From Beneath the Rose

Having Pet Here

2013-05-22T10:47:00.001-02:30

Almost a month ago, Pet and his cat moved into my studio, bringing the pack up to ten living creatures. The rhythm of daily living has of course changed for all of us. Contrary to what some may think, the household is surprisingly domestic much of the time.

Each pack member is finding the ways in which they can contribute to the greater well-being of the group. This is important so that the work of keeping and running the household is shared and each pack member has time to pursue individual interests. We all have different ways of doing things so there have been some prickly spots around doing dishes, for example, but we are making steady progress.

Privacy and personal space is at a premium as the house and studio are small. It has been challenging to strike a balance where each person has some space in the main house to relax with other pack members close by. I think this recent expansion has been hardest on the dogs as the square footage open to them has decreased. We've kept the main floor area as open as possible which has helped. The two cats each have free access to their owners' bed rooms and the dogs have strict rules to follow when in or around those areas. One of the dogs has become fascinated with the two cats and has been working diligently to try and make friends with both of them.

We've been having movie nights several times a week. Pet and C decided we needed to rearrange the living room furniture to provide better viewing and to enable pack members to be physically closer to each other. I have to say, that experiment worked out well. Last weekend we re-watched The Lord of the Rings Trilogy together.

The sleeping arrangements have become more flexible. Last night I and one of the dogs camped out with Pet and his cat in the studio. The other two human pack members spent the night together in the main house with the remaining critters.

I still have to pinch myself to believe where life has taken me. As I type, two pack members are downloading the latest World of Warcraft patches, while another is checking web comics. The dogs have had breakfast and are asleep on the living room floor. The sun is out and shortly we will be heading outside where we are building a small extension onto the studio (as a workshop for me).

It has been wonderful having Pet here and not always feeling like we are in a rush like we used to be. I am enjoying the playfulness between us throughout the day and being able to relax more together. Last night he showed me how to play a video game. He was very patient, first showing me how the game worked, then letting me try while he sat, with his arm around my shoulders, talking me through the spots where I got stuck.

When we are alone, I am still his Keeper and he gracefully submits to the playful torments that mean so much to both of us. Recently we've started wrestling a little, especially when I tickle him. I have been surprised at how much I enjoy this! We positioned his bed right under one of the hard points in the studio's ceiling and have began exploring some predicament-type bondage. (Fun!)

Anyway, the morning is passing and there is sawdust to be made! I'm next in the bathroom then off to build another wall!

Josephine and the Kinky Piggy

2013-05-13T00:13:00.001-02:30

Well it is official. The Kinky Piggy now carries my version of the leather Josephine! Check it out at: http://kinkypiggy.ca/shop/862-leather-josephine.html#/colour-brown I am extremely proud of this and hope this is the beginning of new opportunities for me.

Also I'm taking the plunge and reopening my shop on Etsy store under the banner - Josephine's Leather Delights. More on that in the coming days. Now that Pet has moved in, we are exploring what we can make and sell together. I love making leather Josephines and floggers and am developing some jewelry items that should appeal to kinksters as well. I just designed a business card this evening. Let me know what you think.

Over 100000 page views and counting

2013-04-24T15:30:00.000-02:30

Wow. I just checked in on my blog to discover that it has had just over 100000 page views since I started it back in the fall of 2010. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to visit. :-)

On another note, Pet should be moved here by early next week and our little "pack" will finally be together in one place. I'l be glad when we are all settled in. My energy is very low these days due to other issues, which is why I've written so little over the past few months.

Hopefully spring will bring renewal all around. More later.

Musings from a tired but happy kinkster

2013-04-14T20:23:00.000-02:30

There are a lot of mundane matters to consider when one is forming a human pack that have absolutely nothing to do with sex or kink:

sufficient space for all the adults and assorted pets
transportation for said adults
division of household labor
wills, advance health care directives, insurances, etc.

And all of this is taking much time and planning. As a result, my play time (and energy for said play time) has been sorely lacking.

Today, Pet and I were on the hunt for a used vehicle as the one I have will not be sufficient for four adults. I'm happy to report that we were successful. By this time tomorrow, most of the related paperwork will be done and it should be sitting in the driveway. Pet has given his notice and is going through the process of sorting through his things, deciding what he will keep, store, etc. We've also begun planning the temporary conversion of the play space into a bedsitter for him, so there is still a lot to get done before we are all on the same piece of property. The good news is we are making steady progress.

I did get the opportunity last evening to while away a few very civilized hours in the company of other kinksters at a lovely dinner party. There was lots of very good food, good conversation and a little play. Pet was on his best behavior and made me proud. At one point I fiddled almost absentmindedly with a short length of rope and bound one of Pet's hands. A while later I had him shed his shirt for a short flogging session. I can't tell you how very good it felt to swing my arm again! But alas, I found myself tiring, so he and I thanked our lovely hostess and took our leave before midnight. I had such plans for what I was going to do to him afterwards, but those were quickly set aside. Instead we tumbled into bed and indulged in some snuggling and a lot of stifled giggling. I have come to love how we trigger each other's sense of humor even when we are both dead tired!

Today I found a lovely comment awaiting moderation. As I read it, I was reminded of why I started this blog in the first place. Initially, this blog was the only place outside my own head where I could be myself. Of course things have changed. I am living more authentically and am fortunate to have three wonderful adults in my life with whom I am intimate in different ways and on different levels.

The nature of what I have to share on this blog may have changed as I struggle to preserve the privacy of my pack, but perhaps I have things yet to share that may offer encouragement and/or validation to others on their journey. Only time will tell.

Thanks to all my readers for hanging in there with me. :-)

Checking In

2013-03-02T20:37:00.001-03:30

Lately I've been considering the future of this blog. There is a lot going on in my life and I am conscious of wanting to nurture what is growing in and around me.

I have three loving adults, four dogs and two cats in my daily life. Then there is the larger circle of family and friends. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am putting down roots where I live. Not everyone here is accepting of me; but there is enough acceptance to make me want make this place my home and has kindled my interest in community participation.

As polyamory and kink have become integrated into my life, I am no longer driven to spend time on Fetlife. I guess in part because I am more fulfilled and balanced than at any other time in my life. And I'm finally making time to develop other interests perhaps because I finally believe I can. I find it funny that my vanilla life is benefiting as much from the re-balancing brought on by embracing the kinky aspects of my psyche.

