Funny Joke Site

Funny Holiday Cards

2011-11-15T01:35:00.000-08:00

If you're interested in doing something different this year around holiday season, consider sending out funny holiday Cards. It's one of the best ways to add cheer and joy to the air with friends and family, or even clients if you want to send humorous business holiday cards.

To create your own funny holiday cards, you'll need to first decide what type of material you want to use to print your cards. The selection is vast, so you'll want to research it a little before setting anything in stone. If you're creating a lot of cards, you might be able to save a considerable amount of money simply by printing your cards on a slightly lighter cardstock. The heavier the cardstock, the more expensive you cards will be.

Once you've decided on the cardstock, consider how you want your card to look – some might opt to print the funny elements on the front, while others might opt to print everything on the inside. Remember, there's no right or wrong when it comes to this, so have fun and enjoy the creative process. If you're not sure, ask your print specialists for their recommendation – many companies offer highly experienced professionals with a knack for creative projects. In addition, if interested in adding Christmas related graphics or fonts, ask to see the selections available.

There are lots of funny holiday card templates available online. You can also order printed holiday cards online. If you are a business that sends lots of holiday cards in a rush, many of the online printers have printing and mailing option: they can send cards to your clients directly.

Sending funny holiday Cards can help share a laugh and bring your friends and family closer in a lighthearted fashion, so if you feel those around you need a good laugh, consider sending them a funny Christmas card.

Funny Cat!

2009-01-22T08:57:00.000-08:00

Eyes and Lips

2008-09-09T09:16:00.001-07:00

Life in Space

2007-11-14T23:35:00.001-08:00

Did you like this? Subscribe here

Great Pics From My Other Site

2007-11-13T02:36:00.000-08:00

Cool Ads

Russian Former President Boris Yeltsin in Action

2007-10-12T01:47:00.000-07:00

Did you like this? Subscribe here

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel

2007-10-10T08:49:00.000-07:00

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

Did you like this? Subscribe here

Game- Monkey Kick Off

2007-09-28T07:00:00.001-07:00

Help Monkey kick the giant coconut all the way to the Monkey Village!

Did you like this? Subscribe here

Game- Snow Line

2007-09-28T06:51:00.000-07:00

Help Santa Claus collect the presents ready for delivery on Christmas Eve

Did you like this? Subscribe here

Animated Walls

2007-09-20T05:29:00.000-07:00

Did you like this? Subscribe here

Jokes :)

2007-09-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

Quote of the Day
Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Young Amanpreet never quite got over his miserable
childhood as an orphan in the ghetto. When he turned 18 he joined the Marines, but old habits die hard and one night the sergeant found him rummaging around the garbage and eating out of the discarded cans and jars.
"On your free, Lizard Pecker," he bellowed. "You'll eat in
the message hall - you're no better than the rest of us!"

I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights.
A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride, from Dayton, Ohio, to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each grandson a bag.
The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

Did you like this? Subscribe here

Insane 747-400 Landing

2007-09-06T03:37:00.001-07:00

Five Secrets to Bad Search Engine Rankings

2007-09-06T02:00:00.000-07:00

There are lots of tips out there on optimizing your site for search engines, but one of the key things is to avoid doing things that sabotage your efforts to get great search engine rankings. In case you hate getting visitors, like to end up on page 20 of Google results for your site’s keywords, and prefer to be a starving blogger, here are five secrets to bad search engine rankings:

1. Ramble in your blog posts - Hey, who needs a topic? I mean, it’s your blog and if you want to cover politics, sex, celebrities and that weird dream you had last night, all in one post, who’s to stop you? Have fun. I’m not sure what title you’d give it, but I’m sure lots of people are searching for terms like “my random thoughts today.”

2. Only write about what’s relevant right now - Evergreen content’s for sissies! I’m sure lots of people still want to know about Tom and Katie’s wedding, or the 2004 U.S. presidential election. By the time your post gets spidered by the search engines, no one will be searching for those hyper-timely items. C’est la vie!

