Frodology

I'm not quite dead!

2009-06-24T22:39:00.003+08:00

Belated salutations!

After such an extended sojourn, I wouldn't be surprised if I'm talking to an empty room at this point, but to those of you still hanging around, you have Frodo's thanks, and a degree of my concern. Touching as it is, keeping Frodology permanently open and pressing F5 every half hour or so probably isn't the most productive use of your time! Surely there are some heathens you could be converting?

Anyway, I went on holiday several weeks ago, and then I came back. At that point, rather than picking the baton back up and preachin' the Good Word, I said to myself 'screw it, I'm going on another holiday'. So I did. And I'd definitely recommend it.

In the mean time, I started to channel my creative energy towards another project, and Frodology (but not Frodo) fell by the wayside. What is this secret, fun, new project, I read myself asking? After being told by at least two people that they would pay money to read things I've written (not much, but some), I decided I'd try my hand at writing a novel. Because, hey, if nothing else, that's like 2 x $12.99. Unless it never comes to fruition, or is (as I suspect it will be) totally unworthy of publication, and then it will be 2 x a fat lot of nothing. But that's still better than 1 x a fat lot of nothing.

I learned math good.

So finding myself with a limited supply of time and the imaginary disapproval of Stephen King if I didn't put down at least 2,000 words a day, I set to it. Currently I'd guess I'm about 25% of the way through a first draft. Still a long way to go, but enough to sit back, take stock, and realize how many things I've been neglecting due to my delusions of near competence.

So, in short, Frodology is not dead. I do plan to keep posting here (and I hope CodewordConduit will too if she's still reading somewhere), albeit not at the frequency I was maintaining before. I still have things to say, many of them funny, and some of them free.

Meanwhile, while no one was looking, Frodology received its 7,000th hit, thanks mainly to the intrepid Googlers responsible for such insightful search terms as dwarf sexuality, flis navi dad (I think that's just bad Spanish), and hollow man 3. What can I say, I guess I'm not the only one yearning to see Kevin Bacon tackle yet another terrible role with his enormous nostrils.

Frodo be with you, and I'll see ya'll soon.

Disappearing for a few days...

2009-05-06T21:14:00.000+08:00

Dear faithful Frodologists,

Unfortunately, Frodo will be going silent for several days. As we all know, when a theist loses his uplink to his deity, he loses his ability to act morally and function in society. Sadly, there's nothing you can do to control it. You'll likely start going mad after a few hours, acting to all appearances exactly like a zombie. A zombie with bad manners. And a penchant for petty crime.

I give you my condolences ahead of time. I just thought you should know.

Apologetically yours,

FrodoSaves

History Lessons: Ancient Sparta (Part II)

2009-05-05T08:35:00.001+08:00

If you haven't already, make sure to check out the first part to this lesson on Ancient Sparta.

Work ethic

The Spartan appetite for hard work was legendary and ferocious. They were universally tireless slave owners, a breed apart from the gin-sipping, porch-sitting slaver of the American colonies, a stereotype sadly responsible for giving slavery a bad name. Their workers were a race known as the helots, although the term “race” is misleading. The helots were Caucasian, as city elders determined it uneconomical to first discover and then trek all the way to Sub-Saharan Africa to capture some blacks.

In an interesting case of foreshadowing, the helots staged their own civil rights movement in the form of a violent rebellion, but were unsuccessful due to the lack of underground railroads, airplanes, or buses on which to stage protests.

Take note: if you’re planning a civil rights movement, center it around a mass transit system

The complete lack of moral philosophy in Spartan culture may also have played a role.

Equality

While Sparta might not be remembered as the great democracy that Athens was, it was undeniably egalitarian. Equality was ensured through a complex system of taxation, stringent rules on property ownership, and a rigorous policy of infanticide to weed out the weak and crippled.

This policy was enforced on the battlefield with the expectation that every soldier would profit from a campaign in equal proportion to the others, or as happened more frequently, suffer an equally brutal death.

Sparta was however notoriously backwards as regards education, in that their girls received some. Unfortunately, the decision to educate women predated the cliché that “a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.” The influential role of women in Spartan society and their limited vocabulary of “fight,” “war,” and “stabby-stabby” are thought to have been largely responsible for much of Sparta’s constant campaigning.

Whoever educated Condoleezza Rice has a lot to answer for

Whoever named her, even more so

Battle

The policy of Fight, War, Stabby-Stabby was put into effect in the Spartans’ infamous stand at Thermopylae in 480 BC. Several months prior, Emperor Xerxes (Sexrex, really?) of Persia had crossed into Europe with an army some say was a million strong, though fully a fifth of these were nubile young nymphs used for servicing the Emperor’s prodigious, sexy appetite. And some of these were female.

Three hundred Spartans, their helot attendants, and several thousand Peloponnesians met the Persians at Thermopylae, a narrow mountain pass overlooking the sea which trapped the advancing Persian army in a bottleneck. Several days of vicious fighting ensued, resulting in the eventual destruction of the valiant Greeks. The heavy cost in men and great delay taught Xerxes a valuable lesson: candlelight and oiled skin really help to take the edge off morally ambiguous child sex. Ok, well Xerxes wasn’t paying attention. But everyone else learned this: a rocky cliff is a dangerous place to have a battle.

Following the Persian victory at Thermopylae, the Greeks staged their last ditch defense at Plataea. Its unremarkable, gradual, downhill slope was calculated to recall in the Persians their fear of geographic features. With an army now staffed almost entirely by short-legged child prostitutes, the shallow incline was precisely the minor setback the Persians could have done without. While Plataea was a decisive victory for the Greeks, it wasn’t until legislation raised the age of sexual consent to sixteen, effectively outlawing the only thing the Persians were good at, that they finally decided to head home in defeat.

If you like the idea of more history lessons, please, do let me know, and if you have any suggestions of particular events, epochs, or civilizations, I’d love to hear them.

100th post!

2009-05-02T09:42:00.000+08:00

My last article on Ancient Sparta checked off yet another arbitrary blogging milestone - the legendary 100th post. She was a wily beast to slay, and the ephemeral joy of her capture was fleeting. Nevetheless, I fully intend to feast on the glory and bask in your envious adulation.

Of course, promiscuous dynamos like PersonalFailure and UNRR scratched their hundredth tally into the bedpost yonks ago, and are probably thinking "so, what? I did it, and I'll do it again." But like the mercenary caress of your first hooker, you never forget the giddy joys of your first century. Oh, sure, they might tell you they're happy. But as they soar ever closer to the seedy millennium, it's the perverse happiness of yesterday's makeup and unemployed clowns.

To those of you still furiously blogging away, beating at your keyboard and tugging at your hair with frustration, desperately trying to score that hundred, I will say only this: Frodo is watching.

Of course if we'd been designed by Frodo with eight fingers instead of ten, then this article would've been my 144th, and my history of Man - the last 303,240 years would have been my 100th. And if we had eleven fingers, we'd have to start using letters in our numbering, which is a whole new kind of crazy. The message is clear: numbers are evil.

I will be accepting gifts now.

New reader favorites?

Since by now you're no doubt in a sycophantic, fawning mood, I would like to ask you for your suggestions as to which articles to add to my reader favorites list.

If you're of the opinion that nothing you've read here has so far been any good, but you're confident that I'll come up with something worth reading in my second hundred, because seriously, it's like the freakin' law of probability or something, then you're guilty of the Blogger's Fallacy and you can shut yer hole.

Excellent.

History Lessons: Ancient Sparta (Part I)

2009-04-30T17:51:00.001+08:00

I’ve decided to try out a new type of article. It dawned on me that there are three things that everyone loves: history, ice cream, and things that comes in threes (sorry about the padding). Not only does everyone love history, but combined with a bit of creative re-imagining, it can serve to inspire and lead by its own example.

So today we’ll be hitting the history books and going back to Ancient Sparta, and hopefully, if we’re lucky, taking one or two lessons home with us. Think of it like a trip to the Creation Museum.

Since Frodology has recently experienced an influx of SMRTies who may not be used to the evidenceless-based learning we engage in here, this could be a great place to start. So, again, a trip to the Creation Museum.

Humble beginnings

In its earliest days, Sparta’s politics were dominated by the softer sex, but it wasn’t long before women muscled their way into power and set the militaristic tone of government by which it would forever be remembered.

This fun new policy of fighting kicked off with the Trojan War, a protracted conflict for which we should actually credit the Mycenaeans, the Spartans' progenitors.

Fun fact! ‘Progenitor’ means ‘in favor of genitals’ in English.

Legend has it that the war started when Prince Paris of Troy eloped with Helen of Sparta, the betrothed of its King Menelaus. Apparently she was comely enough to warrant the launching of 1,000 ships, though this was likely inflated by hyperbole, not be confused with a hyperbola, a really bad case of Ebola; or with Hyperbowl, my local 10-pin lanes.

The Spartan army landed on the beach outside Troy and promptly fell in love with the scenery, quickly forgetting all about Helen. With the Spartans stuck outside the city gates for the better part of a decade, Troy looked impregnable, unlike the bitchin' hot Helen. Unfortunately, the dispute flared up again following a quarrel with a greedy Trojan beach vendor. Things quickly went sour for Troy when a seer in the employ of King Priam prophesized that Paris would be portrayed by the particularly effeminate Orlando Bloom in a retelling of the event three millennia later.

The news must have been shocking, because the Trojan troops opened the city gates to the Mycenaean army, captained by a large, wheeled stray horse, in a bid to hasten their own destruction and end the ignominy. The city was promptly sacked and its population enslaved.

Fun fact! The term ‘sacking’ originates from the ancient practice of placing an entire captured city inside a burlap sack as plunder. Of course, cities were much smaller then.

A version of the story has survived in the form of the Biblical telling of the Rape of Dinah. There are of course some differences, the chief one being that Dinah is thought to have been far more attractive than Helen, as thousands of adult men were willing to be circumcised merely to live in the same city as her.

Gender bender

Sparta was quick to incorporate its hard-earned lessons into a largely pragmatic legal system. They rightly concluded that the conflict was entirely the fault of the harlot Helen, and absolutely nothing to do with trade routes, greed and geopolitics.

This conclusion led to the curious marriage ritual of shaving the bride’s head and dressing her in a man’s tunic, obviously an attempt to ensure no escaping woman would be worth chasing after. This tradition has survived today, in the sense that Greek women still aren't attractive enough to be put on film. When attractive foreign actresses aren’t available, movies about Greece simply aren’t made.

Fun fact! The beautiful women in these films were not Greek: Alexander, Troy, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, The 300, For Your Eyes Only, Mamma Mia!

Sad fact! My Big Fat Greek Wedding had dozens of Greek women.

Family life

In Sparta, military service took precedence over all other areas of life. While men married around age 20, they stayed in barracks until they could live with their families at age 30. Frodologists call this “not having to live with your family until age 30.” The difference is subtle, but telling.

