In my life, there is almost NO consistency. Which can be awesome for spontaneous journeys or trips and fun nights-in doing silly things with my daughter and husband. But it can also be an absolute pain in the butt when it comes to the simple things in my marriage like who is cooking dinner, or who is picking our kid up from school or even who is going to be home that weekend!

 

To minimize the chaos (and keep us both semi-sane), my husband and I have LOTS of conversations about these things that most people would already know well in advance because their life is… well, consistent!

 

This has been a learning journey for both of us and it’s gotten better as we’ve grown and found out more about ourselves and each other. This is especially true around us setting and honoring boundaries and being really clear about them.

 

When our boundaries are clear, it’s a lot easier to manage the other stuff.

 

This episode is really about how to set boundaries like a Buddha – saying no and making requests while standing in your power, being clear, compassionate, and full of love… and NOT trying to control people, which can be a really “sticky” part of this.

 

One thing to understand when setting healthy boundaries is the concept of “The Manual.” This is all the expectations we have of how we want others to behave in order for us to avoid being uncomfortable.

 

You may not know what’s in your manual until someone isn’t following it. Then suddenly you’re like “Oh, shit. You’re not who I thought you were.”

 

Well, it would be more correct to say, “I had certain expectations and thoughts about you that are no longer valid.”

 

Not sure what your manual looks like? You can start by asking yourself some of these questions whenever someone stops following yours:

    • How did you expect that person to behave and why?

    • How would you feel if they behaved in that way?

    • Do we want them to behave like that, even if they don’t want to?

 

(Head to BoundariesTraining.com for a free training I did to explore The Manual more)

 

What’s important to remember about the Manual is that trying to control people does not work. Trust me. I’ve tried it.

 

We also need to remember that we are all completely 100% loveable as we are. And when we accept that, we can stop putting so much weight into how others behave because we don’t need that external validation to experience worthiness.

 

What about healthy boundaries vs unhealthy boundaries? Healthy boundaries come from a place of accepting the other person gets to be who they are instead of trying to force them to act a certain way so you can control them. It’s really about what we do in a situation where we wish that someone else wouldn’t act how they are, and also accepting that we cannot control or change their actions ourselves. Not legally anyway.

 

Healthy boundaries aren’t for the little things, like your partner not putting his dirty socks in the laundry basket or the way your friend tells annoying jokes that you find boring. The truth here is that they can do that and we can focus on managing our minds so we can get over it.

 

For real.

 

A healthy boundary protects your physical space, health, and safety and your emotional / mental space, health and safety. It’s for the bigger things. This is REALLY important to grock, because there’s a difference between protecting your emotional space and not wanting to be uncomfortable.

 

We also see this come up with people who invade your space like coming over unannounced all the time, or who verbally abuse you when you talk to them.

 

We are also seeing this come up a lot these days in how people with differing values have to navigate their friendships, family relationships and community with boundaries around their preferences for COVID mitigation, right?

 

Here’s another super important point: healthy boundaries are focused on YOUR actions, not on making someone else behave a certain way. It’s about what YOU do if someone violates your physical or emotional space, health, and safety.

 

It’s, “If you come over unannounced, I won’t answer the doorbell even if I’m home.” “If you yell at me, I‘m going to leave the room.” 

 

Let’s say you’re someone who does not want to hang out indoors without a mask on. You can tell a friend, “If you want to hang out inside without a mask on, I’ll have to decline, or I can suggest something outside for us to do.” 

 

Your boundary should also be something you will follow through on. Often, we create a situation by not enforcing our boundaries, and yet we blame the other person (BTW this is not applicable to situations like IPV where enforcing boundaries can literally be life-threatening – more on that in the pod). Think about the parent who constantly threatens a kid but never follows through. Adults respond the same way a kid does if they think a boundary won’t be enforced. They will push it and not take it seriously.

 

Some people ask me if they have to actually tell someone about a boundary they have. This isn’t always necessary, but it can be helpful with clear communication. Other times, you can just keep it to yourself. Trust your inner wisdom on this and remember that the boundary is for you.

 

In this episode I also give you 5 questions you can ask yourself when you see the need for a boundary to help you set up and maintain a healthy boundary.

 

There’s a lot more in the episode, but here’s the final thing I want to say about boundaries here:

 

None of this means we can’t make requests. We can say “Do you mind picking your dirty socks up and putting them in the laundry?” “Could you cook dinner twice a week? I’d love that.” 

 

But we cannot make our emotional well-being dependent on whether people meet those requests or no, because I really really want you to be putting your energy towards things you can control (which is not other people). They can love you and NOT want to do that. Or even NOT love you and want to do that! Those are separate things. 

