From Job-loss to Weight-loss

2016-06-28T15:20:00.002-07:00

So... Here I am again. I am unemployed. And am trying to regain control over my weight. I got a desk job that I thought was going to let me chase my dreams of performing and all it did was make me fat again. Not 490 pounds fat. But I did balloon up to 370. Ugh. So frustrating. But I had a mental breakdown and decided to kick that office job to the curb. I was literally going crazy. But I am in counceling and getting my weight back under control. I have lost 40 pounds. Which I should be thrilled about. But that's another topic for my doctor.

But I am kicking this back up to document my foray into water fasting and ketosis. I have a glucose monitor and am purchasing a ketone monitor. Hopefully I will be able to update this with charts of my success or failures. I have hit a plateau and old school readers of this blog will know that I am no stranger to shaking things up. Right now I am almost 42 hours into my water fast. There is some really compelling science behind this. The goal is to get my body to the state of Ketosis which means your body prefers to burn fat for energy. You can see why this would be ideal. We shall see! I have no funny stories yet. So pardon the dryness. I am also looking into getting checked for endorphin deficiency because no matter how hard I work out, I am just a pissed of drowned harassed rat. I hate every second no matter what the exercise is. Which is not fun when you are working out 6-7 hours a week.

Stay tuned!

It's a New Dawn, It's a New Day

2013-12-02T10:54:00.003-08:00

So, As a sit here on my lunch break, scrolling through my fb updates, I am humbled and warmed with the response I got from my post. I never really intended this to be an inspirational thing. Just a humorous way to keep myself accountable in my efforts to get my life together. I feel that, I have left you all out of one of the greatest trials in my journey.

I am sure you all know, but in case you didn't, I through my back out at work back in September. It was on a Tuesday. But not just any Tuesday. It was the Tuesday following the Monday which, after three interviews, I found out that I did not get a job at Capital One. I mean, come on. So much wasted time. But, at least they had the courtesy to call me personally to let me know. Usually employers just let you wonder, for weeks. You are constantly checking your phone to make sure that your reception is adequate. Did you hear my phone ring? Checking your mail constantly. So, I guess there is at least some good there? That was Monday.

Tuesday was bringing you straight up no chaser back spasm realness and not even apologizing for it. At 5am. The worst. But that is another story.

Wednesday was my birthday. But not just any birthday, my 36th birthday. My, I am officially closer to 40 birthday. So, to say I was down and out was a little bit of an understatement. I had vacation time planned so I thought it would be all good by the end of it. Not even close. It turns out that throwing your back out can take a really long time to heal and having a job that doesn't even know the definition of "light work" can throw a real wrench into your plans. And your back for that matter!

So I was on Workman's Comp, which was about 60% of my net take home pay. It was getting pretty scary. Bills piling up, rent due, anxiety attacks, pbr, couch, PS3, hulu plus. Eating garbage and drinking PBR. I had to do something.

Then, I went back to my blog and read all of my posts. I was right back where I started. Well mentally. Then through the glorious side of social networking, a former student of mine became my inspiration. Her success fueled my recovery. It snapped back into gear. I went shopping. Got food for the week. Packed my own snacks and meals. Shaved my depression beard. Yesterday was my seven month anniversary of no cigarettes. Still chew gum from time to time. But it is a step.

And tonight, I am going back to the gym. It is on. I am ready. Time to loose this mass of excuses that are manifesting on my body as weight.

They have been piling up for too long.

Long time...

2013-11-01T11:33:00.003-07:00

So today is the official date that has been six months since I smoked my last cigarette. Now before you go cheering me on, and whatever, I must make things clear. I have not been nicotine free for six months. I was using gum until September. And when I am out a bar and everyone was smoking, I had an e-cig as a back up plan.

Some people consider that cheating. Ok. Thats fine by me. People cheat all the time. It is my turn, heffer.

But the simple fact remains that I have not cheated and smoked a single cigarette in 6 MONTHS!

Now if we can all hop in the way back machine, when I started this blog I was at 420 pounds and unemployed. So I decided to turn my life around one step at a time.

This September, I threw my back out at work. It was one of the weirdest experiences of my life. So I found myself on disability. So I was sitting on my ass for weeks trying to get better. Workmans Comp only paid me 60% of my actual pay that already wasn't enough to pay my bills. And to top it all off, during one of my doctors visits I weighed in at 311. I was devastated. I had worked so hard to get below 300. I was down to 274. But what can you do.

