!Funny Quote

Swami Beyondananda's FUN-da-Mental Pointers

2005-07-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

"1.Be a fundamentalist, make sure fun always comes before the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be cancelled. A laugh track has been provided and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day and that will insure regularhilarity.

2.
Remember that each of us has been given a special gift - just for entering. So you are already a winner!

3.
The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me

4.
Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.

5.
As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between our ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use your truth brush and mental floss twice a day. And when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in the Absurdiveness Training Class: "Don't get even, get odd."

6.
If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there will surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

7.
I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it.

8.
There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.

9.
Everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember,enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. You don't have to go through channels.

10.
Finally, if you're looking to find the key to the universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is - there is no key to the Universe. The good news is - it was never locked."

--- Swami Beyondananda ---

Mark Twain

2005-06-07T09:37:00.000-07:00

"Noise proves nothing.
Often a hen who has merely laid an egg
cackles as if she laid an asteroid."

--- Mark Twain ---

Brooke Shields

2005-06-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

"Smoking kills. If you're killed,
you've lost a very important part of your life."

--- Brooke Shields ---

Wendy Leibman

2005-06-04T14:30:00.000-07:00

"People always come up to me and say that my smoking
is bothering them...

Well, it's killing me!"

--- Wendy Leibman ---

Robert Reich

2005-06-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

"There are only two kinds of people who predict
the stock market on a day-to-day basis.
Those who don't know...
and those who don't know they don't know"

--- Robert Reich ---

Ambrose Bierce

2005-06-02T11:56:00.000-07:00

"PAINTING, n:
The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather
and exposing them to the critic."

--- Ambrose Bierce ---

Bert Williams

2005-06-01T13:48:00.000-07:00

" Books had instant replay long before televised sports."

--- Bert Williams ---

Nicole Hollander

2005-05-31T11:30:00.000-07:00

"Can you imagine a world without men?
No crime and lots of happy fat women"

--- Nicole Hollander ---

Barbara Bergmann

2005-05-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

"To be a housewife is to be a member of a very peculiar
occupation, one with characteristics like no other.

The nature of the duties to be performed,
the method of payment, the form of supervision,

the tenure system, the "market" in which the "workers"
find "jobs," and the physical hazzards
are all very different from the way things are
in other occupations."

--- Barbara Bergmann ---

Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

2005-05-22T12:12:00.000-07:00

"In theory,
there is no difference between theory and practice.
But, in practice,
there is."

--- Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut ---

Robert Maynard Hutchins

2005-05-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

"Whenever I feel the urge to exercise coming on,
I lie down until it passes over"

--- Robert Maynard Hutchins ---

Alexander Haig

2005-05-15T21:45:00.000-07:00

"That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude."

--- Alexander Haig ---

Robert Orben

2005-05-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

"Life was a lot simpler when what we honored
was father and mother rather than all major credit cards."

--- Robert Orben ---

Fran Lebowitz

2005-05-03T22:05:00.000-07:00

"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."

--- Fran Lebowitz ---

Erma Bombeck

2005-05-02T07:47:00.000-07:00

"The only reason I would take up jogging
is so I could hear heavy breathing again."

--- Erma Bombeck ---

John Wooden

2005-04-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

"The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team."

--- John Wooden ---

David Frost

2005-04-29T10:22:00.000-07:00

"Television enables you to be entertained in your home
by people you wouldn't have in your home."

--- David Frost ---

Billy Graham

2005-04-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

"Everybody has a little bit of Watergate in him."

--- Billy Graham ---

Frank McKinney Hubbard

2005-04-24T17:41:00.000-07:00

"The safest way to double your money
is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket."

--- Frank McKinney Hubbard ---

George Bush

2005-04-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

"I have opinions of my own... strong opinions...
but I don't always agree with them."

--- George Bush ---

Steven Wright

2005-04-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

"I was reading the dictionary.
I thought it was a poem about everything."

--- Steven Wright ---

Lily Tomlin

2005-04-21T21:49:00.000-07:00

"Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse."

--- Lily Tomlin ---

Sir John Pentland Mahaffy

2005-04-19T00:42:00.000-07:00

"In Ireland the inevitable never happens
and the unexpected constantly occurs."

--- Sir John Pentland Mahaffy ---

Gay Talese

2005-04-18T21:23:00.000-07:00

"The real problem is what to do with the problem-solvers
after the problems are solved."

--- Gay Talese ---

Ralph Waldo Emerson

2005-04-17T08:11:00.000-07:00

"I pay the schoolmaster
but 'tis the schoolboys who educate my son."

--- Ralph Waldo Emerson ---