As our nation stands poised to usher in some sort of health care reform thingy, I can’t help but be reminded of some simple facts:

• Better health care makes people live longer.
• People living longer makes the Earth more crowded.
• The Earth more crowded means even longer lines at the DMV.

So it could be argued that providing health care to people who don’t have it is detrimental to people who do have it. Having grown up on a healthy diet of dystopian sci-fi movies, I was quite looking forward to this problem solving itself, but I guess the unwashed, unhealthy masses have spoken. Fine, poor people, have your fancy doctors and your prescription medications. See if I care.

Okay, so I did care until I found an article from last year that made me change my way of thinking. Apparently those who have lifestyle-inflicted health problems are less taxing on our health care system. Specifically, the article talks about how smokers and those with high-end weight issues (that’s what we’re supposed to call the fatties now, right?) end up costing less money to provide medical care for over the course of their lives versus healthy Joe Lives-to-90. The reason: smokers and the obese die younger and quicker of things like heart attacks and choking on a Big Mac, while the healthy people who stick around longer usually go out slowly due to more costly diseases.

So when your workplace tells you that your health care costs are going up because of people who can’t lay off the cancer sticks and Krispy Kremes, you can let them know that those who choose to indulge in more reckless dietary and, uh, smoketary habits are actually saving you and your company big bucks. And then they roll up those big bucks and try to smoke them or eat them because they’re fatty fat smokeheads.

Today’s poll (and likely tomorrow’s and next January’s poll at this rate) is inspired by recent talks by the U.S. Postal Service—voted the #1 company we’d be better off without in 2007 by important scientists—that it might switch to five-times-a-week delivery to cut costs. It’s estimated that eliminating one delivery day each week (likely Saturday) could cut the Postal Service’s projected 2010 budget deficit from $6 billion to a mere $3-4 billion. Other cut proposals, such as burning down junk mail factories and using “Santa Claus magic” to make faster deliveries, were rejected as too intelligent.

Personally, I would welcome five-day-a-week delivery as all I get on Saturday are bills. And it’s not like I’m going to pay them until at least Monday anyway. Actually, can we cut out Monday delivery too?

So what’s your take on the proposed cut of Saturday service?

Yes, even worse than beating puppies. Because credit cards won’t grow up to pee on your slippers. Unless you have Capital One.

Back in high school, I did a stint in retail selling greeting cards and balloons. It was absolute hell for three reasons:

• Try tying 300 latex balloons every day. I developed a 4mm deep indentation in my tying finger.
• 90% of our customers were the oldest of old people and the socceriest of soccer moms.
• Our credit card processing equipment was so old that it took 2-3 minutes to process each card. And half the time, a valid card would need to be processed 2-3 times in order to finally go through.

So whenever someone would hand me a piece of plastic, I knew it would be at least five minutes before I could go back to flirting with my gorgeous co-workers. Thus I would often attempt to encourage people who were spending 64 cents for a single cut-rate greeting card to pay in cash if possible. (My manager didn’t mind as it would often save us on credit card transaction fees.) Still, that wouldn’t work if somebody were purchasing $300 in Teddy Ruxpin party favors.

Fortunately for my lazy, hormone-driven self, I eventually stumbled upon a copy of the Visa and MasterCard Merchant Agreements. Here’s a fun excerpt from Visa’s:

While checking card security features, you should also make sure that the card is signed. An unsigned card is considered invalid and should not be accepted.

The agreement goes on to explain that some customers like to write “See ID” or “Ask for ID” in the signature block of their credit cards in order to deter fraudulent use of their cards. So, the jackass that I was in high school, I would reject any card with a blank or “See ID” signature line unless the customer did as Visa and MasterCard required: show ID and sign the card in front of me. With my very permanent black marker. Nobody ever did. I convinced my manager that I was helping to protect the business from chargebacks. And for some reason, the hot girls at work would get turned on whenever I yelled at an 86-year-old grandmother about her invalid credit card.

The Futility of “See ID”

Years later, after my manager was convicted of balloon bestiality and all of my hot co-workers had become prostitutes, I pondered why writing “See ID” on a credit card is bad. It certainly sounds sensible: If every merchant checked your ID against the name on the card, it would prevent Mr. Stealy McFelony from using your card (unless your name is also Stealy McFelony which would be awesome). In practice, few minimum-wage cashiers even check the back of your credit cards for a signature. And if they do, rarely do they compare them to the signature you provide on the receipt. I know this because:

• I have a credit card I use exclusively for swiping at the gas pump. Its signature block says “THIS CARD IS STOLEN.” Occasionally I forget and use it somewhere else. Nobody’s ever stopped me.
• I generally sign my credit card receipts in humorous ways, especially on electronic signature pads. While the cards themselves have valid signatures, I often sign receipts with “VOID VOID VOID,” “Mickey Mouse,” or “Zombie Hitler.”

Protecting your physical credit cards is also now relatively pointless as it is easier than ever to forge a new card. I got a call a few months ago from one of my card providers indicating they had seen some suspicious activity on my account. Indeed, someone had been using my card to attempt to purchase HDTVs from Wal-Mart stores—in person!—but the card was rejected. The strange part is that the card was never lost or stolen; likely the number was compromised by a dishonest restaurant worker as the card is used primarily for its rewards on eating out, and someone created a fake card using my number.

But even if writing “See ID” is futile 90% of the time, it certainly can’t hurt, right? Right! And by “right!” I mean “congratulations, victim of identity theft.” You see, every time you give somebody your driver’s license, you are giving them, at a minimum:

• Your full legal name
• Your address
• Your full birthday
• A number used to identify you to government agencies

Some state-issued IDs have even more information on them. But even if yours just has the information above, an identity thief can use your ID as a starting point for opening credit accounts in your name, forging other identifying information, and just plain taking over your life. They may even forge an ID in your name and convince your spouse to sleep with them. (Your spouse does ask for ID before going to bed each night, right? Right?)

Now you might be thinking that the cashiers behind the counter at Hot ‘n’ Trendy couldn’t possibly be identity thieves. And even if they were, they’d only see your ID for a few seconds—not nearly enough time to copy down or memorize your information. If you’re thinking that, consider the following:

• Retail cashiers often make close to minimum wage. Identity thieves make a whole lot more until they’re caught, which isn’t all that often.
• As often as “See ID”ers show their ID, it would be virtually impossible to pinpoint the source of any identity theft.
• Cameras that can capture all the information off your ID can be the size of a cell phone or smaller.

Assuming you’re not peeing your pants in consumery terror, you might be wondering if I’m just posing a hypothetical scenario. Indeed, the bullet points above are based on a real experience from a few months ago.

Horrifying Story Time!

My wife and I were in a clothing store with some of her friends, and as women must spend at least one hour in any given store, I was bored to the point of near-insanity. I started to wander the store aimlessly and eventually heard those fateful words from behind the checkout counter: “May I please see your ID.” Only this time, the cashier—the only one behind the counter—sounded ecstatic, whereas no cashier in the history of the world had ever sounded ecstatic about anything up to that point. I was standing to the side of the counter, so I could see the cashier’s actions behind it. As the customer handed over her ID, I noticed the cashier tapped it on the counter a few times while swiping the credit card with her other hand. A perfectly innocent action, so I thought nothing of it.