So I took stock in what I was eating and drinking. I wasn't burning the same amount of calories. I had to adjust. My last weigh in at my last doctors visit was 307.4. So getting back on track with that. And I know that in the long run, it will be worth it. Quitting smoking is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Its harder than losing weight. But even through all that stress, I rose above the madness and told myself, you are worth more then you have right now, but you need to earn it. I am now officially cleared to go walking and do light yoga. which I am going to go do right now.

In my time on disability, I started applying everywhere and it was arduous. So many questionnaires to fill out and personality tests and on a scale of 1 to 7 and which statement is more true about you and craigslist scams and pyramid schemes and AHHHHHHHHH! But I ended up getting hired by a temping agency and I got a job with Child's Fund. It starts at a higher rate of pay and I am guaranteed 40 hours a week! The job has an ability to be temp to permanent and if that happens I will receive much more money. And now my weekends are free to teach winterguards again. I am so happy! Just got to drop these extra pounds!

Two weeks in.

2013-05-16T09:41:00.003-07:00

So I have made it 2 weeks without so much as a puff from a cigarette. It is going fairly well. It was a really stressful week at work, but I managed to survive on nicotine replacements. I am pretty stoked about that. The hunger thing doesn't seem to be that much of an issue. I don't feel as if I have gained any weight really. That was always my biggest fear. I would hate to gain weight after I all I have done to lose it.

Sometimes my depression gets a hold on me. It is something I have always battled. I think that has more to do with my money situation. It is so hard to consistently push yourself to do your job 100% all the time when you are payed so little. It can be so demoralizing But, I know that I am on the right track to making my life better. Slowly but surely. I just cant tell if I am stalling in my journey, or if my depression is holding me back from seeing the success I have had. All I can do is keep moving forward. It is all you can do. The other option is giving up and I dont think my heart could handle anymore disappointment.

This whole journey into healthier living is a long and arduous one but I know it will pay off eventually.

It better!

Day One Ovah!

2013-05-01T17:20:00.000-07:00

It actually was not that bad. Though I hear it gets a lot worse in the next couple of weeks. I was off today and that was a challenge because anytime I got bored, I went to grab my now completely useless lighter. The nicotine gum helped me out twice today. It is a process. Just like everything else. The good thing that I noticed was my rommie and I have junk proofed our house. In this house, cheating is having a bowl of kashi. Or a spoonfull of organic peanut butter.

I am not quite sold on the e cig yet. I think I just have too strong of a craving for the cig to satiate me. we shall see.

Of course, this process was pretty painless because I was holed up in my apartment pretty much all day. Tomorrow is a work day. 5a.m. the real test begins.!

cessation station

2013-04-30T21:03:00.002-07:00

So, the time has come for me to step up my game once again. I have gotten a firm hold on eating good food. I have kept the weight off. I have stalled on the gym front, but I was crazy busy with work and teaching. So what does this next phase entail? quitting smoking.
Ugh...
To say that I am terrified is a gross understatement. I have been a smoker since 1996. It is such a huge part of me. But so was being obese. And I didn't lose any part of me with the 200+ pounds left me. I finally landed a role in a professional theater production this summer. As in, I am being paid. ROCK! However, the part is crazy high and I am going to need to kick this habit to make it through.

As a person who has made tremendous improvements in my weight management, it can be quite scary at the thought of eating to suppress my nic fits. However, I am not doing this cold turkey. I am transitioning to electronic cigarettes. Save me from you complaints about this. I am doing this my way.

It is now 12:02 am . It is officially May 1st. My quit date.

oy.

I can do this.

Give me an inch... and I will take a footlong meatball parm

2012-12-13T15:35:00.002-08:00

The hardest part of any lifestyle change is persistence. It is the single thing that you must have. If you don't do anything consistently you will not see long term results. That's the nature of the beast. That's the reason I avoid using the word "diet". Its connotation leans to a temporary state of living. A diet is whatever you eat. I could be all veggies or all pizza. But it is now synonymous with Lemon juice and cayenne pepper detox bullshit and Super Colon Mega Ass Blaster ridiculousness. As you fine readers know (all 16 of you), Right now I am reading Eat To Live. It is really simple, yet extremely difficult. I posted a while back about the withdrawals I had from not having the chemicals in my body that I was used to. Headaches and irritability, which the latter is just a character flaw. This is a fact.

