From KS to PA

More than half

2018-10-24T09:00:00.001-07:00

I was 19 and Bret was two days from turning 19 years old when we first met. Next month I turn 38 which means we have crossed the point where I have spent more of my life with Bret than before him. Bret's grandmother used to tell his dad that he had his mom longer than she (his grandmother had) when joking about what she was like or how she acted.

The highs and lows all ebb and flow as the years keep marching on. Jobs, moving, having babies, raising those babies, teaching those babies how to drive, losing loved ones, traveling, and making memories fill the spaces in those years. We grew up together and we changed together and all along the way we made the choice to continue to love each other. Sometimes this choice was much easier than other times. I am but only a glimmer of the same person that I was at 19 now 19 years later and the same is true for Bret. However much I loved him then and man did I think it was impossible to love him more I do. Through everything he still makes me laugh. We still have so much to talk about and tell each other. He is the first person I tell good news and bad news to.

We recently had family pictures taken and there was a one picture of us that I feel really captures us and our marriage. The photographer said to whisper something sexy in my ear and after a brief pause on his part he leaned over and whispered "something sexy".

Carbs

2018-09-14T08:44:00.004-07:00

In April of this past year Bret and I decided to take on a new adventure together. Bret and I were approaching weights higher than either of us had ever been. I was working out regularly doing crossfit and running yet the scale kept inching the wrong direction.

A friend did a lot of low carb cooking and posted pictures of her food and recipes online and it got me thinking. We have never been good about diets. Diets in the past have made us cranky, impatient, and really just very miserable people. Our plan was to try it before our trip coming up in about 8 weeks and see what happened.

It is now September and almost six months since we started our weight loss journey. Both of us have lost close to 25 pounds each and are feeling great. Even better it doesn't feel like a diet but more like a lifestyle change. We don't keep track of calories and we don't keep track of grams of carbs we just avoid bread, flour, pasta, sugar, and high carb foods like potatoes. We eat a lot of meat, cheese, eggs, and veggies. I think this has worked for us because it doesn't feel like we are depriving ourselves all the time. Yes I can't eat a bun on my hamburger but I can have cheese and mayo both of which I have avoided because of the calories and fat for many years now. Also because of the fat in our diet and because our bodies had plenty of fat to burn we are not hungry and thinking about food all the time.

I always have a big garden in the summer and this past summer we used the produce more than ever. I made zoodle and spaghetti squash dishes that my kids even thought tasted pretty amazing. Somethings were higher in carbs but still complex enough that we ate them anyway and it tasted so much better than ever before. The sweet corn out of our garden was so sweet it felt like a treat. There is so much information about Keto and carbs and all of it can be swayed as good or bad depending on who you ask.

Nothing in life is a one size fits all and weight loss is no exception. I wouldn't say that it has always been easy but it hasn't been as hard either. We feel good, our bodies are clearly telling us this was what they needed, and the way I think about food has changed as well.

Several people have asked how much longer or how much more weight we are trying to lose. I don't have an answer because I have stopped focusing on the scale so much. Of course more weight gone would be amazing but as the loss has stalled and slowed down I don't think about it as much. I ate terrible this past week and last weekend. We were out of town for a concert and our week has been crazy with practices and substitute teaching. I also think I made some poor choices because of my cycle and serious cravings for chocolate. However this morning I weighed myself for the week and was down another pound. I was completely expecting to have gained weight back.

I think my favorite part is that Bret and I are doing this together. He cheats way more than I do but it still is working for him. Every now and then he will crave something and will look online for recipes that work around the carbs. Last night he made English muffins in the microwave and they tasted good and were low carb. (I think almond flour, eggs, butter, baking powder, etc) My goal is try and post a few recipes here and there for you guys to try out just for fun.

Dixie Chicken

2018-08-23T09:57:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I was listing to Dixie Chick radio Pandora station while cleaning the house. I am not a huge country music fan but I can belt out with the best of them Strawberry Wine, anything by the Dixie chicks and all of the other songs about great young love.

I was scrubbing the floors and listening to the lyrics of a song and there was something about being 19 and leaving home with just a note because you just can't stop love and the thought occurred to me that 19 was awfully young to leave home for a boy. Then the next line talked about breakin' her mama's heart and I realized that I am no longer the young girl in love singing this song. Instead I am the broken hearted mama with a 14 year old daughter that will soon be the 19 year old in love. Talk about a splash of cold water to the face.

It is shocking to think that it felt like just yesterday I was 19 when I met Bret and we fell in love so fast that our parent's head spun. We laughed and became indignant when we were told to slow down and that 22 was young to get married and that we were babies having a baby at 23. Song after song that I have always loved and related to talked about a daughter and her parents. Sometimes needed to just spread your wings, sometimes about a silly boy not being good enough, and just the passion and blinding love that you feel when you are so young and your whole life is ahead of you. I remember this feeling so vividly and although it doesn't feel like it was that long ago now it feels different. Instead of a red hot fire of passion it is more like a warm cup of coffee on a rainy day. Comfort, trust, stability, and solid are more accurate descriptions. There is still passion but different.

Besides realizing how much my marriage has changed over the years is the realization that I have a teenage daughter and how terrifying the role of watching her walk her own path in life is. I pray constantly for her. I feel like I am trying to hold the right amount. Not too tight but also not so loose that she floats away. I am constantly readjusting my grip trying to find something that works for the both of us feeling like nothing I do is right and that I am failing and that time is working against me. When I look at my relationship with my daughter there are so many feelings jumbled together that there are not enough words to describe it. Joy, pride, love, anxiety, fear, and frustration are the ones I felt just this morning as I helped her curl her hair (twice because the first time the curls were too lose so we had to do it again with a smaller curling iron) and get ready for school pictures today. It is staggering the waves of emotion that come as my daughter grows older and starts to make her own way in life that is different and separate from me.

I am learning as I go and although I am no longer a Dixie chick I am OK with now being a mama chicken raising her flock the best I can.

2018 Back to School- Logan

2018-08-20T10:19:00.001-07:00

School for Logan has never been easy. When I say that I am not talking about academics. He is actually a really smart kid. He is working on the 5th Harry Potter book (over 400 pages) and learns math and science with ease. No what I am talking about is classroom behavior and attitude.

This is the first time since he started kindergarten that I have not received a phone call home from the principal's office the first week of school. Granted the first full week is just beginning but "knock on wood" so far things have been off to a great start.

I think part of it he is growing up and becoming more mature. His temper, stubbornness, and awkward behaviors are starting to fade some. A bigger part has to do with his teachers. Last year was by far the worst school year I have had with any of my four kids ever. I got phone calls, emails, and letters with follow up meetings that left me feeling like complete shit about my kid and my ability to parent. His 2nd grade teacher was a first year teacher and very young/not married/no children and I felt like just didn't know what to do so instead she told me how awful my kid was. Needless to say Logan wasn't the only one who spent significant time in the principal's office although for different reasons. It was the first time that I felt like I needed to really be an advocate for my kid. When the teacher told me she has tried everything it was shocking to learn that really she hadn't tried alternative seating to keep him at his desk or anything other than what she had started the year out with as her own expectations. Crazy to think that with four different discipline/reward systems going on at various times (sometimes all at the same time) a kid had a hard time understanding or caring about expectations and consequences.

Someone asked Logan a few weeks ago if he was ready to go back to school. As expected his answer was no and that he hated school. It was so sad to hear because he loves reading and learning yet how much he dislikes school. After the person walked off Logan turned to me and said "you know mom, I haven't been in trouble at home at all this summer." It broke my heart because he was right. He may have gotten in trouble for not doing something asked and lost his ipad for the day but overall he was never in major trouble. During the school year however he was constantly in trouble at home because of trouble at school.

Logan wasn't the only kid that got into trouble in that class but he was probably the most. Teaching is never easy and I know Logan can make it feel impossible. I spent a lot of time reading everything I could get my hands on when it came to classroom behavior. Moving your clip, flipping cards, and other color behavior charts have repeatedly been shown to do more harm than good. Boys especially seem to struggle the most and fail to meet the expectation of sitting still and quietly all day and having recess taken away as a consequence when they fail to do so.

So we are starting 2018 with great hope that it will be a better year. That Logan can find his groove, that his teachers (who are awesome by the way) have a great school year, that he makes friends, he keeps Jesus at the center, and it is the best year ever.

