FunGamesStrugglePain-The Story of the Life

Part 1/3 of 99 short stories of my life

2012-07-16T21:04:00.000-04:00

1/3

When I first started drinking it was always a social thing. I looked at it like this: I knew who the cool guys were in school, at parties, around town, they weren't the guys using "drugs". At this point when I say drugs it's really only marijuana, obviously I knew of the harder shit, but it wasn't really around, and if it was then it wasn't talked about....out of sight out of mind. Potheads" as I called them, well, actually I still do, were just what you'd expect....parents who were either too busy to notice, too fucked up to care, or had their own heads so far up their collective superior asses that "they KNOW what druggies look like" and "their" kid isn't one of "THEM". Well, Guess What Parents, Teachers, Coaches, Guys, Girls, Aunts, Uncle's and whoever else is out there reading this??? DRUG ADDICTION + ALCOHOLISM is as tried and true as death and taxes.....it's the 3rd constant that will forever inhabit this earth. It doesn't discriminate. White, Black, Green, Women, Man, Christian, Islamic, Vegetarian, or even a god damn homosexual. You don't have to be poor, live in a bad neighborhood, have bad friends, have bad parents, be sexually abused, be picked on, OR ANYTHING ELSE! IN FACT, YOU CAN HAVE A FUCKING DAMN NEAR PERFECT FUCKING UPBRINGING, AND 1 STUPID, HORRIBLE, REGRETTABLE, AWFUL, PAINFUL, MISTAKE can completely change the entire course of your life. AND....the lives of EVERYONE around you. EverySinglePerson who gives a shit whether you take another breath is hurting the whole time your abusing. Do you know why I said abusing instead of using? It was intentional. It was very very intentional. It's very very important and completely different. Your not going to hear this from your doctor, Councilor, sponsor or parents. I'm ONLY saying this because I want to be EXTREMELY AND COMPLETELY CLEAR ABOUT 1 THING IN REGARDS TO MY WRITINGS HERE. Im HONEST. Sometimes to a fault. But I'm NOT EVER going to lie to anyone EVER AGAIN. I've moved past that. It took a lot of work to get to where I am. I worked. My girlfriend worked. My family worked. Eventually. My girlfriend has been many things throughout my life, here's just a small sample: sounding board, friend, lover, object of anger, object of sex, victim of my habits(gambling, drinking, cocaine, percocet, Oxycontin, heroine) faced homelessness, job loss, many many nights of sleep lost, nearly $50,000 lost trying to keep me still moving and hundreds of other things i'll talk about throughout. I have had 1 person that has NEVER EVER EVER let me forget that I have someone in my corner. no matter what. Whether it's a parent, sibling, cousin, friend, or damn pen pal, it takes A LOT. AND I MEAN FOR REAL, A LOT to truly get free from drugs and alcohol. Let someone have your back. Your going to look back and really appreciate it someday. I PROMISE.

To be continued.....

Locks for Love...to cut or not to cut, that is the question!

2011-12-19T15:43:00.000-05:00

http://espn.go.com/mens-college-basketball/story/_/id/7350483/arkansas-razorbacks-michael-sanchez-pays-forward-college-basketball

http://www.locksoflove.org/donate.html

The minimum length for donation is 10" according to the website, you can go check out the link above for the acceptable and unacceptable types of hair for donation. The webite is very detailed and explanatory in regards to what you need to do and how to go about donating hair that is to be made into a hairpiece for a cancer patient. *(The ESPN story quotes Michael Sanchez of the Arkansas Razorbacks basketball team growing out his hair to donate, but they mention needing 8" so I believe that's either an old figure or just a misprint)

Cancer is that word that instantly puts the ultimate fear into you. It's one of the only diseases that the medical community has researched and treated but not found a "cure" over decades and decades. Treatment has come so so so far compared to what the prognosis patients were getting originally. What's so scary about cancer is it can occur in just about anyone.....it's one of the few evils on this earth just like addiction that can fall upon, young/old and everywhere in between, all different races and religions although statistics do show its more common in some races then others.

I have always kept my hair relatively short, while in high school and before I had always played sports so it was much easier, and cooler to just keep it that way. And yes, by cool I mean temperature wise, I don't mean that long hair isn't "cool", haha, cause long hair is actually really HOT!

Anyways, I decided for the first time to just let my hair grow a little, and once it got beyond the point where I usually kept it I had an idea. I had heard of selling hair once it's long enough and i'd also heard of donating it. My sister actually donated her hair twice when she was in elementary/high school. I thought and still think, that was an amazing thing, for a kid that's making such an important decision and gesture especially when it's such a great cause is awsome.

Now i'm at the point where it's been close to a year probably and in a few more months i'll be getting closer to the minimum length for donation or selling and i'm trying to decide between the two. If I sold it though I would be using the money to donate to a charity or non-profit organization regardless, so no matter which is chosen, it will be something towards someone that really needs a little help.

The ESPN article is about Michael Sanchez, and it details part of his childhood growing up where the family got together and held tag sales, saved up everything they had, participated in bake sales and things like a car wash, all to make sure the kids were able to play sports and go to games with their travel teams. The kids saw how much time and effort the parents put into volunteering with school and sports teams to help and that clearly made quite the impression on Michael. As I read up on Michael you can't help but feel a little confused how someone that does so many things right, treats people with respect, helps anyone and everyone that asks or doesn't yet he's continued to get injuries that have kept him sidelined over and over and caused him to miss many games throughout his career.

Sanchez is now growing out his hair to donate because when he was volunteering at the Arkansas Childrens Hospital he was so touched by a little girl and how happy she was helping all the other kids and trying to keep their spirits up. Her name was Zoe and she was suffering from cancer herself, her hair already gone as a sign of what she had been through.....the story really put a smile on my face and I decided to share what I'll be doing as well. The story is absolutely worth the few minutes it will take to give it a read so click that espn link if you have time.

I really think that at this time of year everyone really needs to sit back and reflect on the past year and take the time to just kinda think about how you feel about it. Are you proud of everything you've done in the last 12 months? Is there anything that sticks out and you really regret and wish you could change how you reacted, or what you did, or whatever? No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, and I mean EVERYONE.

Whether it's George Bush, Barak Obama, Jim my neighbor or myself, we've all done things were not proud of. Some decisions are microfied a lot more because some of us are in the spotlight a lot more but take that out of it. If you had eyes on you 24 hours everyday, of every week, month for the entire year, what would people think and see.....a real man or women is proud of what they do, even when no one is looking.

First lawsuit against Penn State and Jerry Sandusky is brought

2011-11-30T18:08:00.001-05:00

http://espn.go.com/college-football/story/_/id/7298112/penn-state-nittany-lions-scandal-first-jerry-sandusky-sex-abuse-lawsuit-comes-new-accuser

The first lawsuit has been brought against Jerry Sandusky and Penn State University as well as the Second Mile Charity Foundation which was run and created by Jerry Sandusky. There are 8 different accusers in the court case pending against Sandusky but the lawsuit was brought by a 9th un-named victim who himself had said he thought he was the only boy abused until he read the grand jury indictment.

