutely fearless, my smiles turns feral and predatory as I size them up. I just went to the gym that day and my back was sore from so many pullups. My testosterone is pumping, my senses are heightened. I feel ready, I feel prepared. I feel like I can take all of them. Each one looks visibly unsure of themselves as I look at each of them in turn. They understand. I'm Alpha.

Just then my friend turns around, ready to fight. The HUGE security guard who I'm super-cool with shows up. They've got my back. My smile grows. I tell them it's cool. I tell everyone it's cool. They back off. Situation diffused. I see the midget-leader later that night and I give him my half smile and shrug as if to say "hey, life's crazy".

Later I ask my friends: what happened? Why the hell were they beefin?

They tell me. Dude, don't you remember? You took his girl right in front of him.

Then i think to myself... wow. That dude was LITERALLY not in my reality at ALL. Like, all I remember is standing there talking to a girl I just pulled over to me and some random guy comes up and starts beefin with me. What the fuck?

I think that's what it is. I think that's what Attraction is.

Attraction is living in your own reality - a GREAT reality - and a reality that others can't help but be drawn into. It's like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, you just don't want to leave.

Cultivate that reality within yourself. Reality is perception. Interpret the world as you see fit and truly believe. 100% Belief in yourself. Not 92% belief. 100% belief. Live in a world of self-amusement where bad-reactions simply do not exist.

Ever wonder why you have so much fun when you're drunk? It's because that social filter that blocks out all of your impulses is removed. Granted you have to come from the right place internally, but most of you reading this are pretty well-centered people. Don't worry so much about that.

Worry about being yourself unapologetically. Expressing yourself. Putting your personality on the line and laughing off whatever happens as a result. LAUGH IT OFF. It's no big deal.

That's it. That's it right there.

THAT is attraction; living in your own reality and enjoying everything that adds to it by reacting to it. YOU are the rock making a splash in the pond. YOU make the ripples. If someone else throws a rock, you throw a bigger rock. Your belief is stronger. 100%.

This is YOUR world.

THAT is attraction.

cheers my dear friends cheers!
West

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There you have it folks.

Being the Alpha Male

noreply@blogger.com (Confidant) — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 03:07:00 +0000

Being the Alpha Male

What does it mean to be the Alpha Male?

For me, this means answering the phone when people call. This means listening to people, connecting with them, being empathetic, understanding, giving feedback and input. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, “why the hell are they telling me this?” And then I remember, “Oh yeah, I’m the Alpha”

Being the Alpha means deciding what *I* want to do and doing it. This means considering all options and making a fucking decision. It also means changing my mind when necessary. This means trusting myself to handle situations. This means having FAITH in myself, not BECAUSE other people do, but in light of the fact that people do.

To me, being the Alpha Male means having the balls to address other alphas; stepping out of my comfort zone and offering the olive branch or the sword. In the end I don’t give a FUCK if you’re bigger than me I will fight to the fucking hilt to protect me and mine. Leader of men. Protector of loved ones. Dominating. Sticking out my chest, shoulders back, head high, chin down – don’t be arrogant, look people in the face, strong eye contact, big smile. Life’s a party.

It’s also important to realize that different people lead in different situations. Leadership doesn’t necessarily mean Alpha. As the Alpha Male, it’s important to recognize when it’s time for others to lead. In fact, it’s necessary – you can’t lead ALL the time, unless you want to die young. It’s too demanding and draining. Delegating is a part of being the Alpha, and that goes hand in hand with recognizing others’ value and letting them shine in their areas of expertise.

It’s also important to realize that you’re dominant, but you don’t TRY.

Trying to dominate everyone is beta, not alpha. Dominating is simply who you are, you’re unafraid and confident. Being the Alpha Male means understanding that there are OTHER Alpha Males. I say "The" Alpha, but there are tons of Alpha Males in the world, and I'm friends with some of them. Alpha Males can come together in alliance and do great things. Be assertive, feel people out, but don’t try to dominate others simply for the sake of dominating. Don’t be an asshole.

Being the Alpha Male means putting myself out there. Putting my personality on the line time and time again. And BELIEVING. It takes 100% belief to do the impossible. “If anyone can do it, it’s me.”

When you’re the Alpha Male, people will seek your approval. People will give you things, make offerings to you. Don’t turn these down. In this book I read, this young courageous Prince felt… bashful, embarrassed I supposed, to be receiving gifts from the people of his realm. His advisor, who was the advisor to his father, told him, “you’re their Prince! Let them treat you as such. They want to give you these things, to turn it down would be the greatest insult to their honor.” An honest thank you will do.

Do NOT let this go to your head.

Remain humble, but understand your ROLE. KNOW YOUR FUCKING ROLE. You are the Alpha, but you are still a cog in the wheel. Nothing works without your people – a chief is nothing without his Indians. Do not feel that you are valuable and others are not simply because you’re the Alpha.

Being the Alpha Male means understanding that everyone has value. It means recognizing that value and facilitating it. It means allowing everyone to SHINE.

Sometimes it means taking people out of their comfort zone. This is what you do, you’re the Alpha Male. They trust that you’ll get them thru it, that it’s in their best interest.