 

Trust me. When you can set healthy boundaries – when you can say NO from a place of self-love and compassion and calm – you are saying YES to your inherent worthiness and love-ability which is already yours 100%. You’re saying YES to the life you were meant to live.

 

So, get out there and set some boundaries so that you can spend your energy on creating an amazing life – and NOT on trying to control other people’s behavior!

 

Life is too short for BS like that, amiright?

 

 

In this Episode you will learn:

// What The Manual is and how to identify it in your life and relationships
// 5 questions to ask yourself when setting a healthy boundary
// The difference between a boundary and an ultimatum
// What is “worthy” of a boundary vs something you could make a request for (and how to deal with it if they say, “No thanks.”
// If and when to tell others about your boundary
// How to enforce a boundary from a place of love and compassion and not anger and resentment

 

 

Resources:

// Check out Episode 16, How to Improve Any Relationship 

 

//Want to know more about how to create boundaries like a Buddha? Grab my free training on how to set boundaries that actually work – and how to do this from a place of kindness and compassion. www.BoundariesTraining.com

 

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

 

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.

I get asked a lot where the name for my podcast, “Rebel Buddhist”, came from. Often people will say, “Wow – I can’t imagine a rebel Buddhist with like guns, or weapons – isn’t that the opposite of Buddhism? Isn’t that a kind of…oxymoron?”

 

And I’m thinking, “That’s not exactly the definition of ‘rebel’ that I had in mind.”

 

Here’s where I’m coming from:

 

My main motto is, “Free Your Mind, Free Your Life.” When you free your mind of the things that no longer serve you, the freedom you experience in life also follows. But freeing you mind requires a new, radical way of thinking. You really need to go against the way most of the world thinks. And against how the brain works when in its default mode.

 

If you search for the definition of “rebel,” one says a rebel is, “a person who resists authority, control, or convention.”

 

And that’s exactly what you have to do to create a life of freedom, adventure and purpose: go against convention. Conventional ways of thinking. Of definitions of success – and how to get there. Of what to prioritize.

 

Now, I’ve often said that I’m a really good rule follower. But that’s really only true when the rule makes sense to me. I question all rules because in my own spiritual practice I’ve been trained to question all my perceptions and ask, “Is this true? Is this real?” I’ve been trained to question everything. And to consider that the way I may see things might be inaccurate.

 

That I should not follow convention “just because.”

 

And I‘ll admit: I kinda like breaking the rules that don’t make sense.

 

I think we should always question the rules, the status quo, conventional thinking.

 

I believe in freedom, and I especially think it’s important to question those that try to control us or claim infallible authority over us.

 

So yes, I see mindfulness practices, thought work, learning about how our minds work, and all this work as a revolutionary and rebellious act because it inherently requires you to question and resist doing things “just because.”

 

One of the things that I find we need to question and resist is this idea that our happiness comes from outside of us, and that we aren’t inherently worthy and that we need more more more to become worthy, and that because we are flawed or imperfect, we need to look outside of us for wisdom and answers.

 

Yeah – f*ck that.

 

Today I’m calling B.S. on that rule. We don’t have to look outside of ourselves to find the answers to the very personal, intimate, deep questions that shape the trajectory of our inner and outer lives.

 

Many of us are so used to looking outward for answers that we often only feel confident when someone gives us the recipe. We’ve forgotten the capacity for our inner wisdom.

 

What I’m really saying here is that you don’t need no stinkin’ guru. You already are creative, resourceful, and whole. You already have Buddha-nature within you.

 

Now, I’m not saying that you NEVER need a teacher or a mentor. I’ve had amazing teachers who really helped me and never abused their role and power in our relationship, and who helped me realize my own inner wisdom. I always work with a coach. I have my spiritual mentors I meet with regularly about my practice. But the difference is they don’t imply that I “need” them – I am working with the because I like it and like using their “recipes” and tweaking them to make them my own.

 

I am learning more and more about the depth of our inner wisdom and inner healer in my fellowship in psychedelic-assisted therapy and studies with MAPS. This intelligence is the innate ability and wisdom to move towards a wholeness and wellbeing, and it is a natural and innate capacity to heal and grow that we all have.

 

In this particular therapy it is essential that we understand and trust that it is that inner healer – not the therapist – that guides the healing process.

 

It’s like healing a laceration. If you come to me in the Emergency Department, I can remove the dirt and debris and help create favorable conditions for healing, but I do not cause the healing. The body does.

 

The body spontaneously attempts to move toward healing – and so does the psyche.

 

The existence of that inner healer and your relationship with that internal source of wisdom and power will outlast any spiritual practice. And when you tap into your ziji – that radiant inner confidence – you will know in your bones that you can lead a fulfilled and healthy life and that you have the wisdom to get you there.

