from east to west and back again

gotta catch the next wave!

2013-05-17T22:27:00.001-04:00

we have been so busy with life the last six weeks or so that i'm not quite sure if i'm coming or going!

we've made two trips to michigan, (we drove both times), to be with family and for a funeral, all within two weeks time. of course with js's stroke there have been the many doctors' and specialists' appointments that have to be scheduled to fit in with the rest of our life at that moment. now with summer coming i don't see much lag time until the end of august/beginning of september! but wait! it will be busy then too because pbs will be starting preschool. i need a break just thinking about it all!

i'm not complaining. just wishing for a slower, simpler time, maybe? i am glad that april is over, but i'm not quite sure what happened during that month or the last couple of weeks either. i can't believe it's the middle of may! i'm barely hanging on by a thread! i guess i'd better catch the next wave and try to ride it as best i can.

here comes that next wave! i've gotta catch it otherwise i'll sink! i'm holding on with everything i have, trying to see what's coming next. i've gotta ride it the best i can to wherever it may take me. i've got to see what's ahead and not worry and stress about it but realize that there's not much i can do but ride it out. gotta catch the next wave!

may the fourth be with you...and other fun stuff

2013-05-04T15:54:00.000-04:00

may the fourth be with you! (and if you've grown up going to church, you might say...and also with you!) a funny way to play with words and church practices.

i saw a funny cartoon about may the fourth earlier today. it said something like, "if today is "may the fourth be with you" and tomorrow is cinco de mayo, does that make monday "revenge of the sixth"? (these are star wars references. i'm not a huge star wars fan but these are kind of funny to me.)

these got me thinking about the different sayings about the months, even one about how many days each month has in it.

thirty days hath september,

april, june, and november,
february has twenty-eight alone,
all the rest have thirty-one;
excepting leap year,-that 's the time
when february's days are twenty-nine.
- - - author unknown

then you also have those about each month. i grew up hearing these...

march comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.

april showers bring may flowers. (i really hope that our "showers" are over and that "flowers" are

definitely in our future!)

then when we lived on the west coast we heard a couple more that were directly related to the weather...

may gray

june gloom

july fry and august dust (we made these up because it would get so hot in july and august.)

i never realized there are so many poems, quotes and sayings about the months and days of the week. here's one more:

january cold and desolate;

february dripping wet;
march wind ranges;
april changes;
birds sing in tune
to flowers of may,
and sunny June
brings longest day;
in scorched july
the storm-clouds fly,
lightning-torn;
august bears corn,
september fruit;
in rough october
earth must disrobe her;
stars fall and shoot
in keen november;
and night is long
and cold is strong
in bleak december.
- - - christina giorgina rossetti "the months"

i remember this one from when i was little, about the days of the week.

monday's child is fair of face, tuesday's child is full of grace, wednesday's child is full of woe, thursday's child has far to go. friday's child is loving and giving, saturday's child works hard for a living, but the child born on the sabbath day, is fair and wise and good and gay. - - - mother goose

i was just curious what i could find and wanted to see if there were more that i didn't know. there were several that i didn't know but i just wanted to focus on the ones that i was a little bit familiar with.

so "may the fourth be with you"!

are we finished with the emergencies for a while???

2013-05-02T21:49:00.001-04:00

since april first we've had something happen every two weeks, and every time on a monday. first was the neighbor's house catching fire, luckily we didn't have any damage. the next thing was js' stroke. he's doing very well with his recovery. the doctors and therapists all seem to be impressed with the rate at which he is recovering. this past monday, js' uncle passed away. it's been an extremely rough and stressful few weeks.

js was very close to his uncle. his uncle taught him how to cook and appreciate the finer things in life. his uncle was diagnosed with liver cancer at the beginning of march. not even two months later we got the call that he was moved to hospice and then he had died.

js is having a pretty hard time accepting all of this. i totally understand. i lost my aunt to breast cancer when i was 20. i don't know that i have completely dealt with it and that is almost 20 years ago. i guess we all deal with death differently.

i'm so happy that it is may now. we're hoping for no more emergencies for a very long while.

a year ago

2013-04-24T20:31:00.001-04:00

a year ago today we closed on our house. so much has happened in a year. life never slows down to let us catch up, it keeps on going whether we're ready or not.

pbs was two a year ago. he was just getting into the whole walking/running thing. he was starting to talk more. we were gathering, packing, moving and unpacking boxes a year ago. we started painting rooms. we're still painting rooms a year later but we're farther along than we were a year ago. we were figuring out home ownership for the first time. we're still figuring out home ownership a year later but we know more than we did a year ago.

