Fruits of Libido

A Skill to Love Without Restraint

2012-02-19T01:34:00.001-05:00

I read several posts lately that made me reflect on relationship skills. I'm just so surprised to see so many people struggle with rather basic aspects of being in a relationship.

It so happens that I was talking about it with someone yesterday, and one of my statements started with, "I think that one of the most important skills to be in a relationship is…" And I thought I should talk about it here.

You see the problem many people have is that they get into a relationship and they try to protect themselves. They want to love someone and they want to be loved, but if it craps out they want to minimize the pain they will feel. And I'm sorry to break it to you, but this is one of life's deals where you just can't have both. Either you love head over heals and completely, or you don't get hurt. But you can't protect yourself from falling too hard and expect that you will be able to have this great connection that you dream about. It's as impossible as hoping to stay dry when going for a dive.

Loving someone is hard, in part, because it requires us to reveal ourselves completely to one person and hope that they will accept us and love us back no matter what they see. In some ways it's like fire, because you have to get as close to the fire as you can without getting burned. In other ways it's like bungee jumping because you have to trust that whatever happens, you will be fine. You need to let go, but you need to hold on to yourself.

This act of letting yourself fall while not getting burned is that most difficult of things to get right. If I don't know anything else, I know this. One of the most important skills to have in a relationship is to be able to love unconditionally and very closely while at the same time being able to remember that you are your own person with your own needs and your own values.

It's a balancing act. It's important because you have to be able to love and be compassionate, but you have to remember that if the other person falters in some way, you don't have to falter yourself. It's difficult to do because the closer you are with someone, the easier it is to be affected by what they go through, whether it's stress, sadness or anything else. Therefore if you're going to love so amazingly strongly, you have to know where that line is between you and that other person, so you can have empathy for their pain, without owning it.

Think of the times where you're going through a rough patch. What good is your boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse if they freak out whenever you need support? When you're down, it's already hard enough without having to suffer the effect you have on someone else who is reacting to you because they are very close to you but they don't know how to manage that line between the two of you. What you need is support and compassion. You need that person to cross that line, step into that fire of yours, and help you pull out of it.

Think about it the other way. Imagine the gift you are to someone and how easy you are to love if you are resilient in this way to their trouble.

It's harder to do when your lover has a problem with you but it's even more effective then. I know it's unintuitive and hard to grasp, and many times people feel like they have to fight back not to let the other person walk all over them. But if you know really well where that line is between the two of you, meaning you know how to make the difference between what is a threat to you and what is someone else's trouble, then it becomes harder not to love you. What you want to do is consider their trouble and respect that they might have an issue with you, without downplaying it or throwing something back in their face, while at the same time being able to say where you're willing to make concessions and where you aren't. Some things about you are absolutes and some things are flexible. By making that clear instead of freaking out every time there is a hint that you might not be loved back, you make it easy for them to fall back in love with you. You actually become a center of gravity.

It's not rare for people to comment to Cate and I how close-knit we seem with each other and with our children. This is something I find pride in, because it reaffirms every time my belief that what I talk about here is founded on practical experience and a reality that works.

My daughter mentioned recently how the parents of many of her friends don't seem as close as we are. My explanation to her was that being really close to someone has both positives and negatives. Being closer means we have a stronger bond and we can better support each other, but on the other hand it also means that when one of us is going through a hard time, we all feel it more acutely. This is something that not everyone is able to do, and I think one way many couples have unfortunately found to deal with it is to remain at a certain emotional distance from one another.

It's kind of like standing 100 feet away from someone and being separated by a line in the sand. When you're that far away, it's easy to see the line separates you and whether it's a few feet closer to you or the other person doesn't make much of a difference. However if you stand literally inches away from each other on either side of that line, where that line is and how it moves becomes much more significant. The good thing is it also makes your relationship more significant and more connected.

It's not that hard to do. It does require knowledge of who you are and what you want. It also requires the knowledge that this dynamic exists, as well as remaining aware of the movements of that line as life keeps pulling and tugging at your relationship from all directions. It takes practice for sure, but it's doable, and I think it's a skill we need to learn and communicate to others, starting with our children so they can grow to become adults who can love fully and completely.

The Way That I Touch

2012-02-16T02:24:00.001-05:00

I've often wondered how my touch feels and how it compares to the touch of other people.

I so love touching. Literally the first sexual thought that I have when seeing or fantasizing about an attractive woman is that of touching her and imagining what she feels like. And when I think of touching, I think of the contact of my hands on her warm skin. There is something about that touch that I am fascinated about. I never tire of caressing that skin, of moving my hand over as much area of her that she is offering at the moment.

We often use words like glide or rub to describe touching someone, but the truth is no word exists that captures the deeply human experience of receiving the sensation of someone else's uncovered body through the highly sensitive receptors of our hands and fingers. It's so personal. And it feels so good.

No wonder a massage can be either relaxing or invigorating.

I am convinced that our constant attraction to new people is driven by the desire to touch new skin, because everyone feels different to the touch. Feeling someone new is alluring to the point where we are willing to take risks sometimes to have that privilege. It's like the simple act of walking past a woman in a crowded passage and using the opportunity to put your hand on her shoulder or on the small of her back while excusing yourself. And it can trigger sexual desires, to the point of wanting to experience the touch of that person that we're infatuated with.

There is something strange in the fact that visual attractiveness makes us want to touch a person, as though beauty was a guarantee of a more compelling touch experience. Is a sexier woman more amazing to touch than a less attractive one? I've often wondered why we link beauty with sexual pleasure. It seems preposterous to think that having sex with an ordinary looking person could be intrinsically less satisfying. Looking at it another way, would that mean that the sexual experience of a blind person is the worse of all? Of course not, but it does mean that in some way we touch with our minds as well as with our hands.

We probably all touch others in our very own way. From reserved to rough, there is an entire range of motion, speed and pressure that we can use to touch someone. There are so many ways, I think each of us probably has his or her own signature in how we touch others, just like we have our own ways of writing or driving.

My way to touch is to be firm without being rough. I know what I like, and I like what I feel, so I touch unabashedly, directly, appreciatively. I caress fully, with a medium amount of pressure, and I leave the grazes and the tips and the nails to the more arousing areas.

I like to cover as much of her skin as I can with my entire hand. I like when every part of my hand, from the tips of my fingers to the deepest part of my palm, is in contact with the woman I am caressing. It's a constant desire that I have to maximize the points of contact, as though it heightens my pleasure of the experience, but also as though it makes it more satisfying for me. Sometimes I wonder if I should tread more lightly, and sometimes I do, but most of the time I cannot resist the temptation of touching her as completely as I can.

Beyond the coverage, there is the movement. I love to keep my hands moving. Skin on skin feels good, but moving skin on skin feels better, for some reason that I cannot explain in words, but which my brain fully empathizes with. I enjoy the sensation of her exposed skin coming into contact with my own skin and passing it by for more, as yet untouched, skin. I just find that I feel her more if I move my hand than if I leave it immobile. A hand in the same place for a few seconds becomes habituated to the feel of this particular spot, so I like to keep the feel new and exciting.

I also really enjoy feeling the softness of the skin, which I do by kneading lightly with my fingers. My preference is for skin that doesn't resist, whose surface is malleable, but every part of a woman's body has varying qualities that are a pleasure to discover. Her breasts and her butt are an eternal favorite of most men, and I'm no different, but I cannot think of any one part of a woman that I am not interested in touching. Feet, ears, tummy, thighs—oh those inner ones—everything she is willing to let me graze is a feast for the hands of this lover.

Often I like to imagine a woman touching my wife, running her hands all over my wife's body, touching her in all those intimate places. And I wonder how that touch, in all its differences from my own, would feel to my wife. I like to think that its newness would make her moan and arch her back in ways she hasn't felt with me.

Parody of Adult Online Retailer Inquiry

2012-02-05T02:13:00.001-05:00

I wrote some time ago about an adult online retailer that contacted me to see if I would be interested in writing product reviews on my blog to essentially push visitors to their web site. Even though I responded to them and made it clear I wasn't interested—nicely—as well as my reasons for not wanting to partake, I received today another email request from the same retailer. Apparently they don't bother reading my emails, nor my blog, so at this point I figure, let's have some fun with it!

This is the reply that I sent back. It is a parody of the format and wording of the email I received today. If you have received the same mass email, you'll recognize it right away. The original was so funny that some of the humor in my parody should actually be credited to the original author. Of course I switched everything around to be of benefit to me instead!

The particular retailer in question shall remain nameless, although the discerning readers among you will be able to guess who it is. However keeping them nameless also serves the purpose because their last email to me was a standard form that never mentioned the name or URL of my blog, and so therefore I decided to respond in same fashion.

Please feel free to copy this post and use all or parts of it in your own replies to the one-sided inquiries you receive from online retailers.

Cheers!

Hi,

My name is Fruit Taster and I am the author of Fruits of Libido, a blog about love, sex and relationships. The reason I am contacting you is to see whether you would be interested in promoting my blog! Fruits of Libido is very unique because I don't expect any specific treatment from you! All I ask is that you talk about Fruits of Libido on your site, in any way that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. :) In exchange for you pimping my blog, I am in the unique position to offer you an original gift piece written by me just for you (the piece is delivered via email and will never be posted on Fruits of Libido, making it yours to keep and cherish forever, among all the current employees of your business). There is no telling how many words the gift piece will have, which makes it even more exciting!

Of course, I should clarify that no mention of any particular blog post from Fruits of Libido is required on your part. Instead I simply ask that you mention Fruits of Libido on your site, and may I gently suggest how wonderful it would be for you to point out the variety of the content on Fruits of Libido, ranging from intimate revelations regarding my love life to short stories of lust and sexual exploration. Aside the naughty posts, there is the quality of my writing, the thoughtful analyses as well as the humorous pieces—so there is so much to talk about while still keeping your references PG, or even G! As a recipient of repeated requests from retailers, I understand all too well how disconcerting it is to be asked to sacrifice the trust of my readers for the brand of an advertiser. That's why I try to be so flexible! :)

In fact, my requirements for a reference from you are so flexible, it will be very easy for you to comply to my exact demands, especially since I would never ask for specific treatment:

199–201 words
2–3 links to FruitsOfLibido.com (1 homepage link using any of the following anchor texts: love for adults, open relationships, threesome, erotic stories, male perspective, Fruit Taster, Fruits of Libido, FruitsOfLibido.com; 1–2 more links to tags or blog posts)
All links must be standard <a> tags without nofollow and without Javascript manipulation
Please do not include links to other blogs or bloggers
Optional: mention "best blog ever" linked to http://www.fruitsoflibido.com for an additional 10 words in my gift piece to you
Optional: include the Naughty Story Tuesday banner for another amazing 10 words

I receive plenty of inquiries from retailers and advertisers who have never read a word of what I talk about on Fruits of Libido, so I'm totally cool with references that don't mention the fact that Fruits of Libido contains mature content, as a way to not frighten possible visitors! If adult matters, and explicit sex in particular, are things that you feel comfortable with and you think you could be bothered to read my words, that's fine too. :)

If this is something you would be interested in participating in, email me back (please include your site URL, since I have no idea who you are and haven't taken the time to see what brand or business you are affiliated with before I decided to send you this standard form email) and let me know! :) I will make absolutely certain to tell you just how many words will contain the original gift piece that you may receive by email in exchange for a reference. :) I will even keep inserting smilies at the end of those sentences to make it sound like this is totally a two-sided deal when in fact I stand to benefit much more than you ever could from this arrangement. :)

Of course, if you're not interested and would prefer that I do not contact you again, even though you have made clear before that you were not interested in doing business with me, please let me know and I will add you to an Email List right away! :)

Thanks!

