Funny Pinoy Jokes and Funny Text Messages

3 Ugly Filipinos

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 25 May 2010 00:17:00 -0700

There were these 3 Filipino girls, and they were the ugliest Filipino girls ever! They finally got so tired of being ugly that they decide to go to the doctor's for help. The doctor looks at them and says, "Well, this is a tough one, but this is what you have to do; jump into a river and say the name of someone you think is beautiful and you will look exactly like that person."
So the first one goes and says "Britney Spears" and when she gets out of the water she looked just like Britney Spears.
Then the second one went and she said "Alyssa Milano" and became Alyssa Milano.
Then came the third one... When she jumped into the river (being so terrified of swimming) said "AY TA-E!" (means shit)

Miss Universe Pageant

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 25 May 2010 00:14:00 -0700

The SETTING: Pageant Night Ms. Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion
THE FINALISTS:

Ms. America
Ms. Spain
Ms. Britain
Ms. Iran
Ms. India
Ms. Philippines

QUESTION: Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. AMERICA: Well, I would say that , male organs in America are like gentlemen.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
MS. AMERICA: Because it stands every time it sees a woman.
(Applause...Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. SPAIN: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
MS. SPAIN: Because it charges every time it sees an opening.
(Applause....Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. BRITAIN: Male organs in our country are like Shakespearian actors.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
MS. BRITAIN: Because it cries after every performance.
(Applause...Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. IRAN: Well. I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.
QUESTION: And why do you say that?
MS. IRAN: Because they always enter through the back door.
(Applause...Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. INDIA: Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a laborer.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
MS. INDIA: Because it works day & night.
(Applause...Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. PHILIPPINES: Ahh... well, opcors, hihihi... I can say dat male organs in our country are like chismis!
QUESTION: Chismis?
MS. PHILIPPINES: Ayy! Sorry... it's ano, ahh kuwan... it means GOSSIP in our language.
QUESTION: Hmm... interesting comparison. And why do you say that?
MS. PHILIPPINES: Ayy... dyahe! Hihihi! Kasi... I mean... Because... it passes from mouth to mouth.
(STANDING OVATION!)

ngek!

A man from Bicol

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 25 May 2010 00:03:00 -0700

A Filipino guy from Bicol tries very hard to come to Canada. In doing so he spent all his money and sold all his valuables so after he gets out of the Canadian airport he takes the bus to go stay at his relatives' house.
He thinks to himself, "Galit na galit ako parang gusto kong pumatay." So he takes a out his knife and flashes it at some white guy standing there on the bus, The white guy then says, " Yo ! BE COOL man be cool!"
Then the Filipino guy says, "Oh Pasalamat ka, taga Bicol ka kundi pinatay na kita!!"

Coffee Maker

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 25 May 2010 00:00:00 -0700

In an international Convention of coffee-producing nations, the Philippines proved it really has given something to the coffee world.
The Columbia delegate said: "We have the best coffee beans."
Remarked the Japanese representative: "Japan refined coffee production to make people enjoy coffee more."
The American delegate: "America has the best and the most number of brands of regular and instant coffee, supported by the most modern means of production."
Then the Filipino delegate stood up to proudly declare: "The Philippines invented the two-hour coffee break!!!"
"Proud to be a Filipino."

Sinipon si Junior

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 24 May 2010 17:00:00 -0700

Doña Anna: Inday, ba’t sinisipon si Junior?
Inday: He came in direct contact with surfaces contaminated with rhinoviruses which entered the cells of the lining of his nasopharynx which in turn rapidly multiplied. Thus, giving him a viral infectious disease of the upper respiratory system called acute viral nasopharyngitis.
Amo: What? Tumawag ka ng ambulansya! Bilis!
Inday: Hayy, you’re so ignorant. As if you have not been afflicted with the common cold in the course of your existence.
——————————————-
***Inday is a househelp of Doña Anna Prieto. Inday Margaux [pronounced mar.gohw], is Margarita Saring Lumaban in real life.

Juan Pumunta ng Saudi

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 23 May 2010 17:18:00 -0700

Si Juan ay nag-Saudi at naisipang takasan ang kalupitan ng kanyang mga Amo. Sa kagipitan, ipinasya niyang tawirin ang disyerto at humanap ng magandang kapalaran sa kalapit na bansa.

Sa kanyang konting ipon, bumili siya ng Camel at gamit sa paglalakbay at dahil di niya alam paluhurin ang Camel para sakyan, nagdala na rin siya ng hagdanan.

Ikatlong araw sa paglalakbay sinumpong si Juan
ng matinding pangangailangan. Sawa na siyang magparaos sa pamamagitan ng kanyang kamay kaya ipinasya niyang pagparausan ang Camel (total
nasa gitna siya ng disyerto at wala namang makakakita sa kanya).

Dahil mataas ang Camel, gumamit siya ng hagdan, ngunit sa tuwing tatangkain niyang 'ipasok' nakikiliti and Camel at humamakbang kaya si Juan ay nahuhulog. Ganoon ng ganoon hanggang sa magsawa si Juan sa pagtatangka at ipinasya niyang magpatuloy sa paglalakbay. Ganoon pa man, hindi matanggal ang kanyang pagnanasa na makaraos sa kanyang pangangailangan.