That’s what it’s about in the end – Trust. Being the Alpha Male means being responsible, but at the same time throwing caution and responsibility to the wind. It’s a fun little paradox. You GOT here by being the type of guy that doesn’t give a fuck and lives his own life, and now others trust you to lead them. It’s easy to start giving a fuck.

Don’t.

The key is to simply BE. Be you, all the time. The self is always shining through, so don’t try and block the sun. Don’t TRY to be the leader, because that’s exactly how you fail at it. Don’t always tell people what to do, instead tell them your experience, tell them what you’ve learned, tell them about YOU. Speak in the “I” perspective, not the “You” perspective. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Instead, just live. You’re a guy with standards and rules, and you don’t violate them for anyone. You speak up, you put it out there.

You are not to be walked on.

You don’t tolerate insolence. You don’t tolerate poor behavior. But nor are you the police. Your attention, your presence, YOU are the gift. To quote a wise man named Chariot, YOU are the hero in this story, YOU are the shiny golden treasure. You punish people by taking away that treasure. I saw it on a movie somewhere, but they said that there’s nothing worse in this world than being ignored, and truer words have never been spoken.

You are dominant, this is your reality. You invite others to live in it. Yet it’s of the utmost importance to LISTEN. It’s easy to keep dominating and keep dominating, but many times it’s important to just sit back and LISTEN. People are trying to tell you things and you need to hear them. Don’t judge it, don’t try and be RIGHT and them being WRONG. That’s your ego creeping in, let it go. Let them talk, give it a listen.

Many times I catch myself thinking, “this person has no clue, this person is trapped, this person has nothing but limiting beliefs,” etc. All that may be true, but it’s important to CUT THAT SHIT OUT and just LISTEN.

Sure, take it with a grain of salt, but I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve gained some really deep insights by finding an underlying message that might be hidden within whatever self-limiting bullshit someone is spouting to me. Yeah, this person might be stifling themselves with limiting beliefs, but they hold these beliefs for a REASON. Find out what that reason is, find out what the underlying ‘rule’ is that’s guiding this behavior, you’ll learn something new.

Remember, everyone has value. Find it, appreciate it, and give them some of your value.

The world is yours for the taking. YOU are the bottom line. The sky isn’t blue unless you say it is. This is FAITH. This is 100% BELIEF. Never be timid. Say things with conviction. Believe in yourself. Believe in others. I’ve got a laundry list of things I’ve done that I thought were impossible. Spend enough time around me and you know that if you use the word “can’t” you get a slap on the wrist. That’s one of my rules – don’t tell me anyone ‘can’t’ do anything. Impossible is nothing. FAITH. 100% BELIEF.

That's what Yoda taught Luke, that's what Morpheus taught Neo. That's what every hero has to learn.

That’s what it means to be the Alpha Male. You live in your world. You recognize the value in others, you let them SHINE. You’re a guy with standards and rules. You put yourself out there, and you do it with 100% belief. You know your role, you accept it, and you play it to perfection. You are the Alpha Male. You are the bottom line.

This is YOUR world. Enjoy it;)

cheers
Confidant

SCIENCE: Published work re: social constructs and inner/outer game

noreply@blogger.com (Confidant) — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 03:23:00 +0000

I'm reading a scientific article on personality written by two prominent researchers at the Institute of Personality and Social Research in Berkeley, California. Here's the quote for you:

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"Socioanalytic theory (Hogan, 1996) focuses on the social functions of self- and other-perceptions. According to Hogan, trait concepts serve as the "linguistic tools of observers" (p. 172) used to encode and communicate reputations

This view implies that traits are socially constructed to serve interpersonal functions.

Because trait terms are fundamentally about reputation, individuals who self-report their traits engage in a symbolic-interactionist process of introspection (i.e., the individual considers how others view him or her). Hogan emphasizes that individuals may distort their self-reports with self-presentational strategies; another source of distortion are self-deceptive biases (cf. Paulhus & John, 1998) which do not reflect deliberate impression management but honestly held, though biased, beliefs about the self."

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I post this to illustrate scientific research on the topic of inner/outer game correlations.

Basically they're saying that the language/words we use to describe people's personality traits is madeup entirely to describe our social behavior.

The idea we preach here is basically to get your inner game tight (self-deceptive bias... also known as "delusional self-confidence", "core confidence", etc) and then to go out there and get experience in the field giving value such that our outer game reflects our inner feelings of ourself.

They measure this stuff two ways: 1) is self-reports (inner game) and 2) is peer-reports (outer game). At some point, the two will matchup, and you are achieving self-actualization.

cheers mates,
Confidant

There Are NO Rules

noreply@blogger.com (Confidant) — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 23:25:00 +0000

"There is no spoon."

That scene in the Matrix is such a good one. The kid explains it so simply, yet it's still so difficult to grasp. Don't try to bend the spoon, that's impossible. Instead try to realize the underlying truth: there is no spoon.

All of these social rules are completely made up. They don't EXIST.