NST: Naughtiness From the Inbox

2012-01-24T00:57:00.001-05:00

NST
abbreviation
Naughty Story Tuesday.

From:	Cate
Subject:	Last night...
Date:	January 22, 2011 9:43:29 AM
To:	Fruit Taster

Good morning Sexy Husband O'Mine!

I just woke up. I need to get ready soon because I'm meeting Julie for lunch… BUT, before I do that I wanted to tell you just how amazingly HOT it was to hear you over the phone last night! Wow. I was SO turned on listening to you and Sonia going at it!

But I'm getting ahead of myself…

Initially I wasn't sure how that would work out, and yes I confess to being a little nervous for the first time doing this over the phone! But then talking with Sonia and listening to her quiet, sexy voice had this calming effect on me. And the more I was listening to her describe the two of you naked in bed together, the more I could really see the scene in my mind.

At some point I closed my eyes. And I was there…

I could see you lying down naked against Sonia. I could see her breasts pressing against your side. I could see her hand playing with your hairy chest. When she was describing your cock getting harder from her caresses, my own free hand inexplicably ;) found its way into my panties.

I was telling Sonia what to do, where to kiss you, how to stroke your cock… Between my legs, my fingers were getting incredibly soaked. Telling her how you like to be fucked was tapping into this area in my brain that seemed like a direct link to my clit. It was like I was in control, telling her what to do to you, but at the same time I felt so much yearning for your absent body and for your hard cock deep inside me!

It was impossible not to rub my clit and dip my fingers inside my wet cunt at the same rhythm that I could hear the two of you breathe on the other end of the line as she was riding you! I so wanted her to do you and give you that pleasure. I kept telling her to fuck you nice and slow, to ease herself slowly down onto your hard cock and to push herself back up at the same speed. I told her to lean down so her tits were rubbing on your face. I know how much you love cupping those breasts and suck on those nipples while you're getting fucked and the woman who's fucking you is getting off on the hard toy you so expertly provide… ;)

I didn't know when orgasms were starting and ending for me. I just know that listening to Sonia moan into the phone, with your appreciative grunts in the background, and the sound of your suckles on her erect nipples, and maybe I was imagining it but I was sure I could hear the wetness of your cock entering her hot pussy…

All of it was making me incredibly horny and wet. My clit was on fire from rubbing it so hard! And when I heard you screaming as you started coming, I soaked the bed imagining your swollen cock ejaculating deep inside Sonia…

Mmmmm, wow. :)

Let's do it again tomorrow night, all three of us when I get home, 'k?

I love you!

Cate

Sexful

2012-01-19T01:41:00.001-05:00

Something clicked when I read Bella reflecting on the different sides of herself:

I'm sure it's the same for many of you, this contradiction in personas. Its just....weird, a bit unsettling, and sometimes I can't quite wrap my head around it.

I know what she means. I have talked before about how I wish I could merge the two sides of my life, and make sex a more integral part of my day-to-day. For many of us it does seem like two opposite poles of who we are. But the thing is, in this current moment of clarity, I don't think it's a contradiction.

We are so conditioned by our upbringing and by society to keep our sex lives private and separate from the rest, how can we not see our sexual self as a separate entity? I think you have to be pretty resilient, or rebel, or especially clear-minded, to be able to ignore the pressures around us to put our sexual self as far away from our regular self as possible.

That's kind of sad.

The real contradiction is why all the mixed messages we see every day left and right? Sex is everywhere, in advertisement, in movies, in music. We are constantly bombarded with the idea that being sexy is important and that other people have sex all the time. But it's only fine as long as it's other people. Never talk about yourself too openly!

But when you think about it, to be a sex blogger, or on a more fundamental level, to just be someone who can live sexuality honestly, while at the same time being other things like a good parent and a hard worker… It's a gift!

After all, there are plenty of things other than sex that we do but don't talk about with other people. For example, I don't talk about Cate's health with my family because they just don't understand. Some people don't talk about politics because it's too personal and they get into arguments. Most of us don't talk about our personal hygiene with others. And we only talk about how we feel about our spouse with close friends.

Right now I'm thinking that the greatest quality you can have regarding sex is just to be able to live it fully. Not to reveal the details of your sex life with every joe and jane that crosses your path! No, just to live it, and experience it, and be open-minded about it in whatever setting makes you comfortable.

I decided something.

There is a word for lacking in sexual qualities: sexless. To be sexless is what most of us hope we will never be. The reality is that many of us do have a sex life but we're unsure where it fits. I say that to have it figured out, or at least to have made some leeway toward successfully integrating sex as another facet of who we are, is to be sexful.

That makes so much sense I don't know why it's not in the dictionary.

Is your life sexful? Mine is.

NST: A New York Encounter

2012-01-17T03:29:00.001-05:00

NST
abbreviation
Naughty Story Tuesday.

I was going to be in New York for a few days because of work. It was a good occasion to invite a blogger friend to meet me there for a sexy time with Cate's blessing. Unfortunately I never did extend that invitation for personal reasons, but she may recognize herself in the following fantasy of what could have happened.

That was our first meeting face to face after a year of getting to know each other online, so I was excited. I was looking forward to spend time with her, to see her face as we talked, and later to feel the curves of her warm skin. She had been very good at teasing me. Now it was time to see what was going to happen.

Sipping a Bailey's as I watched the women coming into the lobby of the hotel, I played a mental game of deciding which ones were the most attractive. But that didn't last long because halfway through my drink she walked in, her auburn hair and her green eyes grabbing my attention.

She saw me almost immediately and I greeted her with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, gentleman style. I also made sure to pull her close to me, both to feel her lovely breasts against my chest, and because the idea that an onlooker would think she was my wife turned me on. She smelled good, and I said so in her ear.

I could feel the trepidation in the air as we settled down for a drink. We were eyeing each other, knowing full well that the dirty pictures and the sexy words we had exchanged over the passing months were right there in the back of our minds. She started laughing and I smiled at her exposed nervousness. She was as sexy as I had hoped, and I wanted her to feel my knowing gaze on her. However she clearly wanted the upper hand on this and kept seducing me, knowing full well as she leaned toward me that her cleavage was drawing my attention.

We tried to talk but I could only be aware of her pretty lips sipping the drink and her tongue licking them clean afterward. The smell of her feminine presence was ever present. Rubbing my fingers against her hand clutching her drink, I wanted to get closer. I wanted to feel her. I wanted her.

I don't think we sat very long in the lobby, although most of it seems like a blur now. All I remember is that I could hear in the back of my mind the voice of my wife telling me to have a good time. And when my sexy friend and I got up to take the elevator, it was her hand that I was holding even though it was everything else about her that I wanted to caress and discover.

The door of the elevator closed and we found ourselves alone together for the first time. She knew it and I knew it… In a matter of seconds I was kissing her and she was pressing herself against me. I could feel the desire that had built up for months between us, and all I wanted was to taste her. Her lips were still sweet from the Bailey's, and her body felt new and inviting. I'm sure there were exploratory touches during this short ride in the elevator, but all I can remember vividly is the rising desire, in my chest and in my pants.

We laughed as we stepped onto our floor, and I knew the ice had been broken for good between her and me. We were passing other hotel guests and I was wondering if they had any inkling that I was about to have sex with a woman other than my wife, and that my wife was back at home, well aware of my little adventure. I imagined my wife masturbating right about then from the fantasy of what we had planned on me doing with our sexy friend.

That thought was turning me on to no end as I fiddled to unlock the room door. My friend's hands exploring my chest and coming dangerously close to the growing bulge between my legs was only contributing to my state of ultimate arousal.

As soon as we were inside we started kissing again, her back against the wall, my hands half feeling up her breasts, half unbuttoning her blouse. Her tongue tasted so good, I wanted it wrapped around my cock. But then there was so much else I wanted.

She unclipped her bra and I moved my lips from her mouth down to her neck while I played with her nipples between my fingers. She was so warm but her nipples were hardening as if they were in a snow storm. I couldn't resist taking them in my mouth any longer. I suckled on each tit for a few seconds, listening to her moans and starting to wonder how to slide her skirt off.

But she wasn't going to let me go there just yet. She had already pushed me against the opposite wall of the hallway and dropped to her knees, unzipping my pants while I undid my belt buckle. Down went my pants and then I was overpowered by the sensation of her hungry mouth taking in half the length of my hard cock. She sucked it without preludes and it felt so damn good. I was playing with her hair as she continued to suck expertly, visibly loving every second of the act she was perpetrating on the husband of another woman.

For several minutes I let her go down on me, and I was torn between wanting to let her continue with her oral magic or taking my turn enjoying her body. Eventually the latter won inside me, and when I turned her around I didn't even take the time to remove her skirt off. I led her to the edge of the bed where she got down on her hands, with one knee down and one leg standing. I had already lifted her skirt, exposing her lovely ass. She was wearing pink embroidered panties, and it was an amazing delight when I slid two fingers between her legs, feeling the moistness of her pussy through the fabric. She was wonderfully warm and wet, and in a breadth she told me to pull them off.

Two seconds later the head of my cock was sliding against her sweet, wet slit. I wanted to eat her out, to suck on her deliciously erect clit until she became engorged with waves of rolling orgasms. But even more than that I wanted to be inside her, and it was probably because of her obvious desire to be taken right then and there that I wanted to push my swollen cock inside her, parting the pink lips of her pussy and finding a cozy place as deep as I could, hips pushing against her.

An immediate rhythm started to take place, initiated by the oomph that she voiced when she felt my cock entering her hot, wet pussy. She was vocal, and it was all I needed to know I wanted to fuck her and come inside her like this. The preliminaries were going to come later. For now, we were both drunk on the desire to fuck like new lovers, fuck for the first time, doing it raw and carnal.

It's her hanging breasts that I was cupping as I repeatedly entered her, fucked her under her encouragements. It's her clit that she was rubbing furiously as I moaned at the increasing rhythm of my long, hard thrusts.

There was nothing we could do but to let go to the abandon of the moment. And there, in what it seemed only minutes after I had first kissed her on the cheek, we both let ourselves come and explode as though we had been fucking for an hour. She started to throb and squeal first, and it was all I wanted to do to scream and erupt repeatedly inside her.

