The Americans Are Coming!

Sarah Palin Removes Face Mask At Book Signing: Reveals She's Really Spiro Agnew

noreply@blogger.com (Liar Law) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 05:28:00 +0000

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today ripped off the face mask she has worn in public for the last 11 years, revealing herself to be a remarkably well-preserved former Vice President Spiro T. Agnew.

"Governor of a small, inconsequential state," Palin/Agnew told a hastily assembled Del Rio, Texas news conference. "Raised from obscurity by a Presidential candidate who was never embraced by the Republican right wing. Attack dog and cultural and media critic. I'm baaaaack!"

Palin/Agnew told reporters that she/he was the "kind of phenomenon that recurs every 40 years in American politics--a totally unqualified media celebrity-turned-VP candidate with nothing to offer the nation."

Palin/Agnew said that she/he "had learned the mistakes of the past and was not likely to be caught up in some sort of corruption scandal" as did Agnew in 1973.

"I could have been the Spiro of '76," Palin/Agnew told reporters. "But instead, I'm going all the way in 2012. After all, President Obama has shown the nation that just because you're totally unqualified to deal with America's problems doesn't mean you can't win in a massive landslide."

Gates Thinks We'll Win Afghan War, Sees Dow At 30,000, Men On Mars

noreply@blogger.com (Liar Law) — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 22:13:00 +0000

Secretary of State Robert Gates today issued an upbeat assessment of America's chances of prevailing in the war in Afghanistan, telling a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that "anybody who doesn't think we'll win is a spoilsport and totally uncool."

Gates also said he expects the Dow to soar to 30,000 by year-end, that men will land on Mars by April, that the I.R.S. will be abolished because once we win the war in Afghanistan we can finance the federal government on opium sales, and that the New York Mets will defeat the Kansas City Royals in four games in this October's World Series.

Gates, wearing dark glasses and speaking very slowly, told reporters that "everything is really fantastic" and that he was speaking for the President when he said that he was "really hungry" and wanted to know if "anybody here has any chocolate chip cookies."

The Secretary of Defense also told reporters that the Afghan people were "really cool, really trippy" and that he "dug their far-out flowing robes."

He concluded the press conference by extending the peace sign to reporters and informing them that "not only is Afghanistan winnable, but we'll stop off on the way home and kick the s--- out of Vietnam for good measure."

The White House was not available for comment because all West Wing employees were in the newly constructed meth lab located in the Rose Garden.

In Surprise Move, Patriots Trade Gisele Bundchen to Cowboys For Jessica Simpson, Draft Picks

noreply@blogger.com (Michael Levin) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 22:48:00 +0000

On the eve of the upcoming NFL season, the New England Patriots have traded quarterback Tom Brady's wife, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, to the Dallas Cowboys for quarterback Tony Romo's girlfriend, model/actress/whatever Jessica Simpson, plus two third round draft choices in the 2011 draft.

"We think that Simpson can shake up our offense," Patriots coach Bill Belichick told a hastily assembled Foxboro news conference. "Since his injury, [Tom] Brady has been spending too long in the pocket. We think the addition of Simpson will increase his lateral mobility."

Belichick said that Jerry Jones was "more than eager" to accept Bundchen in exchange for Simpson and the draft choices, because "Jerry said he still blames Simpson for distracting Romo from the playoffs a couple of years back. Jerry also says that Bundchen is the only quarterback girlfriend in the NFL whose legs are long enough to stretch across that big new scoreboard of his."

When asked whether Simpson's long mane of blonde hair, leggy supermodel body, and "come hither eyes" would distract the Patriots from their mission of returning to the Super Bowl, he replied, "I'd rather look at her across the field than Plaxico Burress, and I think I'm speaking for most if not all of the team when I say that."

Sick Kids Hold Telethon To Benefit Jerry Lewis

noreply@blogger.com (Michael Levin) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 22:19:00 +0000

"Have you seen Jerry lately?" Freddy Johnston, age 7, asked a hastily assembled Las Vegas news conference. "He looks horrible. So we sick kids of America are going to have a telethon this year to support Jerry Lewis. He's done so much for us. It's time for us to give back."

Johnston suffers from a rare form of leukemia called Fernofel's Syndrome, which has no known symptoms and no known causes and has never been responsible for the death of a child but does require approximately $78,000 per year in prescription drugs.

"Jerry Lewis has done so much for children," Johnston said. "But he looks worse than any of us. The idea that he would stay up all night again just to help us--we just can't handle it. So we're going to take care of him this year."

