Knowing I had $6 in my wallet to burn, I zipped over to Starbucks the first chance I got yesterday. The sun was shining, the air was warm, my mood was light. Taking that first sip of the lavender cold foam was such a joy. Not only do I savor the taste, but the purple color is so pretty. A delight for all the senses.

The first time I tried the drink last spring was with a gift card from my dear friend, Kate. I text her to spread the good news of its arrival. Then it hit me. Kate had given me a Starbucks gift card inside a basket of gifts last year because our 7^th baby didn’t have a heartbeat inside my womb.

One year ago I was pregnant. Full of hope. Full of joy. Full of anticipation. Full of wonder over the LIFE I carried inside me.

One year ago I went in for a second ultrasound to see our baby’s heartbeat. Lying on that table with the paper pillow behind my head, scared out of my mind to hear bad news. Hands shaking. My 3 year old daughter standing beside me, holding my hand, rubbing my arm. Me smiling bravely at her. Trying to assure her with my face Mama was alright! I wasn’t.

The tech put the gel on my belly. She swirled the probe around and around. And around. Pause. “Have you ever had a vaginal ultrasound?”  she asked. My heart dropped into my stomach. “Yes, ma’am.” SO. Many. Times. I have lost count. “How about you step into the bathroom, cover up with a sheet and we’ll take a closer look.” After 15 years of experience, I know what this means. She can’t find a heartbeat.

My already trembling body hops off the table, heads to the bathroom, and my daughter skips along beside me. She chitchats and smiles and holds her BunBun. I put the sheet around myself, head back into the exam room, back onto the table…and wait.

More swirling around with the ultrasound probe. Around and around and around. The tech announces what I already know, “I’m so sorry. The baby has no heartbeat.” No heartbeat. Our Lila Zoe is with Jesus. She’s no longer in me.

I wipe off the gel. I get dressed. I smile at my daughter. I go through the motions. “We’re almost done here, Honey. Then we’ll get some lunch, OK?” We move into another exam room. Pregnant women everywhere. Babies in carriers sitting all around the office.

I wait. And wait. My daughter spins around with the curtain in the corner. Not a care in the world. She imagines she’s in a world far away. I’m in another world, too. Far, far away.

A male doctor walks in. I’ve never met him. I’ve never seen him. I don’t know him at all. He doesn’t know me. None of the midwives I have known for years are available to see me. We schedule a surgery date and time for 6 days later. SIX DAYS.  Another season of grief begins.

Yesterday I sent a picture of my lavender cold foam matcha to Kate. “It’s been a year” I said. Her heart aches with me, she replies. “How is the grief hitting you today?” Her question opens the door that has been squeezed shut tight.

The taste of lavender brought joy, and it also brought sorrow. Grief sits so close to the edge- one taste of something from a season of pain pushes all those feelings over that cliff. One question from a dear friend who KNOWS is all it takes for the floodgates to open.

I have learned to embrace the grief when it wants to surface. To remember our 7 babies in heaven with sorrow. To cry over years and years of loss. To sit with my empty womb, and honor my body for what it has endured.

Last night, I rode in the car with Chuck and the kids. Noise. Chaos. Everyone talking. My spirit was worshipping with The Spirit. “No longer I who live, but Christ in me. I have been born again. My heart set free. The Hope of Heaven before me, the grave behind. Hallelujah. He brought me back to Life.” (“Back to Life”, Bethel Music. Zahriya Zachary)

Jesus is with me.

Can you hear the angels’ song?

Calling us into His Presence

Drawing us to sing along

We gather here to bring You Honor

Our blessed hope to see Your face

Spirit, Son, and Holy Father

Come make us now Your resting place

He is wonderful!

He is beautiful!

He is radiant!

He is Jesus!

(He Is Wonderful, by Jesus Image)

A new song popped up on Spotify this past Friday. While driving to Aldi the lyrics and music filled my senses, and quickly moved to my spirit that day. Tears came rushing to the surface. The Spirit was moving. Powerfully. I told Chuck about it during dinner Friday night, and couldn’t stop the tears. We listened to the song on the way to our kid’s school carnival a little later, and I wept again. Over the next two days I played it over and over. Almost every time I would cry, but I couldn’t articulate why.

