From the Pen of Aman

SE13

2025-05-10T01:18:00.003+05:30

I imagine a day where I, unshackled, walk up to the intercom and press the numbers to Alaska. I'm instantly transported to a memory that I know I cherish. Roller-coastering to Bank, walks to see the bow of a landlocked ship, seeing the majestic laser into the night sky and just existing. Even something as mundane as getting a tv cabinet or buying a carpet can be unforgettable. You know?

At the wharfy junction, you have a choice. You take the train going the direction you want. Maybe life doesn't have to be a single shade of your choosing. Sometime life chooses for you. And sometimes, it's a rainbow. Alas, we don't always have all the time we want.

The 80% people

2025-04-21T12:20:00.000+05:30

Have you ever looked at something you built and wondered if it's good enough?

I always thought that things you do have a diminishing rate of return after a certain point. And as the completion rate nears 100%, the effort needed to move the needle tends to infinity. At one point, you start wondering if it makes sense to spend more effort on it or just call it a day and be content with the current state. It's a paradoxical situation where for something to be completed perfectly, it requires a seemingly limitless amount of effort. It implies a scenario where the task, while finished, demands continuous and unbounded exertion, in order to maintain perfection.

That's where the 80% rule comes in - at some point you realize that no matter how much effort you physically put in something, it barely moves the needle. This is the point where the curve it at its peak and it requires extraordinary efforts to make a difference. So, you call it a day and be content with what you've got, which is mostly north of 80% of the thing you started out to achieve. Pretty good I'd say, but I know some will disagree.

It's choosing imperfect happiness over a toiling perfection. You need to remind yourself that you are the one in-charge of your situation - you need to call the shots. You know what it is like to put everything you have into something and feeling the frustration of not being able to make a difference. You can just take solace in the fact that you did everything in your power to move the needle but sometimes, expectations do not match and that's okay.

I'm choosing to believe in light at the end of the tunnel right now. Not because I need to but because I want to.

Fleeting

2025-04-12T20:57:00.000+05:30

Life's fleeting. Ain't no two ways 'bout that. One moment can define a decade of love, passion, care and happiness. Other times centuries go by without a memory to hold on to. It ain't hard too, you know. Life. It ain't hard - it just is. However long it is. The very nature of life keeps us moving forward, knowing mortality is just a step in understanding oneself. We all are afflicted by it, yet no one wants to acknowledge.

In the rhythm of life, we sometimes forgot what is really important. Is it your job? Is it your family? Or is it a larger cause? What is important for oneself? Sometimes nature gives us clues that we ignore for too long. At moments like these, you do question everything around you. Never knowing where things are going. The answer is clear but to people who stop and listen. It's hard to really stop and listen though before it's late.

Any questions?

©2025 Aman Gupta

Traffic

2016-08-16T01:02:00.000+05:30

Speeding past in the window. Coming to instant standstill at times. Traffic is all around us. Fleeting taillights and distancing engine sounds. I guess it's something ingrained inside us all. Something akin to the nature of life. Fleeting at times but coming to a standstill at other times.
As every little taillight stops at the distant traffic lights, sometimes it's better to stop and have a look around before moving ahead. A short break from the rush and a moment to catch your breath. I guess a normal driver on the road gets to experience a fair number of these breaks.
Over some time, all the little lights gather next to each other, waiting for a signal to go ahead. The signal turns green. A blur follows. Sometimes it gets too hard trying to make sense of this zooming blur. Light after light are rushing past the window, it becomes impossible to discern any meaning except the pace of these lights. You give up on making sense and just see the lights running off in the distance.
Some intersections are supposed to be like that. I suppose.

©2016 Aman Gupta

Serenity

2015-10-01T01:11:00.001+05:30

Searching for a direction. Generally guided by forces of incomprehension and irrelevance, my thoughts wander in search for a retreat. A place without time, troubles, deadlines, diseases, wars and full of hope. A place so basic, every thing is tranquil.

Sadly, it has eluded for most part of my life. There were always moments when I felt within grasping range of its shores but they are scattered and always seem to show contempt at me for some reason. Coming so close and going away again. As always, there were many paths which led to my station and I've nearly trodden all of them.

“In the middle of this journey, we lose a bit of ourselves. We do not know where we are or where we’re headed. We look for directions, seek for guidance, and if we’re lucky, we find it without too much time lost. And if we’re truly lucky, we gain our whole selves back, with an ounce of wisdom on top.”

It's easy to just raise your hands in the air, give up your liberty to those who value it less and are always up in arms with their ideals to force down everyone's throats. Then it is no longer your retreat. It is someone else's. And it will not represent the values your cherish, nor the ones which brings you peace.

I guess, there's always a way. A hidden path if you will.

