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My Year in Disturbing Film: Week 18 - Sweet Movie

2010-05-04T00:58:00.002-04:00

Sweet movie

What is the movie about?
Sweet Movie is a cluster fuck of imagery and ideas. It never settles on anything long enough to do much of anything more than gross you out or make you wonder what is going on. It doesn’t help that a decent chunk of time you’ll be covering your eyes because there’s so much nasty shit in this flick.

I’ll do my best for you though, my readers, to best explain exactly what’s going on in this film. The best I could understand it there were two interchanging story lines. One involved a girl chosen by a rich bachelor to be his bride, but then is kicked out and finds herself traveling the world. The other story has a much less convoluted plot; a woman is captaining a boat filled with candy (and other things) around the world “protesting the war”. I will admit aside from some songs she sings I never really see her protesting anything except clothing. All this is very good, but still begs the eternal question…

Is the film disturbing?
Sweet Movie was almost the first film on this list that I almost shut off (ask bosh, he’ll confirm it). I’ve stated in previous entries that people have certain thresholds for disturbing imagery and my weakness is poop. I can handle so many terrible things in my movies, but show me someone pooping on a plate and celebrating it and I’m done. If the scatological scenes had been any longer I would have been shutting down this film.

Thankfully this is chocolate!

But that’s only the tip of the iceberg and I’m actually getting ahead of myself.

The main storyline follows a woman (whose name never seems to be given) who wins a virginity contest and the prize is getting hitched to the richest bachelor in the world. The film is quite ahead of its time, a televised contest where you get to marry a rich bachelor? What happens next though is not likely to have happened on the show. The bachelor scrubs his body and her (she was Miss Canada in the contest so I’ll call her that) body down with rubbing alcohol and then reveals he has a golden penis and pees on her. This is within the first ten minutes of the film, so you have a great idea were the film is going.

taking golden showers to a whole new level

Miss Canada’s story if rife with scat and nastiness that will sit with you for days (perhaps weeks). After the bachelor kicks her out she begins her travels with a large black man (named Jeremiah). He packs her into a suitcase and ships her off to France where she meets El Macho. They fuck in public under his cape and humorously wind up stuck. I forgot to mention that this is basically a comedy, yup a comedy and when it’s not shitting on screen it’s pretty damn funny. Eventually she finds herself with this weird hippy looking cult that, guess what, is shit based (ugh, more poop). She’s in a catatonic state when she gets there and they take some pretty wild chances at reviving her. They put her in a large basket and throw lettuce at her. Then they breastfeed her, thankfully if there’s anything this flick isn’t lacking is bare breasts. Granted, a lot of the time they are covered in some kind of substance (be it poop, chocolate, vomit…etc). When her story ends she’s back in the home of the rich bachelor doomed to either live in her personal hell or relive the whole ordeal over again.

OM NOM NOM

The other storyline involves a female boat captain ferrying a vessel from port to port “protesting” the war. The boat is fantastical, there’s a huge head on the front that I think is supposed to be Lenin. The boat is filled with candy and where ever she goes people seem to go out of their way to try to get on the ship. One such person is a naval officer that she dubs “Potemkin” who spends the majority of the film with her. The thing we discover is that she murders everyone that comes on the ship. She murders several little boys after performing a strip tease in front of them. Thankfully they don’t show the murders, but they do show the strip tease. As the film ends on her storyline she is arrested for murder and carted off, the bodies are left on the shore and they eventually awaken and stare up at the camera then the credits roll…it’s kind of creepy.

Spliced between these stories is documentary footage of the massacre in katyn forest. It’s not disturbing as such, but incredibly disgusting. This is real footage of real corpses from a real genocide. Needless to say it’s a little hard to watch. Remember the rest of this film is a comedy!

When Sweet Movie is over you’ll be questioning your sensibilities. You did just laugh at a guy pooping on a plate and dancing with it. It’s FUNNY! RIGHT? Depending on your style you may love Sweet Movie, but it’s just as easy to say you will hate it. It’s not an easy film to watch and may just have succeeded in damaging me permanently.

3 out of 5

Disturbitude: 9, WIN

A Vampire in Brooklyn

2010-04-29T15:19:00.000-04:00

A Vampire in Brooklyn
Eddie Murphy has a very checkered past when it comes to his films. Well it turns out that at some point he got word to Wes Craven that he wanted to do a horror flick. Not much later we were given A Vampire in Brooklyn. Not a terrible film or at least not nearly as bad as I was expecting.

The film revolves around two people destined to come together. On the one side there’s Eddie Murphy as Maximillian. He’s a lonely vampire looking for a mate (in this version vampires don’t turn people as such, unless they make you a ghoul, they’re more like a breed). He only knows of one person who has vampire bloods in her, though she’s not a bloodsucker herself. Based on the title it’s a safe bet that you know where said half vamp is. Yup, Brooklyn. Apparently he also only has so long to find her and turn her (she has to give herself completely to him) before his time on this poor rock is over. So, in other words, Vampire in Brooklyn is yet another re-envisioning of the classic Nosferatu story.

Only much less attractive

Before I continue on to the other storyline the movie follows I need to take a second to explain to you a phrase I coined because it describes this movie. The term is what I call an “Urban Renewal”. A remake of a film remade with an all black cast. A prime example is the recent “Death at a funeral” remake. As much as I hate remakes I hate Urban Renewals even more, not as a notion of race. I couldn’t care less if it were an all black, all Hispanic, all Eskimo or all used mop cast. If the original was good, leave it alone. If you’re a filmmaker and you liked the original, make homage to it. But before I get too into this rant (which I WILL further expand upon at a later date) I just wanted to state that a Vampire in Brooklyn is essentially an Urban renewal Dracula minus any erotic connotations.

OK maybe just a little bit

The other side of the proverbial coin is Angela Basset who plays Rita. She’s a cop who seems to have issues sleeping. Probably all that vamp in her blood. She’s having all these crazy vivid dreams that she paints when she wakes up. It’s the classic good vamp bad vamp routine only the good vamp doesn’t realize it yet.

There are moments when Eddie does TRY to be frightening, but it's about as effective as a dog with no teeth

A vampire in Brooklyn actually manages to pull off some fun moments while still managing to be an utterly shite flick. I said it was better than I thought, but I did NOT say it was good. Eddie Murphy plays multiple characters (as usual) except this time one of those extra characters is funny. The vamp can apparently take the shape of a recent victim and in an attempt to woo Rita to his side he takes the form of a preacher. The preacher is the funniest part of the film. He convinces the entire congregation to chant and sing “evil is good”.

boogadaboogadaboogadi!

However, at the end of the day A Vampire in Brooklyn is a sorry excuse for a film and Eddie Murphy should have known better. I hope if he ever decides to work with Wes Craven again he let’s Wes write the material. On a technical level the flick is pretty good and I found myself admiring the cinematography more than the film itself. The writing though is half-baked and not much fun and scenes that are supposed to be funny (aside from the preacher scene) fall flat. It’s basically not good horror and not good comedy.

Skip this one

4 out of 10

The Happening

2010-04-27T12:11:00.002-04:00

The Happening

I need to just get this out of the way up front. The Happening is the single worst film I’ve seen since Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. If your morbid curiosity has gotten the better of you then by all means read on, but if you’re content in the knowledge that it’s a piece of shit? Please feel free to stop reading now.

Now for all you sick sick ladies and gentlemen who just can’t help yourself and must read on!

You’re probably asking yourself what exactly “the happening” is? The best I can tell is it’s some kind of biological attack on humanity performed by the single most abundant terror cell in the world, PLANTS! Yup, that’s the big mystery, the whole thing was perpetrated by plants. WHAT A TWIST! It actually gets Marky Mark so paranoid that he winds up talking to plants and the best part is that it was PLASTIC PLANT!

Her Marky, picking up any "good vibrations"?

The story follows Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel as they travel away from the big city in an attempt to get away from what they initially believe to be terrorist attacks. Soon enough they begin to see what it really is and it becomes a struggle just to stay alive. Along the way there are about 700 suicides (which seems like it was the main selling point in the ad campaign). I don’t know about you, but I’m not a big fan of watching people off themselves in more and more gruesome ways. The only real pleasure the film seems to deliver is twofold; on one side we get to see John leguizamo perform one line so brilliantly it almost makes up for the pest “Don’t take my daughter’s hand unless you mean it!” and ultimately we get to watch him off himself, again almost making up for the pest!

A better name for this film would be "the look up" that's 90% of the flick right here!

As we follow Marky (you don’t mind if we call you Marky, right?) we watch his group grow and dwindle as they run into new people and they eventually off themselves. Eventually it dwindles down to just Marky, Zooey and John Leguizamo’s daughter and they happen upon a nice little house completely off the grid. Of course you know there’s a problem with the house! A complete nutter of an old hag owns the house. She doesn’t really want to help them, but relents and eventually offs herself (big fucking surprise right?). In the end everything just stops and it’s over. This begs the question, why couldn’t the fucking movie end like that? Everything seems to be going swell for the new family and then they have to ruin all the fun by showing that all this is happening again in France, but who friggin cares about them frogs!

Tres Chic!

Mark Wahlberg is easily one of the worst actors in the business and his performance in the happening just proves that he deserves to be driven out of Hollywood (preferably to never be seen again). Zooey Deschanel, on the other hand, should know better! I’ve decided to give M. Knight one more chance with the last airbender (which is so upsetting that it couldn’t have been called Avatar!), but I’m not holding my breath! There are feeble attempts at humor, even more feeble attempts at drama, but the worst offenders are when they try to do suspense/horror. There’s just not that much frightening about plants, sorry M. Knight, but there isn’t. Maybe next time you can make a film about vampires and werewolves in love with a human girl…oh wait.

OH NOES, DA PLANTZ!

1 out of 10

My Year in Disturbing Film: Week 17 - Freaks

2010-04-26T13:33:00.001-04:00

Todd Browning’s Freaks

What is the movie about?

The film focuses on the story of a group of circus freaks and how they take revenge on a “normal” for doing wrong by one of their own. “Freaks” is more specifically about Hans, the “Tom Thumb” of the circus sideshow and the gold digger Cleopatra who’s ruining his life. But this all begs the question…

Hans, in happier times

Is the film disturbing?

