Friends and Beyond

Role Reversal In A Marriage Can Create Communication Barriers

The Valentyne — 2009-10-11T14:21:55-07:00

There seems to be an increase to role reversing on the family home front recently. The woman/mom of the family has taken on the bread earning while the husband/dad stays at home and takes care of the household. That seems to work in some cases but when there are children involved the change in role playing can create a major gap in communication.

Because the nature of a woman is to be a nurturer and the nature of the male is to be the warrior, raising children in a household where dad stays at home and mom works gets rocky as time goes on. This does not happen in all homes but is more the rule and not the exception. Sometimes the couple will research, discuss and agree on some newer forms of child rearing such co sleeping and nursing to a later age. In a family where role reversal is in place, the male worth is challenged as the child gets older. This especially hinders intimacy between the two.

Another issue that arises is that when the woman arrives at home she finds the the household duties are often not done or not done to her approval. She finds that she must either do them herself or have that dreaded "Honey, we must talk" conversation. She feels like a single mom quite often which then creates dissention between the two. She has a hard time appreciating what he has done and only sees what has not been accomplished.

Even in this world of change, one thing does remain clear. Women are the community and nurturers that is why God made them mothers. Men predominantly are the warriors and hopefully the supporters and that is why God made them fathers. If role reversal is what you choose for your lifestyle in your home, be aware that the one thing that breaks up a couple most often besides money is communication.

Be The Mirror And Not The Magnifier For Those Around You

The Valentyne — 2009-08-05T16:11:51-07:00

There is often a misconception as to whether we are helping each other to grow or maybe even hindering their growth. The question is a great one in the fact that mentors and coaches are becoming quite a popular avenue to take as the general public is moving to online exposure. So when you are choosing to be a mentor or seek a mentor, there is one unique principle to keep in mind. Are they/you a mirror or a magnifier? And what is the difference between the two?

A mirror is someone who allows a reflection of those that gaze upon it. It can show you things that may not be very becoming and need to be changed. It can also show the things that are good and growing and the beauty that so many times is not acknowledged. Either way, it is not a judgement one way or another just a picture to those that look, to see what others see.

A magnified is just what it is. It makes bigger that which it is looking at. Most of the time, someone who is a magnifier is pointing out that which is wrong with someone or what someone is doing for everyone to see. When they see that what they want is not being done, then critcism become the words of choice instead of praise and encouragement.

So whether you are a friend, a parent, in a relationship and especially if you are a coach or mentor, it is important to realized exactly what role you are playing. Many coaches and mentors get frustrated when a student is not following exactly the process being taught and can say and do things indirectly to discourage the very people they are teaching. They do not realize that they are not being a good example Then they wonder why a barrier begins to form. Are you coaching/mentoring to benefit the interests of the student to get them where they want to go or are you doing so to make complete your own interests. Are you being a mirror or a magnifier?

Online Dating Has Given "Blind Date" A New Meaning

The Valentyne — 2009-05-25T15:16:45-07:00

It has come to my attention just recently about what may be appropriate for a blind date when it comes to activity and setting. In this day and age, people tend to rush into and out of relationships like a revolving door. There is no time alotted to get to know one another. Immediately there is a sense of false commitment and then surprise when that commitment does not stick. So the question is...What is an appropriate activity and setting when you have been recommended to someone that you have not met? Is is a date or not? Where should you go and what should you do?

The answer to this question is one so many do not like because it is putting on the brakes before you get started. But to properly meet someone, it should be done in a public, casual and even fun atmosphere. A public gathering or networking function is a great place to meet someone of the opposite sex for the first time. Cocktails in a larger setting or even coffee is a safe and appropriate atmosphere for both men and women to meet for the first time when a friend or family member has made a recommendation and is not available to be there to make the introduction.