From an early age, Spartan boys took part in vigorous military training, called the agoge. As far as historians can determine, this was just a funny-sounded word with no actual meaning. The training was long and grueling, and if you were going to depict it in a film, I imagine you’d make an uncomfortable-to-watch montage of half-clothed boys, caked in mud and soaked with sweat, tumbling with each other on a river bank. To round out the queasy vision of youthful innocence, everyone would look like male versions of Dakota Fanning.

Oscar-worthy stuff.

But it wasn’t all hard work. Spartans knew how to love too…

Pederasty

Military philosophers of the time believed that a bond of love between an experienced warrior and a novice would make soldiers far more willing to fight for each other (known as “giving”), and also prepared to take a fatal blow meant for the other (“receiving”). It also engendered trust, a vital ingredient in hoplite warfare, as each man was responsible for protecting the man to his left with his own shield (known as a “reach around”).

Fun fact! Sparta’s impressive phalanxes were easily wiped out when tackled from left to right

The reach around leaves your flank exposed

Blog reader attention spans being what they are, I'm going to stop here for today. Check back in a couple of days to learn more about exciting events which may have (but probably didn't) happen, and the juicy details of 5th Century BC agricultural reform.

Carry on to Part II...

What will happen to the Rapture abortions?

2009-04-28T14:24:00.002+08:00

Most Christians hold that fetuses, in all their gooey prenatal glory, are sacred sacs of soul-infused sanctity. Quite how they are able to distinguish a fetus from the type of organic glob that most Americans would cheerfully spray with a blast of Raid is unclear. Perhaps they have some sort of affirmative action scheme in place, though no fetus has to my knowledge been accepted to any university yet, no matter how awful. Well, maybe Brown. But definitely nowhere else.

Yet how this inviolability can be squared against the highly anticipated mass carnage of the approaching Rapture is a troubling question for Christian theologians. Babies must first be born in order for their souls to be scooped up into the abrasive burlap sack that is Christian theology.

So what happens to the ones still floundering in the womb when the Rapture starts?

The question is a pressing one, as we are clearly living in the End Times, and have been doing for a good two thousand years or so. An obvious solution is to allow Jesus to start the show when no saved souls are pregnant. Unfortunately this is difficult to coordinate, and is most easily accomplished if everyone simply stops having sex. Thankfully, obesity and botched plastic surgery are working hard on both ends of the female spectrum to make women much less attractive, and intercourse far less appealing.

Still, universal celibacy is not something we can rely on. Another option is to exclude pregnant women from the Rapture entirely. After all, it’d be good if they learned to abstain from something, eh? Am I right? Yeah, nice. This could make getting pregnant somewhat like Russian roulette, which it already is for people with ugly spouses, like the Mormons, and those with just one ugly spouse, like the rest of us.

A third solution would be to rapture the unborn baby part and parcel with the mother, and simply wait out the rest of the pregnancy in Heaven. Unfortunately, the mother’s options will be limited should any complications occur, as, in accordance with policy, Heaven’s surgeons have rendered unto Caesar that which are Caesarians. Nor is it guaranteed that the child, once born in Heaven, will even accept Christianity, arguments for the existence of God being what they are.

A, uh, final solution, is simply to rapture the fetus in utero, as an independent entity to the mother. Though still too young to repent of their original crimesin on Earth, the airtight nature of Christian theology all but guarantees that they will be afforded the opportunity in Heaven. As the only alternative would be to send them to purgatory, where the age difference between the unborn fetuses and unbaptized babies could lead to bullying, apologists believe this is the best answer.

While ordinarily this could make for an awkward situation if the unrepentant mother isn't raptured along with the fetus, experts believe that anyone with in an interest in enforcing state abortion laws will vanish during the Rapture, all of which forces the question: will Christians be going to Heaven, or leaving it behind?

Bible tag!

2009-04-25T17:39:00.000+08:00

As the weather improves and the little ones return to the great outdoors (sometimes for good, if natural selection has its way), parents naturally want to provide activities for their children that are both wholesome and fun. Playing ‘Guantanamo’ was all well and good until Mrs. Schroeder’s cat stopped resisting the water boarding, and you can’t really argue with the police’s opinion that ‘hunting pirates’ isn’t good for race relations.

So why not give them a game to play straight from the Bible?

You’ll need a menstruating woman to get started. This one’s probably on you, moms! She’s ‘it’ for seven days, and anyone or anything she touches becomes ‘it’ too. The ‘it’ team must then try to make as many people and as many things unclean as possible, while the opposing team must try to bathe everything in water before evening. While it sounds like the odds are stacked in favor of the menstruator and her unholy hordes, don’t worry – they’ll be handicapped by cramps and hobbled by the pain of childbirth. Thank Jehovah!

The origin of cooties shots

Bible tag truly is infectious, but you should be careful that your neighbors don’t think you’re Jewish. While they’ll undoubtedly be impressed by the hundreds of gallons of water you’re spilling on your lawn to purify yourselves, you’re not yacht club members yet! In fact, it may be wise to invite them over for a BBQ (in the evening, once you’re clean), just to be safe.

After playing Bible tag for a little while, you’ll probably start wondering “how did they manage to keep everything clean in the desert with such little water?” Well, they didn’t.

Scholars believe Bible tag (!) can explain the disappearance of several early Israelite settlements. After a few hours of vigorous play, participants would begin to run out of things to purify themselves with. When it got to the point that the water jugs themselves needed to be bathed to remain pure, scores of players would have already succumbed to dehydration and exhaustion. The self-inflicted tragedy further embittered thousands of displaced Canaanites, and one teary-eyed spectator has gone down in history with his legendary lamentation, “come on, we’re smarter than that!”

Its prodigious water demands of course mean that, just like all good games, Bible tag can only be enjoyed properly in the developed world.

Coming soon, we’ll have more Games by Leviticus, including one similar to the traditional English game of bowls. But instead of using polished balls, the Israelites used rough, dense pieces of stone, and rather than being rolled down a green, they were lobbed at people’s heads! We’ll also have ‘Guess My Abomination!’ Do I sleep with other men, wear garments woven from two different kinds of thread, or eat crustaceans?

Find out soon, and thanks for playing!

Frodologist Family Fun

2009-04-23T04:00:00.001+08:00

As someone who’s never had to do it myself, I know that raising a family can be difficult, especially on the husband as he has to watch his formerly sexy bride get uglier and uglier, a trend known to science as the Theory of Marital Unattractiveness.

As time increases, the graph itself is the only thing going up

Fortunately, it’s only a theory, which means that its harmful effects can be mitigated with enough practice and concentration. One way to keep your family glued together like glue is to spend quality time proselytizing to the heathens. Now that you’ve saved your child from his apostasy, this can be a great way to spend a day. Try these useful tips to bring Frodo’s Word to the infidel.

Impromptu anti-gay rally

Protesters against gay marriage have received a lot of criticism recently, and it’s not undeserved, watering down their message of hatred like that, instead of condemning homosexuality per se. But a spontaneous rally to vent your anger against the poofters is always a safe bet for a sunny day.

When preparing, make sure to bring along colorful cardboard with which to make your signs and placards. It really is a great opportunity to let your imagination run riot. Use words like ‘sodomy’, ‘fag’, ‘queer’, and ‘free speech’. Remember to bring along a towel to wipe the froth from your mouth and the spittle dribbling down your chin, and don’t forget the markers so the kids can drawn their own posters!

Organized anti-gay rally

This is superficially a lot like the impromptu anti-gay rally, but only the core message of intolerance is the same. You’ll be part of a much bigger crowd, which affords much more opportunity for creative costumes. Always remember the general rule of thumb, which is that if you wear anything but your normal clothes to a rally of less than a dozen protesters, people might think you’re gay.

Be aware that larger groups are often dictated by herd mentality and you’ll have a lot less control over the tone of the rally. Self-moderation and polite decorum are often a problem, and it may be difficult to encourage other protesters to adopt your fascist tone. Always keep hold of your child in case your ranks are infiltrated by a gay pedophile. After all, it’s a dangerous world out there!

Have a bonfire… of books!

Kids love fire, and it’s the job of a responsible parent to encourage and foster his children’s interests. Large bonfires are always a treat, but these days you can’t so much as set a match to a redwood without getting environmentalists on your back. Truly imaginative parents should then realize the great untapped potential behind that bound and printed piece of tinder known as a ‘book’.

Some are morally opposed to setting books alight, but let me ask you this: what’s so bad about it if the author already disagrees with you? Authors are some of the most judgmental people ever to walk the planet, formulating their ideas and then solidifying them in print before even a single reader can voice his disagreement. Over 98% of books ever written already contradict your beliefs, and most of them aren’t even in a language you can read! Can you say ‘superfluous’?

You can’t? Too long? Oh, well you’d better save that dictionary then!

Of course, we must not forget the danger of getting carried away. Frodologist Dr. Carrie W. Clark has warned in her book against forcing all opinions into a dichotomy and calling those on the wrong side of it ‘gay pedophiles’. This is precisely the type of thing we must be protect against, and that’s why I’ll be throwing her book on the fire first along with the rest of the gay pedophiles.

Lastly, remember that the glue used in binding some books can be highly toxic when heated. Prudent parenting requires that you can’t be too careful.

Now who’s ready for smores?

Spread pro-anti-pro-choice literature

Abortion is an awkward subject to discuss in polite society, the gay pedophile in the room, if you take my meaning. But statisticians believe that 9 out of 10 Americans reading this very sentence (abortion!) are thinking about abortion right now. If everyone’s thinking about it, why aren’t we talking about it? Clearly, we have to force people to talk about it.

How can your family help? First, we must stop using euphemisms, like ‘life’, ‘choice’, and ‘abortion’, and call it what it is: fetus molestation. Take your child along to a march, and ask pro-choicers whether they’d happily molest him. Most should say ‘no’. Ask them then why they’re so ready to molest someone exactly like your child, only younger.

Husbands can also help, as everyone knows that men always know what’s best for women. That’s why we have penises. Like the hand of an eager student keen to answer a question in class, nothing says ‘I know!’ better than an erect phallus.

Don’t be tempted to leave your children in the car, because as we all know, there are gay pedophiles about. Instead, get them to star in an existential play with a provocative title like “What if I Was not Am?” The absurdity of a fully gestated fetus pondering his own non-existence will get your audience thinking “hey, that’s funny!” and waste fifteen minutes of their time, which will bring all babies in attendance fifteen minutes closer to the second trimester deadline!

After a long day of good parenting, why don’t you take the whole family out for ice cream? Woah there, easy on the chocolate sauce!

In defense of the Mormons (it’s not what you think)

2009-04-20T10:22:00.001+08:00

Minor religions don’t have an easy time of it, especially the ones whose tenets really get the imagination going. I should know. I run one. Mormons in particular are often unfairly singled out, frequently by this website, as deserving of extra ridicule. But just how crazy are they? Words like “batshit insane” and “theological asshattery” are thrown around a lot these days, to the extent that no one stops to ask what’s so truly nuts about bat droppings. We religious minorities need to stick together, and it’s my purpose here to defend the Mormons and show that they haven’t completely lost it.

