From Here to There and Everywhere

Mourning

2011-07-30T15:35:00.006-04:00

The death of a loved family member forces me deep into myself facing painful and beautiful memories.

I mourn alone but I believe it is a unique and necessary solitary experience, beautiful in a way.

I think of my Grandfather and he will always be the strong patriarch ... even though his last few months he was so weakened and frail. I will think of him tending to his garden with so much love and pride. I will think of the way he smiled and laughed often. I will think of his tenderness and love he gave to his grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I am proud to call him grandfather.

Thank you for your presence in my life.

Goodbye and may you rest peacefully.

This is not NECESSARILY about the Casey Anthony trial ...

2011-07-13T10:34:00.001-04:00

I have heard quite a bit of banter these days regarding injustice and the typical response I hear, "Well, they will get theirs" in a Karma-ish manner.

Hmmm.

It disturbs me to think that we have turned into a nation of avoidance. We are a frightened bunch of people ... we don't want to be the ones that actually hurt someone but we want to believe that justice will be served by someone else. NOT ME. I don't want to be the responsible person ... let someone ELSE do it.

But this is deeper than that ...

I also notice some extremely weak minded people that allow themselves to be manipulated by a stronger force ... or not necessarily stronger but more manipulative and instead of people standing up for themselves they allow themselves to be swept away by manipulation.

We have turned into a nation of wimps.

Several years ago I was attending graduate school for Elementary Education. I wanted to teach children ... imagine that. In one of my classes we were discussing the recent and over abundance of violence in the schools. The teacher advised us to do nothing if a child has a gun in the classroom. I thought to myself ... hmmm ... if a child between the ages of 6 thru 11 has a gun in my classroom and I am the teacher responsible for those students ... you better believe that I would DO something. First off, even if the child is large ... his aim probably won't be very good ... and instead of watching this child shot or threaten to shoot I would attempt to remove the gun from the childs hands. Kick a desk toward the child then lunge at his hand. It only requires a quick action and reaction. Maybe I'll get shot but chances are the shot won't kill me ... in the arm or in the leg.

But if you stand there and allow a child to shoot other children and you do nothing ... nothing at all ... how could you ever live with yourself?

I'm not a hero. I don't have a hero mindset but I do believe that we all must sometimes fight for what is right. We all must stand up to injustice and not believe that someone ELSE will do something about it. We can all have a bit of hero in us, it wouldn't take much ... a bit of self confidence, a dash of personal responsibility, a little less believing every single word you read or hear ... and a huge dose of knowing and understanding your own mind. Maybe that is what we are missing ... we watch TV and listen to the radio and absorb others opinions ... turn off the TV ... go live your own life by doing things and develop your own MIND with your own experiences. Build your own knowledge by reading books and some classic literature. Challenge yourself, read things and do things you know you will hate.

Don't push the responsibility on to others ... with the "they will get theirs in the end" type of attitude ... maybe YOU are the one that has been tasked with that responsibility.

Don't be so easily fooled ... if it doesn't feel like the right thing to do ... there is no reason to go along with the popular belief.

It may be a cliche but some of those have value ... if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it must be a duck.

Assume the obvious!

Changes

2011-06-12T12:48:00.004-04:00

It's been a very long time since I felt the desire to write and this blog has been long neglected.

I doubt that anyone would notice whether or not I am writing today but so be it ... I feel the need to write again.

I am now separated; soon to be divorced. I'm not exactly sure I am ready to talk about it in depth, so I will save that discussion for later. Maybe.

I do, however, want to talk about my lovely ladies, my girlys, my gorgeousnesses and my sun and moon.

Today my Showstopper ran into the house asking me to make healthy snacks while the neighborhood kids made posters to educate everyone of the benefits of eating all natural foods ... HUH? This from the child that doesn't eat anything that doesn't have a Frito-Lay label on the bag?

Showstopper assisted in making homemade apple cider frozen popsicles, banana smoothie frozen ice-cubes and freshly squeezed orange juice. While everything went into the freezer/fridge ... she ran off to make posters.

...An hour later I asked the girls to run to the store with me so I could buy some clorine for the pool ... they stomped and argued ... I dragged them along kicking and screaming ... then they decided it was time for lunch and begged for McDonalds.

Well, at least the idea of eating healthy enters into Showstoppers head now and again.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program ... this is only a test

2011-03-10T11:41:00.003-05:00

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

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GURGLE GROWL

StompWhineSCREAMshout

SCREAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM REALLLLLLLLLLLYYYYY LOUD

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Okay ... I think I am feeling a bit better.

We now return you to your program.

Tis the *@$%)&!)(@L#!! Season

2009-12-22T09:05:00.003-05:00

I'm cranky.

It's not really about Christmas time or anything, although I feel a bit overwhelmed with it all this year and I'm not exactly sure why I feel this way. It is enough that I KNOW I feel this way that is keeping me tied in knots. But that isn't why I'm cranky.

I have a tooth ache and while I ignore the pain a realization came to me today. A realization that disgusts me. A realization that makes me believe that human beings can sometimes SUCK!

I guess I should say ... not all human beings SUCK but I believe we probably have all sucked at one time or another. I believe we have all done something that is pretty shitty sometime in our lives. Fess up! Come on! You know that there is at least one offensive thing you have done! Most of us, can laugh about it now. Most of us have seriously minor infractions.

I'm looking at my new identification cards for my new dental insurance plan and it frustrates me. My tooth hurts and I know it's gonna cost me money and probably some serious pain.

