Fulminations without Foundations

Happy Birthday, Dave.

2015-11-13T09:06:00.001+00:00

This is a special post for my friend Dave, who turns 30 today.

This one's for you Dave.

On the Fiat 500XL (and other crossover vehicles)

2015-07-22T13:00:00.000+01:00

Fuck the Fiat 500XL so much.

*Vomits*

Look at that hideous piece of shit. It's not even just the styling that makes me hate this fucking thing but the name. The Fiat 500XL (or sometimes X or L separately).

Fiat 500XL

Fiat 500XL.

This is a Fiat 500.

It's a tiny little car, known for it's vintage style and inability to get up hills. This is a tiny car for use in the city that has a pitiful little engine. So, how is the Fiat 500XL a Fiat 500 in any way?

The answer, of course, is that it isn't. Beyond the name, all they share is a tiny amount of (terrible) front end styling and, most likely, the shoddy build quality that Fiat is known for these days.

This bastard child is just the most recent in a long line of fucking awful 'crossover' vehicles and they are all terrible.

Here's the Mini Countryman.

Why does this car even exist? Once again, they seem to have missed the entire point of what made Mini Coopers good cars. The thought process seems to be: "People like Coopers and idiots by crossover vehicles, so if we make a crossover look like a Cooper, idiots will buy it!"

And they were fucking right! I see these abominations all the damn time.

Here's why I hate crossover vehicles: They exemplify the idea "Jack of all trades, master of none."

Their large size makes them uneconomical and difficult to park (areas the Mini and 500 excel in) so they aren't great city cars, yet they're not 4x4 enough to actually go off road, so they're useless there, too. They're big yet still only have 5 seats and not all that much space. People go on about the high driving position, which is ideal for not seeing children which, given these pieces of shit seem to be most often driven by mothers on the school run, is just aces.

The other reason people use for buying these crapsacks is how safe they are. Let's talk about that, shall we.

Both the cars above score 5 stars on the NCAP (apparently, but I can't find the Countryman on the terrible NCAP site), which is great! But so does a 2003 Renault Espace, which would also give you more space and seats.

The problem is, these big, ridiculous cars are terrible for pedestrians and other motorists, for two reasons. One, if one of these things hits you, it's going to do a hell of a lot more damage than a regular sized car and if it hits your car head on, it's likely it will plough through your windscreen and into the cab. Two, if you see your car as much safer than other cars, you will actually drive more dangerously due to something called Risk Compensation. This would explain why so many people who drive these monstrosities do so like total bellends.

The prevalence of crossover type cars is growing and it drives me nuts. I have to drive near schools and mothers in these things are fucking deadly! They're too busy shouting at little Tabitha in the back to watch the road and pull up with no warning, usually on the yellow zig-zag lines which obviously mean Entitled Bitch parking.

Dear Tory Voters

2015-05-14T12:50:00.001+01:00

I cannot even begin to express how disappointed I am in all of you.

There's simply no way that nearly 40% of the population are millionaires so I can only assume that some of you are middle or working class and yet you voted for the Tories. I won't act like I can even begin to understand why you would do such a colossally stupid thing.

But it's happened now and we're all in the same sinking boat. Apart from all the millionaires, obviously. They have helicopters.

Already, Cameron and his rich friends are trying to take away our human rights and strip the most needy of benefits. They've even appointed a known bigot as Equalities Minister!

After already wasting huge sums of money on a completely failed and pointless top down restructure of the NHS during the coalition years (money that could have gone to patient care) and after working out deals to sell big chunks of our health service to his rich friends, experts are predicting a slow death for the NHS. After all, it's not like Cameron and his Eton mates need to use poor people health care, is it? If they have no use for it, why should it exist?

Besides, with the Tory attitude to food banks we probably won't need it, as the poor people will have starved to death anyway. They'll need to do it on the street though, because the Tories will have sold off all the affordable housing.

Oh and they'll most likely start their own version of the NSA as well, as it was the Lib Dems that stopped them before. I wouldn't be surprised if the Great British Firewall comes back, too, because how can us dirty poor people be expected to know what is good for us? We need the nice millionaires to tell us how to lean a good, clean life. After all, politicians would never be involved in anything so depraved, would they?

So, when you're medical bills mount up and force you into bankruptcy and you lose your house, only to discover there is no no safety net and no affordable housing left and that even the food banks are gone, I hope you will think back to that day in May when you voted Tory and know that it is your fault.

You, personally.

You did this.

You asked for this.

You voted for this.

You have only yourself to blame.

On Building A Pedal Board

2014-05-25T11:29:00.000+01:00

Building A Pedal Board

Materials used:

Wood (some)

Velcro Loop - Self Adhesive (lots)

Velcro Hook - Self Adhesive (some)

Glue (wood, strong)

Tools (various)

Woodworking Ability (limited)

Over inflated opinion of woodworking ability (highly developed)

Planning:

First thing you will need to do is draw yourself up a plan.

Ensure the plan is over ambitious.

Be sure to place your pedals on your plan too make sure they will fit comfortably. Leave extra space for new pedals as you don't want to have to build another board next time you buy a new pedal.
My plan consists of a base board (62x27cm) and three slats in the centre (1 40x7, 2 40x5) raised on an angle using 4 triangular struts.

The Build

Ensure your work area is cluttered, indoors and full of dogs.

This will make everything more interesting later

Venture to the shed where you're sure you have some wood that should be fine for this.

Grab workbench and tools whilst you're there.

Bring wood inside and inspect it for suitability.

If possible, do this when it's raining to make sure the wood gets wet.

Realise the wood is warped and unusable thanks to your leaky shed (which you also built after overestimating your woodworking skills).

Realise you're going to need to go to the hardware store to buy some wood. Forget you have a cable guy booked to come over to fix an issue with your TV and broadband. Go to B&Q. Realise you need to buy a giant piece of MDF because the smaller sizes are about 6 inches too small in one dimension. Have the employee cut it for you. Buy a jigsaw anyway because it's on offer for £20. Bargain!

Arrive back home to find out the cable guy has been and gone. Phone and rebook for two weeks from now. Curse.

Contemplate why you didn't just buy a pedal board.

As the helpful employee has done most of the cuts for you, all you will need to do now is the struts.

The giant boards at the back (there's two) and the one with the label is offcut.
It was a really big piece of MDF.

Set up the workbench, mark up your struts, cut with new jigsaw. Forget to take photos because you're too excited about your new jigsaw.

Realise you're terrible at using a jigsaw and that there's now sawdust just everywhere. Cut another strut from an offcut to replace the shit one.

You can see the quality of the cuts in this photo.

Use a coping saw (badly) to cut out the arches that will allow wires to pass through.

Glue the outside edge strut to the first 40x5 slat, ensuring you line up the edges. Clamp. Glue on central 40x7 slat, ensuring a gap of 5cm all the way along. Clamp. Glue on final 40x5 slat, again ensuring the gap. Snap clamp trying to clamp.

Take photo when you should be holding the last slat till it dries.

Allow to dry. Repeat on the other side.

Fucking shitty clamps...

Show amazing foresight by actually making sure the central struts are spaced to leave space for the power supply.

Place struts and mark up where the glue needs to go.

Apply glue, place struts and clamp ends. Place a board on top to add some weight to hold it all down. Leave to dry.

Place on the base board, using your plan and pedals to check positioning.

Realise your struts aren't flat. Sand struts. Fuck it, good enough.

Mark off the strut positions for gluing.

Glue, position, ensuring it's all flush at the edges. Weigh it all down to compensate for uneven struts. Hope.

Whilst that's drying, prepare Velcro Loop.

