I’ve had one of those weeks where my ‘What I Learned This Week’ post will pretty much write itself.

And it’s a doozy.

I’ll give you a hint about this week’s lessons.

A metal bench, pink hand-cuffs, and leg shackle hooks on the floor.

Any guesses?

=We toured the Sheriff’s Department this evening. That means that I was in my correctional element. Apparently when handcuffs are painted bright pink, street officers don’t ‘forget’ and remove them.

-Fingerprints are now done electronically.

That was not the case when I worked in jail.

-Young boys are very attentive when they are listening to the booking process.

Don’t you just love the new police glasses?

We started our tour in a training room, where one of the scout dads (who is also a detective) gave us a briefing about the general purpose of the Sheriff’s Department.

Then, a K9 officer came in and talked to the boys about his K9 dog, Scout and what it takes to train a K9 dog.

-The dogs are trained in a foreign language. In Scout’s case, German.

This is a training trap.

It contains three wash cloths that have been saturated with drugs.

Scout responds to a command when the K9 officer tells him to find the ‘birdie’.

Scout is also trained to bark upon hearing the officer announce his presence at a home by saying, “K. County Sheriff’s Department”.

-A good K9 trainer trains his dog everyday.

Scout lives with his K9 trainer.

-Scout ALWAYS wins (and gets the birdie) when he is training to insure he never gets bored of playing/training.

-Upon getting a “hit” the drug officer holds the K9 back from actually “getting” the drugs, or else he could ingest some of them and possibly overdose.

When wearing the “bite suit” K9 officers allow other K9 dogs to “bite” them. They never allow their own dogs to practice on them.

K9 dogs are trained to respond to each of the different drugs, starting with marijuana and surprisingly (to me, at least!) they are even trained to find prescription drugs, such as oxycodone.

-Scout works every middle school and high school in our county quarterly. (Shew! That’s a bunch!)

-When a litter of possible K9 dogs are born, a “birdie” is thrown into the mix and the dog who grabs it first and holds on to it, is considered to be a good candidate for K9 training.

K9 trainers play tug-of-war with the ‘birdies’ to encourage possessiveness with the dogs.

Being in the Sheriff’s Department will give this ol’ girl the itch to be right back in the mix.  

Here, the kids try on the ‘bite suit’.

That’s what I learned this week. What did YOU learn?

These boys….

• both have an extra baby tooth in the exact same place.
• were both far-sighted in their left eye.
• whine when its time to put laundry up.
• are best buds.
• love to play with Legos.
• can string toothpaste all over the bathroom quicker than any two kids I’ve ever met.
• fight with light sabers daily.
• had/have the same Kindergarten teacher.
• hate making their beds.
• can wear the same jeans.
• are not fans of peas.
• love talking about bodily functions.
• aggravate the snot out of me asking to play DS’s, Wii, and watching television.
• have a 8:30 bedtime
• were both saved when they were six years old.
• are different as night and day.
• never complain about homework.
• would eat pancakes everyday.
• can melt my heart in a hot second.
• can aggravate the daylights out of me in a hot second.
• are the absolute JOY of my life.

If you know me in real life, you know that I have really strong opinions about most things.

And that’s putting it mildly.

That also translates into there’s a whole lotta crazy up in here.

1. I am currently listening to McDaddy sawing something in the wreck-room basement. He and my dad are working on what will eventually be my our new mudroom. When McDaddy ripped the carpet up in there over the weekend, he discovered a water leak within the walls and traced its origin to the upstairs bathroom.

SO.

Unfortunately, that means McDaddy has quite a bit of work to do before he can even begin the work that we had planned. I am thankful that he is pretty handy around the house, AND that he can consult with MyDaddy on things he is unsure about.

2. I am enjoying the American Idol auditions and in my humble opinion, JLo and Steven Tyler fit right in at the judges’ table. The feathers in Steven Tyler’s hair though? Not a great addition. In fact, they make him look like a goon.

Like I said, strong opinions.

2b. If I were a star of any kind, I think my name would be JMac.

3. I received a call from my medical Doctor yesterday. My heart is healthy. Thank you, Jesus! (And thanks to all of you who inquired about my condition. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.)

