Fucking Badass Recipe Box

Fucking Badass Sangria

2012-08-05T10:10:00.001-07:00

Ingredients
1 standard size bottle of Merlot
Sweet and sour mix
Sugar
1 Mango
Lemons
Limes
1 Orange
Cherries (in a jar)
Can of crushed pineapple
Sprite

Sangria. It means bloody in Spanish. It's also incredibly fucking tasty. Every year I have a "cocktail of summer" (last year it was the mojito) and, while sangria isn't really a cocktail, it's the selection for this year. It's my fucking tradition, so I do what I want.
Sangria is pretty simple, actually: red wine (or white wine if you're making sangria blanco), fresh fruit, something to add a bit of sweetness, and either brandy or soda. So long as you stick with this simple formula, you can really do whatever you want. Want to use kiwis, grapefruit, and tangerines? Go for it. Honey to sweeten? Shine on you crazy fucking diamond. It's so simple that it must have been invented by drunk people. Like, legitimately drunk people. Just sitting around the hacienda one day, completely shit housed, and someone says, "Dude, let's take all the wine... mix it with all the fruit... some other shit from the cabinet... then, like, fuckin' let it sit there for a while." Drunk brilliance is really the best kind of brilliance.

Why not Just Buy a Bottle of Sangria?
Because fuck you, that's why. Also, homemade sangria tastes ten times better than sangria from a bottle. Not to say I haven't bought a bottle or two in my time, but when I can make it from scratch, I do. Here's my recipe.

Preparation
1) Prep really starts out with selecting your wine. Schools of thought differ here... some people say buy the cheapest bottle you can, some say buy the best. I say buy whatever you already like to drink. If you like it alone, you'll fucking love it as sangria.
Open and pour your entire bottle of Merlot into a pitcher.

Now, prep your fresh fruit. Half the limes and lemon...

...and fruit murder them into your pitcher. Then, toss the spent rind in there, too. Like I said, drunk people invented this. Trash goes in.

Now, quarter your orange and do the same.

Cut your mango into rather thin slices and drop them in as well. Don't bother trying to squeeze them, idiot. It's a fucking mango.

We're done here.

2) Now for the other ingredients: Toss in about 2 tablespoons of sugar. I use confectioners sugar, though granulated works fine (just be sure to sir well).

Then hit it with a shot of sweet and sour mix. Maybe a quarter cup.

Finally, empty in your entire can of pineapple, several cherries, and a shot of juice from the cherry jar.

Give that bitch a good stir...

and toss it in the fridge next to your beer and let it sit overnight. That gives you time to sober up.

3) Now that everything is nice and acquainted, you're almost ready to serve.

First, remove the large pieces of fruit. You'll notice that they now resemble alien entrails. This is good. Now is when you make a choice... do you strain it or serve it rawdog? I like to remove everything but the mango and add in some fresh lemon wedges.

Once you've strained (or not), throw in 2.5 cups of Sprite (or a cup of brandy, if you want it more alcoholic).

Stir, serve, and enjoy.

Godzilla Egg Rolls

2012-03-04T14:35:00.000-08:00

Ingredients
Egg roll wrappers (standard size)
Cabbage coleslaw mix
Raw spinach
Ground chicken
One Egg
General tso chicken spice mix
Ground ginger
Sriracha
Peanut oil
Hosin sauce (optional)

Godzilla rape face

It isn't accurate to call most Chinese food Chinese. Most of the shit you're familiar with is actually American. General Tso's chicken, sweet and sour pork, crab rangoon, fortune cookies... all have their roots in the US. Hell, even the little white Chinese food cartons are American. Most American's know absolutely dick about Chinese cuisine... and, frankly, I'm not here to change that. Maybe later.
Egg rolls are small, deep fried rolls traditionally stuffed with cabbage, pork, and other shit. They're usually eaten as an appetizer. My egg rolls are made with a specially prepared ground chicken, cabbage mix, and spinach. And they're four times the size of normal egg rolls. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. They're named after my favorite Chinese actor... Gojirra, or as you round eyes call him, Godzilla.
Note: If you're looking to make normal sized (commonly called "pussy") egg rolls, you can do that too. But I'll think less of you.

So, what the fuck are CHINESE egg rolls?
If you're in China and you order an egg roll, you'll probably get a sweet pastry also called a "love letter". They're little, decorated flute-shaped rolls that are dipped into various dessert/sex condiments like chocolate sauce, strawberries, e.t.c.). The closest to an egg roll the Chinese get are various spring rolls, which is a nice, broad term for rolled appetizers.

Preparation
1) In a zip lock bag, combine about half a cup of soy sauce, one and a half tablespoons of ground ginger, and a few blasts of sriracha. Using a broad spatula, toss in your pound of ground chicken, seal the bag, mix that bitch up, and let it marinate in the fridge for about a half hour.

2) Once you're all marinated, put a pan on the stove over medium high heat. Toss in some nonstick spray and get the pan nice and hot. Drain the ground chicken and scoop it into the pan. Your hands work best here, as the chicken has a tendency to get soft.

Let it cook for a bit until most of the pink is gone, then give it a light dusting of the general tso's spice mix. Chinese 5 spice works well here, too... but it's kind of a bitch to find. You shouldn't need to use the entire package.

Mix it up and continue cooking until done, about 8-10 minute total. It should be firm but with a slightly sticky quality. Toss your chicken into a large mixing bowl.

3) In a different pan (or the same one after you scrub all the chicken leavings out) drop in about a teaspoon of peanut oil. Turn it on high and let it get extremely hot.

Once your oil heats up, throw in three hand fulls of your cabbage mix. I like to use the kind with carrots, red, and white cabbage. With a fork or tongs, keep the cabbage moving around the pan without stopping. That's why they call it stir frying, idiot.

After 3 or 4 minutes, your vegetables should have become nice and soft. Don't cook it so long that your carrots and red cabbage loose their color.

A bit of browning on the white cabbage and you'll know you're done. Remove the vegetable mixture into your mixing bowl, atop your chicken.

4) Now you're going to repeat step three with your spinach. Two handfuls will do. The spinach is done in less than 30 seconds, wilting almost immediately. Keep everything moving and don't over cook.

Toss your spinach into your mixing bowl on top of your other vegetables. Mix it all together and set aside.

5) Now we need to set up our big fucking egg roll wrapper. Line a cabinet with wax paper and whisk one egg into a bowl. Begin by laying out one sheet and, using a pastry or basting brush, applying the egg wash to the right side. Lay another sheet over the edge of the first sheet, covering the egg wash as you see below. Apply more egg to the combined tops of the two sheets.

Lay another sheet on the left, like before. Apply your egg to its right side, then finish off your egg roll quilt with a final sheet. Apply one final sweep of egg over the top, which will seal the wrap once rolled.

6) Now, we need to roll. Apply a generous portion of your filling to the egg roll wrapper like so.

Then, using the WAX PAPER (not the wrapper, because you'll probably pull it apart like a big, dumb asshole), roll it over the filling. Carefully fold the sides over it like an envelope, making sure to fold all the way down.

Now, just roll it from the bottom until you get to the edge, and press to seal. As you can see, they hold together beautifully.

7) Now we're at the part that you can easily fuck up, so pay attention. Add peanut oil to your pan, enough to nicely cover a little less than half the height of your egg rolls (or about 2 cups, give or take, depending on the size of your pan). Put it on the stove and let it heat up completely. Somewhere between medium-high and high should do the trick. It's easy to test your oil... just tear off a piece of egg roll wrapper and toss it in. When your oil is ready, it will turn the scrap of wrapper white, bubbles with form on the outside, and it'll harden in less than 10 seconds.

When your oil is hot enough, you can insert your egg rolls. This can be a delicate procedure... I suggest using tongs and your hand, gripping each end, and carefully laying them down into the oil.

The wrapper will get nice and brown in under a minute... just watch the sides as a guide. Flip VERY carefully or risk burning your house down. Tongs are essential here... don't use a spatula.

When your egg rolls are done, transfer them to a wire rack or a plate with a paper towel to drain all the excess grease.

If, for some reason, you'd like to make small egg rolls, (to use the rest of your filling, perhaps) it's simple. Just set your wrappers up like so, using a very small amount of filling, and wrap as before. Then go put on a dress and watch The Notebook because you're clearly a teenage girl.

I've made a few standard-size, pussy egg rolls for comparison purposes only. Look as they cower before the might of the Godzilla egg roll, which is not only huge but delicious. Plate, serve, and enjoy.

Fucking Badass Guide to Useless Kitchen Gadgets (part 1)

2012-02-13T11:31:00.000-08:00

In a world with a surplus of idiots, virtually any damn thing you offer for sale, someone is going to buy it. This cornerstone of capitalism is seen no where better than the kitchen gadget industry. There are so many ridiculously moronic kitchen gadgets for sale that it's almost like a performance art piece. No task is too insignificant or simple for some fuckstick to invent a doo-dad to help you with it. Here are four of the most mind numbing.
I'm providing a link to their individual Amazon pages solely for morbid curiosity and to prove that I didn't make this shit up. Obviously, I don't endorse these fucking things or want you to buy them. Also, if you already own any of this shit, please kill yourself.

Norpro 121 Grip EZ Jalapeno Corer
Just look at this fucking thing. The number of times you'll need to core a goddamn jalapeno in your life is likely between "never" and "fucking never". But, say you find yourself making stuffed jalapenos and, unlike the rest of Earth's population, you don't just cut them length-wise. You need a full jalapeno pepper, goddamnit! In that case... a pairing knife and twenty seconds will clear 99% of the seeds and core. In this situation, are you REALLY concerned about missing a seed or two? If you're really that put off by spicy foods, then you probably shouldn't eat stuffed jalapenos, asshole.

Jelly Knife
There are, admittedly, a lot of things you might need a specific knife for. Cutting a steak, fileting a fish, peeling an apple, killing a hooker... jelly, however, barely needs it's own fucking JAR let along a dedicated knife. Haven't these dumbasses heard of a butter knife? Or, for you jelly fetishists out there, a spoon? Oh, but it's not just convenient for spreading jelly. One of the selling points is a "unique shape [that] reaches under the lip, on the sides and in the corners of containers." If you're that fucking concerned with the microscopic jelly particles left in the jar when you throw it away, do us all a favor and just shatter that fucker between two pieces of bread and have at it. Be sure to chew thirty two times before swallowing.

Chef'n StemGem Strawberry Stem Remover
No one has ever uttered this sentence: "These strawberries are great, but pulling the tops off of them is such a CHORE." Despite that, this fucking thing still exists. The easiest way to tell that a product is a useless piece of shit is to read its list of features. The faster they get to features that aren't actually features, the shittier the product. For example, after ease of use we get: "Easy-to-spot design makes the tool easy to find in a drawer of other kitchen tools". What the fuck does that even mean? Unless this thing is capable of climbing out of the drawer and into your hand, the fact that it's a thing that you can see is not a feature.

Norpro Ice Cream Sandwich Maker
This thing just fucking baffles me. At first glance, you might thinks it's intended to make the bread part of an ice cream sandwich, which would actually be handy. However, it's really just a small plastic box that you're supposed to construct an ice cream sandwich IN. You apparently provide the bread yourself, though it has a "built-it sandwich cutter"... by which it looks like they're referring to the sides of the plastic box. I am speechless. It's like someone built this thing without a purpose in mind, then gave it to someone else and said, "Find a way to get idiots to pay money for this little box." and ice cream sandwich maker is all they could come up with. Also, note that this is our second Norpro device. It might be too early to say, but we may have just come across the absolute dumbest company in history.

Part two coming whenever I feel like it.

Pineapple 7Fuck-You-Up Cocktail

2012-02-01T10:32:00.000-08:00

Ingredients
Orange Juice
Fresh pineapple
7Up
Ice
Gin
Highball glass

As I mentioned in the recipe for Caribbean-style pulled pork, I invented a cocktail while waiting for the pork to cook, using only ingredients in that recipe with the addition of some gin. My good friend Chelsie, the author of Three Ring Mom, coined the name.
This is sort of a take on an old gin cocktail called an orange blossom, with a nice little pineappley, drunk guy surprise at the end.

