Funny side of the world

AFTER WORKING DAY SOMETHING TO LAUGH

2013-09-23T22:23:00.001+02:00

Inspirational Poster Ideas

Sayings you'd like to see on office inspirational posters :

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings - - they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat.

ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.....

We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!

2 days without a Human Rights Violation!

If at first you don't succeed - - try management.

It's only unethical if you get caught.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

Work harder slaves!

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If you can read this, you're not working!

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Pride, commitment, teamwork - - words we use to get you to work for free.

Succeed in spite of management.

Work : It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

There are two kinds of people in life : people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore

Dear Bank Manager

Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $ 5 0 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in the second half of 1 9 9 9, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes :

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his / her financial situation ( income, debts, assets and liabilities ) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he / she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 2 8 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he / she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus :

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie :
" Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for "

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.

As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $ 2 0 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $ 5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 7 5 cents a minute ( even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free ), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Best Wishes,

Your humble client

Famous Marketing Screw Ups

1. Coors put its slogan, " Turn it loose, into Spanish where it was read as " Suffer from diarrhea.
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign : Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

3. Clairol introduced the " Mist Stick ", a curling iron, into German only to find out that " mist " is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the " manure stick.

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of " I saw the Pope " ( el papa ), the shirts read " I saw the potato " ( la papa ).

7. Pepsi's " Come alive with the Pepsi Generation " translated into " Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave ", in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, " it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken " was translated into Spanish as " it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as " Ke-kou-ke-la ", meaning " Bite the wax tadpole " or " female horse stuffed with wax ", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 4 0, 0 0 characters to find a phonetic equivalent " ko-kou-ko-le ", translating into " happiness in the mouth.

1 0. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, " it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you. Instead, the company thought that the word " embarazar " ( to impregnate ) meant to embarrass, so the ad read : " It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.

Drinking At Work

Reasons for Allowing Drinking at Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

1 0. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

1 1. It makes fellow employees look better.

1 2. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

1 3. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks

1 4. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Executive Envelopes

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.... 1, 2, 3. " Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve, the departing CEO said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, " Blame your predecessor.

Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - - and Wall Street - - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, " Reorganize. This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, " Prepare three envelopes.

Federal Employee Evaluation

1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

3. I would not allow this employee to breed.

4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be.

5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

1 0. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.

1 1. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

1 2. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

1 3. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

1 4. A room temperature IQ.

1 5. Got a full 6 - pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

1 6. A gross ignoramus- 1 4 4 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

1 7. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

1 8. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

1 9. Bright as Alaska in December.

2 0. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

2 1. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

2 2. Fell out of the family tree.

2 3. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.

2 4. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

2 5. He is so dense, light bends around him.

2 6. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

2 7. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

2 8. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

2 9. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

3 0. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1, 0 0, 0 0 other sperm.

3 1. One neuron short of a synapse.

3 2. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

3 3. Takes him 1 1 / 2 hours to watch the 6 0 minutes program.

3 4. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

3 5. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

BEFORE I GO TO WORK TOMORROW SOME BUSSINES JOKES

2013-09-22T21:07:00.002+02:00

YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN CORPORATE AMERICA IF ...

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket

Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um

You order your business cards in " half orders " instead of whole boxes

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie

You get really excited about a 2 % pay raise

You learn about your layoff on CNN

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive

It's dark when you drive to and from work

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else

Communication is something your group is having problems with

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital

Art involves a white board

You're already late on the assignment you just got

You work 2 0 0 hours for the $ 1 0 0 bonus check and jubilantly say " Oh wow, thanks!

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read only by your co-workers

Your boss' favorite lines are, " When you get a few minutes " or " When you're freed up "

Your boss' second favorite lines are, "... this isn't exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed.

Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January

Your relatives and family describe your job as " works with computers "

Change is the norm

The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting

You read this entire list and understood it.

The Vacuum Cleaner CEO

The CEO of a Vacuum Cleaner company was impatient with the poor job his salespeople were doing, so one day he decided to do the job himself.

He pulled up to an old house in his Mercedes Benz and knocked on the door. A little old barefoot man wearing overalls answered the knock on the door, only to be confronted by the very well dressed and dignified CEO in a $ 2, 0 0 navy blue pin-striped business suit, a Hermes silk tie, a starched white shirt with monogrammed cufflinks, $ 7 0 0 shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.

" Good morning, said the well-dressed and impeccably groomed CEO. " If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

" Get lost, Mister fancy suit! said the old man. " I haven't got any money " and he proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the CEO wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.

" Don't be too hasty! he said. " Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.

The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the CEO emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.

" If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, sir, I will personally eat the remainder. I am the CEO! You have my GUARANTEE!

" I got a better idea " said the old man, " If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls. Your nice suit, your tie, your shoes, everything!

" Fine, sir! said the CEO confidently. " I'll give you my clothes!

" Lemme ask you somethin', pal... Where are you goin' when you leave here?

The CEO answered very confidently : " To a VERY important conference! WHY?

" Will they let you in if yer barefoot? said the old man.

" Of course not! said the CEO.

" How much did you pay for those socks you'v got on? asked the old man.

" Fifty dollars " said the bewildered CEO.

" I ain't never worn fifty dollar socks before! said the old man. " It will be kinda hard for you to wear overalls to work, I guess! said the old man.

" WHAT?! said the confused CEO.

" And will you show how me to tie a necktie? said the old man...

One hour later, the door of the apartment opened, and the CEO carefully looked out. Seeing that no one was around, his foot appeared.

A bare foot.

He stepped out into the hallway - dressed only in overalls and bare feet. His expensive executive suit and tie had vanished, along with his confidence and dignity.

The old man watched him run away to his car with a grin, admiring the expensive pinstriped suit and silk tie he had just acquired. He then sat down and pulled on the CEO's fifty dollar socks and gleaming shoes.

" Now I gotta see about payin' that electric bill...

The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition
# 1 Once you have their money... never give it back.
# 3 Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
# 6 Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
# 7 Keep your ears open.
# 8 Small print leads to large risk.
# 9 Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
# 1 0 Greed is eternal.
# 1 3 Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
# 1 6 A deal is a deal... until a better one comes along.
# 1 8 A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
# 1 9 Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
# 2 1 Never place friendship above profit.
# 2 2 A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
# 2 7 There's nothing more dangerous than an honest business man.
# 3 1 Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother... insult something he cares about instead.
# 3 3 It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
# 3 4 Peace is good for business.
# 3 5 War is good for business.
# 4 0 She can touch your lobes but never your latinum.
# 4 1 Profit is it's own reward.
# 4 4 Never confuse luck with wisdom.
# 4 7 Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
# 4 8 The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
# 5 2 Never ask when you can take.
# 5 7 Good customers are as rare as latinum - treasure them.
# 5 8 There is no substitute for success.
# 5 9 Free advice is seldom cheap.
# 6 0 Keep your lies consistent.
# 6 2 The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
# 6 5 Win or lose, there's always Huyperian beetle snuff.
# 7 5 Home is where the heart is... but the stars are made of latinum.
# 7 6 Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.
# 7 9 Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.
# 8 2 The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
# 8 5 Never let the competition know what your thinking.
# 8 9 Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what...

Texas Salesman

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

" Have you ever been a salesman before? the boss asked during his interview.

" Yes, I was a salesman in Texas, the lad answered.

The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. " I'll come and see how you made out after we close up, the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. " How many sales did you make today? the boss asked.

" One, said the lad.

" One? said the boss, obviously displeased. " Most of the sales people on my staff make 2 0 or 3 0 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?

" Exactly $ 1 0 1, 3 4. 3, said the young man.

" How did you manage that? asked the boss, flabbergasted.

" Well, said the lad, " this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 2 2 - foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1 - ton pickup truck.

" You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook? the boss asked in astonishment.

" He didn't come in to buy a fish hook, the Texas boy explained. " He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, ' Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing. "

How to sell everything

One summer, on a Friday afternoon, a young man was being trained by his supervisor on his first day as a salesperson at a large department store. His supervisor was trying to show him the amount of things he could sell to customers by making them feel they needed the items. " Watch this, he said and approached a man who has just entered the store. " May I help you, sir?

The man replied, " I just moved into my first house and I need some fertiliser for my lawn.

So the supervisor said, " Well, we have five- and ten-pound bags of fertiliser. I recommend you go with the ten pound bag.

" Why is that?

" The ten-pound bag will get you through most of the summer, but the five-pound bag won't, the supervisor answered.

" Fine, the man agreed, " I'll take the ten-pounder. " Very good sir. And would you like the stiff rake or the spring-rake with that?

" Rake? What do I need that for?

" Well sir, said the supervisor authoritatively, " if you don't rake up the old dead grass before you spread the fertiliser, it won't all reach the soil.

" All right then. I'll get the stiff rake.

" Very good sir. And would you like the fixed sprinkler or the oscillating sprinkler with that?

The man started to get a bit steamed and asked harshly, " Sprinkler? Look, I just came in here for some fertiliser. What do I need a sprinkler for? Calmly, the supervisor responded, " Well sir, if you water your lawn immediately after fertilising, the fertiliser will sink into the soil more quickly and in no time at all, you'll have the greenest lawn in your neighbourhood.

This sounded pretty good to the man so he picked up the fixed sprinkler. " OK, then. I'll take all this.

" Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that, asked the supervisor.

Now the customer had about had it and he all but blew up at the supervisor. " LAWNMOWER? Look, all I wanted when I came here was a bag of fertiliser. You've already managed to sell me a rake and a sprinkler besides. Give me one good reason why I should get a lawnmower, too!

Calm as ever, the supervisor said, " Well sir, if you get a lawnmower now, then you'll be all ready to start trimming your beautiful green grass the minute it starts getting too long. Your lawn will look like a golf course and you'll be the envy of all your neighbours! Besides, they are on sale this week only, and you're going to need it either way.

Well, the man figured that sounded OK and he really wanted to get out of there before he bought anything else so at last he relented. " Fine. I'll get the electric mower, but that's it!

" Very good sir. I'll ring that up for you.

After the man had left the store with all his new purchases, the supervisor turned to the trainee and said, " So, do you think you could do that? The trainee said that he thought he could and the supervisor directed him towards another customer.

The trainee approached the puzzled-looking man and asked, " May I help you sir?

The man replied, " Yes. I need some tampons for my wife. Well, the trainee is totally thrown off by this request. He can't imagine what he could offer the man to go along with that. However, he wanted to impress his boss so he thought hard. Suddenly, he had it! " Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that?

" Mower? What the hell is wrong with you? I came in here looking for tampons. Why the hell should I get a lawnmower, too?

" Well sir, the trainee answered, " I figure your weekend is shot, so you might as well cut the grass.

Getting Out of Work

I won't be coming to work today because :
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

1. If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is-accordingly, I will be in late or early.
3. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
4. I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreen's.
5. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
6. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
7. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
8. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian

Go to Work Naked?

1. Your boss is always yelling, " I wanna see your ass in here by 8 : 0 0!

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.

4. " I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add " Exotic Dancer " to your exaggerated resume.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.

1 0. Gives " bad hair day " a whole new meaning.

1 1. No one steals your chair anymore

Government Workers

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, " T-square, do your stuff!. T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, " Slide Rule, do your stuff!. Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, " Measure, do your stuff!. Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 1 0 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, " What can your dog do?. The Government Worker called to his dog and said, " Coffee Break, do your stuff!. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

I Love My Job

I love my Job
I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my Office and its location -
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work : I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.
I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who've come to visit today
in lovely white coats to take me away

MALE OR FIMALE

2013-08-28T22:23:00.001+02:00

Coffee is better than Women.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

~ Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.
~ You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.
~ Coffee never runs out.
~ No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
~ You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
~ When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
~ Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
~ Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.
~ White men can take black coffee home to their parents.
~ Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it.
~ You can always heat up coffee.
~ Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.
~ If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
~ Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

Ladies Tee-shirt blurbs!

Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.
Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
You KNOW you want me.
Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time!
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Male/Female Definitions!

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

5 Questions that put FEAR into a Man!

The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1...What are you thinking about?
2...Do you love me?
3...Do I look fat?
4...Do you think she is prettier than me?
5...What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth).

As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following:
a...Baseball.
b...Football.
c...How fat you are.
d...How much prettier she is than you.
e...How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a...Oh Yeah, crap loads.
b...Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c...That depends on what you mean by love.
d...Does it matter?
e...Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a...Compared to what?
b...I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c...A little extra weight looks good on you.
d...I've seen fatter.
e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:

a...Yes, but you have a better personality.
b...Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c...Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d...Define pretty.
e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat").
WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).

Women Bashing (oh-oh)

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

Why do men like air-headed women?
Opposites attract.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

How do you blind a woman?
Put a windshield in front of her face.

How many men does it take to mop a floor?
None. It's a woman's job.

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!

Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!

How many women does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
Marry a new one !!

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

Jokes for the Ladies!

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.

Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know; it has never happened.

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A Widow.

Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What did God say after creating Adam?
A: I must be able to do better than that.

Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: "Practice makes perfect."

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They are married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

If Men TRULY Ruled The World!

"If Men TRULY Ruled the World!"...

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history!

The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Two words..."Ally McNaked".

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Garbage would take itself out.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

The Typical Male Decision Process!

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money,and then he makes his decision.
Which women did he choose?
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?Have you made your guess?
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The one with the largest breasts!

Restroom wall graffiti!

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here -
Your asshole is in Washington!
* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
* Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.

You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's,Beverly Hills, CA

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

The perfect couple.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

***Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.
***Men keep scrolling

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

What men say & what it

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means...."You want me to stay awake?"

"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you." Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"You look terrific." Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you." Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.

"We share the housework." Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

RULES MEN ABOUT WOMEN AND WOMEN ABOUT MEN

2013-08-26T21:48:00.002+02:00

List of rules of being a guy:

Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.

Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

Finally...Always split aces and eights. No arguments!

Women Drivers!

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car usingmy knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Geography of Men and Woman

The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

Women's Rights

WOMEN'S RIGHTS

The following took place at an international conference for women's rights.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

(The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing,
but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.

(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said," After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued...........................

"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing.

Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing,

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>but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."

What men really mean...