I'm glad that the punitive and monetary portions of this monstrosity have begun because the victims could face a lifetime of aftercare in regards to the emotions, depression, anxiety and other possible feelings that will no doubt surface throughout their lives. The treatment that is necessary is not only expensive but it's very time consuming depending on how in depth you have been affected.

The victims who have spoken out have talked about decades of abuse at the hands of Jerry Sandusky who was a mentor, hero if you will to them. I would think they have scars that will take just as long if not longer to heal as they were abused in time lengthwise. The trust that was abused and taken advantage of can touch several different facets of their lives including everything from damaging possible healthy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, anxiety and depression can cause difficulty in sleeping, and even maintaining a schedule and following through on day to day activities.

I really hope and wish that all of these boys/young men now have the chance to work through all of the pain they have suffered at the hands of this monster and even though money isn't going to bring back their innocence and childhood years they more then deserve the time to get away and relax while putting themselves in a living situation where they can maintain a healthy living style and start getting the longterm help they need.

Is anyone out there listening? Hello? Can we all just have a little common sense?

2011-11-28T13:24:00.001-05:00

Ok, so now we have a 6 year old, YES THAT'S NOT A MIS-PRINT, THE BOY IS FUCKING 6 YEARS OLD, that has been charged with sexual assault. Not only has he been charged, but the little girl whom he is accused of "assaulting" by putting his finger in her anus while playing doctor, has said that he only touched her on the outside. So let me get this straight, the boy says he didn't do this, the girl says he didn't do this, but because her parents feel that he did(it's been said they are well known political figures) he's been charged with a crime that could leave him with a black mark for life....for the next 100 years this boy could have to register as a sex offender, alert every town police department when he changes residences so they are aware, choose his residence based on the location and proximity of schools and daycares in the area and other necessary precautions against sex offenders, NOT A 6 YEAR OLD.

My Take: Alright, for this post i'm going to just call the boy TOM(THIS IS NOT HIS REAL NAME PEOPLE) so let's figure this out....Did Tom do anything wrong? Yes. What would I do if I had walked in and it was my daughter in this situation being touched? I would be very angry, I probably would yell and maybe even tell Tom's parents he is no longer allowed to be anywhere that my daughter is or i'm going to file a report so it's on record or something. Hopefully, once I calmed down and thought what's happened through, along with hearing the parents explanation, hopefully after they called to apologize and I accepted while we talked like adults, I realized that Tom had himself been to the doctors and had a rectal exam. Unfortunately he didn't realize this wasn't something that should be going on and he was repeating what happened, just as kids often do. Tom parents assured me that not only would the kids not leave their sight but Tom feels terrible about everything that happened and wants to apologize to my daughter(meanwhile she doesn't even know anything wrong happened until I sat her down).

This would be an ideal scenario, obviously when it's your own kids it's a scary situation, we will always fear the worst, hope for the best, hopefully we have made sure our kids are playing with other children that have responsible parents, are being monitored appropriately and everything was immediately resolved and the kids now know the difference between what a real doctor does and what playing your allowed to do.

I don't see how with the facts we've learned about the case in the article a charge of sexual assault can be made. THE BOY IS 6 YEARS OLD, clearly there was a reason that he was doing this, as stated above, he's had it done to him, didn't realize anything was wrong, now that he knows i'm sure it won't happen again. I'm not a professional though, to be safe how about we send him to counsiling to ease his anxiety with the entire situation now, it's obviously hurting both of the children. Let's be the adults and get them the help they need instead of fighting like 6 year olds. Sound like a good plan? I'm amazed at how childish parents can get when they don't get what they want. Is this something you want to happen to your child? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Is this something that your going to make worse but making national headlines? ABSOLUTELY!

I hope both these kids get the help they need, it sounds like at least they both have loving homes, which is more then a lot of abused kids can say.

STORY ORIGINALLY SEEN POSTED BY +BRAD CUMMINGS IN MY GOOGLE+ STREAM

http://www.care2.com/causes/6-year-old-charged-with-sexual-assault-for-playing-doctor.html

In "Bernie's World" it's fine to molest boys...

2011-11-27T18:12:00.001-05:00

http://espn.go.com/espn/otl/story/_/id/7286347/otl-audio-tape-syracuse-orange-assistant-bernie-fine-wife-admits-worries-abuse

In another strange twist to the Syracuse sexual abuse scandal it's now came to light that Bernie Fine's wife knew of the sexual abuse he was engaging in but felt powerless to stop it. Abuse victim Bobby Davis, the Syracuse ball boy who has come forward and captured national headlines with his heartbreaking stories of abuse at the hands of his hero, Bernie Fine. Davis slept over at the Fine's house in the basement from before he was 10 years old for years and the sexual abuse continued throughout the next two decades. Finally, at the age of 27, Bobby Davis got up the strength and willpower to put a stop to Fine's vile advances.

The shame, guilt, confusion and depression that has griped him throughout his young life can be attributed to the years of torture at the hands of someone he both trusted and admired since he didn't have a father figure around and developed his feelings based on Fine's words and guidance from such a young age on.

UPDATE: SYRACUSE UNIVERSITY FIRED ASSISTANT COACH BERNIE FINE AFTER MORE EVIDENCE CAME TO LIGHT RECENTLY SUCH AS THE TAPED PHONE CALL I SPOKE ABOUT AND IS INVESTIGATED IN THE ARTICLE ABOVE.

http://espn.go.com/mens-college-basketball/story/_/id/7288286/bernie-fine-fired-syracuse-orange-amid-molestation-allegations

Shy, Passive, Intelligent, Average, Un-Athletic, Hard-Worker, and Awkward.

2011-11-19T06:24:00.001-05:00

Losers from Everynone on Vimeo.

Take the 2:31 out of your life and watch this video. Then take the next 2:31 and think about your own situation now and the childhood moments that you still carry in the back of your mind.....the one where some older kids made fun of that outfit you wore the first day of school, the one when you tried to sit down at a table that was empty except for 2 kids talking and they told you they didn't want losers like you at their table in front of your entire class, or after school you wanted to play some pick-up basketball and you watched as kid after kid went to each team and then it just stopped, they didn't need anymore then 10.

But instead of just walking away you ask if you can just stay and alternate in if they don't mind, after some laughing the captain points over towards where a group of girls are all talking and says to stand over there. As you excitedly start walking over, thinking about how relieved you are to finally have someone just leave you be for once and you realize that the girls are laughing, and now they're looking at you. What's going on? The captain, one of the most popular guys in school just told me I could stand over here, i'm playing in a little right?

A yell comes across the court, "hey loser, after we finish up this game let us know how cheerleader tryouts go!" Excitement and relief turn into confusion and embarrassment, your pace picks up as you just try and get out of sight before they see your face, they can't see you like this, they just can't it'll get even worse, I can't do this anymore, why even bother?

Every person at the school knows what a loser I am and i'm supposed to be the guy eating lunch by himself in the bathroom, reading a book alone in an empty classroom when you see all the other kids going out to grab some food together, playing catch outside, just hanging out talking to the girls in their class....why can't someone just let me stand with them, they don't even have to talk to me, i'll be quiet, if I ever get the chance, i'm promising myself right now that i'm not going to mess it up by talking!