Preparation
1. Cut a slice of fresh pineapple (about the same size as in the pulled pork recipe). From this slice of pineapple, you'll want to cut out the heart. Make sure it's about the same size as the bottom of your glass, though a tad bigger) The fact that my slice is actually heart shaped was unintentional.

Once you have your pineapple heart, shove it into the bottom of the glass.

2. Fill your glass with ice. Add 1 ounce of gin.

Atop that, add about 1 ounce of orange juice

Fill the remainder of the glass with 7Up. Stir. While you stir, jab at the the pineapple in the bottom of the glass.

Once you finish your drink, the pineapple chunk at the bottom will be infused with gin and orange juice, making it the best slice of pineapple in the world. Eat it. Do not operate heavy machinery.

Caribbean-Style Pulled Pork

2012-01-29T09:45:00.000-08:00

Ingredients
Boneless pork roast (2-2.5 pounds, which is pretty standard)
Fresh, whole pineapple
Sriracha sauce
7Up
Allspice
Red pepper
Orange juice
Barbecue sauce (choose a less sweet variety)
Bread of some kind

"Here is your pig, el Presidente."

I'd like to talk a little bit about cruises. Cruises fucking suck. I'm not going to spend three grand to ride around on some massive floating hotel with a bunch of random assholes only to be dumped into various island paradises and told when I need to be back at the boat like some fucking teenage Mormon girl being sent to the prom with her brother. Fuck that. If I go on vacation, I'm the goddamn boss. I go where I want, when I want. I'm gonna eat food off the street, not in some Americanized clone hotel probably built over some sacred native graveyard. If there's a revolution, I don't want to be stuck inside a shining beacon of greed and capitalism... I wanna be in the streets looting, rioting, and killing foreign police officers like Liam Neeson in Taken.
Once I've lead this glorious revolution and have been installed el Presidente for life, I'll make this the official dish of my new country, which will be called Motherfuckistan. This is an original recipe that, like my hundreds of illegitimate children, is a nice blend of Caribbean and American: Southern pulled pork, pineapple, and a mock jerk spice using traditional island spices (allspice) and peppers (sriracha). Also, 7Up. Why? Because fuck you, that's why.
The finished pork has a fucking incredible sweetness with a hint of heat that, honestly, you don't really even NEED barbecue sauce on. Feel free to toss it on some flat bread, add some sautéed peppers, cheese, and a bit more sriracha and you're good to go. If you do go with barbecue sauce, find one that's not overly sweet. But first, a bit more from the islands:

What the Fuck is Jerk Spice?

Jerking is a method of cooking most closely associated with the island of Jamaica. You see it most commonly done on grills made out of oil drums, cooking chicken or pork with a blend of traditional and extremely hot spices. The two key components of jerk spice are allspice (which Jamaicans call pimento) and scotch bonnet peppers. Allspice was once thought to only grow on the island, and was named by the English who thought it smelled like a combination of many spices, proving there truly is nothing that the English can't fuck up. Today, in America at least, we use a lot of allspice at Christmas, which might be making you think twice about this recipe. Let me allay your fears. Also, don't you EVER question me again. EVER.

Preparation
1. Remove your pork roast from the package and place it on your cutting board. Cover it liberally with red pepper, allspice, and sriracha and work it into the meat with your hands... and don't be a pussy. Really get in there.

Flip your meat and do the same on the other side. Be sure to get the sides, top, and bottom of your meat as well.

Once you're nice and seasoned, toss it into your slow cooker. A smaller 3-quart slow cooker works best here. If you've done this right, your hands should look like you just beat a man to death for looking at you wrong in a bar. After you wash away the evidence, you'll want to add your 7Up until it almost covers the pork entirely. This should take about 3/4s of a can. Then, hit it with a splash of orange juice. Set aside your remaining ingredients so we can get drunk. More on that later. Flip the cooker to low.

2. Remove the stem from your fresh pineapple. You can just torque that little bastard off there with your bare hands. Toss your pineapple on a DIFFERENT cutting board. If you cut your pineapple on the same board you used for your pork, I'm going to punch you in the face.

There's really no art to slicing pineapple. Just go at it. We're going to want two slices about this size.

Remove your pineapple from the rind and cut it into strips about the size of steak fries.

Add your pineapple fries to your pork. You should be able to slide them down around it like tent stakes.

3. Now, cover that beast and let it cook on low for 6 hours. Don't fuck with it... just let it work. While you wait, this is an opportune time to get hammered. I've created a cocktail using some of the ingredients from this recipe, called the Pineapple 7Fuck-You-Up cocktail.

About half-way through the cooking process, your pork has shrunk and smells good.

4. After 6 hours in the slow cooker, remove your pork to a large mixing bowl.

Shred it using your fork. You'll need to pull it apart with your fingers to get at the largest chunks. If you're a pussy, you might want to wear gloves, as the pork will be slightly warm. Also, a dress and some sensible shoes couldn't hurt.

Once you're all separated, toss in some red pepper...

and add it all back into your slow cooker. Hit the whole thing with some more sririacha and stir.

Re-cover your slow cooker and let it cook for another hour.

5. After another hour in the slow cooker, strain your pork. Feel free to leave the chunks of pineapple in for a while as you serve, though you'll want to remove them if you're storing any leftovers.

Toast up some buns, toss on your pork, and hit it with your sauce. Eat and enjoy.

Chicken Verde and Black Bean "Hangman's" Burritos

2012-01-22T18:28:00.000-08:00

Ingredients
Black Beans
Mexican or spicy tomato sauce (look for it, asshole)
Chicken thighs (boneless, skinless)
Flour tortillas
Chili powder
Red pepper
Cumin
Dried onion flakes
Salt
Tomatoes, sour cream, yadda yadda, you know the drill

As teachers do, I sometimes like to take three months or so off to reflect, relax, and get fucking blasted on whiskey and cheap prostitutes. If you didn't appreciate my absence, ~~I sincerely apologize~~ go fuck yourself.

Back in the depths of summer, I posted a variation burrito based on a simple and insanely tasty black bean mixture that I'd posted about that previous December. This is a lot like that post. Some of you may be thinking to yourselves, "Wow, this guy sucks. He knows, like, one recipe that he keeps repeating over and over again." You have a fair argument. I'd like to point out, however, that you're a moron and I hope you get diabetes. Like Paula Deen.
This go around, we'll be whipping up some chicken infused with salsa verde to compliment our black bean mixture. But, before we get started...

What the fuck is Salsa Verde?
Salsa verde is just like traditional salsa, except it's made with tomatillos instead of tomatoes. Tomatillos are a fruit related to both nightshade (which will kill you) and tobacco (which the government says will kill you, but you should probably smoke for 40 or 50 years just to be sure). It develops a rough, paper like husk on the vine... the freshest tomatillos will have a nice, even green husk. Compared to tomatoes, they have a zesty, tangy flavor not unlike licking the top of a battery.

Preparation
1. Prepare the black bean and tomato sauce recipe as directed here. Let them simmer while you're prepping you chicken.

2. Remove your chicken thighs from the package and, on a clean cutting board, slice them up into chunks somewhat resembling fajitas. We're using thigh meat because it's nice and flavorful. Discard the knife and cutting board immediately, or be a stupid asshole, reuse them, and contract salmonella poisoning. See if I care.

3. In a heated, non-stick skillet, add your chicken. Season it with red pepper and salt.

The chunks should be small enough that you can tell by looking at them when they need a flip, somewhere in the neighborhood of 4-6 minutes depending on your temp.

Once your chicken is thoroughly cooked, but not over cooked, use tongs to remove the pieces into a pot.

4. After cooking your chicken, your pan will have some leavings, like this. This is concentrated chicken and spice goodness. We want to utilize the shit this.

Over medium high heat, shake over a nice amount of onion flakes. Let these little bastards brown up for two minutes or so, before...

you add in your entire can of salsa verde. Keep it moving while the salsa heats up, mixing in all those chicken and oniony bits.

5. Once your salsa verde mixture is nice and warm, transfer it over to your pot, mix with the chicken, and let it simmer, covered, over medium heat for 5 to 7 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Everything is now nice and acquainted. It smells incredible and looks like vomit and pea soup, which is true for most Mexican cuisine.

6. On a burrito shell, add a liberal dollop of your bean mixture (which you should have mashed by now), verde chicken, cheese, and whatever else. If you want to be all fancy, you can use only pepper jack cheese and call these Mexican flag burritos. But, I like cheddar, so fuck being fancy. Fold your burritos up, plate, and enjoy.

R.I.P. Little Wine Guy (2003-2011)

2011-09-08T20:58:00.000-07:00

Requiescat in pace, faithful friend. You are gone but never forgotten.

Fucking Badass Guide to Boiling Water

2011-08-26T10:39:00.000-07:00

To answer your immediate question... yes, I'm completely serious. It is, indeed, very simple to boil water. Put water in pot, put pot on stove, turn on burner, and wait. That's about it. But there is a right way and a wrong way to do even this simplest of kitchen tasks... and, knowing you, you're probably doing it wrong.
I'm not going to bore you with the science fair explanation of how water boils. I'm not your third grade science teacher. If you haven't figured out basic fucking physical science by now, you're beyond hope and should just go lay in traffic. This is simply a look at some of the common misconceptions about boiling water, as well as the rules you SHOULD be following when you put a pot on to boil.

Salt
Salt should only be added to boiling water if you're looking to season whatever it is you plan on cooking in the water. Practically speaking, salt doesn't cause water to boil faster: if you were working with pure water, adding salt would lower the boiling point by one degree for every ounce you add, but since we're dealing with tap water, it makes no difference. That being said, if you're boiling something that you don't want to infuse with salt, don't add the salt.

Oil
Proving that you can never know everything, adding oil to water when boiling pasta is commonly though to help keep the noodles from sticking together. Turns out... not so much. The oil just sits on the top of the water, and when you drain your pasta, it gets coated in the oil, making it more resistant to your sauce. So, no more oil when you boil pasta. If you want to keep your pasta from sticking together, stir it several times during the first few minutes.

Water

Any water from a household tap that you intend to consume should come from the tap cold. When you turn on your hot water tap, the water that you're getting has been sitting around inside your pipes and water heater, where it can easily have picked up impurities and bacteria. On top of that, water tends to get stale when it sits. So, any water you boil or freeze should come from the tap cold. If a recipe calls for hot water, run cold water and warm it up. This makes a noticeable difference.

Pot
Any pot you intend to boil water in should be capable of handling at least twice as much water as you put in it. Not only does this help heat circulate, but it ensures that you won't have to worry about boiling over and burning your tiny, feminine hands. While you CAN boil water in an uncovered pot, it takes significantly longer, so use a fucking lid.

Temperature
Once water begins to boil (that is, bubbles form at the bottom near the heat source and travel to the top and out) it will not continue to raise in temperature. Boiling water stays at 212° F no matter what. All of the additional heat energy you're pumping into the pot is transferred to the act of boiling (the state change from liquid to gas), meaning you get more bubbles more frequently. For cooking purposes, we're obviously most concerned with temperature so, ideally, we want to keep the water at a lower boiling rate to retain more of it.
Always start with your heat at the highest setting to get your water up to 212° faster. On the highest setting, the average stove reaches around 650°, far more than you need to keep water boiling. Once you reach a boil, always lower your temperature to medium or below. Your water is still just as hot as if your stove top was set on high, you're just not losing as much water. A quicker boil doesn't cook your food any faster. It can, however, break up delicate foods.

You now know everything you need to know about boiling water but were too ignorant to ask. Never fucking question me again.