I got a great question from a guy, here's the Q/A:

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"Hey Confidant, I've been keeping track of your posts man--you truly are an inspiration. I did have a question for you however. You used the apocalypse opener [note: apocalypse opener can be found on rsdnation.com by doing a search] on that girl, but you knew her from before. Do you think it would work on a girl that you *just* met, as in just walked up to?"
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Let me respond to that with a resounding YES.

In fact, the effect would be exponentially more powerful. I did it on the phone with a chick last night that I'd just met and she was ready to come over immediately.

The only times I've ever had seriously hardcore bad reactions (i.e. slap/cussed out) was when I walked up to girls I already KNEW and did outlandish things.

Now, over the course of a couple months I did probably 10 EXTREMELY outlandish off the wall things that would make you shit your pants. NEVER bad reactions until I did it to a couple of girls I knew who also happened to be alpha females.

The thing about girls you already know is that there is PRECEDENCE for behavior, they have certain expectations from you.

To put it another way, you've already got LIMITATIONS with them.

But a girl you've JUST met, there are no limitations, no expectations. YOU set the tone, YOU are the bottom line. It's only as awkward as you make it. If you act like everything is cool, normal, and 'no big deal', she will too. Especially if you're being discrete.

In other words, in a one on one interaction with a girl you just met, there are NO rules.

cheers,
Confidant

p.s. Apocalypse opener is basically just asking them if they want to come back to your place, but I highly suggest heading to RSDNation.com and reading the entire post about it by Ciaran.

Don't You Know There's A War On? by Ciaran

noreply@blogger.com (Confidant) — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 22:10:00 +0000

This is another re-post by a guy named Ciaran, an employee with RSD who can be found at realsocialdynamics.com, this was posted on RSDNation.com. This post reflects my own philosophies and work ethic. Note: all endorsements are his alone.

Enjoy.

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Ciaran
RSD Staff Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 401

Don't You Know There's A War On?

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You go out at LEAST 3 nights a week, and NO MORE than 5 nights a week.

You approach 5 girls per night, open, then hang in there and escalate in whatever way you can until you get blown out.

After your 5 are done you can do more if you want to, if you're in state or if you're just feeling keen.

But you ABSOLUTELY have to approach 5 chicks. And yes, a group of 5 girls still just counts as ONE approach.

You do 5 approaches a night.

Unless you pull, obviously.

Each approach you play TO THE WIRE. You do not do 'trial approaches.' You play that shit out until you get blown out.

You do not number close.

Yes, you heard me. You cannot fuck a phone number, so you don't fucking take them until AFTER you've fucked a girl.

You do not have a wingman.

Yes, you heard me. You tell yourself it's for backup, but really 90% of the time that 'backup' is just something for your ego to hide behind.

Be merciless with your ego.

Take the pain.

Take it all.

Don't bitch, don't whine, don't complain. Be a fucking man. Take it.

You approach scary sets, impossible sets, easy sets and anything else that looks like it has a vagina.

You go to this website: www.eckharttolle.com

You buy ALL of his audio products.

You go to this website: www.apple.com

And you buy an iPod.

You put NO MUSIC on your iPod. You listen to Tolle relentlessly. Relentlessly.

Whenever you can, you listen to him. You fill your brain with his voice.

You get industrial about this. This is not self-help.

This is self-destruction.

You do this for two months.

Then you take a fortnight off.

Then you do it for two months.

Then you take a fortnight off.

You continue this process.

If you cannot do this because of your job, quit.

If you cannot do this because of your friends, ditch them.

If you cannot do this because of money concerns, drink water when you're out, go to bars with no cover charge and do it anyway.

Or kill someone and steal their wallet.

If you cannot do it because you are scared, face your fear and face it down.

Keep your method SIMPLE and YOURS.

You do not want to be THINKING. Steer clear of 'tactics' based game as you would steer clear of fucking a leper.

Check out RSD's wiki (www.rsdwiki.com) and read the instructor's articles.

Click this link and read the article it links to. http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=11273

If you are looking for a product to buy, buy an RSD product. They are all awesome and all of them will help you massively.

If you can afford a bootcamp, take one. If not, just fucking go out and punch through that fucking wall with your bare fists.

Success is nothing more than pressure over time, so be relentless.

Never accept your excuses.

Push yourself way, WAY beyond your pain threshold.

Be savage with your training, and you will see extreme improvement.

And remember - if you give up on this you are resigning yourself to a life of mediocrity.

Which, to any right thinking man, is way, way worse than death.

Now get up.

Get up now.

Turn your fucking computer off and get up.

Get on your feet. Get out that door.

Whatever time of day or night it is, you get up. Now.

*hands you a rifle*

Get on your feet, soldier.

Don't you know there's a war on?

The Challenge of the DEFAULT... and HEROES by Tim

noreply@blogger.com (Confidant) — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 11:13:00 +0000

I'm reposting this because it captures the essence of a lot of very solid ideas about where you should be coming from. It's a good premise to the piece about coming from the right place. It's written by a guy named Tim, aka Chariot, executive instructor for RSD. This is a post he made on RSDNation, found at RSDNation.com. Enjoy.

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Tim
RSD Instructor Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: right now, everywhere
Posts: 78

the challenge of the DEFAULT... and HEROES

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Hey guys.

