This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.

She shook her head. ”How did it go?” the doctor asked.

”Terrible, doctor, terrible.”

”Did it not work?”

”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”

”Then what is the problem, ma’am?”

”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a
problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could
deal with that once we are married.”

She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy
off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one
another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream
and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”

“Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

The blond came back, “Maybe, but my mother is better than yours.”

“That’s what my father says.”

“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy.
“I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. ”
I saw the five o’clock news too.
I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

“About 32,” is the reply.

“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.”

The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”ps5.jpg

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question.

The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires
you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes
her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay…How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

The old man says, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”