I'm proud of this blog. I was scared to death when I started it. I had never kept a written journal of any type for as long and as consistently as I have kept up this blog. The page views and comments have been a tremendous source of validation for me, for which I will always be grateful.

I turn fifty in a few days time and am taking a little time off to relax and think. I'll let you know how it goes. :-)

The Instrument of My Pleasure

2013-02-10T18:44:00.000-03:30

Finally, between the storms of February, I managed a short visit with Pet. The weather was getting worse and his place of employment closed early so our evening began a little sooner than expected. There was no time to pick up anything on the way back to his place, but thankfully, the storm hadn't yet closed down pizza delivery!

My trips to his place usually start out on a domestic note. We make some food, catch up on each other's news and bond with his kitty-cat. Eventually, usually prompted by his scent (as I am sitting close to him as we eat), my mind begins to fill with deliciously wicked thoughts. Last evening was no exception.

I reached in under his sweater and started unbuttoning his dress shirt. I ran my hand along his chest, scraping my nails against his skin and eliciting a shiver. I pushed against his chest forcing him to lean back against a pillow, unbuckled his belt and loosened his pants. Reaching under his briefs I grabbed a handful of him and squeezed. I heard his breath catch and I looked in his eyes. We both smiled.

I told him early on last evening that I intended to take my pleasure on him. I warned him I would be greedy and exacting, and what we didn't finish that night would be continued in the morning.

I had brought only my leather Josephine with me. There are times when I prefer to mostly use my own body to torment Pet and this was to be one of those evenings. I find I'm beginning to enjoy tormenting his feet, which are quite sensitive, alternating between tickling and slapping them with leather, forcing him to keep them still. I paddled his ass and thighs thoroughly, his cock and balls repeatedly, and managed to get in some ball busting using my knees. I also covered his body with my own at times and pressed the bony parts of my frame into his most tender parts, sometimes bouncing hard against them.

During the odd rest period, I held him close and whispered simple questions in his ear: "Who's Pet are you? Who's toy are you?"

Each time he answered with a breathless, "Yours M'am." I growled and moved on to the next torment.

I will never get tired of seeing his expression, when he is caught up in the moment with me. He accepts what I give him with a willingness that both exhilarates and humbles me. Sometimes I push him hard and feel him struggle to give what I need. He always gives me his best and never lets me down. Through his surrender and obedience, he creates a safe space for me to give into my nature and to take what I need. Through his gratitude, he has helped me find self-acceptance.

He is the instrument of my pleasure - my wonderful, loving Pet.

Thwarted by the Weather

2013-02-05T12:25:00.000-03:30

So, the unpredictable wind and weather of February have grounded me. Pet has two days off in a row (a rare occurrence) and I have two days off during the week yet we are unable to connect. Yesterday, we messaged each other regarding our respective disappointment and then did our best to make the other smile in spite of the weather. My Pet is a sweet man and has a great talent for making me smile from a distance.

Since I had some free time, I turned my attention to creative pursuits. Pet and I messaged each other throughout the afternoon. His last few trips here, he has spent time with me in the studio. He understands my need for quiet as it is one that he also shares. As a result, he is one of the few people I encourage to visit me there.

The weather for the remainder of the week is somewhat unpredictable. I have no idea when I'll get to see him again, let alone play with him.

There is an irony in my life at the moment in that I now share my living space with two other people, but not him. The third person in my life is someone I've known only a short time. All the adjustments we've made both in terms of changing the actual living space to altering our respective personal habits are consuming resources and energy from all of us, as expected. And yet it seems my time with Pet has become even harder to arrange in the interim. I'd be lying if I said this hasn't frustrated me. In truth, I think sometimes I'm even just a little resentful.

C is a sweetie, don't get me wrong, but she was my Partner's choice. I accepted her because she is important to my Partner and they had already forged a relationship. She has added to my Partner's quality of life, no question, and I have already developed an affection for her. When I agreed to allowing her to come here, I understood it was for a specific time period. But then she arrived and the nature of her relationship with my Partner changed. And here we are.

The experience of C moving in has given my Partner insight into the nature of my relationship with Pet and has helped her to accept it and him in a way that may not have been possible before. In that respect, C has done me a huge favor. Conversely, I have been given insight into my Partner's perspective.

The main difference for me is that I am having to adjust the presence of a third person on a 24/7 basis at a time when seeing Pet has become more challenging due to the weather. And as much as I want this to work out for all four of us, I have moments when I'm just a little resentful that the evolution of C's and my partner's relationship has overtaken mine with Pet.

I am a grown-up, I will get past this as I care deeply for my Partner's happiness.

Now if only the damn weather would cooperate...

Creating, sex and kink

2013-02-03T21:38:00.003-03:30

Lately I spend more time in my studio practicing my artistic skills than exercising my gleeful sadist and time has been at a premium. I have been practicing my art, stealing what little time the work week affords and squeezing in what I can on the weekends. I sometimes go days without getting out there due to work and family obligations. When I do get out there and the ideas flow, I make some beautiful things! The act of creating is very powerful for me and I get cranky if I go too long in between studio sessions. In order to satisfy my need to create, I need to be well rested and to have sufficient time set aside. Easier said than done these days.

I also get cranky if I go too long between play sessions. Pet and I finally did get a session in last week after a bit of a dry spell. I don't know which one of us needed it more. My need to dominant, to strip him naked and have him accept whatever I choose to dish out, hadn't been exercised in a while. I have also not been on the receiving end of any erotic pain since well before Christmas. I was itching for both.

I stripped to the waist when I pulled out my single tail and began to alternate delivering blows to him and to me. The sting was invigorating! I peeled off a little more when I pulled out the Little Devil. I zapped him and then myself. At one point, I stood next to him, thigh to thigh, and alternated zaps. He was twitching and lurching while I was squealing with delight! I looked at him and said, "Sometimes I think I really scare you Pet." He quickly agreed, without taking his eyes off me. I think he was a little worried what I'd try next!

When we finally crawled into bed that night, I remarked on how focused and peaceful I felt. A play session with him always seems to settle me. The sensory experience combined with the loving acceptance I get from him feeds my soul. And there is no way I can satisfy this need alone.

