From The Compound

How big is your brave - Part 2

2014-02-15T20:04:00.002-06:00

Trevor and I started dating on February 17, 1995. We been together ever since. Our wedding anniversary is May 6, 2000. We have 2 amazing kids and have created a RICH and full life. But the life was only partly ours because every single day of the almost 19 years together, I had a secret. The secret was that inside I viewed this relationship as mine to screw up. Whatever happens - it's my fault. Unless it's something great - then it's just dumb luck. I repeatedly beat the crap out of myself for every single thing that wasn't perfect, and when stuff is pretty darn perfect - I just wait for the ceiling to crash down around me. I tried to keep Trevor in the dark from how messed up I was because I knew if I didn't it would all end. And it did...but not the way I'd been telling myself it would.

On February 12, 2014 something intervened and that's where that chapter ended. Quick and dirty and finished.

Let me start at the beginning of this story: on Tuesday afternoon - I went to the bank where my accounts were all near bare bones status. I got a little cash and drove all the way in Lancaster for Owen's wrestling match alone thinking about our empty accounts. I've dealt with our finances 100% on my own for the entire duration of our time together so this wasn't a totally new experience. But I haven't been really working in almost two and a half years so things are a bit different than before.

Now don't get me wrong - I've been working. I've done a bunch of photo shoots, I've done social media & consulting work for a number of companies, I coordinate the hell out of an amazing leadership program that I love, and I've mixed paint, cut keys, and talked shit to local carpet layers. All of which have been paying jobs. But I'm also kicking my ass all over the place for little or nothing - I co-wrote a book, raising almost $30,000 for our school district, I've spent 2 years on the school board sitting in endless meetings with disengaged board members who don't seem to respect my time, I've been asked to be part of committee after committee by people who are paid a lovely little salary with benefits just to be on committees.

So I watched Owen wrestle, took Owen to A&W after his meet, cringed (with shame and dread) as I paid the bill knowing fully well he have hardly any groceries in the fridge, drove home and when to bed. At about 2am, I woke in a complete and total panic. I couldn't even breathe. I needed help. I was so scared, I didn't know what I was going to do. We have no money, we have credit card debt, the kids need braces, the kids will want to go to college, the kids need to eat...my head was spinning! I didn't sleep another wink. I knew I needed help. I was still thinking I just need to get me head on straight about budgeting.

It still never really crossed my mind to tell Trevor, because I thought I knew what that meant. He would leave. He would finally realize we married a total worthless piece of shit who messed up his whole life and I would be alone with my kids and no job and nothing.

The minute the kids left for school Wednesday morning, I texted my uncle - the most money savvy person I know who I knew would love me unconditionally even when I had to admit I was in trouble. He was the only person I thought could help me. I wanted nothing but mentorship so I could figure this financial shit out once and for all. When he called me back I was a mess. He finally asked about Trevor and I, for the first time, expressed my fears out loud. Then he said words that changed my life. He said "Julie, that's not how a marriage works."

For the next 5 hours, I sobbed and prayed in the fetal position. I finally realized, after 14 years of being Trevor's wife, I was in real marriage - not in some insecure 17 year old girl's version of her parents crazy, poverty enabling divorce. It was the most frightening experience of my life. After another sob-filled phone call to a dear friend, I texted Trevor...and for the first time in 19 years I allowed him to be my partner in this marriage. A full partner by being completely (snot and tears streaming down my face) honest with him.

Poor guy got hit my a crazy train at 12:30 on a Wednesday afternoon and then had to go back to work.

And because I married the nicest guy in the whole freaking world - he handled it like a champ. Hours later as my tears dried up and the kids arrived home from school, I could feel the freedom that comes from letting go of shame. I could breathe deep again, rather than the shallow, panicky gasps I'd become familiar with. It was during those deep breaths that I could see that the situation was not that bad, that we had options, that we'd get through this just fine.

As Trevor left for bowling that evening, I went to my coat pocket to give him the rest of the cash I had left over from the night before at A&W. I knew I had some singles, a five and a twenty dollar bill left. All I could find was the five and a couple of ones. My calm breaths started to shorten and feel constricted again. The shame and worthless feelings and tears came flooding back. Once again, I was the moron who could lose $20 when it felt like the last $20 we had. Trevor gave me a hug and told me it would be fine, and I actually believed him this time because I knew I wasn't expected to deal with mistakes and misfortunes alone. This was a marriage - we handle missing 20s, credit card debt, and everything else TOGETHER! It felt good. Like the pressure cooker had been turned off. I slept like a rock that night, and in the morning on my way to a meeting I found this laying on the floor in my garage.

I literally looked up at the unfinished garage ceiling and thanked the universe for my wonderfully messy and perfectly imperfect life. Like this chapter of my life - this blog ends here - I'm ready for a fresh start! I hope you can continue to follow me at my new blog: I Am George Bailey

Signing off,

Julie - From The Compound.

How big is your brave? Daring Greatly on steroids.

2014-02-12T14:52:00.003-06:00

Shit just got real up in here. Like really REAL. Real as in - texting your husband home to lunch to drop the ultimate bomb on him. And no that's not some kind of weird nooner.

The bomb = We are struggling financially. Our bills are getting paid(ish). Ish meaning we use our credit card when we need to pay for things like dental work, gas, the portion of our taxes that we don't have in savings anymore, you know the extras...oh and groceries. We are able to pay our credit cards, but damn, not much more than the monthly minimum. Struggling.

This is a bomb I'm dropping because for the last 14 years of marriage and even a few years before, I've taken care of this kind of stuff, and I was pretty good at it so Trevor just left it to me. But I'm also really good at harboring massive amounts of shame, and when the pressure (working for peanuts, donating time, energy, and resources to others, increasing demands) is on I tend to retreat into the dark place where shame flourishes.

I just put on a smile, eat elephant size portions of sugar or carbs, and sit through another meeting wishing I was brave enough to just leave and face my own truth. I believed I couldn't tell Trevor because that would give him the reason he needed to leave me and I'd be alone...with nothing...and it would be all my fault. That's the shame record that played over and over again in my head. It was paralyzing.

