From Job-loss to Weight-loss

OK... so i havent drowned...

2011-04-27T15:54:00.000-07:00

So here is the updated info on your favorite fabulous fatty fitness guy. I am still on the wagon. Well, as far as working out goes. I am no longer unemployed!!! But... I am working at Starbucks. I really love the job and co-workers! But the pay is kind of shitty. And by kind of... i mean really shitty. But it is a job and at least I am getting out of the house and earning an honest wage. So... that is that.

I have officially broke the 100 pound mark from my heaviest! I am down over 60 pounds since I started in September. The weight is coming off slowly but surely and I prefer it that way. I eat well and still get hammered from time to time. I just bust my ass to keep the weight loss coming. I could be losing weight faster but I dont want to end up looking like one of the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Here is a reference pic for all my younger fans out there.

I am going to try and update more because for some reason you wanted me to post more. I would like to think that this is because of my wonderful, witty, and humorous musings interspersed with moments of humanity. But I think it has more to do with this:

In any event. Thanks for your support and encouragement. You guys are complete gorgeous huge floppy titties. Tongue kisses to you all. With your help I have now surpassed my goal and way less then...

A day in the mind of a fatty fat swimmer...

2011-01-12T12:01:00.000-08:00

96...96...96...

not too fast...

96... 96... 96...

stretch out your stroke...

96... 95... 95...

well one down...

95 too go...

95... 95... 95... 95... 95... 95... 94... 94... 94... 94... 94...

not too slow...

94... 94... 94... 93... 93... 93... 93... 93... 93... 93... 93... 93... 93... 92...

92... 92... 92...

is there snot coming out of my nose...

92...

yes...

gross...

93...

wait...

oh92... 92... 91... 91... 91... 91... 91... 90...

almost done with the 90's...

ten laps done...

no its not dumb ass you started at 96...

96... 95... 95...

DAMMIT!
89... 89... 89... 89... 89... 89...

please don't ask to share my lane...

please don't don't ask me too...

thank god...

what lap am I on...

ugh...

87... 88...

it can't be 88 im going the wrong way...

I will just say 87...

no that might be cheating the laps and then whats the point...

fine...

89...

ugh...

88...

even though I probably should be at 86...

I better find a boyfriend after all this...

no...

I am doing this for me...

88...

I am such a liar...

88... 88... 88... 88... 88...

I hope you enjoyed this look into the mind of a swimmer. Jealous yet?

Tex Avery effect

2011-01-07T08:50:00.000-08:00

Tex Avery was a cartoon God. I am sure you are familiar with his style. If not here is a video to remind you.

Love him. Anyway, so you know how in cartoons there is that moment were someone is starving and then everything around them starts looking like food? Like, their friend with porcine features turns in to a roast pig with an apple in his mouth? This for real happened to me today. Like, for real for real. Like sho' nuff for real real. I was on lap 867,5309 when I looked at the lifeguard and saw this...

Needless to say, I did a double take. I can think of no better snack than Cheez-Its. They are so delicious, they are banned from my house. I am not joking. When a box is in front of me I look like a squirrel storing nuts for winter. So yummy! I am getting sidetracked. What was actually there upon my second glance was this...

I had always thought that this was a cartoon phenomenon but it happens in real life. Either that or I have dieted myself crazy. Probably the latter.

Body Madoff is just a DOUCHE!!

2011-01-06T12:25:00.000-08:00

A high-yield investment program (HYIP) is a type of Ponzi scheme, which is an investment scam that promises an unsustainably high return on investment by paying previous investors with the money invested by newcomers. - Wikipedia

So I hope that you are all aware of Bernie Madoff. The Ponzi Scheme douche who bilked MILLIONS of dollars from a lot of people. This is a crime. Not because it affects people, but because it effects rich white people. That is a no-no. Never mind the fact that the only job interview offers I have had are from Pyramid Schemes that apparently no one cares about.