And then there is my libido. Lately it seems it is at the bottom of the list behind my creative and kinky pursuits. I know that this time of year, my energy level is lower, so I'm not surprised that the space between sexual encounters has grown given the myriad of demands on my attention these days. Having said that, it is the easiest of the three to satisfy. We don't stand on ceremony around here. If someone gets horny, they always have the option of retiring to private space and taking the matter in hand, so to speak. It can take as long as necessary and may or may not involve someone else, depending on the circumstances.

I realize that all three - creating, sex and kink - play important roles in keeping me balanced and centered. If I go too long without exercising either one, it undermines my effectiveness in other areas of my life.

Who knew the key to balance and personal effectiveness is to ensure some sort of play - creating, sex or kink - every day? And it only took me fifty years to figure this out... :p

Settling into a new routine

2013-01-24T21:15:00.001-03:30

250 posts ago, my life was very different than it is now. I was tentative, nervous and seriously wondering if I'd ever find acceptance for the way I wanted to live my life. When I look back at the early posts, I marvel at how much my life has changed.

As I write this evening, C and my partner are at their respective computers. C is conscious of the tough day I had at work and has been going out of her way to dote on me. My partner cooked a tasty meal for supper and has also been very affectionate. I remarked how wonderful it is to come home to two lovely women. Yes, I am becoming quite spoiled and am loving it.

One of the new traditions we've begun at this house concerns how we respond to the "open face sandwich." An "open face sandwich" is created when only two people hug. It has become common practice to invite a third or fourth person to join in to "complete" the sandwich. And the person most in need of the affection is placed in between the other two parties. It usually results in a minor cuddle-fest.

Work is underway to create a bedroom for C. Colors have been chosen, paint purchased and walls prepped. Within the next week or so her room should be complete. She is very excited about this.

Pet is in the city working, but he is never far from my mind. We've drafted up plans to build a small flat (384 square feet) on one side of the lot on which our small family home sits. He is equally excited about the prospect of moving into his own place and closer to the pack. We plan to begin construction this spring. The hope is we will get it closed in before the fall and then work at finishing it off over the winter.

Now as lovely as all of this is, my process of adjustment has not been without some issues. In particular, I found myself a little inhibited in terms of seeking sexual release. (I know this is hard to believe about a self-professed exhibitionist, but we all have our comfort zones and I was definitely a little outside of mine.) There is far less individual privacy at the moment in the house. Hence to push to get C her own room. Anyway, when I finally decided it was time to get over myself, nearly a month had passed since my last orgasm. I was stunned that I had let so much time pass. No wonder I was so bloody irritable the few days leading up to this.

While I won't likely ever let that much time pass again, I did enjoy myself immensely...and screamed myself hoarse in the process.

Pet and I also haven't had a real play session in a while. Between Christmas, spending social time together as a pack and our respective work schedules there really hasn't been much time. We are hoping to spend some time together this weekend and address this. I so want to do bad things to him. :-)

Anyway, it is getting late and C promised to massage my scalp.

Kinky Domesticity

2013-01-17T21:29:00.000-03:30

If someone had told me a year ago that today I would be living with my partner and C, planning renovations to give C a room of her own and planning to build a small flat in the yard so Pet can have his own space, I wouldn't have believed it, but here we are!

The other evening, the four of us were stretched out in the living room watching Jeff Dunham videos on Netflix, cuddling, hugging and making funny faces at each other. We discussed the night's sleeping arrangements in very practical terms. I got the bedroom with Pet, while C and my partner took the pull out couch since I had to work in the morning. We ate supper together and shared our respective news and thoughts. It was very domestic and heart warming.

Tit flashing has become a common way to inject a little levity into a moment. Hugs are abounding between the four of us. We walk up behind each other and spontaneously snuggle. Most hugs involve three people as we have begun to consider a hug between two souls to constitute an "open-faced sandwich"; clearly incomplete!

Pet as the lone man is not at all intimidated by the presence of three older women and seems to be genuinely enjoying the new dynamic. We have hatched a plan to build a tiny house on the property that will become his principal dwelling since the main house is so tiny. Pet is so excited about the project and has been busy doing research to explore his tastes in decor and color. And he loves the plan I came up with!

My partner is spending so much less time alone now. She is a cuddle bug and is benefiting greatly from the vast increase in physical affection and stimulating company available since C moved in. C is blossoming in the haven we've been able to provide her and is working her healing arts on our aging bodies.

I get to come home to two women who genuinely care for me and who dote on me. While Pet does not yet live here full time, my anxieties about spending time with him are gone and we can be more comfortable and natural about our feelings for each other now, which pleases me greatly.

It has been a busy few weeks with the wind down from Christmas, an increase in stress at work and the adjustment process that goes along with major relationship change, so the energy for kink play has been a little scarce. But in a way this lull has made it all seem much more real to me. The relationships I am forging are serious and for the long term. They are worthy of investment on many levels: physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually.

And this new pack feels right, to all of us. As my partner put it this evening, "A good pack is made up of strong individuals dedicated to a common purpose: the overall success of the pack."

Sounds like a recipe for kinky domestic bliss to me. :-)

Be careful what you wish for...

2013-01-06T12:04:00.000-03:30

I once read that good stress is still stress and can still freak you out and cause you grief. I've recently been reminded of this.

My partner, who has struggled with the notion of polyamory, appears now to have embraced it. Now this is good, don't get me wrong, but I must confess to being mesmerized with how fast the rules seem to have changed. I've gone from being almost paranoid about every minute I spend with Pet and how it is affecting my partner to being encouraged by her to kiss C in front of her. Yup, that's where things wandered the other evening...

Now surprisingly, it is not the act of being physically intimate with someone that causes me pause, nor the sight of my partner doing so. I am completely cool with that. I'm just not ready to share a closet or a bed (to sleep in)as quickly. I've discovered I am far more guarded about these mundane things than I would have thought. Who knew?

My partner has known C far longer than me. And in typical double Cancerian fashion, once she has decided to take a course of action, is marching along happily. This time, I'm playing catch up and wondering how this new relationship has suddenly gained momentum so fast. I knew Pet for a year before we began playing. It wasn't that long ago that my partner couldn't imagine sharing a house with him and I, yet now plans are afoot for both C and him to move in. And while I am thrilled with this development, I must also confess to feeling the pressure of being the bread-winner for the group. I'm also worried about:

maintaining a balance between my need for alone time and the need to spend time with three wonderful people
finding a way to stretch our resources to provide space and comfort for all three so that neither feels left out
ensuring I have enough energy left at the end of each day to nurture my own creative goals
explaining to my family that I now live with three adults
avoiding negative community gossip - as I live in a very small town and have a very public job

The practical considerations of this new family arrangement have rooted and are now consuming my attention. As someone who sometimes struggles with anxiety issues, I know that some days it will be one step forward and two steps back.