I had a incident with a dentist some time back and it left a really bad taste in my mouth. Simply put, a dentist seriously took advantage of me and my lack of knowledge of the insurance industry (THIS IS WHAT PISSES ME OFF!). I don't ask for other people to know about my job and my technical lingo ... but be warned ... if you don't know everything there is to know about dentists that ACCEPT insurance versus those that PARTICIPATE you could receive a bill for $500 in the mail for fillings in BABY TEETH (white ones of course, because silver ones are completely covered for baby teeth ... the white ones are not). The insurance company paid over $300 for these fillings and I had to pay close to $500 ... $800 to fill 3 baby teeth which took less than 2 hours in total. Yep. No wonder this particular dentist lives in Upper Saint Clair.

That was several years ago and it pisses me off because I asked the correct questions I just didn't use their technical terms and because I didn't I was responsible for the money.

Today it rushes at me because I have to call my dentist and possibly others to find one that PARTICIPATES in my new dental plan. If they merely accept my insurance it means they ACCEPT the money that the insurance company sends them BUT they can BILL me for the remaining cost (at their discretion). If the dentist PARTICIPATES in the insurance plan, this means they must accept the payment that the insurance sends them as payment in full (excluding whatever copay you have with the plan).

If all people were decent and kind - I would have understood this concept BEFORE I was sent a bill for $500; but this is the only way for this particular dentist to afford his luxury home in Upper Saint Clair you see ...

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Merry *@$%)&!)(@L#!! Christmas everyone.

------------------------------------------

I guess it's all about perspective.

Look at these images if you are feeling a bit out of sorts ... it will put you back on the right track.

The Best of Photojournalism 2006 (Enterprise Picture Story) and then go back a level for even more pictures with a story to tell.

Yep, that'll do it for sure. My gripings hardly compare to what others endure.

A Work In Progress

2009-11-22T00:46:00.006-05:00

I've been very hard at work coming up with my list of sexy songs.

I've listened to many friends (on Facebook); I added some recommendations; I didn't add them all because some songs are just plain hard to find.

And in the end I've realized it's not the lyrics that make a great song great ... at least not for me... I like angst most of all.

Some songs are about heartache not sex ... but that to me is still sexy. The pain caused by love is sexy to me. Guess I'm a bit of a masochist; not really but love is love and whether it feels good or bad ... it makes the blood flow and makes the days of dullness disappear. Isn't that what we want most of all...excitement, newness, specialness ... to feel something.

And that is sexy!

So enough chatter.

My List (so far)

