Fuming Malc

Things to avoid - HSBC bank

2011-07-07T07:37:00.000+01:00

Things to avoid

Why???

They are deeply –ve towards their business customers, and act arrogantly and unilaterally. You will get all your business set up, and come in one day find all your accounts frozen without any communication from them or discussion – either before or after.

Or say you used them for credit card processing, you might come in one day and find they had unilaterally closed your facility without any reason “because we called on you and there was no one there”. This is craaaazy, use PlayPal always as they are much more reliable.

They even steal money from one of your companies to settle the debt of another un-related company, and deny it’s stealing.They operate a single-judge convicting system (Dave Shaw in London heads the team), and the accused person is not even allowed to be present at the trial to hear the (trumped up) evidence against them, and is sentenced in his absence. They could teach a few despots how to run their fiefdoms.

HMRCy

2010-12-02T12:46:00.000Z

why are we the serfdom oppressed by a plethora of 0845 numbers which cost me a fortune to call from my mobile? ... and why anyway do the slimy mobile companies REFUSE to include them in their tariffs? I don’t even care if they charge me at 30% premium it’s just all the extras I hate and my monthly billing ever soaring.

electronic 'real' numbers starting 0203, 0161 etc. are available for anywhere now which would evade their profiteering, and be more customer-positive

autumn statment 2009

2009-11-05T08:52:00.003Z

ideas he could try.....( " "= his possible statements!)
1. defer vat increase to 1/7/2010 - poison pill for next lot "to avoid dampening the recovery just as it is kicking off"
2. eliminate zero-rating of various products e.g. books, children’s clothes "to reduce fraud opportunities"
3. increase stamp duty on property to "avoid another housing boom"
4. freeze/reduce the annual CGT allowance "to reduce evasion opportunities given by sly lawyers/accountants shifting income into capital gains"
5. Start taxing house profits via CGT 2009/10. “I have never understood why ones main house is exempt from CGT. Personally I can never remember which one I told HMRC about, and I am sure I forget to pay sometimes when I should. To ease the pain you will only pay 10% of the tax on any gain this year, and this will increase each tax year until we reach full taxation in 10 years time. Gains will based on value on 1/4/2005, or best guess”
6. shove up petrol 1/7/2010- poison pill for next lot "to further pursue our emissions agenda
7. increase fags/booze immediately "there is no further capacity for white vans commuting across the channel, so increases in these taxes now flow through to me, and you will all be sooooo much healthier"
8. standardize corporation tax at 20% for smallco, and 25% for massivco, and 30% for megamassivco profits over £100m. pa.
9. increase level of 50% band to £250,000 2009/10 tax year+ "I have listened to the comments requesting I exempt those on modest incomes from this levy"
10. up the NiNo on upper earnings to 5% above £250k income "I don't think people will notice this tax increase as those on this level of income have bundles anyway"
11. restore 100% FYA cap allces for investment in machines with cogs that make things " I want to give a real stimulus to our manufacturing industry to investment in new equipment, and it can only be financed via cash or bank loans, no sly leasing schemes allowed. This will also enable us to boost apprenticeships in skills that oiks are vaguely interested in doing like making stuff, instead of grunting in call centres at calls from irate customers "
12. abolish the much-abused research & dev allowance " I have noticed we now spend more on R&D than the USA, so maybe there is some lying going on"
13. immediate big jump in Flying taxes - air passenger duty uk "I am sooo committed to the green agenda"
14. make airlines pay usual duties on their fuel " I just want to see them squirm, this change will be introduced gradually over the next 10 years. The phasing will allow the rest of the world to play catch-up once we have broken ranks, and they will do similar, we therefore will not lose re-fuelling business, and who cares as it's all imported anyway"
15. corporation tax relief on contributions to goodwinesque pension schemes will be abolished immediately "if the scheme benefits are not open to the serfs, or have artificial barriers that mean only big cheeses qualify then it's all over chums"
16. emergency review of all government spending levels looking for savings now, not in 5 years time - poison pill for next lot "we recognize that in these straightened times we also have to save money. Our emergency review will introduce significant reductions effective 1st July 2010 to materially impact current spending projections. For a start all government employees, including quangos, agencies, banks etc. will receive a maximum salary for any job of £150k.pa. PS. Special rules will be introduced to spike the cats at BBC, and their entertainers. It's a great privilege working for us with cushy employment terms, and we are going to milk this to seriously save money and set an example. We will auction high profile to jobs to lowest bidder who can do the job"
17. crack down on black economy by making it illegal to make large cash withdrawals out of banks - defn:>£1,000 per day per account. " I have decided to introduce a general presumption that all significant financial transactions in UK will be made by bank to bank transfers, and perhaps cheques/credit cards. Individual businesses will be able to apply for (chargeable) licences to exceed this limit e.g. currency bureaux. Exemptions will not be given to businesses merely wishing to avoid banking large amounts of cash".
18. New VAT registrations will carry an application fee of £150+VAT. "this will enable us to apply vaguely adequate resources to the processing of applications. These will now always be dealt with within 2 weeks of the application. Collateral benefit is reduction in unemployment somewhere far from London as we recruit loads more staff"
19. VAT fraud will be reduced by preventing VAT refunds in first 2 years of any registration. “most fraud occurs in newly-registered businesses ‘phoenixing’, ‘flitting’ ‘carouselling’ etc. so the fix is to stop making refunds. After all if you need a refund you are almost certainly going down the tubes anyway. Exemptions will be granted to legit repayment businesses using a licence system that will be strictly monitored and charged for”

