Fun with Dick

How To Get A Guy In Silicon Valley

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 08:11:00 +0000

In a response to the SNL Digital Short "D%$# in a box," Randi and Jen reveal the three easy steps to get that special man in Silicon Valley!

Impossible is the Opposite of Possible

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 08:10:00 +0000

Michael Cera's video resume. Made for McSweeney's Presents: The World, Explained (a benefit for 826LA). Directed by Nicholas Jasenovec.

A parody of Aleksey Vayner's infamous "Impossible is Nothing" - http://www.youtube.com/watc...

Here's the Merriam-Webster definition of parody, for all of the slower youtubers out there: http://www.m-w.com/dictiona...

My Legendary Girlfriend

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 08:07:00 +0000

In 2004 my bro and me made a short film but never completed it. I decided to take the footage and re-cut it around a track I wrote to fit the story of the film. It kinda makes a music video but i prefer to think of it as a story narrated with musical poetry - if that makes sense!? I know I'm no rapper but this is very much a primitive version of what I would like it to be, as always it was made with no budget and very little equipment so I'm pretty pleased with the overall result! Hope you like it too!!

The snake and the bunny

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Mon, 01 Jan 2007 06:02:00 +0000

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were
blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest,
and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny
tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. “Oh, my,” said
the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been
blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since
I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.”

It’s quite ok,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is as yours. I
too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell
you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you
are so at least you’ll have that going for you.”

“Oh, that would be wonderful” replied the bunny. So the snake
slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with
soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have
a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny rabbit.”

Oh, thank you, thank you,” cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you all over
with my paw, and help you the same way that you’ve helped me.” So the
bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re smooth and
slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d
say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone
in senior management

Blind Date - Olde English Sketch Comedy

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 08:22:00 +0000

Pi and e are on a date -- but one of them has a chilling secret! Watch more hilarious videos

Tony vs. Paul

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Sun, 17 Dec 2006 08:23:00 +0000

A stop motion battle between two friends turned enemies.

Thanks for all the super nice comments! And since some questions keeps coming up, i thought I'd answer them. The video took two months to shoot and edit, and I edited it in Final Cut Pro. Nothing in the video is "fake" and we definitely didn't use any green screens or after effects or anything. I really am responding to every message, but it appears as if half of them arent going through. Sorry!

Spit Art

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 08:25:00 +0000

An article about the Year In Ideas included a short article about Albert and his legal graffiti/spit drawing in Dec. 10th's New York Times Magazine.

He currently has a group show at Gian Robot SF. Shows in Philadelphia and Berlin in 2007.

So much for your canoe

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Tue, 12 Dec 2006 16:58:00 +0000

A frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals.
The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that
we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat
you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you
get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he
says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him
a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows
his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs
and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing
himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's
blood gushing out all over, it's horrible!

The chief is appalled, and asks, "My god almighty, what are you doing?"

The New Yorker gives him the finger and says, "So much for your canoe!"

Pass the sugar Honey

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 17:26:00 +0000

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say
to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He
thinks this sort of speech is a good idea.

So, the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his
wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

Human Can Opener

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 17:30:00 +0000

This is Rebecca: The Human Can Opener. She is one crazy can opening chick. Our goal is to get her on David Letterman's stupid human tricks. Spread the word. If you know Dave personally, let him know. thanks

I LIKE THIS F***ING PLACE ALREADY

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Sat, 09 Dec 2006 17:35:00 +0000

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.
A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The
sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The man said,
"But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish." The sister said,
"Oh, ok."

The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior,
look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said,
"Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the species of
it --- a Gauddam Fish." So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the
Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother
Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister
caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t
talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it ---
a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll
cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he
said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I
caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam
Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

"I LIKE THIS F***ING PLACE ALREADY!"

Need that job? Just send this one back

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Fri, 08 Dec 2006 17:39:00 +0000

Dear Mr. xyz,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to
accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an
unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a
varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible
for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and
previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that
your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.
Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm
immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing
you then.

Sincerely,

List of things to do in the office

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Thu, 07 Dec 2006 17:19:00 +0000

Here is the big list of things you can do in the office as a way to remain active and away from boredom

Make blank calls to your Boss.

Send mails from lotus notes (outlook) to your internet mail (and immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your mail?) and read them there, and note down the time they take to reach there. Then do vice versa…………. !!

Rearrange the furniture, i.e. flick someone else’s chair just to irritate him/her.

Count your fingers (and toes if you still get bored).

Watch other people changing their facial ex-pressions while working and try changing your ex-pressions also.

Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts.

Make faces at strangers in office.

Have a two hour lunch; it’s a big social occasion.

Learn to whistle.

Revise last week’s newspaper.

Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.

Compile "How to waste your day"

Pick up phone and dial non-existing nos.

Have work breaks in between tea.Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at time.

For Win NT/95 users….Move things to Recycle bin and restore them..Then repeat this process.

Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked when(s) he was 5 years old.