I plan to read this post to the three of them before I post. I'm hoping it will generate some constructive discussion.

Plans for the Pack in 2013

2013-01-03T20:33:00.002-03:30

In my last post I shared that our family/pack was about to expand. The holidays would have been hectic enough, but there were unexpected complications.

Our American friend, "C", had issues with Canada Border Services although she has a valid passport and no criminal record. She was sent back across the border unceremoniously almost immediately after her arrival. Several days and $2500 + later, she tried again. This time she was allowed in, but has been given strict orders to return to the US as per her original ticket. She cannot extend her stay or change her travel plans otherwise a warrant will be issued for her arrest. Sometime in the last ten years, it seems my country has become a police state where law abiding citizens from other countries get treated like criminals when they come to visit. The times have indeed changed and not necessarily for the better.

It wasn't all bad news over the holidays, not by any means. My partner and I came to the realization that not only is there room in our lives for others, but that we also actually want this far more than either of us thought. My partner and I have a growing affection for C and already consider her to be family. She feels the same so we are working on "plan B" now. The long term plan is for her to immigrate but we have a lot to work out.

Pet and I also had a chance to talk about the future of our relationship and what we want from it. We realized that we wanted the same thing: to be part of each other's daily lives. Before New Year's I talked to him about moving here and how we might make it work. My partner feels a growing affection for him and his regard for her has grown over the past year too. Even he and C have hit it off.

New Year's Eve, the four of us were together for supper. There was much laughter and story telling as we continued to get to know each other. The chemistry was amazing considering how different our respective relationships are: Pet and Keeper, long term partners, adopted sisters, friends, etc. We rang in the New Year together, with the dogs lying about, watching episodes of Firefly on Netflix. It was domestic, and sweet and felt so very wonderful.

There is a lot of work to be done before the four of us are a family unit on one piece of property, but planning has begun in earnest. It has been stressful (albeit good stress) and we are writing the script as we go; however, I feel in my heart that this is the right direction for us to take.

I shall keep you posted.

And the pack expands!

2012-12-15T00:23:00.001-03:30

For years I have wanted a larger human family. I wasn't able to have children of my own in my first marriage. My siblings had no children either. My partner has remained estranged from her two adult children for 17 years. She has grandchildren she will likely never meet. We have our beloved canine boys; however, I always felt something was missing.

I tried to encourage my siblings to live closer, even went so far on one occasion to propose the purchase of a four-plex as a means to help all my siblings get ahead and to provide greater support for my parents. They of course, would have none of it for various reasons which I had to respect and accept.

When Pet and I came together, I didn't realize how my life would change. What began as an exercise in exploring dominance has blossomed into a wonderful, multi-faceted relationship with a beautiful man. My relationship with my partner has deepened and expanded. And this weekend, things are about to change again.

Over the past months we have gotten to know a young woman from half way across the continent. She is about to leave her old life behind and join our household for at least six months. She is fully aware of our unusual little pack and how it functions. She is younger than my partner's daughter and almost young enough to have been my daughter or a younger sister, for sure. We are offering her a safe space to explore who she is, away from judgement and free from the sort of expectations that have constrained her thus far in her life. She is offering her warmth and good humour, her technical, household and handy skills. In the past month or so, we have Skyped daily and she has become part of our daily routine, a familiar face we are happy to share with each day.

Even Pet has had his first conversation with her and admitted the other day that he was getting excited as her arrival date approached. It warmed my heart to hear him talk about the expansion of our little pack as a positive thing! He has been engaged in his own explorations recently as well and I have hopes that if these progress, that one day, he might introduce another person (or persons) to our pack.

I realize that the four of us have chosen to invest in each other, emotionally and otherwise, and are becoming the larger family I have dreamed about. Some days lately I just want to pinch myself! And my partner's enthusiasm for our expanding pack is growing by leaps and bounds as well.

As many times as I try to find something "wrong" with all of this, I just can't. If we are a family by choice, we have as much of a chance of succeeding as any family does, maybe moreso. There is no manual and we are making it up as we go along. There have been bumps along the way and I expect we will encounter more of those; however, I can't help but remain optimistic.

My heart is swelling with love for the three amazing people who are now part of my life. And so the four of us go boldly forward where none of us ever imagined we would. Sunday our latest pack member arrives. Stay tuned for more!

Reflections Re-posted: Memories of My First Dominant

2012-12-09T12:35:00.001-03:30

This was post # 100 a while back and since today marks 30 years since I said goodbye to my dear father, I thought it would be appropriate to post it again....

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I was catching up on a blog that I follow "Uncle Agony" http://uncle-agony.blogspot.com/2011/07/punishment.html and got caught up in a post concerning punishment within the D/s relationship. Oddly enough it got me thinking about my father.  I realize now that he was the first Dominant in my life.

Dad used corporal punishment only once (and that was a single slap). He had been beaten as a child and was determined not to go down that road with me and my siblings.  His approach to discipline was very straight forward and very effective.  He set very clear expectations and also let us know very clearly what qualified as an infraction and how disappointed he would be if we had to "go there."  For example, we had to come home on time.  Arriving early was fine.  Being one minute late was as bad as being an hour late.  I lived to hear praise from his lips so I was certainly motivated to avoid incurring his displeasure.

On the rare occasion when an infraction did occur, I was sent to my room, where I waited and wondered how much trouble I was in.  The waiting was awful.  I hated it.  I hated knowing he was disappointed in me.  I would berate my own foolishness and think of how I might redeem myself.

When he'd finally appeared, I'd usually be a wreck and tearful, the apologies rolling off my tongue. He would give me a hug and sit beside me and ask me what I'd do different next time. We rarely had a repeat of an issue.

The flip side of this was I went out of my way to provoke his pleasure. He valued courage. I was afraid of heights and deep water, but one day decided I would conquer both by jumping off the high diving board at the local pool. I didn't know it at the time, but he was watching me climb the ladder. Years later he told me how terrified I looked. His was the first face I saw when I climbed out of the pool. I was so pleased and surprised to see him smiling and clapping that I went straight back and did it a second time.