I started thinking of my exercise regimen as an investment. I am investing my money ( time ) in the expectation that there will be returns (lose weight). The more "money" I put in, the more I should get in payouts. I then realized that I am not getting any returns. Oh HELL no! That is some Bernie Madoff bullshit right there! Or so I thought...

Turns out, in a Ponzi Scheme, you take the investments from your new clients to pay your returns for your older clients. That is not the case here, as I am seeing very little in returns. So basically, it is just a failed investment. So Bernie Madoff can rot in jail, but Body Madoff is just a douche. Which, unfortunately, is not a crime. In order for it to be a crime, Body Madoff would have to essentially "rob Peter to pay Paul". To which I say...

ROB THAT BITCH! GRAB AN AXE HANDLE AND BEAT HIS FOOL ASS LIKE A PINATA. TURN OUT HIS POCKETS! Shit, make squat down and cough to make sure he doesnt have a roll of pennies hidden in his ASS!

*( Editor's Note: I am still committed to my lifestyle change, I am just stuck at a plateau and am a touch frustrated )

Im afraid I cant do that Dave...

2011-01-04T13:49:00.000-08:00

So this morning I had an e-mail. Not too earth shattering until you consider the source. It was an e-mail from My Fitness Pal. Now, I am not talking about a gym buddy. Or my secret boyfriend at the gym ( he loves me so much, he just doesn't know it yet . It is my fucking Ipod app! I am fully aware that we are living in the 21st century and I guess motivation is always appreciated, but seriously. That is a little too Kubrick for me!

This has to be one of the creepiest things I have ever gotten in my e-mail. And I look at porn on my computer so I get some REAL creepy shit. I thought you would find that interesting.

I had a great workout today! Lifted a bit, swam a bit. Same ole shit.

From Skinhead to Equality Activist

2011-01-03T14:29:00.000-08:00

This is an awesome article I found on queerty.com.

Misery Loves company!

2011-01-03T13:52:00.000-08:00

So a friend of mine is starting a weight loss blog for his New Years Resolution! Welcome to hell Matt! Has anyone else got some good resolutions?

You can make fun of Matt's pain and starvation here.

So I swam a a lot today. Thats about as exciting as it gets. snore.

Where is this going?

2011-01-02T15:10:00.000-08:00

So I have decided that I am going to be trying a new style of blog. I have been obsessed with the news lately and that will be coming through a lot more. I have decided to post things that I fine hilarious or touching or down right enraging. If I keep it just about the weight loss and job hunt I wont post frequently enough. So I hope you don't mind me constantly posting. I need to find something to pass the day while I am waiting for no one to call me about a job offer.

So, the week I had off from the gym was totally worth it. It feels nice to get back in there and feel a sense of accomplishment. I am sure I put on a couple pounds but I find it focused my energy when I went back. I think I will try to take a week long break every few months.

On the job side of things, I am revamping my resume. I have GOT to find a job. I am going crazy living at home. It is so hard to stay positive when you feel trapped and embarrassed by your current living arrangements. You start to lose hope and feel that there isn't a place for you in this world. I know that something will come along eventually. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later.

So I was talking to this guy when I was out for new years celebratory goodness. He started talking about how the long term unemployed are just sitting on their asses and collecting money. I started laughing hysterically. He said,"I mean, am I right? Or am I right?". He said it with this vaudeville flair that you just had to appreciate. I informed him of my current situation. I told him that I apply to many jobs a week from Starbucks to Congressman and I don't even get a reply. Of course, he has the standard complaint... "Well I have this friend who was unemployment and he just took the money and didn't do shit!"

Well, frankly... your "friend" is a douchebag! I am doing my part and that is all I can do. I can't be blamed for your friends poor choices. So, until you have turned in a jar full of change to pay for the most menial of things, don't judge me.

Happy New Year! And fuck off 2010, you are the worst year of my life and I hope that you are burning in the fiery pits of hell.

ughh...

