Fuming Malc

printers

2015-03-19T11:05:00.000+00:00

Xerox have shafted me by withdrawing support for our fantabulous dc332 - it's only 15 years old, why soooo hasty?

so forced out into the scary procurement world.
All fixed with the superb HP Officejet Pro x476dw Multifunction Printer (snappy name to remember)
£275, no toner coblas, and i know a man who can supply ink at half price !

it really is a great machine - super for network scanning, printing etc......

PS. HP->, please send the commission cheque to my HSBC account, Geneva. tnx

Budget 2015

2015-03-19T10:50:00.002+00:00

The Chancellor is going to tell us....

"The sun is starting to shine and we are fixing the roof"

riiight, how about

"Rain lies ahead, so we will fix the roof beforehand" or

"I forecast sunny weather, so i'm getting the builders in to fix the holes made by the last builders G Brown & Co. Labour Solutions Limited"

we've drunk the first 2 capps., off to the garage, then back to office to write the renowned REAL Budget Guide.

2014-11-13T15:40:00.000+00:00

Just been on bucking bronco, - the top floor of a 277 bus from Canary Wharf to Hackney, no need to go all the way to Alton Towers.

Please Boris come for a ride, and you will feel what i mean.

2014-11-13T15:34:00.000+00:00

how great was the poppies 'sculpture' at Tower of London.
The War was appalling but this was an inspirational tribute to the sacrifice they made.

It might help raise awareness of how important it is to avoid allowing situations getting out of hand. - Luckily we managed this in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Syria, Turkey, Israel, Palestine, Bosnia, Kosovo, Sudan, Libya, Egypt, Ukraine, Chechnya.......

Bus Heating

2014-01-08T17:47:00.001+00:00

It's summer
i'm sweating my assets off upstairs on a 277 bus in london with HEATING on

It's winter
i'm teeth chattering here upstairs on a 277 bus in london with HEATING off

i wish i was stupid enuff to run London Transport TFL.

Laptops Direct

2013-10-16T09:12:00.000+01:00

bought a laptop from them, it's fine - it works

but what's with oppressing punters with an 0871 telephone number ?

give us a REAL number e.g. 0203 so we can call from our mobiles without being raped.

customer-hostility lures supreme.......................

Banks002 Barclays Bank

2013-10-15T11:52:00.002+01:00

sent a bank mandate change to add a signatory off to Birmingham [Barclays Central Dustbin for burning customer communications] 24th August (2013)
received zilch back of curse....

rang them 10.10.13

MS hey guys how about responding?
[after massive wait]
BC we are within our service target, we will be in touch
MS do u think that is acceptable?
BC we are within our service target, we will be in touch
MS is that an acceptable level of service
BC i can't comment sir zzzzz.....

As ever banks cannot focus on CUSTOMER SERVICE, and how to fix it.

Banks001 - are useless

2013-10-10T08:30:00.000+01:00

rang Barclay to close a small fccy account. 08.30 10.10.13

muppet who answered was too badly trained to ask exactly what i wanted, so he thought i wanted to close all my accounts, told him to listen and understand the qu. before rocking on. [overseas call centre]

did i want to know HOW to close an account?
no u muppet just ******* do it.
he said "would u like to transfer the balance before closing the account"
doh, no i thought I'd donate it to the Barclays Board yacht fund, terrd

then he triumphantly told me he had to speak to "international dept" to transfer my €64.25 to my current account
took over 5 mins for them to answer the call [overseas call centre]
she then repeated everything i had already told muppet 1
finally she said she would do the tfr
but that i then had to wait and call them back to close the account once it's balance was €0, so another 10 mins to waste tomorrow, grrr.
then she started droning about their account closing procedures again so i hung up

IF Barclays studied the call they would eeeeeasiuly identify how to slash the call duration from 12 min 36sec to less than 5 min. how many idiots could they sack then? ans= about half of them.

Tescos flog massively out of date milk

2013-10-07T19:25:00.001+01:00

i shouldn't tell the entire world about their shameful systems, but....................