Meeting a stranger for a movie or dinner is not an ideal setting for that first time meet. The atmosphere is too intimate and intimidating especially if the people meeting do not take a liking to each other in the beginning. Also, with a meal, there is an unspoken sense of obligation for the gentleman to pay for the meal even if he does not like the woman.

By choosing a casual meeting place and activity, there is a sense of freedom for both people to either continue seeing each other by mutually planning a proper date or going their separate ways. This also gives room to meet a few more times casually before proceeding forward to a dating environment. With online dating at an all time high, it is important to use caution when meeting strangers for the first time. And even a few times after the initial get together. There should always be a Plan B until you get to know someone better and feel comfortable with and even safe around them. Why rush when you have the rest of your life to enjoy the right person.

Hard Times Causes Communication To Go To the Cave More Frequently

The Valentyne — 2009-04-11T20:04:37-07:00

Recently I have been getting messeges concerning how men are reacting to their women in these times of economic struggle. With many women in the work force trying to make ends meet for the family, the need for clearer communication is on the rise. Women come home from work and when they begin to talk about the days ups and downs, their male counter part tends to withdraw or retreat. What is understandably happenning is that he is, feeling like it is his responsibility to solve the problems that arose during the day for her and will go into what is called his cave.

The cave is the place in his mind where men find relief and the space to focus and try to solve the problem at hand. He is unaware that his female counter part only wanted him to listen and be the shoulder to cry on like all her other girlfriends. She is not expecting him to come up with solutions to the days issues. The not so great part of this situation is that when a man is in his cave, so to speak, he is unable to give his woman the attention she is needing. Once he finds some kind of solution to the problem that was expressed, he can then come out of that space and resume the relationship.

Women do not always react well to this withdrawl mostly because they are either unaware of the cave or do not understand the need for the solitude. They instantly feel ignored and know that the man they care about is not paying attention to their need for communication. She does not realize that he is unable to do so in a manner that would attend to her needs so he retreats to a distant and unresponsive cave. Should she persist in trying to get him to communicate, she just may be attacked by the dragon that protects the mouth of the cave, which will hurt her even more.

The best thing for a woman to do in these cases is to first of all tell him man the bottom line and that she just needs him listen. When he does go into his cave, leave him alone. Do not take it personal. He can not handle that kind of conversation very well and when he comes back from his time of solitude he will be of more support than before. When this principle is learned or at least acknowledged between men and women then their communication will improve in leaps and bounds.

Your Relationship Can Depend On Communication And Asking The Right Questions

The Valentyne — 2009-04-02T12:07:16-07:00

Within the first few moments of meeting someone of the opposite sex some people are probably thinking "I hope he/she is not a jerk like all the others". If you think of early love like a flower, often the petals are crushed when one or the other unknowingly does or says something that will turn the other person off. Later in a blooming relationship the same blooper can happen and might not offer any more that an uncomfortable spot then they move on. There are fatal bloopers that happen on the first date and can gnaw away at the early relationship.

First and foremost always remember the men and women DO communicate differently. They also talk about different subjects that tend to be gender related. Men tend to like to talk about sports, cars, how things work and how they can fix things. Women however like to talk about people, their problems, art, spiritual and personal growth. When a man or a woman learn a little about the interests of the opposite person, they can learn how to better communicate early in the in the dating process. I'm Getting To Know You is a great place to get suggestions on questions you should ask when first entering into a new relationship. When you keep these in mind, the liklihood of the relationship moving to the next level is probable.

It is not a good idea to talk about feelings early in the relationship development. Women don't really mind however men will shrug the subject off as irrelevant. Unless you are with someone rare who likes to discuss gender related subjects, it is advisable to avoid and save feelings related conversation until later in the relationship.

Another major difference between male and female communications is that men will not ask for directions and women find the first person to ask when she is in unfamiliar territory. Consequently, if in fact directions are asked then a male just want the facts with no added hoopla where as a woman wants to hear about all the stuff along the way. It happens the same way when men and women give directions. Men will give just the facts and women will give a low down on the sites you will see along the way.