A few minutes later, the next customer also paid with a credit card, though I could see from my viewpoint that it was clearly signed on the back with some signature scribble. Yet the cashier asked for ID. I figured the store had simply instructed her to ID every card user—a clear violation of their merchant’s agreement with credit card issuers—but I decided to let it go as I was having too much fun ogling this fine-looking cashier.

But when another customer came up a short time later and paid with a credit card, the cashier did not ask for ID. I looked over and saw that there was a second person behind the counter then; a closer look at his name badge revealed he was the store manager. After the manager left the checkout area, Hot Cashier Girl (that’s what I named her, because she is a hot girl cashier) went right back to asking for IDs from credit card users. Each time, she would tap the ID on the counter while waiting for the credit card to process.

About 20 minutes had gone by, and with no sign of shopping completion from my wife and her gang, I wandered the store briefly and returned to my original spot on the side of the checkout counter. Another credit card user was prompted for ID from the cashier, but this time something strange happened: when the cashier went to present the customer a pen and receipt for signing, the cashier dropped them on the counter beside her and scrambled to pick them up, scattering several items on her side of the counter in the process. After the customer signed and left, I noticed the cashier very meticulously return a blue lunch knapsack to its original position—lying flat but with the bottom pointing toward her.

I finally confirmed her plot when the next customer paid by credit card. Hot Cashier Girl wasn’t just tapping their IDs to pass the time while cards were processed; she was purposely showing the face of the IDs to the bottom of her lunch bag. I moved around to the other side of the counter and confirmed my suspicions: there was a small black hole at the bottom of her bag—just wide enough for a small camera to film through. Hot Cashier Girl had been videotaping every single customer’s ID.

I spotted Mr. Manager on the other side of the store and asked him why Hot Cashier Girl might be asking for IDs. He said it definitely wasn’t store policy. Then I asked why she might be tapping each ID in front of her holey-bottomed knapsack. He replied, “Are you serious?” and started walking toward the checkout counter. I rounded up my wife and gang who were finished in that store anyway (they found nothing they wanted) and we left. About 30 minutes later, we passed by again and I noticed four uniformed county police officers in the store. I like to think there were four more in the back asking Hot Cashier Girl for her ID.

I’ve tried to find any news coverage of this event, but I suspect the store did what it could to keep it quiet. That, and there was a shooting at the mall the very next day (after hours, probably drug related), and shootings are much cooler than identity theft.

I’m Not Safe! Should I Just End It All Now???

If providing ID each time you pay with a credit card is even less safe, what should you do? You have a few choices:

1. Pay cash for everything. You’ll miss out on credit card rewards, and you’ll be impacted more by mugging or pickpocketing, but your payments will be totally anonymous.
2. Just sign the damn card. Even if your card is compromised, you’re generally protected from unauthorized purchases. It’s a bit of a hassle to get things straightened out if your card is lost or stolen, but it’s easier than dealing with identity theft.
3. If you absolutely must write “See ID”, provide an ID without all of your identifying information on it. Try using a school or work ID. If the store refuses it, it’s your own fault for not playing by the credit card company’s rules.

Above all, remember that hot women are far more likely to be identity thieves than their less attractive counterparts, probably because they can get away with it easier.

Can we expect to be paying three or four dollars a gallon to fill up our cars again soon? Only time will tell, but I suspect that time is the only thing standing between us and a return to ridiculously high gas prices. The rise wasn’t so bad the first time around—people started driving smarter, combining trips, and helping to stretch their mileage as best as possible. But because everyone has gotten used to these gas-saving techniques, they’ve been reluctant to give them up. After all, carpooling and accelerating gently aren’t that hard to do, and they still save drivers money even when gas is only $1.80 a gallon.

But what will happen if and when gas spikes back up to $4.00 a gallon? If everyone is already doing all they can to conserve gas, there won’t be any room to scrimp and save once those historic highs return? That’s why, if you don’t want to feel completely hopeless later, you should return to the old ways of driving now. What do I mean by that? Well, starting immediately, you should re-incorporate the following into your daily driving habits:

1. Jackrabbit starts. If you bought a new 30+ MPG car recently in response to rising fuel prices, you’re going to want to do your best to knock that down to under 20 MPG now so you can revel in the savings of 30 MPG again later. The best way to do this is to apply maximum acceleration from all starting positions whenever possible, so-called “jackrabbit starts.” You’ll burn through three times as much gas just to get to the next red light five seconds sooner!
2. Speed limit inflation. It sounds much better than “speeding” (it sounds more legal and official too!), and it’ll help you shave precious pints off your gas gallon. You’ll see the best MPG drop when you do over 65 MPH on the highway… or in your favorite school zone!
3. Carpools are for wusses. Even if you and your three next-door neighbors work in the same office building, insist on driving to work alone. In fact, consider tying the steering wheels of your two cars together and driving them both to work each day.
4. Warm up your car in the morning. It’s 6:30am in the middle of a harsh winter, and you leave for work in 30 minutes. Run outside in your pajamas, start the car, and crank up the heat as high as possible. You’ll burn through a gallon or two of gas by 7am, and your ride to work will be at a balmy 115 degrees.
5. Manual drivers—first gear is your friend. If you drive a stick, now’s a great time to pretend you don’t! Leave your car in first all the time and burn through gas 40% faster than your lame friends who insist on shifting into second and higher.
6. Windows open, and lots of hood ornaments. Disrupt the efficiency of your car’s aerodynamic shape by always driving with the windows open. Tack on hood ornaments to every spare inch of your cars surface to increase wind resistance and lower your mileage even more!
7. Store crap in the trunk. Cancel your paid storage space now and shove all that useless crap in the back of your car. You’ll not only save money now not having to pay for the storage space, but you’ll lose that money right away with the lower MPG that extra weight will give you.
8. Take your car in for a misalignment. Find the dumbest mechanic in your town and ask him to align your wheels. Assuming your car still goes straight afterward, you’ll cut miles of your gallon in no time.
9. Forget the milk. Whenever possible, leave one item off your grocery list so you have to go back to get it on a separate trip later. Double the pleasure, double the mileage!
10. And for the hardcore gas guzzlers… travel in reverse whenever possible and watch your gas mileage hit rock bottom.

Then, once the price of gas jumps back up, you’ll be able to pull back on these bad driving habits and feel like you’re saving money. This way, while your friends and neighbors are contemplating trading in their cars for good walking shoes, you’ll be squeezing pennies off the gallon and riding the highway to savings all by yourself.

Why are sliders stupid? Well, because they are, virtually without exception, a big waste of money and almost always the epitome of deceptive advertising.

