e-LauGhs A free place for funny jokes, anecdotes, humor and laughs

Anecdote: My blonde little sister

2008-11-17T23:52:00.001-08:00

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the turkey, and
re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and
proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she
reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE!

The college teacher and the final exams

2008-11-12T00:02:00.001-08:00

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam:
- "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family but that's it! NO other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smarty student in the back of the room, raised his hand and asks:
- "What would you say if tomorrow i said i was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does their best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says:
- "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

The rude parrot

2008-11-03T00:07:00.001-08:00

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to do to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched hand and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

'May I ask, please, what the turkey did?'

Anecdote: The persistant beggar

2008-10-17T01:37:00.001-07:00

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.
A beggar came along and asked him for some money.
The man ignored him.
But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him.
The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him.
He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you."
"I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea".
He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him.
Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man.
But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you?".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like."

Treasury Department has issued a new dollar bill

2008-10-15T07:55:00.001-07:00

Kinetsu Hayabusa - a real Ninja

2008-04-07T13:42:00.000-07:00

Kinetsu Hayabusa is the famous Ninja martial artist of the known clan of the FUN-NEE clan. Watch the following videos to understand what makes a ninja stealth from eyes.

Ninjutsu sometimes used interchangeably with the term ninpō, is the martial arts practiced by the shinobi (also commonly known (outside of Japan) as the ninja).
The main character nin is composed of two lesser characters, the upper meaning “blade”, the lower meaning “heart” or “spirit”. Together they mean “stealth” and “secretness,” as well as “endurance” and “perseverance”. Jutsu means “true”, “technique”. Pō meaning “knowledge”, “principle” when found with the prefix “nin” carries the meaning of ninja arts, higher order of ninjutsu. Although the popular view is that ninjutsu is the art of secrecy or stealth, actual practitioners consider it to mean the art of enduring - enduring all of life's hardships.
(Source: Wikipedia)

Escape from the house - adventure flash game

2008-03-13T01:56:00.000-07:00

I was sent this flash quiz and i must admit that the author of it, did an absolutely terrific job. I strongly encourage you to email the author if you manage to solve this puzzle.

The purpose of this game is to find all objects that will assist you in getting out of the house. It requires some imagination and your strong attention in every detail. I loved it! And i solved it. If you feel frustrated, trying to solve it please leave a message and i will post the solution a.s.a.p.

I personally felt like Indiana Jones here. I loved the mystery and the background music.

Enjoy :)

Alexander Graham Bell telephony invention

2008-03-03T12:16:00.000-08:00

Celebrating the Alexander Graham Bell's birthday (3 March 1847 – 2 August 1922), we dedicate the following jokes in his memory :

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

One night, Jim and Betty were fast asleep when all of a sudden the phone rings. Jim wakens and goes to answer it. "How the heck should I know, that's a thousand miles away!!" he shouts out loud into the phone and then slams down the receiver.

"Who was that?" asks Betty.

"I have no idea, Lena, " answers Jim... "Somebody wanted to know if the coast is clear."

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.

"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"

The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.

Alexander Graham Bell thank you for your invention. If only you could live to see the dialup networks and the internet, the wifi, the satellites... you started the flame... may your soul rest in peace.

For the birds - short comic video by Pixar

2008-02-17T13:52:00.000-08:00

I love Pixar. Each and every video from those guys is a masterpiece. I really am a fan of their creations and i cannot hide it.

So here it is. One of the best short comic videos i've ever seen.

I really enjoyed it. I promise you will too.

Funniest drowning prank on the web

2008-01-12T08:58:00.000-08:00

This prank is one of the funniest i 've seen on t.v. The poor victims have gone crazy seeing the guy sinking in the water. I was a bit anxious to see what's going to happen and the video clip never showed what that sinking guy did underwater. It was a cool prank though.

One of the funniest around. Enjoy :)

January 1 TCP/IP celebration joke

2008-01-01T23:43:00.000-08:00

The following joke is dedicated to the celebration of the birthday of internet in January 1, 1983. In the early 1970's Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) gave birth to the Internet Protocol. In 1975, two TCP/IP communication tests were carried out between Stanford University and the University College of London (UCL). In November 1977, three network TCP/IP tests were conducted between the United States, United Kingdom and Norway. Between 1978 and 1983, several other TCP/IP prototypes have been developed at many research centers.
The total changeover to TCP/IP from the ARPANET was held on January 1, 1983
In memory of that day, we dedicate the following joke :

A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Anecdote: Revenge of the husband

2007-12-27T23:08:00.000-08:00

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says, "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond
ear rings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out -- but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

The husband says, "No, no, no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says,
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!"

