Funny Columns

Obama makes history in more ways than one

2008-06-20T17:03:00.000-05:00

Barack Obama has apparently clinched the Democratic Party's nomination for president, apparently gained enough delegates to ensure that he will run against John McCain to see who will spend the next four years looking totally incompetent.

I say "apparently" because you can never count out Hillary Clinton, even if it appears that she has dropped out of the race. She just never quits. That's why she's still married to Bill, when most women would have sent him packing after the 159th affair. "Let's keep trying," she says to him, words he's soon whispering into another woman's ear.

Yes, Hillary isn't a quitter. So don't be surprised if, between now and Aug. 25, when the Democrats hold their national convention, 100 Obama-supporting super-delegates mysteriously disappear, only to be discovered a year later at a commune in India, doing yoga and meditation.

But let's assume that Obama will be the nominee. It's important to pause and recognize the historical significance of this. It will be the first time in U.S. history that a major party has nominated a presidential candidate whose name begins with 'O.'

Obama is not only making history, he's opening the door for other 'O' candidates. Now you know why Oprah is so thrilled. And why there's so much excitement among the Irish. "It's wonderful," Irish cricketer Niall O'Brien said. "Everyone in Ireland is so happy that O'Bama won."

Another first is worth mentioning, even if it's fairly obvious: it's the first time in U.S. history that a major party has nominated a candidate whose initials are BO. As everyone who has been to college knows, BO stands for beer obsession. Actually, it stands for body odor, which some students specialize in. I know one student who got a degree in it. He had a BA in BO.

In reference to Obama, however, it's obvious what BO stands for: born orator. If his mom were alive, she'd tell us how early he started speaking, how he would keep asking "When's my birthday coming? When's my birthday coming?" and how she'd reply, "Be patient in there! There's two whole months until the delivery date."

Yes, Obama is a great orator, a man who, just by giving a speech, can inspire people to improve themselves. He can inspire old people to embrace new technology, parents to embrace their children, college students to embrace a bar of soap. He can even inspire celebrities: Kiefer Sutherland to embrace abstinence, Oprah to embrace humility, Aishwarya Rai to embrace acting lessons.

Obama's speaking ability is matched by his amazing breadth of knowledge and attention to detail. Partly because he once lived abroad, his knowledge goes well beyond U.S. affairs, which brings us to another first: It will be the first time in U.S. history that a major party has nominated a presidential candidate who knows how to pronounce Pakistan. It's "Pah-kee-stahn," not the way President Bush pronounces it: "Pack-his-bags."

I think there's another significant first about Obama's nomination, but I just can't seem to remember it. What can I say, I'm getting old. Wait a minute ... I think it has something to do with race. Oh, I remember now: It will be the first time in U.S. history that a major party has nominated a presidential candidate who won the egg-and-spoon race in elementary school.

Photo by Steve Rhodes

(Thanks to longtime reader Rob Rachlin for pointing out O'bama's Irish heritage.)

Guidelines for travelers entering America

2008-06-20T16:59:00.001-05:00

A U.S. Appeals Court has ruled that airport officials do not need "reasonable suspicion" to download data from a traveler's laptop or personal electronic storage device and keep it indefinitely. Coincidentally, the Department of Homeland Security has issued new guidelines for people entering America by air:

1. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to search all your belongings. This includes all items you are bringing to the United States, as well as items you have left behind. Be prepared to provide your home address, a set of keys and a copy of directions from Google maps.

2. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to search your body and your clothing, together or apart.

You may be asked to remove any head covering, including but not limited to: (a) skullcaps; (b) turbans; and (c) toupees.

You may be asked to remove any body covering, including but not limited to: (a) shirts; (b) dresses; and (c) plaster casts.

You may be asked to remove items attached to your head or body, including but not limited to: (a) false teeth; (b) nose rings; and (c) cell phones.

3. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to use various means to detect explosives, drugs or other illegal substances that you may be carrying or have recently consumed.

You may be subject to an X-ray of various body parts, including but not limited to: (a) your stomach; (b) your brain; and (c) your implants.

You may be subject to a thorough and intense dog sniffing. The sniffing may be directed toward but is not limited to: (a) your luggage; (b) your hand baggage; (c) your backside.

If you are afraid of dogs, you have the option of being sniffed by a lion.

You may also be asked to provide samples of fluids for testing, including but not limited to: (a) saliva; (b) urine; and (c) sweat. (The sweat will be collected during the interrogation.)

4. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to collect various data from you.

You may be subject to a collection of identification data from your body, including but not limited to: (a) your fingerprints; (b) a DNA sample; and (c) one of your kidneys.

You may be subject to a series of photographs, including but not limited to: (a) a "getting off the plane" shot; (b) an "entering the terminal" shot; and (c) a "using the restroom" shot.

You may be subject to a series of questions while hooked to a polygraph, including but not limited to: (a) "Did anyone pack your bags for you?" (b) "Have you ever been part of an organization that supports terrorism?" (c) "Do you agree with the statements of Barack Obama's former pastor?"

You may be asked to hand over your laptop computer, cell phone or other electronic storage device so that we may download information for our database, including but not limited to: (a) addresses and phone numbers of your contacts; (b) names of people you have poked on Facebook; and (c) jokes about President Bush you have forwarded.

5. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to implant a Global Positioning System (GPS) inside you. As requested by the American Civil Liberties Union, the GPS system will automatically disintegrate and be absorbed by your body within 100 years.

Please note that you will be allowed to enter the United States only if you are deemed to be a low-risk threat and only if, by the time all the security procedures are taken, your visa has not expired.

Photo by Crashworks

Nothing nice about rice price

2008-06-20T16:55:00.000-05:00

Rice is extremely popular in our household -- and I'm not talking about Condoleezza. I'm talking about the type of rice that looks warm and elegant at a dinner party.

My wife cooks rice almost every day. And when she isn't cooking rice, she's often making something out of rice, such as dosa and idli. She practically survives on rice. That's why I'm concerned about the rising price of rice, even more than the rising price of gas. I need gas to run my car, it's true, but I need rice to run my wife. Sure, she might operate on wheat or corn for a few weeks. But eventually I'd have to take her to the people mechanic.

Me: "She's been very sluggish lately, ever since I started filling her up with wheat and corn."

Doctor: "You're an idiot! Don't you know that she's got a rice engine?"

Me: "A rice engine?"

Doctor: "Yes, she's highly adapted to using rice as an energy source. Putting wheat and corn in her is like putting beer in your car. Only an idiot would do that."

Me: "Yeah, that's true. Lemonade is cheaper. Will she be all right? Is there any permanent damage?"

Doctor: "I'm not sure. Put her on the jack. I'll take a look under her."

Billions of other people share my wife's affinity for rice -- and that's just in India and China. Many people in Asia eat rice (or a rice product) three times a day. For them, it's not just a staple -- it's the entire stapler.

The price of rice has risen so fast, some people are paying twice as much as they did a few weeks ago. They're furious -- and understandably so. Just imagine how college students would feel if, all of a sudden, the price of beer doubled. There'd be riots on campus.

So what's causing the price increase? I attribute it to three factors:

1. Biofuels. Too many farmers are growing corn and other crops to produce biofuels such as ethanol. The farmers association slogan "We put food on your table" has been changed to "Food? Who said anything about food?"

2. Weddings. Too much rice is being thrown at newly weds. We need to change this tradition, which unnecessarily wastes good food. Next time I go to a wedding, I'm throwing fruitcake.

3. Drought. Farmers in some regions have been unable to grow rice and other crops, despite praying day and night to the rain gods. A few desperate farmers have even invited Dustin Hoffman to visit, because they heard he was the "Rain Man."

How dire is the situation? Well, several countries, including India and Vietnam, have stopped exporting rice, while Sam's Club, a division of Wal-Mart, is restricting customers to four bags of jasmine, basmati and long-grain white rice per visit. Four bags. In some Asian households, that's breakfast.

It reminds me of the time I visited a friend's house for dinner.

Friend: "Here's the appetizer. Rice chips."

Me: "Thank you. What's for dinner?"

Friend: "Fried rice with some rice soup. And for dessert we're having rice pudding."

Me: "Yummy! Anything to drink?"

Friend: "Yes, rice wine. It's homemade, like everything else."

Me: "Really? Where did you learn to cook so well?"