Now whether your flashback put you in the position of the hunter or the huntee you need to realize how serious the situation has become nowadays. This isn't something that you tell your kid to just brush it off and man up! You can't just ignore it your whole life, you shouldn't have to either, you don't deserve to be treated that way.

I feel it's my duty to speak out because like many of you out there i've been on both ends of the spectrum. When your having to deal with the stress of being bullied on top of the everyday complications and pressue that kids and young adults feel the world really becomes a dark place. I've never once told a friend, relative or any of my family how much it hurt, it was my problem to deal with. I wanted to make my father proud of me, he'd be so disappointed if he saw me just walking away pitifully while the vultures laughed at me, not standing up for myself, not being tough.

There are so so so so many feelings that are bouncing around when your going through puberty that sometimes it can look like you have a damn split personality. Mood swings become more and more noticeable and freequent, the depression starts showing enough that others see it, feels harder and harder to be around people and it just seems like your the only one. Everyone else looks happy, the way you feel is embarrassing so you don't want to really bring it up to anyone.

All of this is typical stuff, lots and lots and lots of kids have felt, acted, talked, thought, about every single situation more then once. The thing is, they need to know that there IS somewhere they can go and talk openly and freely, there IS someone that's not going to judge them, they NEED to feel comfortable enough that they can get those things upsetting them or holding them back off their chest.

Kids these days deal with problems that we probably never even dreamed that was something they'd be thinking about before their damn near 20, or at least out of high school. That's where its important for parents to be close enough that your kids know you are there NO MATTER WHAT, there is nothing they are going to do that's going to make you stop loving them, PERIOD. But no so close that you make their lives even harder then it already is. And if you see someone that seems like they're hurting, maybe they don't want to sit down and tell a stranger all about it but just being a friend by saying hi would make the world of a difference. You'd be surprised what a smile can do for someone that feels no one cares and they are all alone.

Help when you can, be there when you can, listen when you can.....it matters.

Amit Gupta- Sufferer of Acute Leukemia

2011-11-16T23:14:00.001-05:00

The post below is from Stumbleupon.com and was written by Katie, the social media manager as you can see. I would have just posted the link but I wanted to make sure AS MANY PEOPLE SEE EXACTLY WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT. I know sometimes a post can catch your eye and then you lose interest and it's click click and your already reading the next sites headlines. I myself do it often, but this isn't the time to stop reading.

Although I don't personally "know" Amit, I know of his work and I know through dealing with losses in my life what news of a major disease can do to someone, their family, their friends. If there is a site to be tested near your, take the time if you can. It takes 10 minutes including filling out the paperwork and since the test is complete with only a swab of your cheek it's totally painless. AGAIN....THAT MEANS NO PAIN!!! Not a prick of the needle, not just one tube of blood, or a spinal tap for bone marrow....just a swab of your cheek. This is one of those times I talk about so much, let's show what kind of people we are, put out your hand to help if you can......

Help Save Amit’s Life

Thursday, November 10th, 2011

Meet Amit Gupta: founder of Photojojo and Jelly, organizer of entrepreneurial events like BarCamp, thought leader who contributed to a WSJ best-seller about remarkable businesses, and an all-around great guy. Unfortunately, the most recent descriptor he’s taken on is acute leukemia sufferer, and he has less than 20 days to find a bone marrow match. What’s making matters worse is that because Amit is of South Asian descent, he’s severely underrepresented in the donor pool. Most people have an 80% chance of finding a donor, but for South Asians, that number drops to 1 in 20,000.

Photojojo founder and entrepreneur Amit Gupta.

The tech world has already responded to Amit’s need and organized swab drives around the world to help Amit find his match. We’ll be hosting our own drive on Wednesday, November 16 from 2 to 6 pm PST at StumbleUpon headquarters in the SoMA neighborhood of San Francisco. More details can be found on our MeetUp page, or you can go ahead and sign up for a slot now (you may need to click on November 16 to locate the time options). The appointment takes only 10 minutes and involves filling out paperwork and using a cotton swab to collect a saliva sample. Totally painless. For more on what to expect from a swab drive, check out this FAQ.

Also, if you’re organizing a bone marrow swab drive of your own, email helpamit@stumbleupon.com with the URL you’ve set up for the cause and we’ll give you a code to redeem for $250 worth of Paid Discovery traffic. You’ll be able to reach Stumblers anywhere!

If you’re not in the San Francisco area, check out the drives happening around the country here: http://amitguptaneedsyou.tumblr.com/calendar.

There’s no better use for social media than to help people in need, so let’s tap the power of the crowd.

Stumble On,

Katie
Social Media Manager

Part 1- I used Sports, Alcohol, Sex and Drugs to hide it

2011-11-13T03:51:00.001-05:00

Whether your 10, 20, 50 or 100 if your violated sexually it's going to effect different people different ways and for some their life changes course so sharply that they are never able to regain control. Sometimes it's reported but the stigma attached to be a "victim" can follow you around forever. You may think you can just put it out of your mind, no one even needs to know about it, you'll just be more careful and avoid where it happened. You feel embarassed anyways, why couldn't you just stop it from happening? Your obviously weak, what kind of idiot let's that kind of stuff happen to them, well, I def can't tell anyone cause then I probably couldn't even get a job in this area, I love it here and if this gets out every business will know how weak I am mentally and then forget about anything physical.

At first it's nothing THAT serious, little acting out but you do well enough in school that your parents don't really notice anything, plus with all of the sports that come with practice's nearly everyday you don't really have time to think about any of that. Start talking to a few of the "bad" kids at school, that kind of stuff could never happen to them, there way too tough, maybe you should just be more like them? In your head you know that's not you, whether it's because you want someone to see you smoking a cigarette and your acting out or it's just a diversion I grew out of it pretty quick.

Next up was my best friend and evolved into someone that was so important to me throughout high school and college years that rarely did I go more then 12-18 hours without seeing them and we NEVER used protection.....I blacked out literally more times then I didn't and by the time I was asked about looking at my liver by the doctor I was told that I've aged my liver over 20 beyond my actual age. I still to this day don't like beer and I never did, started with vodka because it was the cheapest half gallon, 7.99 for a Zarkoff 1.75 liter bottle. That was about 16ish and continued until around 25. I've been through more moments where I should have died then I care to say, more then 5 different occasions that either a paramedic or doctor told me there is no way I should have made it....I'm not saying this to brag and I'm not proud of it by any means, at least not now. I grew up doing my best to show I was the worst, I felt bad for myself and I let that control a lot more then I should have but it took those 10 years plus a few more to relize that.

ESPN commentator Rick Reilly on what was Penn State....

I eventually ended up in the hospital with alchohol poisoning and that was the last date I had with Vodka, we fought too much with each other and somehow when we were together I always ended up angry, yelling, drunk, and telling someone what I bitch I thought they were and if they stepped on my "Timb's" again I was giong to kill them....immature drunks guys, much much to much to drink to realize we were probably yelling over nothing 9/10, showing off to girls, and looked pretty stupid. Oh and for the record if you don't know, Timb's are Timberland boots. Just one of those random things that can happen when you get 150 drunk kids all in a room with girls, alcohol, beer pong which breeds competition, and obviously no "real" adults around for miles, haha.