It's up to you to find your way in.

"You can't take the sky from me."

©2015 Aman Gupta

30-ish

2015-09-04T22:58:00.001+05:30

“Too many times,” his standard response, “I don’t really keep count.”

Today was my second day at the Pool and here I was ‘chatting’ him up like I’ve known him for years. He was an interesting character, no doubt, but there was something else about him that egged me to keep on talking with him, even after yesterday’s ‘accident’. I guess it was his confidence which lent the required weight to his chatter, more than anything.

“A good day then, huh?” I asked him, knowing his response already.

“It was neither bad nor particularly good I’d say.” He said as he dipped in his head for some bubbling exercise.

I guess he says that about everything.

“There’s one thing that I don’t get, why did he even say yes in the first place?” I asked him, hoping for a definite answer this time round. “I mean, this guy doesn’t know you, hasn’t seen you in the office before today, let alone working together, and yet he says yes without ever asking you about specifics?”

“Let me just say that he didn’t need to. At least he thinks that, so it doesn’t really matter.” He said pulling his glasses down. He was getting ready for his first lap. He has this fixation with numbers and today he said it looks like a 30-ish day to the guy on the locker counter.

I’m still thinking about what he just told me when he returns from his lap. “Too much chlorine today, again.” Not surprising, public pools here are rarely maintained like their private counterparts. “30 is good here.”

He returns a minute later. “Maybe it is a bit too much after all.” He says after removing his goggles. “What’s the matter? You seem a bit upset.”

“Too much of chlorine for my taste as well.” I lied.

Yesterday I saw this man go crazy mad over the poor lifeguard for a nonissue and here’s him asking me what is causing me to be upset, after he just told me what transpired in his office today.

He put on his goggles, “Well, swim up or you’ll be holding your breath for nothing.”

I work in a big company, handling the end product QA, have 5 people reporting to me hourly at work, clients of my company calling every other day complaining about random nonissues and yet, I’ve never met someone as obnoxious as this guy free styling across the length of pool in his blue speedo.

“So, what are going to say to him when you meet him tomorrow?” I asked him when he returned.

“Nothing really. That is if I do meet him at all tomorrow.”

I looked at him again. He’s probably in his late 20’s, working in some new company which recently opened its offices here in this city, probably some leased space on the fringes of urban sprawl. Don’t think he yet understands that he may have ruined the life of his work colleague in a matter of minutes.

“When do you plan to start out?”

He just shrugged and went for his last lap of the evening.

He returns 5 minutes later, “I guess after the shower.”

Left Unsaid

2015-05-16T22:46:00.000+05:30

As my dear readers will recall and people close to me can testify, I'm content with things left unsaid. The feeling of never ending captured my heart and I took to it as inspiration to go on. This is probably the reason why there is not a single post here which gives an accurate insight into my mind.

So anyway, this is a very personal post and maybe not of interest to you but if you feel like reading, well, I can't really jump out of your screen and stop you from doing it.

Most people find it odd if not altogether disturbing that I don't like speaking to people about what goes in my head, how I feel about them or even how the morning coffee at the local coffee place was high on caffeine. Such important things when left unsaid may ultimately lead to people thinking that I don't really care or I don't value them or worse, that I'm a caffeine addict. (which incidentally, I am)

Ah well, I guess you can probably tell where I'm heading with this. 2015 was supposed to be my last year void of workplace tensions. Last year with friends, which I had thought of making the best of, back in 2011. Yes, 2015 was the planned year of me passing college education to step in the world of people hustling and making a living.
But the most predictable thing about life is its unpredictability.

I won't be passing college in 2015, I won't be passing from my college at all actually now that I think about it. Things like this become trivial as time passes but I guess, for now and for me, it is a bigger deal than I had thought - solely in the way it has impacted my view of world.

Well, simply put, an average human meets ~80,000 persons in his not so average lifetime of ~30,000 days. That works out to roughly 2.67 people met per day of life lived. How, if I may ask, are we supposed remember them all?

The answer is, we don't.

We don't need to remember all those 80,000. Just a little cozy number of 100 works great for most. Something every little neocortex can handle.

Well, think of it this way, if you had 100 tickets for this years Google I/O to give away, you'd want to give those to people who you'd actually want to talk to about the latest memory optimization in chromium. (No, you're not coming. Maybe next time.)

What I'm really trying to say is, sometimes, there are people whom we may have never met before but we can still relate to them, and not just because of the shared food and drinks over some cake and.... mmm... cake...

... and then there are people who you've probably known for the most part of your adolescence. Spunky, quirky, spontaneous, brilliant...

... people you can be non-adult around. I mean, not everything has to serious. Right?

... it would be a shame if it was though. We'd missing on so much of fun and laughter and adventure and most importantly, good coffee...