a year ago we didn't have any idea that a year later js would be recovering from a stroke. life really changes when big events happen. it changes with small events too, but it seems more manageable.

a year ago.

er and hospital fun

2013-04-24T11:10:00.002-04:00

a little over a week ago js had a small stroke. he was sitting at his desk at work and got a splitting headache, numbness in his left arm and hand and right side of his face, he couldn't swallow and he leaned to the right and couldn't walk with out help. he googled his symptoms and saw that it could possibly be a stroke. he called me to let me know that his assistant was taking him to urgent care. his assistant then picked up pbs and me to get us to js asap.

while at urgent care, he had another episode of the above symptoms. they were really concerned and told him that he was going to the er by ambulance. he wasn't happy about that but he went because there was nothing else he could do. he texted me to let me know that he was on his way to the er.

at the er, they did a ct scan and it came back normal. then they did an mri and found a small spot, the size of a pin head on his brain stem. it was in the only place that controls both sides of the body. the doctors were/are baffled because js is in good health, is young (34) and has no family history of this sort of thing.

i made a few phone calls but texting and facebook were my main source of getting the word out. here is my fiirst post.:

js has been in the er since 11:00 this morning with a splitting headache, numbness on the right side of his face and in his left arm and hand, he can't swallow, he leans to the right when he walks. They've done a ct scan and an MRI. They think he might have had a mini stroke or an atypical migraine. Still waiting on full results. They're going to admit him. He had a small stroke. Prayers please!

i posted several times and sent several texts and emails to family and friends.

we're still in the er right now. i guess we're waiting on a room to open up. we'll probably be here at least one night, maybe more. pbs is with some very good friends. js has had visitors already. his spirits are up and he's cracking jokes. thanks for all of the prayers and support!

he's been moved to a double room on the intermediate care floor. he's exhausted and can't swallow, so a little frustrated because he can't sleep from all of the poking, prodding, etc. his spirits are still okay just needs/wants to know what's going on and why. so do i. pbs is having a great time with our friends. lots of prayers please! i know they work!

he's hungry and thirsty too but they won't let him eat until he's been evaluated by the speech therapist.

he just found out he won't be going home today.

js is sitting up in a chair and has been cleared to eat and drink by the speech pathologist! he's still dizzy, still has a headache and the right side of his face is numb. he's been asking for coffee all morning and now he can have it! the hospital personnel have been great, very professional and friendly.

these posts went on all week. it was a pretty rough week for all three of us. here's part of an email from the first day in the er.:

it means so much to know that so many people have been thinking and praying for him, for us.

it is/was pretty scary to think about what could have happened. that's what i did while he was getting the ct scan and mri yesterday. i felt so small and inconsequential. i had absolutely no control, so all i could do is pray and ask for prayers from others. i had about three hours to do this.

he had his sense of humor yesterday but he looked much worse. he couldn't swallow but he can now, so he was able to eat and drink today. he's on a regular diet pretty much and can eat whatever he wants. i think being able to eat and drink really helped bring his spirits up even more.

he'll have to have some pretty intensive pt for the next several weeks but otherwise he will be almost back to normal by the time he's discharged.

and another...:

it just breaks my heart thinking of you sitting there in the hospital waiting to hear about js' condition for three hours. i hope you know that you have a whole community behind you.

i hope all goes well getting js discharged and home soon. thanks for the updates and I hope to talk to you again soon.

my last and final post from the hospital.:

Waiting on the wheelchair and we're outta here!

i'm so happy to report that he was discharged on friday! we came home, picked up pbs and have been laying low pretty much ever since. js is working a little from home and of course going to his doctor's and pt appointments. he's doing really well and just needs to work on his balance to get back to 100%.

no april foolin'

2013-04-02T20:26:00.000-04:00

normally "putting out fires" is just a saying but last night it was the real deal for our next door neighbors. there were 13 or more firetrucks and emergency vehicles on our street from about 8 pm to 11 pm. js had already left for a meeting at church, when the neighbor on the other side of us knocked on our door. pbs and i were already ready for bed in our pajamas and bare feet. our neighbor said that the other neighbor's house was on fire. no april foolin'!