Friend: "Rice University."

Photo by Chris Traweek

Olympics triggers protests, boycotts and name-calling

2008-04-21T11:03:00.002-05:00

The 2008 Beijing Olympics have put the spotlight on China, bringing attention to the conflict in Tibet and all the human rights abuses. Protesters disrupted Olympic torch relays in San Francisco and other western cities, many of them holding signs with stern messages for China such as “Free Tibet!” “Stop human rights abuses!” and “Give us cheaper TVs now!”

Indian soccer star Bhaichung Bhutia declined to run with the torch as "my way of standing by the people of Tibet," while actor Aamir Khan vowed to run with the torch "not in support of China" but "with a prayer in my heart for the people of Tibet."

Inspired by Khan, long jumper Anju Bobby George announced that she will protest China's human rights abuses by participating in the Beijing Olympics. "I am participating in the Olympics not in support of China," she said, "but with a prayer in my heart for the people of Tibet."

She pledged to lie on the ground before every jump, extending her legs outward to form a ‘T.’ “It may look like I’m stretching,” she said. “But I’m showing my support for Tibet.”

Just a day before the torch relay in India, cricket star Sachin Tendulkar pulled out of the event, saying that he had a groin injury. It's believed that he suffered the injury while running away from Tibetan activists.

Indian officials were so worried about protests that they drastically shortened the route of the torch relay, asking Khan to run with it from his bedroom to living room. He handed the torch to tennis star Leander Paes, who took it all the way to the kitchen. Other celebrities then did mini-runs from one appliance to another.

The video was doctored for Chinese television to show Khan and Paes running in front of the Taj Mahal, cheered on by thousands of people, including Mahatma Gandhi.

Meanwhile, CNN's Jack Cafferty is in trouble with the Chinese for calling them "goons and thugs," two of the worst insults that the FCC allows on American TV.

Saying that America imported Chinese-made "junk with the lead paint on them and the poisoned pet food," Cafferty added: "They're basically the same bunch of goons and thugs they've been for the last 50 years.”

Chinese Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Jiang Yu demanded an apology, saying, "We are shocked at and strongly condemn the evil attack by the CNN anchor on the Chinese people. How dare he call us goons and thugs? Not all of us are goons and thugs."

Indeed, a New York Times investigation has found that only 1 percent of Chinese are goons and thugs -- and all of them work for the government.

Cafferty’s words have upset many of them, according to Jin Yao, president of the National Association of Goons and Thugs. “He say we same goons and thugs for last 50 years,” Yao said. “Is not true. We better goons and thugs than before. We take government course.”

In other news, some folks in Britain are trying their best to boycott everything from China. Harvey Wilson of London has stopped buying toys from China, John Rowling of Oxford has stopped buying electronics from China, and Linda Scott of Birmingham has dumped her boyfriend, Chang Lee.

In Winnipeg, Canada, Gerald Smith, a retired bus driver who spends most of his evenings at the local casino, said he’s getting rid of everything he owns that’s made in China, including all his appliances, furniture, clothes and teeth. Asked if he’s protesting a particular Chinese policy, Smith nodded and pointed to the words on his T-shirt: “Free to bet!”

Photo by Ricardo Ferreira

A vacation you're guaranteed to enjoy

2008-04-09T15:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Parent,

Please forgive this intrusion on your time. I know how busy and challenging life can be when you have children. Kids are such a joy! I have three little ones myself and let me tell you, when I'm at work, I'm constantly looking at my watch, counting how many hours are left before the peace and calm ends.

I went on vacation last year with my wife and kids. We spent seven days in Florida, and when we returned home, I was exhausted. I felt like I had run a marathon. Thankfully, I had to go to work the next day. I was able to recover. It occurred to me that I had just spent thousands of dollars on a vacation that allowed me few moments of rest and relaxation, moments that usually ended with someone pounding on the door and saying, "Dad, come out of there! I need to pee."

That's why I decided to form a new company called Vacation Solution Inc. It's what all parents have been waiting for, the solution to our vacation woes. Yes, now you can have a restful vacation, up to seven days and seven nights in a tropical paradise, with someone else's children. Let some other parents take your problems. I mean, children.

Signing up for one of our relaxing vacations is easy. Just go to our website and pick the children you want to vacation with. You'd better hurry! The best children are going fast. (Mine are still available. If you want to take them for a week in December, I'm offering a free high-definition TV.)

Even if you don't get the best children, don't worry. Chances are, whichever children you get, they'll behave better than your own. How do I know this? Well, it's a scientifically proven fact that children behave up to 28 percent better when they're with adults they don't know. People are always saying to me, "Your children are so well-behaved. They're such angels!" And I say to them, "How would you like a free high-def TV?"

Let's face it: It's hard to be strict with your own kids. They know how to get their way, whether it's putting on a sad face, saying 'please' a hundred times or making so much noise, you can't hear what Oprah is saying. But you can be as strict as you want with someone else's children. They don't know which buttons to push, and even if they did, they'd be too afraid you might leave them in Acapulco.

We recommend that you be tough on them, as tough as a drill sergeant on fresh-faced recruits. Don't think of them as family members. Think of them as young people who have come along to handle your luggage. They can do all sorts of jobs for you: make your bed, wash your clothes, massage your feet.

You might be concerned that someone's going to be really tough on your children. Don't worry. It's only for a short time. Here's the important thing: once they're back from vacation, they'll think you're the greatest parent in the world. Yes, they'll finally learn to appreciate you. They might even kiss your feet.

You might also be concerned that someone else's children, not yours, will appear in your vacation photos, that you won't be able to show them to your friends and family. Don't worry. We've thought of that too. That's why we're offering all our customers a free trial of our professional Photoshop service. Just send us your vacation pictures and we'll make sure your children appear in them. For an extra fee, we'll even put smiles on their faces.

Photo by Utpal Nath

Look up the dissidents, the Olympics are coming

2008-04-09T15:12:00.000-05:00

As the 2008 Summer Olympics approach, many people are scratching their heads and asking, "How in heaven's name was Beijing selected as the host city?" The answer is simple: Beijing was chosen because Baghdad was unavailable. Actually, the International Olympic Committee wanted to encourage China to emulate previous hosts and pursue democratic principles. China, in turn, pledged to be good hosts, promising to make athletes and other guests comfortable and, for at least three weeks, suspend all human rights abuses.

It's a good arrangement, really, opening the door for future Olympics to be held in places such as Tehran, Iran, and Pyongyang, North Korea. I don't know about you, but I'm really looking forward to the 2020 Guantánamo Bay Olympics. By then, waterboarding will be an official event.

The Beijing Olympics are destined to be the most successful games in Olympic history. And if you don't believe me, just ask any Chinese journalist who isn't in prison. "Best Olympics ever," they will say. "That's what we've been told."

If you're a foreign journalist who disagrees, that's okay. You have the freedom to say what you want, while people in China have the freedom to believe whatever their government lets them.

Go ahead and put your views on the Internet. China does not block all websites, only the ones that discuss dangerous topics such as "democracy," "freedom" and "Tibet." You'll also be glad to know that China does not try to monitor all Internet searches, only the ones that originate within the country.

The Olympics are a great opportunity for China to show the world that it does more than just supply the world with various products. It also hits people over the head with batons. But it really doesn't want to. Some people just insist on putting their heads under the batons. Others insist on getting themselves tortured or sent to prison.

Yang Chunlin insisted on all three. The former factory worker, trying to get land rights for farmers, collected 10,000 signatures for an open letter, then posted it on the Internet with the title "We want human rights, not the Olympics." China had no choice but to come down hard on him, just in case people got the impression that Chinese people lack human rights.

"We don't mind people have human rights," a Chinese official said, "but we don't want people have human wrongs."

China, being a civilized society, doesn't believe in capital punishment. But many people insist on getting executed. They commit all sorts of crimes, including tax evasion and theft, leaving the government no choice but to execute them. China executes more people than the rest of the world combined -- yes, even more than the United States -- but on the bright side, China saves thousands of lives through organ donations.

After hearing about China's treatment of its citizens, you may be concerned about having the Olympics in Beijing. But don't worry, China has promised not to torture or execute any of the athletes.

It may, of course, hit a few of them over the head with a baton.

But then, "Baton hitting" is an exhibition sport at this Olympics.