2010-12-09T18:30:00.001-08:00

I am sorry that I am slacking on the blog front. Just to keep everyone updated, I am still working out, still counting calories, still bored. I have started to change up my swimming workouts. I am hoping that one of Santa's elves ( read: bitch slaves ) will bring me the swimming stopwatch I want. That would push me more I think. I have gotten to the point, however, where going to the gym is just what I do. It is becoming part of my routine. I like that. Its the first time in a long time where honest to god working out is a part of my vocabulary. I am sorry for the slacking. I will try to be more vigilant in writing these.

Happy Holidays!!!

2010-11-29T15:30:00.000-08:00

I think I found why I gained weight over Thanksgiving. This is my favorite role models Hunter and Jessica. Their recipe for stuffing is amazeballs! Watch below!

So I am still on the wagon. I am just having trouble finding things to blog about besides just working out. I have found a neat side effect of monitoring my food intake. As I said before, I am not dieting at all. At least not in a traditional sense. I keep a food log and exercise log. Yes... there is an app for that! I use My Fitness Pal. It monitors everything. I put in all my exercises and weight and food and... ehem... drink, and tells me everything that I have consumed down to the vitamins and minerals. What I have noticed from doing this is that I never go hungry, I just find stuff that fits my needs. For instance, I love bread. Like, for real. But by switching to whole wheat, I can eat more of it. It is more important for me not to be hungry than to eat white bread. Its a different way of looking at this whole process. I also never realized how much sodium is in Diet Coke. YIKES! I am cutting down on that asap.

So being that it is now officially Christmas Season, I will leave you with my favorite, gayest Christmas youtube video. I mean, don we now our gay apparel!!! I present to you: THE TWELVE GAYS OF CHRISTMAS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was expected! Plus musings from my week off.

2010-11-27T14:27:00.000-08:00

Well 2 steps forward... and 2 pieces of pie...

So I actually only had one piece but still. I did however consume more than a fair amount of alcohol on numerous evenings in a row. Nothing says Happy Holidays like avoiding family time and COCKTAILS! I didn't work out on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday! Yikes! But I only gained 1.5 pounds back. I thought it would be a lot worse. I am thankful that it was an amount that I can manage. Thats about it for the update so I will leave you with an anecdote from my time swimming on Monday before Binge Fest 2010.

So... I am swimming and swimming endless laps for what seems to be eternal damnation. Counting my laps like a record that is skipping. Remember what those are? I digress. So I am on lap god-knows-what and I see an object to my left. A spectre if you will. You see there are skylights that shine down into the pool. Brilliant beams of light poor into them around noontime. So I glance over to see what can only be the grim reaper coming to take me to the hereafter! Death herself has finally arrived to take my wretched vodka-soaked soul to whatever hell is worse than swimming 9 million laps. IT SCARED THE BAJEESES OUT OF ME! For those who don't know, a bajeese (noun;singular) is a small creature that lives in huge numbers inside of highly jumpy people. They will flee their inhabitants body en mass if the person is frightened. They are invisible. I am unsure of their ability to swim.

In case you think of me as over reacting. Here is a picture of what I saw. Terrifying!

becareful what you wish for

2010-11-21T19:30:00.000-08:00

So... A few posts back I was talking about how crowded it was. ( The PiPi post ) Well today was like swimming in the Mojave Desert in Wario's world. You know. Mario's opposite in the Mario 64...

The resemblance is uncanny.
SO... with that convoluded joke I am trying to make the point that there was not a soul in the joint. I would go on to say it was desolate. When I walked in, I thought I was in heaven. Just me, my jerry rigged shorts, and the life guard. A wonderfully exuberant and attentive fellow who really loves his job. I thought that the smooth glass top of the water would be a fresh sheet for me to begin my journey.

I started swimming and its was the cocoon-like comfort that I am used to. I love that aspect of swimming. When you are below the water, it is just you and your thoughts. No music, no talking. Just the fluid barrier cushioning the whirs and gurgles of the water. But I found something missing. Well, besides the actual people.