First off, its amazing to see all the positive response to the transformations material. Im ultra busy right now so dont get to come in here often enough but to see people really nailing concepts such as what it means to be a 'sexworthy' guy as opposed to the others (and the other 99.9% of the 'community').

The people on this board seem super fucking cool and I hear rumors of hollywood a-lists being a fan of our stuff.

Theres no stopping YOU!

Anyway champs:

I had a quick message from Bayroot that I wanted to share with the board.

Quote:
"Originally Posted by Bayroot
hey man,

if you have time to answer this:

i am similar to you in that i pump emotions and i seem to gain a LOT of attraction when i'm with the girls, they're all over me etc.

HOWEVER, i don't ever seem to keep this attraction. the next time i see them, i can get them attracted and all over me again, but i don't have them chasing me, thinking about me when i'm not there etc.

is this a problem that you have, or even care about? i'm thinking i may be coming off as the fun/entertaining/intruiging guy

thanks a lot dude"

The basic premise behind Bayroots question is that he is SEEKING to PUMP the girls up in order for them to feel attraction. This is fine and works for a little bit. But its also fools-gold-results. I used to do this forever... walk over, game game game, oh they like me... POOF they are gone (in 5 mins, 5 days, etc). And im left sexless most times.

Sooooo. There is no more SEEKING to PUMP the girls attraction using GAME.
That is the old-school. It is also bad for the mans SOUL because it assumes before anything that the GIRL is of HIGHER VALUE than YOU.

Why is she of higher value ?

think about it.

WHY?

I can tell you, Ive slept with and dated a few hot girls in my time. And they aint SHIT... (dont get me wrong they are fucking good) BUT... they are NOT the AMAZING GOLDEN TREASURE OF GLORY THAT WILL CURE YOUR LIFE.

the AMAZING GOLDEN TREASURE OF GLORY IS *YOU*.
You are the hero in this story.
And what a damn fine story this is.

There is not a guy on this board who cant bed a hot chick consistently if he sorts himself out. I believe this 110%.

What if life revolved around YOU ?
not the reactions of some club girl, or girl down the street.

Start ignoring them and focus on YOU.

REMEMBER THIS: YOU are the HERO in this STORY.

Ok so. No more pumping the girls up with game. This is is not YOU being the HERO.

Only the HERO comes off as sexworthy guys because he understands that in this lifetime the buck stops at HIM.

Start being nice to yourself damn it.
Dont beat yourself up anymore - this kills the hero.
Just accept little defeats and move your ass along !

I still do this day think that I got this far because after a failed set (or 100) i would NEVER be hard on myself... EVER. It came naturally because in this game *I* was the hero... not the girl. I just moved on, with a blissful happiness that I was even approaching and moving forward while my chode friends sat and played background.

An experiment for you all...

MISSION DEFAULT:

You must master *this* before anything:

the next set you do... go up like you would your best friend or girlfriend or someone you have know for years and just say a casual "whats up". no movement, no flailing hands in the air or anything - just a "whats up"... followed by long pause (see if they try and meet you)... then "you guys seemed cool I had to meet you".

THE KEY is in the TONALITY (neutral to breaking) as I demonstrated in Transformations. It is SO IMPORTANT.

Thats IT.

this is what I call the DEFAULT. if you cant get them chatting you off this default approach then adding game is only going to look like entertain/intrigue guy.

however if the girls start chatting to you... all good. start building your game from the ground-up by adding some cool pieces seen in transformations or foundations or whatever.

now if they run away (and I mean RUN FOR THE HILLS) it may mean you have to get other things sorted, maybe a cool style (like the guys off transformations)... and work your ass out in the gym. I dont care what guy you are if your not in the gym doing cardio if your fat, or lifting weights to build testosterone (and nice muscles) YOU ARE NOT BEING THE HERO. Get to the gym at LEAST 3 days a week you lazy bitch.

Take care of yourself dont eat all that bullshit food. You are the hero in this story.

Be good....

and REPORT BACK DEFAULT RESULTS

word
__________________
Tim
RSD Executive Coach
__________________

Building Your Avatar: Do Looks Matter?

noreply@blogger.com (Confidant) — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 11:48:00 +0000

Build your Avatar

Hi there!

Today we're going to talk about building your "Avatar". For our purposes, your "Avatar" is basically your appearance - how you physically and visually present yourself; your hair, face, clothes, jewelry, etc. - and all the things that people associate with YOU.

What this is REALLY about is CONGRUENCE.

To make that make more sense: does your outside appearance agree with the person you are on the inside? This is another crucial step in transformation. If you're going to be who you want to be you need to look the part. Likewise, you want to always be communicating your personality to people. What does what you're wearing RIGHT NOW say about who you are as a person?

Right now, i'm wearing some extremely soft cotton basketball shorts and some underarmor boxers. What this communicates is that a) i workout and b) i'm completely comfortable with my body.