4. If you love Words With Friends, you should get Scramble With Friends.

5. While talking about relaxing your colon on The Doctors, Dr. Travis Stork actually said the words, “while sitting on the pot” yesterday.

Not sure why I felt compelled to share that.

6. I haven’t mentioned Lulu lately. At this very minute she is going to town on her wheel. And it squeaks.

7. It was 62 degrees today. In February. In West Virginia.

8. It aggravates me that people are so quick to jump on the buzzword bandwagon and use words like epic, and ’nuff said’, and ‘that awkward moment’. Seriously people. Epic? Nothing is really epic. Is it? Unless you are a ridiculously long poem.

8b. Buzzword bandwagon. That’s fun.

9. I recently added some Lynyrd Skynyrd to my iPod. I never realized how difficult it was to spell Lynyrd Skynyrd until deciding to mention it in this post.

10. I had a number of title options for this post,

• Relaxing Your Colon (ha!)
• The Buzzword Bandwagon
• Epic Proportions
• Feeling Compelled
• Strong Opinions
• The Squeaky Wheel

but felt like ‘A whole lotta crazy up in here’ wrapped it all up in a nice, neat package.

Have a great weekend, y’all!

This week’s You Capture challenge is still life.

I decided to shoot my favorite things in the whole wide world.

Besides McDaddy and my boys, of course.

This is the ring that McDaddy placed on my finger when we stood in front of 200 friends and family and vowed to love each other for better or for worse, till death do us part on May 23, 1998.

And this is the ring I slipped on my finger after convincing McDaddy that our love was bigger, brighter, and stronger after deployment.

I love my wedding rings more than any other possession I have.

And here are my rings hanging out with their friends on my dresser.

I actually spent quite a bit of time playing around with the settings this week. It is really tough to focus on shiny diamonds.

But I had fun trying.

And I can’t help but think how much better these diamonds would look wrapped around this steering wheel.

 Y’all knew that was coming, didn’t ya?

Yeah, I thought so.

Happy Thursday!

Last year, I created some great Valentine cards for the boys. I have never been a huge fan of the little character Valentines because the boys end up ripping half of them just trying to get them separated. So when I saw several versions of these cute homemade Valentines in Blogville, I decided to give it a shot even though I don’t consider myself to be an artsy type.

They were such a huge hit with children and parents alike, I am planning to do a similar one this year, but will use pencils or mini-snickers in place of the suckers. I’ll have to get approval from Stevie before I decide because at nine years old, things need to be cool, and not cute.

These Valentines are super easy. If they weren’t, I wouldn’t have done them.

Step 1:

Take a picture of your child against a solid background holding their hand out in front of them (for depth) or above their head [in a fist] depending on where you want the sucker to be. I wanted mine to hang off of the picture, so my boys held their hands up above their head.

It is purely by accident that they are wearing matching shirts. A fact that would probably bother Stevie this year.

Step 2:

Upload the pictures to Photobucket (or Photoshop if you’re lucky enough to have it) and use the edit feature to add a custom message on them.

In this case, I wrote “Happy Valentine’s Day! From: Stevie (or) Alex” in red.

I could have gotten all fancy and taken screen shots of this step, but instead, I didn’t.

Step 3:

This step is VERY important.

Upload the pictures to A REPUTABLE PLACE that you trust.

I first sent the order to Rite Aid because there is a Rite Aid at the end of our street that offers one-hour processing service. When I arrived at the store to pick up, I was told that the order was never received because they were having trouble with their web-site, AND the in-store printer.

SO. I went back home and then sent the order to Walgreens because it happens to be the next closest place to my house that has in-store picture printing. When I arrived to pick up, I was thrilled to find out that they were ready. I pulled the stack of prints out of the envelope to discover that half of the top line of writing was cut off.

I might have rolled my eyes as I mustered up the strength to keep from losing my witness right in the middle of The Walgreens. I gathered my composure before I very politely asked (in a roundabout way of course) what normal person would pull these beautiful, creative Valentines off of the processing machine and think to themselves that they would be acceptable seeing as how the top half of the text missing from Stevie’s set?

Hallelujah and Amen. 

I just don’t get it.

