Funny Strange is Lori Culwell's blog.

Stop It, You Real Estate Sweet Talker!

lmculwell@gmail.com (Stephan Cox/ Lori Culwell) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 02:08:59 PDT

I don't know if you know this about me, but I like buying real estate. I like it so much, in fact, that in addition to the place where we live in L.A. (about to become a rental, in case you know anyone!), we also have property in other places like Austin and Dallas and some other places. I say this only to preface the fact that I get a number of different email listings for houses in various areas of the country, and lately I have noticed, shall we say, a tone change?

It's like real estate people have given up, y'all. They're not even doing that thing where they're like "it's charming and cozy." Now they're just saying "small," like "it's small, ok? Buy it or don't. It's already marked down 40%." This is especially true of the bank-owned properties. The banks now have so many of these, they're cataloging them like dogs at the death-row pound. "This one is beige, and it seems like he's fine. Take him or don't-- it's all the same to us."

I got this stunning example of a "we don't care anymore" real estate description in my inbox just today. Please note that this was attached to the listing INSTEAD of the description. You can almost hear the dejected sigh of the bank representative as you read it:

Additional Features:

Cooling: No Cooling
Family Room: No Family Room
Fireplace Description: Wood Burning
Formal Dining Room: Separate Dining Room
Foundation: Slab
Garage/Parking: No Garage
Pool: No Pool
Heating: No Heating
InFormal Dining Room: No Informal Dining Area
Levels: 1
Age: 65

Sale Includes: Microwave Oven
Roofing: Tile
Sewer/Septic System: No Sewer or Septic
Shower: 2 or More Stall Showers
Water Sources: Other Water
Year Built: 1944

Wow, sign me up! This one is almost as appealing as the "house with roots growing through the foundation" that I found on the MLS a few years ago, or (even better) the "house that is small and dank, needs work, and has a squatter" that was on a hand-written list I got from a sad realtor in a mountain town that I will not name.

I'm just saying, even though prices are way down and the market is all downtrodden, I would still like a nice description, even if it's just a real-estate snowjob. Wouldn't you?

Hey, did you want to try Netflix? How about while you're already using Netflix?

lmculwell@gmail.com (Stephan Cox/ Lori Culwell) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 00:55:54 PDT

Last night I was putting Netflix in my Netflix queue when.....a Netflix pop-up ad popped up. I don't even think I need to explain all the subtle layers of funny we're dealing with here, folks. I will say, though, that someone somewhere in an "online ad buying agency" is in big trouble, because this is a super big waste of advertising spend for the year.

On the other hand, I AM the target market for a Netflix free trial pop-up ad, so maybe it's not so wrong after all.

Just kidding. It's totally wrong. First of all, a site you're already using should NEVER pop-up an advertisement. Are they kidding me? I'm paying to use their product, which pretty much makes me off-limits to ads at that moment. The only way I should see an ad in conjunction with Netflix is MAYBE if I get an affiliate-style email, offering me a deal on something ELSE I might use, like a deal on something on Amazon or Gilt.com (depending on how much demographic profiling they'd done for push-marketing purposes). Secondly, I'm sorry, but aren't we done with pop-up ads yet? They're annoying, historically they don't have a high conversion rate, and every once in awhile, just maybe, THEY'LL POP UP ADS FOR THEIR OWN PRODUCTS.

Pop up ad = fail.

This is the kind of thing you can learn in my UCLA class, where this week we are discussing user scenarios and target markets. Fun! Or, you could buy the book that talks about this. Only if you wanted to.

A Random Dance Your Ass Off Analysis, Just for Fun.

lmculwell@gmail.com (Stephan Cox/ Lori Culwell) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 08:46:00 PDT

I find "Dance Your Ass Off" at once fascinating and exploitative. Let's discuss.

I've never actually watched a dance competition show before, nor have I ever seen the Biggest Loser. I started watching this show by accident, but it turned out to be really compelling, so I'm going to watch it this season to see how it is. With all of those caveats, I want to comment on several aspects of this show that I think are weird but that might be a normal part of shows like these. You'll have to let me know.

On the one hand, and I think you'll have to agree with me on this: some of those contestants are AWESOME dancers, man. I think it's great that they have the guts to get up on that stage and dance some really hard choreography. Some of them are professional dancers who have just gained weight for whatever reason, and you can just really tell that they're happy to be doing it again. I am happy that they have a venue that can show off their considerable talents, because you know in this weight-obsessed culture (and especially the entertainment industry), they would never have been given that chance. I'm serious-- I bet at least one of them gets a job as a professional dancer (like on a tour) based just on this show. Some of them are just that good.