Looking at Freaks by today’s standards it’s a laughable example of horror, but thinking about when this film came out it was groundbreaking in its depiction of taboo subject matter. Browning’s use of real human anomalies as the titular freaks was unheard of at the time. What’s even better is just how great of a job they did portraying the issues they had to face on a daily basis and the mockery they were forced to suffer.

We're a happy family, me mom and dad

A good chunk of the film deals with their personal hardships of the main group of freaks. The group consists of; several pinheads, a human torso, a group of dwarves (what do they call that, a gaggle?), a he/she, a man missing both arms and legs, people with no arms, a bearded lady (who’s pregnant nonetheless), a stutterer and a set of Siamese twins. That gives you a pretty good idea of the size of the group one would have to contend with if they were to attack you!

If I knew a guy who could shave without the aid of arms, I'd NEVER fuck with him!

Hans is engaged to Frieda, but he has an eye for Cleo (short for Cleopatra, a regular sized acrobat in the circus). Cleo is using Hans to get nice things. Hans has fruits imported from France for her, he buys her jewelry and gets her fancy champagne. Needless to say this upsets Frieda and let’s face it, you’d be pissed if some Jezebel were pushin in on your turf. There’s a B storyline involving a girl named Venus who leaves her boyfriend (circus strongman named Hercules) and winds up with the main clown Phroso. Venus and Phroso represent the “normals” that can handle being around the “freaks” and treat them with the respect they deserve. Phroso especially seems to have a connection with the freaks that’s quite admirable.

WHAT HEIGHT DIFFERENCE?!

Cleo, while suckering Hans out of his money, is seeing Herc behind Hans’ back Everyone other than Hans seems to Know what’s going on. Cleo convinces Hans to marry her after she discovers where Hans is getting his money from (he inherited a HUGE fortune) and thinks it best if she does away with her new pint sized groom. She starts the poisoning regimen the night of their wedding, but plays it off initially like she’s the one who saved his life. She then slowly starts poisoning him again using the medicine he’s supposed to be using to administer the new poison. It’s a damn good thing Hans has got some good friends because they see what she’s doing and let him in on the deal before he really does start pushing up the daisies. Those of you who have never seen Freaks have most assuredly heard at least audio from the wedding night scene. It’s the, made famous by the Ramones “one of us, one of us” scene (gooble gobble).

GABBA GABBA HEY!

The freaks make plans to deal with that bitch Cleo and on one fateful stormy night they deal with her good (and Herc too). They never explain what happens with her, but they give you a peek on what became of her. Maybe I’ll leave that for you to discover on your own. Freaks is a compelling film and is short enough that you should never have to look at your watch one. Even by today’s standards it’s a really well made film and frankly it’s significantly bolder than much of the tripe coming out these days. I do, however, have to admit it fails to remain nearly as disturbing as it maybe once was, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a near perfe4ctly made film that’s a delight to watch even after so many years.

5 out of 5

Disturbitude: 3, sure there’s some shock to see real life circus freaks, but it shouldn’t be more than a passing shock

Club Life

2010-04-22T10:21:00.001-04:00

Club Life
Starring: Tom Parsekian, Tony Curtis, Dee Wallace
Written/Directed/Produced by Norman Thaddeus Vane

Every city has a seedy underbelly and in Club Life it seems hometown motocross hero Cal (Parsekian) is dropped right smack dab into the middle of the seediest Hollywood underbelly of them all. In the epicenter of this world is The City; a Pulsating and seething nightclub where all the local punks, new wavers, and rock n’ rollers inexplicably go to listen to Disco? Luckily for Cal he manages to convince the owner (Tony Curtis, doing his absolute worst tough guy impression) to give him a job as a bouncer. Cal is arguably one of the worst bouncers ever as he spends 90% of his time dancing or getting beaten up. It doesn’t help that his “boss” (coach, mentor, whatever) Tank seems to hate his guts and probably wants to kick his ass more than the local baddies (a gang known as the Scungilli). The best part is when Tank dies later in the film he’s treated like some kind of beloved best friend (he even gets a touching song during his funeral), but by all accounts he’s a total scumbag.

OK, Tony Curtis' 2nd worst tough guy

The shit really hits the fan when Cal’s girl from back home (Sissy played by Jamie Barrett) moves out to the big city. Apparently lover boy failed to even send her a letter while he was gone and now she’s a bit jaded. She hooks up with this punk who calls himself “the doctor” (they never really explain if he’s actually a MD or if he just has an affinity for scrubs) and gets herself hooked on the smack (say no to drugs kiddies). She also winds up as a fully nude dancer and sorry guys, it’s all body doubles for the nude scenes.

Maybe not quite the same*

The real meat of the film is in the fight scenes and musical numbers. Tom Parsekian makes both the fighting and the dancing look easy and fun. He glides across the dance floor like a naked Sissy across a greased up fish tank waterbed. He also manages some incredibly insane fight scenes; he fights a gigantic lesbian aptly named “Butch” for a job at her place on the weekends, he fights Tank (our mascot’s namesake) for the heck of it and he fights countless Scungilli men and local street toughs using (towards the end of the film) the most insane pair of Day-Glo neon light stick nunchuks you’ve ever seen. Of course let’s not forget that this is a musical at heart so there are several musical performance scenes that essentially act as a padding for the film to run out it’s full 93 minutes. The best of which is Sissy singing to a house full of lesbians about how she needs a good man (needless to say a fight breaks out).

I assume the Scungilli boys are named for their favorite dish?

The acting is surprisingly good and I will say Troma (who released this) did a great job finding a great flick to add to its vaults. It’s not nearly as crazy as Troma would become in the not too distant future, but it has a certain manic element that all Troma films seem to possess. Overall it’s a thoroughly enjoyable flick that’s just as easily watched sober, as it would be drunk. I bet a fun drinking game for this one would be to take a shot every time Cal gets beat up.

It’s Saturday Night Fever meets Roadhouse in this over the top extravaganza! Watch it tonight!

8 out of 10
Drink up…I’ve got movies to watch
-Moe

* you know you want to see more LAZERTITS

P.S. As I was searching for pictures I had a very hard time finding a picture of the box art so I almost posted this up top

Admit it, you love it

The Interview

2010-04-20T09:19:00.002-04:00

The Interview
I went to the video store with the express intention of picking up Mannequin: On the Move (aka Mannequin 2). It made a worst-of list on rottentomatoes.com for romantic comedies and apparently features a guy with glasses that look to be fashioned out of scissors which I was super excited to experience. But, of course, Best Video has better sense than to carry anything beyond the original Mannequin, and c'mon, we've all seen that. (Netflix, however, does carry Mannequin 2, so as soon as I get around to sending back Flight of the Conchords, I can get started on that.)

As a result I had to resort to perusing the romance section. I didn't even know there is a romance section at Best Video. (It can be identified by the dusty red rose atop the shelves, if you're looking.) Then something caught my eye:

What in the hell is Steve Buscemi doing in the romance section? On the cover. In a movie with Sienna Miller. (I don't know who the hell Sienna Miller is -- but one glance told me she probably shouldn't have been paired with Steve fucking Buscemi.) I have a bit of a thing for Steve Buscemi. I think he's awesome. I think he can take a shit part and make it shine. I think he's amazing as Carl Showalter in Fargo -- especially when he blows away the father-in-law on top of the parking garage and tears outta there covered in blood. He is not, however, someone I think of when I think romance.

Obviously I had to rent it.

The first thing I can say about Interview is that absolutely no way in fucking hell should it be shelved in the romance section. (It actually shouldn't. IMDB lists it as a drama.) The second is that Steve Buscemi is the only reason I even made it to the end. Thirdly: who the fuck is Sienna Miller? [Side note: I just looked her up. She's not the nanny Jude Law fucked, but the girl he was dating when he fucked the nanny. Thanks Wikipedia.]

Here's the deal: Pierre Peders (Steve Buscemi) is a hack reporter who's had to resort to embellishing facts and flat-out making things up to get stories published. His editor doesn't trust him to cover politics any longer so he's reduced to writing celebrity fluff pieces. He's sent to interview Katya (Sienna Miller) who has starred in a series of slasher films and now has a TV series. He's never seen any of her work, just heard rumors about who she's slept with (art imitating life?), and he really couldn't care less about her. They meet in a restaurant.

The restaurant scene is pretty good actually, if you enjoy seeing some uppity
actress told that what she does means nothing. By Steve Buscemi.

He insults her. They fight. Part ways. The driver of Pierre's taxi sees Katya walking down the street and while ogling her, rear ends a garbage truck. Pierre hits his head and is bleeding. "Oh Pierre, why don't you come to my loft and I'll tend to your wounds. I feel like it's my fault anyway -- this never would have happened were it not for my devastating beauty!" You get the idea. Ridiculous.

Pierre takes her up on the offer realizing that he's got nothing for his story if he doesn't get an actual interview. To the loft! That's when the crazy comes out. Katya's mood flips faster than my remote control through the sports channels. There's no rhyme or reason to her whatsoever, and the real problem is that you just don't care. You can sort of understand (to a certain extent) why he sticks around -- he'll most likely be fired if he doesn't get this interview done. But she's like a rollercoaster minus the fun. One second she's kissing him, the next she's telling him that she hates him, then she's jumping around on the kitchen counter. Oh, and since Pierre is literally twice her age, of course they have to add in the father-daughter thing. Her dad is dead, his daughter is dead. Boo-hoo. Typical.

Steve Buscemi wrote and directed Interview. It actually might have made a better play.

See? It looks just like a play!

There's something about the dissection of two people's psyches that to me plays out better onstage than onscreen. On stage it doesn't feel as contrived -- it's more of an experiment. On screen it feels more like a been-there, done-that made for TV movie.

RATING: Half a Heart

My Year in Disturbing Film: Week 16 - Bring on the Puppet Gore!

2010-04-19T14:14:00.001-04:00

A quick note about last week: I know I was supposed to post a reiew for audition, but I didn't have internet for the majority of the week last week. I was unable to watch the film so I've decided to bypass it and will probably post a regular review for it within the coming weeks. Sorry about that....

My year in disturbing film is my weekly column where I devote a few paragraphs to the most fucked up films ever made. Each week I plan on subjecting myself to the most horrific and mentally damaging imagery my mind can handle. I can't promise you this won't be the week I wind up in the hospital...

HERE is a reminder about my rating system for these films

Hmmm so what torment is in store for me this week...

Meet the Feebles

What is the movie about?