Until today. Today I called on my courage, and stepped into the light that comes with truth and vulnerability, and blind-sided shame. It was awful, not because my fears were real, but because I am being real - like standing in public naked REAL! I'm totally exhausted. Worn out. I have what Brene Brown calls a Vulnerability Hangover - complete with a monster headache. I keep listening to Sara Bareilles sing Brave and can't stop crying like a baby. Today I dared greatly. The credit card debt is the same, but my brave balance is at an all time high, and if you are reading this I showed just how big my brave is by actually publishing this.

"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy-the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." -Brene Brown

Bloggers Challenge.

2014-01-11T16:10:00.001-06:00

I wasn't totally sure I really needed this blogger's challenge, but then I logged into my blog and realized I was still rockin' a 2013 masthead, and haven't blogged since November 1st. Jesus...I need more than a challenge - I need a blogger intervention.

Here's what I imagine that would look like, some amazing blogger like Dooce or Rachel Devine would show up at my door, and offer me a free MacBook and a 6 month retreat if I was willing to leave my unblogging life behind immediately to get my shit together. Umm, lemme think. YES!

Anyway, since Rachel isn't leaving summertime down under to come motivate my ass in frigid Wisconsin, I will take my friend's challenge seriously. Missy over at Mrs. Emler Thinks & @MelissaEmler on twitter is an old friend who I consider one of the smartest educators I know. She is one of my go to people when I need a different perspective on school board issues or education in general. Her insights have always been thoughtful, honest, and based on her ~~extensive~~ (Wait! We are the same age - we don't have extensive experience with anything - we are far too young!) limited experience.

Here are the rules to Missy's bloggers challenge: 1) Acknowledge the nominating blogger. 2) Share 11 facts about yourself. 3) Answer the 11 questions the nominating blogger has created for you. 4) List 11 bloggers. 5) Post 11 questions for the bloggers you nominate to answer, and let all the bloggers know they’ve been nominated. Don’t nominate a blogger who has nominated you.

11 facts about yourself:

I don't know for sure when my dad's birthday is. It's either the 28th or 29th of January. My parent's anniversary was the 28th or 29th of January too, but they've been divorced for almost 20 years. For whatever reason I cannot keep them straight!
I feel very insecure when typing an email or a blog post. I get all up in my head because I'm afraid I'm going to type something wrong and look stupid. I have a tendency to go back and reread like 6 times and each time I add things or change words or phrases around. More often than not I reread it again after I send or publish it, and realize that the adding & changing actually messed up the original message rather than clarifying. This is part of why I blog less than before. This anxiety makes putting a post together a really long and frustrating process. I'm working on it.
My favorite number is 17.
My husband is a plumber, and has pretty much known he was going to be a plumber his whole life. I still don't know what I'm going to be when I grow up.
Two weeks ago my mom went to the hospital by ambulance. Once I heard she was fine, I didn't feel the need to call her. She didn't call me to give me more information either. She did text a week later wondering if I wanted some inexpensive cheese. Which I didn't - because she brought me a 6.28 pound wheel of baby Swiss for Christmas. This is a pretty typical interaction between me and my mom.
I only recently found out I like baby Swiss.
Coffee with half & half is not the same as coffee with milk - nice try!
We have a 1 year old dog named Buster. I totally crush on him whenever I don't want to kill him.
Trevor and I have been together for 19 years, on February 17th. Holy hell.
I could watch TED talks all day long.
I like my meat prepared medium rare.

11 questions from Missy:

1. What is your favorite knock knock joke?

Knock, Knock. Who's There? Duane. Duane Who? Duane the bathtub - I'm drowning.

2. Why is your best friend your best friend?

It's hard to really put into words because for me the strongest sense of real friendship is how that person makes me feel. I have a couple of friends who are my best friends because my gut has been telling me so for years. Who am I to question that or try to explain it?

3. What is the most important quality a teacher should have?

The ability to admit they don't know all the answers without feeling the need to apologize for that. Teachers shouldn't have all the answers!

4. How long does it take you to get out of the house each morning?

About 90 minutes.

5. What kind of vehicle do you drive? Why?

2005 Ford Focus. Because that's what you're supposed to do with vehicles.

6. Tables or desks?

Tables.

7. What was the best professional development experience you have ever had?

UW Extension's Multicultural Awareness Training. It came during my life's perfect storm and it was truly transformational. It also lead to going to New Orleans 8 months later for an Immersion Experience which did the same exact thing. I've been very lucky to have had some amazing professional development experiences that changed me to my core. I left them a better person not just a better professional.

8. What annoys you more than anything else?

People who are stuck. They are usually either too afraid or stubborn to see that they are stuck in a bad or dysfunctional place. They read from the same "life script" over and over getting the same results, but internally hoping for something else. That's hard to tolerate. There are times when I'm that person too, and I get equally annoyed with myself.

9. How do people know you love them?

Because I try to make them laugh. If i'm joking around with you - I like you. If I'm all business around you or you've never heard me say the F word, it's safe to say, we aren't that close or I probably don't trust you.

10. Where were you on 9/11/01?

I I was pregnant with Owen sitting in a recliner watching the Today Show before going to work at the Family Resource Center of Iowa County. I didn't have to be there until noon that day. I remember being very confused because the news anchors were acting all weird.

11. How well can you juggle?

Balls - not at all. Life - I'm doing alright.

11 9 bloggers I want to know more about or see more interesting stuff from are:

Post 11 questions for the bloggers you nominate to answer:

Ice water or just cold water?
What is one thing you know for sure?
What is your favorite outdoor activity?
What is the last concert you've been to?
Your shopping preference - online or in person?
Name two females you consider great leaders?
If you could have 500 pounds of anything what would it be?
When you hear the word "home" what city, town, place, etc. comes to mind?
Name three places in the US you've not been to yet, but are dying to go to.
Name your favorite book of all time.
What is the biggest motivator or barrier when it comes to blogging?

Who's taking bets on my next blogging date?

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

2013-11-01T13:12:00.002-05:00

Who's celebrating November 1st with me? So what's there to celebrate, you ask? November 1st, that's what!