now having lived through wild fires, being evacuated, not knowing if we would have a home to go back to...my mind was racing! i was home alone with pbs and i didn't have a car. what should i grab if i needed to get out fast? a normal person might grab important papers, pictures, sentimental things, etc. the last time we went through this, i grabbed my shoes...all of my shoes! let's just say i don't do well in this sort of situation. i panic and stress and worry like there is no tomorrow, which i guess could've been the truth. i pretty much turn into a frozen idiot/pile of mush.

last night was no different. i had flashbacks to being evacuated and started shaking. i tried to keep myself calm so that i could take care of pbs and not scare him too much. i called js and he came home from his meeting to be with us and make sure that everything was okay. pbs and i were crying when js got home. he was able to calm us both down and be strong for all of us.

i feel very fortunate to be able to say that we have no damage but at the same time i feel very sad and sorry for the family next door. we don't know for sure what started the fire and i don't know that we will know. i don't think i really want to know, although if it's something wrong with wiring or something like that maybe i should know.

no april foolin' here!

experimenting

2013-03-23T19:13:00.000-04:00

today js and i decided it would be a good day to get out for a little while. we went to old town for lunch at a little french crepe place. pbs wasn't thrilled with it but he did tell us when he had to use the potty. so that was a success in the experiment! yay!

then we walked down to the potomac river and ran around in the park for a little bit. that didn't go quite as well. pbs had an accident. he was playing hide and go seek and was hiding behind a tree when he realized he had to go potty. we had extra clothes with us but had also driven instead of taking the metro, so js walked back to get the car. pbs and i watched two saint bernard puppies play in the park while we waited for our ride. those are going to be some big dogs!

as we were waiting, pbs wanted to pet the puppies but got a little scared because they were bigger than him. their owners were telling the puppies that they needed to focus on going potty. i just thought it was kind of ironic that pbs is in the same stage of development as the puppies.

we came home and pbs took a nap for a little while. js and i started working on our taxes. so not fun. there are so many new things that we have to consider this year...new house, new business...just to name a couple. this has to be right up there with potty training when it comes to things that i "love" to do. yuck!

after his nap, the three of us raked some leaves in the backyard and then took a walk to the park. we took the soccer ball along. pbs played on the slides for a little bit then we all kicked the soccer ball around for a while. a little girl joined in our kicking the ball game and then she had to go home. we left the park then too. when we got home, pbs had to use the potty. another success! yay!

so i guess all in all, it was a pretty successful day of experimenting in the world of potty training.

what a process!

2013-03-22T12:26:00.001-04:00

potty training is definitely not one of my favorite things to do. pbs and i have been quarantined, in our own home basically, since february 18th. just over a month with very little tv or contact with living people or animals.

i think we are both going stir crazy and are so ready to get out and do something. but, i am extremely nervous about getting out and not being near a restroom for those necessary, extremely urgent potty runs that i know will happen.

he seems to be getting it. (quick! knock on anything that is a wood product so that i don't jinx myself!) like i said in my last post, he has been telling us when he has to go both number one and number two. we've had several days of no accidents, but we've always been at home and close to the potty.

i think i need a little more confidence and courage to get myself and pbs out of the house to do lunch with a friend, go see the dinosaurs or trains at the museums, go shopping. i realize that i'll probably have to take a few outfit changes with us, for him and maybe for me, when i finally get nerve up to go on an outing of any length.

we have gone on a few walks around the block in with him wearing his "big boy underwear". we have gone to church too but he's been in a pull-up and that seems to give him the idea that it's okay to go in his pants because it feels like a diaper. maybe this sunday we should try going with the "big boy underwear" instead of the pull-up and see how he does. it's all such a process! it will be over eventually, right? right?

getting there

2013-03-20T07:49:00.000-04:00

we're getting there. potty training is moving along. pbs seems to be getting it. he's been telling us when he has to use the potty sometimes, even when we're out and about. he still has a few accidents but we're getting there.

i think js and i are getting there too. we're talking about going to counseling sessions to talk through our grief, uncertainties and everything we haven't really dealt with in regards to all of our losses. we're hoping that will help us move forward and let us make decisions about whether or not to try again. so we're getting there too.

i think we're always trying to get there, but sometimes we have to figure out where the there is before we can begin "getting there." eventually we will be where we need to be, but for now we're still getting there.

riding the potty train...and going crazy!