... and er, some other things...

... but even more importantly, more cake over some more shared stuff...

... and some over not shared stuff too I guess...

... Not to forget how some certain emotions are very contagious, spreading across everyone present...

... and very quickly too. But don't just take my word for it..

... go out and see for yourself.

So you see, it isn't that great or anything. Just some people meeting some more people along the journey of life. It isn't that complex, or easy, for that matter. You really gotta hold your own, or there's no telling....

... where you might get swept off to.

Always remember, The End Is the Beginning Is the End.

... not everything needs telling. But I guess some do deserve to be told. Nothing left unsaid I guess.

The Road

2014-12-11T19:15:00.000+05:30

I suppose it does get a bit contrived towards the end. I mean, as time goes by, the charm walks along with it. Or, maybe runs. Hell, I'd say it even has a strap on rocket launcher, but then that would be too particular of me.

It was like walking on a long road. It was not the smoothest of roads, but well, it was one with the charms. At least at the beginning of it. Well, it was like any other road in ways that it twisted and turned and even kind of forgot its own way in the middle but always did find it later. Not the smoothest of roads, but well, it really had the charm. It's really fun, walking down this road. Lots of new things to see and feel and observe.
Not the smoothest of the lot but well, it still has the charm going for it. Really long though, no doubt. I wonder what it'd be like if it were smooth. Probably not that good. I'm already at a very bright horizon, led to by the road. But it really isn't that smooth you know. Kind of difficult to walk, if you ask me. But hey, there's always the charm of it. Yep, it's there alright.
It's been some time, my feet hurt from walking on the road. You see, it isn't the smoothest of the lot. The charm's still here. No doubt. That should be enough. Slipped up on the road a couple of times, hurt my knees, but that's alright. If you walk a road, and roads are made to be walked on, you will trip once in a while. Okay, a couple of times. Alright, a dozen. It's quite fine really. I'm too busy noticing the way and admiring the wonders to pay much thought to it.
It really has been long now. Travelling on the road. No it is definitely not smooth. Kind of rocky lately. My feet's all bleeding from the sole. The charm, yeah it's here somewhere beneath all the rocks but the rocks hurt for the most part.
Alright, I think it's enough. My feet are wobbling and giving up on me and while I think I can crawl on ahead, I don't think more injuries would do me any more good. It's a road alright, not smooth and too rocky. The charm was there but it's buried beneath all these rocks thrown by the road. Can't really see it anymore.
I think I'll stop now. Say bye to it for the last time, always afraid of it. But there's no more way ahead on the road. More rocks maybe.

The road's not smooth. But it's a road alright.

©2014 Aman Gupta

कुछ केहना था

2014-07-15T23:57:00.004+05:30

This is me trying myself at a Hindi composition. Sincere apologies to non-Hindi readers.
----

यूं तो कुछ केहना था, लेकिन

समझ नही पाया की आखिर कहाँ से शुरू करूं,

अंत मे कुछ नही बोलना ही सही समझा

देख कर तुम्‍हे याद तो आई थी कुछ बातेँ,

मैं समझ नही सका की कहाँ छुपी थी यें,

अंत मे कुछ नही बोलना ही सही समझा

पूछने पर तुम्हारे कुछ बोलना चाहता था,
शायद सोचा था की बोलना ज़रूरी नही होता,
क्यूंकि हर बार की तरह इस बार भी मेरी आँखों ने दोखा दिया था मुझे,
लेकिन तुम समझ नही पायी, इसलिये

अंत मे कुछ नही बोलना ही सही समझा

----

Edge

2014-06-21T00:23:00.000+05:30

You ever get that feeling, when you've put in everything you've got into something and at the end you feel like standing alone on an edge?

Fueling the pump which moves the black thing in my veins, the never fading echo falls on my ears and the world is silent again. The hum of the winds, buzzing of bees and the smell of trees - lost in the deep abyss. When the rusty wheels derail off a slippery track, it's most probably the end of line. Washed up on the shore, crashing waves reminds me of a distant collision. The building of a crescendo, a singular point of convergence. All roads lead to the empty bookstore.

Sitting alone on the edge, with one foot resting in air, looking at the stars and wondering if someone's listening to the fading beat of the heart. You can only go on for so long, the wind says. Head bowed to circumstance, this spot of secularism your lone vigil. They tell of good places, the gardens, the waterfalls, the rivers shimmering in moonlight, the view from top of the Khalifa, lying in the shadow of Giza, would have been nice to visit someplace I guess. The grimace hides behind it a lifetime worth of troubles from the obvious eyes. The eerie silence makes it feel like a second home, one can always get lost in drifting noise and people, it feels almost nearly good here. Almost glad, I suppose.