margate turner centre

2009-11-02T13:01:00.005Z

call me picky.....

But how is the Turner Centre design an enhancement to Margate?

I am sure once inside looking out all will be great with fabulous art etc..
BUT what about the serfs who have to look at the most ugly erection in Margate since the slimy tower block at the other end of the bay – I suppose at least we will have one at each end.

Who designs this crepe? And who approves it? AND I guarantee both don’t live in Margate

Come on Al Quaida where are you when we need you?

Post

2009-10-29T09:04:00.002Z

We have probably the best, and most value for money postal service in the world, and yet we attack it instead of helping them make the most of the slow change to more electronic communications.

This recent letter shows how we post c0881a5, and yet it gets through to the correct person. S Ockendon is in Essex!

spelling again

2009-10-04T19:06:00.005+01:00

i may have mentioned b4...i am the world's greatest proof-reader. if only i could make money out of it.....

why be slimey when distributing software?

2009-10-04T18:24:00.006+01:00

Have you seen the Adobe reader update which Tricked me twice into installing Mcafee inadvertently, and thereby creating havoc with my scanning software.

why does an otherwise respectable virus company have to distribute its software in a manner akin to the odious viruses it is 'protecting' you from?

banks banking stinking

2009-07-03T10:29:00.007+01:00

How come NatWest business banking can write to me closing my account WITHOUT giving any reason at all? And this complies with the Banking Code – what a ‘grate’ document. I can’t sack a serf without a meeting, a written warning, etc. but they can bin me just by doing a letter with no reason in it at all.
And the FSA support this by refusing to investigate because their actions comply with the Code - what a bunch of xxxds.

Recently HSBC wrote to me closing my personal credit card account WITH NO NOTICE PERIOD – they claim they do NOT have to.
Oh and also the collateral damage is that this has had the effect that in my business life I can no longer do business with HSBC, despite them even putting in writing with me in their rude letter that they WANT to do business with me (except at all!)– they are happy to lie in writing etc…….

Last autumn Abbey National radically changed their business banking website. This change was so poorly pre-tested that it created havoc amongst users, and they even had to extend their telephone banking hours to cope with the deluge of enquiries from irate customers who had summarily been denied online banking without a thought. I am STILL 8 months later trying to patch my own access together, and fending off complaints from clients about shabby notional bank and their actions. Oh and the website “enhancements” of course are not !

ingrish? 3

2007-12-12T15:54:00.001Z

Oooh daaarling doooo press f7, and make me happy....

ingrish? 2

2007-12-12T15:51:00.003Z

Come come Bill G,
you have massive resources ........
what's "joins several stings into one text string"?!

ingrish?