One additional situation that is differently communicated by a man or a woman is when trials and tribulations arise. Men would prefer to be left alone to sort through their problems. Their male friends most likely will just tell him things will work out. If a woman just does the same and keeps her mouth shut, then she will become his refuge from the storm when it blows over instead of a part of it. On the other hand a woman will get hurts feelings if a man does not ask her if she would like to talk about what ever it is that is bothering her. She does not need anyone to fix her situation she just wants to vent. So men it is advisable to just listen. Just simply listen. When she is done she will feel so much better and so will you.

Do You Ever Say Goodbye To A Friend

The Valentyne — 2009-03-24T17:58:12-07:00

After establishing a foundation of friendship, we tend to get comfortable having the communication and the time to socialize. Down the street is a short distance when you want to meet for lunch or cocktails and some casual conversation. But somewhere down the line, your friend decides to move to a different city and state.

This is a time when some actually feel a loss. This really is not necessary, as sad as it may seem if you are true friends. Yes, it is difficult to wish them well when you will no longer have them near to fill in some friend time when you both need it. But keep in mind that true friendship does not die, just like true love. You friend is still your friend! And you may find that you have a better quality time when you do talk. It also gives you a great opportunity to do some traveling for a well need visit. Or when they come to visit you, you can spend quality time revisiting fun times you had and enjoy a variety of special times during the visit.

I have a friend like that right now. It has been difficult accepting the fact that she has decided to relocate to Tennessee. First she moved from across the street to across town and now she is moving across country. The selfish part of me wants to be hurt and abandoned. But the higher self part of me is excited for her and wants to wish for her the best. One thing I have remembered from my youth is that you never really leave someon you love. They take part of you with them, leaving part of them behind. That is what makes them special. So to my very good friend and she knows who she is, I send hugs, love, happiness, and the very best wishes for an amazaing journey. I will always be here for you because you hold a very special place in my heart. And I believe that God has His hand on your life and will watch over you while there is distance. I believe there is no distance too far that we can not reach beyond with the help of God.

What Are The Communication Differences That Men and Women Encounter

The Valentyne — 2009-02-25T19:56:40-08:00

if you know anything about the way men and women communication you know that they do not do so in the same way. Especially when they are under stress. Women tend to become emotional and seemingly overwhelmed. Men on the other hand become more withdrawn and focused. The friction comes when a women feels much better by talking about problems but her male counterpart likes to solve the problem to feel better.

Men do not like to talk about what is bothering him. He prefers to be quiet and somewhat secluded and prefers to be alone while he is figuring out who to take care of what seems to be the problem. When he feels he has the solution, he can them find comfort and become more social. Unfortunately when he can figure things out he will do other things like read the newspaper or something else that will take his mind off the problem at hand.

Women however, needs to talk about what is bothering here and the more she talks the better she feels. Have you ever noticed that a women can talk about the same things several times during a conversation? Women share their feelings and frustrations and in doing so feel less burdened. There is a certain trust among women that create relationships and community when they can talk about their day, their kids, job and relationship or lack of.

Situations and misunderstandings arise when neither men or women realize that with communication they are not on the same page all the time. When men learn how to listen to women talking about their problems it can actually help them control the need to be alone. They realize that the problems are not their fault and therefore do not need fixing. And when women can learn to ask for the attention of a man it helps men to feel more accepted and less likely to find the need for seclusion. With these understandings, the communication gap between the two becomes smaller and easier to manage. The two can share in a way that is suitable to both an be happier in the long run.

You Can Control Or You Can Relate But You Can Not Do Both

The Valentyne — 2009-02-19T16:13:55-08:00

In relationships there is always a pull and push action going on. This usually results in a control struggle of some kind. You can not force someone to change their emotions or desires at the drop of a hat or the wave of a hand. Much less than when you demand so. Withholding rewards will not get you where you want to go in a relationship either. This will neither control or dictate the direction any reltionship is going. But many women especially, do this to try to get want they want from their men. Stop! It may work for a while for not for the long haul.

