Funny Jokes and Comedy for Fun

Talking Parrots With Foul Mouths - joke

2010-02-16T23:47:00.001-08:00

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

ODOR IN THE COURT! - Animal Joke

2010-02-16T23:46:00.001-08:00

One day in a court trial, a skunk walks in and the judge yells, ODOR IN THE COURT!!!

Ex-Girlfriend and Celebrating - joke

2010-02-16T23:45:00.001-08:00

A husband is sitting with his wife at his 65th high school reunion. The husband kept staring at a drunken lady swigging a case of Miller Lite. The wife was getting jealous that her husband was staring at the lady instead of her. So she demanded “Do you know her!?!”. “Yes” said the husband calmly. “She’s an ex-girlfriend of mine. We split up when we was in 11th grade. And I heard she hasn’t been sober since.” he said. “My god!” said the wife. “Who would think that someone could go that long celebrating?”

What Do You Call…

2010-02-16T23:44:00.001-08:00

What do you call a cheap Jew’s daughter?
Penny.

What do you call a guy who cancels laws?
Vito.

What do you call a guy who has diamonds instead of testicles?
Jules.

What do you call a guy who lets people shit all over him?
John.

What do you call a guy with mucus in his throat?
Fleming.

What do you call a woman during her period?
Flo.

What do you call a woman who lets frogs sit on her face?
Lily.

What do you call a woman who likes to go down on other women?
Mufly.

What do you call a woman with a moist pussy?
Marsha.

70 Ways to keep a women happy

2010-02-14T00:16:00.001-08:00

There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy

One is to take her shopping.

The rest is 69.

3 Wishes

2010-02-14T00:13:00.002-08:00

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

Small Business Bailout Plan

2010-02-14T00:13:00.000-08:00

American Idol Jokes

2010-02-14T00:11:00.000-08:00

Top 3 Signs Your Probably Going To Lose

Simon Agrees, American Idol Sucks

1. Vegas bookies say the Blue Jays have better odds of winning the World Series.
2. North Korea they'll stop producing enriched uranium if you get voted off.
3. Your own mother says, "You're great, but I'm really a big fan of Sanjiya!"

Top 3 Signs William Hung Is Your Prom Date

1. His tux, the limo, the hotel room... it's all been rented for just 15 minutes.
2. The DJ announces "Our next song - by request, for the tenth time tonight... 'She Bangs!'"
3. He tore your dress, trashed your corsage and stepped on *both* your feet dancing... but his goofy charm convinces you to give it up anyway!

Top 3 Things You Can Say Now That You Lost

1. "George Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself!"
2. "Up until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was either!"
3. "If you want an encore, I'll be working the 10-6 shift at Old Navy tomorrow!"

Electric Train

2010-02-13T22:37:00.000-08:00

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Impossible to Please

2010-02-13T22:36:00.000-08:00

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Two zebras pondering

2010-02-13T22:33:00.000-08:00

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

From A Mother With Love

2010-02-13T22:30:00.001-08:00

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

ABC's of ex girlfriends

2010-02-13T22:29:00.001-08:00

is for Arteries.

You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

stands for Kill.

is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

Best Tiger Woods Crash Jokes

2010-02-13T22:27:00.001-08:00

* When asked by the police how many times she hit Tiger, Elin replied "I'm not sure, put me down for a 5"

* I think Tiger needs a new driver, his current shaft keeps getting him in trouble!

* I read that the PGA are now investigating Tiger for having too many "woodies" in his bag!

* Tiger and Elin will get back together because she is already hitting on him.

* After scoring a couple of beautiful birdies earlier on, Tiger finds himself in serious trouble at the last hole, coming home.

* Did Elin use a "rescue club" to extract him from the Escalade?

* Tiger was found exactly two club lengths from his car due to a lost ball penalty - if the cops would have arrived a minute later he'd have lost the other one as well.

* Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

* What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

* Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

* Tiger's tip for wayward golfers: never ask your wife to keep track of your balls.

* I always knew Woods was a better putter than driver.

* Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

* What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 300 yards.

* If Elin really did whack Tiger a couple of times with a golf club, it would have been in line with the rules of golf: there's a 2-stroke penalty for playing the wrong hole.

* Hey Adidas, this is Tiger, Nike found your number in my phone. I need you to change your name...

Valentine’s Day Jokes

2010-02-13T22:25:00.001-08:00

February 14th is right around the corner, which means it's time for a few misguided Valentine's Day Jokes to poke fun at the day Cupid makes his rounds poking people in the butt with painful arrows and such. Rather than bore you with a bunch of babbling, we'll get right to the funny jokes.