Consider, for example, the new Burger King Burger Shots (pretend I just linked to the appropriate page on the Burger King website which I could if the whole website weren’t just one big stupid Flash animation). The Burger Shots come in sets of two or six—but not four, as nobody would eat exactly four of them at once—and cost roughly 70-75 cents each, depending on how many you order. The Burger Shot consists of the following five components listed in approximate order of weight from heaviest to lightest:

1. Tiny plain bun
2. Pickle slice
3. Squirt of ketchup
4. Disappointment
5. Hamburger coin

I call it a “hamburger coin” as it is roughly the size and shape of some larger U.S. coin denominations I have seen. Unlike U.S. money coins, though, the hamburger coins sometimes come in conjoined pairs that resemble hamburger figure-eights.

So what is so wrong with these little burgerlets that I’ve decided to write about them after several months of not writing a damn thing? (Hi everyone!) The first problem with the Burger Shots is that they are a very bad deal. For $1.39, you get two Burger Shots that, when combined, don’t even form the substance of a single Burger King Jr. Whopper which only costs one dollar. What does the extra 39 cents get you for the Burger Shots? I looked at the ingredients list on the wrapper and found it hidden near the end: “…processed beef, and 2% or less of cheese, mayonnaise, bacon, and adorableness.” Indeed, you are paying nearly 40% more for a smaller burger because it is cuter. And also because Burger King thinks you suck at comparing two different items, which you do.

And that brings me to my other point: Have you seen the commercial for the Burger Shots? So that I don’t cut into your self-imposed 3-hour daily limit on YouTube watching, to summarize: the Burger Shots are at least the size of a grown nerdy man’s fist, and eating them will make several gorgeous women want to have sex with you in public.

Now when I went to Burger King last week and tried out a set of Burger Shots (at which time I also compared them side-by-side with a Jr. Whopper and kicked myself for wasting my money), I noticed the following differences between the commercial and real life:

• Each Burger Shot was only about the size of my thumb and index finger formed into an “O.”
• In addition to size, the Shots looked much sadder than their commercial counterparts.
• A total of zero women at the Burger King wanted to have sex with me, which I would say is a very good thing since there roughly negative three attractive women there.

After returning home, lamenting my wasted 39 cents, I went on the internet and researched other “slider” burger offerings. In nearly every case, I discovered that restaurants and fast food chains that offered mini-burgers either priced them higher to a comparable single burger or just made them a whole helluva lot smaller, or both as Burger King did with the Shots.

There are some people who would suggest that the BK Shots are not sliders at all, to which I would say “I can’t hear you, I’m eating six Big Macs so I don’t freaking starve to death which is what I would have done if I’d only eaten two Burger Shots.”

I don’t want to alarm anybody, but at this very moment, someone is trying to steal your money.

Let that statement soak in for a minute. Are you alarmed? You should be, even though I told you not to be. Now I bet you’re wondering what has transpired to cause me to issue such an alarming statement. Well, for starters, I had to write about something, and publishing alarming statements is a great way to get people’s attention. For instance: squirrels cause cancer if they get within 100 feet of you. See what I mean? I bet you’re checking the latest rodentia medical journals right now to verify my claim. Well, I’ll save you the trouble—squirrels do not cause cancer. At least I don’t think they do. Just to be safe, you should probably carry a gun with you all the time and shoot all the squirrels you see.

What was I talking about? Oh yes, everyone is trying to steal your money. And by everyone, I mean the following:

• The Federal government
• Your state and local governments
• Your school or alma mater’s student government
• Auto manufacturers
• The banking industry
• OPEC
• The United Nations
• The Washington Nationals
• The International House of Pancakes

Okay, so I may have embellished that list a little bit. But since I won’t tell you how I embellished it, you’re just going to have to believe me out of fear for now.

One notable entity on that list of groups stealing your money is the banking industry. You might be thinking, “Why would the banks try to steal my money when I’m just as happy to give it to them?” And if you’re not thinking that, then consider all the different ways you give money to the bank during your lifetime:

• Savings accounts and CDs
• Checking accounts
• Mortgage payments
• Credit card payments
• School loan payments
• ATM fees
• Safety deposit boxes

Of course, for most of those times you give your money to the bank, you expect to get something in return—possibly interest payments to you for your savings, or the right to continue living in your house for your mortgage payment. At the very least, you don’t expect a bank will just up and walk away with your hard-earned money. Even if you just stash tens of thousands of dollars into a safety deposit box, that money should still be there years down the road.

Unfortunately that’s not always how it works, as this story of auctioned-off safety deposit boxes reveals. Apparently these boxes aren’t always as “safe” as their name implies. The article describes how banks, believing some safety deposit boxes to be abandoned, turned over the contents to the state government which promptly proceeds to auction off the contents. In some cases, priceless family heirlooms have been sold at auction without the knowledge of the original owner.

This wouldn’t be so bad if the deposit boxes were genuinely abandoned, i.e. the owners had moved away without providing a new address. But in some instances, “abandoned” has simply meant that the owners of the boxes hadn’t visited the box in a few years. Sometimes the owners of the boxes still had active savings or checking accounts at the same bank! According to the article, while states require that banks attempt to contact the owners before drilling the box contents open for sale at auction, there is no law regulating how hard banks must try to contact the owners of “abandoned” safety deposit boxes, nor is there any punishment for not trying.

Now the article goes on to describe a few common sense ways to protect your safety deposit box such as ensuring your contact information is up to date and visiting the box once a year to check the contents. But that’s not going to do anything to stop banks from getting bored one day and deciding to auction off all the safety deposit boxes that are prime numbers. To do that, you’ll need to take serious preventative measures to protect your safety deposit box.

No, this doesn’t mean to set an explosive trap in your box that goes off when it’s opened. After all, how would you get into the box yourself? That, and we’re trying not to kill anyone here. Fortunately the geniuses over at the FatWallet forums have devised the perfect plan to protect your precious possessions from pesky pilferers—simply add a bag of cocaine to your safety deposit box.

You’re probably wondering how this works to stop your safety deposit box from being auctioned away. Well, it’s quite simple:

1. Bank drills open “abandoned” safety deposit box.
2. Bank finds cocaine.
3. Bank calls police.
4. Police find you in about 30 seconds, because they actually try.
5. You, the true owner of the safety deposit box, are successfully located.

Of course, step six of that sequence would be “you go to jail for possession of an illegal substance,” so one way around that would be to substitute a bag of baking powder or sugar labeled as your favorite powdery white narcotic. That said, some places will throw you in jail anyway for wasting their time, but at least your collection of ceramic roosters won’t be auctioned off to the highest bidder.

Your best bet, then, might be to label that fake bag of drugs as “definitely not drugs.” This way, the police will get called in anyway, but you can simply tell them later “the bag said it wasn’t drugs!” You still may go to jail, but it would be under the dumbest charge ever—something like “possession of a not illegal substance.”

Hmm… I suppose this whole idea goes out the window if the bank personnel drilling your safety deposit box open decide to steal your drugs. But imagine the look on their faces when they try to use the stuff only to find out it’s cooking flour! That’ll teach ‘em to steal from you.

So in summary, drugs are bad, and stealing is bad, but one bad thing can be used to stop another bad thing from happening, and it might be okay.

Let me preface this by saying that I do not in any way condone stealing things that don’t belong to you. I do, however, thoroughly condone stretching the definition of “belonging to you” to include some things which don’t really belong to anyone, like love and air, but not things like national monuments (I’m talking to you, Carmen Sandiego).