And indeed later the preliminaries occurred, as well as many other times over the following few nights...

Getting Off on Communication

2012-01-15T02:23:00.000-05:00

A few years ago in his column, Dan Savage responded to two letters related to communication. In both cases, they were from someone in a couple that was about to get married. I kept the link to the column all that time as a reminder of what not to do in a relationship.

The first letter was from a man who preferred to masturbate than to have sex with his fiancée. The second was from a bisexual woman who enjoyed having sex with other women but whose fiancé insisted she stop.

Now you might have a gut reaction toward these situations as described. However the problem wasn't that they were unreasonable. After all, there are women out there who prefer their husband to masturbate instead of requiring sex for two. It's also pretty common for a husband to prefer that his wife not have sexual relations with other people.

No, instead, the problem was that these couples weren't talking about it. Even worse, these people were wondering whether they should bring up their issue before or after the wedding!

For the life of me, I don't know why someone would not want to clarify important issues, especially those related to sex, before getting married. Sex is such an important aspect of a person's life, and at some point it has the potential of causing major problems in your relationship if it's not made clear.

More generally, I hear so often about people having difficulties communicating, even on the most basic levels or about the most important of issues, it has become one of my pet peeves.

It's easy to say "duh" and go on thinking we know better than people like those who wrote to Dan Savage. But the truth is, you don't have to look as far as his column to find examples of difficulty communicating. We do it all the time! And it's not just about sex. We withhold information from people who are close to us because we're not sure what to say. We think something but we don't say it not to rock the boat. Too often, I see people not being straight and honest and I just don't understand why.

Cate and I are not perfect, but she thanked me yesterday for what we have. That meant a lot to me. The communication in our relationship is something that got modelled very early on after we started dating. On my end, I just wasn't willing to accept less than a certain level of communication because I had been burned before. And Cate was craving something like that even though she couldn't articulate it that way at the time.

Let's see if I can put into words some of the things we do in trying to get communication right.

Revealing Everything

One aspect of how Cate and I do it is that we firmly believe that we should know everything there is to know about the other. It's hard to be perfect at this, but it's an ideal that we try to attain. That can sound obvious, but for a lot of people it isn't. Who hasn't read or heard someone wonder whether they should be honest about how many sexual partner's they've had? Of course you should! Everything should be known.

A friend of ours keeps a lot of personal preferences from her partner because it upsets him or because he doesn't share her love of whatever it is she enjoys. While he's around, she essentially has to be him, because he's not willing to make an effort to understand her and consider her as her own person. This is insane. You certainly don't have to like everything about your spouse, but you do need to know your spouse well and have the utmost consideration for them.

The bottom line is, if you can't trust your own spouse or partner respecting your opinions and revelations, big and small, who can you trust? You have to decide that if you're going to give a real shot at happiness, you're going to let this person know everything there is to know about you.

There is a wonderful quote in one of my favorite movies, Meet Joe Black, that illustrates this:

"How do you know [she loves you]?"
"Because she knows the worse things about me… And it's OK."

Fighting Fair

Another thing that Cate and I do is that we accept the fact that sometimes there are going to be disagreements and arguments, and we refuse to fall into personal attacks and name calling. It totally makes sense to have different views on something or to even feel hurt because of something your spouse said or did. But it's not acceptable to bring up unrelated issues or revert to insults to try to get back at them. This is the person you love and the person you chose. Don't treat them as though they are disposable, or they will become that.

It always floors me to hear a woman saying that her husband is an asshole or a man saying that his wife is a bitch. To say something like that about the person you chose to be with, it doesn't say something about them, it says something about you. What good are you if you chose to be with an asshole or a bitch?

In the end, every single time you hurt someone for the sake of hurting them, what you're really doing is you're hurting the relationship you have with them. Slowly but surely you're building the chasm that will eventually be your breakup or your perpetual distance. Nothing good can come out of hurting each other.

If you've established right off the bat that you're going to not let things degenerate, then you can rely on the fact that what your spouse is saying is based on something true that they feel. Then a better way to deal with differences and arguments is to consider that your spouse is not saying whatever they're saying because they are idiots or because they like to make you upset. If they say it, it's because they truly have an interest in this, and it's important enough to them that they are willing to go through the aggravation of the argument with you to make their point.

Not Giving Up on Each Other

Another thing Cate and I do is we don't let things go off track for too long between us. Me in particular I need a good talk once in a while to see where we are and how we're doing. It grounds me. I know I need that to be good, so I let her know I wanted it that way.

I also know when she's sitting on something, and she knows when something is bothering me. We don't let each other get off the hook easily when we know something is going on. Sometimes you have to be proactive about communication. It's good to recognize that there are two ways for a conversation to happen: you can start talking or you can start listening. Starting to talk is the more usual, more obvious way, but I find that it's also good and proactive to just put yourself in a visually receptive mood so that your spouse can see that if they have something on their mind, you are ready and willing to hear it.

It's especially true in this day and age where we are so busy with everything. When you do have a chance, it's good to turn off the TV, get off the Internet, sit down next to your spouse to hang out and say, "How are you?"

There are times when you need time and space to wrap your head around how you feel, and that's OK. In such cases, instead of blowing off your partner, it's totally fine to say you're trying to figure something out and you'll bring it up when you know what to say. One thing I appreciate is when Cate is able to tell me what the topic is, even though she's not ready to have the full blown discussion. It's good when we both know what is being stewed, so that we can both prepare. It's harder to have a good, productive discussion when one has been thinking about it for days and it's all news to the other person.

Cate and I also don't let arguments go unresolved for long periods of time. I find it particularly irritating to see that arguments are often portrayed in movies and TV shows as something where people blow up at each other and then walk away without a resolution. I think this is a false and destructive way to approach conflicts. You can't always resolve problems in one discussion, and sometimes you do need to let off some steam. But if you're minimally proficient at having a relationship, those hard bouts should be the exception instead of the rule.

I could talk about communication all day, but this is where I should let you off the hook... For now!

Lost on the Cusp

2012-01-10T00:56:00.000-05:00

Today was not a good day. I can usually keep myself together even though there is a lot on my plate, but today I was emotional and fragile. Whereas I can usually keep myself together, today it was all I could do to prevent myself from unraveling completely.

This morning I was sitting with Cate in the doctor's office. Listening to the discussion about her health was stirring deep emotions inside me. At one point my eyes teared up and I thought I was going to lose it right there. I had to look down, close my eyes for a few seconds, and take a deep breath.

The emotions got the best of me later, in the car while driving, of all places. I know these are warning signs. I know I need to pull back a bit.

I'm feeling so tired lately. Tired emotionally, tired of constantly rowing forward, tired from trying to be everything everyone around me needs. And all of that while trying to take care of my own needs and maintain a good balance between the two.

I've been feeling lost since the Christmas break. There is so much going on, so many things to consider. Where are we going? What is the plan? It looks like a lot of things are going to come together this year, one way or another. Difficult, life-altering decisions will need to be made. I'm rowing as hard as I can with my head down. When I look up, it all compounds into me feeling like I'm lost, like I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish. I have an idea in my mind of what I want the end result to be, but the heck if I know how to make it happen. There are too many constraints, too many variables, too many needs to consider.

I'm losing count of the number of people in my life who are battling important health issues. And thinking about it made me realize how taxing it is to constantly be in this state of worry and support. At my lowest today, I wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by happy, healthy, self-supporting people. I know that sounds bad towards the people in my life, and I don't mean it that way. It's just that, sometimes I wish I could be allowed to falter, to fall apart. For it to be my turn to be taken care of. Or for things to happen all by themselves without me having to push them forward all the time.

One thing about me is that I can deal with a lot of emotional things without appearing too affected. That's both a strength and a curse because up until the point where I break down, I look like I'm doing fine. I can rationalize like the best of them. I can cry if I have to let the pain come out. But that doesn't mean that I don't struggle inside. Being strong doesn't mean you don't feel any pain. Cate knows this about me.

It's not just health worries that has been chipping away at my resilience. Not the least of which is that I'm very unhappy with my day job. Because I'm the sole breadwinner right now, and because the conditions and benefits of this job are really advantageous for us, somehow I keep going in and out of convincing myself that I should keep this job. However I know deep inside that I'm already way past the point where I've lost all interest in the work that I do there. I'm not someone who tolerates this kind of situation well. I need to be passionate about what I do.

There is other stuff that we'll need to decide on this year too. We have some crazy but thrilling ideas on the table, but going through with them will mean drastic and vast changes. I know it's vague and I can't get into too much details, sorry. I guess what is important is that it's part of why I'm feeling so emotional and so confused about the right thing to do for everyone that I care about.

That's the general feeling that I have as we start the new year. I hope things will become clearer and better for me and for us.

Adult Retreat

2012-01-09T01:30:00.000-05:00

I don't know why that happens but I was busying myself with house chores some time ago and, out of the blue, the key party scene from the movie The Ice Storm came back to mind. And my first thought was, "Hey, that sounds like fun!"

It's interesting because I've thought about this movie many times over the years, for intellectual reasons like how good it is and what it means. But this time it wasn't about that. This time my immediate thought was strictly about the pure and simple excitement of being at a party where women are picking keys at random to find a man to go home with.

When I was young, the concept of a key party sounded weird. People actually do that? But now, the idea of it just sounds like fun. In real life, I don't know that I would be OK with actually letting Cate go with a random man, but in my thoughts, the idea of it is exciting. And in my imagination, the party would be held with a triaged group of friendly couples we know and trust.

That's something else I've been fantasizing about lately. I like to think of it as an adult retreat.

I see a villa on the beach. For some reason, the one I have in mind comes from another movie, To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday. That is really a bad choice of reference because the storyline is sad and entirely different from what I have in mind for an adult retreat, but I guess it just goes to show that I don't have complete control over my imagination.

In my fantasy, once a year we get together at the villa for a long weekend with a few other couples we know. It's all very friendly and sexy. In most cases we've met over the Internet, through our sex blogs. It's an occasion to get to know each other in person, or to perpetuate the friendships that were already started. There is plenty of time for great conversation, barbecuing by the beach, sitting up late drinking wine and dark beer on the porch. It's all about being sex-minded adults, enjoying being together.

It's about creating opportunities to flirt, be sensual, have sexual experiences for those who want it. We create ties and meaningful relationships between us. It's a few days for fully being the people we describe on our blogs, away from our usual dual lives.

I've been craving something like that lately. It might be because I can't talk about these things with our real-life friends. I'm craving openness and indulging in the things I write about all the time.

It sounds so nice to actually live that way, if only for a few days.

Touching Intimately Without Needing to Have Sex

2012-01-06T02:59:00.000-05:00

There is this activity, otherwise known as cuddling, that Cate and I often engage in. It requires us to hold each other's bodies really close together, to the point where we are touching. Generally, the greater the surface of our bodies that touch, the better it feels. Sometimes the only way I could hold her more completely would be for our bodies to merge, which is impossible. Not that this fact has stopped me from wanting it.