Anecdote: Thief ensnared by stolen pager

2007-12-26T23:03:00.000-08:00

LONDON (Reuters) -- A British man trapped the thief who stole his pager by leaving a message saying he had won 500 pounds ($835) in a competition.

David Withers lost the pager when his car was broken into. Builder Justin C.......k, ensnared in the simplest of stings, was fined 150 pounds ($251) for being in possession of stolen property after answering the message.

Withers told reporters: "I was fuming when I found my car had been broken into. I called police and then decided to leave the message. Not long afterwards, my mobile rang and a shady-sounding voice asked about the prize.

"I told him he had won 500 pounds in a church fete and that I had paged him because I did not want to send the money by post.
The police arrested the idiot when he came to collect the prize.
I could not believe anybody would be that stupid."

Source: CNN

Anecdote: NEW VIRUS WARNING

2007-12-25T22:54:00.000-08:00

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it.

This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive.
Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles .
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile.
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs.

Be very...... very afraid!!!

26 quick training courses for women

2007-12-24T11:17:00.000-08:00

1. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Don't Need New Shoes
Everyday

4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After The Game.

6. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too

7. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His

8. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The Last Resort, Not The First

9. Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before Speaking

10. Communication Skills 3: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging

11. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Can Acquire

12. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share

13. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up

14. Introduction to Parking

15. Introduction to Petrol

16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space

17. Advanced Petrol: How To Take The Filler Cap Off

18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

19. Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption

20. Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your Diet On Other People

21. PMS: Your Problem... Not His

22. Dancing: Sober Men Don't Like To

24. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You Already Have

25. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

26. Universal Remote Controls (Handle All devices in one): For Men Only!

10 Reasons why Greeks could not be responsible for Sept. 11

2007-12-23T10:32:00.000-08:00

10. 8:45am is too early for them to be up.

9. They are always late, they would have missed all 4 flights.

8. Pretty people on the plane distract them.

7. They would talk loudly and bring attention to themselves.

6. Food and drinks were on the plane.

5. They talk with their hands, they would probably have put their weapons down.

4. They would all want to fly the plane.

3. They would argue and start a fight in the plane.

2. They would have told everyone a week before doing it.

1. They would have put the Greek flag on the windshield.

Weather man VS cockroach

2007-12-22T06:39:00.000-08:00

Someone had the idea of throwing a cockroach in the studio. The weather man came on the set and a happy acquaintance took place ;)

Very funny. Enjoy :)

Not so Merry Christmas for Santa Claus

2007-12-21T12:13:00.001-08:00

McDonald welcome new customers with a high-5

2007-12-12T14:08:00.000-08:00

The environment has a chance : Kangaroo farts

2007-12-10T11:01:00.000-08:00

(As seen on metro.co.uk )

According to scientists, the environment has another chance with kangaroo's gas emitions.

Studies show that their farts are fighting global warming.

Thanks to a special bacteria in their stomachs, kangaroos do not emit harmful methane gas when they let off a stinker.

Australian scientists are now planning to transfer that bacteria into cows and sheep to make their flatulence eco-friendly.

Save that baby!

2007-12-10T05:35:00.000-08:00

Best commercial advertisment award goes to Wilkinson

2007-12-08T06:43:00.000-08:00

Absolutely amazing video. So funny. I 've never seen something like that in my life!
Congrats Wilkinson
The video is called : fight for kisses!

Web spot worth visiting

2007-12-01T22:22:00.000-08:00

Hi all.
A suggestion to take a look at a very nice webspot:

Very funny and creative.

Office remodelled

2007-12-01T17:37:00.000-08:00

Lot of work lately... not much time left for bathroom..

Well, say hello to my new office.... it was lately remodelled and redecorated with state of the art gadgets and devices...

PS: Does the word : hemoroids means anything to you??

Divorced Barbie doll takes all

2007-11-26T11:45:00.000-08:00

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager:
-"How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied:
-"Which one do you like? We have

"Barbie goes to the gym" for $19.95,

"Barbie goes to the Ball" for $19.95,

"Barbie goes shopping" for $19.95,

"Barbie goes to the beach" for $19.95,

"Barbie goes to the Nightclub" for $19.95 and

"Divorced Barbie" for $375.00 ....

- "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?",
the father interrupted...

The store manager replied:
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings."