In 2016 the members of the music group The Internet announced that 2017 would be the year that each member of the group released a solo album. Fin by lead vocalist Syd came out in early February, delivering on much of the singing and songwriting that I love about The Internet, but striking a more studio feel on the production-side, missing much of the great instrumentation provided by Syd’s bandmates.

This instrumentation is not absent from Steve Lacy’s single “Deep Red,” from his solo album Steve Lacy’s Demo, due out on February 24th. Lacy’s bouncy guitar licks would fit well behind the Ike and Tina Turner Review, while the synth and drums save it from being a throwback, firmly placing it next to my favorite The Internet songs like “Dontcha”, “Get Away”, and “Palace/Curse.”

As of this writing, I’ve played “Deep Red” about 40 times in a row. It makes me excited for the other solo efforts from this supergroup, and reminds us that while Syd may be the lead, she is not the group’s only star.

This is my first blog post in a long time and that’s part of the problem.

What is the problem, you ask?

A social media mystic that I follow and admire Maryam Hasnaa (@ThatGirlHas) sometimes abstains from social media when Mercury is in retrograde, so I asked for her advice:

@thatgirlhas I sure hope so. I’m fasting from meat and social media during the #MercuryRetrograde in #Virgo. Any advice?

—  @FreedomReeves August 29, 2016

My advice is always the same. Listen to your intuition. Follow your heart. https://t.co/eLSoi32ubx

—  @thatgirlhas August 29, 2016

Most people hear about Mercury retrogrades when it comes to communication errors, travel delays or technology issues. These are a part of it, so leave the house earlier, follow up on that email and back up your computer. Mercury retrogrades are also a time to review, reset and revise. It’s not the best time to start new things, which is interesting, since no less than three new professional endeavors start for me during this period. However all of these things have been in the works for months, so this isn’t so bad.

I’ve known for a while that I want to change certain things about my life, including the way I communicate and express myself.  I’ve taken breaks from social media before without announcing it. I haven’t been on my personal Facebook account since the summer of 2014. I once deleted all of my Instagram posts and didn’t posted for four or five months. I wanted to evaluated what I posted and why, and also, I found out that a guy I barely knew had dozens of pictures from my Instagram saved on his phone. I was creeped out by this but he wasn’t, and showed them to me proudly.

Twitter, however, is the one outlet I haven’t been able to shake. I’ve always loved the conversation-based nature of Twitter. It is like real life.  On Twitter you connect with people based on conversation, their perspective, and/or how they chose to express themselves. Twitter isn’t perfect by a long shot though. It’s the only major social media platform that doesn’t have “hate speech” as an option in its reporting system. Because of its lackluster monitoring and reporting systems and how easy it is to remain anonymous on Twitter, it has become a playground for hate spewing. As a black woman, much of this hate has been directed towards my identities. I follow people pretty careful so I don’t see a lot of it, but Twitter also has a car-crash effect on people. When some people see awfulness, they decide the best course of action is to make everyone who follows them see this awfulness as well. I kind of get it but not really.

I also realized that a lot of the writing I should be doing, I was using Twitter for instead. If you are Twitter user @_zolarmoon, also known as author and exotic dancer Aziah King, this can have epic results. This has not been the case for me. Twitter has become my barbershop. My dive bar. I say stuff and I’ll get a like here, a retweet maybe, but it’s not a space where I feel intellectually challenged anymore. I can tell that I am hungry for intellectual discourse because I’ve been engaging more on Twitter in situations where I would normally keep scrolling. If Twitter is like a cocktail party or a barbershop on a good day, it’s like a rally of extremes on its worst days, to the point when even using all of the components of respectful discourse that I know- using “I” statements, commenting on the statement/issue, not the person, etc- I’ve gotten some pretty nasty and dismissive responses, especially from those who see themselves as Twitter popular.

It’s not something that has escape me either. I also feel like certain conversations don’t reflect where I am in my thinking or processing, but I just ignore them. So what am I really using Twitter for, then? I use Twitter for the following reasons:

1. Low-risk social interaction. The downside is that low risk also equals low reward.
2. A replacement for writing. This is a huge issue. I see the number of gems that people give away on Twitter and I know that I’m guilty of using Twitter to post thoughts I’m too lazy to develop in longform.
3. News and events. Twitter is great for this, and often breaks stories before any media outlet does. Twitter is truly a form of media in this sense. I wonder if staying up-to-date on all of the news is helpful though. Does knowing about each and every act of  injustice and inhumanity galvanize or paralyze? For me I suspect it’s more of the latter.