What got me thinking about this is that Bella wrote this really earnest post about cuddling:

I don't always need or want sex to feel intimacy. And it hurts my feelings a smidge when I can't just be held or caressed without being expected to "put out" as the grand finale of a cuddle session. It kind of taints the enjoyment of the touching.

Expectations are not sexy. Before I knew any better, I used to want to have sex most times (probably every time) we cuddled. Cate had to give me The Talk. That's when, as a loving and attentive husband, you're supposed to do The Listening. The thing is, listening is fine, but there is this other part to it that is harder to get, it's called Caring and Comprehending. If you're not careful, she could expect that you're not going to listen, meaning you're not going to care or comprehend, so she may not even try to talk about it. The result is deadlock. And then of course you're back to square one. Expectations are not sexy.

Years ago Cate gave me The Talk more than once. She had to because the game was on. Actually no. I was just checking if you were paying attention. However, sad as it is, she did have to talk to me multiple times about cuddling and expectations of sex because it truly was a hard habit to break for me. As it apparently is for many men.

I'm not sure what it is. It might be hardwired in our genetics, but I have no idea. All I can tell you is what it felt like. Whenever I cuddled with Cate, I wanted her so much. The way she smelled, the way her body was warm against mine, the way she had of making me feel like the luckiest man in the world. It all compiled into a desire to be with her completely, to remove those clothed barriers and to be inside her. As I see it, it's not that I was a Neanderthal. It's just that the effect she had on me was that overpowering.

No wonder the Catholic Church decided eons ago that the desire for women was evil and that women were to be controlled and belittled.

Another more light-hearted way to interpret it is that I knew she was going to discover at any moment that I was a fraud and throw my sorry ass out. Must, fuck, her, before, find, out, ugh.

I did eventually get it though.

I should say that I've always liked physical affection in the form of hugs, kisses and whatnot—something which I think comes from compensating for a childhood where I didn't get enough, if at all—so that might have helped me get over the hump in my pants during cuddles.

Cate and I actually cuddle quite a bit. I often find her reading a book on the bed or taking a nap, and I can't resist joining her. We either fall asleep or I just lay there enjoying her smell. Sometimes we talk. Other times it's just a short but recharging respite from the daily grind before we disengage to get back to work or whatever needs to get done. At night I always cuddle with her before falling asleep. Every single night. She expects it too. Fancy that.

Although I'm not a Neanderthal anymore, one thing to note is that I haven't stopped touching her in intimate or even sexual places while we cuddle.

Clothed or not, I like to cup her breasts gently. Often I slip a hand under her shirt to feel the skin on her tummy. It happens that my fingers are way too cold and then she jumps and scolds me for it and we laugh. I like to feel her hips and her legs. On the more rare occasion I will briefly feel between her legs over the pants or panties. I don't think she minds any of it. It makes me feel closer to her. I feel lucky to be allowed these intimate touches. It's like indulging. It adds to my experience of cuddling.

And then of course, as Bella points out, there is the possibility that it may lead to more... Sometimes we look at each other and we know that later, we're on. Other times, the next day we end up having sex and the little touches and caresses of the day before are remembered. Which makes everything yummier.

Back to cuddling, whether I touch her intimately or not, it does occur regularly that I get an erection. However I don’t feel that I have to do something about it. I think she takes it as a compliment. And having an erection feels good so I like that.

In a way it's also reassuring. Mind you I'm not 20 anymore, so as a man it's always nice to feel an erection spring up in not-so-sexual circumstances. To get one while I'm holding Cate, just like in the days when she had to give me The Talk, is a sweet reminder that she still does it for me.

Open Relationships vs Dirty Underwear

2012-01-04T02:01:00.001-05:00

You think an open relationship is a challenging concept? Here's a more challenging one.

The parents of a friend of ours are divorced. However they still live together and she takes care of him even though he has a girlfriend. That's right. They are not in love anymore and they don't sleep together, yet they live in the same house, she cooks for him and does his laundry... And he dates another woman.

When I heard about it I didn't know what to say, and I'm sure I must have stood there for a few seconds with my jaw dropping.

It's not only that the situation is unusual. It's that as a generation and a culture we make a big fuss over open relationships, yet here we have... this. I'm not even sure what to call it. It's easy to see it as an old woman and an old man stuck in an old-fashioned ritual. Maybe she's been washing his dirty underwear for 30 years, and maybe he doesn't even know where his clean underwear are, so what are they going to do? Might as well just continue doing what they have done all their lives in their symbiotic relationship even though love and sex are not part of the equation anymore.

But what if they were in their 20's instead? I bet that would change your outlook on it. You would probably be more willing to think this can't possibly be right.

Isn't it weird that we're culturally programmed to make some assumptions and find some sense in an old woman washing her ex's dirty underwear and feeding him while he's dating another woman? But we're not willing to make the same outright concessions for a younger woman?

All these questions and more were going through my head while my jaw was hanging there.

One crazy thought. Isn't that an open relationship of sorts?

We tend to assume an open relationship is about sex, and maybe affection, or love even. Not about laundry, cooking, and bills. However, countless marriages have come to an end because of differences over laundry, cooking and bills, so they are certainly part of the crucial elements in a relationship.

I don't know. There is a parallel in there to be made about open relationships and the big deal we make about it, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Maybe it's that, unlike this poor woman who lost everything but who's still cleaning her ex's dirty underwear, at least in an open relationship you don't lose anything. You still love your spouse, they still love you, you still have sex together, and maybe you do even wash each other's underwear. But you also stand a chance that allowing yourself and your spouse to have experiences outside of your relationship may increase your individual levels of happiness, which might then reward your relationship by feeding it from the outside in.

Of course, you could also just scratch all that and say that it's the man in this odd situation who's taking advantage of his ex-wife and living the old male chauvinistic dream.

In that case, you could also ask yourself which one of the two women in this arrangement is the most gullible. The one who's washing the dirty underwear for nothing, or the one who's in love with a person who needs his ex to take care of him? How low are your standards if you think someone like that is a good catch?

This is challenging on so many levels, my head is starting to spin.

The Real Hotties of the Year

2011-12-30T03:05:00.001-05:00

I have told you all year, and at great length, about my theories regarding love, sex and everything in between, so I think it's time I cut you some slack. Just for one day, you deserve it. Instead, in this end of year let's get down and dirty with a bit of levity and shallowness, shall we!

Among the many things that I do as a loving and libidinous husband, I keep an eye out for sexy women. Hey, it's part of life so you can cut me some slack too, mmk? Well, I've noticed a trend in movies and shows that I've been watching. It's that the hottie for me is not always the intended hottie.

Let me explain.

Many popular movies come with the de facto babe, the one we're supposed to accept as the hottest because she has the leading role.

For example, think of Angelina Jolie. It's possible that many (most?) women out there think that all men desire Angelina, but I don't think that's the case. She does have striking features, but she's too skinny and she doesn't have that little something that would make me physically attracted to her. Olivia Wilde is another one whom I didn't really warm up to despite her beautiful face. Until, that is, when I saw her this year in Tron Legacy, where her features are actually toned down. It's the haircut. It just did it for me. Go figure.

But no really, some of those leading actresses are truly dreadful! I know I may be on my own here, but a few of them are downright reasons for me to stay away, or at the very least be careful. Here I'm thinking of actresses like Keira "throw me a bone" Knightly, Katherine "eyes wide apart" Heigl, or Penelope "I can't act" Cruz. For the life of me, I can't imagine why they are considered attractive. Shudder.

As it turns out, more than ever this year I found myself eyeing the actress in the supporting role, the sidekick, or the newcomer.

Speaking of Katherine Heigl, I didn't watch 27 Dresses but Cate did. And as I took distracted peeks at the screen, the woman I found myself doing double-takes for is Judy Greer. She tends to play the role of the slightly goofy friend, but she's super cute, has beautiful eyes, and has a genuine expression. There is something about her that I really find attractive. As in, I would go for her.

Ginnifer Goodwin in Something Borrowed was also a no-contest. The little brunette was hands down way more sexy and attractive than Kate Hudson, who more often than not comes off as obnoxious and over the top in her roles. Of course, Ginnifer earned instant bonus points for buddying up with the very cool John Krasinski. And then I found this photo of Ginnifer and that sealed the deal for me. Instant hottie.

During the run-up to Christmas, Cate and I watched Love Actually because, well, it was free and it's a Christmas movie. In it, another pretty brunette, Martine McCutcheon, plays the assistant to the Prime Minister. And I thought it was ridiculous that she is referred to as the girl with the fat hips. There is absolutely everything right with those curves—hips or otherwise—and I happened to be very interested in them. Besides, I have a thing for gals who speak with a lovely British accent. Mmm.

Being physically attracted to someone often depends on little things that are difficult to describe. I can't exactly say what it is, but whenever I see Patricia Clarkson in a movie, I like her, and not just in a I-like-her kind of way. For sure she is a beautiful lady, but there is also something about her carefree and liberal attitude that I find very sexy. The fact that I sometimes have a thing for older women may have something to do with it too. Who knows.

I don't want to be too long, so let me wrap up this hottie selection with Becki Newton in the TV show Love Bites. I know, she wasn't the sidekick. But even then, she still deserved many appreciative comments from me as the hottest pregnant woman I have seen in a while. With that sexy smile and those blonde locks, they had me watching. Too bad they decided to cancel the show.

Mmm, the coming year should be fun. Have a good one!

A Blow Job for Christmas

2011-12-24T03:17:00.000-05:00

I woke up with the sensation of wet lips sucking on my penis. I wasn't hard yet but it felt good all the same. I smirked and emitted a low appreciative moan. There were long hair flowing over my legs. A gentle hand was caressing my testicles. I didn't want to open my eyes just yet.

My cock was starting to grow in her mouth and she seemed encouraged by it. There was a sound of satisfaction in the way she slurped the tightening skin on the head of my cock. I attributed it to the taste of pussy that undoubtedly remained from our earlier prolonged fuck.

I wondered how many hours I had slept like this, spent and satiated. Two, three hours maybe? I could tell it was still dark. She must have woken up and decided I deserved a nighttime blow job. That meant my other sexy partner must still be passed out next to me.

I reached out to my right and found a hand. The fourth finger was ringed. Cate was still sleeping. Sonia was between my legs cleaning up the dried mess of their mixed juices. And plotting on making a new one, as I could tell from her obvious interest in the size that my cock had now reached.

Our eyes met. Sonia had wrapped her hand around my thick cock. I placed my left hand on her bobbing head. Cate's hand was resting in mine.

I was in bliss and I abandoned myself to Sonia's lovely mouth. It's not like she was going to take no for an answer. Her blow job felt like heaven for my sore cock. Her saliva was coating the taut skin, enhancing the sweet impulses she triggered every time she swallowed my cock a little deeper.