Land of the free

Mormons view the Bible as divinely inspired but maintain that they’re privy to some juicy extras ignored by Catholics and Protestants. As such, it’s sort of like Christianity Plus. That sounds like fun, right?

All of this was recorded on some nifty brass plates originally in the possession of Laban, a Biblical character the anagram of whose name is unfortunately ‘Banal’, and perhaps worse, ‘Anal B’, though historians still dispute the meaning of the ‘B’. These plates were stolen by Nephi along with Laban's steel sword, the possession of which was a considerable metallurgical accomplishment for the Bronze Age.

The plates describe the flight of a group of people, one Lehi and his family (including son Nephi) from Jerusalem to the New World around 600 BC, which is about 2,100 years before transatlantic travel even became possible. That’s no mean feat, and I’m starting to see why Jesus liked these guys! Historians are unclear as to why Lehi et al abandoned the Jews, but as a sort of ancient bad shit magnet, the decision is understandable, especially when viewed in the context of the customary 19^th Century anti-Semitic milieu in which this whole thing was concocted.

Home of the braves?

The descendants of Lehi, who later split into the Lamanites and Nephites (over artistic differences as to where art stopped and porn began) flourished in Mesoamerica, augmenting a pre-existing Semitic group who'd been there for several thousand years already. One can only admire their accomplishments, because according to Mel Gibson, there were a lot of hearts being cut out in the vicinity, so good for them.

Unfortunately, they’re chiefly considered by Mormons as an unsuccessful civilization for failing to leave behind archeological evidence to attest to their existence. Some detractors note alleged anachronisms in the Book of Mormon, such as the mention of chariots. They argue that Mesoamerican roads were extremely narrow and difficult to traverse, with rope bridges only two to three feet wide, all of which makes chariot usage quite difficult. Um, hello? Ever heard of a bicycle?

Mormons maintain that Nephite culture eventually gave away to the Olmecs and the Mayans, who specialized in mathematics and science, a tradition presumably embraced by modern Mormons, because they’re not too good at history. Their enemies the Lamanites, on the other hand, turned into the type of saggy-breasted dart-blowing specimens you see in off peak hours on National Geographic. You know, between the good stuff. With guns and shit.

Linguistic critics of the Book of Mormon argue that no Native American language is even remotely related to Hebrew, which the Levites allegedly spoke. But Mormon apologists rightly point out that the Levites weren’t the sole ancestors of Mesoamericans, leaving plenty of room for the Atlanteans, Cthulhu, and talking rabbits to further influence indigenous languages.

Chosen folk

According to Mormons, Jesus visited America shortly after his death and ascension into Heaven. While mainstream Christians might laugh, they should remember that Mormons still nodding along to this narrative are likely capable of believing absolutely anything. While there, Jesus finally settled the ancient art-porn debate with his inspired ruling that pornography begins at five articles of clothing or fewer, a definition Mormons keep to this day.

Many Christians ask, “but why would God have come to Joseph Smith, revealing this secret history and giving him the divine gift of translation?” Others wonder “is this article really defending Mormons?” And still others yearn to know, “are you even going to answer any of these questions?”

The burden of belief

The life of a modern Mormon is not an easy one, what with the public ridicule, perpetual threat of attack from Skeletor, and having to spend huge amounts of time with other Mormons, often family members. More conservative Mormons must also wear the near-legendary Mormon underwear, a garment rivaled only by the snood as able to inflict humiliation on the wearer.

How do they cope?

The decision to wear Mormon underwear is the end result of a lengthy cost-benefit evaluation. "Do I look hilarious?" Yes. "Is it a good kind of hilarious?" No. "Does everyone else look hilarious?" Yes. "Will demons consume my genitals otherwise?" Yes. And maybe even inspite of.

In terms of their beliefs in general, most Mormons probably try not to think about the historical inconsistencies, parceling them off in an area of their brain and repressing them so that they never need be confronted. Sort of like the way Kevin Spacey’s character suppressed his homosexuality in American Beauty so that he could live according to society’s expectations of normality.

The analogy is actually quite telling. Mormonism and American Beauty are both absolutely terrible.

Quick Mormon FAQ

"With polygamy and all those kids, Mormons must get to have a lot of sex, right?"

By Protestant standards, yes. The average Mormon parents have four children over the course of twenty years, which means they have sexual intercourse an average of 0.2 times per annum, and 0.1 times per vaginum.

"What goes on inside the Temple?"

Some believe the Mormons have Elvis, still alive, kept in chains in the innermost sanctum, so that they may use his fat guy sweat to teach cabbages to dance the tango. Most however reject this theory in the face of overwhelming evidence that tango dancing is an innate trait of cabbages which does not need to be taught.

"Is there such thing as a gay Mormon?"

Not once the desert is finished with them!

"What should I say to Mormons who knock on my door?"

It shouldn't concern you, provided you've kept the door padlocked and soundproofed from your neighbors. Knocking is also a sign that they've exhausted themselves from screaming, meaning that they will probably try to reason with you for their release. Ignore it. Experience shows that captured Mormons imprisoned in basements eventually succumb to their incarceration after three weeks, and become willing participants in fertility experiments until rickets inevitably overwhelms their fragile immune systems.

"Where can I get a copy of the Book of Mormon?"

Once they eventually expire, don't feel bad about simply looting them. In fact, don't feel bad at all. In the service of the Lord and all that, eh? If the copy you retrieve has already started to rot, just ask me, I have plenty of spares.

Can I get a Witness? Or How to Talk to Atheists

2009-04-17T14:07:00.003+08:00

It’s no secret: every Frodologist wants to be Roy Cozy. But thanks to a cosmic accident which means a body can only be inhabited by a single person at a time, and sometimes by a demon if you live in some of the more credulous areas of the Midwest, only Roy Cozy can be Roy Cozy. Today, Roy shares his secrets with you, so that you too can witness according to the Way of the Ass Tear.

1. Scripture. Lots and lots of scripture.

You may have read elsewhere that atheists aren’t easily swayed by scripture and that it’s an ineffective method of communicating. Chances are, if you agree with them, you haven’t quoted enough at them. Always ask yourself, “is this working? Am I getting through?” If the answer is “no,” then the solution is always more scripture.

Atheists pride themselves on their independent thinking. The only way to counter this is to quote so much scripture that your voice becomes like white noise, suppressing the urge to think at all.

2. More scripture

“The fool hath said in is heart, there is no Frodo”* always make an atheist stop and think, as chances are he hasn’t heard it before, or seen it on the side of a bus where he lives, a bus which he probably rides to and from work everyday, having little else to look at but other buses carrying exactly the same sign.

Since the atheist is a skeptical beast, however, always provide him with a scriptural reference, and he’ll be that much more easily tricked. Convinced. Yeah, let’s go with convinced.

3. Q & A

Atheists need to know that they’re sinners before they’ll accept Frodo into their lives. Some think that just because they stole something small or watched some pornography years ago and weren’t immediately smote down by an act of divine retribution, they’ll get away with it. But Frodo has a long memory, and forgets nothing. He’s also sly, like a fox. And when vengeance comes, He will bring it swiftly, like a cheetah. Or a swift.

Dear God, it's hideous!

Engage the sinner in a discussion to reveal the extent of his misdeeds.

Have you ever stolen? Then you’re a thief.

Have you ever lied? Then you’re a fraudster.

Have you ever fornicated? Good for you.

Did you enjoy it? Then you’re an adulterer.

Have you ever acted as a prepubescent teen on a pedestrian 90s TV show with no lasting cultural relevance or quirky cultish fan base? Then you’ll always be an actor. Seriously man, you’ll make it one day. People like you. Honest.

4. Clothe the frontal lobe

Being naked is a sin, so why do we let our brains go unclothed? If we let our frontal lobes wander uninhibited, who knows what absurd conclusions they might reach? That’s why we need to learn to circumnavigate the intellect, just like Columbus would have been remembered for had he done it to the globe, and subdue the brain’s protestations, as Magellan intended to do to the natives had he stopped en route instead of sailing all the way around the world.

There’s a neurological (science jargon for ‘fancy’) instinct that warns, among other things, “putting my hand in a blender might cause me to lose my fingers.” But instinct is a product of evolution, and anything which results from an evil process that never even happened cannot possibly be good.

Instead, you need to get your atheist speaking from the heart. Doubting Samwise is pejoratively remembered in Frodology for failing to trust Gollum, even after going on holiday together. Frodo, on the other hand, enjoined us to follow his example of trusting everyone until they give us seven or eight reasons not to. So who are you going to follow? The Messiah, or the fat guy?

5. Even more scripture

Now seems like as good a time as any to check whether you’re using enough scripture. Please consult this useful flowchart which you can print off and stick in your wallet next to a picture of your kids/your curiously attractive niece/that time you ditched your kids to land a 20lb. marlin off the Keys which you hoped would impress your curiously attractive niece.

Click to make tiny

6. Capital Letters

If they’re still not biting, you should be aware that they might start pecking around for evidence of the truth behind Frodo’s Word. Hello, what’s this? A capital ‘T’?! We wouldn’t call it Truth if it was simply the truth.

Some Frodologists like to use capitals all the time, such as in “OMFF HOW CAN ATHEISTZ B SO STOOPID?” Used properly, this technique gives you that extra edge of authority; conveys a sense of urgency; distracts readers from noticing you haven’t cited a source; and saves you extra trips to the shift key.

7. Dangle something from your fingers. Move it up and down. You’ll feel better as they start to nod along with you.

eah i saw dat movie it kinda sucked tho oh shit wrong window

8. Homosexuality

At this point, a lot of you are probably wondering “why is it called ‘The Way of the Ass Tear’?” Put simply, there’s an old Frodologist anecdote which has it that every time an atheist is saved, a donkey sheds a tear of joy. Now, onto the dangers of sodomy.

Frodo is a beneficent deity, and simple attraction to the same sex isn’t going to condemn a believer. By itself. He of course does not tolerate the premarital sex and kinky clothes that make me feel awkward and uncomfortable when I look at them, and then I start to imagine myself in them, with nipple rings and a leather thong, yeah that might work, no, no!

A useful tactic is to console your gay atheist by pointing out that Frodo hates the sin, is ambivalent about the sinner, and loves the guy trying to put moral distance between himself and the person he’s trying to convince is eternally damned. This brings me conveniently to my last point, which is that your message is Frodo’s message, and Frodo’s message is…

9. Love

Through fear.

I trust you’ve found this guide helpful. Used effectively, the Way of the Ass Tear can turn that disbelief into undisbelief.

* Please suppress the urge to thrash me with a stick at this point. You know who you are.