But it's more than simply communicating your comfort level (ie sweats vs jeans), it's moreso communicating how you feel about yourself. Some people wear suits ALL the time, some girls wear skirts. Skirt-girls are proud of their legs for instance, and often like to feel sexy. Suit-guys prefer to feel more polished and professional, or just dressed up. Generally i wear jeans, like ALL the time. I also wear funny/unique t-shirts that say things like "I have the pussy so I make the rules", and random unique sneakers.

It's not necessarily about what i'm TRYING to convey, it's more about wearing the things that are consistent with myself. I LOVE to have fun, hence the hilarious t-shirts. I like to try new things and take risks, hence the unique sneakers/shirts. I just like a nice pair of jeans and cool belts. I like my watch cuz i like to know what time it is and i like shiny things. I like having my ears pierced because i think it's cool. In general, i like to have a shitload of subtle details going on at once with my appearance. That way it looks cool at first, but the more you look at it the more you see. Almost like a cool painting or piece of art.

I have two rules that i live by when i'm deciding what to wear:

Rule #1) Wear what you feel confident in

Rule #2) Dress like you're going to be taking home the hottest girl in the venue (and she'll probably be wearing a dress)

The more accessories you have, the better. USUALLY. Jewelry is a great way to convey things about your personality. It lets you wear like 10 things that say something about you instead of just 4. Layering your clothes is another good way to do this. Just buy stuff you like... rings, necklaces, earrings, cockrings... woops!

But for those of us starting out, it's important not to look "TRY-HARD".

Note: buying stuff that is TOO BLATENT, like HUGE EARRINGS can often come off as try-hard (for guys). If the only thing that's cool about your big earrings is the fact that they're big, it's probably try-hard. But if you're wearing them as a JOKE, then it says something about your personality - you don't take yourself too seriously.

So, i would advise learning the way i learned: look at cool guys, alpha males, guys that girls are into, etc. find the parts of their outfit or 'look' that you LIKE, and make it your own. You like some dude's shirt ask him where he got it. "Cool shirt, where'd u get it?" and go shop there. But don't just copy people for the sake of copying them - copy the things you LIKE.

Figure out what jeans people are wearing. Shoes, etc. Look at TV, magazines, whatever. These things are IMPORTANT to women (and to men). In fact, i advise getting some female friends and going shopping with them - or recruit the hot retail girls to tell you whether or not your ass looks good in those Levi's. Details, details.

Details are utterly important, because the moment you have one thing incongruent with the personality you're conveying via your words/nonverbals, it creates confusion for whoever you're interacting with.

I see guys who have ALL the 'player tools'. They dress like stars, they're in good shape, they have nice haircuts, they're reasonably naturally attractive dudes, they have nice cars, nice houses, etc. Yet their game is utterly LACKING.

Instead of being congruent with all these player tools they have, they're afraid to pull the trigger, afraid to be an alpha male, afraid to actually BE the guy that women want. They're satisfied with just LOOKING the part. What all that is REALLY saying about that person (and trust me, girls figure this out pretty quickly), is that the guy feels INADEQUATE without all of those things. He has a low sense of self-worth without all his material possessions. He derives his value from OUTSIDE himself. In other words, he's externally validated.

That's friggin WACK.

Meanwhile, we've all seen that cleancut UNATTRACTIVE guy who has the car, the clothes, *AND* the girl! What the hellllll? Clearly his game is congruent with his look. His avatar is congruent with his personality. It's NOT simply because he's spending all his $$ on her (unless she's a groupie, which DOES happen), it's because he has the confidence and means to have the player tools AND be the player.

Being broke is no excuse. Get a cool haircut, groom yourself. Keep your shit tight. I learned to use my hair-clippers so i cut my own hair. I line myself up almost every day. For me, haircuts are FREE. I pay no more than $10 for any t-shirt i own. $25-30 for button ups, $15-20 for polos, $30 for jeans, $20-50 for shoes, $50-$60 for a blazer. These are at DEPARTMENT stores, i OWN the clearance rack.

Checkout the thrift stores. I pay $3 for my ties at thrift stores. $6 for button ups, etc. It's ridiculous.

Try shit on. Half the time i don't even REALLY go shopping with people, i'll end up somewhere by myself because i insist on trying on my clothes, and this takes forever. However, i basically never have to return anything, all my clothes fit GREAT, and i like how they look. Every purchase is an investment.

Dress to match your body type. If you have no muscle definition you probably don't want to wear a lot of tight t-shirts - i'd go Polo or Button up. You can be skinny, but there's no excuse to not have some muscle definition. If you're a bigger person, don't be afraid to GET skinny - almost all of the 'sexiest men alive' are quite thin. Like ALL male R&B singers are skinny as shit. CUT, but skinny.

Justin Timberlake is NOT big/buff. Ray J is a SAVAGE, and he is NOT a big guy.

And remember - EVERYONE looks good in a blazer.

But meanwhile, there's no excuse not to get in shape. GET IN THE GYM. Commit to working out 3 days a week. Just DO IT. Ask yourself, what would an alpha-male do? He'd fucking work out. Working out should be congruent with your personality - you should be a guy with rules and standards. If you have standards you wouldn't let your health get out of hand. Working out also gets your sex drive and testosterone pumping. Girls can SMELL this shit.