It was their energy. Having people around you pushing themselves to their limits feeds your own ambitions. Its competition in its purest form. There is an unspoken transfer of good hope towards each other. The energy can be felt and, in turn, used to fuel your workout. I think it is an often overlooked aspect of competition in today's society. Competition makes us all strive to be our best. That is the entire point. If we lose focus of that, then we become complacent in our habitual mediocrity. Winning isn't everything but it sure is something that can shine the light on your path to being your best. A true win is when your are the very best that you are. It is a constant state of growth and development. A trophy is just a dot on your path. Winning is a constant state of being.

Does that even make sense?

Temptaion Station

2010-11-17T21:16:00.000-08:00

So... I had to walk to the gym close to my house because my usual ride, aka my parents, are down in the OBX. So I figured I would walk there for cardio and lift weights there to keep active till tomorrow. These are the things I passed on my walk. In order:

1. Not one but two dogs in their yard without a leash. No fence. Nothing. They were cute as buttons until they tried to eat my BUTTons.

2. A car full of douches laughing at me.

3. A Bruster's Ice Cream

4. A pizza joint.

5. A Chinese food joint.

6. A Culinary School for Kids.

7. A Sub joint.

8. A Sushi point.

Then I get to the YMCA. Well... the sign at least. I couldn't seem to find the entrance. All I could find was the entrance to the local grocery store ( Yet another purveyor of food stuffs on my march through the 9th circle of diet hell ). I walked around to the back of the building but it was just a collection of garbage bins. I could not for the life of me find this place. Where is this damned entrance?

Oh there it is! INSIDE THE FUCKING GROCERY STORE!!!!!!!!! Are you seriously serious?!?!?!?!?!? Who does that? Its in a grocery store. Like, for real. I took the elevator up to the second floor. I was shocked. I mean what else could be more awkward? OH! I know.... PUTTING FLOOR TO CEILING WINDOWS LOOKING OUT ON TO THE ENTIRE COLLECTION OF DELICIOUS VERBOTEN TREATS! You can't make this stuff up. Oh and here is the kicker... They don't carry Muscle Milk. BITCH! That should be in a huge Vegas style lit up display of epic proportions right by the entrance which also happens to be an entrance to the most AWKWARDLY PLACED GYM EVER!!!!!

Oy... Im going to bed!

Nice long weekend!

2010-11-15T18:42:00.000-08:00

I had a great time with my pi lambda phi brothers this weekend. I most likely consumed a lot of empty calories which I do not regret for one second. I don't have much to say for this post. I did go to the gym today so I guess I could give a holler about that.

So today was a weight lifting day so I only swam for 35 minutes. I did a half mile and called it quits. I have to say that I am seeing a lot of strength development. Which is really awesome. I know that I will hit a plateau soon enough so I need to start mentally preparing for that. I don't want to discourage myself for no reason. Plateauing is a part of the process. You just have to be patient.

Well thats all I got for today. I know it is a lame post but I feel if I let myself slack on posting I will fall out of the habit!

RED ALERT!!! RED ALERT!!!!

2010-11-10T11:29:00.000-08:00

I almost had a full blown defcon 5 melt down at the gym today! I weighed myself when I got there and I had only lost 1 pound in a whole week. I was so demoralized! I count everything that I eat and drink. I chart all of my activity. I count calories and what not. This was not the jump start I wanted. Talk about sucking the wind out of your sails!

I begrudgingly shuffled to the weight room looking like a Zoloft commercial. Scuffling my feet like a child who just had their Halloween candy taken away. If there were rocks on the ground, I would have been kicking them. I was having enough trouble gathering the wherewithal to make it to the gym as it was. And now THIS?

So I went and lifted weights. There was a glimmer of hope today. I am seeing a lot of strength gains, which is awesome. I it feels nice to move up to a higher weight in that aspect! So I really pushed through and maxed out to what hot jocks call "total muscle failure". Couldn't they come up with a more pleasant term than that? I mean really... "total failure" is something you usually try to avoid, unless you are a politician.