The young gal behind the counter told me that the uploader on the web-site always trims a small border from the print and that there was nothing she could do about it, now would this be cash or charge?

UMM. That would be a big  fat you’re out of your mind, may I speak with a manager, please?

Upon seeing the jacked-up prints the manager agreed that the technician should have noticed that something was awry and adjusted the print accordingly on her machine. He then asked her to reprint the set.

Young technician girl (bless her heart) looked at me dumbfounded as if he had asked her to re-tar the roof.

SO. As my blood pressure was returning to an acceptable level, I wasted time in the store so that young technician girl could reprint the set.

Moving on.

Step 4:

Use an X-acto knife (or if you are a red-neck crafter like me, a box-cutter) to cut a [very small] triangle (I found that a triangle works better than a hole) at the top and bottom of the fist.

This was one of the very first ones I did (when I cut a small hole in the top and the bottom) only to find out that the sucker stick was too big for the hole that I cut. The good news is that the sucker stick will hide most of the mess that you see here.

Step 5:

Insert the sucker through the top and down through the bottom. Use a piece of tape to secure the sucker so that it won’t fall out.

Step 6:

Prepare to be admired by the other moms who are secretly making a barf face behind your back.

[NOTE: I tried different sizes of suckers. Regardless of the sucker you use, the pictures will bend slightly. I never figured out a way for them to lay straight.]

These cute homemade Valentines work for me!

I absolutely love Pinterest. It has slowly become my go-to site when researching something, or planning a project, or needing a  gift idea. I waste spend lots of time pinning stuff.

There are so many great ideas, recipes, signs, and decorating tips, I wouldn’t even know how to begin describing how great the site is. I don’t care who you are, you WILL find something on there that makes you say “Why didn’t I think of that?” or “What a great idea that is!” On more than one occasion, I felt the overwhelming urge to bust out the glue gun. Only instead of getting my glue gun out, I didn’t. 

But I do plenty of daydreaming. And I get inspired. And crazy as this sounds, last week, I got all excited about a cooking tip.

If you know me in real life, you know that I am not known in my social circles for culinary expertise. Rather, I am known for being the loudest friend most of my friends have.

A fact that I take great pride in.

Somebody’s gotta be the loud one, right?

ANYway.

I found a great cooking tip on Pinterest and I know that it works because I tried it.

When cooking something on your stove top that can boil over, you know, because you are talking on the phone to Becky, or going over homework, or hung up on the Facebook, place a wooden spoon on the pot.

The wooden spoon will keep the pot from boiling over.

You. Are. Welcome.

That’s what I learned this week.

Now, what did YOU learn?

For the long drawn-out version of how to link up, go here.

This post is linked to WFMW.

I spent most of the day onThursday having a stress test to check out the bundle branch block that I have on the right side of my heart.

Wow. How’s that for an opening sentence?

I strive for my blog to be a place where readers can come and find answers to their most pressing questions, so if the question pressing you today is, “What happens during a cardiac stress test?” well then, might I say, you have come to the right place.

9:38 AM – Arrive at Cardiologist’s office for 9:40 AM appointment eager to get it over with. (Remember, I’ve been on a “no caffeine” order for the past 48-hours.

10:02 AM – Look around, determine I am the youngest person in the waiting room by decades.

10:03 AM – Ponder in my head how long I might be there after reading the two HUGE signs on the wall that say, “We treat sick people. For that reason we often run minutes, even hours behind. If this is a problem, please let us know and we will be glad to refer you to another cardiologist.”

10:12 AM – Nurse enters room to insert an IV line. Decides the top of my right hand is the best option. Cringe as she shoves the thing into my skin.

10:14 AM – Nurse injects saline into IV lead to verify that yes, yes indeed, the vein did roll.

10:16 AM – Call McDaddy to whine about the hole in my hand.

10:21 AM – Second nurse enters to try her hand (ha!) at inserting the IV lead into my left hand. Veins are not visible, so nurse begins to smack the top of my left hand repeatedly.

10:30 AM – Second nurse returns with a warm compress in an attempt to coerce a vein to the surface.

10:45 AM – Text McDaddy to let him know of the IV difficulty. Hoping for moral support and sympathy.