Ika-limang araw sa paglalakbay ng makakakita siya ng napaka-gandang Pinay na hinahabol ng mga Arabyano.

"Tulungan niyo po ako" ang sigaw ng Pinay, "gusto nila akong pagsamantalahan at patayin."

Pinagtitirador ni Juan ang mga humahabol at iniligtas ang kababayang Pinay. Ang Pinay nagpapasalamat.

"Salamat po at iniligtas ninyo ako, utang ko sa inyo ang aking buhay, at gagawin ko po ang kahit na ano bilang pasasalamat."

"Talaga?", ang tanong ni Juan.

"Opo, kahit po ano gagawin ko para sa inyo".

"Talaga, kahit na ano?", paniguradong tanong ni Juan na tumutulo na ang laway sa pagnanasa.

"Opo, kahit po ano".

"Kung ganoon, PAKI HAWAKAN ANG CAMEL".

Estudyante

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 21 May 2010 19:50:00 -0700

Alam nyo ba na magaling etong gumawa ng paraan ang studyate? Alamin natin at dahil dito, "May NagJoke!".

Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante..
Guro: Ano ‘to?
Estudyante: Prayer ko po, ma’am!
Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!

Ngek!!!

Doctor at ang Girl

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 21 May 2010 19:46:00 -0700

May NagJoke!

Doc: Ano ang trabaho mo, iha?
Girl: Substitute po.
Doc: Hindi kaya prostitute?
Girl: Hindi po, mama ko po ang prostitute, at kung may sakit po siya,
ako po yung substitute.

Ngek!!!

Naked Girl at ang Driver

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 21 May 2010 19:43:00 -0700

May Nagjoke!

A naked girl takes a taxe.
Naked Girl: “Bakit ka nakatitig sa katawan ko, ngayon ka lang ba
nakakita ng hubad?”
Driver: “Hindi po miss, iniisip ko lang kung saan nakatago ang
pamasahe mo!”

Ngek! May ganon?

Mataas ang Timbang

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 21 May 2010 19:39:00 -0700

"May Nagjoke!"

Pedro: Pare, sobrang taba talaga ng Misis ko kaya't gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang!
Pablo: Sabihin mo sa Misis na mag Horseback riding siya.

Makaraan ang dalawang buwan.
Pedro: Kumusta naman ang resulta ng Horseback Riding !
Pablo: Nabawasan ng 40 Kilos ang kabayo!!
Buddy Escurel, Cogon, Gubat, Sorsogon

Ngek!

Gatas Ng Tindero

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 21 May 2010 19:25:00 -0700

Alam nyo ba na madalas etong magjojoke ang mga tindero? At dahil dito, "May NagJoke!".

Tindero: Bili na po kayo gatas ng baka. Sampung piso lang isang baso.
Manong: Ang mahal naman! Wala bang tig-pipiso lang nyan?
Tindero: Meron po, pero kayo na po ang dedede sa baka….

Ngek!. Masaya diba?

Policeman and Prostitute

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 21 May 2010 19:18:00 -0700

"May NagJoke!"

Policeman arresting a prostitute…
Prosti: Aba , I am not selling sex!
Police: Then what are you doing?
Prosti: I’m a saleswoman selling condoms with free demo.

Ngek!

Pang-alis Ng Stress

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 21 May 2010 19:14:00 -0700

Gusto nyobang mawala ang stress nyo? Eto ang sagot. May nagjoke!

Bobo: Pare, hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula sa letter A.
Pare: Approachable?
Bobo: Mali .
Pare: Amiable?
Bobo: Mali pa rin!
Pare: O sige, sirit na nga!
Bobo: Anest.

Ngek!

Tagalog jokes for DNA

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 21 May 2010 19:06:00 -0700

Do you know what is DNA?
Dahil sa tanong nayan may nagjoke!.

DNA is a nucleic acid that is localized in cell nucleus and consists of two long chains of nucleotides twisted together into a double helix and joined by hydrogen bonds between complementary bases adenine and thymine or cytosine and guanine.
It carries the cell’s genetic information and hereditary characteristics via the equence of its nucleotides.
Thus, people are identified by their unique DNAs, such as:

Prostitute:
DNAvirgin

Old Maid:
DNAgamit

Bachelor:
DNAkasal

Arab:
DNAgaahit

Insomniac:
DNAmakatulog

Constipation:
DNAkakatae

Water Conservationist:
DNAliligo

Bin Laden:
DNAhanap at DNAhuli

Gloria Macapagal Arroyo:
DNAaamin.

Town Fiesta:
DNAyo

Loser:
DNAya

Uncircumcised:
DNAtuli

Bisexual:
DNAmauri

Pandak:
DNAtumangkad

DNAtawa kayo? Kung di kayo natawa, DNAkayo uling papadalhan ng ganitong klaseng Pinoy joke
O eh ‘di s’ya. . . DNA ako magtatagal.

Noon At Ngayon

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 21 May 2010 18:55:00 -0700

Maraming nagasked sa akin ano ba talaga ang kaibahan noon at ngayon?At dahil dito, may nagjoke!

Noon ang mga matatanda bago ikinakasal hinintay muna ang kabilogan ng buwan bago ikinakasal.
Tapos ang mga bata ngayon hinihintay muna ang kabilogan ng tiyan bago ikinakasal.

hekhekhekhek