Obama belongs to all of us

2008-04-09T15:11:00.000-05:00

I have a message for my African-American friends: Stop claiming Barack Obama as one of yours. He's not one of yours. He's one of OURS. In case you haven't checked, Obama isn't just black. He's half-black, half-white and half-Asian. Okay, perhaps he isn't half-Asian, but his step-father was Indonesian, he was raised partly in Indonesia, and most of his clothes are from Asia. So don't you dare laugh when you're driving through Chinatown and see a bumper sticker that says "I'm Voting For Obama. He's Almost Asian!"

If you're Hispanic, you can take pride in him too. Did you know that Obama loves tortilla chips and salsa, and he once sat through an entire Jennifer Lopez movie? Yes, the man has gone to great pains to discover his Hispanic side.

When they make a movie about Obama, you'll see him flying to the White House in a cape, with people gazing up and gasping, "It's a black man! It's a white man! It's everyman!"

Obama identified himself with the African-American community as a young man, partly because he felt a need to belong, and that suits everyone just fine, because we love to put people into neat categories. But his background is quite different from most African-Americans. After all, there aren't many African-Americans who could organize a family reunion and harbor a slight fear that Dick Cheney might show up.

And there aren't many African-Americans who could fly to Africa, host a dinner party for their extended family and have hundreds of people showing up, most of whom are actually related to them.

Obama's late father was Kenyan and his late mother was Kansan. If he's elected to the White House, it will be a momentous, historic occasion, because, as everyone knows, America has never had a Kenyan-Kansan president. Yes, he'll be America's very first K-K president, much to the dismay of the KKK.

Obama has given credit to his white mother for raising him after his father left, writing in his memoir that "what is best in me I owe to her." But despite all that, it's his father's race that seems to define him. "If you have one drop of black blood, you're black," society seems to say. But what if every drop of your blood is red?

Shouldn't we celebrate Obama's mixed heritage, instead of glossing over it, instead of cutting off his mother's side?

The same can be asked about Tiger Woods. Journalists often refer to Tiger as an African-American golfer, except in Thailand, where journalists describe him as "the golfer whose mother is Thai."

According to Wikipedia, Tiger's late father, Earl, was half African-American, one-quarter Chinese and one-quarter Native American, while his mother, Kultida, is half Thai, one-quarter Chinese and one-quarter Dutch. That makes Tiger one-quarter Chinese, one-quarter Thai, one-quarter African-American, one-eighth Native American and one-eighth Dutch. And that makes me glad I studied fractions in high school.

Thanks to those lessons, I've figured out that Tiger is -- drum roll please! -- twice as much Asian as African-American. But not many people know that. If they made a movie about him, it would be called "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Asian."

Tiger, quite smartly, considers himself “Cablinasian” (a combination of Caucasian, Black, American-Indian and Asian.) He's not just a great golfer, but also a great role model, making so many people proud, especially those in the Cablinasian community. You may not know this, but for 10 consecutive years, they've selected him as "Cablinasian of the Year."

Tiger has a unique genetic makeup -- and so does each of us, no matter our racial background. Obama owes his not just to his father, but also his mother. That's why it puzzles me that 92 percent of blacks supported him in the Mississippi primary, but only 26 percent of whites did.

Why such a racial divide over a candidate who's half-this and half-that?

The billionaire's house that's helping everyone

2008-04-09T15:08:00.000-05:00

What kind of house does a billionaire build? Well, if you're Bill Gates, you build a $100 million, high-tech house that's full of modern amenities, such as a 17-by-60-foot swimming pool that plays music underwater, a reception hall that seats 150 people and an underground shelter in case the maids and gardeners need to hide from immigration.

If you're Mukesh Ambani, the Indian industrialist, you build a house that has 27 floors, a parking garage for 168 imported cars, and three helipads, so you don't have to drive any of those cars. At least not until they build special lanes for billionaires.

Ambani's house, named Antilla and sprouting on Mumbai's Altamount Road, is costing hundreds of millions of dollars -- as much as $1 billion, according to some reports -- but that's no major burden for one of the richest men in the world. How rich is he? He's rich enough to contribute millions of dollars to Bill and Hillary Clinton, if only politicians weren't so ethical. He's rich enough to buy his very own island in the Pacific, if only Australia were for sale. He's rich enough to immunize and educate millions of Indian children, if only Bill Gates weren't doing that already.

There are many ways to contribute to society, many ways to help the disadvantaged, and one of the ways Ambani is doing it, his supporters have me convinced, is by building a huge house. So before you judge him, before you label his house an appalling and outrageous display of wealth, you need to look at the positive impact the house will have on thousands, if not millions, of Indians. Indeed, some people are already calling it the Mother Teresa of Houses.

Among the first to benefit, of course, are the people involved in the construction, not just the architects, engineers and other high-skilled workers, but also scores of laborers. Not only have they earned a paycheck for a couple of years, they will always walk past the house with pride, in much the same way that the workers in ancient Egypt walked past the pyramids.

Many have improved their lives by working on the Ambani house. A laborer named Arunath, for example, has managed to move his family from a one-room, ramshackle house in a Mumbai slum to a two-room, ramshackle house in a Mumbai slum. That may not seem like a big improvement, but small steps are important, which is why the Ambanis are making theirs out of marble. It symbolizes the progress that everyone is making.

While the house will be the principal residence for Ambani, his wife, Neeta, their three children and Ambani's mother, it will also give comfort and shelter to numerous servants and others. And let's not forget that the house, at a height of 27 stories, will also provide shade to any pavement dwellers nearby. (If they happen to enter the opulent neighborhood.) To the delight of animal activists, the building is also likely to offer a resting spot for pigeons and other weary birds.

The Ambanis are expected to employ 600 people in the house. They have created many of these jobs for the sole purpose of giving people an opportunity to work and gain a sense of self-worth. The indoor swimming pool, for example, is being built largely as a means to employ a lifeguard, pool boy and margarita server. Ambani has collected so many imported cars in order to give work to drivers, mechanics and insurance salesmen. Neeta has been just as benevolent.

Neeta: "I want to find work for two more people, make a difference in two more lives."

Mukesh: "If you buy a hundred more shoes and handbags, you can hire another wardrobe attendant."

Neeta: "Good idea. If I have two wardrobe attendants, then I could create another position: supervisor of wardrobe attendants. ... Let me call Isha ... Isha, let's go shopping. We need to help more people!"

When your goal is to employ hundreds of people, you have to come up with some ingenious ways to keep them occupied. Hence such creative job titles as "pantry organizer," "panty organizer," "pant organizer" and "pan organizer." And, of course, "paan organizer."

In the adult bathrooms, they'll have jobs such as "perfume sprayer," "teeth polisher" and "grey hair snipper." In the children's bathrooms, they'll have "hair comber," "face washer" and "pimple cream applier."

Perhaps the building's biggest role will be to serve as a source of pride and motivation for millions of Indians, particularly children. Inspired by the Ambani house, many of them will be eager to take advantage of Bill Gates' educational programs.

Together, the two billionaires are making a huge difference.

Too old to rule? Only if you drool

2008-04-09T15:02:00.000-05:00

Fidel Castro ruled Cuba for almost 50 years, but the 81-year-old is ailing, so it's not surprising that the presidency of the country has been officially passed to his youthful brother Raul, who is only 76.

Raul's top vice president, Jose Ramon Machado, is young too. The revolutionary leader is only 77. The other five vice presidents are 56, 80, 68, 63 and 71. If you're good at math, you've already figured out that the average age of Cuba's top seven leaders is 70. And you've also realized that there must be something wrong with a political system that doesn't give opportunities to people in their late eighties and nineties.

If you're 93 and want to hold a top political post, you should be given a chance. I say this because one of my readers, Ernestine "Ernie" Stripe, is 93 and she would make a fine Cuban vice president. (If you're reading this Raul, please appoint Ernie as one of your vice presidents, so people do not accuse you of age discrimination.)

Just because you're old, it doesn't mean you can't be a good leader. Old people have a lot of wisdom and they also have lots of experience doing what politicians do the most: sitting around and talking. They're also good at shaking hands and waving.

If you don't think those are important skills, you probably don't follow politics closely. You probably didn't pay attention to President Bush's recent trip to Africa, in which he and several other presidents did a whole lot of "sitting around and talking." In Tanzania, for example, Bush sat around and talked to President Jakaya Kikwete.