Top 5 Valentine (Or Love / Marriage) Quotes

1. "The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead." ~Ann Landers

2. "I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste." ~David Bissonnette

3. "It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week." ~Laurence J. Peter

4. "Women are cursed, and men are the proof." ~Rosanne Barr

5. "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." ~Groucho Marx

Top 5 (Lame) Question and Answer Valentine Jokes

Q: What is a ram's favourite song on February 14th?

A: I only have eyes for ewe!

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?

A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?

A: I'm stuck on you!

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?

A: You turn me on.

Obsessed Mothers And Their Children

2010-02-13T22:23:00.000-08:00

A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," the doctor observed.

To the 1st mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He looks to the 2nd mother, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He looks to the 3rd mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says... "Come on, Dick, we're leaving!"

Blonde paint job

2010-02-13T22:20:00.003-08:00

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Why I Fired My Secretary

2010-02-13T22:20:00.001-08:00

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such abeautiful day ... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

Hippie And The Nun

2010-02-13T22:19:00.000-08:00

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!"

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says "Surpise, its me the Hippie!"

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says "Surprise, its me the bus driver!"

Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

2010-02-13T22:17:00.001-08:00

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Girls night out

2010-02-13T22:15:00.001-08:00

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Dirty Text Messages

2010-02-13T22:13:00.002-08:00

A guy wlks ^ 2 a gal ina bar n asks,
“Do u wn2 play mgic?”
“What’s dat?” she replies.
he continues, ”
You cum b2 my plce, av sx, thN DSapER.”
“Doctor, dr, I kip seein lil blk spots B4 my Iyz.”
“Have u seen a dr B4?”
“No, jst lil blk spots.”
Patient: I alw C spots B4 my Iyz.
Doc: Didn’t d nu glasses hlp?
Patient: Sure, now IC d spots mch clearer.

SMS Love Quotes

2010-02-13T22:13:00.000-08:00

“You dnt lov a wmn coz shes btifl, bt shes btifl coz u lov her.”
“Love tAkz off masks dat we fear we cnot liv w/o n knw we cnot liv witn.”
An insincere n }-) pal S mor 2B feared thN a wyld beast; a wyld beast may wound yr bod, bt an }-) pal wl wound yr mind.
A kiss S alovely trick dsignD by nature 2 stop spEch wen wrds Bcum superfluous.
lyf w/o lov S lk a trE w/o blossoms or fruit.
Let yr lov B lk d misty rains, cmng softly, bt flooding d rivA.

HAIL TO THE CHIEF

2010-02-13T22:07:00.000-08:00

A man runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your

best single-malt scotch, quick!"

The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them

down, one at a time, as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink

that fast."

The man says, "Well, you'd drink that fast if you had

what I have."

The bartender says, "Oh my God. What is it? What

do you have?"

The man says, "Fifty cents."

I'm a comedian, you know. That's how I started in show business, and that's what I'll always be, long after the lovable TV Drew is dead or lives on in syndication. Comedians make fun of presidents. And their families. That's because next to popes, presidents are the ultimate sacred cows. That's my only excuse for doing this. It's an irresistible primal urge.

So to all the presidents or their families who might read this (yeah, fat chance): nothing personal. I'm just doing my job. Laugh, and the world laughs with you.

You lying sons of bitches. Ronald Reagan has Alzheimer's disease. He's always had Alzheimer's disease. Ever since Iran-contra. Does he seriously expect anyone to believe that he didn't know what Oliver North was up to? Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

I didn't even mind that he did it. Arms for hostages. Sounded like a great plan. Something out of a Le Carre novel. But don't lie about it. And thanks for all the national debt, peckerhead.

Glad it helped make you popular.

"We need to balance the budget!" Oh, really?

Then why didn't you? Nancy's astrologer didn't think it was the right time? Jupiter wasn't in line with Venus, or some other such New Age crap you let her use to help run the country? Did Nancy ever dress in a turban and throw chicken bones around the Oval Office to help you decide what to have for lunch?

Maybe it was because the Star Wars program was so expensive. By the way, whatever happened to that? Didn't you get us to spend billions of dollars for it? Where the fuck is it? I know that the Russians aren't much of a threat anymore, but so what? People drive Porsches when a Honda will do. Where the fuck is our billion-dollar, Russian-zapping Porsche?

I will give Reagan credit for keeping the military stakes so high with Russia that to compete with us, they ruined their economy and their whole system collapsed. Thanks. (Although, now I'm scared of pesky little countries like Azerbaijan, not to mention every disgruntled Russian scientist with a nuclear bomb for sale.)