To the untrained ear Meet the Feebles may seem like a normal, yet slightly twisted take on the puppet movie. It’s a film about a variety show with an all puppet cast. Within minutes though you’re well aware that there’s something terribly wrong with this flick.

Is the film disturbing?

Oh god yes. The thing Peter Jackson (yes that Peter Jackson, he had quite an interesting early career) forces these puppets to do is beyond fucked up. The disturbing factor is turned up a few notches in that this whole thing from the outside could pass for a kid’s film. In fact I’ve never seen this in a video store without a ton of stickers proclaiming it “adults only”.

NOT kid's fare

Where does one start with the fucked up shit going on in this thing? You’ve got a host (rabbit) who develops an STD and think he’s got AIDS. A manager (walrus) who fucks anything he can while trying to maintain a relationship with the star of the show. Speaking of the star (hippo), she’s a binge/purge eater who’s obsessed with body image and eventually goes insane and takes out a large portion of the cast/crew with machine gun fire. Puppet gore is really something you never quite get over.

Before

After!

So continuing with the cavalcade, we’ve got a knife thrower (lizard) who’s a Vietnam vet who has frequent flashbacks and is a heavy drug user, he also murders his first assistant accidentally during a DT fit. There’s a sleazy stage manager (rat) who makes porno in the basement and has to recruit a local panty sniffer (who winds up dying of poisoning when he sniffs borax he thinks is cocaine) to fill in for the cockroach who dies when accidentally sat on by a submissive cow. Is any of this sinking in? I’m starting to think I’m already insane and I’m not even done describing the principal cast.

Not the only hole in one that day (the others involve many many rounds of ammunition

There’s a tabloid news reporter (fly) who spends the entire movie trying to cover the story on the rabbit and has a more than memorable scene involving a toilet and the solid deposits that tend to occupy one. A slime ball (bulldog) stage performer/bouncer who helps the walrus do drug deals with a Scottish warthog. A fakir (surprisingly a human) who winds up getting his head stuck up his ass and gets it out in time to die from his bed of nails falling right on him. The director (a very gay fox) who’s a pompous jerk and the rest of the cast who consist mostly of bit characters in the chorus and a hedgehog and poodle couple who make up the romantic side story.

Ok fine, this isn't part of the movie

Meet the feebles is fucked on many levels and will probably make you curl up in a little ball and rock in the corner till your mother comes and tells you everything will be ok. Seeing as I’m 30 and no longer live with mommy…I’m in trouble. Well I’m off to go rock for a while, watch Meet the Feebles at your own risk A great film, if you’re into this sort of crazy shit…which I am!

Huh?

5 out of 5

Disturbitude 9, Holy Christ is it ever deserving of this

Leprechaun 4: In Space - Because in space no one can hear you cry.

2010-04-16T15:55:00.001-04:00

Leprechaun 4: In Space (AKA Leprechaun 4: Space Platoon)

In this the fourth installment of the utterly inspiring and award winning series (sarcasm) we find our titular pissed off greedy midget in the depths of space. How he got there is never explained and why would we ever want it to be. It’s so much more fun and coherent when it isn’t, right? If I can be honest for a second with you, Leprechaun 4 may very well be one of the absolute worst films I’ve ever been privy to viewing. Those of you familiar with my history with crap cinema know that this is a major accomplishment for a film.

The story (if that’s what you want to call it) starts off on a far away planet where our pint size antagonist (Lep played yet again by Warwick Davis) has kidnapped a princess from some farther away planet. His grand plan is to marry her and take over the throne of her father. Seriously? My 6 year old could and has come up with better story ideas. Here’s one of his ideas for free, a wizard has to take a spelling test and he’s studying by creating the things he has to spell and asks them to spell themselves to help him learn. It’s already a better idea than leprechaun 4 in space.

Apparently the planet he now lives on is made entirely out of shit

So back to the actual story, so the overused cliché known as space marines happen upon Lep’s little hideout and “kill him”. The marine responsible for “killing” him decides the best way to honor the memory of the fallen is to urinate on the remains which impart upon him arguably the worst urinary tract infection ever. Lep’s essence travels up the pee stream like a jolt from an electric fence. Of course when they get back to the ship they do what marines do best* and they party down! The urine soaker and the token female take the time to get to know each other a little better in the waste disposal area. Pee Pee finishes off an apparently already shitty life with a fatal case of blue balls when Lep decides to use this moment exit the way he came in. The difference is this time he exits the urethra full size!

*-not really, semper fi guys

The story goes from odd to batshit crazy with the introduction of the Dr Mittenhand. You don’t know it at first, but the doc is a bit of a mess. OK maybe “mess” is a bit of an understatement; the doctor is really just a head and an arm on a robotic transport. He looks like a Dalek with a human head. It just gets sillier ands sillier as they discover that the princess’ blood has regenerative properties, which prompts the doc to start conducting experiments on her. This all goes horribly wrong when Lep uses the concoction, mixed with a spider and a scorpion and injects Mittenhand. Mittenhand becomes Mittenspider (his words, not mine) and starts attacking the crew.

It goes from weird...

To REALLY weird, really fast!

Meanwhile Lep is also stalked the remaining marines to one of the docking bays and accidentally gets shot with the laser that is supposed to shrink and enlarge cargo creating the world’s largest dwarf. If you have any brain cells you’ can guess how they get rid of good old Lep. Somehow simultaneously killing him and yet setting it up for yet another sequel at the same time!

That's not the picture quality that sucks

Leprechaun 4 in space is mildly entertaining while maintaining the level of crap you’ve come to expect with the Leprechaun movies (though I hear Lep in the hood takes it so over the top it goes full circle to become amazing, you’ll have to wait for my review to find out). I have to give Warwick Davis credit for staying in a role that a lesser actor would have given up by the third installment. He gets a paycheck and I get yet another movie to add to my arsenal. In space is inarguably the worst in the series, but I think it’s still better than a lot of other horror series worst movies. It’s better than Halloween 3, any of the even numbered Nightmare on Elm Street movies or which ever Friday the 13th was set in space. (yeah yeah Jason X, shut up)

What I find most amazing is that it feels like Lep in space was so rished together to meet some kind of deadline, but there's no huge deamnd for a Leprechaun movie. The acting is laughable at best, but does conjure up images of the classic sci fi crud from yesteryear. I know this is probably the most obvious thing I can say, but without Warwick there would be absolutely no reason to watch this steaming pile of dung. Space is usually the final frontier for shitty horror movies; I am so glad that for Leprechaun it was “the hood”. I think "in space" is a good get drunk with friends and laugh at it movie, but you’d have to be insane (or me) to watch it sober.

3 out of 10

Drink up…I’ve got movies to watch!

Direct Review #30: Damned River

2010-04-16T10:35:00.003-04:00

Damned River (1989)-2 stars
Directed By: Michael Schroeder
Starring: Steven Shellen, Branford Bancroft, Lisa Aliff, and John Terlesky

“Ain’t no way of winnin’ when you’re playin’ with the devil’s odds.”

A bunch of stupid, unlikable party dudes go to the Zambizi River in Africa for no reason. If they wanted to “par-tee down” there are a lot of better places to do so.

Their tour guide down the Damned River is Ray (Shellen-A Treat Williams doppelganger) an American running away from his past by living and toting tourists around on his raft. His accent comes and goes, as he is southern in every other scene in the movie. This particular group of tourists includes a poetry-spouting nerd, a hippie who ends every sentence with the word “man” in true Tommy Chong style. And the most unlikable character of all (and that’s saying something…): Jerry (Bancroft) a big fat party animal who isn’t fat and who whines about the lack of MTV in rural Africa. Jerry also demands his “Chow-ski” when he is hungry (because he is “fat”) and the audience is rooting for his demise from the get-go.

Meet Ray, He's going to kill you

Normally these characters would be seen in a 80’s romp. Think “Up The Creek” meets “Deliverance”. “Damned River” is in the tradition of other survival-river movies such as the aforementioned “Deliverance”, “Rituals” (1977),“The River Wild”, and “Survival Quest” (1989). “Damned River” is the bottom of the barrel of this bunch. If you have seen every other river flick, and are hankering for more river madness, check this out, otherwise, steer clear.

Meet the cast of Damned River 2: Raritan

Ray tangles with a great white hunter type named Von Hoenigen (Louis Van Niekirk) and it ends with fan favorite death, decapitation. It livens up the proceedings. Also on hand is Mavuso, a kindly local. Ray get crazier and crazier as the movie progresses, eventually reaching “Daget” –from-“Twice Under” like proportions. Shellen overacts in much the same vein.

Bradford Bancroft is actually effective as the annoying Jerry because he achieved his aim of getting the audience to hate him. Bancroft can also be seen in “A Time To Die” and “Dangerously Close” (keep an eye out for the review).

Because we like to insult the intelligence of our readers; Here's a South American Waterfall which you're supposed to believe is the African Rapids where Damned River takes place...Enjoy! (Dummies)

The movie is very dumb as it is but it pretentiously tries to not be, “casually” throwing in high-minded references to such authors as Zola and Byron. Sadly, this wasn’t enough to set it apart from the pack
Watch this “Damned” classic tonight!

Traxx

2010-04-15T15:37:00.001-04:00

Traxx

The year was 1987 and some movie studio exec had this brilliant idea. “You know who’s famous?” he said “Shadoe Stevens?” his lackey responded. “Hmm, I was going to say Bea Arthur, but hey I think your idea would work much better for this action comedy I’m working on…Oh, by the way, you’re fired”. The rest is history. True story! HONEST! With that one incredibly true story the first steps were taken towards producing one of the funniest flicks I’ve seen in ages.

Most of the crudsicles I watch are funny, but it’s usually unintentional. Traxx was actually a comedy and managed to be consistently funny throughout. Shadoe Stevens plays the titular Traxx. He’s your run of the mill mercenary ex-cop who longs to be a cookie baker. You know the type. There is a small problem with his plan. His baking skills are sub par to say the least. We'll just leave it at this, he pulls more than one tray of cookies from the oven that are ON FIRE!