The Curious Case of Kenneth Ham

2009-04-14T18:39:00.001+08:00

The Creation Museum in Kentucky announced with alarm this morning the disappearance of its president, Kenneth Ham. It is unknown where Mr. Ham has gone, or indeed when he was last seen, as colleagues report that an imposter had been coming into work for at least several weeks. Museum employees admit that the subterfuge should not have been so surprising, as Mr. Ham was only growing more apelike in both appearance and rhetoric as the months passed, and the imposter was later revealed to be a middle aged chimpanzee.

Mr. Ham is one of few humans on the planet not to have evolved from apes, being instead a descendant of the only species created entirely through poetic license and metaphor. The case of Mr. Ham is accordingly a stunning example of convergent evolution, demonstrating successive transformations from H. sapiens to H. ignoramus and finally to costumed Planet of the Apes cast member.

Finding Mr. Ham has been complicated by his goofy 19^th Century beard and the amateur Photoshop skills used on his missing person poster

Coworkers became suspicious of the chimpanzee during its email correspondence with biologist PZ Myers and participation in a debate hosted by the BBC. The highly proficient primate set alarm bells ringing when both friends and museum staff began to notice an apparent improvement in Mr. Ham’s coherence.

Wife Marilyn was stricken with grief at the news of Mr. Ham’s evolution, lamenting “I had no idea he was so sick.”

Initially friends suspected that Mr. Ham had been eaten by one of the museum’s animatronic dinosaurs, which they warn are “very much true to life.” Fears were allayed however when cooler heads noted that the museum is only home to a Tyrannosaurus and other herbivores.

Mr. Ham has long been a divisive figure in Christianity. His founding several years ago of the Answers in Genesis ministry caused controversy when his literalist followers took the name to mean that the rest of the Bible was superfluous. The brief flirtation represented the greatest degree of accord ever achieved with local atheists, before the misconception was lovingly (but violently) corrected.

Many young Earth creationists are unlikely to thank him for evolving into another species, or indeed failing include a hyphen between ‘young’ and ‘Earth’, a careless mistake which could easily lead to witless detractors desperate for jokes capitalizing on the ambiguity by poking fun at the creationist’s own lack of youth.

As investigators still struggle to solve this puzzle, local residents can only wonder whether, like everything else, the answer will turn up in Genesis.

Everything else

Is Heaven Sinking?

2009-04-11T21:00:00.000+08:00

Conservative America is gripped with fear following the release of a scientific report which declares that Heaven seems to be gradually losing altitude. Though liberals have denounced the claim as ‘fanciful’ and likely just a right wing conspiracy, Democrat Senate majority leaders came together to assure the nation they would treat the matter with earnest circumspection, concluding to their Republican colleagues with a unanimous ‘how you like me now, bitch?’

The chief cause of the problem seems to be the increasing proportion of fat people in Heaven. It used to be that fatties would go to Hell for their gluttony, but these days scientists warn that they’re all either just big boned or suffering from glandular problems. Consequently, it’s really not their fault, and they deserve to be rewarded for the unfortunate circumstances which have given them a whole range of health problems, from chronic lethargy to epic denial.

Government leaders are split as to the best recourse. When questioned by reporters, one official commented ‘ew, fat people.’ Still, it’s clear that they will have to ask tough questions in order to stop Heaven from its earthward course, and preventing fat people from going there might be a necessary measure. For example, if we ban leopard print, will obesity just go away by itself, or will we drive the problem underground? Can’t we just pawn the problem off on our children’s generation? Or ship the fatties to Canada? Please?

Are you sure? Canada?

In any case, it seems that the Obama administration’s policy of systematically executing America’s fatties has certainly backfired. As an alternative to bailing out the fast food industry, the Simmons-Fonda Act rightly received overwhelming support, and cases of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease were remarkably kept to a minimum. But the government must face the fact that further increasing Heaven’s mass jeopardizes its future, an eventuality which would make centuries of state-sponsored desecularization efforts all for nothing. Right wing news sources report that Obama is nevertheless reticent about changing course, and have fueled rumors that the government always culls the obese in batches of seventy-two.

Meanwhile, Heaven still has minimal support and weak foundations, a situation which hasn’t improved over the years despite the best efforts of fervent believers and their dead counterparts. If Heaven continues to sink, scientists warn that it will eventually end up on the planet’s surface, meaning that people will no longer go anywhere when they die.

Heaven’s architect has already been sent to Hell for His negligence in the construction phase, a banishment which answers the age old question ‘can you still sin in Heaven’ with a definitive ‘if you really fuck up.’ Insiders speculate however that this was not the damned architect’s first mistake.

Though the market certainly isn’t right, it seems that unless the problem improves Heaven will have to be sold. Keen observers worldwide are already taking note by amending the golden rule of real estate from ‘location, location, location,’ to the much snappier ‘no fat chicks.’

Artist’s rendering of proposed solution

Cartoon - "A Vicious Circle"

2009-04-09T19:21:00.000+08:00

Cartoons have been a bit thin on the ground recently, so I thought I'd try something new.

Enjoy.

Gollum the Baptist

2009-04-07T14:56:00.000+08:00

From an early age, Gollum loathed water. This unfortunate fact was no less irksome to him despite it sounding exactly like the kind of thing a careless biographer might make up in order to juxtapose it with the shocking revelation that he was born into the River Folk. In the history of appalling sentence constructions shamelessly devised for comic effect, only the disclosure of FDR’s polio on the eve of his first college track meet would be more devastating. And polio’s never funny.

And Gollum was an angry child river-person-thing. He typically responded to his friends’ taunts with his catchphrase warning “you won’t like me when I’m angry!” Historians believe that Gollum’s perpetual failure to transform into the Incredible Hulk only stoked his humiliation, but his Catwoman costume can’t have helped.

“I kept telling him ‘if they bully you, they’re not your friends’,” remembers Gollum’s mother. “He always defended them, saying how they didn't mean it and they were his friends and they genuinely liked him, and that I didn't know what it was like not being popular, just rambling on with these tedious excuses and never ending run on sentences. I think he got it from his father.”

And then there was the speech impediment.

“It was lisp this and lisp that,” she recalls. “It was so infuriating. When he reached ten and he couldn’t pronounce his esses anymore, I actually started bullying him too. ‘Your sspecial sspaghetti ssure wass ssuper tonight!’ he used to say. I haven’t cooked passta ssince… Damn it!”

For whom the bell… rings

But it was the incident with the Ring that saw the bullying reach fever pitch and paved Gollum’s path from then on. Moviegoers who saw Peter Jackson’s heavily biased The Return of the King will recall the introductory scene where Gollum strangled his friend Déagol in order to claim the Ring for himself, saying “it’s mine! Give it to me!” What Gollum actually said was “it’s fine, I give it to thee.” That Déagol continued to allow himself to be strangled after receiving the Ring from Gollum is regrettable, but it was his decision and he did know the risks.

By bravely shouldering the burden of the evil Ring, Gollum prevented his kinsfolk from suffering its mental and physical abuses. In effect, he saved them from having to commit the insidious campaign of thievery and brutal murder he would undertake by doing it himself. To them. Gollum then, was something of a Middle Earth Jack Bauer.

“CTU... I have a visual on the Precious. Over”

Instead of thanking him, however, they escalated their bullying. Cynically anointing him Gollum the Baptist, the River People both painfully recalled his fear of water and ridiculed him for being a fat black man who liked to sing on Sundays. Had the Ring’s corrupting influence not already caused him to become a hideously skinny wretch, we like to think this vicious slander would have given him anorexia, and from there, who knows? A record deal, two movies, premature bibliography and signature perfume. One can only guess.

Ring of fire

Gollum is frequently reviled for his alleged interference with Frodo’s mission to destroy the Ring, and yet his deeds deserve another look. After all, it was Gollum who showed Frodo the way to Mordor, when the ominous orange glow on the horizon, fetid smell of rot, and ‘Mordor This Way’ signs couldn’t. That Gollum tracked the Fellowship and pursued Frodo so enthusiastically is thought to be the earliest recognition of Frodo as the Messiah. And while Sam might not have eaten the food that Gollum disposed of in order to frame him, at least Gollum didn’t eat it. And look at him – he’s starving!

Dead ringer

Gollum is nowadays remembered as the Baptist for his anointment of Frodo in the Dead Marshes. Frodologist baptisms are today largely unchanged: stagnant water, a careful shove for the hesitant, and a heaping dose of holiness! If that doesn’t sound like much fun, don’t worry, initiates have no idea they’re about to baptized right up to the moment they’re tearing the riverweeds away from their throats. We’re second only to the Mormons for unwitting baptisms!

In any case, it’s clear that Gollum’s solitary, abject ascetic lifestyle in the caves below the Misty Mountains was a sign of his holiness. He was a prophet for Frodo before prophets were cool, and before anyone had heard of Frodo. With a mission recently dispatched to Mount Doom to recover the specific piece of magma that engulfed Gollum when he plunged to his death, we expect to finally give Gollum the recognition he deserves by worshiping him in as macabre a fashion as possible.

New “Virtue” videogame disappointing players and parents alike

2009-04-05T09:48:00.003+08:00

A videogame developer is on the receiving end of considerable criticism after its recent release of Virtue: the Game.

Players win the game by being as virtuous as possible, accumulating ‘righteousness points’ through a variety of means, such as treating computer characters compassionately and assaulting homosexuals. The game features an open universe which allows players to explore, and a series of story-based missons, ranging from dropping off a younger brother at soccer practice to bombing abortion clinics.

As you might have guessed, the missions sometimes require the player not to complete them in order to gain righteousness. The developers believe that not being able to complete the missions in order to avoid damnation will add great value to the game, as customers will be “playing it forever.” Virtue also features a novel system that rewards players for not wasting time by playing it.

Within hours of its release, however, Virtue was already being lambasted by players unable to finish the game. One frustrated player called the game “pretty gay,” an accusation which caused the game itself to lose righteousness points and stop working entirely. “I didn’t realize that I couldn’t win without maxing out my character’s Faith stats,” complained another. “I don’t get how god belief is relevant, and it wasn’t in the manual.” The manual itself has attracted criticism, notably for being well over a thousand pages long, its obtuse allusions to game features, and earnest promises of a much better sequel.

Many potential customers have been disenfranchised by Virtue as it’s currently only available on a single platform, XBOX 360, and Microsoft plans to retain exclusive rights to it. “I don’t even believe in Microsoft,” grumbled one PlayStation owner. “I mean, as a company. I don’t support them. Sorry, that could've been misleading.” Though owners of other systems and non-gamers could techincally acquire Virtue, Microsoft warns that it won't work. For the foreseeable future at least, Virtue will be beyond the reach of anyone else.

Another player criticized Virtue for its bizarre game play. “I really didn’t get why there were zombies in it. They seemed completely out of place, but all the game literature says they’re integral to the storyline.” The multiplayer function has attracted criticism too, as it only allows married couples to play together, or siblings if the customers are from Arkansas.

