FuckYab

10 things about 10 years sober

2022-07-12T22:59:00.004-04:00

It's July 12, 2022. And I realized I haven't said something here, on this blog that held my hand as I got sober, that I did it. I made it to ten years sober.

It's almost selfish of me to not share that here. In the safest space I ever created for myself. And I don't even have 10 years right now, I had it in March.

I just actually went to a zoom recovery meeting and shared my story. And that reminded me I have a blog with my story on it and what an addition these last few undocumented years have been. They somehow have been more technology induced which has almost made me gravitate less to writing online, well writing in general. When I first got sober I barely had a smart phone and now I have two laptops, a kindle, an ipad and an iphone- on top of heaps of other pieces of technology. I even work in tech now!

It was definitely easier then, to sit down and write at my computer versus now I have a miniature computer in my hand, or on my wrist, that I am constantly trying to get rid of and turn off. Moving to Colorado was also an opportunity to be less plugged in, yet somehow I now live in the tech hub that is Denver, CO.

A lot has happened to me in my life, let alone the last decade. I also somehow have my own small business?! I give my story now and I am trying to just get past the whole "what happened" in my drinking part, and more onto the "what happened after". I was talking about regret today and I really don't regret a whole lot of my life. Maybe that's because I now I feel like a lot of the time that reality is not even real and I am just creating a journey in front of me.

But I do remember what it was like to be hopeless. I remember what it was like to have nothing to the point I really had nothing to loose- but for me when that happened I chose to get sober. There was a freedom that I do sometimes crave in having nothing. Now I have built this life for myself where if I was to drink I would have so much to loose and throw so much away.

I kind of hate being a role model sometimes though and having people depend on me and wish I was just a little nothing no one depended on, but what I luxury that is right? Sometimes I just wish I was still a piece of shit so no one saw me as a good person because if I were to fuck up it would be big and it would disappoint a lot of people that I care about. You can think I am an asshole for saying that but it is a lot of pressure. Like my family brags about my sobriety a lot which is adorable but if I were to fuck up on this front... I literally don't even know. I'm not fucking perfect I just tend to tell the truth about pretty much everything- radical honesty- and I really don't have anything to hide. I still make a hell of a lot of mistakes, but now I learn from them.

But dude, these last few years have been fucking hard. Not even so much my life, but it's like just sitting n my front porch watching the world crumble and sometimes I want to join them. I don't want to cry alone about how sad things are always, I want to go out and cry into the street and set things ablaze. I have stayed sober through living alone in a pandemic, seeing friends drink or die, loosing friend completely unrelated to drinking, watching evil people get the most power possible, seeing families loose everything due to other people greed, watching people fight, feeling helpless as the world burns down. Fire is part of life though so I hope it's all just part of our rebirth, age of Aquarius process.

10 years ago I was living in my own personal hell while it seemed like everyone else was thriving. Now, I am literally living my best life, finally figuring things out and everyone/thing else seems a mess.

And I fucking hate when people tell me "your so lucky you got sober young". It wasn't like any this stuff was easier, or that my 20s weren't an insane time, I just had to handle it different to stay alive. I didn't have the luxury of having a drink because I couldn't. But I don't regret it, I do sometimes regret- or resent- having to be sober through a lot of my life. Because it's hard.

I have also had to rid my life of people who can't meet me here. At this point in my life drinking is just not something I do. I am able to handle the ups and downs without it. I work really hard at that. Getting sober has been sooo much more then getting rid of the substances. It's been allowing myself to be me. Creating a loving and trusting relationship with Gabriella, and figuring out who she is. Some how I got really lost and hopeless on the road of life at a really young age. I couldn't be with myself for more than a day. And I have spent years finding me again and now I get to just be the best version of myself. I no longer judge myself, or others, so harshly. But I know when to get out and move on. I really don't have the time, space or energy to entertain negativity or superficial bullshit. And unfortunately, as a result of that I have lost a lot of friends this past year alone.

That's been a really tough part of this- the losing part. There's only a handful of people who I started this journey of sobriety with that are still here. There have been people so close to my heart that have died or disappeared, and there have been people who I have not been that close with but their deaths have struck me. I think as a result of that, for a long time I clung to a lot of friendships in order to not loose people. I think now at this stage in my life, I understand it can be ok to let go of the things (or people) no matter how close, that don't serve me or care for me. And I have people that are worth clinging to, and I do. I have learned there are people that are worth keeping in touch with, and not everyone is good at keeping in touch and that's ok because they are there when it counts.

Health issues have also been a crazy aspect to enter my life in the past few years. And seeing the people who have showed up for me during those times has been really instrumental. Also at the end of the day, a decade is a long time! And people change. I certainly have changed, I hope to continue to change to become more and more of me. To do more and more of what makes me happy. I guess I just give less of a shit than I truly ever did. And I also have said I don't care what people think for a long but I really have been truly feeling that more and more these days.

Ok so here it is, the 10 things I learned getting sober:

1. The more you know, you know you don't know shit. Keep seeking. Stop saying "I know." And just be open to learn

2. Strive for progress not perfection. You do not need to be perfect to get things better or right, you just need to try. And if you fail, get the fuck up and try agin.

3. I wish you a long and slow recovery. You didn't fuck up your life in a day and it is going to take a little while to put it back together. Don't get discouraged, it is going to work out- if your willing to do the work, have patience and trust. Don't try to rush through it. There's no graduating from this. Keep a journal too and it will make it make more sense- it doesn't have to be public on the internet- and youll be able to see the changes.

4. Do not put anyone or anything before your recovery. Put yourself first in this case.

5. The world might not get better- the world might get shitter. But this will make it easier. And nothing is that bad even though it might feel like it. Your feelings cant kill you. Nothing is worth drinking over. Listen to music, love hard, live.

6. There is not anything you can not do. If you want to do it you can. Have this attitude, ask for help, lean on support, you can fucking do it- whatever it is, even if that is getting out of bed.

7. Things might not matter. There might not be a God, we might be in the matrix. But do good. What is the point of being an asshole if it doesn't matter. And you have the power to be good and create good.

8. Think about it from their perspective. Period.

9. Feel life. Be fucking happy, cry. Be sad. It's ok to fucking feel. You can be angry, you can sit in anger. But don't live in it. Do what you need to to let it go. If you need to listen to metal music and scream one day then do it but learn how to walkaway and take a pause. Turn on the radio.

10. Find Something to believe in. This isn't easy. I am not going to lie to you and say it is. You can choose misery, unhappiness, self pity, misery, fuck shit, or death- or life and love. One day you are gonna look at your life and either be like "wow." or like "wooooooow." This life is worth it, and you are fucking worth it.

And be nice. Help others.

I could go on but that's enough. I wish I had more wisdom for you. I remember picturing myself getting my ten years sober coin and sobbing and not believing I did it- but when it came down to it, it just came really fucking fast and I was like woah. So let me emphasize this- I am really fucking happy. I have created a really great life. I have a spiritual foundation that literally could not be broken right now and I love adding more aspects to it everyday. I don't feel like I am on the wrong path and I am supposed to be somewhere else. I love my cat and my partner so much. I love our life. I love my life. I can do whatever I want to do and create what I want to create. I have been feeling so shitty honestly that I haven't done enough in these ten years, but that is enough and more than enough. And people close to me are like, "are ya kidding?" I have already had two careers. That's more than I thought! So thank you blog once again for letting me work this out.

I am not some guru and I have another 10 years to work on now. I am just more me. I think sometimes as humans, at least this human, I make life really complicated and a whole part of this journey has just been enjoying the ride and not making things so hard. Even as I write that a sigh of relief escapes from my body. My 8th grade year book quote was "All I can be is me- whoever that is" by Bob Dylan. I really didn't realize how profound I was at that time. Maybe I have peaked. But I doubt it.

Goodbye 2021

2021-12-31T17:16:00.003-05:00

If you were to read one thing this year on the Internet, it truly would not have to be this blog post. As always, this absolutely is my musings from the past year and the insight that I feel I have gathered.

If you do not want to participate in that that is your choice and by all means goodbye. I get it. Especially if you don't want this to be the last thing you read in 2021. Not that it really matters, tomorrow is just another day, that will simply introduce us to 2022.

However, if you do choose to continue reading I will provide you with both the trivial and integral things that have happened to me this year and what I have learned. In fact, I am not going to provide you with only what I have learned from this year, but also what was taught to me in 2020.
(Aka the year that didn’t really happen, but actually did and had huge last impacts on every single one of us.)
All of us alive on this planet now have collective trauma! How fun! but I think living in itself really gives us a collective trauma. It is on the bright side.... in some sense, we got to experience something together.

Ok, I will now stop narrating and begin-

Ugh. Every-time I get back into this blog and start writing again I feel I owe either an explanation of why I haven’t been writing or an apology for my absence.
But instead of that I will just give you the facts: 2020 was absolutely insane, as described in the previous year old post.
At the same time, I think it taught myself quite a few valuable lessons. Now that I have had a year to reflect on these lessons I can retrospectively identify a few of the things I learned. So here is what I have learned from both 2020 and 2021.

1. You can't live in fear. Life can absolutely be scary and you can be scared but you can not live your entire life in fear. This is something recovery taught me, but 2020 quickly reminded me.

2. Value the people in your life. Don't hold grudges. Make time for family.

3. Go to the concert. If you are asked to go to a concert, on a date, to go on an epic vacation, do it. Because you never know when you will be stuck in your house indefinitely.

4. Take walks. Take whatever nature me time breaks you need in life. It is ok not to be ok, you can cry whenever you want and life can be cruel and unfair. But when you feel that way take action, go for a walk, take in beauty, let go and take back your sanity.

5. You can not control people, in any sense of the words. You can give good orderly directions, but if someone does not want to follow your directions or has an idea they think will work better the chances of being able to do anything about it, even at a government level is slim to none.

6. It takes a really long time to truly know someone and you should never think to yourself that you know someone absolutely. However, no matter what length of time it take.

7. Do not let money control your life. This is hard because money creates freedom to do more things. Some of us have to work so many hours to survive. But the pandemic showed us that money and life may or may not be real and it's another thing that attempts to control us.

8. Do what you're passionate about. You may still need to work to survive, but take the time to pursue your passions, at least on your own time. If you have the opportunity to make that your job- fucking do it.

9. Make the world better. There is so much shitty shit in this world. And if you search for it to be shitty, it can be even shitter. Negativity is a deep dark hole and sucks the meaning of life away. Give your life meaning, you can make it whatever you want. You only have one life, as far as we know, so make it a positive one.

10. And finally, nothing really matter! This doesn't have to be discouraging, it can be encouraging! Life may be a simulation but that means you don't have to stick to the status quo. You can do whatever you want, but be a good person in whatever you do.

Those are certainly not all of the things I have learned, and a lot of these are reminder, but that is all I have for now. But I think I will be writing more this year because I will be making sure to remember lesson 8😊.

Do Not Live in Fear

2021-02-06T03:49:00.001-05:00

So this past year was really fucking weird and am I gonna blame not writing on my blog in such a long time on a global pandemic that should have allowed me more time to dedicate to this? Yes, yes I am.

Truth is I have certainly had time but the creativity has been a lot harder during these weird times. And the stress... WOW. It's been a lot of ups and downs. I know it has for all of us. People have had to deal with things they never have had to before or never even thought they would have to.

The last time I blogged was in June, when we were in the middle of the first wave of the pandemic, thinking things would be over soon, then riots broke out. After that we realized A.) this country was not done with the pandemic and B.) this country's was more racist then many of us ever thought.

Just to catch you up incase you were living under a rock- after that the pandemic spiked and we all were either panicking or ignoring state orders and partying, then trump got voted out but said he won the election, then he indirectly told a mob to attack the capitol- in DC, yes- they did and police basically let them, finally Biden was inaugurated, Trump is now facing legal battles but don't really know where he's at, we have a vaccine but it's hard to get, were in 2021- a lot of people thought that this meant things would go back to normal... things did not. So we are now just in the days of days.

There honestly is no such thing as a new normal, things are just still weird. I don't like getting very close to people in public, but I guess that is normal... People where masks and to me that's still not normal.

It's been confusing and there have been a lot of moments I have been quite literally dumbfounded saying "what the fuck". Usually around 1-3am I have a cigarette and I still think on ok, this is all still happening... remember to breath.

The truth is this has all been a very short amount of time with a lot of crazy things that have happened. Astrologically there is a lot going on, this might have been the year that the Mayans were actually referring to when they said shit would hit the fan, it's just been a lot, for sure. We have had to examine aspects of our lives that otherwise seemed mundane or routine and see where we have taken things for granted.

This is what it has been like on a global scale. Let's look at a more personal scale.

Since we last spoke I turned 30 and got through another new year- which is always a time of reflection for me, got my fucking dream job and I'm killing it because I am so happy with work, still in that relationship I was last year and love my partner so much, and I made it through the holidays with my family smoothly. I guess you could say I'm really becoming an adult?............even though I look like I'm 12 and act like it a lot too.

Which, to be honest, is why this blog has gotten on the back burner in my life a lot. I still write a lot but my outlets have changed. I really want to start a new project or a podcast but I have been dragging my feet on this. Speaking of...

New Years Resolutions:

1. take better care of my car.

2. put my projects into action and off of the back burner.

3. be the best employee I possibly can.

If you were reading through this blog front to back the change you would see from the writing to the person I am today has changed so much. I went from someone who was so utterly hopeless to someone who is just brimming with gratitude. Even on my worst days now I still look around and am so happy with my life. I wish I could back to when I was 20 and tell that girl it rally was all going to be ok. Although, I wouldn't have believed even myself.

keep your head up little one

Turning 30 really made me think about what my life has become and all the things I have learned. Definitely one of those biggest things is, "it's not easy". Having your dreams come true isn't easy and I'm honestly sorry for the people that it is easy for. Life was made to experience suffering. In the wise words of my mother, "It's not how you fall down, it's how you get back up." And I think we have all had to deal with this reality in 2020-2021. This year has been truly crazy and it has given the word perspective a new sense of perspective. We have lost people from our lives in different ways from the normality that they remained there to some a completely emptied space.

We have realized the things we can and can not live without and how truly important toilet paper is to this nation. People have lost their jobs and others have gained new jobs. complete industries, that no one ever imagined would fail, have floundered. There has been a sense of the entire nation, maybe planet, just trying to keep it's head above water.

But again, personally I have realized time is fleeting. I remember when I was a kid and I couldn't wait to drive a car and have a license. It felt like I would never get there, now I have been driving for longer than it took to get my license. I remember entering high school and thinking it was going to take forever to get out of there, flash forward and I'm at college. I feel like sometimes I am just really blinking my life away. This has however given me a lot more opportunity to live in the now. To seize the day but at the same time not fear the future as much.

A lot of fear has surrounded me with the pandemic however. I am nervous of getting sick, getting others sick, getting my family sick....... But after worrying myself so much I do know realize I can not let this fear consume me. This is a lesson I have learned before, and a tricky little one that squeezed in there again. All we can do is the next right thing.

I have not stopped writing during all of this time. I did write something when I turned 30 that I am proud of that I will share soon. Around when you turn 30 you do experience your Saturn Return:

The Saturn returns is when the plant Saturn comes back to meet your natal Saturn. It takes about 29.5 years for Saturn to return to where it was when you were born. The Saturn return hits in the late 20s and its impact is felt into the early 30s. It's when you find your purpose and can be a really transformative time which can be really difficult.

Some parts of life suck but I am going to tell you this and it is relevant to whoever, wherever: This is the only moment you need to worry about. Not yesterday or tomorrow. Just right now. You're not late for anything. You aren't going to miss anything,. You are exactly where you are suppose to be and you are exactly who you are supposed to be. You absolutely perfect and enough and whatever happen today is supposed to happen because you can handle it, grow from it and learn from it. Strive for progress not perfection. Decide right now not to live in fear and to live life.

Tensions are HIGH.

2020-06-17T02:20:00.000-04:00

Shit is weird.

Like really weird. It feels weirder by the day.

Ok so it's been only two months since I was last here. However, it feels like a lifetime ago. If you are reading this in a year other than 2020- let me tell ya, this year was a wilder roller coaster than most of my life. I hope things have gotten better. I literally say. "God speed." Instead of, "Good bye."

April felt like a year, May felt like a week, June feels like it's already over and it's not.