Kikwete: "Welcome to Tanzania, President Bush."

Bush: "Thank you, President Kikwete. Things have changed a lot since the last time I was in West Africa."

Kikwete: "Yes, things have changed in East Africa too."

Bush: "I'm pleased to hear that. I will be going there next."

Kikwete: "I have some gifts for you, specially from our country: a stuffed leopard and lion, and a zebra skin."

Bush: "Thank you. I have a gift for you, specially from our country: a pair of Shaquille O'Neal basketball shoes."

Kikwete: "Thank you. They will be a good addition to my house."

Bush: "Yes, I suppose so. But don't you already have enough guest rooms?"

As you can see, Bush is getting good at this. He has seven years of experience. At 61, he's at an age where he can keep a conversation going with anyone, even himself. Just imagine how good he'll be in 20 years. But instead of bringing his wise leadership to America, he'll be bringing it to the Crawford, Texas, Shuffleboard Team.

Even at 81, Bush would be younger than one of the most successful leaders in Canada: Hazel McCallion. She's 87 and is serving her 11th consecutive term as mayor of Mississauga, Ontario. Forget the rocking chair, she's got city councilors to scare.

My motherland, India, loves old politicians. The current president, Pratibha Patil, is 72. The previous four presidents, Abdul Kalam, K.R. Narayanan, S.D. Sharma and R. Venkataraman, were 70, 76, 73 and 76 respectively. Dr. Kalam was the youngster of the bunch, barely making the cut. Had he been 69, we would have known him as just another eccentric scientist.

Let's face it: Age is just a number. At least that's what Mick Jagger says to all the schoolgirls.

Age is often an asset, not a handicap. John McCain, the Republican Party's presidential nominee, is 71 years old and has been through a lot in his life, including being a prisoner of war. That's got to be a major asset.

Don't tell me he's too old to be president. If anything, he might be too young.

Photo by Marcn

Scientific research does wonders for our lives

2008-04-09T14:57:00.002-05:00

Where would we be without scientific research? Six feet under, probably. I say "probably" because some of us might still be moving around, the ones who've had their ashes scattered in the ocean.

Yes, scientific research is vital to our existence, almost as important as food, oxygen and coffee. But wait a minute, you might say, the cavemen didn't conduct research and they managed just fine. Well, that's not completely true. They did conduct research -- they just didn't think of publishing it. Oongah the caveman, for example, was able to conclude, from counting all the bumps on his head, that it wasn't good for his health to comment on his wife's weight. His wife, meanwhile, was able to conclude that it was possible to make a man change his ways, without resorting to violence. Just by withholding certain favors, you could get him to bang his head against the wall.

Modern research is more sophisticated, of course, and more widespread. Just do an Internet search and you'll come across thousands of studies that have been conducted all over the world, even in Saskatchewan, Canada. A few recent ones underscore the importance of funding scientific research and keeping researchers happy. (In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that my wife is a researcher. She has conducted mostly animal research, including an ongoing experiment on what it's like to be married to one.)

An Australian study found that blue-collar workers are at a higher risk of developing cancer than white-collar workers. What's causing the cancer? Well, you don't have to be a scientist to realize that it must have something to do with the blue dye in their collars. At least that's what I thought until I read a little further. Blue-collar workers such as truck drivers, fruit and vegetable growers and hairdressers are at greater risk because they're exposed to chemicals, dyes, pesticides and viruses. Think about that the next time you need a haircut. Make sure you wash your hair well beforehand, so your hairdresser isn't exposed to chemicals, dyes and pesticides. You can always spray for bugs later.

A Spanish study found that women aren't tall and skinny, as many fashion designers envision them, but instead fall into three body types: hourglass, pear shape and cylinder. The pear-shaped ones are at higher risk, of course, of marrying a fruit grower. But that's not the point of the study. The point is to get the fashion industry to design clothes that normal women can wear, and by "normal," I mean women who eat.

A U.S. study found that attractive people tend to date other attractive people. There are exceptions, of course. Who would have thought that Angelina Jolie, for example, would end up with an unsightly dork like Brad Pitt? Especially since she was previously married to that stud muffin Billy Bob Thornton. The study didn't just focus on attractive people. Whatever your level of attractiveness, you're likely to date someone at a similar level. If you're on a hot date in West Virginia, for example, don't be surprised if you and your date have an equal number of missing teeth.

An Indian study found that IT professionals are prone to suffer from CRI (Computer Related Injury). It's easy to strain your neck, back, shoulders or wrists while using a computer. I hurt my arm the other day, just from tossing my computer against the wall. I've also got a number of bumps on my head, which, I'm starting to suspect, has something to do with reading emails from my wife.

It's really too bad that Oongah didn't publish his study.

Photo by Miss Pupik

The hardest job in the world

2008-02-07T10:19:00.000-06:00

Until I became a parent, I didn't know how challenging it could be. I thought it would be easy, like driving in New York City or getting all my teeth pulled. I thought I would just make the rules -- "Don't forget to tidy your room before going to bed" -- and my children would follow them -- "Yes, Dad, we'll do it right away. Would you like us to tidy your room too?"

I didn't realize how much hair-pulling and teeth-gnashing there would be. I didn't realize how often I'd hear the question "Do we have to keep doing this?" and how often I'd have to reply "Yes, dear, I know it's hard, but we can't give up until the kids are 18."

Don't get me wrong. Parenting has brought a lot of joy to my life. One of my greatest joys, for example, is looking at my three children, admiring their sweet, innocent faces, when they're fast asleep. What immense joy. So much peace and calm in the house. The perfect time to do something romantic with my wife, if only we could find the energy.

When I see teen-agers having babies, I wonder if they know what they're getting into. Have they really thought it through or are they just hoping that their children, by some miracle, will be mini versions of Mother Teresa? I wish my children would be more like Mother Teresa. I'd like to send them off to Calcutta.

Parenting requires tons of effort, attention and patience, and you can never get too comfortable, too confident, because children keep changing, keep finding new ways to drive you up the wall. If you're a prospective parent, here's what you can expect during the first five stages of childhood (which our oldest child, Lekha, has already put us through):

Innocent Infancy: This is the baby stage, also known as the "Will I ever get any sleep again?" stage. Not only do you have to keep waking up at night to take care of your baby's needs, you have to spend your days either feeding her or changing her diaper. (You'll have to buy diapers and wipes, as well as formula, cereal and bottled food.) There'll be a lot of crying in this stage, which is fairly normal, particularly when you're looking at your bank statement. But try to put things in perspective. In just a few years, you'll look back and say, "Those were the really cheap days."

Onerous Ones: She learns how to walk in this stage and is quite good at it, but still expects you to carry her around, because that makes it easy for her to wipe her mouth and nose on your shirt. (That's one of the downsides of "raising a child.") She also begins to talk, saying "Mom" or "Dad," before discovering a far more useful word: "No!" This is her favorite word, at least until she has a sibling and grows to like another word: "Mine!"

Terrible Twos: This is the stage that all parents dread. The baby is now a toddler and has learned to make demands, learned to say "I want." Whatever another child has, she wants, even if it's chicken pox. If she doesn't get what she wants, she throws a tantrum -- and sometimes she throws other things too. You'll be afraid to take her out in public, except perhaps to the zoo, where she might pick up some tips on good behavior from the monkeys.

Therapy-inducing Threes: If you're relieved when your child turns three, you're in for a big shock, especially when you see the crayon drawing on your wall and the ink marks on your couch. At this stage, she doesn't throw tantrums anymore -- she just gets you to throw them. Your goals in life have changed by now. Forget about "writing a book" or "starting a business." All you want to do these days is "remain sane." That's a major challenge, as you realize whenever you're at the dinner table, trying to get your 3-year-old to put something in her mouth, other than the salt shaker.

Frightful Fours: By now, she's got a lot of toys, perhaps a roomful of them, but that doesn't stop her from saying "I'm bored" a dozen times a day. You try to tell her about your childhood, how you used to be occupied for hours playing hopscotch with a stone, but she really doesn't want to hear about the Stone Age. She wants to watch TV all day, but you know what parenting experts say -- that it's not good for children to watch too much TV. So you put a DVD in your computer and let her watch that instead. You're starting to get good at parenting. At least that's what you think, until she screams, "I've already watched this!"