2013-03-06T11:42:00.000-05:00

we are definitely riding the potty train right now. pbs is on high alert for potty runs and training purposes. we've been riding the potty train hard and consistently for two and a half weeks now. he's doing really well. (knocking on wood so that i don't jinx myself! knock, knock, knock!!!)

pbs and i have been stuck inside ever since i decided to jump on the train on presidents' day. we are driving each other crazy! i'm nervous about getting out because of accidents. i don't know how many outfits to take with me for an outing to the museum or shopping in old town. i don't know where all the restrooms are to make the much necessary potty runs. would i get there in time? would i have a huge mess on my hands, (literally and figuratively)? how long until i know that we are finished with riding this train?

we've had several days of using the potty every time for going number one, but number two is still very much an issue. i've caught him starting to go in his pants the last three days and have run him straight to the potty. he's made it. we're able to make it an hour or more at a time for going number one. i've been putting him in a slip on diaper for his nap and that has been dry almost every day for about the last week. i consider that to be a huge success. he's still in an overnight diaper but we're taking this one step at a time.

i'm worried about getting out because he's not really telling js and me that he has to go potty yet. we have gone to church and he's told us that he has to go. so maybe i'm just petrified of not being near a restroom and him having an accident.

i know that every parent has to ride this train at some point, so good luck and i hope it doesn't drive you and your little one crazy!

how long until i'm me again?

2013-02-25T21:56:00.000-05:00

how long until i'm me again? or at the very least, feel like myself again? it's been four years and a couple of months since i had the first miscarriage. since then, i've had pbs and four more miscarriages.

most of the time, i feel like i'm just going through the motions of every day life, trying to pass as a living person and not someone dwelling on the losses. it's difficult not to dwell on the losses when they happen so close together. four of the five losses have been in the last year and a half.

i've had people ask if it's a fertility issue, autoimmune issue, etc. nobody knows. the doctors don't think it's a fertility issue, since i seem to be able to get pregnant without any problem. i just can't seem to keep the pregnancy past a few weeks. js and i have done all of the tests for the autoimmune issues and those all came back normal. the doctors can't seem to figure it out either. pbs is definitely our miracle!

i had one doctor actually say that it was just bad luck. i can't accept that because we do have pbs. (he's a healthy, happy, thriving three year old. rambunctious and stubborn, but i'm sure he gets that from his daddy. ;) just kidding! he gets a fair share of stubbornness from me as well.)

so this year i've decided that i'm going to try to relax more for myself and for my family. i need to take more time for myself and not always surround myself with js, pbs and other people. i think i need to let myself, mind, body and spirit, heal before i/we make any decisions or take any action one way or another. maybe then i will be me again, feel more like myself again.

love...

2013-02-15T20:11:00.000-05:00

since yesterday was valentine's day, it might be appropriate to write something about love. i love js and pbs with everything i am. i don't know what i would do without them.

at times i find myself not wanting to go on living because i'm so down from everyday life and other circumstances, but i know that i would never act on those feelings. i pray that God would take these discouraging thoughts away. i push them aside and decide to deal with them at a later time. so far, i'm not sure that i've actually dealt with them.

i really do love my life. i know it may not always sound like i do or that things aren't going my way but i really do love my life.

i love watching pbs grow into such the little charmer. although i'm a little nervous about what that will bring in his teenage years. i love watching him learn new things and listening to him form words, ideas and thoughts. he is so bright and always is learning, observing and soaking everything up just like a little sponge. i hope that the sponge never gets too full, that he will keep learning and soaking everything up always.

in the last couple of days, pbs has asked me a couple times if i would marry him. i have to smile and laugh a little at that, but i've told him that he has to talk to js about that. he asked js to marry him too. so cute and sweet!

life is all about love. we love our families, our friends, our jobs. sometimes there are actual objects that we love, but we call it sentimental value instead of love. i know that i'm more attached to people than i am to things and it's very difficult for me to watch someone who is more attached to objects than what really matters.

i love my family, immediate, extended and in-laws. it's often difficult to share that love from so many miles away but i feel it in my heart. i have many friends that i consider to be family. i love them all.

i hope that you had a wonderful valentine's day with your loved ones. love...

vote for mary kay in the 2013 corporate citizenship film festival

2013-02-15T18:11:00.002-05:00

as i've mentioned in a couple other posts, i started selling mary kay cosmetics this past july. it is really an awesome company because of the care and training they provide to their consultants. they want each of us to succeed in our own way. of course they are concerned with the numbers, they're a business. they are committed to empowering women of all ages, backgrounds, creeds, ethnicity.

the mary kay foundation has a campaign going on right now to help women who are in abusive relationships. this is called, "don't look away" text for help. the next couple of paragraphs are from the mary kay foundation website:

home should be a safe haven. unfortunately, thousands of homes are like war zones each day because of domestic violence.

we want to stop the violence and break the silence...