All in a day's work

The film opens on a pet store robbery currently in progress. Our man Traxx is a lowly police officer, but he decides he’s going to take it upon himself to end this thing. He hijacks a skateboard from a local tot and uses the help of a fellow officer to propel himself through the storefront window. He promptly dispatches one of the baddies and the other gives up. Or at least he tries to, but Traxx isn’t having any of that and tosses him his own revolver. There’s an impromptu duel and I’ll give you one guess who wins? This recklessness gets Traxx canned from his spot on the force. Like the box says Traxx ”knows nothing about the law, but everything about justice”. We’re then treated to a series of flashback vignettes giving us some history of the main character. It seems he spent a good part of his time in some jungle in one of several developing countries. It seems one day he just gets fed up and has the calmest explosion riddled conversation a person could ever have (seriously, bombs exploding fucking everywhere) with his friend (played by Robert Miano, the best cameo of the film). He decides it’s time to give up the life and settle down for some cookie baking.

MACH SCHNELL! but seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?!

After an undisclosed amount of time and oh so many failed attempts at creating the next greatest thing in cookies our man Traxx, by chance, overhears the town sheriff talking about something called “town tamers”. Town tamers apparently are people who come into a town and clean out all the trash (not garbage because garbage gets thrown out, but trash gets killed). Sensing a great way to make some cash Traxx tells the Sheriff that he’ll clear out the town’s seriously overactive criminal element for $10,000. The Sheriff laughs at him, but I guess Traxx takes this as a “yes” and starts cleaning up the trash littered streets. As Traxx begins to successfully clear out the rougher element the head of the crime syndicate (played masterfully by Robert Davi) catches wind of what’s going on and decides it’s time to take him out (even going so far as to call in a family of hitmen on a self imposed hiatus in Mexico). Basically the rest of the film consists of physical humor, explosions and some of the most confident examples of baddie-taking-outitude I’ve ever seen. A good chunk of the humor is derived from how good Traxx knows he is. He manages to take one bullet during the entire film and when he realizes he’s been shot he passes out from shock (personally I like to think that he passed out from the embarrassment of knowing that a bullet got by him).

He could make a film about him eating snails for 90 minutes and I'd watch it

Traxx is a must see flick. The action is over the top. The jokes actually pull off being funny and there’s brilliant cameo by “Famous” Amos who eats one of Traxx’s cookies at the end and promptly hurls. Speaking of which, some of the flavors he tries are just stomach turning; tuna, cough drop and laxative, Chili con cookie. YUCK! Priscilla Barnes has a great role in the flick as a horny mayor who accosts Traxx multiple times (and ultimately winds up with him) because she “can’t fornicate with the voters, it creates a conflict of interest”, so due to this bout of morality in a politician she hasn’t had sex in three years. Hell, I’d jump Traxx if I hadn’t had any in that long!

Who's that handsome devil with the fancy duds upon his back, IT'S TRAXX

So come for Traxx and stick around for the bomb helpfully labeled “This is a bomb” and remember Traxx’s three choices “Be good, Be gone or be ded(sic)” (he even clarifies for the home viewing audience it’s spelled “D-E-D”)

Watch this TONIGHT!

Drink up…I’ve got movies to watch!

-Moe

Direct Review #29: Lone Tiger

2010-04-14T11:28:00.000-04:00

Lone Tiger (1999)- 1 and a half stars

AKA: Tiger Mask

Directed By: Warren A. Stevens

Starring: Bruce Locke, Richard Lynch, Matthias Hues, Timothy Bottoms, Stoney Jackson, and Robert Z’Dar

“Lone Tiger” is proof that having a great B-Movie cast filled to the brim with fan favorites doesn’t mean the movie is going to be any good.

Bruce Locke stars as Kurenai , a Japanese Karate man who moves to America and lives in an abandoned warehouse with some runaways. His goal is to defeat the American fighter “Dark Tiger” (Hues) because he thinks he killed his father many years ago. But Kurenai has a “Tiger” mask of his own that he wears when he fights. Lynch plays Bruce Rossner , an unscrupulous fight promoter who hires Jane (Barbara Niven) to act interested in Kurenai, but really wants dirt on his background. She finds Kurenai and gets Rossner’s right-hand man King (Z’dar) to train him to be a killer in the ring, but it goes against his moral code of honor. However if he doesn’t fight, the runaways that he cares for will go into foster care. The underground matches run by Rossner are in an underground pool with no water. Rossner primarily bets with Marcus (Bottoms) on the outcomes of the matches. It is not punch-fighting, it’s pool-fighting. Twice Rossner forces Kurenai to kill his opponent and he refuses. Unfortunately, the hobo he’s fighting dies accidentally and Kurenai begins to sour on the whole enterprise.

I'm going to use the pictures in this review to demonstrate what would have been more fun to watch than Lone Tiger, a REAL tiger would have been better

It all comes a head at Rossner’s birthday party and the truth is finally revealed.

SEE! AMAZING!

Stoney Jackson is constantly commanding one of the runaways to “Get me my money!” Jackson looks like Dave Chappelle as Rick James and gets the most cringe-worthy line in awhile: He exits the bathroom in one the first scenes of the movie and proudly and un-ironically announces “I love to pee!”. The viewer will then realize, this will be a tough sit. This movie is overlong at a punishing 105 minutes.

Matthias Hues in ANY OTHER MOVIE

Matthias Hues is seen next as the wrestler “Dark Tiger” doing his thing in the ring. What seems to be going on is some sort of “Punch-Wrestling”. Hues looks like Fabio more than ever in this flick. However, Hues brings considerable and much-needed charm to the proceedings.

Robert Z’Dar’s presence is always welcome and he does what he can in the role as Coach King. There is a training sequence where King drags Kurenai on his dirt bike. In most states this is a crime. There’s also some other slapstick which feels forced. Inexplicably, Kurenai trains while wearing the tiger mask. Apparently it is not for the crowds, it is for his own personal use. From a filmmaking standpoint, the mask is useful because it could be any number of fighters or stunt men at any time. Or better fighters for that matter. When’s Rossner’s moll, Jane states “We are having fried chicken for lunch.” King angrily yells at Kurenai: “GO TO LUNCH!” This is the most inappropriately shouted line since Glenn Ford bellowed “I LIKE FLOWERS!” in Raw Nerve (1991-See review)

This kid jumping rope, cuz LOOK AT IT!

Timothy Bottoms joins his “Total Force”(1997-See review) cast-mates Lynch and Z’Dar as Marcus, manager of the wrestler “Mr. Mexico” and “Dark Tiger”. Bottoms seems glum and would probably rather be making a something better, like the “Total Force” sequel “Absolute Force” which also stars the director of “Lone Tiger” himself Warren A. Stevens.

Super fan favorite Richard Lynch is enjoyable as Rossner, but far from his glory days as Rostov in the classic Chuck Norris fight-fest “Invasion U.S.A.” He always makes a good baddie. Rossner prays to a strange altar that his men will win his fighting matches.

Not even sure what the fuck this is, but frankly...it's better

Sad to say, the fight sequences and choreography are laughably inept and totally inane. They are slow, stagey and lifeless. They seem to be in slow motion, but aren’t. It’s all very ham-fisted. Just look at the scene with the bum and his whip for the worst example. The biggest injustice is that this is just another waste of Hues’ fighting abilities. Ugh. Speaking of ugh, King appears to have been eating a least one jelly donut when he gets kicked in the face at the climax.

Bruce Locke’s broken English and clumsy martial arts moves are another detriment to a production whose crud already runneth over.

Leave this one a”lone” and avoid this one tonight!

(Moe Note: Lone Tiger is one of the hardest sits we've had to endure in quite some time. Twice under, which gave me a headache, had at least a couple of good scenes. Lone tiger really just had one, see youtube clip above)

Breakin'!

2010-04-13T09:52:00.001-04:00

Breakin'

Back in 1984 when breakin came out there were two things you could be certain of. One was that if someone started dancing a circle would form around them from out of thin air and everyone would clap and hoot to the dancer (especially if you're an unnown little actor named JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME!). The other was if you were a black street dancer you were not welcome in the hoity toity world of professional dancing. Breakin was created as an attempt to help curb the latter, with mixed results

Yup that's him the the black singlet, click the link above for a animated GIF

Breakin is white America’s introduction to break dancing. Sure there were other’s before it, but those were made for the street kids who participated in the culture. Breakin doesn’t even try to cover this up either. It’s the story of a white dance school student (supposed to be representing we the viewers) who is introduced to the world of street dancing. Her professors of break dancing are Ozone and Turbo, The finest breakers west of the Mississippi. They pop and lock like my knees after a long jog.

Ozone and Turbo as played by Shabba Doo and Bugaloo Shrimp (seriously)

So lil miss white girl (named Kelly just to prove how white she is) is introduced to breakin by her fabulously feminine black friend and immediately wants in on the deal. First she heads down to Venice beach to join in on one of the spontaneous dancer circles along with a young Jean Claude Van Damme (seriously, do a google search for Van Damme in breakin and you’ll find one of the funniest GIFs you’re likely to see). She then accompanies them down to the local juke joint where the local beat poets (in this case Ice-T) are spitting their rhymes. “yes yes y’all yes yes y’all cuz you know that I’m fresh y’all”, talent abounds.

Down at the club Ozone and the gang (surprisingly would have been shorter to just write “and turbo”) are getting ready to throw down with another dance duo called electro rock. Electro Rock throws them a curveball by bringing in a chick to mix things up. The look on Ozone’s face when they lose the dance off is devastating; he looks like someone just ate his puppy with a side of his childhood memories. This gives them the amazing idea to incorporate Kelly into their duo and the rest is history so to speak, but seriously she has to learn an entire new style of dance from scratch so you know what this calls for, MONTAGE!

Queue the music!

About ten minutes later and she’s a pro, ready to put her skills on display for the Electro Rock crew. They’re destroyed by Kelly’s new skills. Kelly decides to get her manager involved and tries to turn her new hobby into a full-fledged career. This causes a huge rift in the crew and because the movie’s going to end soon they get over it, set up an audition with a major dance production and win over the big wigs despite Kelly’s jealous ex dance instructor/lecherous creep’s best efforts to stop them.

Breakin is a lot of fun, there’s a comic bar fight while hilariously dippy country music plays, tons of crazy break dancing including a kid on crutches who rocks the house and let’s not forget Ice-T’s early rapping which is laughable to say the least. Breakin is easily watched alone or with friends, drunk or sober, either way it’s still great fun.

That guy slouched in front of the mic, yup...Ice T

8 out of 10

Drink up…I’ve got movies to watch!