So much Velcro loop.

Mark on the back two 5x40 pieces, a 7x40, a 27x11 and a 27x13. Cut the pieces.

Peel back the backing on the Velcro and stick it all on. Make sure edges are all flush.

Be absolutely astounded by how good it looks!

Build finished!

Pedal Placement

Figure out how you want all your pedals placed (this isn't final. Thanks to the Velcro you can reposition later).

You will probably need to remove the feet from some pedals.

Either stick the Velcro hook on and cut to size...

Or just cut squares of about the right size. It doesn't need to be perfect.

Do all the pedals.

Stick to the board.

Realise at this point that the screws that were holding the feet on were also holding the bases on.

Shit.

Replace screws. Wire it all up. Use the gaps in the struts to run the wires.

Power that bad boy up!

Rock out!

Congratulations! You've just built an awesome looking pedal board!

Oh come the fuck on!

2014-03-29T08:53:00.001+00:00

You're not even fucking trying now! At least fire up MSPaint. This is the laziest like grab I have ever seen!

On Cancer Awareness Selfies

2014-03-20T09:57:00.003+00:00

As most of you have probably seen, there's a trend rushing around Facebook that consists of women taking selfies with no make up. Apparently, this is raising awareness of Breast Cancer.

Apparently, when this craze started, the posts included a link to a place where you could donate actual money to Breast Cancer Awareness. Now it's devolved into the usual slacktivism. It isn't even Breast Cancer Awareness Month until October. March is National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month. I've only seen one person actually give out a text number and that was a guy wearing makeup!

Quick question: Who isn't aware of Breast Cancer? It's probably one of the most publicised forms of cancer and women and girls are taught and encouraged to check themselves and to go to the doctor if they have concerns. Male Cancers, such as Testicular and Prostate, receive much less coverage and men are generally more reticent when it comes to seeking help.

But that's completely by the by. This isn't a post about Men's Right or any shit like that.

I'm simply trying to do what a lot of the selfie people have not: Give you actual links so you can donate.

Donate to Cancer Research UK - On that page you will actually see donations from people who are donating after doing their bare faced selfie. You can also Text BEAT to 70099 to donate £3 from your mobile.

Donate to Breast Cancer Care

Donate to Macmillan Cancer Support

Donate to Marie Curie Cancer Care

Donate to Male Cancer Awareness - As I said before, men are a lot less likely to seek help or are not even aware of male cancers, the way women are about female cancers. It's Male Cancers that really need raised awareness.

Don't just sit at your computer sharing photos and claim you're raising awareness if you aren't willing to put your money where your mouth is.

Right, I'm off to MCAM to donate.

On Footballers and Soldiers

2014-02-25T12:14:00.000+00:00

Many of you may well have seen the following picture making the rounds on Facebook:

Some you may have liked it or even shared it but, at any time, did you stop to actually think about it?

Let's do that now, together. We'll take it in stages.

£300,000 a week for Football...

As a society, we've always revered and worshipped sports stars. This is not a new phenomenon. In fact, the highest paid sportsman of all time was most likely a slave-turned-chariot racer in around 2 C.E. It's thought that Gaius Appuleius Diocles could have earned as much as £9.6 billion! I somehow doubt there were people proclaiming it unfair that the soldiers of the Roman empire didn't earn similar amounts. Sports people do what they do for our entertainment and we put a huge value on our entertainment. Have you noticed you rarely see posts like this complaining about actors earning tens of millions of dollars for a film? Which requires more skill, really? Football is hard, guys! Players who earn the huge money are the best players who play for the biggest clubs. These clubs sell the most merch and demand the highest ticket costs. This means then can pay the most, attracting the best players to their club and so on. It's called capitalism. Yes, it's ridiculous that grown men who chase a glorified pig bladder for a living get paid millions but that is the value we, as a society, place on our entertainment.

Meanwhile... Soldiers... earn less than £30,000 a year

Whilst army sergeants earn over £30,000, most standard soldiers earn upwards of £17,767. Soldiers on officer training start at over £24,000 and that goes up over £38,000 if you reach captain. So the numbers are actually lower than stated but let's examine them anyway. First of all, £17,000 a year is not a bad wage. It's below the national average but I would say it's still more than your usual wage slave earns. Remember, the averages are pretty skewed by the highest earners. Also, consider that, for many soldiers, cost of living is greatly reduced if they live on base. I've only used the army here, so it may differ for other services.

Next, and I think most importantly, soldiers are not forced into their jobs. There's no press gangs roaming around and there's no forced conscription. Also, I've noticed I never see posts bemoaning the pay the police get or the ambulance service. These people put themselves in harms way to help people right here at home. Why are we not complaining on their behalf?

It seems to come down to the special status we bestow on the armed services and the special hatred people seem to hold for football players. Corporate CEOs earn millions! Why is this not about them? Although people may not think football players 'work hard', I promise they do. Remember, these people basically devote their lives to a game, practicing constantly. I imagine it's drastically more difficult than sitting on your arse in an office and partaking in some slacktivist picture sharing on Facebook.

I got married!

2013-05-07T19:17:00.001+01:00

On the 1st of May, I married the love of my life. That is all.

On Telemarketers and Blame Claims

2013-04-18T18:19:00.003+01:00

Fucking telemarketers piss me off! Automated or not, I find it just as obnoxious.

Now, I get that people are often just doing their job and maybe it was the only job they could get but I have completely run out of fucks to give. Today I have had at least 4 automated calls regarding PPI and pensions, at least one after I had already requested to unsubscribe from the service, and at least 3 people calling me. In 5 minutes I had two calls from the same blame claim company 'regarding my road accident in the last three years'. I had one of these last night and told them I was pretty sure they were looking for Mr Gofuckyourself but it seems they haven't got the message.

So, the first of the two (these people actually have my name so thanks whoever sold them my details) just got my usual response of 'Go fuck yourself' but when my phone rang again only minutes later I was somewhat annoyed. It went something like this:

Teletwat: Hello can I please speak to Mr FwF?
Me (annoyed): Speaking
Teletwat: I'm calling regarding your road accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault.
Me: What road accident are you referring to?
Teletwat: The road accident that wasn't your fault and because the other driver was at fault some money has actually been put aside for you.
Me: Which accident, describe it to me, because unless you can tell me which accident you mean, you're talking shit.
Teletwat: there's no need to swear, sir.

That's where you're wrong, Teletwat. There is plenty of reason to fucking swear! I'm sick of these cunts wasting my valuable time with their shit. All blame claims companies are scum to start with but the fact that they so strongly encourage people to file frivolous law suits sickens me.

As it happens, I did have a road accident on the 1st of November 2011 when I locked the back wheel of my motorbike and got run over by a truck. In February of 2012, not long after I'd regained the ability to walk without crutches, I got a letter through telling me I was being sued by the truck driver to compensate him for soft tissue damage and muscle pain. Apparently the poor dear had to take a week off work. Bear in mind, the back six inches of my 200 kg bike clipped the front of his 44+ ton truck, there was no damage to the vehicle and he said at the scene he never even felt it, which he repeated to my boss when he visited my work to see if I was ok on the evening of the accident.

I can only assume that someone encouraged him to make that claim. Of course, he really sued my insurance company but it was my name on the suit. Adding insult to injury, his description of the accident on the suit was mostly fictional and painted me as if I was riding dangerously which I certain was not. The police would have done me if I had! I begged my insurance company not to pay but I bet they did to avoid court. Cowards.

And that's the problem. People file these frivolous, opportunistic suits and the insurance companies just pay, because it's easier. Then all our premiums go up. It's a fucking disgrace.