Fucking Badass Guide to Eating Cajun

2011-08-02T19:49:00.000-07:00

I've never been to India or Vietnam, which I previously covered in Fucking Badass Guides. While you don't need to have visited a place to get a real sense of the food (thank you internationalism), it certainly doesn't hurt. That being said, I have actually been to Cajun country (south Louisiana, also known as Acadia, but more on that later) and eaten the foods therein, and if I were forced at gunpoint to choose a favorite cultural food-type, I might say Cajun. It really is just that fucking good. It doesn't hurt that the people are extremely nice, despite being some of the worst fucking drivers I've ever encountered in my life. Seriously, whoever laid out New Orleans should be dug up and shot. Four-way intersections without a stop sign? Let's drop that shit downtown! Sheer fucking brilliance.
Back on topic, you'll find two main types of food in this area of Louisiana: Cajun and Creole. Creole is more common in southeast Louisiana and New Orleans. Cajun is more common in southwest Louisiana, though there is a LOT of overlapping. While the foods are similar, the history and background is extremely different. For the purpose of this entry, everything is Cajun unless otherwise noted.

Shit You Should Know About Cajun culture

1. Cajuns trace their roots back to, of all places, Canada. The Acadians were French colonists who lived in eastern Canada. One day, the greatest dickbags in history (also know as the British) decided they wanted Acadia, so they took it in the Siege of Port Royal in 1710 (part of the French and Indian wars). Once the war was over with the signing of the Treaty of Paris, the Brits kept Acadia (eventually changing the name to Nova Scotia). The Acadians, wanting to stay French, moved as far south as their little frog legs would take them, showing up in the French territory of Louisiana around 1768. This was a great plan... except that the French were in the process of giving Louisiana to Spain. This left the Acadians in a very similiar situation to that time your family moved while you were at camp and forgot to tell you. Luckily for the Acadians, the new Spanish government was actually pretty cool, so they stuck around southern Louisiana, colloquially naming it Acadia.

2. The Cajun language is a dialect of French, though it's pretty far from the source at this point with a nice smattering of local flavor and Native American names like Natchitoches. That's a place, by the way. It isn't pronounced the way you're pronouncing it. When in doubt, ask.

3. Known enemy-of-the-state Shia LaBeouf is Cajun, but don't hold that against them. They also gave us Lash La Rue, Ellen DeGeneres, and the incomparable Pauley Perrette. Judging by the number of fake naked pictures of Pauley on the internet, I'm going to assume you know who she is.

4. South Louisiana is really popular in the media right now. It's the location of at least two reality shows (Sons of Guns and Swamp People) and the HBO hit series True Blood is based in the fictional town of Bon Temps, Louisiana. One of the main characters on that show's first season is Cajun. Sort of.

Why You Should Eat Cajun
Cajun food is famous for being spicy, and if you like a little burn at dinner, it won't steer you wrong. The beautiful thing about Cajun cuisine, especially as it compares to Creole, is simplicity: south Louisiana isn't an area known for material wealth and the food reflects that. A traditional Cajun meal is three pots: an entrée, a grain, and a vegetable. It's as down home as it gets.
The most common ingredients in Cajun cuisine, often called the Holy Trinity, is celery, bell pepper, and onion, chopped fine. That's combined with spices ranging from cayenne pepper and bay leaves to sassafras, garlic, and thyme. As for ingredients, you'll commonly find andouille sausage (made of heavily spiced pork, peppers, and wine), chicken, shrimp, crab, and even alligator (if you get the chance, don't pass it up. Gator is good). Though, there's one that stands above the rest...

Crawfish: Also known as crayfish, crawdads, and mudbugs, crawfish are by far the best known ingredient in Cajun food. They're basically little lobsters that live in creeks and streams. Only a small portion of the crawfish is actually edible; in soups, stews, and gumbos, you'll usually just get the tail. However, if you attend a crawfish boil, you get the whole enchilada.
The proper way to eat a crawfish is to start with the tail meat, crack open the claws, then suck the fat and seasoning that collects in the head cavity. Failing to do this at a boil will get you shot. You might also be told to avoid eating the "dead ones", meaning the ones that were dead before being boiled. Popular thought is that live boiling causes the tail to curl beneath the body, so avoid any with a straight tail. In reality, there's no correlation to tail curliness and being boiled alive. Bringing this factoid up at a boil will get you shot. If you really want to avoid the dead ones (and you do), just don't eat any with mushy or discolored tail meat.

Gumbo: Gumbo is a stew made from stock, meat or seafood, the holy trinity, and a thickener... roux (a thick gravy/sauce made of flour and fat), okra, or a spicy herb called filé. Cajun gumbo is made almost exclusively with dark roux (the darker the better) and one of the other thickeners, along with seafood, sausage, or chicken. It can also be incredibly spicy. Creole gumbo, on the other hand, contains seafood, tomatoes, and one thickener. It isn't nearly as spicy as Cajun gumbo, which is commonplace in Creole cuisine. Louisiana Creoles, by the way, are descended from the original French and Spanish settlers of Louisiana. Their food tends to be more delicate, complex, and French, while Cajun food is hardier, spicier, and with a very Canadian sensibility.

Boudin: A sausage made without blood, boudin (technically boudin blanc) consists of a pork casing stuffed with a pork/rice mixture and slow cooked. Also, it's pronounced BOO-dan. Failure to pronounce it correctly will get you shot. If in doubt, just as for a link.

Jambalaya: Originally a Creole dish, jambalaya is one of those favorites that the whole of south Louisiana is known for. The only real difference between Creole and Cajun is the presence of tomatoes (which are more plentiful the closer to New Orleans you get... see how that works?). It's simple... meat or seafood (commonly audouille sausage, chicken, or shrimp), rice and stock, all cooked together. It's considered the simpler cousin of Gumbo and...

Etouffée: Much like gumbo only thicker, étouffée (from the French word for smother) is made with dark roux (though not always), seafood, and the trinity. It's served over white rice cooked in seafood stock (called dirty rice). Some chefs prepare étouffée without the roux, instead using onions and butter.

Red Beans and Rice: Originally a Creole dish, it's just what it sounds like... red beans and rice. Traditionally, red beans and rice was made on Tuesday with the leftovers from Sunday dinner: sausage, ham, red beans, and rice. The beans are soaked for hours and cooked with the trinity and spices. This is all served over rice with meat (usually cooked separately). Being Creole, it's usually not all that spicy. You've probably had it and thought, "Meh, it's all right". The problem is... you actually HAVEN'T had it. You just THINK you've had it. Red beans and rice is NOT beans and sausage poured over some rice. It really is an entirely different (and amazingly tasty) dish, assuming the person who cooked it knows what they're doing.

What If I Just Want to Get Fucking Wasted?
Then you've come to the right place. Louisianans are a drinking people, so feel free to cut loose. If you want a real taste of Louisiana, grab anything made by the Abita Brewing Company; a craft brewery that is wildly popular in the Pelican state. They make a really great brew... you can even find a few selections at your local liquor store, though nothing beats it on tap. If you're looking for something a little more New Orleans, the Hurricane (light rum, dark rum, grenadine or passion fruit juice, and lime) was invented there and is widely available.

If you're thinking about a vacation, I highly suggest Louisiana. It's nonstop fun, with amazing food, and stuff you just can't see anywhere else. Plus, they always need the money. Just don't get shot.

Motherfucking Booze Time: Sake

2011-07-29T13:26:00.000-07:00

This actually exists.

Japan used to be an exotic land of mystery, full of mythical creatures and people who routinely accomplished incredible feats of skill. Now, Japan is pretty much the weirdest fucking place on earth. It's a country that produces millions of hours of porno a year, much of it consisting of artistic renditions of young girls getting raped by alien tentacle creatures, yet they can't tolerate the sight of normal human genitalia. If you'd like another example or two, go Wikipedia the word tamakeri or watch a few Japanese commercials.
That being said, before Japan collectively stopped taking their medication, they created some really awesome stuff... swords, aikido, pottery, and sake (pronounced SAH-kay, not SOCK-ee) to name a few. I'd also like to note that the preceding paragraph is going to lead to some very disappointing Google searches.

The History of Sake or How to Make Booze out of ANYTHING!

Trying to date sake is like trying to date water. It's been around for as long as anyone can remember. The earliest written record of the drink was penned sometime in the 3rd century, which predates the fucking compass. The Japanese had been drinking sake for more than a thousand years by the time word that such a thing even existed reached the western hemisphere in the 18th century.
Sake production was solely the job of the government until the 10th century, when (who else but) monks started brewing it. They held the job for around 500 years, until average schmucks were finally allowed to open breweries in the late 1800s. Sake remained extremely popular in Japan until World War II, at one point making up a full 30% of national tax revenue. Rice rationing during the war really put a damper on sake production, which would never return to its former glory thanks to all the new, foreign booze pouring in.

What the Fuck is Sake?

It's fermented rice, water, and yeast. Though often referred to as "rice wine", sake is actually brewed much like beer. Master sake brewers are called tōji, which is a very highly respected position in Japanese society. The production of sake is at MacGyver-levels of complexity, which is understandable since rice doesn't actually contain the necessary elements needed to create alcohol all on its own.

Meroni

To make sake, the rice is polished (more on that later), soaked in water, then boiled or steamed. A part of this now soft rice is combined with a fungus called kōji and cultivated for a few days. Then, it's mixed with water, yeast, and fresh steamed rice and left to cultivate again, producing a starter mash. They repeat this process several times, each time mixing the new mash with the old mash until they have what is called the main mash, or meroni. The meroni is then fermented multiple times, which converts the starch from the rice into glucose, which is in turn turned into alcohol by the yeast. Once the fermentation is finished, some distilled alcohol is usually added to the mixture (which helps extract certain flavors from the mash in small doses, or, in large doses, used to add alcohol to a shitty product) and it's pressed to extract the sake.Then MacGyver makes a hang-glider out of an old poster and some PVC pipe and soars to safety with some random-yet-hot 80s chick.

What the Fuck does Sake Taste Like?
Drinking sake is almost like drinking slightly thick, flavored water. You'll find many types have surprisingly fruity tastes (melons, citrus fruits, even kiwi) though earth notes are pretty well represented as well. The great thing about sake as aftertaste: there isn't one. Sake has a very clean finish without the tannins and sulfates you get from other beverages, meaning your mouth stays feeling very clean.
Sake can be dry or sweet. This is noted by a plus or minus number located somewhere on the bottle. A plus sign indicates sweetness; the higher the number, the sweeter the sake. The opposite goes for minus. Average sake comes in at around a +1 or +2, which is semi-dry.
You'll also see undiluted, or nigori sake. This is sake from which all of the grain residue has been removed, but not carbon filtered, lending it an extremely sweet taste.

Types of Sake

Unpolished v.s. Polished

When it comes to wine, the varietal is usually determined by the type of grape used. But, sake rice is essentially all the same. So, how do we get varieties of sake? It's all about rice polishing.
Polishing, or milling, removes the outer layer of the rice and, with it, undesirable proteins and oils. The amount of polishing determines the type of sake. It also determines the price, because polishing rice isn't the easiest thing in the world to do. Typically, about 30% of the rice is polished away, but certain premium sakes will discard up to 80%, giving you the "soul of the rice". Keep in mind that, after a certain amount of polishing, this may or may not be complete bullshit.
You're most likely to encounter sake at a sushi restaurant. There, you'll probably find these three categories:

Junmai (june-MY)
On one side of the coin, we have junmai sake, which I like to refer to as "sake with balls". Rice used in junmai sake is polished the least (abut 70% of the rice remains) so it has a big, bold flavor.

Daiginjo (die-GEN-joe)
On the other hand, daiginjo sake is extremely delicate. It's rice is polished the most (at least 50%), so you're dealing with very subtle nuances of flavor that are easy to lose in a meal. It has carries a heavier price tag, but is really great before a meal.

Ginjo (GEN-joe)
Ginjo sake is best described as extremely straightforward. It has a very even, crisp taste that works very well with food. It's not so complex that it'll be lost in your California roll, but not so overpowering that it takes over your mouth.