For the first time in gaming history, parent groups have actually sided with their children in the condemnation of Virtue. “Unlike previous games, it’s not affecting their behavior at all,” complained a spokeswoman. “My kids have been playing Virtue constantly, and they’re somehow able to distinguish their experiences in the game from those in real life,” she added. “It’s enough to make me want to poke around for someone else to blame.”

Roy Cozy reviews Lem Fender’s “The Passion of the Frodo II”

2009-04-01T21:00:00.001+08:00

A generic but widely respected, famous scientist, let’s go with Bernoulli, once probably said “atheism is a vile, disgusting abomination against common sense and its filthy practitioners ought never to benefit from my Principle which will one day allow them to fly.” Now that I got that out of my system, let’s get down to business.

Lem Fender’s The Passion of the Frodo II: Back for Mordor is getting a lot of attention from atheists who can’t stand to see Truth at their cinemas, when they’d rather be going to see people fornicating, animals evolving, and other unlikely stories made possible through special effects. But Lem Fender should actually thank those selfish apostates (whom I love), because their antics have knocked the previous number one film out of first place, a film which had been at the top of the list for the better part of two years. Think how outdated its contents must have been!

But those ungrateful atheists (whom I love dearly) could learn a thing or two from The Passion, if only they took time out of their selfishness to be more un…selfish…y. It has a pure, simple message, one of hope and faith, one that atheists could see if only they weren’t blinded by their hatred and hurtful indifference. What is that message?

This film had a maker. It didn’t just spring up out of the ground like a coke can. It was lovingly crafted by someone (who loves you), laboriously labored over with love, until it reached the cutting room and two-thirds of it were casually (but lovingly) tossed aside. Films, like alligeese and contrived examples in general, have creators too.

The most noticeable aspect of Fender’s film is the tender message of love, hope, and faith, and the inspiring vehicle of uninhibited violence he uses to deliver it. Like a French farmer hell bent on making foie gras out of his gagging victims, Fender forces this gentle story of compassion down his audience’s collective throat, their fate as sealed as the cinema’s doors. You might call this his coup de ‘gras’.

Fender simply doesn’t want his audience to forget the depth of Frodo’s love for mankind.

Moving along, - oh, no, we’re not finished with the violence yet. Squeamish audience members should understand that the violence isn’t gratuitous, it has a purpose. The greater the cruelty inflicted on Frodo in the film, the more Fender makes atheists look like heathen ingrates. It’s necessary because Fender, like me, loves atheists so much.

Some critics have questioned the historicity of Frodo’s beating. ‘Historicity’ is a funny word. Let’s move on.

Fender’s motivation for the degree of onscreen brutality is the need to properly convey the depth of Frodo’s sacrifice. “I wanted to make this movie realistic. You can’t have a realistic movie about the supernatural without B-movie levels of gore. If you have miracles on screen, you need to scale up the bloodshed too, or it’s just not realistic. You know, it’s necessary. For the realism.”

Oddly, the other notable aspect of The Passion of the Frodo II that I’ll cover in my review is the satirically convenient allegations of anti-Gondorianism. Superficially there is a degree of what crass people like to call ‘racism’, which they attribute to Fender’s dislike of his high school Gondorian classics teacher, Alfjew J. Jewenstein. But moviegoers wondering why Gondorians are portrayed as a howling, hideous mob should remember that there were no orcs around at that time to be the object of Fender’s evident disgust. It would have been nice, yes, but we can’t just make up history. Is this film anti-Gondorian? No more than Frodology is itself.

In sum, this movie will make you feel like you've been born again. And not the spiritually enlightened, fuzzy evangelical sort of born again. The filthy, visceral, placenta stuck to the bottom of your shoe kind of born again. It's nasty, but it feels so right. Only Frodo could make me feel that way.

This movie is rated R, for religious, and is required watching for all children.

Banana.

March says to February: suck it!

2009-03-30T17:08:00.005+08:00

February might have been a good month, but March is now the gleam in Frodo's eye. Our exponential growth has continued from an average 36.39 daily visitors in February to a whopping 39.74 in March.

For those of you saying "but an average increase of 3 daily visitors isn't exponential," um, yes it is. It's an exponent to the tune of 1.024501. Yeah, I calculated that shit. Math saves the day again. Take that, religion!

Even more impressive, our average increase in visitors isn't an increase of average visitors, if you'll take a minute to see what I did there. Clever, I know. How do I know my visitors are quality people? By virtue of the fact that they're here, participating in the denegration of sincerely held beliefs, the disintegration of millennial-old institutions, and their replacement with a comical mockery of the real thing. If that's not time well spent, I don't know what is.

Much of this growth (did I mention it's exponential?) is, I'm certain, attributable to the recruitment of the incomparable CodewordConduit. The entwives were more jubilant than they'd been in years with her arrival, so much so that I locked them all up in a sound proof pen so I could get some sleep. Oh... ffuuu-!

I am sad to report that the entwives have gone missing again. No one saw them leave, but something tells me we won't be seeing them in a while. In other news, we've recently come into an abundance of firewood. It's freshly hewn, and must go fast. Drop me a line.

And lastly, a selection of keyword searches which have brought unsuspsecting interwebbers to Frodology this month:

"what if frodo had died on mount doom"	Ignoring the blasphemy long enough to answer the question, I daresay there would be no Frodology had that happened, as religions which posthumously worship people for their deaths rather than their good deeds are hard to come by
"why doesnt sauron go invisible when he wears the ring"	Luckily this question was asked in the FAQ and answered, after a fashion
"words to uy my tacos it is asong"	If it is asong, then I am agog
"frodo sam mary pippin go place"	Boy, did they ever! This summer I too plan to go place
"who is sexiest aragorn legolas gimli"	Gimli, with his mane of fiery hair
"how did the utahraptors become extinct"	Luckily he will have learned that the Mormons did it
"i am a post op transsexual"	With a slightly appalling three searches for these exact words

And people are still searching for Dr. Michael J. Bisconti. Or should I say, Dr. MJB is still searching for himself?

Lastly, I'd just like to ask for some opinions on article length. Do you think the articles are generally of a readable length, or are they too long? Too short? Too awesome? I'd appreciate some feedback.

Bring on April!

Children are our greatest resource. Let’s harvest them now!

2009-03-29T20:00:00.002+08:00

Rarely does a day go by without someone reminding us how important children are. Save the children. Clothe the children. Feed the children. Teach the children. Cook the children. Excuse me, cook for the children. And these are just the charities. Next they’ll want us to stop beating them too (‘physical riposte’, in the jargon). But who else are we supposed to take our anger out on? Hitting anyone else would be a crime!

But do we really need reminding? Parents don’t bring children into the world lightly. A father knows the risk that his target-wife will become a swollen mockery of her former sexy self, and it is a burden he must shoulder every time he thinks about sex, which is to say, every time he thinks about anything but food, and sometimes even then too. And who could forget that a burst condom is the most heinous crimesin in the eyes of Frodo? A quick tally gives you

Original crimesin of the conceived child
Attempted abortion (through the, uh, abortive use of contraceptives)
Aiding and abetting the child’s original crimesin (you’d better hope there aren’t twins!)
Deriving pleasure from sex itself

That children are a drain on society goes without saying, leeching us of our resources one guiltily-given penny at a time. In the midst of all this wasted money, it can be hard to see how we can turn these grimy freeloaders into an investment. “Show me how to harvest them!” I hear you saying.

While some of the following ideas might strike you as odd, they are part of a new wave of alternative childrearing theories, or as I like to call it, Intelligent Parenting. If it’s good enough for Texas, it’s good enough for whichever shitty little town you come from!

1. Child labor

I know what you’re thinking. Such an ugly word. But you’d be wrong. It’s actually two words. And in the UK, it’s spelled child labour, which looks much friendlier.

Squeamish government agencies have this quaint notion that children need protecting and should be prevented from working. But what kind of capitalist system do we have if we can’t open it up to all comers? Shouldn’t the avid consumers of the toy industry be allowed to participate in their making? Anything else is just perverse.

Savvy parents can utilize the full range of capitalist institutions to reap the benefit of their children’s new employment. Play time can be called ‘going on strike’, and the family Rottweiler could be renamed ‘Strike Breaker'. Instead of whipping your boy with your belt, you’re now using the ‘invisible hand’. Pinstripe trousers and funny moustaches are optional. I imagine it looking something like this.

Click to enlarge... if you like your child abuse nice and big, you sick fuck

“What about an economy of scale?” you say? I’m glad you asked.

2. Twins

Frodologist parents will find that their children work much more productively if they have sufficient to institute a production line and/or shifts. Twins, triplets, and further manifestations of fetal bad luck are gifts from Frodo, and a sign that you should use them as enthusiastically as their frail, premature skeletal structures will allow.

Barren like the Plains of Dagorlad? Unable to conceive? Well don’t let a lack of imagination get you down! Ah, but seriously, baby theft, or as we like to call it – ‘adoption’ – is always an option. The Christian organization Accidental Parenthood literally has thousands of unwanted kids, including specimens in the much sought-after Potential Children™ range.

If this sounds like something you might be interested in, inquire about Frodology’s Sackfull Movement. Sackfulls are inspired by Scripture, which ~~warns~~ encourages followers that...

You also get a free t-shirt.

3. Smart charities

Finally, we encourage you to donate only to charities which use their resources responsibly. Based on that canny atheist notion of nihilist morality, these ‘smart charities’ use regional concepts of ethics to allocate their limited means to greatest effect. For example, our analysts realized that charities which aim respectively to alleviate poverty and reduce starvation are actually competing, but share a common goal. Thanks to our efforts, many Ethiopians now achieve both by eating their superfluous children.

Hello? Who’s this? The Nobel Foundation? Our Peace Prize is on the way? Genius!

With all of this excellent parenting going on, don’t forget to keep the end goal in mind. By populating Frodo’s green Earth with little Frodologists, or Frodologist children of Frodologists as I understand the new atheist vernacular to have it, the Faith will reach exponential growth. Once we reach a critical mass, we can finally have our day of rest, safe in the knowledge that we’re too big to ignore.

Sit back, and like adolescent hormonal clockwork, your little chav children will run around creating even more little chav children.

Ah, yes.

We’re the state’s problem now.

Resurrection - harder than it looks?

2009-03-26T23:08:00.001+08:00

Part III of the ‘I Believe in Miracles’ series of articles for Frodology

Religions are usually chock full of miracles, and it's a good thing too, because otherwise they'd be as boring as going to church, and no one likes going to church. Not even Jesus. But full of entertaining, jaw-dropping, and stupefyingly improbable events as they are, religions keep you, me and Jesus sufficiently amused for an hour each week, bridging the gap between Sunday morning TV and brunch.

But in depending on their audiences' stunned credulity, religions are also extremely vulnerable. Because what if they're false?