2007-12-12T15:43:00.000Z

how BIG do u have to be to know where f7 is b4 u publish to the world?

website errors AVG

2007-07-24T14:07:00.000+01:00

why is F7 soooo hard to find?

website errors FaceBook

2007-07-24T14:01:00.000+01:00

i SAID "press F7"

spelling mistakes, website errors, rail booking

2007-07-23T11:44:00.000+01:00

it's hoplesssssss to gettt anyfin spelt rite.....

"national rail enquires"

netgear, spelling mistakes, website faults,

2007-07-19T10:44:00.001+01:00

i attach a couple of recent offerings off their website.
clearly as a small firm with limited resources, they can't afford to press F7 before publishing to the world...........

and more.....

eurostar, channel tunnel, dlr, olympics 2012

2007-07-16T12:56:00.001+01:00

It is interesting to see that the local press have picked up on the stupidity of the Stratford International Station (SIS)location.

--- it is soooo far from actual Stratford that the fat Canary-wharfers won't waddle over from International to the real station where the tube links are. What a suuurpise...........

i told the GLA this 3 years ago, but they just said "tuff".

So yet again we reluctantly spend too little public money to come up with a vaguely adequate solution, and thereby ensure that all of the public money spent on the half-hearted project is wasted. Clearly if the SIS is useless then the money spent building it is 100% wasted!

Where is the vision to create something spectacular as the Gateway to 2012 Londinium?

why not........

flatten central stratford
build a massive station with c.21 platforms on 3 levels
linked by escalators and lifts
all in a massive semi-open hole in the ground - a bit like the new Berlin station (see http://www.hbf-berlin.de/site/berlin__hauptbahnhof/en/rail__concept/rail__concept.html)
run through it Central Line, DLR, Jubilee Line, Eurostar, Eurotunnel Car loading, Mainline rail from everywhere, commuter lines
not forgetting to incorporate a fantabulous bus stazione etc..
also with a ginormous shopping centre, to one side with loads of built-in car parks far underground.
a hub for eurotunnel cars to load ( easing pressure on M2)
ditto lorries/coaches
fix the bottom end of m11 to link to all this so it's not a massive traffic-jam
also fix the A2 so it runs through to here
bin the link to lovely St. Pancras. All passengers want is to fall out of their commuter strains directly on to the tube for the final bit to where ever they pass the dreary hours until pub-tyme
make sure Cross-Rail terminates here
upgrade Central line to 4 track so it can cope with the traffic between leytonstone and marble arch. Obviously then providing a limited-stop service on half the line e.g. Stratford, Smile End, L'pool St., Bank, TCR, Ox circ, Marble A........
obviously all this is financed by the tax-payer building it and only then charging £loads to the businesses that will benefit in the shopping centre, and shopping areas in the station. Also all the restaurants/cafes it will be festooned with
it would instantly win an architecture prize for the UK, and the (overpaid) architect who designed it, and plaudits from the users
isn't it grate that the Crossrail link has been agonized over for sooooo long it won't be open in tyme for 2012 Olympix. We didn't even rush to start building it the day after we got awarded the albatross

i could go on with brilliant ideas...

central line derailment

2007-07-06T17:13:00.000+01:00

FROM: London Underground Limited

Dear Oppressed Customer,

We are writing to let you know that there was a minor derailment on the railway yesterday between Mile End and Bethnal Green. This was entirely the fault of Metronet who are the biggest bunch of t055er5 since the shower we engaged to plan the Stratford DLR station, and Stratford Internotional Station.

Despite the fact the train only came off slightly, and the line is hardly damaged, the service is still not open, and unlikely to be until Monday morning. If possible we will shag Monday as well by doing as little as possible to sort things out.

I am delighted to also let you know that due to the oppressive sales terms we cover ourselves with, that the only ticket refunds we have to give out are to Season holders and those actually on the trains when it went tits up. All people who took 4ever to get home Thursday, and used other means to struggle in to work on Friday, it's tuff tittty -- to coin a phrase.

Thank you for your captive custom.

LUL

or the real letter is here in case you think i xagerate.....

Dear xx,

Following on from yesterday's Central line derailment the line remains suspended between Liverpool Street and Leytonstone stations. Four replacement bus services are in operation as follows between:

- Stratford and Leytonstone (via Leyton)
- Ilford and Gants Hill
- Barking and Redbridge
- Walthamstow Central and Woodford

We are working to resume a full service to these stations as quickly as possible, so please check before you travel using the contacts below.