Drinking Sake
Even if you know nothing at all about sake, you're probably familiar with what it's served in: the little ceramic pitcher and tiny glasses. These are traditional, but not surprisingly, not all that great for drinking (much like coupe glasses are shitty for drinking champagne). While not produced like wine, sake has many of the same qualities as wine, and the ideal glassware is pretty much the same. A brandy snifter or basic wine glass is best. Whatever you do, don't drink your sake out of a little wooden box, which is also traditional. Not only does it make a huge mess, but the wood fucks with the taste of your drink.
Another big sake question is temperature: hot, cold, or room? Well, it all depends on the type of sake you're drinking and when. Most bottles will actually have the recommended temperature listed on them, so go take a look. In Japan, sake is traditionally served cold when it's warm out and hot when it's cold out, though many people will drink it one way or the other regardless. In this matter, it's all about taste.

And that's pretty much everything you've ever needed to know about sake. Sake comes with a very extensive amount of vocabulary, much of which I left out because neither of us speak the language. If we did, we wouldn't need this bullshit blog, would we? I urge you to give sake a shot the next time you're out at a Japanese restaurant, or pick up a bottle at your local liquor mart. Armed with a little knowledge, you won't be disappointed.

Other Bloggers Doing Me

2011-07-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

Recently, the owners of two really great blogs have prepared a couple of my recipes and posted about them. They were also highly complimentary of me, which should be met with immediate suspicion and disdain.

Chipster Diaries: A Gift from our Horned Friends: Goat Cheese Meatballs in a Badass Recipe Box

Dreaming of Mercy: The Great Burrito Adventure of 2011

Both blogs are excellent, so check them out. Also, while I have you here, I'm on Google+. So feel free to check that out too.

Goat Cheese Meatballs (with Spaghetti)

2011-07-17T13:43:00.000-07:00

Ingredients
Meatballs
Ground beef
Sour cream
Eggs
Bread crumbs
Goat cheese (crumbled)
Onion flakes
Garlic powder
Greek seasoning
Basil
Dried chopped onions
Salt
Spaghetti and Sauce
Everything from "Spaghetti with Meat Sauce" recipe, minus the ground beef.

I don't know if it's long tradition or just plain asshoishness that makes recipes for classic Italian foods so harshly debated and highly prized. Virtually everyone with an Italian last name has their great-grandmother's sauce recipe which, they claim, is better than a hummer from an Italian supermodel (pictured). In this respect, no food is more argued about than the simple, hard-working meatball. We're talking about a world of Italians ready to take a bat to anyone who would dare question their nonna's culinary expertise.
Yeah, well fuck that. My meatballs are firm yet melt in your mouth. Plus, they're all beef (no need for sausage or veal) which means you avoid having to make two pounds of balls every time you have the Italiano craving... and you will have this craving. Oh yes. My meatballs aren't even Italian; they're Greek, and you know what they say about Greeks: we're great cooks, great in the sack, and shitty with money. To add the pièce de résistance... goat cheese. Because goat cheese makes everything better. Suck it, Italy. Or, should I say, succhiare Italia.

A Word About Goat Cheese

Goat cheese has a taste similar to feta, though it's not as salty, since feta is brined. Other than being generally delicious, it has a few properties that make it great in meatballs. First, it doesn't really melt: it softens considerably but remains viscous enough that it won't get runny. This means your balls won't fall apart on you. It also really mellows out the acidity of the tomato sauce. Plus, it's non-dairy, so all you lactose intolerant folks can go hog wild.

Preparation
1. You're going to have to follow two recipes to make this dish as given: this one, and my spaghetti with meat sauce recipe. It's simple... just prepare your sauce minus the ground beef. We can start out by putting your pot of water on to boil and getting out your trusty square cake pan. Square cake pans: the fucking Swiss army knife of cookwear. If you don't have one, get one. You can use a cookie sheet if you must, but know that it makes me think less of you. Coat your pan with olive oil and toss it in your oven, set to preheat at 350. Getting the pan nice and hot will really give us a good exterior texture to our balls.

2. Get out a large mixing bowl and throw in an egg. Beat it like you caught it fucking your wife.

Now you'll add the following, and be diligent with the measure: meatballs are notorious for falling apart or getting shoe-leather tough if you add too much of one thing.
1/3 cup bread crumbs
1 pound of ground beef
2 tbsp sour cream
and your spices (basil, Greek seasoning, dried chopped onions, ground red pepper, and salt)

Mix by hand. Really get in there and make sure everything is looking nice and even when you're done.

Now we add the goat cheese.. about a fourth of a cup, or roughly as much as you see in the picture.

Now knead the goat cheese gently into your meat, much like you would turn a pizza dough or play with boobs. The heat caused by your hand will cause the cheese to soften, making this really easy. Form it into a nice, big ball.

From your large ball come your smaller balls... about golf ball size. The mixture should be pliable with a tacky, but not sticky feel. You'll be amazed at how easy this is and how well everything melds together. Some people recommend using an ice cream scoop here... that's only for lesser recipes. Your cheese should be soft enough now that you can very easily shape it with the meat. You should get between 14 and 16 balls.

3. Get your hot pan out of the oven and insert your balls. Press them gently against the bottom of the pan to create a bit of a flattened base to keep them from rolling around. Toss the pan back in the oven for about 15 minutes.

Now is a good time to put your sauce on the stove (as directed, minus ground beef)

...and toss your spaghetti in to boil. This way, everything should finish at roughly the same time.

4. After 15 minutes, remove your balls from the oven. You should get something like this. Notice how, despite a pretty long time in a hot oven, the cheese is still rather firm.

Turn your oven temperature up to 400 and flip your meatballs carefully with a pair of tongs. As you can see, where the balls meet the pan has yielded a nice, firm crust. Toss these back in the over for about 5 minutes to finish things up.

6. Once the 5 minutes is up, get your balls out of the oven. Now we've come to the real test of a great meatball: how well it stands up to being mixed into your sauce. No problem. Gently fold them in, then cover and simmer your sauce for a few minutes to lock everything together.

Plate your spaghetti, cover with your sauce and meatballs, add on some mozz, and enjoy. Note: not once did I make a joke about balls, but I tried to make sure there was enough material for you to make plenty of your own. That's my gift to you.

UPDATE 07/24/11 - Sebastien, the owner of the hilarious blog Chipster Diaries, did me the great honor of preparing this dish and posting about it. He did this under great peril, as he lives in France and I am a known enemy of the state there. You should go check it out, before the French version of Seal Team 6¹ busts into his château and takes him out.

¹This is obviously a joke. Why would France even NEED an elite seal team? To deliver the envelopes marked "surrender"?

Spicy Black Bean and Adobo Beef "Deadeye" Burritos

2011-07-02T14:10:00.000-07:00

Ingredients
Black Beans
Mexican or spicy tomato sauce (El Pato is good and common)
Ground beef
Canned chipotle peppers in adobo sauce
Flour tortillas
Salsa con queso
Chili powder
Cumin
Garlic powder
Salt
Whatever the fuck else you want (tomatoes and sour cream, for instance)

Back in December, I posted what was essentially a recipe for a black bean burrito filling that makes the best bean and cheese burritos you'll ever shove into your face, all for under four dollars. I said at the time that you can add other stuff later. Well, welcome to later. To make Mexican Standoff Burritos into Deadeye burritos, all we need to add is some ground beef and a sexy mistress called adobo. But first...

What the fuck is a chipotle pepper, exactly?
Chipotles are extremely fucking popular right now, but you might be surprised to learn that there's really no such thing as a chipotle pepper, at least not in the same sense as a habanero, poblao, or jalapeño that you can pick off of a vine. Chipotle peppers are actually jalapeño peppers that have been over ripened, dried, and smoked; a method perfected in Northern Mexico. This process jacks up the heat and gives it that signature smoky flavor. Oh, and it's pronounced [chi-PO-tlay], not whatever the fuck you idiots have been calling it.

Preparation

1. Prepare the black bean and tomato sauce mixture as directed in the Mexican standoff burritos recipe. You can let the beans soften while you complete the rest of the recipe, so all you have to do is smash and serve.

2. Brown up a pound of ground beef, seasoned with cumin, garlic powder, chili powder, and salt. Drain thoroughly.

3. Open your can of chipotle peppers in adobo sauce. We're actually not really interested in the peppers themselves... what we've come for is the adobo. Adobo is a sauce originally used to preserve foods is Mexico before the advent of refrigeration. It's made with paprika, salt, vinegar, garlic, a variety of peppers, and a touch of brown sugar. It's very spicy, but the heat is even and clean with very little burn (think "curry" hot not "suicide buffalo wings" hot). This stuff tastes so good your mouth with actively try to fuck the rest of your face in appreciation. Use a fork to pick out the whole peppers and set them aside. Be sure to scrape the remaining adobo off of them.

If you want, you can dice up one of the chipotle peppers and add it in with the adobo to increase the heat. I suggest doing this only if you like really spicy food and aren't a pansy-ass Nancy.

Return your drained ground beef to the pan and add all of the adobo. One can will be plenty to coat the meat. Toss it well and let it get all warm and acquainted.

4. You now have your adobo-infused ground beef and spicy black bean filling.

Prep your burrito shells as instructed in the Mexican standoff burrito recipe. Add a nice smear of beans, a helping of beef, and liberal amounts of salsa con queso. You can use regular shredded cheese if you'd like to cut the heat down a bit. Caution: this will make me think less of you.

Add in any other toppings you like. I like tomatoes and sour cream, but feel free to go hog wild. Here's another tip: anytime you want to add diced tomatoes to something (especially burritos), use cherry tomatoes and halve them instead. It cuts down on the liquid inherent with diced tomatoes (which makes for soggy burritos) and you don't lost any flavor to the cutting board. It also takes 1/8th the time.

Fold, toss on some tortilla chips, serve, and enjoy.

Meat and Potato Kebabs

2011-06-18T11:24:00.000-07:00

Ingredients
Boneless chicken
Steak
Small potatoes (red, white, fingerling, blue, whatever)
Garlic powder
Salt
Basil
Butter
Skewers (bamboo or metal)

Meat and potatoes go together like strip clubs and glitter, beer and firearms, and choking and the Washington Capitals. Combine these two foods with the greatest method of cooking known to man and you have something pretty special.
There's something to be said about food on a stick. That something is "Hell yes, give me some food on a stick." The greatest thing about kebabs is that you're cooking a whole meal at once. The hardest thing about kebabs is that you have to cook a whole meal at once. With your traditional kebab fare (meat and veg), this isn't that big a deal; just make sure to slice your meat small enough and everything will turn out nicely. But when you get potatoes involved, it becomes a whole other ball game. But it can be done, and pretty simply assuming you're not a dumbass. Also, we're going to lose the vegetables all together because fuck vegetables.

Ancient Persian preparing to grill out

A Word About Kebab Versus Kebob
The word kebab comes from the Persian word kebbaba which means "to burn". It appears in the Talmud when describing offerings made at the local temple (usually burnt meat). Today, it's combined with the word shish (from the Arabic word for grilled meat) to describe meat grilled on a skewer. I'm not entirely sure what a kebob is, but feel free to keep calling it that if you find kebab a tad pretentious.

IMPORTANT NOTE: This recipe requires use of a grill. If you don't have a grill or rudimentary knowledge of how to use a grill, disregard this recipe. Also, kill yourself.

Preparation
1. Throw a big pot of water on to boil. If you're using bamboo skewers for your kebabing, you need to submerge them in water for at least a half hour... otherwise they'll catch fire while you're cooking and make you look like a moron in front of the fire department. If you're using metal skewers, know that you won't be able to serve your food on the stick as god intended. They're also a pain in the ass to turn while grilling, since the metal heats up. I highly recommend bamboo skewers.