If I understand my theology, and I think I do, Jesus was stapled to a more or less crossish plank of wood and left to die, which he eventually did after several Ridley Scott-inspired drawn out and highly dramatic sequences. Then, with a stunning Ronald Reagan-like refusal to die, he rose from the dead, and in doing so spawned a whole subgenre of amateurish horror films.

Now, the problem posed is that science currently doesn’t recognize resurrection as an activity of which humans are generally capable, opposable thumbs notwithstanding. Certainly, if we peruse history, we encounter several near misses:

In 1099, legend has it that El Cid fought off Death’s scythe and led his troops to victory over the Muslim hordes at the gates of Valencia. What the Muslims didn’t know was that El Cid had died and was simply strapped to his horse. He would later not come back to life.

Lord of Gondor and companion of Frodo, Boromir son of Denethor fought and killed several Uruk-hai while nursing a chest full of arrows. He died shortly thereafter, and other than a deleted scene in the subsequent film, would not come back to life either.

Jesus… oh, wait, never mind.

Anastasia Romanov was the daughter of the last Czar of Russia, and though believed for decades to have been murdered by Bolsheviks in 1917, was suspected by some still to be alive. A 1997 Disney film based on the myth captured the hearts of millions of children, until her decomposed body was discovered an almost comically short time later to prove that, no, in fact, she had died as advertized.

So, if Jesus was actually resurrected, history isn’t going to help us and we need to examine the hard science behind his particular case.

Possibility #1 – Jesus was a zombie

It has been demonstrated by countless films and highly unverifiable folklore that humans are capable of resurrection, the unfortunate caveat being that they become zombies. The traditional view of the zombie, or ‘undead’, is that of a mindless automaton that eats ‘brains’. This is of course a sexed up Hollywood stereotype. Prudent zombies are thought to be every bit as clued up on the dangers of hematophagy as a disease vector as we are, and are more discriminate in their consumption of blood products these days for the risk of HIV.

The one bit of evidence in support of this theory is that zombies are unhindered by serious blood loss. It is thought that Jesus’ own blood loss would have been prodigious due to his hemophilia which he would have inevitably inherited due to the eons of inbreeding kicked off by Adam and Eve.

Possibility #2 - Jesus was an immortal wizard

Alternatively, it is possible that, like Gandalf, Jesus was a wizard who couldn’t die, even after falling from a very great height and then climbing back up that very great height, all the while hacking and slashing at a demon wrought from smoke and fire.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

Possibility #3 - Jesus never lived

We must also recognize the chance that Jesus never lived in the first place. The so-called 'Jesus Myth' hypothesis, popularized by certain scholars of the ancient Middle East, states that the historical person of Jesus Christ was most likely an inanimate sack of flour, or perhaps a scarecrow. Accordingly, the physical attribute of never being alive would have made death less of a problem for Jesus, and crucifixion a mild inconvenience at most.

It's all coming together...

The only complication still being researched by scientists is a linguistic one. The problem is it is not known whether 'to resurrect' is a reflexive verb. Those who argue a subject can resurrect itself have some explaining to do, as it is generally thought that dead people are incapable of acting out verbs.

Please feel free to read the other articles in the ‘Miracles’ series:
Part I - Is Jesus out of blood by now?
Part II - How hard is it for virgins to give birth?

The Lord of the Rings (Abridged), Book III

2009-03-21T19:25:00.001+08:00

	The hobbits arrive in Mordor. It’s nothing like what they were shown on the pamphlet, and much of it isn’t even built yet. Frodo and Sam are disappointed, and the tension threatens to cleave their friendship in two.
Sam	You promised me a beautiful honeymoon, and look where we are! Stinking marshes, bleak mountains, no wildlife, and countless English pubs full of shaven heads and football shirts. We might as well have stayed at home.
Frodo	The ‘Cock and Lion’ looks alright.
Sam	No! I’m sleeping outside tonight.
	Orcs cross the River Anduin into Gondor under the cover of night to sack Osgiliath.

"Is anyone actually in charge here?"

	Gandalf and Merry arrive in Gondor. Gandalf and Pippin. Merry. They prepare to defend Minas Tirith against an attack from Sauron’s ugliest army yet. They watch from the walls as legions of orcs approach.
Gondor Soldier #1	I say, William, they’ve got nothing on us. Look at our armor: shiny and lovely. Perfect spiffing gentlemen we are. And look at them. Disgusting!
Soldier #2	Mmm, quite.
	Meanwhile, Theoden and his army depart from Rohan. Desperate to fight, Merry is almost left behind, but is brought along at the last minute by some broad on a horse. Sorry, I meant Pippin.
Pippin	I have a pointy sword.
Broad on horse	I know, I wish you weren’t sitting behind me.
	Even more meanwhile, Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas are traipsing around some caves looking for a narrative device that will deliver Minas Tirith from certain doom with a swift blow of deus ex machina. They find it in an army of invincible ghost soldiers. Yep, first I'd heard of it too.
Ghost King	How do I know you’re not going to use us as a cop out by having us defeat all of Sauron’s armies, rather than just the handful or orcs running around outside Minas Tirith?
Aragorn	Don’t worry, there’s this convenient back story which means I’ll have to release you from your servitude after you liberate Minas Tirith, but before we go and attack Mordor proper. It’ll seem like a silly thing to do, but I didn’t write this.
	Orcs attacking Minas Tirith are slaughtered by ghost army.
Soldier #1	Look, William, didn’t even get my armor dirty. Don’t you think I look dashing with this flushed complexion and heavy breathing?
Soldier #2	Mmm, yes.
	Gollum tricks Frodo into thinking that Sam has been eating all their food. Frodo abandons Sam and decides to destroy the Ring by himself, which is funny, because so far Frodo hasn’t been able to do anything by himself. Usefully, Sam sits down and cries it out. Gollum leads Frodo into a dark cave…
Frodo	You know Gollum, I really am glad I trusted you. You’re a good friend…
Gollum	[Hiding, with echoing voice] Yes, hobbit…. [Laughs]
Frodo	Gollum? Gollum?! Where are you?
	Frodo is stung by a giant spider. Had he not immediately become paralyzed, he would have said this…
Frodo	At least Gollum had nothing to do with this.
	Tear ducts empty, Sam decides he’s not a little weenie after all and goes to help Frodo. Thinking Frodo is dead, he manages to remove the Ring from Frodo right before a band of orcs find him and carry his inert body away. In hiding, Sam overhears them discussing the fact that Frodo is still alive. Lucky they were discussing this in English, a language that Sam understood, and not their own native Mordor tongue, which Sam couldn’t speak. Yes, very lucky. Sam rescues Frodo.
Frodo	Thanks for rescuing me Sam! Shame the orcs got the Ring. I was really looking forward to hiking up Mount Doom, avoiding all of those orcs, chucking it into the fire, and not making it out alive. Oh well, guess we’d better head back to the Shire.
Sam	Not so fast! I have the Ring! I took when I thought you were dead.
Frodo	Oh… Yay. Great job. Woo. Now we get to go to Mount Doom. I was so worried there for a minute, you know, that we wouldn’t get to, because the Ring was gone. Awesome.
	Aware that there hasn’t been an epic battle seen for at least five minutes, Aragorn decides to attack Mordor with his vastly inferior forces.
Aragorn	Today we fight for Frodo!
All	For Frodo!
Legolas	Frododo!
	Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam approach Mount Doom.
Frodo	I wonder where Gollum is.
	Gollum appears from behind a boulder and throws a stone at Sam’s head.
Frodo	Oh, there he is.
	Frodo runs up the slope and into Mount Doom to destroy the Ring.
Gollum	No, Master Hobbit! Give it to me! Don’t destroy the Precious!
Frodo	Look, Gollum, I’ve trusted you so far because you’ve never given me reason to do otherwise. But I really think this is something that needs to happen.
Gollum	[Jumps on Frodo’s back, bites his finger off and steals the Ring] Ah ha! It’s mine! The Precious!
Frodo	What’s this? Betrayal? What are the odds?!
	Gollum falls in the fires of Mount Doom, destroying the Ring. Mordor sort of implodes. Sam and Frodo chill on a rock in the middle of a stream of lava awaiting rescue.

"That went well."

Sam	You know who else had a gay name?
Frodo	Hmm?
Sam	Tom Bombadil.
Frodo	Oh yeah, I forgot about that guy. You know who I miss?
Sam	Who?
Frodo	Gollum. He had a good heart.
	A group of giant eagles rescue Frodo and Sam, who are at this point too tired to note that these birds might have come in handy earlier. Aragorn is crowned King of Gondor.

"Maybe I'll let them vote one day... Nah."

	The hobbits return to the Shire to find that Saruman has escaped from Isengard to enslave the Shire. Chronic voter apathy among hobbits means that most haven't even noticed.
Sam	I don't remember this part.
Frodo	Yeah, it surprised me too. Say, good woman, what news of Hobbiton?
Hobbit woman	What? Who are you? Oh yeah... you're them four 'obbits what went off adventuring, leavin' us 'ere to our own devices. But I thought ya was all male, if ye know what I'm sayin'.

	The hobbits foster an uprising against Saruman and his lunatic policy of 'industrialization'. Saruman is betrayed and killed by Wormtongue, who is in turn slain by archers working for Al Gore.
Archer	What an inconvenient poof.
	Frodo and Sam consummate their friendship, and by that I mean their friendship is consummate. Frodo tires of his mortal life and sails west into the Undying Lands. Presumably that means a land where people are undying, since lands don't really die, and that would just be redundant. I guess it could just be called 'Lands'. The Shire returns to normal and never industrializes thanks to vast oil reserves discovered under local hobbits' fields. It remains largely unchanged to this day. That is to say, Heaven.

The Lord of the Rings (Abridged), Book II

2009-03-18T12:05:00.006+08:00

(Further) Dramatis Personae
Eowyn	Largely unimportant filler character who falls in love with Aragorn, then settles for....
Faramir	Brother of Boromir, ranger of Gondor and casual philatelist
Eomer	Brother of Eowyn, used to fighting hordes of orcs but unable to fight his way into the abridged script
Polymer	A high tensile plastic
Wormtongue	Nickname of former Secretary of State of Florida, Katherine Harris

In case you missed it, the story began with Book I. Last we saw, Frodo and Sam were boldly setting off in the direction of Mordor to destroy the Ring; Merry and Pippin were captured by orcs who'd yet to discover that, just like Chinese people, all hobbits look the same; and Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli took in the sights of beautiful North Gondor before setting out to rescue the Olsen hobbits.