Johnston said that if his parents let him stay up late, he and the other sick kids hoped to raise "somewhere in the area of $4.25 for Mr. Lewis. It's not much, but maybe he can buy some Advil or something. Because it looks like there's no cure for the telethon, and that's just not something we kids can feel good about."

"The View" Wins Daytime Emmy For Best Show Involving Women Of Various Races, Ages, Political Viewpoints, and Attractiveness Fawning Over Guests

noreply@blogger.com (Michael Levin) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 17:06:00 +0000

"The View" took home a Daytime Emmy today for Best Show Involving Women Of Various Races, Ages, Political Viewpoints, and Attractiveness Fawning Over Guests. It was the only show in the category and won with 42% of the vote.

"

Lockerbie Bomber Says Prison Was Okay, Except For The Haggis

noreply@blogger.com (Liar Law) — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 04:03:00 +0000

Convicted and released Lockerbie bomber Abdel Baset al-Megrahi told a hastily assembled Tripoli news conference that he was grateful to his Scottish captors for releasing him because he was "sick not of imprisonment but of haggis."

Al-Megrahi said that the steady diet of haggis, Scotland's traditional dish made of sheep's lung, had contributed to his terminal illness and that he would not have minded staying in prison if it were not for the dish.

"Haggis for breakfast, haggis for lunch, haggis for dinner," al-Megrahi told reporters. "I liked the Scottish people I met including my prison guards, the golfers I met, the people who sang that song about 'O Flower of Scotland.' Very beautiful. But that haggis completely ruined my system. I petitioned for corn flakes, but all I could get was haggis, haggis, haggis."

Al-Megrahi said that his sole regret in life was that he did not bring down a jumbo jet over northern Italy.

"Fettucini, risotto, polenta, calimari," al-Megrahi told reporters in a dreamy tone of voice. "Anybody got an Alitalia schedule?"

Sharpton Claims LAPD Investigating Jackson Homicide "Only Because He's White"

noreply@blogger.com (Liar Law) — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 03:23:00 +0000

Reverend Al Sharpton today told a hastily assembled Brooklyn, New York news conference that the reason Michael Jackson's death was still the subject of an LAPD homicide investigation is "only because he's white."

"Plenty of African Americans are killed every day," Rev. Sharpton told reporters. "But their deaths are never investigated. Police just write them off as gang killings. But when a white man dies, the Los Angeles Police Department springs into action."

"If Michael Jackson had been a Black man," Sharpton said, "this would never be happening. It's like I always say--when there's justice, there's just us."

Lynn Jenkins: "I Meant Waist-High Grope, Not Great White Hope"

noreply@blogger.com (Liar Law) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 04:04:00 +0000

Kansas freshman Congresswoman Lynn Jenkins today told a hastily assembled Wichita news conference that she had been "viciously misquoted" by a "vast left-wing media conspiracy" and that she had not said the Republicans were looking for a "great white hope" to run against President Barack Obama in 2012.

"I never said great white hope," Jenkins told reporters. "What I said was, I was so lonely and deprived of male physical contact that I was hoping to receive a waist-high grope from someone, preferably a man built like one of those Chippendales or Thunder Down Under guys you see in Vegas."

Jenkins, who has lived in Kansas all her life, told reporters that "I meant nothing against President Obama. My remark wasn't even political in nature. I'm just a lonely, lonely woman and the Congressmen I've met in D.C. are far more interested in having affairs with their underage pages than with a mature, robust woman like myself."

The Congresswoman told reporters that "while my comment obviously had been twisted by the liberal media to imply that we needed a white man to beat Obama, my intent was purely sexual. One waist-high grope and I'll be feeling like my old self again."

Police Find Evidence Of Food, Coffee, A Few Magazines At Michael Jackson's House

noreply@blogger.com (Liar Law) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 03:56:00 +0000

Acting on a tip from friends of the late singer, Los Angeles police investigators turned up evidence of peanut butter, instant coffee, and several month-old copies of TV Guide and Us Magazine.

"We expected heroin, dead bodies, and possibly children who had been taken as long-time hostages by Mr. Jackson," Ulf Rassindorf, a spokesman for the Los Angeles Police Department, told a hastily assembled Los Angeles news conference.

"We found none of those things," Rassindorf told reporters. "But we did find evidence that Mr. Jackson liked peanut butter sandwiches, with the crusts cut off, while he watched TV."

Reports had been circulating that the late pop star had been addicted to various drugs and that a police search of his home would turn up incriminating evidence.