I think I'll buy a whistle. Lets see how well they can make calls with busted ear drums.

How I spent 2011/2012

2013-03-05T14:46:00.002+00:00

So, you may have noticed that I didn't post very much last year. I don't have any good reasons for why not but I thought I would catch you up on my life. So act as if you give a shit.

In March 2011 I bought a motorbike. I kept meaning to write a post on here about how great it was but I never got around to it. Then, on November 1st 2011, I locked my back wheel in traffic and went under an oncoming truck. Which was unpleasant. The truck went over my left foot and it's only thanks to the bike boots I was wearing that my foot didn't become a squishy mass of pulp. As it was, I only sustained a minor break in my calcaneus (which is the heel bone to anyone not up to date in their ancient languages) which astounded the hospital staff. I spent only four days in hospital. My bike, however, was not so lucky. She was totalled.


R.I.P Suzie II.

Man, I still miss that bike. I get a little teary eyed every time I see an SV now.

So, I rang in 2012 on crutches but well on the road to recovery, swearing I would buy another bike as soon as I was healed. I'm yet to do so. It would be a lie to say I'm not at least a little scared of getting back into the saddle but I think a lot of it is that I'd never be able to really replace that bike. She was my baby.

In January of 2012, my sister gave birth to a beautiful little girl named Ivy, my niece.

A very happy Uncle.

Me and my better half also

I have spent much of the rest of the year working on an album of metal/hard rock and trying to start a career as a voiceover. I also moved house in February 2012 to a nicer neighbourhood.

I'm hoping that in 2013 I will write more on this blog, finish my album and maybe get booked for some voiceover work that's not supplied by the production company I work for...

Oh, I also amassed nearly 5000 karma on reddit. Don't act like you're not impressed. Thinking about it, in explanation for my prolonged absence I could have just written "discovered reddit" and fellow redditors would have totally understood.

On how an eyeliner pencil nearly ruined my life

2013-03-05T14:41:00.001+00:00

It's crazy how the smallest thing could potentially ruin your life, isn't it? Like a tiny mistake that costs you your job or a fall that breaks your hand and ends your career as a professional fluffer.

I recently bought a car. My better half was starting a new job and we needed two cars to facilitate us going to our respective work places. A few weeks after getting the car I was messing around in the back footwell, cleaning things up and I found an eye liner pencil. Naturally, I assumed it belonged to my fiancée and chucked it onto my back seat. We had previously gone somewhere in the car and her makeup bag was on my back seat and fell on the floor. I naturally assumed this eyeliner pencil belonged to her and resolved to ask her about it later but, as I have the short term memory and attention span of an ADHD squirrel, I forgot.

A few weeks after that I was replacing the shitty floor mats with new ones and I found it again. Once again I resolved that I would tell my more beautiful half that I had found her eyeliner and ask if she would like it back. Once again I forgot all about it. Until yesterday.

We were going out for lunch with a quick stop off at a friend's house to drop off a wetvac and some shoes. On seeing that the wetvac would not fit into the boot of the car, my misses looks in the back to see if there would be room there and finds this eyeliner pencil.

"Who's is this?"

It was at this point, judging by the tone of voice and the expression on her face, that I realised it was not her eyeliner pencil. Fuck.

Naturally, being the suave and cool guy I am, I panicked and started blabbering, despite having done nothing wrong. I now felt awful for something I hadn't done and my treacherous mouth and it's deviant cohort, Brain, were dead set on making me look as guilty as sin with a needlessly wordy and elongated explanation of why I had an eyeliner pencil in my car. I was still convinced that this eyeliner did in fact belong to my fiancée. Obviously she did not agree.

So, it was quiet and tense in the car. I was trying to not seem off because I knew that made me look more guilty and at this point I was getting worried that she was going to jump out of the car at the next traffic light and leave me! In my head I was just cursing myself over and over for not mentioning the fucking eyeliner pencil when I first found it and trying to figure out a way to dig myself out of this over sized cesspit of a hole.

We dropped the stuff off and went to lunch and I hoped that maybe things were ok but I knew they weren't. It wasn't until we got home that my better half turned to me and asked, "Do you know how that eyeliner got in your car?" Fuck. Not ok.

Luckily I managed to act like less of a twat this time and explained that I was sure it was hers and why the fuck would I cheat? Even if I had volition, which I do not, when the hell would I do it? I don't lead the most adventurous life, which is exactly how I like it. I am not a party person and, in all honesty, I deeply dislike most of humanity.

Thankfully, my beautiful fiancée is not a screaming lunatic like most of the women I have dated in my life and accepted my explanation of why I had acted like such a guilty dickhead earlier. We got past it and shared an enjoyable afternoon of watching some pretty awful films.

I guess the moral of the story is this: Should you find any mystery cosmetics in your car, ask your spouse about them immediately. Or something. Is that too specific a moral? Maybe the moral is not to act like a gittering moron when innocent. Hey, fuck you. Work out your own moral.

For the record, I still think the eyeliner pencil is hers.

On Atheism

2012-02-21T15:08:00.001+00:00

Atheism. Some people act like it's a dirty word. Many people seem to think that being an atheist means you are somehow an amoral baby eater. Some people even go as far as calling atheism a type of faith. Today I am going to outline a few things about atheism, the way I see it. I've written about my thoughts on religion before, but this is more specifically about atheism.

I have been an atheist since long before I knew what the word meant. As I was never indoctrinated as a child, I had the opportunity to form my own opinions about life, the world and everything, without having to defer to an old book that has seen more revisions and versions than Adobe Flash. I also had the freedom to form those opinions without the ever present threat of an eternity of torment and pain. Unfortunately, I don't think enough children are given that opportunity.

So, in an effort to maybe educate and inform, I want to lay out a few points about atheism and debunk some common misconceptions. I am not the first to do this and I certainly won't be the last. This is atheism, the way I see it.

#1 - Atheism is a faith/religion

I wanted to start with this as it is a very common misconception and something I hear a lot. Saying that atheism is a faith and/or religion shows a misunderstanding of what those words mean. Atheism is a religion in the same way off is a TV channel and not collecting stamps is a hobby. You don't need faith to not believe in something. People will expand this point to include science, claiming that we accept evolution and similar on faith. They will also call us narrow minded for not accepting their views and requiring evidence of all claims. This is not only quite ironic but it shows a misunderstanding of how science works. In the words of the great and mighty Tim Minchin:

"Science adjusts its views, based on what's observed.

Faith is the denial of observation, so that belief can be preserved."

To put it my own way, imagine that science proved God. Imagine if there was a repeatable, peer reviewable test that could be performed, under reasonable experimental conditions, that proved God. Any scientist or scientific thinker would have no option but to admit we were wrong and accept God. There would be no other option for us, because that's how science works.

However, if science absolutely disproved God, using a repeatable, peer reviewable method, under reasonable experimental conditions, the religious would still refuse to accept it. That is the key difference.

Atheism and science tend to go hand in hand, and there is no faith in science, only results. Sometimes those results are surprising and unexpected, like the recent faster than light photons. (I have been corrected on this point. They were neutrinos) That is where peer review and retesting come in. Faith lacks those things. This leads me quite neatly to my next point:

#2 - Evolution is only a theory

I love this one. Once again, it shows a fundamental misunderstanding of words. In scientific terms, a theory is the highest classification of an idea. It means that the idea has been tested, peer reviewed and found to be worthy. An untested idea is a hypothesis. To any of you who have ever uttered the words "but evolution is only a theory" I would like to point out that gravity is also only a theory, yet I don't appear to be floating away. Evolution is a proven thing that happens. It's not up for debate, nor is it speculation. It is an observable phenomenon that can be tested in a laboratory, using things like fruit flies or bacteria that have very short generations. Evidence for it is also present in DNA and biology. For instance, the appendix (in humans), male nipples (humans, again), leg bone remnants (whales) and the correlation between the DNA of related species.

Another example is Texan rattlesnakes. Over just a few decades, they have evolved smaller, quieter rattles and a disinclination to use them, through natural selection. See, Texans love to kill them some rattlesnakes. Every year they take to the wilderness and kill as many as they can. Natural selection has weeded out any snake with a large, loud rattle, or a tendency to rattle a lot, as they are the easiest to find and kill. This has led to rattlesnakes unique to that area that will not rattle or make themselves obvious until they have no other choice but to fight. This is observable evolution that has happened in the lifetime of people who are still very much alive. Imagine what 200,000 years could. Or 200 million! Evolution is an amazing, beautiful and natural thing. I really can't understand people who don't see the beauty and wonder in it. How is 'God did it' a better option?

#3 - Can't people just believe what they want? Why does it matter?

The answer to the first question is, of course, yes. People can believe whatever they like. To quote Ricky Gervais:

It's your right to believe what you want.

And it's your right to be wrong.

The issue is not personal, individual belief. The issue is that religions tend to force their beliefs into places they do not belong, like politics and science lessons. If you want to see what happens when religion is allowed to influence politics, go to any country that enforces sharia law. People are put to death or mutilated for frankly fucking ridiculous things because an old book says it must be so. I think many Christians would point to this as an example of why Islam is bad and why people should be Christians. If that's you, I ask that you firstly go and read a bible because it's just as bad. Then I would like you to look at the current climate in America and what people like Senator Rick "Frothy Mixture" Santorum would like to write into law if they got the chance, regardless of the fact that basically everything out of his mouth violates the first amendment. If somebody like him actually gained power, it would be a fucking fast and slippery slope back into the dark ages.

I would also like to bring up the fact that the religious are protected, certainly in the western world. Religion is considered above reproach and criticism and whenever something is above criticism it will inevitably slide towards corruption. The Catholic Church is a case in point. However, the same courtesy is certainly not extended to those of us without religion. The religious are allowed, even encouraged, to talk about their religion to anyone who will listen and to 'spread the word of God'. If an atheist does the same, we are immediately labelled as militant, close minded or ignorant. If we disagree with their beliefs, we are accused of somehow attacking them. I think the following comic illustrates the idea quite well.


Source

#4 - Atheists are amoral because they don't accept biblical morality.

Whenever I hear this, all I can think is that the person saying it has never actually read a bible for themselves. It is packed to the brim with violence, xenophobia, incest, rape, murder, you name it, it's probably in there. When you point this out to them (with the relevant chapter numbers) you will inevitably be told that the section in question is 'metaphorical' or 'to be interpreted'. It's funny how this line is metaphorical and to be interpreted but the one next to it (that happens to be in keeping with the individuals personal world view) is literal and cannot be contravened on pain of eternal damnation.

It's this cherry picking that totally undermines the entire concept of biblical morality. If you are able to interpret and decide which bits are good and which are bad, why do you need the book to tell you what is good or bad? You obviously already knew. Of course, there is a good chance that you never consciously chose your world view but had it inserted into your mind by the concerted efforts of your parents and their holy man of choice, but they had to interpret and decide which the good bits were, so the principal is still sound.

My point is, why do you need the book and the big fucking building to keep it in and the man to read it to you, to ensure you only hear the right bits? The answer is that you don't. If the only thing stopping you from murdering people is the thought of going to hell then there is something wrong with you. I have no fear of hell as I do not think it exists. I would still never murder someone, in the same way I wouldn't rob or cheat someone. In fact, as an atheist, murdering someone would be worse! In the religious world, death is not the end but only the beginning. This life here on Earth is merely a waiting room for the wonders of heaven (or horrors of hell) so murdering someone is just ushering them along their path. As an atheist, I know that to murder someone is to end everything they are. I know they won't be coming back or going to some mystical better place. They will be going in a box and then, most likely, either into a hole or a fire.

In a lot of ways, we atheists are more moral as we don't rely on an ancient text for the basis of our morals. Good Christians have been known to bomb family planning clinics because they don't agree with abortion or contraception. Show me an example of an atheist starting a war or fire bombing a building for religious reasons. And no-one better try and pull out the 'Hitler was an atheist' chestnut because it is patently not true. Hitler was a confirmed Christian. Bill Gates, on the other hand, is a staunch atheist and has donated billions of dollars to charity for no other reason than he can and he wants to help people. He isn't doing it for some mystical reward when he dies. Which, for me, makes it a much more powerful and meaningful gesture.

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In closing I would just like to say that if you think atheists are bad people, devil worshippers (lol!), close minded or evil in some way, you have been woefully misinformed. Learn to form your own opinions and think for yourself. Learn critical thinking and teach it to your children. Question everything and never accept anything at face value with no corroborating evidence. Oh and stop telling us we're going to hell. That's like a hippy telling me they're going to punch me in my aura.

On Homelessness

2012-02-03T16:34:00.001+00:00

Normally what happens here is I rant about shit and then, well, nobody reads it. That's fine and I don't intend to deviate too much from my intended plan, but today I'm not going to do that.

Today, I saw this video.

The point of this video is actually to illustrate the way changing the words of a message, whilst retaining the meaning, can make all the difference to the response you get. However, that is not the reason it moved me. What moved me was the fact that the man was blind.

Let me explain. My father-in-law* is a recovering alcoholic who suffers from COPD, a debilitating lung condition that requires him to have home oxygen. About 3 years ago, when he was still drinking, he went into a serious downward spiral of depression and became very ill. The COPD wasn't diagnosed then and he was still smoking and drinking a lot. He'd been a 'functioning alcoholic' for years, basically meaning that he had a job (as a truck driver) and never drank on the job but when he was at home, he drank heavily.

Anyway, he became more and more depressed and reclusive and stopped going to work because he was too ill and depressed. This went on and on and became more and more serious but he refused to let anyone help him. He started to suffer from agoraphobia and his ability to breath properly diminished very quickly until he couldn't go back to work, even if he had been in any state to do so. Eventually he had to be rushed to hospital and he came within hours of dying and it was only through luck, really, that he woke up when he did and started accepting treatment.

Once he came out of hospital, he was unable to work. My better half had been spending a lot of time talking to the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) about what benefits he was eligible for but it was a slow moving process and we had to lend him our savings so he didn't loose his flat.

The reason I'm telling you all this is because if he hadn't had his daughter to help him with the benefits office, he wouldn't have been able to do it himself. At the time, he could barely talk without becoming distressingly out of breath and, even if he could, he wasn't good at dealing with official things like that. He would have ended up homeless. He wouldn't have survived a week.

It really showed me how a lot of people end up on the streets. Take the blind man in the video above. I'm sure he's probably an actor or something, but let's assume he's a real guy, begging on the streets. People like him fall through the cracks of society all the time. If you haven't got someone who can fight your corner for you when you cannot do it for yourself, you will find that the system is biased against you at every turn. My father-in-law has had his benefits cut a couple of times because of screw ups in the benefits office and if we hadn't been there for him, he wouldn't have been able to do anything about it. He can't go to the office and talk to the people face to face. He can barely manage a phone call without getting flustered and out of breath! Any one of those benefits cuts would have put him on the street to die.

Watching the video above really fired my empathy circuits. My brain immediately started wondering how the man ended up on the streets, how we as a society let that happen. It also reminded me that this man could easily have been my father-in-law, a man I love dearly.

We all walk past homeless people on the streets and act like they're not there. I'm not going to try and act like I don't because I do. We also judge people. We think "It's their own fault! It's not my problem!" We walk on by and act like we never saw them in the first place. But that could be your friend or a family member who fell on hard times and somehow missed society's safety net on the way down. It could be you, one day.

I recently had a motorbike accident and broke my foot. Luckily, I have very understanding bosses and a job where I sit at a desk, so it was fine. However, if I had a manual labour job, the 7 weeks I was on crutches and the further month it took for me to walk properly again could have cost me my house. And that's in the UK, where the health care is free. Imagine if I lived in the US! The situation would be the same but I would also owe up to several thousand dollars in medical bills. It can happen that easily. One day, everything's fine and then something unexpected happens and your whole world can quickly fall to pieces.

Now, I don't advocate giving money to random beggars. It doesn't really help them and is advised against by charities like Shelter and The Big Issue. But that doesn't mean you should act like they simply don't exist! Instead of giving them money, buy them a sandwich or a coffee or simply talk to them like they're real people. If they're an official Big Issue seller, buy a copy. What my Mum does is gives them the money and refuses the magazine so they can sell it again.

I used to see the same homeless guy a lot of days in the city centre near where I live. One day, instead of walking past like he wasn't there, I stopped and talked with him. He didn't really elaborate on how he had come to be homeless but he was a nice guy and did say that he just wanted money to go to a place down the road so he could be warm and buy a coffee and some food. He was clearly sober and didn't even smell of booze, so I gave him some money and then I did something that I think he appreciated a lot more. I shook his hand. The look on his face will always stay with me. I could tell I was the first person in who knows how long who treated him like a human being instead of a piece of trash.

I will get back to the regularly scheduled rage when I next write, whenever that will be. Thanks for reading and always remember that even when a person falls on the hardest of times, they are still a person and should be treated as such.

*He's actually my future father-in-law, but for simplicity's sake, I'll just call him my father-in-law.

An open letter to the cock on the motorway

2011-02-20T21:40:00.000+00:00

Dear Cock,

I was behind you tonight on the M6. It was pitch black and out in the middle of nowhere, with a light rain falling.
Ahead of me was an expanse of road and darkness, dotted with various auto mobiles, including you.
I was driving along at some miles an hour, in the inside lane, where I should be. You were just ahead of me and there was a truck in the distance. I assumed you were probably going to want to pull out to overtake, but as you weren't going all that fast and were still reasonably far away from the truck, I figured I had plenty of time to go past you safely.

Once the guy overtaking me had gone past, I pulled out to overtake you. There was still loads of time; I'd planned well in advance. It was at this moment you decided to pull out to overtake the truck, which would have been fine had you bothered to indicate. Instead, you thought it was appropriate to sort of drift out into the middle lane, meaning I had to swerve into the outside lane to avoid you. Slamming on the brakes was not an option, as sharp, high speed braking on a wet road next to a cliff is a recipe for death.

Luckily, it was fairly quiet on the road and there was nobody in the outside lane. I had checked my mirror before swerving, to be sure. If there had been another car there, I would probably have slammed on and taken my chances. The last thing I would want to do is put another motorist in the position you put me in.

I don't know exactly what kind of car you were driving, as it was dark and I was too busy not crashing into you, but it was silver and probably a Ford Mondeo. After I managed to get past you alive, I flashed my indicators at you, hoping I might remind you that those yellow flashy things on the side of your car are not just fucking decoration. If I hadn't been paying attention, we would probably have both ended up at the bottom of a Scottish valley in a twisted pile of metal.

I hope you noticed. I hope you realised what you did. I hope you had that sick-to-your-stomach, shaky-knee feeling. I hope it makes you think more in the future. However, I fear that's wishful thinking and it's far more likely that you didn't even notice. You will probably go on being an oblivious cunt until you kill somebody. Maybe then you'll learn.

There were several idiots on my long journey home this evening and you were by far the worst. I hope I have the good fortune to never encounter you on the road again.

Yours faithfully,

FwF

On Prohibition

2011-02-14T12:00:00.001+00:00

It has been proven time and time again that Prohibition does not work.

Yet for some reason it continues on, regardless.

The Alcohol Prohibition in America (1920-1933) basically created what we now think of as 'Organised Crime'. Al Capone made a fortune, smuggling alcohol in to supply speakeasies which he owned.
The crime syndicates and structures put into place during Prohibition basically led to modern organised crime.

On top of that, it is really expensive! Not only is it a very expensive thing to Police but the Government also lost all the duty that was being paid on alcohol. The only people profiting were Criminals.

Nearly 100 years on, we're still doing it. Prohibition is alive and well and happening around you as we speak, only now the target is drugs.

The UK Government is spending billions every year fighting a battle it can never win. The Drug Trade is like a Hydra. Every time the authorities catch a high level player, two more pop up to replace him.
But it isn't the high level players that pay the highest prices.

The people Prohibition hurts the most are the Consumers. This is for a number of reasons:

1. It's a lot easier to arrest a regular member of the public for possession of a tiny amount of Marijuana than it is to try and catch a King Pin. In the UK, possession of Marijuana could get you up to 5 years in prison. It costs somewhere in the region of £40,000 a year to keep a Prisoner. So that's £200,000 for possession of a small amount of Pot and it's the taxpayer who has to shoulder that financial burden.

2. Whilst drugs are illegal, the quality cannot be assured. The main reason people die from drugs is because a lot of drugs are produced by some smacked-out nutter in his kitchen, using whatever he has lying around. For example, the active ingredient in Ecstasy is a compound called MDMA. Tests in the UK have revealed that a hell of a lot of Ecstasy sold in the UK contains no MDMA at all. Instead, it's often a combination of Cleaning agents and other chemicals. These cobbled together drugs often kill people.

3. A lot the profits from Drug Sales go straight into the coffers of Organised Crime. I'm not saying that a random hippy who grows dope in his garage is a Drug Lord, but when the gear is imported and distributed on mass, most of the money is going back into Organised Crime. This is especially true for Class A drugs, like Heroin and Crack Cocaine.
Rival Dealers will often have Turf Wars and similar. Innocent bystanders often get caught up in these Turf Wars and many people loose their lives, totally unnecessarily.

The only real way to deal with any of these things is Legalisation, and I mean full legalisation of every thing.

A lot of (stupid) people seem to believe that, if all drugs were legalised, the whole world would grind to a halt whilst everybody gets utterly fucked.

This. Is. Fucking. Stupid. Just think about it!

Alcohol is legal, yet people still seem to get into the Office, most days.

In all fairness, if I really wanted to I could probably get hold of Heroine. I think anybody could if they wanted to enough. Thing is, I don't want to. I have no interest. I wouldn't suddenly want to take arse loads of smack, just because it's legal. Alcohol is legal yet I pretty much never drink because I don't like not being in control of my body. Plus, I like to drive places so I can leave when I want to, which makes drinking a no-no.

None of this would change if drugs were legal.

The average person is not going to turn into a rabid druggie in the same way the average person is not an alcoholic now.

However, if you do want to experiment (just like kids do with the booze and cigarettes), you know that what you're taking is Government approved. Instead of having to buy it from a dodgy guy in an Underpass, you can walk into a head shop or chemist and buy it over the counter. For things like Heroine, which you usually take with a needle, a new hypodermic can be supplied with each sale or something, increasing the cleanliness of the needle and reducing the risk and spread of Hepatitis and AIDS.
It would also allow for more honest teaching in relation to drugs. At present, teachers lie through their teeth about a lot of drugs. The problem with lying about drugs is that when a kid then tries Marijuana and realises everything he was told is crap, he may assume they were lying about harder drugs. They often aren't lying about these harder drugs but the trust is broken. How can the kid believe anything he was told about any drugs after that?