Life is Precious

2018-08-17T08:29:00.000-07:00

As the school year begins so begins better routines, fall sports, and earlier bedtimes. My oldest headed off to 8th grade and the baby to kindergarten. My heart is so full of both joy and sentimental sadness. I pray for all four of them constantly and for Bret and I that we are doing our best to raise them into decent human beings.

The past several months have brought with it some shocking losses of life and although none were immediate family or friends they were just close enough to feel the pangs of loss at how sudden and sad their untimely deaths were.

A close friend suddenly lost her mother who happens to be my mom's age and who was in much better health than mine to a stroke. A classmate with an unhealthy lifestyle never recovered from pneumonia and passed away. Only a few days ago a friend's 15 year old son took his own life the night before school started. It is shocking, gut-wrenching, and unimaginable the pain that their loved ones are walking through right now.

It is a reminder that life is precious. We are only on this earth for a limited amount of time and we spend so much of it worrying about inconsequential things and working so hard to achieve such materialistic based goals. Time is a gift that should not be wasted. I lost my dad rather suddenly and I didn't realize how precious the time we had was and took for granted that he would not be here for many more years. I try not to do the same with my mom but it makes me feel more panicked as I am not sure there will ever be enough time with her. We are so very blessed. It is my hope that we change our goals from bigger houses, newer cars, and more stuff to making memories and sharing love.

Although I have so much to say about this horrendous epidemic of teenage suicide for today I just want to say that you are all very loved, you are worth it, ask for help, call a friend, fight to stay here.

Thoughts about the latest Tragedy

2018-02-15T08:08:00.001-08:00

My deepest sympathies and prayers to everyone involved with the latest school shooting in Florida. I was a freshman in college when the one of the first big news shooting took place at Columbine. It was tragic then and how little we knew then that this would be something that would continue and become something we would actually have to say "the most recent" about instead of it becoming something unheard of happening again.

I don't have answers and I can see so much truth in both sides. I feel like both sides are so far apart that neither will take a moment to think about the truth that each has to offer. If we take a step towards the middle both sides feel that is relenting completely. I also think that when both the right and the left use this situation to try and justify their opinions on gun control other major factors get over looked and ignored.

I read an article this morning giving some surface details about what happened. At one point they showed the text messages that the students were sending to their parents while this horrific tragedy unfolded. I completely lost it because it reminded me so much of my own teenager and pain I felt for these parents as they lived through what I can only imagine as my worst nightmare. Texts that said things like there is a shooter, I heard gun shots, I love you, I'm scared, thank you for everything you did for me, still bring me to tears just repeating them. I also read that the school was full of unanswered phones ringing as parents prayed and desperately tried to reach their precious children.

My own daughter texts me from school now and then asking about after school plans or for me to check something. This past fall there was a bomb threat and many parents refused to send their children to school the next day even though the school took every precautionary measure possible to ensure their safety. Although fairly certain it was a hoax to get school canceled we let Emily decide whether she wanted to go or stay home. She chose to go to school even though many of her friends did not. One mom told me that she would never forgive herself if something happened and the risk was to great for one day of school before break. I've never prayed so hard for her safety at school as I did that day and looking back maybe we should have kept her home too.

19 years ago in February a friend took his own life and changed mine forever. It seems to me that Feb is one of the hardest months for everyone but especially anyone that suffers from depression. Mental illness and suicide is more prevalent than ever and happening in children younger and younger. My sister, a high school counselor, has several students that are currently hospitalized after either attempting have having thoughts. With social media on the rise I feel that it hyperboles the already difficult experience of middle school and high school. There have been so many experts point to it as a direct link to the increase in students' struggles with mental illness.

As a mom one of the most difficult question that comes to mind when tragedy like this strikes is how do we keep our children safe? This is when my liberal friends look at me like I have two heads but here is my truth. We raise our children to be successful in this lifetime but most importantly we raise them to be saints and to enter the Kingdom of Heaven first and foremost. We anchor them as disciples of Christ and teach them love, kindness, and charity.

Tough but not too tough Love

2017-09-05T07:23:00.001-07:00

The start of the school year was a little different for us this year because we have a teenager starting middle school as a 7th grader. For the past seven years our kids have gone to a Catholic elementary school which meant uniforms and much smaller schools and class sizes. To say that I have been dreading middle school is such an understatement. No one likes middle school. It is just such an awkward stage in growing up and trying to find a balance between being independent and still needing a lot of guidance.

Emily is a great kid and she works so hard and wants to succeed. She is taking pre AP classes and it is a little bit of a stretch for her academically. Her elementary school prepares them well and we were advised to go ahead and try the harder level classes. So far for the most part it has gone well. Until the end of last week.

Self discipline is something that Bret and I never excelled at. We get the work done but procrastinate like pros. School was never a huge challenge so we could usually get by with last minute except for those pesky classes that kept you from waiting until the last minute. Deadlines, check-ins, practice logs, and attendance were never our strong suits and it kills me to say that already I can see Emily heading down that path.

She has to have 3-4 books read by the first deadline of one class and she as of Thursday last week she was 85 pages into her first book. Needless to say a grade update of D- was a cold glass of water to the face. Next came band class which Em loves and is pretty good at. Except the consistent practice part. Once again her practice logs resulted in a D grade update as well.

So we spent the long 4 day weekend in between family activities reading and practicing the sax. This morning I got a frantic call from Emily because she left her practice log (that is due today) at home and needed me to bring it to her. I took it too her and called when I got to the school and she didn't want to come get it bc she was worried she would be late. Not my problem. Either she came and got it or I took it home. 5 seconds later here she came sprinting out the building and back in with her log.

I went home feeling bad that I was too hard on her. Bret said he understood and that what makes it so hard it that we know she is trying. She is trying pretty hard and isn't purposely just not doing the work or not caring if she succeeds.

We have high expectations for our kids but we are pretty reasonable too. Emily cried this weekend telling us that she hates reading and is a slow reader and sometimes has to read things more than once. She said she was going to fail the class. My answer was maybe with that attitude and that if she did she would then lose her phone and be grounded. So she kept reading.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart and I feel like the first two weeks of school has been pretty rough in our house. Logan got sent to the Principal's office, Palmer got in trouble at home for having kids over when we were not home, and Emily has been struggling with school work. Add that to exhausting schedules of cross country, football, and cheer and I am ready for a drink. It is a roller coaster of highs (Em made the elite stunt she has been working so hard for in cheer, placed at her first cross country meet, Palmer made the baseball team he tried out for, and Logan turned his behavior around pretty drastically) and lows (tears the whole way home from an earlier in the week cheer practice because stunts were not hitting, low grades, Logan & the principal, Palmer got in trouble). Two weeks of school people and I am ready to hide under the covers. So we begin again with a shortened week and pray for grace and patience.

Heavenly Cake

2016-01-20T07:57:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was a hard day. It as my dad's birthday and although I miss him everyday it was much stronger yesterday. Off an on throughout the day I spent time remembering how we celebrated his day over the years. I figured out that I really only missed a couple birthdays (two when we were in PA) over the course of my lifetime.

My dad was a lover of food. In my family for our birthdays we usually went out to eat to the choice of the birthday person. Dad always choose BBQ or Red Lobster for his birthday. They were his favorites. We also usually celebrated with a cake. For many many years my grandmother made our family's birthday cakes. My dad especially loved chocolate and his favorite was a family recipe "Uncle Lee's" chocolate cake. It is a simple but old recipe that includes sour milk and boiling water. It makes a fabulous rich and moist cake.

Dad spent four years here in our little part of Kansas once we moved back. We took him to his choice of restaurant, the kids made or signed cards, we always had a gift, and we had Uncle Lee's chocolate cake. The last year he wasn't up for going out to eat so we brought in BBQ for dinner and ate with him at the nursing home. I usually bought him clothes or something he needed like an electric razor. Last year I bought him a big box of different snacks and candies from the local bulk candy store. He really liked having snacks in his room to munch on.

Two of my boys have January birthdays also. A lot of time we celebrated them all together. Yesterday we went to eat at the new BBQ place that just opened up and agreed that he would have loved it. I thought about making a cake but didn't for a number of reasons mostly that I didn't want to end up eating most of it myself.