Next up was Hot Damn, then Peppermintschnapps, then Goldschlagger, then it was Bacardi rum for the next probably 3-4 years before I switched to Crown Royal and then back to Bacardi and lastly attempted White Russian's but ended up abandoning that whore because she did not like me anymore and I ended up running to the bathroom and massacring that place floor to ceiling....not good, lol.....so I ended up finding a nice relaxing mix of Kahlua/Bailey's+Milk

Be ready for Part 2 this coming week.....

Looking for a "pimp"?? Well, Derek Avery needs new clients between 13-15...he's got his fedora ready moms

2011-10-27T23:35:00.000-04:00

Accused sex trafficker set to change plea - JSOnline:

'via Blog this'

Summary: On again, Off again, self-professed PIMP, Derrick Avery is ready to change his not guilty plea in exchange for a lighter sentence but the details of the agreement have not been disclosed. Avery is charged with prostituting 2 girls who were as young as 14 and 10 women over a span of 8 years and beating and torturing them if they didn't make him enough money. He appeared on "The Jerry Springer Show" as a self proclaimed pimp and appeared in a documentary called "Pimp's Up, Hoe's Down" in 1999. On the contrary though, Avery has professed on other websites that he is not a pimp but just an actor "playing" a pimp. When he was arrested he was living in Las Vegas but the charges originated in Milwaukee where he was the highest profile case in a string of sex trafficking offenses.

My take: More of the scumbags like these need to be the target of investigations in the cities throughout the united states. I know prostitution is illegal but as far as i'm concerned what a women chooses to do with her body is her business. Whether it's a drug addict that offers to sleep with a guy if he gives her that next fix or the pta president sneaking out after work and getting a hotel room with his mistress that has him leaving $300 light in the wallet who cares? Is it morally wrong in my opinion? SURE. But, who am I to judge what they do in their free time? What business is it of mine? I gamble on cards and bet on football games, maybe that pta president finds that morally reprehensible. We all have our vices, to each his own I say.

The part of this story that bothers me isn't really even highlighted in the piece, did you notice it? What fact sticks out to you the first time you read the article? There were 2 girls that were as young as 14 that were not only beaten and tourtured if they didn't make him enough money but just think how they were getting that money. These are girls that are about middle school age, maybe barely a freshmen in high school but more likely MIDDLE SCHOOL. They should be having sleepovers and too shy to talk to boys on the phone so they text, anxiously awaiting that boy they like to ask them to dance at the winter festival, instead there being violated by strangers 5/6/10 everyday to pay this asshole's bills? What is wrong with us right now? Get angry, please, we need to start doing something about this stuff, a slap on the wrist fine and a few years in jail isn't going to cut it.

If a grown women wants to sleep with men for money all the power too her, it needs to be legalized around the country so that the state can tax the income and the industry can become safer and absent of diseases both deadly and the least of your problems, embarassing.

+Joshua Hastings

@joshuadavid1121

www.MassAuthentics.Ecrater.com

http://massauthentics.tumblr.com/

BBC News - Give An Hour: Opening up a new world

2011-10-24T13:58:00.000-04:00

BBC News - Give An Hour: Opening up a new world:

'via Blog this'

Summary: The "Give an hour" campaign is encouraging people to give an hour of their time to spend with people who have NEVER or basically never used the internet. It seems like EVERYONE is online, especially with the increase of the social networks and the visability of them combined with the fact that computer prices have dropped thousands from when they first came on the market. In London out of the 10% of people who have not used a computer in their life 43% are over the age of 55 and without someone to bridge the gap this can lead to isolation and frustration.

My take: This seems like a great program and a fantastic idea. I can remember learning the basics myself and how big of a deal it was when we got a computer room in my elementary school back 15-20 years ago. Now there are millions or options and i'm sure it's very confusing for that older generation that hasn't been exposed to them, imagine how daunting just walking through the computer section of Best Buy would be. Article is def worth the read and I commend them for the innovative thinking. I believe I heard something in my local town about having a class at our senior center to teach computer basics actually so that's something i'm going to look into. As always, let's try and help other people in our neighborhoods, someday you could need something and they will be there for you too, pass it on and it will come back over and over....

+Joshua Hastings
@joshuadavid1121
www.MassAuthentics.Ecrater.com
http://massauthentics.tumblr.com/

Hard to be humble when you stuntin on a jumbotron - I'm glad everyone likes our poster campaign :)

2011-10-24T00:50:00.000-04:00

Click this link to check out the original post from SAUCY-SARAH ON TUMBLR.COM....Hard to be humble when you stuntin on a jumbotron - I'm glad everyone likes our poster campaign :):

'via Blog this'

The Won't Sell Em' A Dream But The Inspiration Is Free poster campaign is bringing the "were a culture, not a costume" "This is NOT who I am and this is NOT ok." message straight to your home. The overall message is global acceptance of all different cultures and those different in society who have faced mockery and ridicule at the hands of peers dating back generation after generation.

+Joshua Hastings
@joshuadavid1121
www.MassAuthentics.Ecrater.com
http://massauthentics.tumblr.com/

Anonymous takes down darknet child porn site on Tor network

2011-10-23T20:44:00.000-04:00

Anonymous takes down darknet child porn site on Tor network:

'via Blog this'

Freedom Hosting is the name of a hosting service for websites that want to keep their user list confidential. By Anonymous hacking Freedom and eliminating the MORE THEN 100 GB OF CHILD PORNOGRAPHY OFF just 1 of over 40 of these child porno websites that Freedom had hosted they are taking a small step in eradicating the abuse of minors. Obviously we will never rid the world of evil, we will never free our town, state, country or world of all of the sickness and depravity that exists in vile people such as the assholes that enjoy looking at our innocent children being sexually abused. However, each time Anonymous gets one more list of customers, one more file of the users, that's the chance to save 1 more little girl from being hurt next year, or that little boy from facing the darkness every day of his life after the suffering at the hands of these bastards.

I understand the hacking that anonymous does makes some people feel uncomfortable, saying the means don't justify the end result. I typically agree but I don't think it's as black and white in this specific situation, there's a grey area that exists with child abuse that will always take precedent in my mind. Someone's name and address don't just magically appear on a user-list of pedophiles visiting a kiddie porn website. Yes, there could be situations where someone with ulterior motives could hack in and add their cheating x boyfriend to the user-list before releasing it or something similar and that's way way beyond the line. But i'm going to take the Anonymous groups word until they give me a reason not to and just appreciate the fact that right now there are a few less pedophiles sitting in their moms basement watching video's of some poor innocent kid that has been abused for years and years be violated.