The suction from her cheeks was becoming more audible. It was rhythmic and suggestive. Sonia wasn't taking any detour. She was purposefully horny and wet and raunchy. In my mind I had a vague suspicion that she had her fingers between her legs, playing with her clit as she sucked my cock. For all I knew I was just a toy, an oral fixation for her to get herself off.

But that was a distant thought. In my mind I was the sexual center of the world, and in that world Sonia wanted her friend's husband on a straight trajectory to uncontrolled orgasm. She wanted whatever was left of the cum in my balls from last night's fuck fest to spurt into her slutty mouth. There was no possibility to believe otherwise because the intense, lubricated friction of her tongue on the tip of my cock was too good, too irresistible.

A deep moan came from Cate next to me. The squirming and the slurping and the sucking had woken her up. She pushed herself closer to me, her breasts pressing against my arm, her voice appreciative in my ear of the blow job Sonia was giving me. She was turned on like every time I masturbate next to her, or every time I get fucked while she watches. It is as though my pleasure can somehow flow into her and caress her nipples, fill her pussy, torment her clit...

Even though my eyes were closed shut, in my mind I knew at that instant that Cate's eyes were fixated on my face. I knew that their gaze had this familiar, deep yearning for my orgasm to surge. And there was nothing I could do but capitulate.

My shaft swelled between Sonia's fingers and my testicles tightened up. She was sucking the tip of my cock, steadily in and out between the tight seal of her perfectly wet lips, awaiting her naughty prize. That was so good, so intense, so unstoppable. The pleasure shot up so fast from deep within me, making me buck my hips and tilt my head. I satisfyingly felt the stream of hot cum race up the length of my hardened cock. Then it gushed out right into Sonia's hungry mouth, once, twice, thrice. The count became a blur. Sounds of sweet torture escaped my mouth with each burst of delightful orgasm.

It lasted as long as Cate kept breathing her waves of addicted approval into my ear. She stopped eventually, but when she did I had already passed out, succumbing once more to the beautiful female creatures inhabiting my bed.

Innermost Secrets

2011-12-13T23:24:00.004-05:00

It's no secret that health wise I haven't been well. And Fruit Taster has been so amazingly respectful towards me in not fully disclosing the hardships he faces, that we face. We hear about some of our friends who have relationship issues and quite honestly, we would rather have some of those than what we currently deal with.

But we have what we have. Life is what it is.

I think about him, his sacrifices in being the care taker—a role neither of us wants him to take on; but we made vows and he is truly an honorable man… I think of what we both have gone through and worry for him. And sexually, I don't want him to have regrets—I've got plenty of my own what with my current state. But with envy and the possibility of regret can bring on a twinge of resentment.

And I don't want to be on the receiving end of what comes with resentment's territory.

We have done a great job thus far steering clear of it, but I see the wear it all has on him and it saddens me.

I want for him to experience the things I can't do at present, but there's something nagging inside me, holding back, and I can't quite put my finger on it. Part of me wants to let loose the reigns and let him have his way in the fields, yet another part just wants to hold tight to the bridle until we both can gallop free together.

In the meantime, I read reassuring letters like this reminding me that life can still be good with our opening-up choices, especially when I think about the morning after and how happy we both were. But, I still have my tiny doubts—the doubts seeded during childhood from a religious upbringing that goes completely against my adult beliefs.

Sometimes I feel a weight upon us. One that waits for things to change on so many levels. Until that change comes, I will continue to caress his soft beard and swim in his gentle eyes.

~Cate xox

More Thoughts on My Sexual Agenda

2011-12-11T03:07:00.001-05:00

I have had a few more thoughts after I published my last piece about turning 40. I consider them relevant enough to be shared here.

One is that I really identify with the words "the sexual agenda". Those words came to me as I was writing and I didn't pay much attention to them. But after the fact it struck me how perfectly they sum up the root of my worries. I suspect that I will keep using that expression. I'm grateful that I decided to write about this difficult topic that particular night. I had written quite a lot previously, trying to understand my feelings, but it's one of those things where if you keep digging, you will end up hitting pay dirt.

I don't know how many people have a sexual agenda, in the way that some people have a bucket list. I was talking about it with Cate and I realized that sex is one of my priorities in life. No matter what is going on, it never falls out of my top 5. For some people, the stresses and worries of life interfere with their capacity to desire sex. But for me it's the opposite: no matter how bad things get in my life, sex is the one thing I can rely on to make me feel good.

To me it's like love. When all hell has broken loose, we don't stop loving the people we love. If anything, in some situations we rely even more on that love to bring us strength and comfort. Sex is like that to me. When things are tough, I don't stop wanting to masturbate, I don't stop having sexual fantasies, I don't stop wanting to make love. If anything, I need it even more to remind me after a tough day that there are things that are absolute in life and that nothing can take away from me.

In that sense I relate to Laura's character in the great movie High Fidelity with John Cusack. After her dad dies, she tells Rob in the car that she wants to have sex with him, because she would rather feel that than feel pain. Like Laura in that scene, I depend on sex to re-energize me and help me carry on no matter what is going on in my life.

I often compare sex to love when I explain my feelings about it. The two have a component of feeling expression as well as a component of playfulness. They are the main pillars, the two poles, of who we are emotionally.

Something else that came out from my previous post was triggered by 13messages' comment about the fear of hurting his wife when discussing the topic of sexual entitlement. I didn't mention it in my post but that's something that was on my mind too when I wrote that piece. I do worry about that a lot. I actually had written a few really lovely paragraphs that I ended up deleting before publishing that piece because I felt that it was a whole topic in itself. I also felt that I was trying to say very private things without really saying them because they are, well, really private between Cate and me. And for you, reading such veiled words would just be a frustrating experience.

Here is a bit of insight in what goes on in my mind when I write here. I share a great deal of myself and my relationship with Cate, but this is not a complete picture of what our life is like. Some aspects of our relationship are more owned by me, others by her, and others equally by both of us. I write pretty freely about my stuff and I try to be considerate about stuff that concerns both Cate and me. Clearly, I try to leave out Cate's stuff because it's her own prerogative to decide to share it or not on her own terms, but I need to draw the line somewhere for the stuff we both own, and that topic of fear of hurting Cate's feelings is one that straddles that line.

We talked after 13messages' comment and she said that she doesn't want me to worry about saying something here that could hurt her. That reassured me to some degree. My interpretation or extrapolation of what she said, if I may, is that she means that she trusts me, and that she knows I'm a kind and giving person, and that it is from that perspective that she reads the words I put down here.

13messages is right. It takes two to dance, and a sexual agenda is not something you can unilaterally decide on. However entitled or right I may feel about my sexual desires, that doesn't make them automatically true for Cate. That goes both ways too.

One part of the difficulty, I think, is that sex for two tends to be a lowest common denominator of the sexual desires of the two people involved. There are things I'm interested in that Cate said she will never be willing to do or let me do. In that sense, not only does she have the power to make my sexual fantasies come true, she also has the power to trim my list of fantasies that have the possibility of ever coming true. And I believe that's OK because consent in sex is absolutely primordial. A healthy and fulfilling sex life for two can only occur when both partners agree on what is going on. This is the very basis for swinging. If one is swinging only because their partner wanted it, that's not healthy and you can expect trouble.

My ugly secret is that I do envy other people who seem to have very closely matching libidos. I dislike this feeling. It's not usually in my nature to be jealous or envious, but for something like this, yeah, I do feel that. This might strike some of you as funny since Cate and I have so much already, and I know it because we have seen so many couples fall apart along the way while we have remained strong and have continued to grow. Maybe that's why I resent that feeling of envy even more. Note that a blog is only a window into other people's lives, and it's entirely possible that some couples I envy are really screwed up in ways that don't transpire on their blogs. Who knows. What I do know is that sex experiences without regrets is one component that I really feel is essential for me to have in my relationship with Cate.

Cate and I don't have exactly matching libidos. That's one of the reasons I have this blog, because I needed a way to manage that. Our libidos are not entirely different, but they are different enough that concessions have to be made. At some point we had made lists of things we wanted to experience sexually. Not just things we fantasize about, but things we would actually be willing to give a try. When negotiating sexual boundaries and limits, it's easy to concentrate on our differences and think that we mostly differ. But we found that we mostly match, more so than I had suspected. It's a good exercise to do if you're not sure how sexually compatible you are with your spouse. This reflection made me realize that the difficulty is not just that people sometimes have mismatching sexual fantasies, but also that they have different levels of priority for living their sexuality. For me, it's a top 5 item. For Cate, and here I will allow myself to say a bit about her private self, it's a more fluctuating item. It easily moves up and down her list of priorities depending on what else is going on.

The takeaway is that we have mostly similar sexual fantasies, but we assign different levels of importance to them. That's where the management of libidos and negotiating of sexual agendas come in. Opening up our relationship is a part of all that too. Not that I have any idea today—or tonight—how to exactly do this yet, but that's the realization at this point.

It's OK that we have to go through that, because my love for her is the very foundation of everything else. I would never be able to contemplate the sexual fantasies I currently have if it were not for her. You can't dance by yourself. Especially as a male, you can't go to swingers clubs by yourself, but it's more than that. The goal for me is not that I'd like to have wall-to-wall sex whenever I want with whoever I want. Instead, my dearest wish is to experience a true, deep, rewarding relationship with someone who knows me completely, through and through, surely in the ways that I love, but also in what makes me tick sexually and in sharing these things together, either physically, intellectually, or emotionally, to enhance our connection.

I know I'm an idealist, so sue me. But there is something I admire in people who swing or otherwise live in an open relationship, and who manage to be deeply in love with one another. I can't imagine a purest form of love. Exposing yourself so totally to someone and trusting them to gently handle every bit of who you are, not only your heart and your thoughts, but also your crazy fantasies and your sexual insecurities, to me that is the truest form of love.

There is no way I can get that without Cate. From the start we have had something special, and I never even thought I would get to the level where I am today. Am I greedy in wanting to achieve even more? I don't think so. When you reach for the sky and the heavens appear to be in sight, are you supposed to stop dreaming? I wouldn't want to.

Not everything that we have to negotiate, sexually speaking, is a fundamental difference between us. Some of them, as Cate's last post hinted to, is that there are things going on that are out of our control and the only thing we can do is react and deal as best we can.

Health issues is one of them. Cate's health has been a major source of concern for both of us for quite a while now. The part that relates to this post, is that while I do everything in my power to love her and support her, my sexual desires do not stop while she is slowed down by illness. That is a major source of concern for me as I try to understand my feelings about my sexual agenda and I battle alongside Cate with the uncertainty that we're facing.

I know that, again, I'm starting to say things without saying them, which is what caused me to trim paragraphs from my previous post. Let's not go there.

For now, let me use a quote by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross that Cate sent me the other day, which accurately describes the admiration I have for her, in the light of everything we're going through, and which explains why I will continue battling alongside her, for her health as well as for our common sexual fulfilment.