He was a Johnny Cash fan so I learned the words to "Boy Named Sue" on the "Live From San Quentin" album before I was nine years old.  I would sing it for him when my sister and I put off little music shows for him and my mom. I also learned the words to Johnny Horton songs like "The War of 1812" and "North to Alaska". He loved it when we put off performances and would sit there, beaming at us.  You get the picture.

He was lavish with his praise when we succeeded and offered encouragement to us along the way. And I always knew he was there for me, whether it was a school issue or an argument with my boyfriend of the time.

His lessons had a lasting impact too.  Even as a young adult home for a visit, I would still ask him what time he wanted me home at night, just like I did as a teenager, because his peace of mind was still more important that what I had planned with my friends.  I can still remember the smile he would give me as I kissed his cheek and whispered my question in his ear.  And I was always (and I mean always) home on time.

Punishment is something you want to avoid, however you define it. If you are truly focused on your Dominant's pleasure or happiness, knowing that you have incurred his/her displeasure is often the worst punishment there is. I know it was for me.

Unfortunately, my relationship with my father was cut short. He died just three months shy of my twentieth birthday. Even though he has not been around for the last twenty-eight (now thirty) years, he will always be one of the most important influences in my life. And I will always be his little girl.

Spewing Fantasy Phenomenon

2012-11-28T19:43:00.001-03:30

A friend of mine recently posted this on Fetlife. I asked her if she'd consider re-posting it on my blog and she graciously agreed. So without further adieu, I present some thoughts from the very interesting and lovely Lady Emmalyn!

Why do submissive sorts ask for the things they may not necessarily like or want to experience?

For the sake of this post, excuse that I’m going to be speaking in a general sense. This isn’t to suggest that what I’m saying is absolutely right for everyone – I’m sure there are exceptions out there. That said, of the people I’ve talked to in my past, and of late, have confirmed my thinking is pretty on par with the general mentality of slaves, if not also submissives. (Note that I did not include fetishists, bottoms, or masochists.)

From my understanding of things (from my time as a submissive and a Domme), most submissives are interested more in the loss of control of doing something they fear doing, than the doing of the something they fear. They wouldn’t be even doing the activity, or have interest in it, if they were not being controlled. A pretty popular example of this is men who want to be forced to give blow jobs to other men. This is not at all because they are closet bi-sexuals (or homosexuals). It’s simply that they would never do that without the control of someone ‘forcing’ them to do it. A bi-sexual man, would enjoy the experience because of the cock in his mouth. The submissive man enjoys the power exchange. I think that makes it clear enough.

The time that I am most chatty when I’ve been submissive is when I’m most horny and I know that there is a possibility that I’m going to be allowed to orgasm – the control being offered acting as a stimulus to my sexual arousal (which often builds onto itself the longer that my orgasm builds). The other extreme case is when I know my Dom/Domme is near orgasm. If something I say triggers something in them while they orgasm, then it gets worked into my ‘fantasy bank’ and I repeat it at a later time, if it’s not brought up before then. Another big one is if you have a submissive fairly chaste, their mind will process and process and process dozens of these fantasies.

Some submissives are too ashamed or afraid to mention these – either they fear being accused of topping from the bottom (which, frankly, is not a possibility), or there is something that they are sexual repressing, or fearing judgement about. Some just learn the good use of a filter too. But that doesn’t change that those fantasies are present, and always evolving based on keys and cues from the one in Control in their lives, and from their own sexual arousal (which is activated through control as opposed to pleasure).

Many inexperienced Dom/mes get confused by this. They think it’s something that is being specifically requested. And hence how ‘topping from below’ gets thrown into describing this very natural activity. Due to the nature of submission, most would be mortified if they felt their ideas were being heard as requests. They ultimately just want to show the extents of their devotion, how far they want to be pushed, and how free the Dom/me is to explore – at their pleasure and enjoyment only. It’s the submissives way of opening up possibilities of routes, not giving them a direct map to their submissive button. This can often lead to damaged egos.

As a bit of a sidebar here…there is a new bit of lingo that says that the only way that a submissive can top from the bottom is if someone is bottoming from the top. Truer words were never spoken! A Dominant is there to control things – that’s ultimately what is desired. There are situations where that’s applicable outside the contexts of what is being discussed here.

But this whole fantasy drop blitz is just a natural way of sharing intimate, unfiltered, fantasies. Personally, I enjoy supporting it’s use to discover super dark inner fantasies and soft limits that they are willing to let you push in the right situation. It’s great ‘dirty talk’. Due to the very numerous quantity of these, they couldn’t possibly know which one you were planning even minutes before you do it. That will cause their mind to wander back through what they’ve told you. But please, don’t mistake me here – the fantasy for submissives and slaves is 95% of the time the control as opposed to the subject of the fantasy. The subject is simply one vessel you can use to get to it. The actual activities that one wants to enjoy outside of the control relationship are less likely to come out when they are already keyed in to being submissive, so there’s no real worries of confusing the two.

I would welcome hearing any thoughts supporting or opposing this view actually....

You can find Lady Emmalyn's blog at:

http://ladyemmalyn.wordpress.com

From Santa's Kinky Workshop...

2012-11-25T19:37:00.000-03:30

I've been busy making Christmas gifts for family and friends this weekend. I would be remiss not to make at least a couple suitable for the kinkster's kristmas list. :-)

Looking for a pair of earrings to complement your club-wear or fetish-wear that can still pass vanilla street inspection? Then check these out - available at my Etsy Shop - http://www.etsy.com/shop/PurpleRoseBoutique. These leather earrings feature silver plated findings and hand forged stainless steel ear wires. They measure about 2 3/4 inches from the top of the ear wire to the bottom of the dangle. I am taking orders for Christmas. At $20 a pair, they won't break the bank.

Also, I've got a black leather Josephine for sale too at my Etsy shop. It delivers a delicious sting that only leather can and is made for tight quarters where there isn't enough room to swing a flogger or for those times when you want to get up close and personal. It is listed for $65.00.

Anyway, time to go back to the workshop. That Santa is a sadistic old elf! <hears whip cracking>

Clothespins, Predicament Bondage and CBT

2012-11-22T20:09:00.003-03:30

Predicament bondage and CBT - I have no explanation for why I haven't done more of this already. I mean the two go together like apple pie and ice cream, don't they?