11:12 AM – Second nurse removes warm compress to discover the vein is still not visible. Nurse asks how much water I’ve had today.

11:13 AM – Quickly consider smacking second nurse because I was told to fast as of midnight the night before. Slowly explain I was told to fast after midnight.

11:14 AM – Find out that I *could* have drank water when nurse says something like, “Well, we tell you NOT to drink water, but if you drink some, it helps with getting the line in.”

11:15 AM – Second nurse decides to go for it, after asking me to make a tight fist and hold the grip, while she repeatedly smacks the top of my left hand 1,718 times.

11:16 AM – Second nurse jams a needle deep into my vein and begins working it left, then right in an attempt to “get it in good”.

11:17 AM – Second nurse injects saline into the lead to discover that yes, yes indeed, the insertion is successful. Second nurse puts 17 pieces of tape on the lead for protection because apparently my veins are a hot mess.

11:20 AM – Take picture of IV lead and text to my friend, Missy. (What else is there to do?)

11:21 AM – Text McDaddy to let him know the IV is in.

11:32 AM – Third nurse enters exam room and applies 12 leads to chest, side, and hip areas. A fancy black box is fastened and strapped around my waist and I am instructed to sit. AND WAIT.

11:41 AM – Entertain myself by scratching the top lead and watching the heart monitor dance.

11:50 AM – Cardiologist enters the room, puts me on the treadmill. I begin walking slowly while answering his questions.

11:53 AM – Cardiologist kicks it up a notch, asks me if I have another minute in me.

11:54 AM – Walk slowly and steadily while answering the Doc’s questions. And YES, I have all kinds of minutes left in me.

11:56 AM – Cardiologist kicks it up another notch. Third nurse injects cardiolite isotope. Walk faster. Wipe sweat.

11:59 AM – Third nurse stops treadmill, tells me to sit and rest while she watches the heart monitor probably to make sure I don’t pass the heck out in the floor.

12:00 PM - Briefly consider showing her how I can make the machine dance.

12:10 PM – Escorted to waiting room TO WAIT.

12:11 PM – Enjoy huge cup of cold water. FINALLY.

12:15 PM – Taken to exam room, told to lay flat on my back on a hard table so that a tech can take images of my heart. Close my eyes and thank the good Lord that I am not claustrophobic as the machine rolls around my chest.

12:45 PM – Released and told that I can have a “light” lunch. Instructed to NOT drink any caffeine, and be back in two hours.

12:46 PM – Calculate in my head that it has now been 51 hours since my last drop of caffeine.

12:48 PM – Leave voicemail message for McDaddy letting him know I have been paroled for lunch.

12:51 PM – Leave another voicemail message for McDaddy letting him know he has approximately 5 minutes before I leave and get lunch on my own. (Remember, it has now been 14 hours since I’ve eaten.)

12:55 PM – Enjoy a nice “light” lunch of potato soup and salad at Shoneys with McDaddy.

1:35 PM – Decide to sit in my car after McDaddy drops me back at the hospital. Use the hour to catch up on Facebook and Words With Friends.

2:45 PM – Return to office ready to get this show on the road.

3:10 PM – Third nurse injects second batch of cardiolite, then escorts me to waiting room TO WAIT.

3:20 PM – My name is called. I return to freezing room to lay flat and still on the hard table so that resting images can be taken.

3:34 PM – Big machine beeps signalling second set of images are complete. I am escorted to waiting room AGAIN.

4:22 PM – Text McDaddy to tell him I am the VERY LAST patient sitting in waiting room and that I am STILL WAITING on Echocardiogram.

4:35 PM – I approach and open the door to the exam rooms to inquire about using the restroom, hoping this will remind the nurses that I AM STILL WAITING.

4:45 PM – Finally, my name is called. I am taken to a different exam room and instructed to remove my shirt and bra and put on a thin paper gown.

4:50 PM – Ultrasound tech returns to room and spends the next 10 minutes taking pictures of my ticker.

5:05 PM – Text McDaddy to tell him I am all done.

5:08 PM – Fish quarters out of my wallet.

5:10 PM – Approach soda machine like a drug fiend looking for her next fix. Utter the words hello lover.

5:12 PM – Text Missy a picture of my Dr. Pepper. (I know. I’m a dork!)