Ain't No Sunshine - Bill Withers
All Cried Out - Alison Moyet
All I Want is You - U2
All of My Love - Led Zeppelin
All Right Now - Free
All The Girls Love Alice - Elton John
Amoreena - Elton John
And I love Her - Beatles
Babe - Styx
Baby Blue - DMB
Baby Can't Wait - Maktub
Baby Its You - Smith
Baby, I love Your Way - Peter Frampton
Beautiful Crazy - Space Raiders
A Beautiful Morning - The Rascals
Best I Ever Had - Vertical Horizon
Beth - Kiss
Between the Sheets - Isley Brothers
The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
Can't Get Enough - Bad Company
Can't Get You Out of my Head - Kylie Minogue
Can't Help Falling In Love - UB40
Candy's Room - Bruce Springsteen
Cannonball - Damien Rice
Caught Up In You - 38 Special
Closer - NIN
The Closer I Get to You - Roberta Flack
Come Back and Stay - Paul Young
Come Back to Bed - John Mayer
Come Be with Me - Bird York
Comin' Back to Me - Jefferson Airplane
Cradle of Love - Billy Idol
Crash Into Me - DMB
Crazy - Patsy Cline
Crazy on You - Heart
Crush - Jennifer Paige
D'yer Mak'er - Led Zeppelin
Destiny - Zero 7
Dirty Little Girl - Elton John
Distant Lover - Marvin Gaye
Do I Move You - Nina Simone
Do Ya Think I'm Sexy - Rod Stewart
Do You Wanna Touch Me? - Joan Jet
Don't Cry - Guns N Roses
Don't Give Up - Peter Gabriel
Don't Panic - Coldplay
Euphoria - Delerium
Every time I think of you - The Babys
Fade Into You - Mazzy Star
Feel Like Makin Love - Bad Company
Feelin' Love - Paula Cole
The First Taste - Fiona Apple
The First Time Ever I saw Your Face - Roberta Flack
Flesh for Fantasy - Billy Idol
Flow - Nuno Bettencourt
Flower - Liz Phair
Futuresex Lovesound - Justin Timberlake
Giving Him Something He Can Feel - Aretha Franklin
Got to Get You Into My Life - Beatles
Green Eyes - Coldplay
The Heart Brings You Back - Blues Traveler
Here I Go Again - Whitesnake
Here Without You - 3 Doors Down
Here, There and Everywhere - Beatles
Hold On Loosely - 38 Special
The Hounds of Winter - Sting
How Can You Mend a Broken Heart - Al Green
How Deep is Your Love - Bee Gees
Hungry For Your Love - Van Morrison
I'd Do Anything for Love - Meat Loaf
I'll Be your Lover too - Van Morrison
I'm In You - Peter Frampton
I'm Still in Love with You - Al Green
I've Been Loving You Too Long - Otis Redding
I've Fallen In Love With You - Joss Stone
I've Got to see You Again - Norah Jones
I Am Ready for Love - India.Arie
I can't tell You Why - Eagles
I Couldn't Love You More - Sade
I Do What I Do - John Taylor
I Had A Dream - Joss Stone
I Hate Myself for Loving you - Joan Jeff
I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight - Cutting Crew
I Love You More Than You'll Ever Know - Blood, Sweat and Tears
I Need A Man- Eurythmics
I Never Loved A Man - Aretha Franklin
I Only Have Eyes For You - The Flamingos
I Want You (She's So Heavy) - Beatles
I Want You - Alana Davis
I Want You - Marvin Gaye
I Was Made for Lovin' You - Kiss
If I Should Lose You - Nina Simone
In the Waiting Line - Zero 7
In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
Is This Love - Whitesnake
It's a Man's Man's Man's World - James Brown
Just to be Close to you - Commodores
Kiss Me - Sixpence None The Richer ????
The Lemon Song - Led Zepplin
Let Me Put My Love Into You - ACDC
Lets Get it On - Marvin Gaye
The Letter - Joe Cocker
Like a Stone - Audioslave
Little Wing - Jimi Hendrix
Love and Happiness - Al Green
Love Walked in - Thunder
Lover - Devendra Banhart
Maybe - Alison Krauss
Maybe I'm Just Blind - 3 Doors Down
Maybe Tomorrow - Stereophonics
Melissa - The Allman Brothers Band
Midnight - Yaz
Miracles - Jefferson Starship
Misguided Angel - Cowboy Junkies
Mmm - Laura Izibor
Moonlight Mile - The Rolling Stones
More and More - Blood, Sweat and Tears
My Heart Can't Tell Me No - Rod Stewart
Never Tear Us Apart - Inxs
Never, Never Gonna Give You Up - Barry White
No More I Love Yous - Annie Lennox
Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Conner
Perfect World - Laura Izibor
Piece of My Heart - Big Brother & the Holding Company
Playground Love - Air
Rain - Candlebox
The Reason - Hoobastank
Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata
Restless - Alison Krauss
Ring On The Sill - Cowboy Junkies
Rush You - Baby Animals
Sex - Berlin
Shadow Boxer - Fiona Apple
She's Always A Woman - Billy Joel
Slave To Love - Bryan Ferry
Sleep to Dream Her - DMB
Slow Like Honey - Fiona Apple
So Far Away - Staind
Somewhere Down the Crazy River - Robbie Robertson
Song to the Siren - Robert Plant
Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word - Joe Cocker
Stay - Coal
Strange and Beautiful - Aqualung
Sweet Painted Lady - Elton John
Sweet Thing - Van Morrison
Sweet Thing - Chaka Khan
Sweetest Thing - U2
Then We'll Know - Maktub
These Eyes - Guess Who
This City Never Sleeps - Eurythmics
To Make You Feel My Love - Billy Joel
Try A Little Tenderness - Otis Redding
Werewolf - Cat Power
What Am I Gonna Do With You - Barry White
What Do I Have To Do - Stabbing Westward
When A Man Loves A Woman - Percy Sledge
Where Are You Going - DMB
Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin
Why Don't We Do It in the Rain - Beatles
Wicked Game - Chris Isaak
Wild Horses - The Rolling Stones
Wild Is The Wind - Nina Simone
Willow - Joan Armatrading
With or Without you - U2
You're a God - Veritcal Horizon
You've Made Me So Very Happy - Blood, Sweat & Tears
You Belong to Me - Michael Buble
You Can Leave Your Hat On - Joe Cocker
You Don't Have To Say You Love Me - Dusty Springfield
You Really Got Me - The Kinks
You Still Need Me - Baby Animals
You Took The Words Right Out of My Mouth - Meat Loaf
You Will Be My Ain True Love - Alison Krauss
#1 Crush - Garbage

More than a little vindicated

2009-11-21T16:03:00.002-05:00

Most of you know that I've had issues with my WildChild until we discovered 'The Feingold Diet' (which is NOT just for ADHD children) and the problems decreased dramatically.

We haven't been too diligent on this diet these days and the affects are obvious. Since Halloween my WildChild has received 4 demerits and what seemed to have been long gone temper tantrums have returned. Lucky me!

Finally...FINALLY...someone that most people respect has stated that there is a definite connection in some kids with food dye consumption and behavior problems.

I can't tell you how much better I feel knowing that millions of Oprah Magazine will read that there is a link and it is best to avoid.

The UK has banned some dyes; and others come with warnings on food.

I feel sooooo much better.

Silliness

2009-11-17T13:35:00.005-05:00

I am crazy!

I am ... you are ... we are ... YEPPERS. The whole world is crazy.

UGH, unfortunately the whole world is NOT crazy.

There are some sane individuals on this planet. I don't particularly like the sane people. I think they disturb the fabric of the universe by sending us partially insane individuals off kilter; they make us question our insanity; they treat us like we are irresponsible or silly or just plain stupid.

What is that all about? Hmmm?

Aren't seriously insane people happier? Don't they stress less, live longer? Don't they get to play games and finger paint and create all day versus of us mildly insane people that sit in a cubical 8-10 hours a day WISHING and WANTING to finger paint and create and play all day?

I think the seriously insane did it right and we are the ones that are holding onto a bit of sanity that we have left and it's because of them. YEP. The sane ones, they judge us ... they insist that we hold on to the itty bit of sanity we have left.

