Funny Quotes and Sayings

Welcome

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 20:57:00 +0000

Welcome to Funny Quotes Today. We carry funny quotes and sayings from comedy movies, television shows, and just about any humorous topic you can think of. If your looking to laugh at jokes we also have a wide assortment of joke topics. This website is free and has just about anything you can think of. If you think of a quote we don't have make sure to submit it to us.

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A Haunted House Movie Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Wed, 26 Dec 2012 18:25:00 +0000

A Haunted House Movie Quotes

We're investigating paranormal activity in the Johnson residents in suburban Los Angeles.
-Investigator

Yea, I kicked you in yo ghost balls.
-Keisha

I have a lot of powers, all over my body.
-Chip

Keisha: Do you know how to connect the cuts?
Father: Boom, Tic Tac Toe in yo face.
-Keisha, Father

Man yo breath is kickin, I can only imagine what the kitty smell like.
-Father

911 Call: Los Angeles county 911, what is your emergency?
Malcom: Three, three people are dead. I killed them.
911 Call: Who killed them?
Malcom: My DIIIIIICK!!!
-911, Malcom

Keisha: What are you doing?
Malcom: Bitch there is a ghost in the house.
-Keisha, Malcom

Malcom: Why do you have your hands on my balls?
Chip: I'm protecting them from spirits.
-Malcom, Chip

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Funny New Years Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 23:03:00 +0000

Funny New Years Quotes

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

New Year's Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

funny jokes Facebook statuses

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

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Parental Guidance Quotes (2012)

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 14:58:00 +0000

Parental Guidance Movie Quotes

(Getting checked by TSA in the airport)
What are you looking for sailor, I'll help ya out. (coughs)
-Artie Decker

Alice: That's not bad.
Diane Decker: Not bad, she looks like a 12 year old widow.
-Alice, Diane

If you ever speak to my grand kids like that again, there will be nothing left of you but red hair and an accent.
-Diane

Alice: Pick me up here, don't leave me stranded.
Artie Decker: Have I ever left you stranded.
Alice: 4 times when I was a kid.
-Alice, Artie

Grandpa tells lots of jokes that you won't get, just laugh.
-Alice

Artie Decker: Hello boys, still single?
(boys start cracking up laughing)
-Artie, Boys

Artie Decker: I don't think these kids like me.
Diane Decker: They have to know you better before they don't like you.
-Artie, Diane

Diane Decker: Our grand children are going to love me.
Artie Decker: What about me?
Diane Decker: That's your problem.
-Diane, Artie

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Jack Reacher Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:36:00 +0000

Jack Reacher Movie Quotes

You think I'm a hero? I'm not a hero. And if you're smart, that scares you., because I have nothing to lose.
-Jack Reacher

On second thought, I'd like to kill you.
-Jack Reacher

Jack Reacher is a ghost.
-Emerson

He doesn't care about the law, he doesn't care about truth, he only cares about what's right.
-Emerson

Helen Rodin: What do we hope to find?
Jack Reacher: The truth.
-Helen, Jack

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This Is 40 Movie Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Mon, 26 Nov 2012 19:44:00 +0000

This Is 40 Movie Quotes

Daughter: Why does it say 38 and not 40?
Pete: Cause your mom wants to be 38, let's not mention it again.
-Pete, Daughter

I lie about my age OK?
-Debbie

I have turned your body into a boner machine.
-Jason

(walks into bathroom)
This is the fourth time you've gone to the bathroom today.
-Debbie

This is BS, this is a bunch of F'n S. You're acting like a B.
-Daughter

Debbie: Are those real?
Desi: Yea, I'm just young.
-Debbie, Desi

Mom at School: You touched my nipple.
Pete: I got right below your shoulder.
Mom at School: I have very high nipples.
-Pete, Mom at School

(Legs spread in the air)
Debbie: Can we just keep a small shred of mystery in our relationship?
Pete: I saw you have babies, payback time.
-Debbie, Pete

Do you ever wonder what it would be like if you and your wife were separated by something bigger, like death? Like her death?
-Pete

Pete: I have responsibilites, I can't afford to sit in my apartment getting baked, watching porn and going to Tommy's chillie burgers at three in the morning.
Friend: That's not even the order that that happens in.
-Pete, Friend

Pete: I can't lend you anymore money.
Larry: Your mother wanted to abort you.
-Pete, Larry

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Rise of the Guardians Movie Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 13:11:00 +0000