 

I do want to mention that while trauma can impact how accessible the inner wisdom is, it does not damage it. The right guide can be very helpful as you learn how to access that inner wisdom, particularly with trauma.

 

AND – having a guide who walks next to us and helps us access our inner wisdom is something we can all benefit from. So let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater.

 

Let’s keep in mind that if we feel having a coach or a mentor is an important piece in our life, remember that you do not “need” them to move forward. You have what it takes to do it yourself because you are already creative, resourceful and whole. So check that relationship and take back your power. See your own inner wisdom as an equal.

 

You can enjoy having support and guidance AND appreciate and honor your inner wisdom.

 

This does means you “need” to do it alone. Rather, it is essential that we know and trust that we have the capacity to know what we are meant to do, and that we own the progress we make as our own.

 

That’s actually what ziji is all about! A radiant inner confidence in our capacity to grow, heal, love, flourish… to do ALL the things.

 

This innate wisdom of ours is most easily seen when we stop resisting life as it is and start to accept that we are exactly where we are supposed to be right here and right now. Then we can more authentically discern what is right for us.

 

So how can we start cultivating this inner healer that we all have? I go into more detail about this in the episode, but we can start by learning how to listen to it and how it shows up for us. We can look back on times we listened and times we didn’t listen and reflect on what happened.

Remember, you are the medicine. You are your own guru.

 

In this Episode you will learn:

// What a “Rebel Buddhist” actually is (IMO)
// Why it is so hard for us to trust ourselves
// Why it is dangerous to not trust your inner wisdom
// How to find a good mentor/teacher/guide
// What our inner wisdom is and how to access it
// How to use your ziji to guide you in big life decisions

 

Resources:

// Check out my blog post on How to Choose a Life Coach

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.

“Work is love made visible.”

Beautiful, right?

But for a lot of us, it might also sound like a load of bullsh*t.

After all, work environments can be super unhealthy, both in their culture and environment. And I know that a lot of you Freedom Junkies want to have freedom of time, money, energy, and location, but your work place may not offer that.

You’re not alone. These days there are a lot of messages that tell us that the only way to be really happy and truly free is to quit your job and become an entrepreneur.

Is this true? Well, it’s an option…

BUT – and this is a big BUT – no matter what job we have or who we work for (even if it’s ourselves), there’s always one thing to follow us around. Our brain!

And within our brains are our thoughts and beliefs and, therefore, a huge part of how we experience the world. Including our work.

ALL of the hard things can be very real for us. But how we experience and interpret those things is largely dependent on our perceptions and thoughts and beliefs about it. And many of our beliefs are patterns – like our inherent worthiness (or lack there of), a scarcity or abundance mindset, an empowered or helpless locus of control – and are beliefs that we carry with us everywhere we go.

So, if we leave our job and start our own business or find a new company, if we don’t do the thought work to address how we experience life and our beliefs that drive how we feel and act, then that negative view of the world will continue.

This episode isn’t do much about if you should stay in your current work situation or leave- check out Episode 29 for that.

Today’s episode is really focused on those who are working, no matter what type of job or who you’re working for. It’s also for parents, caregivers, and householders working for their loved ones.

Today is for all of us, because work is a very intimate thing that we all do.

This is why I want to explore: How can we take this huge part of our day (and our lives) and turn it into something … sacred?

I’ve found one of the best motivators for work and for having meaningful work is whew we can start to see work as an expression of love.

David Whyte says, “work is intimacy and discovery.” He says it is a part of ourselves, and with the right work and the right relationship to that work, we can be at home in what we do – and offer our gifts to others, which is a natural human longing.

Surprisingly enough, we don’t have to have a “perfect” job for this type of mentality to be true. Sure, doing work that aligns with your values helps a lot (there’s a lot less thought work that has to be done;), but you don’t have to wait for it to be perfect before you feel good about it.

I remember my uncle, who was a janitor. You might think that no one loves being a janitor, and that may be true in a way. But I know he loved his family and providing for them. He loved the students at the school he worked at. He made jokes and laughed while working. He infused his work with love, and his life was a lot more meaningful for him as a result.

Now I want to be clear: this is NOT about settling. This is not about being OK with a toxic situation or an unhealthy environment.

It goes back to Shantideva’s quote that I love: “If you can change something, why be unhappy? If you cannot change something, why be unhappy?”

So by all means, let’s work on helping our external world align with our values. AND, in the meantime, let’s have less suffering a lot more meaning in our lives. Again, you don’t have to wait to get started on this.

Let’s take a vulnerable look at our work and what motivates us.

“Work is love made visible.”