-Moe

Direct Review #28: Final Impact

2010-04-12T22:41:00.000-04:00

Final Impact (1992)-2 and half stars

Directed By: Joseph Merhi and Stephen Smoke
Starring: Lorenzo Lamas, Kathleen Kinmont, Michael Worth, and Gary Daniels

In the late 80’s and early 90’s, video store shelves were clogged with Punch-fighting, shoot-fighting, kick-fighting, leg-fighting, arm-fighting, and ???-fighting movies. These macho meathead fests featured oiled-up men in singlets mindlessly pounding each other. We don’t mean to “bash” these flicks, but the fact is they came in the wake of successes like “Bloodsport” and “Kickboxer” (I proudly own all the punch-fighting films up for review on this site.) Despite their knockoff status, they are clearly trying and mostly succeeding in pure entertainment value. Also most of the fighters in the movies are skilled martial artists and it is a pleasure to watch them fight.

Punch fighting in the early days

Sure, everyone knows the big names in the beat-em ups such as Van Damme and Seagal. But without the direct-to-video B market for these films we wouldn’t have a new class of action star. Where would we be without: William Zabka, Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Jeff Speakman, Matthias Hues, and Gary Daniels? The answer: NOWHERE!

You heard that, right? NOWHERE WITHOUT ME!

This time around, Lamas plays jaded, tequila-swilling ex-fighter Nick Taylor who now promotes underground kick-fighting matches. When young Turk Danny Davis (Worth) a fresh-faced rookie fighter comes into Taylor’s world, Taylor sees his potential as a top-kicker and trains him to be the best and be a kick-fighting champion in Las Vegas. But he has to first he has to defeat the spoiled Johnny Cage-like Hollywood fighter Jake. On his way up to the top he has to fight a young Gary Daniels. Nick has continuous flashbacks to his defeat in the ring years ago at the hands of the dastardly Jake. Now he and Danny have to get even. Also there is the prerequisite street fight in a place called the “Neon Graveyard”(yup, it's a real place).

Lamas and stunt coordinator Eric Lee (you may remember him as the "WATAHHH" guy from Ring of fire)

One of the funniest parts of the movie is during one of Nick’s flashbacks. In the grand tradition of Ian Borger and Fan favorite Ron Marchini (moe note: really?), Lamas bellows in slow mention “Nooooooooooo!!!” But Worth as Danny Davis gets the best line of the movie when in an argument with Nick he retorts: “If I’m so predictable, how come I’m the light-heavyweight champ of Ohio?!” Nick feels the burn of this nonsensical zinger.

If there was no Lamas, There would be no movie. But the real star of the show are Lorenzo’s outfits: He wears a leather vest with no shirt for most of the movie, it’s about 40 minutes in until we see our first non button up (unbuttoned) shirt.

Lamas for 90% of the film

Make an “Impact”ful statement by buying this classic tonight!

Gary Daniels in action!

(Moe Note: Can I state for the record that if these two guys were to fight in real life, Gary Daniels would make light work of him)

My Year in Disturbing Film: Week 15 Part 1 Miike week (part 1)

2010-04-12T09:03:00.001-04:00

Hmm...I wonder

Is the movie disturbing?

Miike is a master of the fucked up. If the beginning is a good idea of how the rest of the film is going to be, then you know you’re in for a treat (or not if you’re squeamish). The film opens with a man arguing that he should be guarding his boss’ door, but another man tells him no, not when he’s with a woman. The scene cuts to the man in the room with his woman. He’s beating her badly and starts to have rough sex with her. Ichi is watching from the window, masturbating. He knocks over a potted plant and the man goes to check, he slides open the door and no one is there and the camera cuts to the plant covered in cum. If you have a problem seeing guy glue then you’ll probably have a hard time watching this. Though that’s just one of MANY reasons you might have a hard time watching Ichi.

Say hello to the title screen (yes that's what you think it is)

Miike revels in the disturbing and the disgusting, he has guys hung from hooks and tortured with hot cooking oil. They show it up close and personal, you even get to watch the skin bubble up and fry (it’s an amazingly hard thing to watch). He shows people getting beaten to a pulp and mangled beyond recognition and people being cut to pieces, literally (sometimes, by themselves). There are amazing levels of delusion as well and one of the plot points involves learning that one of the central characters has been turned into what he is through hypnosis.

When I say literally, I MEAN literally

It’s essentially a story of perversion though. Ichi likes watching people get raped and can only get it up thinking about a girl he used to know being raped. He also gets off on murdering people. Needless to say if they were using modern forensic techniques they’d have a really easy time finding out who was killing off these people, tons of DNA evidence all over the place if you know what I mean. Kakihara’s techniques as well as his search for someone new to beat him take him to a whole new level in S&M.

Ichi - Portrait of a fucked up dude

Ichi the killer will be a tough sit for most people, but for those versed in Miike’s work. Should be easily enough to get through. Not for the squeamish!

Kakihara loves him some torture (what he does to this guy is arguably one of the hardest scenes in the film to watch)

4 out of 5

Disturbitude: 8 out of 10, it’s a pretty messed up flick.

Next up: Audition – More Miike (This is the first of two scheduled Miike double feature weeks, audition will be posted later in the week)

Much like Jijii, looks can be deceiving

Local Film Night at Master of None! - London Betty

2010-04-11T20:49:00.000-04:00

London Betty

So not too long ago I heard that there was going to be a screening of a new film by local filmmaker Thomas Edward Seymour. I had seen some of his previous work and figured I’d take a night out and check it out. I’m glad I did; let’s start with the event itself. It took place at this nice little hole in the wall gallery/photography studio called Master of none on State St. in New Haven, CT. It’s the kind of place that has this wonderful ambiance and everywhere you look there’s something interesting to see. I suspect Master of None is a name the blog of thunder will be seeing many time in the future. (read more after the jump)

The film itself revolves around a couple of thieves named Billy and Volgo (played by Thomas Edward Seymour and Russ Russo respectively). They’re not thieves in the traditional sense, you see they don’t break into houses. They’ll only steal things found on peoples lawns and sell them off to make some cash. We’re told briefly about the two and their best friend Jess. She’s a whore and as they keep explaining in the film, not in a bad way, she simply has sex for money (it’s kind of the same way people respond in Seinfeld to hearing that someone is gay with “not that that’s a bad thing” it’s a funny joke and it works).

Not that there's anything wrong with these glasses

The film also follows the story of Betty (Nicole Lewis) who, as you might imagine, is from London. She’s traveled to the small town of Pharisee to become a reporter with the local paper. The paper is run by Maury (Daniel Von Bargan, Supertroopers) whom we’re lead to believe is an agoraphobic (or maybe I just inferred that, the real reason is much funnier). He runs the paper from his home and tells Betty to submit her stories from home. Betty Originally is told to do a fluff piece of a bake off at the local church, but finds a much more interesting story. The story proper starts about the time that Betty witnesses Billy stealing a gas grill from a man’s yard WHILE HE’S COOKING ON IT. Through some hilarious confusion involving posted flyers she assumes that he’s setting up an illicit sexual transaction with the mayor involving hot dogs.

Speaking of the mayor when we meet him he’s being accused of some foul indiscretions and the next time we see him he’s hiring a new bodyguard/personal trainer. The interview scene created some good laughs when the Mayor would simply ask if the candidate would have any objection to doing something, how you would say, morally questionable. He finds his man in Roy McCoy (Matt Ford, Bikini Bloodbath, Bikini Bloodbath Carwash, Bikini Bloodbath Christmas) who responds with the simple yet effective “If the money’s right, I’d sodomize a goat”. You sir, are HIRED! And it’s a good thing too because Roy easily has a couple of the funniest lines in the flick. Most notably “you beautiful bitch, you shot me” which is delivered so subtly I wonder how many people in the audience missed it. Thankfully I didn’t.

Roy and Tad, doing what they do best (respectively)

Once the story gets rolling it’s starts delving into the oddball and the absurd (in a very good way) with the mayor and his cronies getting more insane (specifically is coked out assistant Tad who each time you see him he’s got a thicker layer of white stuff on his nose). Things continually get stolen and returned (usually by the same person, Billy). We learn what the Mayor likes to do in his free time (I’ll spare you the details, but it involves nudity, a knife, bags and bags of drugs and large screen projections of porn…uh, so much for spring the details).

Eventually the Mayor goes kind of mad and kidnaps Betty (who, by this point, Billy is falling for). So it’s up to Billy to save her (he fails). So it’s up to Volgo and Jess to save them (they fail). Thank goodness those two brought around an ex-marine transvestite pre-op hit man named Sgt Stone er, Barbara who is played by Phil Hall, contributing editor of Film Threat, author and who totally steals every scene he’s in with insanely beautiful lines like “That’s no way to treat a lady” and (in regards to some fireworks given to him to throw at the baddies) “Where did these weapons come from, the Coast Guard?…SEMPER FI!”. Barbara saves the day for the kidnapped and you’d imagine everything would be perfect at this point? Well keep wondering till you get to see the film (there’s a link above to buy it, do it and you won’t regret it, trust me).

TAG! you're it!

All in all London Betty is an incredibly funny flick that from what I hear was shot in 2 weeks in and around central Connecticut. You’d never know; the acting is great, the jokes are really funny and not once did I ever wonder what time it was or if the film was going to come to an end. A good chunk of that credit goes to Thomas Edward Seymour who wrote/directed and starred in the picture, But I'd be remiss to not give credit to the cast and the amazing Clint Howard for his narration (a voice impossible not to recognize). My hats off to thee for making me laugh for a couple of hours on a drunken Saturday night.

London Betty (Red Band) Trailer from Hale Manor Productions on Vimeo.

I don’t think there are too many of them thar snobby types in my readership so I think the good majority of you all will enjoy it as much as I did.

9 out of 10

Drink up…I’ve got movies to watch!

-Moe

About Us...

2010-04-11T00:12:00.000-04:00

I was thinking tonight maybe it's time you got to know us a little better here at the Movie Blog of Thunder! And although I'm not really at liberty to tell you too much about our personal lives (thanks to that gag order...Thanks MOM! kidding mom, love you) I did think it might be interesting to see how we break up the movies and what we go through to get these films reviewed and out to you, our readership.