Not only am I “fasting” from social media during the Mercury retrograde (August 30-September 22), I’m going to direct more energy into this blog and to the writing component of Highwater, the email magazine (almost a year old) and podcast (since April) I’ve been working on. I’m looking forward to having this blog as a personal journal, and not worrying about branding, click rates, subscribers and shares. I’m returning to the spirit of what personal blogging is about: Thinking out loud to find community and dialogue.

In addition, I’m going to devote this time to being more social in the real world. I get out with friends a couple times a week, but I an terrible at check-in calls and texts. I thought this would improve a little when I no longer had Facebook as a shortcut to staying in touch, but all that happened is that I’ve forgotten to contact certain people. I’m embarrassed to say, I’ve also flat-out forgotten certain people. Part of this I suspect is what depression has done to my brain, in that it is easier for me to remember someone if I have a negative emotion associated with them. My hope is that my break from social will help me accomplish this as well.

I’m also going to use the time to get my spiritual house together. I suspect that I use social media to drowned out certain voices and intuitions I haven’t felt like facing. I don’t believe I can do this for long and I’m harming myself in the long run.

In summary:

• Between August 30 and September 22 I will abstain from casual use of social media. I will still have social media updates for this blog and Highwater that will go out during this period. However, I will not be checking my social media or responding to social media messages during this time.
• Instead of using social media, I will update this blog regularly.
• I will actively reach our to people I’ve lost touch with via phone (preferred), email or text.
• Time I normally spend on social media will be spent on self-care and developing my spiritual practice, which I will also share on this blog.

If you are interested in doing a fast with me, leave me a message in the comment section or holla at me if you know me like that.

Since the last time I posted on Freedomreeves.com, I’ve done the following:

• Deleted all my photos from Instagram (I’ll explain why in a future post).
• Wrote a post on Medium about why Kendrick Lamar’s call for self-love shouldn’t be dismissed as being “new black” (gosh I hate that phrase. Seriously. Again, if I have the strength, I’ll write about why in a post).
• Had several breakthroughs/breakdowns related to teaching (I’ll explain in a future post, and in more detail, in a memoir one day).
• Created a sisterhood of women who believe in a feminine-centered approach to health, wellness and spirituality (another post, perhaps another blog).
• Have decided to embark on a creative project, and made some serious life changes in order to do so (as for when I’m going to make with the details, if your guess was “…in a future post,” you is right!).

In the meantime, to inform my latest creative project, I’ve been looking at several short films (*HINT*). My research will continue, but I wanted to share some of the short films I’ve been enjoying lately.

The Crush (2011) by Michael Creagh. Running Time: 14:58
I first saw this short as a compilation with the other Oscar-nominated live action shorts of 2011. This tale of a schoolboy’s innocent crush on his teacher is simple, powerful and has a great dramatic twist.

This Is It (2013) by Alexander Engel. Running Time: 2:56
Funny and clever, with excellent direction, it manages to sum up all the effery that comes with having a roommate in under three minutes.

The Black Hole (2008) by Phil and Olly. Running Time: 2:48
The shortest short on my list so far, it is also the most haunting. See what happens when a man finds out that one of his copies is so much more.

The Purge (2014): The Morning After by Johnny Ray Gill. Running Time: 5:57
By far the funniest short I’ve seen in this batch. Actor, writer and filmmaker Johnny Ray Gill takes a hilarious perspective on a pretty effed-up concept (The Purge= A day when any crime can be committed without punishment) by asking the question: What happens the day after?

Dinner with Holly (2014) by Josh Crockett and Daniel Sinclair. Running Time: 10:36

Mature Content and Language. This look at how one couple plans to deal with the mundanity in their sex life has some great unexpected laughs.

Your turn: If you know of a short that I just have to watch, please let me know in the comment section or on Twitter.

Thanks to Shorts of the Week for the majority of these shorts. Thanks to Youtube for the rest.

Through the help of educators on Twitter and the hashtag #FergusonSyllabus ((https://twitter.com/search?q=%23FergusonSyllabus&src=typd )), I was able to create an impromptu lesson plan for my English and Video Journalism classes. I had each student fill out at KWL chart ((http://www.eduplace.com/graphicorganizer/pdf/kwl.pdf )). The chart has three columns. In one, students wrote down what they knew about what is happening in Ferguson. In the second column, they wrote down what they didn’t know, and in the last column, at the end of the lesson, they were to write what they had learned.

I decided to start with a video that told the basics of what happened ((https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQ4Je_8dp70 )), along with a great segment that Melissa Harris-Perry had about the “No Angel” comment that New York Times writer John Eligon made about Michael Brown and respectability politics ((http://on.msnbc.com/1t3qpcI )).

The reaction from my students ranged from pseudo-apathy, the kind of void in affect that often results from how much death and loss that most of them have experienced in their short lives, to outrage. Some of my young people hadn’t heard about Michael Brown’s murder at all, or only knew that there were real “savages” in St. Louis (erroneously lumped in with Ferguson) who were burning cars. I should note that “savage” is a popular slang term among my students. They’ve called me “savage” as a compliment, meaning, someone who’s doesn’t care what others think. I always correct them with both the literal meaning of that term, as well as its connotation when used for people of African descent.

I’m fortunate to work at a school with a Black nationalist ethos, so it was also a topic at our weekly assembly. The Vice-Principal let me get on the mic and talk to the students about why people are organizing to cancel Black Friday and/or have dollars redirected to black-owned businesses in protest. Had I more time with my lesson and my time on the mic, I would have shared the below information with my youth.

Three Reasons to Cancel, Boycott, and/or Black-Out Black Friday:

1) A story in USA Today from October ((http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/business/2014/10/26/holiday-spending-retail-spending-christmas-nielsen/17784409/ )) said that mass retailers were depending on the minority dollar, particularly the African-American one, to bring holiday retail spending up from last year. While it won’t have the impact of a year-long boycott, like the Montgomery Bus Boycott, hitting retailers on the day of the year that they hope to end “in the black,” will send a much-needed message.

2) As one community member said in “Black Owned,” a documentary that students in my program produced, having a strong, local economy will lead to communities that are not only self-sufficient, but self-policing. Watch the video below or click here to watch it on Youtube:

3) I love a good deal and nice things as much as the next person. I also recognize that at times of injustice and mental discomfort, there are other, more productive ways to deal with those feelings then cutting in on community and fellowship with loved ones to spend money on things we really don’t need.

Below are some resources for shoppers who want to support black-owned businesses this Friday, and year-round (UPDATED- 11/27/2014):

An awesome list by beauty blogger extraordinaire Afrobella- 101 Black-Owned Businesses to Support on Black Friday

A Scribd list created by Instagrammers @NaturalPartnersInCrime – Black Friday/Cyber Monday Holy Grail Shopping List 2014 

A list of Black-owned business in Chicago (not sure how updated it is, but it was posted in 2013).

When I log on to Tumblr or Twitter nowadays, useful, fun and inspiring content is being replaced by venting gone viral. I see responses to people who say things like “You’re cute for a black girl, are you mixed?” or any other example of plain social ineptitude, tinged with colonized non-thinking and poor manners. While the shares and retweets abound, I find myself unable to relate.

I don’t have people around me who say things like that (at least to my face), and this is by design. The vice grip I have over my attention and social life may have downsides I’ve yet to see, but the upsides are clear: In a given day, the amount of stupidity I encounter is minimal. Definitely not enough to make me retreat to the internet for a meme, t-shirt, tweet or Tweetgram that properly sums up my frustration. To an extent, I have created my reality. Brené Brown reminds us that truly open people aren’t people without boundaries. On the contrary, these people know how to set boundaries with others, which allows them to be open and vulnerable.

Since the last time I wrote a post on FreedomReeves.com, I’ve deactivated my personal Facebook profile (I still have a public page for this blog). Removing this one demand on my time and attention has made me more aware of where my attention goes, both on and offline. Before I deactivated my Facebook profile, I was critical of myself. Almost a billion people around the globe are on Facebook. Who am I to set this boundary, and step away from the constant stream of other people’s thoughts, interests and life events?  I wondered if I was missing out on anything by not being a social free-for-all, by vetoing 95% of the people who ask for my attention, both on and offline.

We all have this veto power, and should use it more often. When we are children, we don’t have control over who is in our lives, but we gather information. We sense how we feel around certain people. Unfortunately, if we feel bad vibes more than good, we become comfortable with them and visa versa. Good vibes and positivity can feel false, fake and undesirable. In our teens and 20s, we continue to receive tests in the form of people who mirror those who hurt us when we were children. We may still accept them as normal until one day, we can’t take it anymore. Or, we get a glimpse into the life of someone who is not experiencing these struggles. We may not have a template for healthy, nurturing and productive relationships, but we believe they exist. So we begin the work of creating them for ourselves. We start healing our wounds. We forgive others and ourselves for not knowing better.

Then, we are called to practice. We encounter others who represent our still-healing wounds and we are called to respond: Yay or nah? If we say “nah” enough to those who dishonor us, who create disorder and pain in our lives, or those who simply add no value,  eventually the Universe will get the message. We have learned the lesson, and these people will stop coming into our awareness.