One thing that has been extremely difficult for me has been that I haven't been able to go to in person recovery meetings and virtual meetings are not something I ever foresaw. For me getting my ass into a meeting and seeing humans is really important and when I got sober it was almost a guarantee that they would always be there for me. No matter how shitty things got in life or the world AA would always be there for me, until now. Virtual meetings don't give me all of the aspects that an in person meeting does. I know a lot of people are dealing with not being able to do a lot of different things right now, but not having my recovery in full operating order is quite different than needing a haircut...

For me going to meetings isn't about staying sober anymore, it's about keeping my fucking shit together and knowing how to live life. If I never had come into contact with AA, I for sure would be somewhere else, and it wouldn't be a good place. Luckily I have 8 years of developed recovery however I still am not very good at navigating life on my own. So I have had to reach out to a lot of people and make sure everyone else I care about is ok.

But my mood and life has been all over the place. I've been unemployed for about almost three months and the lack of structure is very hard for me. It's also hard because a lot of my days are spent searching for jobs so if I do get a new job my routine will shift yet again and I am not sure how.

Everything is just in the air and I feel like I'm trying to hold on so tightly to anything to just stay grounded.

I am also in the moving process which is scary to me because my space that I have become so comfortable with in this time of chaos is going to change. I have really security issues and not knowing where my home is going to be or what it is going to look like scares me.

I am so confused with life this week. Last week I was fine, maybe tomorrow I will be ok but right now I am really like:

Monday's are probably the hardest because I wake up with fear to have to deal with a whole week. I stay up way to late. I am having a really hard time relaxing.

I know, I have to know, that everything is going to be ok. Honestly, if I let go a little bit more the universe will be able to guide me. I know I have to rely on faith and know that I am loved and protected no matter what happens. I AM JUST LIKE REALLY STRESSED OUT.

And sometimes I explode. I go crazy, my emotions get out of control. 24/7 I am trying to make the right choice and sometimes I just don't. I am glad I can usually recognize where I went wrong and work on it.

Onwards and upwards. We must make progress or we are stagnant.

The tension in the world I just feel is so high. Riots, rebellions, revolutions. I am trying to educate myself more every day and help others to understand my perspective. I feel so much hatred even like when I'm driving in the car. I am trying to make a more conscious effort to add more hate in the world right now. Fear creates hate. Not being afraid right now is hard.

I don't know the answer. I don't even know what to right. I feel my platform is a place people come for hope. I am not going to sit here and tell you what to do. I just want to tell you it's ok, and it's ok to not be ok. Especially right now.

I do want to say this though: you get more bees with honey. If you are trying to teach someone about what it is you think and feel you need to do just that, teach. Speaking out of anger is rarely effective. I know it feels like you may just want to yell and scream and tell people how fucked up their views are, but you can no reach people that way. Honestly, our world is in such division. We are not seeing each other as humans. We are seeing right and wrong and we need to remember we are all fucking humans. We need to speak to one another as such.

I think the whole culture of encouraging "Karen" behavior, by first of all entertaining it and giving it a name is not great. No one should speak at someone else.

I digress. You just need to do you're best. You need to put your best foot forward. Be kind, be compassionate. Try to live with passion even when it's hard. And don't forget, the right thing is not usually the easy choice.

Educate yourself and educate others. Conversation is powerful and empowering.

When you're uncomfortable you are growing, so world, we are growing.

Corona Diaries: Baking and getting laid off.

2020-04-10T16:52:00.000-04:00

My life has changed so much in the past month, along with the rest of the world.

I am currently in the craziest times anyone in my lifetime has experienced- at least in quite a while...
I remember learning about the bubonic plague as a kid and going to a museum and seeing the plague doctor's outfit. I remember it thoroughly freaking me out and learning ring around the rosie was actually really dark...
This wasn't something that haunted me though because it felt very medieval, like the torture chambers they used back then, not like something I would ever encounter.

Yet here I am, unsuspectingly living through a plague.

I am actually surprised it has taken me this long to sit down and write since for the past month I have been mostly confided to the small space of my studio apartment and my boyfriends 1 floor apartment. This whole experience has been a whirlwind. I mean things are constantly changing, from being able to eat out, to days later not being able to go anywhere and the grocery stores randomly running out of toilet paper. Wtf...

I have been on a wilder rollercoaster ride then usual these days, maybe in another amusement park all together. I am constantly trying to stay in a state of gratitude. I have made a gratitude jar, blessing jar and banishings jar that we contribute to daily. But sometimes no matter how much you bless or banish things from your life metaphorically, you still break down.

I go from happy to five minutes later wanting to rip my skin off because I feel so confined. Apart of me wants to flee but there is literally no where to go as our whole world is being effected by this. It does feel a bit apocalyptic, but in a way where something is ending and something else beginning. When I sit outside I feel like I am in Pleasantville sometimes and it freaks me out.

I like having this time to get stuff done in my space. I have been able to finish projects I didn't think would get done and bake a lot more. I really have a lot of introverted ways so this time for me is not the most difficult, but then some days I feel very useless and restricted. I'm a virgo and I stress clean. I bake a lot, like a lot. I've had to cancel multiple vacations and my family is all very far away.

Plus, I already have completely unrelated health issues that I need to go talk to the doctor about pretty urgently. This stress of this time that has manifested through my body has made my condition worse. I throw up sometimes 3 times a day because I can't fully swallow my food and sometimes I get unrelated to food spasms in my esophagus that legitimately feel like heat attacks. I had a spasm the other day and became hysterical because I have no idea when I will be able to see my doctor again. And like an hour before that I was happy and fine. It's like everything is fine and normal until you remember it isn't....

I have been watching my friends lose their jobs left and right, and staying very thankful for the position I have been in. The first of my friends to lose their jobs were the service industry, which is the industry my company deals with. I have felt like a FEMA worker for restaurants, trying to reassure them everything will be ok. Well today, others had to give me that reassurance because my company was the one that got hit with lay offs. I know this is unavoidable but I'm honestly just really sad. I worked my ass off all last year to find a job I liked and I wound up with one I really loved. Also being able to have working days during this shelter in place has kept me very sane.

I still stay in gratitude. I know that no matter what happens I will be taken care of. I have my higher power and faith, family and my support system. It just kinda sucks. Also everyone, I mean everyone, I work with was blind sided. So it was a tough, weird, emotional day. I understand though, the state of the restaurant industry and our economy is horrible. I am glad I am not alone but I wish we didn't all have to suffer through this.

Someone also remind me that the work I did last year was not in vain. My goal in switching industries was to try and find something I enjoyed and I did do that. I figured out my niche and once businesses is back to usual I have no doubt I will thrive.

The thing that is truly the hardest for me right now is whenever my life or the world has gotten shitty in the past 8 years I have always been able to get myself up, take a shower, get dressed and go to a meeting. Or maybe run to a meeting crying covered in hardship. But never did I foresee not being able to go physically sit in an AA meeting. That wasn't part of the fucking deal. We have established online meetings and they are helpful but I am just struggling not having the one thing I was always promised. So I must compromise and try and make it work.

Right before all of this happened I was kinda walking around constantly checking over my shoulder because things were so good in my life I knew it wouldn't stay that way forever. You have to appreciate the good days because you never know when things will change. Even in quarantine, with a roof over our head, good food to cook, company and my cat I still have much to be grateful for and good days to have. In the words of my Pop-pop, "No one ever said this was gonna be easy". Life is very unpredictable and you just have to learn how to deal.

I turn to my higher power, my practice of craft and to live in light. Those who don't have a faith I believe haven't lived with hardship for very long. You can say I am leaning on my faith, but I choose to believe. We have to choose positivity during this time or you will, well, lose your fucking mind.

I have had a lot of time to devel into the arts again. Watching films, crafting, listening to more music, baking, reading. In the normal day to day 9-5 life it's sometimes hard to make time for these things. If there is anything I will learn from quarantine its to make more time for the things I love. I want to live with as much passion as Dermott Kennedy.

I am sure for others this experience is incredibly different. People are having a better or a harder time and everything in between. I can only speak to my experience right now. No matter how you're doing you're not alone. Although we are pretty isolated right now we still have so much technology that keeps us connected so call me if you need a laugh or a photo of chewy. And go pursue your hobby! Make the most of this time, I guarantee you we will never have an opportunity again like this to turn inward and find more truths about ourselves. Time is more valuable than anything else we have so make the most of it, and get outside if you need to.

After writing all this I really have realized how much my life has changed. If it was even just a couple of years ago I would not have this attitude. I would be freaking the fuck out, saying Fuck it daily, and most likely picking up a drink. Right now I do have a strong urge to say fuck it and want to drink. However, I have worked really hard on finding a center of balance and becoming a ray of fucking sunshine. Not to mention I have seen worse days than this. This too shall fucking pass. My personal mantra for half of my life has literally been, "this will all be over before you know it." Good or bad life moves fast and like I mean how am I almost 30? 1999 feels like yesterday. Soon we will be romanticizing the quarantine days and thinking ugh I wish I was still stuck in quarantine. I am not trying to down play how shitty things are- I literally lost my job yesterday. But this too shall pass so buckle up and just ride the fucking wave. Things could always be worse. We will all be ok, even if we are not.

Holy Shit, Hello 2020.

2020-02-22T04:15:00.001-05:00

Holy Shit.

I haven't updated this since September?! Jesus h christ.

I think it's so hard for me to stay on top of my writing and this blog the past few years because they've been blowing by.
Like the statement alone: "these past few years... have been blowing by" Like ...

I remember when I was younger and wishing so hard I could drive a car with my license. It felt like a few years was a lifetime. The few short years I was in college and was underage felt like FOREVER. I think when you've lived so little life seems short.
The days go by quicker than ever before and life comes at me FAST.

Which is good and bad. It's good because the bad doesn't last so long. It's bad because life's beautiful moments slip between my fingers so quickly! I want to hold on to them tighter and tighter.
You have to appreciate the good days, you really do and value the time you have with family and friends.
Please people remember this.

I love writing this time of year because it's a NEW CHAPTER of life.
uhh speaking of...

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know some of you may have heard.... (probably because I told you) I am working on a new more adult, and PG, blog. I had planned on debuting it by now but the truth is I am really scared. I can't think of my life without this blog. I don't think I would be closing the door, I think I would be turning the page. Which is why the blog is titled: "Yab's Next Chapter" because it is.
But think it's so scary for me to physically turn that page...
So scary in fact that I started writing this blog at the beginning of January and I am now finishing it at the end of February...
But the fact is I am not ready to debut "Yab's Next Chapter". I will keep you updated.

Right now I need to fill you in on the past... well year... and the current... well New Year.

It's now 2020. So with that being said I will need to review and reflect on 2019....

I feel like there were a lot of memes and a lot of people saying 2019 sucked. Not to play into this negativity but
2019 sucked ass.

I'm just going to say it ok, I hated 2019. I was 7 years sober for most of the year but that literally means nothing sometimes. I am just a 28/29 year old trying to piece together what life is.
I felt like this year I actually had to figure my shit out. I had quit my job in nonprofits at the end of 2018 and I truly did not know where the fuck I was going. I spent days on end applying to jobs and getting literally no where.

Real talk, I also came really fucking close to drinking again and smoking pot. Someone asked me the other day "Does sobriety get easier?" Sometimes the answer for me is truly no. It does not go away. I am not cured from wanting to drink and use drugs.
The fact of the matter is I have created a new life for myself- wait- I have created A LIFE for myself. But as the alcoholic I am sometimes want to flush that shit down the drain.

This happens because:
1. I forget what I have to do
2. I forget how far I have come
3. I stopped doing the things I have to do to stay healthy
it's mostly those 3 things combined.

I was so miserable this past year. I kept thinking, "if I just get...I will be happy". I thought getting the man I love to be with me would make me happy- we were finally in love and it did not cure me. I thought quitting my job would make me happy. I thought it was Colorado that was making me miserable. I thought if I got my dream job I would finally be happy- and then I didn't get offered the position, twice. All of the things I didn't want to happen happened. I had to move out of my perfect apartment because it got to expensive. I was working weeks in a row with no days off and about four jobs- seriously, this is not an exaggeration. I got fucking fired from a dumb part-time job that I hated but it still made me feel like a fucking loser.
And that was my rock bottom.

After that happened I fully gave up trying to force everything to work out. I was praying to God in the exact way I knew I was not supposed to, "God help me get this job and I know everything will be better." blah, blah, blah. Finally, I let the universe guide me again.

You shouldn't ask for things. I learned this at a young age. You should work for things, yes. You should definitely be grateful for the things you have. You should utilize the gifts you are given. But it is plainly rude to ask for things that are not yours.

I started to relax and work harder on my spirituality and staying healthy and things fucking fell into place. I started helping other people again instead of crying about my privileged problems.
After two years of applying to jobs, I got offered basically three jobs in one week.

Then I had to pick one. I was terrified I made the wrong choice.

2020 so far has showed me that none of my choices are wrong and I am exactly where I need to be. I am in a job I love.
Working shitty jobs really shows you when you have it good. I also finally quit a job that made me feel horrible about who I was as a person even though I worked my ass off. I learned in the past two months of 2020 that hard work and strong work ethic is extremely important but I would also rather be a little bit broke rather than be treated like garbage or "the help". I have seen first hand that money doesn't buy happiness and I want to be happy.

Right now I have more responsibility than I ever have. I have my apartment, my cat, my relationship, my sobriety, a job I really car about, career and personal goals. For one of the first times I am not afraid of that responsibility. It is a driving force for me to be the best version of myself.

With that being said, life is still a constant freak out... (just a little less so)
it's that roller coast of life...

I AM FUCKING TURNING 30 THIS FUCKING YEAR. I come to acceptance with this and look at my personal growth and the fact that I am finally becoming an "adult" and then I also like want to cry because my care free days are coming to an end.
Why the fuck did our parents let us play "house" as kids? I manifested this shit for myself and I want to go back to the fucking playground.

It is weird to me too because my mom had me when she was 30. And now I am as old as when I first met my mom. She always seemed so much older and "adult". You look at your parents and you just see them as anomalies, all knowing, having the answer to everything, super human. But it makes me realize how human she is.
I'm also sitting here watching Beverly Hills 90210, which literally came out when my mom was 30, 30 years ago and it's like I'm having this nostalgic moment for her, wondering where she was in this life then.

I digress-
I should say too I have been really scared of writing. I don't know why. I don't know if I am avoiding my feelings, not wanting to look at them, or just doing other less important things. Lately I have been watching so much tv and evading my reality. I am deep in reality TV right now but the truth is I need to confront my reality.

back to that ultimate goal I always revert to:
Finding balance. Right now I am fairly balanced but I need to tip the scale a little bit more to follow my passions and continue to nurture my happiness.

I know I always promise that I will stay more up to date on my writing for you all, not that anyone cares lol, it's a promise to myself.
Well I am not going to promise it, I am just going to do it.

Thanks for reading and letting me share.

I Sure Could Use A Drink

2019-09-24T11:35:00.000-04:00

I have 110 drafts in my blogger. 110 things I have started and not finished. I don't think this blog will ever be finished and I have a vision for evolving it one day but I also have 110 pieces to finish writing. But today I am starting from scratch.

My last blog post was started in January and tweaked here and there in the beginning of the summer but a lot has happened in the in betweens of all that.

Like I had mentioned previously, probably the biggest thing I have been dealing with is the job search. This has been so difficult for me because I have completely switched lanes but I really have no idea where I am going and trying to drive somewhere without an end destination is unsurprisingly difficult.

Previously, in the nonprofits I was working in, I was overworked and underpaid. The overworked part I can deal with but the combination of the two over the course of a few years left me completely burnt out. I have developed a strong skill set over the years but as I am trying to do something completely different, starting from the bottom, I feel like I have no skills at all and am completely behind in the game of life.

I realize that career switches happen at way later points in life then where I am at. Keeping perspective, that I am still very young, is well really difficult. I constantly am left feeling defeated and like I am way behind everyone I am competing with. Also my whole life I have been very difficult.

I am a difficult person. I make things harder for myself and the people that surround me constantly. It's not like I do it on purpose but because of my wonderful stubborn nature (thanks mom and dad) I find it difficult to not be difficult. And because of this I find it harder to, "fake it til you make it". I have a very revealing face and am perhaps too authentic.

This whole job search, the constant call in for interviews, second interviews, homework assignments for interviews, just to get nowhere is really hard to not leaving me feel rejected in life. I guess I have lost a spark for positive thinking recently because I am constantly being told no.