...domestic violence is the no. 1 cause of injury for women ages 15 to 44. these victims suffer emotionally too from depression, anxiety or social isolation. domestic abuse occurs to women of all ages, income levels and educational backgrounds.

(i took out some of the numbers and statistics, but you can find them here.)

10 warning signs of an abusive relationship

• Checking your cell phone or email without permission

• Constantly putting you down

• Extreme jealousy or insecurity

• Explosive temper

• Isolating you from family or friends

• Making false accusations

• Mood swings

• Physically hurting you in any way

• Possessiveness

• Telling you what to do

* these warning signs are provided by loveisrespect.org. discuss your options anonymously by sending the text “loveis” to 77054.

so here is my reason for posting all of this. (this is copied from the consultant website, intouch.)

the 2013 corporate citizenship film festival has begun, and the mary kay corporate social responsibility team needs your help!

the company has submitted a powerful short video that highlights mary kay inc.’s “don’t look away” text for help campaign. in support of this important initiative, mary kay inc. has donated $1 million to loveisrespect.org for this first ever nationwide text-for-help program for teens and young adults.

please submit your vote during the public voting period from feb. 14 – mar 1. the 10 companies with the most votes will advance. be sure to email the link to your friends and family and post it on social media. we need as many votes as possible to help move mary kay’s important video to the final round!

if you or anyone you know needs immediate help, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233).

vote for mary kay in the 2013 corporate citizenship film festival!

(to vote go to www.bcccc.net. click on the conferences & events tab. then click on corporate citizenship conference in the pull down menu. on this page there is a menu on the left, click on 2013 film festival. this will take you to the voting page. the voting section is on the right hand side of the page. vote for mary kay! thanks!)

climbing out of the darkness

2013-02-03T14:28:00.002-05:00

2013 has started off kind of in the dumps for us. we are hoping that things start looking up soon. january started out pretty good actually. then pbs got sick and decided to share with js and me. why is it so difficult for a three year old to share normally but then they have no problem sharing their sickness? a run to the er and everything magically returned to normal for about a week.

we then found out we were expecting again. every time we find this out, we're cautiously excited and slowly tell people and ask for prayers. when you've been through as many miscarriages as we have, it's hard to be excited and happy. we told our parents and a few people at church but that was it. i had some cramping and spotting at five weeks. my obgyn had me come in for a blood test. my hormone levels had dropped by half what they were a few days earlier. my body was waiting for that news from the doctor so that it could move forward in the process, i think. i started bleeding within a couple hours of getting the news from my doctor.

so now we're trying to climb out of this dark hole that we've been dropped into again. i don't wish this on anyone. five miscarriages, nobody should have to go through this without knowing why and getting answers. so far we don't know why and we don't have any answers. we've been tested for many different things that could possibly cause miscarriages but the tests have all come back normal. it's frustrating to say the least. i hope that we can climb out of the darkness and maybe even be a light for others. that's my wish for this year, to be a light for others even when i feel trapped and stuck by the darkness.

a bunch of icky sickies

2013-01-18T12:36:00.001-05:00

warning! this post will have yuckiness! do not read if you have a weak stomach!

as of the beginning of this week, we have joined the rest of the world in getting sick. we are a bunch of icky sickies! pbs started us off sunday morning when we were getting ready for church. he decided it was a good time to exorcise his stomach contents on the kitchen floor, twice. i forgot to mention that he'd gotten a flu shot on friday.

i checked his temperature and found that he had a slight fever. slight, meaning he had a fever of 101.3. needless to say we stayed home from church. (staying home from church always seems to throw me off for the week and i don't know what day it is for the rest of the week.)

we thought/hoped it was just a 24 hour bug and not something more serious. his fever was like a yoyo most of the day but never got over 103. he up chucked a couple more times and added some "peeping" to the mix later in the day. ("peeping" is what you get when a three year old describes diarrhea. not fun!)

by monday, we thought he was acting a little more normal but by 11 pm his fever spike to 105 and he had thrown up in his bed while sleeping. i tried to wake him so i could clean him and the sheets up but he wouldn't wake. i woke js up from his napping position on the couch. js put pbs in a cool bath and we gave him some children's ibuprofen. his fever was all over the place and not going down. he was so lethargic. it was all so scary. we finally made the decision to go to the er.

