Fun with Spinsters!

Fun with Spinsters! Watches The Bachelorette

2019-06-07T15:38:00.000-04:00

Dear friends,

Do “bachelorettes” have more fun? Not if you’re a Fun with Spinsters! spinster, but “bachelorette” has become the gentler term for a single lady looking for love. This is thanks to ABC’s The Bachelorette. First airing in 2003, The Bachelorette is a dating show where a rejected contestant of The Bachelor gets a second chance at love with twenty-five to thirty eligible men eager for her attention. She is courted at cocktail parties and spectacularly choreographed dates and expected to fall in love with one of these men by season's end. As she homes in on her man, the Bachelorette offers a dwindling bouquet of red roses to her beau until only one remains. The chosen one then proposes, she accepts, and they, in theory, live happily ever after. (Unless she refuses. See the 2015 season for a surprising denouement. 2015 Bachelorette Finale)

Despite being a “bachelorette” since 2003, I long have refused to watch this show. I thought it gave women unrealistic romantic expectations while demanding that they be nothing more than beautiful and easy-going, but I was wrong. It took a hostage situation for me to change my mind.

A couple of years ago I was invited to a dinner at girlfriend's house. “Come for dinner,” my friend said. “I’ll make quesadillas,” she said. “Ghost pepper salsa,” she said. By the first crunch of the quesadilla, I knew something was wrong. She flicked on the TV; a woman in a ballgown walked through a field of sunflowers; then she was making out with a guy, then another guy, then another guy, then they were bungee jumping into jello. "What is this???" I thought, but it was too late. I kept watching. And kept watching. And now, even though it irks me to say this, I am a fan of The Bachelorette.

The Bachelorette Cast, 2019

The pageantry of this show is spellbinding, but the feelings of these women and men can be sincere. This season, Hannah Brown, a southern firecracker hell bent on love and ready to roll-tide over any bullshit, is the Bachelorette. She was crowned Miss Alabama 2018, so she is, of course, stunning; but other than that, she is pretty normal. She is emotional, ambitious, uncomfortable speaking in public, and delightfully dorky. Suitors who open their hearts to her are rewarded, and those who force her hand are slapped into shape. In one episode, when a possessive suitor continued to interrupt her time with others, Hannah informed him that this show was her deal, that she called the shots, and that if he did not shape up he could ship out. How often have I wanted to say that?? Damn, Hannah B! This pageant queen is no man's arm candy.

Hannah with controversial contestant Luke P

Whomever Hannah chooses in the end, the likelihood of that relationship surviving is small. A few of the show’s couples have married, had kids, and been happy together, but most have not. The Bachelorette relationships last a few months to a year, just long enough for the media attention to fade. Without the glamour of an audience, many Bachelorettes ditch their guys and use their fame to launch successful careers.

Hannah Brown, The Bachelorette 2019

It is no surprise that these relationships fail—so much is contrived—but no matter how long Hannah’s romance lasts, this Bachelorette knows how to be courted. The more Hannah demands from Love the harder her suitors work to give it to her. She expects courtesy, honesty, and devotion, and she gets it. If these men do not meet Hannah’s needs, she shows them the door. Literally. In the first episode, she marched a suitor out of the mansion after learning he had a backup squeeze in case he didn't get a rose. No Plan B with Hannah B! That guy didn't even make it to the rose ceremony.

Hannah Brown, The Bachelorette 2019

Hannah’s dating expectations are inspiring. If a relationship does not meet her needs, she loses it: she knows that someone else will treat her right. Likewise, that right relationship should feel natural, not fraught with drama from the start. Barring perfection, which is impossible, a relationship should complete us more than deplete us, and anything not meeting that standard is a waste of energy. Hannah has put so much energy into this journey that she was briefly hospitalized for what looked life exhaustion. See how hard dating is nowadays?!

I hope Hannah finds her man. I hope all of my friends find fulfilling relationships. We can’t expect lavish dates on helicopters or candlelit dinners in the wine cellars of Portuguese castles (though I wouldn’t refuse). But we can demand kindness, loyalty, and respect. Accept nothing less. We aren't all beauty queens, but who says we shouldn't be treated like royalty? If we set our standards high, and if we love ourselves first, it won't matter how many roses are left; the right one will have saved that last rose for us from the start.

Cheers,

Super Spinster

P.S. Want to know which of The Bachelorette's couples stayed together? Check out Popsugar.com "Bachelorette Couples Where Now"

"129 ways to get a husband" 1950s Style--Part I

2018-12-26T11:34:00.000-05:00

Dear friends,

If your resolution for 2019 is to land a husband, you probably shouldn't read Fun with Spinsters!, but just for fun, here is some husband-hunting advice for the new year.

Do I have a husband? No, but finding a good man would be nice. Luckily for me, I have been the recipient of much dating advice, including the following gems: hang out at the bars, go blonde, join churches, don't argue with him, wear more makeup, wear the gear of his favorite sports team, let him win, and most importantly, quit dilly dallying! Needless to say, this advice failed me, so maybe I need expert opinions from the men and women who knew how to get the job done, people who married in droves and launched our modern wedding industry. In other words, I need the assistance of those poodle-skirted, whole-milk-drinking geniuses of the 1950s--the mothers and fathers of the Baby Boom.

In the next few posts, I will share portions of the 1958 McCall's magazine article "129 ways to get a husband" and apply this vintage wisdom to 2019. Ready to hunt?

Ways 1 to 13: "Where to find him"

Marilyn Monroe Walking her Dog

1. "Get a dog and walk it" Owning a dog is a good reason to get outside and chat with cute strangers. Just don't sniff strangers' butts: let the dog do that research for you.

2. "Have your car break down at strategic places" Yes, I will drive my car by his house, hop out, slash my own tire, and wait helplessly until he emerges. STALKER ALERT!

3. "Attend night school--take courses men like" This depends on the desired "Mrs." degree. Does your local medical school offer evening courses? Invite your cute classmate to "listen to your heart" with his stethoscope then proceed to a physical examination if he passes the test.

John Bull 1958 UK Hiking Picture

4. "Join a hiking club" Before buying all the gear, scope out the hikers. Don't waste money on Sasquatchy guys. Tent for two?

5. "Look in the census report for places with the most single men. Nevada has 125 males for every 100 males" Research for 2018 reveals the five best places to find single men:
1. Boulder, CO
2. Boston-Cambridge-Newton, MA-NH
3. Bridgeport-Stamford-Nowak, CT
4. Pittsfield, MA
5. Champaign-Urbana, IL
Time to put in for that work transfer! Best Cities for Singles in 2018

6. "Read the obituaries to find eligible widowers" By "eligible", I assume they mean "rich". Obituaries--Grosse Pointe News. You're welcome.

7. "Take up golf and go to different golf courses" Good advice! Many men's dating profiles include photos of them golfing. Better advice is to get a job driving the beer cart; you'll be everyone's favorite and can make a quick getaway if you don't like the clientele.

8. "Take several short vacations at different places rather than one long one at one place" I assume this is to increase the number of men you meet, and the vacation locations should be chosen carefully. Where did that widower say he and his wife had that timeshare?

Chicago tourism postcard

9. "Sit on a park bench and feed the pigeons" Then train your pigeon friends to land on the cute guys in the park. No pooping on him, Peaches!

10. "Take a bicycle trip through Europe" Ride a tandem bike solo with bike baskets full of baked goods in clear wrapping. Place a bow on the second seat as an open invitation for l'amour.

11. "Get a job in a medical, dental or law school" But for God's sake don't become a doctor, dentist, or lawyer!

1957 Stewardess from the magazine Everywoman's Family Circle*

12. "Become a nurse or an air-line stewardess--they have very high marriage rates" Not according to the 10 jobs with the highest divorce rates:
1. Dancer/Choreographer
2. Bartender
3. Massage Therapist
4. Gaming Cage Worker
5. Extruding Machine Operator
6. Gaming Service Worker
7. Factory Worker
8. Switchboard Operator
9. Nurse/Health Aide
10. Entertainer/Performer/Pro Athlete.
Leave your pole dancing career behind, friends; it doesn't seem to inspire marital bliss. But if you are a male massage therapist, I'm yours. 10 jobs with the highest divorce rates

13. "Ask your friends' husbands who the eligible men are in their offices" Ask for CEOs, CFOs, and COOs and/or for the sweethearts who work hard and bring donuts for the team. Forget the small fry: we are big-game hunters at Fun with Spinsters!

Ready to pack these tools in your purse and get hunting? Stay tuned for my next post with ways fourteen to twenty-seven on "129 ways to get a husband". I hear wedding bells already.

Cheers,
The Super Spinster

P.S. *Here are the stewardess grooming tips and taboos from above:

Grooming Tips

Hair clean and shining
A soft feminine hair style
Skin soft and smooth
Delicate flattering make-up
Teeth clean and healthy
Voice well modulated
Modest tasteful clothing
Hat and gloves for street wear
A well fitted girdle
Fresh lingerie daily
Hem lines of becoming length
Body skin fresh and clean
Daily use of a deodorant
Armpits hair-free
Hands soft and manicured
Legs smooth and free of hair
Feet well groomed and well shod

Taboos

Ankle bracelets
Platinum nail polish
Decorated or dark-heel hosiery
Shabby unpolished shoes and run-over heels
Uneven, ill-hanging hems
Long shaggy hair, streaming pony-tail hairdos, boyish haircuts
Heavy artificial-looking make-up
Loud boisterous voice
Profane or rude language
Unsightly unladylike positions of feet and legs when sitting or standing
Pretentious jewelry
Sheer revealing blouses and gaudy dress of any kind
Any form of unladylike behavior
Use of cheap-smelling perfume

Well, I'm f***ed. How did you do?

Holiday Movie Hell--Save Yourselves

2018-12-16T18:57:00.000-05:00

Holiday Movie Hell "The Best Holiday Movies to Stream Online"

Dear friends,

"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here" said Dante Alighieri one December when he flicked on The Hallmark Channel for some holiday rest and relaxation and...what the hell is this crap??! What's that girl from that 90s show doing on here? That's not real snow! Would someone zip up that woman's coat?! New York doesn't look that clean!!!

Okay, so Dante never wrote about modern holiday movies. He was a thirteenth-century Italian poet without television, but his quote, as etched above the door to Hell in his Inferno, suits my feelings about holiday movies and their UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS.

Bridget Jones's Diary

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #1: I must fall in love before Christmas. Even the scroogiest heartthrob businessman will find love beneath the mistletoe when he is forced back to his rural hometown for the holidays. He encounters his lost love from high school, who now runs a small shop selling organic goats' milk soaps, when she hits his Mercedes with her goat truck. Then, over the twelve days of Christmas, she reminds him he still has a soul, they kiss beneath the mistletoe, and he dumps his city life and city girlfriend for good.

REALITY CHECK #1: That Christmas enchantment won't last past Valentine's Day. He will get tired of mixing organic soap for her. His penthouse in the city has no room for her goats. The holiday glitz fades, so stick with the guy who dug your car out of a snowdrift last March while you messed with the radio presets in his nice warm car: that love lasts all year.

A Christmas Arrangement (2018)
with Poppy Benson, a struggling florist who finds love

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #2: Only women in "cheerful" professions deserve holiday romance. Hallmark heroines with a "spirit for Christmas" have challenging jobs but never seem to work that hard. They are elementary school teachers with perfect children, interior designers who never run out of tape, bakers who can afford to close shop for Christmas to run after European princes, and wedding bloggers who sip expensive lattes in elegant cafes. (Note: I am sitting at home with messy hair drinking a poor woman's latte, water.) How does this fantastical woman raise her young son on her own, run a successful cafe/bookshop, direct the children's choir, and do her hair like that? The female characters who seem stressed, like real people, are in the "grinchy" professions: lawyers, bankers, and journalists. If only they could do a gender-appropriate job, they could enjoy Christmas properly.

REALITY CHECK #2: "Bossy" women rule the world, so get used to it. Real women take care of their families and take care of business. They are mechanics, teachers, store owners, and dietitians. They put out fires all day then go home and celebrate the holidays as they prefer. There is no time to readjust even the hottest hero's bad Christmas attitude.

A Christmas Inheritance (2018)

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #3: Only a white, straight woman with ringlets can have holiday romance. When did we stop having different hairstyles? A classic Hallmark heroine has romantic ringlets dangling over an unzipped jacket atop skinny legs ending in stiletto boots. As she toddles around the snowy streets wondering if she will ever find "the One", she slams into Mr. Wrong, fends off Mr. Heck-No, and frustrates everyone until she realizes Mr. Just Friends has been Mr. Perfect all along.

REALITY CHECK #3: In the real world, a holiday Hallmark heroine would slip on the ice in her high heels and freeze to death in her spring jacket. Her ringlets would crack with ice until some pitying northerner drove her to the hospital where she would spend Christmas recovering from frostbite. There, she may encounter Miss Just Right, R.N. with whom she falls in love and who inspires her to get an original hairstyle.

CAVEAT: Netflix has varied its holiday heroes and plots. We have much work to do, but start with The Holiday Calendar. It's cute.

The Holiday Calendar (2018)
about two photographers and long-time friends who fall in love

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #4: Magic is literally in the air. There's either enchanted mistletoe, a wishing tree, or an old guy who appears everywhere and knows too much. In other words, you'd better believe, or Christmas is going to get you.

REALITY CHECK #4: We make the magic. If we send holiday cards out, we may receive some. If we feed the hungry, we may be fed one day when we are in need. If we ask that cute guy on a date, he may say "yes", and the magic we dreamt of becomes a reality.

"These Hanukkah Movies Will Keep you Busy For All 8 Nights" by elitedaily.com

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #5: Only Christmas is magical. It's Christmas that transforms hearts, unites families, and reminds us that we are one. Well, some of us are. There are those other people who look and think differently than us that we won't talk about: they ruin the aesthetic.

REALITY CHECK #5: As a Christian, I adore Christmas and celebrate it with religious and secular cheer, but it's only a day. We also have Hanukkah and Kwanzaa to celebrate this December! And these celebrations should inspire great holiday films. For example, Hanukkah is eight days of light, presents, and latkes. I can see it now. Jaded, frivolous interior designer from L.A. returns home to Metro Detroit for Hanukkah and a family party with her parents' friends. On the first night of the season, she drops the menorah onto the lap of the cute guy she hated in high school who runs an orphanage in the city. At first, they hate each other because he needs a skin graft from the burns, but his family talks to her family, and over seven days they plot to bring the two together. On the last night of Hanukkah, all is forgiven, and they light the last candle together deciding she will open her own interior design store in Detroit and collect donations for the orphans. And they live happily ever after. Chag Sameach!