I hate [expletives] hate sane people ...especially the ones without a sense of humor ... damn.

Can we send all of the sane people, especially the ones without a sense of humor to another planet ... let them live out there in space for awhile. I'm sure at the beginning they would love to have a community full of all sane people; all functional and responsible.

After a year or two or three the lack of oxygen will affect their brains, possibly make them certifiably insane and us mildly insane folks will RULE THE UNIVERSE.

I guarantee the mildly insane will not choose to sit in cubicles all day.

Mildly insane people UNITE!

Hmmm?

Is it a plan?

I couldn't decide which one to post ... different versions of insanity; both so lovely.

This post was inspired by this song. The song spontaneously popped into my brain today. That is my story and I'm sticking to it, unless you torture me and then I may tell ya just about anything.

Something new ... or borrowed but not blue

2009-10-22T15:03:00.009-04:00

It is said that a blogger must decide it's niche and stick to it to ensure loyal readers.

I say FIE!

Well, I say that primarily because I think I lost most of my loyal readers a long time ago when I stopped blogging for several months.

So I am announcing a bit of a switcheroo on the blogging niche for me.

I am and will forever me a MOMMY BLOGGER. I do love writing about my darling girlys, but ShowStopper hasn't been much of a pleaser these days (very mouthy and full of preteen angst) and the WildChild hasn't been much of a wild child (radically changing her diet mellowed her out nicely). I think it means I need to give them new nicknames...but that is indeed for another post.

This particular post is about ME! Yep, ME! Exciting and Energetic ME!

HA!

Well, lets just say that soon I will be both.

I am changing my diet. I am going RAW! I will be eating mostly uncooked foods (there are rules that apply here but we will get into all of it soon enough) in the hopes to improve my overall health, skin and weight maintenance (oh, and the most unsung benefit of them all ... looking YOUNGER!!!!!)

Can you believe I will accomplish all of those things simply by NOT cooking the food I eat? This doesn't mean I'll be eating raw eggs and raw meat ... no this means I'll be eating mostly fruits, vegetables and nuts in a variety of ways.

I will blog about my journey and provide you with information about why and how and where ... and about my successes and my failures ... things that I am learning or unlearning about nutrition. I hope this will be fun for you. I'll still write about other things too, but already I have learned so much that I feel I need to share these wonderful helpful amazing concepts and ideas with you. While I was writing this post I was snacking on some raw pumpkin seeds and it's as good as a place as any to talk about the benefits of raw foods; so here are some fun facts about raw pumpkin seeds (aka pepitas).

Raw Pumpkin Seeds are a protein rich snack that can be enjoyed all year long.
This wonderful source of nutrients and is naturally rich in essential fatty acids and contains many other nutrients such as magnesium, iron, phosphorus, copper, potassium, niacin, folic acid, zinc, B vitamins, vitamin A, vitamin E, riboflavin, thymine protein, and fiber.

They also contain pantothenic acid, unsaturated oils and antioxidants.

More on the Nutrition of Pumpkin & its Seeds

Here is a recipe, probably not a beginners one but darn it I had to have this one, looks so YUM!

When I Was Their Age

2009-10-20T09:00:00.001-04:00

When I was 8 and 9 and 10 I remember sitting on the floor of my grandmothers house and flipping through the pages of the Sears Toy Catalog with tiney bits of drool dripping off of my chin.

My sister is 4 years youngers than me and we would flip through each page with greedy anticipation of Santa bringing us our hearts desire which would have been THE ENTIRE SEARS TOY CATALOG except for the stinking, icky, cucky boys toys. We eagerly flipped through that section quickly.

That catalog provided hours, no days, no weeks of entertainment for my sister and I. We imagined owning the Barbie Dreamhouse, Barbie Airplane, Barbie Convertibles and whatever else Mattel had for Barbies ... not to mention the dolls themselves. Oh and I loved Crissy dolls. Do you remember Crissy?

How about the Tiffany Taylor Doll? That one I had to look up ... I knew it was Taylor but couldn't remember the Tiffany part so I imagine she was a casual fancy. Crissy was never casual. EVER. It was the red hair. That red hair and stunning disco attire that kept me loving her for years and years. I bought a couple of Crissy dolls on eBay for my girls. They love her too. She is still their favorites even thou I have purchased many other updated dolls. They love their Crissy doll most of all.

Funny, huh?

I've digressed because now I have to tell you that my girls are not much interested in toys. How does this happen? They honestly do not want much in the way of toys. My girlys are 7 & 8 and they do not want toys. It is amazing to me.

The other day we got the Justice catalog in the mail and my girls spent hundreds and thousands of dollars on clothes and bags and shoes ... BLAH!

Yesterday someone dropped off an Avon catalog. My girl sat on the couch for hours circling and marking each page with hopeful anticipation that Santa would deliver her hearts desire ... everything from the A-V-O-N catalog.

AVON?

A V O N?

Really? I don't get it?

I just don't get it.

Does Santa have a Avon representative?

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Finally, I Have Something to Say...

2009-10-19T11:30:00.002-04:00

I feel almost like a stranger here.

Yes, this is my blog. I created it. I put my thoughts, dreams, nightmares ... yep, I put it all here in black and white for all of you (all 10 or so that you are) to read but yet I feel strange about this.

So much has happened but I guess not enough or not exciting enough to drudge through it all for you.

I have changed and I'm not exactly sure how or why or when or what happened but I am different somehow and I am getting used to my new skin. I shed the old and still trying to feel comfortable in the new. It takes time.