When i took the two packs of long-life milk that were THREE months, yes THREE months out of date, to the till area, the serf scarcely reacted, just took them from me, and said she would sort it out.

At the very least she should have summoned a supervisor to apologise formally to me, and give me my shopping for free.

Instead of which i have now sent the evidence to Trading Standards.

why do big firms find it sooooooo hard to keep customers happy?
- they don't give a tinkers in their systems-design so of curse the serfs just follow procedures.

it is blindingly obvious that customers design things for FREE, so all u have to do as M Assiv plc, is capture any incidents/feedback/comments 100% CENTRALLY, then decide which ones to react to, and rest u ignore.

BUT failing to capture dirty incidents means they have no real idea what's going on at the £cache coalface.

Still it's their massive fine problem.

Best By 23.06.2013 !! - picked off shelf on 27.09.2013

Things to avoid - HSBC bank

2011-07-07T07:37:00.000+01:00

Things to avoid

Why???

They are deeply –ve towards their business customers, and act arrogantly and unilaterally. You will get all your business set up, and come in one day find all your accounts frozen without any communication from them or discussion – either before or after.

Or say you used them for credit card processing, you might come in one day and find they had unilaterally closed your facility without any reason “because we called on you and there was no one there”. This is craaaazy, use PlayPal always as they are much more reliable.

They even steal money from one of your companies to settle the debt of another un-related company, and deny it’s stealing.They operate a single-judge convicting system (Dave Shaw in London heads the team), and the accused person is not even allowed to be present at the trial to hear the (trumped up) evidence against them, and is sentenced in his absence. They could teach a few despots how to run their fiefdoms.

HMRCy

2010-12-02T12:46:00.000+00:00

why are we the serfdom oppressed by a plethora of 0845 numbers which cost me a fortune to call from my mobile? ... and why anyway do the slimy mobile companies REFUSE to include them in their tariffs? I don’t even care if they charge me at 30% premium it’s just all the extras I hate and my monthly billing ever soaring.

electronic 'real' numbers starting 0203, 0161 etc. are available for anywhere now which would evade their profiteering, and be more customer-positive