I am sorry for any disruption that this incident has caused.


	Yours sincerely,

Also this is the reponse to my refund request........

Thank you for contacting us about last week's derailment on the Central line.

I am sorry you were caused so much inconvenience by this incident.

You are entitled to claim for a refund of the single Tube fare for the journeys where you were delayed for 15 minutes or more. You can do this by completing a customer charter form for each journey and you can find the forms online (https://www.tfl.gov.uk/tube/contacts/refunds.asp) and in the leaflet racks in most Tube stations. I do recommend that you claim as soon as possible as each claim is meant to be sent within fourteen days of the delay.

We very much regret the derailment and the disruption it caused, and we are conducting a thorough investigation into the circumstances with the aim of preventing anything similar happening in the future.

Do get back in touch if I can be of any further help.

Yours sincerely

Customer Service Advisor
Customer Service Centre

standards standards

2007-06-28T16:15:00.001+01:00

oh bruvva how do we spellcheck ??-

all other ENQUIRES ???

standards standards

2007-06-28T16:14:00.000+01:00

oh bruvva how do we spellcheck ??- oh i know --- press F7 Jim

maybe it should be SIGHT CONTENTS?

standards standards

2007-06-28T15:34:00.001+01:00

oh bruvva how do we spellcheck ??- oh i know --- press F7 Jim

new ENQUIRES

standards standards

2007-06-18T08:59:00.001+01:00

the only thing I have an undefeatable skill at is proof-reading

this one is More Than Insurance - did they give a 4x when i told them? guess their reply.....

banks think we are muppets

2007-06-13T12:13:00.000+01:00

The banks think we are muppets waiting to be mugged for our money. And if any one takes up this offer they deserve all they get.
How can it be legal to send out an email with lies/dubious truths in it? where is the FSA when you need them??

""
Dear Mr M Uppet,

Cut loose from high bank charges and escape to our NEW Free Business Current Account today. No other bank offers you all this:
NEW! 6.26% AER* (variable) interest on the first £1,000 of your balance! The gross rate is guaranteed to track the Bank of England base rate at base +0.60% until June 2008. Balances over £1,000 will attract a rate of 0.10% AER (fixed).
6.26% AER (variable), 6.00% (variable) p.a. gross, on balances up to £1,000. Gross interest will track the Bank of England (BoE) base rate, at base +0.60% guaranteed until 30/06/08. After 30/06/08, the gross rate reverts to gross rate BoE base rate minus 2.00% on balances up to £1,000. 0.10% AER (fixed) on balances over £1,000. AER stands for Annual Equivalent Rate and illustrates what the rate would be if it was paid and compounded each year. Gross is the interest without deduction of tax. Interest is calculated daily and applied monthly.
**All we ask is that you pay a minimum of £1000# into your account each month otherwise you'll be charged £5 for that month only.
***Excludes CHAPS payments.
#Credit transfers from your other Alliance & Leicester accounts will not count towards the monthly credit requirement. Note: It is not possible to reply to this e-mail address

the frauds:-

Free, subject to loads of hard to comply with conditions
minimum credit of £1000 per month DOES NOT include transfers from other giro accounts, so don't trade with customers who ALSO bank with Giro.
After 30/06/08, the gross rate reverts to gross rate BoE base rate minus 2.00%pa. on balances up to £1,000, and a generous 0.10% AER (fixed) on balances over £1,000. So if you have an avg balance of £10k in a year you earn £71.60. If you go to Scabby Notional Bank you would earn £100 (39% more)......
Wow, and this IS the "best banking offer in UK" - i don't fink so guv.....
After the first year they defraud you even more by switching you to Base Rate-2% on 1st £1k. c£21pa, so Abbey is then 400% better!!! .....And i haven't even got shares in Abbey
They know full well that it is a complete shag changing business bank accounts, so once they have HOOKED you (see their own advert which has a hook on it!), you are likely to put up with them etc.