Photo by BrookesB

A fight that's making boxing history

2008-02-07T10:17:00.000-06:00

Are you enjoying the big fight? I am. I lost interest in boxing in the 1990s, soon after Mike Tyson fell from grace, but I'm enjoying the sport once again, thanks to all the jabs and fancy footwork in this epic Obama-Clinton clash.

The first round went to Barack Obama, known in boxing circles as The Barackuda. He landed dozens of punches and also followed an unusual boxing tactic: stomping on Hillary Clinton's toes. So dominant was he that when the bell rang, she ran to her corner, sat down and cried. "Boo hoo! He hurt me!"

Everyone thought she'd throw in the towel and run to the locker room, but she's a real fighter. Her trainer, Bill, got her ready, wiping away her tears, treating the cut below her eye and pumping her up with words such as "Go get him, girl!" and "He's a man. Hit him where it hurts!"

Obama came out strong in Round Two with a series of jabs that convinced boxing experts he'd easily win the round. But with a minute left, Clinton stunned everyone with a well-aimed punch that almost floored Obama. Poor guy didn't know what hit him. "Ouch!" he said, staggering into the ropes. "Thank God I wore a cup."

Before he could recover, she nailed him again with an uppercut to the chin, then elbowed him in the gut. “Is that allowed?” Obama asked, but the female referee was distracted by Trainer Bill, who was flashing his undershorts at her. “Hey ref,” Bill shouted. “How'd you like to handle these boxers?”

After splitting the first two rounds, the fighters were determined to win Round Three and came out with a flurry of punches, prompting some boxing analysts to start comparing the fight to the classic 1975 Ali-Frazier clash, known as the Thrilla in Manila. The main difference, of course, was that Ali and Frazier didn't fight dirty.

In the middle of the round, Obama rocked Clinton with a punch to the ribs, then smiled at a group of culinary workers cheering for him. "My round," he said. "Experience I may lack, but I sure can talk smack."

But as he turned back to face Clinton, she socked him in the face, causing his mouthpiece to go flying all the way back to Chicago. "Not so fast, pretty boy," she said. "By the time I'm through with you, you'll be too ugly to go on Oprah."

Clinton did so well in the second and third rounds that Ring magazine put her on the cover, under the headline "Girl Got Game." She now holds a slight lead over Obama, but this fight is expected to go the distance, with a knockout as unlikely as a kiss on the cheek. "I'm still in this fight," Obama said, recuperating between rounds. "It ain't over till Oprah sings."

While some analysts are calling it the "Fight of the Century," it might just be the "Fight of Eternity." Never before has a black man fought a white woman with so much at stake. The winner goes to the championship round, where he or she will face the winner of the McCain-Huckabee fight. John McCain is in the lead, but Mike Huckabee is much tougher than expected, benefiting from the vast fighting experience of his trainer, Chuck Norris. "You can take the old man!" Norris keeps shouting. "This is boxing, not bridge."

McCain is trying to follow in the footsteps of George Foreman, who won the heavyweight title at age 45. Though he's 71, more than a quarter century older, McCain's got a lot of fight in him, hitting Huckabee with one hand, while keeping the other hand firmly on his walking stick. Every now and then, he uses the stick to smack a spectator trying to sneak into the ring, someone named Mitt Romney.

Nobody knows who's going to win the title, but one thing is clear: Boxing fans will be on the edge of their seats.

Don't say no-no to the Nano

2008-01-15T15:21:00.000-06:00

Here's some exciting news: The world's cheapest car will soon be hitting the roads of India. Tata Motors recently unveiled the Nano, a car that will surely make many middle-class people happy, particularly Hyundai owners, who will now feel like they're driving luxury cars.

The Nano will come in three models, with the standard one carrying a dealer price of only Rs. 1 lakh (about $2,500), or what Paris Hilton spends on hairspray. As you can imagine, there’s been tons of interest in the Nano, ever since the very first press conference.

Tata spokesman: "We're pleased to announce that we're going to be introducing a one-lakh car."

Reporter: "A one-lakh car? Will it have four wheels?"

Spokesman: "Yes, it will have four wheels -- and even a steering wheel."

Reporter: "What about brakes?"

Spokesman: "Yes, it will have brakes."

Reporter: "Headlights?"

Spokesman: "Yes, it will have headlights."

Reporter: "Air-conditioning?"

Spokesman: "It's a one-lakh car, you idiot!"

The Nano may seem cheap to some Indians, but for others, it's just the right price, enabling them to switch from two wheels to four, to put a roof over their heads. The car is designed to seat five people, which means it's perfect for a family of 12. Three-year-old Raju no longer needs to ride on the crossbar -- he can move to a far more comfortable spot on great-grandma's lap.

The Nano is truly a model of Indian ingenuity. As one proud Indian put it, "We are showing the world that no one can beat us when it comes to going cheap."

China has produced cheap products for decades, and you can bet that as soon as they're done hosting the Olympics, they'll be working on their own version of the Nano, probably called the Nona. But it's going to be tough to reproduce the Nano, a car that costs so little, even the workers at Tata might be able to afford it. So how did the company do it? As senior managers at U.S. auto firms are asking, "How did Tata manage to reduce costs so drastically without outsourcing any of the work?"

Well, that's a carefully guarded secret, known to only a few top-level managers and their husbands. What's clear, though, is that Tata's engineers worked very hard. Just picture a meeting between the engineering director, Ravi, and three engineers, Mukund, Ranga and Laxmi.

Ravi: "So what do you all think? Have you made a decision?"

Mukund: "Yes, it was difficult to reach a consensus, but we finally decided
to order pizza."

Ravi: "Good choice! I'm tired of having Chinese. What about cost-cutting
ideas? What parts of the car can we eliminate?"

Ranga: "I think we can do without the seats. We can get people to sit cross-legged on the floor, like my grandma does. That would save a lot of money."

Ravi: "Good thinking. We should definitely consider that. What about you, Laxmi? Any ideas?"

Laxmi: "We can do without the glove compartment. How many Indians wear gloves anyway?"

Ravi: "Brilliant! You're getting a raise. What about you, Mukund?"

Mukund: "We can do without the rear-view mirror. Nobody looks at the rear anyway."

Ravi: "You're right. India is a forward-looking country. Don't you think so, Laxmi?"

Laxmi: "Yes, sir. I'm looking forward to my raise."

If you buy a Nano, you will have to occasionally look in the rear. That's where you'll find the 35-horsepower engine, powerful enough to allow the Nano to accelerate as fast as some lawn mowers. (It can go from 0 to 6 in one minute flat.)

It doesn't go as fast as other cars, but on most roads in India, there's too much congestion to go fast. Just ask the guy in the Mercedes Benz who keeps getting passed by the guy in the bullock cart.

The Nano does have the advantage of being small enough to squeeze through narrow spaces and, if necessary, go under elephants. Unfortunately, as one automobile expert put it, "There just aren't enough elephants in India to make that a good selling point."

In fact, on my last visit to India, I didn't spot a single elephant. I did spot other animals on the roads, of course, but which country doesn't have its share of aggressive, out-of-control motorcyclists?

2008 will be a historic year

2008-01-15T15:18:00.001-06:00

As the new year begins, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish my loyal readers much happiness in 2008. I hope the year brings good health and prosperity to both of you.

It's going to be a historic year, a year in which we'll see the first African-American elected to the White House. How do I know this? Well, as a committed journalist, I do a great amount of research, looking at surveys, trends and other data. And then I throw it all away and consult a tarot reader. I also gaze into a crystal ball and make a long-distance call to a Zambian witch doctor. Yes, I cover all my bases, which is how I'm able to make bold predictions like this: India will win more medals at the Olympic Games in Beijing than the entire continent of Antarctica.

If you don't think that prediction is bold enough, here's one that will really knock your socks off: Peace will finally come to the Middle East. Yes, both Israelis and Palestinians will be thrilled to get a visit from British author David Peace.

Here's what else I see in 2008:

Democrat Barack Obama is elected president of America, beating Republican Mike Huckabee in a landslide. To the delight of his biggest supporter, he announces plans to convert a section of the White House into a studio for The Oprah Winfrey Show. That enables him to appear on the show regularly and gives Oprah a bigger stage to continue leading America.