Rise of the Guardians Movie Quotes

Wings up ladies and take no prisoners.
-Tooth

You don't wanna race a rabbit mate.
-Bunnymund

Do you know what grayhounds do to rabbits?
-Jack Frost

Santa: Buckle up.
Bunny: Where are the bloody seatbelts?
Santa: HA, that was just expression.
-Jack, Bunny

Jack Frost: So, the Big Four all together: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Sandman and the Easter Kangaroo.
Bunnymund: Say WHAT? I'm a bunny!
-Jack, Bunnymund

Santa: I hope the Yeti's treated you well?
Jack Frost: Yea, I love being shoved in a sac and tossed through a magic portal.
Santa: Oh Good, that was my idea.
-Santa, Jack

Jack Frost: Am I on the naughty list?
Santa: Naughty list, you hold record.
-Santa, Jack

We go by many names, and take many forms. We bring wonder and hope, we bring joy and dreams. We are the Sandman and the Tooth Fairy, we are the Easter Bunny, and Santa. And our powers are greater than you ever imagine.
-North

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Hot Girl Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Sun, 18 Nov 2012 00:18:00 +0000

Hot Girl Quotes

If you did it, I did it before. If you get it, I had it.

At the gym Boy doing sit-ups: '1...2...3...' Hot girl walks by Boy: '97...98...99...'

Carry yourself like a queen and you'll attract a king.

I Know I'm Not Perfect, but I'm So Close it scares me.

Love me, hate me, just think, I'm on your mind!

A nice girl is just a bad girl that doesn't get caught.

Everyone gets a chance in the spotlight; you can have it when I'm done!

Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls make you feel like you're in Heaven.

Life isn't a garden...so stop being a hoe!

Big Girls dont cry, they get even.

Do you believe in love at first site? Or should I walk by again?

You're only bad if you're caught... So that makes me a good girl, RIGHT!

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The Guilt Trip Movie Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Fri, 16 Nov 2012 15:07:00 +0000

The Guilt Trip Movie Quotes

You know Andy invented a new product and he's going to travel door to door selling it?
-Joyce Brewster

Joyce Brewster: Are you seeing anyone?
Andy Brewster: Are you seeing anyone?
Joyce Brewster: Please don't be disgusting.
Joyce Brewster: I thought you were seeing that girl with the exotic name?
Andy Brewster: Bethany?
-Andy, Joyce

Joyce Brewster: Promise me you will never pick up a hitchhiker.
Andy Brewster: I will never pick up a hitchhiker.
Joyce Brewster: Good, they rape.
-Andy, Joyce

Andy Brewster: Do you have any rooms available?
Hotel Attendant: One for you and your lady?
Andy Brewster: My Lady? (looks at his mom)
Joyce Brewster: Andy they have clip on frog earrings.
Andy Brewster: Awwww, dude don't wink at me, that's my mother. are you insane.
-Andy, Joyce, Attendant

When you were a baby your penis started to turn purple.
I almost threw up all over the table.
You would tell me if your penis started to turn purple again?
My penis could literally grow an eyeball and I wouldn't tell you.
-Andy, Joyce

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The Silver Linings Playbook Movie Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Tue, 13 Nov 2012 18:58:00 +0000

The Silver Linings Playbook Movie Quotes

Pat: I can't appologize, you know what I will do, I'll appologize on behalf of Earnest Hemmingway cause that's who to blame here.
Pat Sr.: Yea have Earnest Hemmingway call us an appologize to us too.
-Pat, Pat Sr.

Pat Sr.: What are you going to do with yourself?
Pat: I'm getting trim, I'm getting fit for Nikki.
Pat Sr.: Patrick she left, she's gone.
-Pat, Pat Sr.

Pat: I come home, I see my wife in the shower (with another guy) So Yea I snapped.
-Pat

Pat: You look nice.
Tiffany: Thank You.
Pat: Oh I'm not flirting with you.
Tiffany: I didn't think you were. (looks at her boobs)
-Pat, Tiffany

Pat: Look I think You're really pretty, but I'm married ok.
Tiffany: So am I.
Pat: No, that's confussion he's dead.
-Pat, Tiffany

Pat: So how did you lose your job?
Tiffany: By having sex with everybody in the office.
Pat: Everybody?
Tiffany: I was very depressed after Tommy died.
Pat: Well you don't have to talk about it, how many were there?
-Pat, Tiffany

Danny: So is this the girl you wrote about.
Tiffany: You wrote about me?
Danny: She's fine.
Pat: She is my friend with an F.
Danny: A capital F.
Pat: For friend.
-Pat, Tiffany, Danny

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Funny Halloween Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Wed, 31 Oct 2012 19:39:00 +0000

Funny Halloween Quotes

Can I borrow your face for Halloween?