"How to Pick a Great Wine for Your Holiday Dinner" by parade.com

Whatever you celebrate this year, save yourself from holiday hell by remembering that you are enough already. While the fluffy films and holiday hooplah are temporary, the relationships we build during this season are lasting treasures. This is our time to spend with loved ones and share our blessings with others. We should eat latkes and sing Christmas carols and dance at Kwanzaa celebrations. Let's throw holiday parties so wild and wonderful that they become tradition. As long as hope remains, holiday heaven is possible. And if we stay at it long enough, Hallmark may decide to hire more than one writer and finally write about the real holiday magic we have been enjoying for years.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Season's Greetings to you all!

Cheers,
The Super Spinster

Spinsters in "Dangerous Places": Mexico City Myths Debunked

2018-11-03T14:29:00.000-04:00

Dear friends,

Thirsting for adventure? Travel is the surest hydration, but are some watering holes too dangerous to drink from? That's what people told me when I announced my plans to visit Mexico City. "It's not safe there for girls like you. You will be kidnapped, ransomed, and murdered. Why don't you just go to a resort like the other girls?" Because renegade spinsters don't hang out at resorts; we prefer the wild. Besides, Rachel is a Spanish teacher and longed to see the places in her textbooks, and I just wanted to eat real tacos and drink tequila. So we booked our trip, packed a carry-on each, and waved goodbye to our family and friends for what they thought surely was the last time (check out Spinsters in Dangerous Places: How I Afforded Mexico City).

Before you let commonly held prejudices ruin your trip, find out how Rachel and I survived "dangerous" Mexico City.

Mexico City Myths Debunked

(1) I'll get kidnapped. Being kidnapped wasn't so bad. One evening, Rachel and I were walking to dinner when we were chased down by a gang of Mexican teenagers and held hostage until we helped them with their English homework. Presuming we knew English (how did they know??), the kids asked if they could film an English interview with us. The recorded interview was 100% of their grade, so we interviewed again and again until it was just right. Only then, having paid our ransom, were we released.

Cafe de Tacuba

(2) I'll get sick from the water. Moctezuma's curse is real, but outwit it by drinking bottled water. Bottled water is sold everywhere, and the nicer hotels stock it for guests. (Like our hotel, Historico Central Hotel) Other tips that saved us from the Aztec emperor's revenge including rinsing our toothbrushes with bottled water, eating cooked foods, and drinking beer and tequila. We brought medicine with us, and although we didn't need it, it was good to have.

(3) I'll get Hepatitis A from the food. Not if you use common sense and have a vaccine. Vendors with people waiting in line will have more food turnover and clearly are popular with the locals. Rachel and I also ate at nicer places and took a food tour of the street vendors and market stalls. (I recommend Eat Like a Local--Mexico City Food Safaris.) Also, we got a Hepatitis A shot before we left for Mexico, which will serve us well everywhere.

Keep an open mind, Raquell!

(4) I'll get mugged. The only reason you should lose your money in Mexico City is because you spent it all. Just use common sense. Rachel and I walked in well-lit areas in safe neighborhoods. We had a professional guide show us the city's treasures that we would not have found alone. Just to be doubly cautious, we wore zipped, cross-strap purses and left our diamonds and pearls at home.

(5) Mexicans will harass me. Good luck trying to get Mexicans to leave you alone. Their hospitality is relentless. "Would you like more cafe con leche?" "Would you like a free ticket to the museum?" "Would you like another taco, more bread, another tequila????" I was so full of delicious food and laden with shopping bags of beautiful things that I needed a daily siesta. As for cruising around during the day and at night, no one harangued us on the streets; everyone treated us with respect. Mexican madres and abuelitas (mothers and grandmothers) are everywhere, and no one screws around when they're in town.

(6) Mexicans hate Americans. Although Mexicans dislike some U.S. politicians, they dislike their own politicians more. Mexicans understand that just because a government behaves one way does not mean its people agree. Mexicans like to make fun of the problems they face and work collaboratively to fix them. In our political discussions, no one got mad, and we laughed together at our dysfunctional governments.

(7) I don't speak Mexican. I don't speak Mexican either, no one does. Mexicans speak Spanish, and although you needn't speak Spanish to get by in Mexico City, you should show your hosts the respect of trying. Here are the basics:

"Buenos dias" (Good morning)

"Buenas tardes" (Good afternoon)

"Buenas noches" (Good evening)

"Gracias" (Thank you)

"¿Dónde está el baño por favor?" (Where is the bathroom, please?)

"Dos tequilas por favor" (Two tequilas, please).

El restaurante Azul Historico, a good place to try mezcal and tequila

Give it a try, and you will delight your hosts, but don't be offended if they switch to English so you will stop slaughtering their language.

(8) Mexico City is expensive. Not if you have American money! The U.S. dollar is stronger than the Mexican Peso, and we exchanged dollars for pesos at our hometown bank, which didn't charge us fees. Cash is king in Mexico City's markets, so we were glad to have small and large bills for buying nice things like the work of local artisans and designer labels in the stores. We used our credit cards at the nicer restaurants, and we tipped 15% to 20% or more for excellent service. We wanted people to remember Americans as well-mannered and kind, so we tipped generously.

(9) It's too dangerous and too hard to get around Mexico City. Our hotel concierge ordered us a cab from the airport to the hotel, Uber is everywhere, rental bikes are available for under $1.00, sidewalks are plentiful, and the Metro is inexpensive and extensive. On the Metro, the first three cars of every train are only for women and children under twelve years old, and security guards stand on the platforms. In fact, police are all over the city, primarily helping pedestrians cross the streets, but also for security. We walked, rode the Metro, and cabbed all over Mexico City for pennies on the dollar. (Spinsters in "Dangerous Places": How I Afforded Mexico City)

(10) Mexico City is dirty. Try telling that to the shop owners who scrub their sidewalks with soap and water every morning. Restaurants are clean, the Metro is tidy, and no one leaves home with greasy hair in a bun on top of their heads or wearing pajamas. We were sure to dress simply and stylishly every day and definitely washed our hair before stepping out.

Now that you know the truth about Mexico City, you are so close to an authentic, enchanting adventure over the border. Your friends and family may warn you off, but take it as love and go anyway. Let your curiosity and courage guide you to the travel locations that replenish your soul. I can only warn you that Mexico City will leave you hungry for more.

Saludos!

The Super Spinster

**Need more reassuring? Post your questions in the comments below. **

Spinsters in "Dangerous Places": How I Afforded Mexico City

2018-11-03T13:30:00.000-04:00

Dear friends,

You can run off to Mexico for cheap if you are savvy, and the risk of escaping to this "dangerous" place is well worth it (check out my post about my adventures in Spinsters in "Dangerous Places": Mexico City Myths Debunked ). As a happy spinster with neither spouse nor children to distract me, I have plenty of time for researching great deals and amazing places. Save time and use these steps for visiting Mexico City for four days for under $800.00 per person.

Step One: Suffer a personal drama that leads to a sudden, rash decision to travel. This spring, my family went through some health drama, and rather than crumbling into a puddle of fear, Rachel and I booked a trip to Mexico. "Way to handle crisis, Super Spinster! You ran away to Mexico!" Not quite. When my life becomes hell, I plan for heaven, so we booked the trip for October way back in March. It gave us something to look forward to all summer, and by the time we left, the crisis was over. We had booked a trip to a "dangerous" place when we were too anxious about other things to be afraid, and it worked out beautifully.

Hotel Historico Central

Step Two: Book your hotel far ahead of time. Rachel and I stayed at Hotel Historico Central in Mexico City's historic district. It offers 60% discounts to early bookers. We slept in a room that should have cost us $400.00 per night for only $125.00. Complimentary bottled water and delicious food were available 24/7, we had lots of TV channels for when our tired feet couldn't carry us any further, and the staff left candy and the next day's weather report on our pillows every evening. We felt like princesses.

Step Three: Purchase your flight around three months before you intend to travel. Use a website like Google Flights to compare prices, and set up price alerts so you can watch for a drop. Scott's Cheap Flights is another helpful website for last-minute, inexpensive airfare.

That's not water in my glass--Cafe de Tacuba

Step Four: Save your money. You don't need that new purse. You need an extra round of tequila and dessert at Cafe de Tacuba in historic Mexico City. (Check out this article about Cafe de Tacuba from Food + Wine magazine--This Breathtaking Mexico City Restaurant is a History Lover's Dream.) Fancy drinks with friends every Friday? Cut those in half and ask your friends to your house for beer, pizza, and a movie. Take those dollars you saved and spend them on a culinary safari across Mexico City's markets. (I recommend Eat Like a Local--Mexico City Food Safaris.) Do you really need that new iPhone? Nope. Skip that and pay for a driver to take you out to the Aztec pyramids and a guide to show you through the jungle (on my bucket list for my return visit this winter). Leverage your money for experiences, not things, and you will be amazed at how reasonable travel can become.

Step Five: Maximize hotel breakfasts. If your hotel room comes with breakfast, eat with dedication. Be like a hobbit: have first breakfast then second breakfast. Take your time filling up so well that you may only need one more meal that day. And maybe grab a pastry to go.

Note the bottled waters--El Mercado de Jamaica

Step Six: Pack snacks. Rather than paying for expensive food in the airport or downtown, bring granola bars you buy on discount at home (coupons!). Make your own trail mix, and pack a lunch or dinner for the airport so you don't overspend. Rachel and I brought empty water bottles to the airport and filled them once we passed security. In Mexico City, the hotel gave us complimentary bottled water that we carried around town.

Step Seven: Use rewards points to pay for adventures. My VISA gives me points for using it, points I have accrued and used to buy tours and to rent cars on vacation. It's free money. Check out if there's anything cool in your travel destination on which you can spend your points!

Step Eight: Rachel and I could afford Mexico City because the U.S. dollar is stronger than the Mexican Peso. Maximize these places where your money can carry you further. By no means wealthy (Rachel is a public school teacher and I am an associate attorney in a small law firm), we know how to maximize our cash.

The view from El Castillo de Chapultepec

Step Nine: Partake of free-admission days. Rachel and I planned our wanderings to hit museums on days when they were free. Rachel got into the Castillo de Chapultepec for free with her teacher ID while I had to pay a few bucks (no discounts for lawyers).

Step Ten: Walk or take public transit. I downloaded metro and city maps on my phone for access without wifi. The Metro cost around $0.50 per ride, and we rode it all over. Marveling at Mexico City's architecture, we walked for miles burning off the calories we had just consumed and opening up our appetites for more. Food is reasonably priced, even cheap, in Mexico City, so prepare to eat!

Diego Rivera Murals in El Zocalo, the Mexican Governmental Palace

With these strategies, Rachel and I did Mexico City for four days for $800.00 each. That includes our flight, hotel, and spending money. Our memories will last much longer than any fancy purse or new smartphone. Even if we find spouses one day and are blessed with kids, we will have these memories forever. .... What am I saying?? Our spouses would take care of the kids as we waved "Adios", a few hundred dollars in hand, heading for the borderline.

¡Viva Mexico!

Cheers,
Elizabeth

A Singular Sweetest Day

2018-10-19T11:36:00.000-04:00

Celebrate Sweetest Day: Throw a Party for Your Sweets

Dear friends,

Time to make Sweetest Day 2018 your best "adventure for one" yet! In September, I wrote about the independent joys we find on our own and that we can be happy regardless of relationship status (see Adventures for One: Finding Independent Joy), but that doesn't mean single people operate solo all the time. We need people, too! And I bet you have non-romantic relationships that mean the world to you. In fact, single people often have even larger social networks than their coupled compatriots who may limit their interactions to time with each other. "Adventurers for One" are great at being alone but also dedicate a lot of time to their friends, families, and communities. We benefit from this variety of social interactions and, as a result, have a lot of love to share.

Puppies love each other.

For this sweetest day, think of how many lives you touch every week and what you can do to show them your appreciation. Think of the lady at the coffee shop who always gets your drink right. Your co-workers who don't steal your food from the communal fridge. The librarian who knows your name because you're always picking up new books. Your parents whom you (should) call a couple of times each week.

Our lives are full of people who take care of us in small ways and bring our emotional balance sheets out of the red and into the black (see The Balance Sheet of Life), so what can you do to make their days sweeter? A tip for the lady at the coffee shop. Cookies for your co-workers. Some chocolates for the librarian because she holds your book requests longer than the normal three business days when you can't get your act together and get over there in time (just me?). An extra phone call to your parents.

Giving Flowers to Others as a Sign of Appreciation

Being kind to others is a sure way to an endorphin high. By thanking those who make your life easier, you reap the immediate happiness benefits while nurturing relationships that help you all year. And as for those jerks who bombard your life, be sweet to them, too. If their bad attitudes are from neglect, your kindness may remedy that and win you a friend. But if your kindness doesn't even crack the ice, screw them and move on. ...Sigh.... Or maybe I should tell you to forgive them and try again later. I'm only human, okay?

Here's how I self care. Cheers!

Lastly, take care of yourself this Sweetest Day. Buy yourself flowers and chocolates, take yourself to that movie, or just write down what you like about yourself. I suggest not doing this as a balm to pain because you'll only end up crying over that chocolate cake. Do these things because you love yourself. I promise you are worth the extra care.

Happy Sweetest Day, my friends! I appreciate and adore all of you!.

Cheers,
The Super Spinster

Daily Adventures for One

2018-10-02T12:44:00.001-04:00

Today's Adventure for One

A "dirty" Chai Tea Latte at Bitter Sweet Cafe in Historic Downtown Holly, Michigan on an October morning ("dirty" is for the shot of espresso). What are your Adventures for One?

Adventures for One: Finding Independent Joy

2018-09-26T12:44:00.005-04:00

Dear friends,

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/why-love-eating-alone

We all have activities we love to do alone, things we prefer to revel in solo without the interruption of other human brains. For example, I love to visit museums by myself and take as long as I like on each exhibit; I enjoy a fall evening with just me, a glass (or two...maybe three) of wine, and a Gossip Girl marathon; and I revel in a bike ride down a country road with only cows and fields for company. I even like eating out alone, choosing whatever I want on the menu, and reading a novel while I sip wine and eat my meal.

I'll admit it; people look at me quizzically as I munch happily over a table for one. I imagine they think, "Who's that intellectual, beautiful woman eating that nutritious salad all alone? If only I were brave and beautiful and healthy like her." You may think they are saying, "Who's the lonely nerd with the book?", but I will bet they actually wonder, "Wow. Lady on her own. What's she eating? Can I get that?" People usually just think about themselves, so we worry far too much about judgments that aren't even happening.

We have been trained to believe that if we are alone we must be lonely, and that loneliness must be our own fault. If only we were more social, more open, more loving, we would never need to be alone. What would never being alone look like? Surely, we would all go mad, and the introverts would revolt immediately and take over the world because they are already in control of our computer systems anyway.

We all have independent joys that replenish and inspire us, but we are discouraged from pursuing them in the open because of how we may be perceived. Rather than worry about that, let's pursue our adventures for one with confidence and admire others as they do the same.