Of course, the Government don't actually care about you, regardless of what they say, so we need to appeal to their mode of thought.

If all drugs are legal and controlled by the Government, they can be taxed.

The UK spends something like £5-6 billion a year on drugs. If that was taxed at just 5%, that's £275 million a year and considering the current VAT rate in the UK is 20%, that's £1.1 billion every single year, just in VAT! That's before you even consider the Duty and Excise.

Add to that all the savings from not locking people up for bullshit possession charges and it spirals exponentially. It would essentially help eradicate national debt in a surprisingly short time.

It's really a no-brainer.

On Crime And Punishment

2011-02-07T12:00:00.003+00:00

Recently, me and the missus have been watching a lot of Traffic Cops and similar such shows. There are few things quite as satisfying as watching some mouthy little fuck get himself arrested.

The problem is that the Police often can't charge the little bastards, or at least not with anything major. It's usually a night in the cells and then a fine or something like that. Most of them have done it before and will again.

I wish to propose a new way to deal with these minor offences; a new tool to help stamp out petty crime.

Angry Badgers.

Hear me out.

Say some little shit commits some minor crime, like drink driving. He hasn't hurt anyone but he could have done.

5 minutes in a dark cupboard with an angry badger.

I don't know about you, but if I had to spend 5 minutes in a dark cupboard with this:

I really don't think I would be inclined to re-offend.

For a more serious crime, like mugging (assuming no-one is injured), maybe 15 minutes in the Badger Cupboard.

I think we could save a lot of money, time and resources, as well as helping to deter criminals whilst they're still on small time crimes. The only real over-head is Badger Upkeep.

Write your MP/Congressman today!

On Cutlery

2011-01-31T12:12:00.000+00:00

I've mentioned before that I'm quite OCD. This means that little things in every day life really, really annoy me and I have to put them right whilst cursing the person who has done it wrong.

One of the things that drives me up the wall in my day to day life is Cutlery, or more specifically, the way cutlery is placed in a drainer.

After you wash cutlery, you put it in a drainer so it can dry before you put it away. Now, the correct way to do this is business end up, as in the eating end pointing upwards.
This is important for two reasons: First of all, unless you wash your drainer a lot, the bottom of it probably isn't the cleanest place in the world. Secondly, and more importantly, if you put the cutlery in eating end down then the water is all running down towards it, rather than away from it, and this often means it can't drain properly and you end up with water marks and soapy residue all over the bit you're gonna be using to put your food in your mouth. It's like washing a glass and putting it on the drainer the right way up so all the soapy water collects in the bottom. It's fucking stupid!

I would think that all this is pretty basic common sense, and I know it is common practice in the trade from some really shitty catering jobs I did once when I worked for an agency (which is another story altogether).

So why is it that so many people seem to be totally oblivious to this very basic premise? Why do people put the cutlery in handle up? Why?

In the kitchen at my work the cutlery is constantly the wrong way up in the drainer which means that, every time I go in the kitchen, I have to turn it all the right way up. Seriously, I cannot walk past a drainer with the cutlery the wrong way up without fixing it. This may seem like a small and stupid thing but when you're kinda OCD and it happens all the fucking time, it becomes pretty damn tiresome.

So I have made this handy chart (starring the drainer at work) for people to refer to if they forget which way up the cutlery goes.

On Call Of Duty

2011-01-26T12:00:00.026+00:00

Of all the FPS games out there, Call Of Duty is by far my favourite. Not that's I'm all that great at it but I enjoy trying to be.

I came into COD later than most; the first one I played a lot was World At War, which is widely considered to be one of the worst by most hardcore COD players. Regardless of your opinion of WAW, it got me hooked and I played the shit out of Modern Warfare II and, more recently, I've played a lot of Black Ops.

What I really want to talk about is one of the new features they brought in with Black Ops.
As well as the usual games, like HQ and Ground War, they have also brought in a whole new set of games where you bet Credits and the top 3 players get a pay-out.

There's a few of these new Wager Matches but I generally play Gun Game.

In Gun Game, you start with a Python Revolver and advance to the next gun with each kill. The guns get progressively better and then progressively harder to use. You start with the Python, then double pistols, then you move through a couple of shotguns, a few machine guns and eventually a couple of different sniper rifles and onto rocket launchers. The last two weapons are a crossbow with explosive arrows and then, finally, a ballistics knife, which is a knife you fire out of the handle at opponents. The winner is the first person to get a kill with all 20 weapons or the one on the highest weapon when the time runs out.

In Gun Game, it is also possible to demote people to their previous weapon by humiliating them. Humiliation is when you stab them with your combat knife but it's not really beneficial for the stabber as you don't advance in level unless you kill with your gun.

Yet you get some dickless wonders that just run around stabbing people! They're gaining nothing except the hatred of the other players. I just cannot fathom why people do it! If you aren't going to play properly then why not just fuck off and play something else? I know it's just a game but it is really fucking annoying when you've finally managed to get past the bloody Sniper Rifles, which are a nightmare as the levels are kept small, due to only having six players per game, and then some fucking ass clown stabs you and demotes you back down again.
Invariably, you then can't seem to get a kill and end up stuck on a shitty gun and loosing the game.

So this is a message for all those utter wankers who run around in Gun Game stabbing people:

How about you go die in a fire? kthnxbye.

On Dating Websites

2011-01-24T11:56:00.001+00:00

Recently the number of adverts I'm seeing for Dating Websites is getting higher and higher.

For the most part, the adverts are the usual crap: Various couples, usually ethnically diverse, partaking in some light sailing or a piggy-back ride through a wood, whilst a female Voice Over gives us dubious statistics about the success of the company or some kind of unlikely situation in which two people spontaneously play a song in a music shop or tie their shoes together and dance.

The companies also tend to work in the same way. Men and Women sign up and are then matched to others, based on whatever lies and embellishments they have put in their profiles.

However, there is one dating website I have seen advertised that defies logic.

It's called Matchmaking4men.

The clue to why it makes no sense is right there in the name. Matchmakin4men.

If it's a matchmaking service just for men, then where do the women come from?
And before you jump to conclusions, this is not a site for gay men and I have never seen an advert for a possible partner site (no pun intended) called Matchmaking4Women.

I can only assume that either the people who run the site walk the streets recruiting/kidnapping women to pimp out to lonely men over the internet or it's all mail order brides from Eastern Europe.

Source.

On Lowering My Standards

2011-01-21T14:46:00.001+00:00

Hi All and a Merry 2011!

So, FWF has been on hiatus whilst I tried to get through my writers block and some other stuff.

One of the main problems I've been having is that I feel the need to write long pieces and if I can't write at least a couple thousand words on a subject, I don't feel like the piece is worthwhile.

However, my wonderful and loving Fiancée, who, for reasons unknown, is always there for me, no matter how stupid my problem, has assured me that I don't always need to write huge posts.

The main reason I started this blog is because, in my every day life, I rant a lot and people tend to find my rants quite funny so I thought I'd try my hand at internet comedy. At first, I got a little hung up on list-based humour, being a big fan of Cracked.com, but I couldn't make that work for me as I often get angry at things that don't lend themselves to numbered lists. I also did a couple of "Nature/Computers wants to kill you" articles, but that too was not sustainable (although I may still do more in the future).

Eventually, I started to find my stride and posted some good content, but I was still getting hung up on length. And we all know that it's not the length that matters but what you do with it. Or maybe it was Girth that matters... I don't think this metaphor is working.