HOWEVER, I did recently land a real sort of job. It is a temporary position so it has me feeling uneasy because I may not have a job in a few months but it definitely is the break I have been waiting for in a lot of ways. Again..... Keeping that positive outlook is just realllllly difficult right now.

Just the whole process has made me really question my life. Like oh I don't know... "What the fuck am I doing?" "Why don't I have a career?" "Where is my life headed?" "Will I ever become an adult?"

But honestly, I am living my goddamn life. Life is never easy. You can be 20 years sober and get breast cancer. You can have a high paying job and so much stress you don't get to enjoy anything. You could be poor on the streets but happy as a clam.

Life is what you get handed and what you make of it and that is really what I need to keep in perspective these days. I work multiple jobs and haven't had a lot of weekends off this summer. I am having a really hard time figuring out how to save money. I am handed with things that I have to accept about my life and not necessarily be complaisant but figure out what to do from there.

I can't keep crying and complaining and being negative because I am frustrated with one aspect of my life. I need to take action to create pos·i·tiv·i·ty. "Faith without works is dead"

It really is a shame I haven't been writing over the past couple of months because this blog wasn't started with the intention of getting viewers but to help ME figure things out.

Another thing that has been really really really hard for me lately is my health. Pretty much it's gotten to the point that I regurgitate something that I eat at least once a day. And if I don't vomit up the food that I can't get down into my stomach I choke on it until my esophagus muscles decide to open up and let the food down. AND no one REALLLLY knows what the fuck is going on, and now I am waiting on my health insurance from a new job to kick in so I can't really go back to the doctor until then.
I had a colonoscopy, endoscopy and multiple doctors visits that all came back inconclusive. I finally found a holistic doctor that gave me really answers but now I have to wait til I have health insurance to go back. So ya know that's been frustrating. But if you see me running to the trash can to throw up food I just ate, don't worry this is normal for me right now.

Another thing I should really be honest that has been going on with me this last year has to do with my recovery...

As I reached 7 years sober in March, things had become harder. I went through a serious mental battle about turning back to alcohol and how I may not really be an alcoholic or addict.

I think when you get sober you just think it will all get easier. The longer you stay sober the further you get from a drink and the easier it must become...

WRONG. Being an alcoholic alcohol and drugs never become unappealing. At least to me. The closer and more involved I stay in a program of recovery they seem like less of a good idea and the more tools I have to avoid them and the creeping thoughts they ensue. But staying close to a program of recovery the longer you stay sober is fucking hard.

When you get sober you usually do rehab which is like 3-12 months of intense therapy on why not to drink, then you do AA daily- if not more, you make a ton of friends in recovery and the easier it is to stay sober.

But well I got really busy with life and stopped going to as many meetings. I also got sober young and a lot of my friends I got sober with went back out, some of them died. Which honestly pushed me away from the program even further. Then I started hanging out with people who don't have drug and alcohol problems. And now there's weed practically everywhere you turn....

I will say, NO I have not drank or drugged still to this day. But its been really fucking hard. And I think a lot of people in my life expect me to be "cured of all this" now.

There is no cure for the disease I have. There are steps I can take to make them better and I have to rely on my High Power, other recovering alcoholics and myself to stay sober. That's all I can do. But remembering to do the next right thing is sometimes hard.

Which I guess is true of more than AA. I have to do the next right thing to stay sober, positive, moving forward and keeping myself trudging along. Because like I said things aren't going to be perfect and I can't be either. But I know that I enjoy being a positive influence on others and maybe I can start being a positive influence for myself.

Part 2-019 *here and now ....long over due.

2019-09-03T14:03:00.001-04:00

So I got a little distracted...

It's safe to say I've been a little distracted the whole past 6 months. However, most of this post I did write the next day after my previous post. Alas here we are and here we go. I’m NOT MAKING ANY BROKEN PROMISES. I’LL TRY TO DO BETTER OK.

January 2019:

My resolution for 2019 is to be a fucking badass boss.

I'm not kidding folks THIS IS MY YEAR! (foreshadowing unbeknownst to myself: This has not been my year in the least bit)

I know we all tell ourselves this every year. This isn't a new sentiment...
However, usually when I enter a new year I feel very cautious. The unknown is something I am very terrified of, right along with it's good friend change. I usually try to be cautiously optimistic but I guess more so, I'm usually a little scared of the New Year. It's easier to dwell on the past than it is to predict the future. The past is concrete and I've already suffered through it and I can easily romanticize it and forget the bad. Where as the future is so abstract it's scary and so unknown.

I don't know why, I really don't, but I have a really positive intuitive feeling about this year. I just feel like it's going to be a good year for Yab. Maybe my late 20s will just suit me well.
Maybe I am totally wrong and everything will explode. But right now, I have a good feeling that 2019 is truly my time to shine. I have all the tools and I am ready to use the,.

2018 was in a word... emotional.

I mean what year in the past six wasn't..... but this more so than others. Let's see...

I would say...

2012 was lost

2013 was new

2014 was found

2015 was insanity

2016 was adventure

2017 was calm

and 2018 was Captial E motional.

Emotional in the sense that I finally got in touch with my emotions. I probably cried as much this year as I did when I got sober in 2012. There must have been something going on with my planets alignments, I should probably consult an astrologist.

Ok so YES. Probably one of the biggest things that happened to me this year...was... that I was actually in my first long term fully functioning legitimate romantic relationship.
It's been hard to write about because, as my avid readers know, I usually spill all the beans about a relationship when shit hits the fan.
Well this one is still going strong so I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Would it really be yab update without juicy relationship reveal?

My boyfriend and I went to college in the same town. We were party friends, he had a house that was always a good time to go to and if I’m being honest yes, I always had a crush on him because he is one of the most gorgeous creatures I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Fast forward to years later when I move to Denver...
One of the main reasons I moved to Colorado was because so many of my friends from college moved here, so I figured I’d love it to! When I got here I instantly had a group of friends to hang with which was amaze balls. So my first Halloween here, I went to party at a college friends house.... dressed as a drag queen...

And ran into my now boyfriend. Drag queen and all. We basically started hanging out all the time from then on. We started off as friends, best friends, finally something more and here we are now!

So there ya go. There’s your Yab dish without saying too much to get me in trouble.

This relationship has made my past year emotional, to say the very least. I have had all these new feelings inside of me that I have never allowed myself to access before.

My whole life I have thrived on being an independent woman and now all of the sudden I was giving so much of myself to another human being. Something I had avoided doing for years. I finally was allowing myself to be vulnerable and completely raw to another person in a different way than before.

I definitely consider myself bat shit crazy, and although I revealed in my last post that my dr. gave me this strange diagnosis of being "normal" my extensive medical degree allows me to give myself the label of "crazy". And for a long time I think I avoided relationships because I didn't want someone to get to close to me and realize the extent of my pure insanity then run for the hills, or just have to suffer through being with me.

My immediate family knows I'm bat shit crazy- just ask my brothers for a full low down.
My friends know I'm a little wild but I don't think they understand the full extent to which my insanity can actually exceed.
And now, I've been in this relationship with a person that has fully experienced psycho Yab. And for some strange reason he's still here. He is the most patient and kind man I know. Like tbh if I was him, I would have run a long time ago.
I’ve legitimately even tried to tell him to just run for the hills.

At this point after reading this, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Gab stop! You’re a strong confident beautiful woman. You are not #crazy.”

And I guess that’s something I’ve had to come to terms with this year. I’m not really that crazy. I’m a tolerable lovable person capable of caring about someone and willing to let someone care for me.
K
I know you’re sort of supposed to love yourself before going out there and trying to find someone
else. Over the past couple of years I really have cultivated a relationship with myself that certainly is stronger than ever before. But I think being in a relationship showed me that there really are some deep set insecurities I still hadn’t [and maybe haven't] come to grips with myself. And I don’t think they are things I could have really come to terms with on my own.

I am not in any way shape or form saying that having a boyfriend made me a whole human. I’m saying this new aspect of my life taught me I had to love myself more in order to functionally be with another person. Because being with someone is never going to make you Whole. You make up you. My boyfriend and I do so well, I believe, because we compliment each other very well. We help each other out as much as we can but I think we both know that you need to be able to depend on yourself and not be codependent on someone else.

I think I always thought that was what was going to happen though. I was going to meet someone and they were going to be my knight in shining armor and sweep me off my feet like some damsel in distress from some romantic comedy Disney movie. Honestly, it sucks that we perpetuate this idea to women because it’s so not realistic. And seriously gab? You’re a strong confident woman. You think you want a man to tell you any form of what or how to do anything ? No. I’m not saying my amazing boyfriend isn’t my prince, because he is- just a more modern and realistic version of it.

I’d be lying if I said I’d be fine without him. I definitely don’t know what I’d do without him in my life. But that doesn’t mean I’m not a capable woman who does things on her own.

2018 has been yet another year learning about balance.

Also this is not the only thing that happened to me this year......

I learned, yet again, life is short and you can get through anything. I was, what felt like, trapped in a job I hated. Before the year ended I finally got the hell out of dodge. But it gave me a lot of life skills and made me realize all of the things I didn’t want.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned from this year is I can thrive in being happy versus looking for chaos. I’ve had trouble being content. This I would say is very different from coasting. It’s being happy with what you got and not trying to stir the damn pot.

June 2019:

Ok, so, I guess I should start with why this has taken me so long. Have you ever delayed something to the point that you begin to build it up in your mind as something so daunting you just can't bring yourself to do it? That's how I've felt about this blog.... And honestly a lot of my life.

We are 5 months into this year and it's not really going as planned. I'm going to be 29 in August and quite frankly a lot of things haven't really gone as planned. This has been a reoccurring theme for the past couple of years, things not going the way I thought they would be at this point in my life. Like when I got sober and then all my friends graduated from college and I didn’t have a degree. My friends having babies and me not even being close to ever getting married....Etc.
And it's like I'll come to the conclusion that life doesn't go according to plan and then have to relearn that lesson over and over again in different areas of my life.

It's exhausting and annoying. I can't tell you how many times I have had to learn that life just happens and you just have to learn how to deal.
Which is hil-ar-ious because one of my favorite movies is the Mandy Moore one "How to Deal" fuckme.

So yeah, this year's been stressful so far. Definitely my initial thoughts of being a bad bitch have been put to the way side by panic attacks and crying uncontrollably about how my life feels like it's going down the drain. And honestly, not writing about it has been detrimental to my mental health. Writing is not only cathartic for me but it helps me fucking breathe again.

As I finally get these words on the page I feel as if I can feel a little less weight out of my head and off of my shoulders.

I think in your early 20s you kind of freak out because college does not, and really can not, prepare you for the real world. But then you freak out again in your late 20s (well at least as a millennial) because life isn't the way they told us it would be. Half of us aren't married and aren’t going to get married, or have the career we thought we would, we can't buy a house and we're wondering why the fuck we're barely getting by. Not to mention the insane amount of debt that we have had to endure.

I am not the only one of my friends dealing with any or all of these issues and it sucks. It sucks that millennial's are constantly being called out for bullshit when a lot of us are working multiple jobs to support half the lifestyle we were promised at this age. We are also looking at where we, as a generation, want to make changes and are trying to do that.

It does give me solace that a lot of us are in this together. Yes, there are a bunch of people who are living large, striking it big in tech, getting married, doing all the things. But a lot of us are commiserating together wondering where we went wrong and what we have to do to fix it.

The job hunt in Denver for me has been fucking ruthless. Of course it's mostly because I apparently live in the most desirable place in the US because everyone and their cousin wants to move here, which honestly isn't what I thought I was getting into and I'm kind of over it.

Yeah, I'm a little done with Denver. I don't think I'll leave anytime soon (well at least a year because I just signed a lease) but this is not where I will be settling indefinitely. Which I guess I always anticipated. I'm not ready or wanting to plant root yet .

I want to switch gears though. Literally right now in the blog and figuratively in life. I have been on this downward spiral of negative energy being pulled down by the bad vibes at the negative environment I work in*...

* I had this really good idea to quit working with kids because I thought it was too stressful and get into the restaurant industry which i thought would be less stress..*

...and simultaneously bringing everyone down with me who will listen
and it needs to end now.

My goal for the second half of this year and to protrude positive energy, in the work that I do, the way that I live my life, and in the people I talk about and too.

Life gets shitty. But it gets way shitter when you label your life as shitty.

My life is good today. I still have that wonderful boyfriend I was telling you about. I have a gorgeous cat who is my whole world. I have a great apartment. I have food and a job. I am lucky to read, write, pursue any career I want and all of the hobbies I desire. I live in a beautiful amazing place.

I choose today to make the rest of this year happy. I choose to be the example of a sober woman of grace and carry a message of hope.

Thank you for continuing my journey with me and helping me to be a better person.

And now it's September... So the entire summer has pasted before me and I have but 4 months left of the supposed year of the Yab so ... stay tuned.

Goodbye 2018 and hello 2019. Part 1 of 2. *A sobering goodbye.

2019-01-23T20:42:00.001-05:00

Maybe my resolution this year should be uh... TO WRITE MORE....ya think?

Jesus H Christ.

The less you do something the harder it is to do it. That's definitely been proven true.

I started writing this blog right before I got sober, then I just kind of got sober on this blog. I didn't intend for that to happen, it just sort of did. And this blog has seen a lot of shit.

When you first get sober everything is a whirl wind, you're feeling feelings you never let yourself feel, you're meeting people and making connections that are different than any sort of relationship you had before, your learning who you are and who you want to be.

But it gets to a certain point where it just becomes maintenance. Things aren't shiny and new anymore, they're not crazy and hectic, and it gets easy to coast.

Let me tell you, I do not do well in coast mode.

I remember as a kid in school and I would legit get yelled at for coasting. My parents wanted more for me, not for me to just skate through life. To not pay attention to my surroundings and take nothing in.

Now, I want more for myself.

Coasting is being complaisant. It's not exceeding. And 99% of the time I need a good swift kick in the balls to come out of coasting. This has been the pattern of my life and my sobriety.

From the outside my life looks good. And you know what? It is. But we all deal with our own demons.

For the past two months I have really been debating my sobriety. I have 6.10 years sober and I achieved a lot the things I hoped to when I set out to get sober.

In November, I saw my psychiatrist that I have been seeing for the past 6 years since my most recent psychosis and he gave me a new diagnosis.

He told me I was normal. That what happened to me at the hospital 6 years ago was an isolated, drug induced psychosis.

This is one of the most confusing diagnosis' I have ever received in my 28 years of seeing doctors. Ever since I was a little kid I have been seeing psychiatrists who have been trying to pin point what it is exactly is that is wrong with me. ADD, addict, alcoholic, depressive, manic, bipolar, dual diagnosis, possible schizophrenic, are all labels I have worn.

When I was 20 I had a doctor look at me and say, "You are bipolar and you're an alcoholic. You have to stop drinking and go to AA." This made me incredibly angry and I never saw that doctor however, I did gain a sense of clarity, eventually, from that label. Which was part of the reason I didn't drink.

And now I'm normal? What the fuck does that mean? That's the most confusing label I have ever received.

So... I can drink and smoke pot...?

Immediate answer- no gab.
Delayed, thought out in my head discussed with no one answer- maybe....?

And like I've gone through this before. I've rationalized drinking again. But never in the way that this new label made me rationalize before. This was my get out of jail free card.

But then I started getting these signs. Little things from my Aunt Dana. Sometimes you have a force so strong in your life that it propels you in a different direction.

Part of the reason I got sober is because I truly felt my deceased Grandma and Aunt telling me they couldn't protect me anymore from harming myself. It was something that came over me. I have trouble explaining but call it a white light moment if you want... It was one of the many, many factors in my ultimate decision to give up boozing. I have lost a lot of people and I believe that they now help guide me, but I basically felt I was wearing out my Gran and Aunt.

So recently I've been getting little signs from my Aunt. Kinda like, "uh yeah dumbass still here and you're being a fucking moron right now."

And I just had been kinda ignoring it all. Coasting. In my head I was like, "Yeah I'm not going to drink right this second but like I'm good on my own right now." One of the many times I have relied solely on myself and not on the helping hands of other people.

And today I had a coming to Jesus moment.
Death.

There's some statistic for AA that's like, "3 people come in. 1 stays, 1 relapses, 1 dies." And it's true.

I have seen so many people die from Alcoholism but there are certainly specific people who hit me harder than others.