November 1st kicks-off Christmas music season. This is a hard & fast rule established in the 1980's by my mother. As soon as the Halloween candy was gone (which with 6 unruly kids was actually October 31st at about 8:12pm), she would start simmering gaggy holiday scented potpourri & crank Elvis and Bing Crosby on the radio. (Or tape deck or record player...this part of the memory was erased by the annual 3 month migraine induced by the overwhelming scent of clove. gag!)

I have to admit as annoying as this tradition was as a kid, I have fully embraced it as an adult. Although it's probably a bit more tolerable for my kids....with the invention of internet radio and Yankee Candles they can enjoy a little variety with my holiday sounds & smells.

To get this celebration started I wanted to share some great holiday songs with you. This way you can add them to your internet station & listen to them continuously for the next 53 days 11 hours 18 minutes and 8 seconds! You're welcome.

O' Little Town Of Bethlehem - Johnny Mathis
The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year - Andy Williams
All I Want For Christmas Is You - Michael Buble
Don't They Know It's Christmas - Band Aid
Joy To The World - The American Boychoir
Christmas Canon - Trans-Siberian Orchestra
Fairytale Of New York - The Pogues
Happy Christmas - John Lennon
Blue Christmas - Elvis Presley
Jolly Old St. Nick - Ray Conniff
Face of Love - Jewel (On her holiday album, but not Christmasy. We had this song in our wedding.)
Someday At Christmas - Stevie Wonder

And as a bonus, I'm sharing this hilarious article about potpourri. I found it while stealing the potpourri photo above. Win/Win - this is the best November 1st ever!

Now back to the music.

The Thing About Honesty.

2013-08-21T07:46:00.000-05:00

Being brutally honest about your personal struggles on a blog that people read is a double edge sword. On one hand, it's cathartic. I felt a huge release. For so long, it's been like trying to lift a heavy anchor from the bottom of the sea, but finally I was able to leave it and come up for air. Torpedoing through the surface of the water, I was able to breathe deeply again. I felt more alive mere moments after putting it all out there. At dinner the evening I wrote the post, I remember really laughing with the kids and Trevor. Internally my reaction was noticeably different - it was like I actually felt the joy that went with the laughter. It was real! I hadn't felt that in years...seriously YEARS! An almost immediate positive reaction just by saying the words out loud...on the blog.

On the other hand, it's unnerving to have some of my friends and neighbors act differently around me. Most people are super supportive, but I wasn't quite prepared for unexpected hugs at funerals, baseball games & meetings or the repeated "No, how are you?!" when my first response to the same question is "Good!"

There are a few people who've been literally startled when they see me. Their facial expressions scream, "Oh shit, it's Julie! WTF am I supposed to say to her now?" My post has ruined small talk for these people. I feel bad too because I hate when I run into a crazy person and have no idea what to say to them. That's the worst!

Then I wonder about the conversation going on in their heads when they see me: "I wonder if I annoy her?...."I'm not going say anything to her then I won't be annoying."...."She's right - those pants don't fit!"

Then I love to hypothetically reply with shit like: "Yes-you annoy me!"....."Nope- even in awkward silence you're still annoying."......."Watch it bitch or I will stress eat your child!"

Making up conversations and replying to them - that doesn't sound crazy at all!

Today's Free Advice...

2013-08-13T10:57:00.000-05:00

DO NOT drink a ginormous iced coffee at 5:45pm to prepare yourself for a 5 hour school board meeting unless you know for sure the aforementioned school board meeting will actually be 5 hours long.

Actually, it was a room temperature coffee because the ice maker on the ol' SubZero has decided to stop producing ice....like a bitch. Also this advice seems to apply only to school board members, but the lesson is really universal so if you're not a school board member ~~because~~ ~~you're smart~~ replace the words 'school board' with whatever meetings you go to.

This is a good lesson because sometimes meetings only go 2.5 hours and you come home wide awake. Which would have worked out well because when you left the house it looked like this...

But because your husband is AWESOME (and he's the guy who dumped all they camping stuff in the kitchen) he cleaned up the mess so you had a little free time after the meeting. Doesn't seem like such a big deal, right? Well, this is where too much caffeine ruins your life.

Trevor and I decided to watch a movie on Netflix. Usually if we start a movie at 8:45 p.m. one of us is fast asleep by 8:52. We assumed Trevor would be the first to fall asleep, since I was amped up, so I picked the movie.

A little background on how I typically pick movies using Netflix.

After a title pops up, I look at:

1. The cast - if I like the actors, I usually like the movie.

2. The synopsis - If the summary seems to mesh with who's in the cast, I will continue to consider it.

3. The genre - I like a little of everything - except creepy thrillers. I hate Silence of the Lambs type shit.

4. The ratings - some of my favorite movies got terrible ratings so I give that little consideration.

And really that's all I have to go on because we see no movie trailers or ads because we do not have live T.V.

Here was a bit of my thought process last night.

hhmm..the Paperboy...maybe Drew Sonsalla is in this...

wait a minute...Zac Efron=HOT, Matthew McConaughey=HOT, John Cusack=LOVE HIM, and Macy Gray=TOTALLY DIG HER MUSIC.

...that sounds interesting...Matt McConaughey always searching for social justice - love that about him...Cusack is probably the awkward brother who falls for the mysterious girl, again...

...okay no thriller mention so it shouldn't scare the complete shit out of me...or make me grossed out by any of these actors in the future after someone eats another human...or throws j¡z in their face...

...what the hell 2.75 stars...really?...I'd give Zac Efron 3 stars for just watching this movie...critics are such tools...screw it...I bet it's fine.

At this point Trevor says, "It doesn't even have 3 stars!" I ignored him and pressed play.

107 minutes later...

Let's start with the good news - I stayed awake for the whole movie!

Now the bad news - I stayed awake for the whole movie!

I stayed awake from the interesting beginning until the awful end.

I stayed awake long enough to see Nicole Kidman give a disturbing b.j. in a prison scene - no j¡z in her face....but it was there.

I stayed awake long enough to see Matt McConaughey get beaten to a bloody pulp and later murdered.

I stayed awake long enough to see John Cusack look like this....

and this...

I even stayed awake 2 hours after it was all over too! I laid in bed freaking out that some swamp-living hillbilly was coming to murder me and take my kids back to the bayou with him.