Since his death I have had some guilt and spent time wishing that I would have done more. I wish I would have had more patience and spent more time with him. Yesterday though was one of the first times that I didn't have those feelings. We always worked pretty hard to celebrate his birthday and make him feel loved. It's almost like a sigh of relief to be able to say that.

During some of the hard early days my priest who I am very close to gave me advice that has comforted me so much. When I told him about my guilt he asked me "did you love your dad"? I said yes of course. Then he asked me "did your dad love you"? Again the answer was yes. He then asked me "did your dad know you loved him"? I looked at him and said yes I think he did. My priest then said "I know he did, and that is all that matters."

Special Lady

2016-01-13T07:16:00.000-08:00

Today would have been my grandmother's 98th birthday. She has been gone 6 years. I remember this because I was very pregnant with Logan when we came home for her funeral in September. She was one of the most influential women in my life and I miss her terribly.

Although no one is every perfect she was the type of person I always aspired to be. She never had a bad thing to say about people and she always believed the best in everyone. She was kind, considerate, humble, and so very loving.

I have so many memories of simple everyday things we would do when I went to visit her during my summers and school breaks. The time spent in her garden, hanging clothes out on the line, cooking, sewing, feeding the chickens, going for walks, and visiting the neighbors were so fun and meaningful. My entire life she gave me gifts she spent so much time and energy on (and very little money). She made clothes and blankets for my dolls, popcorn balls and other homemade treats for my school birthday treats, aprons, cookies/pies/cakes for every special occasion and sometimes just because, slippers, hats, and mittens, quilts, and countless other things. My most treasured was for my high school graduation she wrote out all of her recipes and gave me a box full of them.

My grandmother also gave so much of her time and prayers. She wrote and called often and was always so happy to see you. One of the most touching thing about my grandmother was that she was a crier. So am I. She cried because she was so happy to see you and cried when you left because she was sad to see you go. She cried when she heard beautiful music and she could never read birthday cards without shedding a few tears. Her tears were soft with no sound. She cried during good movies and when she read great books. She was the first person I told that I was pregnant with Emily when I was terrified and still trying to come to terms with the unexpected news. Of course she cried and somehow her joy made me realize the joy too and for the first time think that everything was going to be fine.

I made my final trip to Kansas about six weeks before she passed. She had not been well and she looked tired. She was still so happy to see us and thanked us for coming to see her. I very distinctly remember that I kissed her several times and hugged her tight before I left because I knew it could very well be the last time. The pictures are from her last Christmas.

I am so very thankful that my kids are so close to both my mom and Bret's. Their love and relationship means the world to me because I understand how much it means to my kids.

Gifts

2016-01-12T06:49:00.001-08:00

My husband is many great things, gift giver is not one of them. In our family I do all of the gift giving. I think about what each teacher, relative, and child would like and I plan and conspire. Not just for Christmas but for birthdays, anniversaries, and Mother's/Father's Day too.

It's not about how much a gift costs sometimes they don't cost me anything but time. I compiled all of our family recipes made a beautiful cookbook for my sister for Christmas one year. This year my niece got her first American Girl doll for Christmas. To go with this I made aprons (one for my sister, niece, and the doll) and framed some of my grandmother's handwritten recipes for my sister to hang in her kitchen of their new home.

So back to my husband. Have you read the book the 5 love languages? I am still trying to figure out what my love language is. I think it is somewhere between words of affirmation and gifts. My husbands is acts of service. Bret shows us that he loves us by working hard and providing for his family. He feels loved when I fix him meals, and take care of everyday things for him. If Bret is trying to make me feel loved he puts in extra effort with the kids and around the house. This is just who he is.

So during holidays and birthdays and anniversaries I have learned that if I do not want to be disappointed I need to be very clear about my expectations and more specifically tell him what I would like. Bret waits until the last minute and usually hastily throws together something to hand to me. It is still a little disappointing since to me the thought and time is what really counts.

This Christmas was one of the few times that when we were talking about gifts for each other and I was going to offer ideas Bret said he already knew what he was going to get me. I was shocked and very excited that weeks in advance he already had a plan.

Emily, like her mother, loves to give gifts also and is very good at it. This year she really wanted to get gifts for her brothers. We decided after hearing the idea from a friend to draw names this year. It was so fun and the kids took their secret Santa idea very seriously. Emily asked me what she should get her brother Logan and I helped her get some ideas. Bret took Emily and Easton shopping and I took the other too boys. Both Bret and I had drawn names too. I think that out of all the gifts we opened we all looked forward to these the most. A few days before Bret and I were talking about taking kids shopping and he needed help with a game plan. I mentioned that Emily had Logan. Bret said no I thought she had you. I corrected him and he let it go. Turns out Emily did have me and told me she had Logan to throw me off. Totally worked!

Long story short about Christmas this year. Bret did get me a gift but it wasn't here by Christmas. He ordered me floor mats for my car. I had so many mixed reactions about this gift. It was very thoughtful and useful. I do love them in my car. I was thrilled that he came up with the idea all on his own. However, I was still a tiny bit disappointed. We don't usually spend a lot on each other for Christmas. One year we got each other the same board game on accident. This was the first time we spent a little more and he got me floor mats. Just once I wish he would be a little impulsive. Jewelry or a new purse would have been awesome.

We talked about it later and I was honest with him. I also told him I was a little disappointed that there was nothing under the tree. I had gotten him a new grill, a K-State shirt, shotgun shells, and a bunch of little things for his bar. He loved it. Again it's the little things that to me shout "I think about you and love you". Bret promised to work on it and neither of us let it impact our holiday. Here's to still trying to make a marriage better and constantly working at things.

The Baby turned 3

2016-01-06T07:23:00.001-08:00

To little people there is usually one thing that describes a big event to them. When it comes to birthdays for most kids it is the presents. For Easton it has always been cake. Bret and I would ask Easton what he wanted for his birthday and the moment the word birthday came out of your mouth he would yell "CAKE"!! If you asked him what kind of cake he wanted he would tell you "in my mouth, YUM!" It was hilarious and became one of our favorite party tricks to show everyone when Easton was around.

Besides cake Easton's other major passion in life is Paw Patrol. If you haven't watched this show it is about a little boy who has rescued several pet dogs that each have a skill used to rescue whoever is in trouble (usually the mayor or her pet chicken). Easton would sing the songs from the show and new every character and most of the episodes on Nick Jr. So of course when it came time to work on Easton's birthday there was no choice but to have a Paw Patrol birthday cake for his little party with family and a few friends.

The good news was that because this show was relatively new we knew exactly what to get him that we didn't already have.

This cake turned out better than some of my past ones. My friend came over a few days in advance and we made our fondant and rolled out all of the pieces and gave them a chance to set up and dry. I watched a couple Youtube videos to remind myself the tips and tricks to covering a cake and it helped a lot. Funny I remember watching the video and seeing them use a tool that I happened to have but hadn't used in forever. What a difference!

Easton is such a fun and easy kid. He was by far the easiest kid I ever potty trained. He is fiercely independent and has no problem helping himself especially if he is hungry. While he loves to play with his siblings he also loves being home by himself when they are at school.

I love having him home with me and I will miss him tremendously as he starts school. A couple of years until he is in school all day feels so very soon! It is good to know that he is ready for preschool next year and will love every second of it.

Easton goes pretty much anywhere with me and is pretty easy going. He goes to a mom's day out drop off a couple times a week and refers to it as his school. He never minds a babysitter or the gym nursery. He is just pretty easy going for the most part.

Easton always thinks of himself as one of the big kids. The other day as he and I headed to the car to run errands he told me "I call the seat" which is what the older kids say about the middle bucket seat next to the one with his carseat in it. He had no idea what he was calling but he has heard it so many times he felt it necessary to call dibs.

While the poor kids has to go to more practices, games, and errands than any of the other kids he also gets a lot of one on one time with mom. Sometimes I think about how young I was when I had Emily (23) and how much stress we were going through when Palmer was so young and I know that I am savoring Easton's early years so much more. I have more time and patience now than ever before. I rock Easton to sleep for his naps sometimes and never complain when he wants me to hold him when he doesn't feel good or is tired. We spend so much time putting puzzles together and reading books. Our everyday life while the big kids are at school is just at our own pace and I love every second of it.