This girl I knew from AA, died today and it really fucking hit me. I wasn't even really her friend but I feared for her life. She was one of those people who was a constant relapser. It would seem like she truly got sober but then next thing I knew she was back out there. She had some crazy shit happen to her that I thought for certain would make her never touch another substance in her life. But today I found out she died from this disease.

When this kind of thing happens I just hope she is out of the suffering that clearly took over her life and I like to think she is out of misery and in a beautiful place. But I also can't help but think that I'm so fucking lucky. I'm so lucky that I figured out how to stay sober for this long, by the grace of fucking god. I'm so lucky I'm not in misery. I'm so lucky I'm alive.

It honestly doesn't matter if I'm normal or schizophrenic. I have been going to AA for 6 years and I keep going back into those rooms and talking to those people because I am one of them. I am an alcoholic. I'm not normal. I'm Gabriella. And I love that I have AA to give myself a life and a way to live.

I also found out that one of my best friends moms died today. And because of this person passing I am able to show up for her and help her in anyway I can.

Life should be fun and celebrated but it's also precious and we never know how much time we have. Maybe I could have a drink and not die but at this point I get more out of staying sober and going to meetings.

Shit's not easy. Being fucking 28 is not easy. But, in the words of my mother and Pop Pop, "No one ever said it was going to be easy." There are things you can do to make it easier and not miserable.

When I started writing this blog it was almost a daily practice. No it has come to be a place where I come for crisis. I don't want to do that anymore.

I want to recommit. Because another reason I have written on this for so long is because it is a way for me to help other people. And I was gently reminded of that this week.

Yes, there are people I have known who have died but there are also people I have gotten to help get sober, and that too is a beautiful thing all on it's own. I have this gift that I am able to give away to others just by telling my story.

My favorite time of year to write on this blog is around New Year's because well... duh New Year, New me.

But I also like to take time to reflect on the year that has just past. We can't really move forward if we don't know where we have come from...

And boy has this year been a year...

Ok Yabbers, I'm gonna give you two posts this week. This is part one, stayed tuned to hear about 2018 and how 2019 is the year of the Yab.

To Be Continued...

I hate that she's gone.

2018-08-07T02:19:00.005-04:00

I don't want to write this. I have been avoiding this blog. Because I wish none of this was happening.

I don't want to have to process these things because I want them to stop happening.

I am 27 years old, about to be 28, and death has haunted me since I was a child. I have lost people I care about from a young age but as I got older I started losing people who were young themselves.

Death isn't fair for anyone but for a young person it's cruel.

August 3, 2015 was the day I found out I lost one of my best friends, Samantha Devers, to the disease of addiction. You want to know why I'm sober? Because I've seen this disease kill in a mean way.

But I don't want to talk about addiction and me. I just want to talk about death.

I had lost people before Sam but Sam's death was different for me than anyone else. It was numbing. I felt guilty and responsible for probably well over a year. I watched Sam struggle and after the fact I felt like I just should have done more. I felt like I handled the situation in the wrong way.

Death is hard because there is no correct way to deal with it. You just have to go through the motions. For me that meant terrible things. I went to a dark place. I wished other people dead instead of her. I was an emotional wreck. Hearing the sobs of Samantha's mother at her funeral was enough to make me never pick up a drink or drug again.

And it wasn't fair. She was too young. She had more life to live. She enriched so many people's lives and was then ripped away from them.

But it is not good to sit in anger. Anger is just the emotion of hurt that is being masked. Sometimes when we are really fucking sad we get really fucking mad. Acting out in anger while you grieve is normal but it's not productive. Sometimes its really fucking hard to not feel responsible.

And it's really fucking hard to not ask yourself, "Why?"
I have learned, for myself, that you don't always get the answer.
I personally like to think when someone dies at a young age it is because they are being saved from something terrible. That is how I deal. With Sam, I think she was living in hell on earth. I think she suffered internally in a way many of us do not and will not ever understand. I think she had to much energy that this world couldn't contain. I believe if she lived longer she would have had a miserable existence.
Maybe you don't agree with this, but this is how I cope.

And it's not ok to criticize anyone, unless they are hurting themselves or someone else, on how they grieve. We are all different and we all had a different relationship with the person who was lost. You should be worrying about how you feel and checking in with your own emotions. You should let other people do what they need to do. At the same time, we should help each other. Hug each other, love each other.

Grieving is easier when there is some sense of community because you are all able to be there for each other. It's a gift.

August 3, 2018 I had been anticipating for weeks because I didn't know how I would feel. I put a lot of pressure on myself to remember Sam. I don't want to ever forget her and the times I had with her. I feel like I should be sad even when I'm not. I also feel like I have a duty to live my best life in honor of her. And August 3, for me is the day to remember her.

So then I woke up on August 3, 2018 with text messages about another girl I knew, in another community of mine, dying. Suddenly, tragically.

I think when someone dies of an addiction it is somewhat anticipated.... this was not. But we can't control life. You can take every precaution possible and sometimes terrible things just happen.

My heart breaks for Annabelle and my Champlain community. Ever since I was a freshman at Champlain I have experienced people dying. It's not normal. And it's really fucking hard to deal with.
But when you have a community of people who live hard, life happens.

My only take away from this past Friday is to live in love. Don't be hateful. Love to the fullest and live to the fullest. Life is too short to be petty and not care about one another.
Do not sit in anger, you're life will be less full if you do.

It's ok to be sad yabbers. Accept the way you are feeling and learn to be comfortable in your feelings. Don't try to control or manipulate them.

Sam Devers was one of the brightest people I knew. My life is not dim without her, it's highlighted by her presence and I feel so fortunate and bless to have been able to call her one of my soul sisters. She was an angel here on earth to grace us all with her sweet kind love. I know I will be seeing her again but until then, thank you Sam for guiding my through this crazy adventure that is my life.

xoxo Love you Mean it.

Feelin those Feelins

2018-07-18T02:10:00.002-04:00

WELL 4 months later...

Still sober, still in a relationship.

So this blog has, over the years, become kind of a tell all about my relationships and mishaps. Well, it's also been about- whether on purpose or not- growing up sober and learning how to let love and light into my life.

Before I got sober I lived in a dark place of misunderstanding who I was and how the world around me worked. I wanted love in my life so badly but I ran so fast and so far away from it.

God, I was a cold hearted bitch! I was mean, I had a tongue that could rip you apart like a sword, either in front of your face or behind your back. To the men in my life especially. I tore men apart. Not in a 'feminist man hating' way, in a 'I fucking hate you never talk to me again and I hope you rot in hell' type of way.

I've been searching for years where I went wrong. What childhood trauma made me so scared that I couldn't look my feelings into it's face. Honestly, I think it's just simply a patterned I developed that became comfortable to me and eventually I couldn't escape it.

So now, dealing with my feelings... is incredibly uncomfortable.

Part of the reason I drank so much and so heavily was that dealing with men was very difficult for me so I would drink until it was comfortable. I literally had a drunk boyfriend for a couple of years. When I was sober I barely spoke to him and when we were both wasted we were more all over each other then the couples we knew.
So when I got sober, I was like fuuuuuck that. I stayed away from men for two years. Literally... barely even spoke to them. Seriously.

Then finally, after two years, I was ready to tip toe into the waters. Since then I've had my ups and downs- which you can read the play by plays if you peruse this blog EYE ROLL-

But it isn't until now that I've made serious head way. I am in my first real relationship and it's fucking terrifying. It's scary because it's new. And I don't like new things, I don't like change. I'm fucking terrified it's going to end at any moment. I'm afraid of getting hurt and because of that I'm afraid to let someone in. But I am working through it. And I have been for a while. But it's hard

It's frustrating because I feel I should have learned how to do a lot of these things at a younger age. Like I tell people a lot of the time I am in my first relationship and they're like no you're not

Uh yeah I am. But everyone goes their own pace...It's fine.

And honestly, I haven't been writing because- as you probably know- I like to write about things after the fact. However, I need to get this all out.

I hate talking about my feelings. And worse then that, I cant fucking do it. People are like "just say it, just tell them". It's like no no no but that's what I don't understand how to do. I guess it's just hard for other people to comprehend how incapacitating this whole thing is for me. I just go mute. I am definitely making progress and I think, like most things when you get sober, the more you do it the better you get at it. You just have to fucking do it Gab.

But Jesus Christ. I think I'm making a therapeutic break through, or at least I better be... I'm just feeling all of these things I've never felt before. I think I'm really proud of myself too for the progress I am making but it's seriously over whelming. I sat in my car yesterday and cried for no fucking reason. Like I honestly don't even know what the problem was. Well I do. I have things I want to say that I can't get out. So I've been crying because I can't say the things I want to say but I think I'm also crying because I have these emotions dissipating out of my body. I mean I work really hard at it. I cover myself in crystals, align my chakras, work with a sponsor, tons of therapy and yeah I do spells too. So thank go there's a fucking break through.

It's just a lot ok. I really never thought I'd get here. And you're probably like "What do you mean get here?" I truly thought for a very long time I wasn't capable of being with someone in a healthy way. I thought I was doomed to be alone forever and now I am realizing that's just not true. I think it's a matter of self love I have come to and even beyond that.

It's like I've become a whole human. I'm not talking about this relationship, I'm talking about me. I've learned to love myself so much that I am letting other people get there too. I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't from the journey I've been on to get here.

Hey Yabbers, thanks for being on this journey with me. It's been a treat to share all of this with you. Thanks for giving a shit about my life and helping me to find myself.

But the rides not over yet, onwards and upwards we go.

How I Stayed Sober For 6 years...

2018-03-27T02:14:00.002-04:00

Hi Friends. It's meeeee Gab aka Yab aka your neglective mother. I am SORRY for not writing for so long. It's just like an ordeal for me these days. I have countless drafts that I never publish because I'm too lazy to find pictures and then I just never end up posting it.

One day I'll do archive posts where you can read all my emotional spur of the moment drafts. Plus sometimes I write these heartfelt posts that are so on point with how I'm feeling in that moment and then I take some time and reflect and... I feel differently.

I have come along way since impulse writing and posting about break ups and heartaches.

Today I was in a recovery meeting picking up my six year coin and I mentioned to someone that I had a blog and then I realized wow I haven't been writing in this at all! I was like should I even tell this broad about it because it's so out of date

I didn't write anything for the new year which is usually a huge time of reflection for me and it's a week after my 6 years sober anniversary and I am just sitting down to write. Not ok Gab.

I think what it really is is that my life is going really fucking good right now. I used to use writing as a way to cope with the chaos I was dealing with but things have been so smooth sailing. And I'm almost afraid if I post anything complaining about any aspect everything will blow up. I'm actually in the throws of a functional relationship right now and I'm not even going to tell you anything about it because it's going too well.

It's kinda like treading water right now so that things stay good. Ehhh well maybe not. Maybe this is how normal people just live life, calm and collected.

Have I finally managed to achieve balance!??!?!? No. Maybe. Let's say almost. I guess life is a balancing act that and at this stage I've almost learned to juggle. I'm by no means perfect and there are definite areas that need improvement but this is the best things have been in a while.
However I have some PTSD from the insanity that was the last decade of my life so it does feel a bit like dog paddling. But I know things are going well.

If you were to sit down and read this blog from the beginning you'd go back to when I was still drinking, and you would get to watch me get sober. It's pretty fucking cool for me to have it all in writing.

Sometimes I think maybe it's inappropriate for me to be posting things about the nooks and crannies of my recovery since I am part of an anyonmous program but I think this blog has been a huge vessel for me to share my journey and where my strength comes from.

Going from a drunk to a sober woman of grace you change physically in some ways but you mostly metamorphose from the inside out. It's emotional and it's the way you handle life.

So usually around this time I write about how I've changed and what I'm like now yada yada yada
But right now I want to make a list of how I have stayed sober over the years, the life hacks if you will.

I have had countless people reach out to me since I got sober about how I did it or just looking for advice. Usually I just give my story, lend my experience and hope they get something out of it but today I am going to tell you how I did it.

How I Stayed Sober For 6 Years:

I stopped drinking and doing drugs because I was institutionalized. Going to a mental hospital for a month and a half cuts out any possibility of having a drink.

I went to rehab for MONTHS. I was in an intensive outpatient which meant I stayed at home. Group therapy has saved my life. If you've never done it I strongly encourage finding a group. I have been in group therapy since I was 18 and it's amazing. Yeah at first I hated but now I LOVE IT.

I stayed away from men for two years. I had never been on a date before I got sober, I barely had had sober sex, I went to an all catholic girls high school where I lost all social skills with boys. I had no business messing around with guys when I got sober and I honestly stayed the hell away from them.

I got involved in service. Whether it was helping someone else get sober or doing AmeriCorps, service changed and saved my life. And now it is my life. I have found my calling and I am full time dedicated to helping others.

I learned the only persons recovery who matters is mine. Helping other people is important but you can't help someone who won't help themselves. And you can't let active alcoholics or addicts dictate your life. You need to stick with the people that want to better you and make the best choices for your recovery always.

You have to always be willing and ready to change. You can't stay stagnate. Being in recovery means you are constantly trying to make yourself a better person and you can't give up on that. You have to move forward and not backwards. Like I say, onwards and upwards yabbers.

I realized just because I got sober didn't mean life got easier. I got handed a set of tools that I learned how to use. The shittest shit ever can happen to you while your sober. But you have a new way of dealing with it that's not so painful.

I saw that this is life and death. The longer you stay sober the more people you will see go back out and die. It makes you realize how important this fight is. Young drunks don't become old drunks, they die. I wanted to live my life I wasn't ready to go.

But I also got sober to live life. So I got sober at 21, everyone was just starting to go to bars and clubs. I wasn't going to miss this party! I didn't get sober to stay in my house all the time. People still ask me how I am around alcohol so much. Well first of all, I have a large family that drinks so it would be hard to escape from completely. Secondly, I'm a loud vivacious person and I need somewhere to expel all my energy and I love to dance.
So I started by going out with sober friends to dance and then I just started to hang out with "normal drinking friends" and going anywhere I want.

If you are in the right spiritual place there is no where you can't be. However, you should make smart choices and it is not ok to drink vicariously through other people. Lesson learned.

I've come in and out of AA the past six years. I've fucking hated it and I've been so in love with it. But I keep coming back because it works for me. Do the work and put in the time. Always go to that meeting you're thinking about going to.

I say yes to anything anyone in AA asks me. Within reason... I don't have to say yes to a date but I do say yes anytime anyone asks me to be of service to another Alcoholic.

Also, I found God. From the moment I decided I was getting sober I started praying because as a good catholic girl that's what I knew how to do. The majority of 20somethings aren't living there life according to "a higher power or God". But I'm not normal. I don't talk to my friend about God all the time but it's just a huge part of my life. It's no one else's business but mine but my belief in a higher power has gotten me through the toughest times sober.

And finally, you don't have to drink over anything, ever. Period.

That's it. That's how I've come this far. And you know the biggest thing I keep with me is that I'm still learning. People have been like "holy cow! Six years that's incredible!" And like of course it is but I've just done what I was told to do. It's been fucking tough. I will say that but yeah I don't want to die and I don't want to be locked up in a mental institution for the rest of my life. So this is the path I'm on.
And you know what it's fucking cool! Sobriety is a great ride once you're on board.

6 years later and my life is fucking fantastic. I can't wait to see what the next six years have in store.
TA TA!

I Have Social Anxiety.

2018-01-30T23:12:00.001-05:00

Well, it's 2018. A lot has changed since I last posted. Christmas came and went and so did the new year.

I have three tabs on my Chrome that have been there for weeks to months with drafts of blog posts, all about different things.

But now I just really feel like I need to get something out and that something is about my crippling social anxiety.

"Gab Latona has social anxiety? Yeah right" -everyone.
"You do not have social anxiety." - my dad
"You have the world's worst social anxiety and everyone hates you." -me

No one ever needs to explain to me how anxiety works because I know it all too well.

Growing up I didn't always love playing with other kids. I loved being alone a lot. I remember finding areas of the playground in elementary school where I could basically hide and not have to interact with anyone. Kids would always look for me and try to play with me and I would be like, "Ugh ok fine."

When I lived in Canada (I lived in Canada in 4th and 5th grade) I remember having this huge coat and when we go out for recess I would sit indian style so that my coat would cover me and then do a turtle move and pull my head into my coat to play with my polly pockets.