\"I\'m going fishing.\" Really means... \"I\'m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.\"

\"Let\'s take your car.\" Really means.... \"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.\"

\"Woman driver.\" Really means.... \"Someone who doesn\'t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.\"

\"I don\'t care what color you paint the kitchen.\" Really means.... \"As long as it\'s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.\"

\"It\'s a guy thing.\" Really means.... \"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.\"

\"Can I help with dinner?\" Really means.... \"Why isn\'t it already on the table?\"

\"Uh huh,\" \"Sure, honey,\" or \"Yes, dear.\" Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It\'s a conditioned response like Pavlov\'s dog drooling.

\"Good idea.\" Really means.... \"It\'ll never work. And I\'ll spend the rest of the day gloating.\"

\"Have you lost weight?\" Really means.... \"I\'ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.\"

\"My wife doesn\'t understand me.\" Really means.... \"She\'s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.\"

\"It would take too long to explain.\" Really means.... \"I have no idea how it works.\"

\"I\'m getting more exercise lately.\" Really means.... \"The batteries in the remote are dead.\"

\"I got a lot done.\" Really means.... \"I found \'Waldo\' in almost every picture.\"

\"We\'re going to be late.\" Really means.... \"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.\"

\"Hey, I\'ve read all the classics.\" Really means.... \"I\'ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.\"

\"You cook just like my mother used to.\" Really means.... \"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.\"

\"I was listening to you. It\'s just that I have things on my mind.\" Really means.... \"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.\"

\"Take a break, honey, you\'re working too hard.\" Really means.... \"I can\'t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.\"

\"That\'s interesting, dear.\" Really means.... \"Are you still talking?\"

\"Honey, we don\'t need material things to prove our love.\" Really means.... \"I forgot our anniversary again.\"

\"You expect too much of me.\" Really means.... \"You want me to stay awake.\"

\"It\'s a really good movie.\" Really means.... \"It\'s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.\"

\"That\'s women\'s work.\" Really means.... \"It\'s difficult, dirty, and thankless.\"

\"Will you marry me?\" Really means.... \"Both my roommates have moved out, I can\'t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.\"

\"Go ask your mother.\" Really means.... \"I am incapable of making a decision.\"

\"You know how bad my memory is.\" Really means.... \"I remember the theme song to \'F Troop\', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I\'ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.\"

\"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.\" Really means.... \"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.\"

\"Football is a man\'s game.\" Really means.... \"Women are generally too smart to play it.\"

\"Oh, don\'t fuss. I just cut myself, it\'s no big deal.\" Really means.... \"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I\'m hurt.\"

\"I do help around the house.\" Really means.... \"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.\"

\"Hey, I\'ve got my reasons for what I\'m doing.\" Really means.... \"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.\"

\"I can\'t find it.\" Really means.... \"It didn\'t fall into my outstretched hands, so I\'m completely clueless.\"

\"What did I do this time?\" Really means.... \"What did you catch me at?\"

\"What do you mean, you need new clothes?\" Really means.... \"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.\"

\"She\'s one of those rabid feminists.\" Really means.... \"She refused to make my coffee.\"

\"But I hate to go shopping.\" Really means.... \"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.\"

\"No, I left plenty of gas in the car.\" Really means.... \"You may actually get it to start.\"

\"I\'m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.\" Really means.... \"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.\"

\"I heard you.\" Really means.... \"I haven\'t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don\'t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.\"

\"You know I could never love anyone else.\" Really means.... \"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.\"

\"You look terrific.\" Really means.... \"Oh, God, please don\'t try on one more outfit. I\'m starving.\"

\"I brought you a present.\" Really means.... \"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.\"

\"I missed you.\" Really means.... \"I can\'t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.\"

\"I\'m not lost. I know exactly where we are.\" Really means.... \"No one will ever see us alive again.\"

\"We share the housework.\" Really means.... \"I make the messes, she cleans them up.\"

\"This relationship is getting too serious.\" Really means.... \"I like you more than my truck.\"

\"I recycle.\" Really means.... \"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.\"

\"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.\" Really means.... \"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?\"

\"It sure snowed last night.\" Really means.... \"I suppose you\'re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.\"

\"It\'s good beer.\" Really means.... \"It was on sale.\"

\"I don\'t need to read the instructions.\"
Really means.... \"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.\"

\"I\'ll fix the garbage disposal later.\" Really means.... \"If I wait long enough you\'ll get frustrated and buy a new one.\"

\"I broke up with her.\" Really means.... \"She dumped me.\"

\"I\'ll take you to a fancy restaurant.\" Really means.... \"Someplace that doesn\'t have a drive-thru window.\"

The truth about beer.

Yesterday, after extensive testing, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones... yes, it's true.

To prove their theory, the scientists had 100 men consume 12 bottles of beer.

They then observed that 100% of them:
1: Gained weight.
2: Talked excessively without making sense.
3: Became emotional.
4: Called home just to see if anyone called.
5: Couldn't drive.
6: Went to the bathroom in groups.
7: Rearranged the furniture for no apparent reason.
No further testing is planned.

What gender is a computer?

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

New course for men!

A new two year degree is being offered at Life University...
Becoming a Real Man!

That's right, in just six terms, you too can be a real man.
Please take a moment to look over the program outline:

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule
MEN 101...Combating Stupidity
MEN 102...You too can do housework
MEN 103...PMS - Learn when to keep your mouth shut
MEN 104...We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule
MEN 110...Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111...Understanding the female responses to getting in at 4 a.m.
MEN 112...Parenting: It doesn't end with conception
MEN 113...Get a life, learn to cook

Spring Schedule
MEN 120...How NOT to act like an asshole when you're wrong
MEN 121...Understanding your incompetence
MEN 122...You, the weaker sex
MEN 123...Reasons to give flowers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule
SEX 101...You CAN fall asleep without it
SEX 102...Morning Dilemma: If it's awake, take a shower
MEN 201...How to stay awake after sex
MEN 202...How to put the toilet seat down

Winter Schedule
MEN 210...The remote control: Overcoming your dependencies
MEN 211...How NOT to act younger that your children
MEN 212...You too can be a designated driver
MEN 213...Honest - You don't look like Russel Wong - Especially naked

Spring Schedule
MEN 220...Omitting @#%! from your vocabulary
MEN 221...Fluffing the blanket after farting in not necessary
MEN 222...Real men ask for directions
MEN 223...Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay

Men's Thesaurus

The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!:

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

College Courses for Women

1...Silence, the final frontier - Where no woman has gone before.
2...The undiscovered side of Banking - How to make deposits.
3...Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome - You don't need new shoes everyday.
4...Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5...Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6...An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7...Man Management - Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8...Personal Space - Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.
9...Valuation - Just because it's not important to you.
10..Communication Skills I - Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11..Communication Skills II - How to think before speaking.
12..What he really wants - Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.
13..Driving a car safely - A skill you can also acquire.
14..Real women drink their share at a party.
15..Telephones - How to hang up.
16..Parking - Beginners Course.
17..Parking (Advanced) - Reversing into a parking space.
18..The Natural Habitat of the Towel - Why they prefer the floor.
19..Managing your weight - It's not water retention, it's fat.
20..Learning to cook I - Bran in not food.
21..Learning to cook II - Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22..Compliments - How to accept them gracefully.
23..PMS - Your problem, not his.

Men Are Like.......

Men are like....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ....Vacations. They never seem long enough.

Men are like....Bank machines.Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like ....Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.

Men are like....Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.

Men are like....Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.

Men are like....Chocolate Bars. Sweet,smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like....Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like....Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like....Lawn Mowers. If your not pushing one around, you're riding it.

Men are like....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ....Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.

Rules Guys Wish Women Knew!

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.

31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

46. What the hell is a doily?

The 5th floor!

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works...
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome."
Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome."

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here.
This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman!

Lord, what's a man?

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"
"Man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great!" says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...
So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
Just remember, it's our little secret...
You know, woman to woman."

Men - Ya just can't win!

IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY

Pity us men.........

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

Advantage: Woman!

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Why bikes are better than women!

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.
12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.
19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.
20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you
had the last time you were on your bicycle.

TOP OF THE TOP

2013-08-21T23:09:00.002+02:00

10 Polite Ways to Say "Your Zipper is Down"

Top Ten List (David Letterman)

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson ... Paging Mr. Johnson.

6. Elvis has left the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

The Top 15 Truth-in-Advertising Names of Personal Care Products

15> Nair -- Pelt-Away

14> Old Spice -- Eau de Grandpa

13> Dr. Scholl's Corn Pads -- Beats BITING Them Off

12> Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion -- Sgt. Zipper's Lonely Hearts Club "Hand" Cream

11> Trojan Condoms -- SkankSafe

10> Wart-B-Gone -- Put Down Those Goddam Toads!

9> FDS -- CrotchGuard

8> Preparation H -- SitAgin

7> Q-Tips -- Jam It In! We Dare Ya!

6> Nyquil -- Kid-Booze

5> Cover Girl Makeup - Covers Ugly Girls Makeup

4> Tampax -- Suck It Up, Missy!

3> Tom's of Maine -- Gee, Your Teeth Smell Like Pete Moss!

2> K-Y Jelly -- J-O Jelly

1> Chanel No. 5 -- Catbox No. 2

The Top 16 Signs a Spaceship Is Homemade

16> Twenty percent more duct tape than Mir.

15> It's highly unlikely NASA would name its orbital lander the "USS PACKERS! Wooo! Go Packers!"

14> You currently owe Duracell $138,845,000.

13> Two words: cheese tailfins.

12> Take-off requires beans, a butane lighter and a well-timed finger pull.

11> Thrusters can be set to high, medium, low and simmer.

10> Doilies on the control board?
Potpourri in the cargo bay?
MOM!!!

9> The on-board meal: a lovingly packed PB&J cut in the shape of a rocket, a Juicy Juice box and a Twinkie that your jerk older brother smashed flat.

8> "Rocket sound" comes from playing cards stuck in the O-rings.

7> The chief engineer was forced to remove the nose cone of the lunar landing module to grill burgers for dinner.

6> Centrifugal force is measured in "Kenny Gs."

5> It just plain tastes better than those store-bought spaceships.

4> The only 'tang on board is the pilot's mistress.

3> The "heat shield"? A dozen oven mitts glued to a trash-can lid.

2> The top-secret mission? Launch a spy satellite over Jessica Simpson's shower.

1> Transmission from Apollo 13: "Houston, we have a problem."
Transmission from your ship: "Honey, I have a wedgie."

The Top 16 Features of Hooters Hotel and Casino

16> Family-oriented atmosphere. (Hefner, Flynt and Guccione families only)

15> Your odds at the tables are about the same as your odds with your waitress.

14> Dancers in the hotel's Risque Revue are more modestly clad than the croupiers.

13> Instead of black or red, roulette tables let you place bets on "real" or "fake."

12> Complimentary greasy hot wing on your pillow at night.

11> "Half-Off Night" -- when the cocktail waitresses all have wardrobe malfunctions.

10> A "Cooling-Off Room" featuring Linda Tripp reading poetry.

9> Slot machines galore, but nary a cherry to be found.

8> Commonly heard at *every* gaming table: "Hit me. Ohhhhh, yes, hit me!"

7> The bouncers are simply amazing.

6> Guy at the craps table yelling, "Seven! Come on, seven! Daddy needs a new pair of undershorts!"

5> Their slogan: "We've got the loosest sluts in town!"

4> Great laughs to be had watching stunned Harry Potter fans drawn in by the giant owl out front.

3> Now in the Hooters Theater: Cirque du Soleil's "Ho!"

2> Cries of "Snake-eyes!" have less to do with dice and more to do with tank tops and air conditioning.

1> Siegfried and Roy are no longer the biggest boobs in town.

The Top 16 Surprises at a Nudist Restaurant

16> Let's just say that getting wasabi in your eye isn't the worst thing that can happen.

15> Sizzling hot-plate dishes served with a side of aloe.

14> Who knew all the chefs at Benihana were Jewish?

13> Turns out silicone repels drawn butter, making lobster bibs unnecessary.

12> Their claim for "Best Sticky Buns in Town" refers to their vinyl seats.

11> Paris Hilton banned from entering. Hey, they've got to maintain *some* standards.

10> The cook steadfastly refuses to budge from his "no bacon" rule.

9> You'd be amazed how many straws and extra napkins a waitress can tuck into a fat roll.

8> The waiters all wear thong hairnets.

7> Surprisingly, it's easier to choke down snails when you've got boobs to look at.

6> "Waiter, there's soup in my hair!" frequently heard throughout the evening.

5> When you take out your credit card to pay, the cashier bends over and asks you to swipe it.

4> The napkin goes *under* your lap.

3> Waiters no longer have to take the soup back to the kitchen in order to get their revenge.

2> Thanks to its extended "sneeze" guard, the salad bar looks like the popemobile.

1> "I beg your pardon, sir -- I thought you were signaling for the check."

The Top 17 Indications Your Family May Be Dysfunctional

17> New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.

16> Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.

15> Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the last beer.

14> In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.

13> Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.

12> Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.

11> Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, "A Menendez Family Christmas."

10> Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.

9> Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house.

8> Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.

7> You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.

6> Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."

5> You *finally* get your work published in a major newspaper and your rat-bastard brother sics the Feds on you.

4> Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.

3> Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.

2> Didn't make today's Top 5 List? Dad holds ya, Mom beats ya.

1> No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a meth lab.

The Top 19 Signs You've Gone to the Wrong Tattoo Parlor

19> Only does patterns by Laura Ashley.

18> While working on your back, he keeps mumbling, "Damn, you breathed again."

17> Sundays feature their "Number of the Beast" special.

16> Needles sterilized with a quick dip in a shot of Cuervo.

15> Recently had their grant revoked by the National Endowment for the Arts.

14> Doesn't offer option between "young Elvis" and "Vegas Elvis."

13> A thousand head of cattle in the waiting room.

12> Artist keeps knocking back slugs from the bottle of rubbing alcohol "just to steady the ol' nerves."

11> Work samples on the walls are actual pieces of skin.

10> "Whaddaya mean you DON'T want a swastika?!!?"

9> You ask for roses intertwined around a logic diagram of a basic 4-bit integer divide circuit, and they just have NO IDEA.

8> Your appointment is always being rescheduled to accommodate some die-hard KISS fan.

7> Mickey Rourke carried out on a stretcher as you arrive.

6> There is an indescribable, existential malaise in the air.

5> Tipper Gore in next chair getting her hair done.

4> The only bikes parked outside are Schwinns and Huffys.

3> You're served petit fours and cappuccino while waiting.

2> Nothing sterile in sight, unless you count the employees with their court-ordered vasectomies.