Now that I have admitted that I drink alone (the shame!), here is a challenge: Share with Fun with Spinsters! what you love to do alone (keep it PG, people). What are your independent joys? What are your adventures for one? And why do you love doing these things solo? Do you love to exercise, travel, clean, cook, dance, sing, eat out, garden on your own? Share with us! You just may inspire us to do that thing we have always wanted to with renewed courage.

Share photos and comments on Fun with Spinsters!'s Facebook page, Instagram (#funwithspinsters), or in the comments below.

Cheers!
The Super Spinster

Romance on a Budget—Thrifty Dating Ideas

2018-09-06T16:01:00.001-04:00

Dear friends,

Financial savvy is the new sexy. Rather than be saddled with an immature partner in need of adulting classes, I seek a partner who knows how to manage his money and his life. When my date pulls out a gift card at a nice place, I'll admit it: I go weak at the knees. I don't consider it “cheap” to know a good deal; it’s thrifty, and my Scotch blood loves it.

If you seek romance but worry you cannot afford it, fear not! You needn’t fall into debt to fall in love. Try the following ideas for great dates that help you learn about the other person but leave money to spare:

Picnic—find a local park, bring food and drink, and ask your date to bring something, too. You’ll learn a lot about your date by what he or she brings. On one of my park escapades, my date brought a table cloth, cutlery, lawn chairs, two kinds of wine (in case I didn’t like one of them), and takeout from one of my favorite places. The man knew what he was doing, and we had a great time picnicking while looking out over the water.

Volunteer Event—plant a tree, pack a box of food, volunteer for a cause you support. You’ll discover whether your date is generous and can work as a team, and even if the date is a bust, you did something nice for someone else. Visit Volunteer Match for ideas. For Metro Detroiters, try Gleaner's Food Bank for a fun half a day out.

Museum or Art Gallery—You don’t have to know anything about history or art for this outing. Usually these places are free, and wandering around admiring the exhibits is a useful way to psychoanalyze your date. I take many of my dates to the Detroit Institute of Arts and surreptitiously unravel their ids, egos, and super egos based on their responses to the art. Impressionism fan? Classic romantic. Modernism aficionado? Willing to think outside the box. Fascinated by the sculptures of male nudes? Probably gay. Looks bored or tries to touch the art? End of tour.

Free Concerts or Movies—So what if the free movie in the park is Trolls? Pop some popcorn and bring a picnic blanket. Keep it PG around the kids, but if you plan to get adventurous, take it to the back row.

Hiking—Hiking is an effective, cost-effective form of interrogation, and you should use it if you want to discover whatever your date is hiding.

In my experience, most men prefer to handle serious topics when facing the same way as their conversation partner. For example, men prefer to speak seriously when sitting at a counter or next to someone in a car. They can spill their souls without ever making eye contact and can pretend the conversation is merely casual. Most women, however, want to look at the person speaking. They sit across the table in order to watch body language and facial expressions. Think about the ladies from Sex and the City sitting in a restaurant sharing their sexual escapades over a meal, unable to hide anything from their perceptive girlfriends.

We reveal a lot in the twitch of a nervous foot or the side glance of a lie, and we mimic the body language of people we like or agree with. (Here's a link to a site about the science of reading body language: The Science of People) Although we should watch the body language of our partners closely, this can stress people out (like they know what we're doing...), so go on that hike, give your date a few miles to feel the endorphin hit, then let the questioning begin.

Choose your Meals Wisely—If you must observe the ritual of eating out, cut your costs by meeting for lunch over dinner and coffee over drinks.

Lunch entrees are delicious and discounted from their dinner equivalents. If you are not a drinker, lunch does not invite heavy boozing, and it offers an easy out because who doesn’t have something to do that afternoon? It is harder to make this excuse in the evening when the only places to go are out with someone else or home to bed (no shame in that!).

As for beverage dates, coffee over beer. I have dated men who slug a few beers and start telling me their sexual frustrations with past loves or how many kids we are going to have. Although these confessions told me a lot, I couldn’t drink enough alcohol to make them okay. Abort! Abort! Abort! I ran to my car and took off thankful for my caffeinated sobriety.

This man clearly prefers his date over the sculpture.

No matter how many dates you go on, choose an activity you enjoy, and don’t break the bank. Save your money for yourself or for someone worth the expense. By suggesting these thrifty and fun outings, you show your date that you are not just in it for the money; you are in it for the person. Besides, if your date tries to stick you with the bill on one of these dates, who cares? It didn’t cost much to learn he or she is a loser! So far, no man has dared stick me with the bill, but maybe that’s because I tell my dates up front that I am a debt collection attorney. Have I mentioned I love my job? Check, please!

Do you have recommendations for inexpensive dates? I would love to hear them. Please share below.

Cheers,

The Super Spinster

Turn Thirty and Cry, or Turn Thirty and Fly?

2018-07-27T17:22:00.000-04:00

Dear friends,

Turn thirty and cry, or turn thirty and fly? I'll admit crying is tempting, and I knew this birthday would be challenging. Women (and men to an extent) are under pressure to remain young forever, the eternal "29-year old", and we literally beat our bodies into submission. But we need not cease celebrating the years of our lives after 29. Why are we missing so many parties? The key to taking back our bodies and our hearts is to think outside of the limits of ourselves. When it's not all about us we can unplug the societal pressure cooker and restore ourselves by the logic of why we are where we are.

With this philosophy, I found a perfect thirtieth birthday scheme that was less about what I lack and more about the amazing people in my life. Too many times, I have been helped by the right person in the right place at the right time. How did they manage to be there? Serendipity? Fate? Did I care? I just needed someone, and that person's kindness changed that moment of need into one of joy. If I could recreate that and multiply it by every year of my life thus far--thirty times over--surely I would know I am in the right place at the right time not for my sake but for yours.

So, for my thirtieth birthday, I asked for thirty random acts of kindness. When I feel powerless to crush the evil in this world, I perform a random act of kindness and hope it grows into a Goliath of goodness, righting the wrongs that I cannot on my strength alone. Surely, even thirty kindnesses could work small miracles?

I have listed below the collection of kindnesses my loved ones shared with me for my thirtieth. Maybe you were the beneficiary or the successor beneficiary of a few of these. If not, fear not; they’re making their way around the world to you.

RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS BY MY AMAZING FAMILY AND FRIENDS

(1) "At work we are in our busiest season with weddings, proms, etc working on average 6 days a week, 70 hours-(Super Spinster)’s bday inspired me to pick up some healthy breakfast items for the team! Not sure if this counts, but THANK YOU for this idea! It is so energizing! " --Nicole

(2) My friend Michele purchased a bed kit for a child in a third-world country from Sleeping Children Around the World. This organization provides needy children with a mat or mattress/bedding, a mosquito net to combat the threat of malaria and other vector-borne diseases, schoolbag and school supplies, and clothing and footwear. For more info., visit Sleeping Children Around the World

(3) "Nothing fancy, but tonight at our Church's family fun night, Luke and I helped give directions to different events, held doors for people, helped kids wait in line by singing songs, and brought water to a busy mom who was hot. We weren't working this event, just trying to be nice. What would (Super Spinster) do? " --Julie

(4) "I bought my friend’s Breakfast this morning after our long run in the hills of Leonard. 🍳" -- Sarah

(5) "I've done this a few times lately, but today I took my elderly neighbor's dog for a walk! This sweetheart is the best!" -- Becca

(6) "One of my favorite things to do is to buy an extra coffee or two at the cafeteria at work. The cashier knows us all so well by now that I always know that she'll pick someone who really needs it. I'm never there when she picks someone and tells them their coffee is paid for, but it's great just knowing that someone got a happy surprise." -- Marie

(7) "Today was my first time coaching youth baseball. PAL 12 and under and of course I opened the door for several people today and wished them an amazing day." --Richerd

(8) "I was trying to pay our parking meter in downtown Stratford yesterday and the people in front of me were having a lot of trouble. They happened to be Americans. They let me go ahead and we recognized that American coins don’t cut it in Canada at the meters. I happily paid for them and they were so thrilled and astonished that I wouldn’t take the 5$ bill the presented me. Random acts of kindness are the best!" -- Sue

(9) "(Super Spinster), I thought of you last week as I picked a single peony flower from my garden. I took it to one of my schools and gave it to a very special grade five girl that I have been working with. I know you will understand. A week later she still has the fallen petals in a Ziploc bag that she carries around with her. Happy birthday to you." -- Sue

(10) "(Super Spinster) the other day I was visiting a large hospital. Met an elderly woman, with a walker and very shakey, in the washroom. She could not find her purse and had come downstairs to buy her husband, a patient, a coffee. She had great difficulty getting around and thought maybe she left her purse upstairs in her husband's room. I helped her search and when we were not successful gave her $5.00 to buy a coffee so that she would not have to make a trip upstairs and down again. Made me feel wonderful and just hope she found her purse. I know that is something you would do." -- Nancy

(11) "This is such a lovely idea (Super Spinster). We moved house last year, and now live on a wonderful street in Saint Clair Shores. Many of our neighbors are elderly, and my husband and I regularly look out for them, and provide help and support. So far this week we have helped one neighbor with her car battery that had gone flat, helped another move a large planter, and took care of another neighbors home while she went out of town. Just small things, but it makes us very happy to help, and it means the world to them that they have someone to turn to. Happy Birthday...have a wonderful day!" --Katie

(12) "Great idea, (Super Spinster). Yesterday I cleaned up [a neighbor's] cottage flower beds and watered them. I know my work was not as good as [my neighbor's], but it made me feel good to help out a bit at a time when she can't do it." -- Candy

(13) "(Super Spinster), I gave an Ecuadorian man a lesson on Americans. I explained that their president didn't represent what Americans were about. He truly understood when I told him how a young lady who I have known since birth just wanted 30 good deeds done for her birthday.And I gave him money to buy his young daughters new dresses for church. In these times your wishes really make a difference." --Brian

(14) "Gave a coupon to the lady in front of me to use...Boy, was she surprised, it was worth $1.50...Also killed weeds in my neighborhood park today, so it looks good!" -- Greg

(15) "This is a nice idea (Super Spinster)! I recently donated to the food pantry at my church, and will soon be helping them out with some other volunteer programs as well." --Alex

(16) "Today I was fueling my car at the Kroger gas station. The card reader wasn’t working at the pump, so I decided to pay in cash at the window. While waiting on my change, I heard the woman in front of me ask for $7.83 in gas. I approached her, and asked if there was a reason she’d been so specific about the amount. As expected, she shared that it was all the change she had. I reached over and placed my $6.25 in her hand. She seemed incredulous, 'for real? You’re giving this to me?' I told her that I thought she should have more gas in her tank. While I was walking back to my vehicle she called out that I’d made her day. Honestly, she made mine." --Stacey

(17) "I brought your sister an iced tea on a hot school day ." --Beth Anne (**my sister seriously appreciated it)

(18) "Luke and I are surprising Drew with a lunch date for an early Father's Day celebration. We are also bringing cookies to his whole team. " -- Julie

(19) My friend Mehak told me about this one. She bought the coffee of the person behind her in the Tim Horton's drive thru. She returned to Tim Horton's the next day and was told she started a pay-it-forward stream that lasted from 7 A.M. until 1 P.M. That's six hours of paying it forward!

(20) "As a birthday gift, I set up a website for a former classmate who writes really insightful movie reviews. He used to work for me when I edited the student newspaper. When he was graduating (4 years ago!) he talked about how he wanted to critique films. He has a great 9-5 job now that has nothing to do with the silver screen, but movies are still his passion. He's spoken at the local library about the Oscars, posts his reviews on theFacebook.com, but he never got around to getting a website together. I hadn't talked to him in over a year, so when I sent him an email with a URL and login, he found it a very random act of kindness." -- Ben

(21) "Brought home another plant, even though I have little room for one, because I wanted for make sure the plant had a good home." -- Stephen

(22) "Bought my co-workers donuts as a thank you and good-bye before leaving my job." -- Nitya

(23) "One of my coworkers grandfathers passed away during work yesterday morning, so during lunch, I went and bought her some flowers to brighten her day." -- Hilary

(24) "My friend has a young baby, I gave her some resources for free events to bond with other new mom's. Luke and I took her to one today. She was really glad to get out of the house." -- Julie

(25) "The YMCA of Marquette County has recently fallen into some hard times and I am helping by teaching Swim lesson training and acting as a competitive swim consultant at no cost to them . . . . And . . . Sault Ste Marie MI is in risk of losing both of their pools. . . We are currently finishing up a fundraiser where our pool is our main build so we have lots of cost analysis and what not. Where these are not so much 'Paying it forward' I have taken it upon myself to buckle down and do everything I can to make sure that every person in the UP has the opportunity to swim whether it be for competitive swimming, learning how to swim, water aerobics and rehab or a fearful adult who has never swam before. Drowning is the second leading cause of death in children under the age to 12, 80% of drownings happen within arms reach of safety...This needs to end and this is how I'm helping in Upper Michigan and Wisconsin." -- John

(26) "Promotion Celebration yesterday/today at work. Not on the list this year, but seeking out the promotees and sharing in their joy." -- Alison

(27) "It’s not totally random, because it was while at work...but today my client showed up for DTE assistance completely unprepared. I had every right to send them away per our policies, but I tried my hardest to work with them to get everything they needed and I was able to stop their pending shut off and give them the maximum amount of assistance! I also provided them resources for setting up payment arrangements, budgeting and energy saving classes, and job opportunities in the area. They were very thankful and appreciative of all of the extra help I provided outside of my normal duties. Happy birthday (Super Spinster)! Know that your birthday led to one less Detroit family without utilities this summer " -- Megan

(28) "How about holding the door open for a man at the YMCA at 5:40am!" -- Jodi

(29) "I picked up rubbish on the street today!! Some people are such litterbugs! ♻️" --Antonia

(30) My friend, who wishes to remain anonymous, paid for her friend's fire insurance premium so the friend could get the benefits of her policy and start getting back into her home.

BONUS KINDNESSES!

(31) "I just delivered food, housewares, clothes, and toys to a Mom in need. Happy Birthday!" -- Erica

(32) "I paid for the guy behind me at McDonald’s." -- Melissa

(33) "Clare and I went through our closets and gathered up a couple bags of clothes to donate to Salvation Army. Clare was adamant on donating these clothes to our church’s rummage sale on June 9th, but I had other plans for that day (engagement), so the rummage sale took a back seat. We settled for Salvation Army today and are happy to help those in need in the Ann Arbor area." -- Ben

(34) "On Monday, I went with my dad & his cousin, Julianne, to visit her sister, who recently had to be put in a care facility. She doesn't get many guests other than Julianne, even from her own children, so I wanted to go see her. She has been suffering from some dementia and physical problems, causing her to fall. I talked with her and, while in the room, also visited with her roomate, Mary. She was a funny lady, who had been there 5 months. You never know how many visitors people in care homes get, so I made sure Mary had someone to vent to. I told them next time I want to bring my dog, Bella, to visit them, too." -- Liz

(35) "Just donated to the JL of Detroit." -- Layne

(36) "In honor of your birthday today Alex and I volunteered to host a coffee hour/breakfast at our church. Thank you for inspiring everyone to do such great acts of kindness & happy birthday!!! " --Rachel

(37) My aunt delivered sweets to the medical staff at the hospital where my uncle was getting treatment. The bowl of chocolates was gone within hours. My uncle received excellent care.