When I moved to my new place, I knew that it was going to be a struggle. Not because of the food we buy at the grocery store. I am fortunate to live with a bomb ass chick who not only reads this blog, but also eats really healthy shit. The struggle comes from money. I definitely have had to cut out all the workout supplements I was taking. That shit is expensive. It was 86'd with the quickness. $80 dollars for a workout enhancer? Ain't nobody got time for that! NO thank you.

I work for a little mom and pop operation. Its called Starbucks. I'm sure your not familiar. In any event, when the night is over, we have to through away food that has expired. We normally would donate it, but the charity we were giving it to turned out to not be a charity. Womp. So, we have to throw away the food. And by "throw", I mean shove it in a shopping bag, and "away" is a euphemism for my mouth hole. This whole rent and bills shit has seriously drained my non existent funds. So, when faced with an empty fridge, empty stomach, and empty bank account, I need that expired food for sustenance. It seriously kept me alive for a few days. However, blueberry scones and paninis are not on the good food list in Eat To Live. Its not calorie dense or anything. But when you are using food for fuel, you need to get the most bang for your calorie buck. Bread is not good fuel. It is chock full of complex carbs and nutrient deficient. It is also delicious. Like super awesome yummy in my tummy I want it in my mouth always delicious.

So I ate some bread for a couple days. What's the big deal? The problem lies in the crack in my armor, that slip up that reminds my mind of how fucking delicious bread is. It craves it. Its like the addict who has that sip of booze and all hell breaks loose. They are staring at the bottom of a fifth of whiskey and shame.

When you allow yourself to eat the foods that make you crave them, you are just setting yourself up for a struggle.You have to retrain your brain and start the battle all over again. You are shooting yourself in the foot.

This is the problem with the word "diet". Eating to live needs to be an all the time thing. If I let myself have a treat, that opens the door for more treats. Treating yourself because you were great at work that day. Treating yourself because you were horrible at work that day. Treating yourself because it is a day that ends in day. The rationalization are minds are capable of concocting when we want stuff that makes us happy is quite remarkable. The key is to not open that door. No cracks in the armor. Stay strong. Set your self up for success, not failure. Healthy food is delicious, once you break your self the confines of your processed food prison. The freshness is so bright on your tongue. To allow that manufactured garbage to muddy that up is just retroactive. I need to be proactive. No cheat days. No excuses.

Manwich meal?

2012-11-14T16:24:00.004-08:00

Against better judgement, I found my self neck deep in Dr. Oz. In case you are not familiar, Dr. Oz was promoted by Oprah Winfrey. Unlike Dr. Phil, he actually is a licensed doctor in an actual medical field. ( you should wiki Dr. Phil, gross) However, that doesn't mean he isn't a quack, it just means he is a quack who sells his soul to the devil to pay off his student loan debts. If you watch the show regularly, you will find that it is a revolving door of bullshit fad diets and get skinny fast malarkey. Snake oil tonics that blast belly fat! YAY! Anyone who has done an ounce of research knows that you cant target where you lose the fat. He may regurgitate long dispelled myths and spreading false hope, but its sweeps dammit!

That being said, sometimes you can get some great information on the show. Some legitimately helpful hints. But you have to slog through the muck and mire of charlatan hoohah to get to the very few nuggets of nutrition. Today was one of those days.

They had their Hungry Girl on today. Yes that is her stage name. We will get to that in a minute. She was talking about food expanders. I know. Thats not thing. Is that a thing? The idea behind it is, you use a healthy food to beef up your normal food to create bigger portions. Satiety, which she says in a weird way every time, is the key to a sustainable diet. I completely agree. When people ask me for advice I tell them, if you are hungry, you are doing it wrong. You should never be hungry. The key is to eat the right foods so if you eat enough for you to be satisfied all the time, the calories have to be in check. Tons of veggies. Some fruit. This will give you bulk without bulking up your BMI. A good example she gave: use portabella mushrooms to beef up your beef. Grind up the shrooms and mix them in with ground beef to make a huge meatloaf. It cuts down on the calories. Get the picture? Use zucchini noodles to beef up your regular noodles. Its a great idea and has endless possibilities. A person on facebook said she made "rice" by grating cauliflower. GENIUS! I live for stuff like that. But here is where they lost me.

She said that a woman could do this just to fill out her meal with healthy expanders. Not her hubby's or her kids.

Um, insert the record scratch here....