You keep pushing forward and forward, until it's the end of the road. And all roads lead to the empty bookstore. I almost want to be there now. I'd pick silence over noise of life any day.

You can only go on for so long... and all roads lead to the empty bookstore.

©2014 Aman Gupta

It's Easy When You Think About It

2014-04-24T18:41:00.002+05:30

I don't suppose we always have a way with some sort of people. A way for them to see us in a different light, to see others in a dull one. To stand out. But when you think about it, it's the most easiest thing to do in a world where everyone and everything has a tendency to fall together. Everyone is connected to everything around them - even the most detached kind of person will name one thing this person connects to, present or past. This is the problem, see?
Take away that one thing, the one simple thing, and you have conquered the lights men.
People are in love with the idea of this thing they feel attached to. Not understanding the difference between the real and the projected. It's so easy when I think about it, yet I look for more meaning in such simple world of thought.

Do not think about Elephants. What are you thinking about?

Always gets me. Heh.

©2014 Aman Gupta

Wait, It gets better

2014-04-19T16:04:00.001+05:30

I don't suppose the coffee has anything to do with the events I'm not going to not describe for you here. These events may or may not have happened in reality and you are at liberty to form your own narrow opinions.

I suppose the sun was down and it was getting a bit nippy - even with warm fire we were all sitting in front of. Now that I think about it, it might have been the snowfall combined with the unholy winds in those parts which was making us all shiver out uninteresting random stories.
As we were all looking at the dwindling excuse of a fire while shaking violently, I couldn't help but notice the lack of plot this story of mine would have if I were to write it down for my mediocre audience. So I gave a nod to everyone, which no one noticed, and went back to my room, which again, no one noticed - pondering about what the actual hell am I doing here with my life - for exactly 3 seconds. The room was just 10 ft away from the fire. But once I got in the room, I welcomed the uncool air and unwarmed blankets, a refreshing change from the shared room I had to share yesterday. I took off my messy boots and threw them around the room as if I wouldn't need them the first thing in the morning for the trek - which coincidentally, was the exact thing I had to do first thing in the morning. Took off my soaked socks and went into the cocoon that was my bed with multiple layers of warm blankets over it.
I perhaps dozed off because the next thing I remember now was me lying over the freezing floor with my right leg still stuck in the blanket - which was odd because I slept on the right hand side of the bed. With the sleep gone and my left side of body paralyzed from cold, I figured the best way to spend time till morning was to continue wasting time on thinking about how to waste time. Most of the thoughts centered around what was climbing down my back - until it turned out to be a spider. After that the night was slow and my thoughts wandered from music to tablecloth to having a bowl of hot stew. After having my imaginary yet vividly detailed bowl of stew, I went back to thinking about the question of life and everything. The answer was 28.
That was as good as answer as any. What really got me thinking was why are we really here, our purpose in the grand scheme of things and whether I will have eggs for breakfast. The answer to at least one of the questions was a yes. I once read a very dramatic quote on a message board written with a bad typographic font about the purpose of life.

"To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel. That is the purpose of life."

It all sounded ridiculous at first, but believe me, as the night got longer and quite all I could think about was how have I lived my life up till this point and if I would have butter on my toast at the breakfast. (I was really hungry)

I don't think I've really lived life the best way possible, the instruction manual was really outdated and should really have served as just mere guidelines. And while I'm not going jumping off the next cliff I climb with my bear feet in the Himalayan range and I'm definitely not going diving in pacific without proper breathing apparatus on a soviet era fishing/navy steamer - I'm still going to spend more time out than time in. And I started by making my way to the kitchen, asking for leftover dessert.

It was bit nippy though, I took my blanket along.

A Part that's empty

2014-01-18T14:44:00.002+05:30

It's not easy, you know. It never is. To fill an empty space you need a piece of the same size as the hole - and I'll tell you, it's not easy. How I see it is that I think there are two options to solve it- Either we find the piece that will supposedly fit or we try living with that hole and pretend it doesn't bother us. I always thought finding pieces is easy but then again, there never was such a big emptiness as it is now.

The jagged nature of the cavity only makes it difficult. Reaching into boundaries and leaving the prickling sensation when it's absent. It really reaches far in. I don't really suppose that hope's ever lost but I guess hoping here is futile. There may never be a perfect piece to fit and I don't suppose moulding some piece is the right way to absolutely fix this.

That leaves me the only other option I can come up with on my own- living with it. Living with the sensation, the temptation and the constant need to hear the pulse- doesn't really sound that good but it's an option preferable to hoping for a recovery. Because, sometimes, hope can be a poison which when pushed will make you lie to yourself for comfort. It's not healthy, believe me.