there are several er's to choose from in our area. so we went to the one with the children's hospital first. they were swamped! so we left and went to one that's a little closer to where we live. i sat in the
backseat with pbs and kept checking his temperature while js drove. we arrived at the er and got in right away. i'm so glad they could see us so quickly. the nurses and doctor checked pbs out and he was quite
cooperative. he was even asking some questions, maybe not medical questions but he was responding to them. (i've asked him a few times what he wants to be when he grows up and his answer has always
been a doctor.) they gave him some anti nausea medicine and that seemed to help. we were on our way home by 3 am. what a night!

pbs still had some "peeping" on tuesday, but his fever was pretty much gone. the "peeping" lasted until yesterday. he hasn't had any so far today. plus he's pretty much his normal happy self. i, on the other hand, have been shared with and started with the "peeping" this morning. i hope js can stay healthy for all of us. i hope that we can get back to normal and not be icky sickies any longer! i also hope that nobody else gets this yuckiness! i know i don't like being an icky sicky! stay healthy!

i cannot believe it!

2013-01-09T15:27:00.001-05:00

pbs has turned three! i cannot believe it! (if any of you who read this watch disney junior's little einsteins, you might recognize my reference to quincy.)

for his birthday, pbs asked for cars and trains. since christmas was only two weeks before, he already had gotten plenty of cars and trains so i went the educational gift route. he got finger paints, play dough, construction paper, kid friendly scissors, glue sticks, preschooler sized pencils, workbooks, etc.

he did get a few toys. he was quite happy with what he did get. he's three! he doesn't need much in the way of toys. he could almost start a small library with the books he has. why is it so difficult to buy gifts for a three year old!?!?

js and i were reminiscing about what we were doing three years ago. i think we left the hospital three years ago to embark on this exciting adventure called parenthood. who knew that we would get to the point of talking about bodily functions and not thinking twice about it? who knew that we would hurt when pbs got hurt? who knew that it would be so difficult and challenging, in a good way, to discipline pbs?

as odd as it may seem sometimes, i wouldn't change one single second of our life! he's three and I cannot believe it!

new year, new me?

2013-01-03T13:07:00.001-05:00

happy new year! i'm actively hoping this year brings some happy, encouraging times, some disappointing and hard times, and some not too exciting, almost boring times. without all of those things, life is boring and dull. i hope to better myself in my business, in my relationships and personally as well.

during these winter months, i often get very blue. i guess it could be called "the winter blues." i don't seem to come out of my slump until i see some signs of spring. this year, i hope to not wallow in my blue period and motivate myself to be more cheerful and encouraging to myself, my family and friends.

i want to be more prosperous and successful in my mary kay business. i really enjoy getting to meet other women and helping them see their full beauty potential, inside and out. i would love to start growing my business and team and earn a car. a car would help js and me out, since we only have one car right now.

so i know what i want to do. now i just need to figure out how to do it and achieve those goals to make me a "new me."

reflections

2012-12-29T21:31:00.002-05:00

i'm ready to move into the new year, slowly but still moving forward. leaving 2012 in my memory is the best thing for me, js and pbs. i am happy to leave the good and bad behind to see what's in store for me, us in the future.

i don't know what the future holds, nor do i want to know now. i can't change it. even if I knew what the future held, i don't think i would want to change it. that would change too many other facets of me, who i am supposed to become. the path that has been laid for me is specific to me. why would i want to change something so important?

there are times when i feel like i'm not worth it, a failure. i try to change my attitude, to be more positive. it works most of the time. other times i wallow in self pity for a while. then i am reminded by pbs or js that i'm not a failure and i am here for a reason. i might not know the reason right now, but i think js and pbs are pretty good reasons.

the last few years have been pretty challenging. i wouldn't be who i am today if i hadn't gone through those experiences. i would not have had the confidence to be a sahm, to start my own mary kay business, to travel by myself. some, if not all, of those experiences made me stronger, more willing to take risks. i hope that one day i understand why js and i had to go through so many losses and hardships. right now i just want to live! i want to reflect, remember and learn from but not dwell on or in the past. so as 2013 quickly approaches, reflect and move forward, learning as you go.

tears of sadness

2012-12-18T13:40:00.002-05:00

in the last couple of days i've broken down in tears a few times. pbs has come up to me and said, "mommy? you're crying? let me give you a hug and kiss to make you feel better." i wish that was all that it would take to make me feel better.