If this was true for you, what would that look and feel like?

For me, I feel less burnout. I don’t see my work as a burden. Instead, I can see how everything I do helps me express this love I have for my fellow humans.

This has been true for me in all kinds of jobs. From coaching or refugee work to being a New York Times paper girl or working in a beauty supply shop.

No matter what you do, no matter how far-reaching or however small, how can you make it so your work is “love made visible?”

It can be how we create something at work, how we interact with others, or how we impact the physical place that we’re in.

Life is too short to be feeling bitter or resentful or bored most of our day, just waiting for it to end.

That’s not how we were meant to live.

So of course, continue to align your inner and outer life. That’s that we do in Freedom School. AND – whatever work you’re doing in this moment, find a way to help it be love made visible!

In this episode you will learn:

// How we can bring more meaning into our work – whether you already love it or not!
// How you can love and not settle at the same time
// What a better motivation is than fear of failure

Resources: 

// Check out Episode 29, Should I Stay or Should I Go? 

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com It’s not too late!

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, now is the perfect time to join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.

I have a lot of Freedom School students who come to me stressed out and anxious because they have no idea what their life purpose – and they’ve been waiting a long time to figure it out.

They have a longing – as we all do – to know what and who and how they are “supposed to be” in this world.

I know it’s totally cliché to for a life coach to be talking about life purpose – but it actually makes a lot of sense because it creates a lot of suffering for people when they don’t know.  It’s also why I’ve always focused on helping people get clear about this. After all, is there anyone who hasn’t wondered what their purpose was?

There’s a lot of talk about people being born with a purpose and that all we have to do is discover it… like some mystical quest or vision. Then, suddenly, everything will become so clear, the burden will be lifted, and you can start to DO.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but that’s not quite how it works.

I’ve tried everything before: fasting alone in the wilderness for days… taking various psychedelics… doing coaching, journaling, programs…

Sure, I’ve gained insight into my purpose, but I didn’t just wake up one day with an AH HA! I ahd to also get clear through experimenting.

I’ve also learned that when my clients discover their purpose, they often realize it was right in front of them the whole time.

Why? Because we already live our purpose in our everyday lives. We just don’t see it because we have this expectation of what it should look like, feel like, or what it will be like to discover it.

Instead, all we “discover” is distress because we have a deep longing to live our purpose and still don’t know what it is.

Years ago, as a full-time midwife, I was also growing my coaching practice. I knew that part of my purpose was to help people live fully and with meaning.  To live intentionally, in alignment with their values. And I loved doing it.

But I loved catching babies too! I thought these two were totally disconnected, but a psychic told me (yeah – I tried that too;), “you catch babies, you are the FIRST person they see – you are the first to look into the baby’s eyes. You can help them know their purpose at that moment.”

And how true was that? Turns out: very (more on that in the pod).

The more I’ve studied how humans discover their purpose, the more I believe we are born with the ability to see our purpose clearly.

We are all here for a reason. And so we are all important.

You are needed in this world, and if you do not fulfill your purpose, something would be irrevocably and missing from the world.

A lot of people feel this kind of inquiry into our unique purpose is very ego-driven and “wordly” and has nothing to do with spiritual growth. I beg to differ.

So, what does finding purpose have to do with Buddhism or the dharma… or any spiritual practice?

Most of us are not enlightened yet. We live in a relative reality that uses sensory perceptions and our brain to drive how we feel and act, moving around in this goddess pod of a body doing this human experience thing with a perception that we are separate from all that surrounds us. It is said that enlightened beings, on the other hand, don’t “escape” that relative reality. Rather, they have one foot in relative reality, and another foot in the ultimate reality of emptiness and oneness.

Those of us who are living mostly in relative reality long for fulfillment because we are humans, we have a body and a brain that work a certain way, and there are parts of our psyche that we need to attend to while having this human experience, and not abandon them.

When we don’t attend to this very human longing for purpose and meaning and instead try to transcend it altogether, , we feel distraught, anxious, unsettled, maybe even hollow or angry or…unworthy.

I believe that if we dissociate from any part of our wholeness as a human, we will experience suffering, imbalance, and division within us. We aren’t supposed to be attached, to what our purpose is “supposed” to look like and what life is “supposed” to be like – but we can enjoy life and the fulfillment of living our purpose!

It’s not purpose-finding that’s the problem. It’s when we get attached to what it’s supposed to be/look like.

Now, the trick to discovering your purpose will requiring not so much learning new things, but rather the unlearning of many societal a nd cultural norms you’ve been taught to believe are unquestionable.

Unlearning how things are “supposed to” look like. Unlearning the boxes we’re put into. The rules we’re “supposed to” follow.

Our purpose can be expressed in many different ways. For me, it has been expressed in being a midwife, a life coach, a climbing guide, and more. There was no “right way” for me to bring my purpose to the world. So we need to unlearn what we think it is supposed to look like. We need to remember that our purpose is not the same as the delivery system.

How do you know if what you’re doing is your purpose or if it’s just what you’ve been taught to believe? I talk a lot about this in the podcast, but I take you through a process that Martha Beck taught me called The Three N’s: Notice, Narrow, and Name. Notice what lights you up. Narrow those down to the things that light you up the brightest. Name that thing.

Remember, the path will never be 100% happiness. That’s just not life. Life has it all – the contrast of experiences; and that’s natural and nothing has gone wrong if it isn’t all joy.

But even when it gets tough, following your own path, your own purpose, has meaning.

So what is that for you, rebel? Find that… and then DO THAT! Trust that you’ve always known it. It’s right there.

In this episode you will learn:

// Why it’s so important to find your purpose
// How to not confuse your purpose with the delivery system
// The 3 N’s to finding your purpose without all the confusion

Resources

// Check out Episode 63 on the first noble truth: suffering and the different types

// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course – and we have only TWO spots left before we start in October! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com If you see this after registration has closed, you can get on the waitlist for the next one because it is going to be the experience of the YEAR for the people who come.

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.

I’m currently caught in the middle of a fairly common decision: what fun thing do I want to do this weekend? If you have FOMO, you know you can spend some serious energy debating all the options: outdoor music, road trip, camping with friends, and outside of a pandemic, which party/band/event to go to.

 

Lots of times, when we have a decision to make, we sit and debate because we want to make the “best” choice. But really, sometimes we never know what the “best” choice is until we’ve made the decision and start living it. And lots of times, making that decision is straight-up exhausting because we really really really want to get it right.

 

Then there are moments where you’re less caught between options and given fewer choices. And these – interestingly – are usually easier.

 

Barry Schwartz, psychologist and author of The Paradox of Choice, talked about living in a culture that assumes more choices is better. What his research shows is that having lots of choices is actually a sort of curse on our happiness!

 

He divides people into 2 categories: those who, when faced with many choices, try to maximize their gain, and those who satisfice (satisfy + suffice) by accepting the first available option to meet their criteria.

 

Now, satisficing isn’t a new idea… but it basically means that when presented with a decision to make, someone will first consider what they want to gain/preserve, then evaluate their options to find the solution that meets those needs.

 

Between the two, maximizing is a form of perfection… and we all know how stressful that can be. There’s even a Maximization Scale that assesses the degree to which people engage in behaviors to try to get the BEST result with the BEST possible option. Research with this scale shows that there are also positive correlations between maximization and depression and regret, too.

 

Then, after all that stressful work of trying to make the “best” decisions, maximizers are usually less satisfied with purchasing decisions AND are more likely to engage in social comparison. The root of this seems to lie in experiencing regret.

 

This is true whether maximizers have to make everyday decisions or big decision. Maximizers may be able to narrow down options, but if there are multiple choices that could be great, they freeze and can’t make a decision because… what if it’s wrong? Enter: Analysis paralysis.

 

The problem with wanting to know it was the “right” decision in advance is that in addition to the fact that we don’t know until we DO the thing, most of us can’t predict the future. So we will never know. After the fact, we still don’t know what all the other options could have brought – even though we like to think our imagination is always right 

 

In contrast to maximizers, we find the satisficers. They aren’t “settling” for less than what they want. They also don’t just pull a choice out of a hat and say LET’S GO! They just approach the decision-making differently.

 

Why bother with finding out if you maximize or satisfice? Because they relate to your happiness – and happy people tend to satisfice!

 

Us perfectionists may find this hard to believe, because we think our high-standard obsession will make better decisions, which SHOULD equal happiness. But really, we may miss out on a good opportunity when we keep waiting for a better one. And we usually are not ultimately happier… we just end up more stressd and regretful.

 

The thing is, regret is a decision! WE get to decide whether we made the right choice. WE get to decide to stop comparing options and wondering, “What if?”

 

So what’s a maximizer to do? I got into lots of things in the podcast, but some starting points are: 

 

// Outline your key criteria for success FIRST. What is it you want? Get really clear about this and make sure your criteria are objective so you know if something meets it or not.
// Choose the first option that satisfies that criteria. (gasp! I know, right?!)
// Then once you’ve decided, don’t look back. Don’t waffle. Focus on the positive aspects of the choice, not what “might” have been.

 

Remember that we all have a limited capacity for decision making on any given day. Don’t overdraw on that decision-making account baalnce, because that diminishes the quality of the decisions you make too.

 

The bottom line is this: it’s important to change our thinking that when we don’t explore all the options, we will end up settling.

 

Choosing something that meets your key criteria and the key things you want is not settling.

 

When you practice satisficing, you can be happier in the long run. You will have more energy and clarity for those big decision-making moments too.

 

And if you need to, practice satisficing this week with little things then work your way up to bigger decisions.

 

Remember – regret is a choice. Don’t let it rule your life. Get out there and satisfice!

 

In this episode you’ll learn:

// The key differences between maximizing and satisficing
// Why too many choices can be a bad thing
// How to make decisions and avoid regret
// Why satisficing ultimately makes you happier than maximizing
// Tips to get started satisficing today

 

Resources:

// Check out Episode 69 on Defining what is “enough” for you

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.

I’m no stranger to anxiety. In fact, I’ve dealt with it most of my life. And I’m certainly not alone in this… some people just have a genetic predisposition towards a more sensitive nervous system, which puts us on high alert more than others. But then add to that my own traumatic life experiences and sometimes it’s like anxiety launches off in a rocket ship.

 

Over time, I’ve learned to manage the physiological aspects of anxiety with better sleep/nutrition and consistent exercise and meditation. But now I have found that when those moments of anxiety arise, I don’t wonder if I’m overreacting anymore. Instead, I ask myself, “What is the anxiety telling me about what’s going on right now?”

 

Now, I use that anxiety to gauge if I’m living in integrity and alignment with my values. Because what I have noticed is that when my inner life is off balance, my outer life is definitely affected.

 

For me, when I’m not in alignment with my truth and my values, I feel hollow inside. I feel that sinking feeling and my heart feels restless. I can’t sleep as well, I am quick to lash out or exaggerate truth, and my body tenses up.

 

So is something wrong? Yeah! But it may not be external. It may be that I’m not embodying my truth.

 

So what is that truth for us? Often we think it’s some special calling for our life, but maybe that truth and our purpose is really just taking something that you value – something that is critical to your life – and bringing it forth. And if we aren’t living that purpose, then we begin to suffer… we lose our integrity.

 

This is very real. Research has shown that when we live in integrity, we are better at maintaining good health. Studies have linked deception to physiological stress response, like increased cortisol, high blood pressure, and a decreased immune response. And the more significant the deceptive behavior, the worse the effects are.

 

This means that a big part of living in truth and integrity is being honest. Not just with others, but with ourselves.

 

Today I want to challenge you to show up as your true self without lying. You can start small, like saying no to a cookie or a treat when you know the sugar isn’t needed (because we’ve all said yes just to “be polite”). You can stop undermining how much something costs so you don’t have to make others feel strange about how much money you spent.

 

Doing these things will make you uncomfortable. Because living in integrity is a rebellious act. Being honest is counterculture because we are taught to do what is needed to make others comfortable. But living YOUR truth will shake sh*t up!

 

Something important to note here is we have to live our truth with wisdom and compassion. Because for many people (especially those that society has unjustly deemed “less than”), truth can lead to aggression, violence, and persecution. So remember to be safe and smart.

 

At the same time, when those fears of isolation or persecution rise up, take an honest look at them. Sometimes our fears are bigger in our minds than what would happen in reality.

 

Remember at the root of this is that we are talking about your truth. What others value is always second to what you value. YOU determine your truth. YOU determine how to act on it.

 

Continuing to live and speak your truth does get easier over time. And you will begin to reap the fruits of the work with a freer, lighter life. Like they say, “The truth will set you free.”

 

In this episode, you will learn:

// How living out of alignment affects you physically and spiritually
// How to know if something is your truth or not (it can be hard to tell!)
// When speaking your truth might not be OK
// Pitfalls to avoid when living in integrity
// 4 strategies to align your outer and inner life

 

Resources:

// Check out Episode 58 on How to Manage Anxiety

// Check out Episode 33 on Living in Alignment

// Check out Episode 7 on Knowing Your Values

// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com – applications are now open and we’ve got a great squad coming together!

// If you’re new to the podcast, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.

Today, we talk about adventure and being devoted to it.

Adventure is essential to our evolution.

When I was a child, I would get soooo bored. I was an only child in a poor neighborhood that had so much gun violence I wasn’t even allowed to play in the front of the house because of all the drive-by shootings…let alone walk to a friend’s house.

I made a promise to myself that when I grew up, I would never—ever—feel bored again.

While this promise ended up creating a full-blown addiction to adventure, what I didn’t expect was that adventure also helped me along my spiritual path in surprising ways.