The goal here is to ensure the potatoes and the meat are all cooked to perfection on the grill at the same time. Unfortunately, chunks of meat are going to cook in about 12 minutes. Raw potatoes would take at least an hour and a half. So we have to precook the potatoes. But, if we precook them too long, they'll get too soft to be skewered and will fall apart on the grill. This can be a serious pain in the ass, but we can help things out. First, we're going to use whole potatoes with the skin intact: this will help them hold together on the skewers. I'm using small red potatoes, fingerling potatoes (the yellow ones), and small blue potatoes. I found them all in a single bag. Wash thoroughly.

Once your pot of water gets up to a nice boil, toss in the potatoes. You need to boil them for around NINE MINUTES. That is bold and capped for a reason. Any less time and they'll still be raw after grilling; any more and they'll fall apart. Nine minutes is just about perfect, so set a fucking timer.

2. Now you need to cut up your meat. I went with petite sirloin and boneless chicken thighs. You need to make sure your pieces are roughly the same size so they cook at the same speed.

Don't try to cube your meat or you'll invariably get pieces that are too small. I suggest more of a chunking method: cut your meat into however many equal pieces you can make, then cut those pieces in half.

3. Unless you're Johnny Chopquickly, your potatoes should be about done. You need to drain them immediately and let them sit for a few minutes to cool off. Your potatoes should feel somewhat soft when you lightly squeeze them, but not falling apart. Don't run cold water over them, as this could cause the skin to split in places.

While the potatoes are cooling, we're going to make a simple butter, herb, and garlic mixture to brush on the kebabs. I use about a fourth of a stick of butter and a liberal dash of garlic and basil, usually in a coffee cup (it's portable and can handle the heat). Cover and nuke for a minute or so.

4. Now we need to skewer. This is pretty much self explanatory so long as you follow a few guidelines: always skewer through the thickest part of your meat/potato. This part may not always be the center; it's more important for your food to get a good, firm hold on the skewer than to have perfectly symmetrical kebabs. You'll also want to get your meat and potatoes right up next to one another. This will help keep the individual pieces from moving. This only applies to bamboo skewers... you need to leave some room between your pieces on metal skewers so the heat from the metal can escape. Alternate potato and meat, as shown.

Be sure to leave yourself some room at the base to turn. You can skewer all the way to the tip if you want.

Do this as many times as you need to. You'll undoubtedly run out of meat or potatoes before you've used all that you have to grill, so your last two or three will be a bit ghetto. No worries.

5. To the grill. Obviously, if you're using a charcoal grill, you'll want it ready to go, which means you SHOULD have prepared it far in advance of putting your food together. For a gas grill, just flip it on before you start skewering and it'll get all nice and hot. You really shouldn't need any kind of non-stick spray, but if it makes you feel better knowing that it's there, feel free to coat the grill. Again, this isn't a grilling tutorial, so you should know all about lighting and even heating and all that. Place your kebabs carefully on the hot grill.

Brush your garlic and herb butter over the kebabs, then sprinkle them with salt. Don't put your butter back in the ice box it'll congeal on you.

Your kebabs should only need about 6 minutes a side to cook, but you should keep an eye on them. The potatoes will pick up some beautiful grill marks, but if the skin starts to split, you've over cooked them.

Carefully flip your kebabs. If you skewered them correctly, none of your pieces should come loose. Give them another brush of butter and herb, and in six more minutes or so...

you're done. Plate (if you want to be fancy), serve, and enjoy.

Motherfucking Booze Time: Brandy

2011-06-10T08:54:00.000-07:00

There's a fuck load of science involved in allowing you to get shithoused at the bar on Friday night. Despite this, people have been creating alcoholic drinks since damn near the dawn of time. Fermentation was one of the first chemical reactions mankind figured out how to control. That puts making booze in the same class as making fire. This is some fucking fundamental stuff.
The difference between the method for making wine and the method for making whisky is essentially the same as the difference between baking and frying. There is, however, a sort of hybrid between the two that you've probably heard of.

What the Fuck is Brandy?
To understand what brandy is you need to understand the difference between fermentation and distillation. Fermentation is simple: yeast interacts with sugar to produce ethanol, which gets you drunk. Many popular alcohols are made in this way, including beer (fermented starches ranging from barley to rice), wine (fermented grapes), and mead (fermented honey). Distillation is the process by which you concentrate alcohol and other good bits from a fermented mixture. This is how you get rum (distilled sugar), whisky (distilled starches), and tequila (distilled blue agave). Basically, fermentation makes it alcoholic while distilling makes it super alcoholic.
So, finally answering the fucking question: Brandy is distilled wine. Basically, it's like whisky made with grapes. It tastes very earthy and smokey, like a good scotch, but with an undeniable sweetness. It isn't for the amateur drinker, no matter what Young Jeezy would have you believe.

This History of Brandy or Fucking The Government Never Tasted so Good
Ever since early man discovered fermentation, he's been making wine. Likewise, distilled wine (brandy) has been around for as long as distillation, which is thought to have first been used widely in Greece, circa 1 A.D. It wasn't until the twelfth century, however, that modern brandy was developed by the same brilliant booze makers that brought us champagne: the shipping industry. Wine was initially distilled to aid in shipping. The thought was: distill all the water out of the wine so you can transport more, then just add the water back in when it got where it was going. Plus, since taxes were levied by volume, concentrating the wine really cut down on what you had to pay. History's first tax loophole was born.
Naturally, the first thing people did when they got their hands on distilled wine was drink it. Thanks to its time spent stored in oak barrels, the brandy was actually better tasting than the wine it was derived from. It also didn't hurt that adding water to the brandy as planned didn't make it taste a fucking thing like wine (distilling doesn't work that way, which I'll explain below).

Distillation: Not Just for the Inbred

When you think of a still, you probably think of something that looks like this picture. That's a classic American moonshine still, plucked from some redneck's backyard where it lived between a '73 Trans Am on blocks and the remnants of a meth lab. You've undoubtedly seen them in movies, which is why I'm using one to explain how distilling works. Distilling beverages is one of few technologies that has been pretty much perfected... in the 8th century. Outside of a few techniques for distilling huge amounts of liquid, the process hasn't changed much.
If you can understand boiling, you can understand distilling. Basically it's the process by which a mixture (in this case, alcohol trapped in a fermented stock) is separated out by boiling. You heat the mixture to a specific degree, at which parts of it begin to boil and become vapor. The vapor is collected and separated from the original mixture, then cooled back into a liquid. Here's the process using the photo above as a guide.

The fermented stock is boiled in a vat (A) This stock is often called a wash, though various producers have different names for it. As the wash heats up, water, alcohol, and aromatics begin to boil and become vapor. This vapor enters the tube (B) at the top, also know as a condenser. The condenser is meant to carry your now distilled spirit to the distillate (E). The only problem, at this point, is that your spirit isn't exactly water... that requires cooling. The condenser winds around the barrel (C) which is filled with cold water. This cools the vapor back into a liquid, which is then pushed into the distillate. You'll notice the copper condenser (D) gets all twisty there at the end. As the liquid passes through, it reacts to the metal which kills the last of the undesirable leftovers.
When making brandy, the wash is called low wine, and it's distilled twice. The first and last bit of the distilled product is discarded, which rids it of some initial foul odors and chemicals which burn off faster than the rest. The finished product is brandy, but it's actually clear. To get the familiar amber color, it's either oak aged (the good stuff) or colored. You'll note that far more than just water is separated from the brandy during distilling, which is why those French tax cheats' plans didn't pan out.

Types of Brandy
Technically speaking, only spirit distilled from wine is brandy. However, drinks distilled from other fruit often carry the brandy name (usually after their base fruit as in peach brandy, apricot brandy, e.t.c.)

Cognac

Cognac is brandy made in the region of eastern France surrounding the city of the same name. Cognac is considered the gold standard in brandy much like champagne is for sparkling wines. It is derived from extremely dry, undrinkable white wine and distilled in traditional copper pot stills a batch at a time (as opposed to continuous distilling, which distills liquid as it is inserted, assembly-line style) and aged in oak barrels for at least two years. The production of cognac is tightly regulated, and it has its own grading system: VS for Very Special, which is the youngest cognac, VSOP for Very Special Old Pale, which is at least four years old, and XO for Extra Old, which is at least six but commonly more than 20 years old. Needless to say, cognac is extremely pricey. Probably the most famous brands are Courvoisier and Hennessy, which were the rapper's beverage of choice before Cristal and purple drank rose to prominence due to their more desirable effects when poured on some bitches. South African brandy, though not called cognac, is made in the same style and under the same regulations, producing a similarly fine beverage.

Armagnac

Armagnac is shockingly named for the region of... you guessed it... France from which is comes. What is it about the fucking French? This was one of the first places to actually produce brandy worldwide, and the first French region period. Due to the popularity of cognac, armagnac production is relegated to small distillers. It's famous for once being promoted as medicinal with "40 virtues" curing everything from gout to hepatitis. Come to find out, it actually does have some impact on lowering cardiovascular disease, but that's about it.

Applejack
Made from apple cider (so not technically brandy), applejack is a uniquely American beverage. It was created and popularized during the colonial era and was once used as currency in New Jersey. Applejack is usually freeze distilled (basically distilling using freezing points and not boiling points). Applejack (aka Jersey Lightning) is a personal favorite of mine.

Tsipouro
This Greek spirit is made from the residual grapes left over after pressing wine (called the pomace) which is pressed further and combined with stems and seeds (called the must). It was created by history's greatest drinkers: orthodox monks! It's served as a deep chilled shot and drank at celebrations and festivals. It has a lighter taste than traditional brandy. Tsipouro was the precursor to Ouzo and is occasionally flavored with anise (that licorice tasting stuff).

And that's the world of brandy! If you're a wine drinker, I urge you to give brandy a shot, especially after a good meal, but take it easy or you'll quickly find yourself on the wrong side of drunk. One last thing: you can drink brandy either warm or cold... it varies depending on the culture. Anyone who tells you there is a right way and a wrong way is a goddamn moron. Have fun!

Top Shelf Ribs

2011-05-27T17:36:00.000-07:00

Ingredients
Country style pork ribs
Barbecue sauce
Brown sugar
Worcestershire sauce
Apple cider vinegar
Bay leaves
Liquid smoke (optional)

Pictured: A man.

I am a man. I enjoy masculine things... beards, meat, tobacco, people getting hit in the face unexpectedly, and the late George C. Scott just to name a few. Occasionally I'll replace my middle name with a curse word... things like that. There are, however, traditionally masculine things that I don't care for: sexism, bathroom humor, golf, and ribs, for instance. Now, let me clarify that last item. I dislike ribs about 85% of the time, for one reason only: that ribby aftertaste. I don't know what it is or what causes it, but it sucks every fucking ounce of goodness out of ribs. It's there for hours afterward, just hanging around making your mouth feel like shit.
Growing up I never had this problem because I only ate the ribs my mom made... ribs that tasted like they're supposed to, with no fucking aftertaste. Ribs that define "fall off the bone" without even having a fucking bone to fall off of. We combine this method of cooking with a little sauce creation of my own to form a kind of meat nirvana which nothing but goodness may enter.

Preparation
1. Get out your biggest pot. Toss in your ribs and a few bay leaves.

Add water to your pot until your ribs are submerged and your bay leaves are floating about an inch above them. You're going to lose water due to the long boiling time, and you don't want them running aground. Boiling is a great method here because it thoroughly cooks the thick ribs while leaving them extremely soft and imbuing them with flavor from the bay leaves. Bring your pot to a boil, then reduce heat to medium, cover, and simmer for about an hour. You'll want to move them around occasionally in case they try to stick to the sides or bottom.