I cannot calculate the boomerang effect of all these kindnesses, but I'd like to think that they trickle down to us in the nice people who let us in on the highway, who pick up the trash on our street, and who compliment us on a day when we feel rotten.

With these kinds of friends, these kind friends, bring on the years. I can't wait to fly into this next decade. I live in a better world because of them.

Cheers,
Super Spinster

Are you an "ideal woman"?

2018-07-15T20:30:00.000-04:00

Dear friends,

Dating websites, blind dates, parties, studies abroad, professional meet ups, sports bars, and 5ks--I've tried them all, but I cannot crack today's ideal womanhood. Getting a guy nowadays is a hunt, and if you don't have the right gear, you're more likely to be shot by your fellow huntresses than hit the prized game. These women work hard to be the perfect bait for the perfect guy, and competing with them is a full-time job. With all of this pressure, I have to wonder, do I fit the requirements of an “ideal” woman?

Back in 1813, Jane Austen mockingly summarized what her society deemed the "accomplished lady", i.e. the well-equipped maiden on the hunt for a husband. In Pride and Prejudice, Austen paints her society's conception of the "accomplished" woman:

A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, all the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half deserved.

Jennifer Ehle as Elizabeth Bennett in BBC's Pride and Prejudice (1995)

Elizabeth Bennett, the novel’s heroine, lacks half of these characteristics. Her family could not afford a governess to teach her all the tricks, but she bags the wealthy, brave, and kind Mr. Darcy by being herself and refusing to settle for less than she deserved.

A few sips of the teacup later and we are in 2018 with new rules but the same marriage dance. For women, marriage still is the ultimate social triumph. So, what makes today's “accomplished” woman? I compiled a list based on thirty years of living in white, middle-class North America and thanks to a few forays out of it for greater perspective.

Today's "Ideal Womanhood"

(1) The Ideal Woman is heterosexual with lesbian escapades from college that she swears resulted from too many mixed drinks during sorority rush week.

(2) She is between eighteen and thirty-five years old.

(3) She has a high-school certificate and some kind of degree. She will need that to get a job to pay for all the things the TV tells her she needs.

(4) She is HOT but not enough to think she can leave. Gentle yoga and Pilates are acceptable forms of exercise.

(5) She likes traveling, hiking, and sports. She has traveled to Mexican resorts, London, Paris, or New York because that is what girls do (Gossip Girl, Sex in the City, Gilmore Girls, see Netflix). She likes “hiking” in her Lululemon and likes whatever sports her man likes.

(6) She works as a teacher, nurse, social worker, or other nurturing profession.

(7) She likes to “Netflix and chill”. If you don’t know what this means, it is ten minutes of whatever Netflix show he wants with snacks then sex.

(8) She cooks, cleans, gardens, shops, and loves it.

(9) She has pinned her whole wedding on Pinterest, takes selfies like a pro, and has girls' nights with a lot of white wine and minimal food.

(10) She has between two and five sexual partners in her life. Too many partners and she is a “slut”. Too few and there is something wrong with her. (This is grossly unfair.)

If you share some of these qualities, and I like some of these things, too (London and Paris! Gossip Girl), cheers to you! If not, you are in good company:

The Super Spinster Takes on Modern "Hotness"

(1) I am heterosexual. I have no lesbian escapades. I just have awesome lesbian friends.

Me, Super Spinster

(2) I am thirty and childless. Tick tock!

(3) I went to law school and left without a husband.

(4) I am fit but not pretty when exercising.

(5) When I travel, I ring around Iceland for a week (Courting Iceland: Ring Road or Engagement Ring?), pub crawl across Ireland (Spinsters Take the Emerald Isle!), or plan a foodie-trip to Mexico City. I hike through mud with pleasure and care little for watching sports.

Witchy Lawyer Lady

(6) I am a collections attorney specializing in creditor's rights, which is as far from "nurturing" as you can get.

(7) I do not pay $10.99 per month for crushed snacks in my couch cushions and weak attempts at romance while Netflix's Stranger Things is on.

(8) I am a domestic goddess because I like taking care of things.

(9) I have not planned my wedding, and when I and my friends hang out, we drink red wine and EAT.

Me and Artie

(10) As for romance, he ain't getting anything until I see his medical records, criminal background, credit score, three recommendations from close friends, a confession of true love upon thoughtful reflection, and my entire family's and communities' approval, collie dogs included.

Clearly, I am an “unaccomplished” woman, which may explain my spinster status, but who makes these rules? Well, we do. We do when we demand these things from other women, from the men in our lives, and from ourselves. If we were boldly who we are, it would be easier for the right people (loving, amazing people) to see us. Loving ourselves is the foundation for love in our lives, and we cannot have this if we live by imitation alone. Although it would be nice to speak multiple languages or take selfies like a pro, we should not do what is unnatural to us. To find the best kind of life, here is the only rule you need:

Is this unreasonable? Just kidding...Sorry, guys.

Being who you are, in whatever fascinating form that takes today, is accomplishment enough.

Cheers,
The Super Spinster

Video of Iceland's Ring Road

2018-07-06T10:17:00.002-04:00

Dear friends,

If you enjoyed the post about my adventures on Iceland's Ring Road (Courting Iceland: Ring Road or Engagement Ring?), you may enjoy this video of our trip. Iceland's Ring Road Alison filmed it with her GoPro Camera.

Cheers,
The Super Spinster

Galactic Librarians, Dragon Safaris, & Civil War Zombie Apocalypse---Great Spinster Summer Reads

2018-07-05T14:46:00.001-04:00

Dear friends,

Does your beach read list need a supplement of super spinster? Are you tired of books where a woman's only purpose is romance, taking care of other people, or recovering from lost love? Our goals as females are not just to love and nurture. The way our books would have it, we "eat", "pray", and "love" across the world only when love has betrayed us, not just because we want to, or we seek new "adventure" because the last "adventure" (loser ex-partner) dumped us. What happened to stories of women who take care of business and don't need to be in love to be complete? When I pick up an adventure novel or a mystery, I expect the woman to handle the problem. Nancy Drew and Miss Marple always did. But, more and more, I find my toes curling in anger around the beach sand when, at the climax of a novel, the woman turns fearfully to the man and says, "Oh, no! Now what do we do?"

How many people do you know who, in crisis, look for the nearest man to fix it? Not many, I'll bet. You look for the lady with the purse full of the tools that could solve the problem--phone, food, bandaids, pepper spray, etc. What do we teach children to do when something goes wrong? Go find another mom. In my experience, women look at the problem and just handle it, and you'd better get out of the way while they're at it. (Reese Witherspoon's video on this concept summarizes this societal, mostly Hollywood issue. Check it out here: "What do we do now?" Reese Witherspoon's Fiery Speech)

In the spirit of powerful literary spinsterhood, I asked my friend, the Ace Bookworm, to review three adventure stories with heroines who enjoy a bit of romance but do not allow it to distract from their greater goals--protecting an intergalactic library, researching dragons, and killing zombies in post-Civil War America. Now that's more like it.

The Invisible Library by Genevieve Cogman

In The Invisible Library, we meet librarian Irene just as she's finishing up a job for The Library, an organization that exists outside of worlds and collects literary works (mostly fiction) from any and every world in the multiverse.

After completing a dangerous mission and ready for some well-earned time off, Irene reports the success of her mission to her superior, but unfortunately, her boss has another job for her right away. This one is very important though Irene isn't told why. She is also assigned an apprentice, Kai, who isn't all he seems.

Their search for the book throws them into the center of the politics of the world they're visiting, including secret societies, vampire murder, and fae/human conflict. And when Irene receives a message that the mysterious rogue librarian Alberich may be after the same book she is, she wonders just what she's gotten herself into.

Irene is dedicated wholeheartedly to her job and is not one to slack off. Spinsters may find themselves commiserating with her annoyance at being propositioned by several men during the first two books in the series right in middle of very important missions. Irene is very matter of fact about her stance that while she isn't opposed to a dalliance with an attractive man (and in fact finds herself attracted and considering it), her work comes first, especially when lives may be at stake.

The Memoirs of Lady Trent by Marie Brennan

The Memoirs of Lady Trent is a five-book fictional autobiography series following the life and research of Lady Isabella Trent though (spoiler alert) she doesn't take the title of Lady Trent until near the end of the series.

Isabella, born in Scirland (a fictional approximation of Victorian England), tells the story of her life through five volumes, each dedicated to a particular research mission turned adventure. From her childhood catching small, insect-like dragons in jars to her grand adventures to the mountains, desserts, and seas of the world, Isabella brings readers along for her greatest scientific discoveries.

While Isabella marries not once but twice, through the series, she is a “spinster” (independent-minded woman) through and through. She is not the type to play second fiddle to anyone, especially not a partner. Romance is welcome but not necessary in her life. Her true driving passion is the study of dragons. Even her first marriage, which is partially facilitated by her father (who understands Isabella's character best of all her family), is a marriage of peers as much as is possible in the Victorian time she lives in.

In her research career, Isabella is met with several challenges due to her gender, which she faces down fearlessly. One constant is the challenge of traveling and joining expeditions as a woman. Isabella musters support from several men in her life who use their privilege to enable her to continue her work. This, combined with her stubbornness and dedication to her field of study, enables her to go places that she may not otherwise have had access to.

In the second book, we meet Natalie Orscott who is a spinster in her own right. Natalie follows in Isabella's footsteps into the realm of the sciences. Natalie shows up occasionally through the other books, always unmarried, and at one point expresses her disinterest in companionship altogether (members of the LGBTQ community will enjoy this little bit of Aro/Ace representation).

As a whole, The Memoirs of Lady Trent is a great series that any spinster with a secret (or not so secret) love of dragons would enjoy.

Dread Nation by Justina Ireland

Dread Nation takes two great YA trends and combines them into something both fun and thought provoking. Not only is it a historic retelling of post-Civil War America from the perspective of a young woman of color, but it also includes zombies.

The concept is simple. The Civil War was derailed when the dead started to rise from the battlefields. In post-war and post-rising America, only a few cities on the East coast are safe. Guards and patrols are everywhere. These patrols are manned largely by Native and African Americans who are trained at special schools in the art of killing the dead.

Jane McKeene is a student at one of those schools, and she hates it. She just wants to finish school and return home to Kentucky where her mother, a wealthy white woman, is hopefully waiting. But when a friend asks for help investigating families who have gone missing in Baltimore County, Jane gets caught up in a conspiracy that not only derails her education but also puts her life in danger.

Jane is a spinster part by choice and part by necessity. She has very little interest in pursuing romance with anyone in or around Boston. She just wants to get back home. But at the same time, she doesn't have time for romance. Who would when the dead are walking and your city is one of the few on the continent that is still safe?

Matilda from Roald Dahl's book by her name.

For more book reviews by The Ace Bookworm, click here: The Ace Bookworm.

Cheers,

The Super Spinster

Courting Iceland: Ring Road or Engagement Ring?

2018-06-18T14:42:00.000-04:00

Selfoss with rainbow in Northern Iceland

Dear friends,

If you like it then you should have put a ring on it. If you don't like it, hit the Ring Road. Who needs a single-set diamond ring when you can spin around a whole country? Waving my bare left hand at the Icelandic Highlands on my way along Iceland's Ring Road, I saluted the path ahead and the opportunities to come.

Time is short, and my patience for dating is shorter. This past year, I could have (1) saved money for a week-long road trip around Iceland or (2) dated online and lurked in bars looking for love. I could not afford both. Dating sites cost around $150.00 for six months of limited choices. Then there are the dates. I prefer splitting the bill, so I cough up a lot of money for what? Waiting at the bar while he runs late, hearing about his sexual frustrations with his ex-girlfriend, and watching him check his phone under the table for something better. “So, when do I get to see your place?” he says. “Never,” I reply. “I’m going to Iceland. I’d rather leap into a glacial lake than into anything with you.”

I put one finger into this glacial lake. It counts as swimming.

This May, I traveled to Iceland with Alison to spin around the Ring Road for a week. (You may remember Alison from Spinster Spotlight: Living Sola in Detroit.)

We rented a camper van that looked like Scooby Doo’s The Mystery Machine. We christened her “Helga”. Helga was a trusty steed with a bumpy start. I learned one does not drive Helga with the parking brake on, and Helga protested by flashing her check-engine light. For one week, she was part transport, part café/bar, and part hotel. With Helga, we traveled on our time and camped anywhere--beneath waterfalls, beside the sea, and at the bottom of mountains.

Helga, our Go Camper

Before embarking to Iceland, know three things. (1) Americans are everywhere, and the Icelanders are in the countryside. (2) Icelandic food is delicious, but beware pony meat. (3) The beer is watery, but the Brennivin is just fine. Jump in!

We met more Americans in Iceland than Icelanders! They were mostly friendly Midwesterners field tripping out of Reykjavik or cruising the Ring Road with us. Some drove rental cars and stayed in hotels. Others camped in vans like ours. The toughest pitched tents or rode pack-ladened bikes up and down the hills (bad assess). Everyone sought the perfect picture in Iceland’s stunning landscape. One adventurous couple even climbed a cliff to take their wedding photos! From the dry safety of Helga, Alison and I watched the bride don her wedding gown and cleats and climb one-hundred-or-so feet in the rain to stand beneath a waterfall with her groom. Although the bride’s actions were admirable, being a spinster seemed easier and safer. On the other side of romance, and a few hundred miles north, we met a friendly divorcee named Becca. Young and recently divorced, Becca was a scientist from Washington DC and had left her cats behind to tour the Ring Road alone. She made divorce look good. Happy, single again, and on an adventure, she was good fun. We shared stories over langoustine sandwiches in a little marina restaurant on Iceland’s southeastern coast.

Breakfast in Snaftafell Park. I cooked sandwiches.

Speaking of sandwiches, watch your meat. Alison, a dedicated vegetarian, was smitten by the Icelandic livestock, especially the spring lambs. We took many photos of these critters until I could not bear it anymore. I simply had to eat one of them. To Alison’s horror, I gobbled a bowl of lamb stew with a side of bread, butter, and cake. It made me a better person. There are plenty of lambs to spare! Horses, too. Icelandic horses are pure bred descendants of the hardy, small horses the Vikings brought on their ships a millenium before. There were thousands of them across Iceland, more than tourists could ride, more than farmers could sustain for pleasure alone. My inner carnivore knew the answer but couldn’t accept it. The Icelanders could only be…

Icelandic horse

…eating the ponies. I asked two Icelanders to tell me straight—what do ya’ll do with the ponies? “Uhhhhh….well, we ride them…and raise them…and breed them and…that’s it.” Lies! I was enlightened by some fellow travelers in the airport who had dined on pony that week. Icelanders eat the little guys, and they’re the better for it. The average lifespan of an Icelander is 82.86 years compared to the U.S.’s 78.74 (Source: World Bank 2015). Could Americans live an extra four years by eating horse alone?