He is such a joy and blessing in our lives and loved by all of us. He was the missing piece in our family and I can't imagine our lives without him.

Happy Birthday Easton!

Love,

Mama

Logan is 6

2016-01-05T08:57:00.001-08:00

Today is Logan's 6th birthday. I can't believe how fast the time has gone. It seems like yesterday he was still like this.

This picture was taken the morning of his birth. He was born by C-section and just like the rest of his life so far it wasn't exactly what I had planned.

I gained very little weight with Logan's pregnancy (12 pounds to be exact) and I was really hoping for a vbac since Palmer's C-section was really hard on me. My doctor felt pretty confidant my whole pregnancy that we could make this happen until about the last week of the 40 weeks. Bret and I were laying on the couch watching TV and he started feeling the baby. About the second time he started feeling around his eyes got pretty wide. "This baby is huge" Bret told me (he was a 3rd year OB resident at the time). I told him that wasn't possible since I hadn't gained almost any weight. Bret said no, he is very big.

Long story short he was very big and a vbac just did not happen. He was born weighing 9 pounds 2 ounces.

These are the first two pictures taken after Logan was born and were sent to all of our family and friends right away. A few moments later when the nurses were cleaning him up and the doctors were putting me back together a nurse quietly asked Bret if we knew about his hand.

Bret's response was "what's wrong with his hand?" We had no idea and until the nurse pointed it out to Bret we still didn't notice.

So Bret wrapped him up and decided to wait until we were in the recovery room to tell me. I remember this moment with such clarity. There are so many emotions after just having a baby. I remember thinking that if we didn't know about his hand what else did we not know about. I was so scared that something really serious was wrong and we just didn't know yet. I kept asking Bret if his heart was OK, was his kidney's OK, how do we know, I kept asking. Bret said "he is healthy, he is going to be just fine" and I believed him and he has been.

From that moment forward Logan has lived life to his own beat and as God, not me intended.

When Logan was teething instead of sucking his thumb or chewing on part of his hand he used to stick his whole hand in his mouth to comfort his tender gums. People used to freak out thinking he was going to choke himself. It was one of the first of many times Logan cracked us up.

Just before Logan's 3rd birthday over Christmas break I had my older two kids at the eye doctor's office for a yearly check up. They asked if I wanted Logan's eyes checked also since he was there. I had no idea they checked them that young but figured why no since we were there already. Lo and behold the older two's eyes were perfect. Logan on the other hand needed glasses and pretty strong prescription to. I told the doctor I didn't think there was anyway Logan at three would wear them. The doctor assured me that Logan couldn't see very well and once he started wearing them he would wear them all the time. He was right.

Logan is such a fun kid that makes us laugh everyday. He is also the kid that I find myself on my knees asking for help with constantly too. I thought that having two other kids would prepare me for a third. Logan reminds me everyday that he is his own person and that what might have worked on two other kids won't always work for him. He is loud, outgoing, stubborn, and very bright. At the last preschool parent teacher conference I remember asking Bret before going that if they were going to hold him back we would know by now right? I had no idea because at home he showed no interest in learning anything to do with school and usually responded with "I don't know, what do you think?" when asked things like what letter is this. Turns out Logan was very bright and surprised both of his parents with the fact the Logan was actually reading. Who knew?

Kindergarten brought a whole new level of challenges that broke my heart. Logan was in the principals office twice the first week of school for fighting. During recess a third grader was grabbing his hand to look at his little nubbins (the tiny fingers that never grew) and then was trying to pull them. Logan punched him. The second time again at recess a girl grabbed his hand and wouldn't let go so Logan threw her down onto the ground. After two weeks everything stopped. I am not sure if Logan just figured out how to handle things better or if other kids decided not to mess with him anymore. We have not had a single behavior issue at school since the first two weeks but man were they rough to start.

Logan lives life hard. He also loves so fiercely. He writes these little notes and leaves them for me that just say "I love you mom". He hugs and cuddles. He adores his big brother Palmer and has started to play and get along a lot more with his little brother Easton. He and Emily still sort of tolerate each other.

This past summer Bret decided Logan was big enough to ride the 4-wheeler by himself on the path behind our yard. You would have thought Logan died and went to heaven. He rode it until it ran out of gas.

This past year showed Logan's sensitive side as he suffered heartbreak. We lost our devoted dog Sadie that Logan claimed as his own from the beginning. He cried every night for a week and still talks about her and how much he misses her.

Logan was really close to my dad. Having been to a few funerals before he had an idea of what to expect. At the rosary he told Bret, "OK let's go see papa's body." When he saw dad he told my aunt "that's my papa". She told him that she knew and he said "he used to laugh at my stories, sometimes they weren't true, I am going to miss him a lot." My aunt told him that papa loved him too and that now he could run. You could see the relief in Logan's eyes when thought about the fact that my dad was healed now.

When you have a your first child you wonder to yourself how you could ever love anything else as much as this child in your arms. Love is endless. I cannot explain how you love each child so completely you just do and it is such a gift.

Happy Birthday sweet Logan. We love you so very much.

love,

Mom

2015 A Year in Review

2016-01-02T08:59:00.001-08:00

There are years that go by a little less noticed, some that seem amazing, and some like 2015 that were just hard. During the past holiday I looked around and saw some new faces. New friends and new babies are always such an exciting joy with a future filled with possibilities. I also looked around and was sad to not see faces of people no longer around. Some (my dad and Bret's grandmother) have passed and I pray are celebrating in the Lord's glory reunited with other loved ones gone before. Others have just faded from our lives and I am learning that is OK too.

This past year felt harder for me personally than it did as a family or even as a couple. Usually our trials are so linked together that I have always felt we were clinging to each other during difficult times or dragging the other back up when one of us falls. However this year I felt very alone in my struggles.

We decided that four children completes us. On most days I am whole heartedly in agreement but every now and then I am so saddened by this. I have thought a lot about it and my feelings are for all the wrong reasons. For so long I have identified myself as the mother to young children who desperately need me constantly. I feel very lost not bringing a new life in to watch over. It's not that my kids don't need me but with three in school fulltime I feel panicked as to what I am going to do when all of them are in school. Who am I if not a stay at home mom to small babies. Should I still stay home? If I work what am going to do and is it worth the cost? Before my dad died I thought I would spend more of that free time continuing to take care of him.

Grief is such a new feeling for me and one that I don't think you can really understand until you experience it. I have lost loved ones before but not so close and not so suddenly. It comes in waves and so unexpectedly. It truly is a process that you have to work through and just keep going.

We lost our beloved dog, Sadie this year. Compared to the grief of losing my father it is nothing but yet it is so much. She was my daily companion and constantly showed such loyalty and love to us all. She is missed.

Besides all of the sadness and worrying there was such joyful highlights in our lives this past year too. As each of our children grow and mature there is so much fun and new adventures to discover. Our kids are becoming their own people and it is such a blessing to see who they are becoming.

Traveling is such a joy for Bret and I. Last year we went to Dallas as a family to watch Emily compete in cheer. It was a lot of fun for us to get out of town and to see her excel at something she loves so much. We took the kids to a midevil times restaurant and to this day it was such a highlight of their year. In the spring we took the kids and Bret's parents and went on a Carribean cruise. It was a blast and so many memories were made. The kids loved the kids camp on board, the trip around Cozumel, and of course swimming with sting rays and sea turtles.

Bret and I were so lucky to get to go on an amazing dive trip with friends to Belize and had a blast. I have found that time in Colorado, at the lake, on vacations, and just experiencing things in our lives gives us all so much joy and has their weight in gold.

So goodbye 2015. I hope 2016 has less heartache and more experiences of joy.

PS Sorry for the photo dump!

That Mom

2015-09-23T07:27:00.001-07:00

I worked on a college campus for over 10 years before I started to stay home in admissions or financial aid. We saw all types of students and all types of parents. The student/parent combo that I understood the best was the one that most closely related to my experience. My parents were supportive but had no clue. I usually sent an email directly to their accountant asking for a copy of their tax returns so that I could complete the FAFSA for myself and I always applied for a pin for them so that I could sign it electronically for them. There were countless times that I asked why I had to use their information when it felt as though I was doing everything on my own. If something needed to be signed I either handed it to them with a pen or I forged their signature and they never minded they just wanted to help however they could.

