F.O.T.D. Digest

FOTD Exclusive: T.I. POPPED MY CHERRY!!

2011-10-27T23:15:00.000-07:00

Whether you are a random Facebook friend, you follow me on Twitter or you know me in real life, you know two things about me... 1) I am a super fan of all things Clifford Joseph Harris, Jr. aka Tip aka T.I. aka The Kaaaang Bitch, and 2) I believe with every ounce of my being that I deserve SPECIAL TREATMENT where ever I may go and most of the time I get it. Now, imagine the combined feeling of

ORAL SEX WITHOUT THE MOUTH? HOW DOES THAT WORK?

2011-01-18T15:36:00.000-08:00

(*Deep Sigh*) One of my girlfriends text me this morning, saying "Call me on your way to work! Fuckery of the Day!" I could tell by the exclamation points and the fact that the text came around 6 AM, that I didn't want to miss this. With her permission I am sharing the hilarity of her fuckery laden sexual experience...or lack there of. As you know I don't share real names or truly identifying

SATAN GETS BUSY IN CHURCH PARKING LOT!

2011-01-13T11:02:00.000-08:00

I'm going to stop apologizing for the lapses in time between my posts because this shit is just far TOO HARD to do every day when you have a real life to live. You know my heart. Moving on... I went to church with a friend on First Sunday because I wanted to start the year off right, with a little Jesus... Lord knows I need him! As we pulled into the parking garage and began searching for a

MUSIC AND MAYHEM: No Hands (Acoustic Cover)

2010-12-13T09:26:00.000-08:00

I already know what you're about to say...Where the hell have you been Tiffany Darling?? Well, I love you guys and I'm trying to be more consistent, but sometimes I get swamped with my real life. Don't judge me.Nevertheless, I am back with a little Holiday Cheer! So Danny Vola of YouTube fame decided to do a an acoustic cover of Waka Flocka Flame's "No Hands" and it is nothing short of

NOTHING LIKE A QB MELT DOWN WITH A CHERRY ON TOP!

2010-11-30T11:04:00.000-08:00

Whether you care or not about professional football, you know that press conference meltdowns are where all the fun is!! This little gem comes compliments of Arizona Cardinals Quarterback Derek Anderson after last nights 21 point loss to the San Francisco 49ers (Yes...they still have a team). Anderson was apparently caught on camera laughing with teammate Deuce Lutui during the 4th quarter when

"I THOUGHT ABOUT DOING NINJA STUFF TO HIM"

2010-11-23T11:58:00.000-08:00

THIS IMBECILE... apparently broke into to a 70-year-old woman's house in Akron, Ohio, ransacked the place, then burst in on her while she was uhhh...letting her metabolism work its magic...demanding drugs and cash.....all while wearing a clown mask!!! But what's funnier is the old lady--who doesn't appear to be the least bit phased--offers him blood pressure medication and sleeping pills to

CONVERSATIONS WITH A SMARTASS: What Not to Wear

2010-11-22T10:18:00.000-08:00

The Facts My office is in a 12 story building with 3 parking levels. Our mailroom happens to be on one of the parking levels in garage (<--remember this important fact). Our mail is delivered anywhere between the hours of 2:00 pm and never (recssionary flow). The Fuckery Sir File Clerk goes to check the mail around 3:30 pm and comes back with the mail and....waaaaaait for it....SUNGLASSES on.

I KILLED YOUR PET...A LOVE STORY!!

2010-11-18T15:14:00.000-08:00

The Background So my friend authorized me to share this story with all of you. I've decided that I actually like her writing style so instead of giving you my version of...I'm going to bless you with a simple cut and paste! The Fuckery (as told by a fellow Darling) I get home and the house is a MESS. Sh*t thrown in every which direction, tools scattered on the floor, and then I notice him at

MUSIC AND MAYHEM: "DON'T LOOK ANY FURTHER"

2010-11-15T12:25:00.000-08:00

Below is the video for one my fave old school jams: "Don't Look Any Further" by Dennis Edwards featuring Siedah Garrett. I know you're wondering what possible f*ckery could exist in a video for 1984?? Since you asked.... Never mind the the gum chewing, or his perfectly constructed eyebrows, or the raw unfiltered emotion in their eyes, or the standard "City Lights" backdrop, or the pelvic

HILARIOUSLY SAD: RACIST GOES POSTAL ON POSTMAN!

2010-11-12T12:53:00.000-08:00

What do you get when you combine a certified letter, a racist woman, a postal worker, strippers and pizza? Fuckery. Of. The. Day....of course So apparently "Joe the Postman" delivered a certified letter to a woman in Hingham, Massachusets. The woman signed for the letter and then decided that she might be getting served made a mistake and tries to return the letter to the postal worker because

BREAKING NEWS: GEORGE BUSH IS A LIAR...

2010-11-10T13:05:00.000-08:00

...well it's not really breaking news to most of us, but now that former German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder is speaking out against statements made in Bush's new novel memoir (which just hit the shelves yesterday), W's fictitious versions of the truth seem to be making headlines once again. Apparently somewhere in this bound fabrication book, the former drug addict/alcoholic president recounts

6 MILLION WAYS TO DIE: OUT ON A LIMB FOR SOME T&A

2010-11-09T12:01:00.000-08:00

It is with great sorrow & laughter that I bring you this news... Anthony Washington was found dead under a tree near the Playboy Mansion on Friday. Mansion reps confirmed that Washington had asked for entry earlier that day, but was denied. Apparently, Washington then attempted to climb a tree on the perimeter of the Holmby Hills property and fell to his death. Police confirmed that a large

CONVERSATIONS WITH A SMARTASS: Sleeping Alot

2010-11-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

I am often accused of being a "smartass" or "mouthy"....I personally believe that these terms carry a negative connotation that don't really match the Southern Darling that is ...well...ME. I think quick wit is more appropriate. In real life, I ask the questions and make the statements that everyone else is thinking. I guess I'm fearless, in that way...Nonetheless, for ease of use and to

IF I WERE RANDY MOSS I WOULD...