I don't think many of you would even recognize the change but something happened during and after the Disney vacation. Something happened after my laptop crashed and I lost hundreds maybe thousands of pictures. Something happened when my babies started school and are now involved with Flag Football, Bible Quizing and playing the drums.

I think I grew up. (OH THE SHAME OF IT ALL.)

They are no longer babies and I am no longer treating them like babies. A mommy has to grow up too. It is a very tramatic thing to have to do, and I didn't like it much.

The loss of some of my photographs is killer. It is painful! Each night I spend several hours trying to recover what I know is lost. I may be able to send the drive out, spend a grand or more and have most if not all of my photos returned to me but at this point spending a grand on that is NOT financially possible.

So I suffer with the loss. Maybe it is worth a grand for me to NOT suffer.

I think the suffering actually made me ill. I seriously believe it.

So, onward and upwards.

I bought myself a terabyte of network storage. Uploaded my music and pictures to it ... the ones I have managed to salvage and I am healing slowly.

I still have to find a backup solution for the stuff I have been able to save.

How are all of you saving your digital photos? Do you burn DVD's and put them in the fire-safe? Do you save someplace online? I need advise folks so I'm asking the best of the best ... the mommies that would hate to be in my shoes lately.

If you haven't thought of a backup strategy - BE WARNED! DO IT NOW!

It's good to be back.

test

2009-09-27T23:54:00.001-04:00

test

Nitey-nite and Kisses

2009-07-28T17:05:00.003-04:00

Mr.T reads to the girls most every night.

It is his job.

It is his thing.

Sometimes I try to take away reading time as a punishment when they act up before bedtime but Mr.T insists that this is a part of their development - they both know how to read and they enjoy reading ...

It's more than that to him.

It's his time; his girly time ... when he has them all to himself; when he has their full attention.

After story time, that always seems to last too long...I arrive on the scene to tuck them in and kiss their lovely heads.

My WildChild (who is not so wild lately) has requested that I sing her a song nearly every night. This is after story time, after the lights are out, after both girlys are snuggled into their beds (they sleep in the same room in bunk beds).

I do not have a large selection of lullabies and I believe I mentioned this before (so excuse me if I am repeating myself).

I sing Silent Night, Close to You (Carpenters), You Are My Sunshine and sometimes Evergreen (Barbara Streisand).

I'm thinking about adding Hoobastank's "The Reason" to my repertoire.

I'm printing the lyrics and I will sing it to her tonight, to see if she wants me to sing it again to her.

She asked me to record my songs for her; so she will have them forever.

My voice is awful. I'm out of tune; and my pitch is awful ... my voice cracks ... but she enjoys my singing for some ungodly reason.

After I am done singing to my WildChild, I stand up and pet the ShowStoppers head, kiss her and tell her that she too is my Sunshine and I love her tons. She smiles and pets my face and kisses me goodnight. The ShowStopper never asks me to sing to her but I know that she listens. I know that she aches for it too but never asks me to sing her a song. Tonight I shall sing to each one of my girlys, individually.

The lyrics to "The Reason"

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

The adjectives are coming, I already have a few right off the top of my head:

Stubborn
Headstrong
Determined
Flirtatious
Friendly
Ambitious

Yes ... I am still here

2009-07-21T16:12:00.002-04:00

I am a ghost of a blogger these days. I am unable to form full sentences, I can only string together pieces of sentences; ideas ... images.

No real thinking going on here. My mind is in summer mode.

So last night I took the puppy dog for a long walk in the rain.

We've been going on some long walks lately. Trying to get to 5 miles. I'm close very close. 5 miles 2ce a day will be difficult, more likely on weekends, for now.

Last night I could have done 5, but settled on 4 because of the rain. By the time I arrived home after 4 miles in the rain I was pretty much a drown rat. I kid you not.

While I walked, I thought ...

The brain was thinking of snippets of things ... of course. No real thoughts. Only whispers of thought. Images. Lots of images. Wonderful, scary, exciting images.

It occurred to me, during my walk that women are the true thinkers of the species ... but we surround our thoughts with images and flowery language, in an attempt to have our thoughts more lovely and wonderful.

Then I thought about how women have a much greater handle on the English language. A woman could use at least 20 adjectives, pick them right off the top of her head to describe walking in the rain

...walking in the summer rain
...walking the husky dog on a rainy summer evening

cold
cool
refreshing
annoying
cleanly
makes everything sparkle
little droplets
trickling
clammy
dank
soaking
sodden
soggy
swishy
watery
wet
liberating

...and if I were an itty bitty shrunken person, I would be able to walk from here to there without a single droplet falling upon my head...but ohhhhh, if a single droplet should land on one so small, that would be the end of poor little me.

Then I thought about the audiobook I picked up from the library....

a book about seduction ... yeah, should be interesting, huh? HA! It just may be interesting if it were not so horribly written. grrrrr. Awful books piss me off.

Stupid women authors. We are the superior species, but damn it, some of us just should NOT write. I can't read most women authors ... they say things like ... "The adults were chagrin that she was far more adept at play..." and "They bantered jovially as they strove the sidewalk" BANTERED JOVIALLY? Who speaks like that ... damn that is awful stuff.

I just hope I'm not one of those type of women writers. ... but I'm not a writer so I guess I am safe.