Most weeks, Especially lately, I don't get to watch as many movies as I want to and I certainly don't get the amount of writing done I'd like. The Boshinator and myself usually watch most of the movies together though occasionally he'll watch one without me or I'll watch movies alone (which is much more likely the case, actually 99% of the movies I review for the site he hasn't watched with me, but I'd say 97% of his films I've watched with him). It's actually better that way because it gives me a good idea of what he's talking about in his reviews and can make any needed corrections or add a joke that I think might be funny. Also in regards to Bosh's posts, he finds a lot of the pictures used for his reviews, but I usually go in and find pictures to expand on the jokes and I add the captions (all in the name of comedy).

Every Monday Bosh and I go to the movies in the theater, some of those films get reviewed here, but most of them don't make the cut for the blog. Tuesdays I tend to either work on reviews, but seldom (if ever) watch movies. I'm willing to admit that this is due to Lost and once the series is over I may find myself significantly more productive. Wednesday Bosh and his brother come over and we watch Two VHS straight to video flicks. These usually fall into the "Direct Review" field and the reviews are written up by Bosh. Thursday is our make up day for Theater going. We've been hitting up Thursday night flicks a lot lately due to the weather (my car drives terrible in the rain). If there is no movie to watch we take the day as rest, though I typically will work on reviews that day or will watch films (since this is one of the few days i get to watch my films). Fridays and Saturdays are tough because I have my kids every other weekend so I'm either taking care of my kids OR watching films. Sundays are kind of a weird set up. If I don't have my kids then the guys come over again and we basically repeat Wednesday evening, but with different films and then most of the rest of my Sundays are filled with frantic movie watching and review writing since it's one of the few days I have where I can just sit and write for a good portion of the day.

The Question has been posed to us before about where we find these films to review. Mostly it's luck, luck mostly because we got lucky enough to find a place locally that still sells VHS. It's a little joint in West Haven, CT called Time Tunnel. The place is downright amazing. We typically go there every other month, but since the movie watching has increased so much lately we find ourselves back there every month. It's actually kind of an incredible place. It's a hole in the wall. Filled to the brim with tapes and there's no store frontage. So unless you already know where it is, you ain't finding it. I'm fairly certain at least a couple of the employees there know us on a first name basis. Occasionally, if it's something I'm desperate to review, I'll order it online (a perfect example is Mr. Accident...I really wanted to do Yahoo Serious week and had lost my previous copy so I had to order a new one). And only every so often, If I'm unable to find it anywhere else I'll try to download the film. This is usually a last resort type of thing because I prefer to give my money to time tunnel when given the opportunity.

So there you go, a (maybe a little too) in depth look at how we break up films and where we get our movies from. As an aside, I will state that I am not below taking donations of VHS to the Blog of Thunder!!!! if you have a movie that you think would be perfect for the blog and would like to see it reviewed feel free to drop me a line (moeporne@hotmail.com) and we can work out how you can get it too me. Or if you're looking to unload a VHS collection I'm your man (so long as you're willing to donate them to us, I'm not in a position to offer cash, but will gladly free up that space in your house). I hope you enjoyed this look into our inner workings, which are all about to change because of the potential new writer for the blog and because of the podcasts that we're going to start doing within the next month or so (finally you'll all get to hear my pitch perfect pipes) so yeah big developments going on here at the blog, hope you all stick around to see them.

Drink up...I've got movies to watch

-Moe

Direct Review #27: Final Mission

2010-04-09T15:56:00.000-04:00

Final Mission (1984)-3 stars
Directed By: Cirio H. Santiago
Starring: Richard Young

"Armed with an MG-82---It will take an Army to stop him!"

Who can resist another story about a guy who comes back from Vietnam and gets revenge on some bad guys? NOT US!

"Final Mission" is trying to ride the coattails of the contemporary classic "First Blood". There are many similarities but "Mission" has its own charm.

Vince Deacon (Young) is fighting in the jungle of Laos. It turns out his former buddy Slater, is a traitor working with the VC. After an unnecessary but surprisingly welcome decapitation, we are brought into present day L.A., where Deacon is a tough guy working for the LAPD SWAT team. He breaks up a kidnapping dispatching "Ogre" with ease. He gets suspended for excessive force by classic Irish Captain, Captain O'Riley. (Excessive force = he slices the baddies THROAT!)

Settle down there big guy

Deacon goes on a vacation with his wife and son (who has a bowl haircut) to Pinesville, a rural fishing area. The family is cavorting around and having a grand ole time, then tragedy strikes. A boat explosion kills Deacon's wife and son. Now Deacon is roaring through the small town and trying to get answers and bloody revenge. The sheriff in Pinesville, who resembles Bocephus-era Hank Williams Jr. is a corrupt yokel and his deputy "Moose" is no better. Slater lives on a ranch in town and the local police which may or may not include his brother are all against Vince. But Vince has two tricks up his sleeve, one is his partner Isaac who comes to his aid and the other is when he breaks into a weapons store and steals a gigantic machine gun. Which is apparently called an MG-82. Most small town gun stores have an MG-82 and unlimited ammo right behind the glass.

Store window shopping, right?

What ensues is a barrage of gun-shooting, grenade-throwing violent assault and it goes so out of hand the Army has to step in to stop one man. It's the actual army vs. the steadily-going-insane one man army. Luckily, Vince is in the woods just like in "First Blood". Will the war ever be over for Deacon? Find out today!

One of the best parts of the movie is the theme song to "Final Mission" called "Always on my mind" by Steve Butler. Not to be confused with the Willie Nelson (or Elvis presley) song of the same name. This is a rockin' tune in the A.O.R. vein of Foreigner and Rainbow. The filmmakers know they have a hit song on their hands because they play it at least four times.

Accept this "Mission" and watch this classic tonight!

OK This is a Big Deal and I Wanna Hear from my Readers on this One!!!

2010-04-08T12:10:00.000-04:00

Ok so I was discussing the Blog of Thunder!!!! with some friends and one expressed an interest in something I've been trying to get for this Blog for a while...The female perspective. She offered up her services to review Romantic Comedies (or Rom-Coms as we call them in the industry). And frankly I'm more than happy to let her do it (I can only handle a few of them thar things). So here's the part where you, the readers, come in. I want you to tell me what you think. So there you have it, should we keep her or not?!

While you were sleeping

It seems fitting, what with the media attention on Sandra Bullock’s recent highs (I love ya Sandy, but an Oscar, really?) and lows (Jesse James turns out to be an asshole, whodda thunk?) to discuss my personal favorite movie of hers. And, while I probably watched “Love Potion No. 9” about 35 times in college, my favorite will always be “While You Were Sleeping.”

What’s not to love? All of the classic soap opera (Oops! Strike that…) rom-com themes: A girl with no parents (and apparently only one friend)… Handsome, rich, snooty fella… His down-to-earth cute brother… Kooky parents… Flighty grandmother … Yiddish-speaking neighbor/godfather… And let’s not forget the coma followed by amnesia!

It's like a smorgasbord of crazy

For the uninitiated, here’s the plot: Lucy Moderatz (Sandra Bullock) is a clerk at the gate for the Chicago MTA (but can still manage to rent a pretty sweet apartment a la Singles or Friends). The holiday season is approaching, and because her parents are dead and she has no other family, she always gets stuck working holidays. She has a hot and heavy crush on one of her regular token-buyers. His name is Peter Callahan (Peter Gallagher). He’s hot, he’s rich, he wears fancy-dance overcoats, and she mistakenly thinks he’s a class act. Oh, and he has one hell of a unibrow, which, I’m sorry, I will never find sexy. On Christmas morning, as he sweeps through the gates onto the platform, some street tuffs rob him and shove him onto the tracks (!). Who comes to his rescue, leaping onto the tracks to save him from the express train? Just. In. Time? That’s right: 120-pound-when-soaking-wet Lucy. Thank goodness for hot, compassionate, sober, happy to be at work on Christmas morning, train token sellers…

HAWT!

Cut to the hospital, where Lucy is mistakenly thought to be his fiancée, and never corrects anyone because it’s Christmas for chrissake. The girl has no family! Nowhere to go! Cut her some slack!! Then his parents (Peter Boyle, Micole Mercurio), godfather (Jack Warden), grandmother (Glynis Johns) and sister (Monica Keena) swoop in with concern and can’t believe that: 1.) Lucy works for the MTA. Well, I wouldn’t believe that either. 2.) She saved their son’s life. They, unlike her, are pretty much aware of his assholery, and can’t imagine anyone would risk their life for him. 3.) That their son is engaged to her and never told them (pretty much confirming his asshole status in their collective book). Oh, and they’ve had to postpone Christmas dinner because of all this coma craziness, so they talk Lucy into coming that night. After all, she is the daughter-in-law to be. And guess who’ll be there? Jack. That’s right – the cute brother who work with his hands, drives a truck, dislikes his brother, and rather conveniently -- is not in a coma.

I love you Bill Paxton, you ARE Bill Paxton , right?

Predictable madness ensues.

I must say though that without the talent of the entire cast, this certainly had the potential to devolve into a really long episode of Three’s Company. Yes, there is a monstrously ridiculous misunderstanding. There is a coma, and a bout of amnesia, and a pretty silly wedding-in-the-hospital scene complete with an I.V. stand at the alter, but even with all this you don’t feel like a sick 4th grader homes from school who’s got nothing to watch but Guiding Light. You can get past all the unbelievable clichéd plotlines and characters and enjoy it for what it is: a really well done romantic comedy. I credit Sandra Bullock for a lot of this and the fact that she is a believable girl-next-door who is genuinely funny, and I don’t see how anyone could overlook the endearing way she snorts when she laughs. You can’t help but root for her the whole way.

You lose, She loves Paxton...wait, PULLMAN? oh I'm so embarassed

4 hearts out of 5

Twin Sitters

2010-04-07T14:22:00.005-04:00

Twin Sitters

In a film filled with insane outfits, this one wins first prize

The Anabolically enhanced Paul twins are back again in yet another excuse to make muscle jokes. These guys just get bigger and bigger each time we see them. When we first saw them in the Barbarian Brothers they looked downright svelte compared to in this flick. Though to give them some credit, if you’ve seen pictures of them recently they have gone back to more realistic proportions.