I will endure. The sensation's not unfamiliar, just the intensity. The light may be gone in summer, but winter is the time when it gets dark early.

It's up to you to flick it on.

©2014 Aman Gupta

Tracks

2013-08-26T12:59:00.001+05:30

Alone on A Silent Highway to Infiniteness

We are standing at the railway station. The sultry air filling my nostrils with a foreign smell which does not want to let go of me. The voice of the sea is still ringing in my ears, the memories, still fresh before my eyes. It's nearly time, I whisper.
The two set of tracks leading into the station, reminds of a choice I wished we never had to make. The tangle of destinies and collision of worlds, it's enough to make anyone's head hurt. Still, we are here. The clock strikes midnight and we start moving ahead. But where are we going?
You can't really tell, I say. There's no saying as to where we might land up. I have some ideas but I can't really be sure. Do you still want to go along?
As long as it's the same place for us.
I manage a smile, hiding the obvious fear of the unknown, I know it isn't hidden really. For, the next second, I am following where I was leading before.
A deep sense of calm strikes me and for a moment, I know nothing can go wrong from here. The train sounds it's whistle, we sprint towards the nearest door and get inside. Did you see where it is going?, I ask.

No, I don't want to either.

Are you coming along?

©2013 Aman Gupta

Swiftly

2013-08-23T20:02:00.003+05:30

Dedicated to Nayanika - you're so sweet and we all love you :)

This one has been long over due and I'm sorry for it.

The wind starts to blow on a lush green landscape, the summer smell reminds me of a distant memory. Everything in sight is painted in the summer colours, yellow, green and blue as far as I can see. As my feet touch the soil, I can tell this sensation will be cherished long after it's gone.
The can feel the wind in my hair. My senses are awake and my eyes try to soak in the mesmerizing sight all at once, which proves to be difficult. The slow coo of birds mixed in perfect harmony with the sound of wind and swaying trees tops, feels musical and magical at once. The great virtuoso pulls the curtains over and it's suddenly starting to rain.
The horizon is a shade of blue-black, with the sun peeking from behind. The sound of rain hitting the earth triggers another memory buried deep. Slow claps of thunder rock the scene but I'm not afraid, I feel overwhelmed at nature's wonderful orchestra. The flash of lightening is streaky and oddly lightens your heart. In an instant, I've let go of it all.
The rain drops tingles the senses, it's cold but heart warming. The water in this rain has travelled very far to be here with you at this moment. This reminds me of home, a distant one.
Slowly, the grey clouds give way to the blue skies and it's bright again. I figure there's a meaning in it all but I'm too hazed too think about it too much. I go back to listening to nature and everything's beautiful again.

©2011-2013 Aman Gupta

Stirrings

2013-08-18T03:01:00.000+05:30

Time is at a standstill. An infinite ocean of dark starry skies. Moments in peace and tranquillity. A long vastness and emptiness settles over you and really, that's just how you want it.

There's a worked out pattern in the universe, everything, more or less, happens according to it. Twirling of stars, beating of hearts and just about everything you can think of. Life itself is a cycle of beginnings and fateful endings. The only real rule of universe is, everything that starts must end sooner or later. Sometimes you thank that things got over sooner than later but mostly, you wish if there was a later to speak of.

The silent night sky cares not for your troubles, it's merely there. At all times. Some people take comfort in embracing this and others just frown and kick air.
The silence is disturbed sometimes by an echo from the deep reaches of the star systems, it can numb your senses for a few seconds but it'll pass and the silence will be restored again.

The darkness isn't new to you, it has always been there. Not as a predator but as an accomplice. There's no running, only embracing.

I'm not alone because others can't embrace the truth. It's because others can't embrace the truth, I'm alone.

You won't be hearing soon. Till it's late.

©2013 Aman Gupta

Connect the dots.

2013-08-15T23:56:00.004+05:30

Follow the letters..

Days keep blurring past, every attempt at deciphering the motion makes my head fuzzy. It's too much speed in too little time. The skeptic reminds me. Life has become a panorama of odd memories haphazardly stitched together. On a wide scale of time, the photograph contains so little of details as possible. I wonder if things are going to change for the better or worse at the next turn. Given my luck, I'll remain just cautiously optimistic.

In the vast landscape of time, there ever comes a moment so amazing that the universe decides to cut forward the scenes, against your wishes. A moment so astounding that language fails to describe it. These moments, however rare and indistinguishable from the scenery, instantly trigger emotions deep and moving.

Known routes only lead to places seen and unknown ones are the window to the rest of the world. You can be struck down with what you will see and suddenly, the panorama untwists and the finer details start to sparkle in the light. You can either embrace the change or keep sticking with your old and twisted photograph. I know what you will choose.