Trick or treat smell my feet give me something good to eat.

For Halloween I'm just gonna wear no makeup and natural hair and go as a monster.

Dear girls, We like you for your brains, not your body. Sincerely, Zombies.

I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Halloween is for dressing as something you're not. That's why most girls go as sexy.

Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.

Halloween is huge in my house and we really get into the "spirits" of things.
-Dee Snider

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
-Rodney Dangerfield

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Here Comes the Boom Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 19:57:00 +0000

Here Comes the Boom Movie Quotes

Alright everybody, let's get our stories strait, Derrick did it.
-Scott

Hey man great fight, (pukes on opponent) Ahhh I'm so sorry.
-Scott

You wanna be a fighter? Start in the cage.
-Niko

Principal Becher: You're late.
Scott Voss: I was teacher of the year.
Principal Becher: That was 10 years ago.
Scott Voss: Feels like 8 though huh?
-Principal Becher, Scott

Bella Flores: Sooo, what is the plan?
Scott Voss: How about we work out the plan, in my apartment, and dinner just happens to be around so we just do both.
Bella Flores: Not a chance.
-Bella, Scott

Scott Voss: I wanna fight mixed martial arts.
Marty : This is crazy, do you even know how to do it?
Scott Voss: No, no I do not.
-Scott, Marty

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Funny Twitter Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Tue, 21 Aug 2012 19:11:00 +0000

Funny Twitter Quotes

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive...take her to the gas station.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

A nickel will get you on the subway, but garlic will get you a seat.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The Queen's been sitting on the throne for 60 years! Shouldn't she try a laxative?

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Always remember you are unique - just like everybody else.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

I'm going to buy a dog, name is naked and tell people i have to walk naked down the street.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Spent the entire night trying to create a website for women drivers, but it kept crashing.

More Quotes: One Liners Facebook Status Funny Sayings

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Politicians and diapers have 1 thing in common; they should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Best time to give advice to children is while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I do give the waiters a good tip, but they never seem to take or appreciate my advice.

Facebook: What's on your mind? ..Twitter: What's happening? ... Myspace: Where did everybody go?

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Funny Drinking Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Sat, 11 Aug 2012 17:52:00 +0000

Funny Drinking Quotes

I've been around the block a couple times, then my neighbor realized I was drunk and took me home.

Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.

Any man who eats dessert is not drinking enough.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

To alcohol! The cause of - and solution - to all of life's problems.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.

It is better to think of church in the ale-house than to think of the ale-house in church.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

He was a wise man who invented beer.

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk they're sober.

Similar Quotes: College Drugs Alcohol

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.

I never turned to drink. It seemed to turn to me.

I drink to forget I drink.

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

I drink Champagne when I win, to celebrate...and I drink Champagne when I lose, to console myself.

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

Prohibition makes you want to cry into your beer and denies you the beer to cry into.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

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Hit and Run Movie Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Wed, 08 Aug 2012 22:28:00 +0000

Hit and Run Movie Quotes

Charlie: I was kinda involved in bank robbing, but when I got into witness protection I knew I wasn't gonna be that guy anymore.
Girlfriend: You're a bank robber???
Charlie: I did the get away driving part.

Charlie: I'm sorry this whole thing happened so fast and I'm sorry.
Girlfriend: Except for completely lieing about who you are.
Charlie: You may have had three ways with dudes I don't know.

Policeman: Do you think it's safe for you to be driving at Nascar speeds?
Oh, I had no idea.
Policeman: Oh you had no idea? (sarcastic voice)

You owe me.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
I went to jail for eight months.
Charlie: What and you didn't like the gym equipment?
I got Fu*** in prison, because of you.
Charlie: I'm really really sorry, was it a black guy?
No it wasn't a black guy.
-Charlie, Gang leader

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Workaholics Season 3 Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 21:10:00 +0000

Workaholics Season 3 Quotes

Yea I heard when people trip they like talk to god or whatever. Wonder if god's a chick dude? Big Ol' Titties, big Ol' God titties.
-Adam

I'm so comfortable with you guys being here, but be careful because it sounds like you guys are injuring yourself at night when your working out and nighttime is a very dangerous time to work out.
-Adam

Her name was Roberta Paulson, Her name was Roberta Paulson.
-Adam

Don't mean to be disrespectful, but I thought they'd be a little bigger, your pups, your sweater meats.
-Adam

I'm just trying to see something way more real than God, like a dragon.
-Blake

The Gaylord Force, if you can take the pain of a man's unit pressing into your ass you've got the strength to do anything.
-Blake