3. Be anti-social - Don’t link to other bloggers. Don’t have a blogroll. Don’t comment in other blogs. Don’t join groups at social bookmarking sites like StumbleUpon. You are a blog island unto yourself. I’m sure you have the lack of inbound links to prove it.

4. Don’t do keyword research - What are you, a librarian? You just wanna blog, so just blog. Who cares if more people are about twice as likely to search for the term photo than the term picture? You want people to work really hard to find you so they earn a spot as a reader.

5. Write sporadically - You want to keep those readers, and those search engines, guessing. Don’t post daily or even weekly. Just post when the mood strikes you. Maybe it’s daily this week, and then you go a month without posting. Hopefully, the search engine will spider your blog right when you’ve had a long delay. That way, you can be sure the creepy spider stays away for a nice long time. And as a bonus, you will be sure readers get turned off. Seeing a most recent posting date that is, well, dated, is oh-so enticing.

Did you like this? Subscribe here

I Can Read This! Can You?

2007-09-04T08:08:00.000-07:00

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 of 100 plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

22 Mistakes in Movie "Transformers"

2007-09-04T05:53:00.000-07:00

Continuity: In the scene when Scorponok first attacks the soldiers, he kills a soldier wearing glasses and a boonie hat, but the same soldier reappears running down the hill as Scorponok jumps out of the sand.

Continuity: During the scene in which the four autobots crash-land, one of them lands in a field after bouncing off a ridge. In the next shot, Sam and Mikaela walk over and watch the autobot start to transform.
However, this can't be possible. All four autobots flew over Sam and Mikaela as they were standing in front of the building with Bumblebee, so they would have to walk through the field that the autobot landed in in order to see it. Also the distance that the autobot travelled once it hit the floor must have been a good few hundred metres, which would take several minutes to walk through, by which time the autobot would have been long gone. For example, the one that landed in the DVD store transformed and was gone within a couple of minutes, before the kids with the camcorder got there.

Continuity: when Maggie steals the info and puts it on an sd card, she waves down a cab, the next shot is a different cab dropping her off.

Visible crew/equipment: When Sam is talking to Mikaela's boyfriend, you can see the camera and crew reflected in the Hummers mirrors.

Revealing: When Blackout is destroying the base in Qatar, a few Humvees get flipped over, and none of them have engines in them.

Visible crew/equipment: During the scene when Sam, is telling the story of his grandfather and at the same time trying to sell his grandfather's items, you can see the boom mic just above his head.

Continuity: In the scene in the interrogation room with the two programmers there is a big plate of doughnuts which the hacker eats very quickly. But take a look at the plate between shots when he's talking and you'll see that the amount of doughnut left on the plate varies greatly: Sometimes there's one whole doughnut left, other times, in the same conversation, there's only crumbs.

Continuity: In the scene where Mikaela is telling Sam about her juvie record, he puts his sweater on. When it jumps to the next shot his sweater is on his shoulder. It stays on his shoulder for the next couple of shots, and then it goes back on and stays on.

Factual error: In the beginning of the scene where the Decepticon is on Air force One they show a 747 but when they land and they show the Decepticon sneaking off the plane the Air Force One shown is a 707. Although you don't see the whole plane, the engines are that of a 707, long and slender versus big and round like a 747.

Continuity: When Bumblebee is captured by Sector Seven, the camera goes back to Optimus Prime talking to Mikaela and Sam. If you look at her hair, it is loose and flowing. In the next shots when Sector Seven capture them, Mikaelas hair is tied up at the back, she had no time to tie it up.

Plot hole: When one of the robots pull Sam's pants off, when they first meet Bumblebee, he wearing boxers with some kind of design on them. Later, Sam is bending over the Hoover dam, and he is very noticeably wearing different underwear, yet he has had no time whatsoever to change them. Even if he did, [which he doesn't] why wouldn't he change his clothes also?