"There's no law against liking Jif," Rassindorf said. "And while it's not exactly masculine to have the crusts cut off, it's not something we'd build a case around. In any event, the last time I checked, the late Mr. Jackson was still dead, so who really cares what he had in his house?"

Rassindorf pointed out that "although many people would not have chosen him for a babysitter or mother's helper, he did have enough money that he did not have to look for jobs in those fields. Here at LAPD, our attitude toward Mr. Jackson, quite frankly, is 'case closed.'"

Age Of Taiwanese Little Leaguer Doubted When His Wife, Kids Appear At Ballpark

noreply@blogger.com (Liar Law) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 04:46:00 +0000

Chien Hsu, the star pitcher for Taiwan's entry in the Little League World Series, was eliminated from the roster when his wife and three young children visited him in the clubhouse after Wednesday's qualifying game.

Hsu, 37, told a hastily arranged Williamsport, Pennsylvania news conference that he "deeply regretted" the confusion over his age. Hsu was listed on the team roster as being 14.

"I am truly sorry to have brought shame upon my family and nation," Hsu said, sporting razor stubble and a partially visible shoulder tattoo apparently depicting a Budweiser label. "I did not understand the rules of Little League. I thought that since I was little--I am just over five feet tall--I qualified."

Hsu said that he thought Little League was similar to 6 feet-and-under basketball leagues, which are popular in the United States.

"My children kept saying, 'Daddy, Daddy, you are so old compared with your teammates," Hsu told reporters. "I did find it odd that none of them smoked or were married, just me."

Hsu was to have pitched in the championship game in the Asia bracket for a Taiwan team considered, until his dismissal, the favorite in the annual event. He had pitched Taiwan to sixteen consecutive world championships, a fact that admittedly had raised eyebrows with Little League fans around the world.

"It's a relief," Hsu admitted. "Playing with 12- and 13-year-olds is hard. They swing and miss, they cry. They win, they make fart jokes. Until we talked, they knew nothing about where babies come from. From now on, I will only play with people my own age."

Spokesman for Kennedy Family Says Chappaquidick References Are “Tasteless”

noreply@blogger.com (Liar Law) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 00:02:00 +0000

“Reminding people that the late, great Senator Edward M. Kennedy got drunk and abandoned a woman to drown, at a time of adulation and reverence not seen since the tragic passing of Lady Di, is tasteless,” Nelson Kefiddle, a spokesman for the Kennedy family, told a hastily assembled Hyannisport news conference.

“Letting younger generations know that the man they look up to as the conscience of the Senate and the champion of the underprivileged was married at the time he drove drunk and caused the death of an innocent young woman, who was not his wife, really is not the height of good taste,” Kefiddle told reporters.

“Bringing up the fact that a man honored today as a paragon of justice was never brought to justice for the death he caused, and did not even receive a DUI or even a traffic violation, because he was rich and powerful, whereas if you or I had committed the same crime, we would still be in state prison, getting our salads tossed by Bobo, is just inappropriate and regrettable,” Kefiddle added.

“I mean, singling out Ted Kennedy for remembering his act of absolute inhumanity, not to mention an affront to marriage, not just his but all of ours, at a time when other celebrities like Michael Jackson get a free pass, is totally unjustifiable,” Kefiddle told reporters. “After all, nobody died at Neverland.”

Afghans Celebrate "Free And Fair" Elections By Slaughtering Hundreds

noreply@blogger.com (Liar Law) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 23:47:00 +0000

The Afghani people today celebrated their "free and fair" elections by slaughtering hundreds of innocent men, women, children, and the elderly, according to Afghanistan government spokesman Salad Al-Din told a hastily assembled Kabul news conference.

"We kill because we care," al-Din said. "These are not just acts of violence but 'statement' killings, which shows how deeply we respect our balloting process. We kill old, defenseless people to remind us that all people, of any age, must live in dignity.

"We kill innocent children to symbolize the fact that children are the future and we want to have a better future than we have today," al-Din added. "And we kill women because they are the infidel."

Al-Din told reporters that if there is a runoff election between incumbent Hamid Karsai and his main challenger, the surprise write-in candidate Sarah Palin, "we will kill even more people, because in our nation, the bullet and the ballot are one."

Madoff Girlfriend Claims Her Hair Was Victim Of Ponzi Scheme

noreply@blogger.com (Liar Law) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 16:46:00 +0000

Sheryl Weinstein, self-described mistress of disgraced financier Bernie Madoff, today told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference that her hair been the victim of a hairdressers' Ponzi scheme.