2. While the ribs are cooking, we're going to make what I like to call rib sauce. It uses barbecue sauce as a base. When you're picking out your sauce, avoid any special flavors like honey, hickory, or mesquite. We're going to add a ton of flavor to the sauce, so try to find a good base comprised of the fewest ingredients possible. I prefer Sweet Baby Ray's for a nice, even, no frills taste but it's entirely up to you.
Get about 1.5 to 2 cups of sauce in a small sauce pan (you can never have too much). Add to this 0.25 cup apple cider vinegar, 3 tablespoons of brown sugar, and 4 tablespoons of Worcestershire. If you'd like to add a bit of smokiness, a dash of liquid smoke does the job, just don't smell it when you put it in. Liquid smoke smells like Satan's mother-in-law, and you can't unsmell it no matter how hard you try. Put your pot over medium heat until it begins to boil a bit, then reduce to low and simmer until your ribs are finished (about 45 minutes or so).

3. When you have around 15 minutes or so left to go, you''ll notice your ribs have gotten quite a bit smaller.

Get into your oven and move your top rack as close to the top heating element as possible. Set your oven to broil.

Reduce the heat under your sauce to the lowest setting. Thanks to the brown sugar, your rib sauce is extremely thick and packed with flavor..

4. Using a pair of tongs, remove your ribs to a foil lined sheet pan. Try to shake the excess water from them en route, but be careful, they might fall apart on you.

Brush the top and sides of your ribs liberally with rib sauce.

Toss the pan onto your oven's top rack. Let that bitch seal in the goodness for about five minutes.

Remove. The rib sauce has thickened even more and you'll notice the rib extremities getting a nice blackening. This is desirable. Flip with your tongs and brush with another coat of sauce. If you have any sauce left after this, just pour it over the top of them. Rib sauce is good for you.

Return to your oven and broil for another five minutes, or until you're tempted to stick your head inside the oven and eat them directly from the pan.

Plate and serve. No ribby aftertaste... just pure, meat bliss. It's like candy, if candy were also meat.

The Box on Twitter

2011-05-20T12:13:00.000-07:00

Hello readers.
Look at Twitter.

Now at Fucking Badass Recipe Box.

Now back to Twitter.

Now back to the Box.

Sadly, the Box isn't on your Twitter, but if you stop being a colossal failure as a human being and follow the Box on Twitter, it could be.

Look down...

Now back up... where are you?

You're at a high class strip club, where you'll have almost as much fun as you will now that you follow the Box on Twitter.
What's in your hand?

It's Russian supermodel Irina Shayk's phone number... yours, now that you follow the Box on Twitter.
Look again...

The phone number is now a delicious burrito.
Anything is possible when you follow Fucking Badass Recipe Box on Twitter.

I'm a world class pugilist.

Terremoto

2011-05-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

What You Need
Sweet or semi-sweet Riesling
Pineapple sherbet
Beverage pitcher

I was sitting on the couch in my boxers watching TV the other day and happened upon an episode of No Reservations featuring Tony's trip to Chile. During the first segment, I think, Tony is taken to a restaurant called El Hoyo in Santiago where he's introduced to a drink called a terremoto... a combination of a Chilean white wine called pipeño and pineapple ice cream. The word terremoto is Spanish for earthquake... the drink is so named either because it was invented for some journalists covering an earthquake back in the 80s or because it's supposed to get you inordinately shit-housed in a hurry. Mixing wine and ice cream has just the right amount of fucked-upedness to make my ears perk up, so I wanted to make it. Thus I hurried to the magical internets to find a recipe. There I discovered plenty, all of which said "combine pipeño and pineapple ice cream". Real fucking helpful, assholes. So, I made my own.

Step 1: You'll notice by the ingredients that we aren't using pipeño. There's a good reason for that: unless you live in Chile, you're not fucking getting any. As it turns out, vino pipeño (as they call it in Chile) is a rather cheap wine made from extremely young grapes. It's fermented very quickly and has a very raw taste to it. It also doesn't travel well. Thus, I had to come up with a substitute, and I didn't have to look further than my personal favorite white wine: Riesling. Riesling is a German wine grown in colder climates. A sweet or semi-sweet Riesling should approximate pipeño in that the grapes are harvested young and are descended from a few wild varieties. Try to find a sweet or semi-sweet amber Riesling that doesn't cost too much (pipeño is made on the cheap). I found this bottle of Bob Mondavi Woodbridge for about $7. Use your little wine guy to open it.

Pour your wine into a pitcher

Step 2: You'll also notice we're not using traditional ice cream, but rather sherbet. Turns out, Chilean ice cream is actually more of a sorbet, but not quite. American sherbet is basically sorbet with a bit of dairy, so it should work. Also, while we're on the topic, IT'S PRONOUNCED SHER-BIT, NOT SHER-BERT YOU FUCKING MORONS. READ THE GODDAMN CARTON. DO YOU SEE A SECOND R? NO, YOU DON'T.
Using a regular sized serving spoon, chuck in five to six nice, big chunks of sherbet.

Step 3: Mix it all up with a big spoon. Cut the big clumps into smaller, more manageable pieces, then stir rapidly to soften and break up the sherbet. This takes a bit of work, so suck it up. You can serve immediately or toss the pitcher in your ice box and allow the sherbet to melt down.

Pour it in a glass and serve. Now, mind you... I've never been to Chile or tasted an authentic El Hoyo terremoto so I have no basis for comparison, but I will say this: the drink is fucking excellent. I would hesitate to call the drink sweet... there's definitely a sweetness there, but it isn't a dessert. It has sort of a thin milkshake texture that is actually really nice. The girlfriend (who could nurse a drink for days) and I finished the entire pitcher in right around twenty minutes, and even after the first glass it was pretty evident that a terremoto doesn't fuck around. I can put away straight liquor like a trash can and even I felt a little alcohol twinge that I don't normally get from wine.

So how did I do with the recreation? Well...

Pretty fucking good, I'd say. The color is dead on (not as evident in the picture because my kitchen is dark as shit) and it has the same frothy head. All in all, I'd have to say I'm pretty fucking incredible.

Fucking Badass Guide to Eating India

2011-05-16T14:38:00.000-07:00

Ah, India. The land of those fucking ridiculous Bollywood movies. Seriously, why is no one saying this? Their movies are straight fucking insanity. I realize that there's a big cultural thing there, but I'm savvy enough to know when something was created in the depths of an ether binge.
Back on topic... the funny thing about Indian food is that there's really no such thing. India is such a huge, diverse place that calling anything just Indian is like calling a specific song music and expecting someone to know exactly what you're talking about. There are more than 30 defined regions that produce their own, often wildly different cuisine.

Now, this doesn't mean that every time you walk into an Indian restaurant you're going to see a wildly different menu. Far from it. Your typical Indian place actually specializes in food from the Punjab region of Northern India and Eastern Pakistan. This is where you get your tandoori bread, tikka masala, Biryani, and most of the rest of the foods you're familiar with. Punjabi cuisine is well-known for its wide range of dishes, with everything from spicy to mild and vegetarian to carnivore, including beef. That's right, the country famous for its spiritual love of cows does serve beef in many regions. To make things easier, I will continue to refer to all things Punjabi as Indian, unless otherwise noted.

Shit You Should Know about India

1. As part of their quest to be the biggest dickheads in history, the British got their first foothold in India around the time of the American Revolution and ruled until the Indian people finally kicked their limey asses out in 1950. Despite the relatively peaceful end to British rule (thanks a lot, Gandhi) the Indians did their fair share of Brit killing. They also produced some awesome propaganda posters.

2. Much like the food, there is no "Indian" language. There are more than a thousand languages spoken on the Indian subcontinent, 29 of which are spoken by more than a million people each. The most common, Standard Hindi, uses its own alphabet called Devanagari which looks like a cross between Elvish and Klingon. Luckily for us everything is approximated in English, so it's spelled like it sounds. Pronounce away!

3. M. Night Shyamalan is from India, but don't hold that against them. They also brought us actress Sunny Leone. Notice how actress is in italics back there? There's a reason for that. A sexy, sexy reason.

4. Indians are serious about cricket, which is a game played on an oval field with rules that make Calvinball seem simple by comparison. If that reference is lost on you, please go lay on your nearest set of railroad tracks. In cricket, as best I can make out, a guy throws a ball and another guy hits the ball then runs to the end of the field and back. If he makes it back without a thousand or so things happening along the way, he scores a run. There might also be a giraffe involved.

Why You Should Eat India
If you're a fan of taste, Indian food is for you. Indians don't fuck around when it comes to spices. You're working with so many complex flavors that it can be mind boggling. There's a reason Europeans searched so hard to find a quicker route to India... if I had to eat the kind of schlock they were serving in Europe back then I'd go out of my way for a little take-home goodness too. As I mentioned above, the Brits ruled India for quite some time, which is pretty sad since everything in India is better than everything in England, including the people, locations, and culture. You might think I'm intentionally trying to offend the English here. Well, I am. It also happens to be true. Suck it, limeys.
Indian food is less about specific dishes and more about specific ways of preparation and spicing. To understand individual dishes, you have to understand the parts that make up the whole, and one of the most important parts is...

The Tandoor: Calling a tandoor an oven is like calling Sunny Leone "just some chick". A tandoor is essentially a big clay chimney with the very fires of hell burning at the bottom. It can reach temperatures up to 900-fucking-° Fahrenheit (for my Canadian readers, that's 480-goddamn-° Celsius). A tandoor allows you to cook with direct fire, radiant heat, hot air, and convection heat at the same time. You can also smoke with it. Just typing that gets me physically aroused. The tandoor isn't uniquely Indian, but they've made it famous worldwide. You use a tandoor to make, among other things...

Tandoori chicken: An extremely popular dish in India and abroad, Tandoori chicken is actually from the Delhi region. It's made by marinating chicken in curd and yogurt, seasoning it with tandoori masala (more on masala below) and various red peppers to give it that signature color. It then goes into the tandoor, making it juicy inside and somewhat crispy outside. It's not an old dish (invented in the 1920s, actually) but it is an extremely fucking tasty one.

Masala: Masala is hindi for mixture, which is exactly what it is... a mixture of spices. There are many types of masala, but they all contain much of the same ingredients: peppercorns, cloves, mace (nutmeg's violent cousin), black cumin, cinnamon, cardamom, nutmeg, star anise, and coriander seeds. You can find many types of masala, particularly garam (hindi for hot) masala, premixed in many Indian grocery stores, but if you want the good stuff, you have to make your own.
There are many "masala" dishes, including...

Chicken Tikka Masala: First off, I have to note that this isn't really an Indian dish. It was most likely created in Britain within the past 50 years. However, its rampant popularity means that it's likely available near you. It's actually the most popular restaurant dish in England to absolutely no one's surprise. Essentially, it's chunks of chicken (tikka is hindi for a piece of meat) in a masala-spiced tomato curry. As you should know all ready, I covered curry way back when, but I'll give you a quick lesson here: the word curry means sauce and has no specifically defined taste.

Biryani: Finally, we get to rice. This is another dish that isn't exactly Indian. It's technically Persian. Biryani is basically steamed rice with spices and meat or vegetable. The ingredients are prepared separately and then combined. It's similar to a pilaf, except a pilaf is often cooked all together.

Naan (Tandoori bread): Finally, we come to what your meal will probably start out with. Naan is a leavened flat bread made by sticking a rounded piece of dough to the side of the tandoor. Naan is actually a very generic word for bread, used across the middle east and the Indian subcontinent. The good thing about naan is that there's really no wrong way to eat it. You can butter it, rip it, fold it, mop up your various curries with it... you could take your entire entree and make a huge naan taco if you wanted to.

What If I Just Want to Get Fucking Wasted?

India is a very conservative place... they barely allow kissing on screen in their psychotic, drug fueled dance movies. You'd think strong drink would be hard to come by. Well, not so much. Beer consumption in the country has been growing steadily for the past decade. The most popular beer in India is Kingfisher, produced by United Breweries Group. I have no idea what it tastes like, but I'm going to guess weak piss water. Fuck it. Most Indian beer comes from old British breweries anyway. If you want a real taste of India, pick yourself up some fenny. Fenny is an all-Indian liquor that comes in two major varieties: coconut and cashew. It's also apparently the name of several women that like to stand half-naked on beaches (thank you Google images). You can only get it (the alcohol) in the Goa region of India, so if you find some, drink as much as you can. Salut!