Some time after we strengthen our ability to lovingly release people based on behaviors that are not in harmony with who we are, we can start practicing this with energy. Vibes. Feelings we often don’t have words for because this form of communication existed before words. Our feelings are the most primitive form of communication. We developed them before sight, speech, hearing and so-called “logical” thinking.  All “logic” calls for is something that can be tested against a set of objects, individuals, principles or events. In the context of relationships, logic calls for evidence to support why we feel something. If we feel like someone is unsafe, logic requires that they do something to make us unsafe before we decide. If someone is not honest, logic requires that person to do something dishonest before we can say they are so. While it is unfair to label people without evidence, we don’t need these labels to make decisions about people.

Vibes are different from preconceptions. Preconceptions exists in our heads. Snap judgements that are based on tangibles, like what a person is wearing or where they are from. Vibes, however, are felt, usually in the heart, chest, or stomach area. It’s the sinking feeling we get when someone makes a mean-spirited joke and says they are just kidding. The term “mean-spirited” has the word “spirit” for a reason. Words have energy too. This is why they can be felt by us in a way that is separate from their content.

Systemic disrespect to our personhood demands attention and action. The interpersonal slights, nicks and digs from others, however, should only garner enough attention so we can recognize that our individual work is not over. A great amount of hardship and pain can be avoided by trusting the vibes you get from people. We are all operating on different frequencies.It’s your duty to trust the uniqueness of who you are. You aren’t for everyone and not everyone is for you. Until you learn this lesson, you will be tested on it.

Sunday night, I was watching TV at my mom’s house when she came in, demanding that I change the channel.

“Turn it to the Billboard Music Awards! I want to see Michael Jackson’s performance.”

I paused. Michael Jackson died in 2009. I heard that there would be a Michael Jackson tribute, but I assumed that it would be done by other artists. I soon realized that even the King of Pop was not excluded from the Tupac at Coachella/Jem and the Holograms treatment.

We sat there, speechless, as an image of something resembling Michael Jackson bounced across the stage like a Windows screensaver.

The performance ended, the cameras panned to non-celebrity members of the audience (The celebs were hopefully as horrified as any other person watching at home), and my mom, the same woman who has every Michael Jackson performance recorded on VHS, got up and said, “You can change it now.”

I imagine that the performance will be one of those things we never speak of again, much like when I took her to see Wolf of Wall Street on Christmas Day.

The performance reminded me of why I balk at the idea of expecting accountability from corporations for making ethical decisions when it comes to almost anything, especially art and media. A corporation is a person whose only legal obligation is to be profitable. These are the same corporations that are trying, and succeeding, at creating a premium-based system for the internet, privileging content providers with big money over the everyday internet celebrity, or even sporadic bloggers such as myself. Record labels who sign young rap artists that brag about adding to the ever-increasing number of gun-related death in Chicago, giving them bonuses, moving them out of their neighborhoods, and blasting their death wishes on the radio and YouTube. We won’t even get into media representations of the marginalized. Every show starring a black woman, a transwoman or a person with a disability begs not only attention and praise, but the question: Why is this still an issue?

Any time you wonder why your favorite show doesn’t have people of color in its cast, or why you have to pay extra on your internet bill to get access to Youtube, or why your favorite rapper never gets radio play, just think of screensaver Michael Jackson, and remember: Money talks and thinkpieces walk. If it doesn’t make money, corporations won’t do it.

When blogger Karyn Washington died of depression (I put it this way because depression is a disease that can kill, suicide is just the way it happens), the sadness I felt was stifling. The tragedy created an opportunity to talk about how depression affects young women of color, but I was overwhelmed by the inaccurate and potentially harmful information and opinions about suicide and depression that were being spread. I had reservations about exposing my personal struggle with depression in TheRoot.com, but I decided to for three reasons:

1. “Shame Needs Silence to Grow” (c) Brené Brown.  I realized that I still had some shame about my experience with depression when I had second thoughts about using my real name, as opposed the “Freedom” moniker I blog under.  I realized that if the purpose of the piece was to reduce the stigma around depression, I had to use my real name. Hiding behind a pen name would reinforce the idea that depression was something to be ashamed of. I had fears about what it would mean for people to Google my name and see the article, but anyone who would reject me based on my honesty about the help I sought to stay alive is doing me a favor.

2. To Save a Life. When I wrote my first post about depression for #NoShameDay, dozens of people reached out to me saying they had similar feelings to the ones I described, and a few people asked me how to find a therapist. After losing my friend Sarah*, I vowed to never keep my experience with depression secret. To this day, I wonder if Sarah would have killed herself if we’d had a chance to talk about it.