That is, I'll give his staff credit for ruining Russia. They were the brains of the outfit, if you ask me. Sometimes I think that the whole Reagan administration was like one of those movies where they would find a guy who looks just like the president, teach him how to act like the president, and then kill the real president.

Also, I was in the marines during the Reagan years, and any presidential look-alike that beefs up the military is a-okay with me. The entire collapse of the Bush era can be summed up in six words: "Read My Lips, No New Taxes." I bet you hear those words in your sweat-drenched nightmares, don't you George?

The American public didn't seem to mind that he lied about his involvement in the Iran-contra scandal, even though he was at all the meetings. Even though he used to be the head of the Central Intelligence Agency, so you knew he knew about everything that everybody did everywhere. I'm sure he still got the newsletter. And they loved him for taking the lead on the Gulf War. Thanks for keeping our gas prices low, low, low. Thanks for making Kuwait safer than South Central LA. I hope to vacation there someday.

Thanks for not killing Sadaam when you had the chance. I had five minutes about Sadaam in my act and didn't want to lose it. But oh, Jesus, did they hate you over "Read My Lips." It's too bad you didn't say it while you were head of the CIA. You could've claimed it was some kind of secret code that meant, "A Chicken In Every Pot."

But what did we expect from a guy that let himself get pushed around by the Democratic Congress on budgetary issues worse than Reagan did. After all, raising taxes wasn't his idea, he just went along with it like some idiot. (I can't, in good conscience, blame only presidents for this country being in such out-of-control

debt. I blame Congress, mostly, because they're the only ones that are constitutionally allowed to spend money. But it doesn't help when president after president lets them get away with it without having at least some of them secretly assassinated.)

Clinton. Where to start with the lyingest, bullshittingest, most insincere misrepresenter to ever hold the office?

Didn't inhale, didn't waggle his dick at Paula Jones, wasn't greedy during the eighties, only wants to help, feels your pain, never did a line of blow, has

a plan for every problem in your life no matter how small it is.

Bullshit.

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

He didn't inhale because he was stupid and didn't know how. He wanted to get high, he just couldn't figure out the complicated respiratory trick that

even your average crack head can do.

He doesn't remember shaking his trouser snake at Paula Jones, because he probably did it so many times to so many women that she got lost in the shuffle. He's willing to (as of this writing, anyway)donate some $600,000 that she's asking for to a charity to settle the case, but he didn't do it. And Michael

Jackson never molested a little boy.

Everything he says to us sounds like some practiced pick-up line that you'd hear from some old guy trying to get laid in a disco.

"I feel your pain, baby. Let's go back to my

place."

"Hi, I'm the education president. Nice tits."

He needed to raise all our taxes to get back at the rich people who were so greedy during the awful Reagan-Bush years. (Remember the Reagan-Bush years? How terrible things were?) I think that in my best year during Reagan-Bush I made just over thirty thousand. In 1989, the last year of the so called "Decade of Greed" I was living out of my car trying not to put a bullet through my head. And then soon as Clinton gets elected and I just start to make good money, he wants to raise my taxes to get back at me.

Well, fuck you.

What were you and your wife doing in the eighties,huh? Living off the land? No, you prick, you and your lawyer wife were doing sweetheart land deals and trading in pork futures and trying to get rich like every other yuppie. You even sent your daughter to an exclusive private rich-kid school. Nice going, especially since

you're so vigorously opposed to school vouchers which would let the average Joe provide the same opportunities to his daughter that you gave to yours.

The education president, my ass. Public schools in America suck. You said as much yourself when you wouldn't send your own daughter to one. You think she'd be going to Stanford if she went to a public school in D.C.? She'd be lucky to be going to a decent community college right now. Instead of being a doctor, her goal would be to read at an eighth-grade level.

You and your "Mandate for Change." You never got more than half of the popular vote. You didn't get elected by a landslide, you fell through the cracks. I've had it with all these assholes. Every election I have to hold my nose to vote. The way they go on and on, taking credit for things they didn't do, blaming

the other party for every bad thing that no one has control over, making promises they have no intention of keeping just because a poll told them the

public wanted to hear it . . .

And they always have a plan for solving every problem. Poverty, Crime, AIDS; you name it, and Big Brother can solve it right from his Ivory Tower in Washington, D.C. Call a press conference, give a speech, appoint a committee: problem solved as far as any president is concerned. On to the next problem.

For example, while I was writing this chapter, Big Brother Bill gave a "major speech" in California about racism. What he said was that racism is bad, he was against it, and if we all just worked together a little harder, we could get rid of it.

Race problem solved. Congratulations. Better put on your lab coat and get to work on that AIDS vaccine now, huh?