Changes won't happen overnight, but remember, it's consistency of ACTION that's our goal. This is a LIFESTYLE.

Now listen, after saying all that it's important that you understand that none of that actually MATTERS.

This game is amazing because when you're conveying your personality, nothing else matters but what's inside YOU. You can be fat, ugly, gross, living with your mom with superman bedsheets on a bunkbed (actually that sounds kinda cool...) in a DIRTY house with no furniture. Whatever, none of that matters. I know of guys who have pulled girls back to such shoddy living arrangements and made it happen. I know UNATTRACTIVE FAT guys who have porn-style 3somes on a regular basis.

HOWEVER, they are working VERY HARD to do this stuff, or at least a lot harder than they have to. You don't have to work that hard.

Having your Avatar in order definitely helps. When you have all those other things working against you then there's that much more personality you have to convey - that much more game you have to spit. When your Avatar is congruent with your personality, your Avatar does the talking for you.

I can tell when i'm dressed right (congruent) because i can roll up to ANY girl and she'll immediately open right up.

And i don't want to hear "i don't give a fuck" as an excuse. You really don't give a fuck about yourself? Well, who the hell wants to date a person like that!

What would an alpha-male do? He'd take care of himself.

cheers!
Confidant

Ego Theory

noreply@blogger.com (Confidant) — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 07:00:00 +0000

One of the first steps to starting the process of transforming yourself is taking stock of your self: Where am i now, where do i want to be?

What would you rate your self-esteem at on a scale of 1 to 10? A "zero" would basically be suicidal.

Self-esteem can fluctuate. Right now i'd put mine at 8 or 9, because i'm thinking about all the projects i want to work on and having a hard time making progress, and self-esteem seems to be tied to feelings of success and accomplishment of goals. There are basically three different types of people in the world:

1) Low Self-Esteem (LSE)

2) 'Average' People

3) High Self-Esteem (HSE)

Remember those two questions from the beginning? Well, "Where am i now?" tells us your Actual Self. "Where do i want to be?" tells us your Ideal Self. The difference between your Actual Self and your Ideal Self is your self-esteem. i.e. if you feel like you're a piece of shit (Actual) and you want to be a piece of platinum (Ideal), you'd clearly be LSE.

Here's a nice picture to illustrate this: The person on the top is LSE, middle person = 'Average', bottom person = HSE. The scale from 0 to 10 is their self-esteem, "5" on the scale is average - right in the middle.

What's funny is that the 'Average' person you'll meet in this world actually thinks they're a little below average. In other words, the self-esteem of the average person is actually, BARELY, a little low - people tend to be think pretty poorly of themselves.

Now, there is something that gets in EVERYONE'S way and stops them from reaching their full potential. It's a three-letter word that represents everything BAD in social dynamics:

Ego.

I've realized that people will essentially do EVERYTHING in their power to protect their ego. In fact, they've even done psychological research which shows that people engage in "ego protection." Yes, my dear friend, you do it too. Virtually every time you get defensive, guess what you're defending? Your ego.

But why does the ego even exist? What is its purpose? What *IS* an ego anyway? I'll tell you.

The ego is basically the FRONT we put up, it's what we want others to see when they look at us. The ego is our public face. So it's your ego that makes you brag about stuff, that makes you get into arguments because you don't want to lose or be wrong, that makes you ignore people's criticism because if you listen to what they say it means there's something wrong with you.

Essentially, your ego is there to protect your fragile feelings and your self-esteem. It looks like this:

See that? To the outside world, many times the typical LSE person will seem normal because they put up the FRONT that they're normal. Likewise, the 'Average' person you meet in this world always seems to have SOMEthing good going for them... hence their ego is above average. The HSE person can often come off as cocky if their ego gets out of hand, because they can actually back up most of the smack they talk.

Now, we've all heard people say things like "you're afraid of success" and it doesn't make any sense. I mean who the hell is afraid of success?! I love success! If anything i'm afraid of failure.

Well, they got it half-right. Ever competed against someone and then you beat them and they say "you only won because i wasn't really trying" ? We all have. In fact, many of us are guilty of saying that same thing - we only lost 'cuz we weren't trying. That right there my friends is our EGO rearing its ugly head.

We're afraid because if we really try, and STILL lose, then our ego is CRUSHED.

And our ego really, really doesn't want to die. So what are we to do? Our egos are holding us back, keeping us from really trying... There's only one option

DESTROY THE EGO

It's a 2-step process:

1) Make your primary goals ACTION oriented, not OUTCOME oriented.

Egos are concerned with failure, but if your goals are to take action rather than to achieve outcomes, it's a lot harder to fail. So my goals are to TRY HARD (action), rather than to gain something (outcome). Don't try to lose 20 pounds, instead try to go to the gym and work hard 3-4 days a week.

2) Make your secondary goals LEARNING oriented rather than COMPETITION oriented.

Egos are concerned with comparing themselves to others, and COMPETING to feel better than others. That's why you want to win arguments, brag, etc. Rather than trying to win (compete), instead I focus on learning the most I can (learn), especially from other people. Don't try to get in better shape than your super-fit friend. Instead, ask them how they got in such excellent condition. How much better do i get at things when i learn what my would-be 'competitors' would do to win?