A fire was rising up in my spirit. Later that night, Chuck and I listened to a live message online from Damon Thompson, and I spent time with Jesus in the book of Romans the next day studying what I had learned the previous night: The Hebrew word for God’s presence is Faces (Face-to-Face with God). On Saturday afternoon I had the opportunity of praying for some ladies in desperate situations. All the way there, and all the way home, “He Is Wonderful” blasted in the car. I joked with Chuck about how much I had been playing the song. He commented that I was warring in the spirit through worship.

That evening brought our favorite night of the month- Barn Worship at the House of Bread. Our family has been attending monthly worship nights at our friend’s (Jamie and Christine) barn for close to a year now. After chatting with others while eating dinner, we settled in for a time of ministering to the Father’s heart through singing, praying, reading Scripture, and ….what happened next was an encounter with God like nothing I have ever experienced.

There is a big, soft rug at the front of the room in the barn. Our family was sitting in the front row, so it was only a foot or so away from me. I kept feeling pulled to sit on the rug. It’s always a battle in my mind when I feel a prompting like that. “Should I really sit on the rug? Why would I do that?” I couldn’t shake the urge, so I plopped down. It was sweet to be low, and safe. Face to Face with Spirit, Son, and Holy Father. My left hand felt the fibers of the rug while my right felt the cool concrete. I was grounded.

Moving back to my chair a little while later brought with it a chance to observe the people around me. One friend was lying in a fetal position on the rug, while another laid flat on his back. A longing to sit back on the rug came over me. The hesitation was shorter this time, and down I went. “I wish I could lay down on the rug…” the thought was quiet and loud at the same time. “Well why not?” I told myself, “If Christine sings one more song, I’ll lay down for a minute…” She continued singing. So… I laid down on my side.

Like most people, it would take too long, and there are too many layers to express to you the years of pain, the years of grief, the years of warring, and the hours of sleep stolen from me I have endured. In that moment lying on the rug, it was all lifted off of me. I laid there feeling safe, free, my spirit fully at rest, completely relaxed, with joy in my heart and a smile on my lips. I knew I was in God’s Presence: “Faces”. I was Face-to-Face with my Savior. I don’t know how long I laid there. At one point, my dear friend Kate sat next to me scratching my back singing over me.

Simultaneously, a choir was singing. Loudly. Radiantly. It was one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever experienced. The notes, the melody, the voices were like nothing I had ever heard. Angelic even. “Am I in Heaven?!” crossed my mind. I didn’t want the choir to stop singing, I wanted to listen forever. “Holy, Holy, Holy! Worthy, Worthy, Worthy!” I was in such a relaxed state, I felt myself drool- and that made me laugh! God, you are wonderful! It was an especially wildly sweet gift because I have always loved choirs.

Today, after I dropped the kids off from school, I blasted the song again. Today it was like hearing those lyrics for the first time. My body broke out in chills all over. I felt like gasping out loud! Chuck’s words from Saturday afternoon came back to me, “You are warring in the Spirit through worship.”

Can you hear the sound of heaven?

Can you hear the angels’ song?

Calling us into His Presence

Drawing us to sing along

We gather here to bring You Honor

Our blessed hope to see Your face

Spirit, Son, and Holy Father

Come make us now Your resting place

He is wonderful!

He is beautiful!

He is radiant!

He is Jesus!

(He Is Wonderful, by Jesus Image)

I didn’t even know what “hearing the sound of Heaven”, or “hearing the angels’ song” meant until my encounter on the rug Saturday night. I didn’t realize it until I listened to the song again this morning after purposely not listening yesterday! After warring through worship in the Spirit for two days prior, it was like my spirit called it into being for Saturday night. The angels came to draw me to His Presence. They called my spirit to sing along. We gathered to bring Him honor, and hoped to see His face.

Then….He made me His resting place.

When my oldest daughter, Basye, was one year old she got her first pair of glasses. For the previous 18 months she had been wearing a helmet for 23 hours a day. The day after she was cleared from wearing her helmet, we were told she needed eye surgery and glasses. 8 months later, her big brother started showing signs he needed glasses, too. Jase got his first pair of glasses on Valentines Day of 2017. He was three years old.