Adventure is a very personal word, and my definition of adventure doesn’t have to be yours

You can feel adventure when climbing a mountain; you can feel it overcoming a physical challenge like a marathon, or experiencing an illness like cancer; you can feel it when you risk your heart to be with your soul mate. I even feel adventure when I go to a new city, check out a new restaurant, try a new yoga pose, or learn a new skill. Or, more recently, move to a new state.

Good ol’ Merriam Webster defines adventure as:

1: an undertaking usually involving danger and unknown risks
2: an exciting or remarkable experience

Adventure often involves risk – but not necessarily danger. It can be very self-limiting to confuse the two.

The main take-home is that adventure includes an element of something out of the ordinary.

Definitely not routine.

Definitely not boring.

So why exactly is adventure – and the risks we take with adventures – important to our evolution?

When things get too familiar or routine, our minds grow dull, and the negative thought patterns and limiting beliefs that we all have are harder to break.

Things feel more permanent and real. We think we have “proof” that they are permanent and real because nothing seems to be changing.

But this isn’t true.

They only appear to not be changing because to be efficient, our brains prefer to travel down the same neural pathways and do things the same way they’ve always been done.

Therefore, we do the same thing, and we get the same results.

Nothing changes.

Then we say, “See! That’s how things really are!”

When we think things are static, that’s when we think we don’t have a choice. That’s when we suffer and get stuck. That’s when we give up.

It becomes the Same. Old. Sh*t. Every day.

Adventure helps us get unstuck. And it is essential to your evolution.

In This Episode You’ll Learn:

// What being DEVOTED to adventure looks like
// How adventure changes our brain
// How to live an adventurous life on your own terms
// Things you can do to bring adventure into your life every day

Resources:

// For the geeks, you can check out the 2011 study by Ben Fletcher here.

// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com – applications are open now

// Learn more about Kahea and what they do to protect Hawaiian land – and please consider donating to this important indigenous cause. Check it out here.

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.

This week’s pod is all about how to fail – and do it well… and fair warning, it’s got some tough love in it!

Now, many of us give up too easily and we complain about our perceived failures way too much, right? And we both know that what I teach is all about freedom –  to free your mind and free your life.

The thing is: avoiding failure – having low failure resilience – is costing you your dreams, success, growth, learning, and expansion!

When I see someone who is afraid to fail and not willing to take action (because a main reason why people don’t take action is fear of failure), I see something amazing that is being put off, or that might never manifest. When I see someone indulging in excuses, blaming or pointing the finger I see no benefit – just that we are staying stuck.

So today is about how you can increase your failure resilience. One of my superpowers is seeing what’s possible for people, especially when they can’t see it for themselves. And I really see a lot of people quit too early on their dreams. Many of us want to get out of debt… want to get healthy…want to have a more meaningful career… want better mental health…  But we also often want it to be easy! We want the result, but don’t want to do the work. Or at least not do it when it ends up being more than we expected.

We’re afraid of the journey because it’s probably going to be painful. But we ALL have been there. AND… we were born ready to fail! It’s like babies falling over and over when they learn to walk. They HAVE to fall – its part of the learning. And think of where we’d all be if we gave up whenever we failed a bunch of times in a row. None of us would walk or eat. For realz.

So even though the grit is innate in us, somehow it gets deconditioned. We start to worry about what people think. We think failure is a permanent part of who we fundamentally are, and that it somehow defines our worth. And we’re even taught to avoid it, like in school when we’re taught that a failing grade somehow means you aren’t good enough.

Learning how to fail starts with changing what failure means. Instead of it meaning something about who we are, about our worth, it can be just an example of the thoughts we have about a result we create. “I failed” is a thought. Not a fact, no matter how much we think it’s a fact.

I don’t care if you got divorced. Didn’t get the job. Weren’t accepted to the grad school of your choice.

It’s not failure unless – until – we think of it that way.

The next step is to figure out how to get it done. And how do we do that? By taking action.

Sure, there are places in life where it might be helpful for an expert to tell you what to do or give you the answers. But you can’t wait for someone to tell you when it comes to the really important decisions in your life. That’s all you. And we have to do things to get clear. To get unstuck. Otherwise, if we’re just “deciding” about something, we are just avoiding the possibility of failure.

And you can’t have a major life shift without doing. Clarity through action. Learning through action. And yes… that means lots of failure.

Remember: failure is not factual. Failure is a result we created with action or inaction, and “feeling like a failure” is the result of a thought we had about a result we created, which is totally optional.

So saying, “I failed” is actually a thought. It feels like a fact – we didn’t get the job. We weren’t accepted into the program. We didn’t get pregnant. We filed for divorce.

Those are facts. Failure is a thought. 

So, are you all in on your dreams?

It’s one thing to be asked, “What would you do if you could not fail?”