There’s always a bit of a gray area when it comes to taking things that are “free.” Yes, those apartment guides in the grocery store say they’re free, but does that mean you should take all 47 of them? On the one hand, it would be kinda funny to do it, and you’d have a little less competition for apartments which might impact rental prices in the long run. On the other hand, don’t be a dumbass; just take five or six copies like everyone else.

There’s probably no grayer area in the “free stuff” world than in the workplace. After all, there’s just tons of stuff lying around, begging to be absconded with. And if you’re like me and you work for a large, faceless multinational corporation, none of that stuff really belongs to anybody per se. In fact, if you own stock in your own company, then technically some of those computers and light fixtures and floor tiles belong to you. And who would blame you for taking your fair share?

Well, apparently a lot of people would because stealing things from work is generally considered to be illegal. If you try to walk out the front door with a dozen desktop computers under your arms… your grotesque, inhumanly powerful arms… you’re probably going to get stopped by security. At the very least, when someone notices they’re gone, you’ll probably show up on no less than 28 surveillance cameras walking out with the stolen goods.

That said, there really are some workplace items you shouldn’t feel bad about walking away with on occasion either because they’re worth so little or because everyone else does it. Here’s a list of some of those things you practically have a duty to gank from your job.

1. Electricity. Are you still charging your cell phone at home like a stupid hobo? (No offense, hobos.) If so, and you use your phone to make even one work-related call a year, you should be charging it at your desk instead. In fact, I don’t think anyone will blame you if you just ran an extension cord a few miles down the road to your residence since you wouldn’t have all these electrical gadgets to begin with if your job didn’t pay you the money you used to buy them!
2. Water. If your workplace has free exercise facilities, chances are it also has showers. Even if exercising isn’t your cup of tea, you can still take advantage of workplace shower facilities to cut down on hot water consumption at home.
3. Housing. Still renting or paying a mortgage like a stupid hobo? (Really, I don’t mean to offend you hobos.) Why do that when you’ve got a perfectly good office or cubicle that just sits unoccupied each night while you’re at home in your so-called “comfy bed.”
4. Internet. Let me be totally clear here: internet surfing during work is a big no-no; internet browsing at work after hours might not be so bad. Now if you’re gonna be looking at the pornographies, do yourself a favor and use someone else’s computer in case your network admin logs that kind of stuff. Just be sure to clean up after you’re done. Clean up your browsing activity, that is. Ew.
5. Disk space. While we’re talking computers, I bet your work computer has gobs of unused disk space on it. After all, how much space can a few dozen spreadsheets take up? Assuming it’s not against company policy, you could use some of that extra space to backup your important personal files. It’s cheaper than using a commercial backup solution. But again, keep your dirty pictures somewhere else… like at my house.
6. Desk candy. Some of your co-workers may be nice enough to leave small dishes of candy on their desks for people who walk by to take a piece. If your company has you working until 9pm without giving you a break for dinner, those candies can serve as a handy substitute for real nutrition.
7. Storage. This doesn’t apply to those of you who actually use your office or cubicle’s space for storing work items. But I know plenty of you administrative types have nothing but empty lockable drawers that you like to pretend are full of important papers. Why not use some of that space to store books, old clothes, and other stuff you don’t want cluttering up your house? (Not that you even need a house if your office is that spacious…)
8. Scrap paper. If you have young, artistic kids, you probably have to buy them a ream or two of copy paper every other week to satisfy their scribbling habits. (You know: draw draw draw, throw paper away. Draw draw, erase, rip up paper.) Stop wasting perfectly good new paper on them and just bring home whatever you can fish out of the workplace recycling bins. Just be careful what scrap paper you decide to give to your kids as you wouldn’t want them showing off their doodles to classmates drawn on the other side of top secret engineering schematics.
9. Toilet paper. In general, you should be doing about 75% of your toileting at work anyway. You’ll find that doing so will really cut down on your household’s TP consumption. I’m pretty religious about my workplace potty break; stop by stall #2 on the third floor around 12:15 some day and say hi!
10. Old magazines. Sure, they’re a little used and out-of-date, but those three-week-old magazines sitting in your office building’s lobby or waiting room would just get thrown away eventually anyway. Take them home instead and catch up on world events with such first-class publications as Time, Newsweek, and Soap Opera Digest.
11. Expired holiday decorations. Does your workplace decorate for the holidays? And if so, does it throw out those decorations every year? A quick trip to the dumpster on December 26th could save you a boatload on Christmas decorations next year. Heck, stop by work early on December 25th and pick them up before someone else gets the same idea!
12. Landscape. You may not realize it, but that finely groomed campus landscaping you see outside your window at work probably costs more money each month than you make in a year. I think that entitles you to make off with some posies and maybe a few small bushes.

What, were you expecting me to say that it’s okay to walk out with reams of stationery and a truckload of LCD monitors? Sorry to disappoint you, but I bet you’ll still save a lot of money if you pilfer these items. Plus you probably won’t go to jail… unless you’ve got one of those psychotic bosses who constantly inventories the toilet paper in the restroom and chastises everyone for using too much. And if you have one of those bosses, you may want to quit and find a better job.

Oh, and don’t forget to steal everything that isn’t nailed down on your way out.

Bear with me for a second while I spout some nonsensical conspiracy theories.

As most of you already knew from reading so-called “reputable news sites,” Starbucks, Krispy Kreme, and various other retailers gave away freebies on Election Day to people bearing “I Voted” stickers. You might think such a move is a generous or perhaps foolish offer on the part of these companies, but in reality they’ll more than make up the loss from people who show up only for the freebie but end up purchasing something to go with it. However, these companies may have a more sinister agenda hidden deep in these promotions.

Think about it for a second. Who is most likely to take up Starbucks on the offer of a free cup of coffee? Rich people making more than $250,000 a year? No! It’s us retarded members of the lower and middle class who think that a $1.50 cup of coffee or an 89-cent doughnut is worth waiting in line for 20 minutes to get for free. And despite the fact that voting should be our proud patriotic duty, I’m sure there are a good number of folks who had no intention of voting until all of these freebie offers started popping up in the last week. Thus, thanks to companies like Starbucks and Krispy Kreme, there are more members of non-wealthy classes voting this election.

And while I won’t say something as scandalous as “Poorer, freebie-snatching people will tend to vote for Barack Obama,” I will say that there’s a small possibility that these promotions helped shape the course of history this election. At the very least, they helped make Election Day a little tastier.

I will gladly admit to partaking in as many Election Day freebies as was geographically possible, including stops to more than one Starbucks (even though I rarely drink coffee), and trips to Krispy Kreme, Ben & Jerry’s, and Chick-Fil-A. In the end, I spent over 2 hours driving and in line and used a gallon of $2.50 gasoline to net about $5 worth of free food and beverage. It was a horrible time investment unless you consider that I feel it’s my patriotic duty to screw big businesses out of profits however possible. After all, it’s the American way, or something.