Aragorn	The orcs are two days ahead. We have a hard trek ahead of us.
Gimli	OMFG! Why didn’t we just leave when I said we should? And why didn’t we bring our horses?
Legolas	Peshffsdff fuddd
Gimli	What?
Legolas	Peshhenf duff
Gimli	Seriously… what?
Legolas	[Rubbing his jaw] Patience, dwarf. Sorry, it’s been weeks since I last spoke.
	Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas pursue the orcs, who are butchered by the ~~Celts~~ men of Rohan. Merry and Pippin manage to escape the orcs during the attack, hide in a nearby forest, and encounter some ents, basically walking talking trees. It’s as dull as it sounds, so we’re going to skip that bit.
Aragorn	[Staring at pile of dead orcs] Bummer. Looks like those Rohan dudes got Merry and Pippin too. Maybe we should have stayed with Frodo and Sam like Gandalf told us to in the first place and not wasted all that time.
Gandalf	Yo. Not dead. Hobbits alive too. With ents.
Gimli	Ents?
Gandalf	Walking talking trees.
Gimli	Sounds kind of gay.
Gandalf	Yeah. Pretty boring. Going to Rohan to get help from King. Come with?
Gimli	Fo sho.
	Theoden, King of Rohan under some sort of spell cast by Saruman. Gandalf breaks it.
Gandalf	That’s two strikes, Saruman.
Aragorn	I don’t think he can hear you.
Theoden	Good to be back. What’s shaking?
Gandalf	Orcs. Attacking. Must go to fortress. Helm’s Deep. Hide.
Theoden	Are you sure? It’s awfully drafty this time of year.
	All of Rohan travels to Helm’s Deep under edict of Gandalf. Gandalf meanwhile goes off to look for help.
Serf #1	Great, now we have two kings.
Serf #2	Those pamphlets of yours really aren’t working.
Serf #1	Well maybe if you helped out once in a while.
Serf #2	Easy for you to say! I’ve got a mortgage and six kids to raise on a government pension. You’re still living at home.
Serf #1	It makes sense for me financially.
Serf #2	No one who still lives with his parents has ever been elected president of anything.
Serf #1	Shut up! I’m going to get my own place, it’s just not the right time.
Serf #2	The ‘right time’? It’s never the right time with you. You’re pathetic.
Serf #1	Ugh. You’re just. Gah. You don’t understand. It’s not. Grr. I hate you.
	On the way to Helm's Deep, the groups fights off an attack by orcs and Aragorn fights off sexual advances from a minor character.

"M'lady, I cannot lie... you'd be my Plan B."

	Saruman’s orcs attack Helm’s Deep. Their crude weapons are no match for thick stone walls.
Theoden	This is going well.
	A wall explodes in a cacophonous boom.
Captain	Looks like Saruman’s invented gunpowder.
Theoden	What did you say?
Captain	I said it looks like Saruman has invented gunpowder.
Theoden	What’s gunpowder?
Captain	I don’t know, but it clearly makes big explosions.
Theoden	Well why did you call it that?
Captain	Because that’s what it’s called.
Theoden	Why isn’t it just called ‘explosive powder’?
Captain	I don’t know. It’s just called ‘gunpowder’.
Theoden	But what’s a gun?
Captain	I… I, I don’t know. [Stammers]
Theoden	It just seems like a strange thing to say. ‘Gunpowder’. Hmm.
	Things go poorly until Gandalf turns up in the nick of time and wipes out the orcs.
Gandalf	Strike three, Saruman.
	Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Theoden and his army go to Isengard, home of Saruman to register a complaint. They arrive to discover that the ents, under encouragement of Merry and Pippin, have destroyed it, bankrupting Saruman Industries Inc. Theoden’s plans to sue Saruman for damages are abandoned for wont of assets sufficient to settle the claim. Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam are trekking through hostile country on the way to Mordor when they discover an unlikely creature.
Gollum	Surprise! Give me my ring back, hobbits!
Frodo	Oh, it’s you. When he said ‘unlikely creature’ I was hoping it would be… well, nevermind.[Hastily rolls up a magazine and puts it back in his bag]
Sam	I think we should put a rope around this fella. I don’t trust him.
Frodo	He’ll be fine. You should really have more faith in people, Sam.
	Gollum betrays them.
Sam	Can I put a leash on him now?
Frodo	I suppose, but you should really learn to be more forgiving and trusting, Sam.
	Gollum agrees to lead them to Mordor, mostly because he doesn't have a choice. We call this 'duress', and while it might make you feel big, it just makes you a bully. No one likes a bully.
	Meanwhile, the hobbits are waylayed by Faramir.
Faramir	Ah, the Ringbearer. You must give it to me, Frodo. The Ring is a gift to Gondor.
Frodo	It won't be if you steal it.
Faramir	Give it to me! Gondor will use the Ring as a great weapon against Mordor.
Frodo	But how will you use it?
Faramir	Well, um, I guess I'll put it on, and um, go invisible, and then... maybe if... I, I haven't really thought this through.
Frodo	And that's why you're a minor character. Later, Fillermir.
Sam	Nice leather bodice, jerk. [Aside to Faramir] I'm so sorry, I totally didn't mean that, it actually looks super. [Winks at Faramir]

"I like it too, milord"

	Gollum leads Frodo and Sam away from Gondor into Mordor. He makes a plan to retrieve the Ring from Frodo
Gollum	[To himself] The hobbits have the precious, and they want to destroy it! But we can't lets them, can we precious? No, no we can't. Even if hobbits are good to us. No, we must take them to Her... yes, She will deal with them...
Frodo	Gollum! Could you please keep it down? I'm trying to convince Sam to trust you and I can barely hear myself think.
	Our story ends here. Temporarily. There's another whole book. I know, can you believe it? Check back soon for Book III!

The Lord of the Rings (Abridged), Book I

2009-03-15T13:30:00.001+08:00

Dramatis Personae
Frodo	A hobbit; our Messiah
Bilbo	His uncle, sounds suspiciously like ‘dildo’
Gandalf	Wizard and avid baseball fan
Samwise	Frodo’s gardener, of tubby appearance and sycophantic disposition
Merry & Pippin	The Mary Kate and Ashley of hobbits, but male
Strider/Aragorn	Exiled would-be King of Gondor. Oops that sort of ruined the ending
Boromir	Heir of Gondor’s stewardship. I smell tension!
Gimli	A dwarf with an axe to grind... ha!
Legolas	An elf
Sauron	Basically the Devil
Ringwraiths	His minions, nine corrupted kings who harrow Frodo on his quest and meet on Wednesdays for amateur vocal group
Gollum	Former owner of Bilbo’s ring, looks something like a starving David Bowie
Saruman	Evil wizard. Not a baseball fan

Book I

	Impish creatures frolic in green pastures that look suspiciously like New Zealand. A wizard approaches.
Frodo	Gandalf! You’re late!
Gandalf	Shut the fuck up. Where’s this party?
	Bilbo, is having a party. No one remembers why. He addresses the inhabitants of the Shire.
Bilbo	[Drunkenly] I tire of thee. I shall take my leave of this place on the morrow.
	Oh yeah, that’s why he’s having a party. Bilbo slips on a ring, the pilfered loot of a previous book, and vanishes to the surprise of all but the countless people rereading this book for the fifth time. Frodo returns home looking for Bilbo.
Frodo	Dildo! Woah, where’d that come from? Bilbo, where are you?
Gandalf	B scarpered. Left you this funny ring. Full of evil. Should probably make yourself scarce. Must go. Tix for Wimbledon. Tara!
Sam	Couldn’t help but overhear you’re going on an adventure. Figured I could make myself useful to the plot. Also, I’m a tiny bit gay. Not liking this ominous music much. Maybe we should go.
Frodo	Cool.
	Frodo and Sam encounter Merry & Pippin in a corn field violating a farmer’s daughter. They come with. The party spends a night at an inn.
Strider	Pretty ring you got there.
Frodo	Thanks. I’m waiting ‘til I get married.
Strider	No I meant that shiny one.
Frodo	Oh. [Grows cagey] Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
Strider	Relax, my grimy, unkempt appearance is just for dramatic effect. It’ll make the revelation that I’m the heir to the throne of a distant kingdom that much more startling. Oops. Well you had to find out eventually.
	Bonding and several narrow escapes ensue. Frodo is stabbed at one point by a Ringwraith who, I’ve gotta be honest here, just wasn’t trying very hard. It was probably the most gingerly poking motion I’ve ever seen. Really not promotion material. Anyway Frodo is carried by Glorfindel, an elf, on his horse to Elrond’s house for a little R & R.
Frodo	[Groggily] Glorfindel… don’t you think that’s a pretty gay name?
Glorfindel	I do.
	The group reach the house of Elrond, who is busy showing a film crew around his mad pad for MTV’s Cribz. The show is cancelled before he can finish. Gandalf returns from Wimbledon.
Elrond	Ah, Mr. ~~Anderson~~ Baggins. Let me introduce you to an unlikely assembly of mixed race protagonists.
Boromir, Gimli, Legolas	Sup.
Frodo	How was Wimbledon, Gandalf?
Gandalf	Rained out. Did some research meantime. Ring is evil. Must be destroyed. Only you can do it.
Frodo	But what about my much more muscular and capable acquaintances? I’d choose them. Surely picking me would require my audience to suspend their disbelief a little too far.
Gandalf	I think they’ll still go for it.
	The ‘Fellowship’ departs Elrond’s with a single pony, which makes you wonder, how the hell did they all get there in the first place? I mean, it’s in the goddamn mountains. Did they walk? They walked up the mountains? And if they did have horses, why did they leave them? None of this makes sense.
Gimli	Kinda snowy up here. Maybe we should go under the mountain.
Aragorn	Sounds easy and not in the least bit sinister. What could possibly go wrong?
	Fellowship goes under the mountain. A lot goes wrong. Gandalf mistakes a bottomless crevice for the exit.
Frodo	Gandalf!
Aragorn	Yeah, grief will do that.
	Fellowship notices Legolas has yet to speak. They ask him for his opinion. He suggests they spend the night in an enchanted forest full of singing woodland creatures.
Gimli	I hate singing woodland creatures.
Elf	Say, what’s this, a band of miscreants walking through Lothlórien?
Gimli	Wtf is Lothlórien?
Elf	The realm of the Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn.
Merry	Mr. Elf? Why is ‘Celeborn’ a typo, but ‘Galadriel’ isn’t?
	Fellowship spends night in Lothlórien. Lady Galadriel gives each traveler a gift. Gimli asks for a strand of her hair, a request so gay it makes Glorfindel look like Chuck Norris. Fellowship paddles downstream in boats.
Gandalf	Tired. Exposed beach. Threatening trees. Smell of orc. Let’s make camp.
Aragorn	I agree. What could possibly go wrong?
	Frodo goes wandering in forest. Has erotic experience on stone chair. Boromir, jealous he has been passed over as the story’s hero, wants to take the Ring from Frodo for himself.
Frodo	You can’t have it!
Boromir	But why?
Frodo	Gandalf said I’m the only one who can destroy it.
Boromir	That seems implausible.
Frodo	Yeah, it does a bit doesn’t it?
Boromir	Well I don’t want it anyway. It’s only a McGuffin.
	Frodo runs off. Orcs sent by evil wizard Saruman attack. Fighting and heroics ensue. Boromir takes an arrow in the chest while defending Merry. No, it was Pippin. No, Merry.
Boromir	Hssss… Ow!!
	Boromir takes another arrow in the chest.
Boromir	Arghhhh!
	Boromir takes yet another arrow in the chest.
Boromir	Arghhhh! Oh come on!
	Boromir dies in Aragorn’s arms, as the budgeting department breathes a heavy sigh of relief that they can cut one expensive cast member from the payroll. Frodo and Sam, all evidence to the contrary, decide that they can do a better job of destroying the ring by themselves. Mary Kate and Pippin are captured by orcs. Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas decide to hunt down said orcs, and delay their departure just long enough to make a convincing three-day ordeal out of the relatively simple task. The Lord of the Rings (Abridged), Book II, coming soon!