"They knew I had Bernie's money," Weinstein said, "and they just passed me from one hairdressing station to the next. Every haircutter in the salon wanted to give me a different look, because they knew I was an extravagant tipper. Before I knew it, I had been through a dozen different haircutters, and they each charged me a fortune. My hair looks like it was done by committee."

Weinstein told reporters that Madoff "must really have loved me, because with his money, he could have had any woman, and he stuck with me. I mean, look at me! That's love."

Weinstein said that she was selling her memoirs to pay for therapy sessions, due to her despondency over Madoff's incarceration.

"Where is a woman who looks me going to get another billionaire?" she lamented. "Again, I mean, look at me! And Bernie...he doesn't call and he doesn't write..."

Sarah Palin In Surprise Runoff For Presidency Of Afghanistan

noreply@blogger.com (Liar Law) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 15:06:00 +0000

Former Alaska Governor, Republican vice presidential candidate and swimsuit model Sarah Palin was reported to have received more than 40 percent of the vote in this week's Afghanistan presidential elections, thus forcing her into a runoff with incumbent President Karzai.

"It's an honor," a surprised Palin told a hastily assembled Wasilla, Alaska news conference. "I didn't even know I was running."

Reports have surfaced that Afghani voters were offered nylons and Hershey bars in exchange for writing in Palin's name on their ballots. A spokesman for the Democratic Party denied involvement.

Report: Alleged Model Killer Thought He Was Trying Out For New Fox Reality Show, "Hey, I'm A Murder-Suicide Committer!"

noreply@blogger.com (Liar Law) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 15:00:00 +0000

Royal Canadian Mounted Police spokesman Eric Fonderman today told a hastily assembled Vancouver, British Columbia news conference that alleged model killer Ryan Jenkins appeared to have acted on the mistaken belief that he was trying out for a new Fox reality TV show, "Hey! I'm A Murder Suicide Committer!"

"Evidence we have reviewed," Fonderman told reporters, "indicates that Mr. Jenkins believed he was being considered as a contestant for a TV reality show. Everything involving the alleged murder of his ex-wife, and his own suicide, points to that incorrect assumption."

Fonderman said that Mr. Jenkins had left more than a dozen phone and text messages for Fox executives, asking them whether his "body of work" was sufficient for his inclusion on the new show, scheduled to air starting in September.

"When it appeared that he wasn't going to make the show," Fonderman told reporters, "Mr. Jenkins appeared to take the news pretty hard. He really thought he had a chance to make the show. Reality TV can be a cruel mistress."

Budweiser Denies Endorsement Deal With Woman To Be Caned In Malaysia

noreply@blogger.com (Liar Law) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 23:46:00 +0000

A spokesman for Budweiser today denied that the brewery was seeking to craft an endorsement deal with the Malaysian woman to be caned next month for drinking beer in public.

“We are not looking to involve ourselves in what we consider an internal matter in that country,” Moe Blathington, a corporate spokesman, told a hastily assembled St. Louis, Missouri news conference. “We are certainly not looking to turn this into a commercial opportunity.”

Blathington denied a report that Budweiser had ordered its top executives to Malaysia to strike a million dollar endorsement deal with the woman in question, a 32-year-old nurse, mother, and part-time model.

He also denied a report that the brewery’s primary ad agency, the Chicago office of DDB Worldwide Communication Group, had already created a series of storyboards based on a series of ads intended to appeal to men 21-35 years of age and had been testing campaigns with focus groups.

According to published reports, the ad campaigns had these taglines:

Bottoms Up!

Budweiser…The Butt-Meister!

Whipping The Competition

Citizen Cane

Good To The Last Swat

Whip It! Whip It Good!

Blathington denied that the most successful ad tagline, the one that had the most success with focus groups, was This Butt’s For You!

“We’re a caring company,” Blathington said. “We would never seek to capitalize on someone else’s misfortune. Well, maybe just this once.”

Red Sox Seek Move To National League East

noreply@blogger.com (Liar Law) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 22:29:00 +0000

"It's not fair," Red Sox principal owner John Henry told a hastily assembled Boston news conference. "The teams in the American League East are too good. The National League is like Double-A ball compared to what we have to face. We want out."

Henry sought "compassionate leave" status from Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig for the bloodied and brutalized Red Sox, who dropped a weekend series to the longtime rival New York Yankees.

"This isn't whining," Henry said. "It's a demonstration of absolute failure and frustration on our part. We can't compete, even with a Yankee team like this one, held together with spit and baling wire."