No, but we can learn much from Icelanders.

Safety first! This sign was for the tourists, not the Icelanders.

(1) Eat real food. Not fast food. Not food that’s low fat or low sugar or low calorie. Just eat the real butter, milk, fish, sugar, and horse. The preservatives in fake food are making us huge and unhealthy, and the real stuff tastes better.

(2) Eat fish. Go catch it, then eat it.

(3) Move. Icelanders walk, bike, and hike into old age. This keeps them svelt and quick witted.

(4) Swim. Icelanders sit in hot tubs and swimming in pools heated by the island’s thermal energy. They sweat out toxins, top up with Brennivin (a liquorice-tasting liquor), and repeat.

(5) Know your neighbors. Icelandic weather can be harsh, so Icelanders long relied on their neighbors to survive. Now, they have tight-knit communities. You can be alone in Iceland, but it’s hard to feel lonely.

Grjotagja Cave (featured in Game of Thrones). It's a thermal pool a little too hot for swimming.

The Ring Road was the place to practice Icelandic living. Alison and I swam in thermal pools, shaking off jet lag and muscle soreness. We hiked over tawny hills, tussocky fields, black-sand beaches, and around glacial lakes. We ate fish caught fresh with sweet potato fries and fresh bread. We spelunked into a thermal cave that had no guard rails or warning signs. We beheld football-stadium-sized craters caused by magma bubbles that popped. And we watched reindeer roam freely.

Alison kept us moving along Iceland's alien landscape.

We also drank watery beer. The alcohol percentage of Icelandic beer hovers around 2.25%, far below the standard 4–5%. Good for hydrating, bad for getting drunk. Upon arriving in Keflavik airport, we hit the Duty-Free Store and stocked up on actual alcohol at a discount. Alcohol is expensive in Iceland, so don’t miss the opportunity upon arriving.

I love Icelandic shrubbery. These are lupines about to bloom in Reykjavik.

After all the nature and hydration the Ring Road provided, we returned to Detroit refreshed, wiser, and ready for more. Alison flew to New York City for a music festival. I drove to a conference in northern Michigan and started planning my next trip. Traveling makes me better. It helps me fall in love with the world a little more. Other activities a woman of my age is expected to do, like online dating and lurking in bars, do not. They make me feel like less, and I'm worth more.

Lambies! Delicious...

So, put a ring on it or hit Iceland’s Ring Road? The choice is easy. It’s time to feel like more--engaged to life and in love with the world. Whether recently divorced, ready to marry an adventurous sweetheart, or simply, joyfully single, Iceland's roads hold the escape and natural adventure we need. It's only a plane ticket and a stop by the Duty Free away. Just remember to take Helga's parking brake off first.

Cheers,

The Super Spinster

Alison and I at Jokulsarlon glacial lake. That is a glacier behind us.

Wedding Season Survival Guide

2018-05-20T09:46:00.000-04:00

Dear friends,

It is upon us. Wedding season. The photos have begun in earnest. There are the engagement photos, the dress shopping for bride, bridesmaid, and mothers, the bridal shower or showers, the bachelorette party, the bachelor party, then the wedding followed by the honeymoon photos and the one-month anniversary photos….does it ever end? With the recent wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, we are inundated with images of fairy tale nuptials and wedded bliss. A wedding isn't just a day; it's a season of hype leading to a moment when two people vow to love each other forever and, with luck and hard work, sometimes manage to. As soon as one season passes, another begins, and the best we can do is adjust to this cultural obsession.

When I say adjust, I don’t mean go find a fiancé and marry him just because everyone else is. We both know that is happening at an alarming rate. By adjust, I mean embrace the fun, romance, and comical irony of these seasons. Some of these marrying couples love each other, and it should be great fun to celebrate with them.

Survive wedding season with the following 8 tips:

(1) Overcome the “+1”

Most wedding invitations include a “+1”, usually for a romantic partner. I say forget that rule. New rules: “+1” means bring that cool person with whom you would have a fabulous time. OR You don’t need a +1 to have fun. At the past two wedding I have attended, I have not brought an extra person and have had a heck of a time. When I have brought a guest, it is my sister/best friend. We rock the party and love confusing people with our similar faces in differing hair colors (my sister is blonde; I am brunette). The comments we get are great, too. “How cute! You brought your sister. No boyfriend for either of you?” My polite response: “No. The best guy around just got married. Don't they look happy?” Or, my favorite, “You’re a catch! Why aren’t you married yet?” My response: “Just lucky I guess.”

(2) Wear What Suits

Appropriate dress for a wedding shows respect for the couple, but obsessing over your outfit is absurd. We don’t care if you wore that suit and tie in the last wedding photos. We don’t care if that dress is the one you wore to your cousin’s nuptials last spring. We don’t care. Wear what is respectful and makes you happy. I have worn the same dress to multiple weddings because it is comfortable, I can dance it, and it makes me look great. I have no problem looking fabulous and happy again and again in wedding photos. However, if you must wear something different, don’t buy a new dress; consider www.renttherunway.com and rent a new ensemble for less.

(3) Just Say “No”

Just because the bride or groom asks you to be in the wedding party or to attend their destination wedding in New Zealand doesn’t mean you are a bad person for saying “no”. Being in a wedding party or traveling across the world is expensive and time-consuming. If you cannot afford the expense or time, be honest. Just promise to help where you can, be a great guest at the wedding, or celebrate with them when they return from Bora Bora.

(4) Filter Out the Photos

Wedding season photos can become obnoxious. They are all posed, and everyone looks absurdly happy. If the rhinestones blind you, turn off the photos on your social media. Yes, you care about these people and want them to be happy, but if it is driving you crazy, stop. I am a happy single woman, but even I feel sad seeing all of the photos of the happily hitched. I start torturing myself with, “Why do they have all the luck? When will it be my turn? Is there something wrong with me? Is it because I am an attorney? Too outspoken? Am I too tall? Am I single because I write a crazy blog about spinsters?? What is wrong with me??!!” Nothing. These feelings are part of the wedding fever disease. Medicate immediately by turning off the photos, find your single friends, and go have fun at once. It will pass as long as you take care of yourself and remember that just because everyone’s photos are perfect doesn’t mean their lives are perfect. We all have difficulties and getting married isn’t easy. We use photo filters not just too hide visible imperfections; we use photos to hide our troubles, too.

(5) Make Party Friends

You may attend a wedding that is full of friends and family. Great! It’s an opportunity to reconnect with those you love already. In April, I attended my cousin’s wedding and loved visiting with my family and meeting their friends. We were all dressed up, eating well, and celebrating two people, my cousin and his new wife, who love each other. What could be better?

If you attend a wedding where you know few people, make friends this way. It is easier to meet people in a line, so visit the drinks or food tables. A good opener is commenting (kindly) on someone’s outfit or your environment, introducing yourself, and conversing from there. This works for men or women. Gentlemen, it is nice to compliment a lady on her dress as long as it is respectful. Comments on accessories, shoes, or outfit color are safe. Easy conversation topics are the wedding ceremony you just saw, where you met the married couple, and the location of the party. With luck, you may meet some awesome people and even hit the dance floor!

(6) Hitting the Dance Floor

I like to dance, and I don’t wait for someone to invite me out there. I don’t need to be drunk to dance (no matter what people think), and I don’t care how I look. I have a great time, and the married couple usually are happy someone is enjoying the DJ or band they paid for. At my cousin’s wedding in November, I had a hoot with the bride and the bridesmaids, my cousins, and the other brave souls who danced the night away. What a workout! I burned off all the cake calories in no time! For slow dances, I gave my feet a much-needed break and enjoyed watching the happy couples have their moments.

(7) Catching the Bouquet

Ladies, the bride may want to throw the bouquet as a blessing to her single friends, and if you want that flowery concoction, prepare like this: Shoes off. Dead center behind the bride. Give it a few feet so she can throw it. Elbows out. Focus, and reach! My cousin’s wedding in November had some eager single ladies lining up for the bouquet. I care little about these things (I thought), but I participate to please the bride. My sister was in the fray, too, and a photo of us at the prime moment reveals a lot. Someone caught a photo as the bouquet flew through the air, and there I am, face alight, looking up at the bouquet (that I didn’t catch) with a huge smile. Behind us is my sister, wine glass still in hand, grimacing and ducking the fatal flowers. That about sums us up. I am the hopeless romantic pretending not to be. She will protect her drink and face from projectiles no matter the occasion.

(8) Waving the Wedded Couple Goodbye

Wish them well as they go. Whether you enjoyed the wedding or not, here are two people who just vowed to love each other forever. Be happy for them. Be happy for the other engaged and married couples in your life. Support those who split. Be happy for yourself and the blessings you already have. Wine helps.

*BONUS TIP*

(9) Throw your Own Party!

Longing for a party of your own but not tying the knot? Who cares?! Throw a party to celebrate something you love. I had a party at my house celebrating the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. I bought British-themed party favors, baked scones and a cake, made tea, and invited my friends and family over to watch the wedding reruns, drink, and make merry. I dressed up, put my pearls on, and received the flowers, wine, and food my generous guests brought. With my love for England, the royal family, and romance, it was the perfect wedding season party for me, and I had a great time. Your themed party can be anything from a costume party to a Game-of-Thrones-watch party to a barbecue. Celebrate the way you like, and share the love with those you care about.

Last words: Weddings can be stressful, but they are an opportunity to connect, celebrate, and love each other, including ourselves. Parties allow us to meet new people and catch up with those we missed. We eat well, drink merrily, and dance. I love my family and friends and enjoy the time with them. I love connecting with and learning about others. Although I worry about some couples who perhaps have chosen poorly, I respect the risk they are taking and wish them well. And when wedding season gets me down, I take a break from the photos and practice self- care, like riding my bike down hills really fast, digging into the garden, or planning a trip across the ocean. I take that negative energy and channel it into caring for myself, helping others, and loving the ones I’m with. It works well for me, and I have enjoyed every wedding attended thus far. Bring on the invitations!

May this wedding season be full of blessings for the engaged, the married, and all the guests ready to celebrate happy couples betting on love and each other. I am rooting for you!

Cheers!

The Super Spinster

I Gave Up Anxiety for Lent

2018-04-02T16:57:00.002-04:00

Dear friends,

Phones ring, files breed across my desk, and my collie dog frightens a new colleague away from the door on her first day at the office. (Don’t worry. She came back.) These small dramas are nothing compared to the bigger dramas in my life, but I smile serenely because I gave up anxiety for Lent.

I live with Anxiety. Capital “A” anxiety. I worry about everything. What if a plane crashed onto the street outside my house? What if the chemicals in this creamy peanut butter give me cancer? What if I never find my soulmate? Could I get a sperm donor? What if my sperm donor is a psychopath? If I don't recycle this plastic bag, will an animal eat it and die? Would I look better blonde? Is North Korea poised to push the button and nuke us? Have I lived enough to die today?

No, I had not lived enough because every moment spent worrying was a moment not lived. I missed the taste of the peanut butter, flaked on dating, and disregarded the healthy relationships around me. I was missing things and focusing on exhausting improbabilities.

I have had Anxiety my whole life. As a girl, I would get so excited and worried about family vacations that I would vomit the night before and prompt my parents to cancel because they thought I was sick. High school was a blur of attempted perfection—captain of three teams, valedictorian, band geek, too tired to address the problem of feeling like I didn’t belong. In college, when my grandmother was dying from cancer and Parkinson's, I would run and run and run around campus and feel too full of anxious acid to eat the calories I needed. I got too thin. At Oxford, I agonized over my intellectual inadequacy and strained myself into strep throat. Now, I am a young attorney in a family business, everyone is getting married and having children like the world is about to end, and I can’t eat my favorite foods because my acid reflux makes them unappetizing.

But there’s hope. At the beginning of Lent this year, I’d had enough. Anxiety had ruled my life for too long. I may never find my soulmate, and Kim Jong-un may kill us all, but I would not be controlled by fear any more.

At first, it was easy. Whenever I started wandering along the worry trails, I yelled “Halt!” and switched to something pleasant. I forged new mental paths. Look at all the Hart of Dixie episodes I have left! Purple spring crocuses are popping through the ivy! Book club meets next week at the steakhouse! I swam two miles in the pool in the fast lane! Every time the anxiety started to choke me, I breathed deeply until my heart was so full of oxygen that it had no choice but to relax. “Calm the f*** down,” I said. “God has it handled.”

Lent has passed, and I wish I could say I float serenely through the storm. God has challenged me anew with some personal drama. Someone dear to me may be ill and need treatment, and I am unsure of the future. I study law, not medicine, and I fret about what I don't know. Even the calmest individual could not escape fear in this situation, but I wonder if God wanted me to give up Anxiety this Lent because trouble was on the horizon. I could have given up many things, but He encouraged me to release the thing that would torture me the most. Clearly, there's a plan I have yet to understand.

Work won’t let up, and neither will life, yet I am better armed against it. In overcoming Anxiety, I pray for three things. I pray for Wisdom to find the right path, Courage to step onto it, and Strength to carry me through. Tomorrow has its own challenges, but for today my collie dog and the new colleague are friends, my files are handled, and God takes care of the rest.

If you suffer from Anxiety, here are a few suggestions for managing it:

Pet a friendly animal. It lowers blood pressure.

Exercise. It releases endorphins (happy chemicals), pounds out anger and fear, and keeps you fit enough to handle the stress.

Talk to a good listener. If you don’t have someone to talk to, God listens and answers in interesting ways (story on that for another time).

Go outside. Plants, especially trees, release calming chemicals. In Japan, people call it “Forest Bathing” and do it regularly. http://www.shinrin-yoku.org/shinrin-yoku.html

Stop judging yourself. If you need to eat ice cream and watch a dumb TV show, do it. Sin a little to release some steam in the pressure cooker.

Never think you are alone. Consult your doctor if you suffer from serious symptoms. I have been there, and there is no shame in it. Visit here for more information: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/index.shtml.

Cheers,
Super Spinster

Courtesy Lives

2018-03-04T16:12:00.000-05:00

Dear friends,

Being a spinster has advantages, like the time to observe how incredibly rude and remarkably kind we can be to each other. I sit comfortably alone at bars and in coffee shops, and while others talk and scroll through screens, I mourn our all-too-common inhumanity and celebrate the rare courtesies amidst the muck.

For example, in one hour in a café, I observed nearly everyone open the door solely for himself, greet no one in line, text while ordering, leave milk dribbles on the counter, and hoard tables with bags and computers while lost in headphones. An elderly couple sat in a corner holding hands having needed each other’s help to move from counter to table. They had a large shopping bag at their feet and seemed bemused by everyone sitting or standing engrossed in their own worlds.