Not satisfied with my haul of two coffees, a cup of ice cream, a doughnut, and a chicken sandwich, I decided to see if any other businesses not actively advertising Election Day giveaways would nonetheless give me something for free. Thus, I spent an extra two hours on Election Day visiting various shops, going up to the front counter and simply saying, “I voted. Will you give me something for free?” Proudly displaying my “I Voted! Yo Voté!” sticker, here’s what happened at the 20 places I visited on Election Day requesting unadvertised freebies.

• The employees at Bloom, a local supermarket chain, looked at me a little funny, suggested I go to the Starbucks down the street or down Aisle 1 for a free sample of cheese, but didn’t give me anything else.
• The Fantastic Sams hair salon just said they didn’t have any Election Day offers. They also pointed out that I don’t have enough hair to warrant a hair cut anyway.
• Aardvark Swim and Sport didn’t offer any freebies, but there was a hot lady there about to try on a swimsuit. I considered hanging around to help her decide if it was right for her, but I wouldn’t let myself be distracted from my mission!
• Dunkin Donuts didn’t match Starbuck’s free coffee offer or Krispy Kreme’s free doughnut offer. It was pretty busy at the time, so I left without much fuss.
• Blockbuster Video gave me a coupon for a free rental! I was the only person at the checkout counter at the time, and the cashier slipped it to me quietly, probably so that I would just go away. Too bad I don’t have a Blockbuster membership. I gave the coupon to my co-worker so he can rent all his favorite Hannah Montana episodes.
• Classic Beer & Wine gave me nothing. I was really sad. I bought a beer and drank it in the parking lot as I cried.
• And to local readers who recognize what shopping center I was in up to this point, yes, I hit the Forbidden Fruit adult goods shop. I’m sort of glad they turned down my request for freebies.
• Down the road a bit, those crazy folks at FedEx/Kinko’s offered me a free color photocopy! I asked if I could photocopy the doughnut I had just gotten from Krispy Kreme. They said no. P.S. The girl behind the counter was really hot.
• GameStop countered my request for a freebie with an offer to reserve the latest Guitar Hero title for just five dollars down. I countered with playing their Nintendo Wii demo station for free for ten minutes.
• Panera Bread pointed me to some free samples they normally offer. I asked for an entire loaf of bread for free. The cashier joked that even Obama and McCain wouldn’t get a freebie like that. I replied, “Oh, so Panera Bread supports third-party candidates. Good for you!” and left.
• Palm Beach Tan gave me nothing and tried to sell me a $300 tanning package. I jokingly replied, “What, I’m not dark-skinned enough for you?” The black saleslady didn’t really like that comment.
• Wing Stop gave me one free French fry. “Times are tough,” the chef commented. I thanked him kindly.
• The hostess at Cheeburger Cheeburger offered to buy me a free ice cream soda if I could name all five members of the Rockville City Council but said I’d have to buy her one if I was wrong. Apparently “John Britton, those three old ladies, and the crazy guy with the funny name” wasn’t good enough for her. I didn’t feel bad because three other people in line behind me couldn’t name them either.
• Chipotle, which is usually pretty good about giving free stuff away once in a while, gave me nothing. I suspect things would have been a little different if this were the Mexican presidential election…
• Long & Foster offered to provide me with a free market competitiveness thingy that included an approximate idea of the value of my home. Not wanting to know exactly how much value my house has lost since I bought it in 2006, I said thanks but no thanks.
• Krispy Kreme reminded me that I had just gotten a free doughnut from them 10 minutes earlier. I asked if I could get another free doughnut if I voted again. They said no.
• TownHouse Furniture indicated that they didn’t sell anything worth less than $50 in the whole store, but they said they’d throw in a free cup of coffee if I bought a thousand-dollar couch. I declined their offer.
• Art and Framing Depot offered 15% off a custom framing job! I asked if they had a frame small enough for my “I Voted!” sticker. They said yes but added that it would be a special offer and quoted me $72 for it. I passed.
• While I was hoping Bank of America would slip me a few Benjamins, they instead offered to set me up with a “free checking account.” When I said that I already had one, they pointed me to a dish of candy. I took eight pieces and left.
• And finally, the employee cafeteria where I work offered me nothing. The chef said he hoped I voted for Obama.

Please note that I didn’t expect that any of these places would actually give me freebies since they didn’t advertise any, so the fact that most of them refused is perfectly within their rights—and it’s probably for the best as giving one person something for free would have meant having to give something for free at least to everyone else in the store at the time. In fact, those few places that actually did give me something for free, while they could be commended for their excellent customer service, probably shouldn’t have.

So my thanks go to Starbucks, Krispy Kreme, Ben & Jerry’s, Chik-Fil-A, and the rest for helping me fill my belly on Election Day. And congratulations to Barack Obama for actually wanting to clean up the horrendous mess made by the current administration; you’re a much braver man than I.

If you’re like me, you have mixed feelings about Halloween. On the one hand, it’s a fun little holiday where you can dress up your kids in all the different outfits of occupations you wanted to be when you grew up like doctor, call girl, and werewolf. You also get to let your kids run around the neighborhood dodging traffic for a couple of hours while you do more important things, like dress up in a sexy costume and get ignored by your spouse.

Of course, there are drawbacks to Halloween. First, it’s expected that you’ll give away candy to other people’s children. You don’t even like giving candy to your own children! And then sometimes you get those teenagers who are way too old for Halloween and think they’re entitled to candy just because they poured some fake blood on their t-shirts. (At least you hope it’s fake blood.)

Now you could try hiding in your basement or pretending you’re not home—or actually not be home—but then you risk having your property egged and toilet papered and painted pink (I’m trying to start a national trend with that last one). And what happens if you only purchase enough candy for 30 kids and 60 show up? Or worse—you forgot all about Halloween together, and the only candy the store had left was off-brand stuff like Horshey’s Malk Choco-like Substitute and packages of Ms—just Ms; the M&Ms are long gone.

Fear not, boils and ghouls! Having either forgotten the candy or had my wife eat it all three days before Halloween for years, I know exactly what it’s like to be short on Halloween treats. That’s why I’ve come up with a series of do-it-yourself goodies you can assemble from things at home to help stave off the eggers and TP-ers. Read on for a frightfully brilliant list of ghetto ways to get yourself through another Halloween trick-or-treat when the candy runs dry.