Simple emotions are the purest ones. Escapist in nature. The sense of running your hand through someone's hair. Looking dreamily at someone's face. Finding a missing part of yourself. Celebrating madness. All simple.

Heightened heart beats. The rhythmic music of beats fuelled by an influx of emotions long forgotten in a painful past. The changes in pace of the beats synchronizes with your slow long breaths and you know, this is the most beautiful moment you will ever come across.

Alive for the first time, the slow opening eyes like after your first kiss with a distant dream. Moments like these sparkle as bright as the stars in the photograph. You know you won't be the same person again, your life is about to take a turn for the good - for the first time. Are you ready to embrace it?

.. did you follow?

©2013 Aman Gupta

Slumber

2013-08-12T00:50:00.000+05:30

You can go only so far, sometimes.
Imagine.

You are at a far off place, there is no way of knowing where you are and where you are headed. There is a distant thought lodged deep in your mind but you can't be sure. There's light at the end of the tunnel but you're afraid of what lies beyond. You have no previous memory of who you are, you just woke up from a very deep slumber. All you can remember is that you were really tired before you shut your eyes.
There is a rush in your veins as you're sure you've never felt before. There is a sense of awakening and the energy is pulsing through your complete body.
You are now sitting, staring at the light. You're curious and the newly found energy urges you to move forward. As you get up and start to take your first steps, you notice your surroundings. You were sleeping, not on a warm bed, but cold floor. Odd but no odder than the walls of the tunnel, which seem to be plastered with odd symbols in different colours - you wish you knew what these meant but for now, the light is your destiny.
Now that you are moving towards the light, your curious mind wants some answers. You start to question the reality, if it is reality at all. For some reason, it seems to have a dream like quality to itself. There is no way to know if this dream will break at any moment, this does not make you feel easy. You have come too far now, you want to know what's at the end of the tunnel and you're scared that the dream will break before you reach the end.
Walking briskly now. A whole tapestry of symbols pass away on the walls are you rush past them. Somehow, the light is still not getting any nearer.
Stop now to catch your breath. You're still full of energy and determined to reach the end, just that, you need to take a break. It's like you're been walking towards it for eternity since you can't reference time.
You start walking again. This time, you pick your brain by looking at the symbols for some recognition. There seems to be a pattern in the symbols, you're very sure of that. Still determined to reach the end, you put the interesting symbols at the back of your mind and continue.
Another break. More symbols and more pattern this time. Suddenly, you make a connection in the symbols. Walking towards the wall, the symbols start making more sense. The obvious pattern and the design, somehow, it's not new to you. You let your gaze turn to the other sections of the wall, and suddenly, there is a sense of comprehensiveness which strikes you.
As you continue to move ahead, going wall to wall, making pattens, you don't notice you've come near to the end of the tunnel.
The last symbol, now being accounted for in the pattern, revels nothing. You learned nothing from the symbols and it seems like decades since you're been going about studying them still, somehow, you're learned something along the way but again, you can't be sure.
You are now standing at the end of the tunnel, afraid and curious at the same time. You step into the bright light, waiting for it to give you the answers you desire.

Then you wake up.

©2013 Aman Gupta

The 3 Demons

2013-07-19T02:13:00.000+05:30

It's a burden nobody should have to bear. It's a problem nobody should ever face. Like the mythology character we so lovingly despise, I can hear voices in my head which I have no control over. They promise of false paradises, of wishes beyond and oddly, everything I ever really wanted.
The muddled thought process, the striking opinions, counter wishing and a lone hunger for more.

It wasn't long before I became requited with these demons inside of me. All they ever preach is death and destruction. The first one preaches about a time not long gone, an exercise in foolishness. The second one tells about what is happening right now, futility and stubbornness. The third whispers about nothing but death and devastation in the foreseeable time.

I'm fighting my best fight to regain control of myself. I'm not sure where this is headed, but it didn't work out well for our mythological character.

©2013 Aman Gupta

Stories

2013-06-29T01:31:00.000+05:30

Regaining Senses

2013-04-09T22:54:00.001+05:30

This isn't about anything particular. To all you who are here to judge me on this, please do that in your head. I really could use some less of people climbing over me. Basically what I'm trying to say is, this is just me venting out. Nothing to see here for anyone else. I'll write for you guys some other time - this is me saying this to my non existent readership.

See, when I started this blog, it was about getting the writer in me to come out. So in the older posts, you can see the rough edges, the theme simplistic and the words rudimentary. It's still pretty much the same sloppy writer inside of me just coating the thoughts with difficult to read words.
For sometime now, this blog has been more of a venting place for me. You guys know this already. You guys have read what I write here. You see, for someone like me, this is really a god sent medium.