1> Your "Jesus on the Cross" constantly mistaken for "Gabe Kaplan Playing Golf."

The Top 16 Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up

16> They've begun moving into the basements of their parents' retirement homes.

15> 7-Eleven now offering early-bird specials on Jolt Cola and microwave burritos.

14> Raves now start at 5 p.m. and break up by 9 p.m. -- just in time for "The West Wing."

13> "Doom IV" now officially an Olympic event.

12> Ross and Rachel have moved to rural Vermont and are solving petty crimes with Sheriff Tom Bosley in the new series, "Old Friends."

11> "MTV's Real World: Suburban Omaha."

10> They're trading in their mosh-pit bangings for Sunday afternoon games of no-contact, non-competitive Ultimate Frisbee.

9> A panicky Larry King quickly learns to kiss Tony Hawk's ass.

8> Out: Stone Temple Pilots. In: Tso Temple Pilates.

7> The playlist this morning on your dentist's Muzak system: Fugazi, Pearl Jam, Nirvana and Green Day.

6> Out: Goth 24/7. In: Roth 401(k).

5> Getting sex more than twice a week now qualifies as an "Xtreme" event.

4> New Mountain Dew Code Blue

3> Then: acid-washed denim. Now: acid-washed duodenum.

2> All those gray goatees are giving you a permanent KFC jones.

1> They're ready to FIGHT for their RIGHT to PUDDING.

The Top 16 Signs Something's Gone Wrong in Your Vegas Show

16> The only people involved with the show who are wearing enormous, feathered headdresses are the lighting guys.

15> Audience members are clamoring for you to sing something from "back when you didn't suck."

14> Crowd cheers wildly at the sudden appearance of Blue Man Group. The problem is that you're with Cirques du Soleil and those are actually the Amazing Plastic-Bag-on-the-Head-for-Too-Long Brothers.

13> Distracted by some cherries jubilee, Ann-Margaret bites a waiter in the jugular during her "Kitten With a Whip" routine.

12> The mob, not caring for "Johnny Wallenda's Italian Humor Revue," relocated your show to the hotel roof and renamed it "The Flying Wellenda -- One Night Only!"

11> No matter how many times you count, there is still an *odd* number of breasts on stage.

10> After removing the blindfold, you notice that the front-row patrons aren't covered with bits of watermelon, but with turtle guts.

9> As if it weren't bad enough that your big-budget, three-act extravaganza was written and directed by the Wachowski brothers, Keanu is your lead dancer.

8> Danny Gans is ill and his stand-in, Danny Glans, is doing his impression of a snail in a German army helmet.

7> Your "Lena the Stripper Magician" act leaves you precious few places to secrete the disappearing doves.

6> You just don't understand why sales for your "Bob Hope/Art Carney/John Ritter New Year's Eve Comedy Spectacular" aren't booming.

5> A slight scheduling mixup results in Lennox Lewis' 10-second knockout of Meat Loaf.

4> A berserk Penn Jillette is dragging you across the stage by your throat and you can't scream without breaking character.

3> You ate an apple too close to show time, and people did *not* pay to see Celine Dion look like a snake that just ate a pig whole.

2> Thanks to your hair-lipped costume designer, the chorus girls showed up with pastries on their breasts.

1> "For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer from the audience! You... yes, you, sir... come right up here on stage. What's your name?"
"Attorney General John Ashcroft."

The Top 16 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Interior Decorator

16> He shows up wearing tights and a beach-towel cape and shouts, "This is a job for Decoratorman!"

15> His stated intent to "Graceland this place up" is a little worrisome.

14> Suggests trying a scheme that's color-coordinated with your gastro-intestinal tract.

13> It turns out the only thing he has in common with Martha Stewart is a felony conviction.

12> Her default solution to any wall-covering situation? Clay Aiken posters.

11> Keeps trying to convince you of the decorative power of Quaker Rolled Oats.

10> Asks if you wouldn't mind storing some corpses for him in your basement "until the heat dies down."

9> Suggests you sell your kids "since they keep messing the place up."

8> As you enter your house for the first time, Tom Bodett and some guy with a violin are serenading you.

7> Her preferred living room fabric? Ham.

6> It's not really important to you that the carpet match both the cat AND your toupee.

5> You ask for a "country" decor; he gives you post-Nazi Poland.

4> Every single room is the same: aqua on one wall, orange on another and Dan Marino's face looking down from the ceiling.

3> "I call this look 'Abu Ghracious Living.'"

2> You're not sure exactly what's involved in a "Chuck Berry-style" bathroom, but it can't be good.

1> Thanks to Escher & Sons, you can no longer find your bathroom.

The Top 16 Other Manufactured Controversies

16> VP Dick Cheney says he saw Kerry take 12 items through the "10 Item or Less" lane at the Georgetown Safeway.

15> According to Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa corks his forearms, too.

14> The Sesame Street cast says that Bert's all-potassium diet is turning him into a walking banana.

13> Britney claims that Christina once uttered the phrase "not tonight."

12> Whitney Houston's drug rehabilitation has been put on hold while her doctors argue about whether her entourage are enablers, co-dependents or caretakers.

11> Ralph Nader claims the electoral system discriminates against the megalomaniacally insane.

10> Democratic party leaders Bill Clinton and Gary Hart accuse President Bush of clandestine monogamy and fidelity.

9> Kerry says that although he threw away his combat decorations, as a senior in high school Bush threw his equestrian medals into the large lake behind the family estate to protest the top billing of the school's football team over the polo team.

8> Rush Limbaugh alleges that Al Franken merely *skimmed* end-user agreements in software he purchased.

7> John Stamos says that Rebecca Romijn-Stamos bogarted all the face creams and bronzers.

6> Terry McAuliffe claims that George W. Bush's insistence that there is absolute truth is an outright rejection of the entire post-modern generation.

5> Alex Trebek insinuates that Pat Sajak is disregarding the rules by not requiring contestants to buy the "Y."

4> "The L.A. *Lakers*? Is Los Angeles known for its lakes? Shouldn't a sports franchise's nickname at least have some tangential connection to its host city's unique local culture? We think so. We are the Utah Jazz, and we approved this message."

3> Producers of "The Simple Life" claim they have video proof that Paris Hilton was *not* a virgin when they hired her for the show.

2> Elton John starts a nasty rumor that fellow adult-contemporary artist Sting once played in a rock and roll band.

1> Mary-Kate Olsen accuses sister Ashley of being a no-talent bimbo trading on her looks.

RELATIONSHIPS

2013-08-19T22:32:00.000+02:00

Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex

25. It's OK to bleed during play

24. If it's a bad game, you can call a time-out

23. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.

22. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.

21. You can still play when you get married.

20. You can change on the fly.

19. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.

18. If you can't get it up, who cares.

17. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at.

16. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over
again.

15. It is broadcast live on TV.

14. Every one can shoot at the same goal.

13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing.

12. Because of the face-mask, nothing can get in your.

11. You always know how big the stick is.

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.

9. The puck is always hard.

8. Protective equipment is reusable, and you don't ever have to
wash it.

7. It lasts a full hour.

6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

5. Your parents cheer when you score.

4. Periods only last twenty minutes.

3. You can count on it at least twice a week.

2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards

And the # 1 reason why hockey is better than sex---A two-on-one
or three-on-one is common in hockey.

The Top 16 Signs Your Wedding Day Isn't Going Well

16> The ceremony is spoiled by the insistent beeping from the bride's ankle cuff.

15> You're forced to exchange vows from separate rooms because of that week-old restraining order.

14> The bride's father gets his feelings hurt when her pimp insists on giving her away.

13> Even though he's sitting in the front row, you still don't remember the Grim Reaper being on the guest list.

12> At the end of the ceremony, Reverend Jones proposes a Kool-Aid toast.

11> Your bride enthusiastically shouts, "I do!" Unfortunately, it's when the priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage.

10> The ceremony starts in 20 minutes and you're still fighting over who gets to wear the dress.

9> "Do you take this man, Scott Peterson, to be your...."

8> When the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" crew shows up to help plan the upcoming honeymoon, your fiance becomes alarmingly smitten with Carson the fashion savant.

7> "Something blue" is Grandma. Better call 911.

6> After greeting your bride by name, the honeymoon hotel clerk asks if she wants the room for the whole night this time.

5> Something old? Check.
Something new? Check.
Something borrowed? Check.
Something blew? Chuck, the best man.

4> You spot Ron Jeremy sitting on the bride's side of the church.

3> The groom refuses to put on the ring on your finger, saying, "Not the Preciousssss!"

2> Saying your vows extemporaneously was going great until you drew a blank on a rhyme for "clitoris."

1> You can't seem to find your tuxedo pants. But even if you could, the wedding is in Nebraska and you're handcuffed to a dominatrix in Singapore.

16 Signs more

16> Writing your wedding vows in Klingon seemed like such a cool idea at the bachelor party.

15> During the toast, when the bride's father refers to his daughter as "pure and virtuous," you laugh and blow champagne out your nose.

14> Sure, it rains at some outdoor weddings, but hellfire and brimstone?

13> The bride figurine atop the wedding cake? A fluffy white sheep.
Your pissed-off bride? A goat.

12> Getting married at Graceland seemed like a good idea, but you didn't count on that annoying spinning sound coming from Daddy's grave.

11> The ring bearer keeps dropping the bride's glass eye.

10> Your wedding planner convinced you to forgo a traditional reception in favor of a contemporary "flash-mob reception."

9> Traditional wedding: rice.
Your wedding: scorpions.

8> As soon as your vows are complete, Anna Nicole "accidentally" kicks over your ventilator.

7> Your bride keeps on telling you that it's unlucky to see her *after* the wedding.

6> Your vows are to love, honor, obey, remember to feed Bubbles and the llamas every night, and keep up the subscription to "NAMBLA Illustrated."

5> You can't get the ceremony started because the altar keeps bursting into flames whenever your fiancee approaches it.

4> Mid-ceremony, the priest whips out a chicken foot and begins to sprinkle yak urine on the bride.

3> "Do you, CuteBabe19, take BigGuy23-- damn, the server's down again!"

2> One hour before the big "I do," you suddenly realize there's a bridesmaid you haven't nailed.

1> You broke three bones in your hand in an altercation with photographers, your bride split the seam of her Vera Wang when she sat down, and now that little turd Matt Damon can't find the friggin' ring.

Cell Phone

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the handsfree speaker-function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. Its only $1,000. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $750,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $740,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Breakfast for Newlyweds

This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o' clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards."

The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room. The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast bpought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

The groom replies, "I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!!"

Thoughts on Marriage

NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?
SAGE : Clever men don't BECOME husbands!

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law `etter than I like mine."

WIFE : The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
HUSBAND: Which is this?

NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
SPOUSE : Sure, what are my choices?
NEWLYWED: Yes and no.

The word 'stressed' makes perfect sense when you realize it is 'desserts' spelled backwards.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A young man was extolling the virtues of his beautiful fiancee. One of his closest friends said to him: "You can't be serious about marrying Sarah Jane!"
"Why", he asked. "She's dated every man in Phoenix."

The bridegroom-to-be thought awhile and then muttered pensively, "Phoenix isn't such a big town."

MRS MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong when he's out of town.

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, in the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here either."

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?

NEVER ENOUGH GENDER JOKES...

2013-08-17T22:47:00.000+02:00

Top 100 reasons its better to be a woman

1. we can get laid anytime we want
2. we never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
3. we piss sitting down so its easier to pass out on the toilet when you're drunk
4. we get out of speeding tickets by crying
5. we get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg
6. we can sleep our way to the top of the class
7. we get to shop at Victoria's Secret
8. we can marry rich and then not have to work
9. we never have to pay when we go out on dates
10. men take us on all expense paid trips- all we have to do is sleep with them
11. men light our cigarettes for us
12. men hold the door open for us
13. we pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
14. we're cuter
15. we lie better
16. we're better manipulators
17. we always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves- you guys get the couch
18. we always have food in the fridge
19. when we cook, it doesn't precede a trip to the ER or a visit from the fire dept
20. we always get to choose the movie
21. we don't have to mow the lawn
22. we don't have to take out the garbage
23. we don't have to paint the house or walls
24. PMS- yet another excuse to bitch at men
25. cosmopolitan
26. we can con our way out of anything- not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole
27. men unlock our side of the car first- a real bonus when its cold
28. PMS is a legal defense for murder
29. men are like tiles, lay em right the first time ya can walk all over em forever
30. we can masturbate more in a day than men
31. 2 words- multi orgasmic
32. we don't have to constantly adjust our genitals
33. sweat is sexy on us
34. we never run out of excuses
35. you guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often
36. doggie style- that way we get to watch the game too
37. we get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back
38. we get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time cuz men fuck up so often
39. we can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner
40. women are cleaner
41. women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys didn't know)
42. we're better arguers
43. we don't always have to think with our genitals
44. massage!!!!
45. we're better parents
46. we never have to sit home alone on a weekend night
47. there's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men
48. we're flexible
49. when women get pissed we don't destroy property or hurt people- we just take it out on the world in general because we can
50. menopause- thank god we're not capable of having children after we're 50
51. menstruation- just another excuse to use so we can say "no" to sex
52. men in uniform
53. there is no penis envy
54. we can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate because there's no messy clean-up
55. it generally takes us less to get drunk
56. we have a higher tolerance to pain
57. we often get to cut in line
58. most women actually look good in short shorts- men DON'T
59. better tips
60. women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, its rather disgusting
61. we have mastered civilized eating- we don't embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public
62. women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting- thank god for long pants and perfume!
63. we can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want
64. we don't have excessive amounts of body hair
65. we don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet
66. men will pay us for sex
67. smoking the seeds in marijuana doesn't make us sterile
68. we can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return
69. men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a time, but we can have sex with an entire football team at once if we want
70. men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us
71. women sweat less
72. women smell better
73. when women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on flowers or cards- a blowjob and sex fixes all
74. men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats
75. women don't get the humor in the three stooges
76. women have three accessible holes
77. we don't get embarrassed when buying tampons
78. we're better gossips
79. we have better fashion sense
80. we're better shoppers
81. we don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man
82. our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone
83. men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and i'm not gonna tell you)
84. we're all sittin on a gold mine- we know it and use it to our extreme advantage
85. we don't have to drive when on a date
86. an ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable- ugly men are just fucked
87. women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn" line
88. women know how fake it
89. women look better naked
90. we know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing
91. when women are short, we're petite, when men are short, they're just short
92. women do less time for violent crime
93. women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up
94. an oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time any night
95. women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye"
96. women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood
97. women never have to see combat
98. the remote control is not an extension of ourselves
99. women are sexier
100. we can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!