But it’s a whole new level when you’re asked, “What are you willing to do even if you know you’ll fail?”

That’s what I want to talk with you about today.

“What are you willing to do even if you know you’ll fail?”

Then do that. Go for it. Try. Don’t be confused. Pick something. DO it.

Then if it doesn’t work out, do something else or do it differently. Tweak it.

Go out there, rebels, and find out what’s possible for you.

In this episode you will learn:

// What failure actually IS and why we’re so afraid of it (hint: it’s not what you think!)
// Why we must fail in order to succeed, and what happens when we avoid it
// How to increase your failure resilience 

Resources:

// Check out Episode 18, How to Coach Yourself: Applied Mindfulness

// Check out Episode 62, Commitment and How to Take Massive Action

// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com – applications open soon

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.

This past weekend was my BIRTHDAY! Normally, when it comes to celebrating a big day in our lives, my family goes exploring or takes a wild trip somewhere. So when my husband asked me what I wanted to do and I just said I wanted to go to our yurt and relax, he was more than just surprised. He didn’t even quite understand the concept. 

 

To him, doing nothing meant doing something mellow.  

 

After settling into the yurt, I decided I’d love to drive out to one of my fave restaurants in a small town nearby, since I love having other people cook for me and not having to do the dishes 

 

But when we walked to listen to some live outdoor music, I felt it… 

 

THE WALL. 

 

I hit the wall and suddenly felt so tired. 

 

I left my husband and friends to dance the night away and went back to the yurt and let myself have some downtime. It felt like such a luxury – to sit around and not have to do anything – not have to write or do laundry or study or read scientific journals. 

 

I just sat there and listened to the rain – which started right when we pulled back up to the yurt. I remembered the need for this started well before I was exhausted too – like week back. Oops. I had put it off for too long.  

 

Ideally you don’t want to wait until you’re exhausted to do nothing because it’s actually a great technique to keep you from getting exhausted and to keep your mind, body, and creative juices flowing. 

 

Now for those of us who have serious FOMO (fear of missing out), it can be hard to reign that sh*t in. We say, “Yes!” even when we’re already exhausted because we want to live life to the fullest. We don’t always understand how people could sit around and do nothing. 

 

But a business coach of mine offered this alternative way to see it: when we do nothing, we create the space needed so our brains have a chance to download new concepts and we can later get really creative and come up with some of our best ideas. I was ALL ABOUT it (because I was doing something while doing nothing;). But as I started to practice it, I realized just how much I needed it for so many other reasons. 

 

Y’all, this recharge time is essential. Not just because your brain will be able to come up with amazing new ideas, but because we also notice some things in the quiet still moments that we might not have ever noticed otherwise. 

 

True – it isn’t always pleasant. Sometimes we notice our anxiety. Our fear. Our anger. The tension. Perhaps that’s why a lot of us don’t want to be still. But those are things that tell us our life is out of alignment and we need to change things up. This is good to notice. 

 

But we also notice the trees. The rain. Our hands. Our body. Our place. The birds. We are present with our life as it truly is. 

 

Doing nothing CAN totally be a waste of time (this tends to be what boredom really is), but it can also be an art form.  

 

Italian culture has a phrase, “l’arte de non fare niente.” This means, “The art of doing nothing.” Leave it to the Italians to have that phrase! 

 

We may think we know how to do nothing, but when I started trying this, I had no freaking clue what to do when there was… nothing to do, so I want to give you some tips that might help you become a master at this, and I dive into them in the pod…including how to incorporate sensuality. 

 

The Real Test: How do we incorporate this into daily life?  

 

It’s one thing to do nothing when you’ve intentionally set aside time, but being able to do nothing on the daily is a lot trickier!  

 

Practice doing nothing when you’re waiting. That’s right – no book. No phone. Practice when you’re in line at the doctor’s office or when you’re at the airport. You can also practice while driving because how many of us get in the car and immediately turn on the radio or call a friend or listen to a podcast (thank you for listening though!)? Answer: a lot. Try…just driving.  

 

At first you might feel like you’ll spontaneously combust. But you won’t. 

 

Remember, l’arte de non fare niente takes practice. It’s the art of doing nothing, and like all types of art, we get better at it by practicing. 

 

I give you all sorts of tools to use to get better at this in the pod. 

 

In this episode we cover:  

 

// Why we need to do nothing in order to do really cool sh*t
// The difference between doing nothing and being bored
// 7 tips to master doing nothing
// Ideas for sensual ways to make doing nothing more enticing (no batteries needed;)
// Jedi-level nothingness 

 

Resources:

// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com – applications are open for the next cohort! Retreat spot? Hawai’i!

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.