Osama bin Laden, upset that not enough people are listening to his recorded messages, releases his next video on YouTube and attracts millions of viewers by calling it "Osama's Night With Paris Hilton." But the viewers, most of them American, are disappointed to find Osama lecturing them from the steps of the Hilton hotel in Paris.

Robert Mugabe announces that he'll step down as president of Zimbabwe before he turns 100. Thousands of elated Zimbabweans dance in the streets, chanting, "Only 16 more years! Only 16 more years!" But a few weeks later, Mugabe makes another announcement: "I've instructed the Minister of Home Affairs to reissue my birth certificate. I'm now 40 years old."

Arnold Schwarzenegger is nominated for an Oscar for what the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences calls his "amazingly realistic portrayal of a politician who cares about the environment." An excited Schwarzenegger brags that one of his Hummers runs solely on hydrogen, saying, "Trust me, it's much better than gas."

The Olympic Games in Beijing produce a number of surprises, the biggest of which comes at the conclusion of the games, when journalists are stunned to realize that no member of the Bulgarian weightlifting team has tested positive for drugs. Another surprise occurs in women's gymnastics when a 14-year-old from Canada tests positive for food.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt announce that they have selected Botswana as the country in which their next baby will be conceived. They decline to reveal which lucky country will host the baby's birth, but British bookmakers make Malawi the early favorite, while offering 10,000 to 1 odds against it being Iraq.

Following a fatal attack by a Siberian tiger, the board of San Francisco Zoo decides not to keep wild tigers in small enclosures. Thousands of people buy tickets to see the new "Tiger in the Woods" exhibit. But many of them go home disappointed, saying, "We didn't even get to see Mrs. Woods."

Parliamentary elections are finally held in Pakistan, with the late Benazir Bhutto's Pakistan Peoples Party sweeping to power, allowing her husband, Asif Ali Zardari, to become the country's new crime minister. Her 19-year-old son, Bilawal Zardari, gets a newly created position in the Cabinet: Minister of Social Networking.

The children and the couch, a stained relationship

2008-01-15T15:10:00.000-06:00

My wife and I are in the market for a new couch. And by that I mean that she's looking for a piece of fine furniture that will enhance the decor of our living room, matching the other furnishings and creating an atmosphere of warmth and comfort, while I'm looking for something long enough to sleep on.

Our old couch has become rather ratty. We don't want to keep it much longer, even if we can get rid of the rats.

Actually, we don't have any rats. We have something worse: brats. Three of them, to be precise. There's a 5-year-old named Lekha who likes to jump on the couch, a 3-year-old named Divya who likes to spill food on the couch, and a 20-month-old named Rahul who likes to jump on the food on the couch. (Someone has to work it into the fabric.)

Rahul hasn't yet learned how to drink from cups, but when his sisters are drinking on the couch, he insists on doing it too. And when he's done, he's often the only one still sitting on the couch, though he'd feel drier and a lot more comfortable sitting on the kitchen sponge.

As you can imagine, Rahul has left a number of stains on the couch. I've tried to have a positive attitude about this. I've tried to think of him as an artist and the couch as his canvas. I've tried to move young Michelangelo around, so he can create a symmetrical pattern.

The problem is, the couch has been partitioned, in much the same way that India was. The left side belongs to Lekha, the right side to Divya, and the middle to Rahul. (I have to give my kids credit: they did a better job than the British.) What this means is that Rahul cannot move around freely, not without getting a visa.

Divya is like North Korea -- she usually denies visa requests. Lekha is more welcoming, but her fee can be rather excessive. And she insists on being paid in one of three currencies: cookies, cake or candy. If you look suspicious, as all boys do, she might put you through a search at the border. And if you don't follow her rules, she'll be quick to deport you.

Every now and then, I see my three children sitting together on one side of the couch, arms around each other, and it warms my heart, makes my day, as though they're Indian, Pakistani and Bangladeshi. I usually run to fetch the camera, but by the time I return, the borders are being enforced again.

If you're wondering why they're so protective about their sections of the couch, it's probably because they've buried some treasure there. Just stick your hands under the cushions and you'll come across a variety of treasure: hairpins, rubber bands, crayons, pizza slices.Yes, if you're hungry, don't run to the refrigerator -- make a dash for the right side of the couch and grab any food that doesn't have Rahul's footprints on it.

Before getting rid of the couch, I'm going to turn it over and get Lekha to jump on it. But I'm a little afraid of what might fall out.

It's been a few months since the neighbor last saw his cat.

Why gift when you can regift?

2007-12-18T22:02:00.000-06:00

If someone gives you a handbag you don't particularly like, what should you do with it? If you have a gift receipt or know which store it came from, you might be able to return it. But if you don't, you have three options: (1) Donate it to a thrift store or charity; (2) Regift it to a friend or relative; or (3) Keep it in a closet and take it out whenever you need to swat a fly.

Thankfully, no one gives me handbags, but I have received a few gifts I didn't like. And though I hate to admit it, I've regifted a couple of them fairly successfully. I say "fairly," because my California friend wasn't too crazy about the long underwear. But at least his wife seemed to appreciate the mustache trimmer.

You may think that regifting is tacky and improper, that it should be done only under extreme circumstances, such as when your pantry is overflowing with fruitcake and there just aren't enough dogs around. But regifting has become more common these days, partly because it solves two problems at once. It allows you to get rid of the unneeded gift while also saving you the trouble of going to the store and searching for a gift for a friend who doesn't really need anything and ought to be satisfied with the Anna Kournikova calendar, so what if he's gay. (Hey, I'm straight and I have a picture of Clay Aiken on my wall. No, wait, it's Meg Ryan.)

Regifting is far more common than you think. In fact, if you happen to receive one of those Chia Pets as a gift, keep in mind that it's probably been in circulation since 1979, probably been tossed out of more homes than an Amway rep.

Some gifts have traveled across the world and back. You give a white hat to Aunt Rani, who doesn't care for it and gives it to her cousin Shilpa, who gives it to her friend Anita, who takes it to India and gives it to her grandma, Archana, who gives it to her maid, Priya, who gives it to her mother, Raji, who glues a few shells on it and sells it for 2,000 rupees to an American tourist, who returns to New York and gives it to her mother, who is rather thrilled to have a replica of the Taj Mahal.

As you can see, regifting may result in some happiness down the line, even if it does cause a lot of grief along the way. But before you regift, you need to follow a number of rules. Here are just a few:

1. Do not give a gift to the same person who gave it to you. If you're not sure who gave you a certain gift, then don't give it anyone you know, except perhaps that middle-aged friend who's as forgetful as you.

2. Do not regift something that's been monogrammed. If your initials are "M.C.D." and they're printed on a cap, don't regift the cap to a friend, unless you can convince him that "M.C.D." stands for "Merry Christmas, Dude."

3. If an item is scratched or dented, do not regift it. The gift should look brand new, with no more than a few dozen fingerprints. Whatever you do, don't try to take advantage of any friends who are visually impaired. Just remember: They've got feelings. And they'll catch you.

4. Don't regift anything with a company logo printed on it, unless it has four wheels and an exhaust. Don't even think of regifting mugs, key chains and pens that say "2004 Republican National Convention." Friendships have been lost on far less.

5. Do not reuse the card you received with a gift. This is a bad idea, even if you have a convenient name and can change the words "Love, dad" to "Love, Soledad."

Photo by Shopping Diva

Dear Santa, I'm on your side

2007-12-18T21:49:00.001-06:00

Don’t get me wrong, Santa. I support your right to say “ho ho ho” to anyone you please. People who complain about that are just horrible and hopeless and probably offended that those words begin with ‘ho.’

I’m on your side, Santa, that’s what I want to say. I don’t agree with the U.S. Surgeon General, who believes you’re fat and unhealthy and a poor role model for kids. You’ve always been a good role model for me, Santa. At dinner time, when I’m trying to decide whether to have another slice of pizza, I always ask myself, “What would Santa do?” And then I eat five more.

I also disagree with the people who want you to stop saying “Merry Christmas” because it might offend people of other religions. It’s so easy to get offended these days, Santa. I could get offended every time someone says “What’s up?” to me. Frankly, Santa, I’m getting old and there’s nothing up anymore. Well, aside from my cholesterol, that is.