Pictured: unrealistic

This time around they play a couple of bumbling waiters (with either the single worst or single greatest fashion sense depending on how you regard the early 90’s) looking to start up their own restaurant. The bank refuses them a loan because they have nothing but the muscles on their backs for collateral. By chance they wind up in a park serving up their “equity” to the homeless at the same time a business man is meeting with a government agent to turn state’s evidence on a man who was using his trucks to dump toxic waste into the sewer system of L.A. (not sure how they ever noticed). It’s a good thing too because the baddie (Stromm played by the single worst James Bond ever, George Lazenby) hired hitmen to find him and take him out. The dim witted, unarmed twins take these guys out like it was a walk in the park (ugh…sorry).

Really Lazenby?

The man is so thankful that he asks the twins to play babysitter to his nephews. There’s a reason why he thinks Peter and David will work well as their caretakers. See his nephews (spoiler alert) ARE TWINS! To guarantee the twins services he offers them $2500 a day each for a weeks worth of work. In what’s likely to be the least believable scene in the film the guys quickly do the math to determine that it’ll mean $35,000 for their services. They take the job!

Hmmm, What vehicle could possibly have this insane vanity plate?

Subtle guys, real subtle

The entire movie came be summed up in three words: muscles, food and twins. Every joke, every premise, even every action scene boils down to one or more of these things. It gets old kinda quick, but thankfully the Paul brothers have a certain charm that makes getting through this half-baked shit pile not nearly as painful as it could have been. In the end (because this is technically a family film) everything works out and the bad guy gets his. The many sets of twins and one set of triplets all wind up at the new restaurant at the end and thereis much rejoicing (yay yay). Seriously though, Twin sitters is yet another example of why a man named Paragon needs to look up the definition of the word before he tries to exemplify it. If you liked the other Barbarian Brothers films watch twin sitters because frankly it’s pretty much the same thing, if you didn’t…don’t wasteyour time.

This has to set some kind of twin record, four sets in the same shot

Ahh triplets, I knew something was missing

6 out of 10

Drink up…I’ve got movies to watch!

- Moe

P.S. This was the first review I’ve done so far where I personally supplied every single screen grab. I’m talking to field of crap cinema reviews to the next stage in crap cinema review technology HA!

As a bonus, LOOK AT THIS GUY'S FACE! KIL IT WITH FIRE!!

Direct Review #26: Ring Of Fire (1991)

2010-04-07T13:49:00.001-04:00

Ring Of Fire (1991)-3 stars
Directed By: Richard W. Munchkin
Starring: Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Maria Ford, Vince Murdocco, and Gary Daniels

“Ring Of Fire” is an above-average beat-em-up but with a strong romantic component.

Highly watchable, think “Romeo & Juliet” but with more kicking.

Where fore art thou, uh, er Dragon-eo

“The Dragon” stars as Johnny Woo, a good-natured doctor who is constantly treating victims of white and Chinese gangs who are always getting into brawls both in and out of the ring. His brother Terry (Steven Vincent Leigh) is a professional martial artist who fights in the ring. The two brothers practice by their pool. Despite Johnny’s superior abilities he chooses to heal and not to fight. As he says: “You beat ‘em up, I patch ‘em up”.)

Sgt. Lopez (Michael Delano) is trying to break up the warring factions but is unsuccessful. Enter Julie (Ford) who listens to a fortune cookie and begins to fall in love with Johnny. The problem is she’s engaged to jerk Chuck (Murdocco) who coincidentally is a martial artist and hates Chinese people with a passion and is friends with Julie’s brother Brad. When Johnny and Terry’s pal who is the comic relief of the film, gets beat up by the evil white gang, Johnny and Terry are out for revenge. The final battle involves a “Ring Of Fire” and attaching broken glass to your hands. Chuck is crazy enough to actually go through with it.

Vince Murdocco, Yeah we didn't know who he was either

One of the most interesting aspects of the movie is the racial conflict and it’s not sugarcoated. Racial epithets are used incessantly.

Approves

What is worthy about ‘Fire is that you care about all the characters including their mothers and grandmothers which is unusual for an action movie. Sure, there is a shot of Aunt Mei which is so scary it will haunt your dreams, but usually she is kindly and dispenses wisdom.

For example, when the comic relief guy gets beat up, you care because he stole the movie with one of the best lines: (“Have some of Bruce Lee’s favorite drink – Wataaaaaaahhhh!”) before he punches and kicks his opponent in the ring. Why aging, balding, overweight punks in their mid to late 40’s (except for Gary Daniels who is inexplicably hangin’ out with those dudes…) have nothing better to do than chase an innocent Asian man around Venice Beach (In some in the same exact places as the classic ”Thrashin”) and pull down his pants, the world may never know.

Nobody called Gary Daniels a Honkey thankfully

Brad looks like Vanilla Ice and has funny outfits. Brad and Chuck are stupid, unlikable oafs. Brad seals his fate as the ultimate jerk when he interrupts Julie’s aerobics class and slaps her in front of everybody. Contrast this with the tender romance with Johnny. They go to Chinese New Year festivities and they go the beach. We know Julie loves Johnny for his true self because at a masquerade ball, he is dressed as the phantom of the opera and the romance begins. Brad and Chuck on the other hand look really gay with leather straps and skirts. Clearly Johnny is the winner here. The romance between Johnny and Julie take a dive when Julie shows up to a funeral wearing a black dress (and in Asian culture that is inappropriate.) Will Johnny and Julie triumph over racist evil? Find out today!

Little known fact: Don 'The Dragon" Wilson was a master thespian before learning the martial arts and seemingly forgetting how to act...it's true

Wilson’s martial arts skills are slick but we could’ve seen more. “Ring Of Fire” spawned two sequels: “Ring Of Fire II: Blood and Steel” and “Ring Of Fire 3: Lion Strike”.

Get into the “Ring” with this classic tonight!

A current "The Dragon" picture proving he can still lift his leg at 79 years old, just kidding, we love you Don

Direct Review #25: Massacre (1985)

2010-04-06T15:25:00.001-04:00

This flick is so well known there are NO pictures of it online, minus one tiny thumbnail (see below)

Massacre (1985)-2 stars

AKA: The Border Of Tong

Directed By: Michael Chu

Starring: David Heavener

"There's only one thing deadlier than the Chinese Mafia... An Angry Cop!"

"Massacre" is a confusing and amateurish production, but on the bright side it features a young David Heavener in his first ever role!

Oh what a cute little heavener, yes you are, yes you are*pinches cheeks*

After an unhelpful Star Wars-like crawl at the opening of the film, the paper-thin plot starts off with a "Massacre" where 12 people get shot in Chinatown. Detective Randy Walker (Heavener) is assigned to the case. During his inspection of the crime scene, he finds a origami grasshopper, which is his only clue. Meanwhile, one of the shooters (who looks more and more like Jackie Chan as the movie progresses) flees to Canada and starts to feel remorseful for his actions. He and a prostitute fall in love and attempt to start a new life, but unluckily for them, Walker is hot on his trail.

Heavener doesn't say anything until at least a half-hour into the film, but words might not be necessary because of his tight jeans, rockin' hair, cool bomber jacket, and his proclivity to sit on chairs backwards (the cool way aka: the only way). While sitting in that position and resting his arms comfortably on top of the chair, he is getting yelled at by "The Chief". Who is disgruntled (of course) looks like Don Rickles, and apparently is named "Capt. Boxberger". Viewers are treated to endless close-ups of Heavener's studly face. However, this may be because of poor framing issues. Technical issues such as these, permeate the whole film. For example, if you are going to dub the characters voices, they shouldn't be more unintelligible than the original track. Thus the dialogue is an nigh unhearable, muffled, garbled mess.

Speaking of audio misunderstandings, Walker is always misunderstanding Chinese customs. One scene in particular stands out where Walker is asking for some Chinese food but has happened into the main brothel of the movie. The waiter/pimp states what is on offer are "girls" but because of his thick accent, Walker mistakenly thinks the special of the day is a food called "Garls". He asks for a "Garls" special with a Coke. Something ensues, if not hilarity. There are other examples, but this is the best one.

Walker fights a guy who is the Chinese version of John Oates of "Hall & Oates" fame. After beating up more people, there is a "Love Theme from Massacre" and then a very off-kilter ending. "Massacre" would make a great double feature with "Tongs: An American Nightmare" with Simon Yam.

Oates was surprised we were talking about him too

The Very Best of Daryl Hall & John Oates (this is a test of my shilling abaility)

Cross the border of TONG tonight with this classic!

Other Heavener flicks that HAD pictures:

My Year in Disturbing Film: Week 14 - Still Truckin'

2010-04-05T09:15:00.007-04:00

My year in disturbing film is my weekly column where I devote a few paragraphs to the most fucked up films ever made. Each week I plan on subjecting myself to the most horrific and mentally damaging imagery my mind can handle. I can't promise you this won't be the week I wind up in the hospital...

HERE is a reminder about my rating system for these films

Hmmm so what torment is in store for me this week...

The Girl Next Door – pray it’s not you

What’s the movie about?
Based on a true story of a girl taken in by a relative after her parents are killed in an accident. It’s a fairly straight forward plot, the real guts of the film revolve around what happens to said girl once she gets to the relatives house and this of course begs the question…

David and Meg...in happier times

Is the film disturbing?
Oh there’s little doubt about that! The story opens with a man named David, after he witnesses a man get hit by a car and almost die he starts thinking about life and death. It reminds him of an incident that happened to him in his youth. Meg and her younger sister have already had a pretty rough life. Their parents have died and now they have to go live with their auntie Ruth. Ruth makes it abundantly clear right from the beginning that she doesn’t like them. She insists that Meg is putting on weight and she shouldn’t be eating anything and her sister should learn to be useful, despite having braces on her legs and needs crutches to walk.

Ruth - Loving Matron

Ruth punishes the girls needlessly and ruthlessly. She beats the sister with a toilet brush after Meg hits one of her four obnoxious, perverted, demented kids for grabbing her boob during an impromptu tickle session. Things finally come to a head though and Meg finds herself tied up in the basement. She lets her boys loose on Meg and before long Meg is stripped, gagged and blindfolded. This would have been bad enough it this is where it ended, but it just gets worse. Meg is systematically beaten to a pulp, tortured and raped. Mostly by Ruth’s shitbox progeny, but the local neighborhood kids get involved as well (both the boys and some of the girls). All the while Ruth explains her sexist theories about why girls are shit and how they’re all whores and worthless. A very model of a modern mother, don’t you think?