Revealing: When Sam is driving Mikaela home, nothing at all is visible outside. The only thing visible outside of the vehicle are bright, white screens. The conditions outside are obviously right for there to be something else visible other than white screens.

Visible crew/equipment: When Sam and his friend head for the party at the lake, as they drive by the lake and the camera cranes up to show the lake, you can blatantly see the shadow of the camera on the crane moving up.

Continuity: In the scene where Sam and his parents are being arrested by the Sector 7 officers, inside the house Sam is wearing a blue Strokes t-shirt over a white long sleeved shirt. When the shot changes and Sam and his parents are being led in hand cuffs to the police cars, a brown sweatshirt is tucked between Sam's left arm and his back due to the handcuffs. In the next shot, Sam is wearing the brown sweatshirt as he says a line of dialogue. The camera cuts to Agent Simmons of Sector 7, then goes back to Sam, who is now wearing the Strokes shirt and the brown sweatshirt is draped over his left shoulder.

Continuity: In the city, after Ironhide flips over the missiles that Devastator shot at him, he can be seen falling very close to the ground, but in the next shot, he is much higher up so that he can then shoot himself back up-right.

Continuity: When Jazz uses his magnetic hand to remove some of the guns from the Sector 7 people, the guns fly into his palm, but in the next shot, his hand is down and there are no guns in his hand or on the ground. He couldn't have put his hand down or throw the guns away that fast between the shots.

Factual error: In the scene where Starsceam gets into a dogfight with the F-22's, look at the end of the wings and you see weapon pylons. F-22's don't carry their weapons on the outside, their weapons are hidden in the fuselage to reduce drag and maximize stealth. Also, throughout the scene the F-22's don't have thrust vectoring nozzles, but the F-22 is the first production fighter with these because they make the plane more manoeuvrable.

Factual error: When the F-22 Raptors attack the transformers on the ground, if you look closely, the missiles are AIM-120 AMRAAMs used strictly for Air-to-Air engagements.

Other: During the last fight, Megatron and Optimus Prime flies through an office building while locked in combat. It is shown that the interior of this building is filled with both people and furniture, but when they crash through the last wall, only building debris fall to the ground with them. No people, furniture, office supplies, papers or any of the things that the building was full of.

Visible crew/equipment: When Sam and his dad pull into the car dealership you can briefly see the camera crew in the reflection of the window.

Revealing: When Bumblebee is caught and then frozen, you can tell that he isn't animated and is rather an enormous prop, because he is a lot cleaner than his animated counter-part.

Continuity: In the scene where Sam is looking at himself in the mirror, there is a toxic waste/skull and cross bones picture under it, with a white area under that. The camera cuts, Sam does something, then it cuts again to show the mirror; now there is writing in the white area.

via MovieMistakes

Did you like this? Subscribe here

Women Explained In Diagrams

2007-08-30T16:59:00.001-07:00

Did you like this? Subscribe here

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist

2007-08-27T11:35:00.000-07:00

1. Go to O'Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin a cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss and complain.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:

$50 parts

$12 beer

$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!

$1000 Bail

$200 Impound and towing fee

Total: $1337

Did you like this? Subscribe here

Street Magic Tricks Revealed

2007-08-25T03:22:00.000-07:00

Many of you probably wonder how street magicians do their tricks. Here are the explanations. Watch, learn and impress your friends:

Video 1
* Ash on palm
* Vanishing coin
* The card you imagined
* Arm twist (explanation in next video)

Video 2
* Arm twist
* Rising card
* Mind Reading
* Spades
* Another Mind Reading

Video 3
* Name burn
* Resurrection
* Time machine

Video 4
* Moving match
* Hole in the coin

Video 5
* Head off the dove
* Levitation

Did you like this? Subscribe here

Rising Card Trick Revealed

2007-08-24T06:07:00.001-07:00

I saw this video, where magician chooses random card, puts it back in the pack, and the chosen card mysticaly rises up