autumn statment 2009

2009-11-05T08:52:00.003+00:00

ideas he could try.....( " "= his possible statements!)
1. defer vat increase to 1/7/2010 - poison pill for next lot "to avoid dampening the recovery just as it is kicking off"
2. eliminate zero-rating of various products e.g. books, children’s clothes "to reduce fraud opportunities"
3. increase stamp duty on property to "avoid another housing boom"
4. freeze/reduce the annual CGT allowance "to reduce evasion opportunities given by sly lawyers/accountants shifting income into capital gains"
5. Start taxing house profits via CGT 2009/10. “I have never understood why ones main house is exempt from CGT. Personally I can never remember which one I told HMRC about, and I am sure I forget to pay sometimes when I should. To ease the pain you will only pay 10% of the tax on any gain this year, and this will increase each tax year until we reach full taxation in 10 years time. Gains will based on value on 1/4/2005, or best guess”
6. shove up petrol 1/7/2010- poison pill for next lot "to further pursue our emissions agenda
7. increase fags/booze immediately "there is no further capacity for white vans commuting across the channel, so increases in these taxes now flow through to me, and you will all be sooooo much healthier"
8. standardize corporation tax at 20% for smallco, and 25% for massivco, and 30% for megamassivco profits over £100m. pa.
9. increase level of 50% band to £250,000 2009/10 tax year+ "I have listened to the comments requesting I exempt those on modest incomes from this levy"
10. up the NiNo on upper earnings to 5% above £250k income "I don't think people will notice this tax increase as those on this level of income have bundles anyway"
11. restore 100% FYA cap allces for investment in machines with cogs that make things " I want to give a real stimulus to our manufacturing industry to investment in new equipment, and it can only be financed via cash or bank loans, no sly leasing schemes allowed. This will also enable us to boost apprenticeships in skills that oiks are vaguely interested in doing like making stuff, instead of grunting in call centres at calls from irate customers "
12. abolish the much-abused research & dev allowance " I have noticed we now spend more on R&D than the USA, so maybe there is some lying going on"
13. immediate big jump in Flying taxes - air passenger duty uk "I am sooo committed to the green agenda"
14. make airlines pay usual duties on their fuel " I just want to see them squirm, this change will be introduced gradually over the next 10 years. The phasing will allow the rest of the world to play catch-up once we have broken ranks, and they will do similar, we therefore will not lose re-fuelling business, and who cares as it's all imported anyway"
15. corporation tax relief on contributions to goodwinesque pension schemes will be abolished immediately "if the scheme benefits are not open to the serfs, or have artificial barriers that mean only big cheeses qualify then it's all over chums"
16. emergency review of all government spending levels looking for savings now, not in 5 years time - poison pill for next lot "we recognize that in these straightened times we also have to save money. Our emergency review will introduce significant reductions effective 1st July 2010 to materially impact current spending projections. For a start all government employees, including quangos, agencies, banks etc. will receive a maximum salary for any job of £150k.pa. PS. Special rules will be introduced to spike the cats at BBC, and their entertainers. It's a great privilege working for us with cushy employment terms, and we are going to milk this to seriously save money and set an example. We will auction high profile to jobs to lowest bidder who can do the job"
17. crack down on black economy by making it illegal to make large cash withdrawals out of banks - defn:>£1,000 per day per account. " I have decided to introduce a general presumption that all significant financial transactions in UK will be made by bank to bank transfers, and perhaps cheques/credit cards. Individual businesses will be able to apply for (chargeable) licences to exceed this limit e.g. currency bureaux. Exemptions will not be given to businesses merely wishing to avoid banking large amounts of cash".
18. New VAT registrations will carry an application fee of £150+VAT. "this will enable us to apply vaguely adequate resources to the processing of applications. These will now always be dealt with within 2 weeks of the application. Collateral benefit is reduction in unemployment somewhere far from London as we recruit loads more staff"
19. VAT fraud will be reduced by preventing VAT refunds in first 2 years of any registration. “most fraud occurs in newly-registered businesses ‘phoenixing’, ‘flitting’ ‘carouselling’ etc. so the fix is to stop making refunds. After all if you need a refund you are almost certainly going down the tubes anyway. Exemptions will be granted to legit repayment businesses using a licence system that will be strictly monitored and charged for”

margate turner centre

2009-11-02T13:01:00.005+00:00

call me picky.....

But how is the Turner Centre design an enhancement to Margate?

I am sure once inside looking out all will be great with fabulous art etc..
BUT what about the serfs who have to look at the most ugly erection in Margate since the slimy tower block at the other end of the bay – I suppose at least we will have one at each end.

Who designs this crepe? And who approves it? AND I guarantee both don’t live in Margate

Come on Al Quaida where are you when we need you?

Post

2009-10-29T09:04:00.002+00:00

We have probably the best, and most value for money postal service in the world, and yet we attack it instead of helping them make the most of the slow change to more electronic communications.

This recent letter shows how we post c0881a5, and yet it gets through to the correct person. S Ockendon is in Essex!

spelling again

2009-10-04T19:06:00.005+01:00

i may have mentioned b4...i am the world's greatest proof-reader. if only i could make money out of it.....

why be slimey when distributing software?

2009-10-04T18:24:00.006+01:00

Have you seen the Adobe reader update which Tricked me twice into installing Mcafee inadvertently, and thereby creating havoc with my scanning software.

why does an otherwise respectable virus company have to distribute its software in a manner akin to the odious viruses it is 'protecting' you from?

banks banking stinking

2009-07-03T10:29:00.007+01:00

How come NatWest business banking can write to me closing my account WITHOUT giving any reason at all? And this complies with the Banking Code – what a ‘grate’ document. I can’t sack a serf without a meeting, a written warning, etc. but they can bin me just by doing a letter with no reason in it at all.
And the FSA support this by refusing to investigate because their actions comply with the Code - what a bunch of xxxds.

