Funny Stuff 4 U

This dude takes his girlfriend on a slingshot ride then cries the entire time.

2010-08-26T03:01:00.000-07:00

This dude takes his girlfriend on a slingshot ride then cries the entire time.

Funny Bunny

2010-08-26T02:52:00.000-07:00

buy me stuff and I'll be nicer.

Reason

2010-08-26T02:46:00.000-07:00

Reason
I'm sure they'll listen to it.

Smart Student

2010-08-26T02:25:00.000-07:00

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

I didn't eat it!

2010-04-25T10:43:00.000-07:00

Insert Foot In Mouth!

2010-04-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment
with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma on the wall,
which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall,
handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had
been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on,
way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly
discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired
man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have
been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked
him if he had attended northmont high school.

'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt,' he gleamed with pride.

When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

I was in your class!', I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old man
asked, 'what did you teach?'

10 Funny One Liners 4 U (Part 10)

2010-04-25T10:33:00.000-07:00

1) Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.

2) How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

3) Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

4) Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

5) Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

6) Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

7) That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.

8) Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

9) Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

10) Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Lion Stalks Giraffe

2010-04-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

The Funniest Story in The World

2010-04-24T11:03:00.000-07:00

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, about the same as usual, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

* Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy smokes, what the devil is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

* Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

* Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

* Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

* Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

* Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

* Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

* Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

10 Funny One Liners 4 U (Part 9)

2010-04-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

1) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

2) Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

3) Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

4) Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?

5) Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

6) George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7 - 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

7) I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

8) Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

9) Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

10) All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

Funny Cheese Commercial

2010-04-23T10:58:00.001-07:00

Vibrating Chair

2010-04-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

OOPS - Good Job Officer Brilliant

2010-04-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.
"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.

"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."

"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown
and sit a while till the sarge gets back."

"But, officer, I think you really should know..."

"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Dirty Mind

2010-04-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

10 Funny One Liners 4 U (Part 8)

2010-04-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

1) Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

2) I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

3) If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?

4) I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

5) I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.

6) I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

7) Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.

8) It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

9)There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

10) One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"

Opportunity

2010-04-22T09:17:00.000-07:00

Be Careful Who You Burglarize

2010-04-22T09:11:00.000-07:00

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

10 Funny One Liners 4 U (Part 7)

2010-04-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

1) I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

2) I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

3) Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

4) Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

5) There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

6) Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

7)Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

8) Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

9) If at first you don't succeed, try left field.

10) When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!"

Wifes Pad

2010-04-21T09:03:00.000-07:00

The 11 Years Old stinker!!!

2010-04-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 years old next door...

..., whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.

'I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that ..... In case I need to fix it again?'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric...

Funny Cat

2010-04-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

10 Funny One Liners 4 U (Part 6)

2010-04-21T08:45:00.000-07:00

1) I bet you I could stop gambling.

2) I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.

3) I can't get enough minimalism.

4) I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

5) Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?

6) A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.

7) Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

8) If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?

9) The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

10) Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.

Weight Loss Plan

2010-04-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Environmental Impact On Dogs

2010-04-19T08:42:00.000-07:00

10 Funny One Liners 4 U (Part 5)

2010-04-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

1) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

2) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

3) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

4) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

5) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

6) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

7) The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

8) The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

9) Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

10) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.