Come on Ders don't just stand there, we gotta jerk this beef man.
-Blake

Homegirls death it, it's got us ahhh, were pretty butthurt about it.
-Blake

O'Ders Rules!
-Ders

Help! Help me! I think this chair is Spanish. I don't speak Spanish.
-Alice

Adam: Banessa.
Vanessa(real-estate lady):What?
Adam: You said your name was Banessa right.
Vanessa: No I said Vanessa.
Adam: I'm pretty sure you said Banessa I thought it was stupid but it is your name so just go with it.
-Adam, Vanessa

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The Campaign Movie Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Thu, 26 Jul 2012 23:21:00 +0000

The Campaign Movie Quotes

My hair could lift a car off a baby if it had to.
-Cam Brady

That little guy is a weirdo, I'm gonna smoke that clown.
-Cam Brady

Your momma is like a vacuum cleaner, she sucks, blows, and gets laid in the closet.
-Cam Brady

My heart is beating like a phonebook in a dryer.
-Cam Brady

Is anyone asking how my hand feels after punching that iron like jaw of that baby?
-Cam Brady

Education is our future, because schools IS this nations backbone.
-Cam Brady

I've seen a mustache like that before, and you know who wore it? Saddam Hussein.
-Cam Brady

Step Brothers Movie Quotes Funny Political Quotes

He just punched a baby.
-Mitch

Hate to break it to ya friend, but your balloon is getting ready to pop, and that balloon is full of your own butt toots.
-Marty Huggins

Glad to be here, this is the first time I've worn a Yamaha.
-Marty Huggins

Well, pugs were bred with short snouts so they could lock in and take down lines.
-Marty Huggins

Push it, push it, "Push it real good".
-Marty Huggins

Marty Huggins : Now that I'm running for Congress we're gonna be under a lot of scrutiny. Anybody have anything they wanna share with us?
Dylan Huggins: I said the lord's name in vain at school.
Marty Huggins : Is that it?
Clay Huggins: I went to the petting zoo and I let the goat lick my wiener.
-Marty, Clay Dylan

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Funny Quotes About Girlfriends

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Thu, 26 Jul 2012 19:02:00 +0000

Funny Quotes About Girlfriends

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!

My girlfriend asked if I would swim across the ocean for her, and I said It’s freaking 2011, I’ll rent a boat.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading.

Women Quotes Funny Men Quotes Famous Quotes

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

Well, a girlfriend once told me never to fight with anybody you don't love.

There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend.

I always say now that I'm in my blonde years. Because since the end of my marriage, all of my girlfriends have been blonde.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

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Magic Mike Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Fri, 29 Jun 2012 19:05:00 +0000

Magic Mike Movie Quotes

The law says that you cannot touch, but I think I see alot of law breakers up in this house.
-Dallas

You are the husband that they never had, you're the dream boat guy that never came along, you are the one night stand that they get to have tonight with you on stage.
-Dallas

You don't need to talk, just look pretty.
-Joanna

Yo... How pregnant did you get her mouth?
-Magic Mike

Magic Mike: You don't have anything sharp that I can stick myself with do you?
Girl at Party: No.
Magic Mike: Good, because I do.
-Magic Mike, Girl

Brooke: Entrepreneur stripper, Stripper entrepreneur?
Magic Mike: Either one.
Brooke: I was hoping this was all a joke.
Magic Mike: It is pretty funny.
-Magic Mike, Brooke

Brooke: Wow that's a lot of one's.
Magic Mike: There's some fives in there.
Brooke: No twenties?
Magic Mike: You don't wanna know what I have to do for twenties.
-Magic Mike, Brooke

Brooke: Why stripping?
Magic Mike: Why is easy, women, money, and a good time.
-Magic Mike, Brooke

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Funny Quotes About Wives

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Thu, 28 Jun 2012 19:59:00 +0000

Funny Quotes About Wives

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled, “Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong."
-Unknown

I have a devoted wife who lets me give it to her both ways...Cash or Credit.
-Unknown

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
-Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-Unknown

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-David Bissonette

Wives are young men's mistresses, companions for middle age, and old men's nurses.
- Sr. Francis Bacon

Funny Quotes About Husbands Funny Quotes Your Momma Jokes

A man's best fortune, or his worst, is his wife.
-Thomas Fuller

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
-Jim Samuels

If you would have a good wife, marry one who has been a good daughter.
-Thomas Fuller

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
-Unknown

My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time.
-Lee Trevino

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Unknown

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The Watch Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Mon, 25 Jun 2012 20:58:00 +0000