Anyways, what's this one about... uh, well.... Nothing straight up. Life has again thrown some shit at me and I'm again trying what I can to not let it bring me down. Kind of a routine thing these days.
Erm.. That't that. See you guys in a bit.

Nothing to see here. Move along.

The Backgroundsmen

2013-03-18T01:24:00.001+05:30

"The problem with being smart is that nothing misses your sight and you're blind to everything else."

Roll Camera, 3rd Person:
We have grown used to the idea that everything somehow gets better towards the end. Everything gets fixed, the Hero gets the credit, the girl and everything there was to get in the plot. Drop curtains. Roll credits. Pretty good story, right?
It's always been about being 'The One', the desire to fit in the shoes of someone essential and absolutely important is embedded deep within the human emotion. You see, this person, is someone who always makes the right moral choices and so, he is 'bound' to succeed. He can do no wrong. This brief sense of elation that we get when seeing this guy on screen getting everything is the same as we ourselves get when we fulfill our dreams.
The problem is, somewhere, the lines of reality and truth gets blurry and gets tangled up with the one we're fed at the theater with over buttered popcorn and soda.
You see, we are the most important person in our lives. We think it's rather fair that our lives be like 'The One's' - Actually, we take it for granted really. We like to pretend that everything that's happening around us will eventually lead to better things for us. This is a well kept lie of our lives.
But such lies have their own way of coming to light.

Camera, Shift to 1st Person:
Things which are complicated enough, are often false. That's what I always say. Anyways, this here is not about the guy riding on his horse into the sunset but rather about the guy who lost everything and took the blunt of being in just the background. I like to pretend that what I do is good. You know, the writing and stuff. It gives me a a right to condescend without facing moral dilemma. Stuff that I do, make me superior than most so obviously, it's all about me and some more of me. Bow before me, worship me and bring me neat stuff.
Alright, where were we again?

Shot, Back to 3rd Person:
We are often faced with a situation where we are at crossroads with our morals. We cannot go ahead with our lie. We have to face the truth. It has accumulated over time and now is much potent. The most protected lie is usually the one which breaks you. Because you would do anything to keep the illusion of false hope and go on with your life. If, say, there comes an impasse, we try to get around it - understanding fully it isn't possible. Making new lies to protect the one.

Roll over to 1st Person:
I'm really in a sort of dilemma. The confusing lines of moral authority that I thought I had gets distant day by day. I'm losing the grip on my thoughts. I run around writing things that make no sense when read by someone other than me. Historically, not good for any writer. Na-ah.
Such admittance is usually characteristic of people with issues, mine comes from the fact that I'm have a lot going on in my mind than in my life.
Everyday, I wake up with a renewed zeal which goes down with the incessant barrage of inflicted and projected emotions. What was an exercise in Logic and Reason before is now a muck of conflicting emotions for me. I guess this outta diminish my life's joy a bit.

Switch to 3rd:
There's always a person in your life you want to beat. I'm not saying you want to go behind the alley and kick his ass, or that you just want to see them miserable and scream manically 'I win, you lose.' No.
It's more like there's a person who has what you want but either he doesn't value it or that he doesn't treat it the way it should be treated (by your reckoning).
But as the comic nature of our tangled plot hinges on this other person getting the thing, there's hardly anything you can do to make it otherwise. You see, it's the classical paradox. You are given a choice which has no effect on either the present or the future. You can take it as your moral values are put in question while others around you suggest not to - either making no impact on the truth. It's a kind of kid's game where at the end, everyone wins and so, everyone loses.
That's always fun, right?

Pan over to 1st Person:
The point where I cannot live with your self and decide to take things in your hand is the day I went turbo. I told myself that maybe the future has more in store for me, because that's how it works. I have been brainwashed to believe that I'm important in my life.
From that moment on, I tried the move the immovable rock of destiny. And watched my morals get squashed ruthlessly. I think, things like these leave scars. The eventual buildup to the tipping point suggested a grim outcome and it wasn't wrong. I'm afraid things will turn for the worse from here.
I can't force someone to make a choice they are actively trying to avoid so I guess I'll have to make it easier for them by withdrawing my candidature.
Pretending to be happy while you're tortured from inside - It's a good skill to have when most of the time you are putting on a brave face for the world to see.
I do believe that some gestures are more comforting than most but these lose their value when the person getting them holds the optimistic secondary position in the priority.
The convoluted nightmares of falling from heights have a new meaning to me now.

Won't say anything anymore. Told you so.

©2013 Aman Gupta

Subtle

2013-02-16T19:36:00.001+05:30

Written it for someone. Kind of thought provoking.

Things turn up and take their places. The rights are often clouded in confusions and numerous subtexts, in such times it's good to have a guide which separates the moral dilemma of right from wrong. You can always put trust in it's judgement, nomatter the cost. Because, ultimately, things do turn up. You're the guide. Thank you, for being here.