Listen, Santa, I’d prefer it if you didn’t say “Happy Holidays!” That’s just so dull and insipid. Instead of that, why not say “Merry Christmas!” to Christians and “Happy Diwali” to Hindus? And if you’re not sure if someone is Christian or Hindu, just say, “Merry Chriswali!”

I’m running out of space, Santa, so I’d better start my wish list. The first thing I’d like this Christmas is a full tank of gas. It’s getting too expensive to drive my car. I wish the gas station would change its name to “Exxon Bank,” so I wouldn’t feel so bad about depositing all my money there. (If you can’t afford to get me a full tank of gas, then just bring me an electric or hybrid car, Santa. Perhaps a Lexus that I can drive all the way to Texas.)

I’d also like one of those things that young people wear on their ears. I think it’s called a cell phone. Actually, I’d like two of them, Santa, one for each ear. That would make it easier for me to talk to myself. Frankly, Santa, I don’t know whom all those young people are talking to. I wish someone would call me –- other than that darn telemarketer in Bangalore.

I’d also like a blackberry, Santa. Perhaps an apple too. They’re not for me, Santa, they’re for my nephew. He’s always asking for fruit. I asked him if he likes any vegetables and he said something about “black-eyed peas.”

I’d also like one of those musical devices. I think it’s called an iPod. I could buy it myself, Santa, but my wife might object. I’d prefer to just say “iPod” to her, without having to say “iPaid.”

Finally, Santa, I’d like a pair of glasses. One for wine and the other for beer. I don’t usually drink, Santa, but I have a feeling my wife will –- as soon as she sees the latest deposit slip.

Photo by laughingboyottawa

Dear Santa, I'm on your side

2007-12-18T21:49:00.000-06:00

Dear Santa,

It’s been almost 365 days since I wrote to you and I want to begin by telling you that the gift you brought me last Christmas just didn’t cut it. I don’t know where you picked up that lousy beard trimmer. I guess it was silly of me to expect someone like you to know anything about beard trimmers.

Before I give you my wish list for this Christmas, I’m sure you want to know whether I’ve been naughty or nice. I’ve been extremely nice, Santa. Unlike you, I haven’t said “ho ho ho” to anyone. I haven’t called a single person “ho,” not even a married one. But I did get slapped in the garden center of Wal-Mart when I asked for a certain digging implement. People are just so touchy these days.

Don’t get me wrong, Santa. I support your right to say “ho ho ho” to anyone you please. People who complain about that are just horrible and hopeless and probably offended that those words begin with ‘ho.’

I’m on your side, Santa, that’s what I want to say. I don’t agree with the U.S. Surgeon General, who believes you’re fat and unhealthy and a poor role model for children. You’ve always been a good role model for me, Santa. At dinner time, when I’m trying to decide whether to have another slice of pizza, I always ask myself, “What would Santa do?” And then I eat five more.

I also disagree with the people who want you to stop saying “Merry Christmas” because it might offend people of other religions. It’s so easy to get offended these days, Santa. I could get offended every time someone says “What’s up?” to me. Frankly, Santa, I’m getting old and there’s nothing up anymore. Well, aside from my cholesterol, that is.

Listen, Santa, I’d prefer it if you didn’t say “Happy Holidays!” That’s just so dull and insipid. Instead of that, why not say “Merry Christmas!” to Christians and “Happy Diwali” to Hindus? And if you’re not sure if someone is Christian or Hindu, just say, “Merry Chriswali!”

I’m running out of space, Santa, so I’d better start my wish list. The first thing I’d like this Christmas is a full tank of gas. It’s getting too expensive to drive my car. I wish the gas station would change its name to “Exxon Bank,” so I wouldn’t feel so bad about depositing all my money there. (If you can’t afford to get me a full tank of gas, then just bring me an electric or hybrid car, Santa. Perhaps a Lexus that I can drive all the way to Texas.)

I’d also like one of those things that young people wear on their ears. I think it’s called a cell phone. Actually, I’d like two of them, Santa, one for each ear. That would make it easier for me to talk to myself. Frankly, Santa, I don’t know whom all those young people are talking to. I wish someone would call me – other than that darn telemarketer in Bangalore.

I’d also like a blackberry, Santa. Perhaps an apple too. They’re not for me, Santa, they’re for my nephew. He’s always asking for fruit. I asked him if he likes any vegetables and he said something about “black-eyed peas.”

I’d also like one of those musical devices. I think it’s called an iPod. I could buy it myself, Santa, but my wife might object. I’d prefer to just say “iPod” to her, without having to say “iPaid.”

Finally, Santa, I’d like a pair of glasses. One for wine and the other for beer. I don’t usually drink, Santa, but I have a feeling my wife will – as soon as she sees the latest deposit slip.

Photo by laughingboyottawa

Hit the border, the dollar is up

2007-11-10T12:13:00.000-06:00

If you just inherited 100,000 dollars from a long-lost relative, you’d better hope it’s from the right country. If it’s Canadian dollars, you can throw a big party; if it’s American or Australian dollars, you can pop some champagne; and if it’s Zimbabwean dollars, you’d better get a hanky.

Yes, the Zimbabwean dollar isn’t doing too well. Your inheritance might still buy you a car, but only if there’s a clearance sale at the toy store.

The U.S. dollar hasn’t plunged quite that far, but it’s starting to resemble Pam Anderson’s neckline. If it drops any further, Dick Cheney might have a heart attack.

At the start of the year, one U.S. dollar would get you 1.17 Canadian dollars, which was a pleasant surprise to American tourists, including the man who exclaimed, “I had no idea those people up north had their own money.”

Today, the U.S. dollar is worth 0.94 Canadian dollars, which has created a lot of excitement among Canadians, especially all the people who like to cross the border to shop. Marketing experts have a term for these people: ‘women.’

Canadian women, even those who don’t know the first thing about finances, are keeping track of the dollar’s value as closely as they keep track of General Hospital. “It’s up by a cent!” they yell to their husbands or boyfriends. “That means, if we convert $1,000, let me see ... we can get an extra set of panties!”

Go to any bank and you’re likely to find someone converting, someone with a big purse and an even bigger smile. There hasn’t been this much converting in Canada since Billy Graham last visited.

Head to the border and you’ll see a long line of cars waiting to enter the U.S. Some are filled with women – mothers and daughters, sisters and friends, eager to share the female bonding shopping experience. “Get your Visas ready, ladies,” one of them will say. “MasterCards too.”

But most don’t need credit cards – they’ve brought cash, loads of cash. (Don’t worry, they’ve kept it in a safe place, never mind that a few of them look like Dolly Parton.) Some have also brought their husbands and boyfriends along. Men are useful on these trips for three main reasons: (1) someone needs to keep an eye on the shopping bags outside the women’s fitting room; (2) someone needs to carry all the bags to the car; and (3) if they run out of cash and need to stop at a bank, someone needs to drive the getaway car.

Not only is the Canadian dollar worth more than its southern cousin, prices are generally lower in America, prompting across-the-border shoppers to load up on everything from soft drinks to software.

Wife: “How much space do we have in the car? Can we squeeze this microwave in?”

Husband: “No, it’s pretty crammed in there.”

Wife: “What about on your lap?”

Husband: “I’m carrying the refrigerator on my lap, remember?”

Wife: “What about on the roof?”

Husband: “No, we’d need to have a roof rack for that. We can’t just put a microwave on the roof. It might fall off. It’s unsafe.”

Wife: “Okay, what if we put the refrigerator on your seat and put the microwave on top of it?”

Husband: “Where will I sit?”

Wife: “Uh … what about on the roof?”

Photo by Kevin Dooley

No family reunion for Obama and Cheney

2007-11-10T12:10:00.000-06:00

Nothing has stunned me more this year than the news that presidential candidate Barack Obama and Vice President Dick Cheney are related. It’s almost like hearing that Paris Hilton has decided to become a missionary. Or that she knows how to spell “missionary.”

Obama is a Democrat, a die-hard liberal, while Cheney is a Republican, conservative to the core. But they do have some things in common. For example: two eyes, a nose and a mouth. The same number of limbs, too.

When it comes to buttering their bread, they’re both conservative. When it comes to buttering their staff, they’re both liberal.

Cheney has been known to hunt ducks. Obama has been known to duck hunts. Cheney has a reputation for stuffing his mouth. Obama has a reputation for mouthing stuff.