Last evening, I stayed overnight with Pet. He worked until 10 p.m. so we didn't get a lot of time together.I picked him up after work and we headed back to his place. We sat and chatted at first, bonding with his cat who leisurely walked form one lap to the other while we caught up on each other's news. It had been ten days since we last saw each other. Of course, all this made it fairly late when we started to play.

Voila! A Scrotumsaurus!

I had packed a small play kit consisting of matching ankle and wrist cuffs, a few lengths of light rope, clothespins, two floggers, clover clamps, the Little Devil and a double ended metal clip. I put the cuffs on him and managed to secure his hands and feet together using the double ended clip. On his back with his feet drawn up to his wrists meant his balls were highly accessible and nicely presented. I couldn't resist and quickly broke out the miniature clothespins. I named this creation "scrotumsaurus", not be confused with "prickasaurus" (which if you have seen the video I posted, you will recall what this other creation looked like). :-)

A while later, I broke out the rope and wrapped a length around his balls, ran the ends through the loops attached to the wrist cuffs and then the ankle cuffs. I shortened it up enough so he had to keep his knees bent and legs in he air to avoid unduly pulling his balls towards his wrists. I had a lot of fun with this! I mercilessly alternated between tickling and scratching the bottoms of his feet, occasionally running my nails up along his rib cage and sides. He was breathless and trying ever so hard to be quiet (as we were not alone in his apartment). I broke out the Little Devil and zapped his feet, legs, ass and balls taking short breaks where I resumed the tickling. He struggled and I had to wrestle him down a couple of times (which was a great deal of fun for me).

By about 1:00, we were ready to call it a night. We sat up long enough to eat a large chocolate chip cookie each before crawling into bed. Morning came far too early. We decided that it sucks to be grown ups some mornings and this was one of those mornings. I had an early meeting so I was out the door around 8 a.m. I met up with him at work late in the afternoon so we could grab a ite to eat together before I headed back.

Over the next few weeks, we will be challenged to find opportunities to spend any time together, let alone play, but we are determined! On a side note, I checked with UPS and my new whip should arrive tomorrow or Monday.

I'm already thinking about predicament bondage, CBT and how to incorporate the new whip. Stay tuned for more!

Experimentation

2012-11-18T21:06:00.000-03:30

This past week has been about experimentation for Pet and me. What makes this a little different for us is our activities only involve the other in a peripheral manner. We've been pretty open with each other about the avenues we want to explore. Compersion comes easily for me, but Pet is making great strides in this recently. He mentioned that he hadn't thought of himself as capable of polyamoury until this year.

Recently, Pet has been putting energy into exploring play possibilities from a Dominant perspective. I've been exploring play possibilities involving a woman. Now Pet and I rarely talk on the phone. Most of our interaction when we are apart involves texting and email. The nature of our "conversations" has become quite entertaining as we share our hopes and fears for these new experiences.

This past Friday, Pet was stood up by a prospective play partner. When he messaged me, it was clear he had energy to burn so I gave him a simple assignment: to fill his ass, take measures to provide me with photographic proof, masturbate to orgasm and then report on the experience via email. I love controlling him from a distance like this! When I opened that message and saw pictures illustrating his obedience and adherence to my instructions, I was so very pleased. He is a such a dutiful Pet!

I had been looking forward to his report on his experimental play session, but it did not go ahead as planned. I am curious to know how he will react to the scenario he has envisioned. I would also love to watch him dominate someone else. Perhaps, one day, I'll get to witness that first hand.

I had better fortunes than Pet and was successful in arranging a play date. Topping a woman is a different sort of experience for me. I've not had many play partners to date, so I had expected it to have an impact on me. It's like learning a new sport. You may be athletic, but when you learn a new sport, you sometimes are startled to discover new applications for existing skills. You might also discover you get stiff the morning after, that the new sport required exertion in ways to which you are not accustomed. This combined with the newness of the experience challenge you to become a better athlete. It's sort of like that. (It's hard to describe a new experience when you are doing your utmost to be discrete.)

The play party last weekend was something of a turning point for me: I was never comfortable describing myself as someone's Dominant, until now. I'm not sure exactly what has changed, but I know that increased self acceptance is a piece of it. I'm realizing I am increasingly drawn to power exchange and all it entails. I'm also realizing that I have fetishes that I've been reluctant to acknowledge.

Anyway, stay tuned for more. I'm sure there will be more experimentation in the weeks and months ahead.

A Little Shopping to End the Long Weekend

2012-11-12T18:48:00.001-03:30

This evening I ordered this whip from www.edgeplaygear.com

It looks a lot like the whip I borrowed during my visit to a friend's personal dungeon last spring. I'm hoping it is as much fun to use.

I wonder how accurate I'll be with some practice? Anyone care to offer up a set of balls for target practice?
:-)

Demonstrating CBT Games at a Play Party

2012-11-11T20:39:00.000-03:30

Making a prickasaurus.

Today I am still recovering from a night of kinky excess. Last evening I attended the "Naughty November Play Event" where Pet and I gave a demonstration of some of our CBT games.

Pet was a little nervous about "performing" in front of a crowd, so in the weeks leading up to the event I reminded him repeatedly that he would be there for my pleasure and my opinion was the only one that mattered. I agreed to allow the use of a blind fold to help him focus on the tasks at hand. This did qualify as a concession as one of my primary sources of feedback and enjoyment are his large brown eyes.

The main play space was on the second level. I opted to use the corner of the room occupied by a magnificent set of stocks. I decided not to use any restraints on Pet. I love to show off his self-restraint and self-discipline. Once I put him in place, he will not move, and especially in a public situation.

The helicopter is in flight!

I had him stand facing the corner and leaning on the stocks. I worked my way through some of our usual impact toys to help him settle into his role. I used my heavy and light rope floggers, my heavy suede flogger, my leather belt and penitent flogger. "Breaks" were opportunities to scratch and/or tickle him lightly. I repeatedly asked him the "question": "Why are you here Pet?" to which he always answers, "Surrender, obedience and gratitude, M'am." I challenged him to speak louder each time so the crowd would understand what they were watching. I challenged him when he was slow to express gratitude and praised him when he exceeded my expectations. This warm up helped us focus and also gave guests a chance to settle into observer role as we were the first demo of the evening.