100 Ways to Be a Man

(100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)

1. Don't call, ever.

2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

3. Lie.

4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike".

5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.

6. Here's a good pickup line,: "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?

7. Drink Vernors.

8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

10. Always remember: you are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

11. Lie.

12. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.

13. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

14. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.

15. If you don't like a girl but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like: "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."

16. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.

17. If, GOD FOrbiD, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.

19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.

21. Tell her you will call, then refer back to Rule 1.

22. Say things like "Wha...?"

23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked them out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

24. Lie.

25. Deny everything. Everything.

26. Good break up line: "it's not you, it's me."

27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.

28. Don't have a clue.

29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

30. No means yes.

31. Yes means no.

32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.

34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.

35. Feelings? What feelings?

36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex: "don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."

37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to eradicate all of them from the planet.

39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."

40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.

41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.

42. Lie.

43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it.

44. A general rule: if whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.

45. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.

46. Lie.

47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.

48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.

49. Try to have a good memory but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye colour.

50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.

51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

52. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.

53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.

54. Lie.

55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

58. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.

59. You are male, therefore you are superior.

60. Agenda for a boring evening: get beer, drink beer, play with yourself, have sex, drink more beer, pass out.

61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

62. Don't ever notice anything.

63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.

64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: quantity, not quality.

65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: quantity IS quality.

66. Lie.

67. If you cheat on a girl but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.

68. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?

69. If the question begins with "why", the answer is "I don't know."

70. Women are your napkins. Use them and throw them away.

71. Remember: every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault - not you.

73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so". If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.

74. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.

75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.

76. Other people's pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.

77. Lie.

78. General Rule: different is BAD.

79. If anyone asks you for a favour:- (a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it; (b) remind them of this huge favour you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

80. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.

81. If you do something really mean to a girl and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask: "is something wrong?"

82. Three words: "let's be friends". Translation: "I never want to speak to you again but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend."

83. Lie.

84. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.

85. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say: "God, I was such a pimp back then."

86. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell (true story).

87. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.

88. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.

89. Practice your blank stare.

90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.

91. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.

92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say: "SEE? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

93. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like: "no, Baby, I was BORN like this!"

94. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd or Oldies.

95. Beer, Then more beer.

96. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

97. One word: FOOTBALL!

98. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we?

99. Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".

100. Lie.

The Top 13 Signs your Bachelorette Party isn't going well

13. The male stripper you hired is moonlighting to supplement his full-time Sumo wrestling income.

12. Too much purging, not enough bingeing.

11. Obviously confused about your instructions, the dancer shows up wearing LEPER skin.

10. Someone spiked the punch with Summer's Eve.

9. The traditional game of "Famous Politicians I'd Sleep With" just took a turn for the serious with the arrival Mr. Starr and his subpoenas.

8. All those bags of WOW potato chips and Diet Sodas have given new meaning to the term, "spotting."

7. You knew that Daddy had taken a night job. You didn't know that Daddy's new job title was "Danny, the Firehose Dude."

6. One of your friends shows up late with the excuse that she had to give a quickie to some guy getting married next week.

5. You really didn't want your boss to "honor" you by volunteering to strip, but how can you say no to the President of the United States?

4. On your way to jail, you decide that ripping the pants off that "stripper" cop wasn't such a good idea.

3. Misunderstanding at entertainment agency results in a special appearance by Chip and Dale.

2. Your water breaks.

1. That damn Martha Stewart forgets to bring the pubic topiary centerpiece.

A Man's Answer to Every Question a Woman Ever Asks

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

How to Tell if You're a Woman

1. You're a Bitch.

2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" you reply "no," then get pissed off when you are believed.

3. You become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour.
4. You always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. You always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business. For example, you say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend," when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend - whether it is possible or not!"

6. You whine.

7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.

9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

11. You complain.

12. You hate any bar he likes.

13. You demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.

14. You declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life.

15. Any woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend is labelled a WHORE, and your network of friends is informed immediately to spread this 'fact' as quickly as possible.

16. You make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

17. You break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.

18. You ask for help in some endeavour then become livid when it is given.

19. You insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

20. You must have two sets of clothes: your "Fat Clothes" and your "Clothes I'm Going to Fit In Someday, I Swear". Still, you don't like any of them.

21. (Corollary to #4) You have three closets (plus two dressers and six boxes) full of clothes, yet you stand in front of them for three hours before an important dinner declaring, "I have nothing to wear."

22. You actually like the Lifetime cable channel.

23. Girls Night Out is a special treat. Boys Night Out is forbidden.

Buying Gifts for Men

Ladies: Need help Gift Shopping for the man in your life? Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)

Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Real Relationship

A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure.

Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.

Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don't know, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else????

His story:

Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got some lovin' though.

What women do to men

Man: If I could see you naked, I\'d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I\'d probably die laughing.

Man: Haven\'t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that\'s why I don\'t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I\'ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I\'m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what\'s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: Why aren\'t you married yet?
Woman: What? And spoil my great sex life?

Man: Why aren\'t you married yet?
Woman:Why aren\'t you thin?

Man: Why aren\'t you married yet?
Woman: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Being a guy is tops...

Your arsenal is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don\'t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting shagged.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Princess Di\'s death was just another obituary.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. \'Nuff said...

You don\'t give a f**k if someone doesn\'t notice your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubes.

Wrinkles add character.

A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.

You don\'t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

People never glance at your chest when you\'re
talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don\'t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Porn films are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with \"So, notice anything different?\"

You can appreciate great sport.

You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hairdressers don\'t rob you blind.

You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don\'t have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.

You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hour without ever thinking, \"He must be mad at me.\"

You don\'t mooch off other\'s desserts.

You can kill your own food.

If another bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

You don\'t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don\'t have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

You can \"do\" your nails with a pocket-knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Same job... more pay.

MAN AND WOMEN OR WOMEN AND MAN THATS THE QUESTION NOW

2013-08-15T22:46:00.001+02:00

The Top 13 Clues a Beauty Contestant is Actually a Man

13> "And now, Miss West Virginia will sing 'Wind Beneath My Wings,' accompanied by her penis."

12> "I completely fail to see what people find interesting about Oprah."

11> When asked how she would help the world, she says "I'd get the Knicks a decent freakin' point guard, fer chrissakes."

10> "Here she is, Miss East Ger-man-yyy, ..."

9> Asks everyone, "Does this bikini make my package look big?"

8> Meticulously coiffed hair? Check.
Swimsuit? Check.
Black socks and sandals? Uh oh.

7> "And now for my talent segment, I'm going to write my name in the snow."

6> Gets lost backstage, then refuses to ask for directions.

5> There's only one contestant who can carry a spare towel into the shower and still scrub Miss Norway's back with both hands.

4> "If I could change one thing about the world, I'd like to have an all Three Stooges channel on cable."

3> Measurements: 36, 26, 7, 36

2> Wake up call -- 7:00am
Dressed and ready to go on stage -- 7:12am

1> "Now there's a nice touch: Miss Florida has pinned a tiny replica of her state on the front of her bikini bott-- Oh, my dear lord in heaven...."

It's Good to be a Man

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.

The world is your urinal. I love this one...

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking 'He's mad at me.'

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Mars Eclipses Venus

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.

A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while, neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

Then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. . . To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:

Jeez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking:
Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking:
But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even knog this person?

And Roger is thinking:
So that means it was ...let's see ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking:
He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking:
And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking:
He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking:
They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. Scumbags!

And Elaine is thinking:
Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school girl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking:
Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the difference between men and women!

Snap Judgments about Men and Women

Reading the signs: How to make shallow snap judgments

Taken from Women's Glibber The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person.

Train yourself to recognize - and decode these key "signs":

1. Woman won't unlock car door for man. -Doesn't engage in oral sex.
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. -No foreplay.
3. Man can't hail a cab. -Impotent.
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. -Prefers virgins.
5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way there. -Is a virgin.
6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelight restaurant. -Compulsive Don Juan.
7. Insists on going to a homey little cafe. -Compulsive Don Quixote.
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. -Compulsive Don Ho.
9. Wants to go to a French restaurant. -Will swallow.
10. Wants to go to a deli. -Won't swallow.
11. Uses Sweet n' Low. -Wears falsies.
12. Takes too long deciding what to order. -Has trouble reaching orgasm.
13. Orders salad dressing on the side. -Will give a hand job, but won't go "all the way". 14. Gives explicit orders to the waiter or waitress. -Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.
15. Asks for extra rolls. -Will say she's using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue.
16. Insists on ordering for you. -Thinks that you had an orgasm when you didn't.
17. Asks for "the usual". -Insists on missionary position only.
18. Asks what the specials are. -Will want you to use handcuffs.
19. Fills up on bread and crackers. -Premature ejaculator.
20. Doesn't finish everything on the plate. -Has already come.
21. Insists on having some of what you ordered. -Will make you sleep on the wet spot.
22. Changes mind after ordering. -Will never call you. 23. Changes tables. -Nymphomaniac.
24. Drinks decaf. -Fakes orgasm. (Female)
25. Orders in French. -Fakes orgasm. (Male)
26. Sends food back. -Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, and then try to borrow money.
27. Asks for detailed descriptions of the desserts. -Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. -Wants a hand job.
29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. -Castrating bitch.
30. Wants to split dessert. -Is dying to move in with you and rearrange all your closets.
31. Credit card is refused. -Low sperm count.
32. Under tips waiter. -Small penis.
33. Under tipc parking valet. -Small penis.
34. Under tips cabbie. -Small penis.
35. Uses a toothpick. -Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
36. Has a removable cassette player in car. -Pulls out repeatedly during sex.
37. Has a cellular phone in car. -Has a penile implant.

You can't win...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self defence.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious enough.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Differences between good girls and bad girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls wear white cotton panties.
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Goodgirls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.

Good girls prefer the missionary postition.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say 'no'.
Bad girls say 'when?'

Top 47 Reasons for women NOT To Have Sex

1. The pitter patter of little feet

2. Never let 'em see you sweat

3. Your parents might realise that you're not 12 years old anymore

4. Naked men

5. Guilt, guilt, and GUILT

6. You might like it

7. Rhenquist, Scalia, Kennedy, Souter, Thomas

8. Paying back oral sex debts

9. Only pagans procreate

10. Castration

11. You might fall in lust or, Heaven forbid, love

12. Body hair

13. Too many lights on in the room

14. Your roommate and neighbours can't sleep with all that screaming

15. Axl Rose

16. Since that nasty little Gulf War, there's no money left for research and treatment of those nasty little Sexually Transmitted Diseases

17. Why bother doing it yourself? Just buy the new Prince album

18. Pennsylvania Abortion Law

19. Utah Abortion Law

20. Alabama Abortion Law

21. Taking care of the orgasm deficit

22. Yeast infections

23. Too sticky

24. Messes up your hair

25. Charley-horses

26. Bladder infections

27. Cher

28. "It's only a cold sore"

29. Photographers with infrared cameras (remember, if it can be seen from a public place, it's not private)

30. Hetero men who ask, "Did you come yet?"

31. SOMEBODY has to sleep in the wet spot

32. Taking off the jimmy-hat

33. In horror flicks, people having sex are always the first to be killed by axe murderers in hockey masks

34. The ever popular Eternal Damnation

35. Smegma

36. You still live with your parents

37. You love her but you're not *in love* with her

38. Creation of sounds not meant to be emitted by the human body

39. Drooling

40. Letters to the Editor

41. Calling out the wrong name

42. Potential threat to your political aspirations (unless you're a Kennedy)

43. Your brother gets home from school at 3:00

44. No one to have sex with

45. Carpet burn

46. Any offspring resultant from sex may end up looking like you!

47. Worse than No.46.. they could end up looking like him!

Things that Suck About Being a Guy

1) You have to take out the garbage.

2) Being told to put the seat down.

3) No sofas in your restrooms.

4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

5) Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.

6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.

7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.

8) You have to wear ties.

9) You can't flirt you way out of a traffic ticket.

10) "Women and children first."

RELATIONS TODAY

2013-08-13T22:14:00.000+02:00

Top Ten Rejection Lines Given by Women (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to date my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) And the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

Degree Courses for Women

1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don t need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.
9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.
13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.
16. Parking: Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention... its fat.
20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.
21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS: Your problem... not his.

Women's 45 Rules for Men

1. Call
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
7. Victoria's secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart," are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch," are bad.
11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
14. Her cooking is excellent.
15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid coocking.
16. Dish soap is your friend.
17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
19. Answering "Who was on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
21. Two words: clean socks.
22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.
23. Burping is not sexy.
24. You're wrong.
25. You're sorry.
26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think.
27. Ditto for you discourse on football.
28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm.
34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
39. Always, always suck up to her brother.
40. Think boxers. Silk boxers.
41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.
42. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
43. Her haircut is never bad.
44. Don't let your friends pick on her.
45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

Male Bashing

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word they say.

Q: Why are men like popcorn?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.

Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.

Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men.

Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer.

Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is giving birth.

Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.

Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company.

Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don't have any.

Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.

Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5000 miles, whichever came first.

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains.

Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!

Q: How do you grow your own dope?
A: Plant a man.

Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
A: They have one small one while having sex with "their" woman....and a second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies about it.

Q: What about the man who saw the sign "Drink Canada Dry"?
A: He moved there.

Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?
A: She drops him off at the golfcourse.

Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
A: Put the remote control between his toes

Q: What do men consider housecleaning?
A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head

Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer

Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows - we've never seen it done!

Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.

Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
A: He's breathing

Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by

Q: What do men consider foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?/?

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind.
2. No business.

Q: If men got pregnant....
A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends.

Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A: He had it bronzed.

Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.

Q: What is gross stupidity?
A: 144 men in one room.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through its pecker!

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay!

Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: Who has the time?

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in!

Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!

Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out.

WHAT WE CAN TALK MORE THAN ABOUT MANS ....

2013-08-12T22:33:00.000+02:00

New Courses for Men

Class size is limited to 10 as course material may prove difficult.