 3. To Honor The Lives I Couldn’t Save. I wrote TheRoot.com piece the same week as the 10th anniversary of the night my friend took her life. The Thursday before the piece went live, I was still going back and forth about whether to reveal so much and use my real name. As I mulled over a draft of the piece, I got a Facebook Message from a friend who was on my RA staff in college, the same one Sarah was on. As the initial pleasantry-filled blue bubbles appeared on my screen, I got the same sinking feeling that I had that night, ten years before.

“I hate that you have to find out this way…” he typed.

Before he finished typing, I knew. It was another member of our staff. Another friend. He was dead, and I knew what killed him. I threw my iPad on the couch and wept.

I tried to imagine the pain our friend must have been in to take his life, knowing how horrible it is to lose someone this way, and was strangely relieved that I struggled to empathize. The night I called the suicide hotline in 2012 was the last time I had suicidal thoughts. Even when I had them that night, Sarah’s passing was my totem. Never, no, too far, I said to myself. Why wasn’t that image of Sarah’s funeral, the one that is basically seared to the roof of my skull, enough to deter our friend? Even as someone who has been in those dark places, it’s hard not to feel cheated and angry, and even indignant when those places claim someone you love.

I hope that the piece I wrote for TheRoot.com will pull back the curtain so people could see how Depression, the con artist, works. It amplifies the bad and clouds the good. It can make you take drastic measure to relieve the numbness. But, most importantly, it’s always wrong.

*Names in the post have been changed.

This post is a part of the “Freedom Teaches” series, where I post my reflections on teaching video production in the alternative schools of Chicago. 

“The Corner” is a recently restored documentary about the early days of Chicago’s Vice Lords street gang. Filmed in 1963, it is astonishing in both what has changed since that time for many young black men that get involved in gang life, and what has not.

httpv://youtu.be/5gjsXBsHupQ

The voices narrating the piece are from members of the Vice Lords themselves. These voices note challenges to their well-being and livelihood. Gangs (or clubs as some of them called them) offer community, protection, sometimes income and for a young black man with little education and few job prospects, a way to occupy ones time.

The differences between 1963 and now, however are stark. The voices describe engaging in violence with other gangs, but in fisticuffs and not gun fire. There’s no mention of drugs and the worst thing a woman gets called is a “broad.” Teaching video production in Chicago’s alternative high schools has made me think about the needs of students who are in this system, many of whom are affiliated with gangs and/or wards of the state. When thinking about the concept of “needs” I refer back to Maslow’s Hierarchy.

Physiological-As it pertains to my teaching style, I know that before I can start teaching  students new things and perhaps pushing them outside of their learning comfort zone, I need to do what I can to remove any immediate threats to their survival. I bring fruit and water to every class, not (only) to bribe them, but if any of my students haven’t eaten that morning, it’s highly unlikely that I will have their attention for the full 3.5 hour duration of my class.

Safety- Threats to their safety also have to be eliminated, or at least reduced, if I have a chance of reaching my students. There are security guards on every level at the schools where I teach but sometimes the threats are in the classroom (more on this below). As much as I try to ban disrespectful behavior from my classroom, I’m not always successful.

Love/Belonging-Students will be distracted if they have threats in their home situations. If I sense that a student is distracted or in a bad mood, I start out by doing a class check-in, and I ask students if they would like to talk about anything that’s going on with them. Some of them will take the opportunity, some won’t but they have the option to express what they are thinking and feeling.

Esteem-  Since video production is new to almost all of my students, I focus on the fact that they are trying to learn new concepts and skills and praise them for doing so. 40% of what I grade my students on is attendance, because I want to emphasis the importance of showing up, literally. Attendance is an issue at most public schools in Chicago and in the alternative schools it’s even more so.

Self-actualization- Many causes of the violence within the classroom intersect with another need on Maslow’s hierarchy. Before we can reach the top of the pyramid of needs, self actualization, the place where we can not only learn but challenge our prejudices and counter-productive behaviors, we have to have our selves affirmed in the classroom. We have to feel like we are good, worthy, respected. This can be a difficult reality, because it basically means that as much as I want to call out a student for calling someone a THOT or a “fag” in the classroom, without those initial needs in order, I may not do more than bruise the student’s ego. It doesn’t keep me from doing it, of course, but I know that challenging students and developing their social justice awareness and cultural competency is hard in the most ideal environments.

I’m still learning and working on being a better educator, and being high school teacher in Chicago has its own challenges, which I will elaborate on in future posts.

Your Turn: If you have any tips/advice for engaging disenfranchised students, please hit me up on Facebook, Twitter on in the comment section.