In order to have a successful relationship with a man it is imperative that you learn how to manage your relationship without tryping to control, demand, manipulate or otherwise dominate it. When you do these things you will lose sight of the needs and desires of the other person. Emotional blackmail is exactly what it is..Blackmail. Women can use this tactic on everyone, not just a man. Whether it is a relationship or a business these tactics force people to do what you want not because it fills their needs or rewards them in any way. Eventually they will discontinue doing what you want for lack of motivation and produce less desirable results.

When you try to control a relationship you produce conflict. This constant conflict can in the long run, destroy any relationship. This can surely destroy intimacy. And when there is intimacy in a relationship then you must let your man be who he is, which is a problem for some women. This is the same for a woman. In a truely intimate relationship you must be who you are which means there must be some kind of transparency.

In a nutshell, you can not relate adequately or efficiently relate when you are trying to control. When you are trying to manage your relationship you are continually trying to let go of control. Having control will not reduce any risky of being hurt, but you will grow and develop a relationship that is alive. Even the thought of it may seem scary, it can be done.

Is He Into You Or Not, Ladies? That Is The Question

The Valentyne — 2009-01-24T19:02:04-08:00

With the new movie out "He's just not that into you" I was reminded about how often ladies deal with this issue sometimes on a daily basis. Not too long ago a friend of mine wanted me to meet a man that came into the restaurant where she tended bar. I agreed and she through a casual conversation told him about me and after some thought he called her with his phones numbers to give to me. (First Indicator) A day or two went by and I finally did call and set up a time to have a cocktail and share some conversation. The get together went well and the gentlman told me that he would call me by the end of the weekend. It was at this time Tuesday. Well the weekend came and went without a call. As nice as he was, one thing came to my mind. He just wasn't that interested and that was OK. I am quite a busy girl anyway.

Well.....my friend after sometime decided that I should call him and tell him I was thinking of him. I told her NO. If this man had an interest in me then he would have called regardless. She proceeded to tell me that times have changed and I was thinking old fashion. I tried to explain that as old fashion as it may seem, men are warriors and will fight armies to get the attention of a woman that has caught his fancy. There are not enough excuses in the book to explain away that when you do not do what you say you are going to do you lose trust and that is not a very good foundation for the future.

So ladies, refrain from picking up the phone and calling a guy just because you think it will help create a relationship because it will not. And remember a drink is not a date and two or three dates does not make him your boyfriend. I guess the old saying does go for us, Girls, lighten up and get a life. If he is interested he will come running. you can count on it. If not.... then keep moving.

Spending The Holidays With Your Family

The Valentyne — 2008-12-24T11:56:22-08:00

Wow, it has been some time since I have been here and realized one subject that is not covered very often. The Christmas Holiday brought this to my attention just this week. How well do you get along with your family? Time spent together, especially at the Holidays can tell you an amazing story.

Alot of people have families that are close and enjoy each other's company. But on the other side of the coin there are families who do not get along vary well and find that it is difficult to put up with each other especially during the Holidays. The time spent together is endured and not enjoyed. The question is "How do you spend time with those you are not so fond of and make it a memorable and enjoyable time? Well I learned the answer as a sat here in front of my computer on Christmas Eve Day and had difficulty spending time with my family who came to Vegas to spend Christmas with me.

I learned that I have to respond from my higher self which is the love based self. I have been reacting from my lower self which is fear based and that I was not happy at all. At time like the Holiday Season it is imperative to understand that it is NOT about you! It is about others! And those others include your family no matter what the relationship. When I realized this, I found it easier to make what is left of the visit as happy as I can for those who took the time to be here.

If you are in search of wealth...start in your own backyard. The wealthy understand that when you make it about others and what you can give, your happiness blooms as well. Merry Christmas everyone.