Motherfucking Booze Time: Cabernet Sauvignon

2011-05-09T17:00:00.000-07:00

Young Earth Creationism at work

Wine has been around for eight thousand years. According to many young Earth creationists, the earth has been around for just less than 10,000 years. What does this mean? Well, first it means that young Earth creationists are fucking morons. Second, it means wine must be pretty fucking important for it to be on a list with "name all the animals", "figure out what this 'sex' thing is for", "avoid dinosaurs", and "plant fossils to confuse people 10,000 years from now". Over the centuries, lots of wine has been made, drank, and debated. It stands to reason then that the most popular wine in the world would be tried and tested throughout the ages. A taste so studied and reflected on that its very name evokes the essence of what wine is and should strive to be. Whatever it is, it certainly couldn't be an accidental creation less than three hundred years old that we didn't really know anything about until the 90s.

The History of Cabernet Sauvignon or Hangin' Tough by New Wine on the Block

Cabernet sauvignon originated in the 17th century. That's right, Cab is about as old as the Liberty Bell. Compare that with pinot noir, which has been grown in the Burgundy region of France alone since 100AD. Wine has been around practically as long as grapes, so it's not surprising that the history is somewhat hard to pin down for most varietals. Within the past 20 years, they've actually begun doing DNA testing on grapes to see where certain types come from. Before the late 90s, rumor had it that cabernet sauvignon was an ancient grape use to make Roman wine around the time of legendary historian Pliny the Elder. That was complete fucking horseshit. Cab is actually the offspring of Cabernet franc and Sauvignon blanc, likely a chance crossing sometime in the 17th century. To recap: a grape called Cabernet sauvignon is a cross between a grape called Cabernet franc and a grape called Sauvignon blanc. We needed DNA to tell us this.
Despite its relative new comer status, Cabernet sauvignon is possibly the most well-known red wine in the world. It is planted in virtually every vineyard in every corner of the globe. Only Merlot is more widely available, a fact only true as recently as the 1990s.

How'd It Get So Fucking Popular?

Simply put, the grape is fucking hard to kill. It has a thick skin, with vines very resistant to frost, rot, and disease. It's like the dandelion of grapes... cab can grow pretty much anywhere. This has also helped make it widely available, giving it another mark in the popularity column. Cabs have very high tipicity (which is wine douche-speak for tasting the same as other wines of the same varietal) so you have a pretty good idea what you're getting when you pick up a bottle. Cabernet sauvignon is also a wine that gets better with age, making it a hit with collectors and wine snobs the world over. It's also very high in alcohol content... so, there's that.
I've seen a few places that also claim the ease of pronouncing Cabernet sauvignon has led to its growth and popularity. I couldn't resist sharing that fucking little nugget of craziness with you. Enjoy it.

So, What Does It Taste Like?
Cabernet Sauvignon is known for tasting like bell peppers. If that sounds pretty fucking gross, you're not alone. While wine nerds go out of their way to stress that this taste isn't exactly a bad thing (a "wine fault" if you want to be a tool about it) most winemakers do their damnedest to get rid of it. This taste comes mostly from under-ripened grapes, which are more common in wines that come from cooler climates.
Cabs also have naturally high tannins. Tannins cause that dry, puckery taste in your mouth during and after drinking. It loses this bite with age. Fermenting and aging in oak barrels also helps cut down on tannins, which works especially well with cabs.

I'm pretty firmly against the well-known process of describing the taste of wine. Describing wine as tasting like "gasoline" or "pencil box" is just fucking stupid. Cabernet sauvignon most often has a nice, even dryness with some hints of fruit. Barrel aging is going to give you the biggest variation in flavor (and lessening of tannins): light oak gives you a much more mellow flavor, while dark lends a more smoky flavor. Overall, I would describe a good cab as being extremely full bodied. It isn't for the weekend wine drinker who likes their vino to taste like Hawaiian Punch.

Goes Well With a Big Mac, I Assume?

Actually, yeah... though, as with any food pairing suggestion, I say do what you want. Cabernet sauvignon, being an extremely fucking aggressive wine, tends to go well with any other strong flavors, especially red meat and thick tomato sauces. Personally, I love a nice ball-busting cab with anything on the grill or barbecued (especially ribs). There aren't a lot of flavors that will overpower it, so feel free to enjoy a nice, rich dessert and light up a cigar or pipe after dinner. Bottom line: stay away from light or delicate flavors and you'll be all right.

As for a specific bottle recommendation... you aren't going to get one. One of the bad things about the ease and availability of Cabernet sauvignon is that it has had a tendency to hurt local and regional grape varieties. It's like Walmart moving in next to the local Mom & Pop and knocking them out of business. If you want a Cabernet sauvignon, buy something that originated locally. That way you can get shithoused and stimulate the local economy at the same time.

Medium Rare: A Love Story

2011-04-25T13:44:00.000-07:00

If you're a regular reader of this blog, then you've undoubtedly learned a thing or two about steak.There's one subject concerning nature's most perfect food that I've avoided, and for good reason. That subject is: degree of cooking.
Degree of cooking (or "steak doneness") is a divisive topic to say the least. Everyone has their opinion. I'm normally a very live and let live kinda guy... tastes vary, and if you like something a certain way then that's the way you should have it. However, I have a real problem with one-half of the doneness debate, which I'm addressing now.
There are two kinds of people when it comes to degree of cooking, as illustrated in the following images:

and

As if you couldn't have guessed by the title of this post, I'm firmly in the first camp. However, I try not to be an asshole about it. There are a lot of myths and misconceptions about steak doneness and, as a result, cooking and eating meat in general. It is these misconceptions that lead most people to request and then consume poorly prepared (overcooked) steak. It's akin to ordering a soggy bowl of cereal. These myths also keep many people from ever trying a properly prepared steak, for fear of death.
My aim is to address the four myths that cause most people to shy away from eating a properly cooked steak, starting with the biggest one of all, which I will now indicate with bold text and a large font.

Myth #1: Medium rare steak will make you sick

These are not in steak

To really debunk this myth, we need to understand a little bit about what it is in undercooked meat that makes you sick. According to the CDC, the three most common types of food borne diseases are campylobacter, salmonella, and E. coli O157:H7. When you're concerned about getting sick from food, it's these three motherfuckers that should be on your mind. So, where do they come from? Campylobacter and E. coli O157:H7 all live in shit, either outside or inside the digestive tract. Salmonella also lives in shit, but it has the added feature of also partying in contaminated water. The important thing to remember here is that NONE of these bacteria live inside your steak. They all come from outside sources (shit, contaminated water, dirty food prep areas, unwashed hands, e.t.c.). There is no way these bacteria can get inside your steak. Since all steaks are at least seared on the outside (or specially prepared otherwise), you can eat rare and even raw steak every day and not get sick: the searing more than kills any kind of bacteria that could be hanging around. Now, the same cannot be said for pork, chicken, or ground beef. Pork and chicken both suffer from bacteria that exist physically within their flesh. Ground beef is ground up and there's no telling what could have fallen in there. In short: your steak will NOT make you sick.

Myth #2: There are five degrees of cooking a steak

This is not a rare steak

The five most common degrees you'll hear are rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, and well. There are actually seven: the list begins with raw, then moves to very rare. This may not seem like a big deal, but leads many people to believe that rare is just one step above inedible. As you read above, you can eat a steak raw if you like, and suffer no ill effects. In fact, many well-known dishes (steak tartar and carpaccio to name just two) are made with raw steak. Very rare steak (also known as seared, black and blue, or Pittsburgh rare) is the true rarest of the rare as far as traditional steak is concerned. It's seared on the outside and left cold to cool within, though many chefs will toss it in an oven to warm it after searing. A rare steak, despite the name, is a thoroughly cooked steak. Medium rare is a step even further.

Myth #3: Medium rare steak is bloody

This is not blood

There is no blood in your steak. The red liquid that many people call blood is actually a combination of fat, water, and myoglobin, a protein found in the muscle tissue of most mammals. Myoglobin binds with iron and oxygen within the tissue and gives meat its color. It's also going to be present in your meat no matter how long you cook it... longer cooking time just changes its color from red to brown. Speaking of...

Myth #4: Steak isn't done until it's brown

Brownness doesn't equal doneness. As it said above, brownness is just the myoglobin reacting to prolonged temperatures. There's really no such thing as a steak being "done", again, because it's based entirely on taste. Your steak is done when it tastes the way you want it to taste. Which brings me to the biggest point I'd like to make: To the vast majority of people, a medium rare steak tastes better than a steak cooked longer. Period. The two biggest contributors to flavor outside of the quality of the meat is physical temperature and fat content. Fat makes a steak taste good, and the longer you cook your steak, the more fat you lose. However, very few people want to eat cold or even cool meat. So, since fat and temperature are inversely proportional, we need to find the middle point between temperature and fat loss. Consulting the handy chart to the left, we see that middle point is medium rare: You have a nice, warm center with a moderately high fat content.

If it seems simple, good. It is. If you're waiting for the other shoe to drop... it isn't coming. Unfortunately, the preponderance of these myths keep people from even attempting to eat a steak that isn't cooked to medium well or longer. A famous chef once said, "A well done steak is for people who don't like steak."
If you normally order your steak between medium and well done, think back to all of the steaks you've eaten in your life. Have you ever eaten a steak that was truly outstanding, with a taste better than others you've had? Probably not. Medium to well-done steaks, in truth, all taste the same: like generic cooked meat. It's good, sure... but it's not great.
I hope I've convinced you to do yourself a favor and have your next steak medium rare. You won't get sick, you won't be consuming undercooked meat or blood, and most importantly, it might change your life. Your food life, anyway.

Mojito Part 2: La Moderno

2011-04-06T08:16:00.000-07:00

What You Need
Granulated cane sugar
Carbonated water (soda, seltzer, sparkling... just don't use tonic)
Fresh limes
Fresh mint
Light/White rum (decent quality, Bacardi or higher)
Ice
Highball glass
Jigger
Shaker

The classic mojito is like Desi Arnaz... a bit dated, but still fun, enjoyable, and pretty badass. You've made the classic mojito and enjoyed it, but as far as I'm concerned, there are a couple of problems. First and foremost is inconsistency. As many times as I've made them, every fucking one is different and it's next to impossible to get it just the way you like it. Personally, I like a nice kick of mint in my mojito. The classic I made for this blog ended up having more lime than mint. Sometimes I'll get it too sweet, or not sweet enough, or overly minty. The reason for this is our second problem... the use of a muddler. Muddling isn't very precise, especially when you're working with three ingredients. Plus, a bent spoon will work in a pinch, but if you're going to make these semi-regularly (and you are), it'll get real old real quick. I cannot justify owning a specific tool that is used in just one fucking drink. Luckily, our two problems have one solution... a little thing I like to call mint infused simple syrup. It's an easily measurable, easily mixable replacement for both the mint and the sugar, making the mojito la moderno a lot like Cuban model-turn-singer Mayra Veronica... trim, sleek, and just about perfect.

Step 1: First we need to make our mint infused simple syrup, which is not at all hard. Combine a cup of water and a cup of sugar in a pot over high heat.

Throw in an entire spring of mint. Entire means stem and all.

Bring to a boil. Let it boil for about five minutes.

Remove your mixture from the heat and let it cool for a few minutes. Transfer everything (syrup and mint) to a suitable airtight container...

then put it in the ice box next to your mustard. Much like you're brewing tea, you'll want the mint to steep in your mixture for a while, depending on how strong you want the mint flavor. I suggest a few hours. Once it's steeped to your liking, remove the mint. Your syrup will keep for about two weeks.

Step 2: Now, unlike the classic, we can combine the entire drink right in the shaker (thanks to our elimination of muddling). Measure the proper amount of ice you want in your highball glass first, then transfer it to the shaker.