So I repeat:

Standing Tall Together

2013-08-08T19:12:00.003-05:00

My last post made quite an impression...on me. I have been completely overwhelmed by the influx of messages via email, text and Facebook. So many people privately reaching out to support me - I appreciate each and every one of your kind words.

Although, I expected some feedback, the sheer quantity of responses was unbelievably moving. Even more unexpected was the sentiment that many (and I mean MANY) other women have had or are having very similar experiences. The messages I received validated for me that I am not alone. Just like my post did for so many of you. I'm forever touched that my need to just get something off my chest resonated with those of you struggling to do the very same thing. Thank you!

"The two most powerful words when we're in struggle - me too." -Brené Brown

Living in the Limestone

2013-08-05T17:46:00.001-05:00

I've struggled with depression for a long time. When I had "good" insurance, I took crazy meds and went to therapy to help me stay focused and calm. I've never been suicidal or unable to get out of bed for weeks at a time. My crazy looks different and far less...well crazy. I get pissed very easily, I scream cuss words, I shower less than normal. It's official, my depressive episodes turn me into a pirate. Without all the rum drinking scallywags because when I get this way I don't have real fun with my friends - their quirky personalities, that I usually find endearing, just annoy the hell out of me. I get the mad kind of crazy, not the crazy kind of crazy.

Annoyed seems like a more accurate description than depressed. My kids annoy me...literally the sound of their fun-loving screamy, laughs makes my head spin around. My husband's innocent questions or playful jokes drive me batshit. At times, my neighbors lack of boundaries make me so mad I have a hard time being rational. Even my siblings, who I normally tolerate more than just about anyone in the world, seem flakier than ever. Don't even get me started on people like...my parents, pretty much anyone who has anything to do with the school or school board, irritating coaches, incompetent HR personnel, and creatives who are not creative! Not to mention people who are needy, pushy, loud, quiet, narcissist, sensitive, old, young, conservatives, liberals - I think you get the picture, right? Everyone annoys me. Including and probably worse than anyone else - I annoy myself. All day and all night I beat the crap out of myself for all the annoying things I do or have done or will probably do or will never in a million years do. I think I could forgive anybody for just about anything...as long as it's not me.

About 4 weeks ago I hit rock bottom. The writing was on the wall for the last few years so I wasn't surprised when it finally happened. My tolerance of people and situations had gotten consistently less functional. I haven't taken crazy meds for a long time, seen my therapist in a long time, or contributed financially to my household in a long time. I had little or no motivation to do much of anything productive. I was not taking care of myself, and I wasn't really talking about it either. I was unconsciously hoping that some tectonic plates somewhere would shift and the bottom would drop out. I wouldn't be better, but I wouldn't have to face the madness yet either. No such luck. People die, teeth need braces, pants don't fit, taxes are due, positions get filled, people disappoint, puppies chew, kids scream, husbands joke....and then there it is...life in the limestone.

So I've been doing some rock climbing. Some days are good and some days suck. I'm still not taking crazy meds, seeing my therapist, or chucking money into an IRA, but I'm saying out loud that I struggle with madness. I'm being open with my kids, husband and friends. I am purging. I am writing. I am living in the limestone trying to find my way to higher ground.

Perfection - UNCUT

2013-08-02T09:24:00.002-05:00

Hello............Hello.................hello..................lo

I have been blogless for far, far too long. I want to write each and everyday, but I have a block. Not the typical writer's block from the movies where the author stares for hours at the typewriter all set to go holding a sheet of typing paper with the lonely words CHAPTER ONE at the top, and finally out of frustration the writer flings his heavy, old typewriter out the window into the front yard.

I can write. I vandalize the hell out of my journals. I mull over in my head clever posts about stupid shit I do or the stupid shit others say or do. I even sit and type them up once in a while...and then I delete it. My writer's block is best described as writer's delete to avoid writer's remorse. It sucks because I like writing and I know that people like reading my posts. I'm not sure what changed or why I'm afraid to publish what I'm thinking but it's become sort of a problem.

It's been manageable because I've really mastered micro-blogging using Instagram. Quickly share a photo and a thought. But recently I discovered (was told) what I'm missing - the realness. My Instagram posts seem very Kelle Hampton perfect. Although there are many parts of my life here at The Compound that are absolutely ideal; there is a whole unseen dysfunction that pretty much dominates my existence. Last night I took a look at my Instagram feed and decided to give you a deeper look at the perfection I portray:

Beer at the Lake House.

I enjoyed this beer at my friend Sarah's house one night because I had to get away from my husband's asinine questions about anything and everything. Trevor is a great provider and I love him with all my heart, but he's a 35 year old man child. Should I start the grill now? Do we have any band-aids? How do I restart the modem? Jesus Christ, man - figure it out!!!

Lafayette County Relay for Life.

This year my friend lost her 58 year old dad from cancer 2 days before this great event. The same event that for the last few years I've been blowing off for baseball games or weddings but mainly just because it was a pain in my ass. I'm an asshole!

Dog Hair and White Trim

This was the first time I scrubbed my master bath's floor in longer than I can remember. It was disgusting and gross and I should be ashamed.

A Beautiful Morning

This lovely view is a wide angle view of life here at The Compound. What you cannot see are the giant weeds growing in the bark that I don't have time to pull because I am sitting on my patio checking out social media from my phone. Which by the way is a permanent fixture in my hand. I hold my iPhone more than I hold my kids or husband's hands. To be completely real, there are days that I look more lovingly at my phone than my family. How's that for real?

Cracker Stackers

I interviewed for job a couple of weeks ago. From the second I got home from the interview until last Wednesday I was totally consumed by whether or not I got the job. For days I obsessed by either double checking my phone or playing the interview over and over and over in my head. When I am stressed like that I eat. I wish I only ate beautiful things like Cracker Stackers, but I don't. I eat whatever I can get my hands on. Some people drink, some people cheat, some people gamble, I eat! The stress and emotional eating then leads to serious self-loathing which leads to even more stress and crazy, and more eating. Fun times huh?

(By the way, It's been 16 days and I've heard nothing about the job. I stopped stress eating about it when I started thinking about the possibility of working for a another company that doesn't follow through on what they tell people.)