High school wasn't much different. I brought home my grade reports and since I was a decent student my parents rarely had much to say other than "good job".

My husband's parents were similar yet more involved. Bret's mom filled out the FAFSA and understood the process better. I still remember my surprise when I found out that she had his log in information and could check his grades in college. For Bret it was just easier that way and again he was a good student that rarely needed help or concern for anything with regards to school.

Of course there are many shades of grey when it comes to parenting styles and level of involvement. On the complete opposite side of my parents are what we in admissions used to call helicopter parents. They hovered over the kids and sometimes it was confusing as to which person was the student. They would get the mail and emails sent directly to them and would quickly call with questions. Not only with regards to the financial/admission side of things but with academics as well. Parents would email and call professors about grades, missing assignments, extra credit opportunities, etc. Students would forward information to their parents and let them handle things for them. I always wondered at what point the kids finally got to be the adult in the scenario since it obviously wasn't college.

So fast forward a few years and I now have an 11 year old struggling in 5th grade. These days her grades and assignments are all electronic so I log in to see how she is scoring and what assignments she might be missing.

I always envisioned this with her coming home from school and asking if she had homework. Of course she would work on it right away if she did and then if she had any trouble she would ask for help and we would help. We would also always be willing to check over math homework, etc.

Here is how it really goes:

Mom: Em do you have homework?

Em: Yes, just math

Mom looks at agenda and sees two other assignments written down...Emily what about these two assignments?
Em: Oh, yeah we did that one in class but I forgot I need to do that science page.

Mom: Did you bring your science book home? (Thinking I have no idea how to figure out how many protons and neutrons each element has from looking at a periodic table anymore)

Em: No, the teacher didn't want us to bring the science book home.

Mom: Did they go over this in class?

Em: I'm not sure but I finished my math homework.

Enter dad...thank goodness.

Dad checks over math homework, makes Emily redo at least a couple problems that were wrong which includes reteaching that section to make sure she actually understands it. Also gets frustrated that her mental math skills kind of suck. Then he helps her with science homework and I am again relieved that he is super smart and never forgets anything so he knows how to teach her how to figure out the protons/electrons/neutrons, etc.

Then set the timer for Emily to read her book and she is done for the night. Next morning mom sits and drinks a cup of coffee and decides to log into the online grade information for Em and finds out that science score is very very low. Opens to find that two science assignments are listed as missing. When mom gets Em up for school and asks about it she has no idea. Mom goes through backpack and finds that missing assignment was the first page of the worksheets worked on night before that must not have been completed. So have Em sit and work on assignment while eating breakfast and make dad late because he has to help. Mom writes note in agenda stating Em has no idea what second missing assignment is.

Here is the thing. I feel like 5th grade is different from college but am I creating a kid that needs her mom to constantly stay on top of things with her? Am I creating habits and concern within her so that she understands how important these things are and teaching her how to stay on top of it all for herself? Why does they prospect of bad grades (we are talking C's, D's, and even F's here) scare the heck out of us? Should we let her fail?

The feedback I get from teachers is frustrating. I email concerns and I get "Emily is a good student who works very hard. She seems to pay attention and spend her time in class working. I am surprised to she that she is doing poorly in some of her subjects. I will meet with her to talk about where she is in each subject and what we need to do from here."

Emily is a good student who is failing at least one subject and doing poorly in several others. What it feels like she is trying to say is Emily is well behaved and doesn't get into trouble. She fly's under the radar and then when the teacher realizes she is not doing well in school it is too close to the quarter and no time to raise the grades.

Em does work so hard and she really does want to do well (partly because she is a people pleaser). I have hired tutors in the past that have told me that Emily understands the material. So then I worry she is just not focusing or getting distracted? Ugh.

So we continue forward. We work hard at home to stay on top of everything and keep trying to instill in Emily how important school is and that she has to stay focused. I pray that I am lifting her up, encouraging her and most importantly that we love her.

Over a Decade

2015-09-10T06:40:00.001-07:00

After almost a month and few to no accidents I think we can officially say that Easton is potty trained. Whoo hoo!!! Bret and I have changed diapers non-stop for the last 11 and half years. You heard that right people more than a decade of buying and changing diapers with no break in between.

All four of our kids are less than three years apart in age. So about the time we had one saying goodbye to diapers we were introducing the next baby to the family with a whole new set of diapers to change.

There have been a lot of mixed emotions about not being pregnant again and having a new baby during this exact time. Again this is the first time of our life cycle that I am not pregnant or expecting a baby anytime now. While sad sometimes at saying goodbye to the newborn phase and pregnancy there are small celebrations with moving our family into the next stage of our lives. Most importantly...no diapers!

Easton was surprisingly easy to potty train. I had originally planned to wait until all of the older kids were back in school. However, the kid was more than ready and I wasn't going to be the one to hold him back. That is not to say there have not been challenges. Every kid is different and Easton is no exception to this rule. While quick to embrace the idea of wearing big boy underwear and going on the pot he was also quick to want complete independence too. This means that he won't tell you if he goes number two and insists on wiping his own butt. Unfortunately I never know what I am going to find (like an entire roll of TP flushed down the toilet, sketch marks on his underwear or on the toilet seat). He also is the youngest any of my boys have insisted on standing up to pee. Again the cleaning of the floor, wall, toilet seat, etc has become pretty common place but his aim is quickly getting better. Small price to pay is what we say.

While we are still carrying a potty bag (change of clothes, etc) we are so close to being able to walk out of the house, to church, or a restaurant with nothing to tote along with us. It is a crazy feeling.

Principal's Office

2015-09-09T11:04:00.001-07:00

Unlike my husband I have never been sent to the principle's office, until now.

My 5 year old, Logan started all day kindergarten this year. Although the first day brought tears to this mama's eyes to see her little guy go trotting off to school with his older siblings this was quickly replaced the following day with a surprise at pick up time.

On only the second day of school Logan was waiting with the teacher at pick up time which is apparently a tell-tale sign that she needs to speak to that particular student's parent. Not good. The teacher then informed me that Logan got into trouble that day for punching a third grader at recess. This particular third graders is a classmate and friend of Palmer's so I was sure there was more to this story than what I was initially told. Logan got a talking to that night and we found out the kid was messing with his little hand so Logan punched him.

The next day at pick up Logan was waiting with the principle. Logan once again got into a fight at recess that day with another kid and was sent to the principle's office for fighting. To say that kindergarten was starting off rough was an understatement. The principle found out from talking to Logan that another student had pulled on his little hand and particularly was pulling on his little nubbin which is rather painful. Logan said he asked the kid to stop and the kid wouldn't let go so he pushed the kid off which of course was all that the one teacher (for 60 kids) on recess duty saw.

To make a long story short Logan got into trouble almost every day for the first two weeks of school and was sent to the principle's office twice.

Bret and I spent a lot of time talking to Logan, taking away privileges, and making him write "I will not hit" a million times.

The thing is we are not delusional parents. Logan should not hit, push, shove, fight, etc at school. On the other hand he should not be bullied, made fun of, mocked, or hurt by other kids either. It is a fine line for me as his mother between trying to teach him to not do these things and knowing that he is defending himself. Some kids with differences take the teasing, looks, questions, etc and draw into themselves. Others fight back.

We offered to bring education into the classroom which the teacher refused feeling it was unnecessary. The problems were at recess not in the classroom. The teacher felt that she had heard kids ask questions and Logan field questions about his hand with no problems. It hurt my heart a little because I wanted to yell at the teacher "do you know what it feels like to be asked over and over again why he is different and have to explain it over and over again?"

So here we are week three and things have improved significantly. We get a daily report of how Logan does during each of the three recesses and he has had perfect behavior...knock on wood. I think part of it is the other kids are figuring it out and leaving him alone and the other part is Logan is figuring out how to keep his cool.

I have been having to bite my tongue and keep myself from running into the school to beat up a bunch of kids for picking on my kid. Three kids in and you would think we have this parenting thing all figured out yet we are so far from it. When Bret asked Logan what happened at school Logan responded "I was making poor choices, dad". We both had to work pretty hard to keep from laughing. We love this kid and know that once he gets things figured out it will be fine.