"We've done our part for baseball," Henry said. "A century of rivalry with the Yankees and the Orioles, and now the Rays and Blue Jays, too? Give us a break. We'd rather face off against the Mets and the other dregs of society over there in the National League Least."

Henry said that his team had "deliberately given up all those runs to the Yankees" in order to lull the New York team into a "state of complacency. We've got them just where we want them. It's just that we don't want to be here anymore."

Henry said that if Selig didn't let the Red Sox move into the National League "by the end of the regular season," he would "pick up his players and go home."

Struggling Red Sox Activate Tom Seaver, Gaylord Perry, Juan Marichal, Bob Feller, And The Late Cy Young

noreply@blogger.com (Liar Law) — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 01:30:00 +0000

The struggling Boston Red Sox, barely keeping pace with the Texas Rangers in the race for the wild card in the American League, have activated 14 former league pitchers including Tom Seaver, Gaylord Perry, Bob Feller, and the late Cy Young in an effort to keep from falling into baseball oblivion.

"We're doing everything we can," Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein told a hastily assembled Boston news conference. "These guys are major leaguers and in some cases Hall of Famers. We're just looking for them to eat up some innings so we can get to Papelbon and have a chance."

Epstein said that "the fact that some of these guys are dead is an impediment, but not an impossibility. I mean, even dead guys can surely do better than Brad Penny and John Smoltz."

Jackson Family To Display Michael’s Body On 50-City Tour

noreply@blogger.com (Liar Law) — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 01:16:00 +0000

“It’s all about giving the people what they want,” Ira Brackower, a spokesman for the Jackson family, today told a hastily assembled Hollywood news conference. “The people have spoken. They want to see Michael, no matter what.”

Brackower held the news conference to inform the public as to the reason for the heretofore unexplained delay in Jackson’s burial. Jackson had been scheduled to be buried at Forest Lawn in September, but the event will be postponed until after the tour.

“People already bought their tickets,” Brackower told reporters. “They wanted to see Michael, they wanted to hear the songs, and they wanted to see the dancing. So the songs will be recorded, the dancing will be on a big video screen, and Michael will be, well, present.”

When reporters asked whether displaying Jackson’s body on a 50-city tour was “ghoulish and materialistic,” Brackower replied, “No more so than any of his albums since Thriller.”

Pallin: Let's Offshore The Working Class, Starting With My Husband

noreply@blogger.com (Michael Levin) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 03:35:00 +0000

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, kicking off an unofficial bid for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination, today recommended offshoring America's working class, starting with her husband Todd.

"The work has gone offshore, so let the working class follow," Palin told a hastily assembled Beverly Hills, California news conference. "And let my husband Todd lead the parade."

Palin, who recently bought herself a $5 million Beverly Hills estate, $1 million worth of jewels, and $3 million worth of Bowie knives, from the proceeds of the sale of the rights to her first book, denied that money has changed her attitudes toward working people.

"I never liked them," Palin admitted to reporters. "They're always so...busy. Working. Commuting. Complaining. I say that America is for Americans who can afford America. And if you can't afford to be here, go pick another country to live in."

Palin denied that she wanted to establish "worker panels" to determine which unemployed American workers had the lowest likelihood of finding a new job.

"That's a terrible rumor," she said, "although it would be a great thing if we could get our country down to, say, 200 million, which would cover the number of people in the United States who actually have jobs."

Palin also denied reports that her first action as President would be to issue an Executive Order sending her husband Todd to a fishing trawler fleet in Northern Siberia.

"Todd who?" Palin asked reporters, cupping a hand around her ear. "I don't know anyone named Todd. At least, I thought I knew him. Next question?"

Plaxico Seeks Lighter Sentence On Grounds He Wounded, Not Killed, Himself

noreply@blogger.com (Michael Levin) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 01:44:00 +0000

“If I had killed myself,” former New York Giant Plaxico Burriss told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference, “I believe I would be entitled to the two-year sentence I got. But since I didn’t, I shouldn’t be in prison so long.”

Burriss shot himself in the leg while visiting a Manhattan nightclub. Since his handgun was unregistered, he was in violation of New York State’s firearms laws. A judge today sentenced him to two years in prison.

“It wasn’t that big a deal,” Burriss told reporters. “People get shot in clubs every day of the week. If somebody gets killed, give them a long time in prison. If I had killed myself, put my a-- away for a long stretch. I get that. But I just wounded myself. I think I should just get probation.”