Are you afraid of scaremongering headlines? Research suggests you should be

2009-03-12T22:00:00.001+08:00

It’s widely accepted in the world of media that panic is always a safer choice than skepticism, because what if you’re wrong? If news outlets took the time to check the veracity of a threat before broadcasting it to the unsuspecting masses, we would lose twenty-four valuable seconds to prepare for each threat, or approximately the time it takes for the average American to eat a steak.

This is why purveyors of the quality alarmist media are safer on average than their better educated, thinner, and predominantly East Coast compatriots. It’s only because informed citizens are aware of the full range of threats that they can sit down and enjoy their breakfasts and their Us magazine. Indeed, skeptical viewers must spend so much time verifying whether looking at your own penis makes you gay that they don’t have time for Us, or for InStyle, or even for People. Would you want to live in a world where you didn’t know about celebrity obesity?

Few prudent Americans would deny that the minuscule chance that bees don’t carry HIV doesn’t mean it’s not worth buying your entire family hazmat suits. Nor can anyone contest that Y2K bugs are only getting worse each year. Before the Y2K08 bug, cats were universally known as man’s best friend. But look at them now! Despicable, ungrateful creatures, hardly deserving of the name ‘pet’. Scientists expect the Y2K09 bug will make your child more promiscuous. In a world where bees carry HIV, is this really something you’d want?

Statistics show that that people least likely to be frightened by scaremongering headlines are the skeptics, a category of people renowned for watching DVD box sets of cancelled 90s TV shows in the basement, like The X-Files, Farscape, and Designing Women. In addition, research indicates that the implausibility of a threat becomes less important the more people dwell on it. If videogames weren’t going to make kids violent by themselves, then by God, good parents were going to manipulate the evidence to make it look that way, because people needed to know!

Anchors resent allegations that their niche news outlets serve corporate or political interests. In one much publicized case, a popular station risked outcry when it warned viewers that homosexuality may be linked to not eating enough red meat. Unfortunately, ninety-six percent of over the counter heartburn medicine is made by companies whose CEOs are rampantly and dangerously gay, so either way, they win! It wasn’t cheery, feel good news, but damn it, they did their journalistic duty and reported it.

Skeptics, of course, don’t want us to be frightened by headlines. They seem to forget that the world is, by its Christian nature, a scary place. They want to be comforted and coddled, and told everything is going to be ok. And then they have the gall to turn around and reject Jesus and the comfort he brings Americans, who need him for protection from the evils of the world. Nor should we forget the economic realities under which the alarmist media must operate. Those responsible for warning the public about incredible threats would go out of business if we ignored them, and who would warn us then?

So next time you drink a glass of water and marvel that it hasn’t been fluoridated by the Soviets, just remember who told you.

The Ring (of non-desire)

2009-03-10T22:00:00.000+08:00

Wait! Sex Week might have officially finished, but that doesn't mean we can't still talk about it. A guest author, who likes to known as Anonymous, has submitted this thought-provoking study on the shortcomings of purity rings.

This article is about to raise a question which was so hotly debated that when it was first posed back in 1996 it almost broke the internet. “What does Frodo think about purity rings?” I should say that I honestly don’t know how Frodo feels about sex; but, I am confident that I could manipulate at least some of the Scriptures in such a way to make it seem like Frodo is massively against it. It is from this proved and logical premise we move forward.

Here is an all too familiar conversation that people who wear purity rings regularly have:

Jane: “Do you like my new ring?”
Blake: “It’s cool. You take it off when you give handjobs right? Looks like it could be painful.”
Jane: “I don’t ever take it off. It stops me from having sex.”
Blake: “Oh cool. How does it work?”
Jane: “Er… ”
Blake: “Any chance of a footjob?”

You see the problem with other faiths is that their purity rings have no real power to stop people from having sex. It's all willpower this and shame that. Both of those things are dead unreliable. This is a worrying fact. What we need is some new thinking. A new perspective. We need a sort of Purity Ring 2.0. We need boner fide technology to physically stop people from having sex... Here are just three of my suggestions:

1. The ring has a refillable cartridge that releases anti-pheromones:

Pheromones clearly work. Why would people buy them if they didn’t? Also, Frodo loves commodities. Imagine this money-making to and fro at your local store:

Assistant: How can I help you today?
Father: We are looking for a refill cartridge for our son’s purity ring?
Assistant: Hmmm… I see that you have been using the Mickey Rourke plug in. Have you thought about changing him to the Danny De Vito Deluxe package? That’ll keep the ladies away.
Father: Sold shopkeep. We also have a young daughter. What do you recommend for her to repel the boys?
Assistant: The Whoopi Goldberg is our bestseller.

2. The ring is made of Kryptonite

Run with me on this one. Superman is probably the hardest man alive. Yet, when he even goes near Kryptonite he gets bad headaches, adopts the foetal position, grimaces, etc. Everyone knows you can’t have sex with a headache. So what would happen if a normal kid went near Kryptonite? Exactly. On the downside Kryptonite is fictional, expensive and rare. On the other hand Lex Luther is well into Frodology.

3. The ring is so shiny that any sort of romantic “navigation” is impossible due to blindness

A lot of you have thought ‘what can hip hop teach Frodology?’ I don’t know and it is completely off the topic of this article. I didn’t know a lot about sex before writing this but thanks to a fascinating link I found after googling the phrase ‘stimulus package’ I think I get a good idea of how it’s done. In light of this new knowledge, what would happen if the ring was super shiny? Hello! Here is a believable scenario that reflects my new found understanding of sex:

Claire: What are you doing? You’re hurting me.
Dan: Sorry, I can’t see anything! Your ring is blinding me.
Claire: What can we do?
Dan: I guess we’ll have to stop.
[Claire looks disappointedly at the cameraman]

Even in the early days of purity rings,

wearers had difficult convincing others of their sincerity

Where do you stand in the scheme of things?

2009-03-08T21:00:00.002+08:00

Following requests for transparency from our members, we have decided to make public for the first time the Faith’s official ranking scheme. Unfortunately, the branches of Frodo’s temporal government are so convoluted that not even I, its leader, know the full extent of the system, nor even in fact whether I really am its leader.

Truly, Frodo works in mysterious ways.

Underling

Converted atheists start out at the bottom of the pack. As explained in How to Join Frodology Part II this is actually just a portmanteau of Underhill, a common hobbit surname, and halfling, another name for hobbits, and there is nothing sinister about it.

Nothing inherently sinister about it, I should say. Early Faith leaders decided it would be appropriate to retrofit a degree of despicability to Underlings befitting of their name. Thanks to modern human rights standards, however, we’ve left the Dark Ages far behind and can proudly announce that these days, Underlings are allowed to keep six of their favorite fingers. Also, rather than the highly unsafe practice of sewing eyelids shut that prevailed in previous centuries, surgeons now prefer to use hot wax.

Cretin

Converted Christians and followers from other faiths can skip Underling status and go straight to Cretin. Other than wearing slightly lighter manacles, however, there’s very little difference. Some followers obviously take issue with being called a colloquial synonym for ‘retard’, though I’m sure they would be interested to learn that owing to political correctness, Frodology enforces actual cretinism upon its followers. Though our newest members can never really disguise their enormous goiters, they sure have fun trying!

Banded sea krait

Followers live for several months as a highly venomous sea snake.

Couch Jumper

By this stage in a Frodologist’s journey of Faith, he has lost all forms of physical restraint and his missing fingers have largely grown back. Thanks to their ability to consume iodine once again in their diet, Couch Jumpers’ goiters have largely receded to barely noticeable grapefruit-sized lumps, easily hidden by a turtleneck or isolated confinement in the home. Of course most outsiders will only have eyes for your unbridled enthusiasm for the Faith at this point, which is frequently demonstrated by inappropriate jumping up and down on couches in public. For those unable to do this on TV talk shows hosted by black women named after musical genres, Ikea is a suitable substitute.

Yeti Slayer

Other evangelical faiths might send their naïve, underprepared young into dangerous parts of the world to proselytize to people who fully resent them, but Frodology is more serious about testing its followers’ mettle. At this stage in their journey, missionaries are expected to journey to the Himalayas to slay a yeti. As difficult as this may sound, surviving yetis constitute such a small gene pool that they are invariably retarded, making the expedition something like murdering a giant care bear.

As much fun as it sounds

Polo Shirt

Only once you have vanquished the Yeti may you properly enter the Faith as an adult member. This is akin to the Catholic sacrament of Sublimation, though it is generally easier to reach since followers aren’t expected to skip the liquid state entirely.

Polo Shirts are considered iconic by outsiders since they are the face we most frequently show the world. Unsurprisingly, Polo Shirts get their name from their uniform, which includes pleated chinos two sizes two small; the goatee voted ‘Facial Hairstyle of the Decade’ in Gay Times’ August 2001 issue; and polo shirt with PermaButton™ collar. By this stage in their journey, Frodologists’ fingers have grown back sufficiently to clutch a copy of The Lord of the Rings jealously to their breasts.

Temple Worthy

If you haven’t already, expect to lose all of your outside friends. Since your infatuation with the Faith means that you are unlikely to have seen their eyes rolling in their sockets like those of a bored invalid whenever you mention it, this may come as a surprise. While the lolling tongues of your former friends might tell you that you’ve lost their respect, they are almost certainly jealous.

Of your cool new onesie underwear! I know what you’re thinking, but the coarse linen wasn’t merely chosen for its classic aesthetic appeal. It also chafes like industrial sandpaper! Thanks to its magical properties, which result from a secret manufacturing process, Temple Worthy Frodologists are able to let their spirits wander independently of their bodies. Sound cool? Maybe you’ll be the first to discover a use for it!

Disembodied perambulation may cause birth defects, nausea, loss of appetite, premature baldness, uncontrollable cravings for deep fried sea krait, and in rare cases sudden death. No refunds.

Katie Holmes

Frodologists this committed to their faith are the stuff of legends. New Frodologists should be warned that it takes levels of devotion that laymen and hospitals might attribute to psychosis to become Katie Holmes. While incarceration – we prefer to call it “staying at holmes” – and/or the sponsorship of a spouse might get you a foot in the door, there really is no substitution for vanquishing your better judgment of your own volition. After all, it’s a matter of faith.