When I got to high school I knew literally two girls and I was barely friends with them. The girls who ended up being my best friends freshman year told me at the beginning of the year they thought I was a fucking weirdo because I didn't speak to anyone. I was terrified entering high school because I knew no one. But I had to go, so I just kept to myself until I was comfortable to interact with the other humans.

self defense.

That is how I enter social situations. I am completely silent until I must speak or am spoken too. It is 100% a defense mechanism and A LOT of the time people think I am a full on bitch because I act this way.

However, if I am socializing with other humans I know I am much more comfortable and less off putting.

I push myself a lot to interact and face my anxiety fucking daily. Saying hi to someone I don't know is generally a strain. People think because I am so social and have so many friends that there is no way I have social anxiety but... how can I explain this to you... Why the fuck would I make this shit up?

When I got sober I literally could not speak to other humans. I was in a mental hospital and I would, again, keep to myself. Then when I got out and was sent to rehab I refused to go to AA, mostly because of the social aspect. While I was living at home for the next couple of months it was insanely difficult to leave my mothers side. I could barely talk to people who were my friends. And I could not interact with anyone else. Obviously overtime I became less of a deer in the headlights and more adjusted to the world. But a lot of that trauma still lingers.

But you know what in life you have to push yourself to grow. If I let my anxiety get the best of me I wouldn't have a job, I wouldn't leave my parents house and I wouldn't have any friends.
People scare the living shit out of me.

People say to me all the time, "it's so awesome you can go to bars and clubs sober." Yeah that didn't happen over night and there are certainly still times when it's really fucking hard. Dealing with other people's bullshit when your sober and they're not is trying at times. I'm not judgmental it just puts me in a weird place sometimes.

Because of all this, I find relationships pretty fucking difficult. Talking about my feelings is really hard for me. And to be honest with you I have only done it a few times. It is painfully difficult to me. I can be sitting there saying to myself, "say it Gab, just say it" And nothing will come out of me.

Lately my social anxiety has been getting the best of me. I haven't been saying how I feel. I have been going to less meetings because I know less people. And I can't even begin about the gym......
It's way easier for me to say fuck it and stay home then to deal with any of my emotions and move forward with anything.

But usually it just takes a little push and I can get over it. I will say this shit gets easier with practice and time. At least with me.
I will tell you this, with all anxiety, you can fall into a hole. If you let that little voice of doubt and negativity get to you your done for. But if you fight it if you do the opposite of what it is telling you to do you can win.

And you know, honestly this is hard for me to admit because it ruins the facade that I portray as being a social creature. Saying I have social anxiety and then going and socializing is like uh, harder... But I keeps it real with you and I keep it real with myself. Honesty is sometimes all you have and extremely powerful.

I think I just needed to remind myself of all of this to cut the bullshit and take back control.
So if you're struggling with this just say yes. Say yes to what that inner monologue is saying no too and you will be ok. This too shall pass.

So I Left...

2017-10-05T03:10:00.000-04:00

I feel like my blog has become a whiny teenage diary...I guess that's what it always was anyway. aaayolo.

Moving away from Philly has been really hard. I didn't leave Philadelphia because I hated it. I wasn't pushed out because I was uncomfortable. I didn't leave because I wanted to. I left because I had to. I had to for myself.

I am a really selfless person. I am comfortable saying that because other people have told me it's true. I was in AmeriCorps for 3 years... Yes I was finding myself but I also feel in love with helping other people. I am not boosting or trying to brag. I am by no means a martyr but I am an empath and I deeply care about other people. In fact sometimes, a lot of the time, I take on other people's problems. This can definitely get in the way of my own life and sacrifice my own happiness.

Leaving Philadelphia was a selfish thing I did for me. Sometimes it's important to be selfish. You have to put yourself first once in a while-- I actually have to constantly be reminded of this.

Self-care is really important. It's hard not to take home the work struggles I encounter. In all lines of work you should really be taking care of yourself to not burn out, but especially working with at-risk youth. On top of it I work a lot of 9+ hour days and when I come home I have to take care of me. Oh and I have two jobs. One full time and one part time.

I have really been struggling with this. Moving from Greeley to Denver has been tough with the change of pace, but moving from Pennsylvania to Colorado has been a lot to deal with this past year. It's made me question a lot of things.

Life has still continued to turn in Philly, surprisingly enough... Life continues on whether I am there or not. I have had to deal with a lot of shit happening home while I have been miles away.

And of course the grass is always greener on the other side...

Right now I wish I was in Philly but if I was there I probably would not be happy.

I left Philadelphia because I saw people never leave. I couldn't talk shit on people spending their whole existence in Philly when I was doing the same thing... So I left.

I took a leap. I pulled the trigger. I actually did it. And you know what? I don't know when I will be back.

It took me over 20 years to fit in in Philly. It took me less than 10 months to find a life in Colorado.

I go home almost once a month now and it's really hard. It's like constantly getting back together with an ex. I see all the good things and not the bad. I start to romanticize. The reality of the situation is I would not be happy or satisfied there. It's not my city anymore. It will always be home but I don't belong there right now. Taking a risk sometimes involves feeling things you don't anticipate. Part of experiencing life is living and feeling all of it. Pain included.

It's really hard to say I don't know when I'll be back because there are people I love in that city. I wish I could transport them here. The fact is I am here and they are there. That is the now.

I get why people don't leave though. It's comfortable being comfortable and it's easy to feel content. Maybe it's my constant alcoholic need for chaos that has kept me searching for the next big thing. But I could see how you could be happy with being happy. I do envy that sometimes. I however, need to be constantly challenged and pushed to grow. So for me that meant leaving Philly.

My entire life I went back and forth between two house holds. My parents were divorced since I was two years old and whenever I would fully feel at home somewhere I would be told it was time to go to my other house. Fitting in has always been really difficult because I have never fully felt like I belonged.

The first time I felt like I actually belonged somewhere was summer camp. It was the most consistent and unabridged place that felt like home. It was my happy place and I ruined it by getting kicked out for drinking= first true depression; enter Burlington, VT.

Burlington, VT felt more like home than camp even did. I was ripped away from Burlington due to my drinking. Welcome my sobriety date of March 20th 2012. Losing Burlington was one of the hardest losses I have experienced in my life because I lost my sense of belonging. I've never felt so misplaced. There comes a point when you just need to stop losing everything. Saying the words "rock bottom" is completely different than feeling like you've actually lost and ruined everything. Literally everything. And for me that meant the home I was always searching for.

So when I moved back to Philly and I got a "new way of life" I made it my own. But because of my weighted history of fucking hating Philadelphia it was like a lover I never fully let into my life.

So I left...
My version of not staying in Philadelphia and your reasoning for never leaving are probably very different. And you know what, I know a ton of people who never left Burlington and it's the same situation. Although losing that "home" was such an incredibly trying experience, I am grateful I did not get stuck there and become resentful and bitter.

Right now I fucking hate not being in Philadelphia. I want so badly to be in two places at once moving with both spinning parts. Not coming and going while one goes on and so does the other.

I said in my last post I have never been in love and that's really not true because I have friends I love so much and wish I could be with all the time. So maybe I have experienced love on another level that some people will never understand.

For me friendships aren't going out, partying, taking pictures... It's being honest and telling the truth. If I am mean to you I probably really fucking care about you. Honesty is the foundation to any relationship.

I just sometimes look at my life and say WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING.... LIKE CONSTANTLY.

I don't think I am the center of any universe except my own. And I really need to stop making other peoples problems burdens on my own life. I need to learn to just fucking let go. I just wish I could freeze time and be everywhere I want to be at once. However, all I can do is take care of myself, try and lend a helping hand to others, and hope they do what's best.

I love the life I live and am so happy. I just miss my friends and family that I love so much. I am so grateful to have a support system like I do.

Sometimes I miss the value of gratuity but I can truly say, even though I am super emotional and moody right now, I am so incredibly #blessed for the people that are in my life. I am the luckiest girl to have the people I do.

Also you want to talk about whiny-- I have been listening to Sarah McLaughlin this whole blog post so add that as your background soundtrack.

But I recommend you listen to this instead

Onwards and upwards we go Yabbers...<3 nbsp="" p="">

"Oh no no... We Are Way Past Rockbottom."

2017-09-28T01:19:00.000-04:00

Hi it's me.

I'm just sitting in the dark listening to Ed Sheeran, thinking out loud how much I hate my dating life.

I have seen a lot of psychics in my day and honestly I think they're holding out on me. I feel like they get one good look at me and they're like, "aw shit." I don't think anyone is being honest with me anymore.

I think I really will die alone. I don't think I understand how relationships or dating works. I don't think I have a compatible match out there. I think I am happy being alone because it is my destiny.

I feel like this is the 100th blog post where I am writing, "I'm tired of dating."

At this point I feel like I am at an all time low. I would not say by any means I am at a rock bottom. Oh no no we are way past that point...
But I will say I'm just almost, baffled by the status of my dating life.

I am so fucking done. I have written before that dating can be exhausting but now I'm at another level... I am now crying.

There's all these songs, movies, books, pieces of literature that all have to do with love. And I've never felt it. I've already written about how I don't even know what love is and I'm not going into detail about that right now because that's not even my main concern.

I'm in the stage of my life where I have a wedding constantly coming up. Not only will I never get a plus one- because everyone knows how single I am- but I will never need one, and if I ever got one it would be a source of anxiety because I have no one to fucking bring with me.
And let's not even talk about the fact that at these weddings these people are committing their lives to each other and I can't even get a guy to call me back!

This is what I'm tired of: Ghosting. And honestly, how dating apps have changed the dating landscape.

Bumble and tinder have full on deleted chivalry from our already very "modern" society. Finding someone to ask you out and not into their bed is already a challenge. And if you do find a date it's different rules then it used to be.

You would think because I am a 27 year old it wouldn't matter what dating apps have done because I essentially grew up with them. But I don't think I was made for them. Some guy kept asking me the other night on a 'date' "What's your type?"
I don't have a fucking type. I think people who are attractive are attractive? But like I'm attracted to people's personalities and you don't really get that from swiping left or right on max five pics. I like to laugh, but I have a certain sense of humor.

I've been doing the dating thing. Like going out on dates with guys, real dates. I enjoy the actual act of the date--- which is something I never thought I would say. There was a point, not that long ago, where the thought of sharing a meal with a dude would have been enough to keep me at home.

I have come along way that's for fucking sure... In so many capacities. For the past five years I have been fighting everything to make my life better. Everyday I fight to stay sober and be a better person. So sitting down with someone and saying "I don't drink" is so invalidating. When they say "oh why don't you drink" I sometimes just say "I had a drinking problem". I'm not gonna tell you the first day I met you how I have come from being a shell of nothing to making something of myself.

But these guys take me on a date, or three max, and never call me again. I definitely think that the whole dating world at their thumb has them over me in .5 seconds. I'm not saying I'm falling head over heels for these guys, in fact a lot of the time I don't know if I want to spend more time with them or not. But I'm willing to see what happens. All I am fucking looking for at this point is NORMAL. Fucking normal.

The act of dating is getting to know someone and whether you can spend extended periods of time with someone. I just think these people are real life swiping me to quickly.

When someone used to ask you out (this was before my time) it was obviously first of all someone you knew. So they already had some concept of who you are. And a key dating rule (according to my sources) was to not be so available.

Now... Men have the attention span of a goldfish because they have a pocket full of endless women on their phone.

Here's the other thing that bugs me... I am the only one I know with a blog who analyticly picks apart their dating life. Sure a lot people probably do this in the privacy of their own head, but I know plenty of people in long term relationships and MARRIED FOR GOD SAKES so obviously this code isn't so difficult for them to crack. So what the fuck is wrong with me? AM I JUST OVERTHINKING ALL OF THIS.

But I don't really think I'm overthinking guys telling me they'll call me and then never hearing from them again... I think that's just facts.

I have been in therapy for literally years and I can't find someone to date. I will say I am incredibly critical of other people and I have very high standards. And of course, let's be real... I low key love and thrive being single... but it is all like some sort of weird math problem I am constantly trying to solve.

Well my mom always said to me "you'll find someone when you stop looking." I genuinely have been trying to get to that point for so long and I can finally say I am fucking there.

But I will say, I have a lot of male friends, male friends who read this blog... seriously stop. Stop ignoring girls- that you said you would text and then you didn't so they texted you and you ignored. Stop standing up girls. Stop being fucking assholes and hiding behind your screens. Stop being little boys and grow the fuck up. Don't call girls crazy when you are being a little bitch. Stop fucking lying and manipulating.

Right now I feel like shit. I feel so used and abused. I feel not worth anyone's time. I feel lied to.
I don't feel good enough.

I live my life by a principal called radical honesty. I don't lie. The few times I have in the past year have been to random men who have asked me questions that were too personal so I gave them fake answers. But just because I am telling the truth all the time doesn't mean everyone else is.
Ask yourself this... how many times have you lied in the past year? It's hard for me to recognize that not all people are as honest, maybe even with themselves, as I am and try to be.

Getting sober you really have to get honest, so ever since I did that, I got real honest. I think that's why people love reading this so much because it's so raw.

I feel really raw right now. What is wrong with me or what am I doing wrong that I can't hold anyone's interest for more than a couple hours?

Usually by the end of me writing out all of my feelings I come to a conclusion that makes me feel better about the whole situation. This didn't happen today.

I will say this, all of this has taught me to be vulnerable and to let people in even if they won't let me in. Maybe I'm not the most trusting person but I have become willing to let something into my life. You know I have gone out with some fucking nutsos so maybe I need someone to pick out a man for me... I don't think I'm going about any of this right anymore...

Hey, maybe this is the conclusion- Maybe you have to fall flat on your faces 100 times before learning how to properly walk, run, or rollerblade. Maybe you have to just learn how to put yourself out there before anything can come to you.

My cousin always says to me that God is molding the perfect person for me and I do believe that.

I retract that I will die alone- because I have calmed the fuck down by a lot (Still listening to Ed tho)- If I tell myself I am going to die alone, then well one day I will. I can not let my fear manifest itself.

I know the right person is out there for me. And if I have to kiss a bunch of frogs til I get to him fine. I just wish they'd be a little more considerate and honest with me.

(Honestly, I don't know if any of that made sense to you, it was more just a rant. But to give you an overview I'm pissed that men keep ghosting me and that dating is so frustrating.)

You Can Do Anything For a Year

2017-09-13T02:23:00.002-04:00

ur hiii....

Well this is certainly one of the longest hiatus I have ever taken from posting and actually writing in itself.

I've had a lot going on. A lot. alotalot. A lot of transitions.

But today marks my 1 year journey to Colorado and when anniversary's come up it's easy for me to reflect and write. *August 1st- when I started writing this *eye roll*

This past year has been a whirlwind, not necessarily more than the past couple of years, just another tornado.
I think once you hit 21 your years turn into long journeys. Each year marks a triumph over the last roller coaster.
Although I do remember when I hit puberty my mom literally telling me that my emotions were going to "become a roller coaster ride" so maybe it's just been since then....

And now I'm 27 and have entered my late 20s but I'm still in denial about that one so we are not going to touch on that tonight.

Living in Colorado has taught me a lot of things and changed me in many ways.

First and foremost I have learned you can do anything for a year. I think that has really been my mantra.
This year has been extremely challenging. But like honestly what year hasn't in the past... I don't know... ten years...? I have dealt with a lot of very difficult work place struggles, from co-workers to supervisors. It's been a very challenging year overall.

I also did this thing where I decided to move somewhere without doing any research and ended up hating where I lived.... I don't recommend that. If you're planning on moving somewhere spontaneously do the fucking research. Don't just assume that because it's Colorado it's going to be beautiful because Colorado boarders Kanas and you could be closer to Witchata then you are some mountains... fml.
smh.

When I first moved to Greeley several people, in the fucking town, said to me "I hate Greeley". Which of course I have heard people say about Philadelphia but the tenacity these people said this definitely worried me.
I can now fully and whole heartedly say, "I too hate Greeley."

It's just not for me. There are definitely people who love Greeley with all their heart but it is nothing I would ever want in a town or a life. But you can do anything for a year.

However, I will say the adjustment back to my normal life has been a bit draining. I went from Greeley life working Mon-Fri from about 12pm- 5pm, staying up til about 2am every night and having little to no social interaction during the week. Life at about 5mphs. Then driving to Denver for the entire weekend and coming back to my sleepy town Sunday.
It was relaxing... I guess... it was more so just fucking boring.