But even with such similarities, no one ever suspected that the two leaders were related. It was Cheney’s wife, Lynn, who discovered that they have a common ancestor while researching her memoir. She broke the news to her husband gently, moments after he revived her.

Dick: “Lynn, what’s wrong? Why did you faint?”

Lynn: “I just found out something about your past.”

Dick (turning pale): “What is it, honey? Is it something I can have expunged?”

Lynn: “No, Dick, this can’t be erased. You have a common ancestor with someone you don’t particularly like.”

Dick (turning even paler): “Who is it, honey? Clinton? Kennedy? Bin Laden?”

Lynn: “No, Barack Obama.”

Dick: “Phew! What a relief. It’s only Broke Bama.”

Lynn: “It’s Barack Obama, Dick. He’s your relative now, so you’d better learn how to pronounce his name.”

Obama and Cheney are apparently eighth cousins, with a common ancestor who lived in the 17th century. While Obama’s mother was American, his father was Kenyan, which means that there are a lot of people in Kenya who are now related to Cheney. And not many of them are happy about that, as a newspaper reporter found.

Reporter: “How do you feel about being related to Dick Cheney?”

George Obama (Barack’s cousin): “I don’t like it. He is the white sheep in the family.”

Reporter: “Don’t you mean ‘black sheep’?”

George: “No, we use the term ‘white sheep’ in Kenya.”

It’s not clear whether Obama’s relationship to Cheney will be a liability in the presidential race. Hillary Clinton, who’s running against Obama for the Democratic nomination, says she will not remind voters that Obama is related to Cheney, as long as he does not remind voters that she is related to Bill.

Another candidate, John Edwards, says he isn’t concerned about the relationship at all. “I don’t think it should be an issue in the presidential campaign,” he said. “I happen to like Barack Cheney. I mean, Obama.”

Cheney is not running for political office in 2008, but even he’s feeling the strain of being related to someone of a different political stripe. “Dick doesn’t have a liberal bone in his body,” an anonymous friend said. “But a few years ago, he discovered that his daughter is a lesbian and now he’s found out that one of his cousins is a liberal. Is it any wonder that the man keeps having heart attacks?”

The world records that make me proud

2007-10-09T00:27:00.000-05:00

Please excuse me while I show a little national pride. It’s not every day that I get to revel in the accomplishments of my countrymen. After all, India has won just three medals in the last six Olympic Games, two bronze and one silver, despite the Indian Olympic Association’s best efforts to find good athletes and lure them to India.

So you can imagine my excitement when Mahdi Habib, a loyal reader from Saudi Arabia, sent me an article about all the Indians who’ve managed to get into the Guinness World Records book. According to the Associated Press article, India holds 219 Guinness records – and some of them are quite impressive. Radhakant Bajpai, for example, set a record by growing his ear hair 5.19 inches long. When I read about that, I pumped my fist in the air and shouted, “Go India!”

As far as I know, no American or Russian has ever come close to that feat, perhaps because they have other priorities, such as attracting the opposite sex. But I choose to believe that many of them are trying their best to grow their ear hair, applying Rogaine to their lobes morning and night, dreaming of beating the great Radhakant Bajpai and becoming “Ear Hair King of the World.”

Bajpai is quite proud of his hair. If you ask him about it, he’ll give you an earful. "Making it to Guinness World Records is indeed a special occasion for me and my family," he said, according to GuinnessWorldRecords.com. "God has been very kind to me." Unfortunately, God has not been so kind to his two sons, Satyam and Anchal, leaving their disappointed father with no hair apparent.

Bajpai’s achievement is certainly impressive – he’s the Tiger Woods of ear hair – but so are the feats of other Indians. Vadivelu Karunakaren is the fastest ever to skip 10 miles, doing it in 58 minutes in Chennai on Feb. 1, 1990. If there were a skipping Hall of Fame, he would definitely be in it, along with a few kangaroos.

Arvind Morarbhai Pandya, another Indian hero, ran 940 miles backwards in 26 days and seven hours. That’s truly amazing. I’ve never tried running backwards, unless you count the time I accidentally walked into the ladies room. (I probably set a record myself: most red-faced Indian ever.)

Perhaps the most impressive Indian record holder is a man named Guinness Rishi, who changed his first name from Har Parkash after making it into the prestigious book. According to the AP article, Rishi and two partners, Amarjeet Singh and Navjot Chadha, set a record for longest non-stop team two-wheeler ride, keeping a motor scooter going for 1,001 hours, covering 19,241 miles. I really don’t know how they did it. Were they all on the scooter at the same time? If so, how did they eat? How did they take naps? How did they check their email?

Rishi, 66, says he has set more than a dozen records, though the scooter record is the only one recognized by Guinness. His feats include drinking a bottle of ketchup in 39 seconds, building a 64-inch sugar cube tower, and adopting his 61-year-old brother-in-law. He has also written the longest will in the world, while his wife, Bimla, has written the shortest: “All to son.” (She left Rishi out of her will on purpose, helping him set a record for longest scream.)

The AP article notes that nine countries, including America, Britain, Germany and Australia, have set more Guinness records than India. That may be true, but I’m sure none of those records are as impressive as the Indian ones. I’m sure none of them involve ear hair.

In search of America on a world map

2007-09-01T02:23:00.000-05:00

In the final round of the recent Miss Teen USA 2007 pageant, Lauren Upton – better known as Miss Teen South Carolina – was asked this question: "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

Upton paused briefly, then proceeded to give a most revealing answer, part of which sounded like this: “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some ... people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and ...”

When I heard that “a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map,” I was really surprised, because I didn’t realize that four-fifths CAN. I decided to conduct my own survey to see if this was true, using a map with all the names deleted. To make sure my survey was scientific, I questioned only randomly selected people, both men and women, from all over Lauren Upton’s hometown.

Me: “Excuse me, mister, can you show me where America is on this world map.”

Young man (pointing): “Yeah, of course I can. There it is.”

Me: “Uh … actually, that’s Iraq.”

Young man: “Isn’t that part of America?”

Me: “No, not yet.”

Young man: “But there are lots of Americans there, so it’s sort of like America, isn’t it?”

Me: “I suppose so. What about you, Miss? Do you know where America is?”

Young woman: “Sorry, I’m not good with directions. There’s a gas station down the road.”

Me: “I don’t want directions. I just want to see if you can find America on this map.”

Young woman: “Oh, okay then. There it is.”

Me: “Uh … actually, that’s the Democratic Republic of Congo.”

Young woman: “Was I close?”

Me: “Sort of. What about you, sir? Can you tell me where America is?”

Elderly man: “You’re standing on it!”

Me: “No, I mean, can you show me where it is on this map?”

Elderly man: “I’ll try, but you have to remember that it’s been years since I studied geography in high school.”

Me: “I don’t think America has moved since then, sir.”

Elderly man: “I know it hasn’t moved, but I’m sure it has gotten bigger. Isn’t Canada part of America now?”

Me: “No, not yet.”

Elderly man: “Then why is there a team from Canada in the NATIONAL Basketball Association.”

Me: “I don’t know, sir. Can you point at America on the map please?”

Elderly man (pointing): “There it is.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, that’s Georgia.”

Elderly man: “What d’ya mean? Georgia is in America!”

Me: “That’s the country of Georgia. It’s next to Russia and was part of the former Soviet Union.”

Elderly man (shouting): “Georgia belongs to America! The Soviets don’t have it!”

Me: “Okay, sir, whatever you say. What about you, ma’am, can you tell me where America is on this map?”

Fifty-something woman: “Sure, I can. Let me see … America is a big country, so it shouldn’t be hard to find. There it is.”

Me: “Uh … sorry, that’s the Atlantic Ocean.”

Fifty-something woman: “We own part of it, don’t we?”

Me: “I suppose so. What about you, sir, can you find America on this map?”

Thirty-something man (pointing): “There it is!”

Me: “Congratulations! You found America on a world map!”

Thirty-something man: “What do I win?”

Me: “Sorry, there are no prizes. This is just a survey.”

Thirty-something man: “That's too bad. I was hoping to send the prize to my family in Mexico.”

Me: "You're from Mexico?"

Thirty-something man: "Yes, but I hope to become an American one day."

Me: “Do you mind if I consider you an American for the purposes of my survey?”

Thirty-something man: “No problem.”

There you have it then. Four out of five Americans can find America on a world map. Sort of.