Fresh Daily Jokes

The magician

2013-08-01T14:03:00.000-04:00

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

Quiet in Church

2013-07-30T13:46:00.000-04:00

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Big People Words

2013-07-29T13:38:00.002-04:00

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

Monkey Organization

2013-07-22T12:54:00.001-04:00

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Marriage Revenge

2012-12-17T20:32:00.000-05:00

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.

With a low voice he said to his wife, "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife, "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson, "But I want you to."

Wife, "But why?"

Johnson, "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

The Sunday edition

2012-12-14T20:22:00.000-05:00

An irate old lady called the newspaper office loudly demanding to know where her Sunday paper was.

"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday edition is not delivered until tomorrow, Sunday."

There was a long pause on the other end of the line.

Then she was heard to mutter, "Well, darn, that explains why no one was at church this morning."

Water In Carburetor

2012-12-13T20:18:00.000-05:00

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."

Two Brazilians

2012-12-12T20:12:00.000-05:00

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

No More Kids

2012-12-11T19:58:00.000-05:00

A census taker walked up to a woman who was sitting on a porch. After introducing himself, he said, "How many children do you have?"

The woman answered, "Four."

The census taker asked, "May I have their names, please?" The woman replied, "Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and George."

Confused, the census taker said, "May I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?"

"Surely, because we didn't want any Moe."

2012-12-05T22:52:00.000-05:00

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

Dentist

2012-12-04T22:22:00.000-05:00

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said:

- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

- You're a brave man said the dentist. Now show me which tooth it is.

- The husband turns to his wife and says Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is dear.

The Painter

2012-12-03T22:10:00.000-05:00

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference one reporter noticed the eye on the wall and asked the doctor What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office especially that large eye on the wall?

To this the eye doctor responded I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'

The Cruise

2012-11-30T22:49:00.000-05:00

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says OK and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

Next day the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says OK and goes back to the pharmacy and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally the pharmacist asks:

- Look if it makes you sick how come you keep doing it?

Wise little girl

2012-11-29T22:41:00.000-05:00

A certain little girl when asked her name would reply I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter. Her mother told her this was wrong she must say I'm Jane Sugarbrown. The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school and said:

- Hello, little girl. Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?

- I thought I was but mother says I'm not! - she replied.

The architect and the engineer

2012-11-28T22:26:00.000-05:00

An architect an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said I like both.

Engineer: Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman and you can go to the lab and get some work done.

Nude Portrait

2012-11-27T22:07:00.000-05:00

An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.

After a month the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since his model had already shown up he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.

They talked for a few hours getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said Oh no! It's my wife! Quick take off your clothes!

Aching Tooth

2012-11-26T22:18:00.000-05:00

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth but don't worry it will take just five minutes.

Patient: And how much will it cost?

Dentist: It's $90.00.

Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Beware the Mirror

2012-11-25T21:54:00.001-05:00

Three young women were in a shopping mall. There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette. They all had to go to the bathroom so they found one and went in.

As they were going in together they encountered a shriveled old woman who was hobbling out. Beware the mirror! she rasped. If you look inside and say something truthful you will receive your hearts fondest desire. However! if you tell a lie... YOU WILL BE SUCKED INSIDE AND ENTER OBLIVION! Cackling the old woman hobbled on past. The three women looked at each other and shrugged.

Once inside the brunette ran to the mirror looked straight inside and said I think that I am the most beautiful woman in this bathroom! Immediately a huge bag of money pops out and the ecstatic brunette seizes it and walks out. This inspires the redhead to up to the mirror and says I think that I am the most intelligent woman in this bathroom! Immediately a Mercedes-Benz pops out and she hops in and drives away. The blonde then runs up to the mirror excitedly. She says I think-- and is immediately sucked into the mirror.

Social Security

2012-11-12T21:52:00.001-05:00

An old man went to the social security office to sign up.

He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn. The lady behind the counter ask him for identification. He went to get his wallet out of his back pocket and relized he had left it at home. The lady told him that was alright he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were grey she knew he was old enough for social security.

After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day went. He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the social security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt and she could tell he was old enough.

After listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his pants he probably could have gotten disability too.

Knock at the door

2012-10-30T01:14:00.000-04:00

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

Would you marry me?

2012-10-29T01:05:00.000-04:00

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

Doctor Doctor

2012-10-28T01:01:00.000-04:00

A doctor examining a woman, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

Facebook Love

2012-10-27T00:53:00.001-04:00

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," she was the first one to click Like.

Things kids say... (2)

2012-10-22T04:00:00.000-04:00

TEACHER: Daniel, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's composition. Did you copy off of him?

DANIEL: No teacher, it's the same dog.

Punctuation

2012-10-18T00:44:00.000-04:00

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."