Agenda

1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. P.M.S. Learning To Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How To Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas - Give Us $$$$$
6. Understanding The Female Responses To Your Coming In Drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques - (Formally Called "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
9. You - The Weaker Sex
10. Reasons To Give Flowers
11. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom
12. How To Stay Awake After Sex
13. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
14. Sex 101 - You Can Fall Asleep Without It, If You Really Try Sex 102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's "Awake", Take A Cold Shower
15. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
16. How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
17. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate And Not Get Lost
18. The Remote Control - Overcome Your Dependency
19. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
20. How Not To Get Younger Than Your Children
21. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
22. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked
23. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
24. The Attainable Goal - Omitting @#$% From Your Vocabulary
25. Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
26. Real Men Ask For Directions

A COPY OF THE ABOVE ENDED UP IN OUR LOCAL SHERIFF'S HANDS SO HE DECIDED TO HELP UPDATE THESE COURSES....

While I certainly can't dispute some of the coursework you've listed in such a cavalier fashion, you forgot to show some of the classes that males take great pride in. They are:

1. Eating Straight Out of the Can . . . an environmentalist approach
2. Flatulence As An Art Form
3. If It's There, Why Can't I Touch It? The key to understanding women
4. Duct Tape - 101
5. Duct Tape - Advanced - The Magic Silver Strip
6. It's Mine...I Can Scratch It...Assertiveness training
7. Cooking for Fun and Sex
8. Beer Gargling ... Prerequisite is Chemistry 101
9. How To Make Your Woman Really Hot (blow your nose on her curtains)
10. Cussing to Make Your Point (Sub. for Speech 101, Asshole)
11. Cooties - How to Check Girls for Them
12. How To Order at a Fancy Restaurant
13. How To Slip Out Without Paying At A Fancy Restaurant
14. How To Have Great Sex
15. How To Have Great Sex With A Partner (Advanced Only)

Dr.Suite, CEO of the PyBRUs Chapter "Men can be amusing, really" offers courses for women who want to better understand their men. Courses are limited to 50 per class (this curriculum is usually easily assimilated by the female gender).

If Men Rewrote The Rules

Rule # 1 - Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 - If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3 - If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4 - It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5 - Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6 - Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7 - You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule # 8 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Rule # 9 - Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10 - Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Rule # 11 - When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Rule # 12 - Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

Quotes from Women

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." --- Hedy Lamarr

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee

Woman Wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes -- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, women will flock to him like bees to honey."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me. So, "KAZAM" -- she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and
he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, "KAZAM"-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever . Don't mess with them.

How to Talk About Men & Still be Politically Correct

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIALINVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

Male-Female Relationships...Long But True

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see. .. February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the rats.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ...

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . I feel so . . ." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What? ' says Roger.

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

''Yes,'' he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

''What way?'' says Roger.

''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger.

''Yes.'' (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''

ARE THE MAN'S ALWAYS RIGHT ???

2013-08-11T21:09:00.000+02:00

More Male Bashing

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower?
Lawnmowers don't bitch after they cut the yard.

How do you keep a man from attacking you?
Throw him the remote control.

What one thing can always get a man out of your life?
A hunting licence.

What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.

What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A sex-change operation.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why do men talk so dirty?
So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

Why did God create man?
She didn't. Her husband did.

How do you confuse a man?
Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.

Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
If they do, it's odd!

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

What's foreplay when you are married?
20 minutes of begging and pleading.

Male/Female Phrases

Haven't I seen you before? Nice ass.

I'm a Romantic. "I'm poor.

I need you. My hand is tired.

I want a commitment. I'm sick of masturbation.

You're the only man I've ever cared about. You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.

I really want to get to know you better. So I can tell my friends about it.

It's just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs wrapped around my head.

She's kinda cute. I want to have sex with her till my dick turns blue!

He's not my type. He won't sleep with me.

I miss you so much. I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.

I had a wonderful time last night. Who the hell are you?

Do you love me? I've done something stupid and you might find out.

Do you 'really' love me? I've done something stupid and you're going to find out.

I'll give you a call. I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.

I've been thinking a lot. You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I think we should just be friends. You're ugly.

I've learned a lot from you. Next!

What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Women's Compact Instruction Book

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.

The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).

Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar".

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend".

There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

What I Want In A Man

What I Want In A Man, Original List... (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, Revised List... (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends

Advice to Men

ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT

Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Let's see, the myth is that women want Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.

Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?

And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men.

ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.

FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....

FIVE- This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.

NINE- Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.

TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big diamond the size of your head?

MAN V/S WOMAN WHO WINS ???

2013-08-10T11:09:00.000+02:00

A Man's View of a Relationship

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered again take it, because it'll never be quite the same.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it will last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of the month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary, if your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night--then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness!!!!!!!!!

Men & Women

1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I was the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

2.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place? "
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

3.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

4.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."

5.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name. "
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

6.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

7.) Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you."
Woman: (tries to ignore him)
Man: "You know what? I also love sex.. What do you say to that?"
Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?"
Man: (nods his head smiling)
Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"

8.) I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."

9.) Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)

10.) Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.

11.Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, fuck off!"

12.) After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

13.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

14.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."

15.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

16.) The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, "Well is it the size of donkey or Doberman?"

The Males Wee Superiority

All right, even if you accept that women are better than men at making decisions, running families, looking good, showing emotions, driving, managing employees, coping with stress, sex, shopping, arguing, being prime minister, map reading, shouting and identifying little things which are wrong about the house... even if you accept all this, you can't deny the fact that women are hopeless at urinating. Urinating is where men come into their own. It is one of the intrinsic male talents, up there with unscrewing the lids of pickle jars, putting bumblebees out of the window and hand-to-hand fighting.

If you had to write a testimonial to manhood, however short the list of virtues, it would have to include "good urinator". For a start, men have the best equipment. Aim is not a problem for the conscientious male lavatory user. His ergonomic "hose" type arrangement gives better directional control, longer range, faster in-and-out operation and finger-tip control of a variety of effects, from jet to mist.

In most other areas women's bodies are often of a more practical and versatile design than men's, able to adapt impressively to the exacting demands of babies, lovers and fashion designers. Women have an in-built stock of extra subcutaneous fat to keep them warm, a cleavage in which to conceal their Derringer and to cap it all, hair. But in the female urinary department all is confusion and fog. It is as though God lost interest in women at this point and concentrated all his attention on the men instead, working late at the celestial assembly line, supervising trolley-loads of prototype penises, giving the young men pep talks about good deeds and grass fires and sending them behind the garages to practice.

Envy us though they will, women will never catch up, however hard they practice. They are simply not physiologically cut out for the job. From any discreet distance it's difficult to see what's going on at all, and anyone who has watched the process at close quarters (and most men have at some point in their lives paid good money to do just that) agree that it is a most unsatisfactory affair, more like watching a lemon being squeezed. Flow control is all gang awry. If you had a tap that did that, you'd sack the plumber.

The moment of truth when a girl becomes aware of this inherent shortcoming can be heart-breaking. I watched my three year-old daughter follow a trio of little boys to a hedge at a picnic. She positioned herself at the end of their line, copying everything they did: she faced the fence, legs slightly apart, eyes rigidly ahead, and with her little fist gripped an air willy just below her belly. Then she weed down the side of her leg into her shoe. It was a hard lesson. As I wiped away her tears I had to explain that life had a different role for her--a sort of squatting one. And that one day she would receive breasts as compensation.

This lack of directional control, which is a critical factor in the male point-and-go technique, makes women very dependent on seat-type lavatories. Women who are caught short outdoors are obliged to adopt that undignified squat, feet splayed at obtuse angles, a position reminiscent of an elephant trying to sit on a very small, invisible chair. The vexed question of tights doesn't bear thinking about. On a windy motorway verge it makes a maladroit and forlorn spectacle. This posture makes women vulnerable to brambles, spiders, weekend photographers and practical jokers poking brooms out of the bushes with cushions tied to the ends, trying to push them over. They are sitting targets. Yet because of their vulnerability women have evolved the extraordinary ability to stop mid-wee and then carry on at a later date.

This is the only defense mechanism available to them when surprised by Sunday school parties or wolves. They are very cautious too about where they do it, especially outdoors. They spend a long time casing potential al fresco sites before committing themselves, relying on instinct to tell them when it is "right". Nothing, not even a bladder heavier than a Jilly Cooper novel can persuade them to relieve themselves if they (for instance) take against the color of a bush. Husbands, who down the ages have been forced to adopt the role of valet/lookout on these occasions, standing knee-deep in undergrowth improvising elaborate screens with coats and straining to hold aloft hemlines, handbags, gloves, half-nibbled sandwiches and glasses of Pimms while shooing hedgehogs away with their foot, have not always construed the statement "I'm stopping now: I don't like it here," as the sixth-sense early warning system it surely is. Had the husbands bothered to look, they would often enough have found a man crouched in a nearby bush trying to conceal a broom with a pillow tied to the end.

As it was they would uncharitably dismiss their wives' behavior as a feminine wile designed to make them feel imminent for the rest of the afternoon. Men don't beat about the bush. Thirty seconds and we're back in the car. It makes a blithe contrast and women, who like to pretend indifference, are secretly fascinated by the whole process, in particular the ritual of the gents' urinal--the architecture of the point-and-go system. It is a world barred to women, and so redolent of masculine mystique that any allusion to it in female company will usually command instant, if veiled attention. For this reason the urinal is a useful conversational tactic for moments with women of recent acquaintance, when conversation dries up. Women will often ask quite blatant questions after a few sherries. "How can you do it standing next to someone? Do you look at each other's genitals? What do you say to each other?" These are questions to which even men do not always have easy answers. What do we say to each other? It is a problem which recurs endlessly in every man's life, especially if the person standing next to him at the urinal is (as so often happens) his boss, a Chief Constable or a violent crack dealer. Does he look at their genitals? Not likely! It is strictly against the gents' etiquette and nobody succumbs, however strong the urge. He doesn't even look at his neighbor's face. He looks ahead only, eyes glassily fixed on the wall at a point unequivocally upwards. Few people realize that this is the origin of military bearing, for if it is incumbent on a man not to look at his neighbor's penis in a civilian toilet, then it is especially important in a military one. Where virility is so highly prized, foolish is the soldier who tries to take a peep at his sergeant-major's little man. And he has to beware unconsidered remarks, however urgent the desire to drown out the sound of ambient dripping. The man who blurts out: "That's a tiny penis you've got there Sergeant-Major!" is likely to forfeit his own, for you can be sure that any sergeant-major worth his salt will be carrying a larger weapon somewhere about his person. Urinal conversation is never profound--there's no time for that.

Those who try ambitious conversational gambits about the Big Bang or balsamic vinegar will find themselves alone at the trough. They should follow the rules, talking hollowly and with artificial bonhomie to the wall about last night's football match (taking care never to mention Arsenal) The gentlemen's urinal is a great leveler. In here, size doesn't matter, because though everything is theoretically on display, no merit is attached to having a large penis, as nobody ever sees it. In here men of all races and ages, from all walks of life, stand shoulder to shoulder at the porcelain face. In other circumstances they might not deign to talk to each other, but here they are simply men, equal in the sight of God, standing in line, talking about football, even though they may enjoy huge differences of wealth, privilege, power, intellect and of course, penis size. Men get little credit for their achievements in this area, yet they pay a high price for their own efficiency, waiting long hours outside ladies' lavatories with arms full of shopping, children, dogs and coats. And never a word of thanks. Most toilets are designed for women. Men tolerate them, yet they prefer to stand. Men don't crow, yet they have much to crow about. Nobody would try to claim that Margaret Thatcher (to take just one example), didn't have achievements, but the fact remains, if she were caught short on a dark landing after a late House of Commons sitting, would she be able to pee in the yucca pot? Unlikely. Yet this is something even the most inept male politician can do with his eyes shut, and many have. At one of those big Men Ape People Too rallies in the American wilderness, where males gather in primitive conditions to confront sophisticated modern inferiority anxieties; where accountants, stevedores and bakers bond in moonlight, invoke ghost fathers, hug bears and ritually torment trees; one man, suddenly inspired, stood up at the communal campfire and made a speech. "If women are so clever," he said, "why can't they pee straight?" There was a hush, a first stirring of awakening consciousness. "Say it loud and say it proud," he said, "men are better urinators!" It was a stunning: a truth that was startlingly obvious, yet inhibited by old fashioned notions of chivalry. But now that it had been spoken, there was a clap, a cheer, a mighty roar, sense of liberation. Men sprang to their feet and lifted the speaker shoulder high. "Ask not why we leave the seat up!" he shouted. "Ask rather why women leave the seat down!" Then in a unanimous gesture of solidarity, every man peed on the fire. Because they could.

Men Seeking Women Classified

"MEN SEEKING WOMEN" Classifieds CODE WORD (MEANING)

40-ish (52 and looking for 25-yr-old)

Affectionate (Needy and looking for mother-figure)

Artist (Delicate ego badly in need of massage)

Athletic (Sits on the couch and watches ESPN)

Average looking (Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back)

Distinguished-looking (Fat, grey, and bald)

Educated (Will always treat you like an idiot)

Employed (On management track at Radio Shack)

Financially Secure (I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of your mortal life)

Free Spirit (Sleeps with your sister)

Friendship first (As long as friendship involves nudity)

Fun (Good with a remote and a six pack)

Good looking (Arrogant bastard)

Honest (Pathological Liar)

Huggable (Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben)

ISO Slim, attractive female (Would be better off with a labrador retriever)

Light drinker (Headed for AA)

Like to cuddle (Insecure, overly dependent)

Like romantic walks on the beach (I read Cosmo and think this is what you want to hear)

Mature (Until you get to know him)

Open-minded (Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested)

Physically fit (I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself)

Poet (Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated)

Professional (Owns a white button down)

Reliable (Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours)

Self-employed (Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend)

Sensitive (Needy)

Smart (Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on TV")

Spiritual (Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter)

Stable (Occasional stalker, but never arrested)

Thoughtful (Says "Please" when demanding a beer)

Virile (Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out)

100 Reasons why its great to be a Guy

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. You know stuff about tanks.

4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5. Monday Night Football.

6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

8. You can open all your own jars.

9. Friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.

10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.

12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

13. All your orgasms are real.

14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.

16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny.

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19. Your last name stays put.

20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

22. You can kill your own food.

23. The garage is all yours.

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment".