5:13 PM – Enjoy the ride home while I sip on my beloved ice cold Dr. Pepper.

5:31 PM – Arrive at home, happy to be reunited with my fellas. And my caffeine.

I spent 7.5 hours in a Cardiologist’s office today.

I am spent.

Which makes no sense because I spent 94% of that time waiting.

The worst part is that I won’t know any results for several days.

I’ll devote a whole post to my Stress Test experience later, but today, I thought I’d write a few letters to crazy people.

——

Dear Bully-Kid in the Chick-Fil-A play place:

You should thank your lucky stars that my sweet boy didn’t unload on you. Bullies like you eventually end up in jail. Trust me, I should know. Oh, and when you get there, you’ll find out there is always someone meaner and bigger than you.

Signed,

Alex’s mommy (aka: A ‘retired’ inmate counselor who spent many an hour talking to young punks who should have been taught better)

—–

Dear Bully-Kid’s Mama,

I understand that kids will be kids, HOWEVER, when you said nothing to your bully brat when he was shoving my sweet boy, I thought maybe you just didn’t see what happened. But when you entered the playpark and your bully brat admitted to punching my son repeatedly, you said NOTHING to my sweet boy or me by way of an apology. You need to get control of your kid.

Sincerely,

A MAD MAMA

—–

Dear  Caffeine,

Fifty-four hours is a LONG time to be without you. My life just wasn’t conplete without you. I’m glad you’re back in my arms hands.

Love,

Your biggest fan

—–

Dear Facebook Friend Who Complains About Something Every Single Day,

If it weren’t for my nosy tendencies, I would’ve hidden your statuses a long time ago. With that being said, PLEASE give. it. a. friggin. rest. Oh, and quotation marks are for quoting someone, not for personal rant marks.

Thank you in advance,

A Concerned Facebook Friend

—–

Dear girl in the bathroom,

Look. I don’t usually get involved in people’s business, but its tough not to when you are sitting in the stall next to me talking loudly on your cell phone. Honey, you deserve better than that jerk. Move yourself along and find a man who will treat you right. He IS out there. Don’t waste your time on that crazy cat. Why would you even ask him where he was all night? If he wasn’t in a hospital, does it really matter?

Do yourself a favor and save yourself some heartache,

The girl in the next stall.

—–

Dear Julie,

The next time you make a special trip into town at 6 PM to attend a memorial service, you *might* consider actually looking at the date when you read the obituary. Otherwise, you might show up at the funeral home and be the ONLY person there. You are such a dork.

Pay Attention Crazy Girl,

Your Silly Self

—–

Dear Mr. Mailman,

Yesterday, every piece of mail that we received actually belonged to our neighbor. I can’t help but wonder where our mail ended up. Any ideas?

Pay Attention,

The folks in the brown house

—–

Dear Kohls,

I love y’all. I really do. I consider Kohl’s one of my favorite stores. For that reason, it is NOT necessary to send a daily e-mail reminding me that I can save up to 30% (which by the way I NEVER draw the 30% card) on everything in the store. I always hesitate to provide my e-mail address to retail establishments and this is why.

Enough Already,

A [soon to be not so] loyal patron

—–

Dear ADT Home Security People,

I am NOT interested in your FREE home security system that will cost me $30. per month. How many times do I have to demand to be removed from your calling list before you actually remove me? I’m about to call the Attorney General on you jokers.

Not playing around,

The girl you call every four days

—-

Who would you write to today?

We are having an unusually warm January here in West Virginia (NOT western Virginia), which is absolutely fine with me seeing as how I am not a fan of heavy coats or snow. Or cold.

I am also not a fan of being on a 55-hour “no caffeine order” yet, here I sit. I have a stress test today as a result of the bundle branch blockage and I can’t wait to ‘throw one back’ as soon as the test is done. I am prayerfully hopeful that I will hear good news today about my ticker. Ever since the bundle branch blockage (try saying that three times real fast) was discovered, it has felt like a black cloud hanging over me. That might have something to do with my decision to type “bundle branch blockage” into the Google window, because after reading that mess, I’m quite sure I’ll be needing a pacemaker before all of this is said and done.