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

That… There… Yeah.

Turning 40 and The Sexual Agenda

2011-12-07T03:23:00.001-05:00

A few days ago, a fellow blogger confessed to turning 42 later this month. I entered the 40's myself a couple years ago, and to be honest, I had a rough time of it. The hard and sad truth is, I still do have a hard time with being 40. It's about sex, really, and about what it means to have sex at 40.

I tried to talk about it here before, but all I have to show for my attempts are several drafts that I wrote over the years and which I never published for reasons that I have a hard time explaining to you with accuracy. I don't like saying this, but there is some level of shame in there that relates to how much of a late bloomer I was and how long I let sex take a backseat when I knew that sex was important for me to be happy as a human being.

It's difficult for me to let this out. Now, and for a few years, I have been finding myself wishing I had started exploring and asserting my sexuality earlier. I'm afraid I started too late. I'm scared of not having enough time to do all the things I want to do. I'm concerned of ending up having regrets.

I can hear many of you cheering me on, telling me not to worry, that sexuality is alive and well up until our 50's and 60's. But I don't know… When we think of having sex all-nighters, of experimenting sexually, of having a high frequency for sex, I think of people in their 20's and 30's, not people in their 40's. For Goodness' sake, the most prominent model we have of sex at 40 is those guys on Viagra commercials who are happy to have managed an erection! I try instead to reassure myself by thinking how the age range for swinging tends to include a lot of people in their 40s.

It bothers me that age bothers me. Age is one of those things I wish I didn't fret about. I used not to. I always thought that age was just a number and I used to laugh at the topic of aging. But then I reached my late 30's and it inexplicably hit me. Around 38, 39 years of age I realized I had passed my sexual peak, and I started worrying about how many years I realistically had left of good-enough sexual stamina. Or maybe more accurately, I started worrying about all the things I had ever wanted to try but hadn't yet, and whether I still had enough time to try them and enjoy them so that I wouldn't have any regrets later in life.

At this point I feel like going back and editing everything I wrote above. I don't know why it's so hard for me to talk about this. I'm not proud of these worries I have. I wish I didn't have them, but they're there in my mind, and so far I haven't been able to brush them aside.

Well, I say I don't know, but I do know one reason why I'm uneasy with talking about my feelings regarding sex and being 40. It's that I don't know if it's selfish of me to ask for more when I'm already so lucky to have the life that I have.

At the same time, Cate and I have been through so much. It's almost as though one part of me feels entitled to getting the rewards of sex, when I see other people get the sexual experiences I long for even though I don't think, maybe wrongly, that some of them have the right appreciation for it. There is a word for that: jealousy.

Again, I'm not proud of it. And I can't say I understand it.

Some have it rough

2011-11-28T01:20:00.005-05:00

You know the song, "Some like it hot"? Well, it plays to the tune of "Some have it rough" in my head. And it isn't what you might be thinking.

See, there is a lot going on at the home front what with busy schedules, busy lives, biting off more than we can chew—even though we hadn't realized it at the time—and parenting (maybe even spousal) woes. Unfortunately, at this present time, my darling, most caring of all husbands, is the sole breadwinner in our household. That is definitely rough.

As I mentioned before of the busyness that's afoot, well, most of it is on his plate. Finding and indulging in guilty pleasures has decreased as has own personal space.

My Fruit Taster is amazing. But amazing just doesn't cut it. It is simply not enough to describe who he is as a person.

His kindness is giving up his clothes so another won't go without.
His warmth is the sun beating down like a comforting blanket.
His patience is tenderness towards a crying baby.
His loyalty is like a master and his beast.
His trust is a gift.
His lovemaking elicits mind orgasms.
His love is gentle, yet ferocious.
His heart is strong, yet fragile.
His strength is solid, yet waivers at times.

And it is during those times—times like now—where I try my damnedest to lift him high, to support him from underneath, to hold his hand while I lead, and to bring his head to my bosom, my shoulder.

Sometimes, I wish I was more like him.

The Best Sexual Position

2011-11-19T13:59:00.000-05:00

That's it, I'm ready to call it. My favorite sexual position for two is the tit fuck 69. Not a tit fuck followed by a 69, or vice versa, but both, orgasmically, at the same time.

Here's how it goes. It's a 69 with the man on top, but with his cock fucking her tits instead of her mouth. He's going down on her, she's licking his testicles, and they're tit fucking all at the same time. Really, it feels like a threesome for two. It's amazing. For the life of me, I don't know why we don't ever see that in porn.

Doing it is so hot that it takes me all of my will power not to come right then and there. Of course, for her that's not a problem so she can come as much as she wants. I know Cate did. (Hey babe!)

We were inspired to try that by a few things.

One is that I absolutely love having my testicles played with. Whether it be manual or oral caresses, it never fails to increase the fun I'm having into levels that I would call heavenly. One of my hottest fantasies is to have a threesome with two women where I'm fucking one and the other is licking my testicles. Mmm, that is definitely in the top 5 of things I'd like to try.

Another is that Cate loves it when I fuck her tits. It really does something to her that few other things do. I can see it in her face and her eyes. She tells me it really turns her on to be used in that way. And sliding my cock between her warm, round breasts feels so good. It's not unlike quiet electricity.

Finally there is this threesome video of Seska with Allie & Jake that Cate and I find really hot. That scene where Seska and Allie are 69'ing, with Jake alternately fucking Allie's pussy and Seska's mouth, and Seska is alternating between licking Allie's clit and Jake's testicles… It's just, mmm, so naughty and delicious.

Cate and I have done the tit fuck 69 a few times. It's all that rolled into one.

She's getting her clit played with, she's licking and sucking my testicles, and she's having her tits used. I'm eating her sweet pussy, my favorite thing in the world, I'm getting my balls played with, which is so heavenly, and I'm fucking her wet tits that she's pressing together around my hard cock… Needless to say, I don't thrust too much, because it helps her use her mouth on me, but also because I want to make it last forever.

Mmm, just thinking about it…

We All Have Sex Three Times A Week

2011-11-02T00:40:00.001-04:00

Don't we all have sex two to three times a week?

Cate and I were talking about frequency. Whenever the topic of frequency comes up, either among friends or in random surveys, it seems that everyone and the milkman is doing it two to three times a week.

I don't buy it.

For one thing, Cate and I have known so many couples who had issues in their relationship, especially the women in those relationships who I thought were getting a bad bargain in the way their partner was treating them. There is just no way they are having sex three times a week. Or if they are, it's probably not a form of sex I would consider healthy, communicative, loving, or fun for both parties involved.

Another thing I'm considering is how everyone constantly complains about how little time they have, what with work and the kids and dinner and errands and chores and this and that. Life is just way busy. Couple that with the fact that the average American is watching 4 1/2 hours of television per day, and it just seems to me that sex two to three times a week is stretching it.

I looked it up and according to the Kinsey Institute, only the 18-29 year-old age group has sex more than twice a week, with an average of 2.15. All other age groups are well below that: 1.65 for 30-39 year-olds, and 1.33 for 40-49 year-olds.

When you look at who actually has sex 2-3 times a week, always according to the Kinsey Institute, you find that it's really only about a third of the 18-29 year-olds who are having that much fun. That means that 2/3 of 18-29 year-olds, plus everyone in all other age groups—that's a lot of people—are enjoying the pleasures of the flesh less often than the fabled average described in the title above.

Even for the one third of 18-29 year olds, only a handful of them are having sex three times a week, but with an average of 2.15, it sounds better to say "two to three" at the cocktail party.

So yeah, someone is embellishing.

It's as though the "two to three times a week" number has become the gold standard by which everyone evaluates how well they are doing between the sheets. It's the politically correct answer for semi-intimate social gatherings. And I wouldn't be surprised if people stretch the truth when responding to anonymous surveys as well, just because we're soothing our ego.

The truth is, nobody really knows how much sex their neighbors are getting, and I think a lot of people are worried that the Joneses are getting naughty more often than they are, so everyone pulls upward on their scale of sexual activity, not wanting to be left behind or look like they don't match the standard of wall-to-wall sex we are treated with by our culture of Sex In The City and celebrity sex tapes.

Never mind the fact that no one uses tapes anymore. Or that Sarah Jessica Parker is one of the least attractive woman in recent history.

That's kind of sad.

Not that we're not having as much sex as we say we are, but that we feel compelled to lie about it.

Knowing all this, the question becomes, just how often do you think is the right amount for you to have sex? And no peeking between the curtains at the Joneses to check out their answers!

Sex Toy Reviews Are Flawed and How to Fix It

2011-10-30T03:23:00.001-04:00

I was recently contacted by an online store that offered me to write reviews of sex toys on my blog. The perk? I would get free toys. The catch? I would be required to send link traffic their way, and I would have to keep writing out reviews at regular intervals.

Cate and I discussed it and I asked advice from a sexy blogger friend who has done it before. The thought of getting free sex toys is definitely tempting, especially at the price that quality sex toys sell for. However there was something about that offer that made me feel uneasy. It took me a couple days to figure out why as well as to figure out a solution.

The problem is that the hand that would feed me, the online store, is the same hand that I would have to reward, by giving link traffic and regular representation. The problem is that I would get something out of recommending a particular retailer.

One way to look at it is that the store would effectively be bribing me into doing free advertising for them. Now free advertising is totally kosher if I independently and willfully decide to recommend a retailer to my readers because I genuinely love to shop there myself and I think others should too. However this becomes questionable when it is initiated by the retailer itself.

Another way to look at it is that the free toy would indeed be a form of kickback for my work. In this case, that would put into question the truthfulness and validity of my review. There would be no way for a reader to know whether my comments are genuine or not. I would need to make a full disclosure to my readers that I am associated with that store and that I am benefiting from whatever I'm saying about the toy.

I just don't want to be in that position.

Fortunately there is way this can be fixed.

The crux of the problem is that sex toys are currently pushed by online retailers to be reviewed by bloggers, who are then required to link back to the particular store.

A better approach is one used by the technology world. Just like for sex toys, technology businesses thrive on product reviews. But in their model, it's manufacturers that push free products to bloggers (and journalists) for review.

This completely breaks the unethical cycle because, as a reviewer, the company that gave you the product and the store that you recommend buying it at are two different entities. There is no question to your readers that you are linking to a particular retailer out of genuine support, because you are the one choosing to recommend them.

The nice thing is that, in this scenario, kickbacks are still possible without becoming conflicts of interest. A good example of that is Amazon. Through their affiliate program you can voluntarily recommend products from any manufacturer, and you can get a kickback if someone buys through your recommendation. Since it's voluntary, there is no question you're linking to Amazon out of conviction, not out of obligation.

So I believe this needs to happen:

Sex toys should be sent to reviewers by manufacturers themselves, not by online retailers looking for traffic and sales.
Online retailers should make it possible for satisfied customers to voluntarily join an affiliate program, without requiring anything in return.