• Money always works. Of course, this is probably going to cost you a bit more than candy would as giving anything less than a dollar is going to get your house covered in more unborn baby chickens than not giving anything at all.
• Nothing says Halloween quite like thick, juicy steaks. I know that if I were a kid, I’d be thrilled to have a nice Porterhouse dropped in my treat bag.
• You’ve been meaning to donate those old books to charity. Just give them away on Halloween night and use them to educate the future generation in how to be just as lame as you!
• Kids don’t get enough veggies in their diet. Whip out a bag of frozen peas from the freezer and start pelting those kids until they run away crying.
• You know all those action figures you have sitting in a box in your attic? I’m sure kids today would still appreciate G.I. Joes and Barbies, even if they are missing a few limbs. And if they are, paint on a bit of fake blood to really freak them out.
• Is your wife hot? If she just happens to “accidentally” answer the door naked, I think that counts as a treat.
• Studies show that kids as young as five are now sexually active! Do your part to fight teenage pregnancy and STDs by handing out condoms instead of candy this Halloween.
• One in ten houses still has candy left over from last Halloween. One in two kids can’t tell the difference!
• At the same time, Playboy magazines never get stale.
• If you still have last Sunday’s newspaper, you could clip out coupons for 35 cents off two bags of $6.00 candy to give away.
• Bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon! Or does that only work on dogs?
• Confuse the kids by giving out Valentine’s Day cards instead of candy and insisting it’s already February.
• If you’re desperate, you can break into your own kid’s room and start giving away his or her collection of Pokémon cards. Your kid will hate you forever, but they’d start doing that eventually anyway!
• And if you’re really desperate and have nothing left to give away, you can start taxing candy from the kids who have a lot and giving it to everyone else. I mean, if it works for the government…

Everyone have a happy and safe Halloween! And all you pretty ladies out there be sure to stop by my house if you want an extra-special treat. Heh heh.

I’m making s’mores.

Hey, get your heads out of the gutter!

You may be an employee of one of the thousands of companies throughout the United States which organizes workplace charitable giving campaigns—company-sponsored fund drives designed to encourage employees to donate their own money to various worthwhile charities. These campaigns come in many varieties, including charity-specific efforts (where all donations go to one charity, such as the United Way) as well as so-called “charity of your choosing” campaigns where employees can choose from many listed charities or write in their own.

For businesses, the purpose of these campaigns is two-fold. First and foremost, it allows a business to demonstrate its genuinely philanthropic side. Second, it gets them some good press. If your business can brag that its employees donated millions of dollars of their own money to charities last year, you’re going to score some free publicity one way or another. At the very least, you’ll get people to forget for 30 seconds that your company makes death-bringer missiles or cons people into buying houses they can’t afford.

For employees—those who do the actual giving—as well as those on the receiving end of contributions, workplace giving campaigns bring two benefits. One, they actively encourage and remind employees to give a little bit back to their communities. Two, some employers will provide matching funds for their workers’ charitable contributions during annual campaigns. A few employers will even match every employee charitable dollar with two more dollars! Wow! And even if they don’t match your funds, most employers will cover the administrative costs of running the charity drive. Giving through your workplace must always be a no-brainer decision then, right?

Well, not quite.

You see, there’s something your boss won’t necessarily tell you about your company’s annual charity campaign. While your company will always loudly and proudly trumpet the facts that they either provide matching funds or cover the costs of running the fundraiser, some companies neither match donations nor cover the administrative costs. But since those operating the charity campaign (either employees at the company or, more and more often these days, an outside vendor) have to get paid, and it costs a good bit of money just to make everyone in your company aware of the campaign, there are always administrative costs. And if the company isn’t paying those costs, who is? That’s right… you and your charities.

I was startled to learn this year that my own employer is no longer covering the administrative costs of its annual “charity of your choosing” campaign. This wouldn’t necessarily be so bad if they provided matching funds, but they’ve never done that. In past years, all materials advertising the campaign were sure to note that the “company covers all costs of running the campaign.” When I didn’t see that writing on their campaign literature this year, I had to poke a little harder to find a new statement in its place: “95% of your contributions go straight to the charity of your choice.”

“Whoa whoa whoa,” I said out loud in my office. I was shocked to learn that the company would be quietly shaving off almost 5% off every charitable dollar that passes through its campaign in order to cover the costs of its materials as well as paying the third party charity payment processor, America’s Charities.

This was the first year I decided not to participate in my employer’s charity campaign. Instead, I just went to my favorite charity’s website, found their mailing address, and sent them a check. Bam. The charity gets 100% of its money, I feel 100% better about myself, and my company sends me 83 reminder e-mails urging me to donate through them.

While I find it reprehensible that a company would skim from charitable donations to pay its own costs, I will admit that charities still stand to benefit more than they would without these campaigns. Because many people will only give if prompted to by their employers’ annual charity drives, the charities will get more money than if those employees didn’t donate at all. Indeed, 95% is still much greater than 0%. That said, I hope that anyone who bothered to read through the fine print of the campaign saw the 95% warning and decided to send their donation straight to their charity instead.

If you want to make sure your workplace charitable contributions are helping the people who need it most, follow these simple steps:

1. Research your charity first. Just because your company offers a list of thousands of “worthy” charities doesn’t mean those charities all make the best use of your money. Use the Charity Navigator website to determine just how much of your charity’s money is put to use directly helping others. Or just donate to my favorite charity, The Save the Idiot Personal Finance Writer His Own Sense of Self-Righteousness Fund.
2. Check for company matching funds. If your company will match your donations to a charity of interest to you given through their campaign, you should pump as much money as you can spare through your employer. This way, you’re helping your charity even more than you could just by yourself.
3. Find out who pays the fees. Even without matching funds, a company that sends 100% of its fund drive donations straight to the charities is still worthy of recognition. In this case, whether you give through the company or not is your choice; it may just be easier to do it through your employer as it may offer features such as payroll deductions to spread your donation pledge throughout the year.
4. Whatever you do, just give. If your company is like mine and takes even a dime of that charity money for its own costs, just write a check and send it straight to your charity instead. (Try not to pay by credit card, as up to 2% of your donation may end up going to the card processing company instead.) They’ll get the full benefit, and you’ll be telling your company that you won’t stand for its dipping into donations to cover administrative costs.

And of course, don’t forget to take the tax deduction to which you’re entitled for eligible charitable donations; there’s no point in giving the government a free donation too when it already funds itself quite well out of your paycheck each week.

Those who know me well tend to describe my financial style using words like “frugal” and “budget-minded” and “cheap-ass tightwad.” And I will very readily confess to being all of the above. While my friends are out buying giant televisions and laser-guided hovercraft, I’m just as content at home playing with my ball on a stick. And while everyone else is purchasing the 12-dollar organic whole-grain cereals harvested by Buddhist monks, I’m totally fine sticking with the generic brand cereals like Fruity Rings and Marshmallow Remnants.

But there are a few cases where I’ve totally dedicated my wallet in an almost cult-like fashion to the following of a particular brand name item. I mentioned one of these brand names a few weeks ago—Shell gasoline—but there are a few others to which I am particularly loyal, as well as a slew of others to which I am so disloyal that, were they my wife and we were in a loveless marriage, I would not hesitate to cheat on them with a product a few shelves down the shopping aisle. Let’s take a look at some of the good and the bad items that have made their way into (and sometimes quickly out of) the Punny Money Family household over the years.

Razors

My brand name choice: Schick. It’s taken me nearly a decade to find a semi-disposable safety razor that lasts a long time and gives me a good, clean, comfortable shave. I finally found it a few months ago when I received a free sample of the Schick Quattro Titanium. I’ve been using the same replaceable blade for nearly two months now, and it still shaves as close as the first day. I know I’ll have to replace it eventually, and the nearly $20 price tag for eight more blades stings a bit at first until you consider that those eight blades will likely last me over a year at this rate.