NOW, I wake up at 6am for work I don't get home til 6:30pm and I'm usually doing something during the evening. So we are up to about...oh 300mphs. I have two jobs, one full time, one babysitting part time.

But you know what, I like to work. That doesn't mean I don't feel like I'm jet lagged with the sleeping schedule and I'm not 1000x more stressed out. But like I'm fucking living my life again thank God.

Maybe sometimes you need to slow down. I think a lot of the times we need to stop and slow down, but a year was a little long.... you can do anything for a year.

You can find growth when you see no room to grow. You can expand and keep going... onwards and upwards. You can find the positives. You can look for lessons. You can cry. You can get through it.

You definitely could have written more blog posts Yab... but of course, I work better under pressure.

The year before last [2015] I was incredibly depressed. Like taking hot showers every night and sinking to the bottom of the shower crying my eyes out... almost every night I kid you not. On anti-depressants. I lost a best friend to heroin and two dogs in less than a year. I had a job I hated. I learned I hated Philadelphia and I decided to leave.

But I had no idea what this would entail.

Well, turns out I am much more suited for Colorado. Problem: my best friend and family are still in Philly. So now I am plotting ways to pull them all out here permanently so I don't have to go back.

Besides my work place struggles, the hardest thing I have dealt with this past year is not knowing where I belong.

Moving to Colorado I have realized, although I will always be from Philadelphia, it's not really where I belong. But where do I belong? I don't even know if it's Colorado. Constantly I was, and am, dealing with an existential crisis' to the point where I had to enlist a new therapist out here because I felt so out of place. In the words of [the old] Taylor Swift circa 2006, "I'm just a girl tryna find a place in this world".

I fucking started listening to country music this year and I tell people I like bluegrass when they ask me what I listen to. Like who the fuck am I?

Greeley made me really question what the fuck I was doing with my life, daily, for multiple reasons.

However, right now, September 13th 2017, I can say I am stressed out about my life but also I am starting to take things as they come for the first time in a long time. I think having less time to worry about what the fuck I am doing and rather just being super busy and living my life, it is easier to just roll with it.

I guess, in retrospect Greeley was a huge lesson. Duh, obviously Gab. Or maybe it was a gift. A gift of a break. I know I said earlier in this post last year was horrible but it really wasn't. It was just super slow.

I know this post isn't really that juicy or full of life lessons but I trying to play catch up.
It's like when you don't see your therapist for a while and you have to tell them all the dumb bullshit in your life and you can't dig deep.

Well I promise you this Yabbers... I am back to writing.

It's been a long period of trying to figure out what the fuck is going on in my life. I can't even believe this summer is over. I can't believe I am 27. I feel like my whole fucking life is flashing before my eyes. I guess that's the existential crisis I am dealing with now. It's not that I feel so old I just feel like before I know it I'm going to be fucking old.

Jeez Yabers I have so many things to tell you but it is oh so past my bed time. I hope you accept my sincere apology (this is mostly to myself) for not writing in so long. But ttyl xoxo

And remember..
You can do anything for a year.

ALSO Listen to this

"Maybe you'll get married, Maybe you won't"

2017-04-27T18:51:00.000-04:00

All of the drafts in my blog inbox are political. Rants about Donald Trump and feminism which I will one day delve into but today is not that day. I mean let's be fucking real, that's not what you have come here looking for.

Relationships.
That's what you like to read about you fucking assholes. I don't know why? I am 26 years old writing in a very unprofessional sub par blog and I am absolutely terrible with relationships... so why that is the thing I get the most views on absolutely blows my mind. Like hello, I am a god damn expert on sobriety and finding God but you could all care less about that!
Just kidding, I'm no expert and I have had a number of people reach out to me about getting sober which is fucking incredible.

But I know all of you closet FuckYab readers just want to know how absolutely terrible my dating/ love(?) life is going,

Welp, folks, not fucking good. Ok, I'm a harsh critic and an over exaggerator- it's fine. Honestly, it's not that bad at all. I'm 26 and in the prime of my youth. I'm a 21st century woman. I'm single and I frequently eat my dinner in my bed naked watching reality TV. If you think that's sad sorry I'm not fucking sorry because I find it liberating and empowering so screw you.

I am v happy for all of my friends who are getting married and having babies but that is NOT me or where I want to be. Honestly, that freaks me out. Not the idea of people getting married per say... and I really am honestly so thrilled for all of them. I mean it is about that time... mid to late 20s... people start getting hitched. Tis upon us, winter has come- in the words of John Snow.
Seriously, I have four wedding this year.

but like I am in noooooooo hurry for that life.

I think I use to worry that I was behind in life, but now I'm kinda happy about it. I can not picture myself married with three kids. There are plenty of women (girls?) around the country, my exact age, doing just that...

.
Of course, part of me wants to be in a relationship but like that's it. I don't want to be getting married at all. I fucking love being alone and wandering on my own through life. It would be super cool to have someone to share adventures with but it also feels a little limiting. It's funny because the last guy I was seriously seeing told me, when I decided to DTR (define the relationship), that he "didn't want to get married". Literally exact quote, first thing that came out of his mouth. Like Bitch me neither? Clearly we did not know each other as well as I thought...

I do think it's particularly hard getting into a relationship at this age because a lot of people's minds are on marriage. Guys (and girls) are either desperately trying to settle down or trying to avoid commitment as much as possible.I mean it makes sense because even I am watching all my friends get engaged. A lot of people in their mid20s are scorned I am finding...probably because they've had a great love that didn't work out. If they're great love did work out, welp, they're engaged. That's just really not on my personal life radar right not however, I am excited to dance at some upcoming weddings.

This is really not the way I saw this blog going, but yeah let's just let it all out Gab... As I do write this all down, and I as I am dwelling on what I was planning on writing about I realize that I am a little behind HAHAHA Maybe that is why you all like to read this shit because it's such a mess.

I haven't even had a functional relationship and I am now writing about how all of my friends are getting engaged....

Well you know what, fuck it.

Because there are people who will read this and relate to never being in a relationship just as there are people reading this close to engagement or already married!

I think it's important to not compare yourself to people and their life journey. I know. I am. doing. exactly. what I am supposed to be doing.

And you know what I retract some of the statements I just made, "STRIKE IT FROM THE RECORD"
Yes, I do think getting into a relationship is really fucking hard right now because it's like where the fuck are you in life? Growing up all of us were on the same page for a while. We went to preschool, then elementary, then middle school, high school, then we were all told to go to college but we all started to grow in different directions.

Some of us finished college, some of us had to leave early, some of us are still in college. Some of us never dated in college, some people are still dating the same person from high school. Some of us found out we were gay, some of us got sober, some people lost key members of their family or best friends and had to deal with death.

And some people graduated college, got a good job and are now getting married. But believe it or not a lot of us started to encounter life after high school and somewhere along the lines things did not go as planned.

So where are we now? Now, we are sort-of-adults living sort-of-adult lives.

All and all it's hard to meet someone who is in the same exact time frame of life as you. When we were growing up it was like, "wow they're cute let's do this." Now there is a whole world of dating to try and see if your timing is anywhere on the same base. They could be younger, they could be older, they could be exactly the same age, it doesn't really matter as long as you're both on the same page.

Honestly, it's difficult even staying friends with people you grew up with because none of us mature at the same rate. We are like branches on a trees, all stemming from the same place but growing in different directions. We might lean far away from each other and then end up intertwined, or we could stay side by side forever. I can't tell you how many friends I have lost just in the process of growing and it pains me sometimes to not know what they are doing now.

My best friends live all over the country so it's hard to stay in touch and even more challenging to still be able to relate to one another.
It's stressful. It's confusing trying to conceptualize these people I have known my whole life getting married, let alone me even being near that chapter in my life.

I'm just looking to find my first great love.

Or is it?

All in all, I don't think we should compare ourselves to each other anymore and where we are at in life. Because no one is right or wrong. Everyone is exactly where they should be. Even if you feel like shit about where you are- you are where you are supposed to be. You're probably just going through it and it sometimes hurts to grow.
If you end up getting a divorce or breaking up with someone you thought you were going to marry.... You can't regret it. That's what was supposed to happen. No, of course I do not know why, and maybe you will never know why but hopefully that gives you some piece of mind.

Jenna marbles once said, "Don't regret anything because you made the best possible decision you could in that given moment." How can you say shoulda, coulda, woulda? You were there and that is what happened. That's life my friends.

I can't help but think, "What are other people stressing about?" Like I can only truly relate to what I have or am going through. I constantly battle with "why haven't I found someone?" But maybe a girl in South Dakota right now who is my exact age is struggling with "Why the fuck did I get married and have two kids?" You can complain, that is your god given right, but you also have to be grateful.
I have possibility on the horizon for me and small regrets that I live with everyday. But pretty much I got it pretty good.

And truthfully... I don't really like humans that much which is why I think I am still single and deep down... I love just being with meeeeeeeeee
Dear God if someone took that away I don't know what I'd do. There is a small glimpse into my love life but that's not the whole thing so you're gonna have to tune in next week... or like next month....

Sooo... basically you know nothing that is going on in my love life right now and this blog post just turned into a tangent on marriage... Well, I can tell you this much, I don't regret this and I hope no matter what point you are in in your life this helped you in some shape or form.

Don't dwell and regret, just go onwards and upwards Yabbers.

If that doesn't work the song is Everybody's Free to Wear SunScreen by Baz Luhmann

^click the link

Getting Sober in Your 20s

2017-03-28T16:12:00.000-04:00

So I missed Christmas 2016 with you all, I missed being able to write a new years blog, I've missed months of writing.

Now the only reason I am writing is because I am killing time at a coffee shop. When you're trying to waste time you really find out the things you need to get done...

Of course I have had things to write about, but honestly the truth is I have been sucked so far into the television I hardly use my laptop anymore unless I am on the move.

But writing a good blog takes concentration and time, both of which I have at the current moment luckily....

My friend was getting rid of his TV a couple of months ago and was literally like, "Do you want this? Just take it." It's massive, like the biggest TV I have ever personally owned and it has fully engulfed me into the world of netflix and reality television. I have ADD so having a massive TV in my room all to myself is really limiting to the rest of my work life. Like I have a necessary fidget cube in my hand right now.

But I guess- touching on New Years 2017- I will right now, this very second, make a resolution to turn off my TV for at least one day a week. Hopefully dedicating more time to my true passion, this blog. My friend also suggested dedicating 20 mins or a half hr to writing and then turning on the TV, which seems like it would work v well, so let's give that a whirl!

The thing about TV and movies is, although they are great and all, surprise surprise, they take you out of reality. And the thing about me and this blog is that this is much more than writing to me, this is one of the many ways I work things out in my life. I am grateful for all the views I get on my writing but it is honestly more cathartic for me. It's not only getting thoughts on to the page but it's also making them public knowledge so nothing is left in me to stir and stew.

So what's going on with me right now...

Welp by the time anyone reads this I will have 5 years of sobriety. Which really just makes me feel old. I kid, this is a huge accomplishment for me. I think my last real milestone with my recovery was 1 year and that was 4 years ago...

Damn.

I was telling someone the other day, a lot of people have said to me, "Oh you are so lucky to have gotten sober so young."

Honestly, not really... I am lucky to have gone to my first AA meeting at 18 and given up drinking by 21? Umm no sir or mam that is not luck, that is survival. You don't hear about "young drunks" becoming "old drunks". You hear about them dying.

I am lucky enough to have had a white light moment where I could see clearly for about 2.5seconds and realized that yes I am an alcoholic, but also alcoholism would kill me if I didn't stop drinking.

And honestly, I don't care if I'm that girl who constantly is saying, "It's about life and death" because that's the reality of the situation.

If you have a coke problem and your super functional, all it takes is one bad night to LITERALLY KILL YOU. Same with heroin, molly, and fatal consumption amounts of alcohol.

I am eternally grateful that somewhere along the past five years my thinking changed from needing a drinking to learning how to survive without it. Because for me a glass of wine, or a craft brew is not worth a trip to a psych hospital for the third time, or worse.

But the reality of it is it's a lot easier to moderately drink through your 20s than be sober. I had to grow the fuck up starting at 21. I know 32 years who are not as emotionally mature as I had to be at 24. I had to learn how to skirt around "getting a drink" for a first date. I had to learn how to go on a date for the first time sober. I had to learn how to have two jobs and a ridiculous work week without having a drink on Friday or Saturday.
I am not one to sit at home so I had to learn how to go clubbing and to bars sober. I had to learn when and who to go out with that was safe for me. I learned to travel sober, like I went to Paris and had no champagne. I did have copious amount of meat and cheese to make up for it though.

I had to learn how important it was to actually tell people what was going on with me so I didn't want to kill myself daily, literally and figuratively. I have had my heart broken sober and I didn't drown my sorrows in booze. However, I have never drunk dialed an ex so we can count that as a benefit.

You're fucking 20s are hard enough as it is without not being able to have a drink.

and yes I know, I am only 26. So basically I have only been sober my early 20s but honestly, I don't plan on drinking anytime soon, which means I will probably be sober through my late 20s as well.

But don't get me wrong, there benefits to this life too, quite an abundance of them. At 20, I literally could not see a future for myself. All I was constantly looking to do was get to the next party, whenever wherever. Even if it was a month away, that is what I was looking forward to.

Now, at 26, I constantly am practically pinching myself and saying, "can you believe what your life has become." Even my hardest days sober are better than my worst days drinking.

Moving away from where I got sober and the friends I have made in this new life I have, had has been very fucking hard. I chose to do this. To leave my life and what was comfortable in order to push myself to grow, and as fun as this adventure has been it's been really fucking hard.

Over the past year I have felt incredibly existential so many time. My heart lies in Philly but I long for adventure. I expected to come to Colorado and absolutely love it here but honestly, that hasn't been the case at all. It's made me think so much about who I am and ultimately where my place is in this world. I could have stayed comfortable in Philly and never felt these feelings but I keep pushing myself to grow because that is what recovery is.

Shit has happened to me in the past few years that I honestly never thought I would be able to make it through sober. All of my reservations have been broken. A lot of people will tell you, "just because you get sober doesn't mean it gets easier..." I remember telling myself, "If my dog dies, I will probably have a drink." It was such a steadfast thought. And although having both my dogs die a couple months apart broke me down quite a bit, it didn't even cross my mind to have a drink.

Then when I decided to live with one of my oldest and best friends, and watched her eventually kill herself with drugs, I didn't pick anything up.

If anything these lessons I have learned without using have taught me how to survive and thrive, not broken me down.

I think a lot of people are like, "Oh it would be a fight or flight reaction and you don't know how you would act given the situation" I can honestly say my reaction to life is fight.
And if I get nothing out of being sober 5 years, I can honestly say I am fucking proud of that.

I am proud to be as my therapist puts it, "a badass" for being sober this long and learning to fucking fight through the shit.

Recovery is a battle and you are fighting for your life everyday.

The end of that saying is, "just because you get sober doesn't mean it gets easier... but it does get better". And that I fucking know is true.

I have met some of the most incredible people throughout my recovery and formed incredibly deep relationships. Including meeting my best friend Sam. I don't think I will ever truly connect with another human as strongly as I have with her and I am so lucky to have met her on this road.

So yes, getting sober is your 20s is not fucking easy, but it's definitely been worth it.

The 8 Rules of Dating: How to avoid a Fuck Boy.

2016-12-22T01:46:00.001-05:00

A few short years ago I had never been on a date. Then I made a decision to step into the world of dating.

In short, I made the worst decision of my life. Lol jk. However, I have learned and created some important rules that I follow when it comes to dating.
I made a list of dating rules and advice from my friends over a year ago.

No really you should learn from my mistakes...

But as we get older we, hopefully, get wiser and with that comes more advice. This is your revised dating rules.
Since you all love my relationship posts, hopefully this will be a hit for you.
Reading over that past post I wrote it is interesting to see how different my head space was before I knew the harsh cruel reality that the dating world really is.

And honestly, in 2016 it's a whole new game. It's hard to get advice from our parents because their playing field was really different. Even a couple of years ago tinder was NOT what it is now. It's an ever changing landscape at this point. And honestly, it's exhausting. Like eye roll exhaustion...