Maxipad Pedicure

For the person who wondered if my life is really as ideal as my Instagram feed lets on...you must have missed this one.

The Best Gifts

2013-06-18T16:43:00.002-05:00

I think I've put my finger on what I consider to be the best birthday gifts to receive. The best gifts have 2 key components. They are functional & thoughtful. They are not just taking up space or collecting dust, and the gift-giver put some thought and/or elbow grease into the gift.

These towels from Trevor's grandma are a perfect example. They are useful (although I plan to frame them) and handmade with such adorable pictures and sayings. I adore the sweet simplicity of them.

Things 36 Year Olds Know...

2013-06-17T06:30:00.000-05:00

1. Homemade rhubarb pie with ice cream is by far better than most birthday cake. Especially when Sophia jams 9 mismatched candles into each piece of pie.

2. Dogs are gross a-holes that eat new flip-flops, don't listen worth a shit and drive me freakin' crazy, but damn they are cute as hell.

3. Watching your parents struggle with the consequences of a lifetime of bad choices is painful. Realizing I repeatedly make some of those very same choices is frightening.

4. I am lucky every single day to be living in this beautiful place.

5. Leadership starts with the stories, and the stories start with vulnerability.

6. It's never too late to just let go and become who we are supposed to become.

7. Lifelong learning is the only goal.

8. Your time is no more valuable than anyone elses! When you act like it is, you're acting like a dick.

9. Being fully present allows you to see the amazing details.

Why I Love It Here.

2013-04-09T13:19:00.002-05:00

I love Mineral Point. Just outside of The Compound is the lovely little city that I adore. I sometimes wonder if it's even natural be this fond of a city - especially one in rural Wisconsin. I mean it makes sense to rant and rave about beautiful places like Paris or Rome, but Mineral Point? Come on, Julie - get over it.

No. I won't. I absolutely love it. Not because it's completely prefect. It has it's run down buildings and tacky houses. There is dog poop in the park and gossip in the shops. There are names that seem to hold more weight than others, and off-base opinions that are shared as truths.

Yes, these unflattering attributes make Mineral Point seem like every other small city in America. But when you push all that aside you start to see the faces. The most interesting people with the interesting stories. That's right, it's actually the people in Mineral Point, not the city itself, that make me all aflutter. Especially the people who are willing to put themselves out there. People who run for offices, open businesses, volunteer for committees, believe in compassion vs. competition, contribute to something they don't directly benefit from, and listen for the sole purpose of learning.

These people are the reason I love Mineral Point. The relationships I've built in Mineral Point make it easy to overlook the poop on my shoe or the insulting email directed at certain member of the school board. These minor withdrawals are quickly made whole again when I contribute photos to High Street Beat, participate in events like the Brain Games, or work with the staff & customers at Mitchell's. Interacting with unique citizens allows me to bank major LOVE deposits. Love deposits? Sound like it could be some kind of code for you know what.

So look, Mineral Point, you're great, but my heart goes pitter-patter for the people who live in the city just outside of The Compound. It's not You...it's THEM.

A recycled post for Good Friday.

2013-03-29T08:27:00.000-05:00

Good Friday...well now it is.
(originally posted on 4.22.2011)

No school today so the kid and I slept in. That would be me and Sophia-who much like me, is a gifted sleeper. Poor Owen has other less useful gifts, like reading at a high-school level and a photographic memory.

So when Sophia and I finally rolled out of bed at 9 o'clock, I was feeling great. Another beautiful day filled with cloud cover, misty drizzle and cold temperatures.

(I just have to say something here ...who ever pissed Mother Nature off, could you please just apologize to her, I mean it's Earth Day for God's sake. Make amends so she will stop torturing the rest of us with this weird weather. I'm guessing it was some moron who was all like, "I don't believe in Global Warming"- but that's just a hunch I have.)

I go downstairs ready to dive into a fun day of laundry and playing Memory until I want to blow my brains out. First things first though, I go to the counter and open the egg basket cookie jar, where I keep my coffee making supplies, and guess what? No frickin' filters....SERIOUSLY!

Well, here is one of the great things about living in The Compound, I can make my kids run to Grandma's house and bat their eyes for things like eggs, milk, chicken gumbo soup, and babysitters. Since Owen had been dressed since like 5:40 this morning and was dying to do something I asked him to go, and this is the reaction I got from him.

I'm not kidding! So I gently placed my camera in a safe spot and wrestled the gun from his puny fingers and asked him sweetly (at gun point) to go to Grandma's General Store for a coffee filter. Which he did without hesitation (at gun point).

Tah-dah! Not just one filter, but a couple of weeks worth. Thanks Grandma Margie, and thank you Dunkin' Donuts Hazelnut for making this a Good Friday after all.

Freckle Friday - Time Well Spent

2013-02-08T13:48:00.000-06:00

This week has left me inspired to look at the big picture more often. No matter how busy life at The Compound is or how much I worry about the little things in my head, I'm just one little person in a great big world. We have very little time here on earth and even less control - so if we spend all our precious moments freaking out about the little stuff it will all be for nothing.

The puppy still pees, the snow still falls, and the sun still rises. I don't need to shoulder all the burden because it's not mine. I must focus on my intentions and actions then LET GO, because the rest is out of my hands.

This week was full of things. Emails, dog urine, board & committee meetings, photo shoots, school tours, book pick-ups, fundraisers, travel, and lots of precipitation. When I quickly summarize my days with 'things' they just seems like periods of wasted time. It's only when I see those days through a human lens that I realize my time is being well spent. So let's try this again....my week was full of:

New babies & big sisters

William Wallace & Hanky Bo Banky

A snappy dresser & BustaRhymes

Busy middle school students

Creative high school students

Dedicated & hard-working teachers

Excited elementary students

Tireless volunteers and committed parents

Friends new & old who I can laugh with at magazines photo shoots, when someone says "Tutoring" 18 times too many, and when we recall a hilarious yeast infection story...I mean really aren't all yeast infection stories hilarious?

Winter walks

The week's highlight was hearing yesterday that over 100 leaders from 3 area counties representing a variety of different agencies came to one major conclusion after months of planning, surveying, and analyzing - if we want to our organizations, companies or communities to flourish the key is developing trusting relationships & networks with other people.