Answer

2013-01-27T01:24:00.001+05:30

Some of the really good questions thrown at me involve a very peculiar question of which I have always had an answer ready at the tongue but never feeling the time ripe enough to divulge the mystery.
Well, I do believe the interaction is a two way process in which an answer is given for a question asked by the participants. So, I figured, chuck it, I can safely say the answer without telling the what's it for. The question is now really the new mystery.

Well, the truth is, I'm afraid. Like seriously. I mean, who wouldn't be when that's all you've seen till this point. I don't say that's it the most that life can throw my way but it's enough for me - so just keep the larger perspective out for a bit. I've seen things and this is still a very simple and yet life changing thought.

So, you can't blame me for being afraid, it's just like that - things tend to repeat as if stuck on a very similar depressing loop. You can't get out of it because you don't want to - it makes you weak and still want you to be a part of it.
To recap, I've been 'targeted' for a very apparent reason and while I'm far grown out of that fear - a shadow remains. You see, it's not easy to leave a skin of you behind - it's something which eventually gets embedded into your conscious. You're never 'not aware' of it. It's classic paranoia.
Well, this had led to a very unpleasant experience before and I never really shook it off, no matter how much I told myself that I had.
Let's come back to a more familiar setting, I'm back in the loop - after telling myself that things are different this time round. Except this time, it's not my confirmations which need support. See, I was 'not around' for a long time and things... well, they kind of went in a direction I never imagined. This didn't bother much at first and I was letting it slip unnoticed. See, here the loop winds itself around me.
Anyways, it's more about why exactly this time round I need more support than ever. See, things were already a bit messed up - lines were blurry and being a man with foggy lens didn't pan out for me. I never realized that deep within other people, there still lies a very fundamental want for things to work out their way. And their way was... let's just say sketchy.

Now I would like to divert the reader's attention to a social observation: There are two chimps in a cage. A large one and a skinny one. A banana was given to the larger chimp. The banana being stale or not of liking was immediately rejected and thrown out the cage. The other chimp put out his hand for the banana to be given to him instead. As soon as the banana was given to the other chimp, the first one snapped at him and took the banana for himself.

The reason I mentioned this old and rudimentary observation is that humans are pretty much the same. That I knew and ready to believe in. But what if the banana had a will of it's own? Would it prefer to be taken by the larger chimp?
These thought experiments are not science and really more of random pondering. But, I'm going to stick with a yes. This is actually an inference of another observation which I'll keep for some other time.

Emotions tend to get conflicted then and there's an ever going battle between what's obviously right and what's obviously your right. The potent force of truth seem rather lost. I'm stuck in the loop, again. I can't get out of it, because I simply don't want to.

I won't quit because I'm just a hopeless optimist. The problem is, other people are too.

©2013 Aman Gupta

Familiar Loss

2013-01-16T23:25:00.001+05:30

A note before reading: Don't let me bring you down. This is a serious bit of a downer. I'm kind of in a particularly bad mood for weeks now. You can probably guess.

It's almost fall again. Winter is just around the corner.

Sometimes, it's just something you feel in your head, you know. Like that familiar feeling of nostalgia or that even more familiar feeling of loss that can't be put into words, depends on who you are.
Not that I'm any more cold than I was before, I do sense an unfamiliar new chill taking my spine. As if my every sense was preparing for this, the times are going to get tough, they hinted.
I can't really blame them. It's been like that for sometime now - maybe, you know, this is just not my thing. It was supposed to get over before it even started so why the loss of words?
Today, I get to say I told you so to myself and yet, I don't want to.
It's been like that, for as back as I can remember. They say it's your choice to make what you may of yourself - I don't say any different. It's just that I don't know if I can take any more of myself.
I've always told myself, at least I'm with you. Sounds a bit sad but after all, it's really the truth. What do we have really but ourselves when the outside world turns ugly?

I guess it's just that little hope that makes us human, which poisons my mind. I almost let it lead me into another hole it had dug up, fresh for me. I'm not saying that it's bad for you - you're probably very happy right now reading the sad delights of another man and judging from behind a screen because unlike me, you actually have learned the trick, haven't you? To not let it poison your mind?

I'm just a human, I make mistakes. I try to minimize the collateral but it still stings - a lot. I take flight in the promised and delight infused hope. Hope that I'm actually more than what I've probably thought about myself till now. We all do that, so spare the judging this time.
It stings a lot when you see the hope leave you after a day in the sun, you almost nearly blame yourself.

I guess it must be easier for you to just let it go and move on, never turning back. That what makes it so hard for me, I can never go on leaving promises behind. Things tend to get messed up themselves after that.

©2013 Aman Gupta