I think the problem I have with this show is their method of production, which seems to be hell-bent on exploiting these people, even though they are already doing something so hard. The first example of this is the skin-tight outfits that are so obviously designed to accentuate the contestant's physical flaws so that you never forget for one minute "This is a fat person dancing!". This bugs me, because like I said, some of the contestants are damned talented dancers-- WAY better than I could ever be, and I'm thin. So, why take me out of the enjoyment of just watching them be kick-ass dancers by putting them in an outfit that is designed to be unflattering and to call my attention back to the fat? It just seems mean, and like overkill to me. I feel like, for once just let them do what they're good at, man. They're trying, ok? Why the see-through spandex?

The second problem I have with this show is also related to production value. I know that times are tough and that this is the first season of this show, but the people they have singing the pop songs (like the rendition of "My Humps" in this clip, but let's be honest, this song already makes me want to hit) are just not that good, and they are trying to sound like the actual artists, but they are just different enough to again, distract you from the awesome dancing and make you go "Is that Fergie? I don't think that's Fergie...". I'm sure this convention was chosen because it's cheaper to license the rights to the lyrics rather than the actual songs, but there must be a way to do it better, like to just show the singer as part of a house band or something.

My final issue (aside from the weigh-ins in tiny clothes, which again, is total overkill) is the strange and wooden delivery of diminutive Broadway superstar Marisa Jaret Winokur. I'm surprised that she's not a better host, given all of her obvious talents, but she's awkward, and she needs to work on it. I never thought I'd say this combination of words, but she really would benefit from being a little more like Ryan Seacrest. So, overall I'm going to give the show itself a 5 so far, but the dancers a 7. Oh, and I love love LOVE Mayte Garcia, who in case you don't know is a phenomenal dancer who used to be married to Prince in the 90's, and is really cool and compassionate as a judge.

My washing machine is broken, and other totally interesting things.

lmculwell@gmail.com (Stephan Cox/ Lori Culwell) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 07:11:00 PDT

So, about two weeks ago (while I was in the middle of the Busiest Two Months Ever) my washing machine started making this grinding noise that, being an expert washing machine person, I quickly diagnosed as "NOT GOOD." Of course this is a great time for it to break, because it's been two years since I bought it, and that is just about how long I expected a super-specialized, high efficiency, "is the only one that will fit in the space provided" washing machine to function properly without me having to call in some kind of super-specialized repairman from Mars to repair it. Just, of course.

Oh, do I sound sarcastic when it comes to appliances and other things not working? Perhaps that's a side effect of being on the co-op board, where we're always fixing something, or getting someone help to fix something, or voting on how something needs to be fixed. Of course, on the other hand, this is one of the sort of cool things about being a homeowner. At least it's my stuff to fix, after all!

I called the place where I got the washer, and since it has been more than a year, they were like "call the warrantee place," and lucky thing I paid for the extended warrantee, because you know they tried to hassle me until I had to yell and insist they send a repairman, because no, unplugging it was just not going to cut it. They finally agreed to send someone, but it absolutely had to be last Tuesday, which happened to be the day I was coming back after being out of town for four days, and I had two conference calls I was already doing while I was driving back, and they gave me a 1:00 - 5:00pm window that was totally non-negotiable, since they were coming from Mars and all.

I'm sure you know what I'm going to say next, which is that the guy showed up EXACTLY at 1:00, and I would have been home except I was stuck in a giant, inexplicable traffic jam on the 405 going north from San Diego, and I was almost out of gas, and I was tired, and my grumpiness factor was at about a million, but I convinced the guy to stay at my house, and he was crabby, and I was crabby, and when he got out of his van I noticed how small he was, and I determined there was no way this small, surly man was going to be able to pull out my stacked washer and fix it. Only that didn't matter, because when he saw my super-specialized washer, he clucked his tongue and said "This is not a very popular brand," and I was like "Look, how is that productive? It's the ONE I HAVE," and he said he had to order parts and make me another appointment, and I tried not to cry from frustration from rushing, and from the general tiredness and backlog of work and things that break and the fact that the small surly man was giving me a lecture on my washer choices instead of actual service.

I was too tired, though, so I was like "Fine, whatever. Come back whenever you want," and he ordered every part he thought could possibly be broken and made me (this is not a joke) an appointment for Thursday the 9th, FROM 8AM to 5PM, and told me that I should plan to really be here the whole time, because he was bringing another guy and some parts, and if I wasn't here, this time they weren't staying. The whole time, I stared at him like he actually was from Mars, waiting for him to laugh and say he was joking, but he didn't. NINE HOURS. For a broken washer. For real.