I could tell by his scent when he was "ready" to turn around. I put a blindfold on him and then began the CBT demonstration.

A little encouragement part way through our demo...

I explained to the crowd that my favorite CBT toys are actually my hands. Yes, we have played and do play with formal CBT toys, however, my personal preference is to use my body.I engaged the audience as I manipulated his cock and balls, explaining why I did different things. I quickly realized that while I was putting Pet through his paces, every man in the audience couldn't help but get drawn into what I was doing. I couldn't help but smile as I watched some shift position and otherwise fidget as I squeezed, pulled,, scratched, kicked and slapped his family jewels.

I did pull out a length of cotton rope and demonstrate how to do a cock helicopter (giving Kink Academy a plug in the process as this is where I learned this technique). I also demonstrated how to make a "prickasaurus" using mini clothespins and showed how to cane balls using a simple, lightweight wooden stick.

Ball caning technique.

I ended the demo with a little crushing, using my full body. I had Pet lie on his back. First I sat astride his body and explained how to work the bony parts of my butt into his balls which were pulled up against his body. I call this "egg hatching." :-) Then I stretched out on top of him and showed how to use the pelvic bone to full advantage in this position.

By the time we were done, the crowd had warmed up and the ice had been broken. Pet was in subspace and I was flying high on the energy coming from him and the crowd. And the good news is, we still had a whole evening ahead of us!

I'm sharing a few pictures from the event. Hope you enjoy them! Many thanks to our wonderful hosts for a great evening.

Upcoming Play Party

2012-11-01T22:09:00.001-02:30

Next weekend I will be attending a play party hosted by good friends. A beautiful house has been rented. The hosts are bringing some portable play furnishings. There will be demos of techniques and toys. There will be good food and the camaraderie of like-minded folks.

I'll be doing a CBT demo with the help of my Pet. I'll also be playing with a friend for the first time. This is giving me much to consider!

This weekend I'll be auditioning some possible options. Stay tuned for pictures!

In search of patience

2012-10-22T22:03:00.001-02:30

This evening I am in search of patience. It has been one of those days where my patience has been sorely tested. Now usually I pride myself on being able to put myself in another person's shoes even when I feel misunderstood or even insulted. Most days, I manage to shrug off the the circumstance and keep moving in a positive direction. At the moment my outer calm is a thin veneer hiding inner turmoil. My internal board of directors, as it were, are having one hell of an argument.

My Pet has been in a tumultuous relationship with a young woman since earlier this year. Realizing that it might be difficult for any woman to accept my relationship with him, I made it plain that I understood our relationship might have to change and while I may not be thrilled with that prospect, I would adapt.

Fast forward a few weeks. I learn that he and this woman have had some serious issues. At one point he offered not once, but twice, to stop playing with me entirely if it would help get things back on track. Now, our relationship wasn't the only issue between them and it is not my place to comment on those other issues. Suffice it to say that his offer wasn't enough to resolve the crisis so they broke up.

I didn't learn about those two offers until he told me a sort time later while visiting here with me. During that visit, he had contact with her again. The last thing he told me that particular night was that he had made "the offer" again, and they would be talking about their situation upon his return. When we played the following evening, for all I knew, it might have been the last time.

Of course it wasn't. I must admit, I was honestly relieved I was shaken, but felt that he and I were moving toward firmer ground. I told him I knew there may come a time again in the future when we had to discuss a change in the nature of our relationship, but I told him I wasn't prepared to go through all of this uncertainty again for the same person. I thought he understood.

Fast forward a few more weeks. It seems he is continuing to have contact with his old girlfriend. He cannot seem to get this relationship out of his system as dysfunctional and fraught with issues as it has been. In casual conversation I learn he is still open to the possibility of reconciliation with her.

I am struggling to remain calm and objective. Part of me just wants to scream. Part of me wants to bitch slap them both - her for continuing to toy with him and him for leaving me in the dark about something that has the potential to upset my relationship with him. I have moments when I feel like my heart is being torn in two. The next minute I want to release him and tell him to come back once he has his house in order as I am fed up with the drama.

Then I take a deep breath and focus I cannot control what others want or do. I can only control what I do. So the question is, what shall I do next? Should I wait and see if this turns into something I should actually be worried about? Should I chastise him for failing to be honest with me about what has been going through his head since the split? Should I kick my own ass and go look for a submissive who is in a committed relationship and only looking for a dominant as a play partner (at the least) and secondary relationship (at the most)?

What would you do dear reader?

Anal Training

2012-10-11T20:06:00.002-02:30

I recently decided it was time to begin Pet's anal training. It has been something we have both been curious about. The topic came up again this past weekend when we were discussing our mutual desire for me to exert more control over his day to day life when we are apart.

I like creating positive associations with new stimuli. With this in mind I emailed him the following instructions:

"This week your anal training will coincide with any porn viewing/masturbation sessions. You can indulge yourself only if your ass is full. I expect a picture confirming the (butt) is in place before any stroking begins."

This morning I received a set of pictures from him. Not only did he follow my instructions, but then took it one step further. (He so loves to please me!) He has a prostate toy that we hadn't yet used successfully (see picture of toy above). Since the butt plug proved to be no problem for him, he decided to give the prostate toy a try before completing his masturbation session. Instead of one picture, I got two and a detailed written report of his adventures.

I was surprised at how reading his report affected me. I'm learning I really get a thrill from being in control of him from a distance. I swear it feels like a part of me vibrates and I break into a huge grin. It's an awesome feeling.

The second assignment I gave him this week was much more mundane and will be more challenging for him to muster his enthusiasm. He has recently moved into a new room in the apartment he shares and has been camping out for several weeks. The last time I picked him up, I commented that the space was no reflection of him at all. He is quite fastidious about his personal grooming yet his room is in complete disarray. I instructed him to begin by clearing out all the cans, wrappers, dishes, etc. to catch up on his laundry and begin sorting through his things. I'm heading in his way this weekend so I'll get a chance to check on his progress. I've promised him help in rearranging his furniture to create zones for the different ways he needs his room to function. If I'm pleased with his progress, he will be rewarded. If he has dragged his feet on his room, there will be "correction."

I'll keep you posted on how that goes

Learning to be a better Dominant

2012-10-08T23:03:00.000-02:30

After several years of faithfully posting on a regular basis, blog posts have been few and far between lately. The main reason for this has been the growing pains that Pet and I have recently experienced. I have had my share of tormented days but did not want to write about my feelings until both of us were in a better frame of mind. Let me explain.