Anyway, one day I was having a little rant to my Missus and she said, "You should write stuff like this more."
I explained about being hung up on word counts and how I didn't feel I was putting the effort in if an article was short.
She told me that was stupid and didn't matter; that a short but funny rant could be just as good as a long article and that I shouldn't worry so much.

I have mulled over her words a lot since and I think she is probably right, as usual.

I was discussing my writers block with a friend who reads my blog, explaining how I tend to be a lot funnier during spur of the moment rants when something has annoyed me and he asked if I've ever thought of using a Dictaphone to record my rants so I can transcribe them later.

Although it's a very good idea, in theory, I don't think it's something I could do. First of all, my rants tend to be off the cuff and mid-conversation. Secondly, they're spontaneous. I'll be having a conversation with someone and something will set me off. I can't exactly pause and say, "give me a sec to get my tape recorder."

It wouldn't be natural.

I'm not going to start promising lots of posts and I am not going to stick to any sort of schedule but I am going to try and be less hung up on word counts and just post what I want.
After all, it is my blog!

I'm currently editing a post, so that will be up soon.

Thanks for bearing with me. I will be back.

Why we should all be supporting Julian Assange

2010-12-08T14:49:00.000+00:00

Source.

If you don't know who Julian Assange is then you haven't been paying attention to the Internet or the News.
Julian Assange is the founder of Wikileaks and right now the USA would rather spend their time trying to prosecute him than any major terrorist.

What is his crime?
He's telling the US Government's dirty little secrets to the world.

And that is, in fact, not actually a crime. The US Government are falling over themselves trying to pin something on Assange so they can put him away somewhere out of the public eye. Chances are he would disappear into the kind of place where the US Government likes to undertake some light waterboarding.
True, the man who supplied Assange with the leaked Cables broke the Law but Assange most certainly has not.
As he said in this article on The Australian: Don't shoot [the] messenger for revealing uncomfortable truths.
The US Government themselves have admitted that his actions have not caused harm to anybody, yet they are liberally applying their very favourite label of 'Terrorist' to him.
Of course, they apply that to anybody they want to make conveniently disappear.
A Terrorist, by definition, is a person who terrorizes or frightens others, usually to get what they want. Therefore, the US Government are the Terrorists, along with every other government trying to silence Assange for exposing their lies, using underhand tactics, like freezing his bank accounts, when he has committed no crime.

We should all be supporting him because what he is doing is right. He is a very clever man and, no matter how hard they try, they will never be able to silence him. He has the support of the internet and many people of import, around the world. The documents the US Government are desperately trying to keep under wraps are now all over the world in encrypted files and Assange has assured his detractors that if anything happens to him, the decryption key will be sent out as well.

All he's trying to do is bring a little transparency to the underhand dealings of the Government. Candidates all over the world build their platform on promises of transparency but never actually deliver it. Assange is simply taking the decision out of their hands.

As the famous quote goes, "People should not be afraid of their Government; The Government should be afraid of The People."
And the US Government is fucking petrified.

On The Stupidest Parcel I Have Ever Received

2010-12-06T19:44:00.000+00:00

I know I'm supposed to be on hiatus and I totally still am but this was too stupid an occurrence for me to not post about it.

The story goes like this:

I ordered somebody a Christmas present from Lakeland.co.uk. then received a letter a few days later telling me it was out of stock and some crap about 'A Big Thank You Coupon' and a 'Kitchen 4 Catalogue'.

Click to embiggen

Fairly annoyed that they hadn't bothered to mention stock level when I ordered, I just hoped it would get shipped out in time.

Then today I received this box:

CD is just for size reference. It's a copy of Linux Puppy, in case that helps.

Assuming the item had come back into stock as quickly as I hoped, I proceeded to open up this rather large box.

Do you know what was inside? It certainly wasn't the present I was hoping for.

If you haven't figured it out by now, they sent me what is tantamount to an empty box. They sent me this large box, complete with packaging I might add, so they could rush me my 'A Big Thank You Coupon' and 'Kitchen 4 Catalogue'.

What. The. Fuck.

Not only have they sent me a large box for no reason at all, by courier, they will have to send me another one when my item comes back into stock. I just cannot understand why anybody would pack and send this box. It has packing material in it, for fuck sake!

I just had to share this piece of utter idiocy. Hiatus back on from...... Now. Unless something else like this happens, of course.

Oh and, Mum? Your present may be a little late...

FwF is on Hiatus

2010-11-17T09:24:00.003+00:00

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've not been writing recently.

I feel like I'm stuck in kind of a rut. I just seem to be enveloped in a cloak of apathy most of the time and that doesn't exactly make for funny posts. So I've decided to put FwF on hiatus for a bit to give myself time.

Knowing it's sat here waiting for content is putting pressure on me to write and the more I try to write, the worse it is. I figure that if I put it on hiatus, I can write if I want to without the pressure that another Monday has come and gone without a new post.

I'm hoping Christmas might jump me out of this slump and I can get back to writing in the New Year. Who knows...

What I do know is that, up until I stopped writing, I was getting more hits which, although good, increased the pressure on me to fill the site with worthwhile content.

I am a very self-analytical person and, usually, my own hardest critic. Now every line I write seems like crap and even on the odd occasion I write a line I actually like I can't seem to link it to more to create an actual paragraph. The chance of managing a complete post is nigh on zero.

One of the most irritating things about it is that I do have some good ideas sat in my drafts; ideas that could become good posts and one that could become an easy and reliable way to post new content every week. I just can't write them.

I suppose it all comes down to the fact that my biggest fear is failure and every time I try and write and all that comes out is crap I know I've failed and then the next time I think about writing I don't even want to pick up my laptop because I know there's a damn good chance I will fail all over again.

I saw this picture today and it brought home how much all this is affecting me:

Source.

Normally I would have been like the rest of the internet community and had a good old laugh at this picture but today it just made me really sad. In case you don't know, the old fella on the right is famous Comic book author, Stan Lee and the guy on the left is dressed as Wolverine, one of Lee's most famous characters.
This picture makes me sad because this is probably the happiest day of that guy's life and now people are mocking him on the internet. Yes, he's fat; yes, he's most likely a massive loser who lives in his Mum's basement but on that day he was fucking Wolverine and he got to meet Stan Lee and have his picture taken with him. You can see it in his body language: The way he's holding his hands like a little girl meeting a big movie star, the slightly bewildered smile as his mind rushes to process what is happening.
He probably has that photo framed in a place of honour.

Now imagine you're that guy and you see this on the internet. Imagine how it would feel to know that your proudest moment is the butt of an internet joke. Imagine looking at that picture with fresh eyes, rather than the rose coloured spectacles you've always seen it with before, and seeing what everybody else sees.

That's how I feel.

I don't actually expect anybody to be reading this but, if you are and you have been where I am and got past it, please tell me how. I'm sick of feeling like this.

In Memoriam

2010-10-29T11:03:00.002+01:00

Today I'm saying goodbye to my Granddad.

It's strange how you can not see someone for years and then miss them so much when you realise you will never see them again.
You also realise how little you really knew them. I know so little about him. I know he was a Veteran of WWII, where he was a Ships Gunner in the Navy; I know he did a fantastic job raising my Mother; I know he was a wonderful, kind and caring man.

But I never really knew him as a person. I guess most people feel like that when they loose a Grandparent. Grandparents are the kindly old people who would always give you sweets or a pound when you were a kid. You tend to see them less as you get older, which you justify to yourself with excuses.

Then one day they're gone.