What the cock is that shit? Why wouldn't you want to make the healthiest meal possible for your family. I am already irritated that a successful woman is still chaining other women to the stove for all eternity. Skinny pretty people love a goddamn stereotype. But then to throw in this whole "cook your man what he wants, not what you want" nonsense? He should eat what you were nice enough to cook for him. Its the least he could do for keeping that glass ceiling shiny and oppressive dangling above your stove. Better yet, tell him that he can only eat 70% of what you get and see how quickly your pay starts to rise.

But that got me to thinking about the dynamics of gender in the way we eat. Guys pig out, girls eat like birds. Guys dont get fat like girls do. LIES! If a guy is 20 pounds overweight, its cute. If a girl is, she is a heifer that is to be shamed! Well after you fuck her and tell everyone she took advantage of you. 20 pounds overweight is the same either way. Guys are allowed to love all you can eat buffets. WHY?

Healthy foods are healthy because they cause great chemical reactions in your body. Ridding you of toxins, sustainable energy, proper nutrients. Everyone should eat that. If I was legally allowed to marry (ehem) I would gladly cook for my hubby. SO I would know that he is getting the proper nutrition.

The notion that men are just drooling primates eating transfats all day is just as sexist. Some of the fittest guys I know eat a diet you would think is weak. People have this misconception that the paleo diet consists of finding a gazelle at your local park and sharpening your flint tools to get your friend Ort to help you kill it and eat it while its soul is still trying to escape. In fact its similar to Eat to Live. Lots of leafy green veggies, fruit limited nuts. No gluten, carbs, sugar. Healthy men eat the same stuff that healthy women eat. Because we are both human. A penis is not required to digest spinach. I promise.

All of those ridiculous commercials that we see, like the HungryMan tv dinner, or activia yogurt (because only women need to poop) are just a ploy by food companies to make you buy gender specific foods. Which in and of itself is just laughable. Its like Lady Gilette razors. WTF?!? Razors shave differently for men and women? Normal soup for mom, and SUPER BEEFY EXTRA CHUNKY MAKES YOUR DICK BIGGER CHOWDER for dear old dad! The whole idea is gross. Just eat food that is delicious and natural. Stop buying into the hype of food companies. Their is no gender test for delicious.

I think that Hungry Girl should change her name because it steeped in shame. AWW, she is hungry but she cant eat food because she isnt a man. So super grossy gross. I cant. End Rant!

The shade of it all!

2012-11-14T03:24:00.001-08:00

I have to stare at this everyday! You can do it!

Kale... It's what's for dinner.

2012-11-13T14:52:00.001-08:00

Wooot!

2012-11-13T14:27:00.001-08:00

218 pounds down! It truly does get better!

Big day!

2012-11-13T12:38:00.001-08:00

Today is the weigh in. Stay tuned....

Is this what I was missing?

2012-11-12T10:56:00.001-08:00

So this is the lobby of my downtown Y!

A new lease on life.

2012-11-12T09:57:00.002-08:00

So this weekend was a big step for me. I finally worked my ass off to get to the place I need to be in order to move out. I was stuck at my parents house for 2 1/2 achingly long years. They were tremendous to me during this time of unemployment and fatness. They were so amazing in helping me along this journey. I truly am blessed to have such supportive family. I really am lucky.

As I enter into this new era of my new life, I am a bit weary of what this means for maintaining my exercise and eating regimen. My current eating method comes along with an extremely hefty bill. The cycle of bad choices and easy meals plagues our society. It is a very real thing that I have seen destroy peoples lives. The cost of produce is extremely high compared to the cookies and shit food that we eat everyday.

But I am a fighter. I have come too far to let this trip me up. If this were an easy journey, this blog would be really boring. Well, it could be boring to you anyways but that is a matter of taste. If you dont like it, you have none.

In any event, I have to sign my lease and whatnot, go to the gym, go to the grocery store and figure out where to put the 13 almost empty jars of hair junk that I couldnt throw away because I am apparently a hoarder. So this is a short blog post. Sue me. Well, dont sue me. I have to buy my weight in kale. I need that money.

The vote rocked!

2012-11-09T10:09:00.000-08:00

This is not a political post. So you can calm down. This blog doesn't deal in such heavy shit. Well, besides my heavy ass. This is about my voting experience at the polls on Tuesday.