A while back, he took on a Pet of his own and began a relationship with a young woman. I was pleased for him as I saw this as his chance to grow in a new direction. As their relationship progressed, I came to understand that his relationship with me was a major stumbling block for his girlfriend. I could understand that; polyamoury is certainly not everyone's cup of tea. I found myself struggling with my own conflicting desires. On the one hand I wanted to maintain what I had with him. On the other hand I didn't want to hold him back if this was what he truly wanted.

On several occasions we spoke candidly about the situation. He was quite torn between his loyalty to me and his desire to explore this new relationship further. I decided to make things simple. I told him I had understood from the beginning that certain aspects of our relationship had an "expiry date" given our significant age difference. While I wasn't eager to give up playing with him, I would understand if he felt he needed to make concessions to make his new relationship work. I also assured him that his place in my heart was permanent, and he could always count on me as a friend.

Let me tell you how hard that was to say to him. I was calm and committed to my position and I think began mourning the loss that same day even though nothing had yet happened. A piece of me detached in preparation for what I guess I felt was inevitable and right for him. His relationship went through a period of difficulties and I could see what it was taking out of him. I kept my peace, commenting only when asked and remaining as neutral as possible.

Then came the day last week when I learned he had offered to make the change I was dreading not once, but twice. Still the difficulties between him and his girlfriend remained and I understood he was breaking things off with her. I felt we had dodged a bullet so to speak. The following evening, we had planned a play session. Before it began, I learned that he had been in contact with her again, had made the dreaded offer one more time and they would be meeting the next day to discuss whether they had anything left to try and salvage. I don't think I processed what this actually meant right away.

We proceeded to the studio. I have to say I had to keep my inner sadist in check as she wasn't that "gleeful" that evening. A piece of me was determined to remind him of what drew him into his relationship with me to begin with so I gave him a good working over. The session was actually going well when I decided, somewhat abruptly, to wind things down. I suddenly had things I wanted to say to him.

I think the session had helped clarify my own feelings about the situation and realizing this could be our last, I wanted to speak my mind, as his Dominant, before we left the play space. As painful as it was to consider relinquishing my role as his Keeper, I was determined to follow through and also make it plain that I did not intend to allow his relationship with her to create further havoc in my own life. If she accepted his offer, there would be no going backwards for me.

We shed some tears together before the evening was over. We sorted through our toy bags, returning what we had belonging to the other. I told him he should keep the two "dress" collars I had given him, but I wanted to keep his leather play collar. We agreed he would not keep me waiting; he would let me know what was happening as soon as possible.

As things worked out, he ended the other relationship. Within less than 24 hours, I heard from him and from my perspective, the news was positive. I was surprised at how much thinking I did about our relationship during that short period of time. I realized my guilt about holding him back had caused me to step back as his Dominant weeks before. I stayed away from Fetlife and this blog. I busied myself with other things. Perhaps this was a self-protection mechanism, a way of bracing myself for what I thought lay ahead. But I wondered if I had actually made things worse for both of us by not taking a stronger stand from the beginning.

Pet thrives on control yet that was the first thing I relinquished when I learned of the other relationship. I took it for granted his time was no longer entirely his own, and therefore, no longer mine to monopolize. I didn't actually discuss this with him - I assumed. That was my first mistake and one I have already begun to correct.

Pet thrives when he has a role to play in my daily life,whether it is holding the door for me on the way into a coffee shop or performing household tasks which benefit me directly. As his other relationship progressed, I made fewer and fewer demands on his time as I assumed this had to happen.

Pet thrives when I gently push his limits yet I pushed him less as the other relationship grew. Once again I assumed this had to happen instead of negotiating any changes.

In essence, I had partially abdicated my role as his Dominant as I attempted to be supportive and understanding of his new relationship. This may have had the result of weakening his connection to me at a time when he might have benefited from the opposite.

This doesn't mean I would have worked to make things more challenging for him in his other relationship. I have no desire to manipulate him or anyone else. I think by insisting that any changes be negotiated, it would have made us both consciously think about any changes we were making within the context of our D/s relationship as well as our friendship. In hindsight, I realize I focused almost exclusively on being his friend when in fact I am his Keeper.

The past few months have been challenging for sure. I can say that we have emerged thinking more clearly about what we want out of our D/s relationship and have already begun exploring new directions.

Test driving the leather Josephine: BDSM DIY

2012-09-18T20:36:00.001-02:30

Earlier this year, I posted about a trio of leather Josephines I made and subsequently listed on my Etsy Store. I sold one, kept one for myself and the third is still listed for sale https://www.etsy.com/listing/104559787/leather-josephine

This evening I received a text from the person who purchased the Josephine letting me know he would finally be presenting it as gift to his play partner later today. I am anxiously awaiting the review of its performance.

Having said that, I've used the one I kept a number of times and can report back on its performance from both sides of the equation. It is lightweight and delivers a lovely "twack" with little effort. I love the sound it makes actually. There is nothing quite like the sound of leather against skin. It reddens skin nicely but has not yet left any lasting marks.

On the receiving end, the surface area of the head of the Josephine does a great job of dispersing the mechanical energy delivered in a blow. The sound is still amazing and the sensation is awesome. It can be intense but is much easier to process than say a stroke from a single tail whip. One hundred strokes with this little darling and my endorphins kick in no trouble, but the adrenaline stays away. As you regular readers will know, I don't like to mix adrenaline with my endorphins. :-)

So for those of you who are like me and prefer a gradual build-up or layering of sensations, the leather Josephine is a wonderful toy for a spanking session of 100 - 500 strokes. For those of you who prefer more adrenaline in their sessions, like my Pet, the Josephine is a great warm-up toy.

One of my most popular blog posts of all time is how to make a flogger for under $15. Once again this week it is the most viewed post. So this got me thinking. Maybe folks are hesitant to buy a leather Josephine online, but perhaps they might be interested in learning how to make one. Hence I've been considering making a how-to video tutorial showing how to make a leather Josephine (i.e. a BDSM toy like the ones in the picture) and offering it for sale on my Etsy Store for $3.95.

Let me know what you think of this idea. I have to borrow a video camera, but may get started on this project next weekend. Stay tuned for more!