Unstoppable.

I used to be a LSE person. Then i managed to take action and transform myself into an 'average' person. Now, thru consistency of action and learning, i can proudly say i'm HSE.

Destroy your ego, take action, and watch your world turn on its head. One day you'll look up from all the actions you've been taking and realize you've come farther than you ever thought possible.

cheers,
Confidant

"Do YOU Have the Pre-Screening Vibe?" by Manwhore

noreply@blogger.com (Confidant) — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 11:34:00 +0000

I'm reposting this because i thought it was a valuable article. It's credited to a guy that goes by the name "Manwhore." Enjoy.
--------------------------------------------------------------

I saw too many guys last night just settling. They'd walk up to a girl, say a few words, she'd show her approval by letting him dance with her. They were.. happy with that?

Wow. What awesome communication. We definitely can see who the prize is here. But don't be mad at the girl.. if he wants to fit that role then let him. Just not the way I see it.

All girls are Chuck E. Cheese munchkin heads.

When they pipe up you bop them. On the head. Lay your hand down over their forehead or head first so you can cushion your own blow. When they all start chiming in at once it becomes difficult to figure out which one to bop first. Do your best. You will know if you get it because the jackpot siren will go off.

Sure you can adopt a neutral purely social attitude with them. But why not instead start shaping the interaction with her from the beginning as one of you being the screener.

Focus on what you want from a girl, how you want a girl to act, and try to go out and find it. It's pre-screening. You're walking up to see if she fits your expectations. That's why when you say "Who ARE you.." and you're congruent with it, it's so powerful. You can say it to girls all night.. if you mean it, they will answer.

One little cutie tries to tell me she's an ICU nurse and that if I'm getting into medical sales she's a good person to know. She's really trying to make an effort here. I keep asking her to repeat herself because it feels so good the way she comes in real close to me and whispers in my neck. Tickles. I switch her to my other side and ask her to tell me again.

Let's not look at it like how we're going to display value to them- how we're going to "give value". Of course that's what you always want to be doing.. but you need to be value.. not always worried about showing it, because if you’re worried about if you’re showing value or not- well you’re reaction-seeking aren’t you. This means that you shouldn’t go up trying to think of something funny to say.. just demand attention and BE

A two set of little blond girls is running around being hot shit. They're cute. I'm there. I poke them both and demand both their attention into me. I forget what I say.. doesn't matter because my focus of thought, my awareness is not on what I'm going to say next. I'm not sure exactly what it is on, but it's not on that.

I tell one of the girls I like hearts. She has hearts all over her little jacket. I tell the other something. They start volunteering stuff to talk about. They tell me they're cousins. I tell them whatever and yell to my buddy to tell me if they look like liars to him.

They both pull out their I.D.s and hand them to me. I take a look, get confused 'cuz gawdamn they both have long ass names. They show me and I get it. I hand them both back the other one's I.D. It almost works too dammit. I pause for a second. I tell them "So you guys are cousins.. I just don't see us getting into a threesome then."

As Ciaran says "The way I see it.. there's no point fucking around when you're fucking around." Think about the consequences of that statement.. genius broheime

They say no, it couldn't happen. I tell them yeah too bad and rub the bad finger off on both of'em. I hear the stronger one say to the other, "I've never had a guy..."

I talk to my buddy again and then pull them both tight into me, double claw to their faces in my neck. I like girlies..

A girl's trying to talk to me, I lose my train of thought with her when I spy my buddy's beer. I grab it and try to balance it on my dick for the next 30 seconds. Can't quite get it but good effort. I look up, her and her girl are still standing there.

We're going through the club totally just kickin' it. Dancing like male strippers, posing, having a good fucking time. I get opened a lot, sometimes girls just watching me, or pretending they'd meant to grab their friends. Michael Jackson comes on in the patio area and I start dancing, girl giggles and pokes me. As I walk by a girl taps me on the shoulder, my momentum carries me right past her. I turn around to look at her, she pauses and very confidently beckons me over to her. Haha. I walk up and she pulls me in, lol. She tells me that I am a very attractive person. I pause, then tell her thanks. I think she's slightly startled by my lack of response. I tell her I like her tattoos. I tell her I might lick them later.

A girl might “give” you something- volunteer sexualness, you might feel the pressure to meet that expectation, continue it along. Don’t. Maintain your frame, if yer not feeling especially naughty or frisky, then don’t bother.

Awhile ago I started noticing, even posting about it a couple times, the dynamic- as I perceived it- of girls opening guys. It was when they were minding their own business, having fun- or maybe not even having fun- just off in their own world.. that they’d get approached. Most nights it didn’t happen at all. I think it’s got a lot to do with not needing anything from anyone, not putting off that “I’m on the prowl” vibe, and having fun by yourself for yourself.

But be sure to give them the opportunity. Be a fun open guy. Don't project any kind of negativity, or apprehensiveness. Don't appear intimidating. Girls are wussies. You gotta be havin' fun or they won't be comfortable.

