Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor - “If you have Tension and headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".”

Darwin Awards

admin — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 21:17:29 -0600

For those of you not familiar with the Darwin awards, they are awarded annually for the most extreme acts of (occasionally terminal) reported stupidity.
First Place - The Darwin Award Winner:

** When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time, it worked!

And now, the honorable mentions: read more »

Fun With Email Scammers

admin — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 21:24:03 -0600

A few days ago I received this email. I
decided to have some fun and mess with them a little bit. Deleting
these emails every day is a waste of my time so I thought I'd waste
theirs. I decided to see how weird I could get before they stopped
replying to my emails.

Here is the email exchange in full:
___________________________________

Dear friend read more »

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

admin — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 01:53:59 -0600

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames read more »

How to Handle Junk Mail

admin — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 02:17:43 -0600

When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? read more »

Blonde Changing the Light Bulb

admin — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 02:05:48 -0600

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem? read more »

Reward them Soldiers

admin — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 01:47:50 -0600

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. read more »

The Psychic Reader

admin — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 22:17:58 -0600

My father died on Jan 02. He left no forwarding address.

Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn't expect much really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank, insurance agent and a host of other businesses that one of their customers was no more.

I went to my mailbox to find this:

Dear Mr. Hanson, read more »

Michael Jordan vs Nerd

admin — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 11:04:11 -0600

Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage. read more »

Hiring cannibals

admin — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 12:38:37 -0600

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not. read more »

Faster than the speed of light

admin — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 23:06:54 -0600

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning. read more »

Newspaper Classified Advertising

admin — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 16:00:54 -0600

Actual Newspaper Ads and Classifieds:

* AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

* SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

* FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG

* 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

* TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTOMATIC, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

* TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700 read more »

Weird Questions in Library

admin — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 14:56:13 -0600

Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.

* "Do you have books here?"

* "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

* "Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

* "I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.") read more »

Why did the chicken cross the road?

admin — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 14:44:06 -0600

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:
To get to the other side.

PLATO:
For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX:
It was an historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY:
Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. read more »

Stop Telemarketers

admin — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 13:57:43 -0600

* If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
read more »

50+ Motoring Offences

admin — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 01:02:34 -0600

Irish police chasing a Polish driver who had apparently committed more then 50 motoring offences have discovered the embarrassing truth.

Officers had been puzzled how the mysterious 'Prawo Jazdy' had always produced his documents - but with a different address each time.

However, they have now discovered that 'Prawo Jazdy' is Polish for driving licence, reports Metro. read more »

Military Warnings

admin — Sun, 31 May 2009 22:48:35 -0600

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal read more »

Creation Story

admin — Sun, 24 May 2009 11:41:11 -0600

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." read more »

Home Remedies

admin — Sat, 09 May 2009 21:10:11 -0600

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Are you clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. read more »

Short Blonde Q/A

admin — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 23:09:57 -0600

Q: Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?
A: He didn't know where to buy Left Guard!

Q: How can you tell if a blond is a good cook?
A: She gets the poptart out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash?
A: He's the one on his bike.

Q: What do you call a blonde at university?
A: A visitor.

Q. Why does a blonde smile in a lightning storm?
A. They think their getting their picture taken. read more »

Girls playing with pets

admin — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 23:08:54 -0600

One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together over the redhead’s house while the redhead’s father was out.

The father had a pet parrot, which he did not let anyone else touch. But, when he left, the girls took him out.

The girls were playing with it, when the blonde grabbed the parrot and accidentally ripped out one of its wings.

Now you’ve done it! the red head yelled at the blonde. Go buy him another one just like that, here’s some money. The redhead went into her piggy bank and gave the blonde $50. read more »

Mysterious deaths

admin — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 17:54:22 -0600

There was this case in the hospital’s Intensive Care ward where
patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought read more »

Amazing True Facts

admin — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 23:19:59 -0600

* The metal backs of iPods are made from recycled zippers.

* Eskimos don’t believe in bridges or tunnels.

* Every sixteen minutes, someone named Richard dies.

* Billy Bob Thornton’s grandfather was the first person to own a television.

* Dolphins kill more people annually than sharks and influenza combined.

* On a dare, former President Rutherford B. Hayes declared war on Chile for 17 minutes.

* The original title for Catcher in the Rye was Hey, Look, a Carousel! read more »

Math Homework 911 Call

admin — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 23:13:02 -0600

Operator: 911 emergencies.
Boy: Yeah I need some help.
Operator: What’s the matter?
Boy: With my math.
Operator: With your mouth?
Boy: No with my math. I have to do it. Will you help me?
Operator: Sure. Where do you live?
Boy: No with my math.
Operator: Yeah I know. Where do you live though?
Boy: No, I want you to talk to me on the phone.
Operator: No I can’t do that. I can send someone else to help you.
Boy: Okay.
Operator: What kind of math do you have that you need help with? read more »

Great April Fools Day Jokes, Pranks & Tricks

admin — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:17:47 -0600

Practical jokes should be done in good fun and not meant to harm anyone. The best jokes are the clever ones where everyone laughs, especially the person who had the joke played on them.

These are many types of pranks and jokes ideal for April Fools Day.

1. Advertise your bosses job in the local newspaper - (Great if you want to get fired !).

2. Get a balloon and put it on the tailpipe of a truck read more »

Wedding Practical Jokes

admin — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:16:34 -0600

Smaller or larger tuxedo

A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom's tuxedo. read more »

Revenge Practical Jokes

admin — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:16:08 -0600

Garage Sale
Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, just come around back and come early!

Oil Spot
At night pour used oil underneath the read more »

Learn Basic English

admin — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:34:08 -0600

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. read more »

Bathtub Jello

admin — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 20:32:33 -0600

One of the pranks that I know of that isn't really harmful but still amusing is the "bathtub jello" one.

I've heard about couples returning from their honeymoon to find nothing out of the ordinary - until they go to take a shower/bath, when they find that their bathtub is full of jello.

It's easy to do - although I think it's better to make in layers if you have the time (you can assure that it's set that way).

Just run hot water, dump in lots of jello and *lots* of ice cubes, then stir. read more »

Great quotes by comedians

admin — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 16:23:49 -0600

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" read more »

Stupid & Dumb Famous Quotes

admin — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 16:22:29 -0600

1. "What's Wal-Mart? Do they, like, make walls there?" - Paris Hilton

2. "Smoking kills. And if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields

3. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death stuff." - Mariah Carey read more »