26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

27. You never have to clean the toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.

34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

35. You don't have to shave below your neck.

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

37. You can be 34 and single, and nobody notices.

38. You can write your name in the snow.

39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

40. Everything on your face stays its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack.

42. You can be president.

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

44. Flowers fix everything.

45. You never have to worry about other peoples' feelings.

46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

51. Foreplay is optional.

52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut or not.

59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me."

60. The world is your urinal.

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64. One mood, all the time.

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too scuzzy.

67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

69. Same work....more pay.

70. Gray hair and wrinkles add desirability to your appearance.

71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72. Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100.

73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

74. With 400 million spermatozoa per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.

76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

77. The remote is yours and yours alone.

78. Nobody looks at your chest when you're talking to them.

79. ESPN's sports center.

80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

81. Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers.

82. You can have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84. You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.

86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "f*#k it, just f*#k it!"

88. If another guy shows up at a party wearing the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

89. You never have to read the instruction manual.

90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

98. Your buddies can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different about me?"

99. Baywatch

100. There is always a game on somewhere.

Planning an Out

Some things men can say when getting caught looking at another woman:

I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)
Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.
I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)
Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie - and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her
I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case
Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!
Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.
I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will camouflage your drool).
I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).
Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine)

Men - Politically Correct

He does not have a beer gut, He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet, He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is not stupid, He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He does not get lost all the time, He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding, He is in Follicle Regression.

He is not a cradle robber, He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk, He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not have his head up his ass, He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He is not short, He is Anatomically Compact.

He does not have a rich daddy, He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not constantly talk about cars, He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He does not have a hot body, He is Physically Combustible.

He is not unsophisticated, He is Socially Challenged.

He does not eat like a pig, He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He is not a bad dancer, He is Overly Caucasian.

He is not a sex machine, He is Romantically Automated.

He does not hog the blankets, He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a male chauvinist pig, He has Swine Empathy.

He does not undress you with his eyes, He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.

He is not afraid of commitment, He is Monogamously Challenged.

How to Drive Women Crazy

1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.

2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.

3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.

4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.

5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.

6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.

7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.

8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.

9. Never give her a straight answer.

10. Take up yodelling and practice a lot.

11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)

12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.

13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.

14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear."

(Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)

You Women Have it so Easy

This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.

1). Make the beds...... What a waste of effort, were only going to sleep in them again tonight. forget that
Scratch one.

2). Pick up dog poop in yard....... It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop ?
Scratch two.

3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners....... Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them.
Scratch three.
This is easy, whats the fuss. Think I'll go on AOL for awhile.

4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet....... Uhhhh thats a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed.
Scratch four.

5). Mop kitchen floor..... The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me.
Scratch five.
Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

6). Find something fun for the kids to do..... That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun.
Scratch six.
This is way to easy I'll have lots of time for AOL.

7). Vacuum the carpets...... Thats a hard one....... Hey kids wanna have some more FUN.
Scratch seven.

8). Feed kids lunch..... Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too?
YESSSS Scratch eight !!!!!!

9). Clean out hallway closet...... Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed.
Scratch nine.
Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishs !!!

10). Do laundry..... no problem I can do that while I'm on AOL.
Scratch ten.

11). Fold laundry..... dang. Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna has to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out a casmir barbie sweater, cool.
Scratch eleven.

12) Put the laundry away.... Baskets in bedrooms work for me.
Scratch twelve.
This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work ???

13). Water the Christmas tree... Oppp's good thing the carpet is absorbent.
Scratch thirteen.

14). Grocery shopping, Buy toliet paper....... These old news paper will do, besides thats recycling & thats good for the earth....
Scratch fourteen.

15). Pick up the kids ...... Yeah right; were talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be back.
Scratch fifteen.
Wonder who's on AOL, Awww I have plenty of time.

16). Make dinner..... Easy, Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow.
Scratch sixteen.

17). Clean out the dog house...... duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done.

Guide to the Male Vocabulary

1. "Haven't I seen you before?" "Nice ass."

2. "I'm a Romantic." "I'm poor."

3. "I need you" "My hand is oh so tired."

4. "I am different from all the other guys" "I am not circumcised."

5. "I want a commitment." "I'm sick of masturbation."

6. "You're the only girl I've ever cared about" "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

7. "I really want to get to know you better." "So I can tell my friends about it."

8. "It's just orange juice, try it." "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

9. "She's kinda cute." "I want to shag her till my dick drops off."

10. "I don't know if I like her" "She won't let me shag her "

11. "I miss you so much" "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good."

12. "Was it good for you?" "I'm insecure about my manhood."

13. "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" "Is my penis really that small?"

14. "I had a wonderful time last night." "Who the hell are you?"

15. "Do you love me?" "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

16. "Do you 'really' love me?" "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

17. "How much do you love me?" "I've done something really stupid and someone's on his way to tell you about it now."

18. "I have something to tell you." "Get tested."

19. "I'll give you a call." "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

20. "I've been thinking a lot." "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

21. "I think we should just be friends." "You're ugly."

22. "I've learned a lot from you." "Next!!!!"

Things Women Will Simply Never Understand

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it's annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they'll never understand...

1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version of just about everything.

Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use corkscrews that resemble off-shore drilling equipment is well documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like "professional" or "industrial strength", because inside every man is the germ of every profession he ever imagined himself one day excelling at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than childish wish fulfillment played out at a higher testosterone level. But occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with "operating theatre quality air". I kept him away from my surgical steel steak knives.

2. Why we are so bad at shopping.

We've never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets are like giant booby traps for males - which is why if you send a man out to but eggs, sugar and bread you should not be surprised if he returns home with a case of wine, a pair of jeans and a tree.

3. The reason why we don't like to discuss The Relationship.

Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that start with questions like "Are you really happy?" and "Where do you see us going?" A relationship is a delicate thing, like an antique clock, and we know what will happen if we start picking it apart. Often our reticence will result in a lengthy conversation about why we have trouble talking about The Relationship.

4. Why we think we can fix things.

Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a little patience. In reality, we're only half right. Men are extremely good at taking things apart: whether it's a dishwasher or an antique clock, a man can break it down to its most basic components in no time. Unfortunately, this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we're mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread all over newspaper on the kitchen table.

5. Men and video games.

Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at two in the morning all glassy eyed, she will usually take this as evidence of an affair - when it's more likely that a pirated copy of Streetfighter II is making the rounds at the office.

6. That sometimes we really are ill.

When men get ill, women are generally united in their belief that we are faking it. This is based on a tired old axiom stating that men will never fully understand the agony of childbirth so deserve no sympathy regarding matters of pain, fear or incapacitation. For the record, it should be noted that all men are in a constant state of feeling slightly under the weather just from being men. It's only a misplaced sense of machismo that forces us from our beds every day to go into work and then down to the pub for a couple of schooners of the only thing that ever makes us feel any better.

7. The way we watch television.

Men don't just watch the TV, they plug right in. Once we're on the right wavelength, we can watch almost anything, including commercials, with a slack-jawed intensity which probably drives you crazy. Unfortunately for women, men cannot achieve this higher state without a firm grasp on the remote.

8. Our sense of humor.

When women say that what they most want from a man is a sense of humor, they tend to mean something different from what we mean. Women never understand the comic genius of their mate who makes beer come out of his nose.

9. Why we're so boring.

Male conversation generally relies heavily on petty obsession, technical jargon, numbing detail and presumed expertise. Topics that women only feel the need to mention in passing become Test-Match length debates among men. True, some of us are able to combine a scintillating wit with a flair for story telling and a nose for gossip, but we tend to reserve these talents for conversations with women. Between ourselves, the drive to talk at length about tire pressure or "Star Trek" episodes is too alluring. Even if your local pool team boasted Socrates, Einstein and Oscar Wilde as members, you'd still probably have to discuss the fastest way to get to the freeway.

10. The male menopause.

Midlife crisis, the seven year itch, whatever you like to call it - women don't understand the seriousness of this condition, instead seeing it only as an excuse for a man to resign from his job, buy a Harley Davidson and start a relationship with a woman a third of his age. Like there has to be more to it than that.

IT'S WOMENS WORLD ....

2013-08-07T21:59:00.000+02:00

25 more things you will never here a women say

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

2. I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!

3. This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.

4. Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot

5. Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse

6. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again?

7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter Tracy.

8. You're my daddy, you're my daddy!

9. The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!

11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

12. Bar food again!? Kick ass.

13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your Ex girlfriend has class.

14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am, Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

15. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

16. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines day!

17. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

18. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

19. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

20. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!

21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.

22. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!

24. You are so much smarter than my father.

25. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.

Male Bashing

* MAKING UP FOR ALL THE BLONDE AND SORORITY JOKES... *

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken, and the ones that are left are handicapped

Jokes For Women Only

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
- When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

Why are men like commercials?
- You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like popcorn?
- They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men like blenders?
- You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
- Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
- Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
- Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
- Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
- When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
- They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
- Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
- His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?
- Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
- One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
- What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
- Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
- They're married.

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
- An insurance company.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
- So oxygen can get to their brains.

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
- A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
- Castrated.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
- Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.

Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat ass in a gym.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it is up put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

36. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

37. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

38. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

39. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

40. Anyone can buy condoms.

AND FINALLY,

41. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT MANS

2013-08-06T22:47:00.000+02:00

Dumb Men Jokes

1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. . . . . men will screw anything.

3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

5. What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

8. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the the neck up.

9. How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows . . . . . . It's never been done.

11. How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.

12. What is a man's idea of helping you with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

13. What is the difference between men and E.T.?
E.T. called home.

14. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

15. Do you know why there's a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain.

16. How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

17. How is a man like linoleum?
If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.

Why Some Men Prefer Dating Bimbo's

10. Much easier to prove that you're superior.

9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.

8. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera."

7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet--even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.

6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.

5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of 'the guys.'

4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and personality -- now please finish putting on that French maid outfit.

3. Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them.

2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe your definition of eight inches.

1. They will put up with you.

Tough Questions for Men

Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask men.

1 - "What are you thinking?"

2 - "Do you love me?"

3 - "Do I look fat?"

4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"

5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are
d - How much prettier she is than you
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."

Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."

Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.

"Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

"Yes" said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.

"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly.

"And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily.

"And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet.

"And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed..."

Stupid Men Jokes

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to mary virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1.No mind.
2.No business.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convienience stores and drive through windows.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird." The other man looked up and said, "where?"

Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swellin down.

WHO IS BETTER MANS OR WOMENS ???

2013-08-05T21:47:00.000+02:00

If Men were Pregnant

Maternity leave would last two years ... with full pay

There would be a cure for stretch marks

Natural childbirth would become obsolete

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained

Men would be eager to talk about commitment

They wouldn't think twins were so cute

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags

Patenity suits would be a fashion line of clothes

They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees

Women would rule the world

Women Shorts

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
________________________________________________________________

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
________________________________________________________________

Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
________________________________________________________________

Why do women have smaller feet than men ?
So they can stand closer to the sink
________________________________________________________________

How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
________________________________________________________________

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
___________________________________________________________________
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
________________________________________________________________

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
_______________________________________________________________

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
________________________________________________________________

One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
________________________________________________________________

What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
1.No mind.
2.No business.
________________________________________________________________

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
________________________________________________________________

Why do women like intelligent men?
Opposites attract.
________________________________________________________________

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent....

Wedding cake!!!

Men Bashing

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes oneliners?
So men can remember them.

Because I'm A Guy

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, underany circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either women or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilariousto have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

Just Once

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, once in the last five years."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex in the past five years; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at me."

Women's Advice to Men

-The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

-The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

-If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts.

-If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.

-Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

-Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.

-Please don't drive when you're not driving.

-Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

-Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.

-If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

-The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

-If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

-Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

-When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

-Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming.

-Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

-Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

-Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

-Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.

WE LOVE JOKES ABOUT MANS AND WOMANS

2013-08-04T20:25:00.000+02:00

Sorry folks few nice days,back with very nice post

How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Blow Job
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.
6. Use would you or will you instead of you'd better or do as I say and no one will get hurt.
7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.
OK, seven rules.

Man's Sex Life

It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified.

"Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me."

Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others,ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said yes he could.

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

Men's Rules

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

You Can't Send Women To The Hardware Store

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store....

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so hesent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelfwhile she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on acustomer.

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.Joe Bob replied, That's silver and it costs $100!

My goodness, that sure is a lotta money! Mary Louise exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her tobuy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it.

From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, Mary Louise, you wanna screw forthat hinge?

To which Mary Louise replied, No, but I will for the teapot.

The Top 13 Things Overheard at the Women-Running-the-World Conference

13> "Israel agrees to the Palestinian proposal under one condition: We simply *must* have that hummus recipe! It's divine!"

12> "She may think her pyramids are holding up like they used to, but 'denial' ain't just a river in... well, you know."

11> "Hey! How'd that guy get in here? Oops! Sorry, Bulgaria."

10> "Well *of course* the United States says it will still respect you in the morning."

9> "Who does Iraq think she's kidding? Those WMDs are *so* fake."

8> "Bosnia, honey, drop the 'Herzegovina.' Hyphenated names are *soooo* 1995!"

7> "Can I borrow a nationful of oil?"

6> "No, they weren't an imminent threat. We declared war on them because their president was wearing the same dress I had on at the G-8 Summit."

5> "Listen Miss 'I'm-the-Only-Remaining-Superpower,' just remember that we knew you back when you were a lowly Brit stepchild with buck teeth."

4> "Would someone please get a bicycle for my fish?"

3> "All right, Arabs? Jews? Over here! We're all going to sit down with Dr. Phil and work this thing out!"

2> "By a unanimous vote, the 'Share the Pain' measure to stretch male anuses to 10 cm during childbirth is hereby passed."

1> "These summits are all the same: Solve the world's problems before lunch, then spend the rest of the day trying to divide the check."

Language Differences

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish	49
Adventurous	Slept with everyone
Athletic	No tits
Average looking	Ugly
Beautiful	Pathological liar
Contagious Smile	Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure	On medication
Feminist	Fat
Free spirit	Junkie
Friendship first	Former slut
Fun	Annoying
New-Age	Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned	No BJs
Open-minded	Desperate
Outgoing	Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate	Sloppy drunk
Professional	Bitch
Voluptuous	Very Fat
Large frame	Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate	Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you!
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you!
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you!
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you!
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay!

The Top 16 Things That Can Get a Gal Banned From the Women's Union

16> "Okay, I admit it: More than six cats may be a bit excessive."

15> You've had the faces of Moe and Larry tattooed on each breast -- and if a guy asks nicely, you'll show him where Curly resides.