You subtly communicate to people the kind of guy you are. It's in your face, your eyes and body language. Keep your value for your own, it doesn't change because you're in a new situation with new people- don't change your subcommunication, always give yourself permission to be the same person. You are static, not a roller coaster of emotions and value. High value has a lot to do with consistency, recognizing value in others, appreciating it- and maintaining your own while continuing the interaction. When trying to "figure out" what to say next, have you ever just listened to what was being said..? Sex will come, it is alway there, hanging in the air. Hanging out after the club is natural, her following your lead is natural, sex is natural. Be a dude with standards for behavior, be social, be relaxed without feeling a pressure to perform, this shit will come.

FR: Taking a Day Off (12/13/07)

noreply@blogger.com (Confidant) — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 11:51:00 +0000

12-13-07

Yesterday I “took a day off” and didn’t do any real gaming - didn't 'practice my art'. Didn’t work on anything at all, just relaxed with my sister and hungout with a girl friend. I failed to open a set at the happy hour spot we were at. Why? Felt mildly uncomfortable perhaps… wasn’t in my ZONE. I could totally picture myself going up and opening them, I had it down pat, I simply didn’t execute. Why not? I think maybe I figured it might be inappropriate with my sister there. Lame excuse. Who knows?

I think what it is is that on one level, a part of me is afraid to fully commit to this. To transforming, to becoming this new person, this Hero. It’s probably one of my last inner demons I will do battle with before my final transformation: face yourself. My old self must truly die in order for me to be reborn again. We’ll see.

Tonight my friend offers to have some ladies come thru. I'm down, but i was in my writer mode and writing about Group Dynamics. It was more important to me to finish what i was working on than go shower/etc. "Later for the girls..."

This was B-A-D.

It got me in some frame of mind where i TURNED IT OFF. I took a couple steps backwards toward my old anti-social self. And it showed.

Later when we went out after this club, i saw a HB9/10 girl outside of the club. A bunch of bums were around asking for change. Something clicked in my head and i walked over to her,

"excuse me. Could you spare 25 cents?"
My hands were in my pocket, i took it out and held it out. She looked at me and smiled as she dug in her purse for change for the REAL homeless chick who asked her for change. I was taking the interaction nowhere. I smiled and plowed.
"I'm trying to hustle up an Old E"
This was exactly what the other bum said to me. It was hilarious... She just smiled at me. I plowed more.
"No? How about this, my car broke down and i'm trying to get gas money..."
She's laughing now. At this point i should've asked her name and escalated. I didn't. She walked away, i smiled and turned my back.

Damn.

Damndamndamndamndamn. I was afraid to commit to the interaction. I didn't even TOUCH her. I didn't really feel any FEAR, i think my fear suppressant system still works and keeps that shit down, however i was still STUCK and didn't make my move. I didn't commit to the interaction, i was satisfied with just making her smile. I didn't PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER.

Shame on me.

Then later we see some friends we know. We roll over to them, one of them is a girl who's number i got a week or two back. She's hot. I re-open her, but i'm TIMID. What the hell is going on here? I'm totally being reactive to my environment and not redirecting the conversation. Instead, i'm engaging in other people's conversation and trying to dominate from within.

Now, this technique can and does work, but it's not the best. AND it's harder to do. I said to her,

"Come give me a hug, come be warm"
"I'm not that drunk tonight..."
Now, i SHOULD'VE said, 'you don't have to be drunk to be yourself around me', which is what i always say, and it even POPPED INTO MY HEAD...and yet, i hesitated AGAIN, and didn't say it. I KNEW that she needed attraction spikes and frame dominance. Instead, i closed my arms like a good little chode and tried to dominate from within her frame.

I was staying alive... barely. THEN my friend goes:

"Are those real?"
"what, my boobs?"
"No, your shoes"
"Uh, yeah... actually i think i wore these last time i saw you"
I pulled her close to me and said, "Aw, it might be time to get some new shoes ;)"
She took a step back with astonishment on her face, i recognized this was a self-esteem issue with her so i took the edge off:
"It's ok, they're still cute;)" I pull her back in for the hug. GAME ON.

Her friend comes over, she's totally the alpha female. Dominant. I read this right away and re-calibrated my opener to make it alpha-nice friendly. She goes for it. Well played.

I talk to the other friend, she's cool, friendly. For some reason i'm totally in rapport mode and so i'm just connecting with these girlz. At some point i'm walking my girl back to her car. I'm now clawing her in, my arm around her shoulder. Much better. However, i totally should've cavemanned her against her car and madeout with her. I failed to pull the trigger yet again.

Instead, we're in rapport, BSing about random stuff, where she's from and her past. I'm sounding TOTALLY chode UNTIL i add value by telling her my own stories related to hers. This works out much better and she opens up more and even asked me more questions. The evening is coming to a close and i leave. I text her to get home safely, and tell her that if i catch her in those shoes next time she's gonna hear it. She loved it;)

Lessons Learned

-You can't take a day off, you can't turn it off. This is who you are. TRANSFORM.
-PULL THE TRIGGER, ALWAYS!
-Plow and escalate, you'll catch your rhythm
-Oh, and when you're having a group of girls follow you home, one of you needs to get in their car!