I walked into my old elementary school to vote. This is the first time I have been inside it since I was in middle school. So about ten years have passed. (just let me) I always think it is so weird to go back to a childhood place only to see how much smaller it is. Your perception is all out of wack. You feel like Gulliver surrounded by the town of Liliput. In my minds eye, the tiles on the wall were supposed to be at my nose, not my waist. I got me thinking about how I view myself during this weight loss process.

I have touched on this before on my blog. I dont see myself any differently then I did 200 pounds ago. Well 216, but who is counting? Oh thats right, ME! I am still the pear shaped unloveable behemoth that was so fat he couldnt fly on an airplane. Sitting in a theater seat was a battle of my love for theater versus my tolerance for pain as the arm bars dug into my hips. I would have bruises on my legs for days. I dont talk about that often because the bruising on my ego is still there. Clearly. The shame you feel when you bump a table when you are trying to squeeze through to your seat, when they have to move the table so you can sit at a booth. The glances of disappointment when you request a table with chairs because everyone else wants a booth. It still freaks me out when I go to a diner. I assume I cant fit. This all stays with me. It haunts me.

This is why I encourage everyone to be honest and tell people if they look like they have lost weight. We see ourselves everyday and the loss is lost on our eyes. So... what does this have to do with voting? I walked up to the sweet old ladies at the polling station. I had forgotten my voter registration card. The lady asked to see my ID. I gave her my license. She asked me my address. Standard fair. But then she kept looking at me and then down at the license. She didn't believe I was me! I told her that I had lost quite a bit of weight and she said " You sure did!" She then proceeded to show my license to the other workers. They were all floored. It is moments like that which make it all worth it. The ghosts of my past are haunting me less and less. Eventually they will be gone. I hope.

This makes me feel better.

2012-11-02T10:00:00.004-07:00

The battle for getting control over my health and nutrition is a long fought and emotional battle. Every day you are surrounded by people who are eating whatever they want. They can stop at a fast food joint, pay 5 dollars for a whole meal, and they will not be judged for it whatsoever. Conversely, fat people are judged as unhealthy no matter what they are eating. Pity is felt for the fatty who is eating the right thing, but it is their own fault for letting it get that bad. Right? I mean, it is nobody elses. No one made them eat all that food.

The fact that a single cucumber costs one dollar and that same dollar can get you a mcdouble. The convenience that thinner people enjoy is a thing of the past. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I cannot eat out with friends. I have to plan out what I am going to eat. It is a lot of repetitive foods but it is the only way for me to stay consistent. It is really a struggle to constantly say no to others and also to myself. At a local restaraunt, their salad is 1200 calories. Are you fricking kidding me? Thats over half of my calories for the day. FOR A SALAD!

Add to that the headaches that are plaguing me since starting this eating method. It is unreal how hard it can be to do this consistently. How do I find the motivation to keep doing what I am doing?

I have lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks.

period.

You have to trust yourself and trust the method. You have to put faith in the fact that you are doing the right thing. You can't live other people's lives. You can only live yours. My brain has been rewired to crave things it doesn't need. I have to keep fighting to change it back to its natural wants and needs. It is very challenging.

But doing it 8 pounds lighter helps.

OY!

2012-11-01T17:33:00.001-07:00

The madness of this eating method is starting to get to me. I never realized how much starch and grains I was eating. Every time I am hungry and look in the fridge I am at a loss. The book recommends eating two huge salads a day. It is kinda hard to keep up the produce I need. I am flying through this stuff.

The headaches are getting a little better. They are less frequent and not as intense. I am just going to push through and try to stick to this method for at least 3 weeks. That way, I will have reset my brain to not crave the chemicals its missing.

Does anyone have any advice?

Or a loaf of bread?

2012-10-30T16:49:00.001-07:00

Holy Headache Batgurl!

2012-10-30T16:44:00.000-07:00

So I have been trying to do my best to follow the eating method in Eat To Live. I say eating method because diet implies being hungry. I am not going hungry at anytime. I eat whenever I am hungry. However, I have a crazy headache. It feels like a caffeine headache. This clearly is not the case because I work in a coffee shop. I am guessing that is a side effect of giving up processed foods. I am sticking with it though. I have to push passed this uncomfortable period. If this is the way my body feels when I give something up I dont want to put that shit back in. The book is still snarky as hell and I feel he could say things in a more compassionate way, but his message is a powerful one. I have lost 2 pounds in a week. I am comfortable with that!

Eat Me.