Until the next anonymous project gets underway, I say thank you again, it's important work, and if our government has guidelines and laws that these monsters can hide behind then i'm all for not just the hacking, shutting down and releasing of usernames but how about the police and prosecutors take notice and start looking into what charges they can file? It's not like Anonymous is being instructed to do this as a government agent so the information they obtained should still be permissible, GET THESE BASTARDS OFF OUR STREETS AND AWAY FROM OUR KIDS!

+Joshua Hastings
@joshuadavid1121
www.MassAuthentics.Ecrater.com
http://massauthentics.tumblr.com/

Man, Husband, Father, Grandpa, great-grandpa but you mean so much more!

2011-10-22T15:43:00.000-04:00

Photo courtesy of the talented Lisa Mikulski

Robert Rivet 3/21/39-5/24/11

I will never forget you and you will always have a special

place in my heart grandpa

http://www.kostanskifuneralhome.com/index.php/obituaries/details/775-robert-qbobq-e-rivet?pop=1&tmpl=component

It seems like it was just last week that I was talking with you on the phone grandpa, why did we happen to talk that night? May 23rd will forever be in my head because you said I love you to me after our conversation and I paused after we hung up and thought for a while. I really sat down while different scenario's ran through my head and then I smiled thinking about how much fun we used to have and went to work trying to find you the information you wanted. (He fixes tv in his spare time, he's one of those old kinda fix everything electronic guys and he had a bunch of old big tvs that wouldn't really work unless you had that adaptor now so he wanted me to use my online saavy and website to see about finding a vintage tv store or somewhere that may be interested in buying them/he didn't even want any money, he said for my work I could just keep it, that's the kind of man he was).

Before I ever got a chance to talk to him again and show him what i'd found he was gone. He had died unexpectedly after having a heart attack while driving going straight through a T intersection and over an embankment. From what evidence has been gathered he passed away before the accident so he didn't suffer anymore pain. The first thing I asked when I heard was did anyone else get hurt because he went through a red light and it was the middle of the afternoon. To the letter almost every person that knew him said that is what wouldve been most important to him was that no innocent bystanders were hurt due to his passing. That's the kind of man that he was. That is the man I am proud to say is my grandfather.

Rest in peace grandpa, I know your smiling when you read this and were all going to make it, I'm going to make you as proud as you made me I hope.

+Joshua Hastings

@joshuadavid1121

www.MassAuthentics.Ecrater.com

http://massauthentics.tumblr.com/

Operation Darknet....Karol Oilbhreis

2011-10-20T22:48:00.000-04:00

Below is the timeline of events from an online group that is dedicated to eradicating the internet community of the filth that is child pornography.....Some people such as myself find it absolutely disgusting and think that the violators should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law but are powerless to do anything about it except let +Karol Oilbhreis know what a great job I think they are doing. I am proud to say that I shared this and hope every single person that reads it does also. Even if it just helps one more site get shut down, then that's a step in the right direction.

Karol Oilbhreis - 10:30 PM (edited) - Public

Operation Darknet
------------------------
Timeline of Events
------------------------
At apprx 8:30 CST while browsing the Hidden Wiki we noticed a section called Hard Candy which was dedicated to links to child pornography. We then removed all links on the website, within 5 minutes the links were edited back in by an admin. For this reason, we will continue to make the Hidden Wiki unavailable.
--

At apprx 8:45 CST we noticed 95% of the child pornography listed on the Hidden Wiki shared a digital fingerprint with the shared hosting server at Freedom Hosting.
--

At apprx 9:00pm CST on October 14, 2011 We identified Freedom Hosting as the host of the largest collection of child pornography on the internet. We then issued a warning to remove the illegal content from their server, which they refused to do.
--

At apprx 11:30pm CST on October 14, 2011 We infiltrated the shared hosting server of Freedom Hosting and shutdown services to all clients due to their lack of action to remove child pornography from their server.
--

At apprx 5:00pm CST on October 15, 2011 Freedom Hosting installed their backups and restored services to their child pornography clients. We then issued multiple warnings to remove all child pornography from their servers, which Freedom Hosting refused to do.
--

At apprx 8:00pm CST on October 15, 2011 despite new security features, we once again infiltrated the shared hosting server at Freedom Hosting and stopped service to all clients.
--

------------------------
Our Statement
------------------------
The owners and operators at Freedom Hosting are openly supporting child pornography and enabling pedophiles to view innocent children, fueling their issues and putting children at risk of abduction, molestation, rape, and death.

For this, Freedom Hosting has been declared #OpDarknet Enemy Number One.

By taking down Freedom Hosting, we are eliminating 40+ child pornography websites, among these is Lolita City, one of the largest child pornography websites to date containing more than 100GB of child pornography.

We will continue to not only crash Freedom Hosting's server, but any other server we find to contain, promote, or support child pornography.

------------------------
Our Demands
------------------------
Our demands are simple. Remove all child pornography content from your servers. Refuse to provide hosting services to any website dealing with child pornography. This statement is not just aimed at Freedom Hosting, but everyone on the internet. It does not matter who you are, if we find you to be hosting, promoting, or supporting child pornography, you will become a target.

------------------------
Images & Misc
------------------------
Dead Server Screenshot: http://i55.tinypic.com/vy9w7k.jpg
--
Freedom Host PR Screenshot: http://i53.tinypic.com/o5qlip.jpg
--
Our Manifesto: Anonymous - Operation Darknet
--

#Antisec | #Anonymous | #FreeTopiary | #AnonOps | #FreeAnons | #OccupyWallSteet | #OWS

We are Anonymous.
We are Legion.
We do not forgive.
We do not forget.
Expect us.

------------------------
Server Information
------------------------
phpinfo() of FreedomHosting:
System FreeBSD server 8.2-RELEASE-p3 FreeBSD 8.2-RELEASE-p3 #0: Tue Sep 27 18:45:57 UTC 2011 root@amd64-builder.daemonology.net:/usr/obj/usr/src/sys/GENERIC amd64
Build Date Aug 26 2011 03:00:30
Configure Command './configure' '--with-layout=GNU' '--localstatedir=/var' '--with-config-file-scan-dir=/usr/local/etc/php' '--disable-all' '--enable-libxml' '--with-libxml-dir=/usr/local' '--with-pcre-regex=/usr/local' '--with-zlib-dir=/usr' '--program-prefix=' '--disable-cgi' '--with-apxs2=/usr/local/sbin/apxs' '--with-regex=php' '--with-zend-vm=CALL' '--disable-ipv6' '--prefix=/usr/local' '--mandir=/usr/local/man' '--infodir=/usr/local/info/' '--build=amd64-portbld-freebsd8.2'
Server API Apache 2.0 Handler
Virtual Directory Support disabled
Configuration File (php.ini) Path /usr/local/etc
Loaded Configuration File /usr/local/etc/php.ini
Scan this dir for additional .ini files /usr/local/etc/php
Additional .ini files parsed /usr/local/etc/php/extensions.ini
PHP API 20090626
PHP Extension 20090626
Zend Extension 220090626
Zend Extension Build API220090626,NTS
PHP Extension Build API20090626,NTS
Debug Build no
Thread Safety disabled
Zend Memory Manager enabled
Zend Multibyte Support disabled
IPv6 Support disabled
Registered PHP Streams php, file, glob, data, http, ftp, zip, compress.zlib
Registered Stream Socket Transports tcp, udp, unix, udg
Registered Stream Filters convert.iconv.*, string.rot13, string.toupper, string.tolower, string.strip_tags, convert.*, consumed, dechunk, zlib.*