Manufacturers push products. Stores pay for voluntary links. Keeping the source of the product and the source of the kickback separate keeps everything ethical.

Let's hope this can happen. The big question is, why aren't sex toy manufacturers pushing products to bloggers themselves instead of letting online stores do it all? I wrote to two manufacturers asking them if they would consider sending me free toys to review. We'll see.

Play With Yourself While I Fuck You

2011-10-24T01:23:00.001-04:00

While Cate and I play, between breaths, I sometimes say "Play with yourself while I fuck you."

Oh yes, please do.

To me it's not a matter of please as much as a matter of do. As in, oh-god-do-it-now-that-is-so-fucking-hot. It's not an optional suggestion. It's a demand. A desire. No, a need that I have to see the woman that I'm fucking at this instant take the matters into her own hands and torment her clit silly until bliss overpowers her and leaves her sweaty and damp from exhaustion and orgasm.

Nothing is more beautiful than a woman enjoying sexual pleasure.

Putting limits on it makes no sense.

I'm thinking about the quintessential question sent to magazine sex columnists and basic sexuality forums. If he masturbates, does that mean I'm not enough for him? Or, if she plays with herself while we have sex, does that mean I'm inadequate?

I can't identify with this kind of thinking. When I'm having sex, the goal is pleasure. Anything that I or she can do to enhance the level of pleasure, to bring it ever higher, is fine by me.

Most importantly, and I don't know how common this is among men, it's not my pleasure that I'm the most interested on raising, it's the pleasure of the woman I'm having sex with. The way it works for me is, the most fun my sex partner is having, the most fun I'm having.

I sometimes read horror stories where a woman gets fucked by some guy and he comes and he leaves and she's left to wonder what the fuck happened. That doesn't compute in the brain of this sex writer and libido owner. Having an orgasm and ejaculating is nice, but why settle for that when real mind-blowing sex can be achieved?

Actually it's not even that. Because I'm not really interested in coming and ejaculating. To tell you the truth, the more I can delay the inevitable by bullshitting my brain that orgasming is not that much fun after all, the more enjoyment I get out of sex. Come to think of it, a sexual encounter is like life: it's not a destination, it's a journey. If you're a man anyway. If you're a woman and you're able to have multiple orgasms during sex, then the journey is the destination, so you're all set. But for men it's a one-time shot at the orgasmic prize. And yes I know, some of us can have multiple orgasms, but to be honest those pre-orgasms, as I like to call them, are not real orgasms, they're just small peaks followed by a few seconds of letdown.

I get as much fun out of oozing precum all over the sheets while I'm going down on my wife and hearing her moan and feeling her hips buck her pussy against my face.

I read an interpretation somewhere that said men who like to make women come do it out of personal ego. I disagree. I don't do it to feel good about myself. I do it for her to feel good about herself. A woman in the throws of ecstasy is beautiful because all of life's daily chores are gone from her mind, and it shows in her body. All the lines, be they from aging or from worrying, disappear from her face. All of her body moves in ways that it never does otherwise. Her eyes become completely pure, like a perfect design. The sounds she makes you will never hear again unless you can repeat the feat.

It is raw revelation of who she is. She is letting you see her completely and entirely. If you've done it right.

Even more so when she's masturbating in front of you, letting you see how she touches her clit, how she dips deeper into her wet pussy, how she pinches her erect nipples as she experiences waves of orgasmic delight. Always with this beautiful face.

And those eyes looking into your soul.

How could I not want her to play with herself while my erect cock is deep inside her, connecting me, if only partially, to the sensations that she experiences?

And when she comes and tightens her vaginal grip on me, is there a way, any way at all, that I can continue to bullshit my brain into thinking that ejaculating is not the most appropriate response?

We're Opening Up Slowly

2011-10-20T01:25:00.001-04:00

I realize I haven't talked much lately about how things are going for Cate and I and what we're doing to open our relationship. The last time I touched on that was in July! I feel a need for an update.

Since this summer we have talked quite a bit about what opening our relationship means for us and the possible ways to go about it. Personally it makes me happy that this whole topic is back on the table. As Cate rightly pointed out, this is something we have been talking about pretty much since we were dating, so it's nothing new! We both agree that we didn't have the maturity as a couple to make it happen 10 or 15 years ago though. I don't think we knew ourselves, separately and together, well enough and we're glad we didn't do it then because it very well could have been harmful to our marriage.

Today, our perspective about opening up is one that I'm feeling very secure about. My belief is that, with the history of life events that we have, if none of the awful shit we went through has pulled us apart yet, then nothing will. We've seen so, so many friends and family get divorced or separate over the years, and they were not even in open relationships. (At least, not that we're aware of.) On the other hand, a good friend of mine is in an open relationship and he's been with his wife since college. This tells me that being honest about your needs, sexual or otherwise, and being open-minded about possible arrangements, is the best way to avoid a breakup.

I read something recently in the profile of an open-relationship couple—I forget who—that has stayed with me. It's that they are each other's number one and they are not looking to replace each other. That describes Cate and I really well.

Cate read a book called Sexual Fluidity, by Lisa M. Diamond, over the summer and she found it fascinating. This book explains that women make intimate connections with other people in a way that is not strictly bound by gender. Basically, it's easy for women to be bisexual and it's easy for them to flow between an attraction toward men or toward women at different times in their lives, depending on a variety of factors. Cate very much identifies with this view. She didn't know what to make of her feelings before, but now that she's read this book, it makes perfect sense.

Cate started looking for a girlfriend again by putting up ads on a few dating sites. She wants to be in a relationship with another woman. Not just for sex or out of curiosity, but really for something serious. She also spent time with a terrific lesbian couple we know, talking about what she's doing. They thought it's fantastic that I'm all for it and they had all kinds of advice for Cate. After all, what are friends for! One of their advice is to look for a woman who is clear that she's either lesbian or bi. Cate would ideally like for her girlfriend to hit it off with me too, so that we could open the door to three-way sex. Unfortunately I don't think this is the kind of thing you can custom order so we'll see.

In that sense, what Cate is talking about for herself is more akin to polyamory. We've also talked about my expectations in our open relationship, and for me it's more about the sex. I am emotionally dedicated to Cate and I don't feel a need to change that at all. I like the idea of sharing Cate's girlfriend, but I also like the idea of having my own lover. For me it's a matter of being able to try new things in a different context. I feel that stepping out of our relationship to discover new things and bring them back into the relationship is a good way to feed each other.

However I am consciously taking a back seat on all of this. Both Cate and I prefer for her to make these steps first, and then I will follow at some point. We're kind of feeling our way through this, and it's kind of a we'll-know-it's-right-when-we-see-it thing, but we'd rather be conservative and take the time to make sure we're both OK every step of the way than do something reckless.

Another possibility is for us to meet another couple, and I think both Cate and I really love this idea. We're craving being able to talk openly about this kind of thing. It would be really great to have another couple, friends really, that we can go out with and play with, but so far that seems like a hard thing to find. We very much doubt any of our current real-life friends are into this.

But this also brings up the proximity factor, and that's valid no matter who we start getting involved with. Cate and I feel that being involved with someone who lives in the same city as us could become problematic because of the expectations it might create. Whereas if we're playing with people who live an hour or two hours away, then getting together becomes more deliberate and it feels like there would possibly be fewer mind games or emotional pull.

On another note, I went to see my doctor last week and I had a few questions about STDs and vaccines, so I frankly told him that Cate and I opened up our relationship. That was the first time I said it aloud to someone! I was a little nervous but it felt affirming to say it. It also felt good because it connected ever so slightly the person I am on this blog with the person I am in real life. I really dislike this disconnect, even though I know I need and even enjoy some parts of it. I've often thought of writing about this but I can't wrap my head around it in a way that it would be interesting or even that it would have a point.

So that's it for tonight. I have to get some sleep. I've been staying up late way too much lately!

My First Time at a Strip Club

2011-10-17T00:24:00.001-04:00

I went to a strip club for the first time Saturday night—I know!—and in true Fruits fashion I can't resist reporting my impressions. Hold on to your hat—or garter belt—it might be funny. Spoiler for impatient readers: It was a good experience!

Cate and I had made plans to go out Saturday but we hadn't really decided on what we were going to do. Then as we were running the usual errands on Saturday afternoon, kidless this time, the subject came up again, and in about 5 seconds we had decided to eat out at a nearby restaurant and afterward to swing by the strip club down the street for a sexy night cap.

To be fair, Cate suggested it, but to be honest, I was thinking about it too because it came up this week in conversation that she had been to a strip club before and I hadn't. It's not like we never wanted to go before, but somehow the stars aligned just right on Saturday, fixing our longtime deficiency in this matter.

The truth is, I'm all for writing about sex and having sex and meeting people with the possibility of having sex, but going to a strip club has never really been on my bucket list. I've thought it could be fun to go, but more as a curiosity. I had actually seen a woman stripping before, at a party I was attending years ago, and somehow the idea of watching a naked woman gyrating weirdly just didn't do it for me. It just didn't seem like something that would help with the real priorities of writing about sex, having sex or meeting people with the possibility of having sex.

Yet here I am writing about my experience, so I was wrong about that.

But it turned out that's not the only thing I was wrong about…

The club we went to is a standalone building on a boulevard with its own parking lot. This means you have to drive there and park your car in the back. As we did so I was joking to Cate how this was making the act feel that much more deliberate. Had we bumped into someone we knew, we couldn't have said we were just walking by and somehow happened to find ourselves inside this lovely establishment!

I was a little nervous going in, and in retrospect it was because I didn't know what the place was going to be like and what the protocol was. But once we were sitting down my jitters went away pretty much immediately.

I liked the place. It was classy and sensually decorated. We got a table midway to the stage, a little bit on the side so we could hear ourselves talk. There were other couples around us. Cate was actually surprised to see that many couples there. Not that all of them were our cup of tea. One old guy was there with a younger woman dressed as a school girl. Behind us two 40-something couples sat together, and Cate encouraged me to take a look. When I turned back to her, I said they looked like they didn't know why they were there, which made Cate agree in laughter.

Immediately around the stage were most of the young men, usually in groups of three or four. Cate commented on how one of them looked like he had never been this close to pussy in his life, but all in all they were pretty well behaved. So much so that the DJ had to encourage the crowd to cheer a few times.

The first thing that caught my attention was the menu on the table. It wasn't a food and drinks menu. It was the options available for lap dances and private dances, complete with prices for singles or couples, with or without contact. That made me laugh.

Another thing that made me laugh was the flat screen TV hanging high next to the stage. A hockey game was on. I joked to Cate whether she thought that the club would lose customers if they were to do away with the TV screen. "Gee, should I look at the naked lady or watch the hockey game, hmm…" That was weird because for me, there is just no way the two can compare. Whatever is on TV cannot possibly compete with the naked body of a beautiful woman right in front of you. Putting the two side-by-side sadly lowers the value of that beauty to something mundane. Odd.

