I was scared of them but they were going to be my responsibility and I had to learn how to catch them.

I gave myself an hour each afternoon to go into the pasture with my catching rope;  following the horses around, but mostly running away from them. After about a week I let a horse come near, I put the rope over his neck and walked him over to the barn.

This "stay there for an hour" method has also worked well for me when learning Digital Performer and other scary programs.

It sets the tone: I'm going to stick it out and let this wildly unknown world seep in.

What have you found that helps you learn something new?

and what we are and

what happens and

what do we believe.

She said, "I'd like to believe in SOMEthing!"

I felt an expanse at my back and an understanding that the intelligence behind the complexity of Life is so broad it can probably accommodate any belief system we throw at it.

2. She said I should call the company direct.

3. I called the company (keyed thru phone menu for English, policy holder, policy number, person) they said,

"You must get your insurance agent to request re-instating you."

I said, "She told me to call you!"

He said, "No, you have to call her!"

4. I called the insurance agent.

5. She called the insurance company, requested I be re-instated.

6. She called me.

7. I called the insurance company (keyed thru phone menu for English, policy holder, policy number, person) got re-instated.

This is how we do business!

One day last week I received only 2 phone calls the whole day.

The first call started out, “May I speak to the person in charge of this business?” He said he was Dave, calling (from India) to verify this was the number and address for the Superpages online. Since it was my personal unlisted phone number he was calling, and the address was my home and not my business I stayed on the line to straighten things out.

Dave of India was not a patient man; he read the disclaimers at 100 mph and when I asked for clarification he told me not to interrupt, and started the schpiel again from the top.  I spent about 15 minutes with Dave - both of us completely aggravated with each other.

The second call started out, “May I speak to the person in charge?”

I said, “…of?”

The caller said, ’I’d like to speak to the lady of the house.” 

I said “Who is this?”

Then he identified himself as an old friend calling to make a donation to my not-for-profit Arts organization.

There was a clear moment of light and freedom and I heard the replay of my tone of voice; the one geared up for Dave of India, the one that was full of disdain and resentment – the tone of voice I imagine I’ll hear in others that prevents me calling to ask for help.

There’s a name for this; a Japanese concept about approaching the big things by taking almost imperceptibly small steps. So small they barely seem like an effort. 

Does anyone know the name of this concept/principle?

I believe there are books on it and I'd like to read one.

Objects change their nature.

I have a textured silver little zipper bag brief case that I bought for a project; someone was interested in hiring me to write the music to her words. I put the spec music in it to take to her. After she said No, that was too much money and the music wasn’t right and she would look for another composer, I didn’t wanted to put anything in that bad luck silver zipper bag ever again. It was too good an object to throw away but it was unusable. Until -  three or four years later when she asked for my advice about that same project and, over lunch, told me how much she wanted me to be in it. Then the bag started to look better and after the performance went very well, the little bag had become detoxified and ready for use again.

My mother gives me gifts from the five and dime. This one is a miniature lava lamp. Instead of lava there’s glitter and a little color wheel inside that changes the light from red to green to blue. It used to be a sad little item, cheap and mass produced and not really a part of the way I live. Now, since the deep reconciliation my sister and I had with my stepfather, and the time we all went through together last summer when my mother was in the hospital, the little lamp has become adorable. At night I shake it up to make the light go on and throw swirly red green and blue glitter patterns on the ceiling and the wall.

A few years back in spare moments I would sometimes get captured in a critical line of thought about the Amercian Flag. I couldn’t stand looking at it and started to believe that, of all flags, this one truly had an ugly design. Completely lacking grace - blunt and unintelligent. And a bad color combo. Then after the 2008 election it started looking different; more neutral, not offensive, just like any other flag. The red white and blue sort of simple primal colors. And now, there are even moments that I look at the American Flag and connect with concepts of democracy and freedom, and the feeling I had waiting for four hours to vote with a thousand other people in an atmosphere of world-changing patience; Glad to be part of the USA.  