I am quite serious about setting up a bank to provide a proper service to long-suffering UK customers. Just need the £1m. for all the initial set-up stuff, and we r away.........

cycling

2007-06-12T15:54:00.001+01:00

Cycling is a brilliant idea for nearly all of us.

if only cyclists would help us respect them by using lights that conform to the laws of this country at night, life would be sooo much more easy. My rough observation is 50% of cyclists do not use any lights at night. There would be an outcry if this statistic applied to buses or cars.

As always for problems/opportunities, i have designed a solution, because i am a brilliant designer - fit all new bikes with dynamos linked in to the gear mechanism so that u get a decent power output, which runs through to some of those flicky l.e.d. diody thingies all over the bike and it's all sorted, especially with a light-sensitive switch so the noddies can't leave them off. I reckon some 12 year-olds in China could make them for less than a tenner added to cost of a new bike.........

and obey pedestrian lights os i don't get mown down using pelicans
and also q at junctions like the rest of us

Almost equally important is to adopt Netherlands Cycling rules so cyclists get priorities at junctions.

And instead of all those stupid useless dangerous unnecessary irrelevant ridiculous narrow painted cycle lanes in the road that start stop erratically on the whim of the painter, let's have real safe sensible well-designed lanes SEGREGATED from traffic by a raised kerb so that buses white vans mums accountants lawyers politicians dads idiots noddies parkers unloaders can't park in them use obstruct them etc......

rock on the revolution........

DLR, docklands light railway, transport

2007-06-12T07:36:00.000+01:00

So they're opening/building a shiny new station at Stratford for the DLR.

So far it has the following qualities:-

A canopy that looks like it's been put up on Friday afternoon by some p155ed British builders after a looooong lunchAnd
a canopy that is obviously designed by an architect, probably cheered on by Wolff Odious (logo shower). Why can't someone think about FUNCTION first, and poncy prize-winning look 2nd?
The platforms are completely exposed so a light wind on a January morning is going make it feel like Siberia on a cold day. Oh, and the fix they have done is to put a poncy wind break down the middle of the platform, whereas what we need is walls to the station...
A canopy that is going to be no use keeping rain off the poor punters when waiting eternally for trains as it is far too narrow, just like at most of the DLR stations. Why can't we be comfortable whilst hanging around waiting for public transport? u might get some drivers out of their gas guzzlers if they felt the alternative was vaguely acceptable
And best of all ... guess which interchange function u r LEAST likely to do at Stratford? --> yes you guessed right, Jubilee to DLR or vv., as for the first bit to Canaryland they go to same place, yep u guessed it again --> the new station goes into the Jubilee terminus - brilliant, only an architect could have come up with it.
And even better, at the moment when going in to London you get off Central Line and sprint along platform, ON SAME LEVEL, (to watch the guard shut the DLR train doors just as u get there.) In future u will have to race 2 at a time down the (too narrow) stairs, turn sharp left knocking over numerous people going other way, rush up some steps, turn left through 180deg., sprint up more stairs, turn sharp left, race along a platform, to get a DLR train into London. This design has of curse (sic) been approved by another useless bunch of numpty overheads called Health & Safety. Are they in the world i live in? Did they go to the station before the OK'd the layout?
I bet not one of them lives in Stratford
and how come all the ups/downs don't merit escalators, whereas Canary Wharf is festooned with them. (I wonder where the poor people live and where the rich fat overpaid bastards live?)
there is even a set of steps that could be a ramp, but oh no. How come the ubiquitous Accessibility shower didn't make them use sensible levels and minimize steps?

Software installation

2007-06-09T09:42:00.000+01:00

Why is it that when installing new software you are never asked all the tricky questions on one screen at the start. So you have to stay marooned in front of the telly waiting for the next question to pop up.

§ Do you accept our appalling licence terms

§ Do you want this rubbish installed to xx directory

§ Compact installation or everything

§ What if we encounter pre-existing files from an earlier installation

§ If we hit a read-only file do we……

§ Do you want us to automatically register this software on our webserver

§ Please enter your details here so we can do it when the tyme comes

§ The installation key code is……..

§ At the end of the installation please review the log file called abc.rtf where everything done is listed, but all the secret coblas u really need to read is at the beginning of the file called “IMPORTANT”. This file will be saved on your desktop so you can find it

Next time you install something think about how many of the stupid questions could have been asked when you started instead peppered across 30 mins. erratically.