Thought about my girl. My little one ... so sweet this week, so very well behaved

The oldest ... driving me insane with her smart mouth. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

A car drove by me and pulled over suddenly and 3 young men got out of the car. I could smell them from across the street. They smelled very young with entirely too much cologne. They were very young and hardly concerned about the husky girl and a drown rat ... but I imagined going over there and talking to them. What would I say? What would they say ... something about "git outta my way you drown rat"... I laughed when I thought of this but by now the boys were nearing their destination and as my mind wandered onto other things I heard some young girls screaming at their new guests. I assume it was a young persons party. Parents away on vacation, hmmmm? The screaming was the excited silly girl scream. My teeth rattled inside of my head. Oh, you silly young girls. Please do not scream like that - young men seriously do not appreciate such things. I wonder if I ever screamed like that?

Ewwww, disgusting thought. I do not believe my voice has ever been able to reach the pitch of those girls. Seriously, even now thinking about it rattles my brain. [shivers] Like nails scraping a blackboard. [shivers more].

I don't believe they still have blackboard in classrooms these days. I used to hate using chalk. I still can't pick up the stuff, makes me shiver. Yuck!

Can you write 20, 30, 50 adjectives to describe yourself. Would others agree with your choices?

Hmmmmmmm, next post (maybe).

A Forth of July Wedding

2009-07-05T22:36:00.004-04:00

Mr.T's brother just got married.

Mr. T and the lucky groom.

A very happy man.

A lovely flower girl that LOVED to pose for the camera.

Mr.T's sister.

Mr.T's sister again.

The lovely bride and her prideful father.

A lovely and very happy bride.

Silence

2009-07-04T11:09:00.002-04:00

I've been silent for too long.

I know this.

When one is silent, what is really going on?

I assure you I haven't forgotten.

I assure you I think about you often.

I've quit other things so I believe I'm can fit this in again.

I do miss all of you.

Especially reading about your misadventures in this glorious life.

Have a wonderful 4th all.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr, I have a wedding to go to tonight but I would rather go to the family party that will happen without me.

Perspective

2009-06-28T22:12:00.004-04:00

I've been off-center for several days now.

My heart was heavy.

Like I lost a good friend.

On the verge of tears, my eyes filled with salty water until they leaked at the corners only a few times.

Then I took these wonderful pictures of my lovelies and all is right with the world again. There is a smile in my heart, love fills my entire being.

They enjoyed modeling the new hats I bought for them; WildChild has an iCarly hat and my ShowStopper is stunning in her Jonas Brothers hat (JB for short). I also bought them a tees, Wizards of Waverly Place and an iCarly and two Wizards of Waverly Place purses. They were styling today at church.

I am entirely filled to the brim.

HAPPPPPPY BRFTHDAY!

2009-06-25T13:51:00.003-04:00

My ShowStopper is 8 today, she was born at 3:27am.

The thing she is most happy about on her 8th birthday, is that it brings her that much closer to being a pre-teen.

God, help me.

Please please someone save me from teenage girlys!

(I will take a picture today ... forgot this am? bad mommy. bad)

This cake was DELECTABLE, although I didn't partake (MUCH). I'm trying to loose some poundage before the big disney trip. So anyways, she wanted (insisted) on chocolate cake, chocolate icing so I went to Whole Foods and picked up a Chocolate Delight which consists of chocolate cake, chocolate mousse filling topped with vanilla buttercream icing then topped with a chocolate ganache ... oh it was yummy (the itty bitty teeny tiny sliver I had of it).

She is my tomboy...sorta.

She was playing hockey with the boys while the girly girls were playing with dolls; then we all took a dip in the pool.

All of the neighbor kids came over and went into the pool for about an hour or so - there was about 10 or so kids in the pool.

As she went to bed my ShowStopper hugged and kissed me for a perfect day, she said it was the best day she ever had.

She is so precious and wonderful.

I love you ShowStopper.

Sweetest Agony

2009-06-23T10:22:00.003-04:00

It probably isn't much of a surprise to you but my WildChild is a constant source of suffering for me.

She is a wonderful precious dainty sweet loving gorgeous little girl that is all the more stubborn. She is more stubborn than she is beautiful. It is the truth. It is what makes me worry and cry and stress most of all.

These last few weeks, since the end of school we have been crazy insane busy. Running here, there and everywhere. Busy. Busy. Busy. I love spending time with my girlys.

I know I don't talk much about my ShowStopper and it is not because I don't think about her, it is because I do not worry about her. Oh, I still worry when she is hurt or sick or when her mind is not at ease but things things do not happen to her very often. She is a strong minded, smart, hardworking, caring, loving, compassionate girl. Her mind is as strong as her heart, she does what she is told to do without much problem. She accepts her punishment and she is apologetic if/when she does something she is not supposed to do; she is an easy child to love and shower with kisses.

My WildChild ... well ... she is polar opposites to her sister. She is sick or bruised more often. She is clumsy and falls walking up steps. She is stubborn as a mule and impassable at times; she doesn't do what she is told to do most times and she doesn't accept her punishment EVER. She is bright, so bright that she believes herself to know what is best for her and doesn't believe she needs her parents to guide her in any way.

But there is a deep suffering side to her. She hides from pain. She struggles in her own mind, she suffers alone. She holds things inside, until it gets to be too much and explodes with anger, fear, worry and tears. She breaks my heart constantly.