I am not as bright eyed as bushy tailed as I was when I was like, "Yeah let's try out dating!" Now, as I cruise through bumble most of myself talk is, "You look like an asshole/fuck boy...annd it's a match. You will never commit, you will commit but you're profile picture with your mom is fucking weird...."
I have become a cold hearted bitch when it comes to dating but like any masochist I still do it. And yes of course it's still fun at some points.
No, but on the real, as a strong independent woman, this is all just fun!
Don't put a man in front of yourself and your dreams and goals honey. Go out there and make woman history, men will come and go, but you are beautiful and will do great things on your own no matter what.

With that being said, these are my rules, feel free to adapt at your own leisure-

I know you're excited.

(disclaimer: if you don't agree with my list of rules I am totally not offended and I don't care. Whatever works for you works. This is not elite daily where I am trying to convince you I am completely right when I am totally off base. This is a completely biased post *news flash: the whole blog is* but if you don't agree feel free to utilize the internet to give your advice. This is simply what has worked for me.)

Rule 1.
Don't prioritize the boy. Having done time after time, I have finally learned my lesson. HELLO GAB?! OBVI. Boy or not, whatever you put before yourself, you lose first.
Unless he is literally Prince Charming and has cordially invited you to the ball, there is a slight probability of a chance he will bail. In whatever sense of the word, ie. had something else planned the same time, forgot you had makeshift plans, schedule something else he finds more important, never text you again, or just straight up cancels.
I don't care if you are Meghan Fox, if you are deep in the dating world there will be times you will get cancelled on. So make plans with yourself first and don't be afraid to say "no I'm busy."

2. And you know what, you don't have to be so readily available. If a guy ask you to go out and you have something say, "sorry I have plans, maybe a different day?" That's actually a rule. Don't say yes to the first time he asks you out. You don't have to say no, but like bonus point if you do.
Seriously, no matter how badly you'd like to say yes to his offer to go out for a drink/date the first time he asks, you always play the busy card- but you, "would LOVE to get together next week!"
He needs to view the life you lead as exciting and busy. You don't want to be the girl that waits all day at home waiting for his call- ew, seriously don't even do that IRL.

2. don't make it more dramatic or built up in your head than it needs to be.

If he cancels or you never hear from him again? Screw him. There's like 6 dating apps you could potentially pull together a date for tomorrow from. He's not worth worrying about and clearly it wasn't meant to be. And to be honest it's good you find out before getting emotionally attached.

and to add to that...

3. Don't be needy out of the gate. If he- within reason- needs to reschedule, don't let it seem like it bothers you. If you're one of those girls who's like "I show my crazy from day 1..." I wish you well my friend- but I have tried that cars and it doesn't work for me. Just try to pretend your a little chill, even if you have no chill.

Even if you already have your blow out, your nails done and your peach waxed. Make other plans with your friends and say "no worries!" And fucking mean it.
There is nothing worse than seeming like a stuck up bitch from the gecko.

Speaking of waxed peaches...

4. Ladies- it's so true. Pussy is power.
The longer you can hold out, the longer they are kept around! It's that simple. Biologically, since the cave men days, men are the hunters. Don't let them get it right away or they have nothing to chase.
But like if you're not trying to have him stick around and you need to get laid, do it- and quite frankly then you don't have to hear from him again. We have needs too, fucking duh.
Speaking of sex..

5. So if you're reading this and you're like "Omg Gab this is so not politically correct, it's 2016 women and men have equal rights!" again, fucking duh. But I am just giving you MY dating rules, ok dude? so chill.
I will say this however-- when a woman has sex she has legit chemicals that are released into her brain that make her like super emotionally attached to the guy. Don't believe me fucking read this shit. Men on the other hand are fucking pigs.

6. Ok last thing. Stroke his goddamn ego. *This is the hardest one for me considering I hate most men* But compliment him until you want to gag, without being annoying-- thin line. And if you are on a date, even though he will try to be inquisitive; ask all the questions you can. Because it A. makes you seem hella interested in him and B. like legitimately takes your lust and wonder out of the situation to realize if this is a normal human worthy of any more of your time.

7. Ew and I guess I should include this,
Beeee niiicee Gabbb. It's hard for me to be nice on a daily basis let alone a date.

But like this is my biggest flaw and where I need to learn to soften up, hopefully living in Colorado will teach me the skill of not being an uptight bitch with the sass of an over grown cougar, but only time will tell.

8. Positive things happen to positive people, and positive energy attracts other positive energy, just like water seeks it's own level. When you look at a glass of water, half of the water is not at the bottom and the other half is at the top- it's all in the same spot. Whether the glass is half full or empty- it's all fucking relative.

It's the law of attraction and something I have been aware of forever but am just starting to truly understand. If I am an asshole all the time and a fucking Debbie Downer, trying to pull people down (which I tend to be sometimes) positive people are naturally repelled by me because they don't want to be weighed down by me. Thus never inviting a positive male into my life up until this point. So positive vibes y'all (even though it's fuckin kill me)

Well that's it. 8 simple rules for dating my 20something self.

I have had quite an odd mix of dating experiences. And at the beginning of this post I said that entering the dating world has been the worst decision of my life- y'all I was totally kidding. Dating has been a fucking blast.

There is this moment before I go on dates where I am so nervous I feel like I am going to die (because I have extreme anxiety) but it is in this moment I feel so fucking alive. I can't worry about anything else except what is about to happen in the next couple of seconds and it does literally feel like I can not take anything else but then you know what? I meet the guy and I just have a date, the anxiety subsides and I am back on my two feet.

We can't run from these moments or suppress them with technology. I am so happy to be living the life I live and quite, frankly, single and ready to mingle!

But I will say, we live in a generation where fuccbois run ramped and we can't let white rich males take over everything, including our love lives. Literally though, spot a fuck boy say no boy bai. Not worth any bit of your time.

Just remember you are a kween and should be treated as such.

And if anyone fucks with you just walk away. The world is your oyster 20something females so go and get yours

And remember never fall in love at the Jersey Shore.

Not Him 2016.

2016-11-09T02:48:00.000-05:00

One day my children will ask me where I was and what I was doing on this day...

I was watching CNN and slowly panicking, kids.
Yesterday, I wrote "I don't know what the future holds for me" today I write the same thing in a more dire status.

I am frightened. I am astonished. I am outraged.
"one of the most stunning upsets in America's history"

I have listened and watch CNN for the past several hours as numbers roll across the screen determining the future of america.

I sit here now with a prayer candle lit and a crystal beside me hoping that this election is not over. It is 12:13 MT and the election is still up in the air but it is in favor of Donald Trump, there is no doubt about that.

I haven't recently had much to write about, I also stated in my previous post, but right now my fingers are typing faster than my thoughts are going.

I refuse to live in a world where Donald Trump is president of the United States. I am a 26 year old white female, who works two jobs and still lives at the poverty level because I am a full time volunteer making a government stipend.

I don't just talk about politics because it is fun lively conversation. I sit face to face with America's poverty every day and the people who work so hard to alleviate it. For the past three years this is what I have dedicated my life to... Making America great again. I believe Donald Trump does nothing to make America great and I honestly think he embodies everything that is currently wrong with this country. He talks about how rich greed has taken over the white house, but he is white privilege. He is a two faced bully. He has no political experience whatsoever.

I am so tired of people weighing in on politics who in their day to day lives don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. Or the people who went and helped out one time in Africa so they care about things and are a good person....

Like I said, I'm a 26 year old white woman. I don't have much to fear with the outcome of this election. I don't worry about getting shot, or deported, or having a wall built that blocks me from my family. I do have to worry about men thinking it is ok to degrade women and thinking it's not a big enough deal to not get you elected to president. I am 26 years old and I thought I might get to see the first female president. Now I have to fear being a female which has already caused me so many insecurities that many men will never know or understand. And now my right to choose what happens with my body may get taken away from me to, so I have that to fear as well.

It takes years of hard work to build anything, let alone an empire, but it takes two seconds to knock something down. I have spent 4 and a half years working on not taking a drink of alcohol and one shot of vodka would ruin all of that. Donal Trump is recovery's one shot of vodka.

I don't want this for the children of tomorrow. I don't want this for my god daughter, the girls I babysit, my little cousins, the children at my schools.

It's not fucking funny and it's really serious.
BBC News just said, "Welcome to the Twilight zone."
LIKE DID THE RUSSIANS HACK IN WHAT THE FUCK.

So what's next, we get Mexico to build a wall?

If I am as upset about this as a white female who comes from an upper middle class white family... I can't imagine how the people feel that are deeply affected by this.

I refuse to accept this person as my president. He is everything I am against. I hope I am not alone in my passion for not allowing this person to destroy this great nation.

America I do dabble in tarot cards but let me tell you, I don't need a fucking crystal ball to tell you that shit is about to hit the fucking fan. And honestly, at this point I am ready to go. Per my experience white middle school boys I am really good at discipling and yelling, so if I need to back hand some fellow Americans I accept the challenge.

I Miss you and I Love you

2016-11-07T23:02:00.002-05:00

Truth- I have fallen into a deep dark reality TV hole and it has stopped me from writing.
I am currently watching the Vanderpump Rules Reunion after watching the whole season... Sorry. I'm. Not. Sorry.

but like I am sorry for neglecting my writing.

My two guilty pleasures currently are Bravo TV after work and listening to Sam Hunt while driving to Denver on the weekends....
Who am I?!

Writing is a practiced skilled. If you don't do it everyday it's hard to stay in the habitual motion of getting your thoughts on to paper. I definitely send emails everyday? And I write reports? So like I am writing? But no not really. I definitely know the past year has not been my best in tending to my blog and I hope to do better.

Obviously I do have a lot of things I could be writing about.

The transition from Philly City girl to Rural Northern Colorado country girl has been interesting...
I love it and I hate it.

I love the mountains. I don't have a skyline with tall buildings anymore but on a clear day I can see the snow capped Rocky Mountains perfectly defined, which is uh... pretty fricken cool. I am constantly driving around totally mesmerized.

I live in kind of a weird part of Colorado. I'm in Northern Colorado and it probably isn't the landscape you think of when you think of CO. I don't live in the mountains, I live in straight cow town. It literally wreaks of cow shit on certain days throughout the whole county... Like it's know for being smelly.

It's mostly flat and I live about an hour from any mountains. But it's super cheap to live here and I am in a very central location. About an hr to both Boulder and Denver and 30 minutes to Fort Collins.

Aside from the aesthetics it's been a big change. I know everything about Philly. I can get anywhere on my bike in 15 minutes or less, on my own, without getting lost. I know all the bars and clubs I like to go to and when is the good nights to go to them. I know all the neighborhoods and I have at least one friend in each section. HERE I barely know the layout of my own town, Denver continues to baffle me, and I don't even have a bike anymore. It's not unusual to drive a total of four hours in a weekend.

It's exciting to be exploring a new place. I feel like I've gotten to know my small town well, I can get to the store I need to without a GPS or anything. Some parts of Denver I have a good understanding of whats where but Denver is confusing to me. It's super big and it doesn't need to be. Sometimes I look around and I'm like the only person on the street which is SO BIZARRE to me coming from Philadelphia.

The thing that is probably the most difficult is not living super close to any of my friends anymore. Luckily I moved to a state where I knew I would know a lot of people. I came here on my own and by myself but I have a good amount of friends who live around here which is great. But a lot of the people who live here I hadn't seen in yearsss. I have changed so much in the past four years alone and I know my friends have too so it's like getting to know my friends all over again. But that's going really well and it's been great catching up with everyone.

However, in the past four years I made some fucking awesome friends in Philly and I miss them so so so much. Now I can't only drive to them but I'm not even in the same fucking time zone. It's just difficult. I made the best fucking friends in Philly I CAN.NOT.EVEN

And sometimes it's like really shitty. I have luckily only broken down crying twice at home alone and once at a meeting. I just wish I could have brought all of my friends here with me.

Honestly- Because I haven't been writing a lot lately it's hard to harness what I really want to say about life right now.

Colorado is definitely my next chapter, only time will tell how long I will actually be here and what the future has in store for me.

I think back to three years ago when I was living in my first apartment in Philly, and really my first apartment on my own again. Moving into that apartment I didn't know what was in store for me. I pray and hope I am not in for as much heartache and pain that year brought me. It was a whirlwind.
Life still is a whirlwind but because of all the craziness that has happened in the past few years, this year has been smooth sailing.

Colorado, let's see what you have to offer.

You Can't Be Afraid to Let Love Come Into Your Life #NoRegrets

2016-09-06T02:30:00.002-04:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have so much I could write about me moving to Colorado and running around like a gypsy with her wagon cut off. I haven't stayed home a full day since I got here... But I have more important things to say! DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

I wanna write about something I've been thinking about and what, inevitably, you all read this blog for-- relationship shit.

Or hmmmm, not relationship- not any former relationshits... how about love?

So let me update you on my love life...

From about June- August I had been in this weird purgatory transition place of my life where I was in-between past, present and future.

I was prepping to leave Philly but... I was still living there. And because I was leaving I was actively looking to not get involved with anyone. To be honest with you this was harder than I had anticipated. Not necessarily with love interests but just getting to know people was hard. I was conflicted with do I spend time with someone I just met or do I cling and cherish the time I have with the people I love? I opted to do a bit of both and I'm glad I did. It's important to stay in the moment. If I meet and vibe with someone I am not going to cut off the moment because of what is 'suppose to happen in the future'. I am a big believer in never having nevers. You don't know what tomorrow is going to hand you. I met one of my now best friends in the past couple of months I was in Philly and had I not been open to life I wouldn't have.

Back at the start of the new year I made a resolution to fucking enjoy being single and capitalize on the freedom that comes along with it. While exploring my independence I, uh... decided to move to Colorado!
No regrets.

I am happy moving the way life is guiding me. I feel that it is me and my higher power making these choices and I am lucky enough to have good friends and family that support me.
But so what I am saying is I essentially moved to Colorado to be young and single. Then I was in Philly trying to appreciate being single before that. And well now I have been proactively single for so long I am well... I am fucking lonely.

But it's not like I am just craving physical attention. It's like I just want love.
And it's like I am getting to do all these cool fun awesome things and I almost feel selfish about it. Like I am the only one getting to enjoy this life. I don't want to be married, but it would be really nice to have someone to share things with.
I am really good at being independent. It is a skill I will never lose and of course continue to develop, I really think there isn't anything I can't do alone but sometimes I just don't want to do certain things alone.

I haven't had real feelings/ been big time involved with someone for like three years now... Even saying that a huge sigh escapes from my body. But for the past three years I have been working my ass of. I have been building a beautiful life for myself and getting happier and happier with who I am and more comfortable with who I want to be.
No regrets.

I have, of course, through these past three years learned a lot about myself and about what I want. I have realized that, yes, yes, yes, you need to love yourself. But I have also found that you need to truly and deeply believe that there is love out there for you to receive. More than you are worthy, but that you can achieve. I guess this goes along with the laws of attraction...
But the major thing I have learned about myself is that it is one thing for me to say something and it is another for me to achieve. I am not a surface level person I feel deeply and that feeling that a person exists for me is hard for me to nail down. I guess as they say, fake it until you make it!
Literally my least favorite saying in AA.... And I quote a lot of sayings... Just ask Samantha Morgan... <3 nbsp="" p="">

But I have become more comfortable with myself and being true to who I am. I think there was a time when I hid behind sexuality and society. When I was 16 I still hadn't kissed anyone and a group of my friends forced me to make out with some random guy my age at a dance. It was horrible and disgusting. MAYBE THAT IS WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG. I also lost my virginity in a black out. All of my sexual experiences were things I thought I had to be doing. Not expressions of love in anyway. I always felt there was something I had to live up to. Finally, two years after being sober I took my choices back.
Openly saying what I am looking for right now is connection and some form of love is not scary to me. It's funny because I still feel like I get weird looks sometimes saying that and it clear it makes some people uncomfortable. It's just what I want. And what I now know I deserve.

For so many of the past months I had been actively looking to not get in a relationship and now that I'm in my new space and getting the lay of the land I feel I am just looking at every male I meet like, "maybe your my soulmate?!? "
It's like one extreme to the next... AYE.

A good way of summing up everything I am saying is in raps how some artists are like, "Ya I fucked that bitch made the pussy purple." And then you have rappers Usher and NeYo who are like, "Let me love you."

You can't let society tell you what you want and you can't be afraid to let love come into your life.