Now put in the following: 3 ounces of rum, 2 ounces of soda, and 1.5 ounces of mint infused simply syrup. Fruit murder half a lime in with it. I like to toss in a thin lime slice here as well, and you could add a few mint leaves if you want.

Shake it until the tin frosts. This means all you delicate types should go ask your mother where she put your little mittens.

If this is your fist time, give it a quick sip from the shaker. You can add in more of anything that you feel it is lacking based on your taste... more booze, lime, or syrup to increase those flavors, or if it's a bit too strong all around, add another half-ounce of soda to even it out.

Step 3: Transfer to your highball and enjoy.

Mojito Part 1: The Classic

2011-03-31T09:33:00.000-07:00

What You Need
Powdered sugar
Carbonated water (soda, seltzer, sparkling... just don't use tonic)
Fresh limes
Fresh mint
Light/White rum (decent quality, Bacardi or higher)
Ice
Highball glass
Jigger
Shaker

Summer is slowly approaching and it's time to start thinking about my summer cocktail for 2011. This has been a personal tradition of mine for about five years... each summer I seem to pick one cocktail and stick with it all season long. Last year was the summer of the mint julip, a southern classic. This year, the mojito has her Cuban claws deeply embedded.
As far as I'm concerned, the mojito is a perfect cocktail: not too sweet or heavy with a great flavor and plenty of zest (from both the rum and the lime). Plus, Ernest fucking Hemmingway drank them, and the only thing that man liked more than drinking was killing shit with huge guns. He is truly a man to be emulated.
This is part one of a two part series, focusing on the classic Cuban mojito. Part two will be a my more personal twist on the drink... but it's important to know where you come from, so here's the classic.

Step 1: The classic is dependent on a combination of sugar, lime, and mint muddled together to give it that distinctive mojito flavor. To start, drop about six full mint leaves into your highball glass.

Now, fruit murder half of a lime into your glass. Much like lemons, you have to squeeze hard to get every drop out of your lime. Your reign of terror continues... fruits be fucking warned. Tradition varies on how much lime to add... some say a full lime, others say half and garnish with the other half. I say... your choice.

Now you're going to add your powdered sugar. Tradition dictates you use one teaspoon. I suggest at least two, or it gets lost in the mix. Give your contents a quick-yet-gentle stir to help dissolve the sugar.

Step 2: It's time to muddle. You can either get out your muddler or, if you aren't a professional bartender, create what I like to call a ghetto muddler. Find a spoon you don't like and bend it as shown below. It doesn't work as well as an actual muddler, but it does the job.

Now muddle. You'll want to use up-and-down motions (like you're stabbing a hooker) as well as grinding side-to-side motions (like you're crushing a foe's face beneath your jackboot). Try not to tear the mint leaves... you're pressing, not shredding.

Step 3: Fill your glass most of the way up with ice. You'll want to leave some room for your incoming booze and soda.

Now, pour in two ounces of rum and two ounces of seltzer, utilizing your jigger.

Step 4: Dump all of this concoction into your shaker. This is an important yet often overlooked step to making this cocktail... stirring to combine just doesn't do the trick.

Placing both hands firmly on the shaker (top and bottom), shake. Use quick up and down motions and don't stop until the tin is all frosty.

Like so. If you're a pussy, you might want to use a bar towel to insulate your thin, fragile hands from the cold, cold shaker.

Pour back into your highball glass and enjoy.

Motherfucking Booze Time: Stouts and Porters

2011-03-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

Today is Saint Patrick's day and, more importantly, I'm heading to New Orleans tomorrow. These two things are pretty much unrelated... I'm going to Louisiana to see some friends for spring break and I don't need a fucking holiday to tell me when to drink. Everyone knows the best time to drink is now, followed closely by later. However, Saint Patrick's Day and my trip do have one thing in common: they're both to be a celebration of my favorite kind of beer.
I like my beer the way I like my women: dark, cold, slightly bitter, and filled with alcohol. Stouts (also called porters, but we'll get into that fucking subject later) are the darkest and among the most alcoholic of beers. Now, I'm not one to drink something just because it's loaded with booze... but when you're looking for something with a powerful taste, alcohol comes with the territory. I can't handle the generic, pissy beer taste of your Budweiser and Miller Lite. I want something with some balls. Whether you're a beer drinker or not, I urge you to give a stout a try. It really is a whole different league as far as flavor goes... and, hey, they even make some of them with chocolate.

The History of Stouts or The Best Way to Get Too Drunk to Carry Shit

The history of the stout/porter dates back all the way the 1700s. Like most booze history, the actual story is a little fuzzy at first... getting wasted for 300 years tends to change shit. Allegedly, the grandfather of the porter was actually a blend of ale, beer, and really fucking strong beer called Three Threads. This was a drink of the working alcoholic, primarily ship and street porters a.k.a. people whose job is to carry heavy shit. This was the primo drink for about thirty years, until a brewer managed to brew a single beer that had a similar taste (or it might have been brewed just because... this is one of those fuzzy areas) which he called Entire and the rest of England called porter after the folks that drank them. This same brewer was the first to age beer BEFORE it was sent out to the drinking public, lending even more punch to the brew.
Porters, along with dark, extremely alcoholic beers in general, were hot shit until about 1800, when the first pale ale was brewed. Tastes changed and porters got milder and milder, until most breweries stopped making them all together, leaving them behind as relics of a drunken century. With the micro-brew revolution, everything that was old is new again, and stouts are back in a big way.

So What's the Fucking Difference?
There isn't one. The term stout came from the most common adjective used to describe a porter, thus becoming a common term for the beverage itself. Stout and porter are no different than wine and vino or ice and frozen water. It's pretty much whatever the person who brews it wants it to be called... or at least the guy who wrote the label. I prefer to call them all stouts.

Shit You Shouldn't Believe
Dark beers, especially stouts, have a tendency to intimidate people. These pussies have invented and propagated many untruths about my beloved stouts, and I'm here to set the record straight:

Myth One: Stouts are often brewed with dead animals floating in the barrel: Stouts are brewed pretty much the same way other beer is brewed... the big difference is the ingredient used (dark and roasted malts). Guinness is brewed with a fish byproduct called isinglass which doesn't make it into the final product, so the strictest of vegetarians might avoid it, but beyond that... this is shit.
Myth Two: Stouts are Fattening: When compared to other beers, not really. There might be a few more calories, but it's not a whole hell of a lot. Wine is more fattening than 90% of stouts.
Myth Three: Stouts are to be served warm: Nope. Beer (including stouts) is served cold pretty much worldwide. It's true that beer used to be served warm... hundreds of years ago before the advent of refrigeration and when many people thought tomatoes were poisonous. If you order a stout, it should be cold. If it is, get a new bartender.

Dry/Irish

The most popular stout by far is the dry or Irish stout. It's also the one most people are familiar with... Guinness. Founder/Lord and Savior Arthur Guinness brewed his first beer at St. James Gate brewery in 1759 and his first porter in 1778. Irish stouts have a coffee, toast-like flavor with a full, robust body. Guinness Extra Stout is my go-to beer and comprises about 77.4% of my total anatomy. Contrary to popular belief, Irish stouts aren't all that alcoholic when compared to others.

Imperial

Unlike most booze history, imperial stout (or Russian imperial stout) originated in a very specific place: Thrale's Brewery in London. In the late 1700s, they started to brew an extremely potent dark stout for export to the court of Russia's Catherine II. These are typically the most alcoholic stouts you'll encounter, coming it at around 8 or 9% ABV. Contrary to popular belief, the amount of alcohol has nothing to do with the Ruskies loving to get shit-housed... more alcohol allowed the brew to be transported to the Motherland without freezing en route. My favorite widely available Imperial is Old Rasputin by North Coast Brewing. It has a very bold flavor, with roasted malts, caramels, and even a hint of chocolate making an appearance.

Oatmeal
When beer was near its infancy, oats were a common component. However, fermented oats are seriously fucking bitter, so the use of oats in beer died out shortly after the medieval period in Europe. There was a brief oat revival in the late 19th century when certain beers were touted as being good for you. Milk stouts, which contain lactose, were also popular around this time, though I'm not covering them here because they're pretty rare these days. Early 1900s oat beers actually contained very few oats, again because oats are bitter as fuck.
In the late 70s, oatmeal stouts got another resurgence, thanks mostly to English brewer Samuel Smith and world renowned alcohol journalist Michael Jackson (no, not THAT Michael Jackson). Today's oatmeal stouts are patterned after Sam Smith's original, and have lost the bitterness of their ancestors to form a very smooth, even taste. I've actually only ever had one oatmeal stout, Samuel Smith's original, and it's pretty fucking good.

Oyster

Historically, porters and oysters went together like hookers and Saturday night, which makes sense... ship porters drink stouts and eat oysters. Today's oyster stouts take it a step further and will sometime actually ferment the brew with oysters in the barrel. You might be thinking to yourself, "Man, that sure sounds like a gimmick to me." Yeah, well me too. Not all oyster stouts are born with oysters... some are called that just because they go well with oysters.

That's what you need to know about stouts and porters. There are a few more varieties, but most of those are self-explanatory: chocolate stouts have a chocolate flavor, coffee stouts have a coffee flavor, e.t.c. I urge you to go expand your beer drinking horizons. Like, right now.

Lemon Glazed Chicken

2011-03-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

Ingredients
Chicken breast (strips, fillets, halves... whatever blows your skirt)
Lemons
Fresh parsley
Vegetable oil
Butter
Salt
Pepper

Thus sayeth Natalie Dee

After a slightly lengthy vacation/prison sentence, I'm back to the blog. I would apologize for my absence, but I don't care what the fuck you think, so... there's that.
When you go to the grocery store to gather lemons to make this (which you will do if you know what's good for you) make sure you get the best lemons in the pile. This requires a little fruit investigation. You want a lemon that feels heavy but not hard. When you squeeze it there should be some give... a hard lemon means a thicker rind, which means you get less juice. Obviously, you'll want to avoid any lemons that have brown splotches, but green splotches are ok. Lemons change from green to yellow based entirely on temperature, not age, so a bit of green is perfectly fine. You can expect about three tablespoons of juice from your lemon, but that doesn't mean you should substitute bottled for fresh squeezed. Bottled lemon juice, while fine for cocktails, doesn't have the same delicate flavor as fresh lemon juice, so buy the goddamn fruit.

Preparation
1. Get out your skillet and toss in one tablespoon of oil and three tablespoons of butter (salted or sweet cream, it make little difference) over medium high heat.

Once you're all melted and a good portion of the buttery foam has subsided...

... insert your chicken.

2. Set out a plate or piece of aluminum foil. Let the chicken cook until it's time to flip (4 to 5 minutes for strips or fillets, more for halves), then remove them to your foil/plate with a fork. Season both sides with salt and pepper.

Return your chicken, uncooked side down, to the pan to finish cooking.

Once they're done, remove them from the pan and set aside for a few minutes.

3. Turn your heat down to medium. Halve two lemons and squeeze the juice directly into the pan. You'll want to squeeze hard... just imagine you're choking the lemon to death, perhaps because that little yellow bastard owes you money or ratted you out to the cops. You really gotta get the job done or the rest of the fruit won't respect you, and you've worked too hard to lose your empire now, goddamnit. Use a spatula or wooden spoon to scrape the pan a bit to destroy the evidence of your fruit-slaughter. Take a deep breath... fruit murder smells great. Don't forget to put the crushed rind in the ice box as a reminder to your oranges and tangerines that you're back and you're not taking any fucking lip.

Add another tablespoon of butter and your chopped fresh parsley. You chopped your parsley, right? If not, read the entire fucking recipe before you start cooking, asshole.

Keep the contents of the pan moving with your spatula until the butter melts.

3. Turn your heat down to low and add your chicken back into the pan.

Let the chicken get well coated in the glaze, just a few minutes per side.

4. Remove your chicken back to your plate. Go ahead and pour the lemony contents of your pan directly over your chicken.

Plate and serve.