Just hearing those words made things full circle for me. The power of relationships is one of the few things I've come to know as an absolute truth in the last few years, and I've been repeating that gospel to anyone who will listen. I firmly believe my purpose in life is to help other people and organizations, who are ready to understand & implement that truth, be successful.

Now the work begins.

"What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us."

Henry David Thoreau

Wishing Away Wisconsin

2013-02-04T06:42:00.000-06:00

It's about the time of the year when I start daydreaming about warmer weather. Here in Wisconsin the fun holidays are over, our damp snow pants are smelly, my flaky skin is itchier than ever, and the only predictable thing about the weather is that it's totally unpredictable. I bet February & March in Wisconsin are similar to climbing the last leg of Mt. Everest. The end doesn't seem to be getting any closer, your lips are chapped beyond repair, and you fantasize about leaving your annoying tent-mates for dead in a snowdrift.

As proof the internet makes small, non-problem problems seem completely unbearable - two of my favorite photo life bloggers, Kelle Hampton & Rachel Devine, constantly share the most amazing photos of their adorably tanned children, playing on beaches and picking oranges straight from the tree, while swinging from a hammock in the middle of flipping January. It's more than I can handle. I want summer, I want it now, and I want it for 51 weeks a year. Christmas Eve to New Years Eve is all yours, Mother Nature.

Then I go outside. I turn my pale face toward the sun and breathe in the cold air and remember there is a reason for this season. The long-drawn-out winter is a necessary part of the journey. The payoff comes in the spring when you make it through. And I realize that if I focus only on the itchy, smelly, unpredictable parts of the journey - I'll miss these...

Ice skating on the patio

Snowshoeing with Busta

Warming up inside

Happy Monday from the summit.

Freckle Friday :: I Gotta Ask, "Why?"

2013-02-01T20:44:00.000-06:00

It's been a busy week here in The Compound. Lots of puppy potty-clean-up & Wisconsin-winter-weather rescheduling. One of those weeks where you feel a bit pulled in every direction. Amid the daily nuttiness, I spent a lot of time reflecting on what I heard at the State School Board Convention last week. I reread and typed all of my notes in the hope that most of the knowledge with sink deep into an open space in my brain and make me a satisfied board member. One who is patient, thoughtful and synergistic, yet effective, accountable and tenacious....but most of all, happy. (Good Lord - I'm having a comma meltdown right now.) I want to be happy with my decision to spend time away from my kids and real life to be a school board member. I want to be content not cynical. I want to be fulfilled not frustrated. I want to believe we are all in this together.

There were no scheduled board or committee meetings this week. So, lucky for me, I didn't formally have much school board work to do. This was what my 'easy' school board week looked like:

Spent time reviewing convention notes, looking at handouts, & considering how I can present the information to other board members.
Observed & participated in the MS/HS lunch process.
Visited other districts websites as research for a policy I'm responsible for finishing by Wednesday.
Chatted about take aways from the convention with another board member.
Read & responded to emails.
Followed two education-related Twitter chats.
Listened to (and hopefully reassured) a frustrated community member.
Wrote 3 school board related thank you notes.

I'm not writing about this for a pat on the back or to challenge other board members. I blog because it's how I deal with challenges that emerge in my life. I like to lay it all out on the table, examine the information, and get a feeling in my gut. Once I know the how or why - I try to release the negative, embrace the positive, and Let Go! I truly believe there's a good reason why I'm on this school board during this time & space, but I haven't quite figured it out yet. Blogging thoughts is part of my process as I try to wrap my head around why I became a school board member and how my time on the board is going to be spent. Safe bet this will not be my last school board related post...

Speaking of wrapping heads around things: It's FRECKLE FRIDAY & my goofy kids used the iPad to make about 200 crazy head wrapping photos. We all pretty much laugh the whole time they create these creepy gems! I think it's obvious why...

Do you like my new school board head shot? I'm thinking this will help achieve my "One Term & Done" goal. What do you think?

Introducing Local Lovelies.

2013-01-30T11:11:00.002-06:00

It is a great joy to live in a place you love. Yes, I'm smitten with my cozy house, but also the wonderful little city of Mineral Point. Mineral Point has the most fabulous vibe - if you look for it.

One can get up, go to work and come home and completely miss the loveliness of the local businesses or the local characters who make this area so special. I know lots of people who have lived here for years who fail to see the greatness that waits around every corner. Recently I really began to understanding the power of local. I want to play a role in keeping Mineral Point vibrant by promoting the great things we have right here.

Introducing From The Compound's Local Lovelies posts. Local Lovelies are new businesses are waiting to be discovered. Others are old business who have been promoting this "shop local" thing long before it was cool, or online businesses that need a way to share their creativity with the world.

Local Lovelies is a beneficial venture that will offer area businesses a new way to market their products and services, From The Compound readers will have an opportunity to get product information & special online discounts, and I will be able to spend time doing what I love - telling stories with photos & building relationships in order to make Mineral Point even better than it is today.

Speaking of today-It's a beautiful day here in southwest Wisconsin. The snow is falling, the schools are closed, and the Super Snacks for Super Kids fundraiser in Fond Du Lac has been postponed a week.

It's a great day for wintery Wisconsin photos. I love taking my camera outside to capture these blustery days. Sled rides, snowman building and even puppies pooping all look better with a fresh new background of snow.

This leads me to my first Local Lovelies post: Ann Gorgen Photography. Ann started her local business a few years ago after a friend asked her to try senior pictures.

"I did, reluctantly, with the understanding that if they suck I wouldn't be offended when they told me so. Well, that was the beginning! I've long since traded in my point and shoot camera. The rest.... as they say... is history."

Ann has been taking beautiful photos of seniors, kids, families, head shots, and weddings ever since. Ann's amazing wedding photography is just one reason why Mineral Point is becoming a charming destination spot for couples looking for a unique wedding venue. Ann Gorgen Photography has been voted Iowa County's Favorite Photographer 2 years running and there seems to be no end in sight.