The Watch Movie Quotes

Look at both of us, but understand no one.
-Franklin

Anything from outer space, kill it.
-Franklin

Sargent he assaulted us with eggs.
-Evan

Funny Movie Quotes

Any one of these people could be an alien. Check her out, it's like she's studying some new discovery. Should I put it in my flavor snout?
-Evan

Franklin: Look at me.
Evan: Look at me.
Franklin: Look at him and listen to me.
Evan: Listen to his words and look at my face, but look at him while he's talking.
Franklin: Look at my face.
Evan: Listen to my words and hear his face.
-Franklin, Evan

Bob: Here we go, jackets for the watch.
Evan: A Tiger with wings?
Bob: It's a tiger, flames, and wings all in the same logo, It's like the Chinese symbol for shut up and dance.
-Bob, Evan

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Funny Quotes About Husbands

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Mon, 25 Jun 2012 20:05:00 +0000

Funny Quotes About Husbands

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
-Unknown

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
-Groucho Marx

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
-Roseanne Barr

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
-Unknown

It's a wise husband who will buy his wife such fine china that she won't trust him to wash the dishes.
-Unknown

Funny Quotes About Men Funny Quotes About Wives Marriage Quotes

Husbands are like fires - they go out when they're left unattended.
-Cher

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
-Ogden Nash

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.
-Marie Corelli

Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.
-Zig Ziglar

I am happy to know that my husband regards me as a woman and a person.
-Katherine Dunham

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
-Jim Carrey

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Funny Friendship Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Wed, 20 Jun 2012 20:52:00 +0000

Funny Friendship Quotes

A true friend stabs you in the front.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

Funny Quotes Cute Friendship Quotes Funny Family Quotes

Best friends know how weird you are, but still choose to be seen with you in public.
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Nothing more cheerful than talking about our friends’ shortcomings.

I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence.

A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.

God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.

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That's My Boy Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Sun, 03 Jun 2012 02:17:00 +0000

That's My Boy Quotes

Movie Quotes

Whaaaaaaaaat's UUUUUP!!!
-Donny (and others)

Lets get our party on.
-Donny

Last night of poon tang for this kid.
-Donny

Sit down before I tell your wife what you did at the strip club.
-Donny

Who's rich in this motherfucker?
-Donny

Leap year mother fucker! Leap year!|
-Donny

It tastes like fucking dick infused with balls.
-Donny

I can kill you nine ways with my bare hands.
-Chad

Funny Movie Quotes

Donny: If somebody's hammered they have another guy drive home.
Todd: I was EIGHT!!
Donny: You drove like a champ too.
-Todd, Donny

Donny: So what'd the IRS say.
Jim: Three years in prison, you haven't paid taxes since 94 Donny.
Donny: I don't got 43 grand.
-Donny, Jim

Todd: Donny what are you doing here.
Donny: What type of guy would miss his sons wedding?
-Todd, Donny

Todd: You were basically the worst parent ever.
Donny: I was awesome.
Todd: You let me eat cake and lolly pops for breakfast everyday.
Donny: That's what you asked for.
Todd: And your suppose to say no.
-Todd, Donny

(After piercing his ear)
Todd: Am I bleeding?
Donny: I don't think so.
-Todd, Donny

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Madea's Witness Protection Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Dow Jones) — Sun, 03 Jun 2012 01:56:00 +0000

Madea's Witness Protection Quotes

Movie Quotes

I wanna know how the hell I'm suppose to hide five white folks. If the police come in this neighborhood they don't even send a white car, they come in a black SUV.
-Madea

If I come back up these stairs and you still in this bed I'm gonna get completely naked and get up in there with you and spoon.
-Madea

Excuse me while I do my Tyra Banks.
-Madea

Big asses and brass don't mix.
-Uncle Joe

Her butt must be hungry the way it's chewing up that dress
-Uncle Joe

George: What's going on?
Walter: Cnn is doing one of those investigative reports. They're gonna say we've been running a ponzi scheme for the last 7 years.
George: I knew nothing about this.
Walter: I know you've been laundering money dude!
-George, Walter

Madea- You want me to place my feet on those yellow feet?
Security-Yes ma'm
Madea- Thats wide as hell! I aint had my legs that wide open since i had my daughter!
-Madea, Security

(about drinking on the plane)
Stewardess: Your in first class it's free.
Madea: Ok well bring me every damn thing you got back there, if it's brown pour it.
-Stewardess, Madea

Little Boy- Ahh!
Madea- Whats wrong son?
little boy-You scared me you're just so huge...Like a giant bag of skiddles..
Madea- Alright now you betta get the hell up,Ima come back up here you know whats gon Happen? YOU GONNA TASTE THE RAINBOWW

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