I stay far away from… Gillette and store brands. Gillette, your safety razors just suck. They wear out after a few uses, they always miss spots the Schicks don’t, and they’re just as expensive. And don’t even get me started on store brand razors; you might as well just shave with a chainsaw instead.

Bug Spray

My brand name choice: Raid. Living in an old 1940s house, there are numerous tiny holes that equally tiny bugs sometimes manage to worm their way through to get inside. It’s by no means a big problem, but we are sure to keep a can of bug spray nearby anyway just in case. Raid’s slogan that it “Kills on Contact!” may be a little bit of an exaggeration, but it does seem to kill bugs after a minute or two of horrendous torture that’ll teach them terrorist critters to stay outta our home.

I stay far away from… Black Flag. This crap just doesn’t work. There could be a tiny little fly sitting on the wall and I could empty an entire can of Black Flag onto its diseased little butt and it would just sit there and act like it’s a refreshing summer rain.

Beer

My brand name choice: Sam Adams. I was not much of a beer drinker until a couple years ago because all of my previous beer drinking experiences were with crappy American beers. Then someone gave me a fancy imported beer and it tasted pretty good. One day, I tried one of Sam Adams’ seasonal brews and thought that it must have been imported from some country who also had a revolutionary war hero named Sam Adams. Fortunately I was mistaken, and now I’m a Sam Adams fan for life. I’m especially fond of their Oktoberfest brew, especially when it’s served by a sexy lady in one of those tiny beer girl outfits.

I stay far away from… any other American beer. Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever been drunk enough to tolerate the taste of Miller Lite or Budweiser or any other domestic beer. I would sooner drink water or the girliest drink available than an American beer other than Sam Adams.

Chocolate

My brand name choice: Hershey’s. Hershey’s makes Kit Kats, Mr. Goodbars, and the best dark chocolate around. That’s all the chocolate I need.

I stay far away from… Store brands and “home made.” Sure, those store brand chocolate bars might cost 50% less than their Hershey’s counterparts, but I think that 50% cost savings comes from the fact that they use a blend of chocolate and crap. As for home-made chocolates… unless your home is in a chocolate factory, chances are you have no business making chocolate meant for people to enjoy.

Batteries

My brand name choice: Energizer. I’ve tried all of the other brands over the years as well as a variety of store brands, and Energizer always seems to have the best cost-to-life ratio. Yes, they’re pricier than all the rest, but their long life and reliability more than make up for the added cost.

I stay far away from… Duracell and store brands. Yes, those Duracell commercials say they’re what powers the space shuttle and Walt Disney’s cryogenic chamber, but they’re just not as long-lasting as Energizer in my mind. The difference is even more apparent when comparing Energizer rechargeable batteries to other brands of rechargeables.

I hope you’ll forgive me for indulging in a “Nick’s Favorite Things” list, but I also did this to strike up some conversations with you to see what some of your favorite products are. So please feel free to share with the rest of the class, and if anyone knows a particularly effective hair regrowth product… please share that with everyone else too. You know, for everyone’s benefit.

If you’re like me (you poor, depraved soul) then you’ve been checking your retirement accounts rather obsessively over the last few weeks thanks to headlines like “Dow Drops Below 10,000!” and “Is the Next Great Depression Right Around the Corner?” and “Lindsay Lohan Comes Out of the Closet.”

Some anecdotal evidence is suggesting that many people have lost 5-10% of the values of their retirement accounts in 2008. Others have been even less fortunate; some folks heavily invested in their own companies only to see them go under and take their nest eggs with them.

I’ve been moderately more fortunate than others as my own company’s stock is still in the vicinity of its all-time highs and is countering losses in the other parts of my 401(k). When I checked this morning, I confirmed that I’ve actually netted 13 big dollars on my investments this year. And that brings me to the point of today’s rant discussion: why am I obsessively checking my 401(k)? Is there something I think I can do about it by watching its value decline day by day? Perhaps my subconscious believes that by keeping a close eye on it, I can magically reverse its course.

Well, it’s time for me to come clean: today was the first day I’ve checked my 401(k) balance in over four months, and it’s at nearly the same value as it was four months ago. I realized early on that obsessively checking my 401(k)’s balance every day would only cause me needless worry. After all, I’m at least 35 years from the normal retirement age, and the balance of my 401(k) is relatively small enough that it’s hardly worth worrying about in the long run. If anything, I’ll only cause myself pointless stress checking it during this time of economic turmoil.

Unfortunately just about everyone I know has not been as successful in fending off the “401(k) OCD.” I frequently walk down the hallway at my work and see people logged on to our retirement account management website to check how their money is doing. And many of these are workers that are my age or younger! Even worse, there are those who have shifted most or all of their retirement funds to non-stock assets. If you wanted to sit on the sidelines while the market takes a nosedive, the time to do that was months ago! Now many of them will likely leave their 401(k)s parked in “safe” investments and will miss out on any rebound the market makes in the coming months and years.

Lucky for them and you, there are ways to fight 401(k) OCD. Talk to your doctor about prescription Cialis… oh, wait, that’s for an entirely different problem. Here are some ways you can keep yourself from obsessing over your retirement accounts that have worked for me:

1. Lock yourself out of your accounts. Call the company which maintains your retirement accounts and change your access passwords. When they ask what you’d like to change them to, say “I don’t care. Pick something and don’t tell me.” Just make sure you have a way to unlock your account a few years down the road.
2. Stop watching financial news. Call your cable provider and cancel CNN, MSNBC, and everything else that isn’t Cartoon Network and Playboy.
3. Dump your company’s stock. If you still wanna stick in the stock market at this point, make sure your retirement accounts are diversified. Having 90% of your retirement wealth tied to the success or failure of your company is not diversified—it’s stupified.
4. Make smarter investments. Perhaps when you first set up your 401(k), your friends told you which investments you should pursue. If your retirement account is down 30% this year, you may want to switch your investments around a bit to include a nicer variety of investments like commodities and foreign stocks. And also find new friends.
5. Temporarily stop contributing to your accounts. This move probably only makes sense if you’re in the 50+ crowd. If you’re contributing $300 to your 401(k) each week, and your 401(k) in turn loses $3,000 a week, you may want to temporarily halt your contributions and stick your money into conventional savings. But if you’re young and/or your employer matches your contributions, you’ll need to do the math to see if contributing still makes sense.
6. Mind your debts and cash savings. You’ll feel a lot better about your plummeting retirement account balance if your debt is also plummeting rapidly. Paying off debt quicker is one of the safest investments you can make because you’ll know exactly how much money you’re saving as you do it.
7. Address the real financial issues in your life. Perhaps your obsessive 401(k) watching is merely a symptom of a much bigger personal fiscal problem. If you’re worried about your retirement funds drying up while you’re buying Mercedes and vacationing in Tahiti, then your priorities may be a little mixed up.

Follow those steps to relieve your retirement account stress and your 401(k) OCD should be cured in no time. And now that you have an extra 5 or 10 minutes a day that you aren’t watching your retirement funds crumble, you can put that time to good use by fortifying your house and stocking up on supplies for the coming Even Greater Depression.