There is no magic

Did you like this? Subscribe here

Top 20 geek quotes, sayings and phrases

2007-08-23T06:08:00.000-07:00

1. There is no place like 127.0.0.1

2. There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

3. Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken

4. You know it’s love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead

5. I had a dream… and there were 1’s and 0’s everywhere, and I think I saw a 2!

6. Roses are #FF0000,
Violets are #0000FF.
All my base
Are belong to you.

7. If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0

8. I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code

9. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…

10. A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those?

11. The box said ‘Requires Windows 95 or better’. So I installed LINUX.

12. Windows 98 supports real multitasking - it can boot and crash simultaneously

13. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

14. My Software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

15. The speed of sound is defined by the distance from door to computer divided by the time interval needed to close the media player and pull up your pants when your mom shouts “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!

16. The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it’s twice as big as it needs to be.

17. Passwords are like underwear. You shouldn’t leave them out where people can see them. You should change them regularly. And you shouldn’t loan them out to strangers

18. Computers are incredibly fast, accurate, and stupid; humans are incredibly slow, inaccurate and brilliant; together they are powerful beyond imagination. — Albert Einstein

19. 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

20. I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly

Did you like this? Subscribe here

The Ugliest Face I Have Ever Seen

2007-08-23T05:59:00.001-07:00

This is so wrong...

Did you like this? Subscribe here

Egg In The Hole- Breakfrast Threat

2007-08-23T01:07:00.001-07:00

Jokes :)

2007-08-23T01:05:00.001-07:00

Quote of the Day
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Three construction workers were down town working on a high-rise. A black guy, a Mexican, and a Polish guy. Come lunch time, the three sit down together on a beam and open their lunchboxes. The black guy opens his box and finds chicken wings and grits. "Man, I hate this crap. I've been eating this stuff since I was a kid."
The Mexican opens his box and finds burritos and rice. "Me too man. I've had to eat this sh.t since I was little too."
The Polish guy opens his box and finds a PB&J sandwich. "I'm with you guys. I've been eating this stuff for way too long."
A week later, the three workers were up on the 30th floor. Come lucnch time, the three sit down together on the beam and open thier lunchboxes. The black guy opens his, and sure enough, chicken wings and grits. "Son of a bi..h. I swear, if I get this crap one more time, I'm jumping."
The Mexican opens his box, and there it is, burritos and rice. "Me too man. I'm sick of this crap. If I get this crap again, I'm jumping too."
The Polish guy opens his box, and sure enough, a PB&J sandwich. "I'm with you guys. If I get another one of these damn sandwiches, I'm jumping with you two."
A week passes, and the three are working on the 50th floor. Lunch time comes, and the three sit down together. The black guy opens his box, sees the chicken wings and grits. Standing up, he says goodbye to his friends and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his box, and sure enough, burritos and rice. Saying goodbye to his friend, he too, jumps to his death.
The Polish guy opens his box, sees the PB&J sandwich, and jumps to his death as well.
A few days later at the funeral, the wives of the three workers were standing around and condoling each other. "I just don't get." the black guy's wife said. "He never told me he didn't like chicken wings or grits."
"I know," the Mexican's wife said. "He never told me about the burritos or rice. I would have gladly made him something else."
As the two talked, they noticed that the Polish guy's wife was still crying her eyes out. "There, there, dear. It'll be alright." they said to her.
"I-I just don't understand it," she cried. "I mean, each day he made his own damn lunch."

Dear Heavenly Father,
I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...
But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help!

Little Emily ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.
"What's wrong, dear?" asked her father.
"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed.
"How did he break it, Emily?"
"I hit him over the head with it."

Did you like this? Subscribe here

Pimp My Ride

2007-08-20T12:07:00.000-07:00

And You Wonder Why Women Choose To Stay Alone?

2007-08-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

Did you like this? Subscribe here