For the last 7 years we have prayed healing over both Basye and Jase’s eyes. Two different times, our pediatrician suggested our youngest daughter, Tatum needed glasses, too. We stood in faith, refusing to believe the words spoken over her. We asked friends to stand with us in faith and prayer, as well. She has seen an ophthalmologist twice, and has completely healthy eyes!

It can be challenging to stand against what a “health professional” claims over our kids, but we have been learning along the way to reject negative health declarations spoken over us or our kids. Because Jesus died for us, His blood already paid for our salvation. As believers in Jesus, sozo/salvation means we are not only saved from Hell, but we are healed, whole, delivered, set free! Even when symptoms of sickness are coming against us- Jesus says we are sozo: saved, healed, whole, delivered, set free. Not sick. Not vision impaired.

Chuck and I are passionate about speaking life, not speaking death. (Proverbs 18:21) It can be as simple as changing our perspective from “I have a cold” to “Cold symptoms are coming against me”. We’re not going to claim the cold, but claim our sozo: saved, healed, whole, delivered, set free. Not sick.

On Monday, Jase and Basye had their yearly ophthalmologist appointment. At last year’s appointment, Dr. Carter (our amazing doctor!) spoke LIFE over Jase and said, “Maybe next year you won’t have to wear glasses anymore.” In faith, Jase received that as true and believed all year he would be done with glasses. We continued to pray in faith that God would heal both of our kid’s eyes. I have to be honest, I was a little nervous heading into their appointment. I refused to tell Jase, “Just so you know, you might not be healed.” It’s not my job to try to shelter him from disappointment, it’s my responsibility to speak LIFE over him. Still, I was nervous he would be disappointed.

At the end of Jase’s exam, I saw Dr. Carter write out on RX for Jase. My heart dropped as I realized he would still need glasses. To my bewilderment, he handed me the RX and said something like, “Jase can wear glasses if he wants to, but really he doesn’t need them anymore.” It didn’t sink in right away. I wanted to celebrate and cheer, but I also knew Basye was in the room and still very much needed her glasses. I asked my slew of Mom questions, the kids all picked a prize, and we headed out. I was in awe of God. I still am. After 6 ½ years of only ever seeing Jase in glasses, he was set free. Exactly one week before his 10th birthday, His eyes were healed! God performed a miracle!

We have prayed over Jase- thanking and praising God for this amazing miracle in his life. Jase’s name means “Healer” and I find it astounding how often God has healed our boy. He has been healed so he can be a conduit to speak LIFE and sozo (saved, healed, whole, delivered, set free!) over other people. Including his sister. You better believe we are pressing in and standing in faith for Basye’s eyes to be set free, as well.

A couple months ago, my older brother and one of my nephews stopped by our house for a few hours. They had been visiting my parents in PA, and were making their way back home to NC. They brought a bunch of stuff with them, including a large bag my Mom had sent containing special items she had saved for me (and my kids) from my Grandma’s house.

I sifted through the bag and looked at a couple items, but got so overwhelmed with grief I set it aside. It has sat in my room ever since. I walked by it multiple times a day for weeks, but was never ready to look through it. All this time, it was a comfort for me to have it sitting there next to my bed.

Until today.

As a family we were purging a bunch of stuff and organizing things in our attic. Maybe because our bedroom was finally organized, it felt like the right time to look through the bag.

I closed our bedroom door, lifted the bag onto our bed, and started unwrapping one special gift at a time. The smell of my Grandma’s house flowed over me as I opened each item. I have asked God to bring that scent back to me for the rest of my life- whenever He decides to fill my senses with it. Just like today.

The bag was full of meaningful, precious items my Mom had picked out for me to keep. A few things I had requested, and had expected. Other things were a total surprise. But in the back of my mind, I had wondered about something for the last several months.

Months ago, before Grandma had passed away, I had asked my Mom if I could have Grandma’s Iowa Starbucks mug one day. She said there was already a sticker with one of my cousin’s name on it. Mom said she would ask my cousin about it. I hadn’t heard what was decided, and certainly wasn’t going to ask. It was “just” a mug after all, and was one reason I had bought my own while I was out there last time.