Recently HSBC wrote to me closing my personal credit card account WITH NO NOTICE PERIOD – they claim they do NOT have to.
Oh and also the collateral damage is that this has had the effect that in my business life I can no longer do business with HSBC, despite them even putting in writing with me in their rude letter that they WANT to do business with me (except at all!)– they are happy to lie in writing etc…….

Last autumn Abbey National radically changed their business banking website. This change was so poorly pre-tested that it created havoc amongst users, and they even had to extend their telephone banking hours to cope with the deluge of enquiries from irate customers who had summarily been denied online banking without a thought. I am STILL 8 months later trying to patch my own access together, and fending off complaints from clients about shabby notional bank and their actions. Oh and the website “enhancements” of course are not !

ingrish? 3

2007-12-12T15:54:00.001+00:00

Oooh daaarling doooo press f7, and make me happy....

ingrish? 2

2007-12-12T15:51:00.003+00:00

Come come Bill G,
you have massive resources ........
what's "joins several stings into one text string"?!

ingrish?

2007-12-12T15:43:00.000+00:00

how BIG do u have to be to know where f7 is b4 u publish to the world?

website errors AVG

2007-07-24T14:07:00.000+01:00

why is F7 soooo hard to find?

website errors FaceBook

2007-07-24T14:01:00.000+01:00

i SAID "press F7"

spelling mistakes, website errors, rail booking

2007-07-23T11:44:00.000+01:00

it's hoplesssssss to gettt anyfin spelt rite.....

"national rail enquires"

netgear, spelling mistakes, website faults,

2007-07-19T10:44:00.001+01:00

i attach a couple of recent offerings off their website.
clearly as a small firm with limited resources, they can't afford to press F7 before publishing to the world...........

and more.....

eurostar, channel tunnel, dlr, olympics 2012

2007-07-16T12:56:00.001+01:00

It is interesting to see that the local press have picked up on the stupidity of the Stratford International Station (SIS)location.

--- it is soooo far from actual Stratford that the fat Canary-wharfers won't waddle over from International to the real station where the tube links are. What a suuurpise...........

i told the GLA this 3 years ago, but they just said "tuff".

So yet again we reluctantly spend too little public money to come up with a vaguely adequate solution, and thereby ensure that all of the public money spent on the half-hearted project is wasted. Clearly if the SIS is useless then the money spent building it is 100% wasted!

Where is the vision to create something spectacular as the Gateway to 2012 Londinium?

why not........

flatten central stratford
build a massive station with c.21 platforms on 3 levels
linked by escalators and lifts
all in a massive semi-open hole in the ground - a bit like the new Berlin station (see http://www.hbf-berlin.de/site/berlin__hauptbahnhof/en/rail__concept/rail__concept.html)
run through it Central Line, DLR, Jubilee Line, Eurostar, Eurotunnel Car loading, Mainline rail from everywhere, commuter lines
not forgetting to incorporate a fantabulous bus stazione etc..
also with a ginormous shopping centre, to one side with loads of built-in car parks far underground.
a hub for eurotunnel cars to load ( easing pressure on M2)
ditto lorries/coaches
fix the bottom end of m11 to link to all this so it's not a massive traffic-jam
also fix the A2 so it runs through to here
bin the link to lovely St. Pancras. All passengers want is to fall out of their commuter strains directly on to the tube for the final bit to where ever they pass the dreary hours until pub-tyme
make sure Cross-Rail terminates here
upgrade Central line to 4 track so it can cope with the traffic between leytonstone and marble arch. Obviously then providing a limited-stop service on half the line e.g. Stratford, Smile End, L'pool St., Bank, TCR, Ox circ, Marble A........
obviously all this is financed by the tax-payer building it and only then charging £loads to the businesses that will benefit in the shopping centre, and shopping areas in the station. Also all the restaurants/cafes it will be festooned with
it would instantly win an architecture prize for the UK, and the (overpaid) architect who designed it, and plaudits from the users
isn't it grate that the Crossrail link has been agonized over for sooooo long it won't be open in tyme for 2012 Olympix. We didn't even rush to start building it the day after we got awarded the albatross

i could go on with brilliant ideas...