So it was off to the pool for some sprints and a leg workout. I am trying to change up my routine so I do sprints and weights 3 days and swim a mile on the other 2. Anyway, so I was talking to a lifeguard who noticed I looked, let's just say... despondent. I told him about the scale fiasco and he asked me if I had zeroed the scale. I HADN'T. I mean... the thing looks so expensive it could clone humans. I didn't think it was an issue. The lifeguard said, "Like... TOTALLY!" ( He is a lifeguard ). So I went in after my workout and tared the scale and low and behold I had lost 6.5 pounds! And yes I drink water the whole time so it is not water weight Negative Nancy!

Good workout... Good music!

2010-11-09T15:55:00.000-08:00

So I had a good workout. I am trying to find ways to change up the monotony of swimming. I mean... 64 laps is a lot of back and forth. Its like an old episode of Gilmore Girls. I am trying to find ways of breaking it up, without taking breaks. Today I swam 1/8th of a mile with a kickboard. I swim breaststroke usually and I don't feel like it isn't enough of a leg workout. I think it helped a lot. I swam 1/4 mile with these paddle things. I know that is the technical term. Anywho... if you think of any ideas... I am game!

So I found this on youtube and thought it was cool. Its called Wishery. It takes the childrens classic "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" and remixes it into a down tempo hip-hop jimmy jam! Its a lot of fun! I found this on Towleroad.com.

They call me Miles Davis!

2010-11-08T10:31:00.000-08:00

I swam a mile non-stop bitches! Hell yes! You can call Miles Davis from now on! If you
don't know who Miles Davis is, shame on you. Here is one of his pieces:

I picked this song because:

I played it in High School.
Its in the movie The Cable Guy.
It sounds like they are shouting Small Penis!

I am so stoked about my swim today. Although I might have over done it by lifting before hand. I guess we will find out tomorrow.

To my Republican readers, congrats on your big win this past Tuesday. I wish I could say I am happy for you too but that would be a completely false statement. I guess that's all for now!

hhhhheeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy..........

2010-11-06T09:35:00.000-07:00

So just to let you know, saturday is when all the hotties go to the gym!It was a virtual smorgasbord. I would like to thank all of you fine young gentlemen for coming to the gym and entertaining me during my workout! It was much appreciated!

In other news, the job market created a shit ton of new jobs. YAY! However, the unemployment rate is still at 9.6%. BOO! Guess which statistic I am in. Go ahead, I will wait...

I am starting to run out of jobs to apply for. I am also running out of money. But I am not running out of hope!

I just threw up a little.

Or a lot...

I think my hope is in my pile of sick.

TOODLES!

MILEstone ( see what I did there? )

2010-11-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday was a great day at the gym. I swam a whole fucking mile! WOOHOO! I even swam the second half non-stop. It was awesome! I couldnt even believe it! It may not sound like a lot to you, but a mile is a long way to swim. Trust me.

So after I gained the 2.5 pounds eating In-N-Out burger and del Taco out in California, I weighed myself again yesterday and my weight had gone up again. A word to the wise, only weigh yourself (at most) once a week. I will not be making that mistake again.

So today is cardio and weight training. I hate asking my jock friends how to lift weights. It becomes a celebration of their manliness. I get it. You are a gift to this earth. Whatever. If I wanted to celebrate your manliness, I would do it in the comfort of my bedroom, or in a mid-size SUV. ( I will be available for other vehicular options further down the road as I lose weight!) Im not trying to be He-man, I just want to get rid of my bitch tits...

Ta-Ta for now! ( see what I did there? )

OY!

2010-11-03T12:57:00.001-07:00

Well, how do I say this without being sad? I gained 2.5 pounds while on vacation at the wedding. Ugh... I am so disappointed. My goal was to just maintain my weight. However, the pool at my hotel left a wee bit to be desired. It was pretty disgusting. And it was outdoor and too cold to swim. I am so frustrated. Oh well onward and upward. I went to the gym today and it was back to the grindstone. I guess this is where it gets tougher. I need to keep reminding myself that I am on the right path. I guess its like I am still on the journey, I just stopped to tie my shoe. Its a matter of perseverance. I would be lying if I said it didn't take the wind out of my sails a bit.