This photo of her gorgeous daughter, Lexie, has her itching to do more winter portraits during the snowy & cold off season here in Wisconsin. Lucky for you - you can hire Ann to brave the elements and take lovely photos of your family while you sit back and relax. Contact Ann soon before the winter white backdrop melts away.

Ann Gorgen Photography is excited to offer

$50 winter sessions

BEAUTIFUL WINTER LOCATIONS

15 minutes in the cold

5-15 photos posted in your online gallery

Order your favorites a la cart

Let me know what you think of Local Lovelies in the comment section! Don't forget to leave a footprint somewhere today.

Not So Productive.

2013-01-21T16:33:00.004-06:00

I have lots of work to get done early this week before I head east for a couple of days to attend the Wisconsin Association of School Board's State Convention in Milwaukee. I'm torn between really looking forward to the convention and dreading the hell out of it. Which is my typical sentiment when it comes to the school board. It's a love hate relationship. It's getting to be less hate all the time so I think I'm making progress. I will try to post more of my thoughts on school board as I work through the newness and become more confident with my role as a member.

Tomorrow I will be announcing an exciting new element to the blog - because today got completely away from me. And by 'away from me' I mean, I spent a lot of my time with the newest member of our family. Hours of comforting and entertaining Owen's new best friend, Buster. We sat with piles of blankets on top of us snuggling to warm each other after our frequent trips outside to deal with the arctic temperatures & a tiny puppy bladder. I forced enthusiasm with about 400 excited & foggy breathed 'go potties.' He forced enthusiasm with his tail a swingin' as he cautiously stepped across our frozen gravel driveway with his soft-padded paws. Together we faked liking the weather, but there was no need to force the affection. It's hard to not love something this crazy adorable... I think I found a new muse.

Freckle Friday:: The Forgotten Fridays of 2012

2013-01-18T10:00:00.000-06:00

Edited Monday, January 21st - If you don't "publish" the post readers won't be able to see it on the blog. This is a common mistake made be first time bloggers! Duh.

These are the forgotten Freckle Friday photos that never made it to the blog during the end of last year.

Enjoy the randomness. Exciting stuff coming to the blog next week!

Owen teaching Sophia how to spell O-HI-O

She looks thrilled

Veteran's Day Program

Flag Football!

Fall Fun

shooting hoops

she's the next big thing

skipping home from the bus

homework in natural light

Daddy's girl

Clark W. Griswald visits our house

holiday program

Owen's artwork

Patches clings to life

zamboni ride

snow day

~~Sick~~Christmas Time

the great outdoors

All caught up.

One of these weeks...

2013-01-17T15:02:00.001-06:00

I can't believe it's Thursday already! This was really one of those I-couldn't-have-a-job-if-I-wanted-to kind of weeks. Lots of meetings. Lots of coffee. Lots of nodding off at 5:30pm on the couch while Sophia reads non-fiction stories about owls and dalmatians and people who stab their own ears with sharp sticks because their child only brings home non-fiction books.

I promise to be more engaged next week.

Freckle Friday tomorrow...

Freckle Friday:: Family Photos

2013-01-11T15:30:00.000-06:00

I don't think it's a secret that I love taking photos of my kids. I'm constantly snap, snap, snapping pics of them. I have thousands of photos of these guys. But like most momtographers, I only have a handful of great photos documenting that I am, in fact, the person who brought these two humans into the world. As I look back at photos I sometimes get the feeling that I'm their hired in-house photographer rather than their mom. There's not much photographic evidence that I even exist.

I'm sure they'll remember me by the ass indent on the couch cushion.

This fall I decided to practice what I've been preaching on my photography website for years-

Schedule a professional family photo shoot. You will never regret having great family photos!

Almost immediately after scheduling with Dani Stephenson Photography I wanted to cancelled the shoot because the fool-proof 5 step plan I concocted for looking great in the photos failed. Literally about 37 minutes after the plan was hatched I ate dinner and screwed the pooch.

5 Step Plan for Looking Great In Family Photos

1. Schedule a photo shoot

2. Don't eat for 60 days
3. Look crazy hot for the photo shoot
4. Pass out due to malnutrition & exhaustion 2 seconds after the shutter closes for the last time
5. Scar my kids for life (because the EMTs have to revive me in front of them all because I wanted to look hot instead of looking like their mom) but hey the photos look amazing

Because my brain likes to torture me in ways I have trouble even explaining - here's how the 2 months between scheduling and shooting went in my head:

The shame of failing at such a rock solid plan kept me eating constantly. I was also too ashamed to type an email to Dani to cancel because I didn't want her to think I was a total nutjob. So while I'm brutally attacking myself for being a worthless piece of crap, who is going to look like a worthless piece of crap in the family photos - I'm obsessively planning our outfits like a ADHD queen on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and binge eating to deal with the shame of overspending on clothes that probably won't fit in 2 months because I can't make myself not eat. I don't get outside to get fresh air & exercise that would help me look & feel better because I'm painstakingly searching Etsy for just the right teal tights for Sophia. This cycle continued for 60 days...I swear to god! And the whole time I'm silently praying for a huge December 2nd blizzard so I can pretend to be devastated that our family photos had to be canceled.

Literally. This is what my brain does and I know it's crazy. Shame is my crazy and I'm learning to deal with it. Shame = attaching my own self-worth to things like weight, perfect teal tights and adorable holiday cards. I'm working through it. This post is part of that.

Even though in the back of my head I knew was going to hate the photos because I hate how I look, we went to the photo shoot. December 2nd was a great day. It was warm (like 50 freakin' degrees) with hazy cloud cover that made the afternoon sun a nonissue. The setting was lovely. The outfits came together. Trevor wore a sweater...with the tags on because he said he'll never wear it again. Dani Stephenson worked her magic. When the disc arrived in the mail 10 days later, I nervously popped it into the computer to see the damage - I started crying...like a lot!

I cried because look like their mom. I cried because we all look happy and real. I cried because I was relieved. I cried because the outfits worked. I cried because I love the photos.

I cried because I spent 2 months in Crazytown trying to avoid looking like this person...

I know, I know Freckle Friday is supposed to be focused on these guys....not my crazy shit.

Here are some of my favorites of them!

Have a shamefree weekend, folks. Oh, and schedule a family photo shoot. You won't regret it!