Emily is 11..a month or so later

2015-09-08T08:10:00.000-07:00

Our Emily turned 11 on July 22nd this year. We have officially moved into our tween years and I feel like I am spending so much time trying to keep Emily 11 instead of 16 that the reality of 11 has yet to hit me.

Summer months are filled with constant conversations about modesty, trust, and privileges. We ended the school year with grades we felt did not represent Emily's full potential and this was hard for us parents. As the oldest, Emily, is constantly pushing Bret and I into new uncharted parenting situations that we have no idea how to handle. We constantly feel like we are failing as parents and at the same time doing the very best we can. Although this past year has been filled with new challenges we could not be more proud of the young woman she is becoming.

Dear Emily,

Your dad and I are so proud of you and the young woman you are becoming. I don't feel like we tell you that often enough. You, like your mother, are a people pleaser. I see that when you measure your success in the reaction from us, your parents. I see it when you have friends over or are planning your birthday in the hopes that your friends have a good time and really enjoy coming over to your house. There is nothing really wrong with this except one day you will realize how much energy and time you spend trying to make everyone happy which is not always possible. I keep trying to lift your head and heart upwards to the Lord. To open your ears and heart to seeing what truly pleases Him.

You work so hard in everything you do. At school I know things don't always just "click" like it does for some kids. I know that you pay attention and work hard and that when you still don't get the grades you hope for it is defeating. Hang in there kid. Hard work will pay off and we will figure out what will make things click for you. The study skills you are learning now will build a foundation of success in the future. Never give up and keep your head up, you are a smart girl that will go far in life.

There has never been moments where your dad and I have felt more proud to be your parent than seeing you compete in sports and athletics. When we went to Dallas and watched you nail your stunts in your cheer competition your joy and success was ours too. You were a star. This summer watching you compete in the triathlon was awesome. You were the first girl out of the pool and kept your head up even though you got way behind on the bike. When we saw you come around the corner during the run portion it brought tears to both your dad and I's eyes. You never gave up and pushed yourself so hard to catch up it was inspiring.

Sometimes I know that you feel less close to your dad than the boys but sports is where you connect to each other. He is so proud of you and can't wait to see what your future holds.

We love you so much (even your brothers) and are so excited for this next year. Remember you are young only once so please don't push things so hard to grow up. Live today for everything it is worth and stop wishing for tomorrow. Know that dad and I only want the best for you and are not trying to be mean when we say no to so many of things you want (like make-up!).

Much love,

Mama

One Month

2015-06-30T10:05:00.001-07:00

It has been a month since my dad died. I miss him everyday and I keep thinking I should call him since I haven't heard from him in a while. When I try to really grasp the concept that he is gone...really gone I can't breath.

On the Tuesday after Labor Day I got a call from the nursing home saying they were taking dad to the hospital to get him checked out. His oxygen level was low and he didn't look good. I knew right away that something wasn't OK. Dad had been in and out of the hospital a handful of times over the years but usually only during the night or on weekends. Not during the middle of a day when the nursing home or his doctor can handle most things.

The ER decided to admit him to the ICU. The nurse said that he was septic but they were still waiting on tests to figure out where the infection was and get it treated. He was awake and talking and they thought he looked OK. He is a high risk patient with his blood pressure, diabetes, weight, etc so the ICU was so that they could manage all those things.

I asked Bret if he thought things were serious and he never really had a solid answer. The general census was that things were OK but that they could be serious. I called my sister who lives three hours away and it took me several calls, texts, and messages on Facebook to get a hold of her. She was in the movies. I think that because I couldn't get a hold of her immediately by the time I did talk to her I was in a sort of panic with no explanation. Without me having to ask her or tell her what I thought my sister said "I am coming, right now". It was such a relief and I am so thankful that she did.
I called my brother and he said "call me if it gets serious". I called my aunt who was close to my dad and she got very upset and told me that we should think about what we would want to do for arrangements if it came to that. I remember thinking at the time that we were no where close to that point and it was very strange that she brought it up. I was very taken aback.

The doctor found that dad had a UTI and his blood tested positive for infection all though not the same strand. The antibiotics were working and he was looking and feeling much better. Katie, our spouses, and I spent a lot of time visiting and hanging out with dad on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. By Thursday they were discharging dad out of the ICU to the regular floor with plans to send him home Friday. Katie decided to head home on Thursday with plans to come back the following week once dad was back in the nursing home.

When Katie went to see dad on Thursday before heading home dad had lunch brought in. Shortly after he finished eating he started to get sick. Between coughing and throwing up his food dad started to choke and couldn't breath. Katie ran to the nurses station and got help. When she came back to grab her things from my house before leaving she told me about it and that it really scared her.

Dad had been having trouble keeping food down for over a month. His doctor thought a lot of it had to do with him eating lying down more recently. They were treating him for the nausea and vomiting and it was getting better. He was also making a point of getting out of bed into his wheel chair to eat more regularly too. At the hospital they decided to have him not get any more food until they did a swallow study to see if they could figure out what was going on.

I went to see him on Thursday night on the regular floor and he said he wasn't really hungry so he was fine. I had to leave because we were having the Emily's cheerleading team and their families over for an end of the year party that evening. I told him that I would bring the kids to see him the next day.

On Friday morning they took dad to get the swallow study done and found nothing. He was cranky at lunch so they brought him a tray.

Bret got home on Friday around 12:30 because the clinic is closed Friday afternoons. I spent the morning cleaning up from the night before and was getting the kids ready to go see dad after lunch. Bret and I were sitting in our room talking about our plans for the weekend when Bret got a call. Within a minute I got a call also. Dad had the same thing happen after eating his lunch and passed away.

It was such a shock. He was supposed to go home that day. I thought we had more time.

I have so many regrets, I wish I had done more, I miss him so much.

Everything that happened after felt like a whirlwind. Here we are a month later and it felt like yesterday.

My feelings and emotions are so complicated. Taking care of dad and being the only one here with him was hard and took up so much time. He was a complicated guy and sometimes we struggled with this new role in each others' lives. At the end of the day I know how much he loved me and I know that he knew how much I loved him. I pray that he is at peace.

What caused my dad's death could have happened at anytime at the nursing home. Instead he was sent to the hospital for something completely out of no where and unrelated. This hospital visit was a chance for my sister and I to spend some time with my dad before he died that we would never have gotten otherwise. I am considering it a gift and such a blessing to have those last few days. Everyday is a gift.

The love and support we received from our family and friends was overwhelming. The cards, texts, phone calls, flowers, memorials, meals, and prayers were so appreciated.

Best Books of 2014

2015-01-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

I love reading it is a passion of mine. Books are one of my favorite things. It took me a long time to get used to an e-reader and to grieve the loss of holding a book in my hands. More importantly it was so sad to not be able to pass a great book on to someone else. I wish sharing books on Kindle was easier and more readily available. Some of the best books are not lendable and that to me is so sad. I have my mom, Emily, and my mother-in-law set up on my kindle account so that they get all of the books that I read too. The one benefit of the kindle is that the electronic books are cheaper than buying a book in hard back so I no longer feel guilty for not waiting until a paperback comes out. Also Bret notices significantly less how many books I buy a year when they are not stacked up on my night stand.

As I think about my past year I can't help but think about some of the books I read. Some were amazing some not so great but even a bad book is better than no book. With out further ado here are my favorite books that I read (note they may not have been written this past year it was just when I read them) in 2014.

#10 Beautiful Disaster by Jamie McGuire. This was a typical love story about a good girl and bad boy who fall in love with each other and figure out that somehow they work and make each other better. I liked the characters in the book and felt they had chemistry. There are a couple books that come after this one that I have not read yet because they are the same story told from the other main characters point of view.

#9 Fly Away by Kristen Hannah is a sequel written several years later to the book Firefly Lane. I loved the first book and hoped that the second book would be as good. It was a good book and little sad but it wasn't quite as good as the first book. Maybe the story of adults and their real lives isn't as much fun as a couple of young teenage girlfriends who still think they could conquer the world. Reminded me a little of the famous movie Beaches and I kept thinking of those main character actresses as the characters for this book too.

#8 End of Days by Susan Ee is the third book in this series. I couldn't find a picture so I found the picture for the second book which I read this past year also. This book and a few others took me into the world of romantic fantasy for the first time (besides Twilight). This is a world is coming to an end and the angels are coming for a war. There is very little romance in these books so far but I like the chemistry and hope that maybe there will be romance yet to come.