There was this guy I had a thing with while I was out getting high yeeeeears back. I had feelings for him like I never had in my life but it was a doomed relationship. Because I was a kid, I was afraid to be in my head and my body. It's so hard for me to look back at relationships because I felt so deeply but I am sure no one ever knew that I was involved with because I had such a hard time speaking for myself.

The blog I wrote a couple of years ago about a break up I had was some of the most honest writing I have ever done in my life and you know what? It helped me to move forward in that direction. Over the past, I'd say two years, I have had some weird and short lived relationships but I have been able to be very clear about that none of it was what I ultimately wanted.

I am still so happy to be carefree and single! And I am so excited about the future I have ahead of me even in the next few weeks. But I am not afraid to say I am looking for love. Whether it's a night of romance or my soul mate love is the goal.

No regrets.

My Biggest Breakup Yet. (and my longest Hiatus)

2016-08-01T01:40:00.002-04:00

You can certainly loose a lot of readers on a blog by not writing for two months...

Hopefully I can redeem myself in the next few weeks by explaining myself. In the words of DJ Khaled, "I'm up to something."

Well, here I am.
Laying in my bed on my computer listening to the spring awakening soundtrack at 2am on a Wednesday. I wish I could capture this freedom and blissfulness of right now and store it in a jar for the anxiety and stress that inevitably will engulf me in the next couple of months... Treasure the good days yabbers because they are far and few and you are lucky to have any at all.

I keep saying oh I have no time to write. I'm so busy..." but the reality of the situation is I literally stay up until about 4am every night fucking around. Like I get done my day by 11pm the latest. So that's like at least 5hrs of fuckery. Instead of just wasting the next two hours on snapchat uploading videos of me as a bee or small woodlen creature in a high pitch voice, I will try to catch you up...

But like it's hard to write when it's forced. Usually it just flows because I have something going on but right now I just have time I'm trying to fill.

Ok here's what the fuck is happening with me: I'm going through a huge break up.

It’s not like most of my break ups where it ends all messy and impulsive where I basically just say, “fuck you I hate you.” It’s much more drawn out and slow. And the other unique thing is, I’m like really in love. It came on unexpected. I didn’t realize it had happen until I decided to leave. I fell really hard. I don’t think I realized it but I was in love for a while. Like most things, I am hoping that if I truly am in love I will be able to come back. You know, “if you love something set it free and see if it returns.”

I am in love with Philadelphia. With northern liberties, fishtown, old city, society hill, washington square, south philly, grad ho, south street, center city… you can keep west philly, but everything else I am not happy about leaving. I don’t want to not have 24/7 access to good cheesesteaks. Do other cities have pizza slices the size of my head? Because I know where to get that at multiple places. My thrift shops, my crystal shops, book shops, brunch spots. Bike lanes, best friends and work friends. I know what bars to go to when, what meetings to bike to every single day. I know how to bike to any part of the city and I know how long it will take. Philly I know sometimes when I'm walking I get a random poop/sewage smell from you but it just makes you feel more alive, like those are just your farts. Everybody farts and we still love them. I will miss the weirdness of Philly because it's different then other "weird cities". Portland, OR is weird like purple hair and pretentious hipsters... Ya, ya, we have that too. Philly is weird like- there is this man, who I can't figure out if he's homeless or not, and he has two little yorkies he walks around with constantly. AND he always is wearing this jean jacket that has the two dogs on it. It's like a magical jean jacket, my words won't do it justice. But I constantly run into this man. I haven't run into my ex a quarter of the times I have ran into this strange homeless? Not homeless? Dog dude.

I’m really scared I will leave and not want to come back.

I'm leaving to move to Colorado in less than two weeks. Part of me feels like I can't believe it's so soon and part of me feels like everyone is constantly talking about me moving so I might as well just have done it already. Someone at a meeting the other day said to me, "Gab are you actually moving to Colorado?" Like fuck you, yes. I just talk about my feelings a lot and I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT THIS and I'm going through a break up.

I don't have to do this. I can be like Kelly Anne in Roadies and not get in the taxi to the airport. But I have to do this, if nothing else than for myself. I have to prove to myself that I have seen the world before coming home. I will end up married at 30 to some guy I don't love stuck in a city I will then hate, if I never leave Philly. I will end up bitter and resentful. So I will risk the short term heartache versus the longterm endless suffering.

I saw a psychic the other day and she told me basically that I should definitely do this Colorado thing but I was going to experience a lot of feelings I hadn't in a long time like loneliness and homesickness.

So... It's now Sunday, the day before I leave.
I guess this post is going to be a saga more than a blurb.

This was the most insane weekend of my life.
Like I have had weekends that have been a lot but this has definitely been on for the books. I experienced every emotion out there. I kissed this city, Philadelphia, good bye- fat on the lips. I had a weekend of love, passion, sadness, pain, happiness, coming and going.

There were like a lot, a lot of tears and it was the definition of bitter sweet. Some things, as much as I wish you could, you just can't capture on paper. Some moments just live in space and time. You don't always get a souvenir but you are left with life changing experiences and memories. Some moments are just... moments.

There is one thing I do have to explain because in retrospect it was incredible. So last night I had a bunch of friends meet me out to dance. I didn't want to do dinner or brunch, I just wanted to dance the night away with the people I love. Today, July 31st, is Samantha Devers birthday, and one year ago she passed away. Well last night after midnight, I found myself surrounded by all these people I rarely see. All of them had know or met Sam at least once and it was weird because they aren't all connected. So to explain, I know Sam from summer camp... like years ago when we were just babies. And all of these people, knew her then too. I don't think anyone else knew that it was her birthday or practically the anniversary of her death but they did all know her. It was so amazing and beautiful to get to be with these people who knew her. It was truly like she was there.

A day doesn't go by I don't think of Sam. I have needed her this year and I know she is with me constantly. I wish I could have known her better and longer and gotten to grow old with her. But she is frozen in time as a beautiful young angel.

I need so much strength to get through this Philadelphia break up and I am so blessed to know my angels are with me. (It is also the anniversary of my Aunt Dana's death which is weird it's the same day....)

Sometimes I just feel like my life isn't real. Like why do I get to live this incredible life? All the snap chats and instagram posts out there can't compete with the life I have and continue to build for myself.

I am grateful for the tears I saw and experienced this weekend because it's amazing to see how much people love me and how deeply I impact people.

A lot of my life I was just floating... I was just existing, not living. When I decided to get sober I thought my life was ending. I distinctively remember thinking that I was done experiencing life and I was just going to be sad and depressed forever. It actually turned out to be the complete and utter opposite. In the past four years my life has turned into something amazingly beautiful. I am so proud of myself. I have experienced more pain then I thought imaginable but through that I have blossomed into an adult. I have experienced every aspect of life more fully than I ever did before. There isn't anything I can't do without a drink and there are now things I can do that I couldn't even do wasted. I am excited and scared for this journey ahead. I know Philly will be here when I want to come back and I know the bonds I have with my friends will last a life time.

Sam did teach me to live my life fully. That the days are short and the years are shorter. I know I have so much to give and so much to live for.

I love you all so much and no matter where I go I will take you with me. I love you all so much. I quoted this early to Samantha, because I love her so much, but it really works with all my seamless friendships-

"Life is tough, friendship should be easy." -Teresa Giudice

Taking Life Slow

2016-05-02T22:30:00.000-04:00

I'm a balls to the walls kinda girl. I don't like to tip toe into the pool. I cannon ball in, literally and figureatively. I feel very uncomfortable wading into things.

I think my make up is just to go all in or not at all. What's the point of getting wet if I'm not gonna get soaked? Why have one drink when I can get plastered in 15 minutes ? Why hangout with someone a couple of times when we both know we just want to have sex?

Ok, let's talk about that last one-

I had dinner with my mom last night and at one point she was just like, " I wish [relationships] weren't so complicated for you." Sigh.

Thanks, me too.

It 100% is because I over analyzed life. I mean, let's be real what aspect of my life, that should be simple have I not complicated? I can't eat food or drink correctly, so when it comes to other people obviously I screw that up a lot...

Now, I'm analyzing the idea of "taking it slow". . .
Even as I write that sentence I'm like, "Du Fuq?"

I just want someone to explain it to me. I don't get it.

My therapist tried to explain it like this-
"Think about a faucet, you want the water running- you don't want it totally shut off- but you don't want it flooding. So you want like a gentle stream."
Metaphors are helpful to me so this makes some sense.

Flooding and turning the faucet off I have done.
A couple of years ago the sink was closed for business. I had a big DO NOT ENTER SIGN and the gates were closed. Let me tell you, no one was getting in. And for good reason, I had my own personal shit to deal with.
But then the gates opened again, and it was just zero to 100 real quick....
*hand palm

Whoops.

And now I have PTSD from last year's string of literal nut jobs... 2015 was by far my worst year men. Or best year with finding the wrong men... Actually that's a total lie. 2008-2012 was just as bad.
I just have the world's track record. Or best track record for picking horrible men.

" I wish [relationships] weren't so complicated for you." Sigh.

So now, I don't know, I'm trying to be more conscious. The first step in correcting any behavior is being self-aware. So recognizing where I have fucked up is the first step...I guess.

I haven't really asked for comments or anything in a long time. Usually I come to a resolution myself through writing about things that baffle me, with this not so much.
If anyone has any way to truly make sense of the topic taking it slow- really in any aspect of life- comment somewhere and let me know. I would love to hear other people's opinions on this topic. Let me hear what you think about this...

BUT... I just had this revelation,

I am so uncomfortable right now in life because I am trying to do this [take it slow] with every aspect of my life.

I am really happy for the first time in a long time because I am slowing the gears down.

The past year my life has been a traumatic roller coaster ride with extremely low lows. And then quick fleeting highs. I haven't fully sustained myself in a while. It's been constant damage control, all the time. I have worked extra hard during the week, 12 hour days, only to go out with my friends dancing until 3-5am on the weekends. I have gone into fight or flight mode- choosing fight, but it's been hard to get out of that routine.

Slowing things down- like everything- might be my solution to my constant search of balance.

Balance isn't something you just instantly achieve. It doesn't just randomly show up, like most things in life. It takes work, effort and maintenance.

And I always know when I am uncomfortable, I am growing.

It's never really dawned on me until just now though, that balance takes effort. I thought balance would just come to me... but that is not the case.

I am taking life slowly. One thing at a time. Life is no longer flight or fight and I don't have to just coast. I can put in effort in everything I do.

As much as I agree that, ""Life is an endless series of train-wrecks with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness." I think there is a possiblity to find peace in the moments of happiness. And by creating moderation for yourself you get longer commercial breaks

And let me tell you it's painful sometimes. Being uncomfortable is so uncomfortable. I want to crawl out of my skin.

I want to send that text, I want to spend all of my money right away, I want to fill every ounce of my time with doing things, I want to travel and I don't want to leave.

I WANNA DO IT ALL.

But that's not the pace we are going at.

Don't pigeon hole yourself, is my biggest take away. Take a step back, realize the bigger picture and retract your impulses.

Hey, Yab? It sounds like your growing onwards and upwards.

click it.

I'm Moving. Literally.

2016-04-18T22:59:00.002-04:00

Right now is one of those times that the only way I can make sense of my life is by sitting down and writing about it.

Recently a lot of the times my life hasn't made sense is because of things that have happened at me. My friend dying, my dogs dying, life just happens sometimes. Usually it's a series of mishaps. This situation is different. I have entirely created this situation for myself.

And for the first time in a long time, it's not a bad decision I have made. Well... maybe I have made a couple of good decision in the past years, but I've also fucked up a number of times.

So, I'm currently in my second year of AmeriCorps and I had been applying for full-time jobs for when my term of service is up- in July, with no avail. I applied to seriously so many jobs I lost count and I barely heard back from any of them. I finally came across another AmeriCorps position by accident and my initial reaction was, "fuck no. Not again."

I love helping people but I hate not getting paid lots of money. Such is the struggle with life, right? You're either in a job that's stressful that you hate and you're making a ton of money- but you're always stressed. Or you're in a job you love that gives you purpose and you don't get paid enough- and you're always stressed about the paycheck. It's really tough to find the middle ground.

But then I started thinking... AmeriCorps helps to pay relocation fees. So they pay to help you move...

I have always hated Philly. I grew up in the suburbs but I was in the city a lot, my dad lived in Fairmount when I was a kid so I did grow up a lot around the city. Nothing is more fucking annoying to me then when people try to tell me where I'm from. I know Philadelphia and all of the surrounding suburbs like the back of my hand. I went to high school 30mins from my house and I went to an all girls catholic school so by association I know all the other all girls and all boys catholic school kids from the suburbs class of '09.

I went to summer camp with all the kids from the mainline so I know those schools and I know of all those kids circa 2009. My dad also lived around there so I grew up around there as well. Now half of my friends went to Abington High School so I know a bunch of those kids too. The list goes on...

I'm a wanderlust even in my own town.

And let me tell you- a lot of people never leave Philly.

I think I'm an optimist with a negative attitude. I like to think the best of situations but I also have a constant negative outlook on things. Some people would be like NOOO you're so bubbly and happy go lucky!! But my best friends know I'm a fucking Bitch. Capital B.

So naturally, I've always wanted to get away from here. I had that hometown itch from a young age. I actually use to wish I grew up in Louisiana back roads or something so it made sense for me to want to get away from home, very Sweethome Alabama.

So I left.

I went to VT, I made friends and I lost my mind.

Then I came home.

Coming back to Philly was the antithesis of my being. I wanted nothing to do with this town. I also wanted to die, I was extremely depressed and well... I was getting sober.

Sometimes on anniversaries people say Happy Birthday because when you choose to get sober you choose a new life, wether it's conscious or not. In making that choice, I began to start to create a new version of Philadelphia.

Over the past four years I have made the best friends and managed, with some help, to create a life for myself that is beyond anything I ever thought I could.

But the idea of leaving Philly has always still been in my head because it was planted there a long time ago.

So back to AmeriCorps...

On a fluke I applied for a VISTA Leadership position in Greeley, CO. Why not? I thought if nothing else it would be informational. I heard back from them the next day and was offered the position about a week later.

I have always wanted to go to Colorado next. Why? I don't know. I wanted to go to New York originally but not anymore. There's too many people and it makes you an angry person. I want to feel more alive, not more stressed out. All my friends from VT who have moved to CO seem to love their lives.

So....I accepted the CO position. And now I am moving to Colorado.

Like what the fuck.

Now, I've had this revelation. After the shock that I'm moving in settled in, which happened about two weeks later aka 20 minutes ago. I realized... I do not hate Philadelphia. In fact I love it. And it's not because it's where I'm from but it's because I have finally, after 25 years, have made it my home.

GREAT... great timing to realize this...

I love my friends that I have made here. I love the kind of people in Philadelphia. I love the food. I fucking love my friends. I love biking around this city, I know where the hills are and the short cuts and how long it will take me to get anywhere. I love the family I babysit for. I love being close to my family. I love knowing everyone here- and that was something I hated.

I'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN TO COLORADO AND NOW I'M MOVING THERE.

Oh OH OH and on top of realizing this, a guy- an actual guy I didn't meet on the internet, who seems like a decent-not-a-complete-asshole is actually interested in me right now. This hasn't happened in like two years... probably for reason I have created...

And like that would be so typical of my life that some tragic love story forms and I leave for Colorado...

Per usual I'm getting ahead of myself, because like I said he's just interested, but still- it gives me something else to stress about...

Like what the fuck.

I'm really scared. Change is hard and scary.

But I know I need to do this. I know I will become resentful of everyone and everything in Philly if I don't do this for myself now. And if it's horrible I can come home. But I have to follow what I want.

I wrote this for myself a little while ago,

"Trust yourself and love yourself enough to go somewhere new. You have never in your life lost your true friends. You know who you will lose and who you will gain. You are strong, smart and have the heart of a traveling gypsy and you must go. Don’t get stuck in Philly. Think about how small philly is compared to the universe and think about the small amount of this universe you get to explore."

I wrote that before I even applied for this position. I have to do this. You can't be Lauren, you always go to Paris.

To my friends, I will never leave. I will come back. A year is a small blip of time in our lives. One of my best qualities is that I can stay in touch with people. I love you so much and I look forward to you visiting me and telling you of my travels.

You are such big parts of my life and I could never really leave you.

SAMANTHA MORGAN YOU ARE MY BAE AND I LOOK FORWARD TO YOU VISITING ME WITH SOPH. LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

Also I'm not leaving Philly until like late July- August so everyone calm down.