They're a good bunch of kids...no really

Seeing as the entire story is told from David’s point of view, he’s present for all the atrocities. He’s also the only one who tried to help her during the entire ordeal. It’s pretty apparent that David is a nice guy; he’s the only nice guy in this thing aside from the cop who eventually helps them at the end. Also David is subjected to witness some of the most violent acts he will likely ever see in his life. The worst of which involves watching Meg getting branded with the words “I fuck, fuck me” and having a blowtorch taken to her most private of areas.

She still has clothes, so this must be early in the film

This is not an easy film to sit through, I can deal with rape and I can deal with torture so to speak, but what I always have the hardest time with (and I find this fascinating since I had never noticed this before I started this little experiment) watching a beautiful young lady turned from sweet and innocent to winding up a shell of her former self (and in this case, her untimely death). It’s just incredibly sad and no one should have to go through that. This is one of the few films on my list that touched me on a deeper level and definitely disturbed me to no end. I remember having the images in The Girl Next Door stick with me for quite some time after viewing the first time and I suspect the same will occur this time around. Though I do recommend it, I will say be weary. It’s not a film for the faint of heart.

Brutal

5 ruined childhoods out of 5

Disturbitude: 9, though I doubt the filmmakers started out with the idea of putting people in the hospital with this one it’s a deeply disturbing story that may just succeed, even if unintentional.

Cyborg

2010-04-02T09:13:00.010-04:00

Cyborg

In the pantheon of muscle bound meathead leading men Van Damme was once king. Those days are long over, but for one fleeting moment the man could do no wrong. You got a script about a man traveling on foot across a post apocalyptic wasteland trying to get a half robot to (insert city here) so they can give the data needed to make a cure for some mystery affliction and get life back in order. Oh but you say that there’s a madman chasing the man because he LOVES the death and destruction. Shit, sounds like a winner to me. GREENLIGHT!

Executive Koala says "MAKE IT HAPPEN"

Congratulations, you just made Cyborg Starring Jean Claude Van Damme (couldn’t he have shortened that?) and a dude who looks creepily like my 3rd grade bus driver. The villain is seriously insane looking; he’s got these nasty dreads that he keeps in a ponytail, but they don’t actually start TIL the ponytail. So we got dirty extensions guy who wears 80’s baseball player wrap around glasses and chain mail for some reason. He looks like he’s always ready for some half-elf fighter/thief to pounce on him with his +4 dagger of invulnerability (god that sounded nerdy...meh whatever).

Ready for those pesky Orcs and slingers

The basic story for cyborg is pretty much what I mentioned above. Van Damme plays a “slinger”(I guess that’s what they call a person with no job, no discernable way of survival, but carries a huge fucking knife) who is “hired” by the half robot/ half woman cyborg (hence the title) with a bad wig to protect her till she gets to..uh, some city. The city doesn’t really matter; it seems to be a very minor plot point even though it’s supposed to be the MAIN PLOT POINT! Van Damme, apparently not being very good at his supposed job loses her and then spends the rest of the movie playing catch up with a chick with the single worst boob job I’ve seen in ages who decides to tag along because she wants to make sure the chick is safe.

A practical guide for recognizing your slingers: Chatpter one - BIG FUCKING KNIFE

Here’s the thing, whoever wrote this half robot/ half turd (I call it a turdborg) must have been a guitar-obsessed freak. Van Damme’s name in the film is, get this, GIBSON RICKENBACKER! So he’s not named after one, but TWO guitars and the villain is named Fender Tremolo(the only way that name could have gotten worse is if it were Stratocaster). These are names you’d almost expect in Six String Samurai, had it not been a significantly classier action flick. But this is not a classy flick so we get Gibson v. Fender in a fight to the death. And believe you me they fight to the death.

Ladies and gentleman, the writer of Cyborg...makes a lot of sense now

Cyborg actually isn’t that bad as far as Van Damme films are concerned, but the premise, story and acting are sub-par at best and laughable at worst. This is the kind of film you’d watch with a bunch of friends and take a shot every time Van Damme mispronounces a word, looks unnecessarily pensive or makes a silly face while fighting. Make sure you have multiple bottles on hand because drinking will be done. It seems like a film that would be better drunk. Maybe I’ll try that one of these days and let you know.

I told you he was bad at his job, who gets crucified their first week?!

Till next time, Drink up…I’ve got movies to watch

-Moe

7 out of 10

My Top Ten Favorite Films

2010-04-01T13:45:00.015-04:00

My Top Ten Favorite Films

10.) Armageddon -
My favorite director, Michael Bay starts off my list with his subtle tale of loss and woe. If there's anything that Bay is good at it's nuance. The man can speak volumes with the slightest shift of the camera or the use of a solar flare effect. I'm thankful most days that I live in a time when I can appreciate this future lifetime acheivement award winner while he's still producing his art.

Michael Bay enjoying a typical breakfast

9.) The Notebook -
For those of you who know me well enough it's pretty clear that I'm an unapologetic Nicholas Sparks fan. When I originally found out that they had made The Notebook (my second favorite of his works after the Last Song, which will likely replace this on the list after I see it)I was amazed at the depth of feeling portrayed by the leads and was amazed at how I couldn't get more then ten minutes without having to stop the film due to my constant stream of tears (both of joy and of sadness *I'm tearing up now just thinking about it*) I can't go on...

Makes me cry every time *sniff sniff*

8.) Must Love Dogs -
What's better than an award worthy romantic comedy. How this movie didn't sweep the oscars is beyond me. John cusack gave a tour de force performance and at least deserved a best lead male academy award. It's a film for the fans of dogs and of love...in all of us.

Canine appreciation required

7.) Bad Boys/Bad Boys II -
As a man I find action films irresistable and with Michael Bay behind the helm it doesn't get much better than the Bad Boys movies. With skillful and competent like Lawrence and Smith playing the leads how could you go wrong. Yet another example of Bays use of shading and subtlety to portray the greater emotional spectrum that the lead actors are putting forth. A knockout punch of pure talent that you'll find yourself watching over and over again.

6.) 13 going on 30 -
There are few finer actresses than Jennifer Garner. Her cinematic range is put to the test in the existential masterpiece of a young girl flowering into an adult overnight. Much like kafka's metamorphosis minus the unnecessary Blattarian imagery. Jennifer's enuii dealing with her situation is inspired and can motivate any young girl (or grown man) to tears with empathy for her conundrum. Watch it with a rag to dry your tears and a good friend to rest your head on.

This brings me back to the days when I discovered I had sprouted breasts

5.) Daredevil -
The other half of the power couple popularly called "Aflner" stars in this, the finest example of comic movie adaptations ever created. Simply put this is the finest film based on a comic...period.

THE BEST EVER!

4.) Good Luck Chuck (or really any Dane Cook Film) -
One cannot discuss subtlety without mentioning the master thespian Dane Cook. My maw stands agape whene I can bear witness to the man perform his art. Not one to sully his audience's experience with dullardry or creating a manic specticle with tomfoolery. Cook stands head and shoulders about his competition by keeping himself a notch above the rest. One has not lived until they have witness Dane in his shining role as a man named Chuck. He makes me shudder with antici.....pation for his next role (I have goosebumps just thinking about it)

I have no idea what this picture means

3.) The Passion of the Christ -
As the majority of you know I am what one would call a devout Catholic and once I had heard Mel Gibson had created a passion play for the big screen I knew I had to be first in line. I camped for four days to get my tickets and when the booth opened I got myself tickets for every showing that day and the next. The film moved me to tears with it's accurate and even handed portrayal of my lord christ. Passion really is the best word to describe it.

Passion!

2.) Any and all remakes -
Remakes are the backbone of the film industry. They are what keeps the inspirational juices flowing and we'd be in a worse place if they stopped making them. I cannot say a single bad thing about remakes. They are the reason I run this Blog and the reason why I continue to live without putting a bullet in my brain. I love remakes, all of them.

A prime example of my reason for breathing

1.) Transformers 2: Revenge of the fallen -
I know it's the obvious choice for me given my love for the Hollywood Talent Michael Bay, but allow me this indulgence this once. I want to give all my love to the man who has gone out of his way in the last decade to give me everything I've ever wanted in a film. And with Transformers 2: Revenge of the fallen he managed to give me more than I could ever hope and dream for in one adroit two and a half hour package

Bay-Bee

Critters 2 - Kill Krites!

2010-04-01T12:36:00.009-04:00

Critters 2

Holy Shit! The Krites are back or more specifically they actually never left. It’s been a couple years since the events of the first movie and we find ourselves back in the same small town living the same small town lives. The brown residence has been vacant since the last incident and if you remember how part 1 ends you know there are eggs in the barn. Well the local metalhead finds them and thus begins all the trouble. Thank heavens our polymorphous bounty hunters have already gotten the call and are one their way.

Fuck you eggs, this is your fault

Critters 2 takes a lot of its queues from the first movie, just with a slightly higher bit of production value, more gore and a sillier tone thanks to the likes of the one and only (our personal favorite at the blog of thunder) Mr. Eddie Deezen! When the burst onto the scene the bounty hunters (we come to learn are named ug and lee…yes I think the pun is intended) lee is still in the form he took on in the first film. That would be the guise of rock and roll superstar Johnny Steele. Ug on the other hand has yet to find a form that fits. Thank goodness they find a playboy on their way into town or else we would have been deprived of a tit shot…hey, remember when you could show tits in a PG-13 film? If you’re under 25, the answer is probably no! So sad.

I'm guessing these two are named Ug and Lee as well

So we got these little shits running all over the place eating anything they can get their hands on and causing all sorts of calamity. This is the brunt of the flick; the critters eat shit, get shot at, roll away or gather together into a big ball and roll TOWARDS the people shooting. It’s a simple story, but it’s terribly effective. To date I know people who can’t sit through the critters movies because they are terrified of the little bastards. Frankly I totally understand why, the things can be horrifying.

You'd be scared!

Critters 2 doesn’t really expand on the premise, but gives us an interesting look on how quickly the Krites develop from hatchling to deadly killing machine. Needless to say in the end the good guys win (or do they?) and they set it up nicely for a sequel. Critters 2 is still a pretty quality film so you’ll definitely enjoy it if you liked the first one. It’s just not quite as frightening. Watch it for the tits and the Deezen and you’ll be satisfied when you’re done.

Deezen plays a brilliant double role as a fast food worker and then for a stint as Ug

8 out of 10