2010-11-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

PUNCH GUS TINUCCI IN THE FACE! In case you missed...Gus Tinucci, co-owner of Tinucci Restaurant, catered the Minnesota Vikings Team lunch on Friday...before the Sunday's game where Moss apparently "didnt do so well"...before Monday's announcement that the Vikings were waiving Moss...before Tuesday's announcement that Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care! This Tinucci character is running aaaaaall

CAFFEINE IS THE NEW COCAINE...MAN DIES OF OVERDOSE

2010-11-02T10:33:00.000-07:00

THE INTRODUCTION Let me preface the following by saying that death is never a laughing matter, and my condolences to his grieving family buuuut....in real life this story is complete with all types f*ckery. By now, you've all heard the reports about alcohol being the most dangerous drug on the planet, ranking high above heroin and crack. Well apparently, they forgot to add caffeine to the list

FACEBOOK SHENANIGANS: HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH + FB CHAT = FOOLISHNESS

2010-11-01T11:31:00.000-07:00

Since I've been on Facebook, several guys from high school and college have confessed to having a crush on me years ago...this is often followed by a request to come visit me. REQUEST DENIED. When I share these stories, people often think I'm exaggerating because the dialogue is sooo absurd....Well I took the liberty of copying a real conversation for your reading pleasure. Notes: -I have

MUSIC and MAYHEM: FRIED or FERTILIZED

2010-10-29T14:29:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, I have a very high tolerance for ignorance, but this video exceeds all levels of f-ckery. I won't even bore you with an introduction...here's a sample of the lyrics:When I say fried, I'm talking breakfast eggsBut when I fertilize, those (are) the eggs between your legsShe begin to blushI heard her coochie whistle I just can't...but for those who can: Like to hear it? Here it

MUSIC AND MAYHEM: THAT DOESNT MAKE YOU A MODEL

2010-10-27T09:50:00.000-07:00

There are so many levels of WRONG captured above that my heart aches. Are you as sick of the "Facebook Models" as I am?? Let me tell you ALL something: Just because you have a swimsuit and your friend has a camera, it does not mean that you qualify for the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. In real life, you should just get a sharp object and stick yourself! And I'm not the only

I'LL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN...AND OTHER DRUNKEN THREATS

2010-10-26T09:15:00.000-07:00

SETTING: So I'm sitting at happy hour with a friend who's "going through some things". I'm giving good advice, as usual, when we are interrupted by this random chubby, fifty-something, not gonna make it guy sitting next to me. He says something about my friend and I having a bad day...we go back and forth about that and then he offers to buy a round of drinks...suuure, no problem. A group

FRENCH THINGS USUALLY TURN ME ON...NOT THIS ONE

2010-09-07T11:43:00.000-07:00

Several of my loyal readers have asked why I haven't done any recent posts involving my personal life. Well, fortunately (or unfortunately), I have managed to avoid personal life fuckery...until now. BACKGROUND: Back in February, I met this French-African guy named...well let's call him Garçon (pun intended). Initially, I was taken by the fact that he was intelligent, world travelled, and

MULTI-TASKER OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO...

2010-09-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

...COLONDRA HAMILTON. I've said it before and I will say it again: Women are the best multi-taskers EVER!! Police were shocked when they pulled over a car being driven by this Beauty-All-Aglow to your right. Officers found Ms. Hamilton in the driver's seat with her panties down and sex toy in her lap. She later admitted to masturbating, while watching a porn on a laptop (being held by her

IN ADDITION TO MAKING YOU FAT, FAST FOOD MAKES YOU CRAZY

2010-08-18T17:00:00.000-07:00

Remember when the two girls attacked Wendy's employees in Florida because they didn't give them the extra condiments they asked for? Well Wendy's isn't the only burger joint suffering from fried food f*ckery. McDonald's employees in Ohio felt the wrath of one, Melodi Dushane, in the early hours of New Year's Eve 2010, when employees told Ms. Dushane that it was too early in the morning for

5 REASONS WHY DAN GILBERT SHOULD STFU!!

2010-07-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

Several of my loyal readers have been following the F*ckery Conglomeration that is the fallout of NBA star LeBron James' Decision to leave the Cleveland Cavaliers for the Miami Heat and inquired why I have yet to provide commentary on the subject. Well upon much consideration. I've prepared my own open letter to Dan Gilbert. YOU WANT IT?? HERE IT GOES! Dear Dan, Let me start by saying that

MAN GIRDLES! GET YOUR MAN GIRDLES HERE!

2010-07-07T00:36:00.000-07:00

This commercial is so hilarious on so many levels. My faves are the guy who claims that the Slim T helped him get a job and the guy who claims that he originally got it for "back support"...really?? As if men haven't already taken enough of women's secrets [hair extensions (I see you Bret Michaels); face lifts (a la Micky Rourke); thongs; etc.], now comes girdles for men in the form of Slim

AL GREENE WINS ELECTION IN SOUTH CAROLINA!

2010-06-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

Once again, f*ckery is afoot in the great Confederate Palmetto State, South Carolina. Alvin Greene (aka the real life John Coffey), an unemployed, 32-year-old military veteran, currently facing felony obscenity charges emerged from the depths of Manning, SC (population 3,950) to win the Democratic Senate Primary, much to everyone's (including his constituents') shock and dismay. In a major upset