This summer has been a difficult one for us so far. My WildChild has a significant bruise on her arm and leg from a scooter accident; her arm will scar; her arm was infected. It is still very nasty to look upon and the arm bruise still is quite sensitive and sometimes cracks open and starts to bleed again. Then yesterday blisters appeared on her hand. I thought she had a steam burn from something in the microwave but that was not the problem. For as I worked yesterday more and more blisters appeared and a few grew on the ShowStopper. It is something poison, ivy, sumac, oak ... take your pick for I'm not sure. My little WildChild has several very large blisters on her left hand. SEVERAL ... LARGE ... water filled BLISTERS. There is also a very large blister above her right eye and some scratches on her forehead. She screams and cries and yells at us when we attempt to medicate the blisters. Twice yesterday I had to physically restrain her so I could medicate her. I had to force anti-histamine down her throat she was in such a panic.

It is exhausting work.

I practically fell to my bed in a state of pure exhaustion.

She is my sensitive, clumsy, needy one. She is my heartache and my sadness. She is also my joy, she understands me like no one else ever could. She is my snuggle bunny. If I am sitting down chances are that my WildChild will fall into my lap for attention and kisses.

When she is in pain, it hurts me to be away from her, yet she is suffering and I am at work.

Tornado Strikes in the Burgh

2009-06-05T13:23:00.005-04:00

You all know that I'm kinda stressing.

Yeah, I'm still doing that.

It is in my very nature to worry. Worry exists in every cell of my body. There is no escaping it. I worry about things I cannot control because I can not control them. I'm doomed. I know it.

When I'm stressing, I become the biggest tornado the world has ever known.

I first came to this realization in college. I began to notice my behavior became erratic around mid-terms and finals. It wasn't just the added caffeine ... oh no ... it was stress. {You now hear the sound of the forboding bom bom bommmmmmmmmm}

I can't tell you how many notebooks I lost the week of the exam. The notebooks that CONTAINED the notes I needed to study for the up and coming exam. Gone. Misplaced. Never to be seen or heard from again. Forever and ever...gone.

I've already told you about my 'Map of the United States' where my buddy would put marks on the places I lost or left things ... when I worked the most stressful job EVER!

when stressed: I am forgetful and absent minded.

when stressed: I am easily angered and pissed off.

when stressed: I am fidgitty and nervous.

when stressed: I can't sit still.

when stressed: I am irresponsible and clumsy.

Just this week:

I have more black and blue marks over my body, due to what? I have no idea. Tripping. Falling. Bumping. Whatever.

I've been dragging the girls around every place just to stay away from the house.

Dishes are piling up.
Laundry is piling up.
I was suppossed to pay my bills on the 1st of the month and still haven't done them as of yet ... at least ONE of them is late ... UGH!

And the biggie {MORE of forboding BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMMM, only LOUDER this time}

I lost my Blackberry last night.

FREAKING LOST IT!

It fell out of my pocket while at the Zoo.
Someone has it, I just know it.
I realized it was gone not more than 20 minutes after knowing I had it.

SHIT!

It's password protected so they can't get anything from it, or access it in anyway, or even use it (it's on the lost/stolen list) and if they attempt more than 10 passwords the devise will automatically disable.

Still pisses me off to no end.

A replacement is already in the works, but..
Shit. Damn. Hell.
Shit. Damn. Freaking Hell.
Damn. Hell. Shit. Damn.

"That's all I have to say about that."

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttt!

Freakin Out

2009-05-29T09:13:00.003-04:00

Remember when I told you 6 months ago, that I needed to have another mammogram in 6 months because they found densities...

Yeah, my appointment is scheduled for the 9th.

I'm freakin' out.

Instead of another mammogram that needs a significant amount of cancer cells to detect cancer - I scheduled a Thermogram.

Breast Thermography can detect if your breats have the potential of developing cancer.

So I should know for sure if the densities are cancerous and/or potentially cancerous.

Yay!

Maybe I should just do the mammogram and live in peaceful unknowing for another 6 months/year/2 years/5 years...

I just do not know what I would do if I had to have them cut off.

Maybe that is vain but it's freakin' me out.

It's easier to talk here than it is with actual people, face to face and stuff.

Maybe I've been reacting to things a bit differently lately because I'm freakin' out. Maybe.

Have I mentioned that I'm seriously freakin' out?

Yeah, I'm freakin' out.

Celebrations ... and all sorts of garbage

2009-05-28T21:00:00.002-04:00

My ShowStopper had braces put on today.

We went out to celebrate, just us girls.

I didn't take pictures yet. Bad bad bad mommy. I will tomorrow.

My brat husky girl is destroying the fence and walking around the neighborhood. We installed a fence, one of those really ugly chain link type because we really didn't have the money at the time but the brat husky needed it. We bought it for her!

If I leave her in the house she eats my dining room floor and unlocks the sliding glass door and opens it, and hangs outside.

Fine.

Now when I leave for work I leave her outside. She used to like this plan, until a couple of weeks ago. She tore the fencing off of the gate and walked around the neighborhood while we were at work.

Mr.T spent many hours repairing the gate and reinforcing all of the connections.

Yesterday she ripped the gate off of it's hinge and walked around the neighborhood.

My neighbors are wonderful, they put her back in the yard for me but with the gate off of it's hinges she just walked out again.

I'm at a loss.

Anyone want a brat husky girl? I'm giving her away for FREE! Grrrrrrr.

Wow, when you take a break from blogging

2009-05-26T14:32:00.006-04:00

It's very difficult to get back into the swing of things.