Burriss said that if he were given probation and shot and killed himself, he would “willingly turn myself in. It would be the least I could do, because if I kill myself, there’s no telling who I would kill next.”

Disspirited Terrell Owens "Can't Buy A Headline"

noreply@blogger.com (Michael Levin) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 21:32:00 +0000

Bills running back Terrell Owens was admitted to a Buffalo, New York hospital with "mild to severe depression over his inability to get any attention from the football world," team spokesman Ed Gurt told a hastily assembled Buffalo news conference.

"He's just feeling down," Gurt told reporters. "He's come out to the practice field naked, diverted a busload of Make-A-Wish kids to a nude dance club, where he had them shower the dancers with hundred dollar bills, and threatened the lives of seven world leaders. And he can't buy a headline, what with Favre and Vick getting all the ink."

Owens is used to a much higher level of attention, Gurt said, in cities with more volatile media outlets and fan bases.

"Here in Buffalo, we don't get too high and we don't get too low," Gurt said.

Owens was "doing better" on the unlocked unit, Gurt indicated, and has abandoned plans to go over Niagara Falls "in nothing but a jockstrap" and to demand that the other 10 men on the offensive unit "sit down on the turf" while he runs plays against other teams in single combat.

"Terrell will be fine," Gurt said. "At some point, Brett and Michael Vick will fade into the background and Terrell will get his regular share of attention on SportsCenter. Until then, well, Buffalo plus Terrell Owens equals the sound of crickets."

O.J. Simpson, Learning DNA Can Be Faked, Seeks Murder Retrial

noreply@blogger.com (Michael Levin) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 20:43:00 +0000

"I'm convinced that new evidence will demonstrate that I didn't kill anybody," O.J. Simpson told a hastily assembled Ely State Prison, Ely, Nevada news conference. "They lied about my DNA. The truth will come out."

Simpson, apparently responding to a report that scientists in Israel revealed that DNA evidence could be fabricated, maintained his innocence in the killing of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman.

"I will be set free any day now," Simpson said. "As soon as I can get my lawyers on this, I will be released."

Simpson told reporters that his conviction was "wrong" and that he had been found guilty "due to DNA evidence that that white policeman made up about me."

Reporters reminded Mr. Simpson that he had actually been found not guilty in the criminal trial concerning the murders of Simpson and Goldman.

After a long, puzzled silence, Mr. Simpson asked reporters, "Then why am I in prison?"

Aging Favre Apologizes For Torturing Dogs; Says He "Doesn't Recall"

noreply@blogger.com (Michael Levin) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:56:00 +0000

An aging Brett Favre today told a hastily assembled Minneapolis news conference that while he was glad to be back in the NFL, he had "no recollection" of torturing or harming dogs.

"I've been reading all the headlines," Favre, 57, told reporters, "and maybe I've taken too many hits on the football field, but I don't recall ever doing anything bad to dogs like I've been reading about."

Favre said he had a dog named "Poochie", a play on the football term "pooch kick," but "I never did anything to him worse than, you know, hit him on the snout with a newspaper when he peed on my wife's Persian rug. Otherwise, I would never do anything mean to an animal."

When a reporter pointed out that Philadelphia quarterback Michael Vick was responsible for dog torture, not Favre, Favre whistled and sighed in relief.

"I get confused," Favre admitted. "But I'll say this. I couldn't be prouder than to be wearing the uniform of the San Diego Redskins. I mean the Pittsburgh Cowboys. I mean, um, the Vikings. That's it, the Vikings."

Aryan Nation, Klan, Mexican Mafia, 7 Porn Stars Endorse ObamaCare

noreply@blogger.com (Michael Levin) — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 01:41:00 +0000

President Obama's struggling health care bill received a series of unexpected--and perhaps not entirely welcome--shots in the arm when a variety of socially unacceptable entities gave the plan their full endorsement.

"We love ObamaCare," Don Bonger, Chairman of the National Alliance of Unacceptable Societies, Entities, and Associations, an alliance of racist groups, criminal gangs, and porn stars, told a hastily assembled Boise, Idaho news conference. "It's got something for all of us."

Bonger told reporters that many members of the various entities that make up NAUSEA "don't pay taxes, won't pay taxes, hate foreign doctors, or have nasty diseases" that ObamaCare would cover.

"We hate America," Bonger said. "We see this healthcare plan as a way to bankrupt the nation within five to ten years, while giving our members free treatment for everything from cooties to swine flu. Having this healthcare system in place almost makes up for the fact that the President is--well, everybody knows what he is."