Today as I rooted through the bag, I had this hope in the back of my heart that maybe the mug would be in there. Everything was wrapped in tissue paper, so as I grabbed each item there was this anticipation as I unfolded each piece. What would be inside? Finally, I reached the bottom of the bag, and grabbed the last item.

There’s one thing I have learned about God to be True. (Well yes, there are countless things about God that are True…) He delights in the things that delight and surprise me. There are no little delights or little surprises to Him. He sees me, and absolutely knows the deepest longings of my heart, even when I haven’t expressed them out loud.

Even when it’s “just” an Iowa Starbucks mug from my Grandma.

This morning I mindlessly filled up my Starbucks Iowa coffee mug, added my Silk Mocha Almond Creamer (that sounds so extra!) and continued putzing around. I pulled out my prayer journal intending on spending some time with my Big Papa (AKA: God), and noticed a little flaw in my mug I hadn’t seen before. In a split second, I was flooded with sadness. Grief gripped my heart and squeezed. I knew what to do. “It’s ok. Let the pain come. Feel the sadness. Cry the tears.” It wasn’t about the mug’s flaw. It was about my Grandma. The last time I saw her….

***

“Hon, I think you should fly out to Iowa to see your Grandma…” It had been my Mom on the phone. “Your Aunt Sara called, and it seems things are starting to get worse for Grandma…” I had been told this would happen. I had been told the test results weren’t good. I knew all the information. I just couldn’t believe it. My life wouldn’t make sense anymore if Grandma wasn’t here.

A few days later I was on a plane heading to Iowa from Virginia. I got to spend precious time with my Grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins. There were sacred moments on that trip I hold onto, and ponder deep in my heart. Sweet blessings including moments of comic relief. Grandma loved to laugh. She couldn’t wait to show me a card her mailman had given her as a “thank you note”. When she handed it to me I looked at her inquisitively, “It’s a baby shower card?!” We cracked up laughing.

When the time came for me to fly back home to Virginia, I knew I was going to have to say good-bye to my Grandma. I had hope that somehow, I might see her again in this life, but I also knew there was a chance this might be my last moment with her on earth. She wanted to stand up out of her chair where she had been resting, and I fussed, “No, Grandma, you don’t have to get up.” I’m so glad she did. I think she knew it was our good-bye. Our moment.

I wrapped my arms all the way around her, and she wrapped her arms around me. She had gotten smaller. I could sense her physical frailty, but her spiritual strength. I wanted to hold back my tears. I didn’t want her to know that I knew this could be our end (for now). When I turned and saw my aunts were crying, I let go of my resolve and followed their example.

“Grandma, I’m going to stop at the Starbucks near the airport and look for an Iowa mug so I can have one that matches yours! I’ll let you know if they have one! I love you.”

“Love you, too.” She said. And she did. She always had.

An hour later my Aunt Keren waited in the car while I ran into Starbucks.

They had the mug.

Over the next couple of days, I also began to sense the Lord prompting me to buy supplies for S’mores. I even mentioned my intentions to Chuck and the kids. We were all excited about the idea! Again, I knew it was God’s leading for us to have S’more supplies on hand so we could whip up a fire at a moment’s notice when friends or neighbors stop by. It crossed my mind multiple times, but I hadn’t gotten to the store to purchase anything.

Then it happened. Tonight after dinner two middle school neighbor boys knocked on the back door, and asked Chuck if they could make a fire together and have S’mores. It blew us away! We were so thrilled these boys wanted to spend time with Chuck, but also thrilled because this is exactly what I had sensed from Holy Spirit! When the knock came, and the boys were asking for S’mores, we were *sordof* ready. We were at least prepared in our spirits.

Since we didn’t have the S’more supplies yet, Chuck and the girls walked to Walmart and got everything we needed. Later in the evening, the boys came back over to hang out, and eat a sweet treat, too. Wow! I’m just so overjoyed!

Now I want to hear YOUR stories. How are YOU setting the table by faith? Don’t be surprised who might come knocking at your door.