I will say, that I only wrote about 6 posts in my head these last few days.

I wanted to tell you all about my WildChild and how she now refers to Mr.T by his first, middle and last name - in this tone that would knock you over with laughter. She just loves to tease him, and he lets her. She destroys that poor man.

The other day she painted his finger nails and toe nails. As soon as she was in bed he removed the fingernail polish but left on the toenail stuff so NOT to hurt her feelings. I told him, she won't care...she most likely forgot about it anyway (but her brain is a steal trap - nothing is ever forgotten).

Yesterday Mr.T wondered why everyone seemed to look at him while we were having fun at Idlewild's Soak Zone (you know, he was only wearing his swim trunks and POLISHED TOENAILS).

Then I wanted to tell you all about our trip to the movies to see Night at the Museum part II. The girlys were so snuggly and wonderful. The previews made us all laugh out load. Good times.

I also wanted to mention that I kinda like dragging the neighborhood kids around with us, the girlys love it and it allows me to enjoy them more. They look to their friends to provide entertainment and I am able to enjoy blissfully watching them have fun. I like to participate as well, but sometimes I like watching them.

Then there was the trip to the bookstore this weekend. We all just drool as we approach a Barnes and Noble bookstore. We can't help but go in and feast our eyes on all of the magnificent goodies inside. My WildChild heads over to the children's section and usually begs me to buy her for 3-4 Junie B. Jones and/or Magic Treehouse chapter books. I always tell her she can get one book. We stop here often, no need for more than one at a time. We have a tremendous library already at home, plus we regularly stop by our local Carnegie Library and they bring home a book a week from their schools library. We do not have a lack of books to read. The ShowStopper always picks out a game for us. She loves games, she loves books too, but she loves to spend time with the family playing board games. I always let her buy a game. One game. This time we bought 'Camp'.

Then I wanted to tell you all about our trip to Idlewild Park for Memorial Day and how it was such a part of my childhood. I loved Storybook Forest. One of my earliest childhood memories was at Idlewild Park, there was a huge family picnic (even though my family was NOT huge) and I had a terrible asthma attack and had to be rushed to Children's Hospital. The 'biological' father took me while my mother stayed at the park (I believe my uncle was in from out of town and she wanted to hang out with him for awhile). I remember coming home from the hospital, exhausted and full of all kinds of steroids and injections of all sorts. I remember my mother was waiting for me to come home, she carted me off to bed and my dearest mother pet my head until I fell asleep.

This trip to Idlewild Park, my girlys didn't want to go to Storybook Forest. Mr.T and I were both disappointed but we understood. They grow up so fast. They think that Storybook Forest is for babies. Sigh. This was the very first time we didn't even bother with Raccoon Lagoon (the little kiddies rides).

And lastly I wanted to tell you about how I refer to the girlys as girlys when I write about them but when we are out and about I refer to them as my 'ladies'. Ladies, let's get moving or Ladies, if you do not decide which flavor of ice cream we buy, I will do it. So why the difference? I do not know. Honestly. I shall have to think about it more.

But all of that just sounds so blah ... no pizazz.

Instead of telling you about all of that junk, I have decided to just post of some pictures of my girlys and their friends at Idlewild Park.

And for those of you that live close to the Burgh, do NOT go to Idlewild without your Pepsi product, or buy tickets at your local Giant Eagle, save $5-$6 per admission - the 6 of us costs over $170. Sheesh!

(Great photo opportunity, playing in the balls!)

Enter 'THE SOAK ZONE'

The Conductors part 1

2009-05-24T21:10:00.001-04:00

One of my twitter pals directed this documentary.

WOW!

Even though it's not in English you can see the beauty and remarkable power of this phenomena

Entirely TOO DIZZY Part II

2009-05-20T09:00:00.004-04:00

It's Saturday night and I'm hanging out with a bunch of fellow college grads...

Some of my very favorite people are there.

I think there were close to 100 people in town for the reunion (that really wasn't a reunion).

20 YEARS.

I haven't seen most of those people for 20 years.

They all looked the same, but different.

I met some new people I didn't know then.

I drank entirely too much.

I think I actually transported myself back in time and I was 20 years old again.

He was there.

You know the one.

Seeing him brought back all of that dizzy because some of my dizziness is caused by those free radical thoughts that bounce around in my brain due to the fact that they are not labeled and sorted in neat little boxes (I wrote about this here). And He could never be categorized and labeled. There are no labels. There could never be labels. It never officially started so it never officially ended and it therefore never officially existed. No labels for that....no box. Those free radical thoughts were dormant for so long but now, after a few drinks and being transported back to 1989 they were free and radical and bouncing once again.

Today (Tuesday) those damn free radicals are still causing dizziness.

I need to scoop them up, and shove them down deep where they can't bounce around anymore or I have to find a box and a label to hold them. I hate labeling things 'MISC'. Anything labeled miscellaneous is surely doomed to insignificance and obscurity. And boxes labeled 'MISC' must be plain and unassuming but somehow that just doesn't feel right. Not at all. Not for him. I have to pick a box. I have to pick a label and I must put all of these free radical thoughts away. I have to rid myself of this dizzy feeling once and for all.

The hangover didn't help with the dizzy stuff, I realize.

I told him that I was hoping he would be fat and bald.
He was neither.
Damn him to hell.

I mean that in the nicest complementary way possible. I DO! I really do!

Me, before the non-reunion, reunion.

This is me DRUNK.