14> You regularly clean your ears out with a screwdriver.

13> You put out a nice gingham tablecloth, then gut a freshly killed deer on it.

12> Although you'd never do the old pull-my-finger gag, you love to play "squeeze my boob" with similar sound effects.

11> Purchasing any greeting card featuring a chimp and a bikini.

10> The whoopee cushion seemed like a good idea when you brought it into the meeting.

9> You're already planning on lining up for tickets to the "Matrix" sequel.

8> Instead of brushing your teeth on a Saturday morning, you use leftover beer as a mouthwash.

7> Proposing that you take over as local precinct leader, then wussing out on the requisite knife fight to the death on the union hall roof.

6> "Whoa! How about a courtesy flush over there, Diane?!?"

5> You delay the decision to take your mom off life support until after the World Series.

4> "Doing your nails" requires an air compressor and a power sander.

3> Neglecting to pass on e-mails that are clearly marked: "Cute!! LOL!! Pass this on!"

2> The stack of "Maxim" magazines piled on your toilet tank is paperweighted by a tub of petroleum jelly.

1> You loudly proclaim that if "Dumb and Dumber" isn't the best movie of all time, you'll give up chewing tobacco.

Types of men...

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but..."
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

Types of women...

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

What Gender Are They?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female ! .... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

The Top 10 Tips for Temporary Bachelors

When Mom and the kids go off for a few days and leave Dad behind to struggle on his own, it can be a painful thing for him to deal with. With that in mind, we thought we'd offer some help...

10> Don't use the guest towels to mop up after your 36-hour porn-a-thon.

9> It's not worth the water conserved to shower with the dirty dishes.

8> Scrape frost from freezer for instant shaved-ice party drinks.

7> Don't rebuild your transmission in the dining room; use the bathroom.

6> Maintain a healthy diet; make sure your hefeweizen has a lemon slice.

5> Socks first, *then* shoes.

4> Jim Crow still rules the laundry room: separate the whites from the coloreds.

3> Despite the efficiency potential, Dawn and Ragu cannot be combined to make "self-cleaning spaghetti."

2> Never wash the youngest's clothes, because there is no one to hand them down to after you shrink them.

1> Check your wife's underwear drawer; if it's empty, she's not coming back.

This Is Why Women Don't Work For the CIA

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists
... two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!

"The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your Wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

Men are Like...

Men are like ....... Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ........ Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ........ Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ........ Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.

Men are like ........ Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ........ Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ........ Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ........ Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

The Top 15 Euphemisms for "Getting Your Period"

15> Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara

14> Trolling for Vampires

13> A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy

12> Saddling Old Rusty

11> Feelin' Menstru-riffic!

10> Clean-Up in Aisle One

9> Massacre at the Y

8> T-Minus 9 Months and Holding

7> Game Day for the Crimson Tide

6> Panty Shields Up, Captain!

5> Taking Carrie to the Prom

4> Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band

3> Ordering l'Omelette Rouge

2> Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp

1> Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System

Haircuts -- The difference between men and women

Women's version:
---------------------------
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

New Courses for Men

Class size is limited to 10 as course material may prove difficult.

Agenda
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. P.M.S. Learning To Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How To Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas - Give Us $$$$$
6. Understanding The Female Responses To Your Coming In Drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques - (Formally Called "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
9. You - The Weaker Sex
10. Reasons To Give Flowers
11. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom
12. How To Stay Awake After Sex
13. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
14. Sex 101 - You Can Fall Asleep Without It, If You Really Try Sex 102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's "Awake", Take A Cold Shower
15. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
16. How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
17. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate And Not Get Lost
18. The Remote Control - Overcome Your Dependency
19. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
20. How Not To Get Younger Than Your Children
21. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
22. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked
23. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
24. The Attainable Goal - Omitting @#$% From Your Vocabulary
25. Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
26. Real Men Ask For Directions

A COPY OF THE ABOVE ENDED UP IN OUR LOCAL SHERIFF'S HANDS SO HE DECIDED TO HELP UPDATE THESE COURSES....

While I certainly can't dispute some of the coursework you've listed in such a cavalier fashion, you forgot to show some of the classes that males take great pride in.

They are:

1. Eating Straight Out of the Can . . . an environmentalist approach
2. Flatulence As An Art Form
3. If It's There, Why Can't I Touch It? The key to understanding women
4. Duct Tape - 101
5. Duct Tape - Advanced - The Magic Silver Strip
6. It's Mine...I Can Scratch It...Assertiveness training
7. Cooking for Fun and Sex
8. Beer Gargling ... Prerequisite is Chemistry 101
9. How To Make Your Woman Really Hot (blow your nose on her curtains)
10. Cussing to Make Your Point (Sub. for Speech 101, Asshole)
11. Cooties - How to Check Girls for Them
12. How To Order at a Fancy Restaurant
13. How To Slip Out Without Paying At A Fancy Restaurant
14. How To Have Great Sex
15. How To Have Great Sex With A Partner

(Advanced Only) Dr.Suite, CEO of the PyBRUs Chapter "Men can be amusing, really" offers courses for women who want to better understand their men. Courses are limited to 50 per class (this curriculum is usually easily assimilated by the female gender).

The Male Prime Directives

* On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you're lost... Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost Street of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of your pants like the great Lewis and Clark explorers of old.

* But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy: because he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the third time.

* Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both sides.: It's all about who's out in front.

* Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit you're a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics.... If your car won't run and you're at a loss for words, try "Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked the compression?"

* A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something as simple as programming his new VCR: but to cook something as simple as oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical engineer.

* Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular sport, especially if it's during the finals.... "Yeah, that Bo, he's really something. WOW!, did you see that hook shot!."

* Never admit you don't understand a political issue....Opinions are like whiskers. You're not an adult male without them.

* There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there's a remote control handy: Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.

* If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel.: It's unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet.

* Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like "Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or "Who is that awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once she meets me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that this means you value his friendship.

* A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should be able to outplay her in many activity, from Ping-Pong to chess: Having met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned about such things.

* When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when you're finished: but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if you were preparing for brain surgery.

* Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys: That's between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.

* Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears.: That' s like saying, "How do you like my suit of armor" It's only got two weak spots in it -- here and here."

* Every guy should be hip about guns.: Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a gun before, he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.

* When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie department .: Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.

Men's Guide to Women's Language

So all you men know how to understand what women are saying!

********* Men's guide to a Woman's language **********

She says English --------- --------

You want You want

We need I want

It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want You'll pay for this later

We need to talk I need to complain

Sure...go ahead I don't want you to.

I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron

You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period overreacting!

Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house. I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...

Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like..

I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]

Yes No

No No

Maybe No

I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.

I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

******** In answer to the question "What's wrong?" **********

The same old thing. Nothing.

Nothing. Everything.

Everything. My PMS is acting up.

Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an jerk.

I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.

Words from Women

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. --- Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. --- Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. --- Rita Rudner

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. --- Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. --- Rita Rudner

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. --- Susie Loucks

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" --- Judy Tenuta

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. -- Carol Leifer

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. --- Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. --- Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men woeld be wearing them. --- Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. --- Roseanne

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. --- Sue Kolinsky

I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. --- Dolly Parton

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? --- Wendy Liebman

"I think - therefore I'm single." --- Lizz Winstead

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher

"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." --- Margaret Atwood

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --- Marie Corelli

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Zsa Gabor

The Top 16 Things That Can Get a Guy Banned From the Men's Union

16> You catch yourself thinking, "You know, what this bed needs is a few more pillows."

15> "What do you think: a Zima or a white zinfandel?"

14> You rhapsodize about taking that chick with the great rack home from the bar for a long night of sweet cuddling and General Foods International Coffee.

13> You not only know the difference between a puff pastry and a cream puff, but your choux paste swan took first place at the county fair.

12> "Ewww, gross! Two women kissing!"

11> "You know, take away the steroids and over-the-top sideshow atmosphere from pro wrestling and it's just like ballet!"

10> Your new Martha Burke signature putter.

9> Not only can you identify Sarah Hughes and Tara Lipinski, you can articulate the logic behind the "artistic impression" scores in figure skating.

8> You turn down playoff tickets so you can watch Cher's farewell concert on TV.

7> You complain that the "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" movie was not true to the book.

6> Sure, it's the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl and you've had a lot to drink, but you can't resist commenting on how those uniforms would look a lot neater if only they'd been finished with an overedge chain rather than a two-thread lock stitch.

5> Your "Bridges of Madison County" lunch box.

4> You not only sing show tunes at karaoke, you employ full choreography.

3> You ask your barber to give you a "Richard Simmons."

2> When the guys put you in charge of "entertainment" for the bachelor party in Vegas, you buy tickets to see Celine Dion.

1> "No oral sex for me tonight, honey -- I don't feel very fresh down there."

IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT GOOD LAWYER

2013-08-01T21:29:00.000+02:00

NO LAWYERS

In Bakersfield, California, developers of the Fairway Oaks community
designed their dream homes to have 5 bedrooms, a Jacuzzi, a backyard largeenough for an in-ground pool, and NO LAWYERS! This made attorney Tim Liebaert so angry - he's suing. "I was very mad," said Liebaert, after learning that his application for a new Fairway Oaks home had been rejected because of his profession.

Lawyer and a Doctor (Impaired of Hearing)

A lawyer and a doctor (both impaired of hearing) were riding a bus in New York, and here's an excerpt of the conversation they were having:

L: So you mentioned that you sue people all the time?
D: Yes, sewing is part of my job.
L: In that case I can give you my card, I could be useful to you.
D: Sorry we do only livers.
L: But I am alive, dont you think I qualify?
D: But you look fine to me, and I don't see a reason to cut you?
L: Well, I could sue you for saying that. I am kind of sensitive.
D: Where did you learn that, I thought you spend most of your time in
court?
L: That's what they teach us to do in court.
D: So do you have a nurse to assist you?
L: Actually the nerds taught us a lot back in school.
D: I think I really learned something today. My station has arrived, I will
see you again.
L: Perhaps we should switch our jobs, from what I learned today.
D: Didn't I tell you before that we stitch only livers.
L: Do you mean I am dead? Look I am really losing my patience.
D: You are deaf too, well I think then we are friends.

How About That

Two law partners were walking down the street one day and agreed that thefirst one to die would come back and help the other from beyond. As it turned out, the older of the two did in fact die a couple of weeks later and that left the younger lawyer all alone and very discouraged. He waited and waited and his partner never showed any signs of contacting him. Then, after about two months, a friend suggested he go visit a clairvoyant and maybe receive the help he needed. The younger lawyer summoned up as much courage as he could and found the address. After walking down a seemingly never ending set of steps and rapping the brass knocker a couple of times,
the door opened and through a screen of dangling beads, he saw a little old lady sitting at a table with a crystal ball in front of her. "Can you help me please?" he said. "My partner just recently died and I would very much like to get in contact with him." To which the woman responded, "for 50 dollars you can talk to your partner, but he won't be able to talk to you. For 100 dollars, he will be able to talk to you, but not you to him. And for 200 dollars, you will both be able to talk to each other while I'm drinking a glass of water."

Some stories from the american court of Justice

Lawyer asks question to witness
Q:What happened then?
A:He said "I will kill you, because you may identify me" to me
Q:Did he kill you?
***************************************
Q:Do you have a child or something like that?
A:oh yes.I have one monkey.
***************************************
Q:I show you the third evidence and ask you if you recognize
this picture
A:yes its my picture
Q:were you there while this photo taken?
A:Nooo! I was in Guatemela's independence day festivals
****************************************
Q:Now Mrs. Johnson, How was your first marriage ended?
A:Because of death
Q:For whose because of death
A:because of Guatemela's president death
****************************************
Q:Then you were not there until you return there, is it?
A:yeah, I was here, there in somewhere

Bill of Rights

Two Lawyers are arguing in court one day, and finally, the judge
calls for order. Attorney Smith speaks up and says, "Your honor,
I objected because it's obvious that attourney Jones has never
even heard of the Bill of Rights."

"Oh yeah, Smith? It just so happens I know The Bill of Rights by
heart, word for word!"

"OK then, tell me the first few words, if your so smart.",
replied Smith

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the---"

"Damn you! I didn't think you'd know it.

Lawyer and a Plumber

Submitted by stephanie l gregory on Sun, the 5th of January, 2003, 6:01 am

A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber. The plumber
arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a
while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaimed, "This
is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!" The plumber
calmly replied, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."

Charity contribution

An attorney was asked to make a contribution to a worthwhile
charity. His response was, "I guess you hadn't heard, my mother
is suffering from a terminal illness and she has medical bills
which far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled combat
veteran. He is not only blind, but is in a wheelchair and he has
to take ten different medicines a day. My sister is an only
parent of three children since her husband died without life
insurance. She has no college and scrubs floors for a living
while moonlighting by taking in ironing. My wife is in a mental
ward, and may never get out. My only child is in a drug
rehabilitation program, but he left and no one can find him."

Before he could get his breath and continue on, the fund raiser
thought it wisest to end this and let the poor man alone. "You
are correct, sir. I had no idea of your problems. Of course we
can't expect you to make a contribution with so many demands
already on your income."

The attorney nods and replies, "Exactly. Why should I contribute
to your organization when I don't even give to my own family?"

Laywer Joke

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly,
he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're
doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice
while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't
see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Lawyer the Hunting Dog

There was a man who loved to go pheasant hunting in the fall of
year and read an advertisement of a dog trainer that rented out
"the world's best bird dogs." He decided to try one of these
dogs since he had never had any luck with the hunting dog he
already owned. He went to the dog trainer and asked, "I read
your ad and would like to rent one of your dogs to hunt
pheasants for the day. I would like the best dog in your kennel."

The dog trainer replied, "Well, then you would want Lawyer. He
has a great nose and always scares up dozens of pheasants. He
rents for $50 per day."

"Great!" the hunter replied.

The hunter paid the fee and took Lawyer out to a field and sure
enough, he flushed out one bird after another and by the end of
the day the man had shot his limit of pheasants.

The next year the man knew he had to go back to this same kennel
and rent Lawyer. However, upon arriving the dog trainer told the
hunter that Lawyer now rented for $100 a day. "Why is that?" the
hunter asked.

"Well, Lawyer is even better this year. Take him out and you'll
see."

The hunter felt it was worth the $100 if the dog was better than
the last year and so he paid the fee and went out to a field and
sure enough, Lawyer flushed out so many pheasants that the
hunter had shot his limit before lunch time.