Configuration
apache2handler
Apache Version Apache
Apache API Version 20051115
Server Administrator you@example.com
Hostname:Port xqz3u5drneuzhaeo.onion:0
User/Group www(80)/80
Max Requests Per Child: 10000 - Keep Alive: off - Max Per Connection: 100
Timeouts Connection: 900 - Keep-Alive: 60
Virtual Server Yes
Server Root /usr/local
Loaded Modules core prefork http_core mod_so mod_authz_host mod_file_cache mod_cache mod_disk_cache mod_filter mod_deflate mod_env mod_expires mod_headers mod_setenvif mod_mime mod_status mod_autoindex mod_dir mod_alias mod_rewrite mod_bw mod_php5 mod_alias_basedir mod_vhost_alias_frdmhst

Apache Environment
Variable Value
HTTP_HOST xqz3u5drneuzhaeo.onion
HTTP_CONNECTION close
HTTP_USER_AGENT Mozilla/5.0 (Windows NT 6.1; rv:5.0)
HTTP_ACCEPT text/html,application/xhtml+xml,application/xml;q=0.9,*/*;q=0.8
HTTP_ACCEPT_LANGUAGE en-us,en;q=0.5
HTTP_ACCEPT_CHARSET ISO-8859-1,utf-8;q=0.7,*;q=0.7
HTTP_DNT 1
HTTP_COOKIE visitz=0; sort=0a
PATH /bin:/usr/bin:/usr/ucb:/usr/bsd:/usr/local/bin
SERVER_SIGNATURE no value
SERVER_SOFTWARE Apache
SERVER_NAME xqz3u5drneuzhaeo.onion
SERVER_ADDR 10.0.1.2
SERVER_PORT 80
REMOTE_ADDR 10.0.1.2
DOCUMENT_ROOT /home/fh/www
SERVER_ADMIN you@example.com
SCRIPT_FILENAME /home/fh/users/l/i/lolitacity/www/index.php
REMOTE_PORT 56818
GATEWAY_INTERFACE CGI/1.1
SERVER_PROTOCOL HTTP/1.0
REQUEST_METHOD GET
QUERY_STRING no value
REQUEST_URI /users/lolitacity/index.php
SCRIPT_NAME /users/lolitacity/index.php

- Comment - Share

7 shares - Joshua Hastings, David Kokua, Gerard van Schip, Jo Jo Beans, Kevin Gault, Trenton Ray and Zac Thomas

4 comments

Joshua Hastings - GOOD.

10:31 PM - Edit

Zac Thomas - Bravo

10:33 PM

David Kokua - Share

10:41 PM

Trenton Ray - Burn that mother to the ground. Good job Anon.

10:42 PM

On a scale of 1-10 how funny is rape to you???

2011-10-19T14:50:00.000-04:00

When I hear the term "RAPE PAGES" I have a lot of different things run through my mind. None of them positive. You hear a lot in advertising and business there is no such thing as "bad" publicity.....and we've all seen it in action. Something like one of the many lawsuits that were brought against the owner and creator of Girls Gone Wild by parents of minor's that had been filmed, young women who had "performed" on video but don't remember consenting because of all of the alcohol they consumed, or just girls that say they didn't realize the paper that they signed was consent to have the images appear in ads/video's that were going to be distributed throughout the country and world. No one can say these were positive news stories for Joe whatever his name is, owner of the multi-million dollar franchise "girls gone wild" but guess what>? Every time that those images came across the scroll on channel 3, or another reporter brought the story to millions of homes across the world that was one more potential customer that had the chance to buy another dvd.

Did he make his money in the most straight forward, 100% honest, integrity in-tact way? No, i don't think he'd even say he is proud of some of the stories that have came out about his cameramen plying young girls to go further and further with excessive amounts of alcohol. But, and this is a big BUT...the idea was ingenious, and in general what he did was perfectly legal. The women that appear in those video's flashing their breasts to the camera knew what they were doing, they signed a consent form and put themselves in a position to be video taped because it sounded fun at the time, or their friends were doing it or for whatever other reason. Most of these "girls gone wild" tapings are not done at a random party where they just show up with a camera and an idea, there is massive amounts of advertising that goes into these events. 95% of the people that are at an event where they are taping, went there knowing either they wanted to go see some pretty girls that were drinking and going to be half naked, or knowing they wanted to flash the camera so they could get a free GGW t-shirt or hat. What i'm saying is, it's not usually a girl that went out to have a drink with her boyfriend and watch a baseball game on tv and relax and while her bf is distracted some shady character sneaks a roofie in her drink and sneaks her off to the basement to take advantage of her.

Save your outrage and anger for the women out there that deserve it. Rape is a huge problem throughout the world, whether it's a 3rd world country where rebels rape and pillage while causing a rain of terror or in downtown boston while a student walks home from a night out with her girlfriends, these disgusting actions can occur anywhere. I use the above example of Girls Gone Wild for a reason. The fact that facebook has decided to take a stand on something as ridiculous as what you will read below amazes me. In a time where they are potentially in the fight of their life to maintain there market share and this is the type of people you want to stand up for? I'm all for freedom of speech, but when they are clearly using it to incite these vile discussions among children it disgusts me. FACEBOOK IS SOMETHING THAT IS TARGETED AT KIDS in my opinion, I know kids as young as 10 years old that are on there and now they are exposed to things like "rape pages" where people are talking about rape fantasies, and other extreme examples openly? This is something your ok with your kid seeing? There is no verification to make sure only people over 18 look at it, no even place to ask that you check this box to signify that you are of legal age which would be nothing more then pretending your trying to keep kids out because anyone can just check the box but at least your pretending.....IT'S CLEAR TO ME WHY THINGS LIKE THIS ARE STILL OPEN.....BECAUSE THEY GET TRAFFIC AND TRAFFIC GET'S ADVERTISING DOLLARS AND ADVERTISING DOLLARS ARE IMPORTANT TO FACEBOOK, all i know is I will never have a facebook account and if after reading this you think you or your kids should then i think you need to read it again.

Controversy ... Facebook has refused to remove a page about rape. Photo: Getty Images

Nobody knows better than MJ Stephens that rape is no laughing matter. So as the victim of a sexual assault, she was horrified when she encountered the contents of a Facebook page full of jokes about rape and violence towards women.

But worse was to come when the young American tried to argue with people who had attached comments to a page called: "You know shes [sic] playing hard to get when your [sic] chasing her down an alleyway" - most of them teenagers and young adults from Australia and Britain.

In sickeningly explicit terms, several of them threatened her and expressed the wish that she be raped again.

Such pages, full of ugliness, aggression and pornographic language are multiplying on Facebook, drawing lucrative user traffic to the social networking site.