But enough about the black cloud and the cold.

Let’s put some color in this conversation, shall we?

This week’s You Capture challenge is colorful.

I absolutely love color. Especially bright colors. If I could choose to be any crayon in the box, I’d be bright pink because that one’s my favorite. I also love orange, lime green and turquoise too!

Even though I hate snow, I adore snowmen. I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to paint one of these at The Pottery Place. [Note: Have you been to The Pottery Place? If you haven't, you should, because it is loads of fun whether you are with your girlfriends or your kids. The only difference is, one requires help with the paint and the brushes and I need more water, and can I try out that pen paint thing and mom can I paint another piece because I'm done and I'm bored, and the other, well? Just laughter and fun.]

And even though we haven’t had much snow this winter, we are expecting lots and lots of rain today, so I’ll be busting this bad boy out when the time comes to get some lunch AND AN ICE COLD DR. PEPPER thankyouverymuch.

And speaking of one of my favorite colors – aren’t these pretty?

Now y’all know I rarely ever post a You Capture post without including one of these bad boys. Obviously, this is an old picture because Saturn took its toys and went home. That makes me very sad because there are few things that excited me more than a CAR LOT PLUM FULL of Saturn Skys.

Color.

It doesn’t get much better than chili pepper red and sunburst yellow.

But don’t tell midnight blue, black onyx, or ruby red that, k?

*sigh*

Happy Thursday y’all!

I don’t consider myself a crafty person. Well, that is unless you count the fact that I scrapbook.

But since I haven’t scrapbooked for well over two years, do I really still qualify as a scrapbooker? I’m thinking that maybe I should say I used to be a scrapbooker. A little over a year ago I set up a fancy new scrapbooking work station in one of our spare bedrooms (which is all I whined about since we moved here ten years ago, well maybe not all I whined about, but you get the idea, right?) and I vowed to scrapbook at least one day a week while the boys were at school.

That idea lasted about four minutes.

I recently jumped on the Pinterest bandwagon, and I’m hopeful that one day I’ll have the time to sit and try all of the great craft ideas I’ve seen on the site. 

You know, sometime before I’m 80 and in a nursing home and at the mercy of one of my daughters-in-law to feed me applesauce.

A few weeks ago, I came across a really cute idea for a fun birthday gift, and thought that maybe I’d try that someday. Not more than two days later, my friend Katheryn mentioned that she was turning forty on Monday.

Oh shoot, the BIG 4 – 0!

I knew I had to do something.

The picture that I originally saw used a small decorative box (which thinking back on it would have been much easier just based on the size of the opening), but I decided to use a coffee mug, mostly because I am a rebel.

With a cause.

I started with a mug, a styrofoam ring, and two bags of suckers.

For this project you will need an X-Acto knife (or if you’re a red-neck like me, you can just bust out the box-cutter), some fancy paper or cardstock, a straw, and some glue.

I suppose this is the point in the post where I should be demonstrating how I turned the mug upside down on the styrofoam and used the box-cutter to trace and cut four rings that I then shoved down into the mug, one on top of the other.

But alas, I took no pictures of that step.

Or the next step where I attempted to shove forty suckers into the styrofoam in some sort of organized fashion. 

Nor did I get a picture of pulling all the suckers out of the styrofoam and starting over.

THREE. TIMES.

After (FINALLY!) placing all of the suckers in a nice round circle, I turned the mug upside down just to see if all of the suckers would stay in place. And much to my surprise, they did! I then cut a piece of the cardstock with fancy scrapbook stickers in the shape of a square, mostly because I suck at cutting nice round circles. Then, I cut another square just a tad smaller and glued the smaller piece onto the larger piece.

Next, I used a silver Sharpie to write ”40 SUCKS!” on the smaller square, but really you could use any of the following phrases,

• Enjoy this cheap gift sucker!
• I’m cheap, sucker! Happy Birthday!
• It sucks to be you cause you’re 32!
• Divorce Sucks! (I know, I know, I couldn’t help myself!)

I then glued the squares onto a straw and shoved the straw into the styrofoam.

Thankfully, I remembered to get a picture of the finished product.

 I love it!

And my friend, Katheryn did too!

This post is linked to WFMW.