The next year the man returned to rent Lawyer for the day but
was surprised to discover that the dog now rented for $500 a
day. The dog trainer said, "He's expensive because he is in such
high demand. Everybody wants Lawyer. And why not? He's an even
better bird dog than last year."

Once again the hunter felt it was worth the price and so he paid
the $500 and went out to a field. Lawyer was fantastic and the
hunter shot his limit of pheasant within an hour.

The next year the hunter returned to rent Lawyer. "How much this
year?" he said.

"$5," the dog trainer replied.

"$5?" the hunter exclaimed. What do you mean $5? The first year
you charged $50, the second year $100 and last year $500? What
happened that Lawyer is suddenly so cheap?"

The dog trainer responded, "A couple of weeks ago a couple of
guys came in and rented Lawyer and took him out to hunt
pheasants but in the process they mistakenly called him
Judge....and now all he does is sit on his butt and bark!"

Heaven or Hell?

There once was a lawyer who lived her whole life without ever
taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact,
she made sure that every case she did resulted in a win-win
situation.

One day, while walking down the street, she was tragically hit
by a bus, and she died. Her soul arrived up in Heaven, where she
was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to
Heaven," said St. Peter, "Before you get settled in, though it,
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never
once had a lawyer make it this far and we're not really sure
what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the lawyer.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going
to do is to let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and
then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity
in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in
Heaven."

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that, St. Peter put the
lawyer in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The
doors opened and the lawyer found herself stepping out onto the
putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a
country club and standing in front of her were all her
friends--fellow lawyers that she had worked with and they were
all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club, where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster
dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy,
and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The lawyer
was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time
to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got
on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly
Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time
to spend a day in Heaven." So the lawyer spent the next 24 hours
lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up
and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in Hell
and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your
eternity."

The lawyer paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and
all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the lawyer
went down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the
elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate
wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were
dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it
in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the lawyer, "yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate
lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is
a wasteland of garbage, and all my friends look miserable." The
Devil looked at her and smiled, "That's because yesterday we
were recruiting you, but today you're staff."

The Old Man's Dying Wish

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his
lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you
told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you
want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his
bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear
that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and
said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law
degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he struggled to breathe his last breath, the old
man said, "One... less... lawyer..."

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me
how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure
how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it
and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he
knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he
was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about
it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I
miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Which Heart?

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see
what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart
transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were
any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no
object.

"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an
18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great
diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's
$100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old,
great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's
$150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a
steak lover. It's $500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"

"Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."

Talk like a lawyer

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students,
"If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to
you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim
and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice,
pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite,
cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and
without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or
hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or
kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

When Do You Need a New Lawyer?

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five
each other.

4. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

5. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

6. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."

7. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla vs. Mothra.

8. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one
with the little hammer, right?"

9. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little
quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

10. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge,
"Whatever."

LETS SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING ON FARM

2013-07-30T23:21:00.000+02:00

Blonde Counting Sheep

Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I'll let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep." The farmer exclaims, "Wow -- you're exactly right. I guess blondes really aren't dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep."

The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. "Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one." "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the farmer says, "Ma'am, that's my dog."

Chores on the Farm

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"

"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

Cock O' The Walk

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young cock from the market and puts it in the pen with the old cock and the hens...

Old Cock: Welcome to the farm. We'll work together towards productivity. Young Cock: What tya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old Cock: Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young Cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old Cock: In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let me have one hen. If I lose you have them all.
Young Cock: Okay. What kind of competition?
Old Cock: 50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 yards. Young Cock: No problem! We race tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young Cock allows the Old Cock to start off and when the Old Cock crosses the 10-yard mark, the young cock chases him with all his might. He was right behind the old cock in a matter of seconds and -- BANG! Before he can overtake the old cock, he is shot dead by the farmer, who sighs and says, "Damn. That's the fifth gay chicken I bought this week."

Farm Fugitives

A Welshman an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.

Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said...''Meow''.
"Just cats," he thought.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said....''woof''.
"Just dogs," he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said.....''potatoes!''

Farmer and the Cow

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

Pa Won't Like It

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."

Rooster in His Declining Years

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird.

"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Roy the Rooster

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.
The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"
Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

Rush Limbaugh's Chauffeur

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

Salesman: A New One, Really

A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. He gets out and tries to find something close by -- and comes upon a farm. Not believing his luck, he knocks on the door, and a farmer answers.

"Sir," says the salesman. "Could you help me? My car's broken down, and I need a place to stay for the night."
"Sure," says the farmer. "But I only have one bed, and my very, very ugly daughter sleeps there."
"Oh, crap," says the salesman. "I'm in the wrong joke."

Shoot The Pig

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in thebull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling — what should I do?''

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"

Some Things You Just CAN'T

One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the bartender for the strongest thing in the bar.

"What's wrong, fella?" asked the bartender.
''Some things you just can't explain."
''Try me.''
"Okay. I was milking my cow this morning and I filled the bucket clear to the top. Then the dumb cow knocked it down with her left leg, so I grabbed some string and ties her left leg up. Then I milked her again and the stupid cow knocked it down with her right leg. So I grabbed some string and tied up her right leg. I then milked her again and the cow knocked it down with her tail. But this time I was out of string, so I decided to use my belt, so I tied it up with my belt. Just then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.''
"You're right," said the bartender. "Some things you just can't explain."

Strangers on a Train

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don't know."

WE LOVE TECHNOLOGY ….

2013-07-29T22:28:00.000+02:00

Husbands' Performance

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.''

The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''
The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.''

Nerd Sayings Galore

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
10. <--- The information went data way --->
11. Best file compression around: ''''DEL *.*'''' = 100% compression.
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding.
14. The name is Baud, James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
17. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner!
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19. Why doesn''''t DOS ever say ''''EXCELLENT command or filename!''''
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y''''all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don'''' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny.
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer''''s attention span is as long as it''''s power cord.
31. 11th commandment-Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor''''s Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as dating formation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
36. Who''''s General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Go ahead, make my data!
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I''''m modeming... and I can''''t hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. ''''640K ought to be enough for anybody.'''' - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
54. Press any key...... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
55. Press – ~~continue…~~

Nerd Season

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over.

On aproaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS.
He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. “Are you a nerd?” the bartender asks. “No, I'm a truck driver,” he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.
While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. “What the hell did you do that for!?” asks the trucker. “Well,” the bartender answers, “It's nerd season.”
“Nerd season?” asks the trucker, confused.
"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season.” So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.
While he drives the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's to hard. His tractor trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.
While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, “STOP! STOP!”
“What?” the trucker asks, confused, “I thought it was nerd season?”
“Well yeah,” the officer answers, “but you can't bait 'em!”

Programmer Lines for When their Programs Fail

20) "That's weird..."
19) "It's never done that before."
18) "It worked yesterday."
17) "How is that possible?"
16) "It must be a hardware problem."
15) "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14) "There is something funky in your data."
13) "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12) "You must have the wrong version."
11) "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10) "I can't test everything!"
9) "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8) "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
7) "Somebody must have changed my code."
6) "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5) "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4) "You can't use that version on your system."
3) "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2) "Where were you when the program blew up?"
1) "It works on my machine."

Signs You Picked the Wrong ISP

10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
7. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence.
5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, e-mail, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."
2. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
1. They charge by the word.

Some Character

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
The Christian Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

Tech Glossary

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

The Three Horses of the Apocalypse

The world is going to end in three days, so God calls the three most important leaders on the planet to help him break the news to the masses: Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Jean Creitian.

Bill Clinton goes back to America and tells Congress and the Senate that he has bad news and good news. The bad news is the world is going to end in three days, the good news is that they can finally stop all those investigations of him.
Bill Gates goes back to Seattle and tells Microsoft that he has bad news and good news. The bad news is that the world will end in three days. The good news is that there won't be a follow up to Windows 98.
Jean Creitian goes back to Canada and says he has good news, really good news and amazingly good news: "The good news god thinks I am a world leader, the really good news is that all those problems with the budget won't exist in three days and the amazingly good news is that I won't have to put up with that annoying little twit Preston Manning any more."

Windows 666

Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill Gates tells God that he would like to see both before making a decision.

So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell."
Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that," says God. "That was just the demo."

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR COMPUTER, BELOW SOME SUGGESTIONS

2013-07-28T22:30:00.000+02:00

Computer Gender

Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.
Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75 miles away.
Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards them to the authorities.
Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for information.
Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right.
Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated data. Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results.
Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear to really do much of anything.
Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.
Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.
Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it.
David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.
Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.
X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.
Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

From the WordPerfect Help Desk

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Girlfriend 1.0 -> Wife 1.0

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the productbrochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0. - A 'Don't remind me again' button - Minimize button - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks - all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *************** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have beenknown to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

MORE JOKES WITH ANIMALS

2013-07-27T22:57:00.000+02:00

Gator Bite

A guy walked into a barwith a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to theastonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and placemy genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In returnfor witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, droppedhis trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed hismouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped thealligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathedas promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The manstood up again and made another offer.

''I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hushfell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try,'' said a small woman, ''but you have to promise notto hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Get Away From my Deer!

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

Golfer Goes to the Emergency Room

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

Goose Hunting

So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese. He catches one and puts it in his bag with the other geese. Just as he closes the bag, a Hunting Inspector walks up.

"Sir, can I please see that bag?" he asks. "Sure," says the hunter and hands the bag over.
The Inspector looks through the bag, pulls out one goose, and sticks his finger up its ass. He pulls it out, smells it and says, "This here's a Virginia goose, do you have a Virginia Hunting License?"
The hunter looks through his wallet and pulls out it and shows it to the inspector. The inspector nods and sticks his hand in the bag and pulls out another goose.
He sticks his finger up it's ass and says, "This here's a Maine goose, do you have a Maine Hunting License?"
The hunter looks again through his wallet, pulls out the card, and shows it to the inspector. He nods again, and pulls out the last goose. He does the routine and says, "This here is a Rhode Island goose, do you have a Rhode Island Hunting License?"
The hunter fishes through his wallet, shows the card to the inspector and puts it back in.
"Boy," you having all these licenses, where you from?" asks the Inspector.
The hunter pulls down his pants and asks, "Why don't you find out?"

Gorilla Chase!

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it."
Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.
In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the gorilla!
This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand and said, "Tag! You're it!"

Got Any Grapes?

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartender says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

How To Bathe A Cat

I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

II.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect toomuch.)
IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relaxenough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better

Mighty Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

Nerd Season

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over.

Not Going To Try This Again

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

ANIMALS TODAY

2013-07-26T22:45:00.000+02:00

Bull Grapevine

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't giving' him any of mine.
Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm KEEPING' ALL MY COWS.
Third Bull: I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so Isimply MUST keep all MY cows.
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.
Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument.
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.
Third Bull: Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull.

Bullfight Buffet

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish.

The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.
The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"
And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"

Cat in the Way

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. Shetold them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammedthe door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact,bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the dooragain with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude youngpeople were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that wouldteach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you needto move your cat."

Cat On A Hot Tin Roof

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."

Chicken Wire & Duct Tape

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatchagot there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, what cha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

Chores on the Farm

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"

Comfortable

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."

Fairy Tale For Our Times

A Fairy Tale for the Woman of the New Millennium:

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.The frog hopped into the Princess' lap.

"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am! Then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself.
"I don't f-ing think so."

Farmer Joe and his Mule

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

Football Animals

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly,
"Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.
"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

Football Fan To The Rescue

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".

Four Men and Their Dogs

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."
T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."
Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

FUNNY WORLD

2013-07-25T23:21:00.000+02:00

Top Ten... Sleeping at Desk

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.''

9) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.''

8) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!''

7) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.''

6) ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''

5) ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''

4) ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.''

3) ''The coffee machine is broken...''

2) ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''

1) ''.....in Jesus' name, Amen.''

Uncle Ted's Morals

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''
Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

Watch and Learn

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

A Real Watch Dog

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"
The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

American in Mexico

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'

The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."

Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my …?"

FUNNY MIXED JOKES

2013-07-24T23:24:00.000+02:00

The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”
“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked.

The Smartest Dog Ever

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

The Unconcerned Widow

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. He constantly told his wife in front of all the people in the town: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

The neighbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was quite feared and enjoyed it very much.
Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and there was a closed-casket funeral. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The wife put down her drink, smiled and said, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"

They're Busy

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.

"May I speak to your parents?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"
"Looking for me."

Things I've Learned from My Children

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Three Explorers Are Captured...

A Frenchman, an Englishmanand a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says,"The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and thenuse your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how youdie."

The Frenchman says, "Itake ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive laFrance!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says,"A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at hishead, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says,"Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. TheNew Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, thechest, everywhere.

There's blood gushing outall over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are youdoing???"

The New Yorker looks at thechief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"

Tickle These, Elmo

A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory.

The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

Top Ten Reasons For Being English

1. Two World Wars and one World Cup
2. Proper beer
3. You can confuse everyone with the rules for cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously
5. Union Jack Underpants
6. You can live in the past and imagine that you're still a world power
7. You can bathe once a week whether you need to or not
8. You can change your underwear once a week whether you need to or not
9. Beats being Scottish
10. Beats being Welsh

Top Ten Surreal, Scary, or Stupid Situations

1. Remake of "Roots" starring Michael Jackson

2. Performance of "The Nutcracker" by the Bolshoi Ballet with special guest Hillary Clinton

3. The Martha Stewart WWF Smackdown

4. Any sitcom starring Emeril Lagasse

5. Jerry Falwell napping with a Teletubby stuffed toy

6. Any day in the life of the British royalty

7. Ricky Martin in a tasteful, hot pink, off-the-shoulder number

8. Bill Gates on a Harley Davidson

9. Yet another commercial starring Carrot Top

10. Osama bin Laden in a Christian Science bookstore

Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''

MIXED JOKES TODAY

2013-07-23T23:02:00.000+02:00

The Golden Toilet

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one," said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!''

So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, ''This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can't find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.

A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. ''Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don't believe me!'' ''So YOU'RE the guy!'' The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ''HONEY!?!...HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!'''

The Living Statues

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

The Lord Will Provide

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."

The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."

The Marine Shares a Room

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

The Poopie List

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie- The kind where you pooped it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Dog Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.
The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

The Programmer and the Princess

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?” The programmer said, “Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.”

The Proxy Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''
''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
''Yes,'' the photographer said.
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''