Krishnamurti’s Comb-Over

I think that says it all.

Human nature.

The range of expression

contained in a world-class philosopher

who devoted his life

to deep communication -

golden threads of thought luring us into

new delicacies of perception.

That comb-over is not a casual act;

It’s not like he just pushed a couple of stray hairs over

It comes from way in the back

If I’m not mistaken there’s some teasing going on in there

to make the pouf.

And a serious amount of hairspray

required to maintain its shape

In a video I saw him walking along the beach

and in the wind,

the thing lifted up like a lid.

What’s with us people?

Why do we even pretend vanity isn’t hardwired into our system.

I waited on the phone for a GE Money customer service representative for over 15 minutes. I wanted to talk to a person because the statement I had didn’t show that I had ever paid anything toward this account.

The woman who finally answered was a little testy right from the beginning. Told me to look at the category called Account Activity. Nowhere on the statement were the words Acoount Activity. I mentioned this to her.

She said, MAM, your not going to see anything under account activity because you haven’t paid anything in the last two months. I said, well  I have paid about $800 to this account over the last year, so where else would I look since there’s nothing on here that says Account Activiity, there’s balance, there’s-

She cut me off, ‘MAM YOU’D HAVE TO LOOK UNDER ACCOUNT ACTIVITY TO  FIND THAT INFORMATION AND IT’S NOT GOING TO BE POSTED UNTIL..”

“Hey now!” I said in a friendly playful voice,”No need to take that tone with me!”

She yelled, “I AM NOT TAKING ANY KIND OF TONE, I’M TRYING TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND” I cut her off in a less friendly playful tone,”But you are naming a category that doesn’t exist on this piece of paper!” “All right mam,” she said, moving into a new vein of viciousness, “Thanks for cal-“

“ I said,”Don’t hang up, donthangupDON’T HANG UP! I’ve got another question!”

“-ling GE Customer Service.”

And she hung up.

I went on line and created a username password and etc just so I could log on and send a furious e-mail to someone who might care.

But after going through the whole rigamarole and clicking CONTACT US it just advised me to call the customer service number I had recently used to such bad effect. 

I want to talk about the oppression of details, and how I feel after I put the little flier together on my computer at home, then drive over to the office and add some stuff from the files on the computer there, and then go across the street to the copy shop and explain and re-explain how the thing I e-mailed over is supposed to work, and then make a last minute decision to go with the blue paper because the color copies of the green came out a terrible yellow.

And doing that took four hours.

And it was only one thing on my list.

And my home is a riot of different projects not so much finished as stopped, cut off - so that others can come to life. My beautiful studio room has lumps of clothes and sheets of music from here to eternity and I pick my way through it with stunted circus pony steps – lifting my hooves up high and putting them down carefully, but without much grace.

And this evening I stepped down on a piece of cloth at just the right angle to slide my leg out 3 feet in front of me.

And the way this Economy has come to life as a connecting force. All of us juggling who gets paid what when. Inch by inch calculations. Some days making a decision whether or not to buy a $4 cup of coffee.

And all the rubble generated by my desires. The more debris I’m creating, the more obvious is the impulse to let go of it. I’m making my own sea to swim through, leaving the thousand bobbing things in my wake. And the surprise is this - the subtle motion beneath is more present than the lists and packages and charts and timelines floating on top. The brilliant depth of light and motion beneath; the clear joyous impulse of life.

I receive probably 25 or 30 messages a day from my own 

e-mail account.

My name right on it. The subject box says things like

"Your message"

"Delivery status"

"Delivery Status (failure)"

"Re: message"

When I open them they say that I have subscribed to MSN (whatever that is) but they respect my privacy and if I’d like to unsubscribe click UNSUBSCRIBE.

When I click UNSUBSCRIBE it takes me directly to Canadian Pharmacy dot com. Pills for days.

I’m scared to report it as SPAM in case that means my own account will somehow be blocked from me. And I just have not come across that extra hour or so to kick back and chat with tech support somewhere in the world.