On a positive note. I swam my half mile in record time today so that is progress. I wish I could see results but I guess I will just have to be patient. It took my a long time to get this fat so it is gonna take just as long to lose it. I can not give up! I won't give up. I have been giving up for way too long and I need to be the best I can be.

So, I am back on track and its full steam ahead!

The song I posted below is " I Like That " by Richard Vission. It was our soundtrack in LA. I am talking full rotation! Its the ish, enjoy!

I Like That - Richard Vission & Static (full version)

2010-11-03T12:57:00.000-07:00

Welp... time to hit the ol' dusty trail!

2010-10-26T21:16:00.000-07:00

So I did get my workout in and I was really happy with it. My 50m breaststroke is under a minute. I also swam 7x100 with 1 minute in between each! I was in the zone. I wasn;t sure if I would be able to get a full half mile in but I did! Now, the real test will be if I can get myself moving in the morning to get one more swim in before I leave in the afternoon. I don't know if I will write when I am out in LA but I will try my best to! nighters

98% urine

2010-10-26T11:07:00.001-07:00

So, I was a touch behind schedule for gym time yesterday and was forced to be in the pool with roughly 2 billion kids, give or take a few. The entire time I kept thinking of the South Park episode of when they went to Pi Pi's waterpark. I does not help that it is the heated pool. Grossy gross!

Pee
Tags: SOUTH
PARK more...

Well yesterday was weigh in day and I am down another 5 pounds! Yay me! I am planning for a trip to LA which begins on Wed. Luckily there is a pool at the hotel. I can't wait to see the faces on those starved bitches as I enter the pool! hahahaha If I can make it through the week without gaining weight I will be thrilled. Its gonna be hard though because my friend Ed will murder me if I don't have an In-N-Out burger. SO that's like a days worth of calories right there. Well, I guess I should get to the gym so I can stock pile me calories. Yes I know I said me instead of my, but it sounded like a Dickensian orphan, so I am keeping it. Talk to you later, whoever you are.

Ah! So refreshed!

2010-10-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

So I took saturday and sunday off from the gym. It feels like forever! I think that is a good thing! I am gonna stop with the exclmation points now. No one person is that excited about anything. I feel as if I am just now figuring out what I have been missing. I feel like I am at the entrance to something great and I like that feeling. Even though I am in a rough place, I can see that I am at least swimming towards the surface. It might not be visible yet, but I know that I am on the right path.

So I am putting together a bucket list. Things that I want to do when I lose all my weight. You would be surprised at how much you miss out on. But I am trying to figure out what to call it. I mean, a bucket list is things to do before you die, and this journey is about getting my life back. So I was thinking Fat + Bucket list = Fucket List. Thoughts?

Well I guess thats it for now. Till my next post here is an awesomely hilarious video. Yes she is a real person. Yes this is a real show. If you went to GMU with me then you know all about the JACKRABBIT!!!! Enjoy!

And.... I DID feel it in the morning!

2010-10-22T10:33:00.001-07:00

I dragged myself out of bed, went to the gym for a "workout". I put workout in quotes because it was barely a workout. I would say it was just work, but that means something positive in the gay community. So lets just call it a wo. As in my body saying, "WHOA, BITCH! SLOW YOUR DAMN ROLL!" A wise man once told me that it all goes down hill at day five. Some of you will get that more than others. In any event, I am taking the weekend off. Hopefully, I will be rejuvinated by Monday.

In other wompwomp news... I can't go to my fraternity brothers wedding this weekend which sucks. Oh well... such is life. I have a wedding in LA next week though. WOOT!

So my funny of the day is something I posted all over my facebook page. But, in case it got lost in the shuffle here it is.

How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son