Now it has emerged that one of the "administrators" of the page - users with the right to edit its content - is believed to be a British schoolboy linked to a network of hackers in Australia, Britain and America who have set up Facebook pages featuring offensive sexual and violent content.

Micheal O'Brien, a Canadian computer systems engineer who co-founded the Rape Is No Joke (RINJ) campaign to pressure Facebook to delete "rape pages" via petitions and boycotts, has tracked the activity on several such pages and contacted participants online.

He told London's The Sunday Telegraph that associates of 4chan, a loose-knit collection of international "cyber-anarchists" who champion absolute online freedom, including the right to share pornography, have founded and administer several of the pages.

The RINJ's own website has been attacked by hackers and campaigners have been subjected to virulent online onslaughts since they started to draw attention to the 4chan connection last week. Pro-4chan images have also been posted to the "alleyway" page.

Facebook protects the identity of those who set up and run pages but Mr O'Brien has identified several posters as likely page administrators, including college students in Australia and a teenage boy in Britain.

With nearly 210,000 people indicating that they "like" it, and many million of monthly visitors, the "alleyway" page is the most popular. Others include "Abducting, raping and violently murdering your friend as a joke", "Pinning your mate down while someone HIV positive rapes him for a laugh", "Police call it a restraining order, we call it playing hard to get" and "Turning into a chain smoking sexual predator when you drink".

Many of the regular users who "post" on the pages are young Australians and Britons- many still at school, judging from information on their own Facebook profile pages. The website allows any child aged 13 or older to open an account.

Activists and victims' support groups in Britain and America, where Facebook is based, have urged the social networking site to shut down and remove the pages. But despite an online petition signed by more than 200,000 people worldwide, the internet giant is refusing to do so.

Facebook did not respond to repeated requests for comment by The Sunday Telegraph. But in response to previous complaints about the pages, the company has said that while they may express "outrageous or offensive" opinions, they do not violate its rules banning content that is hateful or incites violence.

"It is very important to point out that what one person finds offensive, another can find entertaining," a spokesman said. "Just as telling a rude joke won't get you thrown out of your local pub, it won't get you thrown off Facebook."

An administrator of the "rape page" posted an online defence in response to the controversy, insisting that he did not support or promote rape but then directing a sarcastic barb at critics.

"i d[o] not support rape this group doesn't," the person wrote, with a lack of grammar and in internet shorthand characteristic of many postings. "thanks for supporting us uve made us get even more likes i thank u for that but this group has not dne anything wrong according to the terms and cnditions f facebook groups s if it does get taken down it will result in court because it has done nothing wrong."

Jane Osmond, co-editor of the Women's Views on News website, which has led the campaign in Britain, said: "It's ludicrous to compare the content on this page to pub humour. Rape is a crime and we live in a society where the threat of rape is in the mind of every woman who has walked down a street alone at night. Making a joke about rape is not just not funny. It allows people to dismiss it as something not serious.

"Those who post in this way are certainly mostly teenage boys and young men saying inappropriate things, but we do believe that these sites have attracted sexual predators too. It is a dangerous group with some dangerous users."

Activists who have gone online to make their case, and to publish images for a campaign promoting consensual rather than forced sexual activity, have been subjected to such a violent response that some have complained to the police.

Campaigners on both sides of the Atlantic have now switched their attention to businesses as they believe Facebook is inclined to allow the pages to continue because of the viewers and hence advertising revenue they bring in.

"Facebook will only listen to money, so we are now targeting the advertisers who have appeared on their pages," said Miss Osmond.

Major companies that advertise on Facebook were furious to discover that their advertisements were appearing on the "rape page" and demanded they be removed. They included Barclays, 02, John Lewis, Sony, BlackBerry, American Express, Groupon, Heinz, National Lottery, the White Company and PepsiCo.

After complaints from several businesses to Facebook, the "alleyway" page was "whitelisted" last week, meaning that no adverts could be rotated on it. But advertisements continue to appear on other pages where the content was just as offensive.

You cant break. . . When you're already broken., Im a casualty of love.

2011-10-17T21:53:00.000-04:00

You cant break. . . When you're already broken., Im a casualty of love.:

'via Blog this'

Summary: This was a goodbye letter/suicide note that this kid posted to say goodbye to his friends and parents and apologize for what he's about to do, things like this are just so sad that I don't even know what to say. I know people who have felt like this, I have a friend who walked in to find his father hanging from the doorway in his basement before he was 10 years old, I had another friend overdose 'accidently' after about his 4 try at doing as many drugs as he could buy for a week and trying to complete the suicide before it finally happened, and I have personally felt so far down that I didn't think i'd ever find my way back to the light....sometimes it really is a miracle when kids make it through but they are resilient and more then anything they are all worth what it takes to help them.

If you think someone might be in trouble offer to talk, or better yet offer to listen, sometimes all it takes is someone understanding to vent everything that's been building up....

This is the kind of thing that happens when a child is abused sexually, mentally, physically, bullied, pressured to succeed by adults or not having anyone to show affection or love so they have the feeling of worthlessness or they are just plain overwhelmed with no one to go to....these are all things that kids can go through that many do and end up happy healthy adults because of the support system they have whether it's a friend, parents, uncle, aunt, teacher, coach ect. None of these have to result in tradegy but all of them can and have, everyday kids are exposed to choices that will affect them the rest of their lives.

Things like should they sneak out to that party down the street, should they drink at the party, should they leave with that boy they like, should they say no because there isn't a condom available, these are all common choices that instead of happening your junior and senior year of high school are now happening everywhere by 12-13-14 years old, and i'm serious...if you think that your kid hasn't been exposed to some pretty adult stuff by that age then either your really really sheltering them or your home schooling them and they don't have any friends.

Rather then pretending these scenario's don't exist educate and explain life as you go. You kid is better off hearing about sex and being a little embarassed about it from you then watching a porn with his friends at a sleepover and then at the next party thinking that he just should expect girls that are alone with him to have sex. Most porns don't have actors wearing protection either, that something you want your 13 year figuring is the right way? Put it this way, is it going to be more uncomfortable for you to explain to your son about what's going on before he's sexually active or have your son explain to you what his plan is for that girl he doesn't really know that's having his baby in 8 more months he just found out?

Stanley Cup riots -- Vancouver spa offers rioters incentive to turn themselves in - ESPN

2011-10-14T16:40:00.000-04:00

Stanley Cup riots -- Vancouver spa offers rioters incentive to turn themselves in - ESPN:

'via Blog this'

This is a unique way to fight crime, well I guess your not really "fighting" crime, more like your massaging the evil out of the body, mind and soul, haha. Probably one of the strangest proposals I have ever heard and the advertising/marketing ploy has been met with some negative reactions from people like Charles Gauthier of the Downtown Vancouver Business Improvement Association. The promotion is being run by Eccotique Spa which is in the Vancouver area but at press time no one has taken them up on their offer in exchange for confessing.