Recently our dear friends purchased a camper, and my dreams clicked into overdrive. I think seeing it as a reality for my actual, real-life friends made me think of the possibility of it happening for our family. Now don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely no desire for camping or the outdoors. The problem is Chuck and the kids are all so crazy about the idea of camping together. I just can’t get myself to do the tent thing. This is why it’s our big “silly” Family Dream to have an RV. We can all go “camping” together, while Mama spends her days “indoors” if we had one.

The thing is, this really is not a silly dream. I believe God: AKA Abba (Father in Hebrew) or Big Papa (as my new friend likes to say!) has tucked this dream away in all of our hearts. It’s a dream that unites us- we are all equally excited about it. It’s something special that would work for our whole family, even though their ages range from 9 down to 3. It promotes us being together, doing something we love, which is always God’s idea. Plus since it appears so random and quirky- that is a true sign of an Abba Dream! The one thing that seems to most often stand in the way of dreams coming true is money, right? I like to take money out of the equation. Big Papa certainly is never limited by anything, certainly not money.

We had dinner with friends last night, and they also happened to mention they had an RV, and had gone on trips as a family in it. It was like God was whispering to my heart, “See? More real friends of yours have an RV. Keep dreaming!” Then today while Chuck and I were driving, we saw two more RV’s.

I’m going to keep asking, keep believing, and keep dreaming of the day we get to see this surprise from God play out.

Do you have a “silly” dream? What’s that dream building inside of you bubbling over that you know can only be fulfilled by our Big Papa? Maybe you haven’t told anyone, but speak it out loud. Your words carry life!

But what I have experienced is that there is Jesus. I’ve been slightly disappointed to discover that He doesn’t anesthetize my pain, but He shows up every day with me in my pain. I recently read a quote by Dr. Larry Crabb describing this very concept. It oddly brought me hope. I quit looking to Holy Spirit to remove my grief, but instead started to look for Him to join me in my grief. There’s nothing more powerful than being seen. Knowing I’m not alone, but that Jesus is with me saves my life every day.

This morning that Truth powerfully played out again. I woke up feeling a sense of doom and dread. The circumstances of my life have been catastrophic for me mentally and emotionally. Most of the time I can’t make sense of what is up, what is down, or what to do next. I’m at a loss. There have been so many losses.

But today, like most days, I opened up my journal and poured out my soul to my God. I bared my burdens before Him and let my true thoughts and feelings flow. I opened up my well-worn Bibles: 3 difference versions because I’m constantly looking for answers. I’m constantly looking for hidden pieces in different translations. In His Word I found treasure. I found life-saving Truth. I heard His voice. I hope you can find comfort from His voice today, too.

2 Corinthians 4: 8-11 (some paraphrased):

Though you experience every kind of pressure, you’re not crushed. At times you don’t know what to do. You feel perplexed, but not driven to despair. You are persecuted by others, but not forsaken. Struck down, but not destroyed. You are knocked down, but not knocked out. The life of my son is manifested in your mortal body. The things that are dying release life in you.

He also lead me to this song, “Firm Foundation (He Won’t)” . For me, “Praise is the highway to the heart of God…” His heart is where I want to be.

We’re about to hit our 5 year anniversary of living in The Valley. As we were walking around the fairgrounds as a family of 5 now, plus our niece last night, I spent a good deal of time reflecting. For me, it wasn’t about the (cheesy) rides, or infamous fair food (cotton candy, snowcones, deep fried oreos, and funnel cake were our treats of choice!), or even the shows (the wolves and circus were my favorite attractions!)- but it was about the people. We probably weren’t even there ten minutes when we saw someone we knew. Our neighbor was there taking pictures for the local newspaper. Several people we know were standing at booths. Our friends kid’s had entered a craft contest, and we got to see them with their exhibits and ribbons. Lots of other friends were strolling around.  Running into people we knew just snowballed. I realized how many people we have gotten to know over the years, and it seemed many of them were there last night. 

I think I finally realized why the county fair is such a big deal.

We’re coming up on our 5 year anniversary of living in this area, and the views all around us never, ever get old. I never get used to it or take it for granted. The mountains around us are a tangible reminder to me of God’s presence here. His power over every detail of life. The security I have in Him. His protection. His safety. His beauty.

Try moving one seat over today. You might be surprised at the new perspective.