2012-10-23T12:02:00.000-07:00

So I have decided to have a mental reboot of sorts. I feel like I have gotten distracted from my nutrition goals. I just bought a book called Eat To Live by Joel Fuhrman, M.D. I am working my way through the first chapter. I seem to agree with a lot of the things he is saying. I have been eating as much whole natural foods as I can. Long time readers of my blog know that about me. So its a lot of the things that I had come to know from my own experience. But it does sound better when it comes from a fancy doctor type! However, he sounds like such a douche!

I understand the severity of the obesity epidemic in this country. More so than a lot of people. I AM the obesity epidemic. I have worked very diligently towards a better life for myself. We need a wake up call. The fact that Michelle Obama is demonized for trying to get our kids to have proper food served to them is so gross. The urgency is not lost on me.

But you can't get people on your side if you resort to shock and awe bombastery. I feel like the entire introduction sounds like Fox News doom coverage. If I were to paraphrase what he is saying versus how it feels it would go a little something like this, HIT IT:

Hey fatty fat fat. Im Skinny McSmarterthanyou. I hope you enjoy your fatty foods and fat drinks because you are on a super wide fat train to Deathtown. Poulation: everyone. You are all fatties and and should be ashamed of your fat faces. You are all dumb fat puppets on the fat teet of Big Fat and your eyes are to swollen with fat to see it. You are dying from fatness, Fat Man, and you should keep reading this book to be awesome like me. If you can even get your fat sausage fingers to turn my slim, amazing, omniscient pages. fat.

You get the drift. Hopefully this book will get more into the info and less on the fat shaming. We shall see.

Sniff...Sniff... Cough... EAT!

2012-10-17T13:04:00.002-07:00

So I had the pleasure of judging a marching band show this weekend. Those that know me personally are fully aware that this is a dream gig for me. The fact that I get paid to do something that I would pay to do is simply amazing. It is awesome to give back to an activity that has given my so much in my life. That being said, it did give me something else this weekend. THE DREADED COLD!

The worst thing about a cold isn't the sniffles. The head congestion I can deal with. The cold sweats are tolerable being that I sweat all the time anyways. For me, the absolute worst part is the inevitable chest cold. I am asthmatic. This is something that I usually can handle through inhalers. However, when I get sick, my lungs seize up like a southern white lady around black people. Clutching their purse tight and panicking silently. Well, not so silently. I sound like that weird dog villain from the Laff-a-lympics.

Clearly, this has put a dent in my cardio routine. Its frustrating because I had already been slacking off before this. Now I feel like I am really doing myself a disservice and taking multiple steps backwards. It is wise in times like this that you have to remember that weight loss is mostly about diet. Some experts say that it is as much as 80% diet. So all you have to do is keep eating well. Problem solved!

Hardly.

As a normal human, when I am sick, I want to feel better. So I want comfort food. I want chicken soup for my fat ass soul. I want peanut butter and jelly. I want creamy chowder. Ice cream! I want anything that might make me want to enjoy life again. And I want all of it. Like now! I am in full blown Veruca Salt golden geese realness def con 5.

And to exacerbate the problem, I am laying in bed all day. Not an ounce of exercise. Well, aside from the ab isolation from coughing all day. The only time I get up is to stuff my face. So gross. And I rationalize all of this because I am sick. Starve a fever, feed a cold. Right? Thats what my grandmother always said. (Of course, she cooks everything in crisco and thinks Obama is a secret muslim. ) My prescription says I have to take my meds with food. Doctors orders, bitch. Now give me my bag of tostitos and pint of ice cream and ...

I trust that you will find yourself in this situation at some point. Just try to be more self aware than I was yesterday. It was a misstep to say the least. But I am back on track today and I am hoping to be back in the gym tomorrow. Or at least by friday. Please by friday, I'm so bored!

the tank is empty...

2012-10-03T13:34:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days where you want to do yourself a favor. I know that I need to go to the gym. I have not gone since friday. Thats four days off. I know I will feel better about myself after I go. I know that I need to go. I also know there is a Top Chef All Stars marathon on. I am also aware that my bed is comfortable. And I also know that I am better than all of these excuses. The bottom line is, I didnt lose 200+ pounds by listening to these excuses.