Disgusted by all this, I went to the counter for a refill to go. Grimacing and ready to flee, I ordered and reached for my purse when a man behind me signaled the barista with his card and said, “Hers is on me.” Before I could refuse, he had paid for my drink and handed it to me. I winced and thought, “Ugh, please don’t hit on me. I am not in the mood.” After all the rudeness I had observed, I was too jaded to believe someone would be nice. But he handed me the drink, wished me a good day with a smile, and left. His kindness had required nothing, and I was shaken and ashamed that my first response had been selfish and negative.

Human that I am, my first thoughts each day are for myself: “What’s for breakfast? Do I need to pee badly enough to get out of bed? Do I have to wear a suit today?” The first two are selfish, but the third is less so. I am an attorney, and court appearances require formal attire. When I contort myself into tights (who can eat in these things???), a pencil skirt, and heels, and when I arrive on time and treat everyone from the judge to the file clerk with respect, I project to others that I care. That is the core of courtesy. I care about you, I care about me, I care about what I do today.

As individuals, we are, naturally, our first priority. But, choosing to think of others first is thinking of ourselves, too. I have been dead tired, standing on a bus on a hot summer day longing for a seat only to surrender it to an ungrateful, entitled old lady. My courtesy meant little to her; she expects it. But I don’t. Common kindness has nearly gasped its last in our society, so it brings me joy to resuscitate it, and when I receive it from others, I can hardly believe my luck. Treating others with respect is how I, in turn, respect myself.

After the gentleman at the café waved goodbye, I bought the coffee for the lady in line behind me. She seemed too surprised to say anything and looked around like I had performed a small miracle. I collected my things with a smile and walked out. Before I reached my car, I turned and saw her through the café window. She had set aside her drink to grab the door for the old couple with the big shopping bag that had been sitting together in the corner. They held hands tightly so as not to fall, and the lady for whom I had bought the coffee carried their bag to their car. They smiled, thanked her, and drove away. As she walked back into the café, she saw me watching and waved with a grin. I waved back.

We went about our days after that, the kind gentleman, the old couple, the nice lady, and me. I cannot speak for the others, but my common cares seemed lightened by those uncommon kindnesses. Courtesy had cost me a cup of coffee but had given me invaluable results. I could feel it breathing again and sighing with relief.

Most of us care about good manners but have forgotten to practice them. It does not mean we are selfish or bad. We are just struggling to create the kind of atmosphere in which happiness breathes. Thankfully, our habits can be changed in many small, easy ways. See if you already follow these common courtesies:

· Make your bed. Watch U.S. Admiral William McRaven’s commencement speech about how learning to do the little things right helps you accomplish the big things, like becoming a Navy Seal. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sK3wJAxGfs

· Greet people. Don’t walk by with a grimace or weak smile. That person is just as important as you are even if she’s miserable and she sucks. You never know; maybe she was waiting for you to reach out. Or maybe she just sucks. Be nice anyway.

· Only ask “How are you?” if you care. Don’t just say it and walk away. Look the person in the eye, and wait for a response. You may be surprised how much people appreciate this. If you don’t care how they are, “Hello” with a smile will do.

· Open doors and give up seats for the elderly, pregnant, and obviously stressed out. These people are on the struggle bus, so help them off it. Make the offer twice. The first time, they may refuse out of politeness. Offer once more. If they still refuse, smile and move on. There is no gendered rule about this. I open doors for men, and they open doors for me. Who cares.

· Please, Thank You, Excuse Me, You’re Welcome. It’s the little courtesies that make the big impression. Do this for everyone—your mom, the toll-booth guy, the waitress, your coworkers, etc. Your courtesy will be remembered.

· Leave a tip. Unless the service was awful, tip your waiter at least 15%. Waiting tables is hard work, and the waiters often receive less than minimum wage and must share tips with the kitchen staff. If you don’t follow this advice, I suggest you inspect your soup before eating it.

· Bring the host a gift. If someone invites you to a party,

o (1) ask if you can bring something (salad, dessert, wine?),

o (2) arrive on time and dressed nicely,

o (3) ask if you should leave your shoes on or take them off,

o (4) offer to help the host serve or clean up,

o (5) leave the bathroom tidy (I shouldn’t have to say this.),

o (6) say “thank you” before leaving and compliment the host on the party.

· When you receive a gift, send a thank you. Too often, I have brought a gift to a party and not received a thank-you note/email/text. This is not an old-fashioned courtesy. It’s gratitude and likely to bring future gifts.

· Shovel your elderly neighbor’s driveway. Unless you want the excitement of seeing them lying on the snowy driveway because of a heart attack, calling 911, and explaining to their grieving families why they were shoveling snow while you were next door, just get out there and do it. If you, dear reader, are one of the elderly, it’s not that you can’t do it, it’s just that we prefer you don’t.

· Be on time. This means being no more than ten minutes early or ten minutes late. If you cannot be on time, call. We all have things to do, so please do not make people wait or wonder.

· Slob not. Looking nice, keeping your desk, car, house, apartment, or yard clean shows others you care about what they have to look at and care about yourself. What you do in private is up to you.

· If others are discourteous, forgive and be kind anyway. But don’t forget. How others treat you is a clue to how they think of you. If they cannot be bothered to be courteous, they may not treat themselves well either. That should arouse your compassion, but it does not mean you must trust or move mountains for them. Perhaps they will realize that when they are kinder to you it reaps better results for them.

I would love to hear your stories about common and uncommon courtesy. Please share in the comments below.

Cheers,

Super Spinster

Valentine’s Day Dates—Table for One, Please

2018-02-09T08:47:00.000-05:00

Dear friends,

Of the nearly thirty Valentine’s Days of my life, I have spent only two with a romantic partner. One in college and one in England and neither were, well, all that great.

My first “romantic” V-Day was with my college boyfriend, Ben. We (he) went kite sailing in a snowy field while I froze. We (he) played with his homemade wine-making contraption in his basement, then we (he) made dinner, and we watched Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman romance each other in Casablanca. Our date could not compete.

A couple of weeks later, I learned that the University of Oxford had accepted me into their Master of Studies Program in English Literature. Elated by this news, I called Ben right away. Ben, not elated that I would be going away, broke up with me. Thus ended that relationship, and I went to Oxford to live my dreams.

My second Valentine’s Day was in Oxford with my then-boyfriend… Ben. (I had a problem with Bens for a while). Ben was English, older, clever, and mysterious. For Valentine’s Day, I went to an academic lecture alone, then he picked me up on his bike. He brought flowers, which was nice, but then we returned to his house where we (he) cooked and we did . . . absolutely nothing. I can hardly remember the day because I sensed he was not happy. I was right. A few days later, he broke up with me only after giving me his strep throat virus. Thus ended that relationship, which I contemplated alone, on my back, in a foreign country.

Thankfully, I recovered and had a lovely relationship with an Australian mathematician named James, a story I will relate another time.

Since those two Valentine’s Days, I have been mostly single on February 14. Some years, I go out with friends for Galentine’s Day; others I spend at home. The sadness and loneliness that should drive me into the chocolate box never does. Maybe because those other Valentine’s Days were so poor I never regret not having a date for the day. Rather, I celebrate all of the other people in my life.

On V day, I dress in red or pink. I bring candy and goodies to my classmates or colleagues. I mail valentines to my friends and family. I cook pasta, drink wine, and watch Pride & Prejudice or The Holiday, and I don’t cry or moan. When the time is right, I will find my forever date who will treat me far better than those“has BENs” of before.

Meanwhile, I am, and you are, dear Readers, too important to be messed with, cheated on, or lied to for the sake of a Valentine’s Day date. Think about the “Bens” in your life, Bens like mine, and think about how you can rid yourself of them.* You have BEN there and DONE that. Your love is too valuable to waste.

If you find yourself alone on Valentine’s Day, and if it saddens you, start planning your date for one. How you treat yourself is a model for how others should treat you. Dress nicely for Valentine’s Day; a stylish outfit will portray confidence and self-respect, a perception that may wear off on you, too. Buy yourself candy or flowers. Make yourself the perfect lasagna. Drink that bottle of wine. Watch your favorite movie. Dress up and go to a show or a game. Do your favorite hobby or sport. Spend the day taking care of yourself. Don’t spiral into narcissism, but remind yourself that you are important and deserve love.

If self-care isn’t enough, try caring for those already in your life. When I am sad or frightened or angry, helping others shakes me out of my pity party. For example, my friend and mentor at work recently went into the hospital for pneumonia, and I was left with her work load. She has over thirty years of experience at her job. I have only one. I was terrified for her, terrified for my clients, and terrified for myself. I was at home on the weekend receiving calls and texts of bad news, and I didn’t know WHAT to do! So I baked. And baked. And baked. I stress baked into an exhausted state of calm and shared the goodies with my work mates. In doing so, some of the fear lifted, and my workmates were more inclined to help me because they were high on sugar.** It seems love can be found in pumpkin spice bread and dark chocolate brownies.

Fear or sadness may eke their way into your Valentine’s Day, but you can overcome them. Let this day not be about having a romantic partner; insist that it be about love, love for yourself and love for others. Make this day memorable for the kindness and generosity you spread. Whether you reserve a table for one at your favorite restaurant and enjoy the pleasure of your own company, share the day with your mom or your dog or your friends, or hang with your romantic partner, Valentine’s Day is yours to design. Make it about the love that’s already in your life, and see what you can do to make it grow.

Love,

The Super Spinster

*I have a cousin named “Ben” who is a lovely man and treats his girlfriend well. I wouldn’t rid myself of him for anything.

**My friend and mentor has recovered (thank God!), and I have stopped baking and gaining weight.

Mistletoe, Pants, and Toasting the New Year

2017-12-11T17:41:00.000-05:00

Dear friends,

Spinsters, bachelors, and couplers, maintain your sanity and dignity these holidays with the following survival guide. This time of year can be awkward, so don’t venture out unprepared! I hope you enjoy these three common scenarios with uncommon strategies. Let me know of your adventures.

Scenario 1: A colleague, Bob, invites you to his holiday party, and you’re tempted by the promise of drinks and your favorite holiday cookies. But, Bob has a plan that Shelly reveals to you at the water cooler. Bob intends to set you up with his hopeless cousin with the light-up reindeer sweater with the sweaty upper lip. Bob has planted mistletoe above the cookie table and hides guests’ coats in the cellar so they can’t leave swiftly. What do you do?

Strategy A: Don’t go! Turn around! Stay home.

Strategy B: Attend the party. If you have a date, s/he must not leave you! Practice vice grips in the car.

If you’re alone, don’t wear a coat. Wear a warm sweater. If things get weird, you don’t need to find your coat. Just leave.

When the host hands you a strong, debilitating drink, do not drink it until you have located all mistletoe. Once done, plant yourself in a chair. Not a couch. A chair. If you’re sitting, you’re harder to sidle up to. If someone wants to sit nearby, you are, at least, protected by chair arms.

While trapped in the chair, summon Bob’s kid, give him $5.00, and get him to bring you drinks and cookie refills. The kid may also serve as a lookout and scream “God bless us everyone!” when the creepy cousin draws near. If forced to leave your seat by a call of nature, pretend to take an important call from Aunt Elma in the hospital. This conversation also will give you an excuse to leave, “Sorry, Bob. Aunt Elma ran out of cigarettes at the hospital again. I’ve got to get them to her before she strangles the candy striper.” Your altruism will be hard to argue with.

If you find yourself trapped under the mistletoe with the unfortunate cousin, use my favorite romance deterrent. Sneeze! Sneeze hard, then sneeze again while making strange, loud noises. Excuse yourself to get a tissue. The moment having been killed, you may return to your seat and beverage.

When ready to depart, wait until Bob walks by. Stand, grab his arm, and march to the door with intense stare and profuse thanks for the invitation. Don't let him get a word in about you missing a chance to kiss the moist-upper-lipped cousin. Wave goodbye and leave in triumph, sweater pockets full of cookies.

Scenario 2: Your friend invites you to a New Year’s get-together at a local watering hole. You plan to drink heavily to herald in 2018, but you know your friend’s weirdo neighbor with the lawn gnome collection and knitted t-shirts will be there. And she likes you. You also know your ex will be lurking around with his or her hot new piece. You are over your ex but don’t want to deal with that drama. What do you do?

Strategy A: Don’t go. Stay home and sleep.

Strategy B: Plan your party attire. Gentlemen, I imagine you’ll wear trousers, but if not, heed this advice. When I was twelve years old, a well-intentioned family friend counseled me as follows: parties require pants. Ladies, I know the skirts and dresses are cute, but consider the danger. Once you get thoroughly sloshed, you may have to use the bathroom. In cleaning up, your drunk self may forget to pull your skirt down all the way. It may get stuck in your underwear or tights, but you’re too bombed to notice. You won’t realize until your cold butt goes outside at which point you’ll freeze to death anyway because you’re wearing a skirt at midnight in January. Furthermore, unwanted hands easily find ways up skirts and dresses. Enjoy the protection of pants. If you want a hand directly on your butt, oblige the lady or gentleman by taking your pants off. It’s easy and fun and far less embarrassing.

Trousers on tight, you’re ready to party! Intending to get hammered, schedule a ride. You’re too important to get in an accident, and I don’t want your drunken foolishness ruining my new year. Even if you think you won’t drink, have the number of a taxi, Uber, or Lyft. You never know who’ll spike your punch, and you never know who else might need you to call a ride for them.

Speaking of spiking, watch your drink. If you take your eyes off it, get a new one. Gentlemen, this applies to you, too. People get weird on New Year’s Eve, and no pants will protect you from drugging. If you see someone drug a drink, alert the victim and the management immediately. You may save someone’s life.

While drinking your well-watched drink and having fun, the creepy neighbor approaches. Consider these romance-deterring gems: “No, I can’t go out next Friday. I have another meeting with the Mother Superior/Priest to discuss my joining the order. Black is so my color.” “Saturday doesn’t work either. I’m resting my feet before my next 1k race. I’m really hoping the corns go away by then. Have you ever had corns?” Or, my favorite, “Sorry, I’m not interested in dating right now. At least, not until the results come back….”

What about the ex and his or her new thing? Acknowledge them with a smile and a wave. You are the bigger, better person, so don’t ignore, but don’t talk to them if you don’t want to. If they approach, compliment the new girlfriend on her dress (“I saw that dress on clearance at JC Penney! So cute. Only $10.00! You know the skirt is tucked into your tights, right?”) or compliment the new boyfriend’s lumberjack beard (“Your beard reminds me of my new friend, Joe. We get coffee together then feed his pet squirrel, Nutsy, in the park. He lives there. He and Nutsy.”) If asked how you’re doing, say you’re “well”. Don’t elaborate. You don’t have time for these people. Remain a mystery. Appear to see someone you know across the room, smile, then excuse yourself. If you can’t fake finding someone, hide in the bathroom for ten minutes.