I guess the bottom line for me is, if you have a small space in which you're trying to fit a stacked washer/ dryer, and the choice is between remodeling your kitchen and getting the only one that will fit in the space that happens to be a Whirlpool H/E washer, I would go for the total kitchen remodel, because it might end up being easier and more cost-effective. Oh, and if you need to call me? I think you should totally do it on Thursday the 9th, because I will be around.

So, where were we?

lmculwell@gmail.com (Stephan Cox/ Lori Culwell) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 18:09:49 PDT

Well well well!

I finally finished my book tour and have managed to get myself down from three giant piles of sh$t on my desk to one, which I am working on. So, if I owe you an email, I'm getting there. I started my UCLA Class, and that is going well-- the students are awesome so far, and we're making good progress on their projects. Even though this photo is of the San Francisco book signing, I thought it was funny so I decided to put it up.

I've been a little more diligent about updating Facebook just because it's easier, but just for fun, let me re-cap the book signing that was last Friday in Palm Desert. I should probably preface this by saying that it is very, VERY hot there now. Like, 108 degrees at 5:30 in the evening hot, which makes people in the desert go a tiny bit crazy. I can attest to this because I grew up there. And even though that is the case, I don't know if you can really ever prepare yourself for that kind of hotness-- the hotness that wears you out before you even get from your air-conditioned car to your air-conditioned house. Actually, in high school I had a car whose A/C didn't work, and I was constantly getting burned on the steering wheel and the seats. For real. Getting burned by the seats of the car. That's how hot.

Anyhow, I arrived in the desert a few hours before the signing, and tried to keep myself from dying of heat exhaustion before 6:00 pm, which was no easy task. Fortunately there were already some people I knew there right when it started, so I didn't even have time for the "is anyone going to show up?" nervousness that always precedes an event. Actually, people showed up from 6:00 until about 8:30, which was just awesome. Alot of cool people were in town for a high school reunion (not mine), so they came as well, and it was totally nice to see everyone again.

But, back to the heat crazy. The first person I might have put into this category actually ended up buying a book, so I feel guilty slandering her when she is now one of my readers. For that reason, I will write up a little note about that and put it on Facebook for those who are interested. You can also leave a comment if you'd like to hear the story but are not my FB friend.

Next up: a guy who brought me a hand-written note, but DID NOT buy a book, so game on! He was an older man who had read about me in the paper, and it seemed like he wanted me to do something for a charitable event he was putting together (at least this is what I could derive from the hodge-podge of inclusions in the envelope, one of which was a semi-obscene business card), and he called himself "Tijuana Joe." He wore a seersucker shirt and a white fedora, and when I asked him if he was going to buy a book, he said "No, I don't have time to read, I'm a man on the go." This went on as my friends and some other people from the bookstore looked on, like "What is going on here?"

I also had a few random elderly people wander over and ask "What kind of book is this?" and when they heard it was fiction, they told me they only like to read books on real things that really happened, like wars, which is no surprise because my grandma tells me the same thing. Is it a thing that when you get old, you don't want to read made-up stories anymore? I'd think it would be the opposite, that the older you get, the more experiences you've had, and the more you want to see things that come out of people's imaginations. But, what do I know? I'm not old, I don't have a fedora, and I don't really care for books on wars or Hitler.

Next, I spent a few days hanging out at a high school reunion that wasn't mine, which was totally fun and interesting. I knew some of the people (and in fact, I went there with my friends), but it was pretty amazing to me how everyone from high school falls into the same patterns, even after 20 years. Same people hanging out together, and for the most part, people looked the same. I'm not saying that because I'm trying to say I look the same, but it was kind of crazy how "the same" everyone actually looked, like barely any time had passed. I remember my mom going to her high school reunions, and I also remember the pictures and that the people seemed totally old. Maybe it's a matter of perspective, or maybe it's that with the healthy food and the face cream and the hormones the drinking water, we're all just living longer and looking younger. That part was pretty amazing to me though.

Oh, I should also mention that it is a very, very bad idea to take a totally black Prius to the desert during the summer. Also pretty amazing is just how hot the inside of that thing can get when you park it in the sun and it's 113 degrees outside, then you make your friends ride in the back seat when they are wearing their fancy reunion clothes. Sorry Lisa and Brett!