10 on 10: Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous Edition

2013-01-10T12:06:00.006-06:00

Remember Robin Leach & Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous? I couldn't remember his name until I googled it, but I could always hear his annoying voice signing off with "champagne wishes & caviar dreams." When I closed my eyes to try to remember the show, I would always hear his voice say the famous closing, but I visualized a episode of CRIBS with a basketball star and his garages full of undriven cars or a rock superstar with his bedrooms full of over-ridden women.

Anyway, I've had champagne wishes & caviar dreams in my head for a couple of weeks since received one of the most memorable New Year's gift ever...A Lobster Gram!

Now the story behind the gift is too long to get into but here's the gist: two really sweet people thought our family might enjoy receiving 2 live lobsters and all the ingredients for a fresh New England style meal. They were right - we loved it! Unfortunately, the lobsters arrived as we were heading out the door to the ultra-fab Pizza Hut for a little dinner with Owen's friend Cameron who recently moved to California. He was back for the holidays and wanted to hang out with his pals back here in Wisconsin. Although I'm not sure why...these boys are like a pack of wild animals when they are together!

We decided we'd cook the lobsters when we got home and have a lobster lunch the next day. It was fun to watch the kids thoroughly examine the prehistoric looking creatures. Although they were extremely gentle, their lack of confidence in handling crustaceans, led to one lobster heading to the stockpot a couple of minutes post live.

We were all fascinated by the fresh to cooked color change.

After uttering "lobster lunch" on December 28th, I've been thinking "lobster lunches & caviar dreams" in my head (in Robin Leach's voice) every day around noon. Sometimes I even say out loud "Jeeves, I'm getting a bit hungry. Perhaps a lobster lunch before you go polish the Bentley?" I'm very sophisticated you know.

Later when I'm eating bear sausage with cheese & crackers for lunch as I drive my Dodge Ram to Goodwill, I'm reminded that I'm about a sophisticated as Larry the Cable Guy's pregnant teenage sister.

Whatever....because I have photographic evidence of our fancy lobster lunch-where my lovely daughter is wearing camo & licking the lobster ravioli sauce off her fingers and where my son is wearing his blaze orange long underwear because he'd just got home from hunting pheasants with his dad...the plumber.

Stay classy, Compound!

Hello, Wisconsin!

2013-01-08T17:32:00.000-06:00

Weather in Mineral Point, Wisconsin today: 38 degrees with clear & sunny skies.

The gorgeous weather coaxed me into taking a walk on lovely High Street this afternoon. I cheerfully greeted everyone I met on the sidewalk with, "Hi. Beautiful day huh?" Everyone other stroller was equally as thrilled with the weather. It wasn't until I got home and started getting ready for dinner that I realized how crazy it is that we are giddy about 38 degrees....

our refrigerator is set only 2 degrees colder than the temps outside right now!
You know you are hard core Wisconsinites when you are happy about living in an Sub Zero.

But really it was an amazing day. I even went back out to spent some time with the kids right after school. We soaked up the January sun & celebrated the wonderful sight of grass peeking through the thick white carpet of snow.

My Favorite Things - The Barn Board Box

2013-01-07T18:33:00.000-06:00

I used to love Oprah. I DVRed her show. I subscribed to her magazine. I even lost a bunch of weight and gained it all back just to emulate her. Some of my friends and siblings thought she was a
pompous poser and hated when I'd start prattling on about what I recently read in O or what I heard on her show that was (momentarily) life-changing. I waved my 'Oprah Is Amazing' flag for years. I thought, and still believe, she's an all around good person who wants to share her life-experiences with the rest of the world in the hopes of making life better or easier for those watching, listening or reading. Sounds familiar.

My affection for Oprah petered out over the years. I stopped DVRing her show long before she left network t.v. to start OWN and I stopped subscribing to her magazine just after she finally let someone else be featured on the cover. Hmmm...I wonder why people thought she was a
pompous poser?!

I don't really miss the magazine's nuggets of wisdom or the Oprah Show's ~~sickening~~ adorable banter between the host and her BFF Gayle. That said, I kind of miss the Oprah's Favorite Things extravaganza. I love hearing about the interesting & over-priced items Oprah was raving about to the masses of middle class women watching from home. I found the whole episode entertaining. By entertaining I mean completely out of touch with my reality on every level!

So I decided, 'cause I'm a pompous poser, to do my own favorite things post. I'm dying for ~~millions~~ tens of middle aged, middle class women to be sitting at home wishing they had my loot. I want to be coveted for my Goodwill finds, and upcycled Christmas gifts. Actually I just want to share things I love. Which is probably exactly what Oprah wanted to do. Man, we are like soul sisters...I wonder how long until Tyler Perry sends me a Rolls Royce for Christmas?

My aunt Paula made all of her nieces & nephews adorable little barn board boxes. The lumber was taken from a fallen barn on a farm that, until recently, had been in the Stauffacher family for many years. These boxes are a lovely and useful reminder of the memories and people who made Ferndale Road such a special place. I cherish it!

If you are interested in more information about the barn board boxes email me.

Freckle Friday:: Wisconsin, We Have Liftoff

2013-01-04T15:04:00.001-06:00

My first Freckle Friday of the year! Freckle Friday will be exactly what it started out being...a post about Owen and/or Sophia. No lengthy post about me trying to figure out how to lead, lose or learn. It will be a brief photo heavy post featuring the 2 little creatures I adore more than anything in the world!

One of Sophia's favorite Christmas gifts was the Stomp Rocket she received from my brother's family. She absolutely LOVES it. Yesterday afternoon once she realized it was impossible to break the lightbulbs in the living room ceiling fan with the foam rockets, she decided she wanted to take it outside to see just how high she could make the rockets fly.

My heavy mittens and, the quickly disappearing, Wisconsin winter light made it difficult to get a great photo of the rocket flying through the air like I originally intended to shoot. Better than rockets in flight were the priceless faces she made as she ran, stomped and searched the sky & then the snowy ground for rockets, over and over again, until all the light was gone.

“There's a sunrise and a sunset every single day, and they're absolutely free. Don't miss so many of them.” ― Jo Walton