As the clock nears midnight, finalize your smooching strategy. Is there someone you want to kiss? Find and isolate him or her at fifteen minutes to. Talk about his or her favorite thing (emotional entrapment), then look surprised when the countdown starts. I guess you’ll just have to kiss or hug when the clock strikes twelve! If you brought a date, make sure my clever readers don’t pull this on your man/woman. No New Year’s date or hopeful? Find a friend and cling to him or her for dear life. If friendless this evening, find one of those whistles and place it firmly in your mouth. Blow hard when the clock strikes. Deafen unwanted suitors, and don’t stop whistling until at least 12:01 A.M., January 1, 2018.

Scenario 3: You don’t have a holiday party to attend. No one invited you for Christmas, Hanukkah, or New Year’s. You’re not one of those people who likes the holidays alone with wine and White Christmas. What do you do?

Strategy for Christmas/Hanukkah: Visit a church or synagogue for Christmas or Hanukkah. Many people who don’t usually attend service come for these holidays, so you won’t stand out. You can enjoy the spectacle: music, decorations, fancy dress, secret flasks escaping purses, and kids dressed like lambs messing up pageant lines. After service, enjoy the free food and drink. If approached about joining the congregation or group, say you’re exploring your options, thank them for their time, and ask who made the amazing matzo ball soup. It’ll start a fight over whose is the best.

Strategy for New Year’s Eve: Start your exercise regime on December 31, 2017, exhaust yourself, then go to bed in endorphin-filled triumph. If this doesn’t appeal, visit a local bar and enjoy people watching. You may see some of the drama I described above, then you can message me with new strategies.

Strategy for Every Day: Whether it’s the holidays or the rest of the year, you are enough. Even if not invited to holiday parties, even if not in love, even if confused about your relationship status or uncertain where you’re going, you are where you are supposed to be. You needn’t be jolly the whole time, but find the fun in the season. Things may get weird or sad, but there’s sweetness in even the hardest fruitcake. Discover it and let 2018 start with hope for better, love for others, and faith that this year will be yours.

Cheers!

The Super Spinster

Is the Meet Cute Dead?—Adventures in Online Dating

2017-11-06T15:07:00.000-05:00

Dear friends,

Recently, I applied to join an exclusive dating website catering to professional men and women seeking serious relationships among local singles. The site is “The League”, and it launches today in Detroit to the lucky few who meet its high standards. The League tailors its users’ matches according to sex, age, height, distance, ethnicity, education, and religion. More than an online dating site, the League caters “live” events where singles meet and fall in love the old-fashioned way, in person. Not only does this site promise catered love, it offers the “meet cute” of our dreams with the convenience of online snooping first.

Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant in Bringing up Baby

In film and TV, a “meet cute” is a scene where a future romantic couple meets and has a life-changing “moment”. While checking her makeup in the mirror, the heroine spots her soul mate in the reflection as other women unsuccessfully vye for his attention[1]; the heroine hits under par on the hero’s golf hole and upends his wedding plans with her athletic charm[2]; two Dalmatians pull their oblivious owners across a London park toward human and canine love.[3] As a concept, the “meet cute” has existed since the 1940s but has been, oh, how nearly everyone has fallen in love until now.

Today, the meet cute is more fairy tale than reality. Online couples often agree to fake a “meet cute” to avoid admitting they met in the digital world. Meeting “cutely” in person is not just antiquated, it's hard. Many people cling to their phones or avoid the risk of in-person refusal while online dating provides hundreds of approachable options and a milder rejection from the safety of physical distance.

Meet Cute from 101 Dalmatians

Still, the hope of a “meet cute” drives men and women to venture into the "real" world. A few weeks ago, I attended a Singles’ Night at the Detroit Institute of Arts and Michigan Science Center in search of that meet-cute moment. The program advertised as a night of love and fun amidst other singles in two fabulous museums. When asked if an equal number of men and women would attend, program coordinators assured people (i.e. the women calling ahead) that many men had purchased tickets and would attend. HA! Dozens of women arrived at the event, beautifully dressed, to the admiration of around fifteen men, five of whom were program coordinators. These numbers are estimates, but the disparity was disheartening. I would say I was shocked, but why lie to you? I am not.

Sample Meet Cute--Man Buys Woman Drink; Man Talks to Woman

Readers, where have all the single men gone? They might not have found Singles’ Night at a couple of museums attractive, but their absence from other locales makes me concerned for their species. Most men found in the wild have that signature ring or accompanying female glaring a "HANDS OFF!", or they are so clustered in a group that they're indistinguishable. If they see an attractive woman, they don’t order her a drink anymore. They don’t go up to her. They're too afraid of flirtation being conceived as harassment or just being foolish and obnoxious. The in-person approach, that brave move many of us remember in the bars and grocery lines of our youths, seems a thing of the past.

Barbara Stanwyck sees Henry Fond for the first time in The Lady Eve

Returning to the League, you can imagine why the site gave me hope with its promise of great options and real-life events. The League promised an array of choices with meet-cute opportunities to boot. So, I completed my profile and selected my preferences.

· Male (important)

Ages 27 to 39 (I am 29 years old.)
Height 5’8” to 7’0” (I am 5’8”.)
Distance no greater than 39 miles (I am not driving to Toledo for a first date.)
Ethnicity: No Preference
Education: Selection (uh, he should have one)
Religion: Catholic or Christian (I am a Christian, so this is important.)

Done! All I had to was await an opening in the group and leap into the playing field. The League even told me I was a great candidate and met all of its requirements.

Advertising for The League

Then, my helpful League “concierge”, the app adviser and love guru who will help me to eternal romance, messaged me. He said, “I did want to give you the heads up that the Drafting team reviewed your profile and everything looks great! However, they did notice that you’re running a bit low on Potentials within your set preferences. . . . (blah, blah, blah, invite more people, preferences too narrow, no men for you).” WHAT?! This is the League of Extraordinary Gentleman! Why am I low on “Potentials”? Are my preferences unreasonable? These are the base line of what I want. Crazily, I also want chemistry and mutual interests, similar goals and no criminal record. If my basic requirements are more than Metro Detroit can offer, and if the meet cute is dead, what do I do?

Readers, I am always honest with you. I know there are amazing men out there. I have had the privilege to meet some of them. They are now happily ensconced with wives, fiancées, and girlfriends, and they give me hope. But, this relationship safari lacks a happy hunting ground. I accentuate leading your best life solo no matter what, but the lack of viable suitors shocks me. Dating is hard enough, but having no options is worse. This League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is as fictional as the 2003 film of nonexistent superheroes. What else can I do but crochet myself into my armchair and declare eternal spinsterhood?

Sample Meet Cute

Gentlemen, if you are out there, talk to us. Go to the grocery store, and talk to us in line about the pickles we bought, the right wine to pair with our quiche, or whatever. Have courage and buy us a drink; it may work out. Don’t leave romance up to the internet or your Dalmatian. Tell us where you are hiding. We want to talk to you. We cannot truly be in a league of our own.

Cheers,

The Super Spinster

[1] Barbara Stanwyck and Henry Fonda in The Lady Eve (1941).

[2] Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant in Bringing up Baby (1938).

[3] Purdie and Pongo in Walt Disney’s 101 Dalmatians (1961).

A Ho-Alternative Halloween--Collected Ideas

2017-10-29T16:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Friends,

Halloween has arrived, so style yourself for the season! Here is a recap of all the stunning spinsters I have covered on the blog and on Facebook and Instagram. You cannot go wrong with any of these choices. Whether you model them just for the night or carry their style, grace, and genius with you all year, have a safe, independent, and happy Halloween!

Coco Chanel

Visit here for the story of fashion and women's rights pioneer, Coco Chanel: http://funwithspinsters.blogspot.com/2017/10/ho-alternative-halloween-costumes-coco.html

Oprah Winfrey

For Halloween, be a super spinster: be Oprah! Pick one of her many styles over the years to imitate, and carry some Kleenex because you are about to make people cry. You may even want to hand out little toy cars and say, "You get a car! And you get a car! And you!"

Wonder Woman

Consider imitating this great, though fictional, lady. Wonder Woman! You'll have no trouble finding a costume.

Susan B. Anthony

Ladies, we wouldn't have the vote today without this brave spinster. For your Ho-Alternative Halloween costume, wear a long black dress, a white ruffle at your throat, pin back your hair, and carry a sign saying "Votes for Women!" Maybe you'll convince some women actually to use that right.

Condoleeza Rice

"I believe in a marriage of equals, that’s how my parents were, and that’s how I would see it." --Condoleeza Rice
This Halloween, aspire to be this lady, the first female, African-American U.S Secretary of State. Wear a trim blue suit, bob your hair, and walk around like the boss you are. If you want a soundtrack, play piano music. Ms. Rice also is a concert pianist.

Diane Keaton

Diane Keaton is one of Hollywood's most successful actresses and one of the few who has refused to be "aged off" the screen. Get the glasses, straighten your hair, dress in black, and smile. This proud spinster doesn't hide from the spotlight.

Tyra Banks

A Tyra Banks costume requires smoky, mascaraed eyes and a lot of attitude. Pick any of her iconic photos to imitate, then walk the runway like the successful businesswoman and model you are! "Speak with your eyes, ladies!"

Mother Theresa

You won't find a more admirable spinster than Mother Theresa. If you dress like this fine lady for your Ho-Alternative Halloween, consider passing out candy and treats to all you meet. Spread the love!

Queen Elizabeth I

For more on this amazing lady, read my blog post at http://funwithspinsters.blogspot.com/2017/10/ho-alternative-halloween-costumes-queen.html

Jane Austen
To be this great spinster, wear a long dress fitted around the bust, slippers, and a well-trimmed bonnet. Walk around giving everyone marriage advice and high romantic expectations. If you find Mr. Darcy, message me immediately.

Florence Nightingale

To all my friends in the medical profession, you can thank this spinster for founding the modern nursing profession for women. To marry would have been to relinquish her career, so she never did. She had too many other men to take care of. A Ho-Alternative Halloween costume would include a bonnet, a spotless, long dress, a white apron, and an iron will.

Greta Garbo
Heralded as one of the most beautiful actresses to grace the silver screen, Ms. Garbo refused to relinquish her independence in exchange for marriage. "The only good reason for two people getting married is that they can be together most of the time. That is impossible with me so long as I remain on the screen.” If you want a truly fabulous Halloween costume, put on your best attire, apply thick eyeliner and eye lashes, and glow like a goddess. Take all photos in black and white.

Joan of Arc

She may not have had a romantic end, but this famous spinster lived fearlessly. Religious dreams compelled her to join the Hundred Years' War and fight for France. In the war, she led French troops against the English to great success before her capture. Even in an age when women never went to war, let alone led troops, Joan of Arc was unstoppable in her faith. If you wish to be her for your Ho-Alternative Halloween, don your suit of armor, carry your Bible and sword, and God help anyone who stands in your way.

Rosie the Riveter
Rosie the Riveter, although a fictional heroine, makes a great model for a Ho-Alternative Halloween costume. Put on your overalls and head scarf, roll up your sleeves, and get hammering. These ladies were the engine of the Arms Race in World War II and are now a symbol of what a group of determined women, married and spinster alike, can accomplish.

Charlize Theron
Well-known for her Academy-Award-winning performance in Monster and for her J'Adore commercials, Charlize Theron shows women that spinsters can be beautiful, successful, and have a family. Ms. Theron is the mother of two adopted children and is one of the world's celebrated beauties. Oh, and she campaigns for women's rights and cure for HIV/AIDs, too.

To be this stunning spinster for Halloween, rock one of her many looks--disturbed and dangerous from Monster, sexy in gold for J'Adore, or wicked and poisonous in Snow White and the Huntsman.

Happy Halloween!

Cheers,

Super Spinster

Ho-Alternative Halloween Costumes--Queen Elizabeth I

2017-10-14T19:56:00.000-04:00

Dear Friends,

This Halloween, don’t be a lady of the night. Have some class, and show off your knowledge of history’s most remarkable women. Consider the following series of ho-alternative Halloween costumes inspired by a few of my favorite spinsters. You’ll be proud to imitate these ladies, and your friends will admire your creativity and éclat.

Elizabeth I

Cate Blanchett as Queen Elizabeth I in the 2007 film Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Only two years after Elizabeth Tudor was born in 1533, her father beheaded her mother. Rather, King Henry VIII ordered Queen Anne Boleyn beheaded for treason and adultery. He accused her of sleeping with her brother and practicing witchcraft. Whether Anne Boleyn actually committed these crimes, we may never know. But, the shadow of her death shrouded the young Elizabeth's childhood and taught her that marriage could mean disaster. Better safe and single than beneath the thumb of a jealous, dangerous man.

Upon her rise to the throne in 1558, Elizabeth refused to marry. She rejected lords, dukes, earls, and princes. Rumors of an adulterous affair with Sir Robert Dudley and the murder of Dudley’s wife undermined Elizabeth's “virgin” persona, but none of the rumors could obscure the fact that Elizabeth ruled alone.

Helen Mirren as Queen Elizabeth I in the 2005 TV Miniseries Elizabeth I

While Elizabeth ruled, England enjoyed decades of peace. Her reign is now known as England’s Renaissance and “Golden Age.” Art, literature, and music flourished. Shakespeare wrote many of his greatest plays under Elizabeth's patronage. To Shakespeare and artists like him, Elizabeth was a goddess. Shakespeare’s Queen Titania, queen of the fairies in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, is a homage to Queen Elizabeth. Edmund Spenser wrote The Faerie Queene in her honor, an epic connecting her royal blood with King Arthur and her power with the supernatural. Artists worshiped her and so her people believed their queen more deity than woman; and that is exactly how Elizabeth wanted it.

Cate Blanchett as Queen Elizabeth I in the 2007 Film Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Elizabeth's genius lay in marketing. Where did these men get the idea to call her “Fairy Queen” and “Virgin Queen”? Why, from the queen, of course. In a world of princes and kings, Elizabeth used the media of her time—poetry, theatre, art, and song—to portray herself as strong, beloved, clever, and immortal. She had married herself to her country, and the man who tried to take it from her would dearly regret it.

Cate Blanchett as Queen Elizabeth I at Tilbury in the 2007 Film Elizabeth: The Golden Age

When Spain launched a naval invasion against England in 1588, Elizabeth rode to her country’s southern coast and saw the vast Spanish Armada floating offshore. Amidst her soldiers, she is said to have sat on horseback, a warrior queen, who cried, “I know I have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a king!” She acknowledged what they all knew—she was female and an unlikely general—but with the turn of a sentence she transformed. She proclaimed herself brave enough to stand with her outmatched army and tough enough to cut down any Spaniard who stepped ashore. Appearances were nothing. Strength lay in her love for her people and her willingness to do anything to protect them. By the grace of God, the Spanish Armada sunk off the coast in a terrible storm, and Elizabeth returned from the field confident in her divine right to rule alone.