#7 The Reckoning by Laura Falter is the final book in the Guardian Trilogy. Did I mention I read a lot of romance fantasy this summer? I also read a lot of trilogies and this was one of my favorites. I liked these books because they were about two angels that loved each other across centuries but were separated because of their obligation to protect innocents and fight demons. Their love was a great story and the sacrifices had you cheering for more.

#6 The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion is one of the few NY Time bestsellers that I read this past year. I read a lot of inexpensive and free books which kept me away from the top of the charts. This was one of the exceptions and I really liked this book. The story is about a guy who has Asperger's and he decides that his life would be better with a wife. So he makes a plan to find one and the whole time he is looking for the perfect candidate Rosie (who is completely wrong) is standing right beside him. While predictable the characters are funny and heartwarming.

#5 War Brides by Helen Bryan is a different look at WWII told from the eyes of the women left to do what they could for the war effort from home. I loved the stories they told about what they did to help and how everything was to support the men and the war. Sometimes I think we forget that every little bit helped and that everyone made sacrifices. I couldn't imagine staying home while my husband went off and not knowing if I would ever see him again. I found that I could see a little bit of myself in each of the girls and I laughed with them and cried with them during it all.

#4 Since You've Been Gone by Morgan Matson is an easy read about a girl whose best friend disappeared for the summer and she gets left with a check list of things to do. The mystery is fun and watching a girl come out of her shell and discover herself outside of the friendship was a light hearted read this past summer. I was never a girl who had a best girlfriend but I desperately wanted one so often. I loved that she realized so much about herself once forced to go it alone.

#3 Orphan Train by Christina Baker Kline is a book that I really enjoyed reading. Sometimes it is hard to realize that adoption has not always worked the way it does now. Kids were abandoned and were left with no family to care for and the way that people found them homes was fascinating to me. I loved the connection between the older woman and the young girl and the common ground they found despite the age difference.

#2 Outlander by Diana Gabaldon felt almost like a tie with first place and only because it's sequel was even better and was read in 2015 does it lose the tie. This book has been showing up on my recommended reading for over a year now and it took a TV series on Starz and a top review of said show to get me to finally sit down and read it. I loved it and am so relieved that there are many more. The story is about a woman who accidentally travels back in time to Highlands of Scotland. The main story line never caught my attention and it felt like a very slow start (like 150 pages into the book) before I started to even like the book. The romance that follows is what keeps the pages turning. The love is so passionate and the fighting between them so intense that you can't wait to figure out what happens next. Besides the love story my favorite part of these books is that you have no idea what is going to happen. Just when you think you know what is going to happen something else entirely happens instead.

#1 The One by Kiera Cass is the book that my mom read in one night and asked me if there was going to be one more. It was sad to see the conclusion to The Selection series. I am heartened to learn that she is writing another series that has some of the same characters involved. I told one friend that these books is like the Hunger Games meets the Bachelor. LOVED it!

Most of the books I read this past year were just OK with a few exceptions. I am looking forward to some new ones coming along in 2015. What were some of your favorite books of 2014?

Logan is 5!

2015-01-06T11:35:00.001-08:00

In the ten years that we have had children every now and then they turn an age that is harder or more surprising than other years for me. Logan turning five is one of those years.

Dear Logan,

You are five years old! That is quite an accomplishment and I know that this year will be one of your best. You told your dad and I that you are excited to turn five because that meant in the fall you will get to go to kindergarten all day. This means you will no longer have to eat lunch at home but at school, get to go to recess and play with Palmer, and go to church twice a week. I am so excited that you are excited and that you love school.

It makes me a little sad though. You were the first child that really got to stay home with me. Although I got a babysitter every now and then for the most part it was you and me until Easton came along. I will miss our quick trips to the store where instead of asking me how long it was going to take you asked how many things we needed to get and then you kept track.

You are the best story teller and you remember everything! We were a little worried starting preschool this year because you refused to work on learning your letters or practicing your writing at home. It did not take long for you to catch up at school and you have loved every minute of it.

We can all tell that you are a middle child. This past weekend on our family vacation you drove all of us crazy with your "my birthday, my rules" motto. It was so fun to see you having such a good time with Palmer and your cousin Greyson. I have still not figured out why you are not crazy about your little brother Easton. We have talked multiple times about how important being a big brother is and you adore your big brother Palmer but you want nothing to do with Easton and the two of you fight constantly.

I have to be completely honest with you bud, this was not our greatest year together. Although we made significant improvements in your desire to hit or tackle especially when you are mad we are still struggling with using the right words when you are upset. I can't tell you how many times you have told me that you hate me, that I am the worst mom EVER, and even though I know it is out of frustration and anger it still hurt. We are working on things.

Out of all four of my children you are the child that has me pleading to God for help, patience, understanding, and guidance. You are so strong willed and stubborn. You have a hard time getting along with other people put in charge of you (except your teachers surprisingly, although you told my 75 year old aunt to go home). You throw fits and go to bed hungry because you refuse to eat the food I cook for you. You tell me that I am a terrible cook and that you don't like anything I cook and would rather eat pizza always. You refuse to listen when you don't want to and can be mean to your siblings.

On the other hand you are best cudler and you love as fiercely as you are willful. You give the best kisses and your love language has always been touching. No matter how mad we are at each other we can heal everything but just sitting together usually with you on my lap. It seems like the only one with enough patience for you is Palmer.

On one my bad days as a mom I was so upset by all the mean and hateful things that you were saying I told you that I would be happy to pack your suitcase for you. When you asked me where you were going I told you I didn't care but you couldn't stay in my house if you didn't want me to be your mom anymore. After a few minutes thought you told me that you couldn't leave because Palmer would be sad and miss you. He is your safe place and your refuge and he loves you as much as you love him. Easton and Emily love you too but they don't understand you the way Palmer does.

I think the reason God made you so strong willed and stubborn is because he knew that you would need this tenacity to face the world with only one hand. You face every challenge and obstacle straight on with no fear or hesitancy. We signed you up for baseball this summer not sure how it would go. I almost died when at one of the first practices you were struggling with putting the glove in your arm and pulling the ball out to throw back to the other player. Not paying attention the coach yelled at you (not rudely) to hurry up and throw the ball back. You threw the ball back but not without yelling back at the coach "I only have one hand and am going as fast as I can!!". The coach I don't think had realized who he was telling to hurry up and felt awful but you never gave it another thought.

As you have gotten more involved with sports and with school I am reminded of a conversation I had with a pediatric hand specialist at the Shriners hospital in Philly only a month after you were born. The doctor there told us that your hand was amazing and that there wouldn't be anything you couldn't do. I was shocked and a little upset that he was so happy and that he wasn't seeing what I was seeing which was only what you were missing. This doctor knew what I didn't yet and that was that you had so much to be thankful for. The thumb you were born with lets your hand be completely functional and capable of anything.

The Lucky Fin Project organization has been such a great resource for all of us this year. I love that this organization has given you confidence by showing you the many kids around the world that have hands just like yours. It has helped us to find a name for it and given you the words to explain it to the many curious preschoolers. I love that you tell people that a famous boxer has only one hand, a girl that surfs only has one hand, and that a famous baseball pitcher only has one hand. I have seen in your eyes the encouragement that has given you.

Your dad and I and all of our family love you so much. You are such a cool little dude in glasses. I cannot wait to see what this next year will hold for you.

Love,

Mom

The Holidays

2014-12-19T14:46:00.000-08:00

Are you ready for Christmas? That seems to be the question that everyone is asking these days. The question is usually referring to whether you have all your presents bought and wrapped. Is your house decorated with lights and a tree? Have you finished your holiday baking and mailed your Christmas cards? Are we ready?

As a mom of four small children the question I am constantly trying to ask myself is that are we remembering what Christmas is really all about. Am I keeping enough focus on Christ and his coming? Is the nativity sets, the advent wreath, the many messages of scripture we display around our house and the traditions we keep to remember the season enough? Do we have room in our crazy, messy life for Him?