My Granddad was 92 years old. He was born in 1918, when you still had to hand wind most cars before you could start it, and before television. I wish I had just taken some time to talk to him about what it was like to see the 20th century unfold, what his life was like, the details, the stories.

When I was about 10 years old, I did a project on WWII for school. I interviewed my Granddad and did the project around him. He told me stories about his time in the Navy, what it was like living on the ships, what it was like being a Gunner. He showed me his medals and even let me take them into school. I was like Gollum with The Precious. I wouldn't let them out of my sight. Now I'd just like to hold them again and remember being a 10 year old boy, sat on the floor with a tape recorder. On that day, he became a hero to me and it's only now I realise it.

That project was thrown away, along with all my other old school books and things, when I moved out of my Parent's house. I got an A for that project. It was probably the best bit of school work I ever did. I even got a certificate.

Today I'm saying goodbye to my Granddad. I just wish I could tell him he's a hero and shake his hand one more time.

Jim the Tractor Fan

2010-10-18T12:00:00.001+01:00

Jim loved Tractors.
Like, really loved Tractors. Imagine the thing you love the most and how much you love it. Got it? Jim totally loved Tractors at least 5 times more than that.

It all started when he was a young child. When he was no more than an infant he saw a large Tractor rolling down the lane outside his house. He was transfixed. Everything about the Tractor, from the huge wheels to the growl of the massive engine, excited Jim more than anything he'd known in his short life (and babies totally get excited about the dumbest shit).

After that, the only books he would read were Tractor books; the only toys he would play with were Toy Tractors; the only things he would draw were Tractors. Tractor, tractors, tractors, all day, every day.

His parents figured this obsessions with Tractors couldn't really do any harm and it was nice seeing their child so excited about something so they encouraged it, figuring he would grow out of it sooner or later.

They decorated his room with Tractor wallpaper and carpets, bought him a Tractor lamp, bought him every tractor toy they could find. His father even custom built him a bed that looked like a Tractor.

When Jim hit 17, his tractor obsession was still very much alive and his dream was to study agriculture and mechanics with the aim of one day being a Tractor operator and repairman.

He worked hard all through college and University, putting in long hours and working part time at the local garage to garner both experience and money to put towards buying his own real-life Tractor.

Then finally, on his 21st Birthday, he put a down payment on a brand new FarmMaster 3000.

It was a majestic machine, capable of pulling all manner of farm equipment and moving huge loads.
He packed his Tractor centric belongings into the cab and, with a farewell to his parents, set off to pursue his dream.

After enquiring at several farms he eventually found one that was hiring. They snapped up his offer as their Tractor had just had a nasty run in with a herd of angry cows and was a little worse for wear so his FarmMaster and mechanic skills were invaluable.

For a while Jim was the happiest he had ever been. He was living his dream: Working on his Tractor by day; fixing the farmer's ailing tractor by night.

Alas, the happiness couldn't last. A year passed on the farm and things seemed to be going perfectly, until one fateful day.

The day started much like any other day. Jim got up early and went to check on Bessie (which his FarmMaster was now named). After doing the daily maintenance and hooking up the trailer to haul a load of Cattle Feed to the upper dairy fields, he set out to get on with his work.
As he was unloading the feed the herd of cattle began to act strangely towards Bessie the Tractor, mooing at it and stamping their feet. Too late did Jim realise that this was the same cattle who had ruined the Farmer's other tractor many months before.

"Imma fuck you up."

The biggest cow of them all started pawing the ground and snorting, eyes fixed on the Tractor. Before Jim could do anything to try and avert the imminent crisis, she charged, hitting the door of the Tractor with enough force to buckle it. The door swung open and she stuck her head straight in, pulling the hand-brake off with her long, prehensile tongue.

Straight away the Tractor started rolling away down the field. Jim went to run after it but was roughly yanked off his feet. A piece of metal jutting from the trailer had snagged his thick overalls and was now dragging him along behind the rapidly accelerating Runaway Tractor.

Jim could do nothing but yell warnings and try not to get too badly hurt as the tractor careened down the hillside, heading straight for the Farmer's house. All he could see about him was cows. The whole heard was flanking the Tractor and bellowing, some even overtaking the out of control machine. Suddenly there was a searing pain in Jim's head as it made contact with a large rock, protruding from the grass, and he was overcome by darkness.

As he opened his eyes it took him a minute to orientate himself. His eyes searched his surroundings, trying to digest the carnage that greeted them. Rubble was all that remained of the Farmer's house, strewn here and there with bits of Cow.

With an effort he pulled himself to his feet. To his surprise, the tractor was still running, idling away on top of the remains of the Farmer's house, although now when he looked at it he no longer saw a thing of beauty.

All his eyes saw, when he looked upon what he had previously though of as magnificent and beautiful, was a machine of carnage and death; a monster bent on destruction.

"Imma fuck you up."

He ran from the farm, running as if pursued by Tractor Satan and all his Tractor Demons.

He ran and ran, he knew not for how long, until he collapsed from exhaustion.
He was woken by somebody gently shaking him and upon opening his eyes he saw it was his Mother.
He had unwittingly run to, and collapsed in front of, his childhood home which he had not been back to ever since the day he rode forth to start his new life.

For the next few days he lay in a deep fugue as he recovered from his injuries and the long run home. His Mother dutifully ministered to his needs, pouring water over his parched lips and pressing a damp cloth to his feverish brow.

Eventually he stirred and opened his eyes to see his Mother looking down on him. At first all he could focus on was her smile but after a few moments the rest of the room started to swim into view.
It was his room, as he had left it, only now all the toys, furniture and decorations he had treasured seemed sinister and evil. The very sight of a Tractor sent a chill straight to his bones.

Jim bolted from the room and refused to return until every single Tractor was disposed of. After that he became progressively reclusive, spending more and more time in his now very bare bedroom, rarely venturing into the outside world, until he ceased to go outside at all.
He spent day after day in the dark, haunted by visions of the carnage at The Farm.

His parents became more and more worried about their son. He was becoming almost hermit like: his hair long and unruly, his skin greasy and pale.
Eventually they decided something needed to be done and as soon as possible. They could no longer sit and watch their son, once so animated by life and passion, fade away.

They sent him to the best psychiatrist they could afford and, after many sessions and much leading, she managed to get him to relate the events from The Farm and set him on the path to dealing with them and putting them behind him.
"After all," she said, "it wasn't your fault! There was nothing you could have done."

Jim came home that day a changed man. He felt alive again. He finally felt like he could move forward with his life.

He set out for a walk, his body still weak from so much neglect. He took it slow and didn't pay much attention to his course. The sun was warm on his face and the light breeze brought him the scent of fresh cut grass.

Jim was snapped from his revelry by a scream. It was piercing and filled with terror. He looked in the direction he thought it came from and saw thick smoke billowing from a house down the road.

He ran to the scene and, looking up at the upper windows, saw a woman holding a small child. It was she that had screamed and he could see, from the way the flames licked from the windows on the ground floor, that she was well and truly trapped.

Thinking not of himself and only of saving the poor woman and her infant child he ran to the front door.
He opened the letter box, placed his mouth to the heated metal and proceeded to suck all the fire and smoke from the house.

With the Mother and child safe he collapsed onto the front lawn, coughing smoke and ash.
The Woman appeared at the front door, child in her arms, and rushed towards him, tears of joy streaming down her face.
She embraced him and thanked him over and over again.
"Thank you so much for saving me and my baby!" she effused through her tears, "But how did you do it?"

He looked her in the eye, cleared some ash from his throat and said:

"I'm an Ex-Tractor Fan."

Author's Note: This is my second Shaggy Dog Story and I hope you enjoyed it. Find the first one here.