Read jokes and send jokes.

Make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a nap.

And if you are still getting bored…………………….then

Atheist joke?

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Thu, 07 Dec 2006 05:45:00 +0000

Everyday a woman stood on her porch and shouted ''praise the lord'.And everyday the atheist next door yelled back "there is no lord" . One day she prayed lord am hungry please send me groceries.

The next morning she found big bag of food on the stairs. "praise the lord " she shouted. i told u there was no lord her neighbour said jumping from behind a bush . "i bought those groceries"he said . praise the lord the woman said he not only sent me groceries but he made the devil pay for them.

You will really love this conversation

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Tue, 05 Dec 2006 18:47:00 +0000

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped
by a guard who pointed to twosacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?"

"Sand,"said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained
nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued
across the border.

Two weeks later, the samething happened. Again the guard demanded to see the
two bags, whichagain contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for
six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A
few days later, the gaurd happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend,
you sure had us crazy", said the gaurd.

"We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a
word - but what is it you were smuggling?"

"Bicycles!"

List of Signs that you are too drunk

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Mon, 04 Dec 2006 17:37:00 +0000

Here is the listing of signs that you are too drunk:

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interferring with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you
Fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

I'm as jober as a sudge.

Looking for day off

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Sun, 03 Dec 2006 13:29:00 +0000

So you want the day off. Let's take a look what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per
year in which you already have two days off per week leaving 261 days
available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you
have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30
minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year,
leaving only 68 days available.

With a one hour lunch period each day,
you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for
work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you
only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so
your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you a
14-day vacation per year that leaves only 1 day available for work, and
I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!

Two doctors opening their office in a small town

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Sat, 02 Dec 2006 15:30:00 +0000

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign
reading “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The
town council was not happy with the sign,

so the doctors changed it
to “Hysterias and Posteriors.” This was not acceptable either, so in
an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to “Schizoids
and Hemorrhoids.” No go. Next, they tried “Catatonics and
High Colonics.” Thumbs down again.

Then came “Manic Depressives and
Anal Retentives.” Still not good. Another attempt resulted in “Minds
and Behinds.” Unacceptable again. So they tried “Lost Souls and Ass
Holes.” No way. “Analysis and Anal Cysts?” Nope. “Nuts and Butts?”
Uh-uh. “Freaks and Cheeks?” Still no go. “Loons and Moons?” Forget
it.

Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with:
“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.” The town council loved it,
and finally everybody was happy.

Mathematical love

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Fri, 01 Dec 2006 15:20:00 +0000

My Dear Love,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.

Before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.

You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.

With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.

Words that End in Gry

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 15:58:00 +0000

This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that end in "gry".

ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I’ve given you the third word. What is it? _______gry?

Who is the better programmer Jesus or Satan

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 15:49:00 +0000

Jesus and Satan have an discussion as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a
contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers
and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for
several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt
of lightning strikes,taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power
is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to
show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the
power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the
voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is
astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus'
program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

About Poker players

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 17:34:00 +0000

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and
drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother,
the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O’Conner looks around and asks, “Oh, me boys, someone got’s
to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?”

They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him
to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me”

Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares: “Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home”

“Tell him to drop dead!” says Murphy’s wife.

“I’ll go tell him.” says Gallagher.

Cool pilot landing his airplane

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 14:29:00 +0000

A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of
really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so
thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles
looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his
passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building
with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: Hi,
where am I?"
The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane."

The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind
landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the
engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers asked
the pilot how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple
question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely
useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office, and from
there, the airport is just 5 miles away on a bearing of 87 degrees!"

Teacher and students introducing in the class

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Tue, 28 Nov 2006 19:01:00 +0000

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the
first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said, “Let’s start with the boys first”. Boys start giving their intro…

First boy: “My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub”.

Teacher was confused to listen but said, “Interesting. Well, Ok. In
fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is
essentially a child in each of us. So it’s ok John. Yes next”.

Second boy: “Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.”

Teacher now got surprised and said, “Good. I like the spirit of
supporting a friend. Ok next”.

Third boy: “I’m Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub”.
Teacher: “Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next”.
This continues…
And the last boy stands up “I’m Harry and my hobby is to see Bubble
in the bathtub”.

Exhausted, the teacher said, “I don’t think I will be able to teach
un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please.”

First girl: “I’m Julie and my hobby is to see birds”.
Teacher: “Good. At last I got something different. Ok next”.

Second girl: “I’m Ruby and I like to collect perfumes”.
Teacher “Now it’s like educated grown up girls. Ok next.

You sweet Girl; Yes you…”
Most beautiful girl of the class gets up:

“Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a
day”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Husband writing e mail for his wife

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Tue, 28 Nov 2006 14:45:00 +0000

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and
was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he
missed one letter, so his note was directed instead to an elderly
preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

Hearing this, her family rushed into the room and saw the following note
on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Signed,
Your eternally loving husband.
PS. Sure is hot down here.