I guess the point is, the journey I am on is a constant battle. The battle isnt in the gym. Once you are there, the process takes over. The battle is making the time. The time is there. It is always available. It is tough to let yourself detach from the grid for an hour and wash away the media saturation that we are always consumed in. Perhaps it would be wise to just go to the fucking gym and stop blogging about it. And, don't you worry one second my fat loss voyeurs. I am going to the gym. I think it is important to show that the lack of motivation lives in everyone.

But you cannot let yourself give in. Giving in is what caused me to balloon up to an estimated 500 pounds. Giving in is what lead me to a life of what if's and Should haves. I have to turn my will-do's into have-done's. I heard a great quote on a podcast that I love called Cut The Fat. Download it immediately if you are looking for information on weight loss and healthy living. The quote is so simple and so true:

WTHOUT SELF-AWARENESS, ALL DIETS WILL FAIL!

Read that again. Do it.

You have to have the ability to constantly and consistently be honest with yourself and what you are doing. . You must always be honest with yourself and not cheat your way into failure.. I am better than that. and so are you.

I guess I should show an update.

2012-09-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

I have been reluctant to put up a recent photo because I wanted to wait till I hit my goal weight. Not that its some amazing svelte weight, its still a beefy 225lbs. and still over 60 pounds away. But being that I have lost over 200 at this point, I guess I should post one so you don't think I am not a genuine fatty on the life journey to a healthy lifestyle. There are a lot of men posing as Syrian Lesbians and what not and would hate to see my blog be lumped in with the fraudulent. So here it is. Though if you know me in real life, this wont be nearly as revelatory.

I still have a ways to go but I thought I would at least give a new face to my blog. I have a lot of followers who are not facebook friends who are looking to kill time at work. They are people like me who are on the same journey and are looking to kill time at work.

Glad I could help!

So to all the new people, welcome! And to the old people, love you so much and thank you for making this journey easier.

well how about that.

2012-09-25T15:51:00.003-07:00

So I recently just celebrated my 23rd birthday ( just let me ) and I took over a week off from working out.Because it was my birthday and that's how I wanted to celebrate. I also drank a lot of alcohol a couple of nights. Because I love to get drunk. So I begrudgingly dragged my lonesome self back to the gym for penance. It was time to face the music. Which, judging from my choices that week, was either late Elvis or early Adele. I knew that this was going to be an interesting weigh in.

So, I white knuckled it, saddled up to the scale and braced for the damage. I wasn't going to freak out or anything. I had made my choice and I was ok with it. You cant spend your whole life fighting a constant battle. Sometimes you just need a respite, if only to suit up for the next battle.

I step on to the scale. The soulless digital screen flashing in a serious of dashes and numbers. Quickly flickering through, like a slot machine where there is no jackpot. Only shame. In the brief time it takes for the number to send down its judgement, I have conversations with myself.

"Well, either way, you are at the gym doing the right thing."

"You seriously have no self-control."

"But, you have done so well so far."

"You would be further along if you never fell off the wagon in the first place."

My mind races like a cocaine driven Gollum from Lord of the Rings. A fat guy debate... on fast forward... with no moderator.

But, to my surprise, I had lost three pounds.

HOT DAMN!

This is why I lose weight the weight slowly. I dont do crossfit, or insanity, or blah blah. I am doing this slowly so my body is doing everything right. I monitor my calories on My Fitness Pal. I excersise. I never go hungry. I just do it slowly so it is sustainable. And I dont beat myself up about enjoying a week. The world will beat you up plenty, dont help it out. Stay happy, stay smart, stay fit.

BRRAAAAIINNNSSSS!

2012-09-10T18:06:00.000-07:00

So I have been on a netflix tear as of late. Late summer shows only cover a couple of nights for me. To fill my time of required television viewing, I have been watching zombie movies. What can I say, I love me some zombies. Always have. Then it hit me. I am a zombie!

Well, sometimes...

When you get into a rut in your fitness and nutrition routine, it can make you feel like a slow moving, constantly hungry, mindless beast. Just a shell of your former self, shuffling through life looking for sustenance.

Today was one of those days. I went for my morning run. Had two wholly unsatisfying meals. As a rummage through the doomed town that is my cupboard, I am a soulless ghoul. Lethargically pushing around cans of food looking for the sweet, sweet marrow of salty sweet goodness. All the apples in the world are not going to curb my post-apocalyptic craving. Must have bbrrrrrreeeeaaadddd!

Luckily I am not a zombie. I am a grown ass man who can make decisions that are appropriate. I will rise from the dead to fight another day. This day was just particularly hard.