Personally, I think this is stupid but when people hear things like there is no bad press, just good and great things like this come to mind. How about you try rewarding the mature citizens who didn't destroy over a million dollars in property throughout downtown. Run a sale and match whatever they donate to help maintain all of the damage. Take a day off and have all your employees volunteer with cleanup and maintenance to help fix the problem instead of making a joke of it. Rioting after loses AND WINS has become a huge problem in the US lately. I live within 15 minutes of the University of Massachusetts and was present during a few of the recent championship victories of Boston Area teams like the Patriots, Celtics, Bruins and Red Sox and have seen the kind of damage that can happen. It turns into a mob mentality and goes from just kids cheering to throwing things and breaking everything in sight instantly. It needs to be taken seriously and making a joke of it like that isnt helping....

It's 3 simple words but you deserve so much more "I love you"

2011-10-09T18:26:00.000-04:00

Sometimes we all forget just how lucky we are to have someone in our life that loves us unconditionally, is always there whether you struck out in your
little league game, missed the game winning shot in the basketball game, tripped
and fumbled and cost your team the football game, got a C on the paper you spent
all night writing, waiting till the last minute to tell them about the cookies
your supposed to bring to the party for the whole football team, or even if you
call at 3 am needing a ride home because you don't think you should
drive........

My mom has been there for me through everything above and that is just a
small slice of what we have been through together, I will never take what she
has done for granted and I smile just thinking of how amazing she is. Anyone who
is lucky enough to spend time with my mother knows immediately why I feel this
way. From giving friends a place to sleep when they had no where else to go,
offering rides to friends that couldn't call their own parents and bother them
when they have work in the morning because they can't drive even though she gets
up everyday at 4:30 am for work, and everything in between that I can't fit in
this short story or it would be 1,000 pages. I can't put into words how
important you and everything you have done has meant to me but you've taught me
what it means to be a good person, about morality, standing up for what I
believe in even if its not popular and being kind to everyone whether you agree
with them or not you can always treat them with respect.

Now this time I have 4 words that you deserve to hear more but I will never let you hear
them less, I LOVE YOU MOM.

Better then most-1

2011-10-05T02:25:00.000-04:00

The first memories I have of my parents together they were always smiling, kissing, laughing together, dad playing catch with me outside, mom cooking lunch inside for us and watching my sister while my little brother tried to play catch too but wasn't quite old enough to really do it. It was as good as it got I think looking back, it got worse and worse every year that I can remember, almost everything i've known is gone now but that's a later story.

Growing up in my house was as all-american as you could get. My dad coached every sports team my brother and I played on until I got to high school and even then he coached 2 different teams at my high school. There was 3 of us kids, I'm Kaleb the oldest, then came Kyle who was 2.5 years behind me and then Kristen who was 3 years behind Kyle. My mom was a stay at home mom for most of our childhood because that's just how it was normally. I didn't think she minded until later on when things started getting bad, then again I don't know if they were ever actually "good", maybe I just saw what I wanted to see when I was younger. On the outside looking in we had the perfect family, at least that's what everyone in town thought. Dad was perfect, went to the army right out of high school, came back and became a police officer, after working his way up made it to chief of police, always around to coach, good husband, father, son. That's the side of dad everyone on the outside knew, the sober, police officer, coach, and husband....

Ok, a little backround to start. I was born on an army base because obviously my father was in the army which he enlisted right out of high school and was based in the South. My mother got pregnant with me when she was 18 and they were living together, I was born when they were only 19. This was not that unusual in that time though, in the early 80's a lot of people got married around that age. This was November 1983 and their families were both so excited to see me arrive, I was the first child in the family that generation.

Now a backround of how my parents grew up so you'll understand how I was punished, rebelled, spoken to, lived, and reacted to how I was brought up. Both parents had a pretty middle class white typical upbringing but their parents were polar opposite in their beliefs.

My mother's parents were together since they were in grade school and were still together until this past August when my grandfather died of a heart attack out of the blue while driving. It was really hard on my grandma, she has never known anything but him, never been apart for more then 2 weeks in the last 56 years and those 2 weeks were vacationing visiting my moms sister, my aunt, in Florida and they talked everyday. They were both laid back, quiet people who were active in their kids lives and community but passive personalities. They had 4 kids, all girls and my mother was the oldest.
My parents grew up in a towns that were both mostly white at the time and they lived about 5-10 minutes apart. I can only remember my grandfather raising his voice about talking level 1 time in the 27 years I knew him and that was yelling at a baseball game when I stuck someone out, it was one of the best memories of my childhood with him. He was a churchgoing man and that was very important to him, much more then to the rest of our family. My grandmother was a closet alcoholic for almost her entire life. I didn't know this until she was arrested for a DUI about 2 years ago. It was a family secret that was kept just as that, a secret. She hid it well, only vodka, straight, and only did it in private, i never saw her drink even a glass of wine in my life.

Up until the divorce though or at least up until they fought so much we knew eventually they would get divorced they still played the happy family everything is beautiful bullshit part in public. Almost no one even had any clue it was coming when they started telling ppl because that's just how fake it was. It was be a smile and a pagent wave walking in the house and the as the door closes you'd hear, "your such a god damn asshole, couldn't even help me carry all this" then "just shut up, i'm so sick of listening to you complain, everyday it's the same bitching". They pretended for my brother to a point and then gave up, but a lot of it was for my sister, she was still pretty young and didn't understand what was happening.

Dad's home life growing up was somewhat like mine probably, or at least it had similarities. His parents divorced and both remarried just like mine, his dad had a temper that could get pretty volitale and his father drank. They didn't talk for many years after he was older and moved out and that's something I went through too. His father was a lot more strict then his mother just like mine and he started drinking and partying pretty young from what i've been told just like me. You'll hear the details of all of this and some of the stories later on. My father played sports growing up just like I did, but his dad and grandfather owned a farm so they wern't as into sports. I think that's a lot of the reason he always tried to be around to coach my teams, he felt like it's something he never had and wanted it to be different for me.

People don't know exactly how hard it is to play for your father, especially my father. Some dad's are the ones that favor their kids and show them off, brag about them when there not athletic ect....that wasn't my dads way to do things. I had to try twice as hard as the other kids just to not be doing something wrong, I had to not just be good, I had to do everything perfect. I had a year in little league that I literally gave up 2 hits. Not gave up 2 hits in a game I pitched, I LITERALLY WAS A PITCHER THAT THREW 8 NO HITTERS AND 2 GAMES I GAVE UP 1 HIT EACH. A total of 2 hits the entire year off me. I think I heard something about that from him twice, and that was a few years later.

Now that you have a little backround I'll get into when I had my first drink, when I was 11, and when I was arrested for the first time, when I was 12. It's going to be a story with a lot of highs and a lot of lows but I made it through college and out into the world but it's wasn't easy and I didn't have very much support as you'll see.....hope you get something out of this, that's why i'm telling my story, cause maybe there's someone out there that thinks no one will understand, and they can't take one more bad thing their kid does. I've done more things wrong then I can fit into this book and i've had supportive parents at times and i've had absentee parents for a lot of age 16-23 but I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. Some of it made me stronger, some showed exactly what I don't want to be like or what I don't want to say to my kid when I have one. If there is anyone reading this that needs someone to talk to ever, just let me know, i'm more then happy to help, it's what i've been put on the earth to do now, teach....