We stayed for over an hour and I'm glad to say all the girls we saw were attractive. None of them looked like they were on drugs or anything like that, and I guess that speaks to the quality of that particular club. Some girls were more into it than others, but none looked like they wanted to be somewhere else. All of them had lovely satiny skin—although I could do without the telltale tanning-salon mocha color—and all had lovely shapes to look at. I especially liked most of the girls beautiful breasts. Many had small ones, not like what you see in porn. We got several good peaks at some of the girl's pussies. Cate even claimed that one of the girls had a pretty large clit hood, which I sadly could not verify.

The part I enjoyed the most was being able to watch all this while sitting next to my wife and debating our impressions!

In terms of spectacle, at first there was a succession of girls doing the standard routine of taking off their bra and gyrating themselves weirdly against the pole until the song ended. I'm sorry to all the dancers who will ever read this, but that doesn't do anything for me. It's just… odd. It doesn't remind me of sex and I don't find it arousing. A woman is beautiful when she is revealing herself in a natural pose, not when she's twisting herself at random angles. Anyway.

It really struck me though how hard it must be to do what these girls are doing. A gazillion girls have stripped on stage before you, and you're supposed to go up there and somehow come up with something new and catch the attention of the crowd. And, let's not forget, while sadly competing with the game on the flat screen TV.

Interestingly, after about 3 or 4 songs and the same number of dancers, Cate and I had agreed that our waitress was much more to our liking. She had rounder legs, a rounder butt, and such a very enticing cleavage in that sexy waistcoat! Later Cate did ask her if she danced, and I told her it would be lovely to see her on stage. She was flattered but said that dancing wasn't really for her, she preferred to keep her body for her boyfriend. Which I told her was very nice and honorable. Too bad though. As I said to Cate after she left us, I wouldn't mind finding her between Cate and I in bed…

But then the show picked up. One dancer arrived on stage and it was clear from the louder music and her level of energy that she was one of the main events. She was a small brunette with a pony tail—which, if you follow along, you know that I like. She commanded attention, and she was not going to take no for an answer. After the succession of girls doing the same thing, that brought the crowd more into it, with the guys in front cheering. It was fun to watch, but that still didn't really do much for my arousal level. Neither did it for Cate.

After that, more songs followed and the other girls started repeating with different clothes, er, I mean underwear on.

One of them I thought was really hot. Dark brunette, nice face, long hair, large breasts, beautiful hips… Not a girl, a woman. She did a few appearances throughout the night that I liked. But then, she was doing her thing again, and was at the point where she had just taken off her bra, kneeling and teasing the young men around the stage.

And that's when all hell broke loose.

Not just on stage, but in my pants and in Cate's panties as well.

Right in front of us, another dancer with long blonde hair had climbed onto the stage from between the tables and started approaching the brunette on her hands and knees. The crowd reacted immediately. From where we sat I saw the brunette's face light up and give this genuine smile as though she was getting her Christmas present. Within seconds she had taken the blonde's bra off and they were fooling around on stage, at the delight of the entire crowd in the club. They kissed with lips and tongues. They played with each other's breasts. One lay on top of the other and they made out, touching each other everywhere. Panties slipped off and pussies were explored. From where we were, Cate and I clearly saw at least one pussy slit get briefly covered by the other woman's mouth.

What was beautifully hot in all that was how into it the brunette was and how much she was interacting with the crowd. She was having a laugh with the customers and obviously a great time with the blonde. That's what I loved the most. Cate commented to me about that too.

The whole scene went by way too quickly, and Cate and I looked at each other like, yeah, that's more like it! My heart was beating a little faster, my senses were turned on, there was a twinge between my legs… We watched a few other girls after that but it became repetitive and I was ready to go do my own bit of fooling around…

Back at home Cate and I had hot, delicious sex while watching porn. It didn't seem to me that going to a strip club would help me with having sex, but thanks to that brunette and that blonde, it turns out that's the second thing I was wrong about.

On the way home, before the wet sex, we agreed that the strip club experience was fun but repetitive, although it would be nice to go with another couple. And what the brunette-blonde lesbian show taught us is that we like watching live sex, so next time we should really go to a swingers club instead.

Sounds interesting…

Dabbling in Nomenclature

2011-10-12T01:04:00.001-04:00

As a writer of a sex blog, and one who loves women for their sensibilities and for their sexiness, I often describe the lovely creatures that you are using words. Or rather, I attempt to do so. And it's not easy.

One reason of course is that women have fascinated men for hundreds and thousands of years, and capturing the effect you have on us using words is intrinsically an endeavour that will never end. But the more pragmatic reason for me as an author is that choosing the right words to describe you is hard.

Take breasts for example. Breasts are voluptuous, soft, beautiful. They are a fascination for men, and let's be honest, for women too. Many are the husbands who have noticed their wives peaking at other women. The problem is, what do you call breasts?

"Breasts" itself is a lovely word, but it is rather generic and not as much fun to use as other terms. And therein lies the rub. No word is one-size-fits-all. I've read women refer to their "titties" and that just doesn't work for me, under any circumstance. Or at least under no circumstance that I have encountered so far. But talk to me about "tits", just three letters less, and that word invokes tantalizing visions in my mind. (Hi Bella!) (Did I ever mention how much I love my wife to ride me with her tits in my face?) I don't really know what it is, but sometimes I see breasts and they are definitely tits. As George Carlin himself pointed out, tits are fun! "Boobs" are fun too, but it's not as naughty. Let's face it, nobody really wants to say "mmm, I love sucking on your boobs" during the throws of passion. Who are we kidding? Boobs are cute and sexy and even cuddly. You want to slip your hand under that shirt and feel their shape while you're trying to find the direction to second base, but boobs are just, well, boobs. And don't get me started on "the girls".

Speaking of girls, it would be pretty swell if we writers only had to worry about what to call your body parts, but no. Instead we have to wrestle with the fact that women can be called "girls" in some, but not all, specific contexts. And even then, every woman is different. Some think that a man calling a woman a "girl" is domineering or even infantilizing. But for me I think there is a playful and sexy aspect to it. Never in my life would I use that term to look down at a woman, on the contrary. But that's my writer point of view, and words are as much about what the reader puts into them as what the writer intended. So let's go to one extreme, the self-proclaimed "chick". Even my wife loves to throw "chick nights". To me that sounds more demeaning than calling a woman "girl", but maybe the deal is that one word in the mouth of a man doesn't have the same flavor as the same word from the lips of a woman. Let's not even talk about "babes", lest we run the risk of confusing sex with, gasp, procreation.

Going past body parts and genders, I often find myself wanting to describe the shape of a woman. And that dear readers is the most slippery slope of literary sex-blogging. With one word choice you can lose half your audience. Me? I easily find something attractive or appealing in women of all shapes and sizes, but my absolute preference goes to curves and to creatures with softer-skinned envelopes. As for describing it, I just don't think words have been invented yet for it. And come to think of it, for any size. If a girl (aka babe, chick, woman) happens to be "skinny", that sounds negative. As does "overweight" or "homely". How are we supposed to praise our women? I like "curvy", but in writing a 1500-word fantasy, there is only so many times I can repeat the word "curvy". Or "slim" for that matter.

It's such a sticky issue, that if you could record the sound of my typing on the keyboard as I give birth to one of my (hopefully) crafted posts, you will find that the pauses actually coincide with incidences of words describing breasts, women and body types.

So I submit it to you, dear chicks and babes of the womanly readership, what do you prefer breasts to be called? Do you identify yourself exclusively as woman, or sometimes as a girl? And if you dare, how do you flatteringly refer to your body size? Is there any way that a man (or woman, if you're into them) can describe your body type in a way that will make you feel oh so sexy?

Flood the comments below!

What Wanting to Cheat Feels Like

2011-10-11T03:15:00.001-04:00

There is a girl I used to go to school with in college that I fantasized about. She was arguably the most attractive girl in our year, with blonde hair, brown eyes, a pretty face and a nice body. Actually it was more than a sexual fantasy because I liked her as a person and I would have loved to go out with her. However I was already with someone.

I was thinking about this girl this weekend, for one thing because I am wondering what happened to her. But also because she is the reason why I know what wanting to cheat truly feels like.

The relationship I was in during college wasn't a good one, the principal reason being that I didn't know who I was, what I was worth and what the heck I wanted. I thought I did, but I really didn't. It's only years later that I stopped trying to be what I thought was expected of me, and that I started to understand the importance I put on emotional connection and hot sex in a relationship. To say that that relationship wasn't that is an understatement, so I was rather conflicted internally. One part of me wanted to break up, but rationally I couldn't.

However this other girl at school meant more to me than just a physical attraction. I realized that during our second year. It happened one day when I overheard two guy-friends of hers talking. One of them said, "He just wanted to fuck her." Apparently she had been going out with an older guy two years ahead of us, and he had dumped her after he got what he wanted. I felt a twinge when I heard that. I was upset that he had taken advantage of her. I secretly wished I could have her and be good to her.

Then in our third year, during a party, she was sitting next to me and I was really enjoying it. She was laughing. She smelled good. I liked being around her and she looked like she enjoyed being around me. What she was wearing was also doing something to me. She had this cute skirt on with leggings and a tight top, all of which was shaping her curvy body really nicely. After a couple beers, I was really starting to enjoy her proximity… Toward the end of the party, there were only four of us left and I kept wondering what the heck I could do or say that would magically make it OK, despite my already having a girlfriend, for me to open up and show her I was interested.

However she was really really tired and had to leave before she couldn't drive herself home anymore. Disappointed, I stayed back with the other guys and went home a little later.

But her place was on my way. And I took a little detour.

What was I thinking? I don't know. I stopped the car in front of her apartment and sat there for what I think is about two minutes. I wasn't drunk by any stretch of the imagination, but I was so deep in thoughts at that point that it could have been longer. It was like being at the peak of Mount Everest, trying to decide which side of the mountain to fall down. It was a moment of devastating self-honesty mixed with unescapable lust. I had been unhappy in my current relationship for way too long. I had been secretly liking this girl for three years. It was very clear in my mind that I was hoping for a miracle to happen right then and there to take me out of my self-inflicted misery.

And right then, I was so horny for that girl, I just wanted to feel her body against mine. I wanted her mouth, her breasts, her legs… Even though being a nice and honorable guy had always been a priority for me, at that moment I really, truly wanted to cheat on my girlfriend. The consequences of such an act seemed distant. It felt like it really was worth taking the risk. It felt like the possibilities with this girl were alluring enough. It felt like it was easier to do this and force my current girlfriend to kick me out, than it was to confront her and tell her we were done.

But nothing happened.

I just couldn't do it. I'm not sure what weighed in the balance to make me drive away. Maybe it was that I couldn't betray the good image I had of myself. Maybe it was because this girl didn't come out and wave me in. Maybe it's a combination of both. Or something else.

If you want to know, I did eventually find the understanding within myself to properly break it up with my girlfriend, but sadly not before I had lost touch with that nice blonde from college.