Hmm, saying that probably didn’t do anything to ease anybody’s anxiety. Sorry!

Today I found the following e-mail in my inbox:

Dear Nick,

How come you haven’t written anything about the horrible injustice that is the $700 BILLION DOLLAR bailout of stupid people? I’d love to see one of your cartoons about this topic too, but I’d also be interested in hearing what you seriously think about the bailout.

~Scott

Scott, you bring up a good point—I tend not to write about politics and so-called “important issues” very much. That’s because topics like the financial bailout (whose proper name is the Kick Taxpayers In The Balls Act of 2008) get covered on every other news site, blog, and cocktail napkin in the country, so I figured everyone wouldn’t mind reading about something more refreshing for a change, like ketchup theft and workplace drinking games.

But fine, I give up. I’ll give you all my two cents on the financial bailout. In short, it sucks. In long, it suuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. In fact, it sucks so much that, for the first time in history, I actually wrote to my Congressional representatives and told them not to vote for it if they still want my vote in November.

What exactly about the financial bailout plan has earned my boundless ire? Well, by default, I tend to oppose any federal legislation that would spend $700 billion on anything. You can spend a mere $85 billion to bail out an insurance giant and I might not bat an eye. And you might be able to get away with spending $500 billion on a war nobody likes anymore. But $700 billion dollars is where I draw the freaking line.

See? There’s the line, and I just drew it.

So why do I have such a problem with the government spending $700 billion dollars on what essentially amounts to a blank check to the financial industry to continue being a bunch of retarded monkeys? Well, for one, consider exactly what else could be done with that much money. $700 billion dollars can buy a lot of things, such as:

• A check made out to me in the amount of $700 billion dollars.
• $700 billion in cash in a suitcase for me.
• 15 minutes alone with Hayden Panettiere to do anything I want.
• Portugal.

The other problem I have with this bailout—and likely the only thing I’m going to say in this entire VERY SERIOUS ARTICLE that makes any sense—is that it doesn’t help the people who need help the most. No no, I’m not talking about homeowners struggling to keep their houses. I’m talking about midget helicopter policemen. Nowhere in the entire text of the bailout bill is any reference whatsoever made to midget helicopter policemen. In fact, at second glance, a whole lot of other people aren’t being helped by this bill, including:

• You.
• Me.
• Us.
• Everyone we know.

Indeed, unless you know someone who works in the financial industry or who somehow benefits from the merciless death of the U.S. dollar (e.g. terrorists—and I hope you don’t know any of those), chances are that you can’t think of a single person who’d benefit from a bailout bill whose text does not include the line “The Federal government will write a check to each American in the amount of $5,000″ and instead says (and this is a direct quote from a paraphrase of someone I heard talking about the bill) “Neener, neener. Thanks for the bailout, chumps. Love, Wall Street.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to get off my soapbox which is really just a regular cardboard box because I’m too poor to afford a soapbox thanks to the economy. And hopefully this will teach you all never to request that I talk seriously on any serious subject ever again. Seriously.

Like many bargain-hunting Americans, I can’t say that I’m particularly loyal to very many brands. I’ll buy Ragu spaghetti sauce if it’s on sale, Prego if it’s not, or just eat a tomato if they’re both too pricey. Heck, I don’t even favor one particular supermarket! I’m even less brand loyal when it comes to clothes, cars, and computers. But if you look back over my expenses over the last five years, there’s one name that’ll keep popping up every couple of weeks without fail. That name is Shell, as in multinational oil company Shell.

But here’s the weird part: I don’t even feel particularly loyal to Shell. Probably the only reason they still have a monopoly over my gasoline dollars is because my mom insisted on only using Shell gasoline as I was growing up. That, and after I got my first car, the three closest gas stations to home were all Shells. Now that I live in a different city from where I grew up, I still get my gas exclusively from Shell. And the other day, as I passed a nearby Texaco station that was selling Regular for 10 cents less than the Shell station at which I’d just refueled, I asked myself a startling question: Why am I still buying Shell gas?

After that, I considered the following facts about the Shell stations in my city:

1. Shell gas is consistently a few cents more expensive than Exxon, Texaco, and the no-brand gas stations like Free State.
2. The three closest Shell gas stations are actually a little bit out of my way now. The closest one to “my way” is generally the pricier of the three.
3. The Shell gas stations are not as well maintained as those of the other brands. Frequently the windshield squeegee liquid is empty or really dirty at the Shells I frequent, and either the air or vacuums are out of order half the time.
4. If I ran a gas station, I would call it “Cheap Ass Gas.” But that’s beside the point.

Perhaps another reason I still maintain my Shell “loyalty” is because I thought it was a superior gas back when I first purchased my MINI Cooper. That’s because many MINI drivers on the internet recommended Shell’s V-Power premium gas over other brands and grades. Now that I drive a Mazda3 that only needs Regular, do I still need to get that Regular from Shell?

After presenting myself with these questions, I did some research on gasoline brands to see if other folks had thoughts or scientific evidence as to which gasoline brand was the best. About five minutes into my research, I stopped being an idiot and remembered that all major gas brands share refineries and pipelines. So while Shell might be refining that oil, Exxon and Citgo may be the ones selling it. And in the next state over, the reverse may be true. When it comes to gasoline, gas is gas.

What may make a difference, however, are the additives that each brand adds to its fuel. You may have heard of Chevron and Texaco’s Techron additive. In fact, some people seem to swear by Techron. Others favor Shell’s additives, and still others can be found who prefer virtually every other brand of gasoline because it’s supposedly better for their vehicles. And while I couldn’t find any scientific studies to confirm my hypothesis, I found no general consensus that one brand of gasoline performed significantly better than others.

I did, however, find several brands referring to themselves as Top Tier Gasoline because they use more than the EPA minimum recommended amounts of detergents to help keep your engine clean. But again, I found no scientific proof that more detergent keeps your engine more cleaner.

The only real difference between gas formulas that I found is that, quite consistently, those which are 10-15% ethanol provide much worse gas mileage that those that are 100% Made in the Middle East or Perhaps the Gulf of Mexico gasoline. Unfortunately pretty much all of the fueling stations around here have switched to some blend of ethanol.

Will I keep using Shell gas after discovering all this? Possibly, though mostly out of habit. I may experiment with other brands to see if there is any noticeable difference in performance. Don’t worry, I know not to buy from Citgo since the only additives they put in their gas are communism and anti-American sentiments.

Last week’s month’s decade’s Punny Poll was a quick little survey to see how everyone’s enjoying the comics I’ve been throwing up with each article. With a nearly 90% approval rating, I think it’s about time for the comics to run for political office! Almost 20% of you said I should go as far as to quit writing articles altogether and just do comics. While I admit that my ongoing battle with writer’s block often makes this tempting, I just don’t see Punny Money becoming a comic-only endeavor anytime soon.

In the wake of all this disastrous weather we’ve been having lately, and to go along with my recent anti-hurricane wall proposal (which I hear has been read by researchers at MIT on a placemat in their cafeteria), I thought it’d be interesting to see how everyone’s finances have “weathered” Mother Nature’s recent fury.

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.