Funny Jokes Make Me Cry

A cowboy from Montana and a cowboy from California are on a sheep drive. They ...

2013-04-16T21:33:00.000-07:00

A cowboy from Montana and a cowboy from California are on a sheep drive. They have been out for weeks and have been pulling sheep out of the mud and working really hard. Eventually they come across a sheep with her head stuck in the fence.

They are both very lonely, so the cowboy from Montana says "I'm first!" and he drops his pants and mounts the sheep. When he is finished, he steps back, looks at the California cowboy, and says "You're next".

The California cowboy drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit. ...

2013-04-14T22:52:00.000-07:00

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit. One of the boys said: "What is that?"

"'They're smart pills," said the other boy "Eat them and they'll make you smarter."

So he ate them and said: "These taste like shit."

"See," said the other boy, "you're already getting smarter."

Why did Microsoft give the name "Windows" to its operating software?

2013-04-14T00:34:00.000-07:00

Why did Microsoft give the name "Windows" to its operating software?

If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. ...

2013-04-13T02:16:00.000-07:00

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!

A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she ...

2013-04-12T03:32:00.000-07:00

A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?".

"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.

"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,

"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing ...

2013-04-11T04:36:00.000-07:00

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."

A ventriloquist comes onto the stage with his dummy and starts his act. One bit ...

2013-04-10T05:31:00.000-07:00

A ventriloquist comes onto the stage with his dummy and starts his act. One bit requires his dummy to tell Dumb-Blonde Jokes. After a few jokes, an angry blonde woman finally stands up and starts speaking her mind.

"I have had it with the stereotyping of all blondes being stupid!" the woman yells, and she continues ranting on about this.

Finally, the ventriloquist says, "Sorry ma'am ..."

The woman cuts him off by saying, "You stay out of this. I'm talkin' to the dummy."

"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every ...

2013-04-09T06:58:00.000-07:00

"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.

"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.

"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"

"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."

Why is a man different from a computer?

2013-04-08T08:10:00.000-07:00

Why is a man different from a computer?

You only have to tell the computer once.

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what ...

2013-04-07T09:58:00.000-07:00

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for ...

2013-04-06T10:49:00.000-07:00

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go ...

2013-04-05T10:51:00.000-07:00

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?

2013-04-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?

Nothing all the good ones are taken.

After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference and ...

2013-04-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference and announced that they had a very successful conference and had agreed on about 60% of what they discussed.

When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: "The Ten Commandments."

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only ...

2013-04-02T12:24:00.000-07:00

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.

In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."

A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she ...

2013-04-01T12:48:00.000-07:00

After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV ...

2013-03-30T15:17:00.000-07:00

After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.

"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."

He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"

A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work. ...

2013-03-29T16:06:00.000-07:00

A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work.

The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"

Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"

After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference and ...

2013-03-28T16:12:00.000-07:00

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I ...

2013-03-27T18:11:00.000-07:00

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up ...

2013-03-14T00:28:00.000-07:00

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"

"The Red Sox."

"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."

"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"

"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

What not to say to the nice policeman: ...

2013-03-13T00:50:00.000-07:00

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really ...

2013-03-12T01:33:00.000-07:00

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

2013-03-11T01:36:00.000-07:00

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.

Why were males created before females?

2013-03-10T03:30:00.000-07:00

Why were males created before females?

Because you always need a rough draft before the final copy.