Funny Strange, by Lori Culwell

Where We Pose the Question-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

2013-06-18T16:13:00-07:00

OK, you’re waiting in line behind someone for the bathroom at Starbucks. Assuming that you saw this person and that they did not look like a homeless junkie who is naturally going to be in there for an hour Taking Care of Business, what do you think when that person is in there for, say, 10 minutes or longer?

Here are some ideas we threw out the other day as Stephan waited in line behind that very person (not the homeless junkie type) while talking to me on the phone:

Stephan: “God damn this person is taking a long time in the bathroom. What do you suppose they’re doing in there?”

Me: “My first guess would be destroying the bathroom. Good luck to you.”

We then went on to name several other alternate scenarios just to amuse ourselves.

What…..are you doing your taxes in there?

Are you washing your clothes in the sink? Probably not the most sanitary choice.

Are you talking on the phone? Because that’s disgusting.

Are you trying to poop? If so, please, PLEASE take some fiber pills. I don’t know if you know, but that is not normal at all.

Are you reading a magazine? Did you go in there KNOWING you didn’t really have to go, but just thought you’d try to use the Starbucks bathroom while it was free? Rude.

Are you bombing the bathroom? If so, please avoid eye contact when you come out, and make sure to courtesy flush, because that is just gross.

Are you (excuse me) pleasuring yourself in there? Because again, RUDE. It’s a one-person bathroom. You can’t find a stall-based situation in which to do that kind of thing?

Are you having a panic attack? This one I get, but I feel like you could call out to the people who are waiting that you are going to be a minute.

Also, since we’re talking about bathrooms, can I just say that I have been in several public restrooms lately where a person a few stalls down is making groaning noises? This happened at BEA, of all places. BOOK EXPO AMERICA, dudes. Aren’t book people supposed to be civilized? Is it possible that people don’t actually KNOW that they’re groaning while using the restroom? That is a scary thought. I guess try to pay attention to yourself next time, just to see if that person is you.

Gardein Wants to "Sweep Me Off My Meat." I Object.

2013-06-17T16:06:18-07:00

I don’t know why, but I’ve been listening to Pandora a lot lately, and as you know, Pandora has advertisements if you don’t upgrade (as to opposed to Hulu Plus, WHICH HAS ADS EVEN IF YOU PAY FOR IT WHY WHY WHY), so I’ve been actually listening to radio ads, and some of them are really, really bad.

Here’s an example: Gardein, which is a meat substitute I have not tried but am not opposed to (except for the fact that they are all "GARDEN + PROTEIN = GARDEIN), has this totally weird commercial running currently with the tagline “Gardein—let us sweep you off your meat!”

Every time I hear this, I physically cringe and am embarrassed for the human race. So, SO BAD. Just, not good on any level, like from the use of the pun to the imagery it creates in your mind. SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR MEAT? Yuck.

I Googled this cringe-worthy turn of phrase to find the commercial (I could not), but in so doing, I encountered several people on Twitter who were like “WHAT A GREAT SLOGAN,” and then I just wanted to punch the internet in the face.

Also, I wish Pandora had a function that would allow you to "Thumbs Down" ads, because I would be ALL OVER THAT.

You Guys! Come on! It's KOALAFORNIA DREAMING!

2013-06-16T16:03:00-07:00

I know, like, what kind of a cold-hearted monster am I for mocking a koala-themed park, but the name is SO BAD. My friend Katie sent this one to me, mentioning that this gem of a made-up word is actually emblazened on a billboard that she passes on the way to work every day. This makes me cringe so much for her, just having to see that punniness on a daily basis, and not having anyone to tell that to....until now.

Again people, if you see something, say something. I am here for you. I will cringe with you, for sure.

Chocolate....Flavored....Chip....Cookies......and also.....

2013-06-15T08:38:06-07:00

Today's excellet photo funny is brought to us by my friend Ashley, who saw these cookies, photographed them, and texted the photo to me.

It seems like we have a case of adjective-itis here, where the chips in the cookies are "chocolate flavored," which is already pretty weird, and adding to that is the fact that it seems like "chocolate flavored" could be modifying either "chips" or "cookies." I'm wondering if this conundrum couldn't have been better solved with a simple asterisk next to the word "chocolate," maybe? Like, Chocolate* Chip Cookies?

Also, I'm going to just ask the obvious question-- WHY DO THE CHIPS HAVE TO BE CHOCOLATE FLAVORED? Did the price of chocolate go up so much that chocolate chip cookies can't have real chocolate in them anymore? This seems strange enough to warrant some discussion. If the point is to have chocolate "flavored" chips, what is the actual selling point there? Is it that these chips, because they are not actually chocolate, don't have lactose or sugar or something else that might be important? Also, does anyone else find it ironic that the brand is "Just the Basics," and apparently the basics now include flavoring to make things taste like other things?

My point here is: the description is weird, the combination of the "simple" style brand with complicated ingredients is weird, and the phrase "chocolate flavored chips" is weird. I don't think I'm likely to want to buy a product that seems confused about itself.

Well done, Ashley!

Even More Photo Funny. I Can't Help It.

2013-06-14T14:40:46-07:00

I know, you're probably going to be like "oh, Culwell isn't writing enough, she's falling back on the funny photos, and ordinarily I would totally be all "You're right, I'm a lazy slacker," but this week I received funny photos from not one, not two, but FIVE different people. FIVE! That has to be some kind of record, or at least a sign that people enjoy this kind of thing enough to take photos and send them to me. And look, I appreciate it so much if you even come over here for some ha-ha once a week or so, dudes-- if you see something you think is funny, and then you take time out of your day to take a photograph of that funny thing and send it to me, YOU BETTER BELIEVE I AM GOING TO POST IT, because a) I feel honored to be in your mind as "the person who will totally laugh at that," and b) I respect you and your time, and I can't thank you enough for sending me funny things, because it lets me know you care AND gives me something to write about, which is not even a bonus. It's a bonus TIMES a bonus, which is a bonus squared.

And with that, I give you one of the most awesome photos of the week:

I have to also include the caption that my friend's husband Justin wrote to accompany this gem of a product:

"You can eat my meat if I you're ok that i rub some butt."

See, to me that should be the slogan for the whole product line. I hope the barbeque sauce is good and that the whole company isn't just based on a gimmick-y slogan because that might be hard to sustain, although it would make a darn good gag gift for any and all of your friends that barbeque (or their dads). You can feel certain that my Father in Law is getting one of these for Christmas this year, for instance.