It is difficult to say whether Elizabeth really wanted to marry. With Elizabeth's rumored love of Sir Robert Dudley, it is hard to believe she didn’t marry because she never fell in love. She likely did. But for her, to marry was too great a risk. A husband could take her throne and subordinate her. He could want her for her power and not for herself. And no one could protect her people like she could. If that meant no man ever sat beside her, so be it.

Joseph Fiennes as Sir Robert Dudley & Cate Blanchett as the Princess Elizabeth in the 1998 Film Elizabeth

It is rumored that in the last hours of Elizabeth's life she stood in her chambers, refusing to sit and succumb to death. Even as the shadow of death that had claimed her mother sixty-seven years before slunk toward her, Elizabeth fought to stay. Her life had been in service to England, and despite such a great burden, she never wanted it lifted. At last, on March 24, 1603, aged 69, England’s then longest-serving monarch, its “Virgin Queen”, and its greatest patroness of peace passed from the human world into the supernatural forever. She now lives in society's collective imagination, a beautiful, unshakeable queen star-crossed in love but loved by her people. She remains the "Fairy Queen" of English history and the imperfect woman who had the heart and stomach of a queen.

Glenda Jackson as Queen Elizabeth in the 1971 TV Miniseries Elizabeth R

For more on Queen Elizabeth I, try the book Elizabeth by David Starkey. You may also enjoy the film Elizabeth (1999) and Elizabeth: The Golden Age (2007) starring Cate Blanchett, the TV Mini Series Elizabeth R (1971) starring Glenda Jackson, and the TV Mini Series Elizabeth I (2005) starring Helen Mirren.

For your Elizabeth I costume, try Ebay.com or Amazon.com. Just make sure you get a ruff, white face paint, a red wig, and a lot of jewelry.

Happy Halloween! Return soon to read my next suggestion for a Ho-Alternative Halloween.

Cheers,

The Super Spinster

Ho-Alternative Halloween Costumes--Coco Chanel

2017-10-14T16:47:00.000-04:00

Dear Friends,

This Halloween, don’t be a lady of the night: be a heroine. Delight your friends with your knowledge of history’s most remarkable women. In this Ho-Alternative Halloween Series, I've collected the stories of my favorite spinsters with costume suggestions for each. You’ll be proud to imitate these ladies, and your friends will admire your creativity and éclat.

Coco Chanel

Born in 1883 in France, Gabrielle (“Coco”) Chanel is one of the most iconic fashion designers of the twentieth-century. Raised in a convent after her mother died and her father abandoned her, Coco was inspired by the geometric, Romanesque architecture of the convent and the black and white of the nuns' habits. From there, Coco developed her slim, monochromatic, masculine clothing that shocked and inspired French fashion. Refusing to wear the corsets, layers of ankle-stretching skirts and voluminous hats of ladies at the time, Coco wore loose-fitting trousers, rode a horse like a man, cut her hair into a bob, hung layers of pearls around her neck, and went to the beach and got a tan. Working women soon followed her, wearing fashions that actually allowed them to do their jobs and maintain a daring yet delicate femininity.

"In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different." — Coco Chanel

But transforming the fashion world was not enough. Coco broke centuries' old perfume traditions. Before Chanel, women wore simple rose water or floral scents (one flower at a time, please). The renegade Coco, already shocking to the male-dominated fashion world, hired chemists to create new, complex scents. She combined flowers with tobacco and musk and other ingredients unheard of in parfumerie. The result was Chanel No. 5. It filled perfumeries and department stores, shocking and delighting customers with its unique scent and sleek square bottle. Chanel No. 5 and its descendants are worn and loved today, and women have long since abandoned the overly simple scents of yesterday.

"Fashion fades, only style remains the same." — Coco Chanel

In her personal life, Coco found love, lost it, and carried on. Around 1908, she fell in love with Captain Arthur Edward “Boy” Capel, a wealthy, cultivated Englishman. He introduced the peasant-born Coco to the Orient, to literature, and to new worlds of design. He also financed her first boutiques. Aching to free herself from the need to marry (a requirement for most women), Coco worked with Boy to start what would later become the Chanel empire. Thanks to him, the peasant-girl-Coco became Coco Chanel and the force behind modern women's fashion. When Boy died in a motorcycle accident in 1919, the attendees at his funeral said they saw Coco cry for the first and last time.

"Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty." — Coco Chanel

Coco Chanel never married. She had a brilliant career and worked hard to realize her dreams. No doubt, many men would have married this glittering empress of fashion, but Coco remained a proud spinster. She had revolutionized not only women’s fashion but also modeled a woman’s right to make something of herself, to raise her voice among a male-dominated industry, and to settle for love, liberty, and nothing less. The epitome of elegance, Coco once remarked, "Elegance is not the prerogative of those who have just escaped from adolescence, but of those who have already taken possession of their future."

For more on Coco Chanel, watch these fabulous video clips about her life and her brand: http://inside.chanel.com/en/gabrielle-pursuit-passion.

For your Halloween costume, pair a knee-length nip-waisted dress (simple color), a tweed or wool jacket, Oxford pumps, a sleek, unadorned hat, multiple strings of pearls, and of course, some perfume. As Coco said, “Une femme sans parfum est une femme sans avenir” (“A woman without perfume is a woman without a future.”)

Happy Halloween! Return soon to read my next suggestion for a Ho-Alternative Halloween.

Cheers,

The Super Spinster

The World According to 90s Kids

2017-09-16T16:35:00.000-04:00

Dear friends,

Hello, ‘90s kids! Whether you were born in this decade or just remember it well, you may have noticed that the 90s are all the rage again. Full House has returned. We’re tying our shirts around our waists (Hey Arnold!) and sporting black purse/backpacks (Clueless). The darker lip is back (remember episode one of Dawson’s Creek?), NSYNC and The Backstreet Boys are on our playlists, and we’re spending money like it’ll never run out. It’s nostalgic! It’s fun! It’s a happy memory of cell-phone-free, Fruit Rollupy childhood days. It’s Allllll That!

All this 90s nostalgia got me thinking. What did I learn from the 90s? How did that decade fashion me into the adult I am today? The 90s were pre-911. In our boxier cars and on our corded phones, we felt safe and anticipated our Jetsons-like lifestyles just on the other side of 2000. We were all hope and glitter and neon as we rocketed toward the millennium's finale, and our TV sets recorded our brilliance.

For me, a lot of the 90s was about TV. Before and after school every day, I watched the Disney Channel, Cartoon Network, and Nickelodeon like it was my job. There was a rough patch when the OJ Simpson trial was on and my mother monopolized the only TV in the house. But once OJ was acquitted, I was back in front of the screen. I’d watch The Magic School Bus and Bill Nye the Science Guy, which taught me more about science than any elementary school class. Then there were the simple adventure stories like Tail Spin and Duck Tales (woo oo!). I also loved Captain Planet, Hey Arnold!, Recess (those evil Ashleys in their tire tower!), and Sailor Moon.

Forgive me, but I must pause at Sailor Moon. I know that show wasn’t everyone’s favorite, but it is an 80s/90s cult classic. Sailor Moon gave me and many other girls something special: a show about girls kicking ass and looking good doing it. It may also have given us unrealistic expectations. We dreamt of a masked man in a tuxedo rescuing us from danger. We wanted to be sailor scouts with communicator watches and eyeglass computers (uh, those are real now) fighting evil in high heels. We planned to be the bravest, smartest, best-dressed heroines Tokyo and the world had ever seen, and we'd “Moon Crystal Power!” those villains into the vortex for good.

These plans were fantasy, but there was one realistic hope that Sailor Moon inspired when no other show did. Sailor Moon showed us that friendship came first. Even though the scouts found each other annoying, unreasonable, or spoiled and stupid, they became the constants in each other’s lives. When they weren’t fighting the bad guys, they faced flunked classes, bad hair days, lost jobs, family illnesses, and broken hearts. Unlike the masked heroes that came and went, their friendship remained. From watching this, many of us learned that success wasn’t having super powers or a handsome partner; it was having nutty but loyal friends.

I haven’t found a show in the new millennium that models friendship like Sailor Moon did. Gossip Girl (2007 to 2012) is fraught with best friends betraying each other, elevating their personal goals above their families, partners, reputations, and friends. Pretty Little Liars (2010 to 2017) follows a similar narrative track, and The Vampire Diaries (2009 to 2017) is, well, just the supernatural version of the other two.

Although the 90s shows I described are more child/teenager-based than Gossip Girl and its ilk, I think 90s kids were taught about friendship, learning, and the environment more effectively than kids today. Maybe it was the safety of the 90s, the plenty of it, but we learned things like “Dream Big!” (on every poster at school), “The Power is Yours!” (Captain Planet), and to "take chances, make mistakes, and get messy!" (Magic School Bus).

We 90s kids are still all about that. We prefer the clever world play and absurd humor of Kenan & Kel, the loud librarian, and Principal Pimpel from All That. We slam dunk our dreams like Bugs Bunny on Space Jam, and we shoot for relationships as loving and loyal as that of Corey and Topanga on Boy Meets World. We may still dream of Tuxedo Mask, but we know when we’ve found a good group of friends and won’t give them up for anything. We face danger like contestants on Legends of the Hidden Temple. We recycle and reuse like it’s our jobs because Captain Planet told us it was. Wishbone inspired us to lose ourselves in a great book and is the basis for most of our literary knowledge. And now we travel the world, hungry for adventure, trying to find that damned Carmen Sandiego; where in the world is she???

We may have said goodbye to our Tamagotchis, may they rest in peace, and our VHSs, but we're still those 90s kids. We’re just playing at adulthood, and we're rocking it! Think of it this way: an adult is not a kid who dies; an adult is a kid who survives. So, 90s kids, live it up! Recall the good old days of better Disney movies, Super Mario, and the first Harry Potter books, and tell me how the 90s inspired you to change the world.

Best wishes,

The Super Spinster

Good Dates Ruined by Company: Lessons in Courtship

2017-08-04T12:13:00.001-04:00

Dear Friends,

Fun with Spinsters would not be “fun” if the alternative were not so often unfortunate. I mean “dating.” I mean having to gird oneself for the world of new faces across café tables hoping to connect with someone worth keeping around. Most singles do it. We are pushed to date because to be single is to be “lonely and sad.” At least, that’s what my TV tells me.

JCPenney “One-Day Sales!” do not advertise to singles. You don’t see a single woman on those commercials smiling in her new business suit or embarking on a journey, new suitcase in hand, with a train ticket for one. Singles, apparently, don’t need as much stuff as couples. We’re not that beautiful, skinny lady with her well-dressed man and lovely, matching children. We’re not worth the marketing expense until we decide to play along nicely.

Some feel these societal pressures and date against their will. Friends, I feel for you, but stop doing that. Either get out of the game if it pains you or join my camp--"Dating for Curious Cats" (campsite with full amenities, "take-a-hike" trails, and 24/7 wine bar). Maybe I will meet the right person this time? Maybe he or she is just one swipe of the dating app away?

I enjoy being among the curious crowd. I don’t need a partner to be fulfilled, but one could be fun. Perhaps a romantic partner could be a credit to my life. I know couples who are better because they are together. If it happened for them, it could happen for me.

My dating philosophy is to cherish the good dates and to make mockery of the bad ones. And I have had some bad dates. I have met some shockingly self-absorbed people. I have had doors slammed on me while the man walked in front. I have waited an hour for a late date. I have stepped into and sat in cars full of crap. I have suffered the dementia of an ADD and ADHD suitor who couldn’t focus on me, or anything, for more than ten seconds. I have been propositioned on the first date and then looked at in disgust after a polite “no.” I have been told I’m wrong for being a Christian because I can’t prove any of it (that was on date one; there was no date two.) Although terribly uncomfortable at the time, these dates have ignited my creative spirit. As you will see, they make great writing material.

Here’s a case in point: This past spring, I met a handsome, educated, well-spoken man on a dating app. We seemed to have a lot in common. He wanted to meet me right away and was willing to drive an hour just to have coffee. With that immediate interest, I thought I was in for a good date. That is, until he cancelled, out of nowhere, the night before saying he didn’t see a chance for us. (We hadn’t met yet.) Then I get a text the next morning with a huge apology and explaining that he just hasn’t been on a date in a long time and got cold feet but would love to meet me for real. He was so apologetic. And I, you may not be surprised to hear, am so dumb. I agreed. Reader, I said “yes” despite the clanging warning bells that this guy may not be ready for a date. Boy, was he not.

At the café, I selected a table facing the door so I would see him come in, ordered a cup of my favorite tea, and read my book while waiting (The Dubliners by James Joyce in preparation for my Ireland trip). It was a great time—me, my book, hot tea—until my date showed up. He was on time, but he was not on the clock for another relationship. The man spent thirty minutes explaining what went wrong with his last girlfriend (TMI), how she wanted to do unspeakable, sexual things with him (TMI!), and that he was so, so over her (NOT).

When my unfortunate date finally noticed I was there, he asked, “So, I see from your profile that you like art.” Yes! I do! At last, here’s something on which we can connect! Then, he continued, “I don’t really like art. I don’t understand it and don’t think I ever will.” Oh. Then why bring it up???? Amazingly, right after that comment, I had an “emergency text” from my sister. I had to go to the grocery store immediately to get a missing ingredient for a dish she was concocting just then. Failure to collect the necessary ingredient would spell culinary disaster. I could not ignore my sister’s call. I politely excused myself and made no promises for a second date. Even though any one could see this was a fake emergency, my delusional suitor thought the date had gone well enough to move in for a kiss. Uh uh. I dodged that like a footballer. Only then did he realize I wasn’t interested. We politely wished each other well in their romantic search, and my life returned to normal.

After that experience, among many similar disasters, I should surrender to singledom entirely. But, I haven’t. I still date. I still swipe right looking for someone interesting. I do that because even though Mr. Delusional-Not-Over-His-Ex was a bad date, I learned things from him. He talked briefly about his home country and the traditions there, which was fascinating. I would have liked to learn more under different circumstances. Because, really, I love meeting people and hearing their stories. My curiosity about other humans is insatiable, so even if a potential suitor reveals himself to be more frog than prince, I’m usually glad I met him. You needn’t kiss all of them to know if they’re princes, but it doesn’t mean they don’t have something to share. Trust your instincts, and allow yourself a good chuckle when it’s over. As long as you have an exit strategy (my sister has many culinary emergencies), it may be worth the adventure.

I know this philosophy bemuses people. I get a fair amount of crap for being single. Until a date with a man is better than a date with myself or my friends, I will have a good laugh and get back to what I want to do. Don’t let bad company ruin your dates or your life. And, when people ask you, after all those dates and all that education and all those travels and all those dreams, “Why are you still single?”, I hope you’ll respond with a confident grin, “Just lucky, I guess.”

Best wishes,

The Super Spinster