when i've started crying it's because i was reading an article on the newtown, ct elementary school mass shooting and i was thinking about the parents of all of those children. i can't imagine how those parents, both those who lost their children and those who did not, feel. i can imagine what it's like to lose a child and my heart completely breaks every time i even think about the evil and cruelty in our world.

there was even a point when i spoke with js on the phone, he's been on travel for the last week for work. he hadn't heard what happened. when i told him what had happened, we talked about home schooling pbs. i don't really feel qualified to home school him and i want him to have a so called "normal" childhood, which would include going to a real school. i would like to send him to a private parochial school because i went to private parochial school from preschool through high school. js is on the public school side because he went to public school from kindergarten through high school. after this latest mass killing, we might be more on the same page.

it's not that a private parochial school is any better or safer than a public school, but i think that i would feel that it was a bit better and safer because i could have a say and see where the money was actually going. i know that bad things happen in these schools too but it doesn't seem to be as often or even on the same scale. class sizes are smaller and there are more opportunities for individualized instruction.

here's an example. i went to a very small school. it started when i was in third grade with a total of 23 children. we had combined classes. so in my classroom it was second, third and fourth grades. kindergarten and first grade were combined in another room. there were eight of us in these three classes, all of us girls. fourth grade was the highest grade, kindergarten was the lowest. the preschool was separate. we had the principal as our teacher in the morning and the preschool teacher as our teacher in the afternoon. the principal and preschool teacher were married to each other.

now, fast forward almost thirty years...js and i moved to the west coast and started going to a church where my third grade teachers were attending. they are some of our closest friends and are pbs' God parents. i don't think we would have found a relationship like this in a public school.

it's not fair to have to make these kinds of life decisions for our children. i know that we make life decisions for them from the time we find out we're expecting, but why should we have to decide where to send our children to school based on whether it's safe and secure? i guess the days when parents decided to send their children to a school because of it's academic reputation are gone.

i'm so saddened by all of this, especially because it seems to be "normal" to have a mass shooting.

results

2012-12-15T18:56:00.001-05:00

the results came back from the blood tests that js and i had done. everything was normal. it's good news to know that there's nothing wrong according to the blood tests that were performed. but it's also frustrating because we still don't have any answers to why i keep having miscarriages around the same point in every pregnancy. plus the doctor we saw was on vacation so i couldn't ask the questions i wanted to ask.

we've been pregnant five times. we have pbs. he was our second pregnancy. our first ended around eight weeks but i didn't have any symptoms of the loss until 13 weeks. our third and fifth pregnancies ended at seven weeks. our fourth pregnancy ended at five weeks. we've named all of the babies except for this last one. i haven't been able to come up with a name yet.

some days are better than others. some days are worse. i have a very hard time being around anyone who's pregnant now or has just had a baby in the last few months. i can't say congratulations or give any sort of well wishes. i feel guilty about this but i don't know what to do or say. it's always awkward, i'm sure because others don't know what to say or do or how to react to us.

i want answers. i hope to get some soon.

testing, testing...

2012-12-04T15:35:00.001-05:00

more tests. i'm ready for more, if you are. bring it! consider it brought!

i feel like everything seems to be a huge test lately. either i'm feeling testy because someone or something is getting on my nerves or it really is a test that js and i have to work through.

pbs likes to push buttons. he likes to say, "i'm pushing your buttons!", when he's pushing buttons on a remote or an old cell phone. it's pretty cute but sometimes it's true, he is pushing my buttons. i try to laugh it off and go on with whatever i'm trying to accomplish. sometimes i get angry and frustrated and that shows on my face, in my actions. pbs can tell and seems to get a little bit scared. i try to take a step back and look at the situation and approach it a different way. it doesn't always work.

i think he's testing js and me to see how far he can push us before we tell him to stop. i'll tell him up to three times not to do something. if by the third time he hasn't changed his behavior i take action. we sit him on a step for a time-out or if he's doing something that is dangerous, he gets a spanking. i hate spanking him. it tears me apart to have to do it. i guess it's another test that i have to work through.

we've gotten some results back from some of our blood tests and they were all normal. we're still waiting on some others. the waiting seems like a test sometimes too. how patiently i can wait is the hardest test right now, i think. i guess we'll have more testing done if the other tests come back normal too.

testing, testing...

doctors, procedures, understanding life

2012-11-26T19:36:00.002-05:00

in a previous post i mentioned having had some issues during october this year. well, i think it's about time for me to talk, share, open up and breathe for a little bit.