It is so easy to get wrapped up in buying gifts for the kids, nieces and nephews, brothers and sisters, parents, and the long list of coworkers, teachers, neighbors, and friends. Making sure we have a picture to put on our Christmas cards and getting them mailed out in a timely fashion. Hosting and going to Christmas parties. Baking the treats with my kids that Bret and I baked as children. Continuing the traditions of going out with PJ's on and looking at the lights and all of the many joyous parts that we considered our Christmas traditions.

We even try to focus on giving back by buying food and gifts for those less fortunate. Letting our kids take food and clothes in for their school food drives. Teaching them that to give is better than to receive. That they are so blessed in life and that some have so much less. That sharing is God's way and that we have a responsibility to those less fortunate. Still is it enough?

Logan and I were at the store looking for a mini tree skirt for a small tree in his room. He couldn't find one he liked and asked me "mom, isn't there one that says Happy Birthday Jesus?". The reason for the season.

I used to think I got it. I understood the nativity story and the birth of Christ and that this was really the reason we celebrated Christmas. The older I get and the more I study scripture the less I really feel like I know. More than ever I think about Mary. Having carried 4 kids of my own I think about her trust in God, her journey, and her faith that gave her such strength. Each of us as a mom worry about our babies and to know the scripture the way that she did and to know what was going to come for her precious baby boy. The example of Joseph and his love and obedience. His faithful service and trust. These are the examples of the parents I want us to be for our children. The love, joy, and faithfulness that the birth of Christ still is for us is something I awe at.

Every year I tell myself that we are going to go simpler this year. We are going to spend less, buy less, do less, and really focus on our faith. When Christmas is over I never feel like we have quite accomplished this. I can only hope that we are still moving in the right direction. That I am still teaching my children about God's love and the joy that Christ's birth brings to us.

I wish you all a very merry Christmas with much blessings.

Writing

2014-12-13T07:31:00.002-08:00

It has been so long since I wrote on here that I almost forgot the website to log on. That is terrible. Logan is now going to preschool three days a week and both he and Easton go to a mom's day out program for half a day on Fridays. I am once again starting to find myself with time without the kids. Next year Logan will go to all day kindergarten and it will just be me and Easton.

Sometimes when I hear "mom" ten thousand times a day and I am cleaning up the 50th mess of the day I can't wait. Other days I think about how all too soon all of my babies will be in school and then what.

As a stay at home mom the questions about what we are going to do with ourselves once all of our kids go back to school come flying from all directions. In fairness I remember when I first contemplated staying home at all and thought surely it would be temporary because what would I do with myself once they were all in school for the majority of the day.

It is a trying question to answer for myself more than for everyone else. I am lucky in that my husband wants me to be happy no matter what I decide to do and because we are financially stable enough that me working is not a necessity either. I know what a blessing both of those things are. It does open up possibilities that feel daunting. What do I want to do?

For now I wait and hope for inspiration and focus on the present. I have started writing a novel again and have a close friend with writing ambitions also. Everything that I have read said that even if you are not working on your book you should still be writing everyday. Remember when I used to do that? Yeah, me to.

Adriana

Update

2014-06-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I have written here. Seems kind of crazy because I have written a million posts in my head. I feel like something is missing when I stop writing. So here is a quick recap of what has been happening in my life lately and hopefully I will be back here much more regularly.

We are moved into the new house! We have all been super sick with the worst summer cold we have ever had. Moving when you are sick is not recommended but we are pushing through. We have been living in the house for a week now and although there are still plenty of boxes we are starting to settle in and we are pinching ourselves because this really is our dream.
Bret and I celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary and went to Mexico with friends. We had an amazing time and got lots of R&R by the beach. Minus a little gastro issues and family drama it was the best trip.
The kids are all doing great and keeping busy with swim team, golf, and swimming lessons. I feel like our summer is flying by way to fast. The oldest two kids made a summer bucket list and now that we are starting to settle into the new house I am ready to start tackling that list! However, I have thoroughly enjoyed our lazy afternoons at the pool.
MY SIL is expecting her second baby next month and I cannot wait.
I am feeling itchy about getting my new craft room up and going and starting some fun new projects.
I am taking a cooking class this whole summer that my husband bought me at a fundraiser. I have loved it so far and am learning a lot. My last class we learned how to make our own hollandaise sauce and pouched eggs to make eggs benedict. It was hard but fun.
I have started to say no much more often to volunteer opportunities. Last year I really started to feel very stretched and it was not fun anymore and taking time away from my family. I have truly committed to a few events/organizations and want to take more time for the kids and myself. I feel good about this but selfish at the same time. It is hard to make this transition but very necessary.

That is pretty much catching you up to date. I have a few back posts that I want to write (like Palmer's birthday, etc) and some posts about the house and our trip. Feels good to have a post written. Sometimes the beginning is the hardest part.

Happy New Year!

2014-01-09T09:46:00.000-08:00

Last year at this time I really set my goals for the year to focus on faith, family, friends, and fun. I think that I accomplished that a lot. However I am surprised in how much these focuses centered around just me. I feel like 2013 was year of personal growth for me in way I have never experience before.

I started doing more volunteering with my church and really spent some personal time praying the rosary and just praying in general. I made God and faith a big priority in my personal life and I cannot begin to tell you the joy and peace this has brought to me. I feel a hunger for my faith that is completely new and I am excited to continue my growth. As I continue on my own personal journey I can see in my husband and children their understanding and support. The kids are excited and are learning right along with me. Bret is still more supportive of me rather than wanting to move on his own growth in his personal faith. That is OK for now I will continue to pray for him and drag him along with me as I go.

Beside faith my health has become a bigger priority both physically and mentally. While I added a lot of new things in some areas I started cutting other things out. I said no to some volunteer activities and choose to spend more time at home with my kids. They are young for such a short time that I want to spend every moment I can with them. I feel less stressed when I give myself more time to clean up the house, cook meals, do laundry, and even the simple things like play with my kids and read to them more. I am happier with these changes.

Each year has been different and some years I was ready to see go. 2013 was a good year. We started building our house, took a trip just the two of us, and spent a lot of time as a family enjoying life. We are so blessed to be healthy and I hope that 2014 is a great year too.

When I think about my goals for 2014 I think I want to focus on just a couple things. I want to continue my personal growth and hope to be more generous to Bret with time and opportunites for him to experience this for himself too. Personally I want to work on being humble and having more patience. Neither of these two things are easy for me but I am hoping that trying to focus on them more and having them as personal goals will help and each tiny step is still a step in the right direction.

Happy New Year!

33

2014-01-09T09:37:00.000-08:00

Recently I celebrated my 33 birthday. When I think about this past year I think about how truly blessed I am. I am so humbled to have been given the amazing gifts from God in my children, husband, family, and friends.

Last week we all had a terrible stomach virus. It ran through one kid at a time and on Wednesday night I finally got it bad. I was up sick all night and Thursday morning I ran between the bathroom and trying to get my kids up and around for school. Sometimes when my kids need me the most like when they are really sick and they just want their mom to hold them I feel most humbled to be their mom. To know that you are so loved and needed is just such an honor that I sometimes forget. Palmer sat outside the door when I was getting sick and was really worried. He was worried first about me and if I was OK but also about who was going to take him to school. Logan took care of me all day bringing me water and crackers and asking me how I felt a million times. Each one of my children is so different from each other and they are each so very loved.

My husband and partner in crime is my greatest blessing. So much of who my children are come from him. We first started dating when I was 19. At the time so many people told us how young we were. So young to get married and even so young to start a family at 23. They were right we were so young and looking back I can see that now. However all these years later we love each other more than ever and even though we have had to grow up a lot together I could not choose anyone better to do so with.

We always knew that we would move home to Kansas when Bret finished residency. We are so close to our family and knew that we wanted the same for our kids. Having both of my parents so close by is such a gift. My kids miss my mom like crazy when they go longer than a week without seeing her. My sister and I are closer than ever and we are so thrilled that our kids are so close also.

They tell you that when you get married that it is important to have couple friends and to have friends period. When we moved to PA it was hard to make friends and we often times felt very alone. My favorite thing about living here in KS is the friends we have made. We have so much fun with them and they are such a great support. It was amazing when I had Easton that our church and community brought us meals for a month. I have friends that I know I could call at a moments notice and they would pick up my kids or watch them for me or help with however I might need it. You know they are real friends when they feel the same way and have called me for help to. It is such a strong community here and we feel so very blessed to be a part of it.