Funny Quotes - Funny Jokes

Washington State Smaller Counties

2009-07-30T12:22:00.002-07:00

Funny Quotes

JOKE: RURAL COUNTIES IN WASHINGTON

You know you are from one of the smaller counties in WASHINGTON if:

Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars behind a log truck at a traffic
light.

"Vacation" means going to Seattle or Portland for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

You use a down comforter in the summer.

Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through a raging rainstorm without
flinching.

You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.

You think of the major food groups as elk meat, beer, fish, and berries.

You carry jumper cables in your pickup and your wife knows how to use them.

There are 3 empty cars running in the parking lot at the AM/PM at any given
time.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a raincoat.

Driving is better in the winter because almost everybody stays home.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still raining, and
construction.

It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a
rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.

You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends in
Washington State.

Funny Quotes

Funny Truck Accident Joke

2009-07-25T02:59:00.000-07:00

A large truck crashed into the water on Martha's Vineyard this week.

It was carrying a massive load of oranges, and it began to careen out of
control down a hill.

The driver, not wanting to damage anyone else's property, drove into the bay
instead.

It's being called the largest navel disaster ever.

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Funny Jesus Joke

2009-07-12T05:28:00.000-07:00

What Would He Pay?

While waiting in line to check out at a Christian bookstore,
a man in front of me asked the clerk about a display of hats
with the letters WWJD on them. The clerk explained that WWJD
stands for "What would Jesus do?" and that the idea is to
get people to consider this question when making decisions.

The man pondered a moment, then replied, "I don't think he'd
pay $17.95 for that hat."

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Funny Bubba and Ray Joke

2009-07-10T05:26:00.000-07:00

(Arkansas mechanical engineers)
were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba,

but we don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,

and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her

pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,'

and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman!

We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'

Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government....

... and helping to design the "stimulus package."
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Funny Priest Joke

2009-07-08T05:25:00.000-07:00

Priest Retirement

A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner
after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation
was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little
speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed debating the "bail-out packages," so
the priest decided to say his own few words while they
waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first
confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a
terrible place. The very first person who entered my
confessional told me he had stolen a television set and,
when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out
of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled
from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's
wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not
all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full
of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived
full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to
make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first
day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of
being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.!

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4th of July Jokes

2009-07-03T11:02:00.001-07:00

4th of July Jokes

Funny Jokes - 4th of July Jokes

How is a healthy person like the United States?
They both have good constitutions!

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!

What's big, cracked, and carries your luggage?
The Liberty Bellhop!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!

What was General Washington's favorite tree?
The infantry!

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!

4th of July Quotes

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

What ghost haunted King George III?
The spirit of '76!

Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?
He was a Yankee doodler!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

4th of July Quotes

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!

What dance was very popular in 1776?
Indepen-dance!

What march would you play at a jungle parade?
"Tarzan Stripes Forever"!

Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg?
Because they're both cracked!

What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?
The Battle of Bonkers Hill.

Fourth of July Recipes

July 4 July 4th
Independence Day
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Funny Jokes

2009-06-09T05:55:00.000-07:00

I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have
to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving
certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a
rubber brick with my pajamas on. --Victoria Wood

I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of
telling you to come off the Pill. --Victoria Wood

Sexual harassment at work .... is it a problem for the
self-employed? --Victoria Wood

---

A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am
living up to my full potential? -- Jane Wagner

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see
that I should have been more specific. -- Jane Wagner

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about
myself. --Jane Wagner

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival
tool. --Jane Wagner

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us,
we're schizophrenic. --Jane Wagner

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Funny Golf Joke

2009-06-07T05:54:00.000-07:00

The Useful Golf Book

I've been reading a new book, called the "Useful Golf Book".
It contains some really good articles such as:

* How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt.

* How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from
the tee.

* How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker.

* How to get more distance off the shank.

* Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk.

* Crying and how to handle it.

* How to rationalize a 7-hour round.

* How to find the ball that everyone else saw go in the water.

* Why your spouse no longer cares that you birdied the 4th.

* How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting
embarrassed.

* How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee.

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Funny little boys Joke

2009-06-06T05:53:00.000-07:00

Sellavision

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is
four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and
carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must
be for your sister then?"

The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom
and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little
brother."

The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"

The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you
wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little
brother can't do either of them!"

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Funny Quotes - The Power of Speech

2009-04-22T23:01:00.000-07:00

She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech.
- George Bernard Shaw

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Funny Quotes Funny Jokes

2009-04-22T22:58:00.001-07:00

Funny Quotes Funny Jokes

Include me out.
- Samuel Goldwyn

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Funny Quotes - VIAGRA Chapstick

2009-04-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

VIAGRA Chapstick? That's one way to keep a "stiff upper lip!"
- Unknown

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Funny Quotes - Children

2009-04-21T22:35:00.002-07:00

Funny Quotes - Children

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
- Unknown

Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes - Will Rogers

2008-07-06T14:55:00.000-07:00

Things ain't what they used to be and probably never was.

Will Rogers

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Funny Jokes

2008-05-25T18:18:00.001-07:00

So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!

Jokes of the Day

Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-05-25T18:17:00.001-07:00

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.
- Johnny Carson (about Chevy Chase)

Bill Austin

Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes

2008-05-21T13:56:00.001-07:00

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. Theyve heard one anothers material so much, theyve reached the point where they dont need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other they just need to refer to each joke by a number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, its the third comics turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isnt 44 funny?" "Sure, its usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it"

Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-05-21T11:58:00.001-07:00

To those she did not like . . . she was a stiletto made of sugar.
- John Mason Brown (about Dorothy Parker)

Funny Jokes

Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-05-21T10:16:00.001-07:00

You had to stand in line to hate him.
- Hedda Hopper

Jokes Blog

Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-05-21T09:48:00.001-07:00

He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.
- Eddie Cantor

Joke of the Day

Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-05-21T00:58:00.000-07:00

He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces.
- Mae West

Funny Quotes

Taxpayer Quote

2008-04-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

America is the land of opportunity.
Everybody can become a taxpayer.

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Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-04-06T19:56:00.001-07:00

He made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds.
- Percival Wilde

spinach dip

Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-04-05T08:18:00.001-07:00

The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes.
- William Shakespeare

Easter Quotes

Funny Jokes

2008-04-05T08:17:00.001-07:00

Little Johnny at Sunday School

Upon picked him up after Sunday School, Little Johnny's mother asked him about the lessons that day. He replied with the expected recitation of the Bible stories that the teacher had read to the class, but were shocked when Johnny told them that the class had sung a hymn "about a constipated cross-eyed bear". Upset and angered by this, Little Johnny's father confronted the Sunday School teacher, demanding to know, "the meaning of this." "Oh no, Mr. Wilson," replied the teacher, " the hymn was called, 'TheConsecrated Cross is Bare.'"

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