in october, js and i experienced another miscarriage. it kind of feels like de ja vou or a really long, horrible dream that i cannot wake up from. today we began the process of trying to find out why this keeps happening. eventually we will probably try again but i don't think i'm ready yet. i'm not sure how much more i can take - physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

i am so blessed to have js and pbs in my life. if/when this happens i seem to shut down for a while, want to curl up in a little ball and crawl into a hole and stay there forever. i know that i can't stay that way forever because i do have people who depend on me. i think i've just been going through the motions of every day life for the past several weeks. i want to be the best mommy and wife i can be for js and pbs, but i know i haven't been lately.

through our process of trying to figure out why, we will have blood tests, (several of which we had today), and visits to my obgyn and the high-risk doctors and whatever other tests may be needed. i know that i want answers but i'm also scared to know that i could be causing this to happen because of some undiscovered, underlying issue that we didn't know about. i guess that's what comes along with knowing.

pray for peace of mind, comfort in knowing and not knowing everything in His time. pray for strength, wisdom, understanding and grace as we find out or don't find out the answers to our questions. pray that we can lean on each other, but also find the strength we need within and from Him.

any interest in mary kay?

2012-11-09T12:46:00.002-05:00

i'm trying to figure out how to grow my mary kay business. i've done facials, had skin care classes and color/glamour parties online and in my home and other people's homes. i have a few internet parties going on right now and a multiple vendor open house scheduled for the beginning of december.

i think eventually i would like to have a few team members and maybe even work my way to earning a car. i'm still so new at this that all of that seems pretty far off.

i guess i'm still nervous about approaching people and asking them to try the product. it's kind of difficult when pbs and i are in the house most of the time because of weather or some other form of blockade. i have made connections with some friends and family through phone calls and emails, but i don't want to bother them all the time either.

the need to grow my business is pretty big and daunting to me. i'm not a very outgoing person if i don't know who i'm talking to. i'm rather shy at times, actually. (pbs helps a little with this because he seems to be able to talk to anyone.)

i don't want to be pushy and i try to let my customers decide what is best for them. but at the same time, i'm in this to help support my family. so far, i don't feel like i'm doing a very good job with this part.

(if you're interested in purchasing any mary kay product or other information, let me know. i would love to help in any way i can! my website is www.marykay.com/lynnstraw.)

fun when the storm rolls in

2012-11-03T19:59:00.001-04:00

as i'm sure most of the world may know, the east coast of the usa was bombarded by hurricane/super storm sandy/frankenstorm at the beginning of this week.

js, pbs and i lost power for about 12 hours. we made the best of it. we have a gas fireplace, which js figured out how to light and we kept warm from the heat off of that. pbs was a little freaked out at first but js and i made it fun for him and his fears seemed to disappear. we "cleaned the floor" in front of the fireplace by having sock footed races. for dinner we had chips and popcorn, fun stuff for an out of the ordinary kind of night. later in the evening we decided to have a cars 2 slumber party in our bedroom. we brought the ipad with cars 2 on it into our room and the three of us were snuggled up in our bed. pbs slept in our bed that night.

js checked out the house and neighborhood after frankenstorm and everything seemed fine for us. there were a few limbs down but it didn't seem like anything was damaged. that's how we have fun when the storm rolls in.

busy as bees

2012-11-03T19:31:00.001-04:00

it's been a long while since i've posted anything. we were really busy the whole month of october. i know it's only going to get more hectic with the holidays coming. we've had some ups and downs this past month. at some point i hope to be able to post about the low points but i just can't bring myself to do it right now. the high points were family and friends visiting, lifting our spirits and caring for us. it was really perfect timing with everything that we had going on in our personal life. our friends and family couldn't have visited at a better time.

js, pbs and i are doing ok now. pbs dressed up as a train engineer for halloween. he was the cutest train engineer i've ever seen! :) js and i took turns walking him around the neighborhood for trick-or-treating. we finally met some more of our neighbors. that was a fun night too.

now we're trying to figure out what to do for Christmas and new year's. i know thanksgiving isn't even here yet! we're trying to figure out if we're going to our family or if we're staying home. it always seems to be so stressful for all involved when we travel for the holidays or any other trips visiting family. i think we'll be home for thanksgiving for the most part.

anyway, i just wanted to let you know that i haven't forgotten or given up on this blog yet. we've just been busy as bees and i haven't had time to post. i will post more soon!